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1
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- Previously on Velma...
2
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:03,378
What I did was wrong.
3
00:00:03,461 --> 00:00:05,147
I'm just so desperate to
stop my hallucinations.
4
00:00:05,171 --> 00:00:07,590
Then you leave me no choice
but to help you cure them.
5
00:00:07,632 --> 00:00:11,720
And you should hope I still wanna jump
your bones once you're damage free.
6
00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:13,513
So, someone
is now killing men
7
00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:16,140
associated with
Dr. Perdue's journals
8
00:00:16,224 --> 00:00:17,642
and removing their dongs.
9
00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:19,978
Have you heard of manifesting?
10
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,312
As tolerant as I've become,
11
00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:24,107
I still find that
stuff a little silly.
12
00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:25,589
- Vincent?
13
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,194
- Ahh!
14
00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:31,489
- Oh, God!
- Velma!
15
00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:37,328
There are many things I
feel strongly about. Our planet.
16
00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:38,997
No more fracking for oil.
17
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,349
- Or saying fracking...
18
00:00:40,373 --> 00:00:42,292
- as a double entendre!
19
00:00:42,334 --> 00:00:44,669
Adult women
who wear pigtails.
20
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:47,213
- You're too fracking old!
21
00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:49,007
But my whole life,
22
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,092
- nothing...
23
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,571
- ...has made me angrier than rich people.
24
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:55,472
- Damn it.
- Because they have money,
25
00:00:55,513 --> 00:00:57,349
they think they can
get away with anything.
26
00:00:57,390 --> 00:01:00,393
Museums should be named after
robber barons, not murderers.
27
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:01,811
Change this name!
28
00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:04,022
Because,
annoyingly, they can.
29
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,085
So, there is no amount
of money that would make me okay
30
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:10,403
with William Jones
dating my mom.
31
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:13,698
Well, then, how about I
date your mom and open bar?
32
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,450
No way.
33
00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:18,179
Unlike a recorded message from any
failed '90s celeb, I can't be bought.
34
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:20,038
What? No one ever says no to me.
35
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,624
- Velma, you left your inhaler in my van.
36
00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:24,876
Oh, God! Dad! No!
37
00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:26,795
I mean, yes.
38
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:29,357
I can't say no to you 'cause of
your money, but I'm still upset!
39
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,568
Now, I'm sure
you're both wondering
40
00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:38,598
how William and I became lovers.
41
00:01:38,682 --> 00:01:41,893
It began with an interview for
my memoir, and we just connected.
42
00:01:41,976 --> 00:01:44,729
We connected so hard, I
hurt my back.
43
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,106
- Ahh!
44
00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:48,358
- Uh, but the point is...
45
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:52,237
Diya's the one person I found who I
can talk to honestly about Victoria.
46
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,239
You can talk honestly
to me about Mom.
47
00:01:54,322 --> 00:01:57,075
Just don't criticize her,
because I will lash out.
48
00:01:57,158 --> 00:02:00,412
Okay. You had your fun. Now,
let's never mention it again,
49
00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:02,580
unless a baby with a
bow tie and a monocle
50
00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,207
pops out in nine months. Good?
51
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:06,668
No, Velma. We like each other.
52
00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:08,336
But you fear not.
53
00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:11,589
I promise to win you over with a
fun weekend at the Jones estate.
54
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,758
The only thing more
impressive than the house
55
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,219
is the number of people
who died building it.
56
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:19,347
Fat chance. The only way I'm
ever going back to your house
57
00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:21,349
is with a mob of
revolting peasants.
58
00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,313
Plus, the science fair's
Monday and you promised
59
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,103
to help me with my
project this weekend.
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00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:28,314
Science fair? That's
Mardi Gras for smart kids.
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00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:29,899
And you're the baby
in the king cake.
62
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:32,485
How is this the first
I'm hearing of it, Velma?
63
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,195
Because as rich people say
64
00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:36,173
when they're asked to pay
taxes, "I ain't doing it."
65
00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:38,116
And Frederick, I
promised to help
66
00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:42,162
if you stopped claiming your mother
was possessed by an evil ghost.
67
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,351
I guess I should hire
someone to go talk to him.
68
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,628
Good idea. I need to have a
little chat with Velma, as well.
69
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:51,796
About what?
70
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,482
How much my therapy
is gonna set you back?
71
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,186
- No!
72
00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:57,135
- No!
73
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:59,971
- Run the diagnostic, Lola. I'm hallucinating.
74
00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:01,056
- Ahh!
75
00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:03,141
Got it.
76
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,976
My grandma's research worked.
77
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:07,660
You can see exactly where the
hallucination happened in my noodle.
78
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:10,315
Hey, I can use
that word, not you.
79
00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:12,233
Sorry. I just got excited.
80
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:14,503
With this data, I might be able
to neutralize my hallucinations.
81
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:17,947
And we'd totally win the
science fair. Which is great,
82
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:21,076
'cause volleyball is sure not
getting me into college anymore.
83
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:25,246
Norville, I told you. You don't need
all science to stop your hallucinations.
84
00:03:25,329 --> 00:03:28,958
Just trust that the marijuana
I'm giving you will cure them.
85
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,086
It has zero side effects.
86
00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:33,004
Now, why am I in here again?
87
00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:36,049
I assume you want to test my pee
to ensure the weed's working.
88
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:41,680
Positive! We'll test again at the science
fair on Monday, so just keep smoking.
89
00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:45,266
Zero side...
...effects.
90
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,313
Wait. Norville "I hate
drugs" Rogers has been getting high?
91
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:52,357
Without me? WTF?
92
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,527
What? No, I've just always
done what my dad says.
93
00:03:55,567 --> 00:03:57,779
So, it's easier to buy
dirty pee from a friend
94
00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,502
and pass his test,
than have a big fight.
95
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,282
Which reminds me,
that was my last cup.
96
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:04,077
- Evelyn, I need a re-up.
97
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,621
What? You're on trial for
a hit and run in Miami?
98
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:08,123
But I can't wait two weeks.
99
00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:11,376
My dad is testing me on Monday.
100
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:13,920
Velma, the deal is you
can only solve mysteries
101
00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:16,839
if you maintain your grades
and extracurriculars.
102
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,966
No, Mom. The deal
is you don't date
103
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,720
wealthy slimeballs whose
ex-wives kidnapped you.
104
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,681
- We never made that deal.
- We shouldn't have to.
105
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:27,058
You know I hate the
rich. I'd be a Communist,
106
00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:30,020
if I didn't want to kill my lazy
teammates on every group project.
107
00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:32,897
Fine. Then let me propose a
deal we can both agree on.
108
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:35,734
If you win the science fair,
I'll stop seeing William.
109
00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:38,028
The science fair
is a waste of time.
110
00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,238
I'm trying to find
another serial killer,
111
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,575
not a more efficient way to process
ammonia and increase global crop yield.
112
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:44,909
- Wait.
- See?
113
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,591
- You love science, you genius.
114
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:48,079
And it's something
to fall back on,
115
00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:50,040
- if mystery solving doesn't work out.
- Fine.
116
00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:52,417
If I win the science
fair, you dump William
117
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,586
and promise no more
dating rich guys.
118
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:57,005
Unless the actor,
Steven Yeun, is rich.
119
00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:01,134
Have you ever needed to
push up your glasses,
120
00:05:01,217 --> 00:05:02,969
scratch your nose or swat a fly,
121
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,156
but you're in the middle of a
complex chemistry experiment?
122
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:06,598
Well, the future is now.
123
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,725
- Handso, push up glasses.
124
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,435
- Ow! Damn it! Ugh.
125
00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:12,330
- Now how am I
gonna win the science fair?
126
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,106
Ooh, how about, "Can curly
fries be made straight again?"
127
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,734
I know it's not your intent,
but that sounds homophobic.
128
00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:20,862
Maybe I can help. A lot of
cool inventions come from moms
129
00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:23,031
who see a need for something.
130
00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:25,954
Like, you know, those social media
videos of dogs who talk with buttons?
131
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:29,162
I only follow Gloria
Steinem and Noam Chomsky.
132
00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:30,663
So, yes, it's all they post.
133
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:33,625
Well, Gigi's mom, Susan,
invented one for babies
134
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,794
called a Baby Babble Box.
135
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,271
- Nap.
136
00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,005
Hungry.
137
00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:40,608
Election. Stolen. Witch hunt.
138
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,801
Oh! She's a genius.
139
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:44,969
See, my dad's already
dating a nightmare.
140
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:47,305
If I don't make a prizewinning
project by tomorrow,
141
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,387
I'm gonna end up with someone
even worse in my life.
142
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,810
You're welcome to join the
project I'm doing with Amber.
143
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:53,978
Amber? What does Amber
know about science?
144
00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,106
They think bird flu was
caused by an eclipse.
145
00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:59,067
I know, but my moms are
making us be partners.
146
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,027
They want us to use
our science project
147
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,571
to help solve the Mr. S
and Cogburn cases.
148
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:05,365
Oh, my God, yes! I am so in.
149
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,659
By manifesting some clues,
150
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:11,204
the way we manifested
our Creaky Friday win.
151
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:13,331
Our project is manifesting.
152
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,750
Oh. Hm. While that sounds great,
153
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:19,379
I don't know if manifesting
is science-y enough to win.
154
00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,006
That's where you're wrong.
155
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,508
Since Mr. S died, there's
a new science fair judge
156
00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:25,051
who's way less science-y.
157
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,678
Wait, who?
158
00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:27,679
- Ahh!
- Norville.
159
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:28,972
How could you not tell me
160
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,516
your dad is judging
the science fair?
161
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:32,851
- Hm?
- Oh, right.
162
00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:34,686
That's what I wanted
to tell you earlier.
163
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,813
I'm even getting
paid. Which is good,
164
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,791
because the pot I've been
buying you is not cheap.
165
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,860
Wait, Dad, you're judging
the science fair for money?
166
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,278
Are we okay?
167
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,964
You're not borrowing money
from the Mafia again, are you?
168
00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:46,841
Norville, the only thing
you need to worry about
169
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,908
is curing your
hallucinations with pot
170
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,618
the way your loving
father tells you to.
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00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:52,078
The sooner the better.
172
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,248
Hm.
173
00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:57,171
With your dad as the
judge, you're sure to win.
174
00:06:57,207 --> 00:06:58,460
Well, normally, yes.
175
00:06:58,543 --> 00:06:59,854
But if I can't find
some dirty pee,
176
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,588
he'll know I'm defying
him and freak out.
177
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:03,065
I once got detention
for telling him.
178
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,924
B.F. Skinner wasn't my
favorite psychologist.
179
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,927
Damn. But wait. Not to sound
like an East German swim coach,
180
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:10,638
but if I get you some pee
to pass his drug test,
181
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,307
you're guaranteed to win, right?
182
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:13,725
I mean, without a doubt.
183
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:15,685
But are you seriously
gonna get high for me?
184
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:18,647
Every year you complain that 4/20
distracts from Jessica Lange's birthday.
185
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:20,607
I can't. The one
time I got high,
186
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,484
I was convinced a dog
was talking to me.
187
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:25,236
But if I figure it out, can I
join your science fair project?
188
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,907
Uh, does a multipolar neuron
have two or more dendrites?
189
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:30,658
You bet your ass it does.
190
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,162
Huh? Oh. God! Handso! No!
191
00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:37,892
I don't have time to spend
the weekend at your boyfriend's.
192
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,626
I need to figure out how to,
193
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:41,252
uh, win the science fair.
194
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,630
Driver, take me to the
nearest music festival.
195
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,066
Wait, these waters
are free, right?
196
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,717
Yes, and we're not going
to a music festival.
197
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:50,261
But I knew you'd get
excited about science again.
198
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,596
Soon you'll be like...
199
00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:54,641
I can't think of a
famous woman scientist.
200
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,726
And now I'm just picturing
Einstein with boobs.
201
00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:59,354
But I still expect you to
try and enjoy this weekend.
202
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:01,398
Enjoy a rich man
using his wealth
203
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:03,817
to distract us from the
atrocities of his family?
204
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,027
Pass... me that caviar.
205
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,405
It'll just go to
waste otherwise.
206
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:11,574
Guys, getting pierced
was such a good science fair idea.
207
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,451
Was such a good
science fair idea.
208
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,454
Was such a good, good science
fair idea...
209
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,790
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, look where we are.
210
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,917
It's Daphne's new
friend's store.
211
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,460
They must have
put a spell on us.
212
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,045
- What new friend?
213
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:26,589
Who do I know that can
balance popularity and a job?
214
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:28,299
Oh! Ah! Daphne!
215
00:08:28,383 --> 00:08:29,968
Uh, hey, Amber.
216
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,970
Oh, this is your
mom's place?
217
00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:33,933
I knew you two were opening
an occult bookstore,
218
00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:36,015
but this is nuttier
than cheap trail mix.
219
00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:39,102
Nutty? Wicca is just
like any other religion,
220
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:41,980
except less hating gays and more
nude frolicking in the moonlight.
221
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,691
Uh, we only frolic
nude in the sunlight.
222
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,526
This is weird. Come on, Daph.
223
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:55,368
You know what? I'll catch
up with you girls later.
224
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,996
We have to work on our totally
normal science fair project.
225
00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,582
Amber! Daphne, come quick!
The frogs are spawning!
226
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:03,335
Manifest abundance
before the crone flies.
227
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:08,840
- Oh!
228
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,842
- Velma!
229
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,010
Welcome.
230
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,678
I took the liberty
of having the staff
231
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,638
- prepare pink lemonade.
232
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,932
Seriously? Pink
lemonade is my favorite.
233
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:20,393
And it costs 13 cents more
than regular lemonade.
234
00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:23,438
But just FYI, I still think
all rich people are evil.
235
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:26,274
Which is why I've taken
a note from the numerous musicals
236
00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:29,527
depicting a plucky but
downwardly mobile young woman
237
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,237
visiting a rich man's home,
238
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,156
and had the staff
prepare a musical number
239
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:35,158
- to make you feel welcome.
- Wait, what?
240
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:39,371
♪ You are poor So
you will like this ♪
241
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:43,583
♪ Some joy in your Grubby
little life, Miss ♪
242
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:48,755
♪ Let us treat you Like
a prince... Princess ♪
243
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,465
What the hell is going on?
244
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:54,177
It's like a big type of
Act Two musical number.
245
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:57,097
♪ You can lead A
life of leisure ♪
246
00:09:57,180 --> 00:10:00,225
♪ Wash in a bath Of
ancient treasure! ♪
247
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,894
♪ Here's a robot That
thinks you're clever ♪
248
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,437
- Not interested.
249
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,064
What? No. Never.
250
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,857
♪ Your own Swedish masseuse ♪
251
00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:09,168
- Tell that Swede to go vamoose.
252
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,443
- Hate walking?
253
00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,862
♪ Take your railway ♪
254
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:16,408
- But what would the 99% say?
255
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:21,621
♪ Would a breakfast
buffet Be so awful ♪
256
00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:24,082
Even Karl Marx couldn't
resist a waffle.
257
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,805
- Don't listen to them.
258
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:29,087
Father's a traitor, and
this is a house of lies.
259
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:32,924
♪ Mother just died
Have you no remorse? ♪
260
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,593
♪ Son, I can't copulate
With a corpse ♪
261
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:38,763
♪ And now you're trying
To buy Velma's love ♪
262
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,098
Fred's right!
263
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,100
But how much money are
we speaking of? Ahh!
264
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:45,311
♪ Shall we take this
All away, then, Velma? ♪
265
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,231
♪ And pray college tuitions
Don't overwhelm ya ♪
266
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:50,275
♪ You're poor! You're
poor! You're poor! ♪
267
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,027
- Oh, who am I kidding?
- ♪ You're poor ♪
268
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,653
- ♪ You're poor ♪
- ♪ I am poor ♪
269
00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:57,449
- ♪ And I love... ♪
- ♪ Love... ♪
270
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,784
♪ This ♪
271
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:05,123
Take me to that money bath.
272
00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:08,960
- Hm.
273
00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:11,755
Fred, can I come in?
274
00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:14,215
It's just me, your
dad's new girlfriend.
275
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:15,467
Nothing weird. Oh!
276
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,219
I know. And I'm not mad
about you dating my dad.
277
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,096
Monogamy is for
the middle class.
278
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,432
I'm mad because my
father's punishing me
279
00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:23,933
for thinking my mom's innocent.
280
00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:26,644
Well, sometimes parents
have to be tough on kids
281
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:27,979
because they care about them
282
00:11:28,063 --> 00:11:29,623
and don't want to be
embarrassed publicly
283
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:30,607
by their dumb choices.
284
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,275
You wanna hear about caring?
285
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:34,295
Every year Mother helped me
with my science fair project.
286
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,529
She loved hiring the
scientists to do all the work
287
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,783
- and then stiffing them if I didn't win.
288
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:41,493
I miss her so much.
289
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,371
Fred, I'm sorry, but as a way
to get to know each other,
290
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,623
- maybe I could help you with your project.
- Hm.
291
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,667
And what do I have
to do in return?
292
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,002
Teach you how to fit
into polite society?
293
00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:54,089
- Nothing. Just pick a project.
- Actually...
294
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,674
Mother never even
let me do that.
295
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,009
And I have always wondered
where toast comes from.
296
00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:00,261
My hypothesis is the kitchen.
297
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,014
Well, that sounds
like a good start.
298
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,067
Lola! I did it!
299
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,527
You figured out the right amount
300
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,320
of Chinese food to
order for two people?
301
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:20,073
No. The scientific community
has given up on that.
302
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,450
I calculated exactly how
much electricity I need
303
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,494
to shock the neurons,
causing my hallucinations.
304
00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:26,913
If it works, my dad will
assume it was the pot
305
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,641
and I won't have to pass
any more drug tests.
306
00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:32,043
Okay, but to be safe,
before shocking your brain,
307
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,712
maybe try it on
something else first.
308
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:37,257
I'm confident in my equations.
But hey, if you insist.
309
00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:43,680
Hm.
310
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:47,726
- Velma, if we want to win,
311
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,561
I'm gonna need that tainted pee.
312
00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:52,164
I'm on it, because even though
I've come to appreciate vast wealth
313
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,068
and no longer wanna break
up my mom and William,
314
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:56,985
- I'm still a good and honorable person.
315
00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:58,737
Eat this and then
pee in a cup for me.
316
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,030
- Pull.
317
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,453
♪ I know I got it ♪
318
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,163
- ♪ You can never take ♪
- ♪ Never ♪
319
00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:09,724
- ♪ There's only one ♪
320
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,458
- ♪ Ain't no duplicates ♪
321
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:13,084
- ♪ I'm here to stay ♪
- ♪Yeah ♪
322
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:14,753
- ♪ The crown is here to lay ♪
- Ah!
323
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,272
♪ If you wanna see it
bad Let me demonstrate ♪
324
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,839
♪ There's levels to the game ♪
325
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:19,591
♪ I see you haven't changed ♪
326
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:22,135
♪ I had to elevate I could
never stay the same ♪
327
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:23,887
♪ I'm going to the top ♪
328
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,930
♪ You can try And follow
too ♪ -
329
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,992
♪ Not too many people That can
walk in these shoes ♪ - Whoa!
330
00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:31,269
♪ Hard work and discipline
Got me where I am today ♪
331
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,980
♪ Focus is the key That
will never go away ♪
332
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,400
- ♪ Get on my, get on my ♪
333
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:40,779
♪ Get on my level Yeah ♪
334
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:43,114
Where's Velma?
335
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,325
Norville? Test time.
336
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:46,951
One second.
337
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,411
My dad is going to test me.
338
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,173
If Velma doesn't show
up with the dirty pee,
339
00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:51,599
I'll just have to try
the shock treatment.
340
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:53,463
At least the last potato
almost didn't explode.
341
00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:56,211
- Norville, you can't risk it.
342
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,129
Just smoke weed already.
343
00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:00,632
TBH, this jar is
half bong water.
344
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,718
- Hey, Norville.
- Velma, my number one buddy.
345
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,470
And by number one, I mean urine.
346
00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:08,598
Velma's here. Yes, I refer to
myself in the third person now.
347
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,809
So, do you have the pee or not?
348
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,811
Yes! Oh! I'm saved. Uh...
349
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,646
Why does this have a price tag?
350
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,981
And why is it $9.99?
351
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,067
Oh, wait.
This is too funny.
352
00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:21,152
You know what this is?
This is a juice shot,
353
00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,488
my fabulous wellness
doctor has put me on.
354
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,532
Oh, okay, but where's
the dirty pee?
355
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,283
Papa needs that liquid gold.
356
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:29,095
Sorry. One of the cleaning
people must have thrown it out.
357
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:32,038
But don't worry. It's okay if
you fail the test and we lose.
358
00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:33,415
I want my mom to date William.
359
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,792
It's not okay! My
dad will freak out!
360
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:38,514
And I didn't plan on having our
inevitable "I'm not you, Dad" fight,
361
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,755
until I got my Carl Jung
poster back from the framers.
362
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,257
Norville, listen to Velma.
363
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,884
As someone who now lives a
life of zero consequences,
364
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:48,847
believe me when I say this, too much
stress is terrible for your skin.
365
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,598
But still, I'll make this right.
366
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:52,851
What?
367
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,437
- Ahh! What? No!
368
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,357
And so, in conclusion,
while we can now
369
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,943
say with confidence
where toast comes from
370
00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:05,673
where it came from before
the advent of the toaster,
371
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:08,450
remains one of science's
greatest mysteries.
372
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:09,743
Great job, Fred.
373
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:13,038
You even managed to say
"focaccia" inoffensively.
374
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:19,085
Wait, why do I feel
all warm and safe?
375
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,254
Because that's what
hugs feel like?
376
00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:24,382
No! Mother said hugs drained
children of their resilience.
377
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:27,260
That's why she selflessly
refused to ever give me one.
378
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:30,597
Okay. Well, since you're
so good at science now,
379
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,891
do you wanna test
out that hypothesis?
380
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,267
I guess.
381
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,394
I mean, I'm always happy
to prove Mother right.
382
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:42,025
Mm. Little
Freddie feel cozy.
383
00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:45,028
No! These feelings
are wrong. Stop!
384
00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:46,988
- Fred, I'm sorry.
- I hate this.
385
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:47,906
Stop hugging me!
386
00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:49,574
I'm trying.
387
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,748
Hm?
388
00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:59,125
Our science fair
project was testing
389
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,002
the power of positive
reinforcement.
390
00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:02,837
So we spoke different
words to rats
391
00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,589
and then measured
their maize feed.
392
00:16:04,673 --> 00:16:07,550
The rat called Smart did way
better than the one called Sexy.
393
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:10,804
But the best was
mine. Hot Bitch.
394
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,222
Oh, wonderful!
395
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:16,101
Okay, so what's this
project, you Hot Bitches?
396
00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:19,354
It's about focusing
on what you want.
397
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,606
Like my moms need
clues in their Mr. S
398
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,942
and Sheriff Cogburn
murder investigation.
399
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:28,405
So we wrote, "Find the killer" on a piece
of paper, sealed it in this envelope
400
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:31,700
and spent 10 minutes each day
visualizing his discovery.
401
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:36,913
That is the dumbest project here,
and I just ate Fred's project.
402
00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:40,625
I'm so sorry your moms
made you work with Amber.
403
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,253
Wait. They made
you work with me?
404
00:16:43,294 --> 00:16:45,296
The crows in my
dream were right.
405
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,756
I knew better than
to doubt them.
406
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:48,800
No, Olive's wrong.
407
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:53,138
I wanted to work with you, but I was too
embarrassed to admit it to my friends,
408
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:55,807
which is crazy, because
you're so interesting,
409
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,393
- and I think our project's amazing.
410
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,729
I agree. Every day I envision
411
00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:04,148
I'm such a perfect father that
Norville will never feel the need
412
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:06,192
to think for himself
and push me away.
413
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,986
- Mr. Rogers! Come quick.
414
00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:09,820
Norville cured his
hallucinations.
415
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,031
As Daddy knew he would.
416
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:14,826
See? That's the area
that caused the hallucinations.
417
00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:18,079
It used to be all lit up,
and now there's nothing.
418
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:22,666
Norville, you did it.
See? The pot worked.
419
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:24,419
I'm so happy.
420
00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:27,172
There's literally nothing I
wouldn't do for you right now.
421
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,215
I'd love to win
the science fair.
422
00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:32,218
Okay, so about that...
423
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,725
Don't wanna invest in that.
424
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,852
Maybe. Oh, hello!
425
00:17:40,935 --> 00:17:43,146
- Hello, science fair participants.
- Huh?
426
00:17:43,188 --> 00:17:44,898
So many amazing projects.
427
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,567
Almost all of them went
right over my head.
428
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:49,527
- Regardless,
429
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:52,405
the winner of this year's
blue ribbon is Velma Dinkley.
430
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:53,406
- What?
431
00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,408
- What?
- What? How?
432
00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:58,828
I didn't enter. Though rich me does
still feel pretty deserving of it.
433
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:01,206
Velma, in conjunction
with her partner,
434
00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:02,457
Neil deGrasse Tyson
435
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,000
and with generous funding
436
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,419
from the Fred D. And
William T. Jones Foundation,
437
00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:09,381
proved aliens are
more likely to exist
438
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:10,882
- than to not exist.
439
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:13,718
- It's fixed.
- Burn the rich!
440
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,679
You're welcome, Velma.
441
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,515
What? You bought the
science fair for me?
442
00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:21,393
But I didn't want to win.
And now everyone hates me.
443
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:24,646
Velma, being hated is a
huge part of being rich.
444
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:27,440
It's right up there with
calling waiters "garcon"
445
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:30,652
and hiring lookalikes
to confuse crowds.
446
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,737
Remember, you get
paid by the bruise.
447
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:35,073
- There they are. Get 'em!
448
00:18:35,156 --> 00:18:36,574
Well, I'm not rich.
449
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,578
So, if people are gonna
hate me, I wanna earn it.
450
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:41,079
Like Scrooge or a
bad boy of tennis.
451
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:42,914
I get that.
452
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:45,709
It's just such a shame you'll
never get rich solving mysteries.
453
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:48,128
Yeah, but only because my
mom will probably force me
454
00:18:48,211 --> 00:18:51,256
to do something boring with my
life, like cure heart disease.
455
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:54,592
Actually, Velma, if solving
mysteries is what you wanna do,
456
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,344
then go all in.
457
00:18:56,428 --> 00:18:58,906
Parents don't always know what's
best for their kids, right, William?
458
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:00,223
Speak for yourself.
459
00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:01,725
I handled Fred perfectly.
460
00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,518
Why, this is the
first weekend in ages
461
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:06,896
I haven't heard any nonsense
about ghosts or Victoria.
462
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:09,482
What?
463
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,609
This means so much to me,
and... and my partner,
464
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,737
- Vermoose Drunkie. Oh!
465
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:16,007
- Everyone! I understand you're upset.
466
00:19:16,031 --> 00:19:18,867
But I will not accept this as
I did not work on this project.
467
00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:21,536
Worse, I bailed on the team
I was supposed to work with
468
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:25,081
because I didn't know money would
make me forget about my friends.
469
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:27,834
Even though I was warned
by, like, every movie.
470
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:30,337
Regardless, the blue ribbon
should go to Norville.
471
00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,422
His project is
obviously the best.
472
00:19:32,464 --> 00:19:35,133
Thank you, Velma, but I
don't deserve it, either.
473
00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:38,094
I just copied work my
grandmother did in the '70s.
474
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,306
The only project here
475
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:42,867
that looks like it didn't have an
adult actually doing all the work
476
00:19:42,891 --> 00:19:44,142
is Fred's toast thing.
477
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:46,311
- Give the award to him.
- Seriously?
478
00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:47,979
I said, get off me!
479
00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:50,916
- Thank you, Norville.
480
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:52,650
It says a lot when
you get more support
481
00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:54,587
from the grandson of the
woman who ruined your life
482
00:19:54,611 --> 00:19:56,321
than your own father.
483
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,908
Hey, we don't have enough
context to fully understand that.
484
00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:03,078
It's okay, because I do.
485
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:04,954
Uh, Fred, look, I'm...
486
00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:08,208
I'm sorry I refused to work on
your science fair project with you.
487
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,460
I thought you needed
a reality check.
488
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:11,836
But maybe what you really need
489
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,546
is a father who's
willing to listen,
490
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:16,966
even if what you're
saying is bat shit crazy.
491
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,677
Really?
492
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,821
That was mostly the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.
493
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,514
Yes.
494
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,767
So, would you like to use our upper
limbs to briefly cling together?
495
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:29,979
Oh, I suppose just
this one time.
496
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,197
Hey, Hot Bitch is missing!
497
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,867
You freaks better not have taken
her for some messed up potion.
498
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,577
I was gonna feed
her to my snake.
499
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:47,122
Call them a freak again, and
I'll feed you to my fist.
500
00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:49,457
Daphne, Daphne. Don't let
them get under your skin.
501
00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:52,961
Most people dislike magic. That's
why all magicians are virgins.
502
00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:57,924
I know. It's just I wanted us to find
a clue and prove manifesting works.
503
00:20:58,008 --> 00:21:00,677
Maybe even win Gigi
and Olive over.
504
00:21:00,719 --> 00:21:01,720
But it did work.
505
00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:03,930
Look what else was
in the envelope.
506
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:07,976
Whoa.
507
00:21:08,059 --> 00:21:10,145
It works on people, too?
508
00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:12,897
'Cause I'm real tired of acting
nice to make people like me.
509
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:15,442
Okay.
Well, in that case,
510
00:21:15,525 --> 00:21:19,029
would you like to learn
some real witchcraft?
511
00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:22,657
Norville, is Daphne
reading a spell book with interest?
512
00:21:22,741 --> 00:21:24,534
And be warned, your
answer will dictate
513
00:21:24,576 --> 00:21:26,453
how hard I squeeze your
arm in frustration.
514
00:21:26,536 --> 00:21:29,748
Hm. Hard to say, as I
100% don't give a shit.
515
00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,166
- Huh?
- Norville.
516
00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:33,293
How did you get these journals?
517
00:21:33,376 --> 00:21:35,086
Uh, how do you think?
518
00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:37,839
I dressed up as a ghost and stole
them from the police station.
519
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:39,299
- What?
520
00:21:39,382 --> 00:21:41,610
Yeah. Sometimes I do bad things
that you don't know about.
521
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:45,263
For instance, I bought tainted pee
to pass your stupid drug tests.
522
00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:48,975
Oh, no! In neutralizing
his hallucinations,
523
00:21:49,059 --> 00:21:51,644
Norville accidentally
removed all his empathy.
524
00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:54,105
He's now functioning
with zero compassion.
525
00:21:54,189 --> 00:21:56,900
This is why you listen to
me. Science has side effects.
526
00:21:56,941 --> 00:21:57,942
Pot has none.
527
00:21:57,984 --> 00:21:59,778
Now look me in my painfully dry,
528
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,446
bloodshot eyes and apologize.
529
00:22:01,488 --> 00:22:03,615
No, because I think
for myself now.
530
00:22:03,698 --> 00:22:06,242
And I think smoking
weed makes you a loser.
531
00:22:06,284 --> 00:22:07,994
- Ooh!
- Oh!
532
00:22:08,078 --> 00:22:10,830
Norville, that's just the
science talking. Take it back.
533
00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,707
Or what, loser?
534
00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,250
Ooh!
535
00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:16,127
Or you'll get detention.
536
00:22:16,169 --> 00:22:17,921
Ooh!
537
00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:22,801
And you can all join him
for saying "ooh" to my son.
538
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,470
- Saturday, 7:00 am sharp.
539
00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:27,681
Welcome to hell!
540
00:22:27,764 --> 00:22:30,141
Wait. What were we
just talking about?42220
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