All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S04E05.The.Will.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS-ing

- Hey.

- Hey.

- You know, I almost died today.

- Really?

- That's what you say
when I tell you I almost died?

- What am I
supposed to say?

- "oh, my god, ray.

Are you all right?"

- What happened?

- I'm in the press box,
right?

I'm watching the game,

- Yeah.

- And I'm eating
a soft pretzel,

But these pretzels
they have,

They're not moist,
you know.

They're bigger
than the other ones,

But they're very dry.

Anyway, the salt
doesn't stick to them.

It just falls everywhere.

- Oh, my god.

Are you okay?

- You gonna mock?

You just gonna mock?

- All right, I'm sorry.

Okay, so the salt didn't
stay on your pretzel.

- Yes.

All right, so I'm--

I'm bending down to wipe
the salt off my shirt,

And bam!

A foul ball
comes flying into the booth.

It came this close
to hitting me.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I felt its wind.

And then I turned,
and andy,

Who just got
a turkey and cheese sandwich,

The ball knocks it
off his tray.

The soda, pickles, chips,
chocolate cake, everything.

- You get chocolate cake
in the press box?

- It was Friday.

We get a different cake
every Friday.

But you're
missing the point.

I'm getting the point.

A ball bounced into your world
and disturbed paradise.

- Yeah, but the ball doesn't
just bounce in there, okay?

You don't know
what it's like

When a foul ball
comes at you.

- Don't children catch them?

- Yeah, they catch
the ones that come--

"oh, look, ballie, ooh."

But this one came in,
"ray barone."

- But at the last minute,

It said,
"chocolate cake."

- Yeah, yeah.

All right, make fun, okay?

When the ball does
take my head off,

Maybe you won't be so
mockulatory.

Hey.
- Hey.

Listen, honey, can you be home
by 6:00 tonight?

I made an appointment
with an attorney.

- Well, nine years.

I had seven in the pool.

- He's meeting with us
about our wills.

- Wills?

No, no, no.

I do not want a will.

It's bad luck.

Look, you've been
putting this off for years.

Okay, and I would think you'd
wanna be prepared,

Especially after your
near-death experience.

- Near death.

I was going for pity sex.

- You know,
I don't understand you.

I mean, you were fine
when we did the life insurance.

- Insurance is too dull
to be scary.

By the way,
how much do you get if I die?

- $800,000.

- That was a little fast.

Yeah.

Your social security number,
you got to look that up.

But that number?

Oh, yeah.

Right there, right on
the tip of your tongue.

- Ma wanted me to tell you
she's making frittatas.

- Hey, robert, you have a will,
right?

- Why?

What did you hear?

Is that why
ma's making frittatas?

- Ray and I were
talking about wills,

And he doesn't
want to make one.

- Oh, why not?

- Because he thinks
it's gonna tempt fate.

- No, no, no, silly.

If you don't have a will,
you're tempting fate.

"I don't need a will.

I'm gonna live forever."

Manhole.

- I don't know.

- Raymond, listen to me.

You need to have a will

And eat a fibrous breakfast
every morning

And nothing can tough you.

- Mabye you're right.

- Oh, that's what convinces you?

I've been talking to you
about this for six years.

- You didn't fall
in a manhole.

He knows how
to get through to me.

- See if you can
get him to floss.

- Whatever you need.

- That's it, all right.
We're doing a will.

I'm loading up on fiber.

And you're out 800 large.

- Yeah.

- All right,
this all looks good.

- We should put something
in there that if I die

You can't marry
another man named ray.

- Excuse me?

- Well, because eventually
everyone would call him ray

And me "dead ray".

- I don't think I can--

- Just ignore him.

- All righty.

Now, all that
remains is the issue

Of who should be granted
guardianship of the children.

- What do you mean?

- Guardianship
in the event

That both of you
die at the same time.

- Wow, party pooper.

Well, I guess that would be
my parents frank and marie--

- Uh, ray, I don't know

If they're really
the best choice.

- Well, I mean,
they're over here

All the time anyway, right?

They know
where everything is.

- Just because
they're convenient

Doesn't mean they're
the right choice.

- You want your parents?

That's not exactly
a kid-friendly house.

All the pointy
metal sculptures.

And your father,
you know...

- Ray.

We'll have to
discuss this.

- Discuss.

Here we go.

Hey, maybe you better
take us off the meter.

Take your time.

- Look, it doesn't
have to be a relative.

- No?

- No, I mean, the character
of the couple

Is what's important.

You know, what are their values?

Are they loving?

Are they patient?

Are they honest?

- If we find
people like that,

We should give them
the children right now.

- You know what?

We don't have
to complete this now.

Once you two
get this ironed out,

You can just call me
with the name.

- Okay, we'll probably
call you tomorrow.

- Unless we die
before then,

In which case,
you get 'em.

Hope you got a sofa bed.

I think he likes me.

- Yeah.

We got to think about this,
though.

We got to think about this.

Who are we gonna get?

- Well, I don't know.

- I hate everyone.

- Yeah, see, me too.

- Oh, wait, wait, wait.

What about
bernie and linda?

- They just had a baby.
- Yeah, exactly.

- So why would they want more?

Look, they'll be
experienced parents,

And we love them.

- Yeah, I guess they're good.

And bernie always has
candy in his pocket.

- They should definitely
be the ones.

- All right, okay,
so we're settled?

- Yeah.

So it's
bernie and linda.

We have a will,

And you're still alive.

Hey.

Guess we didn't displease
any of your vengeful gods.

- Hi, dears.

I saw you had some
store-bought pudding,

And I thought the children might
want to try something homemade.

- Thank you very much.

- Okay.

"attorney at law"?

What's the matter?

- Nothing.

- Are there
marital problems?

- No.

We were just making out
our wills, marie.

- Oh, good for you, honey.

See, that shows a lot
of foresight, raymond.

- Yup.

Isn't it good
to get it all out of the way

And know that everything
now is under control,

And you'll never have to worry
about the children?

- Yup.

- Marie?

- Yeah.

- We decided
that bernie and linda

Are gonna be
their guardians.

- Thanks for the pudding.

- You're leaving
the children to strangers?

- Ma, bernie and linda
aren't strangers.

- Please, you don't owe me
any explanation.

They're your children.

It's your life, isn't it?

- That's been the dream.

- I don't want to keep you.

I just came over to
try to, you know, help.

- Ma, if bernie and linda
drop dead,

You're on deck.

- Well, thank you.

Oh, and that's
for the children.

Tell 'em it's from
a friend.

You know, actually,

This could be a good lesson
for me:

To learn to be content
with what is

And not to hope for
what could be.

- So what could be is
us dying,

And you raising
our children.

- Well, not anymore.

- I saw pudding skin
in the sink.

- Oh, frank.

Have you heard, frank?

Apparently, you and I
are not fit parents.

- I still want pudding.

- Hey.
- Oh, and you.

You're not up to
their standards, either.

- I know.

What are we
talking about?

- We had to pick guardians
for the kids.

- And it's not us?

- No.

- Okay.

- You wouldn't have
wanted the kids?

- Would you?

- I wasn't even asked.

- Well, robert,
we just, you know--

- Who'd you pick?

- Linda and bernie
gruenfelder.

- Bernie gruenfelder.

Ah, let's see.

A chubby jet ski salesman

Versus a blood-related
protector of the people.

Ah, well,
that's a no-brainer.

- Where's the whipped cream?

- Marie, please try
to understand.

- I understand.

You prefer to give your children
to gypsies instead of me.

- Ah, cheer up, marie.

We just dodged
three screamin' bullets.

Hey, did he take
the pudding?

Hey.

Pudding.

- Oh, I know what it is.

It's your father,
isn't it?

Now, listen to me.

If you were to--
god forbid--

And I get the children,

I'm willing to leave him.

- Oh, she is just
a little angel.

- Yeah, when
she's sleeping.

- You should hear
the set of lungs on her.

Whoo.
- Oh, yeah.

When she's unhappy,
you know it.

- Yeah, babies are loud.

You know who's quiet,
though?

Older kids.

- Yeah, well,
your kids are great.

- Yeah, yeah, they are.

- So, linda, motherhood
really agrees with you.

You look fantastic.

- Thank you.

I'm wearing more makeup
than a drag queen.

- And nursing bras,

Are they as horrible
as they used to be?

- They're very complicated.

- That's another good thing
about the older kids.

Forget about the breast.

You feed 'em right out
of the fridge.

- Ray, please.

- Well, you do.

- Was that an awake sound
or a sleep sound?

- Oh, I don't know.

Just write down,
"sound at 7:07."

- All the books say
to keep a sleep journal.

- Oh, bernie loves
the books.

Helps me feel
a little more in control.

- That's from
one of the books.

- It's not yours!

I hate you, I hate you,
I hate you!

"7:08, havin' fun."

- You want help me
in the kitchen, ray?

Yeah, all right.

- Get away from me!
- Oh, boy.

- Thanks.

- What is the matter
with you?

- Nothing, it's just,

The kids are ruining it.

- You're ruining it.

We're not trying
to sell 'em a used car.

- Maybe we should
throw in the car.

- Would you just
act normal, huh?

Let's just get it over with
and ask 'em.

- Okay, okay, okay.

How you gonna ask 'em?

- I don't know.

I can't rehearse it.

You can't just say,

"hey, when we die
and you go to the funeral,

Bring the minivan."

- Oh, hello.

I noticed you had company.

Well, what do you know?

If it isn't bernie
and linda gruenfelder.

- Robert, they're just
over for dinner.

- Oh, just dinner?

I don't think so.

Why is your shirt
tucked in tonight, raymond?

This is no ordinary dinner.

You're giving away
the children, aren't you?

- Robert, don't make
a big deal out of it.

- It is a big deal.

How could you
choose them over me?

I'm family.

- We love you, robert,

But there's
a lot of factors, okay?

We put a great deal
of thought into this.

You're single, and you
have a dangerous job.

- And if you were to
drop one of them,

It's very, very far.

- And also, most importantly,

You have no respect for me
as a human being.

- Oh, that is not true.

- Look, you know, it's
none of my business, okay?

Ally, michael,
and geoffrey gruenfelder.

Oh, rolls right off
the tongue.

- Hey, whoa,
where you going, man?

- I thought I'd leave
via the front door.

Or is that just
for fit guardians?

- She's adorable.

- Marie, what are you
doing here?

- Oh, well, I saw a strange car
parked in the driveway,

And I thought
something might be wrong.

- Okay, if you don't mind,

We'd like to spend
the evening alone

With linda
and bernie tonight.

- Well, I just came over
to see the baby.

You know
how I love children.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Look, here's one of yours now.

Why don't you go
put him down for a nap?

- It's okay, ray.

Madeline, I'd like to introduce
you to mrs. Barone.

- The books say
not to use baby talk.

- Oh, you're book parents.

- Marie.

- Yeah, you know,
the books are great.

But there's a lot of
stuff you can learn

From experience you just can't
get from the books.

- Oh, yeah?

- A lot of emergency
situation stuff.

- Ray.
- Robert.

- Yeah, let's say your child
or a child in your care

Has put a cocoa puff
up his nose.

- What do you do?

- Cocoa puff?

- That's an interesting
question, robbie.

What would you do?

- They'd do the right thing.

Coffee?

- Yeah, anyone want coffee?

- I'd love some.

- Stuck cocoa puff.

It's a quandary.

- Does that really happen?

- Oh, yes, it happens.

Doesn't it, raymond?

- Happened to me
when I was eight.

- And ten.

- So what would you do, dear?

- Tweezers?

- Absolutely never.

- Emergency room?

- Nope.

- All right, stop.

You crunch and blow.

- Crunch and blow?

- I am very sure
I'm gonna remember that one.

- Okay, that's great.
- That was fun.

- Give me another.

- All right. Let's say
you're driving

Your seven-year-old to school,

And she keeps turning the radio
louder and louder

While you're driving.

What would you do?

- You tell her to stop
in a firm but loving manner.

- No, linda?

- Ignore it.

- Excuse me?

- Well, you let her
turn it up loud,

And then she'll,
she'll realize

How unpleasant that is,

And then she'll
turn it off herself.

- An excellent answer.

If you could explain
what a seven-year-old

Is doing in the front seat
to begin with.

- My, my, my.

- Okay, all right.

You can leave now;
you ruined everything.

- Ruined?
I've been trying to help.

- You're a maniac;
go.

- By the way, I couldn't
help but notice

That your infant car seat
was positioned improperly.

- Have a good evening.

- Hey, dinner and a show.

- Oh, sorry about them.

But actually, we did ask you
over here for a reason.

- Now?

Maybe we should get
really hammered first.

- You know, ray and I were
talking about our wills,

And well, we just think
you're great parents,

And we were wondering
if you would want to be

The guardians of our kids

If anything should
happen to us.

- And just so you know,
we're not planning anything.

- Oh, that is so beautiful.

- Wow.

This is big.

- We love ally, michael,
and geoffrey.

We love all of you.

- Oh, we love you, too.

That's why
we thought of you.

- Boy.

I don't think so.

- What?

- I mean, we're so flattered,
but...

- Your family's nuts.

- Yeah, there's nothing
in the books about that.

- Maybe you want
to think it over.

- No, I'm sorry.

You know, if there's
an accident

That takes them out
the same time as you, maybe.

- That's okay.

- I feel just terrible
about this.

- Oh, no, that's okay.

Believe me,
I understand.

I understand.

- Hmm.

- Well, we should get
madeline to bed.

- It's getting late
here, yes.

Oh, listen, I got some candy
for ally and the twins.

- Oh, okay.

Good, thanks;
thanks for that.

It was good to see you.

- Hey, I hear you're
getting the kids.

Congratulations.

- No, dad.

It's not really gonna
work out, so--

- What do you mean?

These are really great kids.

It's all right, dad.

It's okay.

All right,
I'll see you, guys.

- Good night.

- How did you get out of it?

- The wallaces.

- No.

Their house
smells like feet.

Well, that's it,

'cause we've gone
through everybody.

- How about the "z"s?

- "bronx zoo."

- I saw that documentary,

That kid that was
raised by wolves.

Right?

He's a dentist now.

- No, there's got to be someone,
you know?

Someone else.

Oh, please, someone.

- We could always do
cold calling.

- It looks like the kids
are stuck with your parents.

- I will say this
about your father:

He is a happy drunk.