Original subtitles

["Hark the Herald Angels Sing" harmonica music]

You know, I think I made a pretty good

Ice Cream Man, don't you think?

You did.

But is this in the movie anywhere?

This picture of Clint?

I mean, who is he shushing?

Stop picking it apart.

All right, all right, all right.

No more Ice Cream Man, all right.

Where's my movie?

You know, you're supposed to gift me a movie right now.

- You know what it is. - I do know what it is.

So why aren't you cosplaying Claudia Jennings?

The cosplay is at the second break.

Okay, Playboy Playmate of the Year 1970.

I've always thought, if they ever remake Gator Bait,

you should have the Claudia Jennings part.

Oh, you think the movie's Gator Bait?

I know the movie is Gator Bait.

I love me some Gator Bait. It's the perfect Christmas gift.

But do you agree?

You were probably rambunctious athletic barefoot

girl in South Carolina.

You could be the wildcat gator poacher in the swamp

who lures men to their deaths.

Wow, you really do love Gator Bait.

I've never heard you talk about the movie before the rant.

Could you stand up in a racing speedboat and fire

a rifle while steering your boat with your foot,

with your barefoot?

Hell yeah, I can.

All right, well, see what I mean?

And they have a lotta swamps in South Carolina.

You have swamps, have you not?

I've gotten a little swampy, yeah.

All right.

Perfect for channeling Claudia Jennings,

which I hope you're gonna do later,

but yeah, what I wanted to tell you is,

I already have my New Year's resolution.

We did the New Year's movie at Halloween, Terror Train.

I know, but since we never get to do a New Year's show,

I wanted to tell you this on the Christmas show.

[Darcy] Okay.

I need to get into better shape next year,

so I was thinking I might go out

for this sport called triathlon.

Mm, that's a tough sport.

I know. I got inspired by the Olympics, though.

Because you know how this sport works?

Not really [chuckles].

Well, first you swim 37 miles through icy,

shark-infested water in nine-foot waves wearing one

of those Monty Butock wetsuits

normally seen only in James Bond movies.

[Darcy] Okay.

But that's just the warmup.

After you round the buoy, and you land back on shore,

you take off running, you jump on one of those

20-speed Italian bicycles with the wheels

that look like dental floss and you pedal

for 274 miles through quaint villages in the Swiss Alps,

and all the time you're doing this, you chug Evian

yupster water out of a special Evian yupster

water holder device attached to your bike.

I don't think you're really gonna do this.

Then, after you've cycled across the slopes

of the Jungfrau, you jump off the bike and you do

a little 59-mile sprint to the finish line.

And the first one to get outta surgery wins.

You're kidding.

Yes, of course, I'm kidding! Who started this sport?

Where is he?

Isn't it time to scissor off this guy's hamstrings

or something, before he carries some automatic weapons

up into the Empire State Building

and starts hyperventilating?

You know, all the guys that do this sport,

they look like a 70-year-old Bruce Dern.

This is so far beyond jockdom

that we need a special word for it.

It's not aerobics, it's not cybernetics,

it's not dianetics.

Psycho sports, that's the word for it!

It's the same principle as those guys who lift weights

for so long they look they have muscles

on the outside of their skin.

You know, the ones that always look like somebody

just painted some linguine with tomato sauce

on their stomach, so you see these guys and you think,

what if this the day he does one too many bench presses

and the whole thing just pops open like a water balloon?

So these psycho sports triple reverse triathlon guys

or whatever you call it, they're the same way.

They got these giant veins in their foreheads

from pumping their arms and bugging out their eyes

while wearing their supercool California goggles,

and when they fall down on the ground at the end

of the race, grabbing their sides like maybe they're having

3,000 appendicitis attacks at once, they're happy!

They're looking at one another like,

mine hurts worse than yours.

Does not, mine hurts worse.

Well, my feet are bloody, nya, nya, nya.

So what, I popped my shoulder out

of its socket three times.

I lost all feeling in both thighs.

And then, after they've compared notes like this

for a little while, they say, isn't this fun?

I'm not really that serious about it.

I just do it to keep in shape.

[crew laughing]

Yeah, me too. Love your purple leotard.

You know, thanks. You know, I need to wind down.

Let's do some Icelandic snowshoe jogging.

Great, you know, isn't there some way

to just execute these people all at once.

That is not very Christmasy.

No, it's not, but do you who know is

very Christmasy every day of the year?

Felissa Rose!

Hi, Felissa.

Hi, Darcy. Hi, Joe Bob.

All right, Felissa, you know, we haven't been talking

to you because you been working so hard on the phones,

but we're gonna need your expertise later.

We're gonna need your expertise in this movie.

Well I am ready to serve.

All right, and we know what your expertise is.

And because we are about to show

the five-star classic Gator Bait.

Wait a minute.

Here's your Christmas gift. It's Gator Bait.

But I thought you only gave out four stars.

Some movies are special, Darcy.

And because we're about show one of the greatest redneck

movies ever made, our charity for the next hour

is the National Greyhound Foundation.

Why them?

Because Ferd and Beverly Sebastian, the producer-directors

of Gator Bait, the only husband-wife directing team

I know of in film.

You gotta lotta sibling director teams,

like the Coen brothers, and the Soska sisters,

but I don't know of any other married couples that do this.

But because it's a Ferd and Beverly Sebastian film,

we're channeling all the proceeds from this hour

to the charity founded by Beverly Sebastian

after she retired from filmmaking.

In the early '90s, she was planning to write a movie

about greyhound racing.

She's the screenwriter on Gator Bait, by the way.

I'll talk about that later.

But she was doing research for this movie about greyhounds,

and she found all these abused animals

living in horrible conditions.

When greyhounds are too old or too injured to race anymore,

they're just kind of abandoned.

And she adopted one of them, and then she couldn't stand

seeing the others living in these kinda kennel prisons

that they put them in, and so she went down to Bradenton,

Florida, and not knowing what she was gonna do with them,

she adopted 50 retired greyhounds from a kennel there,

and then the next day she adopted 300 more of them

in Orlando to save them from certain death.

Meanwhile, the animal rights people

are protesting against her.

They're saying what she's doing is irresponsible.

Course she wasn't planning to keep all those dogs,

but she went on TV and radio and she placed

every single one of those dogs with an owner.

And that was the beginning

of the National Greyhound Foundation

and that is more than 25 years ago that she did that.

She's saved literally thousands of dogs since then.

Can I just go ahead and talk about this

while we're on the subject?

Can I spend a minute on this before we do the movie?

My God, you know me.

Talk about animal rescues all night.

All right, so she also started these programs in prisons

where the greyhound is assigned to a prisoner

who is taught how to train the dog.

Because prisoners, they have nothing but time on their hands

so they're often excellent trainers.

And it's called the Second Chance program.

And Second Chance has two meanings, because many

of the prisoners have never experienced unconditional love,

which is what you get from a dog.

And none of these racing dogs have experienced

unconditional love, and so it's prisoner and dog

getting a second chance at life.

Very successful program, she does it all over the country.

She even trains greyhounds to be guide dogs

for the ex-military who return home

with severe post-traumatic stress disorder.

That's called her Purple Heart program.

So anyway, she did this single-handedly.

So we're gonna support the continuation of the work

of the National Greyhound Foundation tonight

as we watch Gator Bait.

Oh my gosh, I love that story.

She acted on faith.

Said she could figure it out, and she figured it out.

So Ferd and Beverly Sebastian are among my favorite

filmmakers ever, they made independent movies from the '60s

into the '70s, '80s, '90s.

Gator Bait is probably the best known one.

Before we get into it, let me remind you,

there are two ways you can give tonight.

You can by our Last Drive-In tote bag, shirt and hoodie

at the price levels of 50, 100 and 150 bucks.

In other words, for 150 bucks, you get all three.

Here's the hoodie.

And the money goes to the dogs.

Or you can put a bid in on our auction items,

which we showcase at the end of each segment.

And, um, that's it. Are you ready to Gator?

I'm ready.

But I think I should do the drive-in totals,

because it's my gift to you.

Uh, I can't let you do the drive-in totals on Gator Bait.

Aw.

I have to be selfish right now,

but you'll make me very happy with the cosplay.

You know, but it was actually the Gator Bait poster

of Claudia Jennings in those cut-off jeans

that probably did more to sell the movie

than any other single asset.

No doubt about that.

Gator Bait is the sensitive story of a sexy wild woman

in the Louisiana swamp who poaches alligators

for a living, but she gets framed for a murder and one

of her family members ends up brutally killed

by vicious in-breds, so she has to take her revenge.

This is like a feminist, redneck Death Wish,

if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Great acting, great cinematography.

Filmed in the same location used

in the Legend of Boggy Creek, Caddo Lake

on the Texas-Louisiana border.

This is one of the great achievements of '70s exploitation

during the era when movies set in the South

were all the rage, so let's rack up those drive-in

totals and get started.

We have six dead bodies, 12 breasts,

three motor vehicle chases, one swamp boat explosion,

one Cajun shack inferno, one excellent swamp fistfight,

with drowning, one swamp foot chase,

tree trunk boat jumping, bullet to the forehead,

banjo-twang foreshadowing, pontoon boat slicing,

hog-sty chase with horse-whipped incestuous redneck,

snake wrangling, gator roping, gratuitous armadillo chase,

barefoot Kung Fu, rifle fu, creepy harmonica fu,

Spanish moss fu, cottonmouth fu, incest fu,

bullwhip fu, lizard fu, shotgun fu.

Sharp-stick booby-trap fu.

Drive-in Academy Award nominations for

Claudia Jennings, the '70s drive-in queen,

as the wildcat Cajun girl,

Clyde Ventura as Billy Boy, the shiftless deputy

for saying she either screws us or she gets behind bars.

Bill Thurman as Sheriff Joe Bob for saying, dammit,

Billy Boy, how many times have I told you

to leave that Cajun alone.

The only way you get them swamp rats out is dead.

Sam Gilman as T.J. Bracken, the two-fisted family patriarch

for saying, we don't leave my boy for no gators.

Don Baldwin as Pete, for saying, I been waiting a long time

for something pretty as that.

I found her first, so I'm going first.

Douglas Dirkson as Leroy for saying,

you gonna tell me where that bitch sister of yours is?

Janit Baldwin as Desiree's little sister

who goes full frontal.

Tracy Sebastian as the mute brother.

Ferd Sebastian for co-directing and writing the music

and for some of the best handheld

camera work ever achieved by a cinematographer

with a single assistant using a 35-millimeter AirFlex

standing hip deep in swamp water

for most of that 10-day shoot.

Beverly Sebastian for co-directing and for the script,

for telling her story the Drive-in Way.

Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

Our next Christmas auction item is a pair of Santa Claus

bolo ties worn by Joe Bob Briggs myself

on previous Christmas shows.

One is a traditional ho ho ho Santa

appearing through a wreath.

And the other is a Santa on a beach vacation

wearing shorts and sunglasses.

Bidding on this two-bolo set begins at $50.

I'm surprised you would give away your bolo ties.

You know it's always the first thing everybody suggests,

but, um, I always say I don't really know anybody

except me who even wears bolo ties,

so what's the point of giving them away?

I just know that you love your bolos.

Well yeah, because I hate traditional men's ties,

and if you wear bolos, you can go into a place

where they require ties, but it's cooler,

and it's more comfortable.

Ah, is that why you do it?

Well I do it because I like them, I genuinely like them.

And I like the Native American artists who design

the best ones, but actually in Arizona and New Mexico

and Texas, where they require public officials to wear ties

in places like the state Capitol and the legislative chamber

arguing before the Supreme Court, you can wear a bolo tie.

That qualifies.

I would not try it at the U.S. Supreme Court.

They are very picky there.

I did an article there one time.

I had to pound on the door of Brooks Brothers at eight

in the morning in Washington, D.C., to get them

to open up and sell me a regular tie.

But in civilized public spaces, the bolo is accepted.

So go to the Montana Supreme Court, no problem.

Too much information.

You cannot have too much information about bolo ties.

I think you can.

It's the official state neckwear of Arizona.

They voted on it.

It's just about enough, Joe Bob.

[crew laughing]

- Okay. - Thank you.

Christmas is a Miracle.

And, so are you.

[bells ringing softly]

[banjo music]

[birds calling]

[banjo music]

[upbeat banjo music]

♪ Desiree

♪ Darling, you're sweet candy

♪ Talk to me

♪ My darling, talk to me

♪ I want you, I need you to be my someone ♪

♪ And I wait for you in South Louisiana ♪

[Ben] Let's go. She aint coming.

She'll be here. Found her snares yesterday.

[banjo music]

You want the prize?

It's cold out here, Billy.

Give me that.

Do it before it's too late.

If you look back, you might soon be

heading in the wrong direction [laughs].

I'm going home. She ain't coming.

She'll be here.

[banjo music]

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Oh ho ho

♪ Ah ha ha

[singing in foreign language]

[banjo music]

[Ben] I'm going home. She aint worth freezing for.

Come on, Ben, stay, huh?

She's worth it.

Let me drive?

What?

Let me drive the boat.

[banjo music]

You'll wait with me?

If you let me drive.

Okay, you got a deal.

[banjo music]

♪ Oh, sweet Cajun

♪ Tell me that you love me only ♪

♪ Let me build you a small shack in South Louisian ♪

♪ And I'll never let you stray from me ♪

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Oh, ho ho

♪ Ah, ha ha

[singing in foreign language]

Sh!

There she is.

Boy, that is some piece, aint it?

I told you she'd be worth waiting for.

How we gonna get her to lay down out here

and screw us in the middle of the swamp?

She aint go no choice.

She either screws us, or she gets behind bars.

Putting a wildcat like that behind bars is bad.

Leroy tried to get him a piece of her,

and you know what she did, she cut his balls off.

That's 'cause your brother's stupid.

We aint stupid.

[laughing]

[birds singing]

She got it now.

Hey, coon-ass.

We caught you. We done caught you, red-handed!

[engine starting]

[laughing]

Come on, start that boat!

[laughing]

Sheriff maybe'll kill me!

[upbeat chase music]

[laughing]

Go faster!

Don't lose her. You're losing her, Ben.

[laughing]

Woo-hoo.

Hey, to the right, come on.

Hoo-wee. Woo-hoo.

[upbeat chase music]

Hoo-wee.

[upbeat chase music]

Come on, Ben, get her ass!

[upbeat chase music]

Hey, watch out, you're gonna drown me.

Hey, coon-ass!

[upbeat chase music]

Hey, Desiree, pull over in the name of the law,

and drop your britches.

[upbeat chase music]

Get closer, I'm gonna grab me a piece of that right now.

[upbeat chase music]

Hoo-wee, Desiree, you wanna fight, eh?

[Ben] What is that, Billy?

I don't know, but it sounds good.

[laughing]

[upbeat chase music]

We caught you poaching that gator, Cajun.

You got a choice.

Either jail, or us.

[upbeat chase music]

Woo.

Hey, poon tang, we gonna give you a free ride.

Hey, hey, hey, Cajun.

Come on, Ben.

Watch it, Ben.

Watch that tree.

You gonna smack my Daddy's boat and kill me.

Come on, woo.

[gentle music]

Turned into a blind slew, Ben. We got her now [laughs].

We got her trapped now, Ben.

Hey, coon-ass, we caught you. We caught you poaching.

Yee-haw.

[gun firing]

[panicking]

[Ben] Do something, Billy, do something!

[gun firing]

[gun firing]

[gun firing]

[gun firing]

Pa!

Pa!

Pa!

It's murder, Pa, murder. Just plain murder.

What are you talking about, Billy Boy?

That Cajun wildcat, Pa. She did it.

She killed Ben Bracken.

Ben Bracken? Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure, Pa.

Me and Ben, we was riding around in your new boat,

just like you told me, just riding around looking around,

and we caught her, poaching gators.

Dammit, Billy Boy, how many times have I told you

to leave that Cajun alone?

Her daddy and her daddy's daddy has been hunting

these gators in these swamps for 100 years.

And me or no newfangled law is gonna change that.

Now it's murder!

I've gotta go in and drag that wildcat out,

and the only way you can get those swamp rats out is dead!

I'm sorry, Pa. Me and Ben didn't mean nothing.

Well you tell that to them there Brackens.

There's gonna be hell to pay.

Did you bring young Ben's body out?

No, Pa. I couldn't.

She blowed his head clean off.

Besides, she sank your boat.

Holy, Jesus! She sank my boat too?

I just paid $3,000 for that boat!

Wait till I get my hands on that girl.

Why, she's ornerier than her old man!

Come on, let's go tell them Brackens.

Best to get this thing over with.

Somebody's gonna get killed.

You reckon we better get some more men

to back us up, Pa?

Hell no, she's only one girl.

Best to keep this thing quiet. No use upsetting everybody.

What do you reckon them Brackens gonna do, Pa?

I don't know, T.J.'s a mean old bastard,

and Pete and Leroy I think are just sick in the head.

[gentle music]

- Loralee? - Yeah?

Where's Leroy?

I don't know.

[banjo music]

You sure look fine sliding around in that thing.

Feels good too.

Stop, this is store-bought.

Why don't you give me a little?

[shrieking]

[banjo music]

[groaning]

[shrieking]

[whip lashing]

Pete Bracken, I oughta kill you, you horny bastard.

That there's your sister!

What the hell you trying to do?

Get her knocked up with some dimwit kid

that'll turn out like you?

[whip lashing]

You horny bastard.

[Loralee] Oh, Pa, Pa.

Pa.

[whip lashing]

[crying]

[whip lashing]

[gentle music]

[shouting]

Pa! Pa!

Pa! Pa!

What the hell you trying to do, kill him?

You better come up to the house quick.

The sheriff and his son's coming.

Shit.

Loralee?

Yeah, Pa?

Get yourself dressed and get supper on the table.

We got company. You hear?

Okay, Pa.

Git!

I'll do all the talking. You hear, Billy Boy?

Come on.

[spitting]

Howdy, Sheriff, Billy Boy.

T.J.

What y'all doing around these parts?

You hunting for somebody?

Well you might say that, T.J.

Me and Billy Boy are going in the swamps

and bring out the Thibodeau girl.

By yourself?

You're gonna have your hands full.

That swamp aint no place for nobody

to go in by hisself.

Nobody even knows where them Thibodeaus live

except me, and I aint for sure.

So long since I been there.

Must be something mighty bad make you wanna go

all the way back there for some gal.

I admit she's pretty as her ma,

but, man, coon-ass comes a whole lot easier than that.

[laughing]

Something bad all right.

Y'all stay for supper.

Sure, T.J.

T.J.?

I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.

It's young Ben, he's dead.

I'm sorry, T.J.

Oh no, not Ben.

He's my baby.

[harmonica music]

Damn!

Who did it?

Easy, T.J.

It was Desiree Thibodeau.

Billy Boy and Ben caught her poaching them gators

and the silly fools tried to stop her.

She shot Ben! She sank Pa's boat too.

Now you see there, Sheriff, she done it this time!

First me, now Ben.

Where is he?

He's in the swamps, Mr. Bracken.

I tried, I tried to find him. I looked all over for him.

Hell, I couldn't find him.

You're gonna look again.

You're gonna look again and again, and again.

I aint gonna leave my boy for no gators.

[soft harmonica music]

[Joe Bob] Aint no use looking around here no more.

[Billy Boy] We already been through here twice.

[soft harmonica music]

[Joe Bob] I believe Billy Boy's right.

I believe the swamp has got him.

[Billy Boy] Yeah, the swamp's got him, Mr. Bracken.

I looked. I looked really good, I been all over here.

You didn't look good enough, boy.

We gotta find him.

[Billy Boy] Mr. Bracken, I been through all

these swamps here before.

[soft music]

[T.J.] Why didn't you put her away

when I told you to, Sheriff?

[Joe Bob] Well, T.J., she aint done nothing

to be put away for, except poaching these gators.

I'm not gonna put her away for something like that.

[T.J.] Aint none of that family any good.

Gal is a bitch, just like her ma was.

What about what they did to Leroy?

[Joe Bob] Now hold on, T.J. That was Leroy's doings.

He was told to stay away from that gal.

A plain case of rape, as far as I'm concerned,

her being a young'un and all.

Besides, I'd have had to put in jail too

till it come to court, and I told you so.

[soft music]

[water sloshing]

[Billy Boy] Aint nothing here, Mr. Bracken.

[T.J.] We gotta keep looking.

[Joe Bob] T.J., we been all over these banks

half a dozen times now.

Why don't we try over there?

[crickets chirping]

Ben!

Aw, Ben!

Benny.

Benny [cries].

[Leroy] Pa!

[crying]

I'm sorry, T.J.

Sorry?

I'm going in after that goddam coon-ass bitch.

[dramatic music] - We'll all go in after her.

After all, I'm still law hereabouts, T.J.

Bullshit.

[crying]

[Billy Boy] It was Desiree, Mr. Bracken. It was her.

I bet she's out there with that brother

and sister of hers right now, laughing at us.

Right off the bat, we are deep, deep, deep

into the dark secrets of the Southern Louisiana

swamps, aren't we?

And what an entrance for Claudia Jennings,

gliding through the swamps like she's one of the animals.

So at ease that she can hogtie gators, grab snakes

outta the water with her bare hands and handle that boat

like it's a waterborne skateboard.

The poor doofus who gets shot in the forehead

by Billy Boy, that's Ben Sebastian,

the eldest son of Ferd and Beverly Sebastian.

Because making movies was pretty much

the Sebastian family business.

Still is today.

Ben runs the distribution company

that the Sebastians still own.

Ferdinand and Beverly Sebastian are both from Houston.

They met at a roller rink, and 10 days later

they ran off together and got married.

Now, you can imagine what their families thought.

You know, you don't pick up somebody at the roller rink

and run off and get married, recipe for disaster.

Well, they've now been married 68 years,

so nobody says that anymore to them.

What's interesting about them as filmmakers

is that they always directed together, produced together.

Beverly did the writing, Ferd ran the camera,

and the first three movies they made,

they were the whole crew, just the two of them.

They started out as photographers.

Then they had a business making TV commercials,

and they used that money to start financing feature films.

And when it came time to make Gator Bait,

they'd already made five films.

They made I Need a Man in 1967,

the story of a schizophrenic nymphomaniac.

Yes, that's what I said.

[crew laughing]

The Love Clinic in 1969, romantic comedy

about a female urologist and a male obstetrician

who open clinics in the same building.

Yes, that's what I said.

Marital Fulfillment, also in 1970, one of those how-to

sex films from the early days of soft porn.

The industry name for those was a white coater.

Because there was always a sex expert in a white coat

standing in front of a blackboard or an easel

explaining the anatomy of the female body.

And those scenes would be interspersed with nude scenes.

Every time they released a film, they would plow

the money back into their business,

so their budgets started at $15,000

but kept getting bigger.

So by the early '70s, they're living in LA,

they're scrounging around the indie film world

trying to break through, and Ferd manages to get

a meeting with Walt Disney.

Walt Disney always ate lunch at his desk.

He just brought a brown bag to work with him.

So he told Ferd, okay, I'll meet with you.

Come to my office, and I'll talk to you over lunch.

So Ferd tells Disney all the things he's planning to do,

and Walt says, well, you can't do that,

you shouldn't do that, you're too young and new

to do that, you're too green.

And he finally says, look, Ferd,

make movies with sex, violence and action.

All successful movies have sex, violence and action.

And Ferd says, that is strange coming from you, Walt.

You don't make movies like that.

And Walt says, watch Bambi.

All the animals are in love, it's full of violence

and every sequence is motivated by dramatic action.

Twitterpation, remember that in the movie,

that means sex, so Ferd and Beverly took that advice

to heart and all the rest of their movies

had sex, violence and action.

Beverly's next script after the meeting with Walt Disney

was The Hitchhiker, starring Misty Rowe,

who most people remember as the hot girl on Hee Haw.

But that was a movie about a gang of girls who stand

by the roadside in miniskirts so they can lure men

and then rob them, early Aileen Warnos.

She followed that up with The Single Girls,

which was about a bunch of swingers at a Caribbean resort,

they were stalked by a killer.

And that's when they met Claudia Jennings,

who was a very popular Playboy Playmate,

and she became their best friend.

Am I talking too much about Gator Bait?

You're not actually talking about Gator Bait.

[Joe Bob] Well that's true.

But it's your Christmas present, so go ahead.

Okay, so the way Gator Bait happened is Ferd and Beverly

became friends with Claudia Jennings while working

on The Single Girls, and Claudia asked Beverly

if she could write a movie for her where she doesn't

have to talk too much, and Beverly goes, sure thing.

And she remembers from the time Ferd was serving

in the Coast Guard, they were stationed

in Southern Louisiana, and she met a bunch of Cajuns.

And so she decided to write this story about Cajun culture,

starring Claudia Jennings as a Cajun girl

who doesn't talk much.

And the three of them, Ferd, Beverly and Claudia,

got into a motor home and drove from LA to Louisiana.

Also in that motor home were their two young sons,

a dog and a pregnant cat.

[crew laughing]

Speaking of which, John Brennan,

are we saving those greyhounds?

Oh, yeah, we're saving them faster

than a greyhound chasing a jackrabbit.

All right, and Felissa, did you notice the part

where they say that the character of Leroy

tried to rape Desiree and she cut his balls off?

Yes, I heard every detail.

Okay, well, sometimes people watch this movie

and they hear cut his balls off, and they think

she insulted him or something, but she cut his balls off!

That's not really my department.

I know, but it's related to your department,

so I wanted to ask you about that later.

[Felissa] I'm ready!

Okay.

[crew laughing]

Darcy, I'm talking too much.

No, really?

So tell them about the tote bags.

You tell them about the tote bags.

Me?

Then we'll go to the movie, yeah.

All right, you can buy a Last Drive-in tote bag

for $50 to help our four charities tonight.

For $100, you get the tote bag and the shirt.

And for 150, you get the tote bag, the shirt and the hoodie.

Same picture.

All right, and isn't it your turn

to auction something off, too?

It is.

Okay, go ahead.

Our next auction item is, my fantasy husband.

This is the actual standee used in the segment

of The Love Witch when I married Tom Atkins

at a Renaissance Faire.

If you request it, I'll autograph it

and put my lipstick kiss mark on Tom's cheek.

So will Joe Bob.

Bidding on this item starts at $100.

Darcy, that is fetishy as hell.

I know, right.

That's almost like selling your underwear.

Did you ever sell your underwear?

For charity.

You did, okay. I was just asking.

That Tom Atkins standee looks a little beat-up.

[crew laughing]

You didn't do anything with it, did you?

What do you mean?

Nothing.

[laughing]

Not a thing. Just noticed a few creases in the cardboard.

Don't worry about that.

All right, I'm feeling, you know, Gator Bait,

it's putting me in a Christmas spirit, so ...

John, go ahead.

John, just go ahead, John Brennan.

♪ Christmas is a miracle, and so are you ♪

Aw.

Yay.

Christmas.

[bells ringing softly]

[engine racing]

[engine approaching]

Desiree.

[engine racing]

Careful.

How you be?

You didn't do well, no?

No good. Almost got caught today.

Ben Bracken and sheriff's boy.

Here.

For now, I'm gonna stay away from swamps.

Okay, for now.

Come on.

Come on, we'll catch a little dinner, huh?

Aint no one knows for sure where they are

except the coonies.

They don't talk to nobody.

[Pete] I wonder if she's got a man out there.

Don't you ever think of nothing else?

Oooh!

[Pete] What the hell you laughing about?

You can't do nothing but think about it.

Shut your mouth, pecker head.

Unless you want me to shut it for you.

Leroy, Pete, get your asses in the boat!

[birds singing]

[engine starting]

[upbeat music]

♪ Born in the swamps of Louisian ♪

♪ Made her living like a man

♪ Desiree

♪ Laughter was just a game

♪ Played by rude gentlemain

♪ Desiree

♪ Catch a rainbow skipping by

♪ Kiss the sun, embrace the sky ♪

♪ Desiree

[upbeat music]

[T.J.] Come on, Leroy.

See if we can find out from these coonies

where that gal moved.

[Leroy] They aint gonna tell you nothing, Pa.

[T.J.] Well hell, it won't hurt to ask.

[soft mysterious music]

[T.J.] Pete, Billy Boy, y'all stay with the boat.

[Billy Boy] Hell, Pete can handle it.

I always get left outta the action.

[upbeat music]

♪ Born in the swamps of Louisian ♪

♪ Made her living like a man

♪ Desiree

♪ Laughter was just a game

♪ Played by rude gentlemen

♪ Desiree

♪ Then one day her life was still ♪

♪ Stolen gun and blood was spilled ♪

♪ Desiree

[upbeat music]

♪ Trouble moving through the swamp ♪

♪ Trouble that you just can't stop ♪

♪ Desiree

[upbeat music]

♪ Catch a rainbow skipping by

♪ Kiss the sun, embrace the sky, Desiree ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ Killer, killer was the cry

♪ Five other men set out to try ♪

♪ Desiree

♪ Trouble moving through the swamp ♪

♪ Trouble that you just can't stop ♪

♪ Desiree

♪ Catch a rainbow slipping by

♪ Kiss the sun, embrace the sky, Desiree ♪

There's glades over there.

Might as well bed down for the night.

No use looking for that coonie in the dark.

- Hey, Pa? - Yeah.

[Leroy] You reckon we ever gonna find that place?

[T.J.] We're gonna find it.

Just keep looking. It's around here somewhere.

[Julie] How long will you be?

Two, maybe three day.

This time I go deep into swamp.

Maybe I get better luck.

No, you stay here with your sister.

You take care of Julie now, huh?

You be a good boy.

[birds calling]

[engine starting]

Good luck to you.

Let's get some wood.

[bird calling]

[T.J.] Where you going, Pete?

[Pete] I'm just gonna go take a crap, Pa.

[T.J.] You stay here before you get

yourself lost in the swamps, you hear?

[Pete] I aint gonna get lost. I growed up in these swamps.

[T.J.] You do as I tell you.

I don't want the same thing to happen

to you that happened to Ben.

[Pete] All right, Pa.

[water lapping]

[birds chirping]

[insect buzzing]

[Julie humming and singing]

[singing continues]

Pa! Pa!

Pa!

[humming and singing]

Pa, that's it. That's it right there.

[T.J.] That's it all right. Reckon that bitch is inside.

Ooh wee. I told you she was pretty.

I'm gonna get me a piece of that.

Sheriff, pull along here.

[Julie singing]

Tell you what we're gonna do.

Sheriff, you and Billy Boy pull along that way.

Me and Leroy'll go around this way.

- Pete? - Yeah, Pa?

Get in with the sheriff and Billy Boy.

Okay, Pa.

All real quiet now, real quiet.

[water lapping]

[birds singing]

[Julie humming and singing]

[humming and singing continues]

[birds singing]

[twig snapping]

Who y'all be?

[men laughing]

Ow!

You gonna pay for it, bitch!

[shrieking]

All right, drop her, boys.

Plenty of time for that later on.

Where's your sister?

I asked you a question!

[men laughing]

Morning, coon-ass.

Get up.

Where's your sister?

[Leroy laughing]

Hey, Pa, look what we got here.

Easy, boy.

Where's your sister, huh? Where's your sister?

What's the matter, coon? Cat got your tongue?

You're gonna answer me, you coonie bastard,

or I'm gonna feed you to the gators.

Now where is she?

Stop! He got no tongue.

[water lapping]

Let him go, Leroy.

We'll wait.

She'll be back.

I been waiting for something like you

for a long time, little girl.

Pete, get your ass down the boat.

You, get in and make some supper.

Leroy, go in and watch her. Get in there.

Now, Pa?

Right now. Come on, you coon-ass, get in there.

Come on, Billy Boy.

[Joe Bob] Go on with him, Billy Boy.

[birds singing]

Hurry up, Billy Boy.

I'm hurrying.

Boy, I tell you what.

Pa aint gonna keep me from getting that little girl.

I been waiting a long time

for something as pretty as that.

Yeah, well, not if I get to her first.

First?

Now look, I found her first, so I'm going first.

All right, I'll take second.

[utensil scraping]

[birds singing]

[whimpering]

[Leroy] You sure are a pretty little thing.

Yeah.

[Julie whimpering]

No, no you don't, you little bastard.

Come back here.

I want you to keep a tight rein on them boys.

I don't want no accidents to happen.

We know all about accidents, don't we, Sheriff?

That's not the point.

Let's go.

Come on, Joe Bob, bring the boy

and let's look around, see if we can find

any trace of that bitch.

[Julie screaming]

Don't you ever try that again.

[screaming]

Sh!

[whimpering]

Now you gonna tell me where that bitch sister of yours is?

[crying]

You gonna tell me where that bitch sister of yours is?

Tell me.

You tell me and I won't hurt you at all.

Sh.

Sh.

[whimpering]

Now, now don't make a sound.

Now.

Now.

[crying]

You gonna tell me where that sister of yours is, huh?

Hey, big brother.

What you up to?

How'd you get her in such a huff?

[soft music]

[laughing]

Where you going, little coonie, huh? Where you going?

[Julie screaming]

Huh, come here.

[laughing]

[Julie screaming]

[laughing]

Whoa, whoa whoa. She's a wildcat, Pete [laughs].

[Julie screaming]

[Julie screaming]

You gonna stop them, T.J.?

Aint no business of mine. Boys'll be boys.

Besides, they aint gonna do nothing

she wouldn't want them to do.

Boy, you wanna get yourself killed?

She's gonna be all right.

Now!

Got ya.

[soft dramatic music]

Get outta here, boy, before you get yourself killed.

[banjo music]

Weren't no use keeping the boy.

Besides, he'll bring that sister of his back.

[dramatic music]

You a wildcat, aren't you [laughs]?

[Julie screaming]

[Pete] Kinda like a snake.

Save some for me.

Plenty enough for everybody.

[suspenseful music]

Leroy, would you hold that for me?

We got us a wildcat.

Come on over here. Show you how a man does it.

[dramatic music]

Stop!

[gun firing]

[coughing]

[birds calling]

That man enough for you?

[Christmas music]

And so this movie just got really grim really fast,

with the castrated Leroy using his gun as a dick.

Once you see that scene, you don't really care

what happens to Leroy or any of the rest

of them, for that matter.

That one scene is the equivalent of four rapes

in I Spit On Your Grave,

which is the movie this one is often compared to.

This script is a lot better than I Spit on Your Grave,

but the sentiment is the same.

And where did Darcy go, by the way?

[Austin] She's getting into her cosplay.

Oh hell yes, she is.

You know, oh yeah.

Half animal, all woman [laughs].

Claudia Jennings cosplay.

The actor who plays Leroy, the creepy one with the knife,

that's Douglas Dirkson, who grew up

in a small town in Montana.

But when he first showed up for the audition,

Beverly Sebastian told him, you look like a preacher

or an English professor.

I don't think you could scare anybody.

You certainly don't scare me, and so he said,

give me just a minute, and he walked away

and he came back with a ruler pretending it was a knife,

and his eyes got wild and he walked up close to Beverly

and she said she was terrified.

So she turned to Ferd and she said, he's perfect.

He would go on to do a lot of episodic TV.

He did Eye of the Tiger in 1986 with Gary Bussey.

He was in Footloose, but this was the very beginning

of his character career.

He'd only had two other roles before this one.

His daddy, T.J., on the other hand, the family patriarch

with the bullwhip, that's played by veteran

character actor Sam Gilman,

close friends with Marlon Brando.

In a lotta movies with Brando.

Here's an interesting little factoid about him.

He graduated from the Pratt Institute,

which anybody in New York City can tell you is one

of the finest art schools in the country,

and in the late 1930s, the golden age of comic books,

he was an illustrator and an inker on a lotta

the lesser known comics, like Vapo Man, Iron Skull,

Masked Marvel, but here's the factoid.

He was a penciler on Marvel Comics Number One in 1939.

He quit the comics biz to join the Army in World War Two.

He was a sergeant in the camouflage corps.

This was in the days when they were

still developing different types of camo

for different combat situations.

Anyway, after the war, he went back to New York,

became an actor, did a lotta live TV, Playhouse 90,

Lux Video Theater, worked on the Broadway stage a lot.

Some people might remember him from Missouri Breaks

and Macon County Line, a great actor.

He was in The Wild Ones with Brando, One-Eyed Jacks,

the one Brando directed.

And when I say he was a close friend, Marlon Brando,

Wally Cox and Sam Gilman were such good friends

that some of their ashes are sprinkled

together in Death Valley.

All right, what else can I ...

What?

Hello.

What the hell, Darcy?

Gator Bait cosplay.

Uh.

Well, Merry Christmas to me.

Aw, you don't like it?

It's great.

[chuckling]

Photo perfect, just like the gator in the movie.

Thank you.

You know what? Let's just go to Felissa Rose.

I have to ask you, Felissa, as our resident

expert on the male member.

Yes.

Is it true that a gun is an extension of a man's penis?

In the case of the character in this movie, absolutely.

We really shouldn't be showing this movie

on Christmas, should we?

Oh, come on, there's no wrong season

for discussing the male member.

[crew laughing]

Would you say this movie is feminist, Felissa,

because Claudia Jennings keeps breaking guns and penises?

Very definitely. It's heartbreaking.

What's heartbreaking?

Penis destruction.

Well, but not after what Leroy did.

True.

See, even the gator agrees with you, Felissa.

All the men in this movie are awful.

Am I getting character evaluations from an alligator now?

Yes, you are.

[Joe Bob] All right. Her mute brother is not awful.

True.

That's the other Sebastian son, by the way.

That's Tracy Sebastian.

I think we need to get back to the movie.

They kept the gators that they used in the movie

in the swimming pool of the abandoned hotel

they were living in at the swamp.

And they kept the snakes in the shower.

And Ferd had advice for filmmakers.

He says, never tie a burlap sack full of snakes with a rope,

because they can get out.

Always tie the actual sack into a knot.

I guess they had some accidents on the set,

so, a lotta symbolism at work here, Felissa,

because a snake can also be a symbol of the male member,

and the snakes like Desiree.

Of course they do.

And she likes the snakes.

Of course she does.

Any other reptilian comments, Darcy,

before we go back to the movie?

[sighs] The tote bag is $50.

The shirt is 100, and the hoodie is 150.

I think we all know that by now, Gator Darcy.

[Darcy] We do.

All right, our next auction item is the actual Joe Bob

marionette used in the Halloween Hootenanny special.

The purchaser will receive a phone call from Darcy,

who will explain how to do her spot-on impersonation

of Joe Bob's voice, and bidding on this item

starts at 200 bucks.

Aw, I love that Joe Bob doll.

It's not a doll.

Marionette.

[crew laughing]

I'm not talking to a cosplay alligator.

Why not?

Because it's humiliating, and disappointing,

and you tricked me.

[Darcy] Don't be grumpy.

Blue jean shorts is too much to ask?

Do you have any idea how much time it takes

to cosplay an alligator?

Thank you.

Oh yeah, that seemed genuine.

Seriously, thank you for trying.

Thank you for channeling the gator.

[Darcy laughing]

Students at the University of Florida

are loving you right now.

Albert and Alberta love you.

What are you talking about?

Albert Einstein Gator, and his companion Alberta Gator,

official mascots of the University of Florida

at Gainesville, Florida.

Dual-gender mascots. Get woke, Darcy, keep up.

[crew laughing]

Well I'm a bisexual gator.

Okay, that counts. How do gators have sex?

Don't answer that. Don't answer that.

Because actually, I know the answer to that.

The male gator grabs the female

with his stubby little hands and he aligns

their respective cloacas.

And then the male everts his penis

and crams it into the female's cloaca.

Wow, too much information.

In other words, he turns himself inside out and surprise!

You know.

- Kinda kinky. - It is.

[soft music]

[bells ringing softly]

[birds chirping]

This ain't right, T.J.

It's against the law, and you know damn well it is!

That girl hasn't done nothing to nobody.

You saw what she did!

Goddammit, you saw what she did to Leroy and Ben!

Now it's our turn.

Pa!

He's sick.

Leroy's gone crazy!

He's sick, Pa.

He killed her.

Dammit, I told you it wasn't right!

I don't wanna get messed up in a bunch of crap like this!

What do you expect, Sheriff!

It'd just be as easy as taking my money

all these years to keep your head turned

so that nobody'd know about all them

gators we been poaching?

Poaching and killing's two different things.

Aint much difference killing gators, killing coonies.

Just a little messier, that's all.

Why don't you just keep your head turned, Sheriff,

and pretend like you aint here?

You're good at that.

That's what's wrong now, dammit.

I've kept my head turned too long!

[water flowing]

[birds calling]

What's wrong with thee?

I told you stay home with Julie, no?

She's hurt?

Oh God. Bad?

Come on, we go.

[upbeat music]

[Billy Boy] I'm scared, Pa. You ever been scared?

[Joe Bob] You're damn right I been scared.

Son, I'm scared now.

I shoulda told you the truth.

The truth?

What are you talking about?

It was a lie.

She didn't kill Ben Bracken, Pa. I did.

I shot him.

Well you lying little fool. What in the hell happened?

It was an accident.

She dumped them snakes in the boat.

I went back to pick up Ben.

There was one more snake left in the boat,

and I picked up my gun and I shot it.

But just as I shot it through the head, Pa,

Ben was climbing in the back of the boat,

and he got it.

Right in the head, Pa.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't wanna touch nothing.

I just left him sinking.

With the boat. I ...

For God sake.

Now's a fine time to tell me.

T.J. Bracken'll kill you for sure if he finds out.

[T.J.] Finds out what, Joe Bob?

Oh, it's Billy Boy, T.J.

I think the swamp's got the best of him. He'll be okay.

[crickets chirping]

[Pete] Lucky to be alive.

[chattering]

[Joe Bob] Look, T.J., we're gonna have

to start back tomorrow.

[chattering]

[soft music]

[Billy Boy] She aint coming tonight.

[T.J.] She'll be back.

[Leroy] Can't wait to get my hand on that gal.

I guarantee you one thing.

I'll get her, someday.

[Pete] You better watch out, Leroy.

You know, she cut your balls off last time you tangled.

[Pete laughing]

[Leroy] Shut up your mouth. Chickenshit.

[upbeat banjo music]

[explosion]

[Billy Boy] What was that?

[men shouting]

[gun firing]

[men shouting]

[gun firing]

[T.J.] Get it back out of the water!

[men shouting]

She's getting away from us! Over there, Joe Bob!

[soft banjo music]

[soft music]

[screaming]

[whimpering]

[Leroy] Holy shit, what was that?

[T.J.] She found her sister. Quick, get to the cabin!

Leroy, get a torch and burn that shack down.

[Pete] There she goes, Pa! There she goes!

[T.J.] We don't wanna leave no evidence behind.

Do we, Sheriff?

[Joe Bob] T.J., give up. Give it up, dammit.

[T.J.] Will you get off my back.

I aint leaving this swamp till I get her, you hear?

In the morning, we'll follow her.

[Joe Bob] More than likely, T.J., she'll find us.

You know how these Cajuns are. They're a close family.

[Pete] Hoo wee! Look at that moss burn.

[flames crackling]

[harmonica music]

Wow, let's go ahead and stop it right there.

That wail that Desiree lets loose with when she sees

her dead sister, I think that would be called keening.

You know how they say the keening of the women

when they're mourning their dead.

Whatever it is, it's a peculiar sound that pops

outta Claudia Jennings, and I thought maybe

it was a sound effect.

But Beverly Sebastian says, nope, that was purely acting,

and it's also the turning point in the movie.

The men were hunting Desiree.

Now Desiree is hunting the men.

And let's talk about Claudia Jennings a little bit.

She was born in St. Paul, raised in Milwaukee.

Went to high school in Evanston, Illinois.

Started her acting career at the famous

Hull House Theater in Chicago.

But the key moment in her life didn't occur on the stage.

It occurred when she became a receptionist at Playboy.

This is back when Playboy was still based in Chicago,

and she was immediately noticed by Playboy;s

chief photographer and by Hugh Hefner himself,

who dated her and moved her into the Playboy Mansion,

and she was Miss November 1969.

She was Playmate of the Year for 1970,

and she was Playboy's most popular model

all through the '70s, and the guys who collect

original Playboy magazines, what are these worth?

These things are worth thousands of dollars.

You know, the newsstand price is $1.

But you look at these foldouts in here,

and you just go, whoa.

You know, people knew how to take pictures

of girls back then, so, at first she was just gonna use

the Playboy exposure to work in the theater.

She broke it off with Hugh Hefner, although she always gave

him credit for supporting everything she did,

and she went on the road with a touring company

of the Tinder Trap, and then she was in an off-Broadway

production of the Dark of the Moon, but she realized

that nothing about her Playboy exposure was gonna get

her respect in the theater,

so she moved to LA to try the movies.

And she first got cast in 1971 in a picture called Jud,

which was the first of those guy comes back from Nam

emotionally damaged and discovers

that nobody likes him movies.

Very much a downer of a movie, but Roger Corman saw her

in that movie and put her in a flick

called The Unholy Rollers, roller derby movie.

It was no Roller Boogie, but it made some money.

Around the same time, she made The Single Girls,

which I mentioned before, for Ferd and Beverly Sebastian,

which is about a group of swingers at a Caribbean resort,

and she became fast friends with the Sebastians,

which led to Beverly writing Gator Bait of her.

And that was her breakthrough,

in part because of the ad campaign that pictured her

in the tightest cut-off shorts in the history of denim.

The '70s were the heyday of the redneck movie,

and all the heroines had cut-off shorts that looked

like they could explode at any moment.

[throat clearing]

She would go on to become the queen of the redneck movies,

so much so that most people thought she was from the South.

She starred in Moonshine County Express,

the Great Texas Dynamite Chase, which by the way

is the movie that Ridley Scott ripped off

to make Thelma and Louise.

Hello.

Just a minute.

Truck Stop Women, the great Mark Lester film,

Death Sport, with David Carradine,

Stephanie Rothman movie called Group Marriage.

But of course, as most people know, she had a tragic life,

so that people today think of her as the B-movie Marilyn.

And, oh!

You did it! You did it, I can't believe it!

Merry fucking Christmas!

Oh, wow. You know ...

Darcy, if I didn't know better,

I'd say you were Claudia reincarnated.

Ha, maybe I am.

[laughing]

I can't believe you did this.

You were Ice Cream Man for me.

All right, well, she led the Hollywood lifestyle,

just like yourself, Darcy.

She had a five-year relationship with Bobby Hart.

Do you know him? Do you know who Bobby Hart was?

Singer-songwriter who wrote Last Train to Clarksville

and more importantly, Hey Hey, We're the Monkees.

He wrote Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees.

And apparently, as long as she was with Bobby,

she was very stable, but then she had a series

of less successful relationships.

She went on tour with the Rolling Stones,

dating both Ronnie Wood and Keith Richards.

She had a fling with Johnny Carson.

She had a thing with Warren Beatty.

She lived with David Bowie and his girlfriend.

And, meanwhile, she started using cocaine, unfortunately,

and Quaaludes and ketamines.

You know, that stuff puts you into a virtual trance.

Eventually, her manager, Mike Greenfield, dropped her.

He told her she was just making terrible choices in life,

she was lazy about working on her acting.

Everybody loved her.

They said she was a kind, generous person, heart of gold,

but also said she was impulsive, she made bad decisions,

she was bad at managing her money.

She did a lot of episodic TV, like Barnaby Jones,

Cannon, you love Cannon.

I do.

Streets of San Francisco.

She was even on The Brady Bunch.

And she was gonna be the replacement for Kate Jackson

in Charlie's Angels, but the network would not allow

Aaron Spelling to hire her due to, not because of the drugs

but because of the Playboy,

because of her Playboy background, so ...

And she got very upset by that.

She started taking acting lessons again.

She went out on some auditions. She tried to get off drugs.

But she kept getting into these relationships

with very controlling men that she would end up despising,

and the last toxic relationship she was in

involved a Beverly Hills real estate millionaire

named Stan Herman and on the morning of October Third, 1979,

she got into her white Volkswagen Bug,

and she set out for Stan Herman's house in Malibu.

She was going there to collect all her stuff

because she just broke up with him,

and she crossed over the center lane

on the Pacific Coast Highway,

and she was struck head on by a pickup.

So that little VW Bug just crumpled,

and she was trapped inside for 15 minutes

and she was pronounced dead at the scene.

And everybody said it was especially tragic

because she was getting her life together.

She had four film offers with lead roles.

Roger Corman especially said she was not

just a beautiful woman, that she had actually

become a very good actress by the end of her life.

Anyhow, nobody knows for sure why she crossed over

the center line, but she probably fell asleep

is the general diagnosis of that.

So sad.

But we honor her tonight.

[Darcy] Yes we do.

And in the role that was her breakthrough.

All right, so keep sending in those donations,

and tell them what they can buy, Claudia [laughs].

Well, we have this Last Drive-In tote bag

at the $50 level.

This shirt,

yeah,

at the $100 level,

and the hoodie,

for 150.

And also we're continuing to raise money

for the National Greyhound Foundation,

which rescues thousands of dogs every year.

And I'm gonna go ahead and add our final charity

for Christmas, which is the Appalachia Service Project.

Now people in the North call it Appalatia.

But people in the South call it Appalachia.

So I'm gonna use Appalachia because we're talking about

the part of it that's been the poorest place in America

for 130 years, statistically.

And what the Appalachia Service Project does

is they repair rickety broken-down houses

that are literally falling apart.

You know, when the building can't be saved

or made safe, they will build new ones.

But that picturesque old wooden house with the big porch

that's leaning to one side that they use in the tourist

photos of Appalachia is not so picturesque

if you live there, so this is like Jimmy Carter's

Habitat for Humanity but with the added focus

that they go in there with plumbers and carpenters

and handymen and they repair.

They don't just build a new house every time.

And I especially like the motto of the founder

of the organization, Tex Evans, who said,

we accept people right where they are,

just the way they are,

which is a version of our motto here at Last Drive-In.

Okay, what do we got left to auction off?

All right, here's what we have.

This oversized heavy wooden device comes from a fan

who wanted to help out the charity auction.

He has burned into the wood images of me,

Darcy, Yuki and Ernie, and it has a Wheel of Fortune-type

arrow that's used to pick what movie your group

is gonna watch on any given night.

At least that's what we think it is.

[Darcy] Seems right.

But thank you, John "Chainsaw Jack" McBride, MD,

Dr. McBride, who has very generously offered

to buy it back if it goes for less than $1,000.

And, by the way, it's signed by all of us,

signed by me and Darcy and Ernie and Yuki are gonna sign it.

So bids start at 1,000.

And I don't really understand this device.

I'm not sure I do either.

But it's very huge.

And it's signed by everybody.

Okay, so good luck with this one.

You taught me that we should always

be optimistic about the product.

All right, my God, we are gonna make so much money

and make somebody so happy with this device.

You know what'd make more money, though?

Tell me.

Re-create the Gator Bait poster in those shorts.

That would make more money.

Consider it done.

Plus, our charity is in the redneck South,

just like the movie.

And you know, South Carolina, where you're from,

Louisiana, same thing.

It's not the same thing.

Well it's close. Similar athleisure wear.

What does that mean?

[laughing]

You belong on that poster is what that means.

Aw.

[soft music]

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

[bells ringing softly]

[birds chirping]

She's been through here, Pa.

Looks like she wants us to find her.

[engine starting and sputtering]

Over there.

[engine stopping]

There's another one.

All right, just like a road map.

We got her now, Pa.

Turn back, T.J. She's making it too easy.

That gal's too dang smart to be making stupid mistakes

like this for no reason.

She's got something up her sleeve.

You can get out any time you want, Joe Bob.

But I'm gonna get that gal.

Pa.

Pa, look right over there.

Yeah.

She's as pretty as her Ma.

[Pete] Sure is. What's the matter with that gal,

showing us up like that?

Don't she know we can see her?

She knows.

Pa, I can't wait to get my hands on that girl.

[Pete] What are we waiting for?

We aint gonna be sitting here on our asses all day.

Get going.

[engine starting]

[engine racing]

[upbeat chase music]

[Billy Boy] Come on, Pa, get it moving. Let's go.

[Joe Bob] Get it going, hell, I'm bogged down.

[T.J.] We're gonna fix that right now.

Billy Boy, get out.

[Billy Boy] Get out where?

Take it easy with that gun, Mr. Bracken. I'm going.

Shit!

[T.J.] You're next, Sheriff.

[Joe Bob] Are you crazy, T.J.?

Yeah, I may be crazy. Get in the water!

Leroy, get in.

[Pete laughing]

Shut up!

Leroy, get in that water!

Get to work, Pete.

Let's go after and get her.

Yeehaw!

[upbeat chase music]

Shit.

Reckon that droopy old bastard's gonna leave us out here?

No, he aint gonna leave us out here.

He left his son, Leroy, he'll come back for that.

[upbeat chase music]

We gonna lose her.

Come on, boy, get her moving.

Can't you get more power outta that motor?

[upbeat music]

Faster!

[upbeat banjo music]

Come on now, boy.

[upbeat banjo music]

Dammit, can't you get it going?

[upbeat banjo music]

[engines fading]

We got her now, Pa. We got her, ooh hoo hoo.

[T.J.] She aint going nowhere now, Pete. That's for sure.

[gun cocking]

What the hell's she doing?

[gun firing]

[tree creaking]

Get outta here!

[engines racing]

[gun firing]

Damn, look at that wildcat go!

She gonna kill herself.

Yeehaw!

[engine racing]

[upbeat banjo music]

I'll be damned.

Tell you one thing, boy.

Her old pappy's sure given that kid a lotta guts.

Wasn't all he gave her either, Pa.

He's probably got her by now.

You heard that shot a little while ago, didn't you?

Like hell he did! Here she comes now!

She's gonna kill us.

[engine racing]

Here she comes. Pa!

Pa!

[gun firing]

She's gonna kill me!

[gun firing]

[guns firing]

[upbeat banjo music]

Bitch!

You!

[engine racing]

I'm gonna get you!

Damn!

[flames crackling]

Y'all see the way she drove that boat today?

She's some wildcat.

I'd like to get me a gob of that.

When that sun goes down, it chills off.

It was cold out there today.

Toss me one of those. Couple at least.

Look, T.J., we're gonna have to head back tomorrow.

We're damn near outta grub.

Just have to go hunting, Joe Bob.

[frogs croaking]

[Billy Boy] Did I hear something about using

Desiree for gator bait?

Old Matthew used to tie a rope around little

Desiree's waist and throw her in the bayou.

And then when them gators come real close,

snapping at her heels, he'd shoot them in the head.

Some say he did that once with her ma.

Remember, Sheriff?

Yeah, I remember.

That old bastard.

I'll bet Desiree remembers too.

Remembers what, Pa?

Nothing. Eat your dinner, boy.

Come on, Pa, remembers what?

Come on, Pa, tell me.

Go on, Joe Bob. Tell him.

You're a fine, law-abiding citizen. Come on, tell him.

Tell him how you screwed around with Desiree's ma.

How her old man, Matthew Thibodeau, caught y'all.

Ran you out.

Used her for gator bait.

And you shot him.

That was an accident, T.J.

You know that.

Bullshit.

It was murder.

And Desiree just stood there watching.

No wonder you wanted me to keep away

from that gal all these years.

You afraid she was gonna tell somebody something?

Yeah, he was afraid she'd tell somebody all right.

Maybe that there judge'd like to hear

all about that accident.

Shut up, T.J.!

You listen to me, and you listen real good.

You've held this shit over my head for 12 years.

That's all over.

By God, I'm still the law here.

And when I get outta this mess,

things are damn sure gonna be different.

Is that clear?

If you get out.

I never wanted a woman so much in my whole life.

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

[spitting]

[snoring]

Stole our food.

Water.

[gun clicking]

She coulda cut our throats.

T.J.?

If we do catch this girl,

I'm not gonna set by and let you kill her, you hear?

I hear you, Sheriff.

Yeah, Pa.

Besides, Pete wouldn't like that too well.

Pete wouldn't like it?

He wants to marry that girl.

[laughs] He what?

He wants that girl real bad.

No bragging kin of mine is gonna marry

no half-breed Cajun, you hear?

Pete?

Pete Bracken!

Get your ass over here!

He can't hear you, Pa.

He went after her early this morning.

Well why in hell didn't you stop him?

I told you, he wanted that woman real bad.

Well you know she'll kill him.

I oughta whip your ass good, boy.

You won't, though, because I aint never

gonna let you whip me again.

Come on, let's go.

He aint that far ahead of us. We'll find him.

[slow banjo music]

Psst.

[banjo music]

[groaning]

Here I be. You killed my sister, Julie.

It won't be easy for you.

Swamp take care of you.

Well that wasn't the most impressive swamp girl

kung fu kick to the face, but you knew she was gonna

dispatch poor Pete, because, like all the men in the movie,

the deeper into the swamp he goes,

the more disoriented he seems to be.

Pete was played by Don Baldwin.

Wasn't really a professional actor.

He was somebody the picked up locally

in the Shreveport area, and the guy who was

a professional actor is Sheriff Joe Bob Thomas.

That's Bill Thurman, who worked all through the '60s

into the '90s, always playing rednecks.

Including in a lotta big pictures like Sugar Land Express.

He was the hillbilly hunter.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind,

he was an air traffic controller in that.

And most memorably in my opinion,

he was the abusive football coach in The Last Picture Show.

He was the husband of Cloris Leachman.

Not to mention the sheriff in the Bigfoot movie,

Creature From Black Lake.

And he was the boozy preacher in Mountaintop Motel Massacre.

He was the doomed hitchhiker in Keep My Grave Open.

Whole host of roles in Larry Buchanan films.

I'm not gonna go into Larry Buchanan,

but he was the ultra-low-budget Dallas filmmaker,

and he used Bill Thurman over and over and over again

in movies like Mars Needs Women

and Curse of the Swamp Creature

and Zontar, the Thing From Venus.

And also Sheriff Joe Bob's son, Deputy Billy Boy,

is played by Clyde Ventura, who would appear

in very few films, but he would end up in Los Angeles

as a famous theater director and an acting teacher.

He was actually the principal teacher

at Actors Studio West Coast.

But he was born in New Orleans, and his claim to fame

is he was considered a master director

of Tennessee Williams plays.

You wouldn't know old Deputy Billy Boy

had it in him, would you?

And sadly, he died of AIDS in 1990,

when he was just 54 years old.

I love these boat chase scenes in Caddo Lake.

Remember when we went to Caddo Lake

to search for the Boggy Creek monster?

I will never forget it.

And I forced you to get into a canoe

and explore the swamp?

[Darcy] Yeah, you were cruel.

Yes I was.

Caddo Lake is kind of a character in this movie.

As Desiree says to Pete after she kicks him in the face,

I'm leaving you to the swamp. The swamp will get you.

She doesn't have to actually kill anybody.

She just lets nature deal with the scum,

turning human scum into pond scum.

Okay, we're still raising money

for the Appalachia Service Project.

Their slogan is, quote, to inspire hope and service

through volunteer home repair and replacement

in Central Appalachia, which as I pointed out before

is a region up in the mountains that ranks

dead last in poverty and has been dead last for 130 years,

which is when they started keeping records on poverty.

So, buy some junk from us here, or bid on one

of our auction items and help some people out.

Don't call it junk.

I'm sorry.

[crew laughing]

Buy this exquisite Last Drive-In tote bag, for 50 bucks.

Or this hoodie for 150 bucks.

And Felissa Rose will model the hoodie for us.

Felissa, are you there?

Yes, yes, I'm here. And I'm raring to go, Joe Bob.

Wear this hoodie as a mini dress,

and we will sell a lot more of them.

Please.

I'm all about it, Joe Bob.

- All right. - Don't encourage him.

Thank you, Felissa.

Some people in this room know how to sell things.

Designed as a tribute to the Felissa Rose character

in Sleepaway Camp, this anatomically correct Angela Doll

was two years in the making,

thanks to the tireless efforts of a fan.

It's signed by Felissa Rose herself.

And I don't remember who the fan is,

but Felissa, what is the deal with this doll?

The doll has a dick.

[crew laughing]

Well we said anatomically correct.

Actually, I saw the dick.

I think it's more of an approximation

of the dick in Sleepaway Camp.

Oh no, that's definitely my dick.

Okay, well you're the expert on dicks,

especially your own dick, so where should

we start in the bidding, though?

It's priceless.

Okay, I'm gonna say 500 bucks.

Are you watching the movie with us?

Did you enjoy the part where Leroy's gun

becomes limp and broken?

Nobody likes a limp and broken gun, Joe Bob.

Except it's Leroy. Of course not.

But you know, I can imagine, Felissa, what is going on

back there with your sexy phone calls.

Oh my God, you should hear what people

are saying on this sexy phone.

Well, you know, you advertise yourself

as the dick expert, what do you expect [laughs]?

I love it.

Oh, do you have any redneck shorts, Felissa?

You know, I'm more of like a miniskirt

and heels kinda girl.

[Joe Bob] All right, well how about mini hoodie and heels?

Can you do that?

Yes, I can.

Okay, Felissa, I'm gonna hold you to it.

You're awful.

I know I'm awful.

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

You guys.

[bells ringing softly]

[water lapping]

[Leroy] Pete's hat.

[Joe Bob] That don't look good at all.

[T.J.] Can't be too far from here.

Looks like he went up that way.

What's that?

[gun firing]

Don't touch him! Don't touch him.

Don't nobody touch him.

God.

Get these off him.

Why, Pete, why?

Why didn't you listen to me?

I told you not to go off on your own.

Everybody said you was tetched.

But I ...

I loved you just the same.

I'm gonna kill her, Sheriff.

And all her Cajun kinfolk.

I promise you.

Now hold on, T.J. That's not gonna help any.

[birds singing]

We're gonna die in this swamp.

Shut up, Billy Boy.

We aint gonna die.

We might get lost, but we aint gonna die.

You know, coonie didn't get my ass

lost in these swamps, tell you that.

Don't worry about it.

I'm gonna mark us a trail.

I don't know. This is her swamp.

To her, it's a living thing. It feeds her.

Why she knows this like the back of her hand.

You're right, T.J. She is leading us.

Sounds like you're scared, Pa.

You aint shitting, I'm scared.

She's gonna kill our asses.

That gal's the hunter now. We're the hunted.

[guns firing]

Where in the hell is she?

[gun firing]

[upbeat banjo music]

Make a run for it, T.J.! She's gonna kill us all!

We're sitting ducks!

[gun firing]

[shouting]

[gun firing]

[groaning]

Boy, she's having herself a time.

Where's Billy Boy?

He got himself shot.

Shot?

Well you're a brave son of a bitch. Why didn't you help him?

You think I'm gonna get myself killed

over helping him, you're crazy.

I'm going back after him.

He's probably dead.

Sheriff, she's gonna get you too.

Billy Boy!

She came back, Pa. To see if I was dead.

She just looked at me, and left.

Easy, boy, easy. We'll get you outta here.

[Leroy] I told you he's dead.

He aint dead yet.

Help me get him back to the boat.

[Leroy] Pa, we aint gonna take him with us.

It'll slow us down!

You think not?

Pick him up.

Pick him up!

Do like he says, boy.

I aint getting his blood on my coat.

I'll tell you that right now.

I don't give a damn where you get it!

Get that boy on your back!

You can put your gun away now, Sheriff.

Go on, T.J., I don't trust you behind my back.

[crickets chirping]

[owl hooting]

[birds singing]

Pa?

Don't let me die in this swamp, Pa.

I won't, boy.

I'll get you out, if I have to carry you myself.

Okay?

[water splashing]

Shit, look what she's done this time.

Pa?

Pa?

Pa?

Pa.

She done it again.

She got the boats.

She's gonna kill us yet.

Hey.

Damn, might do that.

Well it's a long walk back.

Leroy, give me a hand with Billy Boy.

Bullshit, I aint carrying him another step.

You don't think I'm gonna leave him here, do you?

He's as good as dead, Joe Bob.

Never get outta this swamp alive carrying dead weight.

Uh-uh!

Leroy, you pick that boy up or I'm gonna blow your head off.

Pretty harsh words, Sheriff.

You know I can take you all by myself.

Uh-uh.

Just you try it.

I'll put a hole through you bigger than the one

Billy Boy put through Ben.

What is that you said?

You told me Desiree killed Ben!

She didn't.

Billy Boy shot him when he was trying to get in the boat.

Well why in the hell didn't you tell me?

We coulda saved Pete and that little gal!

It was either Pete or Billy Boy!

Now it's gonna be either you, or me.

[gun cocking]

[birds chirping]

I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands.

[screaming]

[groaning]

[punches striking]

[groaning]

[punches striking]

[groaning]

[punch striking]

[punch striking]

[groaning]

[punches striking]

[groaning]

[punches striking]

[groaning]

[punch striking]

[water bubbling]

[grunting]

Where's my Pa?

Hey.

Hey!

Hey, where you going?

Huh?

Hey, take me, please.

[T.J.] Let's get on home, Leroy.

Aint you tired of killing?

[Leroy] Not until I get her.

She aint never gonna let us get outta here alive,

unless we get her first.

Where's my Pa?

Where's my Pa?

[alligator hissing]

Hey!

And so the gator emerges outta the brackish water,

presumably to eat the drowned sheriff.

This was a true drive-in movie.

This was from the days of what they called subdistribution.

The country was divided into regions.

For example, for Gator Bait,

there were only 20 prints of the movie.

So you would play the movie in 20 theaters for a week,

then you'd move it to another region for the next week,

and sometimes it would take two to three years

to make it all the way around the country.

The last places you would play would be New York

and Los Angeles because you didn't really want

your film to be reviewed by the highbrow critics.

And in the case of Gator Bait,

Beverly Sebastian would do extensive research.

She would map out all of the drive-ins

in the next region they were going to

and decide which ones were the best for the movie.

She did a great job.

The budget on Gator Bait was $70,000,

and it made $15 million at the box office.

Made so much money that it caught the attention

of Paramount Pictures, and they bought out all

the ancillary rights and then they hired

Ferd and Beverly Sebastian to make

several more movies for them.

And I still say most of the success of the flick

was due to the poster, featuring Claudia Jennings,

brilliantly cosplayed by Darcy, thank you, Darcy.

But can it compare to this?

[laughing]

Felissa, all right, thank you, Felissa.

I think we just sold 100 more hoodies.

That's why I did it.

I want some more money for those greyhounds.

Yeah, and you turned it around.

You put the zipper in the back.

Genius, okay [laughs].

We are still raising money for the greyhounds.

Beverly Sebastian is founder of the National Greyhound

Foundation, but also the Appalachian Service Project,

the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence,

and First Book, a children's literacy project that provides

reading materials for kids who couldn't

otherwise afford them.

And since Felissa modeled the hoodie,

and since it's getting close to the end

and we need to sell a lot more tote bags and shirts

and hoodies, I asked Darcy after the last break

if she would model the shirt, and so ...

Okay.

You girls stay together. Thank you.

Dig down into your pockets, guys.

I wanna break the record from last year,

which is just a measly $44,000.

Let's put this baby over the top

and put the moss back in Christ-moss.

So don't make me, don't make me pose in a tote bag.

Ooh, that's a good idea.

I already tried it. It's scratchy.

[laughing]

Do you have pictures of that?

Austin does, I told him to destroy them, but he's over

there charging people 10 bucks to look at them.

Worth it. I want it.

All right, let's get back to the movie.

Will T.J. and Leroy kill Desiree,

or will Desiree win the Battle of the Techno Prisoner Swamp?

Let's find out in the stunning conclusion to

Gator Bait.

Okay, guys, I want some big charity bucks for this.

This is my original Night of the Living Dead one-sheet,

from 1968, with four of the original

cast members' signatures on it.

It does not have Dwayne Jones, because he was already dead

by the time I got it signed.

But, come on, this is the movie that defined modern horror.

I want the very first bid on this to be a thousand bucks.

Whoa, that is bold.

[Joe Bob] You don't agree with me?

I mean, I do.

We've never shown Night of the Living Dead.

I think we should show that, right,

because we gotta do it one of these days.

Let's do it for our 100th episode.

Our 100th episode?

What, in 2026 or something like that?

No, it's next season.

Our 100th movie.

[Joe Bob] You're kidding.

Mm-mm.

We've done this 100 times?

[Darcy] Yeah, and we need to do something special.

Doesn't every horror host show in America

use Night of the Living Dead?

Yeah, they do because it's public domain.

So is there anything left to say

about Night of the Living Dead?

I know you'll think of something.

All right, Austin, can we show Night of the Living Dead

for our 100th movie on Shutter?

[Austin] Uh, you know, I'll have to check.

Public domain, it's free.

[Austin] All right, yeah, yeah, we can show it.

Thank you.

I feel like singing Born Free now.

[chuckling]

[Austin] Negative.

Can I sing the first two notes of Born Free?

[Austin] Uh, not without calling a lawyer, no.

♪ Born free

[laughing]

What, did that cost $20,000?

So, but we are showing Night of the Living Dead

for our 100th movie?

Somebody has to take charge around here, okay?

[Austin] Yeah, it's not you.

- Ooh. - What'd you say?

[Austin] Nothing. Nothing.

[chuckling]

You know what?

I'm gonna ignore that because it's Christmas.

And Christmas is a miracle.

And so are you.

[upbeat music]

[bells ringing softly]

[birds chirping]

[birds calling]

[birds chirping]

[Leroy] I think we lost her, Pa. She aint around here.

Aint lost her for long. Just keep looking.

Keep a sharp lookout, Son.

[birds chirping]

[gun firing]

Pa, there she is.

She's right there in front of you.

Leroy, keep going through them there woods.

I'll go down through the swamp, catch her between us.

Let's go.

Right, Pa.

[T.J.] Keep going, Leroy. We got her now!

Oh boy.

[soft mysterious music]

[Desiree] How you be, Leroy? Been a long time.

Remember?

I aint forgot.

[Desiree gasping]

Well.

It'll certainly be a little different this time, Desiree.

[groaning]

Bitch!

[groaning]

No, not no more.

[groaning]

[moaning]

[groaning]

[groaning]

Bitch!

Now let's have some more.

I want some more.

Yeah.

You rest easy there now.

[birds chirping]

That's it.

Ha.

[birds singing]

Now.

We're even, swamp.

Coonie.

[gun cocking]

[gun firing]

[gasping]

[bird calling]

[birds chirping]

Yeehaw!

Where's Leroy?

Oh no.

You see Leroy no more. He never come.

[gun splashing]

[whip splashing]

Go ahead and kill me.

I got nothing to live for now anyway.

Go ahead and get it over with. Kill me.

Worse for you.

I let you live.

If you get out.

[birds chirping]

Desiree, you're just like your ma.

You knew my ma?

Where do you think you get that red hair?

[chuckling]

I'm your pa. Didn't your ma ever tell you?

[laughing]

My pa's dead.

Come on, Big T, we go home.

[soft music]

[upbeat banjo music]

♪ Catch a rainbow tipping by

♪ Kiss the sun, embrace the sky, Desiree ♪

♪ Catch a rainbow skipping by

♪ Kiss the sun, embrace the sky ♪

♪ Desiree

You know, of all the disturbing moments in Gator Bait,

including the murder of Desiree's sister,

I think the gross-out sequence is there at the end

when Leroy gets the upper hand against Desiree

and he starts kissing her.

The way he does that is, well it just makes the moment

of the rifle-toting tongue-less brother coming

to her rescue all the more satisfying.

I think it's also a brilliant stroke

to leave T.J. raging in the unpredictable swamp

instead of killing him at the end.

Beverly Sebastian is a great writer,

who had a major influence on what was

sneeringly called Hicksploitation movies in the '70s,

mostly because of this movie.

Actually, two movies started that trend.

Deliverance was the big-budget version,

and Gator Bait was the one that generated

probably 100 redneck dramas.

It's interesting that when Beverly set out to be

a screenwriter, mostly so that she and Ferd could

make movies more cheaply.

The first three movies they made, it was just the two

of them, they were the entire crew.

And the actors outnumbered the crew

sometimes by a factor of six.

So when she set out to be a writer,

she applied to the Famous Writers School.

The Famous Writers School was this correspondence school

that they advertised on late-night TV,

and when you applied to it, they gave you an aptitude test.

And then they sold you writing classes.

Well they told Beverly she failed the aptitude test.

Nobody fails the aptitude test.

But did that discourage her?

Her response to the guy who called her on the phone

was, well, I'll see you on the silver screen.

So 15 movies later, the Famous Writers School

was bankrupt, but Beverly was not.

There was a Gator Bait Two in 1988,

but of course Claudia Jennings was dead by then,

and so Ferd found an actress named Jan Duncan,

who changed her name to Jan McKenzie for the movie,

and whose name today is Jan Sebastian,

because she married Ben Sebastian, better known as the guy

with the bullet through his head in the first scene

of the movie we just watched.

But Gator Bait Two Cajun Justice didn't make

much of an impact, it was pretty much ignored.

But it had a little bit of life on cable,

and then Jan McKenzie also starred in another

Ferd and Beverly movie, a female wrestling picture

called American Angels Baptism of Blood,

but that was her entire career.

The other Ferd and Beverly Sebastian movie that people

still talk about is Rocktober Blood,

about a crazed rockstar who returns from the dead

to murder members of his band.

And I should also mention Janit Baldwin,

who played Desiree's younger sister, Julie.

She was in several other exploitation movies in the '70s,

including Phantom of the Paradise, Born Innocent,

the women-in-prison movie.

She was Piper Laurie's daughter in Ruby.

Her last role was Humongous in 1982,

after which she quit the business to be a fashion designer.

Gator Bait is one of the few redneck movies from the '70s

with true character arcs, arcs and backstories

for every single character.

I think the sole exception is the sister of Pete

and Leroy, who's wearing the slinky dress

while she hangs up the laundry.

She's just there to indicate that incest is frequent

and more or less accepted in the world

that we're about to enter, so ...

Beverly and Ferd retired from the movies

after making a biker film called Running Cool in 1993,

and they live today in Florida, where Beverly continues

to serve as the chairwoman of the Greyhound Foundation

and Ferd runs a Christian ministry

that he founded 30 years ago.

A healing ministry, because when he was 55 years old

the doctors at Cedars Sinai in LA told him he had to have

part of his heart removed or else he was gonna die,

and instead he just prayed about it and was healed.

And so he's 89 years old now and doing just fine.

So, Darcy, I loved my Christmas present,

in case you couldn't tell.

I been talking about it ever since you gave it to me.

One of the rare times I've done

two cosplays for one movie.

And you were an excellent gator, and excellent bait.

[crew laughing]

What does that mean?

I'm not sure. I just, it sounded good.

So, for everybody who gave us money tonight, we thank you.

The National Greyhound Foundation thanks you.

First Book thanks you.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence thanks you.

And the Appalachia Service Project thanks you.

We started out talking about No Room at the Inn

and how there's always room at our inn,

and I just wanted to close out the Christmas message here.

[throat clearing]

Aren't you forgetting something?

[Joe Bob] What?

I have a letter.

You know, I thought maybe we wouldn't do a letter tonight

because I was afraid you would have a letter

and I fear that letter.

It's fan mail.

I know, but you always give me a tearjerker letter

at Christmas, and I don't wanna cry.

You're gonna like this one.

Go ahead.

It's from Jake Hubner of Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

All right.

Hey, Darcy, oh, it's a letter to you

so I don't have to read it. - Yes, you do.

I hope this warms both yourself and Joe Bob.

I just wanted to say a few words to you two.

This has been a terrible, terrible year.

And, I think we can all agree on that.

I haven't seen my 85- and 87-year-old grandmother

or grandfather in almost a year due to COVID.

They made the smart decision and have been

hunkering down ever since the virus hit.

I been doing everything I can to stay safe,

and that includes rarely seeing my friends.

This year sucked. It sucked every single day.

Except the days that you and Joe Bob are on Shutter.

Those Last Drive-In episodes have been the escape

that some of us need.

It's one of the few times my two best friends,

Dale and Jeff, who have both had their ups and downs

as well, crawl out of our respective homes

and get together, if we feel we have been as safe as we can.

Usually, we get together at my house,

where my partner will sometimes make us dinner

while we drink beer and laugh together

as Joe Bob rattles off some new, sometimes insane rants

and you roll your eyes at his possible insa ...

How often do you roll your eyes?

Read the letter.

All right, this is not the first guy

who's talked about eye rolling.

You bring it out to me.

I can't see that when it happens.

All right, the truth is, you two give us a reason

to hang out and have a few hours to be normal.

You help make life more bearable in what has been

the most depressing fucking year

I have personally ever been around for.

There were some serious dark patches in my life this year,

and there were moments when I thought I just didn't wanna

do it anymore, but then I knew there would be

a Last Drive-In special around the corner

and I knew that'd save my sanity.

You've kept a friendship I thought might break up alive.

You've given me a reason to reconnect and love

long-lost friends that were once just acquaintances.

A reason to drink beer and raise hell

once a week during the season run.

And a reason to just keep going.

I know how silly and stupid it is to think that something

as odd as a TV host and his co-host and a couple

of forgotten flicks are to be so important,

but it's the truth.

It's my truth, and I'm totally okay with that.

I'm a mutant freak, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Thank you for every single moment I've spent

with you so far, I can't wait for me.

We love you guys. Jake, Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

Okay, not too bad. Nobody died in this letter.

Right?

Quite a few people have said similar things

about the shows we cobbled together during the plague year,

which leads right into my closing Christmas message.

You have a closing Christmas message?

[Joe Bob] I do.

I liked it better when you just impaled me

on reindeer antlers.

Well that was fun too, but we started with Baby Jesus,

we're gonna close it out with the Baby Jesus.

The reason we have an open-door policy at the Last Drive-In,

meaning we love you no matter who you voted for

or what stupid thing you said on Twitter in 2014,

is that we don't ever wanna be the people who send

the Baby Jesus to the horse trough.

So, keep your doors open, and we will too.

And that's it. See, that wasn't too bad.

I can't believe you're done.

Oh, the drive-in will never die.

I still don't believe you're done.

No, I'm done.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Although--

Well, I knew it.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

What?

- You don't know? - Hm-mm.

Santa stops after three hoes.

Oh damn. Dude [laughs].

How is Christmas like a day at the office?

You do all the work, and some fat guy

in a suit gets all the credit.

[crew laughing]

Okay, now I believe you can say you're done.

Three men die on Christmas Eve,

and St. Peter meets them at the gates of heaven.

And Peter says, in honor of this holy season,

you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas

to get into heaven.

So the first man fumbles through his pockets

and he pulls out a lighter and he flicks it on.

And he says, this represents a candle.

And Peter says, very well, you may pass

through the Pearly Gates.

The second man reaches into his pockets and he pulls out

a set of keys and he starts jingling them.

And he says, they're bells.

And St. Peter says, you may also enter heaven.

And the third man starts searching desperately

through his pockets, and he finally pulls out

a pair of women's panties.

And St. Peter looks at the guy and says,

and just what do those symbolize?

The man says, they're Carol's.

[crew laughing]

All right, go on that one, go on that one.

[crew laughing]

[Austin] All right, that's a winner.

All right, guys, thank you for being here.

Yay!

Christmas 2021.

[upbeat music and clapping]

♪ Just like Jerry Lewis

♪ I gotta leave you with a song ♪

♪ Oh yeah, I have to do this

♪ It's almost time to say so long ♪

♪ It's true

♪ So don't be blue

♪ I feel the Christmas spirit

♪ I really hope that you do too ♪

♪ Come gather round to hear it

♪ I think some gratitude is due ♪

♪ Thank you

♪ And you

♪ So if you feel like the apocalypse is soon ♪

♪ Remember

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

♪ Christmas is a miracle

Well it's time for the talking verse, and all I wanna say

is that a telethon is a thousand miracles,

a million miracles.

Everybody who participated tonight, whether you're

in Piscataway, New Jersey, or Grand Junction, Colorado.

Whether you're rich or poor, old or young,

animal or human, you're a miracle.

Ernie is a miracle.

Felissa Rose is a miracle.

John Brennan is a miracle.

The Chili Bandit is a miracle.

And of course, Steve Wilcox is a miracle.

And so are you.

The drive-in will never die.

[upbeat music]