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1
00:00:00,923 --> 00:00:02,322
I'm asking you to marry me.
2
00:00:02,491 --> 00:00:04,823
We might as well just go to vegas
and elope.
3
00:00:04,994 --> 00:00:07,827
If we have a family, we'll need to turn
the second bedroom into a nursery.
4
00:00:07,997 --> 00:00:09,931
But that's... That's where Jake stays.
5
00:00:10,099 --> 00:00:12,932
But once Alan moves out,
Jake won't be staying there anymore.
6
00:00:13,102 --> 00:00:14,433
Alars moving out?
7
00:00:14,603 --> 00:00:17,504
Of course he is. Isn't he?
8
00:00:17,673 --> 00:00:19,504
I said, the wedding's off.
9
00:00:19,675 --> 00:00:22,007
- Can I borrow your wedding ring?
- What for?
10
00:00:22,311 --> 00:00:26,543
Oh, I thought as long as we're in vegas,
I'd marry Kandi. Ha.
11
00:00:26,915 --> 00:00:29,475
I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
12
00:00:29,652 --> 00:00:31,586
I don't freaking believe it.
13
00:00:31,754 --> 00:00:34,814
Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting
what you always wanted.
14
00:00:34,990 --> 00:00:36,355
I'm moving out of your house.
15
00:00:36,525 --> 00:00:39,722
I don't freaking believe it.
16
00:00:42,364 --> 00:00:44,457
Do we have time to play roulette
before we go?
17
00:00:44,633 --> 00:00:47,898
Oh, honey, that is a sucker's game.
The odds are totally stacked against you.
18
00:00:48,070 --> 00:00:50,197
Ooh, Super Slots o'Fun Jackpot.
19
00:00:52,975 --> 00:00:55,808
Sure. Make the smart bet.
20
00:00:56,378 --> 00:00:58,369
Here, honey, kiss it before I put it in.
21
00:00:58,547 --> 00:01:01,311
And the honeymoon begins.
22
00:01:01,717 --> 00:01:05,619
Slots of fun, you get it? It's s-lots of fun.
23
00:01:06,655 --> 00:01:08,282
I'm ready for a refill.
24
00:01:14,329 --> 00:01:15,523
Is that good?
25
00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:21,129
I won. Ha-ha-ha!
26
00:01:21,770 --> 00:01:24,568
I won a half a million dollars.
27
00:01:26,909 --> 00:01:29,207
I don't freaking believe it.
28
00:01:29,978 --> 00:01:32,105
- Alan, you're rich.
- No, we're rich.
29
00:01:32,281 --> 00:01:34,374
We're married now,
what's mine is yours.
30
00:01:35,417 --> 00:01:37,146
Really?
31
00:01:37,319 --> 00:01:39,310
And the honeymoon ends.
32
00:01:58,226 --> 00:02:01,593
Uh, excuse me.
Do you know where Charlie is?
33
00:02:01,763 --> 00:02:03,560
Who's Charlie?
34
00:02:09,871 --> 00:02:11,270
Charlie, you in here?
35
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,069
Hey, Alan.
36
00:02:14,242 --> 00:02:15,641
Long time no see.
37
00:02:15,810 --> 00:02:18,210
- Say hello to my brother, Alan.
- Hi, Alan.
38
00:02:18,380 --> 00:02:20,473
- Hi, Alan.
- Hi, Alan.
39
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:22,944
Um...
40
00:02:23,118 --> 00:02:26,952
- I'm interrupting.
- Gee, you think?
41
00:02:28,423 --> 00:02:30,823
All right, listen,
I... I really need to talk to you.
42
00:02:30,992 --> 00:02:32,289
Can you come downstairs?
43
00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:34,453
Sure, give me...
44
00:02:35,930 --> 00:02:38,296
...an hour and a half.
- An hour and a half?
45
00:02:38,566 --> 00:02:41,660
I know it's a little rushed
but we're on a tight schedule here.
46
00:02:41,836 --> 00:02:44,896
Tina's got homework,
Cindy's gotta meet her fianc� and Marie...
47
00:02:45,073 --> 00:02:47,064
Well, Marie's on the clock.
48
00:02:47,242 --> 00:02:50,234
You had two women in bed
and felt the need to call a professional?
49
00:02:50,912 --> 00:02:52,903
Better safe than sorry.
50
00:02:53,515 --> 00:02:55,779
I see.
Well, I guess I'll just wait downstairs.
51
00:02:55,950 --> 00:02:59,977
Good call.
Because, you know, five's a crowd.
52
00:03:02,290 --> 00:03:05,555
Okay, does everybody remember
their assignment?
53
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,558
- Yeah.
- Think so.
54
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,856
Then let's do this thing.
55
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:23,977
Hour and a half, on the dot.
56
00:03:25,146 --> 00:03:26,613
Can I plan or what?
57
00:03:28,316 --> 00:03:31,479
Hey, come on, show a little class.
58
00:03:34,889 --> 00:03:37,016
So how's the newlywed?
59
00:03:37,192 --> 00:03:39,353
- Still living the dream?
- Well...
60
00:03:39,527 --> 00:03:43,122
I gotta tell you, things haven't been
the same around here since you left.
61
00:03:43,298 --> 00:03:46,358
- That's nice but...
- Yeah, they've been way better.
62
00:03:46,701 --> 00:03:49,169
I mean, look around.
I don't even know these people.
63
00:03:52,073 --> 00:03:54,701
And I can have sex
in every room in the house now.
64
00:03:54,876 --> 00:03:58,676
I had forgotten how much fun you can have
on top of a washing machine. You know:
65
00:04:01,182 --> 00:04:03,241
- That does sound fun...
- And the best part is:
66
00:04:03,418 --> 00:04:06,012
Without Jake here,
Mom has no reason to visit.
67
00:04:06,187 --> 00:04:08,985
Heck, I may not have to see her again
until we meet in hell.
68
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:12,320
- I'm happy for you.
- Come to think of it, without Jake...
69
00:04:12,494 --> 00:04:14,257
...there's no reason for you to visit.
70
00:04:14,696 --> 00:04:16,391
- I'm your brother.
- Yeah, so?
71
00:04:16,564 --> 00:04:18,259
I'm your brother, I don't visit you.
72
00:04:18,433 --> 00:04:20,025
Charlie, listen to me.
73
00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:21,429
My wife threw me out.
74
00:04:22,203 --> 00:04:24,671
Oh, dude. That's awful.
75
00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:26,238
Yeah.
76
00:04:27,842 --> 00:04:30,174
Well, thanks for stopping by.
77
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,379
Arert you listening?
Kandi doesn't love me anymore.
78
00:04:33,548 --> 00:04:34,708
My marriage is over.
79
00:04:34,883 --> 00:04:36,248
My life is in ruins.
80
00:04:37,418 --> 00:04:38,442
Whoa.
81
00:04:39,053 --> 00:04:41,715
- What?
- D�j� vu.
82
00:04:43,424 --> 00:04:46,951
It's as if I've lived through this before
and didn't really enjoy it.
83
00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:50,297
- Charlie, I... I...
- But wait, there's a difference.
84
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:53,225
You can get your own place
instead of sponging off me...
85
00:04:53,401 --> 00:04:55,494
...because you have money now, right?
86
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:58,400
- Uh, well...
- oh, you suck.
87
00:04:58,573 --> 00:05:01,838
It wasrt my fault.
There were taxes and the condo...
88
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:04,945
...and... And Kandi's new car
and Kandi's new clothes.
89
00:05:05,113 --> 00:05:08,082
And... And the shoes...
oh, God, so many shoes.
90
00:05:08,449 --> 00:05:09,780
How much do you have left?
91
00:05:15,089 --> 00:05:16,215
Eleven dollars.
92
00:05:16,658 --> 00:05:18,649
Okay, okay,
let's start from the beginning.
93
00:05:18,827 --> 00:05:21,921
- Things were fine until about a month ago...
- No, no, no.
94
00:05:22,096 --> 00:05:25,497
I'll go back upstairs, you knock on my door
and say you wanna talk to me.
95
00:05:25,667 --> 00:05:27,498
Only this time, I'll kill you.
96
00:05:28,636 --> 00:05:31,537
Oh, come on.
You're all I have left in this world.
97
00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,968
I need you, Charlie.
98
00:05:37,679 --> 00:05:39,909
Anybody here know a Charlie?
99
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,611
Oh, jeez.
100
00:05:48,790 --> 00:05:51,588
I'm working for Caligula.
101
00:05:56,764 --> 00:05:58,857
- Hi, Berta.
- Hey, Zippy.
102
00:05:59,033 --> 00:06:01,297
What are you doing here?
103
00:06:01,836 --> 00:06:04,498
My marriage is over.
Kandi kicked me out.
104
00:06:05,039 --> 00:06:06,700
Damn, that's horrible.
105
00:06:06,875 --> 00:06:08,137
Yeah.
106
00:06:08,509 --> 00:06:11,171
Damn, damn, damn.
107
00:06:11,346 --> 00:06:14,509
- Tell me about it.
- I had october in the pool.
108
00:06:18,052 --> 00:06:21,249
- Pool? What...? What pool?
- Me, your brother, your mom...
109
00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:25,722
...a couple of neighbors had a pool
on how long before she dumped your ass.
110
00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:27,484
I was so close.
111
00:06:27,662 --> 00:06:29,630
You were betting
my marriage would fail?
112
00:06:29,797 --> 00:06:32,789
No, we were betting on when.
113
00:06:34,302 --> 00:06:36,065
So Charlie took you back, huh?
114
00:06:36,237 --> 00:06:39,365
Well, not with open arms
or an open heart...
115
00:06:39,540 --> 00:06:41,098
...or even an open door.
116
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:44,143
After he pushed me out,
I had to climb in through the window.
117
00:06:45,914 --> 00:06:47,211
But, yeah, I'm back.
118
00:06:47,548 --> 00:06:48,879
Well, I'm glad.
119
00:06:49,817 --> 00:06:52,718
- You're kidding.
- No. With you and the kid around...
120
00:06:52,887 --> 00:06:55,651
...I won't have to hose down
the washing machine so often.
121
00:06:57,392 --> 00:06:58,723
I'll get that.
122
00:07:04,232 --> 00:07:07,497
I guess there's no trusting
this butter now.
123
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:11,503
Or the loose bananas.
124
00:07:16,177 --> 00:07:18,577
- Hello, Alan.
- Judith.
125
00:07:19,013 --> 00:07:20,037
Hey, Dad.
126
00:07:20,348 --> 00:07:21,679
Hey, buddy.
127
00:07:26,354 --> 00:07:29,346
So is somebody gonna explain to me
what the heck is going on?
128
00:07:31,225 --> 00:07:33,625
I thought he should hear it from you.
129
00:07:33,795 --> 00:07:35,194
Okay.
130
00:07:35,363 --> 00:07:39,299
Jake, listen,
I know you liked Kandi very much...
131
00:07:39,467 --> 00:07:43,028
...but she and I have decided
that we really can't stay married.
132
00:07:43,371 --> 00:07:44,429
Oh, man.
133
00:07:44,605 --> 00:07:48,939
- It doesn't mean that you can't be friends.
- No, I had December.
134
00:07:52,547 --> 00:07:57,109
Alan, I just wanna say I'm very sorry
things didn't work out for you and Kandi.
135
00:07:57,685 --> 00:07:59,050
Thanks.
136
00:08:00,588 --> 00:08:01,987
You won the pool, didn't you?
137
00:08:02,824 --> 00:08:04,348
Yeah.
138
00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:06,356
And just FYI, I spoke to my lawyer.
139
00:08:06,527 --> 00:08:08,995
Even if Kandi takes you
for everything you've got...
140
00:08:09,163 --> 00:08:11,597
...you still have to pay me alimony.
Here's his bill.
141
00:08:15,570 --> 00:08:17,902
Ha! Six hundred dollars?
142
00:08:18,072 --> 00:08:20,472
He explained it very slowly.
143
00:08:30,184 --> 00:08:32,345
- You didn't call.
- What?
144
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,887
When Dad moved out, you said you and me
could get together and do stuff.
145
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,649
But you never called.
146
00:08:38,326 --> 00:08:40,453
Ah, jeez, Jake, I'm sorry.
147
00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:42,320
I waited.
148
00:08:42,964 --> 00:08:44,022
I'll make it up to you.
149
00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:45,991
- When?
- Later.
150
00:08:50,371 --> 00:08:52,305
I'm still here.
151
00:08:53,541 --> 00:08:55,975
- What do you want me to do, Jake?
- I don't know.
152
00:08:56,144 --> 00:08:58,339
You really let me down
and it hurt my feelings.
153
00:08:58,613 --> 00:09:00,444
I know. I feel awful.
154
00:09:00,615 --> 00:09:02,549
Fifty bucks and it goes away.
155
00:09:03,985 --> 00:09:05,009
- Ten.
- Done.
156
00:09:06,654 --> 00:09:08,178
Love you, Uncle Charlie.
157
00:09:08,723 --> 00:09:10,588
Back at you.
158
00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:17,128
How long is he gonna sit out there?
159
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:19,501
I don't know, Jake.
He's pretty depressed.
160
00:09:19,841 --> 00:09:23,675
Yeah. Well, that's the price you pay
when you think with your penis.
161
00:09:24,846 --> 00:09:27,940
- Did you hear that from your mother?
- No, your mother.
162
00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:31,650
- And how are you feeling about all this?
- I'm okay.
163
00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:35,688
- Are you sure?
- Uncle Charlie, this is not my first divorce.
164
00:09:36,558 --> 00:09:37,650
Got it.
165
00:09:37,826 --> 00:09:40,590
I'll tell you one thing, though,
I am never getting married.
166
00:09:40,762 --> 00:09:42,525
That's a sweet dream to have, Jake.
167
00:09:43,632 --> 00:09:46,430
Sooner or later, you'll meet a girl
who's smart, beautiful...
168
00:09:46,601 --> 00:09:49,001
...and has a real grudge
against her parents.
169
00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:51,969
- What are you gonna do then?
- Don't worry, I have a plan.
170
00:09:52,140 --> 00:09:54,768
- Really?
- Yeah, if a girl falls in love with me...
171
00:09:54,943 --> 00:09:59,175
...I'll tell her I can't marry till I have enough
money, even though I'll be secretly rich.
172
00:09:59,881 --> 00:10:01,781
How do you plan to get secretly rich?
173
00:10:01,950 --> 00:10:04,475
I'm gonna marry a movie star.
174
00:10:06,021 --> 00:10:09,047
You're gonna marry a movie star
to avoid getting married?
175
00:10:10,425 --> 00:10:12,689
I guess I haven't worked out
all the bugs.
176
00:10:13,328 --> 00:10:16,161
Well, keep me posted.
177
00:10:21,069 --> 00:10:22,400
Hey.
178
00:10:22,571 --> 00:10:24,004
Hey.
179
00:10:25,707 --> 00:10:27,937
Jake sure changed
in the last few months.
180
00:10:28,110 --> 00:10:31,204
- I'm starting to see a real little man there.
- Mm-hm.
181
00:10:32,514 --> 00:10:34,880
Not a real bright little man.
182
00:10:36,118 --> 00:10:38,211
- So, what you doing?
- Making plans.
183
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,587
- Do they involve marrying a movie star?
- What?
184
00:10:41,757 --> 00:10:43,918
Nothing. Nothing. What's your plan?
185
00:10:44,092 --> 00:10:48,552
Well, I figured I'd have a nice big lunch,
get real drunk...
186
00:10:48,730 --> 00:10:52,393
...stroll down to the beach
and try to swim to Japan.
187
00:10:52,701 --> 00:10:54,032
Oh.
188
00:10:54,202 --> 00:10:55,226
Why the lunch?
189
00:10:55,604 --> 00:10:59,040
I wanna cramp up and drown
before the sharks rip me to shreds.
190
00:10:59,474 --> 00:11:02,068
Well, keep me posted.
191
00:11:03,044 --> 00:11:05,410
I'm a failure, Charlie.
192
00:11:05,914 --> 00:11:11,477
Everything I've tried to do in my life
has ended in complete, abject failure.
193
00:11:11,653 --> 00:11:13,678
Buddy, you're looking at this
the wrong way.
194
00:11:13,855 --> 00:11:17,416
See, I've failed again.
195
00:11:17,793 --> 00:11:19,852
Will you shut up and listen to me?
196
00:11:20,028 --> 00:11:22,019
Failure is nothing to be ashamed of.
197
00:11:22,197 --> 00:11:24,597
It's a part of life. It's how we learn.
198
00:11:24,766 --> 00:11:26,393
Well, you know what?
199
00:11:26,568 --> 00:11:28,934
I've failed for almost 40 years...
200
00:11:29,104 --> 00:11:30,765
...and what have I learned?
201
00:11:33,875 --> 00:11:36,400
Oh, that wasrt a rhetorical question?
202
00:11:37,646 --> 00:11:41,047
Come on, Alan, you gotta have
a sense of humor about this.
203
00:11:41,216 --> 00:11:45,084
A broke-ass, middle-aged guy
marries a 22-year-old knucklehead...
204
00:11:45,253 --> 00:11:47,778
...just before he wins
a half a million dollars?
205
00:11:47,956 --> 00:11:51,221
And then she takes him
for everything he's got? Heh.
206
00:11:51,393 --> 00:11:53,122
That's hilarious.
207
00:11:54,663 --> 00:11:57,689
Okay, okay.
Okay, maybe you're too close to it now...
208
00:11:57,866 --> 00:11:59,299
...but trust me, it's funny.
209
00:12:03,071 --> 00:12:04,766
Mm...
210
00:12:08,376 --> 00:12:09,741
Where are you going?
211
00:12:09,911 --> 00:12:12,072
The ocears that way.
212
00:12:20,989 --> 00:12:23,457
The kid and I are going to the movies,
you wanna come?
213
00:12:23,625 --> 00:12:24,785
No, thanks.
214
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,121
- Can I get you something to eat?
- No.
215
00:12:27,295 --> 00:12:29,263
- Something to drink?
- No.
216
00:12:29,431 --> 00:12:31,490
How about
a bottle of Scotch and a hooker?
217
00:12:32,734 --> 00:12:34,292
I just wanna be alone.
218
00:12:34,469 --> 00:12:36,562
Well, you don't need my help for that.
219
00:12:36,738 --> 00:12:38,330
That's your home run swing.
220
00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:40,702
Just close the door on the way out.
221
00:12:40,876 --> 00:12:44,209
Fine, I'll close it.
Then I'll nail it shut and plaster it over...
222
00:12:44,379 --> 00:12:48,338
...and hang a picture of something
a little more cheerful. Like a plane crash.
223
00:12:51,753 --> 00:12:53,345
Okay.
224
00:12:53,555 --> 00:12:56,149
I am through feeling sorry for myself.
225
00:12:59,661 --> 00:13:01,253
Maybe not.
226
00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:06,691
Alan?
227
00:13:06,868 --> 00:13:09,234
Oh, terrific.
228
00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:12,974
Charlie told me about you and Kandi.
I'm so sorry.
229
00:13:13,141 --> 00:13:14,870
Yeah, well, thanks.
230
00:13:15,043 --> 00:13:16,874
Did he also tell you I wanna be alone?
231
00:13:17,245 --> 00:13:18,940
Yes, he did.
232
00:13:19,114 --> 00:13:21,742
So want some company?
233
00:13:23,685 --> 00:13:25,653
- No.
- How about a hug?
234
00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:28,288
Is it a goodbye hug?
235
00:13:30,191 --> 00:13:33,888
Alan, I know what it's like
to lose at love.
236
00:13:34,629 --> 00:13:36,824
- Rose?
- Yes, baby?
237
00:13:37,499 --> 00:13:39,524
You're a stalker.
238
00:13:40,669 --> 00:13:43,194
We prefer to be called
boundary challenged.
239
00:13:45,740 --> 00:13:46,764
Just go away.
240
00:13:47,075 --> 00:13:48,542
Go away? Ha.
241
00:13:48,710 --> 00:13:50,541
Alan, I'm a stalker.
242
00:13:52,747 --> 00:13:55,511
Trust me, this pain will pass.
243
00:13:55,684 --> 00:13:58,209
The aching emptiness
that's swallowing up your heart...
244
00:13:58,386 --> 00:14:00,513
...will be transformed
into something beautiful.
245
00:14:00,989 --> 00:14:02,581
What's that?
246
00:14:05,193 --> 00:14:07,184
Resentment.
247
00:14:09,097 --> 00:14:11,793
A burning, white-hot resentment...
248
00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:16,165
...that empowers you to commit
unspeakable acts of revenge.
249
00:14:17,772 --> 00:14:20,070
You're gonna want a scrapbook.
250
00:14:27,148 --> 00:14:29,241
- Dad?
- Yeah?
251
00:14:29,417 --> 00:14:32,045
Uncle Charlie's gonna take me back
to Mom's now.
252
00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:34,620
Well, come in here and say goodbye.
253
00:14:36,057 --> 00:14:37,547
Bye.
254
00:14:37,959 --> 00:14:40,757
That's it?
Come here and give your old dad a hug.
255
00:14:47,902 --> 00:14:49,233
That's better.
256
00:14:50,605 --> 00:14:51,799
You still depressed?
257
00:14:51,973 --> 00:14:54,032
Oh, no, no. I'm fine.
258
00:14:54,542 --> 00:14:55,736
Just taking a little nap.
259
00:14:55,910 --> 00:14:58,174
You've been napping for two days.
260
00:14:58,346 --> 00:15:00,211
I'm getting old, Jake.
261
00:15:00,382 --> 00:15:02,782
Old people nap a lot.
262
00:15:03,218 --> 00:15:05,778
It's kind of a dry run for death.
263
00:15:06,121 --> 00:15:07,179
Okay.
264
00:15:07,355 --> 00:15:08,913
Well, see you.
265
00:15:09,090 --> 00:15:10,648
See you.
266
00:15:10,959 --> 00:15:13,086
- Hey, Dad?
- Yeah?
267
00:15:13,428 --> 00:15:16,591
Even though Mom stopped loving you
and Kandi stopped loving you...
268
00:15:16,765 --> 00:15:18,460
...you don't have to worry about me.
269
00:15:18,633 --> 00:15:19,657
Thanks, pal.
270
00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:21,859
You're my dad.
I pretty much gotta love you.
271
00:15:27,075 --> 00:15:31,171
So is he still curled up
like a cocktail shrimp?
272
00:15:31,713 --> 00:15:32,805
Yep.
273
00:15:33,148 --> 00:15:35,673
This was a real fun weekend.
274
00:15:36,184 --> 00:15:38,778
Wait in the car, Jake,
and I'll be right there.
275
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:42,417
Okay, I am running out of patience
with this guy.
276
00:15:42,590 --> 00:15:45,252
I've had relationships end
and I don't go crawling into bed over it.
277
00:15:46,628 --> 00:15:49,222
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you know what I mean.
278
00:15:49,631 --> 00:15:52,691
- It may not be just the relationship.
- What are you talking about?
279
00:15:53,034 --> 00:15:56,868
Charlie, I've studied psychology
for eight years and been a patient for 20.
280
00:15:58,973 --> 00:16:02,465
Your brother is exhibiting
all the classic signs of clinical depression.
281
00:16:02,877 --> 00:16:04,936
What, you think
he might try to hurt himself?
282
00:16:05,113 --> 00:16:07,172
The important question is,
do we stop him?
283
00:16:09,651 --> 00:16:12,211
Oh, like I'm the only one here
thinking that.
284
00:16:15,623 --> 00:16:17,591
All right,
I didn't wanna have to do this.
285
00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:19,659
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
286
00:16:19,828 --> 00:16:22,524
- What are you gonna do?
- Something I hoped I'd never have to.
287
00:16:22,697 --> 00:16:25,996
- You don't mean...
- I'm afraid so.
288
00:16:26,601 --> 00:16:27,659
Hello?
289
00:16:27,836 --> 00:16:29,394
Mom?
290
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:36,510
Oh, God, what plague
have you set upon me now?
291
00:16:36,811 --> 00:16:39,439
EvELYN:
Alan, it's Mommy.
292
00:16:41,883 --> 00:16:43,578
Good one.
293
00:16:45,553 --> 00:16:48,852
Oh, my poor darling.
294
00:16:49,824 --> 00:16:51,655
How are you holding up?
295
00:16:51,826 --> 00:16:53,259
How do you think?
296
00:16:53,428 --> 00:16:55,259
I blew another marriage.
297
00:16:55,430 --> 00:16:58,797
I wasted all my money.
I'm a complete and utter failure.
298
00:16:58,967 --> 00:17:02,698
Oh, sweetie, you just can't see
the big picture, can you?
299
00:17:02,871 --> 00:17:04,099
What big picture?
300
00:17:04,272 --> 00:17:08,800
Every foolish choice you've made,
every wasted opportunity...
301
00:17:09,144 --> 00:17:12,910
...every hapless misstep in your sad,
misbegotten life...
302
00:17:13,081 --> 00:17:14,241
I know, I know.
303
00:17:14,983 --> 00:17:17,281
It's an opportunity to learn and grow.
304
00:17:17,886 --> 00:17:22,414
Well, perhaps. But more importantly,
it's a reflection on me.
305
00:17:23,291 --> 00:17:25,452
Always good to see you, Mom.
306
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:28,786
- I'm not finished.
- Of course not.
307
00:17:29,264 --> 00:17:31,732
There is a silver lining
in this dark cloud.
308
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:34,733
I can't wait to hear about it.
309
00:17:36,237 --> 00:17:41,641
You're all alone, you're penniless
and you have no prospects.
310
00:17:41,976 --> 00:17:45,070
Are we at the silver-lining part yet?
311
00:17:45,246 --> 00:17:46,304
Yes.
312
00:17:46,481 --> 00:17:52,010
Short of contracting a flesh-eating disease,
things couldn't possibly get any worse.
313
00:17:53,421 --> 00:17:55,184
You've hit rock bottom.
314
00:17:55,356 --> 00:17:57,756
You have nowhere to go but up.
315
00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:00,950
You know what?
316
00:18:01,396 --> 00:18:02,920
You're right.
317
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:07,029
You're self-obsessed, insensitive
and soul-sucking, but you're right.
318
00:18:09,971 --> 00:18:12,701
I have stared into the abyss...
319
00:18:12,874 --> 00:18:14,671
...and I'm still here.
320
00:18:14,843 --> 00:18:18,870
L... I've had my heart shattered
and then shattered again...
321
00:18:19,047 --> 00:18:21,447
...and I'm still here.
322
00:18:21,649 --> 00:18:25,107
I've taken every piece of crap
that life could throw at me...
323
00:18:25,286 --> 00:18:26,378
...and I'm still here.
324
00:18:26,554 --> 00:18:29,853
Well, we don't have to turn this into
An Evening with Liza Minnelli.
325
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,490
Now, get washed, get dressed...
326
00:18:35,663 --> 00:18:38,131
...get on with your life.
- Okay.
327
00:18:38,299 --> 00:18:43,066
And remember, no matter what,
I'll always love you.
328
00:18:43,438 --> 00:18:46,373
- I know. Thanks.
- Oh, don't thank me, sweetheart.
329
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:50,041
I'm your mother, I have to love you.
330
00:18:58,850 --> 00:18:59,942
Hey.
331
00:19:01,085 --> 00:19:03,952
- Hey.
- Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
332
00:19:04,122 --> 00:19:05,487
No problem.
333
00:19:05,657 --> 00:19:07,249
Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
334
00:19:07,425 --> 00:19:08,949
No, no, you did the right thing.
335
00:19:09,127 --> 00:19:11,152
I needed a good slap in the face.
336
00:19:11,329 --> 00:19:14,821
Although with Mom,
it's more like a nail gun to the testicles.
337
00:19:17,802 --> 00:19:19,235
That was my thinking.
338
00:19:19,404 --> 00:19:22,237
Well, I'm really grateful.
339
00:19:22,407 --> 00:19:24,170
Don't mention it.
340
00:19:25,610 --> 00:19:26,975
So...
341
00:19:27,145 --> 00:19:28,544
...look at us, huh?
342
00:19:28,713 --> 00:19:31,147
Just like old times. Ha.
343
00:19:31,316 --> 00:19:32,681
Yep.
344
00:19:33,751 --> 00:19:36,584
The Harper brothers, together again.
345
00:19:36,988 --> 00:19:38,615
Uh-huh.
346
00:19:38,790 --> 00:19:42,920
The chicks will come and go but you and I
will always be there for each other.
347
00:19:43,494 --> 00:19:44,893
Sure.
348
00:19:46,230 --> 00:19:47,629
Forever.
349
00:19:51,035 --> 00:19:54,994
Not literally till the end of time
but, you know, till one of us dies.
350
00:19:57,175 --> 00:20:00,611
It will probably be you because you don't
take very good care of yourself.
351
00:20:02,246 --> 00:20:03,736
Gotcha.
352
00:20:06,184 --> 00:20:07,742
Fist me.
353
00:20:12,390 --> 00:20:14,017
You want me to fist you?
354
00:20:14,459 --> 00:20:17,394
You know, like the bros in the 'hood.
355
00:20:18,896 --> 00:20:22,195
We're the bros and this is our 'hood.
356
00:20:27,038 --> 00:20:29,097
Pow! Right on.
357
00:20:32,543 --> 00:20:35,011
Tell you what, I will grab us
a couple of brewskies...
358
00:20:35,179 --> 00:20:38,307
...so that Team Harper
can kick back and chill.
359
00:20:38,483 --> 00:20:40,144
- Terrific.
- Uh...
360
00:20:40,318 --> 00:20:42,980
Well, actually, I am more in the mood
for a chardonnay...
361
00:20:43,154 --> 00:20:44,849
...but I'll get you a beer.
362
00:20:45,056 --> 00:20:46,114
Okay.
363
00:20:46,290 --> 00:20:50,021
Oh, uh, maybe I'll make a nice little plate
of cheese and crackers.
364
00:20:50,194 --> 00:20:51,889
Nothing fancy.
365
00:20:52,296 --> 00:20:54,093
- Good.
- Ooh.
366
00:20:54,265 --> 00:20:55,857
Uh, I don't suppose you have any Brie.
367
00:20:58,302 --> 00:21:00,065
I don't know.
368
00:21:00,905 --> 00:21:04,568
Not important.
You relax, I got you covered. Pow!
27565
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