Original subtitles

- [gasps] Oh, my God. - What?

We were supposed to be up at 8:00.

Oh, my gosh. What happened? You never oversleep.

I don't know. My body is starting to fail me.

Should we be thinking about having children?

- Not a now conversation, honey. - Oh, why did I wait so long?

- I call first Shower. - Over my dead Body.

[both grunting]

Never! Aghah!

Ha ha ha.

Oh, I know I set that alarm.

I must've gotten up in the middle of the night

and unset it. Oh, I forgive you.

Ugh! Why is there 20 empty shampoo bottles in here?

Empty? What are you talking about?

Put a little water in there. Two solid washes.

How am I going to raise six kids when you're so cheap?

Six kids? Okay, should we stay home today

and talk about this? No.

Ah! Good shower!

Taking my time.

Thank you for the suggestion, shampoo bottle.

I will repeat.

Ah, that's hot! Hot, hot, hot, hot!

Hot! You're mean!

- Honey, Hurry. Hurry. - Yeah. Okay.

- Go. - Go.

Both: Love you.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Your car is blocking me in.

I'm gonna work from home today.

You big jerk!

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

God, I hate having to rush.

[rock music]

♪ The secret to the life you wanted ♪

♪ it's all True ♪

♪ someone's got to do it ♪

♪ now we have the facets working ♪

♪ we got through ♪

♪ all we need is you ♪

♪ oh, Danny boy ♪

welcome to a somber,

but hopefully cathartic occasion...

the splitting up of Mom's things.

As some of you may know, mom passed on six months ago.

- Yeah, we are in the loop. - I'm killing this music.

It's bumming me out. [muslc stops]

I'm nervous, okay?

I've never been an executor before.

This is so hard. I miss mom...

- my Mom. - So much.

Among the items up for grabs are two mystery boxes.

Mystery boxes?

I found them in the back of mom's Closet.

Haven't opened them yet.

[whispering] Julia, we should...

I'm not taking a mystery box, Dave.

Thank you for letting me go first, sis.

I've been thinking about it, and I choose mom's old Records.

God, she loved music. [laughs] Just kidding.

Diamond bracelet, please.

Julia, you're up.

Huh, well, I think I'm gonna take...

mystery box!

Oh, mom's box of old, unmarked keys.

Thanks, Dave. Leigh, you're up.

Wait a second. I thought we were dividing

Mom's stuff between the two of us,

her children.

Yeah, Leigh was like a daughter to her.

- Mom... - My Mom.

She and I...

[voice breaking] the two of us...

don't fight it, honey. It's okay. Let it go.

- She loved me so much. - Okay.

Um, so if Leigh gets to pick something,

I think it's fair that Dave gets to pick something,

because he was like a son to her...

a son that she hated. That she did.

I outlived her though, so...

that was inappropriate. Real nice, Dave.

Leigh, your turn. Mom's sketchbook.

She started slow.

But by the end, Damn if that's not a Lemon.

I choose the antique picture Frame.

Well, I'm gonna go ahead and take...

- other mystery box. - Oh! What the hell, Dave?

It's not good news.

One second left...

Brandon Roy, three-Pointer, drained it.

Wow. That sounds like a great game.

Now tell me where you really were last night.

I was at the blazers game with Dave.

Then why did Julia say she was with Dave last night?

Are you cheating on me, you bastard?

Yeah. Yeah, you'd love that.

You'd get to feel all superior.

Hey, give that back to me.

Oh, here's someone who called several times yesterday.

- Give me it! - I do not know this man!

He just sat at my table! I think he drugged me!

Hi. Were you with Vance last night?

Thank you.

It was a man. You're not cheating on me.

You're cheating on Dave.

It was my dad, okay? I was with my Dad.

He was in town for a night.

And you didn't introduce me to him?

Are you ashamed of me?

Do I embarrass you?

Amy, do not do this.

This is the one good restaurant that we haven't made a scene at.

Does it embarrass you

that I'm drinking this man's wine?

Does it embarrass you that I am eating this woman's manicotti?

Out of the way, everyone!

Embarrassing Fiancee coming through!

Lock up your Dad!

Hey, guys. Come on in.

We have something really exciting to show you.

Oh, god. She framed the damn Lemon.

[piano music playing]

Do you like that? It's Dave and Julia's theme.

I composed it. Is that mom's piano?

Yeah. We got it out of storage.

Leigh's been experimenting with Different sexy poses on it.

I can't say we've nailed down a favorite,

although we're somewhere in the area of lots of cleavage.

So why do you guys get to have the piano?

How come we don't get it?

- Well, Rex plays. - [plays quick tune]

When Rex and I host family holidays,

it'll be so nice and warm

to have Everyone just gathered around the piano.

Well, why does everything have to be here?

- Well, mom... - My Mom.

She and I shared the gift of entertaining.

And we talked about it on her deathbed,

about me carrying on some of her favorite family traditions.

Are you kidding me?

I'm gonna grab a beer. [piano music plays]

♪ ♪

This is a good one.

♪ Duh-duh-duh-duh-Dave ♪

♪ juJU-JU-JU-ju-Julia ♪ - Seriously?

♪ Buh-Dah-dah ♪

Dave, I'm getting steamrolled in there.

Are you gonna let her just take mom's piano?

But you hate the piano.

But this is a lot bigger than the piano.

Leigh does not get to be in charge of this family.

♪ Ahah-ah ♪

it just... it seems like kind of a stupid fight.

Okay. I know it's really fun for you

to be laid-back Dave and passive Dave,

"roll over and take it" Dave. I think "Laidback" says it.

But, honey, we're a couple. You need to have my back.

I always have your back in your stupid fights.

It's a bug in the game.

There's no way to defend against it.

That's why we agreed we weren't gonna use it.

Sorry, dude. The touchdown counts.

- Moron! - Ow!

The touchdown doesn't count. Got it?

- I want to give you that. - Thank you.

Let's do this.

We think this pose is the Winner...

where do you guys stand?

Uh, I think it's a little on the nose, Frankly.

Can you get off the piano, please?

We're gonna have a serious conversation.

Oh, Dave with Attitude.

Where's this gonna go?

Somewhere you might not like.

Now, I'm not going to stand idly by

while you two bully my wife.

What makes you think that you deserve this piano?

Well, Rex and I shared mom's love of Music.

We talked about it quite a bit on her deathbed.

Oh, that too? Boy, that lady went out yappin'.

Hey, that's my mom.

Only Julia, me, and Leigh can talk about her that way.

Where is this coming from, roll-over Dave?

Oh, you mean supportive Dave?

He can say whatever he wants.

Yeah. But this piano thing isn't over yet.

Let's go, honey. Oh, that was awesome.

You haven't seen nothing yet.

Yeah, mail.

This hose is coming with me.

Oh, no. You're "Knitting" Mad.

I can't believe you're ashamed of me.

I'm not ashamed of you, okay?

All right. Here.

Why are you showing me a photo of an old potato?

That is a picture of my father.

- Of his face? - Yes, of his face.

But in all the pictures that I saw, he looks like...

just like me.

It's a genetic aging curse.

It hits all the men in my family.

At 50, everything goes to hell.

I mean, I still can't orient myself... point at the Nose.

That's why I didn't want you to meet him,

because that's what you're gonna be getting in 20 years.

So just say it.

You can never love a monster like that.

Oh, baby, of course I'll always love you.

But the sex will definitely end. What?

Maybe if you seriously stepped up your personality.

What are you talking about? I have a great personality.

Yeah, for a hot guy.

Vance, you're a devastatingly handsome man.

Right.

But if I'm gonna be kissing a face like that,

you're gonna have to get way more SMART or interesting.

It's not like you're that smart or Interesting.

Don't have to be. My Mom's hot.

She is hot.

But I'm good at it, and I can play it.

You don't even have any good reasons

as to why you would want it. I want it.

That's the only reason that I need.

The piano belongs in our house.

I think we made ourselves clear last night.

Julia has been more than reasonable with you guys.

You guys are way out of line.

There is a piano in our living room.

Babe?

- You have to move Faster. - Piano's secure.

Let's go.

Go, go, go. Go! Go!

Aaaaah!

[cackles maliciously]

Reasonable... I support this.

I appreciate that as a relationship skill,

but I don't like the subject matter.

I gave you an extra house key

to be used in case of an emergency.

It was an emergency.

My beloved piano had gone missing.

It needed me. Yeah.

So I guess now there's gonna be some new sexy poses

on top of the piano by YOURS TRULY or Julia.

Did you just take a tone with my wife?

Did she take a tone with mine?

Honey, be reasonable.

This piano is going to be the centerpiece

for all of our events.

And I hate to wallow in the mud, but you...

are a subpar host.

Oh! You like apples? Ouch.

Julia is an excellent hostess, thank you very much.

The things this woman has registered for

and might use someday...

when you throw parties,

you often go to bed in the middle.

Well, that was pre-piano.

This brings out my fun Side.

[plays Hot cross buns aggressively]

♪ HOT CROSS BUNS, hot cross buns ♪

♪ one a penny, two a penny, hot cross buns ♪

it's the only song I learned.

My Birthday's coming up. And I was going to have a party.

And I need a piano.

And I already ordered a decorative skirt

for the bench.

She did. From badgley mischka.

I don't know what that is.

Not what! Who! Do you want a piece of me?

Yeah. You know what? Then maybe Julia

can host your funeral... well.

You want a piano at your party?

That's fine. Then I'll just throw it... here.

- No. - You know what?

I think that's a great idea, actually.

Let's have a party.

Let's throw you a birthday party.

It's gonna be fabulous... great music,

every detail perfect.

You're gonna have the best birthday party

anyone's ever had.

I don't know what game I'm playing.

The way females engage in conflict

is very complex, Dave.

I was watching a science documentary.

If you track their anger with electric nodes,

their whole brain lights up bright green and yellow,

whereas a-a guy's brain is blue with Maybe...

maybe a little bit of red.

That's a really good point.

You guys need anything before I head out?

Yes. Would you ever sleep with this man?

- Lawsuit. - I don't know.

Let's see his face. That is his-ugh.

Fine. I wouldn't sleep with your dad either.

You have a great weekend.

So is Julia definitely hosting Leigh's birthday party?

Yeah. She's killing herself over this thing.

I feel really bad for her.

Her? She's lucky.

She's the only one who doesn't have to go

to one of Julia's crappy Parties.

- Come on, man. - Come on, you, dude.

She is not a good hostess.

She doesn't make you feel welcome.

She can't choose a decent white Wine.

You go into the bathroom, there's no towel.

There's no candle. And try Saying Good-Bye, okay?

"You're going? You're going?"

"Yeah, I'm going. It was awful!"

and there's a lot of anxiety that even leads up to it.

You have no idea.

And I don't know if you've noticed this,

but she sweats a little. A little?

I mean, she looks like Bruce springsteen

during an encore.

But who am I to judge?

Future Vance... god knows what he'll secrete.

This is going to be tough to watch, Dude.

Hey, guys.

Hey, you made it. Perfect timing.

I just opened a bottle of...

s-something Blanc. Whoo!

Yay.

Oh, poor girl.

And these guests... hesitant, awkward.

They don't trust this party.

They know they're not in good hands.

Okay. Who wants fish on crackers?

Do you want to try? What does that even mean?

Is it like a mousse? Fish on crackers!

- Happy birthday, Leigh. - Hi.

Thank you. Hi.

How could you let this happen?

Well, Julia felt it was important

to have the piano,

therefore she will be hosting all future events.

All events? I thought this was a one-night thing.

What about thanksgiving?

What about the anniversary of when Dave and I met?

You always make that feel really meaningful,

but not gay.

Hey, birthday girl.

Are you having fun? Loving it.

Oh, boy. Green and yellow brains, dude.

Nothing to do but stand and nod like the apes we are.

Just call it already. Party time of death... 8:30.

Nope. This party is alive and Well.

It'll be going all night. Don't say that.

Not even as a joke.

I think it's time for mom's piano just to come home.

- Mom's piano is home. - Honey...

you are way out of line, Julia,

and recklessly low on scotch!

Hey, don't yell at my wife, you drunk Ken Doll.

Ugh. What are we doing?

I don't know. We're sniping.

We're peeing on each other's cars.

- Huh? - I miss us.

All right, Nobody's happy.

We have to do something to end this.

You're right. We got to put these women in their place.

- Thank you. Julia. - Leigh, we need to talk.

You want to go upstairs and make out on the coats?

Might as well do it now before I totally shrek out.

You are such a sulky baby.

I was just giving you a hard time.

Of course I still want to be with you.

I don't want pity Sex.

I want to be actually sexy, like this guy.

Well, yeah, we all want to be as sexy as this guy.

Wait. Is he that sexy?

I feel like I want to sit on his lap.

I feel like I'm kind of peacocking around him.

I've identified him as a sexual rival,

yet he's not "Matinee idol" Handsome.

But he is playing a piano.

Hmm.

Sir, do you take requests?

I do.

Would you mind if I held this in front of your face

while you play?

Oh, yeah.

Tickle my ivories, Mr. Potato head.

It's over. I'm sending everyone home.

Why?

This. You are going crazy.

I know we're supposed to be on each other's side.

You know, I have picked a new side.

And that side is Julia has lost her mind.

We need to stop her.

Whatever. I'm not backing down.

All right, Julia, let's cut through the nonsense.

We have as much right to the piano as you do.

- How was the Leigh talk? - Quick and emasculating.

You hate the damn piano. Why are you so hung up on it?

I love Leigh.

But she doesn't get to have everything, okay?

She's the one that had a great relationship with Mom.

She doesn't need to have this too.

Wait. You're jealous of her?

Well, yeah.

Mom rode me my entire life.

And then Leigh shows up, and she walks on water.

I'm with Julia. Mom was the worst.

She's probably staring up from hell right now, the old bi...

come here.

Let me show you something.

Oh, great news, Dave... we're gonna do it when we're old,

and it's not gonna be gross.

I'm gonna be a musician, Dave.

He's gonna be a sexy 60, and it is gonna get tantric.

I mean, old, long, sexy Sex.

It's gonna last for days.

This is a bad party. I hate this party.

All right, I'm just gonna say this once,

and if you repeat it, I'll deny it.

Mom hated Leigh. [scoffs] What?

- You don't believe me? - No.

She was always so nice to Leigh.

I found this when I was going through her things.

It's dated the night before my wedding...

written, never sent.

"Dear Rex, my beautiful, Darling, baby boy."

I don't... yeah, not the point.

Keep going.

"Don't marry this woman"?

"Controlling"? "Pretentious Social climber"?

Whoa.

I know. Mom was a racist.

Y

[chuckles] I guess she had problems with both of us.

I guess mom just didn't appreciate awesome women.

Oh, Rex, thank you.

She also didn't appreciate Dave.

Check out this rant.

Whoa. That's a... [chuckles]

really big one.

- Really mean. - God.

The part about the crumbs on his shirt...

she didn't have to do that.

You want me to have the piano?

Yeah, I do. It belongs with you.

You're the hostess.

And this is something that needs to never, ever happen again.

Oh, thanks, Julia.

And I know that I come on strong sometimes.

It's just that I so badly want to be a part of your family.

Oh, honey, you are.

And, Dave, way to stand up for your woman...

new color on you.

You're turning into quite a husband.

I see a real maturity there.

Why, thank you.

That means a lot coming from the guy that I now realize

is the one who spray-painted a penis on the wall

of my real-estate Office.

I'm really sorry that I ruined your birthday.

Oh, you didn't.

I planned a little something

in case this ended early.

It starts in an hour. Don't be late.

It's a surprise party.

But shh... don't tell me.

I just think we're going out to dinner.

[lively song on piano]

♪ ♪

All: Surprise!

Oh, you got me.

I had no idea.

[all chatter]

Happy birthday!

♪ ♪

[playing The A.B.C.'s]

♪ ♪

Again.

[playing The A.B.C.'s]

♪ ♪

♪ You make my dreams come ♪

- we should harmonize there. - Oh, nice.

Our voices combine in magical synthesis.

It's like Crosby, Stills & Nash, except there's two of us.

Our deep friendship creates the Nash, if you will.

- ♪ Make my dreams Come... ♪ - ♪ dreams come... ♪

BOTH: [off-key] ♪ Dreams come ♪

- sounds off. Both: [off-key] ♪ Dreams come ♪

♪ dreams come, dreams come, dreams come ♪

- you're finding it. Both: [off-key] ♪ Dreams come ♪

♪ dreams come ♪

there it is.

Both: ♪ Dreams come, dreams come ♪

- True! - True!

- You make the dreams come True! - Just say True!

Both: ♪ True, doo-doo-doo-Doo ♪