All language subtitles for Velma.S02E05.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

Previously on Velma...

My beloved
brother passed away.

The two women hoping to
replace him as sheriff,

have outsourced the investigation
of his death to kids!

Which leaves me no choice
but to enter the race myself.

- Amber's doing a seance.
- A seance?

I knew something was up with
those new witchy neighbors.

Dr. Dane Dupree.

Holy crap. Is my grandma alive?

You, of all people, know how much
I've struggled to find the real me.

It's not the unknown
that freaks me out.

It's idiots like you who ignore
facts and science that do.

Daphne, we need to talk.

You've said enough
already. Go away.

- So after a huge fight over whether or not she's a witch...

Daphne isn't talking to me.

She is, however, pointedly
posting a lot on social media.

And her followers
love the new her.

Sorry, papaya Wiccan Daphne is
done with everything orange.

Michelle Obama liked this?

Worse, I can't clap back because
I'm terrible at social media.

Sorry, Ed, rational-minded
Velma is done with redheads.

Olive suggested baiting
Daphne with a hot pic

using an app she has to
make your butt look bigger.

But when I tried it, I just
enraged the flat-butt community.

To get Daphne's attention,
I need to up my game.

So let's just see how Daphne
feels when she wakes up

to a picture of me
in the school library

reading a book called How
to Find a Better Girlfriend.

If the threat of breaking up
doesn't get her to talk to me,

I don't know what will.

So you, quote, "found
the coroners' bodies

on the pentagram where Amber held
their dumb-ass seance yesterday"?

This is feeling a little biased.

Biased? This screams "witch" more
than a sexually frustrated pilgrim!

Clearly, Amber's
the serial killer.

Even the cameras were disabled
with little pentagrams!

Everyone calm down, Fred Jones,
Spooky Stuff Hunter, is here.

Yeah, I'm still doing that. And
from my readings, witches only kill

when someone tries to eat their
house made of cake and candy.

But look at Daphne! She's
lost her witchy clothes.

Clearly you've realized
you're not actually a witch

and are now distancing yourself from
Amber because you know they did this.

What? No! I just needed a
break from white dresses.

People kept asking if I
was getting adult baptized.

Wait, you're still into
witchcraft even after seeing this?

Table this, kids. We have
to talk to the press.

They can't get so much
as a whiff of this.

What? No way!

Call me the skunk 'cause I'm
about to spray it everywhere.

Everyone has to know
the danger Amber poses.

Velma, "Dong removing witch" is
literally America's worst nightmare.

People will freak out.

This can't leak
until we know more.

I'll be brief. We found the
bodies of two men in their 40s,

or so we assume from their
tribal armband tattoos.

Regardless, we have no
cause of death at this time.

Argh, you don't need a cause of
death to know that this makes

four middle-aged men killed
within the past week!

My vacation shirts
have subtler patterns,

and yet you two still think
you should be sheriff?

Now is not the time for
grandstanding, Merle.

How dare you accuse
me of grandstanding!

I am on a soapbox!

And I, Sheriff
candidate Merle Cogburn,

believe a serial killer is
targeting middle-aged men!

- Now who will
watch our World War II documentaries?

Or collect guitars?

Look, we understand
your distress.

But even Velma, who's actually
caught a serial killer,

feels there are no leads
or reasons to panic.

Isn't that right, Velma?

I will be reading a
prepared statement.

Given a lack of evidence, and the fact
we're apparently living in a police state,

it is too soon to
draw any conclusions.

Well, okay, but I see Fred
Jones is also up there.

Are you exploring any
"spooky angles" to this case?

- No!

I'm here to say I've found nothing
witchy about the murders at this time.

- You're welcome.
- Witchy? Why would you say witchy?

- Is there reason to believe the serial killer is a witch?

This press conference is over.

Daphne, where are you
going? We need to talk.

Please be the
serial killer and not Velma.

-Daphne?
-Norville? What are you doing here?

Uh, I was saying goodbye
to, uh, the trash.

I'll never see it again.
Well, anyway, my car's here.

- I'm heading home.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

The Norville Rogers I'm picking up is
going to the Crystal Cove Insane Asylum.

- What?
- Daphne, please stop ignoring me.

I'm your girlfriend.

And we just need to talk about
Amber until you admit I'm right!

- Go!

You think your
grandmother is alive?

Dane Dupree is an
anagram for Edna Perdue.

So either yes, she's
alive, or I'm about to meet

a delightful southern
restaurateur.

Okay, well, can I tag along?

After the seance and these new
murders I am not ready to deal

with Velma's endless, "I told you
so's" about embracing witchcraft.

Sure, but Velma's not wrong.

You ditching your witchy
clothes is suspicious.

Do you think Amber's
a serial killer?

No, it's just that after
that failed seance,

I don't feel like I'm a
witch or a popular girl.

- I don't know who I am.
- We're girlfriends!

That's the only identity
either of us needs! Come back!

Velma, thank God I found you.

I have your room now, girl, dog.

You stopped me for that? Daphne was
about to admit the error of her ways.

Okay, but I have to show
you something at home.

- I think it has to do with the murders.

Whoa! Look at all those rings.

Did you finally win your land war
with the South African diamond miners?

No, hearing about the murders
made me realize life is short.

And when you're rich and find someone
you care about, you lock them down ASAP.

So you have legal leverage if
they ever want to leave you.

You're proposing to
Diya? I'll kill you!

Hold on. That's weird 'cause
I don't think I'm actually angry.

Is this what emotional
growth feels like?

I wouldn't know, but this is gonna be the
best thing that's ever happened to us.

And Diya. She's a
middle-aged single woman.

I believe they turn
those into glue.

But I want the proposal
to be a surprise.

So I need you to secretly
find her ring size.

I will not let you down.

Unless, as Diya is
about to say, I do.

- Uh.
- Ugh, it's stuck, isn't it?

- Yup.

Damn, Sophie, since when
did you get into gardening?

And tell me this isn't organic.

I need all the growth
hormones I can get.

Sorry, but with your parents' divorce
settled, I feel I can finally nest.

And as I was working
out here last night,

I heard witchy cackling
coming from Daphne's backyard.

Oh, my God! That's why Linda and Donna
didn't want me talking to the press.

Not only do they know Amber's the
killer, they're protecting them. Look!

Are their crotches missing?
Did the killer do that?

You need to post that picture
and warn the world about Amber.

Okay, but it won't do any good.

My posts get treated like sensible
tax reform. Mocked and ignored.

That's because teen social media
is about making people horny.

Adult social media is about making
people afraid of their neighbors.

Plus, you've already
caught one serial killer.

People will listen
to you about this!

Okay! I'm posting pictures of Amber,
their mom's bookstore and the crime scene.

But I promise you
nothing will happen.

Wow! Look at all those likes.

Huh, it feels a little
shallow TBH. Wait!

Brain chemistry just changed.

This is the greatest
feeling in the world!

Good morning. Welcome
to Crystal Cove Asylum,

where all of your fantasies
hopefully won't come true.

Yes. Hello. We'd like
to see Dr. Dane Dupree.

Uh, Dr. Dane Dupree?

Do you mean, Dr. Dane Perdue?
Wait. No, no, You were right.

It's Dr. Dane Purdoctor, I
mean Edna Purdane, oh boy.

Forget it, Rhonda. You blew it.

- I'll deal with these two.
- Grandma?

Oh, my God, 3,000
likes and counting!

Any more and I'll have to
start a lifestyle brand.

- Velma, what have you done?

What have I done? Men are dead,
and you're protecting Amber

more than parents who
say "boys will be boys."

Amber is going to jail.

No, Velma.

Thanks to you, I'm going
to be burned alive!

Bring out the witch!

Don't blame me. If you'd arrested
Amber, we could've avoided this.

There's no time
to point fingers.

Just do something before that mob...
Oh, god! Tramples my new flowers.

The evidence doesn't
point to Amber, Velma.

They have an alibi. They
were with us all night.

What? Why wouldn't
you just tell me that?

The same reason anyone
keeps anything quiet.

Truth makes us look bad.

Excuse me, everyone.

Thank you for forming this
angry mob on such short notice.

Unfortunately, for
the first time ever,

it seems the social media
post was not accurate.

While the murders feel witchy, new
evidence suggests it was not Amber.

See, with the election coming up,
Amber was helping us all night

by burning Merle's yard
signs in our backyard.

Yeah, wait, what?
You burned my signs?

It was childish and in social media
fashion, everyone is sorry-ish.

Oh, my! Well, then it seems
we've made a terrible error

because Amber is even more
powerful than we thought!

They've cast a spell on
Velma to defend them!

Burn Amber!

- What? No!
- Ahhh! No!

No! Stop! You're all in danger.

A killer is still out
there targeting your dongs.

Exactly. And that
killer is Amber.

According to this one commenter,

witches use penii for
their spells and potions.

Now we've got Amber outnumbered
so they don't scare us.

In fact, men, let's show
everyone how brave we are!

Stand up to the witches!
Remove your britches!

You'll get my cold dead genitals
when you pry them from my hand!

I think you
said that wrong.

I assure you, I did not!

They're not going to
listen to us, Velma!

I know. But there is
someone they will listen to.

Sophie, I need a ride.

Grandma?
What's going on?

You're alive? And is
Grandma what I call you?

No. Dr. Perdue will suffice.

Now, how did you find me?

Your mother nor
father are that smart.

Our biology teacher, Gavin
Swendig had a staff list.

Norville rearranged the
letters of Dr. Dane Dupree,

which, honestly,

for somebody who's supposedly
brilliant, seems a little lazy.

Oh, I had Rhonda do it.
Shame on me, right?

But Gavin is one
of those dead men.

Why is he looking for
me? Tell me about it.

We're not telling you
anything until you explain

how you've secretly
been alive for 30 years!

Norville, I understand
your frustration.

But telling anyone
was too risky.

The military is still after
me for hiding my journals

and abandoning Project SCOOBI.

And god help us if
they ever found this!

That's why there's no
eating on the floor, Rhonda.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You think I can
talk the mob down?

I mean, I could try, but I
usually just incite them.

I know, but Merle
listened to you earlier.

And mobs just want easy answers
in a scary, complex world.

Believing in the supernatural
allows you to connect with them.

On a, uh, a simpler
level I can't.

Okay, Well, I'll still do it.

But only because I need
you to do something for me.

Or rather, us.

I need you to get me your mom's
ring size without her knowing.

William is proposing?

They've only been
dating for two weeks.

The only question he needs to be
popping is "Are your tubes tied?"

I know, but I've never
seen Father so happy.

So do this for me or
that witch will burn.

I can't tell what's sadder.

That Diya's getting
married before me,

or that all of these
are gold-plated.

Oh, Diya getting
married before you.

All right, Fred, you have my mom's
ring size. Now we have to go.

My relationship with Daphne
is already on the rocks.

And if the mob burns Amber, Daphne
might think it's somehow my fault.

Now, what we do
here is unorthodox.

So please reserve all
judgment until the end.

-Oh,
God! You're a monster.

Coconut seltzer?

Sorry, wrong door.

And some people like
the taste of sunscreen.

- What? Who
do these brains belong to?

The brave. The curious.

And, of course,
the rich and bored.

- That lady brought her cat.

See, while at Project SCOOBI I
made an incredible discovery.

When I placed hardened
soldiers' brains in jars

they discovered
their true selves,

unsullied by outside influences.

After the procedure, now,
knowing who they were,

they all left the military.

One became a teacher, two got
married, and one walked on his hands

because I put his brain
back in upside down.

I have since perfected
the technology, and now

anyone can have their brain
removed to find their true self.

- Rhonda, I told you to get a mat.
- Sorry!

Hold on. You faked your death

and abandoned your family to
create a day spa for brains?

Norville, helping people figure out who
they really are is revolutionary work.

Exactly! And I
couldn't contact you

and risk the
military finding me.

It takes rigorous screening
before I let anyone in here.

I haven't even reached out to those
poor girls Victoria Jones put in jars,

even though I'm
sure they're dying.

What? The
Brains are dying?

Mom, you have to convince
them I'm not evil!

Read them one of my poems!

- Which one? "Love Unites"?
- Aw!

Or "I'll do anything to stay a young
witch forever parentheses mwah-ha-ha."

Mom!

Oh, no! We're too
late! What do we do?

Nothing if you
want to stay alive!

But Amber didn't do this.

The only thing they're guilty of
is thinking they could replace me

as the driving force
in Daphne's life.

Yeah, I know that, Velma.
I've always known that.

I've just been using this
to help my sheriff campaign.

I didn't think they'd
actually try to burn them.

But now anyone who tries
to talk sense to the mob

will be burned with a witch!

You know, the thin crust
actually has fewer carbs

than this gross
cauliflower crust.

No! Cauliflower
must be healthier!

Wait, you're right. As Americans,
we'd rather destroy anyone

who points out our delusions
than admit we might be wrong.

Amber's gonna burn.

Not on my
watch, they aren't!

Untie that witch!

Never mind! As you were!

William, what were you thinking?

That witch can't die!

Diya found out I was
gonna propose and said no.

So now I need Amber to
cast a love spell on her.

Damn it, Velma! I knew
you'd ruin the secret.

Just when you think the
day can't get worse.

It wasn't Velma.

I figured it out because
Aman posted this.

TFW You're not paying
alimony anymore? #freedom

#never making that
mistake again? Aman!

All right!

- Ugh!
- Yeah! Get him, Sophie!

If Aman hadn't posted that, I'd be
proposing on my yacht right now.

Diya's only way home would
be to say yes or swim.

Wait. And if I hadn't
posted that picture of Amber

and the dead coroners,
the mob wouldn't be here.

Holy crap, I think I
know how to save Amber!

Even more guns? Wondered
when you'd get there.

No. The only thing Americans hate
more than being told they're wrong,

is learning they've
been lied to.

If the mob is
looking for blood...

Then we just gotta give
them some red meat!

Concerned people
of Crystal Cove!

All this is because
you saw a post!

So I ask, is the problem
witches or elites

using big tech to manipulate
your feeling on witches?

Are you pawns? Or are you men?

And women whose motives I can't
totally wrap my head around.

- Exactly!

Then let this witch go and turn your anger
to the force that bewitched your minds,

- Social media!
- Velma!

Fie! A pox on you all!

Help! Mom get Dad,
he's a lawyer!

Maybe the threat of a lawsuit
will get them to release me.

You said you didn't
want to get married.

I remember because that's the
moment I fell in love with you.

That was before we had a child!

And even though Diya was missing,
you were still married to her.

But now you're not.

And I've worked hard to turn
our den of sin into a home,

hoping we could
make it official.

Wait. That's why you
redid the garden?

I just thought you were bored
like every other gardener.

It's a metaphor.

I want to grow
something together.

How am I supposed to figure
that out from flowers?

- Hmm.
- Aman! What are you doing?

Butt out! And don't
stand in my flowers!

- Or do. I don't care anymore!
- Ugh.

Velma! What can I do
that doesn't involve

- me confronting anyone who might hurt me?
- Oh, Fred.

Maybe you and your dad can
just pay them to leave.

Like when a CEO
messes up real bad.

What? I didn't hear you!

I'm telling you to shut down the
will of the people with money.

It's every rich person's dream.

Dad, are you
getting any of that?

Uh-uh. It's just like the
squeak of a balloon deflating.

Velma, that won't work!

I've been around William enough to
learn that rich people can't hear you

when you tell them how
to spend their money!

It has to be their idea. Watch!

William, look, I
really like you,

- but it's too soon to get married.
- I agree.

But if you're not locked
down, you can just leave.

That gives you too much power.

My friends at the
club will laugh.

But a real relationship isn't about
power, and locking people down.

It's about caring and respect.

Wow. You are truly the most
remarkable woman I've ever known.

I would do anything for you.

Then please, pay these
people to leave Velma alone.

I'm sorry. Did
you say something?

Mom! They lit the fire!

Hey, no one roasts
my daughter but me!

Now, why'd you go and do that?

Help!

The Brains can't die!

They were about to start
internships as buoys in the marina.

- How do we save them?
- Well, it's fairly simple.

I just need to change the solution
in their jars as soon as possible.

Wait, that's it?
Great! Let's go!

Ow, I thought you were
asking hypothetically.

See, that's how I would save
them if I could leave the asylum.

But I can't. No one
outside of this place

can know I'm alive or the
military might find me.

Argh!

[grunts and yells
in frustration]

I've had it with you, Grandma!

It's bad enough you think your work
is more important than your family,

but you also think it's more
important than saving lives?

- Yes! Perfectly summarized.
- Hold on.

What if you went to
the Brains in my body?

This is all my fault, Mom.

I'm worse at social media than a
fast food company during Pride month.

You can't win. Being bad at social
media makes people insecure,

and so does being good at it.

At least that's what I tell
myself when someone unfollows me.

No, wait, Mom,
that's the answer.

Fear and insecurity
created the mob,

which means it can destroy it.

All I have to do is exploit
the biggest insecurity of all.

Or should I say, smallest.

I'm gonna post some altered photos of
Sheriff Cogburn, Mr. S, and the coroners.

Just prey the "bulge" setting on
Olive's butt enlarging app works.

And post!

- Velma, you're brilliant!
- What did you post?

- Do you not follow me?
- No, I, uh, do. I just, my, uh, my battery died.

Velma, is this post true?

That all the victims
were better endowed

than a public
broadcasting service?

Yes. Sorry, we didn't
mention that earlier.

The killer is only targeting
men with huge dongs.

So if you don't
have a huge dong,

stay here as long as you want.

You're fine. Everyone will just
know you have a small dong.

Yeah, I see. Huh.

Yeah. Well, the rest of you
fellas are probably safe.

But I should head inside.

I have to go feed mine
so it don't attack me.

All this rampaging and having
a big penis hurts my back.

You did it, Velma!

You used social media to
actually do a good thing.

Huh. Maybe I'm finally
starting to figure it out.

In fact, I've heard
selfies perform better

when you take your glasses off.

You're suggesting my grandma
do a reverse Get Out?

That movie is a modern classic,

I don't think Jordan Peele
needs our take on it.

But it's the only way to save
Lola and the rest of the Brains.

Not to mention being
a brain in a jar

sounds like it's exactly what
I need to figure out who I am.

She should use my body instead.

My granny, my choice.

And for that reason,
I say, "Hell, naw."

Because you couldn't live
with yourself if something bad

happened to your
flesh and blood?

How dare you? The
procedure is foolproof.

I just don't want to touch your
penis when I have to pee. It's weird.

But then again, putting my brain
in the body of a young Asian woman,

could raise some
thorny questions.

Agreed. So let's stay off social
media and handle it respectfully.

And go save those Brains!

- Help us!

Or at least toss out a
s'more so I can die happy!

- Oh, no!
- It's Arizona all over again.

- Dad, you saved us!
- No, this wasn't about you.

I was putting out the fire before
the heat wilted Sophie's flowers.

- You were?
- Yes. I know I'm not perfect.

But I always protect
what's important to me.

Aw!

Amber, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have jumped
to any conclusions.

Or posted that picture.

Or bought 50,000
followers to repost it.

It's honestly not okay, but
according to my rune stones,

- you'll get what's coming to you soon enough.
- Huh?

The good news is that we'll be
able to focus all of our attention

on catching the
actual serial killer

- as soon as we're elected co-sheriffs tomorrow.

I mean, this is gonna sound insane, but
voters are actually responding negatively

to the fact that Merle
tried to burn women alive.

Well, if that doesn't merit a
post, I don't know what does.

What?

What do you mean
you liked, then unliked Velma's post?

Oh, God,
I just did it again.

I told you
to stay off social media.

So teens, my point is,
Jesus only had 12 followers

and he still went viral.

Lord of Light.

No, fuck me. It was dark.