Original subtitles

Yo, dude! What up?

Just follow my lead.

Oh... This is awesome.

Just a little surf shack, where I keep my board, beer and brother.

How are they breaking today, broheim?

How are what breaking?

Dude smokes way too much weed.

The waves, Poindexter!

Oh, the waves, the uh... the waves are...

early?

Alright! Let's hit it!

Oh, I intend to.

Why don't you head out, I'll throw on my suit and meet you there.

Awesome!

Hmm, bodacious and tubular.

Uh, excuse me, moon doggie,

quick question.

Yeah?

You don't surf, do you?

Not a bit.

Well how did Gidget get the idea you are the big Kahuna?

I told her I hang ten, and I guess she misunderstood.

You're going to hell, you know?

I don't think so, I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs

as long as they lead to recreational sex.

You really want to drag God into this?

He gave me the penis, Alan.

Since when do you have a wetsuit?

Since I moved to the beach, and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks.

If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a pic-a-nic basket.

Would you get the door?

Oopsie...

Smooth. So... just out of curiosity,

how exactly do you plan to pull this off?

Simple...

Paddle out, yell "shark", and paddle in.

So you thought this through?

I'm not an idiot.

Oopsie.

Over here.

Careful.

What happened?

I don't know!

This tiny wave came at us, I let it go,

he screamed like a girl and fell off his board.

I had to give him mouth to mouth, he swallowed a lot of water.

He's gonna be okay?

I think so, he tried slipping me the tongue.

Charlie, can you hear me?

Sha...

What?

Shaa...

I think he's trying to say "shark".

Episode 4x03 "The Sea is a Harsh Mistress"

Want something to drink?

Oh, yeah...

What is this?

Water.

You're crazy? I almost drowned in that stuff!

Where is my little hard body?

He took off with that girl you brought home.

Other than that, your plan worked like a charm.

Fine, go ahead and mock me,

but I could have died out there.

Well, the Sea is a harsh mistress,

and...

you're a moron.

What? You said to mock you.

It's no joke, Alan.

Oh, come on! You try to scam your way into a surfbunny shorts,

and ended up french-kissing a handsome young life-guard.

How is that not a joke?

It's not a joke, because...

Something...

happened out there while I was drowning.

What? Did your entire, sordid, degenerate life flash before your eyes?

I wish...

No! No, no, it was...

ah, you're not gonna believe me.

Try me.

I saw Dad.

Oh baloney.

You know what? Just forget it.

Oh, come on! It was probably just a hallucination caused by, you know,

brain cells dying.

No, I'm used to that.

This, was no hallucination.

Dad was right there in the water with me.

Alright, for the sake of argument,

let's assume that you saw the spirit of our dead father, what did he do,

reach a hand out to guide you to the great beyond?

Don't be ridiculous...

He didn't have hands.

It was just his head, kinda... floating there, like...

the great powerful Oz.

Or one of the Pep Boys.

Manny, Moe or Jack?

Manny.

And he spoke to me...

Oh! You were able to hear him, under water? How weird.

Oh that's the part that bumps you?

I'm just saying that you were able to hear him

because you were imagining him, it was in your head.

No, oh no...

In a million years, my mind could not have made up what he said to me.

What did he say?

Something that made my blood run cold.

What?

Never mind, I probably heard him wrong.

-Charlie! -Please don't make me say it!

Come on Charlie, I am your brother. Whatever it was,

we'll deal with it together.

He said:

"Take care of your mother."

Well good luck with that.

Hey.

Hey.

Dad said you almost drowned today.

Yep...

Are you okay now?

I'm fine.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

It's about what happens when you die.

OK.

Who gets your car?

Go away.

You're right, it's not a good time to ask.

So...

what 'you doing?

Thinking about Dad.

Yeah...

About that,

I was wondering,

when you saw him,

assuming you saw him...

Did he...

ask about me?

No.

He just said: "Take care of your mother".

Huh...

Didn't... didn't mention me at all?

No...

Typical.

Oh here we go.

I'm just saying, the guy doesn't get in touch for 30 years,

it wouldn't kill him to throw in a quick "Hello Alan!"

Dead or alive, that's just rude.

I'll tell you what...

Why don't you go fill up the tub,

I'll hold your head under the water until the bubbles stop,

and then you can tell him how offended you are.

Oh no, I have nothing to say to him now.

How does he expect me to take care of her?

I don't know, why don't you try treating her like a human being?

Nah, that can't be it.

What if I put her in an assisted living facility?

That's ridiculous, she's a healthy woman.

I'm not saying she wouldn't put up a fight...

But hey, crumble up a few Xanax in her mermosa,

and we could probably coax her into a cave full of bats.

I don't think that's what Dad meant.

How do you know?

Did he talk to you? No! He talked to me.

Sure, rub my nose in it.

How about this...

When was the last time you called her, just to see how she was doing?

Uh...

What's today, Sunday?

Then... never.

Why don't you start with that?

OK, fine.

Remember her number?

I've got it on speed dial...

666.

Cute, uh?

Hey Mom, it's Charlie.

Nothing's the matter, I just called to see how you're doing.

No, I'm not drunk, I was just thinking about you and thought I'd call.

I swear to God, I'm not drunk!

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers! Are you happy?

So, what's going on? I haven't talked to you in a while...

Well, I'm talking to you now!

OK, OK, OK.

OK, excuse me?

OK, OK, OK...

So...

Everything OK?

I'm taking her to lunch tomorrow.

Voluntarily?

Wow, you must have really had a spiritual experience out there...

Let's face it Alan. When Dad was alive,

I was a rotten son.

Oh, you sure were, you were horrible.

-Boy, I remember the time... -The point is...

Maybe I've got a chance to make up for it now.

He wants me to take care of mom, then... that's what we're gonna do.

Well, that's... Wait a minute, did you say "we"?

-I'm not going. -Fine.

Next time I see our father's floating head, I'm gonna tell him you refused to help.

I'm gonna tell him, I'm gonna tell him... God, you're such a child...

-So you're coming? -Yeah...

I can't tell you what a treat it is to have lunch with my two favorite sons!

You have others?

It's an expression, Charlie...

Although I do sponsor a little boy in Africa.

-No kidding? -Oh yes, little Mabutu!

He's in a middle of a civil war, and I still hear from him more than you.

Hey Alan, tell mom what that little rascal Jake's been up to.

He hasn't been up to anything.

OK... So...

I think I'll go to the bathroom.

Why?

What do you mean "why"? I have to go.

When was the last time you had a prostate exam?

It feels like I'm having one now.

I'm just expressing concern for your health, you don't have to get snippy.

I'm not being snippy.

Is it just me or is he snippy?

Try living with him.

Charming.

Alright, what's going on?

What makes you think something's going on?

When one of my sons calls me for no reason and agrees to take me to lunch,

something heinous is going on.

Hey, I took you to lunch two weeks ago for no reason other than I love you.

Oh yes, the tacky little chain restaurant in the valley,

That fish shot out of me like there was a fire drill.

The point is, I love you.

The point is, I lost 4 pounds in 2 days.

Well, you do look thinner.

It's too late for flattery darling, now what is going on with your brother?

I don't think he'd be very happy with me if I told you.

Sweetheart, you're not his favorite person now...

OK.

Here's the thing...

Charlie almost drowned yesterday.

Oh, dear Lord, I told him over and over again.

2 drinks max in the hot tub.

No, he was surfing.

-In the hot tub? -In the ocean.

Start again.

He was trying to impress some girl...

Oh, OK.

Like the time he broke his nose playing taboo.

Exactly.

Anyway... He was convinced he was near death, and...

that he saw dad.

He saw your father?

Wow...

How did he look?

He was just kind of a floating head.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I remember him.

Fairly useless from the neck down.

Anyway...

Dad told Charlie to take care of you.

Really?

Anything else?

No that's it, just for him to take care of you.

It's like I might as well not even exist.

Oh Alan, you can't take that personally. First of all, Charlie was a planned baby.

What was I?

Well dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.

I had a nice solid stream of urine, thank you very much.

What?

-My prostate is fine. -What kind of table talk is that?

You're the one that brought it up!

It doesn't matter who brought it up, I don't want to hear about it while I'm eating!

You know what, this lunch was a bad idea...

No, don't say that darling, it was a wonderful idea.

If I'm being ungracious, I apologize.

Alright, let's call it "ungracious".

Now we all know what we're thinking.

I guess... I'm just a little edgy because...

well...

Never mind.

What?

Forget it, my problems are my problems.

I don't expect you to...

take care of me.

Mom,

just for the sake of argument,

let's say that I wanted to take care of you, what's going on?

Nothing.

I'm just having a little minor surgery tomorrow.

What kind of surgery?

It's a woman thing...

Is there anything I can do?

Just keep me in your prayers.

No, no, no...

I will drive you there, and then take you back to my place so you can recuperate.

Oh sweetheart, that's very generous, but I don't want to be a burden.

Mom please...

That ship has sailed.

Well then, I accept.

Thank you.

Who buys condoms at a gas station!

Watch your step here...

Thank you darling.

What happened to your mouth?

I just had a little procedure.

What kind of procedure?

They sucked some fat out of her ass, and shot it into her lips.

What did they do, use the whole ass?

They're just a little swollen, in 2 days they'll be plump,

luscious and ready for action.

What boy doesn't like hearing that from his mother?

Charlie, I need to sit down.

I got you covered.

I thought you said it was a woman thing?

You know any guys dumb enough to do this?

Good Lord!

What did you do, fellate a bee hive?

Fellate?

I read, I can conjugate.

Man the last time I saw a mouth like that, it was "tourné Jacques Cousteau."

There you go, Mom.

-Nice bite size pieces. -Thank you, darling.

Dad says you got your butt in your lips.

Just eat your dinner.

Hang on...

So, if you burp now, it'd really be a fart, right?

Eat.

Charlie, my donut's too soft.

So Jake, has your mother succeeded in turning you against me yet?

Mom...

What... You don't think she talks?

You don't think he listens? Trust me Alan,

even the mind of a dull child can be forced in by a malicious parent.

Can we just please change the subject?

Although I must say,

I prefer your mother to that post-pubescent knucklehead your father replaced her with.

OK, OK, that's it.

What, I changed the subject!

Come on Jake, we're going to the movies.

On a school night?

Why not, you're flunking anyway.

Wait, wait, you're just leaving me?

You're taking care of Mom, remember?

That's not fair.

You got a complaint? Take it to the floating head.

So how is work?

Fine.

Are you seeing anybody special?

Nope.

Charlie, did you ever stop to think

that our relationship is strained because you won't let me, you won't share.

You know why I won't share with you, Mom?

Because anything I say will be used against me.

Oh please...

I have to go to the bathroom, maybe I have a prostate problem.

I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol.

I'm seeing someone new, you ask if I'm paying her by the hour, or per schtup!

Charlie, when I say those things, it's because I want to help you.

You're my son, I want you to be the best you can be.

I appreciate that, but you can stop worrying,

I'm doing fine. I am the best I can be.

Oh darling, that just breaks my heart.

Why would he do this to me?

Take care of your mother...

Not like she ever took care of him.

She nagged him, humiliated him, emasculated him.

Maybe the reason he died so young is because he wanted to.

Charlie! My donut's soft again!

Be right there!

Why?

Why do you want me to take care of her?

Charlie!

I'm coming!

Come on, talk to me! Give me a sign!

* Marry that cute girl down the beach. *

Rose...

* Yes, that's her name. *

You know what,

you can tell me in person,

because I am this close to sticking my tongue in a light socket.

* Why don't you stick your tongue in my mouth instead? *

* I mean, Rose's mouth. *

What are you watching?

Some old gangster movie.

Any good?

Not really.

It just gives me a warm feeling

to know that all those young, beautiful actors are now dead.

"Dana knows too much."

"You want I should take care of her, boss?"

"Yeah, take care of her."

"But make it look like an accident."

"Don't worry about a thing."

"I'll take care of her."

Sorry.

I misunderstood.

What's that, dear?

Nothing.

Hi.

Hello.

I don't know if you remember me,

but I'm the one who pulled you out of the ocean the other day.

Oh, right! Right, right...

Thanks!

It's OK, it's my job.

Well, I'm-I'm... glad you did it!

Anyway, I was just checking in on you, see how you're doing.

I'm doing fine.

Good...

So...

you want to walk down to the pier?

Maybe grab a cup of coffee...

Gee, I don't know...

Charlie, it's time to change my butt dressing.

Eh, what the hell, let's go.