All language subtitles for ano_uno

Ah!

Did you see it? I think I got it.

That little piggy was fast.

Hey, everybody, this is all of our kill.

We all take credit.

Oh, I got a side ache.

You hit Enmebaragesi.

I'm pretty sure he had
that when he left the village.

That's not my spear.

My spear has feathers...
Okay, that one's got a feather.

Okay, that is my spear. I'm sorry, man.

Oh, great. Two spears.

Twice the killing power.

Thanks a lot.

Next time don't block my shot.

What? I didn't say--

Come on, not my fault.

Who stands in front of a boar on a hunt?

Hey, there you are.

Oh, my, I don't think
you wanna be gathered.

You wanna be eaten. Mm.

Hi, Marlak.

Well, there won't be any
berries in the fruit salad now,

so we all lose.

Hey, Oh. How's it going?

Hunters think they're
so cool. You know, they--

They don't think that this is challenging?

Gathering? It's extremely challenging.

You have to find all the fruit

with the least amount of bird shit on it

and put it in the basket.

Hey, wait, are they picking on you?

If they're picking on you,
I will straighten them out.

All right. Yeah, would
you? Ah, you're right.

Let it slide this time.

Next time, though, they will
feel the tip of my short spear.

What happened to your spear?

Oh, I modified it. Made it a snub nose.

It's lighter. It's a better killing tool.

Anyway...

Ooh, there's Maya.
I'm gonna go talk to her.

I'll be right back.

Unless something goes horribly right.

Hello, Maya. Hey, Zed.

What do I gotta do to make you my woman?

Look, you're a special guy.

You've got a lot of personality.

You know, when my parents
were killed by that pack

of wild dogs, you really
helped me see the funny side.

"No, no! He's got my ankle!"

Ah...

"Get off." That's your mom.

So yeah, you make me laugh,

but that's not enough.

I'm an old-fashioned kind of girl.

I need a man who can
protect me and take care of me.

What do you mean? Like Marlak?

Well, I mean, he is the
best hunter in the village.

Uh, debatable.

People voted.

Maybe I'm not the greatest hunter.

Or gatherer. Yes. Or gatherer.

Zed, those are the only
two jobs that we have here.

I can take care of you.
Does it look like I'm starving?

Come on.

Tell me you can say no to this:

Give it a second. Let it work on you.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely can say no to that.

Maya. Um, can I see you later?

I think I have to wash my hair.

Oh...

You washed your hair last year.

Tonight, we feast.

Maya. For you. Oh.

Thanks, Marlak. Another
severed boar's head.

It's a different color. Yeah, this one is--

Left the tongue in. Yeah,

this is really nice, Marlak.

Look at Marlak flirting with Maya.

He doesn't know her at all.

Head's not even the best part of the boar.

It's the back fat, stupid.

Muscle-headed idiot.

Hi, Eema. Hi, Eema.

Hi, Eema.

Yeah. She doesn't even know I exist.

There's like 60 people
in the village. I mean,

you really have to go out of your way

to not know that somebody exists.

I just wanna lay with her so badly.

I don't see it.

She's cute, but I don't
think I'd lay with her.

She's your sister.

That'd be like laying with your mother.

Which was a big mistake. I see that now.

You think it's not gonna be
awkward in the morning, but--

Trust me, wow.

Listen, you wanna impress Eema?

Do the fertility dance with her

at the feast tonight then
drag her back to your hut.

My hut's a mess right now,
and what if she struggles?

You give her a little, uh, tap on the head.

Women respond to that.

I still live with my parents.

I don't wanna keep them up

all night with my raucous lovemaking.

I'd get an earful in the morning.

She only likes hunters, anyway.

She doesn't like gatherers.

She's a gatherer herself is the irony.

She's a self-loathing gatherer.

That's pretty suggestive.

Ah, I wouldn't read too much into that.

Okay, now she's just
asking for some splinters.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Squanto.
Give me a break, would you?

You got the whole forest.

Why does everybody
always have to take a crap

right behind my hut?

Hey, Zed, where are we going?

We're not supposed to go this far.

I'm sick of the whole
village treating me like a joke.

You know what I'm
gonna do? Change villages.

No. I'm gonna change my head.

I don't think that's possible.

Your head is physically
attached to your body.

Not the whole head. I mean, my mind.

Mind--

Don't tell me you're thinking

about eating forbidden fruit.

That's exactly what I'm thinking.

Wait, wait, Zed, that's the tree

of the knowledge of good and evil.

You don't eat from
that one. It's forbidden.

Everybody knows that.
But why is it forbidden?

What is it about this they
don't want us to have?

It's not the fruit. It's about the rule.

It's about doing what you're told.

Yeah, we've been doing what
we were told our entire lives.

How's that worked out?
I like doing what I'm told.

It gives my day some
much-needed structure. Wait.

Zed. Will you stop?
It's just a piece of fruit.

Eating a fruit is not
gonna change your life.

What if it's magic fruit?

What if this fruit makes
me the smartest man

the village has ever known?

That's a pretty low bar.

Then all the hunters would
have to bow down to me.

And Maya would lay with me like that.

That's what this is
about? Laying with Maya?

I think I have a great destiny,

I'm about to find out what it is.

Just put the fruit down.
What if somebody sees us?

They'll peel our skin off
and tie us to an anthill.

Uh-- Now you've done it.

Mm.

It's got sort of a knowledge-y taste.

Does it have a sort of forbidden taste?

'Cause that's what it is.

Oh, I definitely feel something.

What?

Less hungry, for one,

but also more intelligenter.

It's like I feel like
maybe I know everything.

Ask me something. Anything. Go.

Test me. Go.

All right, where does the sun go at night?

Pass. Next question.

Okay, where do babies come from?

Pass. Next question.

There's a snake on my foot.

In the form of a question.

There's a snake on my foot?

Correct. What do I do?

I-I got a lot of ideas.

I'm bursting with ideas on the subject.

It's constricting me.

You could stick your finger in its hole.

You know what, you could
eat it before it eats you. Try that.

Eat the snake first.

That's what my new brain tells me.

It's preparing to eat me. Go for the eyes.

Ew, it's big.

Zed, please help me. Um...

Ew...

I'm dying a virgin.

Wait right here. I'm
gonna go eat more fruit.

This was a bit of a rough day for me.

Yeah. There's gotta
be more to life than this.

Really? This is a lot. I don't think

I can handle too much more than this.

No way. Look at these people.

They're like animals.
We're way too good for this.

Now that I'm smarter I'm
going straight to the top.

I'm bringing you with me.
You're gonna be my right hand.

Yeah, I've seen what you
do with your right hand. No.

Don't you wonder what's on
the other side of the mountains?

There's nothing on the other
side of the mountains, okay?

The world ends. Everybody knows that.

You'd fall right off of it.

But what if it doesn't?

Oh, it makes my stomach go:

I've been thinking a lot
ever since I ate that fruit.

Why is there fruit? What is fruit?

It's a thing that you eat. Why do we eat?

What are we? What are we?

Why do I have these?

Everything is weird.

When you really stop and just look at it,

everything gets very, very strange--

Why am I talking? What is this?

My lips make a movement and then a sound

and you know what I mean.

Blows my mind.

That just sounds like
crazy fruit talk, okay?

I don't wanna hear it right now.

Boy, she looks nice tonight.

Do it, man. Dance for her.

I don't know. They're
doing the jackal dance.

It's not my strongest.

What, are you kidding me?

You have an amazing jackal dance.

Go. Jackal dance.

Get into it.

Over the head.

Ow!

I'm gonna go and eat. I'm gonna come back.

Your father was a great hunter.

But you, you're like a little girl.

Good one, Marlak.

Enmebaragesi says he saw you in the garden.

Really? Well, what if I told you
that Enmebaragesi was a liar?

I saw him eat the forbidden fruit.

Oh, that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey,
hey, what's going on here?

I will kill you where you stand.

Oh, a shooting star. That's the best.

You really ate the fruit?

One bite. What's the big deal?

You don't eat the fruit.

It's the number one rule
since the beginning of time.

Since the Great Turtle
climbed out of the sea

with Earth on its back.

I know it's a rule,

but I'm a little fuzzy
on the exact details.

Forbidden. Forbidden fruit.

Y-You ate-- You did the one thing

you're not supposed to do.

Forbidden.

But the word "forbidden" kind of implies

there's a little wiggle room.

There's no wiggle room with
forbidden. You're cursed, man.

If you stay here, we'll all be cursed.

You have to leave.

Where am I supposed to go?

I didn't eat the fruit.

My hands are tied.

I wish there was something
I could do for you, Zed,

but I can't.

You really...

Y-y-you fucked the pooch on this one.

You better get out of here.

Okay, but before I go, I
just wanna say one thing.

I know I'm not the greatest hunter.

Or gatherer.

Or gatherer. Thank you.

But there's gotta be
more to life than this.

I'm going, but because I choose to.

And anyone who wants to join me is welcome.

I don't know where we're
going, but I will lead us.

Yeah, light up the darkness.

So who's with me?

Anyone?

Anyone named Oh?

Okay. Uh, looks like I'm
gonna be going it alone.

Which is fine with me.

Better, in fact,

because having a partner
would just probably slow me down.

I'm gonna start a new
tribe, 10 times better.

There's gonna be 10
times more dancing and fun.

It's gonna be called Muscle Tribe

of Danger and Ess-- Excellence.

And you're not invited.

I don't even like any
of you guys. I never did.

Unless anyone changes their mind.

Does anyone wanna come?
It's gonna be way better.

We're good. Fine. Good. Bye-bye.

Ah! Don't-- Nobody panic.

No! That's-- That's--

Oh, that's not my house.

Ah!

Ah!

I see you.

Go away, Marlak.

Really, animal noises? Badger.

This is just insulting.
It's time I killed you.

Okay, okay, fine. But then, tell me this:

Who's that behind you? You
think I'm gonna turn around?

I'm gonna gut you like a pig.

Nice whack on the head.

You should try hitting Eema that hard.

We can discuss that later.
Let's-- We should run away.

Yes, yes, of course.

So you decided to come after all.

Was it the speech?

It was the fire. I lost everything.

Yeah.

I wish we didn't have to leave.

Probably never gonna see Eema ever again.

That's not true. We'll-- We'll go back.

Those hunters are idiots.

They're gonna forget
the whole thing in an hour.

Will you get real, man?
There's no going back, okay?

There's nothing to go
back to. It's just ashes.

Yeah, like it's really hard
to build one of those huts.

It's just a pile of sticks and dung.

Well, you're a pile of sticks and dung.

I'm sorry, I-- It's okay.

I don't mean that, obviously.
Look, I know you're mad,

but this is a great opportunity for us.

They didn't appreciate you back there.

You're the genius who thought
up drinking water from a gourd.

They were all just
drinking from their hands.

Well, it just seems practical.
I mean, I don't know.

We have an incredible destiny.

You don't even know where
we are. We're completely lost.

Of course I know where we are.

Whoa!

It's a cougar.

Don't move a muscle.

What do we do? Don't move your lips.

Rule number one: Show no fear.

You're showing fear.

Much better. Very good.

Now what?

There's two opinions on this one.

Some say run,

others say stay perfectly still.

Which one are you gonna do?

I'm going to run!

Ah!

You should really put some
maggots on those scratches.

They look pretty deep.

They are very deep.

That's why they appear that way.

You're still mad at me, aren't you?

I wish I hadn't come.

Maybe you shouldn't have come

if you're gonna keep whining
about every little cougar

that attacks you.

Oh, what does this look like?

You making your own fire?

No, I'm making arrows.
We're gonna need them.

You still coming? Yeah.

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Yeah. You're my buddy. Yeah.

You're saying we're gonna walk

and eventually we're gonna get
to a spot where the world ends

and it's just like... Uh, what is it?

What happened? What are we looking at?

First of all, why are you talking to me

in that tone like I'm an idiot?

This is general knowledge.

Hah-hah!

I knew it!

This is incredible.

You still think the world just ends?

Come on, admit it. The
fruit man has the knowledge.

Whoa, whoa, be careful.

Ooh-ooh. Whoa-- W-w-w--

So did you learn a lot
when you ate the fruit?

Oh, yeah. I can see, like, 10
minutes into the future now.

So what am I gonna say next?

You're gonna say, "That's
not what I was gonna say."

That's not what I was-- See?

That's not fair.

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

People. More than one.

Walking...

that way.

You think? There's about
a thousand footprints there.

I mean, it's kind of obvious. Oh, yes.

They stopped here to poop. Look.

No, I don't want to.

Two men, maybe three. A
child. Or a small woman, maybe.

What are you doing? You
don't know where that's been.

Oh, I know where it's been. Don't touch it.

You don't know if a squirrel
has come and peed on it.

Still warm. Almost hot in the center.

Looks like they had some nuts.

Apples, maybe.

What are you doing?

Yep, apples. What difference does it make?

That doesn't help us to know that.

Maybe you can tell if they ate some shit.

There's a lot of shit in that shit.

My mistake, this is bear poop.

What's that, though?

This one's mine.

Tonight, we feast.

We're gonna need some arrowheads.

This is where you die!

Easy, easy.

He won't get far.

Did you shoot my cow?

Oh, no.

Yes. Uh, well,

we're hunters. Well, he's a hunter.

I'm-- I'm a maker.

A maker? I made this loincloth.

I, uh, make arrows.

I...

I've made a shelf unit for my hut.

I, uh,

welcome us to you.

What do you do? What does it look like?

We're farmers.

Well, he's a farmer, I'm a herdsman.

You're a suck is what you are.

Here we go. My brother
Cain. I'm called Abel.

You are called "suck".
There you go with that "suck."

What does that mean?
Suck. Short for "suckle."

Short for "suckle up."

You're suckling up to God.

You're a-- You're a suckle-up.

Somebody's upset because God

looked on my sacrifice with favor.

"God looked upon my
sacrifice with favor." I mean--

Is he a total suck or what?

Hard to say. We just met.

Why are you bringing
them into it? They're morons.

They live in a tree. Oh, see?

I mean, come on. You just gotta be

so superior to everyone else.

No, but superior to-- Than you.

"Superior--" Let's see how superior

you are when I kick your
ass. You know what I meant.

You want some of that?

Yes, I do. Guys. Boys, boys.

I'm right here. I'm right
here. Just take it easy.

Come on, come on!

No. This smug asshole insulted you,

and I want him to take it back.

We're not that insulted.
Why don't you make me?

No, no. Boys, boys. You
are brothers. Let's just relax

and let's all just get some perspective--

Oh!

Yeah. Yeah. That's how we do it.

That's how we do it.
There are rules we abide by.

Yeah, right.

Should we do something?
Just let them settle it.

I tripped.

Well, I guess that settles it.

What? Nothing.

It's-- He's all right.

He's just-- He's resting.

Well, he's tuckered out from the fight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's-- You know what?

Let's cover him up with a
little dirt and some straw

to keep him warm until he wakes up and--

Hey. Abel, what are you doing

with my foot? Playing possum?

Whoa! Hey. Oh, hey, stop it.

He's choking me.

Stop it, Abel.

Are you trying to choke me to death, Abel?

"Yes, Cain, I am." Oh, come on, stop it!

Self-defense. Clearly. Self-defense.

What have I done? What have I done?

What have I done again?
What have I done some more?

What have I continued to do?

Oh, guys. Guys, we're
in some real trouble here.

Uh, what do you mean "we"?

I don't wanna play the
blame game but you hit him.

No, no, no. There's two of
you and there's one of me.

You could have stopped me.

We didn't know you were gonna kill him.

Are you calling me a murderer?

Y-- Uh, did I say that?

It was an accident. Right?

Yeah, you were holding a rock,

and he ran into it with his face repeatedly

until he just couldn't pull through.

It was horseplay. It was horseplay.

It was two horses playing.

One murders the other one...

Yeah. And-- It's probably best

if we, uh, didn't mention
this accident to anyone.

Because, you know, people
don't understand, and--

Who am I gonna tell?

I can't think of one who'd be interested.

I'd only really tell him
and he's a witness as well.

Why even bring it up? Okay.

It's like he killed himself.

Cry for help, if anything.

All right. Good.

I like you guys. I do.

I like you guys a lot. I do.

Hey. Why don't you come
over to my place for supper?

Unfortunately, we
already have dinner plans.

Ah, damn.

Why don't you come over
to my place for supper?

We'll come over to your place for supper.

I mean, how many times do we see you?

Just don't kill me. No horseplay.

What? Nothing.

What are these big, round things for?

They're wheels, numbskull.
They make the cart roll.

Wow.

Ooh. Oooh!

I feel like a bird.

Bring it forth.

Get the gate.

Hello.

Whoa.

I'm gonna yak.

Hey. What's wrong with you?

Let me get your hair. That was too fast.

Cain, I ask you again,
where is thy brother Abel?

I don't know. I haven't
really seen him at all, uh...

Have you-- You guys...

You guys haven't seen him, have you?

Don't know who that is. I
don't-- Never-- Your brother?

What's his name? A-bell?

Sure he's out there somewhere...

I haven't seen any body anywhere.

Never had the pleasure.
Sure he's in the prime of his life.

Mm. This is good soup. Really good.

Your sister Lilith said she
saw you in the field with him.

Oh, man, this bread is good.

Oh, uh, really? That, uh--

Oh, yeah. No, that was yesterday, right.

No, this day. She said
you both made offerings.

Oh, that was Boaz. Yeah. No.

Japheth. It was Japheth. No.

Uh, Enoch. No.

I'm sure it was Gilgamesh. No.

I-I-Ishmael. No.

Ezidia? No.

Jennifer? No.

Now I'm remembering
correctly. It was Tishbaven.

It was you. And she said it
looked like you were arguing.

Yeah, well, let's be honest.

Lilith is, uh, a lying bitch.

Look, I mean, we're brothers.

We're gonna argue, it's human nature.

Tell me-- Show me the perfect family.

His flock goes untended
in the field. Okay, look.

Enough. Am I his keeper?

I mean, just get off my back, Father.

I wish you were dead too.

Even though Abel's not dead at all.

I fear the worst for
Abel. I'm sorely vexed.

You're welcome to spend this night with us.

You may lay with my daughter Lilith.

She is without a husband

and as the Lord said,
"Be fruitful and multiply."

What about me?

You may share the bed of my son Seth.

Thanks, Papa.

Yeah, there you go.

I multiplied with sheep.

Hello.

Ah.

Feeling fruitful?

My bed is small but
you're welcome to share it.

It's the way of my people.

That is such a good way to be.

In fact, I'm kind of
surprised a pretty girl like you

is sleeping alone, anyway.

I'd have thought guys
would be lined up at the door.

Oh. I-I don't like men.

Maybe you just ain't met the right one yet.

Loincloth rising.

Oh. No, I-I like girls.

We have that in common.

No, I'm attracted to women.

Mmm.

I don't even know what that means.

What does that mean?

I like to have sex with other women.

Hm? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

All my brain blood was in my boner.

Heh.

Ha-ha-ha. That was such a good one.

Okay, here we go. Ready, ready?

No, wait.

Ooh.

Little surprise on the
end of that one, right?

Very good. One more, ready?

Oh-- No, we're good. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, do you wanna see a trick?

Do I have to?

So it's been a great sleepover,

and, uh, thank you for
the gruel and the garb.

Cain.

Hey, where's everybody going?

To look for thy brother Abel.

Good luck. What?

I said, good luck, Father.
I'm really worried about him.

You're not coming?

Oh, I'm just gonna stay
here and finish toiling, and, uh,

then we'll be right behind you.

Good.

Hey, I'm heading to the coast.
You guys should come with me.

They're gonna try to blame

this whole Abel-killing business on you.

Why would they blame it on us?

When they find him and
see his head's all bashed in,

they're gonna point fingers.

You're drifters. They're
gonna put two and two together.

Now stop asking so many questions

and let's go. Go, go, go.

Cain. After him!

They're gaining on us.

They're getting away.

Eat my dust, Father.
ZED: This is really too fast.

Oh, no, no. Hold tight. Hold tight.

Cain! My justice will be swift.

Yaw!

No. No! Damn you, Cain.

Who's in God's favor now, Father?

Wow.

What are the odds of that?
Hey, am I lucky or what?

Your head's smoking.

Hey, it didn't leave a mark, did it?

Just a pink, red hole.

Your bangs are gonna cover it.

All right. Whatever.

This is the biggest place I've ever seen.

It's called a town. Just act normal.

Hi. ZED: Hello. Greetings, seafarer.

That's not normal. ZED: Hello.

Would you stop saying hi
to everybody. It's annoying.

All right, this is a market.
Over there is a Build-A-Bear.

That's a really good container store.

Oh, this place has killer hemp.

Oh. Yes, please.

Next up is an unusual item.

He's big. He's strong.

It's Marlak.

Oh, do not worry. He is
not fighting, he is having fun.

Okay, maybe he's little bit depressed.

Maya and Eema.

Zed. OH: Eema.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Gosh.

What happened? How did you get here?

After the fire that you started,

the hill tribes raided the village.

They held us captive, marched us out to sea

and traded us to the boat
people, who brought us here.

So it's such a coincidence

to run into you guys like this here.

You think it's a coincidence?
Why? What do you think?

I'm not sure, but I'm beginning to think

that everything happens for a reason.

God wanted me to have the
knowledge of good and evil.

Why would he want that?

Why are we assuming that God's a he?

I don't know what to say to that. Ha-ha.

You kidding?

Anyway, don't you guys see what I'm saying?

Why would he choose you?

Why wouldn't he choose someone stronger?

Chosen doesn't have to
be strong. I'm big like this.

You have a fat face. ZED:
My brain. It's enormous.

I'm smarter than you
are. I don't talk as much.

I'm the smartest.

I'm the smartest guy
that was in the village.

Excuse me, you are
interested in some slaves?

Uh, yes.

This one looks pretty good.

And her little friend. Very good.

Just how I like them. Perfect. Hey.

Feisty.

So, uh, how do we do this if we want them?

Ah...

You have money?

That depends on what you mean by money.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me.

Perhaps I could be of some help here.

Guys, let me deal with this guy,

see if I can work out a deal.

What happened to your forehead?

I didn't murder my brother. I didn't.

All right, I'm just gonna...

We're gonna get you
out of this. You trust me?

I want to trust you.

Fair enough.

Next up is a twofer. It
is two for price of one.

Have a great vacation.

Never trusted that guy.

Why, because he murdered
his brother with a rock?

Is that why you didn't trust
him? You got great instincts.

Look, I want you to know

I blame myself for
everything that's happened.

Yeah. So does everybody else.

Hey, stay away from my woman.

She's not your woman. You can't own people.

Except for the guy who bought
all of us. Apparently, he can.

Take the slaves! MAYA: Go!

Eema, run like a cougar is chasing you.

Zed! Eema.

Come here, you two.

Go, go, go, go.

Sir, shall we pursue the slaves?

Let the desert have
them. They won't get far.

Yes, sir.

Orders, sir?

Tend to the slaves.

We leave for Sodom before daybreak.

Yes, sir. I wonder who they are.

Their hats are really great, aren't they?

Their hats?

When that guy cut the other guy's head off,

I wasn't thinking about what a great hat.

It wasn't my very first thought,

but I'd be lying if I
said it wasn't up there.

I'm just saying, if I can
snag one, I'm going to.

Now I just have to figure out a
way to rescue Maya and Eema.

How are we gonna rescue
them? These guys are killers.

Even killers have to sleep sometime.

Mm. That was refreshing.

Shit!

Ah. They're gone.

Now where do we go?

They said they were going to Sodom.

We're going to Sodom.

I think I have sand in my ass,

but there's no way of knowing for sure.

I'll take a look in it
when we get to Sodom.

Hey, Dad, we making a
burnt offering or something?

Yes, Isaac. As God has commanded me.

But I don't see the sheep anywhere.

The Lord. The Lord shall
provide the sheep, my son.

Heh. What is this? Is this
some sort of magic trick?

In a way. In a way.

If this is because I didn't
clean up my tent, I'm sorry.

I'll do it right when I get home.

Oh, Dad, why are you doing this?

The Lord has spoken unto
me, Isaac, and I-I must obey him.

If the Lord told you to jump
off a cliff, would you do it?

Forgive me, Isaac. My God.

Stop! What are you doing with that kid?

Nothing. Nothing?

This is my son, sir. We
were playing a game.

All right? It's called Burny Burny Cut Cut.

No. You weren't. You were gonna kill him.

I was not going to kill him.
I was going to sacrifice him.

There is a tremendous difference.

Not to him, I'm guessing.

By what right dost thou interfere?

Art thou-- Art thou sent by the Lord?

Yes. As a matter of fact, I am.

Aye. Aye, verily, thou art.

Verily. Yea.

Thou were sent by the
Eternal One to stay my hand.

Ow.

All of that. This is Isaac.

And I am Abraham, the son
of Terah of the House of Nahor.

We were two doors down from Nahor.

We were Nahor's neighbors.

And I am Zed, son of Zero.

And this is Oh, son of Ooh

from the House of Sticks and Dung.

The tents of my kinsmen lie just beyond.

Come. Come, my friends.

We are the Hebrews.

A righteous people, but
not very good at sports.

This way, friends. Come.

Brothers, brothers.

Let us give thanks unto the Lord thy God

for staying my hand on
the mountain this very day.

Praise be to God, hallowed be his name.

And let us also praise him

for the bounty which he
hath bestowed unto us.

He hath increased our wealth

and blessed us with--

Thanks. Thank you. A lot of loving things.

Kind loving kindness. Yeah.

Friends, whence comest thou?

He wants to know where you're from.

Thou comest not from

the Cities of the Plain,
from Sodom and Gomorrah.

Heard of them, never
been there. Are they nice?

"Are they nice"?

They have been cursed for
all time by the Lord thy God

for their abominations.
I did not know that.

They worship idols and they
bow down before false gods.

Abdominal. It's the worst.

The men of that city are weak and soft,

fat with rich food,
intoxicated by strong drink.

I'm not hearing the bad part.

The women are whores.

Their shameless lust knows no bounds.

They flaunt their flesh

and any man may have knowledge

of them whenever he so chooseth.

Which one of the two
cities has the most whores?

Just so we know to stay
away from that one especially.

Walk you not the path of Sodom.

For the Lord thy God has said unto me

that he shall send a holy
fire to destroy that city

and all who dwell
within for their iniquity.

He shall smite them.

Them, and all of their seed.

So when do you think this
smiting's gonna go down?

Because we have some friends there.

Their fate is sealed.

But for my faith and devotion

that self-same God

has promised unto me
the whole of this land.

From the Heights of Golan in the north,

to the Sinai in the south.

From the river of Jordan to the great sea.

This is all your land? For all of eternity.

But apparently God
forgot to tell anyone else.

We're at war with someone
like every other day.

Excuse me. I and my kinsmen
have vanquished our enemies

by the mighty hand of God, blessed be he.

Praised is his name Unto us.

and glory his graciousness. Wealthy bounty.

Therefore, to signify my
covenant with the one true God

I shall on this day circumcise
the flesh of my penis.

And of you. And you, and of you,

and every male who dwelleth hereby.

Excuse me? I don't know what you mean.

We shall grasp the foreskins of our penises

and we shall cut therefrom
the extra flesh. Amen.

Oh... Ha. I don't think I have any extra.

Couldn't we pierce our ears or something?

No, no, no. So it shall be written,

and so it shall be done.

Let me get this straight.

You're saying you have too much...?

And you wanna:

You know, Abe, it's been a long day,

we've all had a lot to drink,

and I know that this foreskin thing

sounds like a good idea now,

but you might wanna sleep on it.

We can always cut it off in the morning.

But if we do it now, there's just no way

to get it back on there.

No, no, no, trust me, it's
gonna be a very, very sleek look.

This is gonna catch on. I'm
gonna go get my good knife.

Just wait right there. I'll be
right back to cut your penises.

N-Not the whole thing, you understand.

Just-- Just the very tip.

And after, we're all gonna
have wine and sponge cake.

Do you have any idea where we're going?

Yep. Going to Sodom. We
have to save Maya and Eema.

But he said that God was
gonna smite Sodom with holy fire.

Yeah, God also told him
to chop off the tip of his dick.

Dad, no!

No! No!

So listen, I've been thinking,

what constitutes the tip of the penis?

Because his definition might
not be the same as mine.

What if the tip is your favorite part?

The tip is your only part. Heh-heh.

Come out here.

Hey, you caught me. Guilty.

What are you doing here?

I'm gonna come with you.

You don't know where we're going.

You're going to Sodom, right? No.

How stupid you think I am?
You've had a boner for Sodom

ever since my dad mentioned it.
If I take you, get me some wine.

Aren't you a bit young?

Do you like hanging
out with this little girl?

Did you or did you not hear me scream?

I think I deserve a drink.

That's Sodom right there. The Unholy Land.

The devil's playground,
where the sinners are winners.

Me and my boys sneak in here
on the weekends sometimes.

You know, pick up on the babes,

drink some wine, smoke some herb.

Shouldn't be smoking either.

Thanks a lot, Grandpa. I've been
smoking for four harvests now,

so I think I'm good.

Wow. These doors are enormous.

It looks like they're not open, so--

You just gotta knock.

They let me in all the time. Yeah, knock.

Why don't you knock? Why do I? You knock.

What if we're waking somebody?
Eema and Maya might be in there.

I gave them our word we'd rescue them.

Hey, ladies. We don't got no foreskins.

Halt. Halt.

Get help. Tell your father.

Like I'm gonna tell my father I
came with you guys to Sodom.

So long, suckers.

I kind of get why his
dad wanted to kill him.

Get in.

What's this, then?

They were banging on the gate.
Hebrews from the look of them.

Well, we're not really Hebrews.

Uh, we are Hebrews?

I get it. No talking.

Should we wake the
commander? OFFICER: Oh, no.

Don't want to wake the commander.

He gets real mean when you wake him.

Meaner than this?

Let go of his titty.

Yeah. Okay. All right, good one.

What the bloody hell is going on out there?

Who screamed?

Sounded like a woman.

But you don't look like a
woman. You wanna kiss me?

Like in a romantic way?

By tomorrow morning, you'll
wish you hadn't been born.

I already feel that way now. Yeah.

Why don't you pick on
someone your own size?

Because that I would pay to
see. You versus a guy your size.

Give me my stick.

Bumpy. You got a smoother one?

Yeah.

Turn around, put your hands on the table.

Uh, uh, uh...

Now!

I'll take that kiss now.

We'll start with the fat
one. Relatively fat. I mean...

Welcome to Sodom.
Hey, I want a piece of that.

Cain?

You know them?

Brothers.

I missed you so much.

Oh, you guys.

Promise you'll never leave me again.

This is amazing. CAIN:
And this is a Monday.

You should see this place on a Thursday.

Because Thursday's the new Friday.

Well, thanks for saving us.

What are you gonna do to us now?

Excuse me? Do I detect a tone here?

You did sell us into slavery.

Hold a grudge much? That
was, like, a fortnight ago.

It was less than a
fortnight. Half a fortnight.

It was a sevennight. Oh, give me a break.

You know, I was dealing with the death

of a close, personal family
member and I needed some space.

But hey, look, now I realize that you guys

are like my real brothers.

And it's so rare to have a brother

that you love and don't wanna kill.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,

Hey, who's hungry?

I'm hungry. Don't kill me. Yeah?

Excuse me, I was-- Whoa!

Yeah, that's two for flinching.

Hey, let's go.

Ahh.

Here. Now we're even. Mm.

Check out the woman across
the way. She is looking at us.

She's totally eye-knowing
us with her eyes right now.

Ya, ya, ya, ya-ya.

Ooh.

Well, she's really making that banana last.

Go talk to her. I have
a girlfriend right now.

A girl that I'm going to marry.

Make my wife, my girlfriend,

one day when I get enough strength.

What transpires within the
confines of the walls of Sodom,

stays within the confines
of the walls of Sodom.

You know, if you guys are gonna stay here,

you should join the guard.

Hey! Hey, hey what, hey? Huh? Yeah.

I mean, the pay's not great
but the perks, tons of them.

I'm telling you, it's the only way to go.

Come on, let's go talk to the sergeant.

Let's go. GUARD 2: Hurry now.

Ah. This is great. How do I look?

I can't see. This is too big on me.

I wonder if I can get a smaller size.

Yeah, someone's gotta be
the hat person around here.

Find a... Excuse me.

Hey, my helmet is way too
big for me. It looks really silly.

Think I can get a smaller one? Line up!

What are you doing? In the line!

Wait, he's not...

In the line. Face forward in the line!

Guys. Guys? I don't know where to...

Guys. You too!

Guys.

I said, find a hole, you stupid bastards.

It's kind of obvious, isn't it? Not to me.

Soldiers. Present arms.

Uh, I never got a sword.
I only got the holder.

I didn't know that that's what it was for.

So this is it? We just walk around?

Yeah, pretty much. Just
look for troublemakers.

If you see a thief or a pickpocket,

we'll slap them around a little bit.

Maybe cut off a finger, you know,

or tip of the nose sometimes.

Oh, lower lip. Just anything you can grab

and slice in one fluid motion.

It seems kind of harsh.

Hey, just remember it's the palace

that pays us, not the people. Come on.

Feed us!

Six sacrifices in the last 10 days

and still no rain.

Majesty, there's talk of
revolution in the streets.

Oil and grain are scarce, prices are high.

Starving peasants are pouring
into the city in search of food.

We could actually have a riot on our hands.

Poverty has a bitter taste,

but it is a flavor they are born to.

It is the will of the gods.

What do the entrails predict?

Well, the, uh, liver is streaked with gray,

which is not a good sign,

but, uh...

The genitals are enormous.

That's of no significance,
I'm just commenting.

Um, if you do look at this intestine,

his large intestine is
arranged in sort of an arc

then the two massive balls
of the sheep are like eyes.

To me, I see a happy face.
And that makes me happy.

What does it mean?

Well, could mean a surprise visit

from a former friend or sweetheart.

Or that you're going on a long sea voyage.

Could I come? I've never been on a boat.

How did you become high priest?

I'm your brother-in-law.

Perhaps it's time for a new high priest.

Perhaps it's not time
for a new high priest.

Let that be a warning to you.

Next time, I shall hurl a lightning bolt

right in your face.

Or a fireball.

And you know what's the
best part about Sodom?

The sodomy.

You guys are in for a treat.

Down.

Did you see that girl?

That was Princess Inanna.

She's totally hot. Don't
even think about it.

Why not?

Why? Because she's royalty

and you're a-- A caveman.

Hey, where's everybody going?

Oh, to the temple. Come
on, you guys have to see this.

Will she be there?

Yeah, everyone'll be there.

There she is.

The princess isn't eating.

I find it hard to eat when
so many are hungry.

You can't keep starving yourself.

Why not?

Everybody else is starving.

Present company excluded.

Careful, princess.

You may be my stepdaughter,
but these are dangerous times

and those are dangerous words.

Whatever.

Yeah.

What's happening?

They're picking a virgin.

Oh, please. If you're a virgin,

then I'm a fuzzy little gerbil.

Back to the whorehouse with you.

Quick as a bunny. There you go.

What do they need a virgin for?

To throw her into the
fire. Are you new here?

What? Why?

An offering to the gods.

Are you serious?

There's a famine going on,

so if we make a good enough sacrifice

then the gods give us rain.

You get rain, you get harvest

you get harvest, you get food.
You know what food is, right?

Yeah, you know food.

So they're gonna throw a
virgin into the fire so that it rains?

Duh.

Did I do something to offend you?

I come here and get a
great seat at the sacrifice,

and you're ruining it.

Seems like a waste of a
perfectly good virgin to me.

Hey, guys? I'm trying to enjoy
the sacrifice with my family.

Do you mind? You mind?

For the love of the gods

we commit this fair maiden

to Moloch's holy fire!

These virgins, it's always a girl?

I'm really happy for her. She
was always the runner-up.

True success story.

My lord, the princess wishes to see you.

Me? Uh, oh, what about my friend?

Can the two of us come?
We're kind of a pair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The--
The three of us are like a pair.

No, not you. The two of you, follow me.

Great.

Uh, I'll try to put a good word in for you.

Yeah, do.

If we never, ever see you again,

it's not because we're avoiding you.

Don't forget about me.

This is Zaftig, the eunuch.

You, go with him.

Oh, can't I go with him?

Why? Is he your lover?

No, we're-- We're just friends.

That would be weird. We're both guys.

Come with me.

Uh, what do you do?

I've been a palace eunuch
since I was 9 years old.

How would I become a eunuch?

Well, they cut off your testicles.

Why all-- Why all the genital mutilation?

Well, you get to keep them.

I always keep mine close at hand.

Would you like to see?

No.

Can I ask your opinion?

What do you think? Ponytail or no ponytail?

I don't know and I really don't care.

Okay. I just wanted to know

what the ladies of Sodom
were into nowadays, but, uh...

This party is insane.

It's more of a, uh, hair-down
kind of scene, I'd say.

Hi.

Be sure to try the fruit.

Hm?

Maya. What are you doing here?

Okay, I'm still alive, thank you for asking

and I'm still a slave.

I was coming to rescue you.

Really. In fact, that's why we were here.

We were gonna find you. Yeah?

'Cause you seemed worried about
your ponytail just a second ago.

That? Pfft. I was just--

Of course, you were just chosen again.

I was.

I would love to join you at this orgy,

but I can't because I
have to go be a slave,

and I don't get any breaks.

And the princess has crabs.

Oh, yes, it's steamy.

God, that's realistic.

Watch it, jerk.

A real woman. That's--

Oh, excuse me, Miss--

Ter. Mister.

Awkward.

Good concentration.

You're good. You're real good.

Oh? Is that you?

I'm not supposed to talk, I'm a statue.

Yeah, you look so gold.

It's all the gold paint.

How's it going? It's going great.

I just had my entire body painted

by a fat guy with no balls.

Oh, how did that go?

He was extremely thorough.

How's it going with you?

Uh, not bad.

Just had a little rub and scrub.

Now I'm up for some grub.

Sounds luxurious.

Hey, you remember that woman

who brought us in with the face, uh, dress?

That was Maya. She's working here now

and she looks great.

Kind of mad at me, though.

And there's Eema.

Come here, wench.

Let me have a look what's up that skirt.

I'm sorry, it was an accident.

It was no accident.

Hey. Ho! You, slave girl.

I told you to fetch me more wine.

Apologize to this officer now.

I'm sorry.

Good. Now go fetch.

Wait over there by the skinny statue.

I'll deal with you later. Go!

Slaves. What are you gonna do?

Wait a minute.

Don't I know you?

Oh, uh--

What are you, crazy?

I will not serve these
people. I'd rather die.

Keep it up. You will.

What are you doing? You joined them?

I haven't joined anything.
I'm not having fun here.

I'm just checking it out.
There's a lot to learn here.

What, human sacrifice?

No. Not human sacrifices.

I think I've been chosen
to do something great.

Yeah, here we go.

And I'm pretty sure it's not hunting pigs

and weaving baskets.

Oh?

Hello, Maya.

Oh.

She wants to see you. Now.

You don't think I'm interested in her?

Whyever would I think that?

It's part of my plan.

I'm gonna get us all
out of here soon as I can.

The princess awaits you.

And I await her.

You two, await me.

Stay out of trouble. Stay gold.

He has no idea what he's doing, does he?

It's nice to see you, uh, like this.

It's nice to see you too.

We should do something.
When-- When do you get off?

Never.

I'm a slave.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Slave girl, bring me a towel.

Yeah, I should go be a slave.

I'm gonna strike a specific pose, I guess.

Okay.

I love you.

You there. Golden boy. Come here.

Rub me with oil.

I'd rather not, if you
don't mind. That's not--

I'm not one of the oil
rubbers, I'm just a guard.

Rub me with oil or die.

Is that enough?

Much more. Baste me like a chicken.

Oh, yes. Pour it all over me,

you little bronze bitchlet.

Yeah, okay. You got the
whole thing on you now.

Marvelous, I love it.

All right, well, have a good evening.

I'm glad I could help you out.

Now rub it in.

With my hand?

No. With your nutsack.
Of course, with your hand.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, the oily oiliness.

The musky, precious, smoky, oily oiliness.

Yes, that's right.

Oh, God, paint a picture on my body.

Tell a story on my nipples. Yeah.

That's right, take me
down the smoky Euphrates.

Yes, do something
you'll be ashamed of later

you naughty little goat.
All right, charm the snake.

Eema. Hey, uh--

This isn't what it looks like.

Go ahead, slap me.

No, it's fine. I mean, I understand.

Go on. I love it, I love it.

Oh, you're very gifted.

No, no, no. I'm just rubbing
oil on this man's chest. Eema.

A gift. I don't know,
you've got some sort of gift.

Oh.

Good luck.

Maya. Maya.

Come to me.

Beautiful, isn't it?

You can see Gomorrah just over the hill.

Yep. Twin cities.

Some people think that the
gods are gonna wipe them out

because they're so evil.

And what do you think? Am I evil?

Well, I don't really know you,
but, uh, you don't look evil.

Do you find me attractive?

Mm-hm. Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. Yeah.

Let me just ask you one thing.

What would a girl like you
want with a guy like me?

I don't know.

I just find you interesting.

They say it's the will of the gods

that some men should
suffer while others rule.

That we're all just
victims of our own fate.

And I believed that until this morning

when I saw you standing
up alone in the square

and I said to myself:

"Yes, finally, here's one man

"who refuses to bow down to anything.

"A man with the courage to
question the order of things.

"A man chosen by the gods

to do something great."

That's exactly what I've been thinking.

You would not believe the stuff
that's been happening to me.

I just didn't know why. I know why.

To bring you here.

To this place.

To me.

I could not agree more.

I'm trying to agree more, but I can't,

because that's how much I agree.

Come.

I know this must be
difficult for you to understand

but my life is devoted entirely
to the service of the gods

and the good of the people.

I keep nothing for myself.

That's very unselfish of you.

It is unselfish of me, isn't it?

You're so perceptive for one so young.

Yeah. What are those doors there?

Behind these doors is the Holy of Holies,

earthly domain of the gods.

A place so ineffably sacred, so powerful

that to enter is instant death.

Who cleans it?

Needs no cleaning.

Kind of makes you think
about the people that built it.

You know, like, did they die instantly,

or were they given a courtesy second

to get out of there by the gods?

They were allowed to finish it,

and given exactly four and a half seconds,

then the gods descended.

Wow.

What if a bug goes in there?

Instant death for the bug.

So are there dead bugs all over?

Because you said nobody cleans it.

They're vaporized immediately

by a holy beam of vapory fire vapor.

Can we go in?

I just told you.

To enter is instant death,
you gorgeous little dunce.

Can't even poke our heads in?

You're so young and curious, aren't you?

You just want to know
it all and taste it all,

explore it all, be it all,

dance with it all, suck it all, don't you?

I've got a riddle for you.

What has two thumbs

and is desperate for another hot-oil rub?

What?

This person.

Come on. Let's go.

Shh. This way.

Shh.

What are we doing here?

I want you to enter the Holy of Holies.

Oh, that is quite a coincidence

because I want you to
sit on the Poley of Poleys.

Oh, no. That's the Holy of Holies.

Oh, I thought you were talking about your--

You have to go in there
and speak to the gods.

The gods are in there? So they say.

But the only one who ever
goes in there is the high priest.

They say it's instant death
for anyone else to enter.

Then why am I going in?

Because you've been chosen.

If the gods wanted you dead,

they would've killed you already.

Right.

This is what you've been chosen for.

To speak to the gods, divine their purpose,

and plead with them to
end this terrible famine.

And then come back out
and tell me what it's like inside.

Okay. Okay.

Right.

I'm pretty sure I'm chosen,
but I'm not "sure" sure.

You're chosen.

Okay. I'm gonna go in,

but you gotta do something for me.

You gotta let my friends go.

Anything.

Don't kill me, don't
kill me, don't kill me.

Don't kill me, don't
kill me, don't kill me.

Get up. You look ridiculous.

Oh? What are you doing here?

I'm hiding from the high priest.

I spent the last two
hours rubbing oil on him.

Ew.

Is that chest hair?

Not all of it. Just don't ask, okay?

I've lost my sense of right and wrong.

Well, how did you get in
here without getting fried?

I don't know. How did you?

Well, 'cause I'm a chosen.

In fact, that's probably
why God didn't kill you:

He knew you were my follower.

I'm not your follower.

Then why are you always following me?

I'm not following you.

I walk behind you at the same pace as you.

I'm not following. I could
be leading from the rear.

Oh, come on. I'm the
leader. I always have been.

Some leader. Told us
you were gonna get us out.

Just been messing around at orgies.

Messing around at orgies?

No, no, no, no. I'm not like you.

I don't get to prance around
in gold paint and have fun.

I have no downtime.

Please. Your whole life is downtime.

That's what you think?
That's what everybody thinks.

Well, guess what? I'm
about to show you something.

Observe.

Almighty God, or gods,

whatever the case may be,

I need to ask a favor of you.

I know I've really messed things up

but, uh, I really need to
come through on this one,

and I wanna ask you to
please give me the strength

to free my friends.

And that's it, that's the favor.

Oh, shit.

And also, if you could just make it rain

or, like, uh, drizzle

without us having to kill a
virgin, you know what I mean?

Because, uh, we need
our virgins at the moment.

And also, if, uh, you
could give me the power

to see through women's clothing
without them knowing about it,

that would be really great.

Hello?

Hasn't it occurred to you
that it might just be silent

because God is not in here?

Look around. There's nothing in
here, okay? There's nobody here.

That doesn't prove anything.
Maybe he stepped away.

For what? God stuff.

If he needs something, he
can create it from nothing.

What's the point of being God
if you keep running for things?

Let me just put something out there.

Maybe God doesn't exist.

What? So everything is just random?

Then nothing would mean anything.

W-What would be the
point? That is the point.

The point is there's
no point? That's stupid.

You're stupid. No.

There's something bigger than me.

There's nothing bigger than you.

Don't touch my belly to make a point. Fine.

Okay. I'm sorry, I have a man's body.

I'm maturing at my own pace.

You are so jealous of me.

Jealous? That you're a bullshit artist?

That every time you speak,
it's bullshit when you talk?

You would believe in God if
you've ever been with a woman.

I'm a virgin by choice.

Not your choice.

Take that back.

I won't take it back. You
take back what you said.

Everything you've ever said-- No--

Don't stand close. Get
your belly off of my belly.

Don't touch your belly against mine.

I don't want to touch
bellies with you, ever.

Take everything you've ever said back.

Stop screaming! You're a freak!

Get off of me.

I can pull this thing together.

The princess is right out there.

And if I play this right

I'm gonna get us all out of
here, Maya and Eema too.

Just trust in me, would
you? Have a little faith.

Fine, but not for you. For Eema.

And because I'm too tired to argue.

I just had a long hot
bath with the high priest,

and I'm lightheaded.

I'm sorry for squeezing you so hard.

Let's go.

God, if you do exist, if
you make Eema love me

I would be very grateful. Okay?

If you do exist.

Oh.

You guys waiting to go in there?

Because I gotta say: Not that big a deal.

If you see a broken penis,

it was like that when we went in.

Seize him.

I'm seized.

I wish I was upside down.

Looks kind of fun.

Is it fun?

So you're not talking to me?

We're not friends anymore,
after all I've done for you?

What have you done for me?

I brought you out of your shell.

Yeah? I liked my
shell. I liked the village.

Now because of you,
I'm in this horrible place

where brothers kill brothers

and they burn women and
they make people slaves.

People cut off the ends of their penises

and they cut off their testicles

and I'm never gonna see Eema again

and it's because of you.

Please forgive me. I mean,
you are my best friend.

I hate the world. I hate you.

And now I'm hanging upside
down and I really have to pee.

I know I'm not perfect.

And maybe I made a few wrong turns,

but you gotta understand I'm a chosen.

That's a lot of responsibility.
You can't even imagine.

The only one that thinks that
you're chosen is you, okay?

So shut up already!

I'm gonna get us out of this thing

if it's the last thing I do.

That was just my first idea.

I'm also accepting ideas.

Guard! The upside down prisoner has to pee!

Oh, I'm peeing.

Oh, no.

Try to keep your mouth closed.

Oh, no. In the nose.

Hey, I'm peeing on my face too,

on the inside.

I hate you.

Observe, my dear,

since it was you who
lured him to his death.

"For the crimes of blasphemy,

"heresy,

conspiracy."

What you thinking about?

"Treachery, leprosy."

Trying to make conversation.

"Puppetry,

"Hyperbole." Your hair looks good today.

I peed all over it.

Then that's the secret, I guess.

"Sodomy."

Oh, it's "refusal of sodomy."

Can you just forgive me?

I think I hate you too much.

"Lechery and the murder
of my brother, Abel."

Oh, come on! Shut it!

For these, and other crimes,

the prisoners shall be stoned

to death!

Wait! Can I make a suggestion?

What?

Just have one person throw stones at us.

In fact, I think it would be fair

if you let us choose who gets to stone us.

No.

Me! Me! I wanna!

We want that guy. That guy.

Me?

That's our stoner.

What, just because I'm a
eunuch you don't think I can throw?

I'll show you throwing.

No, no. No, no, no! Gross.

Did he just hurl his own ball at him?

How spectacular.

No. That doesn't count.
That was a testicle.

I think it counts.

Pick somebody else.
What is that idiot doing?

I pick that guy!

Nice.

This guy? No, no, the shorter man.

Right in front of him.

That's not-- It's a kid. This is a kid.

So? You got something against kids?

This guy hates kids.

Let me smite him! Kid hater!

One shot! MAN 2: No, they're our future!

All right. Hey, go ahead and--

Okay. I'm hit.

Holy shit, that kid's got an arm.

God. There's two of us.

You guys happy now?

Okay!

Everybody on this side,
on the count of three,

One, two--

Wait! I have a question for the king.

Why didn't I die in the Holy of Holies?

Yes! I entered the Holy of Holies,

and, lo, I did not die.

Why?

Because I was chosen by the gods!

Spare the chosen one!

Spare the chosen one!

Spare the chosen one! Spare the chosen one!

Spare the chosen one!

And his friend!

And his young friend.

Don't kill either of them.

Everyone knows the chosen gets a plus one.

Is it possible? Is he truly chosen?

Well, of course it's
possible. Highly doubtful.

Majesty, with respect

whether he is chosen or
not is no longer the issue.

If you were to kill him
now, given the public mood

it could inflame the
situation so as to cause

a radical regime change.

If you take my meaning.

Yes, that will do.

Spare the chosen one! Spare the chosen one!

It is the judgment of our merciful king

that the prisoners be enslaved

to toil at hard labor until they die

of starvation or exhaustion!

Yes!

And how is that better?

You seem to enjoy your work.
How long have you been a slave?

Oh, I'm not a slave. I'm a volunteer.

Marlak. Enmebaragesi.

Long time no see.

I deserve that.

Take these bricks up top.
The masons are waiting.

I would but, you know, I
did something to my neck.

I think I slept on it funny.

I should probably take it easy,

or else I'll be no good for work tomorrow.

Move!

You know, the, uh, mud's
really good for your skin.

Yeah. Ask me why my skin's so good.

Why's your skin--? The mud.

I knew you were going to say that.

Oh, you've got to love being outside.

Move it!

Faster!

You two, up! Get on line. Now.

Where are we going?

To watch the sacrifice.

The king demands it. Is it compulsory?

There was some work
that I wanted to finish doing,

get a jump on tomorrow--

I'd like to see how big
you are without that whip.

Same basic size.

All is in readiness, Your Majesty.

What now? More virgins to sacrifice?

Yes, two.

Your own handmaiden and another slave.

Followers of the chosen one.

Discovered by this loyal soldier.

Oh, I was just doing
my job. It's what I do.

And one more to demonstrate

our own faith and charity.

For the love of the people,

and the heavenly gift of rain

we offer a humble sacrifice:

our own stepdaughter

the Princess Inanna.

You're insane.

For the good of the people, darling.

You wouldn't dare. Wouldn't I?

If you like, I can arrange
for you to join her.

Mother.

How long did you think I
would tolerate your insolence?

Burn her.

Drink it. You won't feel a thing.

Are they booing me? How dare they.

They love you. They're wooing you.

That's fine.

It's Maya! And Eema!

Wait, Maya's a virgin?

No, don't kill them! Don't kill them!

Far enough, slave. No,
kill me! I'm a male virgin.

Marlak, we can't let them do this! Eema!

Eema. Eema!

I've got to get down
there. Over my dead body.

No problem.

No. Hey! Hey! Hey!

Thanks, Marlak.

Uh-huh. Now what?

We implore the great gods to show us a sign

so that we may honor your divine will.

Take this end.

Lower me down.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

What is it?

It's a sign. The chosen one comes!

It's a sign! He's going
to end our suffering!

Fight the power! Yes, we can!

All together!

Let's cut some foreskins!

I knew I could depend upon your loyalty.

Oh, assholes.

Burn them. Burn them now. Burn them all!

Don't struggle, it's the will of the gods.

I don't think so.

Zed!

Guards!

Oh, sorry!

Stupid.

Ma'am? Okay? All right?

Get the message?

Okay, we should be safe in here.

Thank you.

So, Eema, this might be
a bad time to say all this,

but, um, that stuff that
you saw the other night

with the high priest, uh, that--

He's a friend.

That was totally not a gay thing.

I always thought that you
and I had a connection.

So I just wanted to mention it now.

I always thought that we had one

and maybe thought you
might have felt the same.

I just wanted to maybe bring it
up and see what you would say.

But I always thought-- I always have felt

a certain way about you.

I don't know if you know or not but you--

All those dead birds that
were always outside of your hut,

those were from me.

Just kiss me. From me like a gift for you.

I don't know, I thought
you would like those, um--

I always thought that you
could maybe use the dead birds

in a soup or something.

Or, I don't know, I
thought they were practical.

Should I take off my undercloth?

Oh, tough guy, huh? You want a piece of me?

I'm going to bash your head in.

That was a nice shot.

Hey. Uh, hey.

Zed!

Get up and die like a man.

Nobody harm this woman.
She's not a virgin anymore.

He's not either.

I saved her life with my lovemaking.

Sit tight, mama. Daddy's gotta fight.

Okay. No, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, don't kill him!

What? Uh--

I just had sex with my new girlfriend.

So? I had to tell somebody.

It was great. I loved it.

I'm hoping I'm going to
get another opportunity.

Uh, what's going on behind you?

I'm not falling for that.

Sodomize this!

Wow.

Hey, Zed!

Stop! No! Get back!

Let her go! No!

The gods demand a
sacrifice. You're ruining it!

How about a little more oil?

Yes, darling?

I always knew you'd break my heart.

A little hot!

That was ironic.

So, uh...

On behalf of the whole city

I'd like to thank the high priest

for his incredible sacrifice.

That was really something, wasn't it?

Come on. Put your hands
together, it makes a sound.

Yeah!

The chosen one! The chosen one!

The chosen one! The chosen one!

Oh.

Okay,

that was a little confusing, wasn't it?

Was that a sign from the gods?

Everybody wants to know.

Well, I should know, because
I'm the chosen one, right?

Yeah!

You respect me.

Yeah!

You love me.

Yeah!

You fear me.

Yeah!

You would worship me.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Well, don't.

Yeah! No.

I'm not saying, "Don't" like,

"I'm the chosen one, so don't."

I'm saying "don't" because
I'm not the chosen one.

I thought I was,

but, uh, I'm not, sorry.

Turns out I'm just a guy from the woods

who was lucky enough
to have these great friends

to watch my back.

I'm telling you, you don't need me.

You know what? Maybe we
can all make our own destiny.

Yeah. Maybe we could all be chosen.

Yeah!

You! Yeah, you! You could be chosen!

Yeah! And you! And you!

Yeah!

Way over in the back! You, little guy!

Yeah!

So you're queen.

Couldn't have done it without you.

Yeah, you could've.

No, really, I tried for years and...

Maybe you couldn't have. I
was pretty amazing with the old--

Sorry about almost
luring you to your death.

Oh, please.

All right. Oh.

Oh.

Okay.

See you later.

Come on, people.

You, pick up that bag of camel dung.

Yes, sir. Hang on to it all day.

Hustle up. These donkeys
don't pack themselves.

I will kill you where you stand.

Relax.

They cut a little off the end,

there's plenty more where that came from.

No, this is my woman.

Stay away, or I'll kill
you where you stand.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

Just go. Get out of here or I'll kill you.

Cranky today.

So are you still thinking
about going to Egypt?

Supposed to be a real happening
place. You coming with or not?

Well, I mean, I was kind of
planning on going anyway, so...

Yeah?

Let me show you this new
style. Everyone's doing it.

You open your mouth really
wide. It makes it way sexier.

I'm thinking about introducing the tongue,

but I haven't perfected it yet.

You know, we'll work on that.

All right.

Look at us. Two men.

One going to lead a village

and the other going to explore the world.

You sure you don't want
to come back, help me?

You don't need me.

Everybody knows you're
the smartest guy in the village.

You're the most incredible
warrior anyone's ever seen.

The way you punched that lady? Man!

I mean, you know...

She left me no choice, so I had to,

you know, punch her in the face.

Well, we'll tell stories
about you around the fire.

Strangers shake hands.
Get that thing out of here.

I'm going to miss you, little guy.

I'm going to miss you more.

Just trying to sniff you.

I want to remember your scent.

That's probably the urine in my hair.

I can't let them see me cry.

They respect me too much.

Me too. On three.

One, two, three, break.

May the gods smile on you. See you around.

Whatever. Later.

Oh? What?

I want you to have babies with my sister.

Try and stop me.

All right, man.

Zed, may the gods smile on you.

You said that.

May they. Yeah. Thank you, though.

All right, come on, folks.
We're heading out now,

because I say so, all right?

What's the deal? Come on, Lindsey.

Come on, everyone's looking.

Please. Go. Good.

To the north!

You know that that's west.

Mm-hm. Yeah, I was just
checking to see if you knew.

To the west!

I'm already glad you're here.

I see the light At the
end of the tunnel now

I see the light

No time to speak No time to explain

One, two, three, foreskin!

Invoke your blessing and do your will.

What's the fucking line? What is it?

It was a game. It was a game of chance

and he hit his head and he killed himself.

If anything, it was a suicide.

Okay.

I let one go.

In honor of the chosen one,

as my first official act as your queen,

I'm going to go back
and say the line again.

Let's go back. MAN2: Do you want to try it?

Yeah.

You just want it all, don't you?

You want to taste it all
and know it all and feel it all.

And suck it all in and
blow it all out your backside,

don't you? Sorry.

It's like the Great Turtle
coming out of the sea, you know?

It's like with the earth on its back,

you understand?

I'm an oilman.

You're cursed, Zed, and
if you don't leave here

we're all going to be cursed.

And it drank up the ocean,
then pooped out the mountains

and the first man fell from the stars.

This is-- I don't--

This doesn't make a lot of sense, guys.

Can I talk to Harold? Is that--?

Gotcha.

Do you sometimes lust?

What's that?

What's that? A strange
Gorgon from another time!

I weep for the suffering of my people.

We're getting boned by
the planes and the trains,

and the hey and the what, huh?

Zed?

Oh, that's great. Zed?
It's constricting me.

Can I show you this new
kiss I been thinking about?

Yeah. It's called a tongue kiss.

Someone please tell me It's not a train

It's strange. Yeah. Okay.
Still perfecting it, yeah.

It's fine. All right.

What?

And camera reloading!

And if you listen now

You might hear

A new sound coming in

As an old one disappears

See the world In just one grain of sand

You better take A closer look

Don't let it slip Right through your hand

Won't you please hear The call

The world says

Put the message in the box

Put the box into the car

Drive the car Around the world

Until you get heard

Now is the moment

Please understand

The road is wide open

To the heart of every man

A few simple words

So a mule could understand

He don't want tomorrow

If it's just crumbling