All language subtitles for Velma.S02E05.480p.x264-RUBiK

[Velma] Previously on Velma...

[Merle] My beloved brother
passed away.

The two women hoping
to replace him as sheriff,

have outsourced
the investigation
of his death to kids!

Which leaves me no choice
but to enter the race myself.

-Amber's doing a seance.
-[Sophie] A seance?

I knew something
was up with those
new witchy neighbors.

Dr. Dane Dupree.

Holy crap.
Is my grandma alive?

You, of all people,
know how much I've struggled
to find the real me.

It's not the unknown
that freaks me out.

It's idiots like you
who ignore facts
and science that do.

Daphne, we need to talk.

You've said enough already.
Go away.

-So after a huge fight over
whether or not she's a witch...
-[phone pings]

...Daphne isn't talking to me.

She is, however, pointedly
posting a lot on social media.

And her followers
love the new her.

Sorry, papaya Wiccan Daphne
is done with everything orange.

Michelle Obama liked this?

Worse, I can't clap back
because I'm terrible
at social media.

Sorry, Ed, rational-minded
Velma is done with redheads.

Olive suggested baiting Daphne
with a hot pic

using an app she has
to make your butt look bigger.

But when I tried it,
I just enraged
the flat-butt community.

To get Daphne's attention,
I need to up my game.

So let's just see how Daphne
feels when she wakes up

to a picture of me
in the school library

reading a book called
How to Find
a Better Girlfriend.

If the threat of breaking up
doesn't get her to talk to me,

I don't know what will.

[screaming]

[theme music playing]

So you, quote,
"found the coroners' bodies

on the pentagram
where Amber held their
dumbass seance yesterday"?

This is feeling
a little biased.

Biased? This screams
"witch" more than
a sexually frustrated pilgrim!

Clearly, Amber's
the serial killer.

Even the cameras were disabled
with little pentagrams!

Everyone calm down, Fred Jones,
Spooky Stuff Hunter, is here.

Yeah, I'm still doing that.
And from my readings,
witches only kill

when someone tries
to eat their house
made of cake and candy.

But look at Daphne!
She's lost her witchy clothes.

Clearly you've realized
you're not actually a witch

and are now distancing
yourself from Amber
because you know they did this.

What? No! I just needed
a break from white dresses.

People kept asking if I was
getting adult baptized.

Wait, you're still
into witchcraft
even after seeing this?

Table this, kids.
We have to talk to the press.

They can't get
so much as a whiff of this.

What? No way!

Call me the skunk
'cause I'm about to
spray it everywhere.

Everyone has to know
the danger Amber poses.

Velma, "Dong removing witch"
is literally America's
worst nightmare.

People will freak out.

This can't leak
until we know more.

I'll be brief. We found
the bodies of two men
in their 40s,

or so we assume from
their tribal armband tattoos.

Regardless, we have no cause
of death at this time.

Argh, you don't need
a cause of death to know
that this makes

four middle-aged men
killed within the past week!

My vacation shirts
have subtler patterns,

and yet you two still think
you should be sheriff?

Now is not the time
for grandstanding, Merle.

How dare you
accuse me of grandstanding!

I am on a soapbox!

And I, Sheriff candidate
Merle Cogburn,

believe a serial killer
is targeting middle-aged men!

-[audience gasps]
-Now who will watch our
World War II documentaries?

Or collect guitars?

Look, we understand
your distress.

But even Velma, who's actually
caught a serial killer,

feels there are no leads
or reasons to panic.

Isn't that right, Velma?

I will be reading
a prepared statement.

Given a lack of evidence,
and the fact we're apparently
living in a police state,

it is too soon
to draw any conclusions.

Well, okay, but I see
Fred Jones is also up there.

Are you exploring any
"spooky angles" to this case?

-No!
-[Velma grunts]

I'm here to say I've found
nothing witchy about
the murders at this time.

-[whispering] You're welcome.
-Witchy? Why would
you say witchy?

-Is there reason to believe
the serial killer is a witch?
-[audience gasps]

This press conference is over.

Daphne, where are you going?
We need to talk.

[pants and sighs]

[yelps] Please be the serial
killer and not Velma.

-Daphne?
-Norville?
What are you doing here?

Uh, I was saying goodbye
to, uh, the trash.

I'll never see it again.
Well, anyway, my car's here.

-I'm heading home.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

The Norville Rogers
I'm picking up is going to
the Crystal Cove Insane Asylum.

-What?
-Daphne, please
stop ignoring me.

I'm your girlfriend.

And we just need
to talk about Amber
until you admit I'm right!

-Go!
-[Norville grunts]

[tires screech]

You think your
grandmother is alive?

Dane Dupree is an anagram
for Edna Perdue.

So either yes, she's alive,
or I'm about to meet

a delightful
southern restaurateur.

Okay, well, can I tag along?

After the seance and these new
murders I am not ready to deal

with Velma's endless,
"I told you so's" about
embracing witchcraft.

Sure, but Velma's not wrong.

You ditching your
witchy clothes is suspicious.

Do you think
Amber's a serial killer?

No, it's just that
after that failed seance,

I don't feel like I'm a witch
or a popular girl.

-I don't know who I am. [yelps]
-We're girlfriends!

That's the only identity
either of us needs!
Come back!

-[tires screech]
-[screams]

Velma, thank God I found you.

[baby babble box
in Amanda's voice] I have
your room now, girl, dog.

You stopped me for that?
Daphne was about to admit
the error of her ways.

Okay, but I have to show you
something at home.

-I think it has to do
with the murders.
-[gasps]

Whoa! Look at all those rings.

Did you finally win your
land war with the South African
diamond miners?

No, hearing about the murders
made me realize life is short.

And when you're rich and find
someone you care about,
you lock them down ASAP.

So you have legal leverage
if they ever want to leave you.

You're proposing to Diya?
I'll kill you!

[exhales] Hold on.
That's weird 'cause I don't
think I'm actually angry.

Is this what
emotional growth feels like?

I wouldn't know, but this is
gonna be the best thing
that's ever happened to us.

And Diya. She's a middle-aged
single woman.

I believe
they turn those into glue.

But I want the proposal
to be a surprise.

So I need you to secretly
find her ring size.

I will not let you down.

Unless, as Diya
is about to say, I do.

-Uh.
-Ugh, it's stuck, isn't it?

-Yup.
-[scoffs and grunts]

[spiritual music playing]

Damn, Sophie, since when
did you get into gardening?

And tell me this isn't organic.

I need all the growth hormones
I can get.

Sorry, but with your
parents' divorce settled,
I feel I can finally nest.

And as I was working
out here last night,

I heard witchy cackling
coming from Daphne's backyard.

[laughing maniacally]

Oh, my God! That's why
Linda and Donna didn't want me
talking to the press.

Not only do they know
Amber's the killer,
they're protecting them. Look!

Are their crotches missing?
Did the killer do that?

You need to post that picture
and warn the world about Amber.

Okay, but it won't do any good.

My posts get treated like
sensible tax reform.
Mocked and ignored.

That's because
teen social media
is about making people horny.

Adult social media
is about making people
afraid of their neighbors.

Plus, you've already caught
one serial killer.

People will listen
to you about this!

Okay! I'm posting pictures
of Amber, their mom's bookstore
and the crime scene.

But I promise you
nothing will happen.

Wow! Look at all those likes.

Huh, it feels
a little shallow TBH. Wait!

Brain chemistry just changed.

This is the greatest feeling
in the world!

Good morning.
Welcome to Crystal Cove Asylum,

where all of your fantasies
hopefully won't come true.

Yes. Hello. We'd like
to see Dr. Dane Dupree.

Uh, Dr. Dane Dupree?

Do you mean, Dr. Dane Perdue?
Wait. No, no, You were right.

It's Dr. Dane Purdoctor, I mean
Edna Purdane, oh boy.

Forget it, Rhonda. You blew it.

-I'll deal with these two.
-Grandma?

-[Norville yelps]
-[both yawn]

Oh, my God, 3,000 likes
and counting!

Any more and I'll have to start
a lifestyle brand.

-[Velma yelps]
-Velma, what have you done?

What have I done? Men are dead,
and you're protecting Amber

more than parents
who say "boys will be boys."

Amber is going to jail.

No, Velma.

Thanks to you, I'm going
to be burned alive!

[Velma gasps]

Bring out the witch!

Don't blame me.
If you'd arrested Amber,
we could've avoided this.

There's no time
to point fingers.

Just do something before
that mob... Oh, god!
Tramples my new flowers.

The evidence doesn't
point to Amber, Velma.

They have an alibi.
They were with us all night.

What? Why wouldn't you
just tell me that?

The same reason anyone
keeps anything quiet.

Truth makes us look bad.

Excuse me, everyone.

Thank you for forming
this angry mob
on such short notice.

[crowd cheering]

Unfortunately, for
the first time ever,

it seems the social media post
was not accurate.

While the murders feel witchy,
new evidence suggests
it was not Amber.

See, with the election
coming up, Amber
was helping us all night

by burning Merle's
yard signs in our backyard.

Yeah, wait, what?
You burned my signs?

It was childish
and in social media fashion,
everyone is sorry-ish.

Oh, my! Well, then it seems
we've made a terrible error

because Amber is even more
powerful than we thought!

They've cast a spell
on Velma to defend them!

Burn Amber!

-What? No!
-Ahhh! No!

No! Stop! You're all in danger.

A killer is still out there
targeting your dongs.

Exactly.
And that killer is Amber.

According to this
one commenter,

witches use penii for
their spells and potions.

Now we've got Amber outnumbered
so they don't scare us.

In fact, men, let's show
everyone how brave we are!

Stand up to the witches!
Remove your britches!

[crowd cheering]

You'll get my cold
dead genitals when you
pry them from my hand!

[Velma] I think
you said that wrong.

I assure you, I did not!

They're not going to listen
to us, Velma!

I know. But there is someone
they will listen to.

Sophie, I need a ride.

[sinister music playing]

[gasps] Grandma?
What's going on?

You're alive?
And is Grandma what I call you?

No. Dr. Perdue will suffice.

Now, how did you find me?

Your mother
nor father are that smart.

Our biology teacher,
Gavin Swendig had a staff list.

Norville rearranged
the letters of Dr. Dane Dupree,

which, honestly,

for somebody
who's supposedly brilliant,
seems a little lazy.

Oh, I had Rhonda do it. [sighs]
Shame on me, right?

But Gavin is
one of those dead men.

Why is he looking for me?
Tell me about it.

We're not telling you anything
until you explain

how you've secretly
been alive for 30 years!

Norville, I understand
your frustration.

But telling
anyone was too risky.

The military is still after me
for hiding my journals

and abandoning Project SCOOBI.

And god help us
if they ever found this!

[Norville gasps]

[suspenseful music playing]

That's why there's no
eating on the floor, Rhonda.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You think I can
talk the mob down?

I mean, I could try,
but I usually just incite them.

I know, but Merle
listened to you earlier.

And mobs just want easy answers
in a scary, complex world.

Believing in the supernatural
allows you to connect
with them.

On a, uh, a simpler level
I can't.

Okay, Well, I'll still do it.

But only because I need you
to do something for me.

Or rather, us.

I need you to get me your mom's
ring size without her knowing.

[both] William is proposing?

They've only been dating
for two weeks.

The only question he needs
to be popping is
"Are your tubes tied?"

I know, but I've never
seen Father so happy.

So do this for me
or that witch will burn.

I can't tell what's sadder.

That Diya's getting
married before me,

or that all of these
are gold-plated.

Oh, Diya getting
married before you.

All right, Fred, you have
my mom's ring size.
Now we have to go.

My relationship with Daphne
is already on the rocks.

And if the mob burns Amber,
Daphne might think
it's somehow my fault.

[sinister music playing]

Now, what we do here
is unorthodox.

So please reserve
all judgment until the end.

-[Daphne gasps]
-Oh, God!
You're a monster.

[Daphne] Coconut seltzer?

Sorry, wrong door.

And some people
like the taste of sunscreen.

-[both gasp]
-What? Who do
these brains belong to?

The brave. The curious.

And, of course,
the rich and bored.

-That lady brought her cat.
-[meowing]

See, while at Project SCOOBI
I made an incredible discovery.

When I placed hardened
soldiers' brains in jars

they discovered
their true selves,

unsullied by
outside influences.

After the procedure, now,
knowing who they were,

they all left the military.

One became a teacher,
two got married,
and one walked on his hands

because I put his brain
back in upside down.

I have since perfected
the technology, and now

anyone can have
their brain removed
to find their true self.

-Rhonda, I told you
to get a mat.
-Sorry!

Hold on. You faked your death

and abandoned your family
to create a day spa for brains?

Norville, helping people
figure out who they really are
is revolutionary work.

Exactly! And I
couldn't contact you

and risk
the military finding me.

It takes rigorous screening
before I let anyone in here.

I haven't even reached out
to those poor girls
Victoria Jones put in jars,

even though
I'm sure they're dying.

[both] What?
The Brains are dying?

[mob yelling]

Mom, you have to
convince them I'm not evil!

Read them one of my poems!

-Which one? "Love Unites"?
-[crowd] Aw!

Or "I'll do anything to stay
a young witch forever
parentheses mwah-ha-ha."

[Amber] Mom!

Oh, no! We're too late!
What do we do?

Nothing if you
want to stay alive!

But Amber didn't do this.

The only thing
they're guilty of is thinking
they could replace me

as the driving force
in Daphne's life.

Yeah, I know that, Velma.
I've always known that.

I've just been using this
to help my sheriff campaign.

I didn't think they'd
actually try to burn them.

But now anyone who tries
to talk sense to the mob

will be burned with a witch!

You know, the thin crust
actually has fewer carbs

than this gross
cauliflower crust.

[mob yelling] No!
Cauliflower must be healthier!

Wait, you're right.
As Americans,
we'd rather destroy anyone

who points out our delusions
than admit we might be wrong.

Amber's gonna burn.

[man] Not on my watch,
they aren't!

-[cocks rifle and fires]
-[crowd gasps]

Untie that witch!

[guns cocking]

Never mind! As you were!

William, what
were you thinking?

That witch can't die!

Diya found out I was gonna
propose and said no.

So now I need Amber
to cast a love spell on her.

Damn it, Velma!
I knew you'd ruin the secret.

Just when you think
the day can't get worse.

It wasn't Velma.

I figured it out because
Aman posted this.

TFW You're not paying
alimony anymore? #freedom

#never making
that mistake again? Aman!

All right!

-[Sophie] Ugh!
-Yeah! Get him, Sophie!

If Aman hadn't posted that,
I'd be proposing
on my yacht right now.

Diya's only way home
would be to say yes or swim.

Wait. And if I hadn't posted
that picture of Amber

and the dead coroners,
the mob wouldn't be here.

Holy crap, I think I know
how to save Amber!

Even more guns?
Wondered when you'd get there.

No. The only thing
Americans hate more
than being told they're wrong,

is learning
they've been lied to.

If the mob is
looking for blood...

Then we just gotta give
them some red meat!

[crowd yelling angrily]

Concerned people
of Crystal Cove!

All this is
because you saw a post!

So I ask, is the problem
witches or elites

using big tech to manipulate
your feeling on witches?

Are you pawns? Or are you men?

And women
whose motives I can't totally
wrap my head around.

-[mob yelling]
-[Merle] Exactly!

Then let this witch go and turn
your anger to the force
that bewitched your minds,

-[Merle] Social media!
-[mob] Velma!

Fie! A pox on you all!

Help! Mom get Dad,
he's a lawyer!

Maybe the threat of a lawsuit
will get them to release me.

You said you didn't want
to get married.

I remember because
that's the moment
I fell in love with you.

That was before we had a child!

And even though
Diya was missing,
you were still married to her.

But now you're not.

And I've worked hard to turn
our den of sin into a home,

hoping we could
make it official.

Wait. That's why
you redid the garden?

I just thought you were bored
like every other gardener.

It's a metaphor.

I want to grow
something together.

How am I supposed to figure
that out from flowers?

-Hmm.
-Aman! What are you doing?

Butt out! And don't
stand in my flowers!

-Or do. I don't care anymore!
-[Aman] Ugh.

Velma! What can I do
that doesn't involve

-me confronting anyone
who might hurt me?
-Oh, Fred.

Maybe you and your dad
can just pay them to leave.

Like when a CEO
messes up real bad.

What? I didn't hear you!

I'm telling you to shut down
the will of the people
with money.

It's every rich person's dream.

Dad, are you
getting any of that?

Uh-uh.
It's just like the squeak
of a balloon deflating.

Velma, that won't work!

I've been around William
enough to learn that
rich people can't hear you

when you tell them
how to spend their money!

It has to be their idea. Watch!

William, look,
I really like you,

-but it's too soon
to get married.
-I agree.

But if you're not locked down,
you can just leave.

That gives you too much power.

My friends at the club
will laugh.

But a real relationship
isn't about power,
and locking people down.

It's about caring and respect.

Wow. You are truly
the most remarkable woman
I've ever known.

I would do anything for you.

Then please, pay these people
to leave Velma alone.

I'm sorry.
Did you say something?

[Velma] Mom! They lit the fire!

Hey, no one roasts
my daughter but me!

[Diya groans and yells]

Now, why'd you go and do that?

[both yell] Help!

The Brains can't die!

They were about
to start internships
as buoys in the marina.

-How do we save them?
-Well, it's fairly simple.

I just need to change
the solution in their jars
as soon as possible.

Wait, that's it?
Great! Let's go!

Ow, I thought you were
asking hypothetically.

See, that's how
I would save them
if I could leave the asylum.

But I can't. No one
outside of this place

can know I'm alive
or the military might find me.

Argh!

[grunts and yells
in frustration]

I've had it with you, Grandma!

It's bad enough you think
your work is more important
than your family,

but you also think it's more
important than saving lives?

-Yes! Perfectly summarized.
-Hold on.

What if you went
to the Brains in my body?

This is all my fault, Mom.

I'm worse at social media
than a fast food company
during Pride month.

You can't win.
Being bad at social media
makes people insecure,

and so does being good at it.

At least that's
what I tell myself
when someone unfollows me.

[gasps] No, wait, Mom,
that's the answer.

Fear and insecurity
created the mob,

which means it can destroy it.

All I have to do is exploit
the biggest insecurity of all.

Or should I say, smallest.
[chuckles softly]

I'm gonna post some altered
photos of Sheriff Cogburn,
Mr. S, and the coroners.

Just prey the "bulge" setting
on Olive's butt enlarging
app works.

And post!

[mob yelling angrily]

-Velma, you're brilliant!
-What did you post?

-Do you not follow me?
-No, I, uh, do. I just, my,
uh, my battery died.

Velma, is this post true?

That all the victims
were better endowed

than a public
broadcasting service?

Yes. Sorry, we didn't
mention that earlier.

The killer is only
targeting men with huge dongs.

So if you don't have
a huge dong,

stay here as long as you want.

You're fine. Everyone will just
know you have a small dong.

Yeah, I see. Huh.

Yeah. Well, the rest of you
fellas are probably safe.

But I should head inside.

I have to go feed mine
so it don't attack me.

All this rampaging and having
a big penis hurts my back.

You did it, Velma!

You used social media
to actually do a good thing.

Huh. Maybe I'm finally
starting to figure it out.

In fact, I've heard selfies
perform better

when you take your glasses off.

[all gasp]

[all screaming]

You're suggesting my grandma
do a reverse Get Out?

That movie is a modern classic,

I don't think Jordan Peele
needs our take on it.

But it's the only way
to save Lola and the rest
of the Brains.

Not to mention
being a brain in a jar

sounds like it's exactly what
I need to figure out who I am.

She should use my body instead.

My granny, my choice.

And for that reason,
I say, "Hell, naw."

Because you couldn't live with
yourself if something bad

happened to your
flesh and blood?

How dare you?
The procedure is foolproof.

I just don't want to touch
your penis when I have to pee.
It's weird.

But then again, putting
my brain in the body
of a young Asian woman,

could raise some
thorny questions.

Agreed. So let's stay
off social media
and handle it respectfully.

And go save those Brains!

-[all screaming]
-Help us!

Or at least toss out a s'more
so I can die happy!

-Oh, no!
-It's Arizona all over again.

[tires screeching]

[all whooping and applauding]

-Dad, you saved us!
-No, this wasn't about you.

I was putting out the fire
before the heat wilted
Sophie's flowers.

-[Sophie and Velma] You were?
-Yes. I know I'm not perfect.

But I always protect
what's important to me.

[Sophie] Aw!

[crashing]

[Velma] Amber, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have jumped
to any conclusions.

Or posted that picture.

Or bought 50,000 followers
to repost it.

It's honestly not okay,
but according to
my rune stones,

-you'll get what's coming
to you soon enough.
-Huh?

The good news is
that we'll be able
to focus all of our attention

on catching
the actual serial killer

-as soon as we're elected
co-sheriffs tomorrow.
-[phone chimes]

I mean, this is gonna sound
insane, but voters are actually
responding negatively

to the fact that Merle
tried to burn women alive.

Well, if that
doesn't merit a post,
I don't know what does.

-[phone pings]
-[Velma gasps]

What?

[Daphne's brain]
What do you mean you liked,
then unliked Velma's post?

[Dr. Perdue] Oh, God,
I just did it again.

[Daphne's brain] I told you
to stay off social media.

[theme music playing]

So teens, my point is,
Jesus only had 12 followers

and he still went viral.

LOL,

Lord of Light.

No, fuck me. It was dark.

[screams in terror]

[theme music playing]