All language subtitles for The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs S14E02 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-WELP_track4_[eng]

["Hark the Herald Angels
Sing" harmonica music]

You know, I think
I made a pretty good

Ice Cream Man, don't you think?

You did.

But is this in
the movie anywhere?

This picture of Clint?

I mean, who is he shushing?

Stop picking it apart.

All right, all
right, all right.

No more Ice Cream
Man, all right.

Where's my movie?

You know, you're supposed to
gift me a movie right now.

- You know what it is.
- I do know what it is.

So why aren't you
cosplaying Claudia Jennings?

The cosplay is at
the second break.

Okay, Playboy Playmate
of the Year 1970.

I've always thought, if
they ever remake Gator Bait,

you should have the
Claudia Jennings part.

Oh, you think the
movie's Gator Bait?

I know the movie
is Gator Bait.

I love me some Gator Bait. It's
the perfect Christmas gift.

But do you agree?

You were probably
rambunctious athletic barefoot

girl in South Carolina.

You could be the wildcat
gator poacher in the swamp

who lures men to their deaths.

Wow, you really
do love Gator Bait.

I've never heard you talk about
the movie before the rant.

Could you stand up in a
racing speedboat and fire

a rifle while steering
your boat with your foot,

with your barefoot?

Hell yeah, I can.

All right, well,
see what I mean?

And they have a lotta
swamps in South Carolina.

You have swamps, have you not?

I've gotten a
little swampy, yeah.

All right.

Perfect for channeling
Claudia Jennings,

which I hope you're
gonna do later,

but yeah, what I
wanted to tell you is,

I already have my New
Year's resolution.

We did the New Year's movie
at Halloween, Terror Train.

I know, but since we never
get to do a New Year's show,

I wanted to tell you this
on the Christmas show.

[Darcy] Okay.

I need to get into
better shape next year,

so I was thinking I might go out

for this sport called triathlon.

Mm, that's a tough sport.

I know. I got inspired
by the Olympics, though.

Because you know how
this sport works?

Not really [chuckles].

Well, first you swim
37 miles through icy,

shark-infested water in
nine-foot waves wearing one

of those Monty Butock wetsuits

normally seen only
in James Bond movies.

[Darcy] Okay.

But that's just the warmup.

After you round the buoy,
and you land back on shore,

you take off running,
you jump on one of those

20-speed Italian
bicycles with the wheels

that look like dental
floss and you pedal

for 274 miles through quaint
villages in the Swiss Alps,

and all the time you're
doing this, you chug Evian

yupster water out of a
special Evian yupster

water holder device
attached to your bike.

I don't think you're
really gonna do this.

Then, after you've
cycled across the slopes

of the Jungfrau, you jump
off the bike and you do

a little 59-mile sprint
to the finish line.

And the first one to
get outta surgery wins.

You're kidding.

Yes, of course, I'm kidding!
Who started this sport?

Where is he?

Isn't it time to scissor
off this guy's hamstrings

or something, before he
carries some automatic weapons

up into the Empire
State Building

and starts hyperventilating?

You know, all the guys
that do this sport,

they look like a
70-year-old Bruce Dern.

This is so far beyond jockdom

that we need a
special word for it.

It's not aerobics,
it's not cybernetics,

it's not dianetics.

Psycho sports, that's
the word for it!

It's the same principle as
those guys who lift weights

for so long they look
they have muscles

on the outside of their skin.

You know, the ones that
always look like somebody

just painted some
linguine with tomato sauce

on their stomach, so you see
these guys and you think,

what if this the day he does
one too many bench presses

and the whole thing just pops
open like a water balloon?

So these psycho sports
triple reverse triathlon guys

or whatever you call it,
they're the same way.

They got these giant
veins in their foreheads

from pumping their arms
and bugging out their eyes

while wearing their
supercool California goggles,

and when they fall down
on the ground at the end

of the race, grabbing their
sides like maybe they're having

3,000 appendicitis attacks
at once, they're happy!

They're looking at
one another like,

mine hurts worse than yours.

Does not, mine hurts worse.

Well, my feet are
bloody, nya, nya, nya.

So what, I popped
my shoulder out

of its socket three times.

I lost all feeling
in both thighs.

And then, after they've
compared notes like this

for a little while, they
say, isn't this fun?

I'm not really that
serious about it.

I just do it to keep in shape.

[crew laughing]

Yeah, me too. Love
your purple leotard.

You know, thanks. You
know, I need to wind down.

Let's do some Icelandic
snowshoe jogging.

Great, you know,
isn't there some way

to just execute these
people all at once.

That is not very Christmasy.

No, it's not, but
do you who know is

very Christmasy every
day of the year?

Felissa Rose!

Hi, Felissa.

Hi, Darcy. Hi, Joe Bob.

All right, Felissa, you
know, we haven't been talking

to you because you been
working so hard on the phones,

but we're gonna need
your expertise later.

We're gonna need your
expertise in this movie.

Well I am ready to serve.

All right, and we know
what your expertise is.

And because we are about to show

the five-star
classic Gator Bait.

Wait a minute.

Here's your Christmas
gift. It's Gator Bait.

But I thought you only
gave out four stars.

Some movies are
special, Darcy.

And because we're about show
one of the greatest redneck

movies ever made, our
charity for the next hour

is the National
Greyhound Foundation.

Why them?

Because Ferd and
Beverly Sebastian,
the producer-directors

of Gator Bait, the only
husband-wife directing team

I know of in film.

You gotta lotta
sibling director teams,

like the Coen brothers,
and the Soska sisters,

but I don't know of any other
married couples that do this.

But because it's a Ferd
and Beverly Sebastian film,

we're channeling all the
proceeds from this hour

to the charity founded
by Beverly Sebastian

after she retired
from filmmaking.

In the early '90s, she was
planning to write a movie

about greyhound racing.

She's the screenwriter on
Gator Bait, by the way.

I'll talk about that later.

But she was doing research for
this movie about greyhounds,

and she found all
these abused animals

living in horrible conditions.

When greyhounds are too old or
too injured to race anymore,

they're just kind of abandoned.

And she adopted one of them,
and then she couldn't stand

seeing the others living in
these kinda kennel prisons

that they put them in, and so
she went down to Bradenton,

Florida, and not knowing what
she was gonna do with them,

she adopted 50 retired
greyhounds from a kennel there,

and then the next day she
adopted 300 more of them

in Orlando to save them
from certain death.

Meanwhile, the
animal rights people

are protesting against her.

They're saying what she's
doing is irresponsible.

Course she wasn't planning
to keep all those dogs,

but she went on TV and
radio and she placed

every single one of
those dogs with an owner.

And that was the beginning

of the National
Greyhound Foundation

and that is more than 25
years ago that she did that.

She's saved literally
thousands of dogs since then.

Can I just go ahead
and talk about this

while we're on the subject?

Can I spend a minute on
this before we do the movie?

My God, you know me.

Talk about animal
rescues all night.

All right, so she also started
these programs in prisons

where the greyhound is
assigned to a prisoner

who is taught how
to train the dog.

Because prisoners, they have
nothing but time on their hands

so they're often
excellent trainers.

And it's called the
Second Chance program.

And Second Chance has two
meanings, because many

of the prisoners have never
experienced unconditional love,

which is what you
get from a dog.

And none of these racing
dogs have experienced

unconditional love, and
so it's prisoner and dog

getting a second chance at life.

Very successful program, she
does it all over the country.

She even trains greyhounds
to be guide dogs

for the ex-military
who return home

with severe post-traumatic
stress disorder.

That's called her
Purple Heart program.

So anyway, she did
this single-handedly.

So we're gonna support the
continuation of the work

of the National Greyhound
Foundation tonight

as we watch Gator Bait.

Oh my gosh, I love that story.

She acted on faith.

Said she could figure it
out, and she figured it out.

So Ferd and Beverly Sebastian
are among my favorite

filmmakers ever, they made
independent movies from the '60s

into the '70s, '80s, '90s.

Gator Bait is probably
the best known one.

Before we get into
it, let me remind you,

there are two ways
you can give tonight.

You can by our Last Drive-In
tote bag, shirt and hoodie

at the price levels of
50, 100 and 150 bucks.

In other words, for 150
bucks, you get all three.

Here's the hoodie.

And the money goes to the dogs.

Or you can put a bid in
on our auction items,

which we showcase at
the end of each segment.

And, um, that's it.
Are you ready to Gator?

I'm ready.

But I think I should
do the drive-in totals,

because it's my gift to you.

Uh, I can't let you do the
drive-in totals on Gator Bait.

Aw.

I have to be
selfish right now,

but you'll make me very
happy with the cosplay.

You know, but it was actually
the Gator Bait poster

of Claudia Jennings
in those cut-off jeans

that probably did
more to sell the movie

than any other single asset.

No doubt about that.

Gator Bait is the sensitive
story of a sexy wild woman

in the Louisiana swamp
who poaches alligators

for a living, but she gets
framed for a murder and one

of her family members
ends up brutally killed

by vicious in-breds, so she
has to take her revenge.

This is like a feminist,
redneck Death Wish,

if you know what I mean,
and I think you do.

Great acting, great cinematography.

Filmed in the same location used

in the Legend of Boggy
Creek, Caddo Lake

on the Texas-Louisiana border.

This is one of the
great achievements
of '70s exploitation

during the era when
movies set in the South

were all the rage, so let's
rack up those drive-in

totals and get started.

We have six dead
bodies, 12 breasts,

three motor vehicle chases,
one swamp boat explosion,

one Cajun shack inferno, one
excellent swamp fistfight,

with drowning, one
swamp foot chase,

tree trunk boat jumping,
bullet to the forehead,

banjo-twang foreshadowing,
pontoon boat slicing,

hog-sty chase with horse-whipped
incestuous redneck,

snake wrangling, gator roping,
gratuitous armadillo chase,

barefoot Kung Fu, rifle
fu, creepy harmonica fu,

Spanish moss fu,
cottonmouth fu, incest fu,

bullwhip fu, lizard
fu, shotgun fu.

Sharp-stick booby-trap fu.

Drive-in Academy
Award nominations for

Claudia Jennings, the
'70s drive-in queen,

as the wildcat Cajun girl,

Clyde Ventura as Billy
Boy, the shiftless deputy

for saying she either screws
us or she gets behind bars.

Bill Thurman as Sheriff
Joe Bob for saying, dammit,

Billy Boy, how many
times have I told you

to leave that Cajun alone.

The only way you get them
swamp rats out is dead.

Sam Gilman as T.J. Bracken,
the two-fisted family patriarch

for saying, we don't leave
my boy for no gators.

Don Baldwin as Pete, for saying,
I been waiting a long time

for something pretty as that.

I found her first,
so I'm going first.

Douglas Dirkson as
Leroy for saying,

you gonna tell me where that
bitch sister of yours is?

Janit Baldwin as
Desiree's little sister

who goes full frontal.

Tracy Sebastian as
the mute brother.

Ferd Sebastian for co-directing
and writing the music

and for some of
the best handheld

camera work ever achieved
by a cinematographer

with a single assistant
using a 35-millimeter AirFlex

standing hip deep in swamp water

for most of that 10-day shoot.

Beverly Sebastian for
co-directing and for the script,

for telling her story
the Drive-in Way.

Four stars. Joe Bob
says check it out.

Our next Christmas auction
item is a pair of Santa Claus

bolo ties worn by
Joe Bob Briggs myself

on previous Christmas shows.

One is a traditional
ho ho ho Santa

appearing through a wreath.

And the other is a Santa
on a beach vacation

wearing shorts and sunglasses.

Bidding on this two-bolo
set begins at $50.

I'm surprised you would
give away your bolo ties.

You know it's always the
first thing everybody suggests,

but, um, I always say I
don't really know anybody

except me who even
wears bolo ties,

so what's the point
of giving them away?

I just know that
you love your bolos.

Well yeah, because I hate
traditional men's ties,

and if you wear bolos,
you can go into a place

where they require
ties, but it's cooler,

and it's more comfortable.

Ah, is that why you do it?

Well I do it because I like
them, I genuinely like them.

And I like the Native
American artists who design

the best ones, but actually
in Arizona and New Mexico

and Texas, where they require
public officials to wear ties

in places like the state Capitol
and the legislative chamber

arguing before the Supreme
Court, you can wear a bolo tie.

That qualifies.

I would not try it at
the U.S. Supreme Court.

They are very picky there.

I did an article there one time.

I had to pound on the door
of Brooks Brothers at eight

in the morning in
Washington, D.C., to get them

to open up and sell
me a regular tie.

But in civilized public
spaces, the bolo is accepted.

So go to the Montana
Supreme Court, no problem.

Too much information.

You cannot have too much
information about bolo ties.

I think you can.

It's the official state
neckwear of Arizona.

They voted on it.

It's just about
enough, Joe Bob.

[crew laughing]

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Christmas is a Miracle.

And, so are you.

[bells ringing softly]

[banjo music]

[birds calling]

[banjo music]

[upbeat banjo music]

♪ Desiree

♪ Darling, you're sweet candy

♪ Talk to me

♪ My darling, talk to me

♪ I want you, I need
you to be my someone ♪

♪ And I wait for you
in South Louisiana ♪

[Ben] Let's go.
She aint coming.

She'll be here. Found
her snares yesterday.

[banjo music]

You want the prize?

It's cold out here, Billy.

Give me that.

Do it before it's too late.

If you look back,
you might soon be

heading in the wrong
direction [laughs].

I'm going home.
She ain't coming.

She'll be here.

[banjo music]

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Oh ho ho

♪ Ah ha ha

[singing in foreign language]

[banjo music]

[Ben] I'm going home. She
aint worth freezing for.

Come on, Ben, stay, huh?

She's worth it.

Let me drive?

What?

Let me drive the boat.

[banjo music]

You'll wait with me?

If you let me drive.

Okay, you got a deal.

[banjo music]

♪ Oh, sweet Cajun

♪ Tell me that
you love me only ♪

♪ Let me build you a small
shack in South Louisian ♪

♪ And I'll never let
you stray from me ♪

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Oh, ho ho

♪ Ah, ha ha

[singing in foreign language]

Sh!

There she is.

Boy, that is some
piece, aint it?

I told you she'd be
worth waiting for.

How we gonna get her
to lay down out here

and screw us in the
middle of the swamp?

She aint go no choice.

She either screws us,
or she gets behind bars.

Putting a wildcat like
that behind bars is bad.

Leroy tried to get
him a piece of her,

and you know what she did,
she cut his balls off.

That's 'cause your
brother's stupid.

We aint stupid.

[laughing]

[birds singing]

She got it now.

Hey, coon-ass.

We caught you. We done
caught you, red-handed!

[engine starting]

[laughing]

Come on, start that boat!

[laughing]

Sheriff maybe'll kill me!

[upbeat chase music]

[laughing]

Go faster!

Don't lose her. You're
losing her, Ben.

[laughing]

Woo-hoo.

Hey, to the right, come on.

Hoo-wee. Woo-hoo.

[upbeat chase music]

Hoo-wee.

[upbeat chase music]

Come on, Ben, get her ass!

[upbeat chase music]

Hey, watch out,
you're gonna drown me.

Hey, coon-ass!

[upbeat chase music]

Hey, Desiree, pull over
in the name of the law,

and drop your britches.

[upbeat chase music]

Get closer, I'm gonna grab
me a piece of that right now.

[upbeat chase music]

Hoo-wee, Desiree,
you wanna fight, eh?

[Ben] What is that, Billy?

I don't know,
but it sounds good.

[laughing]

[upbeat chase music]

We caught you poaching
that gator, Cajun.

You got a choice.

Either jail, or us.

[upbeat chase music]

Woo.

Hey, poon tang, we gonna
give you a free ride.

Hey, hey, hey, Cajun.

Come on, Ben.

Watch it, Ben.

Watch that tree.

You gonna smack my
Daddy's boat and kill me.

Come on, woo.

[gentle music]

Turned into a blind slew,
Ben. We got her now [laughs].

We got her trapped now, Ben.

Hey, coon-ass, we caught
you. We caught you poaching.

Yee-haw.

[gun firing]

[panicking]

[Ben] Do something,
Billy, do something!

[gun firing]

[gun firing]

[gun firing]

[gun firing]

Pa!

Pa!

Pa!

It's murder, Pa, murder.
Just plain murder.

What are you talking
about, Billy Boy?

That Cajun wildcat,
Pa. She did it.

She killed Ben Bracken.

Ben Bracken? Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure, Pa.

Me and Ben, we was riding
around in your new boat,

just like you told me, just
riding around looking around,

and we caught her,
poaching gators.

Dammit, Billy Boy, how
many times have I told you

to leave that Cajun alone?

Her daddy and her daddy's
daddy has been hunting

these gators in these
swamps for 100 years.

And me or no newfangled
law is gonna change that.

Now it's murder!

I've gotta go in and
drag that wildcat out,

and the only way you can get
those swamp rats out is dead!

I'm sorry, Pa. Me and
Ben didn't mean nothing.

Well you tell that
to them there Brackens.

There's gonna be hell to pay.

Did you bring young
Ben's body out?

No, Pa. I couldn't.

She blowed his head clean off.

Besides, she sank your boat.

Holy, Jesus! She
sank my boat too?

I just paid $3,000
for that boat!

Wait till I get my
hands on that girl.

Why, she's ornerier
than her old man!

Come on, let's go
tell them Brackens.

Best to get this
thing over with.

Somebody's gonna get killed.

You reckon we better
get some more men

to back us up, Pa?

Hell no, she's only one girl.

Best to keep this thing quiet.
No use upsetting everybody.

What do you reckon them
Brackens gonna do, Pa?

I don't know, T.J.'s
a mean old bastard,

and Pete and Leroy I think
are just sick in the head.

[gentle music]

- Loralee?
- Yeah?

Where's Leroy?

I don't know.

[banjo music]

You sure look fine sliding
around in that thing.

Feels good too.

Stop, this is store-bought.

Why don't you
give me a little?

[shrieking]

[banjo music]

[groaning]

[shrieking]

[whip lashing]

Pete Bracken, I oughta
kill you, you horny bastard.

That there's your sister!

What the hell you trying to do?

Get her knocked up
with some dimwit kid

that'll turn out like you?

[whip lashing]

You horny bastard.

[Loralee] Oh, Pa, Pa.

Pa.

[whip lashing]

[crying]

[whip lashing]

[gentle music]

[shouting]

Pa! Pa!

Pa! Pa!

What the hell you
trying to do, kill him?

You better come up
to the house quick.

The sheriff and
his son's coming.

Shit.

Loralee?

Yeah, Pa?

Get yourself dressed and
get supper on the table.

We got company. You hear?

Okay, Pa.

Git!

I'll do all the talking.
You hear, Billy Boy?

Come on.

[spitting]

Howdy, Sheriff, Billy Boy.

T.J.

What y'all doing
around these parts?

You hunting for somebody?

Well you might say that, T.J.

Me and Billy Boy are
going in the swamps

and bring out the
Thibodeau girl.

By yourself?

You're gonna have
your hands full.

That swamp aint no
place for nobody

to go in by hisself.

Nobody even knows where
them Thibodeaus live

except me, and I aint for sure.

So long since I been there.

Must be something mighty
bad make you wanna go

all the way back
there for some gal.

I admit she's pretty as her ma,

but, man, coon-ass comes a
whole lot easier than that.

[laughing]

Something bad all right.

Y'all stay for supper.

Sure, T.J.

T.J.?

I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you.

It's young Ben, he's dead.

I'm sorry, T.J.

Oh no, not Ben.

He's my baby.

[harmonica music]

Damn!

Who did it?

Easy, T.J.

It was Desiree Thibodeau.

Billy Boy and Ben caught
her poaching them gators

and the silly fools
tried to stop her.

She shot Ben! She
sank Pa's boat too.

Now you see there, Sheriff,
she done it this time!

First me, now Ben.

Where is he?

He's in the
swamps, Mr. Bracken.

I tried, I tried to find him.
I looked all over for him.

Hell, I couldn't find him.

You're gonna look again.

You're gonna look again
and again, and again.

I aint gonna leave
my boy for no gators.

[soft harmonica music]

[Joe Bob] Aint no use
looking around here no more.

[Billy Boy] We already
been through here twice.

[soft harmonica music]

[Joe Bob] I believe
Billy Boy's right.

I believe the swamp has got him.

[Billy Boy] Yeah, the
swamp's got him, Mr. Bracken.

I looked. I looked really
good, I been all over here.

You didn't look
good enough, boy.

We gotta find him.

[Billy Boy] Mr. Bracken,
I been through all

these swamps here before.

[soft music]

[T.J.] Why didn't
you put her away

when I told you to, Sheriff?

[Joe Bob] Well, T.J.,
she aint done nothing

to be put away for, except
poaching these gators.

I'm not gonna put her away
for something like that.

[T.J.] Aint none of
that family any good.

Gal is a bitch, just
like her ma was.

What about what
they did to Leroy?

[Joe Bob] Now hold on,
T.J. That was Leroy's doings.

He was told to stay
away from that gal.

A plain case of rape,
as far as I'm concerned,

her being a young'un and all.

Besides, I'd have had
to put in jail too

till it come to court,
and I told you so.

[soft music]

[water sloshing]

[Billy Boy] Aint
nothing here, Mr. Bracken.

[T.J.] We gotta keep looking.

[Joe Bob] T.J., we
been all over these banks

half a dozen times now.

Why don't we try over there?

[crickets chirping]

Ben!

Aw, Ben!

Benny.

Benny [cries].

[Leroy] Pa!

[crying]

I'm sorry, T.J.

Sorry?

I'm going in after that
goddam coon-ass bitch.

[dramatic music]
- We'll all go in after her.

After all, I'm still
law hereabouts, T.J.

Bullshit.

[crying]

[Billy Boy] It was Desiree,
Mr. Bracken. It was her.

I bet she's out there
with that brother

and sister of hers right
now, laughing at us.

Right off the bat,
we are deep, deep, deep

into the dark secrets of
the Southern Louisiana

swamps, aren't we?

And what an entrance
for Claudia Jennings,

gliding through the swamps
like she's one of the animals.

So at ease that she can
hogtie gators, grab snakes

outta the water with her bare
hands and handle that boat

like it's a
waterborne skateboard.

The poor doofus who gets
shot in the forehead

by Billy Boy, that's
Ben Sebastian,

the eldest son of Ferd
and Beverly Sebastian.

Because making movies
was pretty much

the Sebastian family business.

Still is today.

Ben runs the
distribution company

that the Sebastians still own.

Ferdinand and Beverly Sebastian
are both from Houston.

They met at a roller
rink, and 10 days later

they ran off together
and got married.

Now, you can imagine what
their families thought.

You know, you don't pick up
somebody at the roller rink

and run off and get married,
recipe for disaster.

Well, they've now
been married 68 years,

so nobody says that
anymore to them.

What's interesting
about them as filmmakers

is that they always directed
together, produced together.

Beverly did the writing,
Ferd ran the camera,

and the first three
movies they made,

they were the whole crew,
just the two of them.

They started out
as photographers.

Then they had a business
making TV commercials,

and they used that money to
start financing feature films.

And when it came time
to make Gator Bait,

they'd already made five films.

They made I Need a Man in 1967,

the story of a
schizophrenic nymphomaniac.

Yes, that's what I said.

[crew laughing]

The Love Clinic in
1969, romantic comedy

about a female urologist
and a male obstetrician

who open clinics in
the same building.

Yes, that's what I said.

Marital Fulfillment, also
in 1970, one of those how-to

sex films from the
early days of soft porn.

The industry name for
those was a white coater.

Because there was always a
sex expert in a white coat

standing in front of a
blackboard or an easel

explaining the anatomy
of the female body.

And those scenes would be
interspersed with nude scenes.

Every time they released
a film, they would plow

the money back into
their business,

so their budgets
started at $15,000

but kept getting bigger.

So by the early '70s,
they're living in LA,

they're scrounging around
the indie film world

trying to break through,
and Ferd manages to get

a meeting with Walt Disney.

Walt Disney always
ate lunch at his desk.

He just brought a brown
bag to work with him.

So he told Ferd, okay,
I'll meet with you.

Come to my office, and I'll
talk to you over lunch.

So Ferd tells Disney all the
things he's planning to do,

and Walt says, well,
you can't do that,

you shouldn't do that,
you're too young and new

to do that, you're too green.

And he finally says, look, Ferd,

make movies with sex,
violence and action.

All successful movies have
sex, violence and action.

And Ferd says, that is
strange coming from you, Walt.

You don't make movies like that.

And Walt says, watch Bambi.

All the animals are in
love, it's full of violence

and every sequence is
motivated by dramatic action.

Twitterpation, remember
that in the movie,

that means sex, so Ferd and
Beverly took that advice

to heart and all the
rest of their movies

had sex, violence and action.

Beverly's next script after
the meeting with Walt Disney

was The Hitchhiker,
starring Misty Rowe,

who most people remember
as the hot girl on Hee Haw.

But that was a movie about
a gang of girls who stand

by the roadside in miniskirts
so they can lure men

and then rob them,
early Aileen Warnos.

She followed that up
with The Single Girls,

which was about a bunch of
swingers at a Caribbean resort,

they were stalked by a killer.

And that's when they
met Claudia Jennings,

who was a very popular
Playboy Playmate,

and she became
their best friend.

Am I talking too much
about Gator Bait?

You're not actually
talking about Gator Bait.

[Joe Bob] Well that's true.

But it's your Christmas
present, so go ahead.

Okay, so the way Gator Bait
happened is Ferd and Beverly

became friends with Claudia
Jennings while working

on The Single Girls, and
Claudia asked Beverly

if she could write a movie
for her where she doesn't

have to talk too much, and
Beverly goes, sure thing.

And she remembers from
the time Ferd was serving

in the Coast Guard,
they were stationed

in Southern Louisiana, and
she met a bunch of Cajuns.

And so she decided to write
this story about Cajun culture,

starring Claudia
Jennings as a Cajun girl

who doesn't talk much.

And the three of them,
Ferd, Beverly and Claudia,

got into a motor home and
drove from LA to Louisiana.

Also in that motor home
were their two young sons,

a dog and a pregnant cat.

[crew laughing]

Speaking of which, John Brennan,

are we saving those greyhounds?

Oh, yeah, we're
saving them faster

than a greyhound
chasing a jackrabbit.

All right, and Felissa,
did you notice the part

where they say that
the character of Leroy

tried to rape Desiree and
she cut his balls off?

Yes, I heard every detail.

Okay, well, sometimes
people watch this movie

and they hear cut his
balls off, and they think

she insulted him or something,
but she cut his balls off!

That's not really
my department.

I know, but it's related
to your department,

so I wanted to ask
you about that later.

[Felissa] I'm ready!

Okay.

[crew laughing]

Darcy, I'm talking too much.

No, really?

So tell them
about the tote bags.

You tell them about
the tote bags.

Me?

Then we'll go to
the movie, yeah.

All right, you can buy
a Last Drive-in tote bag

for $50 to help our
four charities tonight.

For $100, you get the
tote bag and the shirt.

And for 150, you get the tote
bag, the shirt and the hoodie.

Same picture.

All right, and
isn't it your turn

to auction something off, too?

It is.

Okay, go ahead.

Our next auction item
is, my fantasy husband.

This is the actual standee
used in the segment

of The Love Witch when
I married Tom Atkins

at a Renaissance Faire.

If you request it,
I'll autograph it

and put my lipstick kiss
mark on Tom's cheek.

So will Joe Bob.

Bidding on this
item starts at $100.

Darcy, that is
fetishy as hell.

I know, right.

That's almost like
selling your underwear.

Did you ever sell
your underwear?

For charity.

You did, okay.
I was just asking.

That Tom Atkins standee
looks a little beat-up.

[crew laughing]

You didn't do anything
with it, did you?

What do you mean?

Nothing.

[laughing]

Not a thing. Just noticed a
few creases in the cardboard.

Don't worry about that.

All right, I'm feeling,
you know, Gator Bait,

it's putting me in a
Christmas spirit, so ...

John, go ahead.

John, just go
ahead, John Brennan.

♪ Christmas is a
miracle, and so are you ♪

Aw.

Yay.

Christmas.

[bells ringing softly]

[engine racing]

[engine approaching]

Desiree.

[engine racing]

Careful.

How you be?

You didn't do well, no?

No good. Almost
got caught today.

Ben Bracken and sheriff's boy.

Here.

For now, I'm gonna
stay away from swamps.

Okay, for now.

Come on.

Come on, we'll catch
a little dinner, huh?

Aint no one knows
for sure where they are

except the coonies.

They don't talk to nobody.

[Pete] I wonder if
she's got a man out there.

Don't you ever
think of nothing else?

Oooh!

[Pete] What the hell
you laughing about?

You can't do nothing
but think about it.

Shut your mouth, pecker head.

Unless you want me
to shut it for you.

Leroy, Pete, get
your asses in the boat!

[birds singing]

[engine starting]

[upbeat music]

♪ Born in the
swamps of Louisian ♪

♪ Made her living like a man

♪ Desiree

♪ Laughter was just a game

♪ Played by rude gentlemain

♪ Desiree

♪ Catch a rainbow skipping by

♪ Kiss the sun,
embrace the sky ♪

♪ Desiree

[upbeat music]

[T.J.] Come on, Leroy.

See if we can find
out from these coonies

where that gal moved.

[Leroy] They aint gonna
tell you nothing, Pa.

[T.J.] Well hell,
it won't hurt to ask.

[soft mysterious music]

[T.J.] Pete, Billy Boy,
y'all stay with the boat.

[Billy Boy] Hell,
Pete can handle it.

I always get left
outta the action.

[upbeat music]

♪ Born in the
swamps of Louisian ♪

♪ Made her living like a man

♪ Desiree

♪ Laughter was just a game

♪ Played by rude gentlemen

♪ Desiree

♪ Then one day her
life was still ♪

♪ Stolen gun and
blood was spilled ♪

♪ Desiree

[upbeat music]

♪ Trouble moving
through the swamp ♪

♪ Trouble that you
just can't stop ♪

♪ Desiree

[upbeat music]

♪ Catch a rainbow skipping by

♪ Kiss the sun, embrace
the sky, Desiree ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ Killer, killer was the cry

♪ Five other men
set out to try ♪

♪ Desiree

♪ Trouble moving
through the swamp ♪

♪ Trouble that you
just can't stop ♪

♪ Desiree

♪ Catch a rainbow slipping by

♪ Kiss the sun, embrace
the sky, Desiree ♪

There's glades over there.

Might as well bed
down for the night.

No use looking for that
coonie in the dark.

- Hey, Pa?
- Yeah.

[Leroy] You reckon we
ever gonna find that place?

[T.J.] We're gonna find it.

Just keep looking. It's
around here somewhere.

[Julie] How long will you be?

Two, maybe three day.

This time I go deep into swamp.

Maybe I get better luck.

No, you stay here
with your sister.

You take care of Julie now, huh?

You be a good boy.

[birds calling]

[engine starting]

Good luck to you.

Let's get some wood.

[bird calling]

[T.J.] Where you going, Pete?

[Pete] I'm just gonna
go take a crap, Pa.

[T.J.] You stay
here before you get

yourself lost in the
swamps, you hear?

[Pete] I aint gonna get lost.
I growed up in these swamps.

[T.J.] You do as I tell you.

I don't want the
same thing to happen

to you that happened to Ben.

[Pete] All right, Pa.

[water lapping]

[birds chirping]

[insect buzzing]

[Julie humming and singing]

[singing continues]

Pa! Pa!

Pa!

[humming and singing]

Pa, that's it. That's
it right there.

[T.J.] That's it all right.
Reckon that bitch is inside.

Ooh wee. I told
you she was pretty.

I'm gonna get me
a piece of that.

Sheriff, pull along here.

[Julie singing]

Tell you what we're gonna do.

Sheriff, you and Billy
Boy pull along that way.

Me and Leroy'll go
around this way.

- Pete?
- Yeah, Pa?

Get in with the
sheriff and Billy Boy.

Okay, Pa.

All real quiet
now, real quiet.

[water lapping]

[birds singing]

[Julie humming and singing]

[humming and singing continues]

[birds singing]

[twig snapping]

Who y'all be?

[men laughing]

Ow!

You gonna pay for it, bitch!

[shrieking]

All right, drop her, boys.

Plenty of time
for that later on.

Where's your sister?

I asked you a question!

[men laughing]

Morning, coon-ass.

Get up.

Where's your sister?

[Leroy laughing]

Hey, Pa, look
what we got here.

Easy, boy.

Where's your sister,
huh? Where's your sister?

What's the matter,
coon? Cat got your tongue?

You're gonna answer
me, you coonie bastard,

or I'm gonna feed
you to the gators.

Now where is she?

Stop! He got no tongue.

[water lapping]

Let him go, Leroy.

We'll wait.

She'll be back.

I been waiting for
something like you

for a long time, little girl.

Pete, get your
ass down the boat.

You, get in and
make some supper.

Leroy, go in and watch
her. Get in there.

Now, Pa?

Right now. Come on, you
coon-ass, get in there.

Come on, Billy Boy.

[Joe Bob] Go on
with him, Billy Boy.

[birds singing]

Hurry up, Billy Boy.

I'm hurrying.

Boy, I tell you what.

Pa aint gonna keep me from
getting that little girl.

I been waiting a long time

for something as pretty as that.

Yeah, well, not if
I get to her first.

First?

Now look, I found her
first, so I'm going first.

All right, I'll take second.

[utensil scraping]

[birds singing]

[whimpering]

[Leroy] You sure are
a pretty little thing.

Yeah.

[Julie whimpering]

No, no you don't,
you little bastard.

Come back here.

I want you to keep a
tight rein on them boys.

I don't want no
accidents to happen.

We know all about
accidents, don't we, Sheriff?

That's not the point.

Let's go.

Come on, Joe Bob, bring the boy

and let's look around,
see if we can find

any trace of that bitch.

[Julie screaming]

Don't you ever try that again.

[screaming]

Sh!

[whimpering]

Now you gonna tell me where
that bitch sister of yours is?

[crying]

You gonna tell me where that
bitch sister of yours is?

Tell me.

You tell me and I
won't hurt you at all.

Sh.

Sh.

[whimpering]

Now, now don't make a sound.

Now.

Now.

[crying]

You gonna tell me where that
sister of yours is, huh?

Hey, big brother.

What you up to?

How'd you get her
in such a huff?

[soft music]

[laughing]

Where you going, little
coonie, huh? Where you going?

[Julie screaming]

Huh, come here.

[laughing]

[Julie screaming]

[laughing]

Whoa, whoa whoa. She's
a wildcat, Pete [laughs].

[Julie screaming]

[Julie screaming]

You gonna stop them, T.J.?

Aint no business of
mine. Boys'll be boys.

Besides, they aint
gonna do nothing

she wouldn't want them to do.

Boy, you wanna
get yourself killed?

She's gonna be all right.

Now!

Got ya.

[soft dramatic music]

Get outta here, boy, before
you get yourself killed.

[banjo music]

Weren't no use keeping the boy.

Besides, he'll bring
that sister of his back.

[dramatic music]

You a wildcat,
aren't you [laughs]?

[Julie screaming]

[Pete] Kinda like a snake.

Save some for me.

Plenty enough for everybody.

[suspenseful music]

Leroy, would you
hold that for me?

We got us a wildcat.

Come on over here. Show
you how a man does it.

[dramatic music]

Stop!

[gun firing]

[coughing]

[birds calling]

That man enough for you?

[Christmas music]

And so this movie just
got really grim really fast,

with the castrated Leroy
using his gun as a dick.

Once you see that scene,
you don't really care

what happens to Leroy
or any of the rest

of them, for that matter.

That one scene is the
equivalent of four rapes

in I Spit On Your Grave,

which is the movie this
one is often compared to.

This script is a lot better
than I Spit on Your Grave,

but the sentiment is the same.

And where did Darcy
go, by the way?

[Austin] She's getting
into her cosplay.

Oh hell yes, she is.

You know, oh yeah.

Half animal, all woman [laughs].

Claudia Jennings cosplay.

The actor who plays Leroy,
the creepy one with the knife,

that's Douglas
Dirkson, who grew up

in a small town in Montana.

But when he first showed
up for the audition,

Beverly Sebastian told him,
you look like a preacher

or an English professor.

I don't think you
could scare anybody.

You certainly don't
scare me, and so he said,

give me just a minute,
and he walked away

and he came back with a ruler
pretending it was a knife,

and his eyes got wild and he
walked up close to Beverly

and she said she was terrified.

So she turned to Ferd and
she said, he's perfect.

He would go on to do
a lot of episodic TV.

He did Eye of the Tiger
in 1986 with Gary Bussey.

He was in Footloose, but
this was the very beginning

of his character career.

He'd only had two other
roles before this one.

His daddy, T.J., on the other
hand, the family patriarch

with the bullwhip,
that's played by veteran

character actor Sam Gilman,

close friends with
Marlon Brando.

In a lotta movies with Brando.

Here's an interesting
little factoid about him.

He graduated from
the Pratt Institute,

which anybody in New York
City can tell you is one

of the finest art
schools in the country,

and in the late 1930s, the
golden age of comic books,

he was an illustrator
and an inker on a lotta

the lesser known comics,
like Vapo Man, Iron Skull,

Masked Marvel, but
here's the factoid.

He was a penciler on Marvel
Comics Number One in 1939.

He quit the comics biz to join
the Army in World War Two.

He was a sergeant in
the camouflage corps.

This was in the
days when they were

still developing
different types of camo

for different combat situations.

Anyway, after the war,
he went back to New York,

became an actor, did a
lotta live TV, Playhouse 90,

Lux Video Theater, worked
on the Broadway stage a lot.

Some people might remember
him from Missouri Breaks

and Macon County
Line, a great actor.

He was in The Wild Ones
with Brando, One-Eyed Jacks,

the one Brando directed.

And when I say he was a
close friend, Marlon Brando,

Wally Cox and Sam Gilman
were such good friends

that some of their
ashes are sprinkled

together in Death Valley.

All right, what else can I ...

What?

Hello.

What the hell, Darcy?

Gator Bait cosplay.

Uh.

Well, Merry Christmas to me.

Aw, you don't like it?

It's great.

[chuckling]

Photo perfect, just like
the gator in the movie.

Thank you.

You know what? Let's
just go to Felissa Rose.

I have to ask you,
Felissa, as our resident

expert on the male member.

Yes.

Is it true that a gun is an
extension of a man's penis?

In the case of the character
in this movie, absolutely.

We really shouldn't
be showing this movie

on Christmas, should we?

Oh, come on, there's
no wrong season

for discussing the male member.

[crew laughing]

Would you say this movie
is feminist, Felissa,

because Claudia Jennings keeps
breaking guns and penises?

Very definitely.
It's heartbreaking.

What's heartbreaking?

Penis destruction.

Well, but not
after what Leroy did.

True.

See, even the gator
agrees with you, Felissa.

All the men in
this movie are awful.

Am I getting
character evaluations
from an alligator now?

Yes, you are.

[Joe Bob] All right. Her
mute brother is not awful.

True.

That's the other
Sebastian son, by the way.

That's Tracy Sebastian.

I think we need to
get back to the movie.

They kept the gators
that they used in the movie

in the swimming pool
of the abandoned hotel

they were living
in at the swamp.

And they kept the
snakes in the shower.

And Ferd had advice
for filmmakers.

He says, never tie a burlap
sack full of snakes with a rope,

because they can get out.

Always tie the actual
sack into a knot.

I guess they had some
accidents on the set,

so, a lotta symbolism
at work here, Felissa,

because a snake can also be
a symbol of the male member,

and the snakes like Desiree.

Of course they do.

And she likes the snakes.

Of course she does.

Any other reptilian
comments, Darcy,

before we go back to the movie?

[sighs] The tote bag is $50.

The shirt is 100, and
the hoodie is 150.

I think we all know
that by now, Gator Darcy.

[Darcy] We do.

All right, our next auction
item is the actual Joe Bob

marionette used in the
Halloween Hootenanny special.

The purchaser will receive
a phone call from Darcy,

who will explain how to do
her spot-on impersonation

of Joe Bob's voice, and
bidding on this item

starts at 200 bucks.

Aw, I love that Joe Bob doll.

It's not a doll.

Marionette.

[crew laughing]

I'm not talking to
a cosplay alligator.

Why not?

Because it's humiliating,
and disappointing,

and you tricked me.

[Darcy] Don't be grumpy.

Blue jean shorts
is too much to ask?

Do you have any idea
how much time it takes

to cosplay an alligator?

Thank you.

Oh yeah, that seemed genuine.

Seriously, thank
you for trying.

Thank you for
channeling the gator.

[Darcy laughing]

Students at the
University of Florida

are loving you right now.

Albert and Alberta love you.

What are you talking about?

Albert Einstein Gator, and
his companion Alberta Gator,

official mascots of the
University of Florida

at Gainesville, Florida.

Dual-gender mascots. Get
woke, Darcy, keep up.

[crew laughing]

Well I'm a bisexual gator.

Okay, that counts.
How do gators have sex?

Don't answer that.
Don't answer that.

Because actually, I
know the answer to that.

The male gator grabs the female

with his stubby little
hands and he aligns

their respective cloacas.

And then the male
everts his penis

and crams it into
the female's cloaca.

Wow, too much information.

In other words, he turns
himself inside out and surprise!

You know.

- Kinda kinky.
- It is.

[soft music]

[bells ringing softly]

[birds chirping]

This ain't right, T.J.

It's against the law, and
you know damn well it is!

That girl hasn't done
nothing to nobody.

You saw what she did!

Goddammit, you saw what
she did to Leroy and Ben!

Now it's our turn.

Pa!

He's sick.

Leroy's gone crazy!

He's sick, Pa.

He killed her.

Dammit, I told
you it wasn't right!

I don't wanna get messed up
in a bunch of crap like this!

What do you expect, Sheriff!

It'd just be as easy
as taking my money

all these years to
keep your head turned

so that nobody'd
know about all them

gators we been poaching?

Poaching and killing's
two different things.

Aint much difference killing
gators, killing coonies.

Just a little
messier, that's all.

Why don't you just keep
your head turned, Sheriff,

and pretend like you aint here?

You're good at that.

That's what's
wrong now, dammit.

I've kept my head
turned too long!

[water flowing]

[birds calling]

What's wrong with thee?

I told you stay
home with Julie, no?

She's hurt?

Oh God. Bad?

Come on, we go.

[upbeat music]

[Billy Boy] I'm scared,
Pa. You ever been scared?

[Joe Bob] You're damn
right I been scared.

Son, I'm scared now.

I shoulda told you the truth.

The truth?

What are you talking about?

It was a lie.

She didn't kill Ben
Bracken, Pa. I did.

I shot him.

Well you lying little fool.
What in the hell happened?

It was an accident.

She dumped them
snakes in the boat.

I went back to pick up Ben.

There was one more
snake left in the boat,

and I picked up my
gun and I shot it.

But just as I shot it
through the head, Pa,

Ben was climbing in
the back of the boat,

and he got it.

Right in the head, Pa.

I didn't know what to do. I
didn't wanna touch nothing.

I just left him sinking.

With the boat. I ...

For God sake.

Now's a fine time to tell me.

T.J. Bracken'll kill you
for sure if he finds out.

[T.J.] Finds
out what, Joe Bob?

Oh, it's Billy Boy, T.J.

I think the swamp's got the
best of him. He'll be okay.

[crickets chirping]

[Pete] Lucky to be alive.

[chattering]

[Joe Bob] Look,
T.J., we're gonna have

to start back tomorrow.

[chattering]

[soft music]

[Billy Boy] She
aint coming tonight.

[T.J.] She'll be back.

[Leroy] Can't wait to
get my hand on that gal.

I guarantee you one thing.

I'll get her, someday.

[Pete] You better
watch out, Leroy.

You know, she cut your balls
off last time you tangled.

[Pete laughing]

[Leroy] Shut up your
mouth. Chickenshit.

[upbeat banjo music]

[explosion]

[Billy Boy] What was that?

[men shouting]

[gun firing]

[men shouting]

[gun firing]

[T.J.] Get it back
out of the water!

[men shouting]

She's getting away from
us! Over there, Joe Bob!

[soft banjo music]

[soft music]

[screaming]

[whimpering]

[Leroy] Holy
shit, what was that?

[T.J.] She found her sister.
Quick, get to the cabin!

Leroy, get a torch and
burn that shack down.

[Pete] There she goes,
Pa! There she goes!

[T.J.] We don't wanna
leave no evidence behind.

Do we, Sheriff?

[Joe Bob] T.J., give
up. Give it up, dammit.

[T.J.] Will you
get off my back.

I aint leaving this swamp
till I get her, you hear?

In the morning,
we'll follow her.

[Joe Bob] More than
likely, T.J., she'll find us.

You know how these Cajuns
are. They're a close family.

[Pete] Hoo wee! Look
at that moss burn.

[flames crackling]

[harmonica music]

Wow, let's go ahead
and stop it right there.

That wail that Desiree lets
loose with when she sees

her dead sister, I think
that would be called keening.

You know how they say
the keening of the women

when they're
mourning their dead.

Whatever it is, it's a
peculiar sound that pops

outta Claudia Jennings,
and I thought maybe

it was a sound effect.

But Beverly Sebastian says,
nope, that was purely acting,

and it's also the turning
point in the movie.

The men were hunting Desiree.

Now Desiree is hunting the men.

And let's talk about Claudia
Jennings a little bit.

She was born in St. Paul,
raised in Milwaukee.

Went to high school
in Evanston, Illinois.

Started her acting
career at the famous

Hull House Theater in Chicago.

But the key moment in her life
didn't occur on the stage.

It occurred when she became
a receptionist at Playboy.

This is back when Playboy
was still based in Chicago,

and she was immediately
noticed by Playboy;s

chief photographer and
by Hugh Hefner himself,

who dated her and moved her
into the Playboy Mansion,

and she was Miss November 1969.

She was Playmate of
the Year for 1970,

and she was Playboy's
most popular model

all through the '70s,
and the guys who collect

original Playboy magazines,
what are these worth?

These things are worth
thousands of dollars.

You know, the
newsstand price is $1.

But you look at these
foldouts in here,

and you just go, whoa.

You know, people knew
how to take pictures

of girls back then, so, at
first she was just gonna use

the Playboy exposure
to work in the theater.

She broke it off with Hugh
Hefner, although she always gave

him credit for supporting
everything she did,

and she went on the road
with a touring company

of the Tinder Trap, and then
she was in an off-Broadway

production of the Dark of
the Moon, but she realized

that nothing about her
Playboy exposure was gonna get

her respect in the theater,

so she moved to LA
to try the movies.

And she first got cast in
1971 in a picture called Jud,

which was the first of those
guy comes back from Nam

emotionally damaged
and discovers

that nobody likes him movies.

Very much a downer of a movie,
but Roger Corman saw her

in that movie and
put her in a flick

called The Unholy Rollers,
roller derby movie.

It was no Roller Boogie,
but it made some money.

Around the same time, she
made The Single Girls,

which I mentioned before, for
Ferd and Beverly Sebastian,

which is about a group of
swingers at a Caribbean resort,

and she became fast friends
with the Sebastians,

which led to Beverly
writing Gator Bait of her.

And that was her breakthrough,

in part because of the ad
campaign that pictured her

in the tightest cut-off shorts
in the history of denim.

The '70s were the heyday
of the redneck movie,

and all the heroines had
cut-off shorts that looked

like they could
explode at any moment.

[throat clearing]

She would go on to become the
queen of the redneck movies,

so much so that most people
thought she was from the South.

She starred in Moonshine
County Express,

the Great Texas Dynamite
Chase, which by the way

is the movie that
Ridley Scott ripped off

to make Thelma and Louise.

Hello.

Just a minute.

Truck Stop Women, the
great Mark Lester film,

Death Sport, with
David Carradine,

Stephanie Rothman movie
called Group Marriage.

But of course, as most people
know, she had a tragic life,

so that people today think of
her as the B-movie Marilyn.

And, oh!

You did it! You did
it, I can't believe it!

Merry fucking Christmas!

Oh, wow. You know ...

Darcy, if I didn't know better,

I'd say you were
Claudia reincarnated.

Ha, maybe I am.

[laughing]

I can't believe you did this.

You were Ice Cream Man for me.

All right, well, she led
the Hollywood lifestyle,

just like yourself, Darcy.

She had a five-year
relationship with Bobby Hart.

Do you know him? Do you
know who Bobby Hart was?

Singer-songwriter who wrote
Last Train to Clarksville

and more importantly, Hey
Hey, We're the Monkees.

He wrote Hey, Hey,
We're the Monkees.

And apparently, as long
as she was with Bobby,

she was very stable, but
then she had a series

of less successful relationships.

She went on tour with
the Rolling Stones,

dating both Ronnie Wood
and Keith Richards.

She had a fling
with Johnny Carson.

She had a thing
with Warren Beatty.

She lived with David
Bowie and his girlfriend.

And, meanwhile, she started
using cocaine, unfortunately,

and Quaaludes and ketamines.

You know, that stuff puts
you into a virtual trance.

Eventually, her manager,
Mike Greenfield, dropped her.

He told her she was just making
terrible choices in life,

she was lazy about
working on her acting.

Everybody loved her.

They said she was a kind,
generous person, heart of gold,

but also said she was impulsive,
she made bad decisions,

she was bad at
managing her money.

She did a lot of episodic
TV, like Barnaby Jones,

Cannon, you love Cannon.

I do.

Streets of San Francisco.

She was even on The Brady Bunch.

And she was gonna be the
replacement for Kate Jackson

in Charlie's Angels, but
the network would not allow

Aaron Spelling to hire her due
to, not because of the drugs

but because of the Playboy,

because of her Playboy
background, so ...

And she got very upset by that.

She started taking
acting lessons again.

She went out on some auditions.
She tried to get off drugs.

But she kept getting
into these relationships

with very controlling men that
she would end up despising,

and the last toxic
relationship she was in

involved a Beverly Hills
real estate millionaire

named Stan Herman and on the
morning of October Third, 1979,

she got into her
white Volkswagen Bug,

and she set out for Stan
Herman's house in Malibu.

She was going there to
collect all her stuff

because she just
broke up with him,

and she crossed
over the center lane

on the Pacific Coast Highway,

and she was struck
head on by a pickup.

So that little VW
Bug just crumpled,

and she was trapped
inside for 15 minutes

and she was pronounced
dead at the scene.

And everybody said it
was especially tragic

because she was getting
her life together.

She had four film
offers with lead roles.

Roger Corman especially
said she was not

just a beautiful woman,
that she had actually

become a very good actress
by the end of her life.

Anyhow, nobody knows for
sure why she crossed over

the center line, but
she probably fell asleep

is the general
diagnosis of that.

So sad.

But we honor her tonight.

[Darcy] Yes we do.

And in the role that
was her breakthrough.

All right, so keep sending
in those donations,

and tell them what they
can buy, Claudia [laughs].

Well, we have this
Last Drive-In tote bag

at the $50 level.

This shirt,

yeah,

at the $100 level,

and the hoodie,

for 150.

And also we're
continuing to raise money

for the National
Greyhound Foundation,

which rescues thousands
of dogs every year.

And I'm gonna go ahead
and add our final charity

for Christmas, which is the
Appalachia Service Project.

Now people in the North
call it Appalatia.

But people in the South
call it Appalachia.

So I'm gonna use Appalachia
because we're talking about

the part of it that's been
the poorest place in America

for 130 years, statistically.

And what the Appalachia
Service Project does

is they repair rickety
broken-down houses

that are literally
falling apart.

You know, when the
building can't be saved

or made safe, they
will build new ones.

But that picturesque old
wooden house with the big porch

that's leaning to one side
that they use in the tourist

photos of Appalachia
is not so picturesque

if you live there, so this
is like Jimmy Carter's

Habitat for Humanity
but with the added focus

that they go in there with
plumbers and carpenters

and handymen and they repair.

They don't just build
a new house every time.

And I especially like
the motto of the founder

of the organization,
Tex Evans, who said,

we accept people
right where they are,

just the way they are,

which is a version of our
motto here at Last Drive-In.

Okay, what do we got
left to auction off?

All right, here's what we have.

This oversized heavy wooden
device comes from a fan

who wanted to help out
the charity auction.

He has burned into
the wood images of me,

Darcy, Yuki and Ernie, and it
has a Wheel of Fortune-type

arrow that's used to pick
what movie your group

is gonna watch on
any given night.

At least that's
what we think it is.

[Darcy] Seems right.

But thank you, John
"Chainsaw Jack" McBride, MD,

Dr. McBride, who has
very generously offered

to buy it back if it goes
for less than $1,000.

And, by the way, it's
signed by all of us,

signed by me and Darcy and Ernie
and Yuki are gonna sign it.

So bids start at 1,000.

And I don't really
understand this device.

I'm not sure I do either.

But it's very huge.

And it's signed by everybody.

Okay, so good
luck with this one.

You taught me that
we should always

be optimistic about the product.

All right, my God, we are
gonna make so much money

and make somebody so
happy with this device.

You know what'd make
more money, though?

Tell me.

Re-create the Gator Bait
poster in those shorts.

That would make more money.

Consider it done.

Plus, our charity is
in the redneck South,

just like the movie.

And you know, South
Carolina, where you're from,

Louisiana, same thing.

It's not the same thing.

Well it's close.
Similar athleisure wear.

What does that mean?

[laughing]

You belong on that
poster is what that means.

Aw.

[soft music]

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

[bells ringing softly]

[birds chirping]

She's been through here, Pa.

Looks like she wants
us to find her.

[engine starting and sputtering]

Over there.

[engine stopping]

There's another one.

All right, just like a road map.

We got her now, Pa.

Turn back, T.J. She's
making it too easy.

That gal's too dang smart
to be making stupid mistakes

like this for no reason.

She's got something
up her sleeve.

You can get out any
time you want, Joe Bob.

But I'm gonna get that gal.

Pa.

Pa, look right over there.

Yeah.

She's as pretty as her Ma.

[Pete] Sure is. What's
the matter with that gal,

showing us up like that?

Don't she know we can see her?

She knows.

Pa, I can't wait to get
my hands on that girl.

[Pete] What are
we waiting for?

We aint gonna be sitting
here on our asses all day.

Get going.

[engine starting]

[engine racing]

[upbeat chase music]

[Billy Boy] Come on, Pa,
get it moving. Let's go.

[Joe Bob] Get it going,
hell, I'm bogged down.

[T.J.] We're gonna
fix that right now.

Billy Boy, get out.

[Billy Boy] Get out where?

Take it easy with that gun,
Mr. Bracken. I'm going.

Shit!

[T.J.] You're next, Sheriff.

[Joe Bob] Are you crazy, T.J.?

Yeah, I may be crazy.
Get in the water!

Leroy, get in.

[Pete laughing]

Shut up!

Leroy, get in that water!

Get to work, Pete.

Let's go after and get her.

Yeehaw!

[upbeat chase music]

Shit.

Reckon that droopy
old bastard's gonna
leave us out here?

No, he aint gonna
leave us out here.

He left his son, Leroy,
he'll come back for that.

[upbeat chase music]

We gonna lose her.

Come on, boy, get her moving.

Can't you get more
power outta that motor?

[upbeat music]

Faster!

[upbeat banjo music]

Come on now, boy.

[upbeat banjo music]

Dammit, can't you get it going?

[upbeat banjo music]

[engines fading]

We got her now, Pa.
We got her, ooh hoo hoo.

[T.J.] She aint going nowhere
now, Pete. That's for sure.

[gun cocking]

What the hell's she doing?

[gun firing]

[tree creaking]

Get outta here!

[engines racing]

[gun firing]

Damn, look at that wildcat go!

She gonna kill herself.

Yeehaw!

[engine racing]

[upbeat banjo music]

I'll be damned.

Tell you one thing, boy.

Her old pappy's sure given
that kid a lotta guts.

Wasn't all he
gave her either, Pa.

He's probably got her by now.

You heard that shot a little
while ago, didn't you?

Like hell he did!
Here she comes now!

She's gonna kill us.

[engine racing]

Here she comes. Pa!

Pa!

[gun firing]

She's gonna kill me!

[gun firing]

[guns firing]

[upbeat banjo music]

Bitch!

You!

[engine racing]

I'm gonna get you!

Damn!

[flames crackling]

Y'all see the way she
drove that boat today?

She's some wildcat.

I'd like to get
me a gob of that.

When that sun goes
down, it chills off.

It was cold out there today.

Toss me one of those.
Couple at least.

Look, T.J., we're gonna
have to head back tomorrow.

We're damn near outta grub.

Just have to go
hunting, Joe Bob.

[frogs croaking]

[Billy Boy] Did I hear
something about using

Desiree for gator bait?

Old Matthew used to
tie a rope around little

Desiree's waist and
throw her in the bayou.

And then when them
gators come real close,

snapping at her heels, he'd
shoot them in the head.

Some say he did that
once with her ma.

Remember, Sheriff?

Yeah, I remember.

That old bastard.

I'll bet Desiree
remembers too.

Remembers what, Pa?

Nothing. Eat your dinner, boy.

Come on, Pa, remembers what?

Come on, Pa, tell me.

Go on, Joe Bob. Tell him.

You're a fine, law-abiding
citizen. Come on, tell him.

Tell him how you screwed
around with Desiree's ma.

How her old man, Matthew
Thibodeau, caught y'all.

Ran you out.

Used her for gator bait.

And you shot him.

That was an accident, T.J.

You know that.

Bullshit.

It was murder.

And Desiree just
stood there watching.

No wonder you
wanted me to keep away

from that gal all these years.

You afraid she was gonna
tell somebody something?

Yeah, he was afraid she'd
tell somebody all right.

Maybe that there
judge'd like to hear

all about that accident.

Shut up, T.J.!

You listen to me, and
you listen real good.

You've held this shit
over my head for 12 years.

That's all over.

By God, I'm still the law here.

And when I get outta this mess,

things are damn sure
gonna be different.

Is that clear?

If you get out.

I never wanted a woman
so much in my whole life.

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

[spitting]

[snoring]

Stole our food.

Water.

[gun clicking]

She coulda cut our throats.

T.J.?

If we do catch this girl,

I'm not gonna set by and
let you kill her, you hear?

I hear you, Sheriff.

Yeah, Pa.

Besides, Pete wouldn't
like that too well.

Pete wouldn't like it?

He wants to marry that girl.

[laughs] He what?

He wants that girl real bad.

No bragging kin of
mine is gonna marry

no half-breed Cajun, you hear?

Pete?

Pete Bracken!

Get your ass over here!

He can't hear you, Pa.

He went after her
early this morning.

Well why in hell
didn't you stop him?

I told you, he wanted
that woman real bad.

Well you know she'll kill him.

I oughta whip your
ass good, boy.

You won't, though,
because I aint never

gonna let you whip me again.

Come on, let's go.

He aint that far ahead
of us. We'll find him.

[slow banjo music]

Psst.

[banjo music]

[groaning]

Here I be. You killed
my sister, Julie.

It won't be easy for you.

Swamp take care of you.

Well that wasn't the
most impressive swamp girl

kung fu kick to the face,
but you knew she was gonna

dispatch poor Pete, because,
like all the men in the movie,

the deeper into
the swamp he goes,

the more disoriented
he seems to be.

Pete was played by Don Baldwin.

Wasn't really a
professional actor.

He was somebody the
picked up locally

in the Shreveport area,
and the guy who was

a professional actor is
Sheriff Joe Bob Thomas.

That's Bill Thurman, who
worked all through the '60s

into the '90s, always
playing rednecks.

Including in a lotta
big pictures like
Sugar Land Express.

He was the hillbilly hunter.

Close Encounters
of the Third Kind,

he was an air traffic
controller in that.

And most memorably
in my opinion,

he was the abusive football
coach in The Last Picture Show.

He was the husband
of Cloris Leachman.

Not to mention the sheriff
in the Bigfoot movie,

Creature From Black Lake.

And he was the boozy preacher
in Mountaintop Motel Massacre.

He was the doomed hitchhiker
in Keep My Grave Open.

Whole host of roles in
Larry Buchanan films.

I'm not gonna go
into Larry Buchanan,

but he was the ultra-low-budget
Dallas filmmaker,

and he used Bill Thurman
over and over and over again

in movies like Mars Needs Women

and Curse of the Swamp Creature

and Zontar, the
Thing From Venus.

And also Sheriff Joe Bob's
son, Deputy Billy Boy,

is played by Clyde
Ventura, who would appear

in very few films, but he
would end up in Los Angeles

as a famous theater director
and an acting teacher.

He was actually the
principal teacher

at Actors Studio West Coast.

But he was born in New
Orleans, and his claim to fame

is he was considered
a master director

of Tennessee Williams plays.

You wouldn't know
old Deputy Billy Boy

had it in him, would you?

And sadly, he died
of AIDS in 1990,

when he was just 54 years old.

I love these boat chase
scenes in Caddo Lake.

Remember when we
went to Caddo Lake

to search for the
Boggy Creek monster?

I will never forget it.

And I forced you
to get into a canoe

and explore the swamp?

[Darcy] Yeah, you were cruel.

Yes I was.

Caddo Lake is kind of a
character in this movie.

As Desiree says to Pete after
she kicks him in the face,

I'm leaving you to the swamp.
The swamp will get you.

She doesn't have to
actually kill anybody.

She just lets nature
deal with the scum,

turning human scum
into pond scum.

Okay, we're still raising money

for the Appalachia
Service Project.

Their slogan is, quote, to
inspire hope and service

through volunteer home
repair and replacement

in Central Appalachia, which
as I pointed out before

is a region up in the
mountains that ranks

dead last in poverty and has
been dead last for 130 years,

which is when they started
keeping records on poverty.

So, buy some junk from
us here, or bid on one

of our auction items and
help some people out.

Don't call it junk.

I'm sorry.

[crew laughing]

Buy this exquisite Last
Drive-In tote bag, for 50 bucks.

Or this hoodie for 150 bucks.

And Felissa Rose will
model the hoodie for us.

Felissa, are you there?

Yes, yes, I'm here. And
I'm raring to go, Joe Bob.

Wear this hoodie
as a mini dress,

and we will sell a
lot more of them.

Please.

I'm all about it, Joe Bob.

- All right.
- Don't encourage him.

Thank you, Felissa.

Some people in this room
know how to sell things.

Designed as a tribute to
the Felissa Rose character

in Sleepaway Camp, this
anatomically correct Angela Doll

was two years in the making,

thanks to the tireless
efforts of a fan.

It's signed by
Felissa Rose herself.

And I don't remember
who the fan is,

but Felissa, what is
the deal with this doll?

The doll has a dick.

[crew laughing]

Well we said
anatomically correct.

Actually, I saw the dick.

I think it's more
of an approximation

of the dick in Sleepaway Camp.

Oh no, that's
definitely my dick.

Okay, well you're
the expert on dicks,

especially your own
dick, so where should

we start in the bidding, though?

It's priceless.

Okay, I'm gonna say 500 bucks.

Are you watching
the movie with us?

Did you enjoy the
part where Leroy's gun

becomes limp and broken?

Nobody likes a limp
and broken gun, Joe Bob.

Except it's Leroy.
Of course not.

But you know, I can imagine,
Felissa, what is going on

back there with your
sexy phone calls.

Oh my God, you
should hear what people

are saying on this sexy phone.

Well, you know, you
advertise yourself

as the dick expert, what
do you expect [laughs]?

I love it.

Oh, do you have any
redneck shorts, Felissa?

You know, I'm more
of like a miniskirt

and heels kinda girl.

[Joe Bob] All right, well how
about mini hoodie and heels?

Can you do that?

Yes, I can.

Okay, Felissa, I'm
gonna hold you to it.

You're awful.

I know I'm awful.

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

You guys.

[bells ringing softly]

[water lapping]

[Leroy] Pete's hat.

[Joe Bob] That don't
look good at all.

[T.J.] Can't be
too far from here.

Looks like he
went up that way.

What's that?

[gun firing]

Don't touch him!
Don't touch him.

Don't nobody touch him.

God.

Get these off him.

Why, Pete, why?

Why didn't you listen to me?

I told you not to
go off on your own.

Everybody said you was tetched.

But I ...

I loved you just the same.

I'm gonna kill her, Sheriff.

And all her Cajun kinfolk.

I promise you.

Now hold on, T.J.
That's not gonna help any.

[birds singing]

We're gonna die in this swamp.

Shut up, Billy Boy.

We aint gonna die.

We might get lost,
but we aint gonna die.

You know, coonie
didn't get my ass

lost in these swamps,
tell you that.

Don't worry about it.

I'm gonna mark us a trail.

I don't know.
This is her swamp.

To her, it's a living
thing. It feeds her.

Why she knows this like
the back of her hand.

You're right, T.J.
She is leading us.

Sounds like you're scared, Pa.

You aint shitting, I'm scared.

She's gonna kill our asses.

That gal's the hunter
now. We're the hunted.

[guns firing]

Where in the hell is she?

[gun firing]

[upbeat banjo music]

Make a run for it, T.J.!
She's gonna kill us all!

We're sitting ducks!

[gun firing]

[shouting]

[gun firing]

[groaning]

Boy, she's having
herself a time.

Where's Billy Boy?

He got himself shot.

Shot?

Well you're a brave son of a
bitch. Why didn't you help him?

You think I'm gonna
get myself killed

over helping him, you're crazy.

I'm going back after him.

He's probably dead.

Sheriff, she's
gonna get you too.

Billy Boy!

She came back, Pa.
To see if I was dead.

She just looked at me, and left.

Easy, boy, easy. We'll
get you outta here.

[Leroy] I told you he's dead.

He aint dead yet.

Help me get him
back to the boat.

[Leroy] Pa, we aint
gonna take him with us.

It'll slow us down!

You think not?

Pick him up.

Pick him up!

Do like he says, boy.

I aint getting his
blood on my coat.

I'll tell you that right now.

I don't give a damn
where you get it!

Get that boy on your back!

You can put your
gun away now, Sheriff.

Go on, T.J., I don't
trust you behind my back.

[crickets chirping]

[owl hooting]

[birds singing]

Pa?

Don't let me die
in this swamp, Pa.

I won't, boy.

I'll get you out, if I
have to carry you myself.

Okay?

[water splashing]

Shit, look what
she's done this time.

Pa?

Pa?

Pa?

Pa.

She done it again.

She got the boats.

She's gonna kill us yet.

Hey.

Damn, might do that.

Well it's a long walk back.

Leroy, give me a
hand with Billy Boy.

Bullshit, I aint
carrying him another step.

You don't think I'm gonna
leave him here, do you?

He's as good as dead, Joe Bob.

Never get outta this swamp
alive carrying dead weight.

Uh-uh!

Leroy, you pick that boy up or
I'm gonna blow your head off.

Pretty harsh words, Sheriff.

You know I can take
you all by myself.

Uh-uh.

Just you try it.

I'll put a hole through
you bigger than the one

Billy Boy put through Ben.

What is that you said?

You told me Desiree killed Ben!

She didn't.

Billy Boy shot him when he
was trying to get in the boat.

Well why in the hell
didn't you tell me?

We coulda saved Pete
and that little gal!

It was either
Pete or Billy Boy!

Now it's gonna be
either you, or me.

[gun cocking]

[birds chirping]

I'm gonna kill you
with my bare hands.

[screaming]

[groaning]

[punches striking]

[groaning]

[punches striking]

[groaning]

[punch striking]

[punch striking]

[groaning]

[punches striking]

[groaning]

[punches striking]

[groaning]

[punch striking]

[water bubbling]

[grunting]

Where's my Pa?

Hey.

Hey!

Hey, where you going?

Huh?

Hey, take me, please.

[T.J.] Let's get
on home, Leroy.

Aint you tired of killing?

[Leroy] Not until I get her.

She aint never gonna let
us get outta here alive,

unless we get her first.

Where's my Pa?

Where's my Pa?

[alligator hissing]

Hey!

And so the gator emerges
outta the brackish water,

presumably to eat
the drowned sheriff.

This was a true drive-in movie.

This was from the days of what
they called subdistribution.

The country was
divided into regions.

For example, for Gator Bait,

there were only 20
prints of the movie.

So you would play the movie
in 20 theaters for a week,

then you'd move it to another
region for the next week,

and sometimes it would
take two to three years

to make it all the way
around the country.

The last places you would
play would be New York

and Los Angeles because
you didn't really want

your film to be reviewed
by the highbrow critics.

And in the case of Gator Bait,

Beverly Sebastian would
do extensive research.

She would map out
all of the drive-ins

in the next region
they were going to

and decide which ones were
the best for the movie.

She did a great job.

The budget on Gator
Bait was $70,000,

and it made $15 million
at the box office.

Made so much money that
it caught the attention

of Paramount Pictures,
and they bought out all

the ancillary rights
and then they hired

Ferd and Beverly
Sebastian to make

several more movies for them.

And I still say most of
the success of the flick

was due to the poster,
featuring Claudia Jennings,

brilliantly cosplayed by
Darcy, thank you, Darcy.

But can it compare to this?

[laughing]

Felissa, all right,
thank you, Felissa.

I think we just sold
100 more hoodies.

That's why I did it.

I want some more money
for those greyhounds.

Yeah, and you
turned it around.

You put the zipper in the back.

Genius, okay [laughs].

We are still raising
money for the greyhounds.

Beverly Sebastian is founder
of the National Greyhound

Foundation, but also the
Appalachian Service Project,

the National Coalition
Against Domestic Violence,

and First Book, a children's
literacy project that provides

reading materials
for kids who couldn't

otherwise afford them.

And since Felissa
modeled the hoodie,

and since it's getting
close to the end

and we need to sell a lot
more tote bags and shirts

and hoodies, I asked
Darcy after the last break

if she would model
the shirt, and so ...

Okay.

You girls stay
together. Thank you.

Dig down into your
pockets, guys.

I wanna break the
record from last year,

which is just a measly $44,000.

Let's put this baby over the top

and put the moss
back in Christ-moss.

So don't make me, don't
make me pose in a tote bag.

Ooh, that's a good idea.

I already tried
it. It's scratchy.

[laughing]

Do you have pictures of that?

Austin does, I told him to
destroy them, but he's over

there charging people 10
bucks to look at them.

Worth it. I want it.

All right, let's
get back to the movie.

Will T.J. and
Leroy kill Desiree,

or will Desiree win the Battle
of the Techno Prisoner Swamp?

Let's find out in the
stunning conclusion to

Gator Bait.

Okay, guys, I want some
big charity bucks for this.

This is my original Night of
the Living Dead one-sheet,

from 1968, with
four of the original

cast members' signatures on it.

It does not have Dwayne Jones,
because he was already dead

by the time I got it signed.

But, come on, this is the movie
that defined modern horror.

I want the very first bid on
this to be a thousand bucks.

Whoa, that is bold.

[Joe Bob] You
don't agree with me?

I mean, I do.

We've never shown Night
of the Living Dead.

I think we should
show that, right,

because we gotta do
it one of these days.

Let's do it for
our 100th episode.

Our 100th episode?

What, in 2026 or
something like that?

No, it's next season.

Our 100th movie.

[Joe Bob] You're kidding.

Mm-mm.

We've done this 100 times?

[Darcy] Yeah, and we need
to do something special.

Doesn't every horror
host show in America

use Night of the Living Dead?

Yeah, they do because
it's public domain.

So is there
anything left to say

about Night of the Living Dead?

I know you'll
think of something.

All right, Austin, can we
show Night of the Living Dead

for our 100th movie on Shutter?

[Austin] Uh, you know,
I'll have to check.

Public domain, it's free.

[Austin] All right,
yeah, yeah, we can show it.

Thank you.

I feel like singing
Born Free now.

[chuckling]

[Austin] Negative.

Can I sing the first
two notes of Born Free?

[Austin] Uh, not without
calling a lawyer, no.

♪ Born free

[laughing]

What, did that cost $20,000?

So, but we are showing
Night of the Living Dead

for our 100th movie?

Somebody has to take
charge around here, okay?

[Austin] Yeah, it's not you.

- Ooh.
- What'd you say?

[Austin] Nothing. Nothing.

[chuckling]

You know what?

I'm gonna ignore that
because it's Christmas.

And Christmas is a miracle.

And so are you.

[upbeat music]

[bells ringing softly]

[birds chirping]

[birds calling]

[birds chirping]

[Leroy] I think we lost
her, Pa. She aint around here.

Aint lost her for
long. Just keep looking.

Keep a sharp lookout, Son.

[birds chirping]

[gun firing]

Pa, there she is.

She's right there
in front of you.

Leroy, keep going
through them there woods.

I'll go down through the
swamp, catch her between us.

Let's go.

Right, Pa.

[T.J.] Keep going,
Leroy. We got her now!

Oh boy.

[soft mysterious music]

[Desiree] How you be,
Leroy? Been a long time.

Remember?

I aint forgot.

[Desiree gasping]

Well.

It'll certainly be a little
different this time, Desiree.

[groaning]

Bitch!

[groaning]

No, not no more.

[groaning]

[moaning]

[groaning]

[groaning]

Bitch!

Now let's have some more.

I want some more.

Yeah.

You rest easy there now.

[birds chirping]

That's it.

Ha.

[birds singing]

Now.

We're even, swamp.

Coonie.

[gun cocking]

[gun firing]

[gasping]

[bird calling]

[birds chirping]

Yeehaw!

Where's Leroy?

Oh no.

You see Leroy no
more. He never come.

[gun splashing]

[whip splashing]

Go ahead and kill me.

I got nothing to
live for now anyway.

Go ahead and get it
over with. Kill me.

Worse for you.

I let you live.

If you get out.

[birds chirping]

Desiree, you're
just like your ma.

You knew my ma?

Where do you think
you get that red hair?

[chuckling]

I'm your pa. Didn't
your ma ever tell you?

[laughing]

My pa's dead.

Come on, Big T, we go home.

[soft music]

[upbeat banjo music]

♪ Catch a rainbow tipping by

♪ Kiss the sun, embrace
the sky, Desiree ♪

♪ Catch a rainbow skipping by

♪ Kiss the sun,
embrace the sky ♪

♪ Desiree

You know, of
all the disturbing
moments in Gator Bait,

including the murder
of Desiree's sister,

I think the gross-out
sequence is there at the end

when Leroy gets the upper
hand against Desiree

and he starts kissing her.

The way he does that is,
well it just makes the moment

of the rifle-toting
tongue-less brother coming

to her rescue all
the more satisfying.

I think it's also
a brilliant stroke

to leave T.J. raging in
the unpredictable swamp

instead of killing
him at the end.

Beverly Sebastian
is a great writer,

who had a major
influence on what was

sneeringly called Hicksploitation
movies in the '70s,

mostly because of this movie.

Actually, two movies
started that trend.

Deliverance was the
big-budget version,

and Gator Bait was
the one that generated

probably 100 redneck dramas.

It's interesting that
when Beverly set out to be

a screenwriter, mostly so
that she and Ferd could

make movies more cheaply.

The first three movies they
made, it was just the two

of them, they were
the entire crew.

And the actors
outnumbered the crew

sometimes by a factor of six.

So when she set
out to be a writer,

she applied to the
Famous Writers School.

The Famous Writers School was
this correspondence school

that they advertised
on late-night TV,

and when you applied to it,
they gave you an aptitude test.

And then they sold
you writing classes.

Well they told Beverly she
failed the aptitude test.

Nobody fails the aptitude test.

But did that discourage her?

Her response to the guy
who called her on the phone

was, well, I'll see you
on the silver screen.

So 15 movies later, the
Famous Writers School

was bankrupt, but
Beverly was not.

There was a Gator
Bait Two in 1988,

but of course Claudia
Jennings was dead by then,

and so Ferd found an
actress named Jan Duncan,

who changed her name to
Jan McKenzie for the movie,

and whose name today
is Jan Sebastian,

because she married
Ben Sebastian, better
known as the guy

with the bullet through
his head in the first scene

of the movie we just watched.

But Gator Bait Two Cajun
Justice didn't make

much of an impact, it
was pretty much ignored.

But it had a little
bit of life on cable,

and then Jan McKenzie
also starred in another

Ferd and Beverly movie, a
female wrestling picture

called American Angels
Baptism of Blood,

but that was her entire career.

The other Ferd and Beverly
Sebastian movie that people

still talk about
is Rocktober Blood,

about a crazed rockstar
who returns from the dead

to murder members of his band.

And I should also
mention Janit Baldwin,

who played Desiree's
younger sister, Julie.

She was in several other
exploitation movies in the '70s,

including Phantom of the
Paradise, Born Innocent,

the women-in-prison movie.

She was Piper Laurie's
daughter in Ruby.

Her last role was
Humongous in 1982,

after which she quit
the business to be
a fashion designer.

Gator Bait is one of the few
redneck movies from the '70s

with true character arcs,
arcs and backstories

for every single character.

I think the sole exception
is the sister of Pete

and Leroy, who's
wearing the slinky dress

while she hangs up the laundry.

She's just there to indicate
that incest is frequent

and more or less
accepted in the world

that we're about
to enter, so ...

Beverly and Ferd
retired from the movies

after making a biker film
called Running Cool in 1993,

and they live today in Florida,
where Beverly continues

to serve as the chairwoman
of the Greyhound Foundation

and Ferd runs a
Christian ministry

that he founded 30 years ago.

A healing ministry, because
when he was 55 years old

the doctors at Cedars Sinai
in LA told him he had to have

part of his heart removed
or else he was gonna die,

and instead he just prayed
about it and was healed.

And so he's 89 years old
now and doing just fine.

So, Darcy, I loved
my Christmas present,

in case you couldn't tell.

I been talking about it ever
since you gave it to me.

One of the rare
times I've done

two cosplays for one movie.

And you were an excellent
gator, and excellent bait.

[crew laughing]

What does that mean?

I'm not sure. I
just, it sounded good.

So, for everybody who gave us
money tonight, we thank you.

The National Greyhound
Foundation thanks you.

First Book thanks you.

The National Coalition Against
Domestic Violence thanks you.

And the Appalachia Service
Project thanks you.

We started out talking
about No Room at the Inn

and how there's always
room at our inn,

and I just wanted to close out
the Christmas message here.

[throat clearing]

Aren't you
forgetting something?

[Joe Bob] What?

I have a letter.

You know, I thought maybe we
wouldn't do a letter tonight

because I was afraid
you would have a letter

and I fear that letter.

It's fan mail.

I know, but you always
give me a tearjerker letter

at Christmas, and
I don't wanna cry.

You're gonna like this one.

Go ahead.

It's from Jake Hubner of
Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

All right.

Hey, Darcy, oh,
it's a letter to you

so I don't have to read it.
- Yes, you do.

I hope this warms both
yourself and Joe Bob.

I just wanted to say a
few words to you two.

This has been a
terrible, terrible year.

And, I think we can
all agree on that.

I haven't seen my 85- and
87-year-old grandmother

or grandfather in almost
a year due to COVID.

They made the smart
decision and have been

hunkering down ever
since the virus hit.

I been doing everything
I can to stay safe,

and that includes rarely
seeing my friends.

This year sucked. It
sucked every single day.

Except the days that you
and Joe Bob are on Shutter.

Those Last Drive-In episodes
have been the escape

that some of us need.

It's one of the few times
my two best friends,

Dale and Jeff, who have
both had their ups and downs

as well, crawl out of
our respective homes

and get together, if we feel
we have been as safe as we can.

Usually, we get
together at my house,

where my partner will
sometimes make us dinner

while we drink beer
and laugh together

as Joe Bob rattles off some
new, sometimes insane rants

and you roll your eyes
at his possible insa ...

How often do you roll your eyes?

Read the letter.

All right, this
is not the first guy

who's talked about eye rolling.

You bring it out to me.

I can't see that
when it happens.

All right, the truth is,
you two give us a reason

to hang out and have a
few hours to be normal.

You help make life more
bearable in what has been

the most depressing fucking year

I have personally
ever been around for.

There were some serious dark
patches in my life this year,

and there were moments when
I thought I just didn't wanna

do it anymore, but then
I knew there would be

a Last Drive-In special
around the corner

and I knew that'd
save my sanity.

You've kept a friendship I
thought might break up alive.

You've given me a reason
to reconnect and love

long-lost friends that were
once just acquaintances.

A reason to drink
beer and raise hell

once a week during
the season run.

And a reason to just keep going.

I know how silly and stupid
it is to think that something

as odd as a TV host and
his co-host and a couple

of forgotten flicks
are to be so important,

but it's the truth.

It's my truth, and I'm
totally okay with that.

I'm a mutant freak, and there's
nothing wrong with that.

Thank you for every
single moment I've spent

with you so far, I
can't wait for me.

We love you guys. Jake,
Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

Okay, not too bad. Nobody
died in this letter.

Right?

Quite a few people
have said similar things

about the shows we cobbled
together during the plague year,

which leads right into my
closing Christmas message.

You have a closing
Christmas message?

[Joe Bob] I do.

I liked it better
when you just impaled me

on reindeer antlers.

Well that was fun too, but
we started with Baby Jesus,

we're gonna close it
out with the Baby Jesus.

The reason we have an open-door
policy at the Last Drive-In,

meaning we love you no
matter who you voted for

or what stupid thing you
said on Twitter in 2014,

is that we don't ever wanna
be the people who send

the Baby Jesus to
the horse trough.

So, keep your doors
open, and we will too.

And that's it. See,
that wasn't too bad.

I can't believe you're done.

Oh, the drive-in
will never die.

I still don't
believe you're done.

No, I'm done.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Although--

Well, I knew it.

What's the difference between
Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

What?

- You don't know?
- Hm-mm.

Santa stops after three hoes.

Oh damn. Dude [laughs].

How is Christmas like
a day at the office?

You do all the work,
and some fat guy

in a suit gets all the credit.

[crew laughing]

Okay, now I believe
you can say you're done.

Three men die
on Christmas Eve,

and St. Peter meets them
at the gates of heaven.

And Peter says, in honor
of this holy season,

you must each possess something
that symbolizes Christmas

to get into heaven.

So the first man fumbles
through his pockets

and he pulls out a lighter
and he flicks it on.

And he says, this
represents a candle.

And Peter says, very
well, you may pass

through the Pearly Gates.

The second man reaches into
his pockets and he pulls out

a set of keys and he
starts jingling them.

And he says, they're bells.

And St. Peter says, you
may also enter heaven.

And the third man starts
searching desperately

through his pockets,
and he finally pulls out

a pair of women's panties.

And St. Peter looks
at the guy and says,

and just what do
those symbolize?

The man says, they're Carol's.

[crew laughing]

All right, go on that
one, go on that one.

[crew laughing]

[Austin] All right,
that's a winner.

All right, guys, thank
you for being here.

Yay!

Christmas 2021.

[upbeat music and clapping]

♪ Just like Jerry Lewis

♪ I gotta leave
you with a song ♪

♪ Oh yeah, I have to do this

♪ It's almost time
to say so long ♪

♪ It's true

♪ So don't be blue

♪ I feel the Christmas spirit

♪ I really hope
that you do too ♪

♪ Come gather round to hear it

♪ I think some
gratitude is due ♪

♪ Thank you

♪ And you

♪ So if you feel like
the apocalypse is soon ♪

♪ Remember

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

♪ Christmas is a miracle

Well it's time for the talking
verse, and all I wanna say

is that a telethon is
a thousand miracles,

a million miracles.

Everybody who participated
tonight, whether you're

in Piscataway, New Jersey,
or Grand Junction, Colorado.

Whether you're rich
or poor, old or young,

animal or human,
you're a miracle.

Ernie is a miracle.

Felissa Rose is a miracle.

John Brennan is a miracle.

The Chili Bandit is a miracle.

And of course, Steve
Wilcox is a miracle.

And so are you.

The drive-in will never die.

[upbeat music]