Original subtitles

[Static]

- Okay, I think we're doing better.

I think the combination of having Elvira here

and by giving out fact-based Halloween advice

means that we are nailing this holiday this year.

At least half of that's true.

[Laughter]

- But now, Darcy, we're moving into the ancient

druid part of Halloween,

and I'm going to be continuing my Samhain tutorial --

I know it's "Saa-wn" --

the Samhain tutorial by teaching

our hardcore audience all the authentic ways to party

like it's Northern Scotland 1,900 years ago.

We're going to party like it's 99.

- How exactly are we doing that.

- We're -- we're doing that by delving down

into the mystical meaning of the holiday.

- Is that why you're wearing a hoodie?

[Laughter]

It's not a hoodie.

It's a ceremonial druid robe,

and the color of the robe

indicates what class of druid I am,

and also all these symbols on the robe, and then the shoes.

Most druids never wore shoes, but these shoes are golden,

indicating that I am in the priestly class of druids.

- Are you kidding? - What?

- Those are the same shoes you wore during "Nosferatu."

- No, those were Beta Meyer shoes representing

the style of dress in Transylvania

between the Napoleonic wars and the revolutions of 1848.

Those were pimp shoes.

- These, on the other hand, are representations of shoes

worn by druid priests in the Celtic regions

of the Cairngorms in what is today called

the Highlands of Scotland.

- So, they also wore pimp shoes in the highlands of Scotland?

- They're not pimp shoes. [Laughter]

Anyway, I want to tell you my theory.

They are so pimp shoes.

- I want to tell you my theory about why Halloween

was a necessary part of the druid calendar.

- Does it actually have anything to do with the movie?

- Yes, the movie is "Popcorn," an neglected gem

from the early '90s.

- Yes, I agree, and I love "Popcorn,"

but "Popcorn" has nothing to do with the druid calendar.

- "Popcorn" is about vengeance and violence

and correcting the sins of the past.

So, it is about the druid calendar.

- I guess. - Alright.

- Halloween is like that day in "The Purge"

where all crime is legal so you can even the score

for all the things that piss you off.

- I don't actually think that's what it's about.

- Well, let me illustrate and you will agree with me.

- Like... - [Sighs]

- Alright, alright, name something

that's pissed you off recently.

- Does this get us to the movie any quicker?

Yes, it does.

Name something that pisses you off.

- Alright. There's a man on my flight

who turned on his overhead light.

And...

- And he's the only person with his light on.

- I don't get it. [Laughter]

- It was rude. I couldn't sleep.

- But he was probably reading. It's a reading light.

That's just selfish.

Selfish to read on the plane?

- I always read on a plane. - [Gasps]

- In fact, I always turn on that light.

- Oh, my God, You're one of those people.

One of those what people?

- You ignore everyone else's needs

because you need your own light.

- Darcy, this is a ridiculous example

of something that would piss you off.

Why does the airline put the light there

unless they expect you to use the light?

- It should be for emergencies only.

Emergencies?

What emergency requires a reading light?

- You don't need a -- - Like, if you drop your phone

between the seat cushions.

- What if you just want to read a book?

- Nobody reads a book. [Laughter]

- I read books all the time on planes.

- I cannot believe you're trying to justify this.

- Darcy, it's an individual light, it's just for you.

If you have a magazine or a book,

you can still read while the lights are off.

Nobody needs to do that.

I need to do that!

- Don't you have a Kindle, a phone?

- Yes, and sometimes I have a magazine or a journal

or hardcover book.

- So, it's all about you? - Well, yeah.

- It's all about needing to see the type on the book.

- No matter how many people around you

are annoyed by your light?

- Darcy, I think it's -- this is so --

I think it's a fairly narrowly directed light.

It just shines on your lap.

- You can see it everywhere. - Okay.

Look, we're can talk about reading lights later, okay?

- What does this have to do with Halloween anyway?

Well, we got off topic there,

but according to the ancient rituals of Samhain,

you would be able, on the night of October 31st,

to take vengeance on the, I guess, on the person

using his or her reading light on the plane.

- Good, then I'm going to take vengeance on you.

Well, it's not October 31st.

- I can wait. - Damn, Darcy.

I'm pretty sure that if we took

a vote of all the airline passengers in the world,

they would say it's okay to use your reading light.

- Nope. The only ones that would say that

are the ones who carry magazines around.

- Exactly. - Which means nobody but you.

I would...

Alright, I was trying to explain

the essence of ancient druidical

ceremonial spiritual practice on the night of the year

that we call Halloween and the Celts call Samhain,

which looks like Samhain, but --

- You were talking about the Celts?

Yes, and the Picts.

The Picks?

- Picts. P-I-C-T-S.

They -- they worshiped Epona.

Should we just watch the movie?

- Epona was the donkey goddess and --

- I don't think you've told us anything useful about Samhain.

- Donkey goddess? Hello? [Laughter]

- How many donkey goddesses are there?

One.

That is fascinating.

- Alright, which leads me to our movie tonight.

Oh, my God. Don't tease us.

[Laughter]

- We're going to settle this later,

but our movie tonight is "Popcorn,"

the sensitive story of a college film class

that decides to raise money for their projects

by taking over an old theater

and showing horror movies from the 1950s

and reviving the old gimmicks that William Castle used to do,

like putting buzzers on the seats

and fake electrocuting people.

The only problem is there's somebody in the theater

pulling a "Phantom of the Opera" type deal

because he's pissed off about something

that happened 15 years ago.

And so it's time to start shish kebabing

undergrads with a big finale reserved

for an earnest young student filmmaker named Maggie,

played by our second special guest of the evening,

- Jill Schoelen. - Yay!

- We talked about Jill recently when we showed "The Stepfather,"

and she is in the house at this very moment.

And anyway, the great thing about "Popcorn"

is these movies within the movie that are being shown

at the old theater on the Big Gimmick night,

some critics have suggested that the fake '50s movies

are better than the real '90s movie, and I might

- just agree with them. - [Gasps]

- One of the greatest horror flicks

filmed in Jamaica in the early '90s,

actually the only horror flick

filmed in Jamaica in the early '90s,

but a curio-- it's kind of a curiosity.

It was forgotten for many years

and then just recently rediscovered,

but let's look at those drive in totals and get started.

We have 11 dead bodies, 1 haunted theater,

1 life-mask vat,

sutured head, skeleton head,

1 POV knockout punch, blood vomit,

green goo vomit, electrical zombification,

exploding toilet, gooey French kiss with face disintegration,

giant mosquito stinger through the skull,

Air Force fighter-plane mosquito pursuit,

artificial mosquito tentacle through the chest,

mosquito incineration, mosquito impalement,

nightmare cam, fake eurohorror snuff film,

sacrificial knife to the heart,

audience zapping, brilliant "Police Academy 5" reference,

gratuitous -- gratuitous harmonica solo,

gratuitous Tony Roberts, gratuitous. Ray Walston,

gratuitous reggae band, kung fu, latex fu,

scimitar fu, marquee fu,

jumper cable fu.

Drive-in Academy Award nominations

for Jill Schoelen as the film girl

with a nightmare script for saying,

"I'm not getting any sleep,

but it's going to make a great film."

Derek Rydall as Mark, the hunky but clunky boyfriend,

Bruce Glover as the goofball electrified man,

Dee Wallace as the mom with a secret,

Tom Villard as Toby, the ultimate film nerd

with a flair for special effects makeup,

and Freddie Simpson as Tina the hottie,

who uses her body to get straight A's.

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

[Gasps] Only three stars?

This is "Popcorn," man.

- And, well, let's start with that.

Why is it called "Popcorn?"

The title doesn't tell you anything about the movie.

"Popcorn" is a great title.

- You're a person who hates on people who like to read,

so I don't know if you can --

- You can read on the phone, on a laptop,

- on a tablet. - Or a book!

- Lights inside a plane are supposed to be off at night.

- This is really something that you worry about?

- Yes, I will change your behavior

to make you be kind to more people.

- By never reading anything on a plane?

- By reading in the proper way in the dark.

Okay, now, that's crazy.

- Those are pimp shoes. [Laughter]

I'm trying to explain Samhain.

- Tell us about the pimps of Samhain.

♪♪

- There were no pimps in Pictish Scotland.

So, they just wore the shoes?

- You're really interfering with my attempts

to educate the public.

- Go right ahead, pimp daddy druid.

Yuki?

What are those shoes?

- Pimp shoes. - Exactly.

Now you're getting Yuki in it?

Damn right.

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

[Liquid dripping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Clock ticking]

♪♪

[Explosion]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Clock ticking]

[Groans]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

♪♪

Sarah!

Sarah!

Sarah!

♪♪

[Whispering] Sarah.

♪♪

♪♪

Sarah.

[Alarm clock ringing]

[Gasps]

[Ringing stops]

[Tape recorder clicks]

Same dream.

There's smoke.

Someone takes her hand.

She's running.

The same man comes towards her.

- Jay Prescott with some cool morning sounds,

and enjoy it while you can... [Telephone ringing]

because it's gonna be an unreasonably hot one later

- in the day in L. - A, going up to 95 in the Valley,

92 in the Basin and upper 70s in Santa Monica

- and the beaches. - Hello?

- And now, appropriately enough...

- Hello? - ...here's Yvonne Murray

with "Burning Up."

Hello?

Ms. Julius?

Sorry, wrong number.

- Remember who the ninth circle of Hell is reserved for.

[Line clicks, dial tone plays]

Hmm.

[Music playing on radio]

♪♪

- Morning! - Morning.

- So, what do you want for breakfast?

I don't have time.

I got an early class.

Close-up, um, his eye gleams like volcanic lava.

Sarah stands transfixed like a deer in a car's headlights.

Sarah?

Why did you name your character Sarah?

I don't know.

- More dreams, huh? - Yep.

I'm not getting any sleep,

but it's gonna make a great film.

I wonder if Orson Welles dreamt "Citizen Kane" first.

♪♪

♪♪

We're in a huge cathedral with gargoyles all over,

mixed with religious icons.

[Indistinct conversations]

Mm!

♪♪

- Mark! - Mm.

I want you, Maggie, right now.

Mark, I can't.

- Come on, let's go back to my place.

I'm-- I'm dying without you.

- Mark, this is the age of safe sex, and sex with you

on any level is not safe.

Come on, Maggie.

Why won't you give us a chance, huh?

I'm crazy about you,

but I'm not gonna let you shine me on forever.

- I'm not, I'm just concentrating on my script right now.

- [Clears throat] Yeah, right, the script.

- Come on, this is really important to me.

I just can't let anything distract me.

Okay.

Okay, I see.

I just hope I'm still around

when you decide to get distracted.

Give me a break.

Ugh.

[Blows raspberry]

It's cloudy and misty...

[Wheelchair whirring]

- Joannie, ah! - Bud!

- Hey, Bud, it's not a speedway, you know?

- Sorry. - Come on, people.

We got good news, we got bad news,

we got all kinds of news.

- Go ahead, Tina. - Okay, first,

we lost our editing space again.

Oh, no!

- You know, they stick us in the library, then the biology lab,

and now the music room.

- Yeah, how come it's always the film department

that gets shafted?

- What do you have to do to be taken seriously around here?

- You gotta learn how to kick ass, man.

- [Laughs] - Yeah!

Well, we are a novelty item.

Every new department has to make a splash to get on the map.

And that's the good news because Toby's come up

with a great idea.

- Go ahead, Tobe. - Yeah, Toby!

Here's our new idea.

We do an all-night horrorthon.

- Ugh. - No, this is a terrific idea.

An all-night horror show.

They're big grossers.

Hey, gang, I got a better idea.

Why don't we put on a play?

We'll convert the old barn into a theater, huh?

Please.

- Is there an inherited gene for obnoxiousness?

[Laughter]

Yeah.

- These are the future writers and directors

of the American cinema.

- It's the "Police Academy" syndrome.

Hey, hey!

There's more social relevance and character development

in "Police Academy 5"

than in all of Ingmar Bergman's cinematic smorgasbord.

- Bergman's fleshy ambiguities, as one critic said of him.

- I believe he did say that. - No, no, no.

Joannie, how would you know?

Your favorite film is "Escape from Witch Mountain."

- Shh! - Hey, hey, hey, fellas!

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

What makes you think people are gonna pay six bucks

to see some crappy old movie

they wouldn't even rent for 99 cents?

- Because you can't see "Mosquito" at home

in 3-D what's it -- what's it called?

- Project-o-Vision. - Right.

- Nor can you watch "The Stench" in authentic Odor-o-Scope.

- Aroma-Rama. - Oh.

- Noseguards given at the theatre.

- You could use those in lots of movies.

Right.

Or "The Amazing Electrified Man" in...

- Shock-o-Scope. - Wow.

- And that's why they're gonna pay 10 bucks.

- See, every one of these pictures was originally released

with some kind of a promotional gimmick.

- Yeah, which we're gonna recreate for our audience,

- only with improvements. - So, on the one hand,

it'll be a total goof.

- And on the other hand, we're gonna scare

the living shit out of them.

[Laughter]

So, how do you vote?

- Hmm... - Hmm...

- Oh, there might be enough money left over for some of you

to do your own little experimental film.

- Bingo! - I'm in.

Hmm.

Maggie?

We're voting.

Yep.

♪♪

[Horn honks]

♪♪

Welcome to the house of ushers.

Wow.

The old Dreamland theater.

It was a live theater for a long time

before they converted it to a cinema.

Toby, it's great.

Yeah, isn't it?

Kind of sad we're gonna be its swan song.

They're tearing this place down in three weeks.

- Three weeks? Are you crazy?

We can't get this festival ready in three weeks.

- Yes, you can because I am here to help you.

Malcolm Mnesyne at your disposal, so to speak.

Hi, Dr. M.

Hello, Tony.

I'm Toby.

- Yes, yes, of course you are, dear boy.

My cargo is outside,

and it will require all of you to bring it in.

I'll be waiting center stage where I belong.

- Thanks a lot for coming, Dr. M.

Who the hell is this guy?

Dr. M's Movie Memorabilia shop.

He's got everything we need for the festival.

- Now, what you see here are the priceless relics

of a bygone era of showmanship.

I refer not to myself, but to the contents of these crates,

which I have stored and lovingly tended

since my own youthful days

as manager of a movie palace very much like the Dreamland.

We had theaters in those days, not like these cine-, omni-,

multi-, whatchama-plex things today

with 29 screens the size of postage stamps.

And we had fun.

The ballyhoo, the giveaways,

the bullshit. [Laughter]

I could tell you stories.

The point is we put the butts in the seats where they belong,

and they loved it.

Now, what you guys got in your festival are turkeys

and not fresh turkeys either.

But here I am the master chef of showmanship to teach you

how to turn those withered turkeys

into a memorable moviegoing feast.

So, step right up and we'll all get started.

- ♪ Well, Saturday night at 8:00 ♪

♪ I know where I'm gonna go ♪

♪ I'm gonna pick my baby up ♪

♪ And take her to the picture show ♪

♪ Everybody in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Is dressing up to be there too ♪

♪ And we're gonna have a ball ♪

- ♪ Just like we always do ♪ - Hey!

- ♪ Saturday night at the movies ♪

♪ Who cares what picture you see ♪

♪ When you're hugging with your baby ♪

♪ In the last row of the balcony? ♪

♪ Ah, there's Technicolor and Cinemascope ♪

- ♪ A cast out of Hollywood ♪ - Shit!

- ♪ And the popcorn from the candy stand ♪

♪ Makes it all seem twice as good ♪

♪ There's always lots of pretty girls ♪

♪ With figures they don't try to hide ♪

[Heart beating]

♪ But they never can compare ♪

♪ With the girl by my side ♪

♪ Saturday night at the movies ♪

♪ Who cares what picture you see ♪

♪ When you're hugging with your baby ♪

♪ In the last row of the balcony? ♪

- ♪ Another Saturday night and everything is groovy ♪

♪ Me and my baby we're going to the movie ♪

♪ It don't matter if the show is very scary ♪

♪ We'll have a mai tai in the balcony ♪

♪ We buy the popcorn with plenty butter ♪

♪ And not a single word, any that we utter ♪

♪ We go inside and take a seat ♪ [Clock screeches]

♪ And start to share our body heat ♪

- ♪ Saturday night at the movies ♪

♪ Who cares what picture you see ♪

- [Screams] - [Laughs]

♪ When you're hugging with your baby ♪

♪ In the last row of the balcony? ♪

- [Screams] - [Laughs]

♪♪

Stop. Stop it!

- [Laughs] Son of a gun.

Alright, Leon, for the test, use the magnolia blossom.

No, no, use the ambrosia.

- Yeah, yeah, something nice, okay?

- Okay! What odor pellets do we got?

- Okay, we have fish smell, locker room, road kill...

- Mm-hmm. - ...fart plain, fart stale,

- dead dog. - Dead dog!

And locker room!

Oh, boy.

[Liquid splashes]

[Machine whirring]

- Whoo! - Ugh!

- [Coughs] - Ah, shit!

Dead dog, dead dog!

- Blech! Leon, you son of a bitch!

- Tina, go! - Oh, God!

♪♪

- I look like a fucking snow cone.

[Laughs]

Shape up, soldier.

♪ Saturday night at the movies ♪

♪ Who cares what picture you see ♪

Voila.

♪ When you're hugging with your baby ♪

♪ In the last row of the balcony? ♪

Okay, hit it!

[Cheers and applause]

- ♪ Saturday night at the movies ♪

I like it!

♪ Who cares what picture you see ♪

- Vroom! - Stop it.

- Vroom. [Imitate tire screeching]1

- So, what are we gonna do with the rest of this stuff, huh?

- Dr. M said to store everything back here

until after the horrorthon.

Hello, what do we have here?

"Warning, do not open."

- He didn't say anything about a film.

- Why does it have a warning sticker on it?

It's probably a nitrate print.

Old movies were filmed on stock that was highly flammable.

- Yeah, sometimes they used to explode

when exposed to the air.

Knowledge entails risk.

Boom!

[Laughter]

- What is it? - I don't know.

It doesn't look very long.

Wanna run it and find out?

Why not?

[Film projector clicking]

[Beep]

♪♪

- Oh, must be a private eye flick.

Yuck, get the Visine.

♪♪

- We got a great cinematic mind at work here.

- Yeah, eat your heart out, Spielberg.

I think this is funny.

♪♪

Nice nose.

♪♪

I am the possessor.

The possessor, the possessor, the possessor.

You said that.

- I am the possess--

the possess-- possess--

possess...

Oh, no, he's gonna do it.

- I don't believe it. - Yes.

- He's gonna dolly up his nose. - Yes, yes.

♪♪

Eww.

♪♪

Come into...

my head.

I'd rather not, thanks.

Come into my head.

♪♪

Come...into...

my...

head.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Groans]

She's coming to.

Are you okay, Mag?

- Yeah, Mag, how many fingers I got up?

- Will you move back and let the girl breathe?

What?

I'm okay.

What was that movie?

- Whatever it is, it bites the big one.

- No, no, no, really, what was it?

I need to know.

- I don't know, but if it's that scary,

maybe we should show it in the horrorthon.

- Well, I'm not sure of all the facts,

but it's called "Possessor."

It was made by a guy named Lanyard Gates.

He was, like, the head guru of this film cult back in the '60s.

They used to drop acid

and make these weird avant garde movies of each other

staring into the camera picking their noses, stuff like that.

You knew him?

- Oh, I bought into his rap for a while

until I actually saw one of his films.

It was ludicrous.

The audience laughed it off the stage.

"Possessor" was his response.

How do you mean?

He didn't like being laughed at so he shot all of "Possessor"

except for the last scene.

When he showed the film, he played the last scene

live on stage.

He murdered his family in front of the audience.

What?

- Set fire to the theater, locked the doors.

A lot of people were killed.

I always thought the film went up in smoke, too,

but I guess a fragment of it survived.

- I think we should just turn it over to the police.

- Yeah. - Not a good idea

for the horrorthon.

It's a total bummer.

I mean, who wants to see a film

where a guy really goes berserk and kills his entire family?

- Mm. - Exactly.

Back to Dr. M.

- Alright. - Really.

[Inhales deeply]

[Insects chirping]

♪♪

[Door closes, locks]

♪♪

- Mom? - [Gasps] Oh!

♪♪

You scared me.

You alright?

- Have you ever heard of this guy named Lanyard Gates?

♪♪

- No, I don't think so. Why?

- Because we found this film that he made, "Possessor."

Mom, I think that this is a man that I've been dreaming about.

It's really weird.

Maggie...

I want you to quit this festival.

I'm gonna get some tickets for us down at the agency

and we'll go away together, just the two of us.

What are you talking about?

I can't just take off like that.

Well, sure you can.

We never tied ourselves down before.

And if these dreams are starting again --

- Mom, I'm not gonna run away, okay?

I mean, I can't run away from something

that's inside of my head.

I know it sounds completely off the wall,

but there's something happening here

that I've been looking for all of my life.

It's almost like it's psychic or something.

Does that make any sense?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Oh, just every once in a while

I realize that you're all grown up

and I miss that little girl you used to be.

That little girl who used to need me so much.

♪♪

I gotta get to bed.

- Yeah. - Good night.

Good night, sweetie.

♪♪

[Sighs]

[Telephone ringing]

♪♪

- Hello? - The ninth circle of Hell

is reserved for traitors.

Who is this?

I am the possessed,

the possessed, the possessed.

[Whispering] Oh, my God.

Soon, I will be the possessor.

I want her.

I want her!

No!

- Well, then why don't we talk?

I'm in Dreamland.

And bring your nasty little gun

in case I turn my back again.

[Dial tone playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cord strikes]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sign letter clatters]

♪♪

[Sign letters clattering]

♪♪

[Groans]

♪♪

♪♪

[Light clicks]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- Coming soon, justice, retribution,

and death.

The film they tried to stop, but couldn't.

15 years in the making.

♪♪

♪♪

No.

No, Lanyard.

♪♪

[Chord strikes]

♪♪

Lanyard.

- Good-bye, Suzanne.

[Evil laughter]

[Bang, film project stops clicking]

[Howl in distance]

[Creaking]

♪♪

[Chainsaw revving]

[Roaring]

♪♪

[Rapid footsteps]

[Breathing heavily]

[Screeches]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

[Footsteps thudding]

Stop!

Lanyard, you know I'll do it! Stop!

[Gunshots]

[Body thuds]

[Chuckles, whimpers]

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Roaring]

♪♪

[Static]

- Bear witness to the first of Job Bob's Samhain tips.

[Laughs]

♪♪

- Alright. Tonight, as a special service

to all you Wiccans and neo-pagans

and Earth mother goddess religions

and Aquarians and children of Artemis

and radical fairies and pantheist and odinist

and [indistinct] and hellenist and shamans and clematis,

all you people who are truly trying to emulate

the ancient Celtic practices associated with Samhain.

I'm going to give you a series of very practical tips,

starting with the easiest one.

How to ritually murder the king after the harvest goes bad.

First, you want to take a hot iron

and you you want to use it

to put holes through both of his upper arms.

You're going to need some wranglers to hold him down

while you, like, grab the loose skin right here,

like a Crepe Erase commercial, pinch it tight,

ram that rod through there because you're going to use

those holes through his arms to thread a course rope,

which will go around a ceremonial spike

in the middle of the sacrificial altar.

So make that spike about 12 feet high above ground level.

Be sure the spike has extremely sharp

protruding points emanating from it 360 degrees

so that when you bind him tightly to the spike,

the protrusions will pierces flesh at random angles

and at random places.

Okay, step two.

Take a dagger, slice off the nipples.

Be precise about this.

Don't get the whole breast

if he's a little breasty, just the nipple,

because by slicing the nipples, you have removed his kingship

since sucking the nipples of a male leader

automatically makes him king.

Alright, next, we're going to place

non-lethal puncture -- puncture wounds

all over his upper body.

Just -- just hit him at random all over the upper body

while we tell him that he's no longer married to the goddess.

This is kind of a divorce proceeding,

followed by a circular incision at the midsection

to allow us to disembowel him.

This is the dismemberment knife here.

You're going to need to make decisive motions, firm motions,

but use a short blade to avoid premature gut spillage.

And then finally, you're going to take an ax

and you're going to make three precise ax blows to the skull,

one on each side of the skull,

one directly onto the top of the cranium.

That blow will hopefully split its head in half,

creating a suitable offering to the deity of your choice.

And I didn't say ax.

Don't buy one of those cheap aluminum hatchets at Home Depot.

So now, while the blood is still pumping out of this body

in three different places,

head, chest, guts spillage, say a prayer.

Look around for some new nipples to suck and say

[speaking in native language]

Or in modern parlance, Happy Halloween.

Have fun kids reenacting the practices of our ancestors

who made this such a festive holiday.

[Laughter]

Alright, you can remove this now.

[ Laughter ]

Wow.

- I think this is practical advice

that most people would get,

you know, just from Googling the -- the subject.

Okay, something tells me you didn't expect

to see Ray Walston, Tony Roberts

and Dee Wallace in this movie,

[laughing] but there they all are.

- Ray Walston, the veteran character actor

of "My Favorite Martian" fame doing a quick turn

as the movie memorabilia expert.

Tony Roberts, veteran of all those Woody Allen movies

as the cool film school professor,

and Dee Wallace as the mom.

I guess Dee Wallace is always the mom, right?

She was the mom in the '70s.

She's still the mom in the '90s.

But this time, she'd even been the mom in "E.T." by this time.

So "Popcorn" is a miss.

[Laughter]

It's an enjoyable miss, but it's still a miss.

I think I counted eight plots and subplots going on here.

My advice would normally be

don't even try to follow the story.

But then that's not what we do here, is it?

[Laughter]

It starts off with Maggie's bad dream,

so we know the dream is important.

It continues with some kind of weird phone call

similar to the phone calls in "Black Christmas,"

which I mention only

because the producer of this movie is Bob Clark,

the director of "Black Christmas"

and "Porky's" and "A Christmas Story"

and many other movies.

And speaking of "Porky's,"

the director is Billy from "Porky's."

Not the cinematographer from "Porky's,"

not the assistant director from "Porky's,"

not the associate producer from "Porky's."

Billy, the guy looking through the holes

in the shower room wall in "Porky's."

This is the only film he ever directed.

And the reason the movie ended up

being directed by Billy from "Porky's"

is that the original director, Alan Ormsby,

was fired three weeks into production.

Alan Ormsby was an old college friend of Bob Clark,

and actually much more than that.

They made "Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things together.

That was Bob Clark's first movie

and the first movie that Alan Ormsby ever wrote.

Then they made "Death Dream" together.

They worked on "Deranged," the Ed Dean movie together.

They were film students together at the University of Miami.

And even after Bob Clark moved to Toronto and Alan Ormsby

stayed in Florida, they continued to work together.

They remained friends until this movie.

Ormsby got fired after three weeks

and never spoke to Bob Clark again.

Anyway, Billy from "Porky's" came in to direct the movie.

Anyway, I digress. Um...

- Yup. - I was going over

the various plots, right?

We have the let's put on a show plot orchestrated by Toby,

the character played by Tom Villard,

a great actor who was dying of AIDS while doing this role.

Nobody knew he was dying of AIDS

except for Mark Herrier, Billy from "Porky's."

But Tom Villard was so determined

to get in as much acting work as occurred before he died

that he did 13 more projects after this movie.

And this was at a time when you couldn't really let

the industry know you had AIDS or you would never work again.

Okay, what else? Alright.

There's some kind of supernatural plot going on.

I don't even know what that's about

because the letters on the marquee pop off

and attack Dee Wallace and spectral arms

come out of the screen and grab her

and take her away to somewhere.

There's that whole Lanyard Gates.

He killed his whole family on stage plot.

There's a plot of whatever is going on in the movie

"Possessor," which is the little spool

they find in the film can.

And then we haven't even gotten to the films

that are going to be shown at the horrorthon.

Those were all filmed by Alan Ormsby

before he was replaced by Billy from "Porky's."

And the only reason he's not listed as co-director

on the film is that he was so devastated by losing the job,

losing control of his script

and losing his friend of 20 years

that he had his name taken off the film.

There's also a little Tony Roberts subplot

that will play out later.

But I was trying to think of what Tony Roberts

did besides being the best friend

in all those Woody Allen movies.

He was the owner of the house in "Amityville 3-D."

I do remember that.

He was in the "Taking of Pelham One Two Three"

and a couple of Sidney Lumet films.

"Serpico," he was in that.

But he's like a lot of New York actors.

Most of his work has been on the stage,

so we didn't see it.

He's been in 15 jillion plays,

including the rock musical version of "Xanadu."

Woof!

[Laughter ]

I think he was cast in the original

"Play It Again, Sam"

when that was a play on Broadway before Woody Allen

turned that into a movie.

So, that's how long he's known Woody Allen.

Okay, let's get back to the movie.

And then at the next break,

we will be talking to the actress

playing Maggie, and Darcy, isn't she

one of your favorite actresses?

I love her.

- I'm surprised you're still in Elvira gear.

Why aren't you -- why aren't you

in Jill Schoelen gear at this point?

- Because you're gonna need me later.

Why would I need you later?

I have the applause sign.

- The applause sign? - The Elvira applause sign.

I think I know what you mean.

- You do. - Okay, back to the movie.

[Laughs]

- Um, yeah. - Yeah.

[Laughter]

- They did a good job of disguising the fact

that this movie was filmed in Jamaica.

At the time they were trying to attract

film business to Jamaica.

So this was the first film in a series of one

that went to Jamaica to film? [Laughter]

Kingston, Jamaica. Kind of gritty, you know?

They had armed guards around the hotel,

So for laid back L.A. people,

not that attractive of a place to film.

So. Darcy, If you're going to do what I think you're going to do,

um, Shudder might not want us to do that.

- You're going to love it. - Okay, you are going to do it.

Okay, awesome.

That's really going above and beyond on cosplay.

Actually, it's going below and beyond.

Says the man in pimp shoes.

- Darcy, these are not pimp shoes.

Okay.

♪♪

[Static]

[Birds chirping, dog barking]

[Upbeat music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Scary, scary movies ♪

♪ On the silver screen ♪

♪ Aliens, maniacs, tarantulas and brainiacs ♪

♪ And everything in between ♪

Why are you going?

I been through the horrorthon and look at me!

Look at me!

[Growling]

- Here's your official horrorthon kit.

- Thanks! - It contains your

Project-o-Vision 3-D glasses,

your Aroma-Rama noseguard.

- Thank you, thank you. - Whoo, hoo, boo!

- Give me two. - Have a great night.

You're gonna love this horrorthon.

[Indistinct conversations]

Ooh, awesome head, man.

Excuse me.

[Vomiting]

Pardon me.

- What time does the first show start?

Check the shock clock, ma'am.

When it screams, a feature beams.

Sign the fright form, please.

In case you die of a heart attack,

it means we're not responsible.

- No! Don't sign it!

Think of your families, your mommies, your daddies

and Toto at home!

- Excuse me, it's time for his injection.

- Ah, no! Not the needle!

I'm sorry, Nurse Ratched, I'll be good!

Ah! Ah! Ooh! [Flesh tears]

[Indistinct conversations]

- Thanks. - Two, please.

- Mark, hi. - Hi.

Well, hi, Maggie.

Fancy meeting you here.

Enjoy the show.

Maggie.

[Cheers and applause]

[Laughter]

♪♪

- Will these films be as shocking as "Possessor," Sarah?

Two, please.

Hey, lady, where are you going?

Whoo!

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Film starts, cheers and applause]

♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

♪ To get ourselves a treat ♪

♪ Little things to eat ♪

♪ A popcorn can't be beat ♪

♪ The sparkling drinks... ♪

Alright, come on you guys.

Help support our film fest. We are broke.

We can give you these T-shirts for $20.

Come on, two T-shirts for $20.

Come on, make your boyfriend buy you one.

Don't let him be cheap tonight.

Come on, you're a high roller. Come on, spend 20 bucks.

What do you want, a large, a small?

No, you guys need a large.

- This is a horrorthon. - Yeah!

Ooh, wah! Yeah!

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

[ Explosion ]

♪♪

♪♪

Bring on the boos!

♪♪

- Come on, you've got two $5, he's got a $10.

Alright, come on, just spend all your lunch money right here.

Come on, let's do it!

- What in tarnation could've done this, doc?

There's nary a drop of blood left in any of my sheep.

Beats me, Skeeter.

Wait a minute.

Look at this large puncture wound in the back of her neck.

- Are you sure that's the neck? - [Laughs]

- Gross! - I'll be right back.

- Somebody just... - I'm gonna get some popcorn.

- ...stuck a big needle or something

in them and just sucked the blood out.

Oh!

Someone or something.

[ Insect buzzing ]

Got the whole dang flock.

Even Effie.

[Laughter]

♪♪

Say, you don't think there's any connection

between this and them underground tests

the Army's been conducting out here, do you?

- It's our army out there, Skeeter.

If we were in danger, they'd have warned us.

- Toby. - Hey, Mag.

- I know this sounds really crazy,

but I think I just saw Lanyard Gates.

- Gates? - Yes, I'm sure it was him.

He's older and his face was burned, but I'm sure it was him.

The guy from the "Possessor."

"Possessor"?

Maggie, all we saw was an eyeball and a bad haircut.

How could you recognize anybody from that?

- I don't know how I knew, but I'm telling you it was him.

I just -- I know it.

- Well, Mr. Davis did say this guy

Gates's body was never officially identified.

He said it was a big fire and the bodies

were burned beyond recognition,

so maybe he could --

So maybe he's still alive.

I mean, like, he could be just lurking somewhere

in this theater just waiting to attack us!

Sounds a little paranoid.

This is great.

God, Toby, what a great movie this would make!

We gotta find this guy.

- Maggie, maybe we should call the police.

- Oh, yeah, right, they come right on down here,

"Hello, officer, hi.

Um, there was this guy and he made this movie 15 years ago

and he, like, killed all these people

and everything and we think he's at our film festival,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

Alright.

Look, somebody's gotta watch the booth.

- I'll take a look, okay? - Alright.

Hey, be careful.

♪♪

[ Harmonica playing ]

[ Humming ]

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

[ Humming stops ]

Wait. What -- what's that, Skeeter?

[ Buzzing ]

- I-I don't know, but whatever it is,

it's getting too close!

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Cheering]

♪♪

Oh!

♪♪

[ Screams ]

[ Limb snaps ]

♪♪

- [ Hisses ] - [ Screams ]

[Laughter]

[ Screams ]

[ Buzzing ]

Get it off!

Get it off!

[ Screams ]

[ Suctioning ]

[Laughter]

♪♪

Skeeter, oh, God!

Skeeter!

[ Screams ]

[Laughter]

[ Screams ] [ Tires screeching ]

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

♪♪

[Siren wailing in distance]

♪♪

[Door slams]

[Bangs on door]

- Now, tell me this whole thing again.

And spell it out for me this time.

I'm simpleminded.

- And you're ugly, too! [Laughter]

What I'm saying, Lieutenant, the radiation

from the underground atomic tests

stimulated the mosquito's growth

far beyond its normal size.

- Latimer, you're a very good vet and a very pretty lady,

but a mosquito capable of that kind of destruction

would have to be as big as a house.

[ Vehicle approaching ]

- Excuse me, Lieutenant, sir. - What is it, Corky?

- We got an emergency over at Fielding's Pond, sir.

Folks over there are saying that big larva

are breeding in the water.

- Yeah, well, we got people breeding in the balcony!

[Laughter and applause]

- ...here sooner, we could've gotten them all at the pond.

We got all but one?

- Yes, ma'am, but that's the mother.

- If I'm right and she comes back here, then maybe we --

we've got a chance.

Say, Doc...

- Boo! [Fist thuds]

Ow. [Groans]

- Mark! Damn it, you scared me.

- Are you okay? - [Groans]

- Well, if I was a 10-ton mosquito,

I wouldn't waste all my time

sucking through all them sheep.

No, sir. I'd head straight for the blood bank.

[Laughter]

- Okay, Corky, go keep a lookout.

If you see anything coming, holler loud and clear.

You got it, sir.

♪♪

- So, uh, tell me, is there a, uh,

Mr. Latimer?

Not yet.

Is there a Mrs. Bradley?

Yeah.

♪♪

She lives in Kansas.

Bakes apple pie.

I call her Mom.

Whoo!

Hey, no tongues!

No tongues! [Laughs]

Careful, Jim.

The female mosquito is the dangerous one.

Just thought I should let you know what you're in for.

[Laughter]

Thanks for the warning.

[Button clicks]

Mayday, Mayday!

Come on, bugs.

- I saw the thing up in the sky!

It's bigger than ever, and it's headed right this way.

Holy cow, get Washington on the phone pronto.

- It's picked up the scent of the plasma.

Its proboscis is aimed right at us!

- Send the Air Force, Mr. President.

Don't forget the Army, Navy and the Coast Guard.

- How about the police dogs while you're at it?

We need every plane, tank and battleship

you've got, Mr. President.

This is one hell of a bug.

Thank you, sir. God bless you, too.

[ Glass shatters ]

[Screaming, cheering]

♪♪

I'm scared, Lieutenant.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death...

[ Chittering ]

I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

♪♪

Jim, it's leaving!

Amen!

♪♪

[ Mosquito buzzing ]

Yahoo!

[ Missiles firing ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Nothing fazes it.

We'll have to drop the A-bomb.

No, Jim, that's what started

all this trouble in the first place.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Everybody, under the desk!

♪♪

Whoo!

Five, four, three...

Bye-bye!

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

Go, baby, go, go! [ Explosion ]

♪♪

[Screaming continues]

♪♪

♪♪

[Mosquito buzzes]

[Mosquito buzzes]

[Mosquito buzzes]

[Buttons click]

[Mosquito buzzes]

[Mosquito buzzing]

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

♪♪

[Body thuds]

[Mosquito buzzing]

[ Light squeaking ]

- It's dead. [Cheering]

- Wow, incinerated beyond belief!

♪♪

Thanks, guys.

You're welcome, Corky!

[ Upbeat music playing ]

We're safe this time, Jim.

There may be a next time.

And a next.

Do you know how many species of insects

there are in this world?

Mankind must learn to be ever watchful.

I know one thing, baby.

From now on, I'm gonna be watching you.

♪♪

Amen.

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

- Here's another Job Bob's Samhain tips.

[Evil laughs]

♪♪

- For those of you reenacting the Celtic rituals

of Samhain tonight, I want to move on now

to the proper way to build a Wicker Man and to burn it up.

First of all, you have three gods

that you need to appease, Esus, Toutatis and Taranis.

Now we don't have time to do Esus and Toutatis

and they're boring anyway.

Esus's death by hanging,

Toutatis is death by drowning.

That's all they want, then they're cool

for the rest of the year.

You can figure those out, right?

But Taranis requires a straw house in the shape of a god.

You're going to need to find a farmer with some excess hay

and ask him if you can use his scale pasture.

So, Taranis is the God of thunder,

and that means he has to be huge.

Think thunder, think thunder thighs right here, you know?

And when you're stuffing the straw,

make sure his quadriceps are bulging

and then think thunder down under.

He's got a huge penis. He's got this --

He's got this -- reinforce that wang doodle

with as much wood as you can manage stick in there,

Make sure he has good wood,

because you don't want to insult him.

He's looking down at us,

checking on whether his pecker is big enough.

I'm thinking he needs to be at least 30 feet high,

and then his phallus needs to be meaty and protuberance.

Once you get his arms and head on,

throw a bunch of cows and pigs and goats inside him,

and then choose a criminal out of the general population.

Force him into this swinging door

underneath the gargantuan trouser snake,

give everybody some burning torches

and then just barbecue the fuck out of it.

Don't like the actual schlong though.

I know it looks like a fuze.

Try to make the joystick of Taranis the last part to burn.

He's going to soak up all that Samhain mojo

and bless the crops for next year.

You're going to have huge watermelons.

You're going to have cornstalks 15 feet high.

You have done your job placating the Thunder God

and his meat stick.

Happy Halloween.

- Alright. - Wow.

- You can move -- remove this now because

we have business here to do.

Alright, there are four movies within the movie in "Popcorn,"

And you just saw the first one, "Mosquito,"

which may be my favorite.

And these movies are so good that some audience members

believe that they were watching actual movies from the '50s

that had been excerpted for the film.

What's really funny about "Mosquito" is that Alan Ormsby,

the writer, thought he was going over the top

by creating a giant mutant mosquito.

But then two years later, New Line cinema releases

"Skeeter," which was a movie about giant mutant mosquitoes.

Charles Napier was in that, Michael J. Pollard.

You know, I'm one of the few people who likes "Skeeter."

Anyway, for my money, the mosquito kill

in the black and white movie

is better than the mosquito kill

in the Dreamland Theater

directed by Alan Ormsby's replacement.

But there was massive drama on the set of "Popcorn,"

and to give us some insight into that drama,

please welcome the star of "Popcorn,"

Jill Schoelen.

Oh, Darcy and Darcy.

[Cheers and applause]

- Oh! [Cheers and applause]

Okay, you did it right.

That was impressive, Darcy. Yay!

- But Jill didn't really need an applause sign.

- I'm just trying to help out. - Okay.

Um, so, Jill, you were kind of a reluctant scream queen.

Am I right?

You didn't set out to be a scream queen.

- No, I didn't. I will admit that.

So I guess I was a bit reluctant.

- Okay. You grew up in -- you grew up in Burbank.

Yes.

- Does that mean you went to schools

that were full of child actors?

Did you know all the child actors?

Not really.

I mean, I first -- I started out in North Hollywood,

then I went to Burbank,

and when I was 12, I moved to Encino.

And in Encino, I went to -- all the schools were Catholic.

- Okay. - I went to Catholic school,

12 years of Catholic school.

And in Encino, there were Hollywood families.

Annette Funicello's daughter I went to school with,

but the kids themselves, they weren't --

they weren't actors,

but a lot of the parents were actors.

- Okay. Yeah.

Well, your mom

was a famous fashion designer.

- She was. - Dorothy Schoelen.

Was that fun being the daughter of a fashion designer?

Well, um, I guess.

She made women's clothes, so I had lots of clothes.

- Alright, and then you ended up training

at the Acting for Life Theater.

Now, I thought I knew every acting school in America,

but I don't know. The Acting for Life Theater.

What is that one?

Okay, so this was a school

started out by one person.

His name was Gene Bua.

He was on a soap opera, a "Love of Life.

- Do you remember that soap? - "Love of Life," yeah.

- Yeah, he was on "Love of Life"

and, I think, one called "Somerset"

or something like that.

But he came out to L.A., and he started the school

and a ton of people were in his class.

So really ended up being a fair amount of celebrities

took class with him in the long run.

But when I first started with him, I was just a teenager,

and people that were in acting class

felt that the class was so -- it transformed them as people,

the process of the act.

- So, you liked it? - He was my mentor.

He changed my life in many ways

because he got me in touch with my feelings.

Really?

- And so that help with the acting.

- That's actually a common thing,

is that is that character actors

and especially soap actors

frequently are the best acting teachers.

I mean, it's happened again and again and again

in acting studios.

So, you were just working all the time, I guess,

because of the Acting for Life Theater.

You're just working all the time

- throughout the '80s. - [Laughs]

- You were in a famous unsold TV pilot

directed by the legendary Don Mischer.

- Yeah. Called "The Best of Times."

Now, that was Crispin Glover's acting debut.

It was Nicolas Cage's acting debut.

Was that your acting debut?

- And Jill Schoelen. - It was, okay.

I mean, all the famous actors of the '80s were in that...

- Yeah. - ...pilot, I guess,

that never became a series, right?

- ABC kind of wanted an answer. - Yeah.

- You know, some kind of mirror image

in their own unique way of fame.

And somehow they came up with "The Best of Times,

which really wasn't...

- A good time? - ...the best.

- We'll talk about that in a minute.

Anyway, Crispin Glover...

- Yeah. - Now -- now are you thinking

of Crispin Glover and Nicolas Cage as

oh, wow most talented actors I've ever seen,

they're going to be superstars?

Or were you thinking, eh, couple of dudes from acting class?

- First of all, Crispin, he was the most adorable boy.

You know, he was just so adorable.

- Yeah. - And he was quirky.

He was so quirky as a human being.

- So I did think -- - Everyone would agree with that.

Crispin is quirky.

You know, where it says quirky in the dictionary,

there is a picture of Crispin Glover.

- Yeah. - We all got along great.

The three of us probably hung out for a year

all the time together.

- Really? You and Crispin and Nicholas.

- Because they went to the same high school.

- So you became the Three Musketeers

- with Crispin in there? - We were, yeah.

For a short -- for a little short,

a little like, you know, couple strands

of hair in your life. [Laughs]

- Okay. And of course, this audience knows you

from all of your horror roles, from Wes Craven's "Chiller"

and "Phantom of the" --

"Phantom of the Opera" and "Curse II."

[Laughter]

And "When a Stranger Calls Back."

- Yeah. - And I guess your true

breakthrough film, though, was "The Stepfather."

- I think in the genre it probably was, yeah.

Because that was the film that as a result of doing that film,

and, you know, I remember at the time Joe Ruben,

the director, said to me once it came out,

he said, "Jill, our mothers and grandmothers

could not have written better reviews for this movie."

The reviews were so fantastic.

They were very good.

So as you start to get cast over and over

in these horror films,

I take it you're not that pleased with that.

You would like to do things other than...

Well, I was doing other things.

I starred in a musical in Los Angeles,

was supposed to run for six weeks.

It ran for five and a half years.

The role was written for me. It was a fantastic role.

- What was the musical? - It was called "Pepper Street."

It was about a teenage suicide.

A girl who has committed suicide, and a far cry --

- Come to this show about suicide,

and let's dance and sing. [Laughter]

- Well, it was, you know, the humanity

- that was written for me. - Okay.

I had 10 songs a show.

- 10 songs? - Yeah, killed my voice.

- Wow. So you've got the singing chops and the...

- Yeah, and dance. - Dancing.

- It's a whole thing in it. - Wow.

- And you learned all that at the Acting for Life Theater?

- No. - While you were going

- to Catholic school? - No.

I practically came out of the womb singing.

- Wow. You had a fascinating childhood.

- Alright, well -- well... - [Laughs]

- ...we hadn't even gotten into the psychodrama

surrounding "Popcorn" yet, but we have plenty of time.

So, you are skulking around the Dreamland Theater

checking up on your flaky boyfriend

who walked in with a Playboy Playmate on his arm.

That's -- that's Karen Witter, Miss March 1982,

as the haughty blond Joy who is seems not too amused

by being left alone by her date at the theater.

So, let's get back to the movie.

You know, Dee Wallace talked about that theater like it

was a disease infected derelict flophouse.

She was -- she was not -- she was not fond of that theater.

She said it smelled like urine and it had been basically

taken over by homeless people before they ran them out

so they can make the movie there.

Is that true?

That may have been true.

Have you been to Kingston, Jamaica?

No, I have not.

- I personally fell in love with it.

I love that country.

Kingston can be rough.

- Okay. - It can be rough, rough place.

- They weren't using this theater before they made this movie.

- No, I think it was pretty much abandoned,

and that's probably where Dee got her point of view.

- Probably. She saw it before you saw it, yeah.

- For sure. - Okay.

Sounds so exotic, you know?

Hey, mon, we're making a movie in Jamaica.

- You know? - [Laughs]

- Sounds like Sun Devil Beaches and Cabana boys, right?

You know, I'm going to Jamaica, and then you --

you will never leave this dilapidated building.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

[Liquid bubbling]

♪♪

[Steam whistling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

So, let me get this straight.

Uh, this guy Gates, like, come back from the dead

to show some flick he made

and, like, walked up to the movie theater

and bought a ticket, like that?

Am I getting this right or am I just delirious?

- I didn't say that he came back from the dead.

- Right, right, but, well, this Sarah thing,

run that by me again.

He called me Sarah.

Maybe he thinks I'm his daughter.

- Oh. Oh, so Gates has a daughter named Sarah?

Yes!

And we know this how?

- I don't know, Mark, but I kn--

Ugh. You're pissing me off.

Well, enjoy your little joke?

- What? - Locking me out of the theater.

I had to climb down the fire escape and into the side yard.

I fell in a trash bin.

I twisted my ankle while climbing the barbed wire fence,

outrunning a very pissed off Doberman.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to change reels.

- Toby, I didn't do anything, I swear it.

- Oh, yeah? Well, who did, then, huh?

Don't look at me.

Maybe it was him.

- Who? - You -- you mean Gates?

It could be!

- Oh, so Gates came back from the dead to lock

Toby out of the theater.

Oh, yeah.

That's real cute, Mark.

- Come on, Maggie. I'm only fooling around.

- Great, why don't you fool around with Joy, then?

[Whispering] Get out of here.

[Light clicks, film projector clicking]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Cheers and applause]

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

[ Thunder crashes ]

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

- How many? - Just one.

Hi.

Did you have a nice break?

- I'm really sorry. Thanks.

Yeah. Later.

- Great, there you go. - Thanks.

Two popcorns, please.

What's up, player?

Don't ask.

The prisoner will stand.

There being no legal cause

why a sentence should not be pronounced --

- Your Honor, the defense would like the court

to consider the fact...

Joy, what's the story?

- Hey, I tried to save it for you,

but you were gone for so long.

...the court would be lenient.

Hey, man, you're in my seat.

- It is the judgment and sentence of this court...

Eat shit, asshole.

- ...that for the crime of murder in the first degree...

You wanna repeat that, pal?

Huh?

♪♪

[Seat clacks]

I said eat shit, asshole.

- And may God have mercy on your soul.

[Fist thuds]

- Whoo-hoo!

[Body thuds]

Ooh, nice shot, dude.

Oh.

Isn't Mr. Davis here?

- He's backstage. Will you tell him I need him?

What for?

- Every one of these buttons here represents

a wired seat down there.

They're supposed to go off in automatic sequence,

only I don't know how to set the timer.

So in the meanwhile, I'm gonna have to zap

everybody manually, which is --

- That's fascinating, Bud. I'll tell him.

- Tell me. - Tell him, then.

What do you know about erythrocytes and leukocytes?

- Say, aren't those the red and white

corpuscles in the blood?

Very good, Vernon.

[Laughter]

I have created a third corpuscle -- the "magnecyte."

Theoretically, it can regenerate the blood cells

even after severe trauma, any trauma.

Even electrocution.

♪♪

I get it.

You want to inject me with this corpuscle

to see if I can survive the chair, is that it?

Exactly.

- There's this mystery in her own life

that she hasn't solved yet, which --

Sarah, wake up.

Your life has been a dream.

You are possessed.

[Tape recorder clicks]

[Door bangs, man groans, crashes]

Mark! Sorry!

What are you doing here?

I just came to talk to you.

- Hey, listen, you remember that guy Gates?

I can prove that he was here.

When we were gone, he came into the box office

and he left a message on my recorder.

Listen. Shit!

Shit, I must've smashed it into the door.

Tina was here. I bet she saw him.

Cheryl, did you see where Tina went?

- Check with Bud. He might know.

Great.

It's time, Vernon.

I'm ready, Warden.

♪♪

So long, Vernon.

Adios, Big Gil.

Warm it up for me, Vernon.

Anytime, Maxie.

- Hey, Vernon, whatever they tell you, don't sit down!

[Laughter]

I'll keep that in mind, Otis.

- Vernon, when you get to heaven,

will you tell my ma I said hello?

- I ain't going to heaven, Bobby.

But I'll sure be glad to say hello to your daddy.

[Laughter]

[Cranking]

♪♪

Mr. Davis?

♪♪

Hey, that mosquito gag was great.

♪♪

Hey, Bud, where's Tina?

- Jesus, you almost made me zap the third row.

- Cheryl said she was up here with you.

Well, she's looking for Davis.

Check backstage.

Hey, you'll need this.

Thanks.

♪♪

[Laughter]

Sauté the sucker!

[Laughter]

Fry him!

[Applause]

Fry him!

Make mine medium rare!

[Audience chanting "Fry him!"

♪♪

- Alright, kids, here comes Dr. Zap.

Any last words?

[Chanting continues]

See you later.

♪♪

[Drum roll]

♪♪

And away we go.

♪♪

[Cheering]

[ Electricity crackling ]

[ Groans ]

- Bingo! [Electricity crackles]

♪♪

Boop!

[Electricity crackling]

♪♪

Attention, hemorrhoid sufferers...

[Button clicks, electricity crackles]

[ Groaning ]

- You, sir, have just received the Ted Bundy award.

[Electricity crackles]

[Laughing] Yes!

Ah, this is fun. I like doing this.

[Buttons clicking]

[Electricity crackling]

Boo!

♪♪

Bud needs you.

[Audience screaming in distance]

And by the way, so do I.

Your lip, it's peeling.

Nerves.

[Chuckles]

How about a quickie right here with just that

little screen between us and public exposure?

Everybody always wonders how I get those straight As.

I keep telling them I do lots of extra credit assignments.

- Mm. - [Chuckles]

♪♪

- My God, he's still breathing.

[Groaning]

[Tearing]

[Muffled scream]

[Strap pops]

[Growling]

[Grunting]

♪♪

[ Electricity crackling ]

♪♪

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Whimpering]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Roaring]

[ Electricity crackling ]

- [Screaming] - [Growling]

♪♪

What can we do?

Get Washington on the line.

Pronto.

[ Screaming ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

♪♪

[ Evil laughter ]

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

I don't see him.

Shoot.

I see you.

- Wow, Maggie. Maggie, check this out.

- [Gasps] Tina, you scared me.

Are you okay?

- Mm-hmm.

Shh.

Audience.

- Right, um, what are you doing up here?

Securing the mosquito.

- Hey, listen, did you see anybody

come into the box office after I left?

[Whispering] Mr. Davis.

Where'd he go?

He just left.

Damn it.

- Well, maybe I could still catch him.

- Tina should start eating better.

She looks like shit.

Bye.

♪♪

[Body thuds]

[Static]

Black mass is now in session.

Time enough at last for one Joe Bob's Samhain tips.

[Evil laughs]

[Coughing]

- If you're ever reading the Bible

and you get seriously into Deuteronomy,

and who doesn't, you know?

You might wonder why God is always commanded Israel

to destroy the pillars and the groves.

Pillars and groves, groves and pillars.

It's in there hundreds of times with the commandment

to overthrow their altars, break their pillars,

burn their groves with fire,

wipe out their names from every place.

And this is pretty much what happened.

Wasn't enough just to conquer a territory.

You had to get in there and chop down the pillars

and burn the groves.

And the pillars were giant images

of fertility gods, and the groves were --

that's what I want to talk about here.

But the reason we don't know more about these Pagan gods

is Israel did what God said to do.

They had their names wiped out

from every place until neo-paganism,

when we started building those pillars back up again.

And my point right now, though,

is going out into the woods and having wild sex,

that's what happened in the Grove

where the sacred prostitutes held court.

So, today we don't have any sacred prostitutes,

except in 10 rural Nevada counties.

So if you want to get in touch with the true Halloween,

get your horniest 10 friends together,

go down to Dick's Sporting Goods

and get some of those glamping tents.

Go to the state park, put the tents in a circle,

everybody strip naked and party till it feels sacred.

You know, we can't be more specific

about what goes on in the groves

because the people of Moses burned them out

before they could record the ceremony.

So we have to improvise.

It's sacred and it's nekkid.

That's kind of all we need to know, right?

When the sun comes up, the grove shuts down till next year.

So, sexy Samhain, people. [Laughter]

Alright, Jill.

[Laughs]

- Do you ever find this movie a little bit confusing?

I mean...

[Laughter]

You can be honest.

I mean, I think at one point --

Rhetorical.

- I think at one point your boyfriend says,

"Who are we looking for?"

You know, 'cause -- 'cause everybody

is wandering around backstage

at the Dreamland Theater and people are dying

and we think it's Lanyard Gates.

But don't do any spoilers yet,

but we don't know who the killer is yet.

But what did you think when you first read this script?

- So, when I first read the script was months

and months earlier because they had cast the other girl

and I went off and did this movie, "Rich Girl."

And when I finished that is when I got the phone call.

So it had been a long time since I read the script.

I was somewhat familiar with it, but then once I got the call

to and accepted the offer to go over there,

I never had a chance to look at the script.

- And you were replacing an actress who was fired.

So that that's got to be awkward, right?

So I felt bad, yes, I did.

- Yeah. - 12 years Catholic school, too.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

- Did you know the girl who was fired?

- I never met her. I only knew of her.

I mean, everybody knows.

- She was -- she was a working actress.

- She'd done a lot of work. - Yeah.

The two firings on the show were Alan Ormsby,

- the director, got fired. - Yes.

- And Amy O'Neill was -- was the lead actress

for three weeks.

And they were both very emotional events

because Alan Ormsby and Bob Clark

never talked to each other again.

You know, they had been friends

- for 20 years. - That's right.

- And now they never talk to each other again.

And Amy O'Neill was so upset

that her roommate, um, Ivette Soler...

- Yes. - ...who plays Joannie

in the movie, she got on the plane with her

and flew to Miami with her just for emotional support

because she was so, you know, upset by it.

But apparently she was fired over the phone.

So all that happened before you showed up.

Now, what did they tell you about the job?

- I never heard that story, so right now I'm still dealing

with the shock of the story.

I didn't -- I had no idea that

that was her best friend, any of that.

- So it's like -- - They were roommates

during -- in the first three weeks.

And so that's why Ivette went with her on the plane.

- I just was told that they ran into troubles, big troubles

and they were desperate to get somebody out there.

And to my understanding,

I was Alan's first choice for the film.

And Bob Clark, I think I was his second choice.

So when they fired her, they called.

- Bob Clark, who was the producer.

- Alan was the original director. - Yeah.

Bob wanted, I guess, wanted Amy O'Neill.

Alan wanted you, and so then when they ended up

firing Amy O'Neill, they bring in you.

- Yes, and they -- they also fired him.

I don't -- I don't --

- And they -- but they're firing Alan,

the guy who liked you.

- Yes. It was very awkward.

- So -- - The whole thing. [Laughs]

- Now, what do you -- what did you think

when they -- when they bring you in

and they tell you, okay, the director,

instead of Alan, the guy who likes you,

is going to be the guy who played Billy in "Porky's?"

I didn't know any of that.

[Laughter]

- Okay. - The only thing I knew about

"Porky's" was Roger Wilson,

who I starred with in a Cannon film called "Thunder Alley."

He was in "Porky's," and that was my entire

knowledge of "Porky's."

- Okay. - I knew nothing about it.

- Probably the best that you don't know anything

- as you come in. - [Laughs]

- You know, I-I never understood

why if the production was this troubled

and Bob Clark was the producer,

why didn't he just step in and direct it himself?

I don't know either.

It was a very uncomfortable set when I arrived.

When I arrived, everyone was silent

and it wasn't like, oh, hey, blah, blah, blah,

you know, loosey goosey.

It was -- people were uptight.

- Yeah, okay. - They weren't happy.

- So it's like here's the new girl

who replaced that girl that we like.

And they liked her.

- Yeah. But, Bob, I mean,

I -- what I was told is

that he really did not want

the association of having directed the film.

Oh, that's true.

He didn't want to do horror anymore.

He said I don't do horror anymore.

- Something like that. - But there's also the sense

that he was looking over Mark's shoulder the whole time.

- Well, you know, it's like it's very awkward.

I very -- I really like Mark.

- Mark Herrier. - Mark Herrier.

- Meaning Billy from "Porky's." - Yes.

Sorry. "Porky's" Mark Herrier, the director.

So he was -- he was super nice.

He did appear to be directing, but he -- it was like...

Let's say Bob was there, like --

I'm trying to find the right words.

- I'm trying to be like -- - Bob was there all the time.

- Um, Bob was his mentor on the film.

- Okay. - That's how I'm gonna say it.

- Alright. - Nicely done.

- Yeah. - Well done.

- [Laughing] We're going to go back to the movie.

- But he was very hands on, Mark.

- Alright. We're going to go -- I'm not saying he didn't direct.

I'm saying Bob was like...

Alright, we're going back to the movie now,

but I have to ask you one random thing.

Yes. Oh, gosh.

What is Coty Wild Musk?

[Laughs]

Coty -- Coty Wild Musk. What is that?

- Okay, well, first of all, that question's killing me.

[Laughter]

- And why? - But besides that --

Because who talks about Coty Wild Musk?

- This man. - Well, because

you were the spokesperson, right?

- Well, it's a hilarious commercial.

Have you ever seen the commercial?

- No. - Oh, I'll find it.

You've seen Coty Wild Musk?

- I will find it. - You know, it's cave man

and cave woman, and the guy that got casted,

he was actually my boyfriend.

Peter Tramm, wonderful dancer,

did all the dancing for Kevin Bacon in "Footloose."

- Wow. - Oh, wow.

- Yeah. - The dancer in "Footloose"

was your boyfriend?

- He was my boyfriend. - We're just discovering

one nugget after another about you.

I know.

He did leave me while we were dating,

and he did not leave me for a woman.

Left me for a man, so that was an

[laughing] interesting experience.

- But the guy who did all the dancing in "Footloose"...

- Yes. ...co-starred with you in

the Coty Wild Musk commercial,

which was about cave people.

But then you broke up because he fell in love with a man.

- He -- he left me for a man.

- Okay. - Correctamungo.

[Laughter]

- Well, is Coty -- - Is that a word?

- So, Coty Wild Musk is wild and musky?

- Why did you just say? [Laughter]

- It was just perf-- I did so many commercials

early on in my career.

- Like, I -- - You did many commercials.

- Yeah. - For many products.

- You know, the body soap and lotions and...

- Okay. - The first video games

and Coke.

And I did a million commercials.

- Okay. - And Coty was one of them.

- I'm sure that paid better than "Popcorn," right?

- They -- they -- they were the gift that kept giving,

you know, with the residuals and stuff.

- Alright. - [Laughs]

Roll the flick.

Darcy, You should be doing this interview

because you guys did a couple of podcasts together, right?

- We did, yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah, and you probably asked better questions than I do.

- I definitely do. - You do?

Alright, you didn't have to agree with me on that.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

How's the movie?

Too scary for me.

I need some popcorn to calm me down.

Thank God it's not fattening.

And a Milky Way too, please.

- Joannie! - Cheryl!

I am not having any butter on my popcorn,

and you can get me a diet Pepsi

so it all balances out in the end.

- Yeah, that's exactly where it's gonna balance out --

- in your end. - [Gasps]

[Door creaks]

- He must be able to change his appearances.

- Who? What? - Mark!

Now we're gonna have to walk

- all the way around the building. - Shit.

Yeah, who did you say could change his appearances?

- Gates. I saw him buy a ticket.

But Tina just said it was Davis who came into the box office.

Now, she wouldn't have let Gates in unless she thought

he was somebody else, somebody that she knew.

So, obviously, he must disguise himself.

- Oh, no, wait, no disguise looks that real that close up.

Maybe.

Wait a minute.

Hmm, this is Davis's car. That's his briefcase.

He must still be inside.

- Maggie, who are we looking for, Davis or Gates?

- If Gates is walking around disguised as Davis,

that probably means there isn't a Davis.

- I'm gonna go find -- - Wait, wait, hold it, hold it,

let's just cut to the lot like Toby did, remember?

- What do you mean? There's a fence.

So we'll climb it.

- But there's a barbed wire fence.

- Maggie, we'll fly over it, alright?

- Will you just trust me? - Wait, Mark, Toby said

he got attacked by a guard dog.

- Babe, any guard dog that Toby can handle,

Mark can handle, too, okay?

- Come on. - [Chuckles]

- Hey, Tina, have you found Davis yet?

Oh, yes.

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

[Jingling]

- Hey! [Handcuffs click]

What the -- [Grunts]

Hey!

This is cute, Tina, but I have a cue in five minutes.

Oh, okay. Very kinky.

What do you -- oh!

[Muffled] Okay. What's going on here?

Tina!

[Muffled grunting]

[Groans]

Stop right there, man.

[Laughter]

[Breathing heavily]

[Hair clippers buzzing]

[Muffled grunting]

♪♪

Hey, Bobby, get a load of this crazy cat.

Yeah, bird brain.

We're addressing you.

[Muffled scream]

♪♪

[Muffled scream]

♪♪

[Muffled grunting]

♪♪

Whoo!

[Laughter]

[Muffled grunting]

- Well, Bud, you'll get a charge out of this.

Watch the panel.

The lights will go on in the following order --

red, blue, green.

Or is that green, blue? Oh, I forget.

But the important light is that yellow one.

When it turns on, Bud, so do you.

[Muffled grunting]

Alright, big guy.

Come to papa.

[ Electricity crackling ]

[Muffled grunting]

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

[Muffled screaming]

- [Screams] [Electricity crackles]

♪♪

Hey, he's got Ritchie!

Let go of Ritchie, man!

[Muffled grunting]

[Electricity crackles]

♪♪

Richie!

♪♪

[Muffled panting]

♪♪

[Panel clicks]

♪♪

[ Evil laughter ]

- Oh, my God, what happened to him?

- He fell off this fence and there was this Doberman.

- Yeah, forget about that, alright?

- No big deal. - [Giggles]

- Whoa, this is a job for Nurse Joannie.

- Hey, I'm fine. - Bend over.

[Cheers and applause]

He's coming this way.

Kiss me, Dick.

- Kiss your what? - And don't let me go.

[ Laughter]

All done.

- Have you guys seen Davis? - No.

- [Groans] - Let's go talk to Bud.

Give me a hand.

Watch the candy counter.

I love it.

♪♪

No, Vernon.

Have you heard, Peggy?

I'm high voltage these days.

- Always been high voltage to me, Vernon.

[Muffled grunting]

♪♪

Pucker up, baby!

♪♪

Well, well.

What do we have here?

Burn him dead!

Burn the guy dead!

- It's great! They're eating it up in there!

- I know, I cannot believe the stunts actually worked.

- And now that we are alone. - Um, sure.

[Groaning]

- Come on! - Come on, darling, run!

- Be happy, Dick, and remember me.

[Electricity crackling]

[Groans]

[Electricity crackling]

[Grunting]

Aaaah!

[Electricity crackling, screaming]

[Screams]

What the hell's going on?

[Screeching]

This is not scheduled.

[Whirring, popping]

[Electricity crackling]

[Buzzing]

[Cheering]

[Cheering]

Wow.

Leon, this is weird.

- Was all this supposed to happen?

No, I don't think so.

Okay, okay, we've got to turn the lights back on.

- What? I don't know from lights.

- That's Toby's department. - This is a blackout.

There are a thousand people inside there, Leon.

They'll riot.

The band!

- Good idea. - Where are they?

- The green room. - Let's go.

Okay.

- Now, what the hell was that? - I don't know.

Don't let go.

You might fall down the st--

- Shit. - Shit! I'll get him.

Mark! Talk to me.

- Are you okay? - Fine, fine!

Just don't step on my...

- [crunch] - ...hand!

Oh, geez.

I'm gonna go talk to Bud.

- Ladies and gentlemen, we hope to be off auxiliary power soon

and get back to the movie.

Meanwhile, let's bring out the band!

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪

There's trouble.

[Shouting indistinctly]

♪ My heart is heavy ♪

♪ With sadness ♪

♪ Massah told me you're going away ♪

♪ To chant revival in a cozy church ♪

♪ On Pocomania Day ♪

Bud?

[Gasps]

Sarah.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

What, no kiss for daddy?

Who are you?

Oh, that hurts.

There's so great a wound as an ungrateful child.

- I'm not Sarah. I'm not your daughter.

I'm not your child.

Oh, yes.

Think.

An altar, a sword,

Mommy dearest.

The fire, a gunshot.

And now it's time to join your mother.

[Echoing] No!

[Whispering] Sarah.

Sarah!

Sarah!

[Whispering] Sarah.

Sarah!

[Gunshot]

Sarah.

[Panting]

- [Screams] - Oh!

Hey! Hey, hey!

Maggie, what's the matter?

Oh, my God.

Gates just tried to kill me.

He killed Bud and maybe Tina and Davis, too.

Toby, he's my father.

I remember.

I remember the whole thing.

Wait, Maggie.

Shit.

My, my, my.

And what could you two be doing all alone in the dark?

Come on, let's get out of here.

♪ So then come, come and turn your roller ♪

♪ Hot, we hot, yes, we cold in the water ♪

♪ Come on this and mice of the sea ♪

♪ Then taka-taka on your tambourine ♪

♪ Beat the drum pass, word to your mi ♪

[Singing in native language]

♪ One more thing I want to let you know ♪

♪ There's a meeting here tonight ♪

- Toby, it's not a screenplay that I've been writing.

It's my life.

My unconscious has been trying to make me relive my past

so that I would remember it.

I'm Sarah Gates.

I'm not Maggie Butler.

Suzanne's not my mother, she's my aunt.

My mother's name was Gloria.

My father killed her the night that he showed "Possessor."

He tried to kill me, too, but Suzanne stopped it.

She shot him and she saved me,

and I don't know, somehow we got away.

She changed our names and our identities to protect me.

From Gates?

Well, his body was never found,

so nobody could ever prove that he was dead.

She never knew when he'd come back.

Now he's here.

Why, Maggie?

To finish the film.

And to kill me.

God, Toby.

My brain is just, like, reeling.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, I'm here for you, Maggie, all the way.

Come on.

Let's get the lights turned on, huh?

We got to call the police.

- Okay, but let's do this first, huh?

Well, down the rabbit hole.

- The rabbit hole? - And into Wonderland.

That's a little humor there.

It's the only way to get to the circuit breakers.

- Whoa! - Toby!

Are you all right?

Toby!

[Screams]

Toby!

Toby, where are you?

Toby?

Mr. Davis!

Mr. Davis?

Toby?

- Sarah. - Tina?

Tina, is -- is that you?

Tina!

[Deep voice] Sarah.

[Growling]

[Gasps]

[Moaning]

Stop!

Stop. Please.

[Growls]

Welcome home.

[Static crackles]

- Prepare yourself as the vail of the living departs

with another of Joe Pop's Samhain tips.

[Laughs]

- So some people call Halloween "The night the hag rides."

And of course, when we think about a hag,

we assume that's a witch.

But it's more likely that it's one of our ancestors,

some great aunt or something.

A great aunt who won't stop talking.

You know, every family has one of those, right?

And that's who you honor when you build a family

altar for Samhain.

Samhain is one of two nights in the year.

The other night is Walpurgisnacht.

Two nights when there's no difference between

this life and the afterlife.

When the living in the dead can talk to each other.

So when you run with that idea, who do you want to talk to?

You want to talk to your grandpa!

He was always funny, right?

Plus, I never got to ask him what he did in

the Shriners Circus before he died.

So cut up some old family albums,

put out some figs and toddies for the ancestors.

Call up your weird cousin who subscribes to Ancestry.com,

and zombify your entire family tree.

Make those people walk into the present and rant

about how it was better in their day.

Cosplay people who contributed semen to your DNA

back in the 17th century.

So, have you noticed that people who spend all their time

looking up their genealogy, they eventually tell you

that they're descended from Charlemagne?

[Laughter]

Was Charlemagne that big of a horndog?

Was he a baby daddy for like 9,000 children?

Because, I mean, it's kind of freaky

how many people are descended from royalty?

You know, Otis, are you sure your grandpappy

came from a line of French kings?

He never even learn to speak English right,

much less French.

So nobody ever says, "Yeah, you know,

if you go back far enough in my genealogy, we were

impoverished pig farmers in a remote part of Portugal."

I mean, nobody ever says that.

It's always, "Yep, Charlemagne the Great,

that's where we come from."

So anyway, so stick a picture of Charlemagne on the family altar,

chug some mead, and worship your DNA and your bloodline.

Just don't try to talk about it to anybody else

because we don't care.

So happy Samhain, Charlemagnians.

All right, one of my favorite performances in this movie is

Bruce Glover as the electric chair man.

And, Jill, you started out working with Crispin Glover.

Did you ever meet Crispin's father Bruce?

- Bruce Glover? - I never did at the time.

I agree. It's my favorite performance in the film, too.

- Oh, okay. - His is the electrified man.

- All right, well, Darcy, you know Crispin, Bruce, and Jill.

So why don't you just take over this interview,

since you gals have already bonded in the past?

I'd be happy to.

I don't have any pimp shoes, but do you think I could

do the interview anyway?

- Darcy, if you can do it without sarcasm

and not mention the pimp shoes.

Normally we don't deal with people moving

through the Hollywood A-list like Jill here.

So this show specializes in the low budget world,

so we appreciate this, Jill.

It's like having a little taste of the jet set.

- Did you really just say "jet set"?

Yeah, I said jet set.

- Wow. Don't do that again. - All right.

- So, Jill. - Yes?

- You were engaged to Brad Pitt. What was that like?

- Well, the way I --

[Laughter]

Uh...

Okay. I feel like I'm tip toeing here.

Oh, really? Okay.

- Well, so what I will say is there's been a lot of stuff

written about it over the years and, you know --

- A lot of stuff written about it?

- Well, because of Brad, every time he has a new wife,

a new girlfriend, you know, they dredge up the past

and everybody that's been in his life.

And there's a lot of misinformation out there.

So I've been writing a book, and it's going to be done

probably in a month or two.

And I haven't even told anyone, so this is the first, you know.

- Okay. - I think I mentioned

it on on Facebook.

And I do talk about they always say there's your truth,

- my truth, and then the -- - The real truth.

- You know how things get twisted over the years,

and, you know, how they get put into print.

But I don't think I make things up in my head.

So I'm going to say my version's is the truth.

[Laughter]

Okay.

- We could go back even earlier, though.

- Yeah. - Keanu Reeves

was your boyfriend.

Yes, he was.

He was my babe in Toy Land.

[Laughter]

Aw. That's how you met, right?

- Yeah, we met on the set of "Babes in Toyland."

And we fell in love, you know,

Or it was a lovely time.

And, you know, I will say, you know, regarding Brad,

one of the reasons I think it was difficult

for that relationship to really be on solid ground

is it's never a good idea when you're mourning,

getting out of one relationship just to start another.

And they were, you know, on the heels of each other.

- Because you met him on the set of "Cutting Class", right?

I did, but a girlfriend of mine

was the costume designer on "Cutting Class."

I had no idea what the name of the film

she was a costume designer on, but she was my best friend.

Her name is Kelly. Kelly has since passed.

But Kelly kept -- because in my getting over Keanu,

which was really, you know, very difficult for me at that time,

you know, one of those... [mock sobbing]

...kind of situations.

And she said, "I met this great guy, Jill,

I've been telling him all about you,

and the two of you have got to meet."

And I'm like, "Kelly, no, I'm not dating an actor."

- And it ended up being Brad. - It was Brad Pitt.

It was totally coincidence.

- It's like, "Oh, I date actors now."

- Yeah. - [Laughter]

- Okay, well, we're going to leave the rest for the book.

- Okay. All right. - One more.

You fell in love again on the set of "Popcorn."

- Correct? - I did.

- That was right. - Yes, that is right.

That one is right.

And Chris Brown was his name, and he was, I think,

the camera assistant on "Popcorn."

He was so adorable.

He was like -- Wayne Gretzky was so handsome,

and he was a better looking version of Wayne Gretzky.

They looked like twins practically.

And, you know, there he was.

You know, he was Jamaican,

but he had blond hair and, you know, blue eyes.

- He was like a Jamaican who looked like

a Canadian hockey player?

[Laughter]

- How can you not fall for that? Come on.

- I mean, who wouldn't fall for him?

- Exactly. - He was adorable.

- And so you had a relationship with him?

- Yeah, we went out for a few years.

We were engaged, and then there were just --

Did you move to Jamaica?

- We spent a lot of time in Jamaica.

Okay. So you loved Jamaica?

I love Jamaica. Yeah.

- Okay, Darcy, this is getting to be too much

like "Access Hollywood" or "Dish Nation."

So I'm taking back control of this show.

Plus, you didn't ask her about the most important movie of all.

- Jill. - "Cutting class." I did.

- I can't imagine there was any greater acting challenge

for you than "Curse II: The Bite."

[Laughter]

What was that like?

Well...

[Laughter]

Yeah, I see a big story there.

It was tough. It was tough.

I mean, I recently -- somebody alerted me

to Wil Wheaton's article

or something he wrote about his tough time on "The Curse."

- Yeah. - And on "The Curse II",

I, too, went through a tough time.

- You saying horrible things happen on the set of

- "Curse II: The Bite"? - I'm saying --

- You're going to disillusion everybody.

They did this.

When I'm down in the pit, and they were going to throw

a barrel, a big trash barrel, you know, regular sized

trash barrel of rubber snakes on me.

And they said, "Could we throw

just in literally a handful of lives snakes?"

And they said, "They don't bite, they don't blah, blah, blah."

And so I was like, "Am I going to be safe?

Am I going to be --"

"Oh, you'll be fine. You'll be fine."

They threw a barrel full of live snakes on me.

I was terrified.

Did they bite you?

They didn't bite me.

One of the actors got bit,

but I personally did not get bit.

I was so terrified. I mean, they grabbed me.

One -- How do you --

You don't need more than one take for that.

I mean, it was really terrifying.

Did they get the shot?

They got the shot.

You know, I always say I'm not a scream queen,

but that was a real scream right there.

- I got to rewatch it knowing that.

- Was this David, the director of the first movie?

Same director?

- Forgive me. I don't -- No, I don't think it was.

- Okay. - I think it was

- the same producer. - Oh, okay. Same producer.

So I don't know, I think the "Curses" are cursed.

- Okay. - That's what I'm thinking.

- Okay, it's time to go back to the movie.

Just roll it. All right.

And by the way, we didn't really talk about Derek Rydall.

Is that how you say his name?

- Rydall? - Rydall.

- Your boyfriend in the movie. - Yeah.

- The guy who plays Mark. - Yeah.

Any chemistry with Derek?

Not off screen.

- [Laughter] - No? Okay.

Well, this was his last movie.

He quit the business. So, what did you do to him?

- I don't know. I don't know if people quit

or some people, you know, they get those couple jobs,

and then they just, they stop getting them.

- Okay. - He couldn't roll

with the jet set.

Oh, please. Okay. Thank you.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

♪ On Pocomania Day ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- Okay, we got our lights back on.

Let's get on with the show!

[Cheers and applause]

Who are you?

I'm Toby.

Or -- or nearly Toby.

You'll have to forgive the...

sloppy craftsmanship.

Actually, it takes hours every morning to prepare the perfect

Toby for the world to see.

In truth, I've perfected the quick transition

from face to face.

Of course, I have to borrow their faces to do it.

You might say I'm "multidentical."

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

Now, with a little nip here and a little tuck there,

I become "multisexual."

Nothing new about that, huh?

And as you've heard, with the help of

electronic voice harmonics, I become Tina, the class bimbo.

[Laughs]

I can look like anybody I want to.

It's one of the few advantages of not having a face.

Then you're not...

Your father?

No.

Lanyard Gates is dead.

Died in the fire 15 years ago.

If you're Toby, why are you...

Why am I going to kill you?

Is that your question?

Why are you doing this?

Oh!

Good question.

Same answer, actually.

See, I was caught in that fire, too.

My mother was in Lanyard's so-called film cult.

We were sitting in the front row

when your Aunt Suzanne shot Lanyard

and set fire to the theater.

You, luckily, got out.

We, unluckily, did not.

My mother died.

I lost most of the flesh on my body.

I'm sorry.

Oh, are you?

Well, that makes it all right, then!

Here, I'll just let you go.

You're sorry?!

Look at me!

[Screams]

[Gasps]

This is your work!

Don't like it, huh?

You don't have to look!

Don't look!

Don't look at me!

I was a child, too, Toby!

- You were a child? Good. I was a child.

We were all children.

Nobody was a child like me!

Nobody.

Shall I describe the -- the years

of surgery I went through, huh?

The skin grafts, the prosthetic pieces.

I had to glue on my face all through school

every day of my life

so the other kids wouldn't scream.

Nobody saw me coming, huh?

Here, I'll show you how it works.

Now, the first thing we do is we cover up

these fried egg eyes with contact lenses.

Lovely. [Laughs]

Toby.

Ah.

Now a new nose.

There.

- Please stop. - Then we prepare a face

to meet the faces that we meet.

A lovely chin.

Yeah.

[Laughs]

It's my Scarecrow in Oz face.

Cute, huh?

You're crazy.

What, this just dawned on you?

That's great.

And I'm the one who's crazy.

[Laughs]

Can't say I've lost my sense of humor, can you?!

Toby.

What are you gonna do?

Mm, here's my plan.

I've thought it out with geometric logic.

I'm going to recreate that showing of "Possessor",

only this time, it's going exactly as planned.

And maybe that way, things will be different.

Maybe then, my mother won't die...

and I won't be burned.

And everything will be okay.

That makes perfect sense.

- Yeah, it does, doesn't it? [Chuckles]

- Yuck! - Oh, pee-yew, what is that?

- Hmm, I don't know. Could be swamp gas.

- [Laughter] - Well, it doesn't smell like

swamp gas to me.

Well, it's not me.

I'm not so sure.

- Well, whatever it is, it's getting worse.

Yuck.

Mark, if you keep this up,

you're gonna have to hire your own private nurse before long.

- There you are, you son of a bitch!

Oh, no.

I want to go home now.

Hi, Joy.

Look, uh, I'm sorry, but Maggie had some problems,

and I had to help her out.

Maggie?

What, are you obsessed with this bitch or what?

God, I knew you didn't have any brains,

but I thought you had some taste.

Why don't you just cool out?

- Why don't you just shut your little mouth, you little slut?

And as far as Maggie goes,

I saw her leave here with that little film nerd.

- What's his name? - Toby?

Yeah, that's right, Toby.

I caught them in the dark, and they were going at it.

They were hot and heavy.

And you wouldn't believe it,

they're on their way to his house.

You're full of shit.

[Grunts]

Hey, asshole!

Oh, no.

- Uh-oh.

You got a problem?

I said you got a problem?

- No, do you? - He hit me.

Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

- Unh-unh, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute,

this boy's been getting beat up all day.

- You want him, you got to go through me.

- I don't hit chicks. Now back off!

- You don't hit chicks? You swear to God?

- I ain't never hit a chick in my life.

That's all I wanted to know.

- [Grunts] - Rad!

I could've done that.

You bitch! [Grunts]

- Oh, my hair! - Punk-ass blonde bitch!

Get your sorry ass out of here.

You're messing with my hair!

It's not your hair anyway!

- I'm gonna bust your butt, bad boy.

[Grunting]

God damn it!

- I got you, wimp! You ain't shit!

He's going for the side door!

- I can't believe she went to Toby's house.

Toby and Maggie, are you crazy?

You believe that dumb bitch?

- You guys know where Toby lives?

- 48 Crescent Road, apartment 7-3, about five blocks away.

Believe it.

She's the world's authority on Toby D'Amato.

- Use the side door. - Right.

- Oh, my God, my stench cue! I'm late.

Almost time.

Lanyard Gates began "Possessor" at midnight,

and we will follow in his footsteps.

Wait, I forgot the other member of the original cast.

- Ta-da! - Mom?

- Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Sarah, Mom.

Mom, Sarah.

Maggie, forgive me.

Hey, sure, why not?

All she did was murder your father, destroy his life's work,

and then lie to you your whole life.

Sure, say a couple of Hail Marys and forget the whole thing.

- Maggie, he was giving you acid. I had to get you out.

- Liar, liar, face on fire, face on fire!

Toby, don't do this, please!

- Toby! Lanyard Gates was crazy!

I am rubber, you're glue.

Everything that you're saying bounces off me

and sticks on you!

- Toby, no! - Sticks on you!

Sticks on you, sticks on you, sticks on you.

Oh.

Half an hour to midnight.

I still have a little time to kill.

Hmm.

[Static crackles]

- The darkest hour has come just in time for a final Samhain tip.

[Laughs]

- Okay, in order to properly observe any holiday,

but especially Samhain, you need to know exactly

which alcoholic beverages to immerse yourself in.

And if you're trying to consume the precise alcoholic toddy

that was enjoyed by the Celts 1,900 years ago at the apex

of Samhain observance, then you need to go to West Africa

and find just some pure millet beer

because that's what they drank, millet beer.

But since only about 1% of our audience

has the ability to go to West Africa

and find the pure millet beers,

we're going to go to the next best thing

and recommend some craft beers

that include millet in the recipe.

Now, what is millet?

You may be wondering that. Millet is grass.

You're drinking beer made from grass.

Fortunately, we have some craft breweries

that are in search of grass tasting beer

because they want to advertise that they are gluten free,

which is impossible with barley malt.

So first we have Greens Beer from Baildon, England.

And gonna give it a taste here.

It tastes...

well, it tastes like grass.

Um...

next, we have O'Brien Pale Ale from Windery, Australia.

[Laughter]

It tastes like grass with kangaroo doo doo in it.

And finally we have the Nama Biiru Ale

from Bengaluru, India, site of the annual Millet Festival.

And this one is perhaps the purest version

of millet beer in the world.

They don't even bottle it.

They only sell it at the festival.

We were able to get some sent to us, and it tastes...

All right.

Okay.

[Laughter]

It tastes like clumps of grass wrapped in dirty socks

and dropped in Nevada moose sperm.

So if you're going to want a chaser,

once you arrange your perfect Samhain feast table, the chaser

I would recommend is...

a fire hose.

There is basically nothing that can cut the taste

of millet beer.

So enjoy your Celtic adventure,

all ye neo-pagans of the 21st century.

Luxuriate in the purity of past centuries

and the holiness of nature based festivals, be exuberant.

Get you a giant mug with Gaelic writing on it

and pour that grass down your throat like a true Druid.

This has been Joe Bob Briggs bringing you tips

for having a bloody and sexy and grass drenched holiday.

You're welcome.

And speaking of traditions,

there is nothing like the old standard reggae song

"Pocomania Day."

[Laughter]

Isn't that the name of that song, "Pocomania Day."

To keep a crowd fascinated in the middle of a blackout.

Right? Isn't that true?

You know, they go to great lengths

to make Jamaica look like Southern California.

You know?

And then they just bring a random reggae band on the stage.

[Laughter]

You ever think about that when you watch the movie?

- Well, I did, except I'm going to disagree with you.

I didn't think it looked that much

like Southern California. To me --

- No, I said they were trying to make it look

like Southern California.

- That's the key word right there.

- Yeah, I mean, apparently one of the reasons they decided

to put so many audience members in masks

is that they couldn't find enough white extras

to make it look like a typical

University of California branch campus.

You know, because it does say at the beginning

that it's in California, there is a sign that says that.

And yet they put the reggae music throughout the movie,

even though the movie was made 1991.

I mean, that's grunge.

They're in the grunge era, right?

They put the reggae song in. All right?

So, Jill, you have these intensely emotional scenes

with Tom Villard as Toby D'Amato.

- Yeah. - Alan Ormsby gave him the same

last name as Joe D'Amato, the director of

"Anthropophagous." and hundreds of other

Italian exploitation films that were known for having

the grizzliest special effects ever devised.

And I guess no one knew at the time

that you shot the movie that Tom had AIDS.

No, nobody shared that with me.

And, you know, when he die of AIDS

and just over the years,

fans -- and it's such a sensitive subject

because so many of our industry,

you know, the entire industry beyond just movie making,

but in the dance world and the music world,

so many people were dying, and it's so sensitive for me

still to talk about it because I get angry.

I get so angry at like all the --

that did not enough was done.

- Tom Villard, he was 37 when this movie was made.

He was born in Spencerport, New York,

which is a suburb of Rochester.

He dropped out of college so that he could move

to New York and New York City

and study at the Lee Strasberg.

He studied at the Lee Strasberg Studio

and the American Academy of Dramatic Arts.

He moved to L.A. in 1980.

He had been working a lot, mostly in television,

and he died at age 40.

But as I pointed out before,

he did 13 projects after this movie.

So in those last two years, he did 13 projects,

including roles on "Who's the Boss", "Baywatch",

"Golden Girls", "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine".

And he was in that big budget comedy,

"My Girl", so apparently had a very optimistic view of life.

- He did. I mean, he was -- I mean,

he appeared -- I didn't really know any of the actors

very well, you know, because I jumped into it.

And at the end of the day, I went to my hotel.

But he was always on set, just so pleasant

and an extremely optimistic person

and well-prepared, always so prepared

and just a lovely human being.

- Okay, now tell me if I got this right about the plot.

- Yeah. - 15 years ago,

your mother was killed in the fire when Lanyard Gates

- showed "Possessor." - Yes.

- And supposedly killed his family.

That's right.

- But really, it was your aunt, your mom's sister,

who shot Lanyard Gates with a gun

and set the theater on fire with you in it

and burned Toby's face off.

- This sounds like a clue, a version of Clue, the game.

- Well, Toby got his face off in this fire, and.

And his mom was killed.

So he killed both of your mom. But you survived.

And your aunt's survived, which is Dee Wallace.

- Yeah. - And Dee Wallace pretended

- to be your mom ever since then. - [Laughs]

So I guess you were like,

"Yeah, you sort of look like my mom."

[Laughter]

"I guess you are my mom, right?"

I mean, they're asking us to believe that you --

the moms were switched at the time of the fire.

- Okay. - In your mind.

- This is what I'm thinking happened.

- Okay, tell me. Tell me. I'm all ears.

I want to know.

- I think, like many people go through

when you go through a trauma,

- Yeah. - ...out goes the memory.

- Right? - Okay.

- She just was so young that she didn't have any memory.

She went through trauma.

- How old are you supposed to be in the movie?

- Well, I think there's like, a scene with her.

She looks around 4 or 5 years old.

Okay.

- That's what it looked like to me. I don't remember.

So 4 or 5 years old.

You just don't remember what your mom looks like exactly.

[Laughter]

- And you have a new mom. - Trauma.

- I'm going with the trauma thing.

That was always your mom?

And since Toby's mom died in the fire

and he had his face burned off,

he's been building his Toby face every day

before he goes out of the house.

Every day before he goes out the house,

he builds a new face.

- That does seem a little farfetched.

I always thought that, too.

However, it's a movie.

- Yeah, but he's become so good at building his own face

that he can now build any face, so he can be any face, right?

- I guess that's true. In the film.

- And so he's going to kill you and you're a fake mom,

who is really your aunt because why?

[Laughter]

- I have to get over the fact that I'm being

killed right now.

- Okay, well, he's going to kill you, but your mom --

your mom is encased in plaster.

He wants revenge.

But that's not your mom.

- It's not my mom. - It's been established.

- All right. - This is confusing.

- Okay. All right. And one more question.

The guy who was doing the actual special effects makeup

- on the movie... - Yeah.

...was Bob Clark?

- But it was not the same Bob Clark.

Was there another guy on the movie

also named -- the special effects makeup

was pretty important on this movie.

- It was. - Was his name Bob Clark?

Or was that just Bob Clark taking credit

for the special effects?

[Laughter]

- Because -- Do you know?

- You're asking me questions over my pay grade.

Oh, okay. All right.

Well, I love the moment when Toby goes into

a psychotic rant and says, "I'm doing this so..."

He actually tries to explain why he's doing it, and he says,

"I'm doing this so my mother will come back to life."

And you say, "That makes perfect sense."

Oh, my God.

- And you do that totally straight.

You deliver that -- I believe you when

you say that line.

It's like I'm thinking, "Okay, she's playing him,

Or maybe she's so upset at the time.

She has compassion.

Oh, compassion for Toby.

- Empathy. I remember that moment.

You're, like, laughing about it. But I'm being totally serious.

- No, I like the moment. I like the moment, you know?

But, I mean, I think it's like

because he's so psychotic at that point,

that's all you can say, that's all you can say.

"You're making perfect sense."

- I think there are some people that look at

when somebody is having a psychotic break

and some people will go,

"They're having a psychotic --"

And somebody else will care about why they're having

a psychotic break.

Okay, so she cares.

- But I think sometimes when you're in a situation

where you truly are in danger,

like there's that calm element that comes over you,

that it's a survival thing.

- You know what to say because it's what you should say.

I don't know.

[Laughter]

- All right. - You're making perfect sense.

- Alright, thanks for being with us tonight, Jill.

You know, I can't believe you quit the business.

You quit the business in 1995 after a movie called

"Not Again!"

- Yeah, well -- Yeah, I quit. I mean --

You were just done with acting?

- When I -- I was fortunate by that time in my life

where I didn't have to work.

My husband was a film composer. We were doing quite nicely.

And so I was in a place in my life

where I felt like things that maybe not so good

things that had happened --

We won't go into them here.

[Laughter]

But like, some things maybe wouldn't have happened

had I had more parental...

you know, if my parents were around.

So I just -- the day I found out I was pregnant,

I called my agents within hours and said,

"I'm leaving the business" because I want it to be --

- You want to be there for your kids?

Here come the tears.

I wanted to be there for my children.

- Oh, well, that's -- I mean, that's a good reason to quit.

- No, I'm not. God, that sounded terrible.

That made it sound like a woman that goes to work

- isn't there -- - No, no, no, I don't mean that.

I mean, that's a good reason

to, like, you know, reorient at that point.

- I just wanted to be a stay at home mom

so that I would be there

for my kids where certain issues came up.

- Okay. - That's it.

- Do your kids watch your old movies?

- Um, well, I think my older son has seen a couple.

My younger one hasn't, except for "Popcorn",

the movie at hand.

And when he was a teenager, and I took him to

the Egyptian Theater because I was invited for a screening

and to do a Q&A, and people are, you know,

everyone's asking for autographs and pictures.

And after we left, three and a half hours later,

he was just quiet by my side.

But we rounded the corner, and he she said,

"Mom, what is wrong with those people?"

Why would anyone want your autograph?"

[Laughter]

- All right, we're going to go to the thrilling yet

kind of odd conclusion of "Popcorn."

But thank you so much, Jill.

And...

Yay!

Yay, Jill.

- Oh, all right. Roll it. You know.

- Oh. - Thank you.

Works every time.

You know, this was -- This was the first horror film

that was meta.

You know how they use that word "meta"?

They use that word "meta" to describe flicks

where the characters in the horror film

are talking about horror films in the film that they're in.

So only what's weird about this one

is that all these film students know about all the rules of

the 1950s and 1960s horror films,

but nothing about 1980s.

They're remarkably stupid about the events

happening to themselves in this slasher film.

You know, the '80s has just happened.

All the slasher films came out in the '80s.

This is in the early '90s.

So and it just plays like a straight slasher

after the slasher era is over.

Are you following this?

It's meta, but it's not meta. Okay.

[Laughter]

Sometimes I don't even know, you know,

while I'm talking about it, what I'm talking about.

Anyway, in other words, they don't know the slasher rules,

but they they do know the "Get Washington on the line"

rules of the 1950s.

You know, their '90s film students

who didn't watch the '80s films.

Okay, I'll stop.

That's true.

[Laughter]

- They're not pimp shoes. - They're pimp shoes.

No, they're not.

[Static crackles]

- Where the hell you been? Get the odor pellets.

- Okay. Which one goes first? I forgot.

- Body odor. - That's disgusting.

No, it's not B.O.

It's body odor as in the odor of a dead body.

Oh, much better.

Anyway, I want to get back to what I was saying.

- Yeah, just hold that thought, okay?

- I got to take a leak first. - We've got a cue coming up.

We got five minutes.

[Unzips]

[Sighs]

[Urinating, humming]

[Unzips]

[Urinating]

[Chuckles]

[Grunting]

[Coughs]

Hey! Hey!

Let me out!

This isn't funny!

[Sizzling]

Oh, shit!

No! Please, no!

[Gasps]

[Explosion]

Took you long enough.

- I had some gas. - Spare me the details.

Anyway, what do you think?

- About what? - Toby.

Does he like me?

Like you?

- What's wrong with your voice? You sound so weird.

I got a frog in my throat.

Sounds like a crocodile.

Anyway, I need to know.

I mean, I'm walking around madly in love with this guy,

and he just acts like I don't even exist.

You're impartial. What's your opinion?

Is he shy or what?

- Look, I've got my own problems! Just leave me alone, all right?

Men.

Admit it, you fucked up.

- Don't you -- I got -- I got problems of my own here!

Don't you -- don't you talk about love to me!

We're gonna make a movie here!

[Grunting]

[Whirring]

Come on, baby.

[Laughter]

Wait, it's getting stronger.

Ooh, my nose is burning!

- Well, I don't know what you're doing,

but I'm getting out of here.

- Good idea. Let's head for camp.

[Laughter]

[Coughs]

My lungs are burning!

Hey, my legs won't move!

I can't see! I can't see!

- Just a normal life, filled with normal happiness.

Hmm, normal sadness.

Normal family stuff.

Normal kids of my own.

Do you know how amazing normal stuff seems when

there's no chance you'll ever have it for yourself?

And whose fault was that, huh?

Whose fault was that, nasty Suzanne?

Nasty Suzanne and her nasty gun.

Bang, bang went nasty Suzanne.

Bang, bang went her nasty gun.

Well -- well, not this time, Ms. Pretty Skin.

Go ahead. Go ahead, try it, huh?

[Laughs]

No, huh? [Laughs] No.

I am so glad I cast you in this part.

[Laughs]

[Mumbling]

If you don't stop it soon,

there's no telling what might happen.

Hmm, I fear you are right.

Better get Tokyo on the line, pronto.

[Gasps]

Who the hell are you?

- I'm a friend of Toby's. Is he here?

If he was here, he'd be dead.

Look at this place.

You say you're a friend of his?

I ought to kill you.

Maybe that'd make me feel a little better.

- What did he do? - What did he do?

What the hell did he do?

Jesus Christ, what the hell didn't he do?

The guy's a goddamn lunatic.

Should've thrown his ass out six months ago.

Yelling and screaming all night long at the top of his lungs.

Never let anybody in the place.

Oh, I only wonder why. Look at all this shit.

- What? - The goddamn smell.

- I mean, it's just-- - Oh, my God.

- It was like some chemical smell.

I had to break the goddamn door down to get in here

- because the tub overflowed... - Oh, no.

- ...and it flooded the apartment downstairs.

You know -- you know what he's got in that tub?

He's got -- he's got things that look like human skulls and --

and body parts.

Probably some -- some kind of Jack the Ripper or something.

Ah, son of a bitch.

What are you doing?

Just say yes.

Toby!

- Anyway, that's what I got to say about him.

Yeah, look at that. The guy can't paint either.

Isn't that a real piece of crap there?

Hey!

That's Gloria Gates!

I did a picture with her.

You a director?

Hey, listen, you a director?

I-I'm an actor.

You wanna take a picture or résumé?

Well, how about we do lunch?

[Humming, crowd laughing]

- It came from outer space. We know that now.

We must be ever vigilant and never rest.

Keep our eyes on the heavens, or the stench will --

- ♪ Let's all go to the lobby and have ourselves a treat ♪

Into the shelter.

This place can only be avoided if we can get to the --

Come on!

[Crowd booing]

I am the possessor.

Who put this junk on?

Where's Toby? Do something!

- Do what? - The projection booth!

[Crowd booing]

Yeah, it stinks, doesn't it?

Ooh, I hate this movie!

Yeah, thumbs down on this movie.

Ooh, I hate this movie.

Hate this movie! Ugh!

Get this movie off the screen!

Hey, fix your makeup, dude.

Yeah, yours is a bitch, too.

Get it on! Get on with this movie!

- Okay. Okay, this should stop it.

It's not stopping.

Cheryl, make it stop!

- What do you want me to do, stick my hand in it?

- Stop! - Sweet, dreamy Sarah.

You've stolen my heart.

Oh, what have we here?

Oh, I hope I got your size.

And you thought Iron Maiden was a heavy metal band.

[Rattling]

I am so glad that you have finally remembered

everything because, you know, with --

without memory, there can be no retribution.

Open up!

Shit.

[Crowd booing]

Ah.

- Lovely. - No.

Now, are we finally ready?

Can we shoot this thing?

Lights.

Camera.

Toby.

Action.

No.

[Crowd clamoring]

No, Toby.

[Thud]

[Crowd clamoring]

Help me, please!

Please help!

He's gonna kill me.

- [Cheers and applause] - This isn't a joke!

Help me! He's not kidding.

- Yes, yes, yes. I was gonna kill the wench.

- Please, this is real! - But not, dear friends...

- This isn't a joke! Please! - ...without the approval...

...and the approbation of you, my audience.

- My heart, my soul... - No!

- ...my sustenance. [Laughs]

[Cheers and applause]

So, so, shall we kill her?

Or -- or shall we spare this maiden?

Toby, please stop!

- Show mercy to the tender virgin?

Please, Toby, no!

- [Cheers and applause] - No!

No! He's going to kill me!

[Laughs] Yes! Yes!

All right, then.

Then the fatal stroke

shall fall exactly at the stroke of midnight.

Shall we count it down together? 30 seconds to go.

Are you ready?

[Cheers and applause]

All right!

- 30, 29, 28, -27, 26...

No!

25, 24, 23...

22, 21, 20...

- Don't! - Maggie!

19, 18, 17, 16...

Mark!

15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10...

nine, eight, seven...

six, five, four...

- Ah! - ...three, two, one...

Aaah!

[Cheers and applause]

No! No, you're ruining it!

[Cheers and applause]

You'll ruin it! No!

No! You're ruining it! No!

[Screams]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cheers and applause]

- [Siren wails] - And that's all I know.

It's okay.

- [Sobs] - It's okay.

- I'll see you in a little while, okay?

Okay.

- I was a pretty lame hero, I guess.

No, you were great.

God, you looked just like Indiana Jones

coming down that wire.

More like George of the Jungle.

[Laughs] Did you hear me?

Another movie.

Everything is a movie to me.

- Yeah, well, let's -- let's make the next one a comedy, okay?

Would you hold me?

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

- ♪ Scary, scary movies on the silver screen ♪

♪ Make me shake, make me sweat, you know the kind I mean ♪

♪ Scorched hairs, nightmares, the innocent possessed ♪

♪ Raging fires, vampires ♪

♪ Creepy crawly, bug-infested eyeballs from outer space ♪

♪ Corpses come to life ♪

♪ Schizophrenic maniac attacking with a bloody knife ♪

♪ Inside his creepy coat ♪

♪ He's got a blade that's two feet long ♪

♪ Pierces through his lovely wife ♪

♪ He bids the bitch, "So long" ♪

[Laughs]

I love it.

- ♪ Scary, scary movies on the silver screen ♪

♪ Aliens and maniacs, tarantulas and brainiacs ♪

♪ You know the kind I mean ♪

- I still have a little time to kill.

♪ Dudes with buzzing chainsaws, massacred the place ♪

♪ Sleepwalking on a coffin, corpse's bloody face ♪

♪ Bloodsucking insects hanging from a rope ♪

♪ Gotta read a ten on the Shock-O-Scope ♪

- Ah, bad. - We're talkin' bad.

We're talkin' rad.

- ♪ We're takin' mad, mad scientists ♪

♪ Frankenstein's brains ♪

♪ Schizophrenic general and his paranoid plan ♪

♪ Zombies throwing masquerades make me scream and yell ♪

♪ Monsters big as houses, demon lords from hell ♪

Die.

♪ Scary, scary movies on the silver screen ♪

♪ Aliens and maniacs, tarantulas and brainiacs ♪

♪ You know the kind I mean ♪

♪ No fakin', I'm shakin' ♪

♪ No fakin', I'm shakin' ♪

♪ 12:00 midnight on the shock clock ♪

♪ Want to scream so bad, but I can't even talk ♪

♪ Head is spinning faster, pounding hearts aflutter ♪

♪ So damn scared I'm s-starting to s-s-s-stutter ♪

Ooh.

- ♪ Scary, scary movies on the silver screen ♪

♪ Make me shake, make me sweat, you know the kind I mean ♪

♪ Heart screams, all the dreams, sharp fear of dread ♪

♪ Zombie on the left, stuck behind my bed ♪

♪ Scary scary movies, making me obsessed ♪

♪ Love those scary movies ♪

♪ Scary, scary movies, man, they are just the best ♪

- ♪ Scary, scary movies ♪ - Huh!

- ♪ Scary, scary movies ♪ - Huh, huh, huh!

♪ Scary, scary movies ♪

- Whoo, yeah! - ♪ Scary, scary movies ♪

- Shock-O-Scope.

Ooh.

A human skull.

Now you're talkin'.

- Probably some -- some kind of Jack the Ripper.

♪ But you can't come in ♪

- Get Washington on the phone, pronto.

Nerves.

- Uh-huh.

Yeah.

♪ This is scary ♪

- Warning -- do not open.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Pocomania Day ♪

♪ So then come, come and turn your roller ♪

♪ Hot, we hot, yes, we cold in the water ♪

♪ Come on this and mice of the sea ♪

♪ Then taka-taka on your tambourine ♪

♪ Beat the drum pass, word to your mi ♪

[Singing in native language]

♪ One more thing I want to let you know ♪

♪ There's a meeting here tonight ♪

♪ So, come and dine, ah ♪

♪ Come and jump with me ♪

♪ And make me feel all right ♪

♪ So, think it over before you go ♪

♪ Think it over before you walk away and leave me here ♪

♪ To jump revival in a lonely way ♪

♪ On Pocomania Day ♪

♪ Think it over before you go ♪

♪ Think it over before you walk away and leave me here ♪

♪ To jump revival ♪

[Static crackles]

- Okay, so the reason Toby dies is that Mark

zip lines from the second balcony into a pile of boxes,

obviously missing his intended target,

setting off a chain reaction

that releases the artificial mosquito,

which swings down to the stage on a wire and impales Toby.

So the final girl doesn't kill him.

And the final boyfriend of the final girl doesn't kill him.

Faulty tech maintenance kills him.

Strange little movie.

And the only reason Mark goes to Toby's house

and figures out the truth of what happened 15 years ago

in the first place is that he thinks

Maggie and Toby are making out there?

[Laughter]

I mean, also, wouldn't he have to do a lot of intensive reading

of all those newspaper articles that are tacked up on

Toby's wall in order to figure out the whole complicated story?

I mean, he barely glances at those articles.

All right.

I'm going to try to give the production history of "Popcorn"

as well as I've been able to put it together.

It started with a very basic script

by a guy named Gary Goch.

He brought the idea to Bob Clark.

He knew Bob Clark because Gary Goch's parents

were the people who put up the money

for Bob Clark's first film,

"Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things",

which was co-written with Alan Ormsby 20 years ago.

So Clark calls up Ormsby after after he gets this Goch idea,

and he asks Ormsby if he wants to redo the script

for Goch's idea because Clark thinks he can raise money

for this idea.

Ormsby starts toiling away on the script.

He writes the slasher story.

He writes the story for each of the movies within the movie.

He writes "Mosquito", which is like

a William Alland movie, like "Tarantula"

or "The Praying Mantis,"

or maybe a Bert I. Gordon movie like "Empire of the Ants"

or "Earth Versus the Spider."

And then he follows that up with "Electrified Man",

which is like an American International Pictures movie

from the '50s or '60s movie like

"I was a Teenage Werewolf" or "War of the Colossal Beast."

The third movie he comes up with is "The Stench",

which is like a dubbed Japanese film from the heyday of

Toho Studios.

He also writes "The Possessor", the movie made by

the acid dropping hippie Lanyard Gates

that has kind of a Mario Bava feel to it.

And so, meanwhile, Bob Clark is raising the money

for the project, and somehow he gets it financed by

money people who want to bring film production to Jamaica.

All right, just as an aside, I've been around long enough

to watch every single island in the Caribbean

try to establish a film industry at one time or another.

They have all failed. I'm not sure why.

Anyway, Alan Ormsby flies to Jamaica.

He starts making the movie.

And he starts with the most difficult part.

He makes the movies within the movie,

and it takes a long time to do those.

And all this time, the money people with the Jamaican ties

are getting restless.

So after about a month of shooting,

the main guy, Torben Johnke,

a Danish cinematographer who spent most of his career

shooting commercials, he calls up Bob Clark and says,

"This is not working. I don't like the lead actress.

It's taking way too long."

And it was taking such a long time

because Ormsby was doing the hardest part first.

I always tell young directors never do that.

Always choose scenes and sequences you can shoot fast

the first week so that you get enough film in the can

that they can't fire you.

Anyway, Alan Ormsby failed to get that message.

So Johnke tells Bob Clark,

"You have to fire the lead actress and fire the director,

or else we're going to pull the plug on the money."

And Clark says, "Don't pull the plug."

And he goes in, and he does the dirty work,

including telling his good friend of 20 years

that he has to leave the project.

Now, why doesn't Bob Clark just step in and direct?

We'll never know for sure because he's dead.

But what he did do is he brought in Mark Herrier,

Billy in "Porky's", on 24-hour notice.

He hadn't even read the script.

He gave him two hours to look at the dailies,

dailies he would end up reshooting.

And then he then he hired Jill Schoelen

based on her reputation alone.

And by the way, Amy O'Neill, the actress who was fired,

she was a hot actress at the time.

She had been the daughter of Rick Moranis

in "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids."

She was also in the sequel to that.

She had a long stint on "The Young and the Restless."

She guest starred on all the major TV shows

throughout the '80s and '90s.

It's weird that if they wanted a different performance,

they didn't just tell her,

"Hey, we need you to interpret the role differently."

At any rate, they didn't do that.

They put her on a plane.

They brought in Jill Schoelen.

They left poor Mark Herrier to work with cinematographer

Ronnie Taylor.

This is the best part of the story.

Ronnie Taylor was a cinematographer,

and he was not only

Dario Argento's cameraman, but he was

Richard Attenborough's cameraman.

He's the guy who shot "Gandhi."

So my only point about this is you don't tell Ronnie Taylor

where to put the camera, you know?

So Billy from "Porky's" is not going to tell Ronnie Taylor

how to do the DP job.

Adding to the chaos was that they made a distribution deal

with a brand new company called Studio Three,

which was owned by two executives

from the recently bankrupt New World Pictures.

And Studio Three planned a big marketing campaign

directed at teenagers

only to be slapped with an "R" rating by the MPAA.

So the picture opens in a thousand theaters nationwide

and totally bombs, and Studio Three

half ass released one more movie and then went out of business.

Now -- and the other movie, by the way,

also starred Jill Schoelen.

The only actor who got a good review for "Popcorn"

was Bruce Glover as the condemned man

who goes to the electric chair and becomes the electrified man.

Mark Herrier retired from the director's chair

and went back to his distinguished acting career.

He's still going strong.

He plays a Captain Dennis Cooper

on the Amazon series "Bosch."

Alan Ormsby, after this,

wrote a hit movie called "The Substitute",

and then he retired from the business in 2002.

Amy O'Neill literally joined the circus.

She has gone all over the world

doing a show called "Girls on Stilts."

And the Ward Theater in Kingston, Jamaica,

which briefly became the Dreamland Theater for "Popcorn",

returned to its former status

and is still kind of a derelict property today.

It's still standing, but it's rarely used.

Officially, it's under renovation.

Okay, Darcy, I know you're the number one fan of "Popcorn."

Thanks for sitting in on the Jill Schoelen interview.

- Oh, my God. It was easy. We totally bonded.

Girl stuff, right?

You have those "aren't men horrible" talks all the time.

Yeah, we totally do.

- If men have "Aren't women horrible" talks,

they have to be sneaky about it.

I'm sure men do the same thing.

- Now, we're not allowed to because remember when

Dabney Coleman was the marriage counselor

- on "Saturday Night Live"? - No.

- I think I think they did that a couple times.

And he would say, "Sweetheart, sit your fat butt down

and listen to your husband."

- And you thought that was just hysterical.

- Well, it was because he was saying things

that you're never allowed to say unless you're female.

Don't even go there.

- Anyway, great job on the girl bonding interview.

Thanks, I think.

- No, seriously, I couldn't have done the girl bonding thing.

Would you like the next letter?

I promise it's not sappy at all.

- Okay, good. - All right.

You're learning.

- It is from Mickey Colifer, perhaps,

of Columbia, Missouri.

All right.

"Hey, Joe Bob, I saw in the "Slaughterhouse"

episode that the main character of the Pig Man

is from Moberly, Missouri.

I'm actually Miss Moberly 2014."

- Yay! - "And I competed at

Miss Missouri.

I watched the episode with my dad,

and we are trying to hunt down more information about that guy.

All the searches we find only say he is just from Missouri.

Can you help us with some more information

or where you found that he was from Moberly.

Thanks, Mickey Colifer, horror lover and pageant queen,

originally from Moberly, now in Columbia, Missouri."

All right, thanks for the support,

Mickey's and Mickey's dad.

There's only one place that information could have

come from, and that's from Rick Roessler,

the director of "Slaughterhouse",

who was the closest person to Joe Barton,

who played Buddy Bacon, the killer pig boy in the movie.

And if you get the "Slaughterhouse" DVD,

I'm pretty sure he talks about Joe growing up on a farm

outside of Moberly on the commentary track

of that DVD.

They didn't know when they hired him that he had actual

experience working with pigs, but he was a pure-D farm boy.

But "Slaughterhouse" was made in 1986.

So if he went to high school in Moberly,

it would have been in the early '70s.

So look in the Moberly High yearbook

for like 1971 through 1974, see if his picture's in there.

But remember, he lived out on the farm,

so he might have gone to a school

somewhere else in Randolph County.

So congratulations on being Miss Moberly.

And were you ever in a beauty pageant, Darcy?

- Are you kidding me? I hate being judged like that.

- I think they got rid of the swimsuit competition

in Miss America for that very reason.

You know, the contestants -- it's considered body shaming.

It totally is.

- And even if your body is perfect, it's considered --

- What is perfect? That's such a man thing.

- Okay, you told me not to go there, so I'm not going there.

- Good. - And that's it for me,

Joe Bob Briggs, and Darcy the Mail Girl,

wishing you a happy Halloween and reminding you,

especially if you're planning to consume some Celtic mead

this year, I want to remind you of the first law of drunkenness.

You can't fall off the floor.

And the drive in will never die.

- So, Darcy. - Yes?

If I make you laugh,

can I get a little applause?

[Laughs]

If you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

And I get some applause if I make you laugh?

Go for it.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Stand up. - Well.

- Okay, these are Halloween jokes.

Okay.

- What do you call an annoying pumpkin?

I don't know.

- A jackass-o-lantern.

[Laughter]

- No applause, okay. - No applause.

- Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

I don't know.

- No, they eat the fingers separately.

[Laughter]

Mm. No.

- What do you call a Democratic skeleton from Vermont?

I don't know.

"Boney" Sanders.

Oh, no, no.

No.

Okay.

How do housebound people visit graveyards on Halloween?

I don't know.

They log on to MySpace.

[Chuckles]

Tough audience!

All right.

What did Dracula's girlfriend and a bad boxer have in common?

I don't know.

- They both go down for the count.

[Laughter]

- All right. - All right.

Oh, okay!

[Applause]

All right. I just had to find the right joke genre.

You know, how do skeletons make babies?

- Shouldn't you quit while you're ahead?

- How does skeletons make babies?

They bone.

[Laughter]

Oh, this is a pity flash.

[Applause]

- Outstanding. Okay. Thank you, Darcy.

You're welcome.

- ♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

- ♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

- ♪ We are not like other people ♪

- ♪ We are sick ♪ - ♪ Sick ♪

- ♪ We are disgusting ♪ - ♪ Disgusting ♪

- ♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ Breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

- ♪ We'd be off the scale ♪ - ♪ Off the scale ♪

- ♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

- ♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

- ♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪