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I read this article once.
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It said there's an institute
in Switzerland dedicated to sex.
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And they published this report.
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They'd spent ten years studying
the male erection,
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and they came up with
a scale for measuring hardness.
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00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:24,270
They said there's four categories
of hard-on, from soft to hard,
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starting with the softest,
number one,
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and they called that... tofu.
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Number two is peeled banana.
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Number three... banana.
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Number four... cucumber.
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I hate gay men.
Why are we even going?
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I hate them all!
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It's all, '"Hi! '" and, '"Oh, my God! '"
And, '"Look at you! '"
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Yeah, well, don't look at me.
Do me a favour, don't!
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That's why I've got you.
I don't even like you particularly.
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You're just someone to watch TV with
so I don't have to go out.
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00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:08,631
- Max is gonna be there.
- Oh, I hate Max!
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And Raymond.
'"It's not Ray, it's Raymond.
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' "I'd rather you called me Raymond.'"
Yeah, and I'd rather you fucked off.
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And Steve. I hate Steve.
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I kissed him once,
about 15 years ago,
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and now he's got this look on his face
like he knows me, the bastard.
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OK. That's enough.
That's enough now.
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Well done.
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That's just weird.
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It is, isn't it? Veronica sent me
a link for that hotel.
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She says Madrid's fantastic.
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But it's a city.
It's always a city, we've got no choice.
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Maybe I'd like to go to the coast,
with a beach and sea and sand,
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- but we can't, can we?
- No.
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- Well, then.
- I'll go on my own.
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Send me a postcard.
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- We should go on a date.
- Where did that come from?
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I don't know. This. You and me.
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We should go on a proper date,
like in the old days.
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- Have you been reading a book?
- It'd be nice.
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- We go out for dinner.
- OK, leave it, fine.
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Good, I think I will.
What did you say it for anyway?
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00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,515
- Leave it.
- Oh, God, I wanna go home.
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They're gonna be all like,
' "Oh, hi-i-i! Hi-i-i! Hi-i-i! '"
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00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,109
Hi-i-i!
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Oh, my God, I hate this.
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I hate you all.
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Can I go now?
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I've said hello, can I go?
What's your name again?
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00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,389
Oh, you're too slim, you make me sick.
Mwah.
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And you can just fuck off.
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00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:21,229
Hey!
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Cheeky.
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00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,957
Oh, my God, look at you.
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00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,116
Hey, hang on, hang on.
Right, look at this.
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I can turn to the right...
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00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:30,672
I can turn to the left...
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and if I'm very, very careful...
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I can... get on down.
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00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:37,595
No, no, no, no, don't, you're gonna snap.
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00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:41,997
It's OK, they're made out of titanium.
Once upon a time, I had buns of steel.
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00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:45,112
Now I have titanium hips.
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00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,628
This new bloke comes to AA
and we get talking,
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turns out that he teaches
applied physics at the Metropolitan.
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00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:55,068
Married, he tells me after three hours,
so that was a waste of time,
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00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,156
but d'you know what he said, right?
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00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,715
He said, '"I can tell you what
destroyed your hips.'"
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00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:03,433
He said,
' "It's because you're an alcoholic.'"
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00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:07,712
He says, '"Excessive alcohol causes
a toxic granulation of the blood,
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00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,877
'"so your own blood is grinding away
in your joints like sandpaper.'"
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00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:15,072
Three decades of vodka have
turned my bones into dust.
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00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,032
You drank your hips away?
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00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,877
I drank my hips off.
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'Scuse me, sorry,
can I take those for you?
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Can I, er, get you anything else?
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Not at the moment, thanks.
We're pacing ourselves, at our age.
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Sure.
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00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,355
Got him. I knew it, his name's Louis.
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00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:39,995
'"Top, but will flip for the right guy,
18-25, no faceless torsos.'"
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00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,270
Oh, for Christ's sake,
we're not even in a gay bar.
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00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,629
- The whole world is a gay bar now.
- Link to Tumblr...
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00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:48,309
Oh, yes, indeed. Photo of his cock.
Gorgeous.
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You're kidding me.
What happened to all the build-up?
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00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,759
Don't you need a bit of mystery?
81
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,677
Oh, fuck mystery, that is brilliant!
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00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,597
- Look what I found, his cum shot!
- No way.
83
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,039
Turn it round, it's widescreen.
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00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,957
Whoa!
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00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,672
Whoa!
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00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:05,030
Hey, hey! Super Soaker!
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00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,036
You should wear goggles.
88
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,992
- You should wear the goggles!
- Oh, my God, I would, I really would!
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00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,759
Oh, my God, I so would. D'you hear
what he said? He said it to me!
90
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,678
Really, though, is it just me?
Is that not remotely sexy at all?
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00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:16,948
I'm officially giving up.
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00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,275
As of this moment, the modern world
just left me behind.
93
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,471
Henry! The world wasn't built by kids.
It was us. We did this.
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00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,078
Oh, I miss the '90s.
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00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:25,189
I was happy then.
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00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:26,912
I once got a fax off Liz Hurley.
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00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,474
D'you know the worst thing
about growing old? Your spunk.
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00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,431
How it goes sort of yellow,
like it's all congealed.
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I used to love it nice and white,
but... now it's gone.
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00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,715
- Mine's still white. And him, he's white.
- Mine's completely white.
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00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:42,193
We've both got white.
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It doesn't go yellow.
Who the fuck's is yellow?
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00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,517
- You're kidding?
- No, seriously. Completely white.
104
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,949
- Is it just me?
- What sort of yellow? Like felt tip?
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00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,798
Does it glow in the dark, like those
things they wave at concerts?
106
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,671
Is that what they wave at concerts?!
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00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,280
It's more like a nicotine colour.
Oh, my God, is it just me?!
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00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,389
Yes, it's just you.
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00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,000
- Oh, my God! Have I curdled?!
- You mean, it's really yellow?
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Your spunk is yellow?!
111
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,152
How are things with you two?
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00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,074
Good.
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00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,235
Same as ever.
114
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:17,191
How long's it been now? What, ten years?
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00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,037
Nine years in August.
116
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,594
What happened to that bloke at work?
The Spanish one.
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00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:22,789
Gone. Moved away.
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00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:25,195
We never...
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00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,515
We just had lunch together,
once a month.
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Never even kissed.
121
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:33,434
You always did that.
Never had affairs, just obsessions.
122
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,233
Did I ever tell you about
that bloke from Carlisle?
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00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,233
Oh, he must've been... 35, 36.
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00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:52,636
Couldn't get his number,
I didn't have a phone, I was 14.
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All I knew was, he lived in Carlisle.
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00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,032
So one day I went to Carlisle.
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All on my own, bought a ticket, 12 quid.
Got on the bus, three hours, got off.
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00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,996
Walked around Carlisle all day,
sat on a bench in a park
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00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:08,157
in the middle of the city,
just in case I bumped into him.
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Didn't.
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00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,593
Got on the bus,
three hours back home.
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00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,518
My dad said, '"How was school? '"
And I said, '"Fine.'"
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00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,235
You forget, don't you? That age.
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Like a furnace in your head.
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You think it's gone?
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00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:26,672
Well... it fades.
137
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:27,914
Thank God.
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00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,109
I think it just waits.
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00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,673
- Really?
- Yeah.
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00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:36,556
That's why we get... partners
and mortgages and... stomachs.
141
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,272
We're building a fortress.
142
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,675
But it's still there,
beyond those walls, just waiting.
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00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,349
Well... Maybe that's just you.
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00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,156
So, settled down, have you?
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Not the most exciting word
in the world, but... yeah.
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00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:56,390
And the sex is good, is it?
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It's fine.
148
00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,832
Have you done it yet?
149
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:02,915
We're fine.
150
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,669
Come on, you! The rogues are leaving.
151
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,995
- You cripple!
- That's fine!
152
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,271
You bunch of fucking homos!
153
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,038
Oh, my God, Raymondo's wallpaper!
154
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,798
He's still got Tom Daley.
155
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,035
No-one fancies him any more
now that he's come out.
156
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:28,640
- All the fun's gone.
- I was glad when the Vamps came along.
157
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,275
For the first time, I thought -
there is such a thing as too young.
158
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,117
Have they got a gay?
159
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,913
Well, if one of them's gay,
it'll be the ugly one, cos it always is.
160
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,428
Westlife, Union J, NSYNC.
161
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,675
It's like that gay brother thing.
Chris Evans has got a gay brother,
162
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,439
Ryan Kwanten's got a gay brother,
Colin Farrell's got a gay brother,
163
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,597
but we always miss, the gay one's
always the ugly bugger.
164
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,392
Ryan Kwanten's gay.
165
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:50,668
Ooh, can you imagine?
166
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:54,235
David Beckham's gay.
Harry Judd is gay.
167
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:55,952
Ryan Reynolds, he's gay.
168
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,036
- You wish!
- No. Just listen.
169
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,230
- I haven't heard this for years.
- Do Ryan Reynolds!
170
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,958
OK.
171
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,798
I know for a fact
that Ryan Reynolds is gay,
172
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:08,149
cos there is nothing Ryan Reynolds
loves more...
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00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,350
than cock.
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00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,755
He's got his very own cock,
and he loves it.
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00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:16,679
Think about it. Say... Ryan Reynolds
is filming some movie,
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00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,917
he's far away from home,
he's in some hotel
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00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,520
and he gets back to his room...
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00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,511
He's hot...
179
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:26,560
he's fit...
180
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:29,193
...he's got a hard-on...
181
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:35,313
...and it's packed into the denim,
he's trapped in his jeans.
182
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,517
Maybe there's a mirror.
183
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,916
He's looking in the mirror
as he heaves it out,
184
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,997
he's got his jeans around his knees
and he's looking in the mirror
185
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,679
and he loves it,
he loves what he sees,
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00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:58,111
cos he holds his cock and he wanks it,
and he loves it.
187
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:02,391
His cock... is making him gay.
188
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:08,511
As he holds that cock
and all he wants in life
189
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:11,552
is that big...
190
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,352
hard...
191
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:14,753
thick...
192
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,233
meat.
193
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:23,116
This... really happens.
194
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,468
With his... jeans and his...
195
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,233
...cock...
196
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:33,477
and his mouth's hanging open.
197
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,558
So he's gay.
198
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,479
He is gay,
in that second he is gay.
199
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:45,150
There is nothing more gay
in the whole fucking world.
200
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,630
And then...
201
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,273
...Ryan...
202
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,311
...Reynolds...
203
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:58,518
...comes.
204
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:39,908
There we go, then.
205
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:42,960
Yeah.
206
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,309
You staying up?
207
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,918
Er, got some e-mails.
208
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,712
I've got that sponsorship stuff.
209
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,318
OK. See you later.
210
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,228
Researchers say...
211
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,314
OK...
212
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,070
He drank his hips off.
213
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,314
I know!
214
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:37,871
- Love you.
- Mm.
215
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:38,920
Love you, too.
216
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,194
Especially Bono.
217
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,948
Hello! How are you, boys?
218
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,718
The boys are fine, thanks, and you?
219
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:57,113
I just wanted to say,
220
00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,835
I hope you don't mind, Henry, but when
you masturbate in that top room,
221
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,235
we can see through the blind.
222
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,316
It creates a sort of silhouette.
223
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,511
I mean, I don't mind, but it's the kids.
224
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:14,551
OK.
225
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,033
Sorry.
226
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,913
If you had a thicker fabric?
227
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:19,915
Yeah.
228
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,678
Don't want to stop the fun!
229
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:23,950
Bob said you're
regular as clockwork.
230
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,468
Right, then. Thank you. Thanks.
231
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,357
We've got to move. That's it.
232
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,595
I'm never going back.
233
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,835
Lance?
234
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,552
Are you laughing?
Lance, are you laughing at me?
235
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,477
- Oh, my God!
- Don't fucking laugh!
236
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,596
Oi! I'm humilia...
237
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,108
All right, then.
238
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,879
All right, all right, I'll do it, OK?
We'll go on a date. I will, all right?
239
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,309
Really? Seriously?
240
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,715
On condition you let me book the holiday.
241
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,274
And I warn you,
there will be beaches.
242
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,151
OK, that's a deal!
243
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,918
I tell you what,
244
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,838
I'll grab some clothes and go to Elaine's.
I'll get changed there.
245
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,235
Cos it's not a proper date
if we start off in the same bathroom.
246
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,077
Wait a minute, this date's tonight?
247
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,759
I'm not giving you a chance
to change your mind.
248
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,358
Tonight, you're mine.
249
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,432
I know, outsourcing is like
their mantra, yadda, yadda, yadda,
250
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,516
but I think we've got a problem
with the basic subrogation,
251
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,835
and I'm not saying it's anyone's fault.
252
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,440
I think we've just inherited a system
that's been struggling for years.
253
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,040
Somebody somewhere's got to say stop.
254
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:58,038
I mean, who does
the claims representative answer to, hmm?
255
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,355
Is it my office? Is it you? Is it Cherry?
256
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:05,190
Cos right now we've got settlements
going out of the building...
257
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:08,152
...while, at the same time,
258
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:11,476
Claims Management say
it's not being utilised...
259
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,432
Erm, yep, I've... I've gotta go.
260
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,438
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, look,
I... I've gotta go.
261
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,119
- Henry, can I ask you a favour?
- Not now.
262
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,599
Oh, wow.
263
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,756
You can still piss?
264
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,392
Well, of course I can, don't be stupid.
265
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,749
- What happens if you get a hard-on?
- Well, it hurts. That's the point.
266
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,155
- How long does it stay on for?
- Two weeks.
267
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,519
Cos you go to the club,
268
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,949
and the man in charge puts it on you
in front of everybody.
269
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,356
There's about 35 men all staring,
and then he locks it. D'you see?
270
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,789
Then he keeps the key,
and that's it, there's nothing you can do,
271
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,717
you've got two weeks
till he sets you free.
272
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,115
- And then?
- Apparently, you explode.
273
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,433
What d'you think? You into this?
You gonna be all... S&M?
274
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:55,879
Nah, it's just a laugh.
275
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,036
And, like Freddie said,
it's easy to just have sex.
276
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,956
Is Freddie that boy who
works in the canteen?
277
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,956
Oh, I know. Oh, my God!
278
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,433
Way out of my league.
279
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,472
And he lives with me now.
I lived with Karl, but he moved out,
280
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,909
and Freddie got thrown out
of India House, so he moved in.
281
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,838
Just when I've got a chastity belt.
I'm lickin' the walls.
282
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,314
He looks nice, though, he looks
really nice. Hashtag, get naked!
283
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,874
Yeah, no-one says ' "hashtag'" out loud,
not any more.
284
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,672
They do. My friends do.
285
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,631
Well, exactly. Your friends.
286
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,557
It's a bit BBC Three. See ya!
287
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,480
- It'll only take two seconds.
- Look, could you talk to Diane about it?
288
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,117
So I thought, if we extend
the sponsorship deals and fix them
289
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,835
for a guaranteed five years, then
the internships can work both ways.
290
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,997
We can take your students
on 6- and 12-week programmes,
291
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,031
and, in return, our members of staff
292
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:52,356
can have access to your resources
right across the whole range.
293
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,915
So, this is how it works. You bring
your class, or your group of students,
294
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:59,111
into this central area,
and we have this audio system
295
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:02,152
so that you can talk to the divers, and
they can reply to you over the speakers.
296
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:05,431
It's the ultimate in live interaction.
Do you want a go?
297
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:06,549
Oh... Er...
298
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,989
Yeah... Do I just... talk to them?
299
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,280
Yeah! They can hear you.
That's Daniel, he's the new boy,
300
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:14,073
he's been learning all the facts
and figures, so you can test him.
301
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,111
Right. Um... Hello, hi...
302
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:20,756
Yes, er... Yeah, I've always wondered,
just how thick is this glass?
303
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,392
I mean... I hope it's safe!
304
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,351
Hi there.
305
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,517
OK, the window isn't glass,
it's actually made of acrylic,
306
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,152
which is 22 centimetres thick
307
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,839
and it needs to be cleaned
every single day.
308
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,440
That's the newbie's job,
and that's me.
309
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,471
Right. And I'm reading
in the brochure about the lights...
310
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,114
Daniel.
311
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,151
- They all look the same in the wetsuits.
- Daniel doesn't.
312
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,395
Careful, you. Big night tonight.
313
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:44,668
I know, but...
314
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:46,949
Who is he?
315
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:51,118
He moved here from London.
After he split up with his wife.
316
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,196
Damn.
317
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,673
We don't know why they split up.
318
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,438
Every single creature gets a chance
to sleep,
319
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,630
and a chance to wake,
just as it would in the wild...
320
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:01,680
Hey.
321
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:04,957
Don't mind me,
just wanted to say hello.
322
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,752
Lance Sullivan,
Head of Corporate and Education.
323
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,756
Hi there. Oh, careful. Sorry...
324
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,472
It's Daniel, yeah?
325
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,317
They said you'd come from London.
326
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,590
Yeah, yeah, I was at Sea Life
for about six years.
327
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,471
You know, it's weird, I was
part of the White Shark Project
328
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:18,670
right from the start,
so this is... this is like coming home.
329
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,676
What about you? Are you a Manchester man?
330
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,915
Not originally. Been here about 18 years.
331
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,793
My boyfriend is, though.
He's native, born and bred.
332
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,671
Does he work here?
333
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,950
No! Insurance. Boring.
334
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,310
Don't say that. We all need insurance.
Those men keep us safe.
335
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:36,477
Yeah! I suppose.
336
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:37,999
I'll... tell him you said that.
337
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:39,234
Anyway...
338
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:42,874
Mustn't keep you,
I was just saying hello...
339
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,592
- We should go for a drink.
- Yeah.
340
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:45,914
With your boyfriend too.
341
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,791
Not just you and me,
that might freak him out.
342
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,593
Though, don't get me wrong,
I mean to a normal bar,
343
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,073
yeah, not your sort of place.
344
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,758
Don't want you
leading me to the dark side.
345
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,519
Well, not on the first night!
346
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,994
Yeah, so I'm still kind of
exploring the city, really.
347
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,160
I wouldn't know where's good
348
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,519
- for a drink, or...
- We could show you.
349
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,677
OK. But not Canal Street, OK?
We've all heard about Canal Street.
350
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,199
Well, it's not what it was, but...
351
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,434
Why?
352
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,118
What's wrong with it?
353
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,355
Be fair. They'd all buzz around me.
354
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,510
Like insects.
355
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,391
Yeah...
356
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,670
Well... anyway...
357
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,153
work to be done.
358
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,633
- What about Friday night?
- Um...
359
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,240
Maybe. I... I'd have to check.
360
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,669
Don't raise my hopes, now.
361
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,073
I know men like you.
362
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,479
See you around.
363
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:33,555
And you.
364
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:44,673
There you go.
365
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,476
Thanks, Freddie.
366
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,473
We should sell.
367
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:01,159
I've got the figures right here,
and the best thing we could do is sell.
368
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,555
But it could still make money.
We could get new lodgers
369
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,830
and... I could pay it more attention.
I know I've been ignoring it.
370
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:10,078
Adam! We don't have time for all that now,
could you come and give me a hand?
371
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:13,271
Adam. Adam!
My son thinks he's famous.
372
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,550
He's got fans, actual fans,
can you believe it?
373
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,956
But we're orphans, Cleo. It hasn't been
the family home for decades, not really,
374
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,640
not for me and you.
Look, could this wait?
375
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,636
Sorry, it's just that, er, MA course,
376
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,478
the one on European futures.
I'm doing the same course that you did.
377
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,078
Listen, I'll phone you tonight...
378
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:28,269
No, I'm going out.
379
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,470
- On a date.
- Oh, he finally got round to it!
380
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,080
What does that mean?
How do you know about it? What did he say?
381
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,553
He just mentioned it, that's all.
382
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,636
Why? What would he tell you for?
Is this about money?
383
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,672
Cos we can't afford to move.
Mum and Dad wiped out those savings.
384
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,075
- Yeah... what about it?
- It's the essay on vocational packages...
385
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,712
Now, stop it.
386
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:44,988
And don't tell him I said anything.
387
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:47,508
It's more than you deserve anyway.
Adam! Look, I've really got to go...
388
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:48,675
You must have done the same one.
389
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,278
- I was wondering if I could borrow it.
...but you behave tonight.
390
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,880
What does that mean?
Is there an actual reason for this date?
391
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,319
Could you what?
392
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:55,793
Borrow it? The essay?
393
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,229
- Just as comparison. Could I?
- I've got to go,
394
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,999
she's been sick all down herself.
Haven't you?
395
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,951
Erm... yeah, OK.
396
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,150
Look at you, all down your nice clean top.
397
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,031
- Molly, would it kill you to help?
- I sort of need it now.
398
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,115
Oh...
399
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,835
Look, Cleo... if there's something
I need to know, then you should tell me.
400
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:15,429
Now, tell your Uncle Henry, that tone
doesn't work with me, does it?
401
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:19,359
No, it doesn't. Lance is being nice, OK?
So don't try to get clever.
402
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:23,518
You're a very lucky man and I didn't
say a word. I'm going. Have fun. Adam!
403
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,553
Got it. Thank you.
404
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,039
You know that Sunil Merchandani?
405
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,799
He just stole from me.
406
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,035
Took me a month to write that essay.
407
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,833
Vocational packages,
that subject is enormous.
408
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,598
Now he's gone and taken it.
409
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,995
What's to stop him
handing my essay in as his own?
410
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,759
I spent two years studying for an MA,
now he can just copy me.
411
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:00,313
You should ask for it back.
412
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,796
No, he's got it now, that's the point.
He can't... un-have it any more.
413
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,398
Then, tell him. It's theft.
414
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:08,113
I know. He might as well break into
my house. And you know why?
415
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,470
He's a Band 5. He needs his MA
to qualify for Band 6.
416
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,431
He's gonna get promoted
using my essay!
417
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:14,680
How are you going to prove it?
418
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,870
Well, I can't, can I? What would I do?
419
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,514
Is it actually a crime, plagiarism?
Is it illegal?
420
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,152
We could find out.
421
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,430
Could ask my neighbour,
she works at Salford University.
422
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:24,833
D'you want me to?
423
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,394
Um... I don't know. I suppose.
424
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,318
He stole from you, Henry.
He's in possession of your property.
425
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:31,839
D'you want me to ask her? Shall I?
What d'you think?
426
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,314
OK, yeah, ask her.
Let's get the facts. All right, do it.
427
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,032
- I'll ask her tonight.
- Good. Ask her. I'd love to find out.
428
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,354
Cos he stole from me!
429
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,312
So... why did you give him
the essay in the first place?
430
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,032
Because I'm nice.
431
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,075
Little bastard.
432
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,632
Hello, stranger.
433
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,398
Oh!
434
00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,158
Dean. Hello! That's funny.
435
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:00,713
What you doin' here?
436
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:02,671
Just a... bit of business.
What about you?
437
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,676
I told you, I live over there.
Calico Warehouse.
438
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:06,870
- Right, course, yeah.
- With Freddie.
439
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,194
Fantastic.
440
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,954
So...
441
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,599
Didn't you say you had a... a problem
with insurance?
442
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:23,598
I mean, we're not squatting,
we pay rent. It's like 400 a month.
443
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:25,517
But we never got it down on paper,
not really.
444
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:28,028
There's no contract.
D'you think we need one?
445
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,640
There's a man called Roderick.
He's not the actual landlord,
446
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,441
I think he rents it, and then we pay
his rent, if you see what I mean.
447
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:36,913
Nice, isn't it?
448
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,673
- It's massive!
- Cold, though.
449
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,951
But is it... I mean, is it... habitable,
technically,
450
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,389
is it an... an actual residence?
451
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,034
- Cos 400 quid a month is nothing.
- It's not if you haven't got it.
452
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,355
According to Roderick, they were
converting this place into flats,
453
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,039
then everything crashed in 2008,
so then it got abandoned.
454
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:56,399
That's why I wanted to ask you,
455
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,431
cos Roderick says we've
only got electricity and water
456
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,072
cos they can't insure this place
without it.
457
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:02,076
I mean, is that true, is that bollocks?
I dunno.
458
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,953
Look, my room's over there,
and over here, we have...
459
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,877
the pit.
460
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,354
Freddie's bed. The Fred Bed.
461
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,119
That's where it all happens,
all those lucky boys and girls.
462
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:15,997
What, does he do both?
463
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,998
Well, I think so. He's kind of anything.
Here's the kitchen.
464
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:25,988
I've got to be honest, I think
insurance is the least of your problems.
465
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,554
This place is contravening
health and safety
466
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:32,036
on... just about every single level.
467
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,038
Shit. I thought
health and safety was just at work.
468
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,036
No, no, you'd be surprised.
469
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:39,150
I suppose the whole thing
depends on this... Roderick.
470
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,033
I mean, is he really a landlord or is he
just... the man who takes your money?
471
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,196
Could we get in trouble? With the law?
472
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,073
Well, no, well... there's one little clause
that acts in your favour.
473
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,350
Cos if you are squatting,
that is illegal,
474
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,709
but it doesn't apply to
commercial properties,
475
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:56,515
so your existence here could depend
on the definition of this building...
476
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,238
Hey. This is Henry from work.
477
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,279
You see, the biggest problem is I can't
use iTunes without a billing address,
478
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:13,719
but they won't even recognise this place.
479
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:16,558
Can I get it sort of... registered?
480
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:19,751
- I don't know.
- Could I talk to the council?
481
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:21,950
Dunno.
482
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,390
- Dunno.
- My friend Leesha works at the town hall,
483
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,079
and she says we could get a housing grant,
if we converted the other room.
484
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:29,519
Come and have a look.
485
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,194
I mean, you couldn't live in here,
but Leesha says it counts
486
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,869
as a third bedroom, which means you
can get money to fix it, officially.
487
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,750
- Oh, Jesus Christ, it's freezing.
- I know. Freeze your balls off.
488
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,268
We had crazy dog-sex in here
just to see if it could be done.
489
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:58,514
Right.
490
00:26:58,560 --> 00:26:59,754
Who did?
491
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:00,835
Me and Freddie.
492
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,474
Oh, right.
493
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,351
I thought you said he was
out of your league.
494
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:07,436
He is. It was only quick.
495
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,357
Yeah.
496
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,517
So... what d'you think?
497
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:24,829
I think...
498
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:27,757
Dean, I don't know what to think.
499
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:29,994
Ohh, fuck.
500
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:32,877
I think... I'm going home.
501
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:35,160
Yeah.
502
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:37,593
I'm going on a date.
503
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:04,359
Henry, are you there?
504
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:05,594
It's Katrina.
505
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,911
Listen, I talked to my neighbour
506
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,428
about that plagiarism thing, y'know,
with Sunil?
507
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:15,950
Turns out it might be a bit complicated.
Could you call me back?
508
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,433
Soon as you can.
509
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:29,320
I'm sorry to disturb you, Henry, but
I wondered if I could have a word.
510
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:30,952
Er, it's rather urgent.
511
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,230
This is Sunil here, Sunil Merchandani.
512
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:43,796
Hello, Mr Best,
my name's Yan Peng,
513
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,877
I'm calling from the Student Life Team
at Salford University.
514
00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:48,717
I wonder if you could call me back.
515
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:50,751
It's concerning Sunil Merchandani.
516
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,230
Oh, Henry, where are ya?!
517
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,511
Turns out, my neighbour,
she doesn't just work at Salford,
518
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:04,790
she's on this thing called
the Plagiarism Committee.
519
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:06,876
They actually have a committee!
520
00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:16,790
Your colleague gave us
Merchandani's name,
521
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:19,229
so I've examined all his previous essays.
522
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:23,034
We've got dedicated software which can run
comparisons with relevant texts
523
00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:25,355
and student essays submitted post-2008,
524
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:30,190
and, I have to say, Merchandani
lit the place up like a Christmas tree.
525
00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:32,629
I don't think he's written
an original word in his life.
526
00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:48,838
I wasn't going to steal it! I just...
527
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,235
...got... got behind with the work,
and... and the family,
528
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,919
and... and then I had that bad time,
529
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:57,077
with all that time off work,
and I just... I just couldn't cope...
530
00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,549
She says it really is theft.
531
00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:07,319
Plagiarism is an actual crime.
532
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:09,112
To be honest, she was terrifying.
533
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:22,195
And I've already e-mailed
your HR department.
534
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:24,708
I can tell you for a fact,
the last time this happened,
535
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:26,591
the perpetrator was sacked.
536
00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:32,956
I went to the doctor,
and my spunk isn't yellow, it's orange,
537
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,673
which means blood,
which means I'm dying!
538
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,234
Thank you very much for laughing!
539
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:41,352
Please, Henry,
if you just... just tell them to stop,
540
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:45,029
I'll never, never do it again!
Please, oh, please help me!
541
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:10,952
Oh...
542
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:33,559
Cos Devindra's been there for 18 months,
543
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,955
and he never stays in the same position
for more than two years.
544
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,195
He's just using it as a launch pad
to get onto the board,
545
00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:39,639
and that puts me next in line,
546
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:41,636
which means, what,
another £6,000 a year,
547
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:43,955
and if the expansion goes ahead,
we're talking maybe £10,000,
548
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:45,240
so we could think about moving.
549
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:47,236
We could go back to Hale Barns
and take another look,
550
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:48,960
and if you put it all together
I thought...
551
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:50,399
will you marry me?
552
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:52,794
No!
553
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:54,876
OK.
554
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:56,512
Where did that come from?
555
00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,596
We've never even talked about it,
it's not even on the radar,
556
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,393
I don't actually know what you mean.
Why on earth would we do that?
557
00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:03,078
It doesn't have to be a big ceremony.
558
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:04,838
Yeah, but why would we do it?
I don't understand why.
559
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:07,075
We're happy, aren't we?
Why do you want to change?
560
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:09,839
Is something wrong?
Is there something you're not telling me?
561
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:11,438
- No!
- Well, then!
562
00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:14,431
It makes sense. Financially.
563
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:16,948
Oh, that... that's terrible!
That's no reason to get married.
564
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:18,592
Imagine if a straight couple said that!
565
00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:20,631
So you think people should only
get married out of love?
566
00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:21,680
Yeah!
567
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:26,038
Then...
568
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:27,991
will you marry me?
569
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:31,670
It's not that... It's sort of...
570
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:33,756
- OK.
- No, I'm saying...
571
00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:36,155
- I understand.
- Oh, don't make a thing of it.
572
00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:37,428
I'm not.
573
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:39,948
I asked a question, you said no.
There we are, done.
574
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:41,672
Look...
575
00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:44,280
It's... It's just not there.
576
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:47,039
In my head. It's...
It's not an option.
577
00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:49,116
Never was.
578
00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:51,390
It's not my fault they went
and invented it!
579
00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:53,919
Cos I...
580
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:58,511
I knew when I was ten years old,
I'm... never getting married.
581
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:00,437
It's...
582
00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:03,517
It's... never, never...
583
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:06,991
...never been there.
584
00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:08,951
And then you met me.
585
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:10,831
So?
586
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:16,757
It's just something I'd like, that's all.
587
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:18,480
I'd... I'd really like it. I'd... love it.
588
00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:21,599
I would love it.
589
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:24,872
So...
590
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:26,353
will you think about it?
591
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:28,436
No.
592
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:34,469
The thing is that... we're fine. I mean,
we're as... good as we ever were.
593
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:37,159
And it's great that we're
having this... conversation.
594
00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:39,509
We need to look at ourselves.
I've... I've been saying
595
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:43,075
I'll lose weight, and I really will,
and... you could lose some too,
596
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:47,398
and then we'll both be... sexy,
and it'll be... fine.
597
00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:59,117
That's exactly why this is not
where we should be.
598
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:01,230
Oh, come on, let's go home.
599
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,032
I'm full up. Let's get a taxi.
600
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:04,991
It's a date.
601
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:06,712
A date means dancing.
602
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:08,671
Oh, no way!
603
00:34:08,720 --> 00:34:11,234
Look at us! They won't even let us in!
604
00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:14,397
Anyway, no-one goes clubbing now,
it's all... online.
605
00:34:28,720 --> 00:34:29,835
Henry.
606
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:31,279
Thank you!
607
00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:37,831
You OK?
608
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:39,632
Yep.
609
00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:43,510
Look at him.
610
00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:45,312
Ugly fucker.
611
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:48,034
How much?
612
00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:49,718
How much would you pay him?
613
00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:51,159
For a fuck.
614
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:54,113
Million quid.
615
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:58,554
He could fuck me.
616
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:01,394
All night.
617
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:14,837
He'd be good. Black hair, quiff.
618
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:18,837
The one who's laughing.
I'd have him. I'd have all of them.
619
00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:20,154
Five boys fucking me.
620
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:22,350
Brilliant. As long as we don't have to
talk to them.
621
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:23,833
They're so dumb at that age.
622
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:27,111
- We could have a threesome.
- You, me and the quiffy haired boy.
623
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:28,718
Yup. All three of us.
624
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:30,716
- Would you?
- What?
625
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:32,955
Threesome. Would you do it?
626
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:34,194
Oh, yeah!
627
00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:36,879
It's just the knocking him unconscious
and tying him up that worries me,
628
00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:38,672
cos that's the only way
we're ever gonna get him.
629
00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:39,914
But you'd do it if we could?
630
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:41,916
Yeah. I wish!
631
00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:43,757
- Everyone does it.
- I know.
632
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:45,597
Steve does it. Cliff does it.
633
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:47,073
Sally does it! We should do it.
634
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:49,315
OK!
635
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:50,873
Good luck to us!
636
00:36:04,600 --> 00:36:06,397
Whoa!
637
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:07,589
Whoa!
638
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:09,392
Hey! You're like a cowboy!
639
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:12,477
- Cowboy man!
- Yeah... Thanks.
640
00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:14,431
Thing is, I came down from Halifax
tonight,
641
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:16,198
and this fucking bitch, she just left me.
642
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:19,391
She was standing there, chatting all
this bullshit, and then she was gone,
643
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,716
and, honestly, I don't know one end of
Manchester from the other, so...
644
00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:24,557
d'you know anywhere I could stay?
645
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:26,909
There's lots of hotels,
there's a million hotels.
646
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:28,075
No money.
647
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:30,395
Oh, that's a problem. Sorry.
648
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:32,920
- You can stay at ours if you want a fuck.
- Yeah, that's cool.
649
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:36,270
Seriously. We could go back to our house.
No hassle, just sex.
650
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:38,595
With the both of us.
And then... you can stay the night.
651
00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:41,598
- Is that all right, Henry?
- He's a bit... off his head.
652
00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:43,835
I'm one of the kings! Whoo-hoo!
653
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:48,873
And my boyfriend. This is Henry.
654
00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,116
Was that hot?
655
00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:56,718
It was good, yeah.
656
00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:59,149
Henry was just saying he wanted
a threesome.
657
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:01,760
And here you are!
658
00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:36,953
Right... We've got drinks.
What d'you want?
659
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:41,312
We've got... beer, we've got wine,
we've got... vodka, we've got whisky.
660
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:42,679
What do you think?
661
00:37:42,720 --> 00:37:44,278
Anything.
662
00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:46,072
'Scuse me. I'm polite.
663
00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:47,120
Yeah.
664
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:48,798
That's nice.
665
00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:50,353
Thank you.
666
00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:51,833
He's a polite young man.
667
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:03,355
Oi... it's a bit quiet in here.
668
00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:06,790
Yeah... and it's late.
Maybe we should just go to sleep.
669
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:09,308
No, no, no, no, no. I've got it...
670
00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:11,555
Let's have Henry's favourite. Cos...
671
00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:14,512
he takes the piss out of this stuff,
but...
672
00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:17,916
when he's on his own,
he loves it, don't you, Henry?
673
00:38:19,240 --> 00:38:20,719
Boney M!
674
00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:22,273
He still loves Boney M!
675
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:26,313
- I think they're funny, that's all.
- No... you love this stuff for real.
676
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:28,999
Hey, I know Boney M.
677
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:31,759
- That man was hot.
- Exactly. He was hot.
678
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:34,473
- Let's turn it up, then!
- Yeah.
679
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:39,590
Whoo-hoo!
680
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:44,960
Come here!
681
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:57,749
OK.
682
00:38:57,800 --> 00:38:59,153
I'm sorry.
683
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:01,674
Lance.
684
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:05,391
I'm really sorry.
685
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:06,589
Hey.
686
00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:11,714
Listen, erm... Francesco, I think you've
walked into the middle of something.
687
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:13,671
That's my fault, I'm sorry,
but we've got a spare bed, so...
688
00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:15,597
Yeah, yeah, whatever, that's cool.
689
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:18,200
Yeah. Whatever. Good idea.
690
00:39:18,240 --> 00:39:19,992
As soon as you've fucked me, boy.
691
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:21,598
OK, you've made your point!
692
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:23,870
You don't want him... I'll have him.
693
00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:26,992
Lance. Oh... Don't be stupid.
694
00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:28,359
Lance!
695
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:29,628
I think we should stop.
696
00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:33,275
Lance, I think
we should stop now! Come on.
697
00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:35,550
OK. We're going to stop this
right now.
698
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:36,794
He's gonna fuck me.
699
00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:38,432
Francesco's gonna fuck my arse.
700
00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:40,277
And do you know why, Francesco?
701
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:42,390
- You know why I want it so fucking hard?
- Stop it.
702
00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:45,079
Cos it's gonna be the first fuck
I've had in nine years.
703
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:46,519
Cos he doesn't do it.
704
00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:48,835
- Henry doesn't fuck.
- Just stop it!
705
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:50,598
He never fucks!
706
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:54,235
He doesn't fuck, he doesn't get fucked.
He's a virgin.
707
00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:56,840
My boyfriend's a fucking virgin!
708
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:59,599
That's the truth!
709
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:00,834
No fucking whatsoever!
710
00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:04,350
Nine years I've waited.
711
00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:06,994
Nine years... of tossing off.
712
00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:08,871
That's all we do.
713
00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:13,238
We wank each other off,
we suck each other off, and that's it!
714
00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:16,636
Right, I'm going downstairs.
Lance, you're coming with me.
715
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:18,591
- Why not, Henry? Tell me. Why not?
- I'm not gonna fight!
716
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:21,791
All the porn you watch is fucking.
So why don't you do it?
717
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:26,193
OK, just come with me.
Let's go downstairs, let's just calm down.
718
00:40:37,240 --> 00:40:39,071
You're not doing this.
719
00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:40,917
Lance, you're not doing it.
720
00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:44,719
OK.
721
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:46,398
I'll marry you.
722
00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:51,831
- You're kidding me.
- Fuck off!
723
00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:53,871
Open this door!
724
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:54,989
Open this door!
725
00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:57,679
Open this door!
Open this... door!
726
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,191
Fuck off.
727
00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:04,391
There is a... man in my house...
728
00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:06,829
and he will not leave.
729
00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:09,719
You are fucking joking.
730
00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:12,840
You did not call the police.
731
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:14,791
- Tell me you didn't do this.
- OK, boys, we've got a domestic here.
732
00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:16,398
Let's sort this out without any fuss, OK?
733
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:18,032
We've got pigs in the house.
734
00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:20,548
- That's not helping, thank you.
- You're a pig and I'm a dog.
735
00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:21,919
Could you just put some clothes on?
736
00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:24,110
- You called the police?
- And dogs go like this.
737
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:28,076
I told you to put some clothes on.
738
00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:30,475
Right, could you stop that now?
739
00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:32,715
Look, I'm sorry, it's not his fault.
We both invited him in,
740
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:34,671
and I don't think that's
breaking any laws!
741
00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:38,315
I'm warning you, sir, please stop that,
and put some clothes on immediately.
742
00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:41,432
OK, I warned you!
743
00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:44,040
- Now, are you gonna calm down?
- Hey, hey, hey! Leave him alone.
744
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:45,593
Just stand back, thank you.
745
00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:48,108
Look, there's no need to hurt him.
746
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:50,037
Argh!
747
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:54,312
All right, I've got you! Now don't be
stupid. Tell me you won't resist.
748
00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:55,554
Can you do that, sunshine? Can you?
749
00:43:08,280 --> 00:43:10,919
I'm telling you now, because
you're only going to hurt yourself!
750
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:12,313
This is my house! Ow!
751
00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:39,311
- Happy now?
- Learn to swim.
752
00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:42,079
D'you hear me? That's the one thing
you can fucking do for me!
753
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:43,599
Learn to swim!
754
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:45,995
Every holiday we have to go inland!
755
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:47,189
Oh, no, we can't go to the beach!
756
00:43:47,240 --> 00:43:49,629
We can't go to the sea!
Because of him!
757
00:43:49,680 --> 00:43:51,750
You should learn to swim!
758
00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:53,279
You should learn to fuck!
759
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:57,552
Learn to swim! Learn... to... swim!
760
00:43:57,600 --> 00:44:01,036
Learn to swim! Learn to swim!
761
00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:36,792
Now, first of all,
you need to get a rent book.
762
00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:39,832
So, to get a rent book, you need to
establish Roderick's status.
763
00:44:39,880 --> 00:44:41,916
And then you need to establish
the status of this building,
764
00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:44,235
to find out whether
it's a commercial property
765
00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:46,475
or whether it had its
designation changed to residential,
766
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:49,432
and if I do all of that for you...
767
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:51,311
can I stay?
55986
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