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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:06,572 Cloudy skies with flurries today. 2 00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:08,374 We can expect up to an inch of snow 3 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,442 And a high of only 30... 4 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:21,720 Come on. Deb! 5 00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,389 - What? 6 00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,324 - I can't see. I hate this side of the bed. 7 00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:27,026 I can't see the tv from here. 8 00:00:27,028 --> 00:00:29,528 - What do you mean? You picked that side. 9 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:33,799 - I didn't know it was going to be my side for life. 10 00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:35,434 I got to watch tv with a big foot 11 00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:38,303 In the middle of the screen. 12 00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:39,471 Come on, I'm trying to get the weather. 13 00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:43,509 I can only get from Wednesday over. 14 00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:45,144 - Do you want to switch sides? 15 00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:46,812 - What, after seven years? 16 00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:49,681 I'll be all out of whack over there. 17 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:53,719 - Maybe you'll do better with your next wife. 18 00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:56,655 - My next wife isn't going to have feet. 19 00:00:59,359 --> 00:01:02,327 That's right. 20 00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:04,196 I'll be able to watch the tv, 21 00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:06,265 And I'll never have to go dancing. 22 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:14,840 Hi, I'm ray. 23 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,442 I live here in long island 24 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,544 With my wife, debra, 25 00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,446 My five-year-old daughter, 26 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:23,182 And twin almost-two-year-old boys. 27 00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:25,651 My parents live across the street. 28 00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:27,553 That's right. 29 00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:30,189 The truth is, I'd do anything for my family. 30 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:35,461 And done. 31 00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:38,230 Oh, no. 32 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,567 Debra! 33 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,335 Honey! 34 00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:46,205 Somebody call my father! 35 00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,240 I'm hyperventilating! 36 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,415 - Yeah, it's a charity drive, linda. 37 00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,383 Hmm-mm, yeah, we'll take anything you want to get rid of. 38 00:01:58,385 --> 00:02:01,386 Ah, no, not him. 39 00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,290 Hang on. Hey, ray, can you get that please? 40 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,758 - I'm all boxed in over here. 41 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,632 - coming. 42 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,234 What are the twins doing? 43 00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:16,201 - They're playing. They're playing. 44 00:02:16,203 --> 00:02:17,569 Michael thinks he's in a car, 45 00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,371 And geoffrey just thinks he's in a box. 46 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,140 The kid's got no imagination. 47 00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:25,511 - Hey! - Hey. 48 00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:26,912 Brought some stuff over for the church drive. 49 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:29,214 - Oh, great. - It's a little heavy. 50 00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:30,449 - Thanks, robert. That's sweet. What is it? 51 00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,251 - My weight set. 52 00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:35,454 - You're not working out anymore? 53 00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:37,589 - No, I'm losing some of my flexibility. 54 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,259 Having trouble shampooing. 55 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:41,793 That's a lot of stuff here. 56 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:42,828 - Yeah. 57 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,496 - A lot of ugly stuff. 58 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,365 Who would buy this? 59 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,934 - You bought it for me. 60 00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,802 - Oh. 61 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,905 How come you never wear it? 62 00:02:52,907 --> 00:02:55,741 - Hey, raymond. You're giving this away? 63 00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:56,909 - What is it? 64 00:02:56,911 --> 00:02:59,912 Oh, my god. Debra, what are you doing? 65 00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:01,813 - What? It's just an old baseball. 66 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:03,782 - Just a baseball? Just a baseball. 67 00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,918 I've had this thing for 25 years. 68 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:08,353 This is my autographed mickey mantle ball. 69 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:11,857 - Oh, debra. 70 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,325 - Sorry. 71 00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:15,527 I mean, so mickey mantle signed it. 72 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,229 I mean-- - "so?" 73 00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:18,630 "so." 74 00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:21,500 This is like having a bible signed by-- 75 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:24,236 - yeah. 76 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,672 It's exactly the same. - That's right. 77 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,907 My dad got me this when I was ten. 78 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,577 Remember? - Yeah, I remember. 79 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:34,813 You got mickey mantle. I got art shamsky. 80 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,216 - And you wanted art shamsky. 81 00:03:37,218 --> 00:03:39,318 - Hey, he homered his first major league at bat. 82 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,554 Then after that, right into the dumper. 83 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,723 - He could still become famous. 84 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:47,359 - Yeah, if he shoots someone famous. 85 00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:49,695 - I haven't thought about this ball in years. 86 00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,399 - Hi, ray. 87 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,767 - Hey. - Mistletoe. 88 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,603 - Oh. 89 00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,438 I'm not kissing you, buddy. You're all hands. 90 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,274 - You used to love that about me. 91 00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:04,409 What's with all the boxes? 92 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,678 - Oh, uh-- 93 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,247 Oh, this is my stuff. 94 00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:09,648 Deb and I, uh-- 95 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,917 It ain't happening. 96 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:14,620 - That's too bad. - Yeah. 97 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:17,022 - Mind if I call her? 98 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:20,025 - It's a charity drive for the needy, andy. 99 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:22,928 - Oh, great. What can I have? 100 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:27,366 - Yeah, it's not for the emotionally needy. 101 00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:28,634 - Andy, I ever show you that? 102 00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:29,868 That's my mickey mantle. 103 00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,470 - Wow! 104 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,305 You met the mickela? 105 00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:35,707 - No. No, my dad got it for me. 106 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,009 Pretty incredible, huh? 107 00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:39,444 - Yeah, if mickey really signed it. 108 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:40,979 - What are you talking about? 109 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,881 - Didn't you see that thing on "60 minutes"? 110 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,517 All this signed stuff is, like, 70% fake. 111 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,287 Like, back then, the trainers would sign all the balls. 112 00:04:48,289 --> 00:04:50,289 - Yeah. You know, I saw that. 113 00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:54,026 Oh, raymond. This may not be real. 114 00:04:54,028 --> 00:04:56,495 That's a shame. 115 00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:01,066 - Yeah, right. 116 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:03,769 Dad got this for me himself, all right? 117 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,004 - Maybe morley safer's wrong. 118 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:11,977 Hey, andy, want to go for a slice? 119 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,011 - Sure. You in, ray? 120 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:15,314 - No, no, go ahead. You guys go. 121 00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,649 - All right. Come on, peppy. 122 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:18,950 - Hey, listen. 123 00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:20,552 Andy, can I borrow that mistletoe? 124 00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:23,455 I want to break the ice with a woman in homicide. 125 00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:29,594 - You okay, ray? 126 00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:31,797 - What if they're right? What if he didn't sign this? 127 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:33,665 - Come on, ray. 128 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,500 I don't even remember you ever looking at that ball. 129 00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:37,569 It's been buried in the closet since we moved here. 130 00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:40,072 - No, not buried. Tucked away. 131 00:05:40,074 --> 00:05:41,773 You don't-- you don't get it. 132 00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,742 Mickey mantle signed this to me. 133 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,510 "to ray." 134 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,379 Ray. 135 00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:49,448 Then he wishes me luck. 136 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:53,985 Good luck. 137 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:55,987 Then he signs it. 138 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,823 "mickey mantle." 139 00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:59,791 Look at that, look how the "y" in the "ray" 140 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:03,729 Is the same as the "y" in the "mickey." 141 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,597 You know, for one moment, 142 00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,366 The greatest player that I ever saw 143 00:06:07,368 --> 00:06:10,001 Was thinking about me. 144 00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:11,636 I know it sounds stupid, but this guy-- 145 00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:14,706 This guy's the reason that I'm a sportswriter. 146 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,041 This guy-- 147 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:19,745 This guy's... Mickey mantle. 148 00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:23,782 - Gee, that's beautiful, ray. 149 00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:27,619 It's very passionate. 150 00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:30,889 Do you remember what you said to me when you proposed? 151 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,392 "so how 'bout it?" 152 00:06:43,469 --> 00:06:45,837 - Why do you insist on making this car wreck 153 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:49,074 Our christmas tree every year? 154 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,543 I mean, I want a real tree. 155 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,012 - An artificial tree saves water, 156 00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:57,048 Saves the forest, and saves the planet. 157 00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:59,751 I'm a conservationist. 158 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,654 - You're cheap. 159 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,055 - All right, I'm saving money. 160 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,558 - Oh! I hate this thing. 161 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,728 - Fine, then there'll be nothing under it for you. 162 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:13,465 - Like I need another totes umbrella. 163 00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:16,134 Hey, ray darling! - Hi. 164 00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,869 - Merry christmas! 165 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,705 - Hey, hey, merry christmas. Merry christmas. 166 00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:21,740 Okay. 167 00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:23,074 Oh. 168 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:24,910 Did rockefeller center 169 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:27,145 Turn it down again this year? 170 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,681 It's a shame. Here, ma. 171 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,082 Debra says thanks for the clothes. 172 00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,851 - What clothes? 173 00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,219 - Oh, it's your junk, 174 00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:36,755 Like that ratty, moth-eaten gray sweater. 175 00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,056 - Moth-eaten? 176 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,659 Marie, I love that sweater. 177 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:43,128 And I don't want to see any wild-eyed weirdo 178 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:46,531 Marching around in my clothes! 179 00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:49,034 - Welcome to my world, frank. 180 00:07:53,739 --> 00:07:57,709 - Holidays are a very stressful time for your mother. 181 00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,211 How are things at your house? 182 00:07:59,213 --> 00:08:00,779 - Yeah, we're busy. We're busy too. 183 00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,147 As a matter of fact, 184 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,682 We were cleaning things out this morning, 185 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,684 And look what I found. 186 00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:06,885 Remember this? 187 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:10,255 - Oh, hey, look at that. 188 00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:13,992 God, I remember when I brought this home for you. 189 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,994 What were you, like, ten? 190 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,863 You ran all around the neighborhood 191 00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:20,699 Showing it to the other kids, right? 192 00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,167 - Yeah, so-- 193 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,869 So mickey mantle really signed it? 194 00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:26,771 - Who told you that? 195 00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:28,773 - You. You did. 196 00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:31,843 - Oh. - Wh-- 197 00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:36,681 Wait. Mickey mantle didn't sign this ball? 198 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:37,983 This isn't real? 199 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:41,520 - It's a real ball. 200 00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,655 - I don't believe this. 201 00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,590 So you never met him. 202 00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:46,892 - No. 203 00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:51,730 What's the matter with you? 204 00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:55,166 - No, nothing, nothing. 205 00:08:58,070 --> 00:09:01,206 - It looks like I'm the only normal one here. 206 00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:05,310 - How could my father do this? 207 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:08,246 He knew what that ball meant to me. 208 00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:10,649 - Ray, I'm sure it wasn't intentional. 209 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,150 He probably didn't even think about it. 210 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,585 - Yeah, yeah, that's right. 211 00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,720 He just thought it was okay to lie to his kid. 212 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,656 - Look, everybody does that sometimes. 213 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,658 - No, no. I don't. 214 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,059 - Oh, no? 215 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,962 What about, "no, kids, that's not a store. 216 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:27,332 That's a toy museum"? 217 00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,100 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 218 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,769 - And my favorite one is, 219 00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:33,872 "uh, daddy's just teaching mommy how to wrestle." 220 00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:39,277 - Yeah, that's my favorite one too. 221 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:42,013 But no more. No more. 222 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:43,915 I'm not going to lie to my kids anymore. 223 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,150 - Yes, you will, ray. 224 00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:47,352 - No, no, I will not. Uh-uh. 225 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:50,121 I'm not going to do to them what my father did to me. 226 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,190 From now on, only the truth. 227 00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:54,192 When my kids look back at me, 228 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,661 I want them to be able to say, 229 00:09:56,663 --> 00:09:58,964 "okay, I'm all screwed up from that guy, 230 00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:01,933 But he didn't lie." 231 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:05,203 - What a lovely thought for our children, ray. 232 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,741 - Can I have this dolly, daddy? 233 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,242 - No, no, honey. 234 00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,377 We're going to give these toys 235 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,646 To other kids for christmas, okay? 236 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:18,383 - But you said santa brings all the toys. 237 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,719 - I said santa? 238 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,155 - Doesn't he, daddy? 239 00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:37,902 Daddy? 240 00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:39,971 - Daddy? 241 00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:47,278 - Would you mind repeating the question? 242 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,849 - Doesn't santa bring all the toys? 243 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:54,219 - To be honest-- - don't you dare. 244 00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,021 - What, daddy? 245 00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:58,923 - Who wants cookies, huh? 246 00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:02,227 - Tell me about santa, daddy. 247 00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:03,962 - Well... 248 00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:13,304 The answer, I think, honey, 249 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:16,875 Comes down to the basic nature of reality. 250 00:11:19,311 --> 00:11:21,046 Okey-dokey? 251 00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:23,948 No. 252 00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:26,084 Honey... 253 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,219 I don't know how to tell you this, but-- 254 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,221 Ah! 255 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:39,097 - Of course santa brings all the toys, honey. 256 00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:40,999 We're just going to be santa's helpers 257 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,802 Because he has so much to carry this year, 258 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:47,338 And he's out of shape. 259 00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,007 - Oh, that's nice. 260 00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,375 - Yeah, so listen, honey, 261 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,710 Why don't you just go and play with your toys 262 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,278 From last year, 263 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,213 And I'm going to have a nice long talk with your daddy 264 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:58,983 About the nature of his reality, okay? 265 00:12:03,956 --> 00:12:07,826 God. - Okay, here we go. 266 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,494 - How could you do that to her? 267 00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:10,862 - What? I didn't do anything. 268 00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:12,797 - Oh, you were about to. 269 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,833 Ray, I know you're upset with your father, 270 00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:19,237 But how can you think about outing santa? 271 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,306 - Well, would you rather she heard it on the streets? 272 00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:24,843 - Oh, please. 273 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:27,011 - I'm sorry to have to do this, debra, 274 00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:28,913 But frank is absolutely insisting 275 00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,882 He get his ratty old sweater back, 276 00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:32,217 Which is probably the best thing 277 00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:35,353 That ever happened to the needy. 278 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,354 - Go, take it. 279 00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,022 - Uh-oh. 280 00:12:38,024 --> 00:12:39,257 What's the matter? 281 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,959 - Nothing. Nothing. Nothing's the matter. 282 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:42,460 - No, nothing at all, 283 00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:44,796 Except ray was just about to tell ally the truth 284 00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:47,232 About santa claus. 285 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,501 - You what? - Oh, I didn't tell her. 286 00:12:49,503 --> 00:12:53,505 - My own son an atheist? 287 00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:55,406 - I'm not an atheist, ma. 288 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,776 I just--I don't believe in lying to my kids. 289 00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:58,843 - Oh, stop being foolish. 290 00:12:58,845 --> 00:13:00,178 Now, you go right in there 291 00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:02,113 And tell ally all about santa claus 292 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:04,549 And his flying reindeer and his sled 293 00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:06,351 And all the rest of that malarkey. 294 00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:07,852 - I don't think that that's the right thing. 295 00:13:07,854 --> 00:13:09,220 - Oh, what's the matter with you? 296 00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:10,522 - Nothing's the matter. 297 00:13:10,524 --> 00:13:12,257 I'm just-- I'm protecting her. 298 00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:14,492 - Oh, protecting her from what? 299 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,895 We didn't have that santa claus discussion 300 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:19,330 Until you were 14 years old. 301 00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:22,066 - Yeah, well, I knew about santa when I was 8. 302 00:13:22,068 --> 00:13:24,803 Why'd you wait till I was 14 for? 303 00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:28,807 - Well, your father wanted to cover sex and santa all at once, 304 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:31,376 Sort of get it over with. 305 00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:33,978 - Don't think that hasn't had repercussions. 306 00:13:36,015 --> 00:13:38,016 - Here you go, marie. - Oh, thanks, honey. 307 00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,586 Listen, ally is five years old, you scrooge. 308 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,955 Of course we lie. 309 00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,256 We all lie. 310 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:48,226 That's what holds us all together. 311 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:51,095 So you go in and lie to your daughter, 312 00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:54,065 And I'll go home and feed the man I love. 313 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,272 - Ray, come on. 314 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,308 Are you still thinking about that baseball? 315 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,576 - No. 316 00:14:04,578 --> 00:14:06,544 No, I'm thinking about a lot of things now. 317 00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:08,279 - Like what? 318 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,615 - Remember that guy that you went out with before me, 319 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:13,017 Eric butterpants? 320 00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:15,920 - Eric butterman, ray. 321 00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:18,923 - Yeah, oh, so you do remember him. 322 00:14:18,925 --> 00:14:21,159 - Yeah. What about him? 323 00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:22,493 - You always said to me 324 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,395 That you were glad that he broke up with you 325 00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:26,197 Because otherwise you would have never met me. 326 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,432 - Yeah. So? 327 00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,567 - So if he had never broken up with you, 328 00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,903 Would you have been gladder? 329 00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:36,441 - You are really crazy. You know that? 330 00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:38,576 - No. No, no, no. How do I know? 331 00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:41,012 How do I know that I'm the one you wanted to end up with? 332 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:44,082 Our three kids. 333 00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,351 - Yeah. Yeah, our three blond kids. 334 00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,219 - Oh. 335 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,455 I think that's the baseball talking. 336 00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:51,990 - How can I be sure of anything? 337 00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,191 - So what are you saying? 338 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:54,525 You don't believe in anything anymore? 339 00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:57,528 - That's right, unless I see it with my own eyes. 340 00:14:57,530 --> 00:15:00,899 - Ho, ho, ho! Merry christmas! 341 00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:04,102 Is ally here? 342 00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,570 I understand there are doubts about me 343 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,605 In this house. 344 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:10,341 - There are now. 345 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,310 Come on, robert. - No, no. 346 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:14,379 You have me mistaken for some other party, 347 00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:16,614 For I am the jolly old saint nick. 348 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,416 Ho, ho, ho, ho! 349 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,185 Mom told me what you did. Nice. 350 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:24,422 - Hey, ally, look, it's santa claus. 351 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,090 - Oh, god. 352 00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:28,092 - Santa? 353 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,961 - Yes, it is really I, 354 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,596 And I came to see you, ally, 355 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:34,465 Because I heard you were a very good girl this year, 356 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:37,001 And you're going to get everything you want, 357 00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:40,638 Unlike some other people. 358 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,341 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. 359 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,376 - All right, hold the "ho"s, okay? 360 00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:46,544 I want to talk to you for a minute, santa. 361 00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:50,515 - I'm sorry. I'm with a client. 362 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,717 And you may call me mr. Claus. 363 00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:55,453 Ho, ho, ho, ho! 364 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,655 - Where's ally? 365 00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:59,624 Ho, ho! 366 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:02,327 Holy crap! 367 00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:05,296 What are you doing here? 368 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,699 - I'm santa claus. - You're santa? 369 00:16:07,701 --> 00:16:09,400 - All right, all right. Will you guys cut it out? 370 00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:11,202 Come on; she's confused enough already. 371 00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:13,071 - What's to be confused about? 372 00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,506 I'm the real santa. 373 00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:18,309 Who is this impostor? 374 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,212 - Well, you couldn't both be santa. 375 00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:24,615 You must be santa's helpers. 376 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:27,719 - Right. He's my helper. 377 00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:29,988 - Hey, helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer 378 00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:31,589 And bring the sled around? 379 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,725 - I bet you can't even name the reindeer. 380 00:16:33,727 --> 00:16:36,260 - Whoa! Oh! 381 00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:37,395 Rudolph. 382 00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,197 Uh, donner. 383 00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:41,099 Blitzen. 384 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,767 Those are the main ones. 385 00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:48,039 We rotate them so they wear evenly. 386 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:51,242 Uh, cupid. 387 00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,611 Ajax. 388 00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:56,748 And lefty. 389 00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:58,683 - Aha! Now we know the truth. 390 00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,185 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! 391 00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:03,121 - It's uncle robert. 392 00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,756 - No, no, little one. 393 00:17:04,758 --> 00:17:06,691 I've only assumed the body 394 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:09,293 Of a life-form that you would accept. 395 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:15,600 - Robert, you're santa, not a klingon. 396 00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:18,036 - And that's grandpa. 397 00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,471 - That's very good, ally. This is grandpa. 398 00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,707 Okay, guys, you couldn't fool her, okay? Come on. 399 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,475 - Pulling the beard off santa claus. 400 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:26,344 The nerve of this guy. 401 00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:27,545 - If you want to do some good, 402 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:31,549 Go work the corner with a bucket. 403 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:35,219 - Just for that, no toys. 404 00:17:37,322 --> 00:17:38,790 - Why did they do that? 405 00:17:38,792 --> 00:17:40,525 - Oh, honey, it's just because 406 00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:43,694 Grandpa and uncle robert love you so much, 407 00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:46,497 And they just want you to have a wonderful christmas. 408 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:48,466 - Oh. 409 00:17:50,469 --> 00:17:52,537 - That's good. You think she's better off now? 410 00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:55,139 - Oh, they were just trying to help, ray. 411 00:17:55,141 --> 00:18:00,545 - Yeah, let them help by paying her shrink bills, huh, 412 00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:02,346 When she's having nightmares about two santas 413 00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:04,782 And a reindeer named lefty. 414 00:18:09,154 --> 00:18:11,255 - Hey, ray. 415 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,657 - Dad, do me a favor 416 00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:15,426 And don't come over and make up stories to ally, okay? 417 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,428 - Come on. I'm a grandfather. 418 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,729 That's what I do. 419 00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:21,132 I tell stories. 420 00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:24,402 It's in the manual. 421 00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:26,671 - Like you told me stories, right, dad? 422 00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:28,339 - What is it? 423 00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:32,110 - You know how much this thing meant to me? 424 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:35,346 - Oh, come on, ray. It's only a ball. 425 00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,748 - Yeah, you're right, dad. You're right. 426 00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:40,118 That's all it is now. 427 00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:43,454 - What's the matter with you? 428 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:44,789 - Do you know how much it meant to me 429 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,424 To have a mickey mantle? 430 00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:47,825 And what did you do? 431 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:51,362 You brought home a fake. 432 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:55,399 - What--what was I supposed to do? 433 00:18:55,401 --> 00:18:58,236 I didn't know mickey mantle, 434 00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,538 And you wanted his autograph. 435 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,874 So I went back for five games, 436 00:19:02,876 --> 00:19:05,409 And I stood by the stadium door, 437 00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:07,812 And mantle never came out. 438 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:10,381 - So you just got some trainer to sign it. 439 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,350 - No. 440 00:19:13,585 --> 00:19:16,454 I signed it myself. 441 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,590 - You signed it? 442 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:23,628 - Yeah, I knew how much you wanted the thing, 443 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:27,498 So I practiced his signature over and over. 444 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:31,569 not a bad job, huh? 445 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,504 You know, if I could have gotten hold 446 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:34,839 Of the mick's checkbook, 447 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:38,476 We'd be having this discussion on a yacht. 448 00:19:40,479 --> 00:19:42,847 - Why didn't you just tell me the truth? 449 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:46,317 - Ah, I didn't want you to be disappointed. 450 00:19:48,453 --> 00:19:49,820 You're my kid. 451 00:19:54,626 --> 00:19:57,495 I don't blame you for being ticked off. 452 00:19:57,497 --> 00:20:00,498 I'm sorry I signed it. 453 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:09,840 What are you doing? 454 00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:12,410 - I want it now. 455 00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:28,259 - You--you-- 456 00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:30,761 You--you mean that even though you know 457 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:33,798 That ball's a fake, it still means something to you? 458 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:37,935 - Yeah. Yeah, dad. 459 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:41,439 - Then this christmas... 460 00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:44,709 You're going to love the rolex I got you. 461 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:05,263 ho, ho, ho. 462 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:11,569 Ho, ho, ho. 463 00:21:13,305 --> 00:21:16,474 Ally. 464 00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:21,045 Ho, ho, ho. 465 00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:22,513 - Santa? 466 00:21:22,515 --> 00:21:25,616 - Hi, ally. 467 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,451 - You must be the real one. 468 00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,820 - Well... 469 00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:33,557 I know how much that you believed in me, 470 00:21:33,559 --> 00:21:37,428 And I just wanted to come by and say 471 00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:39,630 Thanks for the support. 472 00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:41,799 - You're welcome. 473 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:44,468 - I have to go now. I have to, uh, 474 00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:47,805 Fill all the stockings and eat all the cookies 475 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,641 And--in general, 476 00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:54,545 This is one of my busiest nights of the year. 477 00:21:54,547 --> 00:21:56,580 - Will you tuck me in, santa? 478 00:21:56,582 --> 00:22:00,484 - Yeah, sure, I'll tuck you in. 479 00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:02,920 Anything else that you need? 480 00:22:02,922 --> 00:22:05,623 A drink of water? 481 00:22:05,625 --> 00:22:06,791 Trip to the bathroom? 482 00:22:06,793 --> 00:22:08,459 - No, thank you. 483 00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:10,928 - Okay, then. 484 00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:12,530 Sweet dreams... 485 00:22:12,532 --> 00:22:14,932 Always. 486 00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:21,806 - Santa? - Yeah? 487 00:22:21,808 --> 00:22:24,108 - See you next year. 488 00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:25,976 - Okay. 489 00:22:25,978 --> 00:22:26,777 Bye-bye. 490 00:22:28,547 --> 00:22:30,047 oh, fu-- 491 00:22:30,049 --> 00:22:32,950 la-la la-la 492 00:22:32,952 --> 00:22:36,053 La-la la-la la la la-- 33584

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