Original subtitles

♪♪

- ♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪♪

[Thunder crashing]

[Evil laughter]

[Static]

- Darcy, stop smirking. - I'm sorry.

- This is serious. Have some dignity.

This is Halloween. This is our Super Bowl.

Alright, Darcy, when I name the item,

you assure me that it's here.

Right, boss.

- Jack-o-lanterns?

- They're here. - Yeah, okay.

- [Laughs] - Uh, bats?

- Yo. - Alright.

- Ghosts? - There.

- You know why I'm doing this, don't you?

- Because you're anal. [Laughter]

Because we suck at Halloween.

Every year we try to do Halloween

and every year it's pathetic.

We are leaving no patch of cursed Earth unturned this year.

So, you made a list?

That's your plan for doing Halloween right?

- Yes, I made a list of every possible Halloween icon,

and I trust that we have some simulacrum of that icon

somewhere here on the premises.

- Simulacrum? - Yes.

Some made in China, marvel of technology,

like that skeleton driving a truck

snow globe thing over there.

So -- And oh, yeah, that's -- that's one of the items.

Skeletons.

- Are you asking me? - Yes.

Do we have skeletons?

He's driving a truck,

- Okay, skeleton. [Laughter]

Um, thank you. Witches?

Witches.

Okay.

Black cats?

Behind the witch.

Okay.

Uh, skulls?

Several.

Alright.

Uh, spiders?

Between my boobs.

- Oh, right. Yeah. - [Chuckles]

- Okay, yeah. N-Nice Elvira package that she got.

Oh, my God, I love her.

- Well, she's not here, however,

Cassandra Peterson, who created Elvira

and lived inside Elvira skin for many years is here tonight.

- I know, and that is insanely amazing.

But I notice that you have ketchup on your hot dog suit.

- Yes, Darcy, because Halloween costumes must be horrifying.

So if you buy the high end hot dog costume at Party City

or even the low end hot dog costume on Amazon

or really any hot dog costume, it comes with mustard

because that's what you put on a hot dog.

So in order to be horrifying,

I painted the mustard red to make it look

like somebody put ketchup on a hot dog.

- That's exactly what should be on a hot dog.

- We discussed this at Memorial Day.

We put it to a vote, you lost.

- Every hot dog has to have ketchup.

You look delectable.

Disembodied limbs?

- I...know we have a hand somewhere.

- I think I see something fleshy over there.

- I need hands, legs, elbows, knees, feet.

I need all of it.

I'll get back to you on that.

- Darcy, we have no time to dawdle.

- I will make sure there are many body parts all over the set.

- Okay, that's the spirit. Alright.

Black cats?

You already said that one.

Oh, maybe I have it twice.

Were those stuffed black cats or live black cats?

I think we have both.

- Okay, because we're not --

we're not messing around here, Darcy.

- I know. - Um, candy corn?

- That's an item on your scary list?

Candy corn is terrifying.

I love candy corn.

- Do we have candy corn on the premises?

- I actually have not seen any candy corn.

- Once again, we have failed our public.

- Because we don't have candy corn?

Yes, candy corn is iconic

and can very easily make you sick,

so it's the ultimate Halloween candy.

- I will make sure that we send out for candy corn.

- You can't send out for candy corn.

You can send out for anything.

There. [Cellphone chimes]

Candy corn is on the way. I just did it.

- You do not have a candy corn app on your phone.

- I will explain it to you later.

What else is on your list?

Um, the Grim Reaper.

- Uh, I think it him back, yeah, back there.

Alright. Coffins?

Definitely.

Uh, pitchforks?

- [Singsong] Ta-da.

- Alright. Um, cauldrons?

- Well, what exactly do you mean by cauldrons?

- Bubbling cauldrons of boiling oil.

- Well, we have a cauldron, but no oil.

- How can we possibly do Halloween

without bubbling cauldrons of boiling oil?

- I'll get the coffee pot and we'll improvise.

- You know, I don't like skimping on cauldrons.

- We will have full fledged cauldrons.

Don't worry about it.

Candy apples?

Done.

- Candy apples are the most iconic Halloween treat.

- I thought candy corn was the most iconic Halloween treat?

- No, candy corn is vile. [Laughter]

- Candy corn is delicious. - No.

If it's delicious, why do they only give it to --

out at Halloween to clueless kids in elementary school

who will eat anything?

What is your point?

- I'm team caramel apple. That's why we need the --

We will vote later.

- Alright. Mexican skull?

You already said that one.

No, I said skulls.

But I want some of those colored, bug eyed,

crazy ass skulls from Guadalajara.

- We have those? - We have one.

Only one?

Maybe more?

Oh, God.

You know, the last time we tried to do Mexican Halloween --

- Za-za-za-za-za.

You should not call it Mexican Halloween.

- Why? - What you were trying to do

Days of the Dead on the wrong day.

- Well, okay, if it's not Mexican Halloween, what do you call it?

I mean, whatever we were trying to do?

- Besides, Mexican Halloween is a kinky sex act.

[Laughter]

- Really? - I'll tell you about it later.

- Mexican Hal--

You're always going to tell me later.

You know, I can't believe that you forgot candy corn.

There is only one reason

I think we might have a good Halloween this year.

That's because our special guest is the Mistress of the Dark,

or at least she portrays the Mistress of the Dark.

- I cannot wait. - And in the meantime,

I'm going to go ahead and introduce the movie, and --

Are we done with your list?

- Well, I still have question marks by candy corn

and Mexican skulls.

- I'm on it. - Alright.

That's why you're the mail girl of mail girls.

And Darcy the Mail Girl, ladies and gentlemen.

- Yay. - She will be fielding your

tweets, your emails, your instants, your TikToks.

She'll be here all night at your service

explaining the ins and outs of Mexican Halloween.

[Laughter]

- But right now... - Yeah.

- .we're heading over the Carpathian Mountains

into Transylvania for the 2002 insider parody

of all the Roger Corman, Vincent Price,

Edgar Allan Poe movies

and the Hammer films, actually, of the '60s.

You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about "Elvira's Haunted Hills,"

the movie where Elvira and her abused servant

are on the way to -- on their way to Paris in 1851

so Elvira can perform her cabaret show.

Yes, I can-can.

When they are swept into the into an aristocratic coach

by a suave doctor and taken to a haunted castle

where Elvira turns out to be the exact double of the recently

deceased wife of an aristocratic doofus

played by Riff Raff from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show,"

leading to a series of double crosses,

resulting in Elvira being strapped to a slab

with a giant pendulum knife descending

toward her heaving bazoomas while a hunky stable boy

straight out of the Gold's Gym deltoid jamboree

pounds on the secret door to the hidden dungeon.

Sure, we've seen it before, but have we seen it

with a three-minute musical production number

that concludes with Elvira's buttocks

thrust into the frigid air of Romania?

I think not.

Yes, they actually traveled to Romania to make this movie,

resulting in the following drive-in totals.

10 dead bodies, 1 analog bubble-bath,

1 elaborate can-can interlude featuring a song

about being bound and gagged and juggling balls,

if you know what I mean and I think you do.

2 groin-kicking beatdowns, 1 zombie,

Whips, chains, bricks, sausage chomping,

grinding and clinking, nightgown torching,

multiple aardvarking, staircase plunging,

open-grave plunging, face licking, head pounding,

boob groping, live burial, random strangulation,

multiple fainting spells, multiple coughing fits,

cliff dangling, boob plunging,

boob dragging, tower plunging,

gruel slopping, knees slinging,

grave digging, castle sinking,

gratuitous random screaming,

gratuitous boogie woogie,

gratuitous white mouse,

gratuitous wolf, howl gratuitous raven cawing

head rolls, choking fu,

fast motion fu, makeup case fu,

doorknob fu. lightning fu,

fire poker fu, earthquake fu,

iron maiden fu,

chamberpot ewww fu,

and of course, cleavage fu.

Driving-In Academy Award nominations

for Cassandra Peterson as Elvira for saying

"that's quite a big hammer You're swinging there,

and in a double role as Elura, the suicidal countess.

Mary Jo Smith as a maidservant

with a voluminous storage area in her bra,

who is sometimes used as a pack animal by Elvira

but ends up squeaking in a sewer cage.

Scott Atkinson As Dr. Bradley Bradley,

the sophisticated psychiatrist who tells charming dinner

table stories about patients whose ears fall off.

Richard O'Brien as Lord Hellsubus,

the demented aristocratic sissy who runs the castle.

Heather Hopper as Lady Roxana, the fainting niece.

Gabi Andronache as Adrian,

the pistol polishing stable stud

who says "Elvira, you are as generous as you are beautiful."

The Russian State Cinema Symphony orchestra

for providing a wall to wall dramatic score.

And Sam Ervin, the director,

for doing things the drive-in way.

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

And...

we're going to do this, right?

We're going to stay on track with Halloween tonight, right?

- Yeah. What are you worried about?

- Well, we always get mail from people saying,

you know, "That was not a Halloween movie."

"You have no idea what Samhain is,"

or Sawhain. [Laughter]

Samhain, Sawhain.

- Everyone celebrates Halloween in a different way.

- You know what I think I'll do this year?

I'm going to give Halloween tips at every break.

[Laughter]

Don't do that.

- Why not? You know what I'm going to say?

Why are you saying don't do it when haven't even said --

I have an idea.

Alright, well...

I have an idea.

- No, you don't. You have no idea.

[Laughter]

- Okay, then what are you going to say?

I'm going to say things like,

if you're planning to throw any rotten eggs this year

because, you know, sometimes you don't just TP the yard.

You follow up with some, you know, rotten eggs.

- Yeah, this is exactly why I said this was a bad idea.

No, just listen.

People don't let their eggs get rotten

because you can keep eggs in the fridge for like six weeks.

They're still good.

You got to set them outside in the sun for two

full weeks before Halloween.

You got to be prepared because they're much eekier

when you do that.

- Are you proud of yourself? - Yeah.

- Halloween tip, people overlook the simple things.

Don't just throw eggs, throw rotten eggs,

keep up the old, ancient Halloween traditions.

This stuff goes back to the ancient Gaelic.

The ancient Gaelic what?

- The ancient Gaelic tradition of egging on Samhain or Sawhain

- You don't even know what you're saying.

- Yeah, no, there was a there was a village in Argyll

where they had a lot of chickens

that we get sick every October.

Happened seven years in a row,

and they discovered that if they took the eggs

from the sick chickens

and they hurled them at straw huts,

it's what they called abodes of wattles and clay,

they would hurl these eggs and the plague

would disappear from the coop and the roosters would become

much more vigorous and the plague would be over.

- I'm not sure if I should believe you or not.

- No, the village was called Butedale.

It sits athwart the river Soren.

- Athwart? - Yes.

Half the village is on the east side of the river Soren,

the other half the village

is on the west side of the river Soren.

It's close to the source of [indistinct],

and that's where the tradition started.

- And this is something that really happened?

- Would a man dressed like a hot dog lie about rotten eggs?

Yes.

[Laughter]

You almost bought it.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

No. No!

Help me!

Help!

♪♪

No, no, no, no!

No, no!

[Gasping]

♪♪

No!

No! What do you think you're doing?!

No!

No!

No! No!

No!

Help me!

Please, please!

[Screaming]

[Gasps]

[Sighs]

[Banging on door]

[Gasps]

- It's after checkout time! I want my money!

- [French accent] Mistress, the innkeeper!

He wants to be paid.

[Groans]

Honey, when I spend the night in a man's room,

he better pay me.

I want my money!

- Zou Zou, just go back to sleep, would ya?

[Banging continues]

What's he gonna do, kill us?

- [Grunts] - [Gasps]

- [Door crashes] - [Gasps]

Here's Johan!

[Both screaming]

Give me the money!

Now!

[Both panicking]

I want my money!

Give me the money!

[Both grunting]

♪♪

- [Screams] [Body thuds]

[Groans]

[Ducks quacking]

- Oops. - Now I got you!

[Door crashes]

Come back here!

[Indistinct shouting]

Pay me the money!

♪♪

- Hey! - [Gasps]

[Boing!]

♪♪

- Hurry, Mistress! - Get up!

♪♪

Go on, go on!

I'm coming down for you, eh?

I want my money!

[Panting]

Ooh!

♪♪

[Wolves howling]

You getting tired, Zou Zou?

- [Exhales sharply] No, Mistress.

- Well, I am. Pull over.

[Birds cawing]

[Panting]

- Zou Zou, I thought I told you to pay that inn creep.

- With what, Mistress, my good looks?

- Well, you got a point there, girlfriend.

But, I mean, couldn't you have done

something to pay for our room?

You know, wash dishes, dug ditches?

Oui, Mistress, you are right.

- I mean, Zou Zou, you should be grateful to do any labor,

no matter how menial, because I can't.

I am a professional entertainer,

and I have to save every ounce of my strength for my audience.

[Insects chirping, birds cawing]

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

Any more of that blood sausage left?

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

- Hmm. This sausage is good.

Too bad you're on a diet.

I am?

- Oh, but wait... [Horse whinnies]

Oh, oh!

Ooh!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Uh, did you call a cab?

♪♪

Uh -- Uh, hold on there, baldy.

Hold it just a minute.

♪♪

I -- I -- I, uh...

♪♪

You forgot my makeup case.

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

Oh.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

[Chuckles]

Hello.

May I offer you ladies a ride?

- Well... - Oui, oui, we'd love a ride.

Oh.

[Laughs] It depends.

Where ya headed, sailor?

- I'm traveling north to visit a client.

Perhaps I could offer you and your servant a nice lodging.

That is, of course, unless you've made other arrangements.

- Well -- - Other arrangements?

Well, no, no, we do not have -- [Thud]

- Oof! - [Laughs]

[Wolves howling]

Well, then, shall we go?

Please.

♪♪

My name is Dr. Bradley.

Dr. Bradley Bradley.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Your mother must have thought you looked so nice,

she named you twice.

[Laughs]

[Horse whinnies]

Ah.

[Clears throat]

Elvira's the name, showbiz the game.

Oh. [Chuckles]

I'm just in the process of fulfilling

my lifelong dream of opening

in a world-renowned Parisian revue.

I know.

- You do? - But of course.

Your reputation precedes you.

- Oh, damn, I hate when that happens.

Uh, I don't owe you any money, do I?

Good Lord, no.

I found your play bill in the village.

- Oh. [Horse whinnies]

Yes, of course.

- And I must say, it's quite a titillating image.

- Yes, it is quite a good likeness, isn't it?

Quite.

♪♪

[Horse whinnies]

♪♪

Oh!

♪♪

- So, what kind of medicine man are you, man?

I am a psychiatrist.

- Oh, great! 'Cause my feet are killing me.

♪♪

Charming.

♪♪

Hm!

- I say, perhaps we could arrange for a private performance.

♪♪

- [Grunts] - Oh!

Lucky for you, I come equipped with my own airbags.

[Muffled] I beg your pardon?

- [Pop!] - [Gasps]

[Horse whinnies]

I'm so looking forward to the next bump.

- Oh! - [Groans]

- Uh, thanks for the...lift, Doc,

but I really gotta get going, you know?

Nobody told me this was gonna be Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

♪♪

[Screams] [Horses neighing]

[Gasping]

♪♪

[Screaming]

Oh, my God!

Help me! Help!

[Grunting]

Oh, oh!

♪♪

Oh, ow, ooh, ah!

[Panting]

♪♪

[Bangs on roof]

- I say, coachman, are you making out all right up there?

[Both moaning, horse whinnies]

Coachman!

[Sinister music plays]

♪♪

[Thunder crashing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Howl hooting]

Welcome to Castle Hellsubus.

Hm, cheery.

[Thunder rumbling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Rhythmic knocking]

[Door creaks]

[Screaming]

♪♪

Lady Hellsubus,

allow me to present Elvira.

Charmed, I think.

Please, forgive me, Madam.

It's just that you --

You -- you...

Me, me, what?

You look pretty.

Please, come in.

Oof!

- The lady and her servant will be spending the night.

Very well.

I'll have the maid prepare the rooms.

I trust that your stay here will be...

comfortable, madam.

- Your cloak, ma'am. [Bats screeching]

Your gloves, ma'am.

Your shoes, ma'am.

Hold it right there.

I mean, I usually get paid for this sort of thing.

- You know, when I take a -- - If you please, ma'am.

I am afraid it is imperative.

You see, my husband, he suffers from an acute affliction

of the hearing.

Sounds that seem commonplace to you

or to I cut into his head like knives!

- Are you sure it's not just some kind of kinky foot thing?

The shoes, if you please.

Ooh!

[Vase rattles]

[Vase shatters]

[Grunts]

[Boing!]

[Cat screeches]

[Sighs]

[Grunts]

[Dishes clatter]

- Zou Zou? - Oh!

Would you help me?

- [Grunts] - Oh!

[Gong rings]

- Lady Hellsubus, would you mind informing

Lord Hellsubus that he has a guest?

Something tells me he's already figured that out.

[Armor clatters]

[Sloop!]

♪♪

♪♪

Ooh, a piano bar!

♪♪

[Playing upbeat music on piano]

♪♪

Stop!

[Music stops]

No more, please!

Oh, jeez, everybody's a critic.

[Thunder rumbles]

Elvira, allow me to present

Lord Vladimere Hellsubus.

- Enchanté. [Whistle!]

Ow! Hey, we haven't even met yet!

Oh, sorry.

Hey, nice jacket.

Who shot the stove?

[Rim shot, both laugh]

♪♪

- Elvira is soon to be one of Gay Paree's

foremost entertainers.

- Lots of straight guys like me, too.

[Laugh echoing]

Thank you, thank you, but seriously, folks --

No!

This cannot be.

No!

No!

♪♪

Yeah, nice meeting you, too.

Who's the old dude in the dress?

Perhaps he has seen your act.

[Laughs]

[Scoffs]

[Laughing continues]

[Laughing stops]

[Clears throat] Oui.

♪♪

[Door creaking]

♪♪

[Castle rumbling]

♪♪

Oh!

♪♪

Oh, oh, oh!

♪♪

Don't be frightened, Elvira.

It's only the castle settling down for the evening.

Oh.

- Come. It's time for bed.

Hmm.

- The village people say this castle is evil.

- Ehh, who listens to the Village People anymore?

♪♪

This castle and its occupants are cursed.

It's the Hellsubus family blood.

It causes them to do strange and unnatural things.

Sounds like fun.

♪♪

♪♪

Lucian Hellsubus.

Vladimere's great-great-grandfather.

Sadist, murderer.

Thousands of innocent souls died by his torturous hands

in the dungeon of this very castle.

Ew, nice hobby.

♪♪

Captain Teodore Hellsubus.

Vladimere's grandfather.

Smuggler, slave trader, pathological liar,

bad dancer, cross-dresser.

That's really weird.

Cross-dressers are usually great dancers.

♪♪

[Gasping]

♪♪

[Panting]

Careful.

The tremors seem to have caused a bit of damage.

Yeah, duh.

Anybody ever heard of Spackle?

♪♪

And last but not least, the Lady Donya Hellsubus,

Vladimere's mother.

Slut, harlot, seductress.

Just one man couldn't satisfy her.

- I hear you, Grandma. [Chuckles]

Right.

I'll show you to your room, then.

♪♪

♪♪

This was her room.

[Thunder crashes]

Her? Her who?

Elura, Vladimere's first wife.

Nobody has set foot in it since her passing.

- [Sniffs] Whew, pee-eww.

Pass of what is the question.

Could you light a match or something?

- Elura died exactly 10 years ago tomorrow.

♪♪

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

[Door opens]

[Coughing]

♪♪

- Dr. Bradley, I-I thought I heard a voice and I...

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, what's her problem?

- Don't mind her. She does this sort of thing quite frequently.

She's not well, as you can see.

Who is she?

♪♪

- This pitiful creature is Roxana Hellsubus,

Lord Hellsubus' niece.

She too is afflicted with the Hellsubus family curse,

which has ruined many a life, including that of Elura.

Beautiful, unfortunate Elura.

I must say, the resemblance between the two of you

is remarkable.

No wonder Vladimere was so shocked

at the very sight of you.

[Gasps] Oh, my God!

Not only that, but we're both wearing

the exact same nail polish.

Really?

How remarkable.

- Well, it's getting kind of late,

and I'm off to Paris in the morning.

Must you leave so soon?

- Dr. Bradley, opening my show in Paris

means more to me than anything in the world,

even playing "Hide the Hot Dog" with you.

[Chuckles]

- Well, then. What about a quick nightcap?

- No. - Brandy?

- Mnh-mnh. - Champagne?

- Mnh-mnh. - Sanka?

- Lemonade with a twist? - [Groans]

- [Grunts] - Ooh!

[Crashes]

[Water splashing]

Mistress, it's time for la douche.

- Hmm. - [Clears throat]

Yes, quite right.

Well, I'll send my carriage around in the morning.

Good night.

- Oh, Dr. Bradley? - Yes?

Didn't you forget something?

Ah, yes.

Quite right.

Good night.

[Bats screeching]

Oh, and Doc?

I'll take a rain check on that physical.

[Clicks teeth]

[Chord strikes]

Oh hi, Ema.

Thanks for spying on us.

♪♪

[Static]

- The time has come for the first

of Joe Bob's Trick or Treat tips.

[Evil laugh]

- You know, we're all about Halloween safety here

at "The Last Drive-in."

And that's why I always recommend

that when you're planning to put a paper bag

full of dog doo doo on someone's front porch

and then light it on fire and ring the doorbell,

hoping that the resident will stomp it out

and get this disgusting crap all over their shoes,

always work in threes.

One person to light the bag and run.

[Laughter]

One person to ring the bell

and run at the exact same moment

and one person to drive the getaway car,

which very important, should never be parked

to the dog doo doo. victim's right.

Always cheat it to the left.

If this is the porch, cheat it over here to the left

so the rear license plate is not visible until the car --

The car is going to accelerate rapidly

with two criminal misdemeanor vandals

hanging out of the window.

So also, do not use matches.

Do not use a BIC lighter.

Use a butane torch. It's more efficient.

Timing is everything. 12 seconds.

The entire procedure from lit paper bag

to screeching tires and disappearance

around that first corner should all occur within 12 seconds.

Hit that 12 number and you will be invisible

to the person with the crap encrusted footwear.

Everybody wins.

Happy Halloween.

Alright, Get this thing out of here.

Yeah.

That's my first Halloween tip of the night, Darcy.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- That was great. - Alright.

- There. That enough candy corn for you?

- I didn't say I wanted to eat it.

- What? We can't eat all of this.

- Well, candy corn is one of those foods that,

you know, the first one tastes good,

the second one tastes good. Maybe the third one tastes good.

That causes you eat 30 more of them,

and then the 40th one starts to taste kind of funky.

And then after 50 of them, you're still eating them

because you're fascinated by how you can bite off

that white part on the tip

and then, like, eat the rest of it,

or you can turn it upside down, bite off the yellow part

and eat the orange part in the middle.

And your mind is actually telling you there's a difference

in the taste if you eat it [laughing] upside down

and that the white part taste different

from the orange part until you realize

it's all exactly the same.

It's candy corn and it's vile and you're going to regret it.

Your mouth is going to feel like it's coated with Elmer's glue.

- I have never regretted eating candy corn.

- Really? Then how come nobody ever says,

"You know, this candy corn is so good?

I'm going to order several crates of it

so we can have it year round.

We don't have to eat it at just at Halloween."

Nobody does that. Everybody says, you know,

"That was enough candy corn for the entire year.

Maybe next year I'll forget what it taste like

and I'll buy it again."

- It's better than your lame caramel apple over there.

- Yeah, you should like a caramel apple.

That's vegan.

- Candy corn is a guilty pleasure.

- Well, candy corn is probably seething with chemicals

in addition to everything else is wrong with it.

We should hire a chemist to break it down,

see what -- what's What's really in there.

- Are you being a little overdramatic?

- Candy corn comes from the dark side, Dorothy.

If you say so, man.

- Somebody should make a movie called

"Children of the Candy Corn." [Laughter]

- Ooh, that would be a hit, for real.

- No, it'd be like, well, it might be.

It might be like "Elvira's Haunted Hills."

You know, it's not a hit when it comes out,

but it develops a cult following.

The candy corn freaks like yourself who would love it.

You know, they would build enormous piles of candy corn --

- candy corn mountains. - Yeah.

You know, they would have sex on top of the candy corn

while they were rubbing melted candy corn

all over their private parts.

- What is wrong with that? - It's freakish.

You know, it's not right.

[Laughter]

- You mentioned "Elvira's Haunted Hills."

Maybe it's a good idea to talk about that.

And I certainly will.

"Elvira's Haunted Hills," as you probably noticed,

is not a sequel to the other Elvira movie,

"Elvira Mistress of the Dark,"

because this one is set in Transylvania in the year 1851.

And when I first saw it, I thought, "Wow,

They went out to the old Paramount Ranch in Agoura

and made it look like Romania.

But no, they actually went to Romania.

You know, they went into the Carpathian Mountains

and crossed those mountains into Transylvania.

And and it's not even a Dracula story,

but they're in Transylvania.

Anyway, what's interesting about the style

they're working with here,

and they said it was a parody of the Roger Corman,

Edgar Allan Poe movies of the early '60s,

stuff like "Tomb of Ligeia" and "Pit in the Pendulum,"

all that stuff he made with Vincent Price.

But it's kind of -- it's more like a parody of Mel Brooks

doing a parody of those movies

because Elvira speaks 1980s smart ass Valley girl

and everybody else speaks 1851 Hollywood gothic.

And in the very first scene,

Elvira refers to her two enormous talents as airbags.

And she uses junior high joke material like hide the hot dog.

[Laughter]

And there's that Village People joke in there.

So obviously the movie is just going to rip

right through reality,

like a bulldog chewing on a stuffed toy.

The castle and the period costumes

and the gothic sets are basically background

for a treasure chest of one liners,

starting with big boob material and evolving from there.

My kind of movie.

But why am I talking about the writing when we have the star,

the producer, and the co-writer with us tonight?

[Cheers and applause]

We'll bring her out at the next break

and find out just how "Haunted Hills" happen.

- Right, Darcy? - I have been fangirling

over this woman my entire life.

- Do you have questions for Cassandra?

- Oh, my God. Like about a bajillion.

- Alright. Just don't give her any candy corn, okay?

- If she wants candy corn, she can have candy corn.

Okay, back to the movie.

- She can have anything she wants.

Alright.

She wants to chew on a blood sausage, I think, because --

I mean, doesn't every girl?

[Laughter]

- Are we going to do Elvira double entendre all night?

I certainly hope so.

- She obviously didn't feel constrained in this movie

to go for that PG rating,

you know, like in the first movie,

cause she's already -- she's already made two jokes

about how she normally gets paid for sex.

So, you know, all the moms who brought their 10-year-old

daughters to the theater in Elvira cosplay

were thrilled with that, I'm sure.

That's my girl.

- Yeah, and you were one of those 10-year-old girls.

- -Yeah, I was already doing the cleavage in the hair

when I was like, eight.

And then you outgrew it.

Oh, I will never outgrow it.

- I know that. I was being facetious.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

Oh, this is so relaxing.

- Oh. - [Sighs]

Zou Zou, turn on the bubbles, would you?

[Sighs]

[Inhales deeply]

[Crank squeaking, bubbles popping]

- Mm. Ahh. More hot water, Zou Zou.

- [Gasps] But, Mistress, I will have

to go all the way down to the kitchen!

- Yeah? And I have to sit here

In a bathtub full of tepid water until you get back.

[Chuckles]

Now scoot, scoot.

Oui.

Sacrebleu.

[Mumbling]

♪♪

[Sighs]

[Whistle!]

[Deep voice] Arr, ye dogs.

We have come for your booty.

[High-pitched] Oh, no, please, please, Mr. Big Bad Pirate.

Please don't pillage my booty.

[Window bangs open, wind gusts]

♪♪

[Normal voice] Zou Zou?

Zou Zou, is that you?

♪♪

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

You wanna blow the rating on this picture?

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

♪♪

Oh.

Ah.

Oh. [Grunts]

[Panting]

♪♪

[Sighs]

♪♪

♪♪

Hmm. Finders keepers.

♪♪

Where have I seen this thing before?

Oh.

[Chord strikes]

Come on, you're dripping with jewels.

You're not gonna miss one little old ring, are you?

[Screams]

[Screams]

- Zou Zou, you scared the caca-doodie out of me!

- Wha-- - Shh!

[Doorknob rattling]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[All screaming]

- [Groans] Haven't you ever heard of knocking?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to startle you.

I'm Lady Roxana.

Oh, and I'm Elvira.

Hey, what do you know?

The lady and the tramp!

[Laughter]

[Coughs]

[Gags]

[Coughing]

[Sneezes]

- I think this is a piece of your lung.

Eww.

Thank you.

I-I just came to apologize for my ghastly behavior

earlier this evening.

I was just so shocked by your appearance.

Yeah, well, most people are,

but they usually don't have quite such a strong reaction.

- For a moment, I thought that you

were my Aunt Elura,

risen from the grave!

- Yeah, I seem to be getting that a lot lately.

So, Roxana, is it true that you also have the curse?

Yes, I'm afraid I do.

- Really? And you still manage to look so fresh all over.

- Uncle Vladimere says there is no...

escape!

From the family curse.

Hey, cheer up.

I mean, maybe it's like hair loss

and it'll skip a generation.

No!

Uncle Vladimere says I am destined to remain

within these dark castle walls for the rest of my short...

[Gags]

happy...

life.

[Scoffs] "Uncle Vladimere says, Uncle Vladimere says."

You know, girl, I don't wanna go sticking my nose

in where it don't belong, but if I were you,

I would just pack my little bags,

forget about what Uncle Vladimere says,

and get the hell on out of Castle Hellsubus.

Oh, if only I could.

- Well, what's stopping you? Your legs painted on?

- Where will I go, what would I do?

- We leave for Paris in the morning,

you could come with us, no?

- Uh, no, actually, where we're going

is kind of an adults-only thing and...

No.

[Coughing, gags]

Of course, I...

I -- I understand.

[Coughing]

- Alright, alright, you can go with us.

Just be sure to have your stuff ready tonight,

'cause we're leaving first thing in the morning.

Oh, thank you, Elvira.

You're wonderful!

Good night.

[All screaming]

[Sighs]

What do you want?

- I just came to see if you needed

anything before you retire.

Uh, a cup of warm milk, perhaps?

- You know, actually, a cup of warm milk sounds kinda good.

Thanks.

Very well.

I'll have the maid milk the goat.

- Um, you know, on second thought,

just send up a bottle of scotch and a straw.

[Bat screeches]

[Door creaks]

[Door slams]

[Wolf howling, thunder rumbling]

[Clanking]

[Snoring]

[Muffled screaming]

- Oh, what -- - Shh! Mistress, it's me!

- Zou Zou, what the hell are you doing?

Shh. Listen.

I'm scared.

[Whimpering]

- Zou Zou, that's just the grinding and clanking noise

that, you know, instruments of torture make.

[Whimpering]

Ah, alright, alright, I'll throw on something

skimpy and head down to the dungeon.

[Whimpering]

[Door creaks open]

♪♪

[Clanking in distance]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- [Whispering] Let's see. Now where's the secret door?

They always have one of those.

♪♪

[Clanking continues]

♪♪

Oh. [Wall scrapes]

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

[Grunting]

[Door scraping]

[Screams]

[Grunting]

♪♪

[Clanking]

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Rat squeaking]

Oh, hello.

♪♪

[Creaking]

[Footsteps approaching]

[Door opens]

♪♪

[Lock clicks]

♪♪

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

♪♪

[Metal scraps]

[Door closes]

♪♪

♪♪

Hmm? Is somebody in there?

Hello?

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

Oh. Roxana, is that you?

Oh, I just saw the light on in here

and I was wondering what you were doing down here.

Um, you know, I wanted to talk to you about --

[Gasps]

[Squeaking]

Uh, careful, that thing might go off in your hand.

[Squeaking stops]

Oh, you startled me.

- If you're looking for something to steal,

uh, uh, there's really not much here.

I already checked.

[Out of sync] Oh, sorry.

Lord Hellsubus' pistol needed cleaning.

Allow me to introduce myself, madam.

- [Whispering] How does he do that?

Weird.

I am Adrian, the stable master.

I often come here secretly.

Books are my greatest pleasure, and as you can see,

the master has a magnificent collection.

[Normal voice] Of what?

[Chuckles]

Books.

Oh, books.

Yeah, I hadn't noticed.

- I'm constantly trying to better myself.

It's working.

And who, may I ask, are you?

Oh, me?

I'm just Elvira.

You know, house guest, bon vivant,

entertainer extraordinaire.

I'm just here for the night.

[Smooching, wood cracks]

[Smooching continues]

But then, a lot can happen in a night.

[Giggles]

Woo, Lord have mercy.

It is warm in here, isn't it?

[Gasps] Your gown!

Ow, ow, ow!

[Grunting, groaning]

Are you all right?

Is the fire out?

- Honey, the fire's just getting started.

I mean, it must have been a cinder that landed

on my nightgown.

No, it was no accident.

This house is not a healthy place for you to be.

Ew, not healthy?

I have been scratching myself a lot lately.

And I'm sure Lord Hellsubus

has not been the most gracious of hosts.

- Duh, that's the understatement of the 19th century.

- Since the death of his first wife,

he has not been feeling himself.

Too bad.

It might relieve a lot of that tension.

- I'm afraid the poor man is grief-stricken

ever since the Lady Elura committed suicide.

Committed suicide?

Why would anybody living here at Sunnybrook Farm

want to kill themselves?

- The master blames himself for her death.

Me, I blame the Hellsubus curse.

Oh, you poor darling!

- But I had nothing to do with it.

I don't care.

[Footsteps approaching]

[Gasps]

I mustn't be found here.

Get behind the curtain, quick.

Yeah, good idea.

♪♪

I thought I heard voices.

- Oh, yeah, you and everybody else in this bug house.

♪♪

[Gasps]

A spider.

[Chord strikes]

[Groans]

[Thunder crashes]

[Dog barking]

Hmm.

[Wind whistling]

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Tinkle!]

♪♪

[Static]

Your Ouija board didn't lie.

Here's Joe Bob Briggs with another of his invaluable

trick or treat tips.

[Evil laughter]

♪♪

- Okay, our second Halloween tip for the night

so that we ensure it's a safe

and wholesome holiday for the whole family

brings us to the topic of culinary gross outs.

The easiest one, of course,

is just fake poop in the candy bowl, the old standby.

If you want to enhance it a little bit,

make sure you take the fake poop and rinse it off, you know,

right before you use it so that it looks extremely fresh,

especially if positioned

next to some sort of chocolate confection.

See, they put the chocolates here,

you put the poop right in the middle.

And speaking of chocolate, always remember people will eat

anything coated with chocolate.

If it has chocolate on the outside,

they assume through generations of brainwashing

by the Hershey Corporation

that it will also contain chocolate on the inside.

So what we're going to do is we're going to go to YouTube

and watch one of those very informative videos

on how to dip chocolate

without an actual chocolate dipping machine.

But we're not going to dip homemade candy.

We're going to dip Brussel sprouts.

[Laughter]

Coat 'em up good.

And Brussels sprouts, as we all know,

have a cute shape,

but they taste hilariously bitter

and they're really hard on the stomach.

So we get the triple whammy.

We get the triple whammy of the gastrointestinal gut punch,

the puke factor, and of course, most important,

the surprise selfie that you take at the moment of impact.

Now, there's a variation on this one

where you dip a bell pepper or a tomato in chocolate

so that it looks like a caramel apple.

But I don't like the size factor on those choices.

The victim is only going to bite once

and then the chocolate covered hill bite becomes a projectile.

He can easily hurl that at your head.

So stick with the Brussel sprouts

and you will bring joy to all.

Happy Halloween. [Laughter]

- Alright, you can take this away.

Alright.

[Sighs]

- Hope it was worth it. - [Whispering] He's ridiculous.

- Which role in this movie would you imagine

was offered to Fabio but he turned it down?

Yes, that's right, the pistol-polishing

stable stud played by Gabi Andronache,

who speaks absolutely no English,

was originally intended for the Italian

romance novel poster boy.

But this guy is hysterical.

I think Fabio would have ruined it,

and I love the bad dubbing.

So many of these movies had the bad Italian dubbing,

but let's not waste any more time on my observations.

Let's bring out the creative force

- behind "Elvira's Haunted Hills." - Whoo!

My friend of many years, the woman who's fearless

about breaking the fourth wall and breaking men's hearts.

The co-writer, producer and star, Cassandra Peterson.

[Cheers and applause]

I'm glad to see you do.

- You, too. Great to see you.

- Come on, Darcy. Come on out.

- So, Cassandra... - Your dress is a weenie.

- ...is it -- is it true that you spent

your life savings getting this movie made.

- At the time, yes. That was totally true.

Really?

- I had spent the previous 13 years

trying to get another film made

and writing scripts with my partner, John Paragon,

taking them around, trying to sell them,

and nobody would touch me.

I mean, the -- the box office and my, you know,

"Elvira: Mistress of the Dark," was horrible.

So that was -- that was it.

- But it came back in video, right?

- It did. - I mean, you had a good --

you had good video numbers,

so you should have been able to get a deal.

- You thought so, you'd think so.

Still couldn't get a deal.

It was like I was box office poison.

So we just had to take a bunch of money that we had

and decided we'll make our own damn movie,

which is a big, huge mistake.

Don't ever do that.

- Oh, really? [Laughter]

Yeah, you heard that before.

- Well, that's the opposite of Lloyd Kaufman advice.

He said, "Get out there and make your own damn movie."

- Seriously? - [ Laughs ]

That's Lloyd Kaufman for you.

[Laughter]

But, yeah, a big mistake anyway.

Anyway, don't use your own money.

That was the lesson number one in show business.

And -- but we had a great experience doing it.

I'm glad, you know, when all is said and done,

I'm glad I did it because you wouldn't have

a movie to show tonight, you know?

- Right. Well, we have so much to talk about

because you have a bestselling book out right now.

"Yours Cruelly, Elvira," your autobiography.

You have an army of adoring fans who were devastated

when you decided to put away the Elvira makeup...

- I did? - ...and the plunging neckline

and the trademark hair.

Well, I'm going to ask you, is that true?

- Who said that? - Have you put it away forever?

I say that every decade.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Whenever I turn the big one,

I say I'm not going to do Elvira anymore,

- and then I end up doing it. - Yay.

But it does get to a point

where nobody's gonna wanna see that stuff anymore.

That's not true.

You just did one last year on Shudder.

I mean, it was very well-received, very popular.

- Thank you. You never know.

I mean, I could be doing this till I'm 90.

- It just stuff that I'm... - Yay.

- You always -- you always did your own

- makeup and wardrobe, right? - I did.

- Yeah. - I did that because

I went through this period

of where I'd have other makeup artists do it,

and they would do a much, much better job than me,

and let me tell you.

But I'd always look a little bit different.

It would never be the same, and finally

I just kind of threw my hands up and said,

"Let me just do it myself."

Then, good or bad, at least I know I look the same every time.

- Well, one thing that was interesting to me

is in your book is that you said you were inspired

by these drag queens that you worked with

- when you were very young... - Oh, hell yeah.

- ...at The Purple Cow and The Club A-Go-Go.

Where where was The Purple Cow and The Club A-Go-Go?

Colorado Springs, Colorado.

I graduated high school, believe it or not.

I did graduate, and I danced.

- I did go-go dancing. - Go-Go dancing.

- At Fort Carson Air Force Academy, NORAD.

You were dancing for the guys

who control the nuclear missiles?

Yeah.

[Laughter]

That says a lot right there, right?

[Laughter]

- I thought one of the most fascinating parts of your book

was the early part where you were just, um...

You were the most enterprising teenage girl in the whole world.

- I was. - Y-You actually worked

Holiday Inns all over the Midwest

during your school breaks, right?

- I did, I did. On my school breaks --

- You'd say, "Bye, Mom and Dad, I'll see you in a week.

I'm going to the Holiday Inn to dance."

- I'd drive to, like, North Dakota

and South Dakota, Wyoming and -- and, yeah.

I'd usually go-go dance in the corner at, like,

a Holiday Inn or something like that, you know,

Motel six, whatever.

And yeah, and then I even had other showgirls --

Showgirls, excuse me, Go-Go girls.

Showgirls was later.

Go-Go girls who I sent out to these various places,

and I took a percentage of their income.

- Wow. - Oh, really?

So you had a whole go-go girl traveling caravan.

Very enterprising.

- What did you need to be a go-go girl?

You needed the boots, right?

You needed the Nancy Sinatra boots.

- They said the boobs. - Well, you needed the boobs,

but you also needed the boots, right?

You needed the boots,

Oh, yeah. Back then, it was little short,

fringy dresses, you know,

and the little white vinyl boots and everything.

And yeah, it was very, very tame.

When you talk about go-go girls today, it's not quite the same.

- Right? - Back then it was pretty tame.

- It was that era. - It was.

- You also talk about your groupie years,

you're climbing through the window of tour busses

following bands and --

- Oh, yeah, I did a lot of that.

[Laughter]

You know, it's funny, I was just going to say

that I always told people

my whole life that the years before Elvira was --

my life was really, really exciting

and bizarre and weird.

And then when I finally got to be Elvira,

everything just calmed down and became normal.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm, it's true.

- 'Cause you had a lot of years in Italy.

You moved to Italy.

- I did. I lived in Italy for a while.

I was a singer in a band and did some acting there.

I was in a Federico Fellini movie, "Roma."

- Oh, wow. And you had years in Vegas or some time in Vegas?

- I was a showgirl at the Dunes Hotel

and in Viva Le Girls.

- And you worked the Playboy Club in Miami.

Playboy Club in Miami.

- And that's -- this is all like when you're 20 years old, right?

You're not even 20 yet, right?

- Not even 20 yet. Yeah.

I was like 19 when I did that show.

- Wow. - Yeah.

I did a lot of hard living.

I'm 450 years old now, and it's starting to show.

[Laughter]

- No, you are -- you are -- you are, obviously,

you had, like, supernatural energy

and really understanding parents

who wanted you to pursue your dreams, right?

- I don't know if they were understanding.

They were like --

I was pretty...

How do I put that? I don't know.

I pretty much did what I wanted no matter

- what they told me to do. - Okay.

- I was kind of every parent's nightmare.

- Right? - Yeah, unfortunately.

Now, how long when -- when you --

when you did Elvira, like, for --

if you're going to do Elvira at some big,

you know, event in London or something,

how long does it take to become Elvira

if you did to do the whole make up and everything?

- It's like, well, you should know.

- I mean, it's like a two hour -- - Probably two hours.

- I mean... - Okay.

- You had some help. I had to do it myself, so...

[Laughs]

- Yeah, it's like a two-hour thing,

you know, to get the hair, the makeup, the dress.

So I -- just add that up.

Imagine the hours I've spent putting on makeup my whole life.

I mean, I would have a whole other life.

- [ Laughs ] - I know.

Really, probably 20 years

just because of makeup.

- Because you make these choices in 1981 or whatever,

and then you you say, "Oh, I shouldn't have made that choice.

- Right? - You gotta stick with it.

- I had people say to me, "What do you regret?"

I said I regret that I wasn't wearing a momo and flip flops.

[Laughter]

Or dressed as a wiener.

- Right? - [Laughs]

- Yeah, that's -- that's what I went for.

- It went for the easy choice. - Yeah, you did.

But you -- you modeled it on kabuki --

kabuki makeup originally.

- Yeah. My friend who helped me,

Robert Redding, was a makeup artist.

And he looked through a kabuki theater book,

and that's where I got the idea for that makeup,

which really wasn't being done that much back then, you know?

- And the other thing I learned from your book

is that your hair was modeled on Ronnie Spector of The Ronettes.

- Mm-hmm. - It's Ronnie Spector's hair.

- I love Ronnie Spector, and my my friend, Robert,

that was his favorite, favorite artist.

So, yeah, we did the Ronnie Spector hair,

and she called it a knowledge bump.

Not a beehive. [Laughter]

- It's a knowledge bump. - Knowledge bump. What's up?

So you know.

So all your brains are stored in there, right?

- Yeah. Mine are still growing.

- You're is small. - I know.

- It's a baby right here. - No, just saying.

- I'm learning [Laughter]

- How many times -- - You'll get there.

- Yes. - How many -- how many times

over the years do you think you've suited up for Elvira?

- A million. [Laughter]

I have no idea. I should try to average that out.

But I couldn't even imagine how many times.

I mean, thousands, thousands, you know?

- Oh, I think you may be the all-time champion

in terms of real people

who are the inspiration for Halloween costumes.

Because there are three --

You know, we go to conventions all the time.

There are three-year-old girls who come dressed up

- like Elvira at Halloween. - I know. That's scary.

That's a little scary.

- Well, you -- We should ask Darcy.

You've been dressing up like Elvira your whole life.

- Forever, yeah. - Yeah.

- From what age? - I don't know.

- I think you owe me some royalties.

- I think paid them, believe me.

I have so much Elvira merchandise.

- What attracted you to the Elvira character

when you were a little girl?

- I mean, she's spooky and beautiful

and a boss bitch who doesn't take shit from anyone.

Like, how do you not love that?

Yeah.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

How much, Cassandra,

how much do you have to tone down

the sexuality of the character when you do a movie,

which you did more in the first movie than the same movie.

You know that those three-year-old

- girls are out there. - I do. I try.

I walk a fine line with -- with the Elvira character.

I mean, obviously, she's sexy, but I try to keep the jokes,

double entendre, you know, so that...

- The adults get it and the kids don't?

- Go over, yeah, they go over the heads

of the little ones, you know?

And Elvira does not use any bad language.

She uses hell and damn, things like that,

but never uses...

- But she does say things like normally I get paid

for doing something. [Laughter]

Oh, yeah, she says all that,

but that, again, I don't think a three-year-old

- or the five-year-old... - That's true, that's true.

- seven or eight-year olds would get it.

Well, nowadays, I don't know.

They're pretty smart. That's true.

- Alright. - A newborn might get them now.

- I don't know. - Well, we appreciate it,

and we appreciate the love and money

that you put into this movie.

- Thank you. - I hope you don't

regret it [laughing] too much.

- I don't. I don't regret it.

- And you used many performers from the Groundlings

Improv company in L.A.

- You were former Groundlings. - I was.

- And you're very identified with The Groundlings...

- Thanks. - ...and Phil Hartman.

I see you dedicated the movie to his memory.

He was at Groundling. Was he at Groundling?

- He was at Groundling for a long, long time,

and we were in the Groundlings together

before he left to do "Saturday Night Live."

But we were great friends for many years, and --

- And based on the casting of this movie,

you trusted anyone.

You even use the New Groundlings.

You trusted anyone who was a Groundling.

- Mary Scheer. We -- we loved her.

She had -- we'd never seen her, she hadn't even been

in a movie that I know of.

I don't believe she had,

but she was so damn funny on stage

that we really built that character around her.

- She's the one who played Lady Ema.

She played Zou Zou.

Oh, Oh. Uh...

- Oh, no. I said Mary Scheer. - Mary Scheer.

Mary Scheer played -- I'm sorry.

Lady Ema.

Yeah, the other Mary.

There's two Mary, so it gets complicated.

Mary Jo Smith played Zou Zou.

- Right, Mary Jo Smith was in The Groundlings.

Mary Scheer was brilliant.

She was from "MAD TV" and everything.

So, we kind of wrote that one character of Zou Zou though,

- for, uh. Mary Jo. - Mary Jo Smith.

- Because, yeah, because she had a funny,

very funny character in The Groundlings

that we kind of based that on.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Well, we have many more things to ask you about,

so please stick with us.

But let's get back to the movie made in scenic Romania,

"Elvira's Haunted Hills."

Roll the movie.

What was Romania like?

You were over there around the same time

that Eli Roth was making "Hostel."

- Yeah. - In another --

in another impoverished

Eastern European country, Slovakia.

And you know those burly guys in the black jackets

that are two sizes too small that are always hanging around?

They just scare the holy crap out of me.

Did you ever run across those guys over there?

- No. No, I can't say that I did in Romania.

I don't know.

Romania was fantastic. It was great.

It was kind of like going back to the 15th century.

- Really? - Yeah.

When you get to the Transylvania area.

We have a scene in the movie

where there are a bunch of peasants

in the beginning of the movie,

driving geese along and everything,

and everyone said, "God, you have

such great production value."

And it wasn't production value,

it was just the people in the town.

- Those are the people that happened

to be there driving the geese.

- Those weren't costumes or anything.

It was just the people in the town.

- Oh, that's great. - Yeah.

They -- they always, when you visit those, you know,

remote Eastern European places,

they always want to take you to the monastery.

They say. "Have you taken the tour?

We have a famous monastery,"

and I'm not going to that monastery

because that's where the Eli Roth guys

with the torture devices.

You know, that place in the "Hostel?"

You know, that's where they park their Mercedes at front.

You know, I'm not going there.

- No, I got to hang out at Dracula's castle, though.

- Oh, yeah, that's Dracula castle.

What they say is Dracula's castle, right?

- Yeah, well. [Laughs]

Yeah, that's it.

- I spent a lot of time there. It was -- it was awesome.

- I had a good time. - Really?

- Yeah. - I got to go there.

- Yes. - You should go.

- I'd rather go there than the monastery

with the guys in the tiny leather jackets.

- Any day, any day. - Yeah.

♪♪

[Static]

♪♪

[Rooster crowing]

♪♪

Hello?

Can anybody help me with my bags?!

♪♪

Zou Zou? [Footsteps approaching]

- Zou Zou! - I'm coming!

♪♪

[Door closes]

Zou Zou, what do I pay you for?

- But, Mistress, you have not paid me in months.

Oh, right.

♪♪

♪♪

Ah, ah, ah...

[Whiffle!]

[Screams]

[Clank!]

I'm ready to go, Elvira.

Elvira?

[Gasps]

- Mistress, do you need some help?

- No. No, I don't need any help.

Do I look like I need help?

Get rid of that damn cake.

Merci.

♪♪

♪♪

Where's that coach that quack promised us?

- I tried to tell you, Mistress, Dr. Bradley has the emergency!

Emergency?

What about my emergency?

- He said something about people in the village

dying of the plague.

- Plague-shmague.

I have a show to do in Paris.

Oh, some people are so selfish.

Huh?

Oh, Adrian.

Uh, I've got an idea.

You two wait right here.

- But, Mistress, where are you going?

If I'm not back in an hour...

wait another hour.

- Wha--

[Sighs]

Oh.

Ooh! [Grunts]

[Sighs]

Adrian! Adrian!

♪♪

[Bird cawing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Bird caws] [Gasps]

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

[Bunny munching]

Oh!

♪♪

[Screams]

[Screams]

♪♪

[Gasps]

Oh, it's you.

Oh, you scared the hell out of me.

- Would that it was otherwise, my dear.

They've struck again.

What, gophers?

- No, grave robbers, in a never-ending search

for the Hellsubus family jewels.

Oh, for the love of God, why can't they leave us alone?!

Hasn't my family suffered enough?

What manner of fiend is it that would --

that would desecrate a human grave in their hunger

for mere riches?

Oh, Why? Why?

Why!

Snap out of it!

God, what are you going for, an Oscar?

My eyes, my eyes!

Would you mind, my dear? They're over there.

God.

Here's your precious horse blinders, you big baby.

- You don't understand. My -- my eyes are tortured

by all but the faintest of light.

- Oh, so you've got a hangover too, huh?

- No, I suffer from acute ocular sensitivity, my dear.

Oh, too bad.

Um, listen, you know, your friend

Dr. Bradley stood me up this morning,

so I was wondering if Adrian the stable boy could give me a ride.

Oh, frailty, thy name is woman.

- Look, I just thought you were Adrian,

that's why I was following you.

- I know. - You do?

Don't tell me you're psychic, too.

No, I heard your footsteps.

Each and everyone of them echo.

[Echoing] Echo?

Echo.

[Echoing softly] Echo.

- My hearing's hyper-sensitive, too.

I hear everything, each cry in the night,

the deafening whisper of woodworm devouring the coffins,

the scratching of rats' claws upon the stone.

I -- I hear it all.

[Howling in distance]

What's that?

- What? [Howling in distance]

There it is again!

- Really, what does it sound like?

- Kinda like, "Ah-woo"!

[Groans] Ah!

Oh, an animal, perhaps.

Wolves attracted by the scent of rotting flesh.

Wolves?

Maybe we should head back to the...

[Howling in distance]

♪♪

My beloved wife's grave.

♪♪

She passed away 10 years ago this --

this very day.

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

Oh, Elura.

So beautiful, so young, so full of life.

But as I carried her over the threshold

of Castle Hellsubus on our wedding day,

a strange darkness befell her.

♪♪

♪♪

Soon after, she took to her bed.

She would neither eat nor sleep.

I tried everything to cheer her up.

[Upbeat music plays]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Each night, Elura took to wandering

the halls of Castle Hellsubus,

listening to the accursed voices of the demented souls

emanating from within its blood-soaked walls.

[Woman screaming, indistinct groaning]

♪♪

I prayed that I might rescue her from this infernal nightmare,

but aided by the corrupting powers of diabolical cunning,

she eluded me.

♪♪

And then one night,

those demonic deceivers of suicidal destruction

imposed their poisonous and cankerous

will upon this sweet,

unblemished child of innocence and grace

and ordered her to climb to the top of the tower.

♪♪

And then...

to jump.

♪♪

[Fabric tearing]

♪♪

[Body thuds]

♪♪

We were married for just one year.

Well, you know what they say.

I mean, 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce,

so it wouldn't have worked out anyway, probably.

[Laughs]

♪♪

Are you okay?

It's you.

You. You.

Me, me, me, what?

Elura. Elura.

Elura.

No, Elvira, Elvira, Elvira.

- I'll send you back to hell! - [Choking]

[Groaning]

Ooh.

Oh, that smarts. What happened?

Uh, you don't remember?

No, I must have undergone some kind of blackout.

- Yeah, yeah. Uh, you tripped.

[Howling in distance]

You know, I'm a little sheepish when it comes to wolves.

What do you say we head on back to the castle, okay?

Oh, yes, good idea.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh!

Oh, thank you, my dear.

I think I might just go upstairs and rest for awhile.

Okay, you do that.

And while you're at it,

you might want to grab an ice pack.

Yes.

♪♪

Ah-ah-ah! Ah-ah. Hold it right there.

[Gasps] Mutton stew.

Mm, mm. Whoa, dude.

Somebody went a little heavy on the Tabasco.

- This is my husband's chamber pot, madam.

[Rumbling]

[Clock chiming]

[Rumbling]

- Disturbing, yes, but perfectly harmless, I assure you.

Oh, yeah, no problemo.

I'm from California.

- So, as I was saying, I was in the village,

cleaning out the pusy, runny sores

of this poor old woman, and I said to her,

"Madam, I believe you have the plague."

And she said, "Oh, no, sir, I don't have the plague."

And just at that moment, her ear dropped off.

[Chuckles]

Roll?

I can assure you, Ema, it was rousing good fun.

[Laughs]

Bradley, you always have the most amusing stories.

[Laughs]

Mmm, gee. This looks...

delicious.

It's gruel.

Yeah, damn straight it's cruel.

I mean, I was really hungry.

No, madam, it's hot gruel.

That's...It's fine.

- I'm afraid those of the Hellsubus clan

can consume only the most pallid mash,

wear only the softest of clothing,

tolerate only the faintest of light.

You see...

My husband and Roxana suffer

from certain peculiarities of temperament.

- Yeah, where I come from, they call it hypochondria.

Pardon?

I said...

Maybe it's just all in their mind.

Precisely.

And when something is in someone's mind,

it is more real, more powerful than any mere...

physical malady.

- Yeah, right. Like there's something going on in my mind.

Well, now, shall we see?

What do you know about hypnosis?

It's a bunch of hooey.

I once did a show with Ivan the Incredible.

He tried to hypnotize me and make me bark like a dog.

And did it work?

Well, by the time he was done,

he was the one who was sitting up and begging.

[Barks]

Girlfriend.

Oh!

I assure you, Elvira,

the powers of hypnotism are very real.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Look deeply into my eyes.

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

[Scoffs] Wish I had a peso

for every time I heard that old line.

Give your will over to mine.

Whew.

- Your hands are melting into mine.

Soon, very soon, they will become one with mine.

- Yeah, just watch the nails, will you?

Close your eyes.

You will try, you will try, but you will not be able.

You will try very soon, you will try now,

but you will not, you cannot move them!

- Will you please hold it down? I'm just trying to sleep here.

Is she hypnotized?

No, I am not hypno...

[Snoring]

Elvira.

You're a little girl, very happy, so young,

so happy, so very, very happy.

It's all brightness and butterflies.

They're a wonder to behold.

See them.

See them?

- [High-pitched voice] I just love butterflies ever so much.

- Why, look, there's one on a flower.

Reach out, Elvira, you can almost touch it.

Reach out -- Oh, it's a bee, it stung you!

Ow, ow! Ow!

No, no, no tears, Elvira.

There's no reason to weep.

[Thunder crashes]

- [Elura's voice] Don't weep for me.

Weep for Vladimere.

I have come to wreak my vengeance.

Oh!

- [Normal voice] Wow, who turned out the lights?

See, I told you that hypnotism thing was a bunch of hooey.

Ow.

- I'm -- I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit "unstab-le."

- Speaking of "unstab-le"...

stable, where's Lord Loco anyway?

[Thunder crashing]

[Piano playing]

So plague or no plague,

your coach is picking me up tomorrow, right?

Oh, absolutely.

I assure you, Elvira, you won't be spending another night

in Castle Hellsubus.

♪♪

Happy anniversary, Elura.

Poor guy's had a tough day.

Yes, poor Vladimere.

I don't believe I've ever seen him looking so morose.

- Well, I mean, who wouldn't be with this dirge playing?

♪♪

Move over, honey.

[Discordant notes play]

Let's see if we can't turn that frown upside down.

[Music playing]

♪ Many years ago when I was so small ♪

♪ I slipped into a music hall ♪

♪ How was I to know curiosity ♪

♪ Would cost me my... ♪

♪ Virginity? ♪

♪ In a single night I learned all the facts ♪

♪ About the birds and bees and tit for tat ♪

♪ I remember seven Turkish acrobats ♪

♪ Who taught me an unnatural act ♪

Ooh!

Come on!

♪ I was asked to play with the entire band ♪

♪ I had them all right in my hand ♪

♪ The pianist confessed to me ♪

♪ There was a horse in his family tree ♪

[Horse neighs]

♪ A contortionist needed to get his kicks ♪

♪ Forcing little me to do the Chinese split ♪

♪ Girlfriend, the trained dogs were quite a treat ♪

♪ They thought moi was a bitch in heat ♪

Grr!

♪♪

♪♪

Hit it!

♪ I was gagged and bound ♪

♪ By a psycho clown ♪

♪ I'm not even married, but I've been tied down ♪

♪ By the way, the jugglers were living dolls ♪

♪ And they taught me how to juggle all their balls ♪

- [Glass shatters] - ♪ I learned how ♪

♪ To expose my derriere ♪

♪ Show my legs and bam, get them in the air ♪

♪ Yes, I often stop thinking to recall ♪

♪ Life is like a music hall ♪

Yah!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Song ends]

[Snoring]

[Static crackles]

Gather all ye Halloweenees

for yet another Trick or Treat tip.

[Laughs]

- All right, our next practical Halloween tip

for the season to make sure you and yours

have an enriching and educational holiday

is how to properly soap a car or egg a car.

Now, the reason I put them together

is you're probably one or the other.

Some people are soapers, some people are eggers.

You rarely find somebody that can do both effectively.

So know in advance, am I soaper, or am I an egger?

Now, next, if you're a soaper, which most people are,

we're going to use the windshield only.

If you use something like Dawn dishwater soap on a paint job

or even just regular hand soap,

you can get into felony vandalism

because of what the body shop is going to charge for that.

So what we want is no actual damage to the vehicle,

but really, really obnoxious stuff

on the windshield messaging.

What I suggest is a penis.

- [Laughter] - A penis says it all.

Draw your penis on the windshield.

Make the head extremely large,

out of proportion to the shaft.

That's that's the standard Halloween penis.

If you put that penis on the windshield,

you have basically said to the victim,

"I have the mind of a third grader,

and I put a penis on your car."

But if you really want to get fancy,

get some isopropyl rubbing alcohol

and use it to write a message for the driver.

Now, you'll put it on there. It will be invisible.

But in most parts of the country,

that windshield is going to fog up

sometime during the night of October 31st.

And when you turn on the the defroster,

the message will magically appear.

Now, I say go with something simple.

"Happy Halloween." Okay?

You've made your point with "Happy Halloween."

"You suck" is too aggressive because we're in the guy's car.

It's his temple. It's a sanctuary.

We don't want him hunting you down like a dog

and getting nasty with a blunt force implement.

So "Happy Halloween" is going to piss him off sufficiently.

But if you want to get fancy, put something on there.

This confusing.

I would recommend, "I know what you did, and it's time to pay."

Okay, now he starts thinking about that,

and you have a prank that lasts the entire year.

You've actually made it possible to celebrate Halloween 24/7/365.

So have fun, kids.

- Wow. - All right.

[Laughter]

And just when you thought this movie had everything,

we get a full bore musical production number

reminiscent of your days in the "Viva La Girls"

musical revue at The Dunes.

Was that at The Dunes in Vegas?

Your first career was as a dancer.

- That's right. I started out as a dancer.

And I was a showgirl at the Dunes,

as you said, which has now, of course, been destroyed.

All those old hotels are gone.

- But the Dunes, that was classic.

- That was the Rat Pack. - It was classy.

- That's where the Rat Pack hung out.

And that production number was actually choreographed,

and the song was written by the director

of the Folies Bergère, right?

That's right, Jerry Jackson,

who -- he was the choreographer in Vive Les Girls,

and he was the choreographer of that little number

I just did in the movie.

- And in the part of the movie that we just watched,

you have an extended sequence with Richard O'Brien,

the distinguished classical actor

best known for "The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

Was he having a good time in Romania?

I would suspect he would.

You know, he was having

a little bit too much of a good time.

Oh, okay.

- I won't go into the details there.

But yes, I think he enjoyed himself quite a bit.

- All right. I know he was from New Zealand, I think.

We think of him as a Brit, but he was in

the London stage production of "Jesus Christ Superstar."

And of course "Rocky Horror."

Yeah. And "Rocky Horror."

And then you also have extensive scenes

with Scott Atkinson as Dr. Bradley Bradley

doing his best Vincent Price parody.

Actually, I think it was written as a Vincent Price parody,

but he said he was channeling the character actor

George Sanders, which he --

He did just exactly right on.

I mean, if you're familiar with George Sanders.

- Yes. I mean, not many people know George Sanders.

But he was doing a George Sanders.

- It was fantastic. - And I know he was having

a good time in Romania.

- He was having a great time, and I loved and adored him.

He did such a fantastic job in that part.

And he had to kind of do dual characters in that part, so.

- Right. - Yeah.

I was sad about him passing away.

- He gets stranger as the movie goes on.

But he did lots of episodic TV after that,

and unfortunately, he died just last year.

- It was really sad. - Too early.

Way too early.

- Were the Romanians aware of Elvira's fame?

Did they get any Elvira shows in Romania?

No. [Laughs]

Mostly they had no idea what the hell I was.

- They just knew you were a big Hollywood star.

- Yeah, that's all. And that was enough for them.

Believe me. They loved me.

- Okay, well, we've been trying to get you

on the show for a while now, but you're busier than ever.

The thing I wanted to ask you, or maybe you should ask

this, Darcy, how many Elvira products are there?

Because I know you've got every Elvira product.

It seems like your name is on thousands of costumes

and collectibles and paraphernalia.

And you have the complete set, right, Darcy?

- I don't think it's possible to have the complete set.

Probably slot machines.

You can't even buy the slot machines.

- Yes, exactly. - What's the weirdest

Elvira spin off product?

Is there one you would name?

- Well, I had a recent one that is pretty weird to me.

I have an Elvira Vespa.

- Yes, yes, exactly. - Oh, wow!

- That's bizarre. - I need to get one.

- Okay. - I had one long time ago.

There was one of those smelly things

- in your car that you hang. - Oh, the air freshener.

And I'm going, "What do those smell like?

I don't know.

- Well, truck drivers, see, they use those,

so that would be -- I can see how that would work.

- I thought that was a weird Elvira product.

Is there an Elvira bra?

- No, and that's something I'd always, always love to have.

I mean, because it's really kind of a Miracle Bra.

- After all these years? - Has to happen.

- I know. I've never -- you know,

I got to get my licensing guy on that.

- Okay. - That's a good idea.

- Well, you loaded this movie up with boob jokes?

- Oh, yeah, of course. - You may have the most famous

boobs since Jayne Mansfield.

- Possibly - So, is that a lot of pressure?

- Just on my boobs. - [Laughter]

- But, you know, I am very thankful for my boobs

because I've basically made a career since I was 14 years old,

till now, thanks to my boobs.

- Oh, really? - Think about it.

- I owe them a lot. - Yes. Yay boobs.

- Were you thinking about that when you're 14?

"Hey, I have the boobs. I should be a go-go dancer."

- Well, eah, it helped. Let me tell you.

They called me Big Red, and it wasn't for nothing.

- Oh. Okay. - Yeah.

So I'm very fortunate.

- I also wanted to ask you, what is your favorite

non-Elvira performance?

Because you've had many of those.

I have had many.

Just, you know, I don't go out for acting work,

but once in a while, a friend will call up and say,

"Oh, do you want to be in this movie?"

I think my favorite one so far

was "All About Evil" with Peaches Christ.

- Peaches Christ, yes. - He directed it,

Joshua Grannell, and I play this very normal

mom role, and I love doing that.

I love being a normal person for once in my life.

It was hard, though. It's scary.

But I got to -- the great thing was I got to kill

the villain in the end.

Oh, well, I won't give away the ending.

Uh-oh, I think I just did. Darn.

- Do you have to ask casting directors, you know,

or when you were going out for casting,

you know, who did you call for this, Cassandra or Elvira?

- Well, the funny thing that happened to me early on

when I became Elvira was I started getting all these

calls from casting directors around L.A.

And when I'd go in, you'd just see

this big look of disappointment on their face.

I mean, they'd just be like --

you know, they thought they were bringing

in this big, tall Amazon with black hair and big boobs.

And then I come in, la la la,

you know, red hair, and they were like, "Go home."

- Oh, gosh. - Yeah, that was confusing

and bad for my career.

- All right, well, we're going to go back to the movie.

The book is "You're Cruelly, Elvira."

And we are back to the story of Elvira and Elura

in the land of Dracula, "Elvira's Haunted Hills."

You have one visual joke in the movie that you do not explain,

and that is the door of the castle has a giant knockers.

Oh, we had those knockers made.

We just had them specifically made.

- Okay. - Didn't want to hit

that joke too much.

I thought it spoke for itself.

- Were the giant knockers in the script, though?

- Oh, yeah. - Okay.

- Can't have a castle without giant knockers.

- Okay. We insiders at the keg party,

we say, "Hey, hit the giant knockers."

There you go.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

[Thunder crashes]

[Snoring]

[Elura] Vladimere...

Vladimere...

Who...Who is it?

Who's there?

Vladimere!

Vladimere...

Oh!

[Screams]

Vladimere, what is it?

I saw her.

it was her.

- Who, man? Whom did you see?

I saw...

I saw...

No one.

Nothing, I...

I must have been dreaming.

[Laughs]

[Speaking Gibberish]

All of you! All of you!

[Groans]

Oh.

What?

What? What happened?

Uh, you tripped again.

You got to lay off of that absinthe.

Thank you.

[Gasps]

That ring!

Where did you get that ring?

Uh, this old thing?

I just found it in my room.

It was Elura's!

Her wedding ring. You took it!

Sheesh, calm down, will you?

Here, you can have it. It's too tacky for me, anyway.

- No, no! No, get it away, get it away!

Will you make up your mind?

- Elura was wearing that ring...

when I buried her.

Ew.

Don't even think about it.

Then it's true!

It is true!

She's alive!

- Vladimere, you know very well that's not possible.

- Well, there's only one way to find out.

[Thunder crashing]

- Oh, here, let me help you with that.

- Mmm... - Here, here.

All spic and span.

I'll get the rest later.

Almost got it.

Oh, my God!

It's true!

She is alive!

[Thunder crashes]

[Thuds]

- Girl, you are starting to get on my last nerve.

[Owl hooting]

- Good Lord. No heartbeat.

Mirror?

No breath, either!

I'm afraid she's quite...

dead.

[Gasps]

- Well, at least we'll get some use out of that coffin.

[Howling in distance]

[Thunder crashes]

Poor Roxana.

She's found peace at last.

- For a member of the Hellsubus line,

even death can bring no peace.

Oh!

If only it were me instead of her.

Yes, if only it was you.

Yes, if only...

it was.

Yes, if...

...only.

[Fly buzzing]

[Lock clicks]

- Must you close the casket so soon, Vladimere?

- Yeah, boy, you guys don't waste any time, do you?

I mean, the body's not even cold yet.

- It's time for Roxana to join the rest of the Hellsubus clan.

Come.

Why, why, why?

She was so young and so...

young!

Roxana!

We hardly knew ye!

She was a good girl!

She never "hoit" nobody!

You're with the angels now, darling.

[Sobs]

[Thunder crashes]

Oh, man, I don't know about the rest of you guys,

but I need a drink.

[Thunder crashes]

[Thunder crashes]

[Creaking]

[Iron clanking]

[Dog barking]

[Clanging]

Hello?

Adrian?

[Horse snorts]

[Sizzling]

Mm, mm.

Adrian.

That's quite a big hammer you're swinging there.

Elvira.

I was just shoeing a horse for your trip tomorrow.

- Yeah, well, I thought I'd just bring you

a little something to remember me by.

A book!

Elvira, you are as generous as you are beautiful.

Ah, "Kama...

Sutra."

- Yeah. Have you read it already?

I'm afraid I haven't.

Oh, too bad.

- I hope there aren't too many big words.

- Yeah, well, don't worry about it.

I mean, it's mostly pictures.

Here, let me show you the first chapter.

I'm not sure I follow.

Oh, read on.

Mm.

[Humming]

[Gasping]

[Glass breaking]

Mmm...

Nicholai.

Elura...

At long last.

My brother would have my head if he knew about this.

Vladimere will never find out.

No!

[Screams]

Help me!

Help me! No!

Help me!

No!

Help!

Help me!

No, help me, Elvira!

[Screams]

[Dog barking]

[Thunder crashes]

[Gasps]

[Coughs]

[Thunder crashes]

[Thunder crashes]

Ugh!

[Muffled cries]

Who's there?

[Muffled cries]

Zou Zou, is that you?

What do you think you are, a freaking parakeet?

[Muffled cries]

[Muffled cries]

Oh, you will not believe this weird dream I had.

I think that Elura's buried alive down here somewhere,

and I think that I know who...

Ah!

How did you two get down here?

This dungeon has been locked for 100 years.

Yeah, right, and I suppose

you've never been down here either.

- Madam, I swear to you, I've never before set foot in...

in this place.

- Look, little Lord Paranoid, I didn't say you did.

I just said that if you are the only person with the key...

- It was in this foul dungeon that my great-grandfather,

Lord Lucian Hellsubus,

committed unspeakable acts of torture.

- Ooh, like, "Whip me, baby, whip me"?

In a nutshell, yes.

Ouch.

Oh, my God!

This is it!

It's this wall! It's...

It's the wall from my dream!

- What on Earth are you talking about, my dear?

[Gasps]

It wasn't a dream.

It really happened!

Elura didn't kill herself.

You killed her!

I had to do it, Elura.

Don't you see?

You wanted to leave me.

Leave this castle.

No one in the Hellsubus clan can ever leave,

as I told dear Roxana.

You mean Roxana was...

- Yes, about to be buried alive, too.

That's another unfortunate Hellsubus family trait.

Catalepsy.

Fear of cats?

- It's a condition which completely parallels

the look of death.

You mean, then...

she was...

and you knew?

- Yes. - And...

Yes, I'm afraid...

I'm afraid burying people alive

is another unfortunate Hellsubus family trait.

And now, Elvira,

it's time to send you back from whence you came.

To hell!

No!

- [Laughs] I shall rip your black heart out

and feed it to the carrion crows!

[Gags]

[Grunts]

[Groans]

- Sheesh, you'd think he would have learned by now.

[Door opening]

Ah, there he is.

Pretty as a picture.

It is rather amusing, isn't it, dearest?

Your first wife, Elura, an adulteress.

Your brother Nicholai, an adulterer.

Your second wife, an adulteress.

Your trusted doctor and friend, an adulterer!

[Laughs]

Mm!

[Moaning]

Ah!

[Cockney accent] Oy, mate!

[Whistles]

No, he's completely off it this time.

We've done it.

Look at the pathetic milksop.

He'd be better off dead.

- Yeah, but we wouldn't, would we, love?

And now that he's off his nut, you and I are completely

in control of the Hellsubus family fortune.

- And no one will question his need for constant care

from his trusted doctor,

with the help of his faithful wife, of course.

- I hope you've learned your lesson.

- Never sign a pre-nuptual agreement!

[Laughs]

[Creaking]

Elvira.

Oh. [Laughs]

How nice of you to join us.

- Hi there. Um, I was just leaving,

so I'll see you guys around!

No, you don't, love.

- Oh, no. Don't leave, Elvira.

The fun is just beginning.

[Laughs]

[Static crackles]

Never fear.

Joe Bob is here

with one more indispensable trick or treat tip.

[Laughing]

- You know, we just don't have time to cover

all the great Halloween traditions.

We'll have to save some for next year.

But most of them are really simple.

Halloween is always the week before Election Day, right?

So remember, 2020,

all you had to do is go through the neighborhood,

put the "Vote for Biden" signs in the Trump yards

and the Trump signs in the Biden yards.

And we got so much mileage out of that very little effort.

I mean, there were people doing eight hours scary makeup,

and we all pranked them

just with the campaign sign switcheroo.

There's always the old honey on the doorknob trick,

or for the hard core, super glue on the doorknob.

If you're going to do a bloody shower,

there's always that moment after you unscrew the showerhead.

Do I use Kool-Aid powder, or do I use Easter egg coloring?

I can tell you from years of experience,

go bunny rabbit with it, much bloodier.

I haven't covered fake mice in the egg carton in the fridge.

I haven't covered severed hand attached to the milk carton.

Bugs and spiders frozen inside the ice cubes.

Fake cockroaches all over the kitchen table.

The random severed finger.

But I'm going to close with this educational series

with the old standby -- TP.

[Laughter]

If you're going to toilet paper yard,

first of all, do not use Charmin or Bounty.

Too think.

You can't get a good long roll when you're hoisting

that over the tree branches.

Use the cheapest stuff you can buy -- single ply.

And do the trees first.

You can do the trees, especially these outer perimeter trees,

you can do these trees from the street side

before anybody notices.

You're going to want to do the -- everything inside you

is going to say, "I want to do the porch,

I want to get to that porch."

Resist that impulse.

For a proper TP, you need to establish a perimeter

and work toward the porch.

You can flee at any time, but you will probably get

very close to the house before you're interrupted.

And if you only get half of this done,

you know, here you go to the outer tree line.

You do the inner trees.

You're over here at the shrubbery and in the garden

that's right up on the house.

And then if you only get half of it done,

the visual from the street, from here,

if you only have gotten to one or two, or one, two, and three,

and you haven't gotten the real porch TP done yet,

the visual is still outstanding.

Okay, kids, that concludes our Halloween tutorial for 2022.

And remember, if there are no treats, take to the streets.

Halloween forever.

All right. You can take this away now.

All right.

- Don't leave. The fun is just beginning.

And so it is, as we realize that not only

is Dr. Bradley Bradley a charlatan,

but he has a Cockney accent.

- [Laughs] - Yeah.

- That's a nice touch. - I know.

- Was that in the script? - No, that was Scott's idea.

And all of a sudden, he went from upper class

Englishman to Cockney.

- He's just a limey from the --

- Yeah. So he was like another con artist, you know?

So he really, he threw that in, and we were like,

"Oh, this is so fabulous."

He was a very brilliant guy. I loved him.

- All right, well, we haven't talked much about the script,

but you wrote this with your partner,

John Paragon, another Groundling,

who also wrote "Elvira Mistress of the Dark"

and "Pee-wee's Playhouse."

And he was a great actor in his own right.

You guys worked together a lot, right?

We did.

We were writing partners for 20...

I can't remember how many years -- 20 something years.

Yeah, and sadly, John passed away.

I actually have him in my closet.

- What? - His ashes.

Yes, not his whole body.

- 2021. Something like that?

- Yeah, we're laying him to rest this November

at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

- Oh, wow. Okay. - Yeah.

- Are you going to acknowledge that he was

- Jambi the Genie -- - Oh, we are.

We have a little Jambi box built to put his ashes in.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

- Oh, that's great. We'll have to be there for that.

- Yeah. And we have a little sign.

"Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho."

- Shut up. - Yeah, that's great.

- I know, so I want the fans to be able to come and see him,

you know, for what he was best known for.

But behind the scenes, I mean, he was really part

of the Elvira character.

I mean, without John, I don't think

Elvira would be who Elvira is.

- So, you guys worked together in the same writing room?

- Yes, we did. And we had a blast.

We always worked together.

We'd watch the movies together,

and then just start throwing jokes back and forth.

And he would write up the script, physically do it.

But he and I would come up with all the jokes

for "Mistress of the Dark",

for all my "Movie Macabre" shows.

And it was invaluable. Brilliant guy.

- That's great. Well, and you had that --

I wanted to mention, also, you had that hot sex scene

with Gabi, the 19 non-English speaking

hunk-a-rama in the movie.

- Hunk-a-rama? - Was that a fun thing to do?

- It was sort of fun, except his wife

was standing like two feet away, like...

"What are you doing with Gabi?" You know?

So it was -- I was a little intimidated.

I was trying to relax, but, you know...

Awkward.

- It was a little awkward. - [Laughs] Yeah.

- All right, well, before I let you flee this scene

and go back to the Pacific Northwest,

tell me what's in store for your future and Elvira's future.

The paperback is out now.

Out this month. Just came out.

"Yours Cruelly, Elvira:

Memoirs of the Mistress of the Dark."

And now, does Elvira have a future?

Elvira...[Laughs]

Yes, I think Elvira does have a future.

I have a lot of things lined up.

I'm now working on my second book.

It's not an autobiography, as you might guess,

but it's a really awesome book.

Can't talk about it too much.

Just signed a contract two days ago.

But it does involve Elvira?

- Oh, it definitely involves Elvira.

I think it'll be a really fun book

for everybody who's into Halloween.

- Yay. - Okay.

- And then working on a couple of other projects, TV,

film projects, a documentary of my life based on the book.

And so I have a lot of other things going.

What about Knott's Berry Farm?

Is there ever a chance of going back to Knott's Berry Farm

and doing your big production Halloween show?

I mean, that was a staple.

That's where everyone went in L.A. every Halloween.

- It was, and it was a super, super fun show to do.

I mean, you know, Knott's turns into

completely haunted, you know, for the month of October,

and they did that show for I don't know how many years,

maybe 28, 32, I don't know.

But it's a damn hard show to do. You know, three shows a night.

And I was singing and dancing and telling jokes

and dressing up and changing costumes.

And I just got to the point where, like,

"This is too damn hard."

- [Chuckles] - So I quit.

[Laughter]

- Sorry. - All right, Cassandra,

what if we made it two shows a night, three costume changes?

Hm.

- How about one show a night, no costumes?

- Okay. - Sold.

- Alright! - Yay.

Calling Knott's tomorrow.

[Laughs]

- Alright, well, I've been honored to have you here

on "The Last Drive In."

You can come back at absolutely any time you want.

- Any time? - Any time.

- Any time. - You tell us the movie,

we'll run it.

How about I just host the show?

- Okay! - Okay.

We'll do that, too.

- Bye, bye. - Okay.

And now we return to the stunning conclusion

of "Elvira's Haunted Hills."

And I forgot to ask you about Maila Nurmi.

- Is that how you spell her name? - Yes.

- Say her name, Maila Nurmi? Vampira.

Yeah.

- Did you ever actually meet Vampira?

- Oh, yes. - Because I know she sued

the station that premiered "Movie Macabre"...

- Sued me, too. - ...in the '80s.

But you were always a class act.

You never said anything snarky about Maila.

- Well, if there's anything about Elvira

everybody knows, is that she's classy.

- [Laughter] - Yeah.

Well, did you meet Maila?

- Oh, yes. Yes, I sure did.

- Okay, well, you can start now being snarky if you want to.

- Okay, if you promise you won't tell anybody.

- I won't. - Okay.

Well, there were all these things about her...

[Static crackles]

Whoa!

[Rooster crows]

- Yoo-hoo, Elvira!

Your carriage awaits!

Elvira!

Hmm, maybe she's upstairs.

- God, it's great, isn't it? Look at the size of that rack.

Elvira, I must confess,

I find the sight of you in pain particularly arousing.

Ow!

- Careful, Bradley, or you'll be next.

I swear, you guys, I didn't hear a thing.

Ow!

About you and the doctor having an affair.

[Screams]

And -- and you trying to make Vladimere insane

so that you could steal the family jewels.

Ow, ow!

Nicholai!

[English accent] Oh, Vladimere.

How are you?

I must confess you're looking better.

Thank you, dear brother.

That's very kind.

- I think that -- Brother?

Vladimere, whatever on Earth do you mean?

It was always you, Nicholai!

- No! - Always you!

No.

- First you stole my toys. - No!

- Then our dear mother's sweet love,

and then finally, my beloved Elura.

You must die, Nicholai!

You must die!

Vladimere, no!

- As for you, you, too, will suffer for your

faithlessness, Elura.

- But, husband, I'm not Elura, I'm Ema!

Before this day is out,

you will beg me to release you from the unimaginable hell

into which you're about to be plunged.

[Gasps]

Die, die in agony, Elura!

[Screams]

I'm not Elura!

She is!

[Chuckles] Oh, that Ema!

She's such a kidder.

[Laughing]

Oh, forgive me.

My slutty adulteress, darling.

Hey, don't call me darling.

- Let me release you from your bondage.

Uh, yeah, that'd be great,

because I'm really not into this kinda thing anyway.

Ah! Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

No, the other way, the other way, the other way!

Whoops.

Please forgive me, my dear, but old habits die hard.

Yeah.

Wow.

[Cartoon noises]

Huh?

Elvira?

Elvira?

It's your stable stud.

Time to go to the train st--

- [Elvira screaming] - [Gasps]

[Screams]

Help me!

- Do you know where you are, Elura?

Shall I tell you where you are, Elura?

- Would you stop with the Elura stuff?

Elura is dead.

I'm Elvira, remember?

Life is like a music hall, yeah!

- Oh, prepare to enter hell, Elura, the netherworld,

the abode of the dead, the infernal regions.

That place of torment, pandemonium, abandonment,

that vast unbottomed place that's...

really, really hot.

Araka.

[Hissing]

Gehenna.

Hades.

The boundless...

- All right, all right, I got it, I got it.

Geez, will somebody take away his thesaurus?

- Don't interrupt when I'm on a roll, Elura.

Elvira!

Where are you?

I need help!

I'm in here, in the dungeon!

Oh, Elura.

In this place, no one can hear you scream.

No! [Screams]

Adrian, help!

Elvira!

Adrian!

Elvira!

- Now let me present for your final enjoyment, the pit...

and the pendulum!

[Laughing]

Oh, oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Adrian, Adrian, hurry!

Hurry!

[Screams]

[Laughing]

Adrian!

Where are you?

Elvira!

[Gasps]

[Laughing]

- Adrian, I haven't got all day here!

[Laughing]

Who is that laughing?

[Laughing]

Who is that laughing?!

- Hurry! Really, hurry up! I'm not kidding!

[Laughing]

Adrian, help!

Oh, oh!

[Bubbling]

Help, help!

- Hold on! - I can't!

Do I have to do everything myself?

Ah!

Oh!

Aah!

Ah!

[Screams]

You can never escape me, Elura.

[Elura's voice] No, it is you

who will never escape me, Vladimere!

[Grunts]

[Laughing]

[Groans]

[Screams]

My eyes! My eyes!

[Screaming, grunting]

- [Normal voice] Whoa, talk about your dysfunctional families.

[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Gasps]

My eyes, my eyes!

Help, Elura!

[Screaming]

Elvira!

Adrian!

You came too late!

Again.

Oh!

- Don't worry! We're safe now.

[Gasps]

[Rumbling]

[Muffled cries]

Oh, yeah, almost forgot.

It's your maid, Zou Zou.

What to do?

Here!

Keep your shirt on.

We've got everything under con--

[Screams]

Oh.

Here, give me your hand!

That's it.

- Come. - Come on, come on, hurry!

Move it!

Wait. Wait for me!

[Rumbling]

[Glass shatters]

Hurry!

[Rumbling]

This place is coming down!

- Bradley? Where are you going?

Save me!

Ema, there's no time!

It's you or the family jewels!

- If I ever get out of here, I'm going to kill you!

Right, it's the jewels then.

Damn you, Bradley!

Damn you!

[Rumbling]

[Horse neighs]

Wait, wait!

[Horse neighing]

[Grunting]

[Rumbling]

[Glass shattering]

[Rumbling]

Save me!

Save me!

My God! It's Ema!

She's still alive. I must go back.

- No, no, you can't go back in there.

What are you, nuts?

You don't understand, Elvira.

I'm Ema's illegitimate half-brother.

No!

Bye!

Come back, you crazy bastard!

[Rumbling]

[Grunts]

My jewels!

My jewels!

[Groans]

Ema!

Ooh, ow!

[Sobs]

[Rumbling]

[Rumbling]

Thank you, Elvira.

Oh, my God! That's...

that's incredible!

What, Mistress?

That the spirit of Elura is finally set free?

- No, that -- that we can afford such a groovy special effect!

Oh, oui!

[Laughing]

[Wolf howling]

- Remind me never to hitch a ride in a strange coach again.

[Horses neighing]

[Whimpering]

[Whimpers]

[Sighs]

- Yoo-hoo!

- [Boing!] - [Tires screeching]

[Horse neighing]

Ladies, may I offer you a ride?

- Whoa, it's like déjà vu all over again!

So anyway, we're lucky we even got out of there

with our lives.

- Oui, oui, if it was not for Elvira,

I would be squished like a French grape.

- Where did you say this castle was?

- Just there, in the Carpathian Mountains.

- Yeah, Castle Hellsubus. You ever heard of it?

[Chuckles]

You could not possibly have visited there.

- Hello. I think I know where I just spent

the worst weekend of my whole life.

- Castle Hellsubus was destroyed 100 years ago.

Oh!

[Wolf howling]

[Horses neighing]

[Laughing]

[Laughing]

[Horses neighing]

[Laughing]

[Thunder crashes]

♪♪

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♪♪

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♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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♪♪

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♪♪

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♪♪

♪♪

[Static crackles]

Darcy, what am I?

A priest?

- Yep, I'm a priest. What kind of priest, though?

Druid priest.

Remember that time I went to the vampire ball

- like a priest? - Yes.

- You're not scared to go the vampire ball...

- No. - ...dressed like priest.

Anyway, all right. one of the finest productions

ever to come out of Buftea, Romania,

home of Media Pro Studios, where they built

those massive interior sets for the Castle of Hellsubus.

The design of the set was actually based

on the 1963 Roger Corman film

"The Haunted Palace", starring Vincent Price.

But for my money,

the funniest character in "Elvira's Haunted Hills"

is the guy who doesn't speak any English,

Adrian the stable stud.

And his voice, by the way, was done by Rob Paulsen,

who volunteered for the job.

He was uncredited and unpaid. Rob just wanted to do it.

Rob is best known for voices

in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

We should do a "Where is he now?"

on the stable stud.

Yeah.

- And I also neglected to praise Heather Hopper,

who played Lady Roxana.

And she played, of course, zombie Lady Roxana.

She had been a child actress,

and she left the business shortly after this movie

came out to be a full time mom.

"Elvira's Haunted Hills" was directed by Sam Irvin.

Journeyman director, started out as an assistant

to Brian De Palma back in the '70s.

He was a nerd kid from Asheville, North Carolina.

Published a fanzine that allowed him to interview

all the most famous actors and directors of the time.

This audience would probably know him best

for his science fiction westerns.

"Oblivion" and "Oblivion 2."

Have you seen those? They're good.

- I have, yeah. - Those were also shot

in Romania.

Worked a lot with Liza Minnelli.

He's the -- Oh, And he's the world's leading authority

on Kay Thompson.

She's the nightclub singer and vocal coach

who was Judy Garland's best friend,

and wrote the Eloise children's books.

And anyway, "Elvira's Haunted Hills"

was not a success at the box office.

Cassandra and her husband/manager at the time,

Mark Pierson, had a lot of trouble getting distribution.

They took it out themselves.

They did a lot of benefit screenings for AIDS charities,

and they actually raised half a million dollars for

AIDS related causes.

Anyway, Darcy, what's your opinion of this movie?

I love it. Of course.

- You have anything with Elvira in it, though?

I really do.

- So, what's your stance on breaking the fourth wall?

It's Elvira. I expect it.

- If I have one major criticism of the movie

it's that they break the fourth wall too much.

You can do that once or twice, but constantly doing

that kind of takes you out of the narrative.

There's a narrative?

Okay, Good point.

What you got for me?

I have a sweet letter for you

from Sean Garrington of Wellsburg, Iowa.

- You keep giving me sweet letters.

I don't want sweet letters.

I've told you that.

This show has given me diabetes already.

- I mean, do you want hate letters?

How about just, you know,

movie discussion letters, film debate?

- Okay. I'm sorry that we have so many nice fans.

All right, anyway.

"Dear Joe Bob, I never miss an episode of

'The Last Drive-In.'

I was just out of high school when you were

on 'MonsterVision.'

I worked nights, so I had a VCR

set to record every Saturday night

just to make sure I didn't miss anything.

TNT, 'MonsterVision' and USA 'Up All Night'

were staples of my life.

You will be happy to know that Joe Bob has become

a mainstay in our household.

I do foster care, and I have adopted a couple of sons.

There's currently five children in my house

ranging in age from 3 to 13.

I try to keep them well-educated,

so I talk frequently about the legend of Joe Bob."

[Laughter]

"We even have what has become known as the Joe Bob chair.

It's an oversized auction find that I've been wanting

to put bullhorns on to look kind of similar

to the chairs in your dusk to dawn to dusk

to almost dawn horror marathon a couple of years ago.

We've also recently acquired a bearded dragon.

And guess what we've named him? Yep, Joe Bob.

We put our betta tank in with him.

And guess what her name is? Yep. Darcy the Mail Girl.

Once you see the set of fins on her, you will understand."

- What? - "Sean Harrington,

Wellsburg, Iowa."

Well, you're right. This is a sweet letter.

- It's a foster home. - Right?

He's telling all the orphans about our show.

- Did you ever watch "MonsterVision"

when you were in foster care? Weren't you in foster care?

- Group home It's very different.

- Okay. You can tell me later. - I will.

[Laughs]

Sean, thanks for the love.

And thanks even more for transferring the love

to those kids in foster care that need it.

- Aren't you ashamed of yourself now?

For what?

- For turning up your nose at such a sweet letter.

- It's nothing against Sean and the foster kids.

I just want to have more movie debates.

I used to have those all the time.

People would challenge what I said.

It was stimulating.

- I will try to find you more stimulating mail.

Thank you.

And now we're going to take a short break

and then head straight into our second feature,

which happens to be one of your favorite movies of all time.

- Yes, it does! - And we have the star of

the movie here with us tonight.

- You know what I'm talking about? - Yes, I do.

- I'm talking about "Popcorn"! - Yay! Love it! Whoo!

- And in the meantime, this is Joe Bob Briggs

and Darcy the Mail Girl reminding you

to always remember the law of cybernetic entomology --

there's always one more bug.

And the drive in will never die.

I thought in honor of "Elvira's Haunted Hills",

we needed a few vampire jokes.

Ooh, I love vampire jokes.

- Are any Halloween monsters good at math?

Not unless you count Dracula.

[Light laughter, groaning]

I love good vampire jokes.

- How do you know when Dracula has COVID?

He's always "coffin."

[Light laughter]

Very topical.

Very topical. Yes.

Why did Dracula become a vegan?

Because this doctor said stakes were bad for his heart.

[Laughter]

That's just good advice.

- Why did Dracula fail art class?

He could only draw blood.

[Laughter]

Okay. Okay.

- Where does Dracula have his headquarters.

The vampire state building.

[Silence]

No. [Laughs]

- What's the difference between the two Vladimirs,

Dracula and Putin?

One kills innocents and has eternal youth.

The other is Dracula.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Topical. - Yeah, I know, I know.

Wow.

- What does Dracula do when he needs money?

Puts up nude pictures on "Only Fangs."

- All right, I think that's enough for tonight.

- Are you sure? - I'm sure.

[Laughter]

I was like...

- I'm sure. - Okay.

♪♪

[Static crackles]