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1
00:00:05,438 --> 00:00:07,639
- Oh, look who's here.
2
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:09,108
Guys, I got to go, okay?
I'm late.
3
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:10,175
- Okay.
- I'll see you guys.
4
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,477
- All right, bye.
- Bye.
5
00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:13,379
- Bye, dad.
- Bye.
6
00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:15,214
I'm late.
7
00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:17,216
- Yeah, ray, listen, ally drew
this picture of our family,
8
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:18,784
And now she wants to put it
up on the fridge.
9
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,285
- Yeah, so?
10
00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:21,286
- Well, look at it.
11
00:00:21,288 --> 00:00:22,454
There's ally and the twins,
12
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:23,455
And there's you and me,
13
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:26,091
And, look at your parents.
14
00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:27,359
- Oh, she made them giants.
15
00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:30,162
- Yeah.
16
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:31,730
- With sharp teeth and claws.
17
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,535
- Yeah, and they're
attacking our house.
18
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,070
- Stop it,
I'm showing him.
19
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,571
- No, this way.
It goes this way.
20
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,807
- She's very perceptive.
21
00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:43,108
- We can't put this
on the fridge.
22
00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:44,610
Your parents
are going to see it.
23
00:00:44,612 --> 00:00:46,545
- Do you like
my picture, daddy?
24
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,180
- Um, yes, I do.
I do, sweetie.
25
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:49,748
- Honey, how come you made
grandma and grandpa
26
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,216
Look so scary?
27
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,551
- That's not
grandma and grandpa.
28
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,254
Those are
Halloween monsters.
29
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:57,623
- Oh.
- Okay.
30
00:00:57,625 --> 00:01:01,460
- Grandma and grandpa
aren't monsters.
31
00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:07,699
- Ah, youth.
- Yup.
32
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:13,505
- Hi, I'm ray, and I live here
in long island
33
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:16,775
With my wife debra,
34
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:19,645
My six-year-old daughter,
and twin two-year-old boys.
35
00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:20,646
Whee!
36
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:23,582
My parents...
37
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,484
Live across the street.
38
00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:35,594
That's right.
39
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:45,704
That's right.
40
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,606
- They're gonna call it, man.
There's no way.
41
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,141
There's no way
they're gonna get it in.
42
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,310
- So none of these
are real massages?
43
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,280
- Well, andy,
why would a real masseuse
44
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,116
Have a black bar
across her eyes?
45
00:01:59,719 --> 00:02:01,620
- You know why?
The black matches her whip.
46
00:02:05,191 --> 00:02:07,759
- So all of this is sex?
47
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,862
- Yes, it's sex.
48
00:02:09,864 --> 00:02:11,763
- Then these prices
are very reasonable.
49
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,503
- Press box.
50
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:19,171
Yeah, hold on one second.
51
00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:21,206
Kevin, it's roy firestone.
52
00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,207
- Ooh. Roy's calling.
53
00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:23,842
- "ooh. Roy's calling.
54
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:26,145
"I'm on tv with roy.
55
00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:27,746
Mmm, roy firestone."
56
00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:29,515
- You're not a little jealous,
are you, andy?
57
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:30,816
- No, I'm not jealous.
58
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:33,285
So kevin does the play-by-play
for the mets,
59
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:36,488
And I'm just
his humpbacked stat guy.
60
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,656
Well, you know what?
61
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,458
Without me, he wouldn't
know what to say.
62
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:42,728
He'd open up his mouth,
and meat would fall out.
63
00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:43,829
- Thanks.
Yep, I'll tell him now.
64
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,364
All right, roy.
65
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,332
Yeah!
You know who that was?
66
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:50,235
That was
roy freaking firestone.
67
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:52,938
- Did he ask you
to a sleepover?
68
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,740
- You, my friend,
are gonna be on tv.
69
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,575
- Me?
What are you talking about?
70
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,243
- Harvey johnson's
taking a vacation,
71
00:02:58,245 --> 00:02:59,511
And roy wants you
to fill in with us
72
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,580
On sportscall
with roy firestone.
73
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:02,714
- Get out of here.
74
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:03,715
Come on, I don't--
75
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,783
I don't know tv.
76
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,251
I'm a sportswriter.
77
00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:08,654
- Roy specifically asked
for a newspaper guy
78
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:11,823
Or a chinese person.
79
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:13,258
- Wait a minute.
80
00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:14,626
Wait, wait, wait,
that's a live tv show.
81
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:15,861
- It's 30 minutes.
82
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,696
Come on, it's the easiest money
you ever made.
83
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,431
- Easier than
the 40 bucks he got
84
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:23,235
When you couldn't do
seven push-ups?
85
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:24,236
- It was ten, andy.
86
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,638
I couldn't do ten push-ups.
87
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,574
- It doesn't matter
because you stopped after two.
88
00:03:31,477 --> 00:03:32,611
- So you're in, right?
89
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:33,946
- I don't know.
I got to--
90
00:03:33,948 --> 00:03:35,347
Come on, I got to
think it over.
91
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:36,615
- I got to let them know
tonight, ray.
92
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:37,783
- Roy wants me?
93
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:39,351
Come on, he knows who I am.
94
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,519
- Everybody knows who you are.
95
00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:41,887
You know sports, you --
96
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,289
You get to the heart,
the poetry, that is sports.
97
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:48,427
- Oh, I'm having the stomach
that is nauseous.
98
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,962
- You're sure he knows me.
99
00:03:49,964 --> 00:03:51,230
- Yes!
- He's read my stuff?
100
00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:52,764
- He knows it all.
Come on!
101
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,600
- But you think I'll do
all right on there?
102
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:55,867
- You're gonna do great,
man, come on.
103
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:56,868
- All right, I'll do it.
104
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,403
- Yeah, that's the man I know.
105
00:03:58,405 --> 00:03:59,371
- Oh, man,
I got to call debra.
106
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:00,872
- Yeah, look at you.
107
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:02,507
- Debra's gonna flip, man,
when she hears this.
108
00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:04,876
- Whoo!
Tv big shot.
109
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,478
- Hi.
Oh, hi, michael.
110
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:07,579
Michael answered the phone.
111
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,248
His first time.
He's never done that.
112
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,249
- Huh, first time.
113
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:13,318
What is he, 14 now, ray?
114
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,453
- He's two.
115
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,388
Yeah, hi, it's daddy.
116
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,856
No, I know daddy's not home.
117
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:18,857
I'm daddy.
118
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,559
No, I'm daddy!
119
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:22,327
Yeah, I--
is mommy--
120
00:04:22,329 --> 00:04:23,328
Hello?
121
00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:25,364
No, don't go get daddy!
122
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,466
He dropped the phone.
123
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:28,734
Is somebody there?
124
00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:29,968
Somebody there
to pick up the phone?
125
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,370
Debra.
I hear you, debra.
126
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:32,704
You're walking
right by the phone now.
127
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:33,705
Look down.
128
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,674
Look down, debra!
129
00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:36,675
I'm in the phone!
130
00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:44,683
You know what my mother did?
131
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:48,654
She sent flyers out
all over the neighborhood.
132
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:52,324
My father told everybody
at the elks.
133
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,425
Give me--
give me some tips, man.
134
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,626
Tell me something.
135
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:55,927
- Just make love
to the camera, ray.
136
00:04:58,665 --> 00:04:59,765
Hey, what do you say, fellas?
137
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:00,932
- Hey, roy.
- Good to see you.
138
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,502
- Hey, james,
good to see you again.
139
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,936
- Ray, good
to see you again.
140
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:06,705
- You all ready
for the big show?
141
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:08,073
- I guess so.
142
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:09,808
I don't do tv much.
143
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,511
Ever.
144
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,579
First time.
145
00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,648
Kind of got
some butterflies going.
146
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,450
- Well, you know,
I don't get the butterflies.
147
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:21,753
I just throw up
before every live show.
148
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:23,522
- We're live in 30 seconds.
149
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:24,623
- Wait, I didn't throw up yet.
150
00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:28,727
How do you sit?
151
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,095
Do you sit--
do you cross your legs much?
152
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,531
- I don't, but I can't.
153
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,733
- Okay, everybody, stand by.
154
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:38,770
In 5, 4, 3, 2...
155
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,405
- Listen, can I get--
- hello again, everybody.
156
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:41,406
I'm roy firestone,
157
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:43,075
And this is sportscall.
158
00:05:43,077 --> 00:05:44,609
Our guest all this week
159
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:45,977
From the great
laker championship team
160
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,479
Is mr. James worthy,
161
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:48,680
And as always,
162
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,349
The radio voice
of the new york mets,
163
00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:51,350
Mr. Kevin daniels.
164
00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:52,451
Good to see you, kevin.
165
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:53,618
- Roy.
James.
166
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,354
How are you, folks?
167
00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:57,622
- And a brand-new face
from newsday,
168
00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:59,691
A fine columnist,
mr. Ray barone.
169
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,926
Good to see you,
ray.
170
00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:05,864
- Howdy.
171
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:06,865
- Our subject tonight--
172
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,133
Athletes and steroids.
173
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:09,434
As you might know,
174
00:06:09,436 --> 00:06:10,769
There's an increasing
use of steroids
175
00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:15,107
And, ray, you wrote a very
interesting piece about that.
176
00:06:15,109 --> 00:06:16,641
- Ahem, yes, I did, roy.
177
00:06:18,911 --> 00:06:20,645
- Why don't you tell us
about that, ray?
178
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:22,414
- Um...
179
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:23,515
It's a growing problem.
180
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,083
It's a growing problem.
181
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,552
Steroids is--
182
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:28,620
I'd say it's even--
183
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:29,654
It's gotten to be
a bit of a...
184
00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:32,457
- Epidemic?
185
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:33,992
- No, no, no,
186
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,494
It's not an epidemic.
It's out of control.
187
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:39,898
It's kind of like a...
188
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:40,899
Epidemic.
189
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,435
- Yeah.
190
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,736
What they did was,
191
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,405
They took a group
of olympic athletes,
192
00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:48,607
And they axed them
if using steroids
193
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,575
Would guarantee you
a gold medal
194
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,411
But would also kill you
in five years,
195
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:53,712
Would you still do it?
196
00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:56,148
64% of them said yes.
197
00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:57,482
- Wow, really?
198
00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:58,617
- That's alarming.
199
00:07:03,556 --> 00:07:05,424
- I really enjoyed the piece.
A terrific piece.
200
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:06,625
You did a great job.
201
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,093
- Oh, thanks.
Thanks, roy.
202
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,162
You know, when a program
succeeds like that,
203
00:07:10,164 --> 00:07:12,531
A lot of that stuff just gets
swept right under the rug.
204
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:13,965
- Right.
- Yeah, yeah.
205
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,600
And what's gonna
happen is that
206
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:18,837
It's later that these kids
are gonna realize that--
207
00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:22,073
Oh, they've made
a horrible mistake, you know?
208
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:23,608
They don't realize it
at first...
209
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:28,980
But what happens is, you know,
they're sacrificing what once,
210
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:31,049
You know, was the ideal.
211
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:34,653
The ideal dream.
The american dream, you know.
212
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:38,990
But I have to tell you
this one thing...
213
00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:46,565
- Hello.
214
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:49,468
- Hooray!
- Yay! Yay!
215
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:50,769
- What are you doing?
Come on.
216
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:53,238
- All right, come on,
dad, cut it out.
217
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,106
- Great action shot!
218
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,675
- Oh, come on,
219
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:59,611
Let me be the first one
to hug my big tv star.
220
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:00,779
Whoo!
- It wasn't that good.
221
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:03,148
- Hey, frank,
take a picture.
222
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,616
- Come on, come on,
come on.
223
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:06,718
- They should give you the show.
224
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,620
You're better
than that other guy.
225
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:09,921
- Kevin?
- No, no, the other one,
226
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,591
The one who was acting
like the boss.
227
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:14,125
- Roy firestone?
228
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:15,760
- You were the whole show!
229
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:17,262
- Come on.
230
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:28,573
- Now you got television.
231
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:29,574
Way to go.
232
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,912
- Frankly, I felt a little
awkward there, you know.
233
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:35,580
- Oh, you'd never know.
234
00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:39,551
- Here's james worthy
listening to you talk.
235
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,052
- You took pictures of me
on the television.
236
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:42,053
- Sure.
237
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,723
How often is my son on the tube?
238
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,691
- I was on when
we busted john gotti.
239
00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:50,762
- Yes, but you didn't have
any lines, dear.
240
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:55,734
- So what did you think?
- Oh, you were great.
241
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:56,835
What did they say at the show?
242
00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:58,069
- Yeah, I think they liked me.
- Yeah?
243
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,105
- Of course they liked you!
244
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,841
- It was like watching
joe garagiola.
245
00:09:04,777 --> 00:09:06,845
- Look, this one is roy smiling
246
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,079
At something I said right there.
247
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,214
- I remember when he did that.
248
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,583
Yeah, I saw that.
That was great.
249
00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:13,018
They like you.
250
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:14,986
- All right,
all right, come on!
251
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,955
It's a tv show.
That's all it is.
252
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,056
We could blow that one up.
253
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,191
That one could get blown up.
254
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:21,192
- Ray!
255
00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:31,937
- Hey, I was just
talking to kevin--
256
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:34,906
Ally drew another
picture of our family,
257
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,575
And she still says
that these monsters
258
00:09:36,577 --> 00:09:37,809
Aren't your parents.
259
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:40,579
- All right, so maybe...
260
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:41,313
Maybe they're not.
261
00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:42,981
- Ray, this one is bald,
262
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,783
And this one's carrying
a covered dish.
263
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:55,327
Someday a therapist
may want to see it.
264
00:09:55,329 --> 00:09:57,829
Listen, I was just
talking to kevin,
265
00:09:57,831 --> 00:09:59,931
And harvey johnson's gonna
be out again tomorrow,
266
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,733
So they want me
to do the show again.
267
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,702
- Oh, I thought it was
just a one-time deal.
268
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,270
- Yeah, well,
things went pretty well there.
269
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,371
Everybody seemed to like it,
270
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:07,806
So I figured, hey, why not?
271
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:09,975
- Hey, great, great.
272
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,943
Yeah, that's really great.
273
00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:16,181
- What?
274
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:17,782
- Nothing.
275
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,284
- Well, I mean,
you're pursing your lips.
276
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:20,719
What's wrong?
277
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,053
- I'm not pursing.
278
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,294
- Puh-puh-puh!
279
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,763
- What?
No, I just--
280
00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:33,832
Okay, it's just...
281
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,900
Maybe before the next show,
you could...
282
00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:37,369
Just practice a few words
283
00:10:37,371 --> 00:10:39,304
You kind of had
just a little bit of trouble
284
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:40,305
Saying tonight.
285
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,339
- Like what--
- no, no, no.
286
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:42,374
Don't get so excited.
287
00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:44,109
It is not a big deal.
288
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,011
- Come on,
I'm gonna be on television.
289
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:46,811
- Okay, look.
290
00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:51,883
"asterisk."
291
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:54,085
You were talking
about some record
292
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,420
That had an asterisk
next to it.
293
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:56,955
- Yeah? Yeah?
294
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:59,724
- Yeah.
Asterisk.
295
00:10:59,726 --> 00:11:03,395
- Well, come on.
Asterix.
296
00:11:03,397 --> 00:11:05,864
Asterix.
297
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,265
I said asterix
on television!
298
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,333
- It's okay.
299
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,701
No, no, no, no,
it's okay. Just...
300
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,236
Just...Asterisk.
301
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,704
- Asterix.
- Asterisk.
302
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,072
- Asterix.
- Aster--
303
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,974
- Oh, I know!
Stop showing off!
304
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:18,109
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
You know what?
305
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,211
Maybe it would be easier if you
just break it into two parts.
306
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:21,246
Aster, risk.
307
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:22,981
- Aster, risk.
308
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:23,982
- Asterisk.
309
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:24,983
- Asterix.
310
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:26,151
Ohh.
311
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:29,921
- You know, ray,
nobody even cares.
312
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,190
Next time that word comes up,
maybe just say...
313
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,825
Little star.
314
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:34,959
- What else?
What else?
315
00:11:34,961 --> 00:11:35,960
What other words?
316
00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:37,762
- Well, I mean,
317
00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:38,963
You're asking me, right?
318
00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:40,699
- Yeah.
319
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:43,101
- You're asking me.
320
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,235
- Yeah, what are you doing?
321
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,104
I'm axing you.
322
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,406
Oh.
323
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,340
- Yeah.
"ask."
324
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:50,709
Sometimes you say...
325
00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:51,710
- Ax.
326
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:52,711
Ax.
327
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,879
Oh, man.
328
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,414
- No, no, no,
honey, come on.
329
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:58,283
You just got to practice
those words.
330
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:01,152
Just practice those words.
331
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:02,153
- Why?
332
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:04,089
Why didn't you tell me this?
333
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,190
You should've told me
334
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:08,426
The first time
I axed you something.
335
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:11,062
- I never thought you were gonna
be on television.
336
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,163
You know what we could do?
337
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,798
Let's put them all
in a sentence.
338
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:19,170
Say, um, "I asked you to put
the asterisk with the...
339
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,773
Cinnamon."
340
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,308
- Cinnamum?
341
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:26,111
Cinnamum.
Cinnamum.
342
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,112
Oh, my god, I'm a monkey.
343
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:32,050
Did I say cinnamum on the show?
344
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:33,184
- No, no, no, no.
345
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:34,285
It's just a good thing to know
346
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:37,288
For when we're at the ihop.
347
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:41,459
"I asked you to put the asterisk
with the cinnamon."
348
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,094
- I asked you...
- Good. Good.
349
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,263
- To put the asterisk
350
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,264
With the cinnamum.
351
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,800
Cinnam--
352
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:49,801
All right, you know what?
353
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:50,802
No more ihop.
354
00:12:53,072 --> 00:12:54,939
- Ray, it's--
355
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,541
It's just those
couple of words, that's all.
356
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:59,144
We told you
you were great on the show.
357
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,378
- Yeah, you told me.
You told me.
358
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:03,047
- No, really, honey,
you were terrific.
359
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:06,084
- Oh, don't, don't!
360
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:06,985
I'm sorry I axed.
361
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:18,963
- Hi.
362
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,031
- Oh, hi, dear.
You hungry?
363
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,199
- No.
364
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:25,937
- Sit down.
I'll make you a sandwich.
365
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:27,372
- Oh, ally gave you
one of her paintings?
366
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:28,907
- Yeah.
367
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:30,141
Look how big we are
368
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,409
Compared to the rest
of the family.
369
00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:35,280
- Yeah, that's great.
370
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:39,384
You guys ever notice that I say
certain words funny?
371
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:40,819
- What do you mean?
372
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,987
Like glockenspiel or tushy?
373
00:13:46,058 --> 00:13:47,325
- Not funny words, dad.
374
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,426
Do I mispronounce words?
375
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,094
I'm just axing.
376
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:52,831
- No, I think you speak
beautifully, dear.
377
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:53,832
Why?
378
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,533
What's wrong?
379
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:57,836
- Debra thought I had trouble
on the show last night
380
00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:58,903
With certain words.
381
00:13:58,905 --> 00:14:00,438
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
382
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,907
It sounds like she's being
a little nitpicky.
383
00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:04,375
- Yeah?
384
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:05,977
So you really think I was
all right last night?
385
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,312
- Yeah.
386
00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:08,847
- Oh, good. Good,
387
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,114
'cause I'm gonna do it
again tonight.
388
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:11,349
- They want you back?
389
00:14:14,486 --> 00:14:16,154
- What does that mean?
390
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:17,622
- Nothing,
it's just that we--
391
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:21,993
We thought it was over.
392
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:23,261
- So you did notice
the words.
393
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:24,929
- Listen, you got
bigger problems
394
00:14:24,931 --> 00:14:25,997
Than your little words there.
395
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:30,068
- Like what?
396
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,203
- Like scratching
the microphone.
397
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,972
Nobody could hear
what the hell was going on.
398
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,241
- But at least the scratching
399
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,642
Kept him from waving
his hands around
400
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:39,611
Like he was landing planes.
401
00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:41,446
- The microphone was much worse.
- No, no.
402
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,381
- It seemed like he'd never been
on television before.
403
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,416
- He never has been
on television before,
404
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:47,352
But he's had his hands
his whole life.
405
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,120
- The microphone was
much more annoying!
406
00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:52,523
Ray, which
is more annoying?
407
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,025
This....
408
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:55,026
Or this?
409
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,329
- I did that?
410
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:00,231
- Yeah.
Now that you mention it,
411
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,933
Your voice was
kind of monotonous.
412
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:04,102
- I didn't mention that.
413
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:07,939
- Well, you tended to
drone on and on, dear.
414
00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:10,642
- It was very off-putting.
415
00:15:10,644 --> 00:15:12,510
- My god.
416
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,979
- You see? Like that.
417
00:15:14,981 --> 00:15:17,181
Most people would say,
"my god!"
418
00:15:21,186 --> 00:15:23,187
You got to try
and make your voice
419
00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:25,323
Go up and down more,
420
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,659
High and low.
421
00:15:27,661 --> 00:15:29,394
I would absolutely love
422
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:33,598
A nice dill pickle.
423
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,667
Pickle, marie.
424
00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:36,668
- Oh, oh.
425
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:45,343
So let me get this
straight, dad.
426
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,245
Everything you said
after the show last night
427
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:48,980
Was a lie,
and behind my back,
428
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,148
You've been talking
about how bad I was.
429
00:15:54,186 --> 00:15:55,420
You think I stunk.
430
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:56,988
You think I stunk!
431
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,023
- Oh, what difference
does it make what we think?
432
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,558
They asked you back.
433
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,660
- But keep in mind
some of the things we told you,
434
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:06,197
Because I got to see
people during the day.
435
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:10,501
- Oh, my god.
The supermarket.
436
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:13,404
You lie to me,
and you do it so well.
437
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,406
How long has this
been going on?
438
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,108
- Three weeks.
439
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:25,984
- Oh, my god, look at you.
440
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:27,385
Look at you.
Oh, my god.
441
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:30,288
You've been lying to me
my whole life, haven't you?
442
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,190
"oh, raymond,
you're such a great writer,
443
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,758
You could've been
writing poetry."
444
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,426
How about in high school, ma?
445
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:36,561
"oh, don't worry, ray,
the girls,
446
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,129
They don't know
what they're missing."
447
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,364
They knew!
448
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,132
They knew,
and they didn't miss it.
449
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,133
How about this, ma?
450
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,501
Were you lying when you said,
451
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,037
Was the happiest day
of our lives"?
452
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,606
- No, that's true, it was.
453
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:52,410
Don't eat that now, robert.
454
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:57,749
- What's going on?
455
00:16:57,751 --> 00:16:59,784
- You know they've been lying
to us our whole lives?
456
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,487
Any time they ever tried to make
us feel good about ourselves.
457
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:03,688
- When did that happen to me?
458
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,160
- Oh, honey, I'm sure
we lied to you plenty of times.
459
00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:13,131
- You got to get
your own place, man.
460
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,465
- Oh, don't be silly.
461
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:15,466
We love having you here.
462
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:20,505
- Oh, my god.
463
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:23,608
We told you
you were a good writer
464
00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:26,210
So that you would think
you were a good writer, see?
465
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,079
Then somebody gave you a job.
466
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:29,680
That's what parents do.
467
00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:33,518
They all lie to their kids
for their own good.
468
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,186
- But other parents
aren't lying, ma.
469
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,654
They believe
in their children.
470
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,189
- No, they don't.
471
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:44,695
- All right, that's it.
472
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:45,797
That's it, okay?
473
00:17:45,799 --> 00:17:47,098
No more lies, all right?
474
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,599
Don't help me anymore!
475
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,736
High and low.
476
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:54,238
Use that on the show tonight.
477
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,339
- Oh, my god,
478
00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:56,774
I can't believe I got to
do a show now.
479
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,076
- You'll be wonderful, dear.
480
00:17:58,078 --> 00:18:00,211
- Ma, please, no more lies!
481
00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:05,817
- They say that because the pros
can hit it so far
482
00:18:05,819 --> 00:18:08,686
That they should lengthen
the length of all the courses,
483
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:10,455
And, uh...
484
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:12,690
You know, I know
I'm probably droning on here,
485
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,358
But, um...
486
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:15,827
But what about tradition?
487
00:18:15,829 --> 00:18:18,863
There's always tradition
and history and stuff,
488
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:22,266
And I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know,
489
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,702
I support the changes
in baseball, but--
490
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,204
Look, let me ax--
ax--
491
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,672
Ask you something here.
492
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:29,240
Uh...
493
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:32,810
Shouldn't a sport sometimes
should adopt--adapt--
494
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,712
Adapt and grow,
but aren't there times
495
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,481
That a sport
shouldn't adopt--adapt--
496
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,249
And, uh...
497
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,250
And not grow?
498
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:40,251
Probably not grow.
499
00:19:07,279 --> 00:19:08,546
- Oh, hi, honey.
500
00:19:10,415 --> 00:19:11,782
That didn't go
very well, did it?
501
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,189
- Not your best moment there,
raymond.
502
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:23,761
- What are you doing?
503
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:24,929
- We're being honest.
504
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,498
You said
that's what you wanted.
505
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,433
- I could've eaten
a box of alpha-bits
506
00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:30,835
And crapped
a better interview.
507
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:46,350
- Well, what did you think?
508
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,719
- Honey, I begged you to say
"little star."
509
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:53,291
- It was even worse
than last time.
510
00:19:54,793 --> 00:19:56,360
- You made me hate tv.
511
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,300
- Want me to play it back
for you, raymond?
512
00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:06,204
- All right, all right.
513
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:08,506
All right, come on, I wanted you
to be honest, but...
514
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:10,942
It couldn't have been
all bad.
515
00:20:10,944 --> 00:20:13,277
Dad, I made my voice
go high and low like you said.
516
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:16,347
- That didn't work.
517
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:18,216
- What about my little
steinbrenner joke?
518
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:19,750
- Wasn't funny.
519
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,752
It's not nice to hurt
other people's feelings.
520
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:22,987
- Well, what about this?
521
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:24,488
- This is funny.
522
00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:29,260
- All right, come on.
523
00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:30,361
I mean, it could've been--
524
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:31,729
There had to be something there.
525
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:32,930
I was--
526
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:34,632
I sat there, and...
527
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,467
Come on.
528
00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:38,903
Come on!
529
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,839
- I thought there were
a lot of good things, ray.
530
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:42,840
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
531
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:44,375
Like, those other guys are so
532
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:45,776
Polished and professional,
533
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,712
And you were really,
like, human.
534
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:49,747
Yeah.
535
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,015
- Yeah, but what about
what I said, though?
536
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:52,016
I mean, did it make sense?
537
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:53,884
- Oh, yes.
Yeah.
538
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:57,488
I got some of it.
539
00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:59,290
- So I mean, it wasn't
a total disaster?
540
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:01,892
- Ah, no.
- Not what we meant at all.
541
00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:04,495
- Well, how many
total disasters are there?
542
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,333
- Ray, the fact that you could
go on live television
543
00:21:09,335 --> 00:21:10,434
With such little experience--
544
00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,470
That really says a lot.
545
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:13,738
- You were great, dear.
546
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:15,273
- At least I tried it, right?
547
00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:16,274
I mean, it's better.
548
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:17,541
It's better to try than to...
549
00:21:17,543 --> 00:21:18,542
Not try.
550
00:21:18,544 --> 00:21:19,744
- Yes!
551
00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,817
- Okay!
552
00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:27,818
Okay.
553
00:21:30,055 --> 00:21:31,656
Thanks.
554
00:21:31,658 --> 00:21:34,392
- Better than broadway.
555
00:21:34,394 --> 00:21:35,893
- Okay.
556
00:21:35,895 --> 00:21:37,328
All right,
I got some makeup on.
557
00:21:37,330 --> 00:21:38,329
I'm gonna take
the makeup off,
558
00:21:38,331 --> 00:21:39,330
And then I'll come back.
559
00:21:39,332 --> 00:21:40,931
- Okay.
Yeah.
560
00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:42,833
You were so good, I bet they
have you back on again.
561
00:21:42,835 --> 00:21:43,934
I'm sure they will.
562
00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:44,969
- It's all about you,
raymond.
563
00:21:50,342 --> 00:21:50,941
- Robert.
564
00:22:03,955 --> 00:22:07,491
- Whew.
565
00:22:07,493 --> 00:22:09,527
I don't think
that was a total disaster.
566
00:22:13,532 --> 00:22:16,033
- Well, how many total disasters
are there?
38238
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