All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S03E04.Getting.Even.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS-ing

Huh?
- It's nice, nice, yeah.

- Yeah.
- That's nice.

- No, no--
don't touch it!

The glue's not dry yet.
I made it for the auction.

- What auction?

- The auction, ray.

You know, it's all
I've been talking about

For the past month, right?

I'm on
the organizing committee.

The auction
for ally's school,

For the playground
equipment?

The auction!

- I know.
I remember.

I remember.
The auction.

You're on the committee
for the playground equipment.

It's all you've been
talking about...

I listen to you!

- Excu--excuse me?
Excuse me.

Um...Hi.

Welcome to our lady of faith's
auction night.

Uh, I'm debra barone.

Hi, mary.

Um...

Um, well, we're gonna start
the live auction

So this is your last chance
to sign up for the silent one.

And I hope everybody's
having a lot of fun.

Thank you.

- Frank, you're bidding
on a pedicure?

Why are you signing up
for all these things?

- Leave me alone.

I'm just trying
to drive the prices up.

- You're just trying
to be a big shot.

On one little thing
that you really like--

- Hey, hey, hey...

Silent auction!

- I can't do this.

Why did I let her
talk me into this?

I don't want to be
in front of people.

I don't want to be
no stinkin' auctioneer.

- You gonna eat
that spumoni?

- Hey, ray, it's time.
Come on.

- Listen, no.

Why--why doesn't
robert do it?

He's tall.
He's got a good voice.

- Yeah, they'd hear me.

- You should do it.
You can talk...

- Yeah, okay.
Just speak.

- You have a--

Uh, hi.

Hi, everybody.

I guess it's time
for the live auction.

I'm ray.

I'm ray, the auction guy,

And, uh...

How about a hand
for the roast beef, huh?

Let's hear it
for that roast beef!

I guess--
what, are the rest of you

Veterinarians or something?

I mean vegetarians.

Uh, anyway, listen,
we're here for the kids

Because--'cause
they're the future,

And they deserve--they deserve
a new playground, really,

So they can slide
and swing upside down and...

Break their necks.

- Just start.

- Okay. Uh, here we go.

We're gonna start with the, uh--
with the jewelry box,

Where you, uh...

- Put your jewelry.

- You put your jewelry
right in that.

And we'll start
the bidding at...

What?

- 20.
- Dollars?

Yeah. $20! $20.

Who's gonna bid $20

For this fine piece
of craftsmanship?

It's finely crafted
by a fine craftsman

Who I happen
to sleep with.

Sorry.

Uh...So, 20,
that's all.

Let's start the bidding
at $20.

It's a fine piece.
Look at the fine drawers.

$20. It's...

15.

How about $15?
Whoop.

Do I hear $3 for this finely,
finely crafted

Pile of rubble almost?

Who's got a bag?

If you got a bag,
you can have it.

Oh, a mercy bid,
right there!

Thank you.

Thank you,
officer barone!

You can lock up your tiny
little prisoners in there.

Although I think it's gonna
be easy for them to get out.

Yeah, everything
my wife touches falls off,

So you can guess
how scared I am.

Yeah.

Hey, puddle pants.

Give gumby
some pokey.

Whoa.

I don't want to say
that was cold,

But if your mouth opened,
a little light would come on.

- I'm just not really
in the mood, okay?

- Come on...Come on,
not in the mood.

Tonight was great, huh?

The kids got
the new playground,

And I got the golf thing.

You got to go home
with the auctioneer, huh?

So...Who's in the mood?

Hey, do I hear
"in the mood"?

- Aren't you afraid
if I touch it, it'll fall off?

- Hmm.

That was a good joke,
wasn't it?

That was good.

People asked me
if I planned that, you know?

I said, "no, I just
came up with it like that."

- You're a brilliant farceur.

- Come on.

Oh, I know...
You're mad at the jokes.

- You just couldn't stop,
could you, ray?

- I was killing 'em.

I was killing 'em.
It was great.

That box falling apart,

That was the best thing
that could've happened.

That broke the ice.

- Well,
you embarrassed me.

- No. It was all fun.
Come on.

I tell you, people thought
that we did it on purpose.

- I felt...
Humiliated.

- Oh, well,
don't feel humiliated.

- Don't tell me
how to feel.

- But you're wrong.

- There's no right
or wrong, ray.

This is how I feel.

You cannot tell me
not to be humiliated.

I just am!

- Okay, all right.
Feel humiliated.

- Well, I don't anymore.

- Okay. All right.
Good, good.

- Now I'm just angry,
you know?

I mean, I can't believe--
I can't believe--

You--you know, it's bad enough
what you did to me tonight,

But you don't even care
how I feel about it, you know.

All you care about is how well
you did, you laugh whore.

- Maybe you should go back
to being humiliated.

Come on. What are you--

Don't be
such a bad sport.

- What if you were me?
What would you do?

- I would laugh
at all my husband's jokes,

Strip off my clothes,
have my way with him,

And then put on tv.

- Keep dreaming.

- I would--I'd be so naughty.

I-I might even talk dirty.
Ooh!

- So let me
get this straight.

What you did to me tonight
wouldn't bother you?

- Bother?
Come on, I would be flattered.

- Oh, yeah?
All right, we'll see.

- What? What?

What do you mean
"we'll see"?

- None of your business.

- Oh...

What are you gonna do,

Try and get me
or something?

- Let's just say
prepare to be flattered.

- Come on.

You know, they say couples
shouldn't go to bed angry.

- I'm not angry anymore, ray.
Good night.

- Oh, you're not angry
anymore?

I might not believe you.

You might have
to prove that.

Oh...Okay, I see.

That's how you're gonna get me,
holding back sex?

Oh, yeah, how original.

You think
that's gonna get me?

I'm a sex camel.

Holding back sex.

Sex camel...
That's a good one.

Sex camel.

I should write that one down.
I really should.

- Laugh it up, funnyman.

- Okay, what?

What, you think
I'm scared now?

I'm not scared, girlie.
Huh?

You hear me?
I'm not scared.

I'm not scared.

Ah! Oh! Ow! Mommy!

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a little
temporary blindness.

- Listen, ray, you know,

I was thinking
about the auction last night

And, uh, all the jokes
that you made,

And, you know, I was
taking myself too seriously.

You were right.
So I just want to apologize.

- Really?

- Yeah, yeah.

You know,
because the fact is,

You were just
a great auctioneer,

So, you know, thank you.

- What about you saying
that you were gonna get me back?

- Oh, that was just in the heat
of the moment, you know.

I'm not gonna get you.

- I want juice.

- What do you say, ally?

- Puh-lease.

- You want something,
ray?

- Juice is good.
Please.

- You know, there's really
only enough left for ally.

Do you want something else?
How about soda?

- Soda?
What, for breakfast?

- It's all we have, so...

- All right.

- Mommy, may I have a soda,
please?

- Well, that was
a very nice way

To ask for it, ally.

No, honey.

- Wait a minute.

You shook this,
didn't you?

- What? No.

- Come on.
Soda for breakfast.

You want this
to explode in my face.

- Why would I want that?

- Uh, we all know why.

Huh?
Soda in my face...

Ben gay
in my shorts...

Ex-lax
in the brownies.

I went to camp.

- I'm not gonna
get you, ray.

- How about
the grapefruit?

- What, you think
I rigged a grapefruit

To squirt in your eye?

- Doesn't really sound
like a denial.

- Listen, I'm telling you,
I'm not going--

- I know you're telling me
you're not

So I will think
you will not...

But I am not
that big an idiot.

- Ray, nothing's
going to happen,

So just drink your soda.

- You drink it.
- I don't want it.

- Aha! Yeah.

Hey, how about...
I'll give it to ally.

- I don't want her
having soda for breakfast.

- Just to open for me.

- Okay, go--fine.

- Yeah, you would do that?

You would let it explode
in your own daughter's face,

Your own flesh and blood.

- Go ahead. Go ahead.

- What kind of mother
are you?

- The kind of mother
who's gonna be awarded custody

When they take you
to the booby hatch.

Ally, go get dressed,
honey.

- Debra, what kind of con game
are you running?

- It's your own fault, frank.

Who told you to sign up
for all those things?

- I didn't expect
to win this crap.

- It's not crap, frank.

- Oh, yeah?

$80 for the use
of a canoe.

That is...
Floating crap.

- Some people would consider
a canoe ride romantic.

- Guess you didn't
see "deliverance."

- Ray, you gonna drink this
or what?

- Oh, okay.

Yeah, you got your audience
now, right?

Everybody--
see, I open the--wssh!

Yeah, big laugh
on raymond.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

No, dad. Dad, no--

- What's your problem?

- See? I told you.

- Yeah, you did.

Of course, of course,
of course.

Why would you settle
for soda?

That's not satisfying.

You see me spill soda
on myself every day.

It's gonna be much bigger
than soda, isn't it?

My car...My job...

My most intimate of areas.

I'm watching you.

I'm watch--

- Okay. I'll give him
the message.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

- Oh, hi, honey.

- Hi, that was clarence,

The guy who's coordinating
your celebrity golf thing.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, he said
you should use

The west entrance
of the country club.

- West entrance.
Okay, got it.

- And bring
your rubber spikes

Instead
of the metal ones.

- Really?
Okay, thanks.

- Okay.

- You see that?
She's evil.

- What?

- I told you.

I told you.
It's bigger than soda.

That--ooh, that's where
it's all going down,

At the pro-am.

- Oh, you mean
where she's gonna get you?

- Shut up!

Yes, of course.
It's perfect.

She's always been jealous
of my golf.

She knows
how much I love it

And how much time and money
I spend on it.

She wants to humiliate me
with my mistress.

I know her, man.

I know her.
I am hip to her jive.

But--but she's hip to me, too,
so that's why--

Listen, you got to go in there
and find out what she's up to.

- How?

- Do what cops do.
I don't know.

Just get the truth.

Make her talk
before she lawyers up.

Come on, just--
use the big light.

- What are you--loopy?

She's your wife.
She's not gonna humiliate you.

- I don't have time
to explain marriage to you.

Please.
Come on, just go do it.

Hey...

Debra's soda. Okay.

- Are you gonna
get raymond?

- No.

- What? What?
What?

- She's not
gonna get you.

- How do you know?

- 'cause I said,
"are you gonna get raymond?"

She said, "no."
case closed.

- That's it?

- Oh, yeah.

And she also said
the twins aren't yours.

- Come on.
Come on. Yeah.

Really,
what's going on?

- Raymond, I know when people
are up to something.

I can smell it.

- And she smells
all right?

- She smells very good.

- Oh, my god.
She got to you, didn't she?

Yeah.
You're both in on it.

- Brother,
you're talking crazy.

- Sure. No, you'd love
to get me, too, huh?

- What?

- You'd love
to see me humiliated.

Isn't that right,
my brother?

- Raymond, raymond,
raymond.

- All right.

Wake up. Wake up.

- What? What's wrong?

- Just so you know,
I canceled it.

- What?
Canceled what?

- The golf outing.
I backed out.

- What? Why?

Why?
Because you smell, sweetheart.

- Oh, my god.
I have to leave you.

- No, no, no.

That's where
you're gonna do it.

That's where
you're gonna set your trap.

I know how your mind works.

- You don't even know
how your mind works, all right?

I'm not going to get you.

- Will you just do it?
All right? Come on.

Whatever you're gonna do,
just do it now,

'cause I can't take it anymore.

- You're really worried
about this.

- I'm not worried, okay?
I'm anxious.

- Oh, so you're feeling anxious?
- I'm feeling anxious.

- Well, you shouldn't
feel that way.

- What?
- Don't feel that way.

- Don't tell me how to feel!

- And there it is.

- Huh?

- I'll just give you a moment
to put it together.

After the auction, ray,

When I was feeling
embarrassed and humiliated,

Didn't you say
the same thing to me?

"don't feel that way."
you remember that?

- Yeah, I do.

I do remember that,

'cause that's when
you started torturing me.

Oh! Oh.

So you didn't do anything?

You let me do this to myself.

All week long,
I could have had soda.

I could have had brownies.

I could have worn underwear.

So it was all me.

That's how you got me.

- Nothing I could think of

Could screw you up more

Than what's already
in that beautiful mind.

Good night, ray.

- That's right,
beautiful mind...

'cause it takes
a beautiful mind

To come up with not canceling
the golf outing

But telling you that I did

Just to get you
to spill your guts.

Okay?

You're not
the only clever one.

You zig. I zag.

- You canceled it,
didn't you?

- Yes!

- You see, frank?
No mosquitoes.

Oh-ho,
oh, this is lovely.

I'm so glad we won this.

You're always
against anything good,

Anything I might like.

Cost too much money.

You just have to--
why can't you just enjoy life?

Oh, here we go!

Frank? Frank! Frank!

What are you doing?

I don't have a paddle!

Frank!

Oh, frank!