All language subtitles for The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs S14E01 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-WELP_track4_[eng]

[upbeat, twanging music]

♪ Hey everybody, have
you heard the news, ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town

♪ He's over at the
drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's Last
Drive-In Show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kookie fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show

♪ It's gonna be legendary

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show

♪ It's gonna be very scary

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show

♪ Let's go

[upbeat, cheerful music]

[hissing static]

[slow, twangy music]

I'm Joe Bob Briggs
and I am just brimming

with yuletide emotion.

I'm just ready to
stick a candy cane

in a vat of eggnog and fling
it all over a saucy elf.

You know, I'm ready to
go to an office party.

Are office parties back again?

Are they having those?

I'm ready to go
to an office party

and sing, "Grandma Got
Run Over By A Reindeer"

with a Karaoke machine,

while wearing a sweater
with Edmund Gwenn's face

embroidered on the front of it

'cause Edmund Gwenn, he's the
guy who played Chris Kringle

in "Miracle on 34th Street."

But the important thing to
remember this time of year

is that Christmas is all
about hope and optimism

and the idea that the
world can get better.

We don't have to sit around

bitching at one
another all the time.

There's a better way, right?

So tonight, on
The Last Drive-In,

we're gonna do the same
thing we did last year,

we're gonna raise
money for good causes,

causes that move things from
a bad place to a good place,

sometimes from a hateful
place to a love place.

And while we're doing that,

we're gonna celebrate
drive-in culture

because what do we know
about the drive-in?

The drive-in is the place where
everybody is welcome, right?

At the drive-in, the guy
driving a 2006 Ford Fusion

pays the same price
as a guy driving

a 2022 Toyota Tundra
half-ton pickup, right?

Although, if you
drive onto the lot

in one of those GMC Yukon XL's,

I'm gonna send you
to the back row,

not because we don't like ya,

but what if some guy in a Chevy
Spark is parked behind you?

All he's gonna see
is chrome and steel,

he can't even see over
your tires on that thing.

But the drive-in is the place

where there's always
room for one more.

So no matter where you're from

or how you dress or
what you believe,

we might have to squeeze
you in, but we'll do it.

And every once in a while,

we get some fan mail
from people saying,

"How could you have that
person on your show?

"Don't you know who
they give money to?

"Don't you know what they
said on Twitter in 2009?"

But we're all about inviting
everybody to the show,

all races, all
nationalities, all genders,

all political orientations
and what-have-you,

and if somebody
doesn't wanna join us,

that's because they
don't wanna join us,

not because we excluded 'em.

Which leads me to the annual

Joe Bob Briggs
Christmas message.

Now, Darcy's over here wincing

[people laughing]
because she knows

how I don't always stick to
the proper Catholic details

on the Christmas message,

just stay over there
'til I finish, Darcy.

I'm gonna make it short
and sweet this year,

you don't have to worry,
I will not embarrass you.

So, the idea I wanna
talk about this year is

no room at the inn, okay?

The reason the Baby Jesus ends
up being born in a manger,

which is a horse trough,

is that Joseph and
Mary were told,

"There's no room at the inn,

"you gotta just hunker down
over there with the animals."

And this was after
they had walked,

well Joseph walked,
they probably set
Mary up on a donkey,

but that's why we had the
Donkey Rescue Charity last year,

remember that, anyway,

they had this heroic
donkey that they used

to bring Mary to Bethlehem,

not the donkey that we rescued,

but the donkey that
Mary rode in on.

So, Joseph and Mary had
traveled by foot and donkey

all the way from Nazareth.

Do you know how far that is,

using the dirt roads
available at the time?

97 fucking miles!

You know, I don't know
how long that takes

when you're nine
months pregnant,

but I'm thinking you
gotta stop pretty often

and you don't move real fast.

Plus, you know, food, water,
places to take a leak,

places to crash, I think
they're doing great

if they hit 10 miles a day,

which if you do the math on
that, comes out to 10 days,

10 days they've been
trying to get to Bethlehem

and why are they
going to Bethlehem?

Not for any good reason,

just because some
asshole in Rome

said that's where
they have to register

so he can put a tax on 'em.

I mean, come on,
nine months pregnant,

get you out of jury duty
and almost anything else,

so I gotta think Joseph
is, he's pissed off,

by the whole situation.

You know, we're going
down there for what?

You know, plus, you know,

let me show you this,
does somebody have my map

of the Jordan River Valley
in the year four B.C.?

[people laughing]
Austin.

[Austin] No.

You don't have that map?

Stop cringing, Darcy,
it's almost over.

[Darcy laughing]
So, well anyway,

you got, you know, you got
Nazareth up here at the top,

and you got Sumeria over here,

I'm doing it in reverse so you
know what I'm talkin' about,

you got Sumeria down
here on this side

which would be the
most direct route

because the Sumerians
and the Jews

weren't getting along
too great at the time

so they're not
gonna go that way,

they're gonna go old school,

they're gonna come over here

by the flat lands
of the Jordan river,

but that means they gotta
zigzag out to the east

and then go through
the Judean Desert

where it's freezing at night

and sometimes it only gets up
into the 80's during the day,

and then part of this
route is heavily forested

do you've got lions and
bears and wild pigs,

you know, those giant kind
with the wicked tusks on 'em?

And so--
- Hogzilla, hogzilla,

hogzilla, hogzilla.
[people laughing]

Guys, we cannot do the
hogzilla [laughs] chant

in the middle of the
Christmas message, okay?

We need to be serious
here for a minute.

You know, do not disrupt
the Christmas message.

Aren't you ashamed of
yourself for going that?

- Hogzilla?
- All right,

so anyway, they're
carrying some water

and bread and herbs to eat,

maybe some dried
fish or something,

they're trying to
travel only in daylight

'cause you got pirates and
robbers out in the woods,

not to mention, don't
even think about it.

Don't even think about it.

And then listen to this part,

the last 20 miles is uphill.

Once they hit Jericho,
which is like right,

almost to Bethlehem, they
gotta climb 3,500 feet

through rocky desert.

Okay, so they make
it, they hit Bethlehem

in time for the tax
man, and what happens?

No room at the inn, sorry dudes.

Okay, let me start with this,

there's always room at the inn.

Bring me any Hilton
night manager at any
hotel in the world,

bring him to this show,
hook him up to a polygraph,

say, "Do you have rooms
when you're sold out?"

He's got a room.

It might not be a
room he wants to rent,

it might not be convenient for
him to authorize that room,

it might be a VIP room
he's ordered to protect

in case a VIP shows up,
but he's got a room.

You know, but it
gets more sinister

when we go back to the
original Greek in the Bible

'cause the word for inn
is actually kataluma

and that can mean hotel,
like we normally think of it,

but since these were Jews,

they didn't normally
stay in hotels

'cause there were gentiles there

and they didn't mix
with the gentiles

and so it could also be
translated, guest room,

and it was the
tradition at the time

for people to just stay
with their relatives

no matter how distant
those relatives were

and each house had a quote,
guest room, upstairs.

So these might be the
relatives of Joseph saying,

"Sorry, Joe, yeah, we
know you walked 10 days

"with your pregnant
wife, but life is tough

"and Uncle Alister already
took over the guest room.

"So you know what, you
can stay in the stable.

"We don't mind."

And you can imagine what
people are saying to him, like,

"Well you shoulda
got here quicker."

And, you know everybody has
to register for the tax,

what'd you expect?

The rooms are all booked up.

And you know,

immediate family gets
precedence over distant family.

And you know, it'd be
rude to ask another family

to share the same space with
you just because she's pregnant

and why did you move

to Butt Fuck Nazareth
in the first place?

'Cause once people
are comfortable in
their environment,

you know, they don't like
anybody else mucking it up.

And so that's what
everybody did then

and that's what
everybody does now.

So, you know, here's
our little group,

sorry, you can't come in.

It'd be hard on us.

You shoulda thought about that
when you decided to ask us

and so we have these little
pods of people saying,

"No room at the inn, you
don't meet the qualifications,

"you voted for the wrong person,

"you gave money to something
I don't agree with,

"you tweeted the wrong thing,

"find some other place to sleep,

"I don't wanna hear
your sob story."

But the official reason is,
"We'd like to accommodate ya,

"but we just don't have room."

But here's the joke on them,
down there in the stable,

which is probably some
kind of cave with goats

and sheep and donkeys
in it, and chickens,

that's where the party is!

You know, [laughs] the
things we remember,

not the times when
we were full of food

and had the great
house and the great job

and the big, happy family,

the times we remember
when we get kicked out

and lose our job and
we're lonely and weak

and a handful of people say,
"Hey, they're kicking you out.

"That's okay, there's
a party in my stable."

So you take those
memories to your grave.

So a lot of people got
kicked out last year,

a lot of people got told,
"You can't come in here."

And a lot of people said,

"Remember that time my
family got kicked out,

"well I'm gonna kick
out a few people myself

"to get even with 'em."

But we'll never do that
on The Last Drive-In,

'cause remember, there aren't
any verses in the Bible

saying Joseph and Mary
resented walking that 97 miles

and getting cold-shouldered
on their arrival,

they just settled in to
getting the horse trough ready.

So the party, my point is,

the party is not
over on Netflix,

there's no room at that inn,

even though they claim to
be inclusive, you know?

The party is right
here on Shudder,

and The Last Drive-In is
proud to be the stable.

Okay Darcy, you can
come on over now.

Come out of hiding. [laughs]

That was good, aw.
[audience applauding]

People get nervous when
I talk about the Bible--

- Yeah.
- But um,

as I point out every year,

Muslim, Jew, Hindu,
Buddhist, Atheist,

you're still invited
to the party.

The reason I use
the Christmas story

is that's one of our
foundation stories

that everybody can relate to

'cause it's bringing
love into a world

that doesn't
necessarily want love

to be brought into
the world, like today.

So Darcy,

it is time for your
Christmas present.

Aw, thank you.

So remember the first
year Christmas special,

we did all the [laughing]

we did all the Phantasm movies?

Yeah, except for
"Phantasm Two,"

which people will
not let us forget.

Okay, well, people
got upset, like you,

'cause they said, "Those
aren't Christmas movies."

And so the next year,

we had a Christmas
triple feature,

we had "Black Christmas,"
and "Jack Frost,"

and "Silent Night,
Deadly Night Two,"

featuring the guy who
says, "Garbage day."

And you--

You impaled me on antlers.

Right, right, and so,

one of my finer
moments, I think.

One of my finer moments.

[people laugh]
- All right, so,

and people complained
about "Black Christmas"

for reasons that had nothing
to do with us and "Jack Frost,"

'cause they thought
that was a silly movie--

It's so good. [claps hands]

And "Silent Night, Deadly
Night" because it was basically,

we were showing the second one

and it was basically "Silent
Night, Deadly Night One"

with a few extra scenes,

so why didn't we show "Silent
Night, Deadly Night One?"

- They have a good point.
- Then last year,

we decided to show
"Christmas Evil,"

which everybody said was,
"Oh, that's too dark."

And "Dial Code Santa
Claus," which people said,

"You're showing French Christmas
with gall darn subtitles."

You know, provin' that
when it comes to Christmas,

we can't please anybody.

You know, and so this year,
you know what we're gonna do?

Show better movies?

Oh no, we can't do that,
we could never do that.

But, we're gonna keep
it in the family,

we're gonna do a gift exchange.

So I'm gonna present
you with a movie

that you've been asking for--
- Oh!

[Joe Bob] For a long time,
not my favorite movie--

[Darcy shrieks]
but we're gonna

show it to you to
make you happy--

Shut up.

And then, for
the second feature,

you can present me with a movie.

I did get that
memo from Austin

and I have your movie ready

and I'm even gonna
cosplay for you.

So what's my movie?

Okay, well before
we go there--

[Darcy squeals]
[claps hands]

I also need to mention that
this is a telethon tonight--

- Yay.
- So guys,

take your positions
at the phone banks.

We have the Chili Bandit!

[audience applauding]
[Darcy cheering]

Felissa Rose!

Ernie!

John Brennan!

Steve Wilcox!

Where's Yuki?

[Man] He's still in L.A.

Yuki's in L.A.,
building that house

for the Japanese government,
he's still doing that?

[Man] Yeah, he is,
he's got the day off.

He's gonna be on the phones too.

Okay, Yuki's on
a phone right now?

[man talking]
- He's on a phone?

Hey Joe Bob, merry Christmas.

Let's do this!

Okay, all right,
well remember last year

when we raised $44,000
in Christmas money

for the Trevor Project and
Peaceful Valley Donkey Rescue

and National Women's Loss Center

and the Organization
for Autism Research.

Yes, I was amazed
how much we raised.

I know, everybody was amazed

because we were just
auctioning off junk

that was lying around the set.

You know, we thought
it was a joke, so,

and I think the
top dollar getter

was your demons mask, right?
- Yeah,

I think we auctioned off
like 20 items and ranked them

and my 10 items
were one through 10

and yours were 11 through 20.

I don't think that's correct,

I thought I had one, I
had one that beat yours.

Nope, no you didn't.

All right, well whatever,

we're changing up
two things this year,

first of all, the stuff
we're auctioning off

is actually interesting.

It's like real memorabilia.

You mean like your seahorse
belt buckle from last year?

[people laughing]
- You know what?

I got good money for the
seahorse belt buckle,

but a lot of people wanted to
contribute to the charities,

but those auctions got way
out of hand really fast.

Like the first bid would
sometimes be 1,000 bucks--

- That was crazy.
- And

I remember your crew jacket
was several thousand dollars,

right?
- And you're still mad

that I got rid of it, but okay.

[pair laughs]

And so most people
couldn't participate.

I didn't know we had any
viewers that had 1,000 bucks,

but we're connecting, we're
correcting all that this year,

we're still gonna be
doing the auction,

we'll put up an item at
the end of every segment,

you can bid on it by
going to the website

that's listed on
the screen, but also

we have premium items that we
will sell at a fixed price.

The premium items are,

thank you for bringing
'em out, Darcy,

[Darcy] [laughs] My pleasure.

The premium items are,

a Last Drive-In Christmas
Special tote bag

for toting stuff.

Why is it called a tote bag?

Because you tote things in it?

Okay, why the word, tote?

Why do they always say, "Tote?"

Mm, so it won't be confused
with a purse or a backpack?

Okay, and it sure won't,

[Darcy laughs]
'cause

you know, it's kinda flimsy.

So, here it is--
- Aw, it's lovely--

For anybody
contributing 50 bucks

to one of our Christmas
charities, but there's more!

We also have a Last Drive-In
Christmas Special shirt,

made by the famous Fright-Rags
Company of Rochester,

New York--
- Yay!

And with artwork by Justin
Osborne of Saint Louis.

We don't give Justin
enough credit,

Justin does all
those amazing logos

for the Shudder seasons

and you get one of these
babies for a $100 donation.

That is an expensive shirt.

Yes it is, but
it's for charity.

So, have you ever
watched PBS, Darcy?

Mm, does Sesame Street count?

No, I mean, this is
what they do on PBS,

they say, "Do you know
that your donations

"make Ken Burns possible?"

They make you feel guilty,

they think you're responsible
for Ken Burns, they say,

you know, Ken Burns told the
story of the entire Civil War

with just one old,
brown photograph,

he would push in on
it, pull out on it,

pan across it, cut to Shelby
Foote, talking about it,

back to the same photograph,

one bearded Confederate soldier,

he made a whole miniseries and
it's that kind of filmmaking

that we're able to do more of

when you buy this coffee
table book about swans.

What are you talking
about right now?

That's what they
do, swan photography

from the galleries
of Copenhagen,

not available anywhere
but here on PBS.

And so--
- I don't think

that's what they do--
- No, that is what they do,

on PBS and that's
what we are doing.

So call up one of our
operators, standing by,

and if you get John Brennan,

be prepared for a
few F bombs and say,

"I would like to support
original programming

"on The Last Drive-In, like um--

[Man] Hogzilla,
hogzilla, hogzilla.

[people laughing]
- Okay,

I guess yeah, that is the
only original programming

[laughing] we've ever
had on this show.

[Man] Hogzilla!

[laughs] All right,
and then you say,

"Gimme one of them
tote bags," you know,

"gimme some stuff, I
need to tote some stuff."

And they ring you up for
a contribution, but wait!

There is more!
- There's more?

Yeah, you knew there was more,

we have a Last Drive-In
Christmas Special hoodie!

The same picture is on the back,

the same drawing is on the back.

Why is it called a hoodie?

'Cause it has a hood on it?

I think they call it a
hoodie 'cause the style of it

identifies your hood,
where you're from.

I don't think
that's why. [laughs]

And where you're from,

if you give us 150 bucks,
is the Last Drive-In,

you were at the highest
level of Drive-In mutandom,

you get the tote bag,
where is the tote?

The tote bag, the
shirt, and the hoodie,

you could actually,
I'll prove it,

you could actually stuff both
your shirt and your hoodie

inside the tote bag and,
I learned all this on PBS,

and you could rock the
promenade on the weekends.

What does that mean?

You know, you'd be
struttin' on the avenue

with your tote bag, you
know, everybody would go,

"Why is he high steppin'?

"Oh yeah, he got one of them
Last Drive-In tote bags.

"I bet there's a
hoodie inside there.

So--
- All right,

I think you've explained
the premiums pretty well.

- What premiums?
- These.

Oh, these are the premiums.

These are called
premiums and if you donate

to any of our charities
at one of these levels,

you get a premium.

Okay, so you get a tote
bag, a hoodie and a shirt,

is what you get.
- Right.

I'll explain it to you later.

Okay, so ready
for your present?

[shrieks] Yes--

- All right--
- What is it, what is it?

You're nervous?

Mmm, I'm hopeful.

All right, and by the way,

our charity for this segment
is called First Book.

We wanted a children's charity

in keeping with the
Baby Jesus theme,

and this is a Washington
D.C. based organization

that gets books into
the hands of children

who can't afford books.

It started out in 1992 as a
way to give disadvantaged kids

the opportunity to read
and own their first book

and since then, they have
distributed 200,000,000 books,

but they've also been all over

the low income
communities in the country

with these after-school
programs and summer programs

and early childhood education
programs and libraries

and community support
programs, military programs,

they're reaching about
5,000,000 kids a year,

but they can always get bigger.

So First Book, get a tote bag,

give it to a kid, the
tote is First Book.

Okay Darcy, you
should be nervous

because look at those
phones light up,

look at that, I
can already tell,

we're gonna run
out of tote bags.

[people laughing]
So Darcy,

I present you with the
ultimate Christmas gift--

[Darcy shrieks]
"Ice Cream Man!"

[people chuckle]
- Okay.

[phones ringing]
Thank you.

That's cool. [laughs]

- Ah!
- It's not what I thought

you were gonna say, but I
do love "Ice Cream Man."

Okay, well we're
gonna reward you

as the world's biggest
Clint Howard supporter.

Would you call this Clint
Howard's masterpiece?

Absolutely, yeah.

Okay well, very flawed
movie, very confusing movie,

in my opinion, but--
- In your opinion.

Yeah, but okay, stick with me

because I'm gonna have a
lot of questions to ask you

as we advance through
the troubled plot

of the 1995 box office flop--

That's because
it was mishandled.

That's what they always say
when it's a box office flop,

the 1995 turkey,
"Ice Cream Man,"

starring Clint Howard
as a creepy guy

in a beat up ice cream truck

who roams through
the neighborhoods,

skewering the populace
and incorporating them

into his ice cream concoctions.

You may not realize this,

but you can put anything
in a rocky road hard pack

in a waffle cone and nobody's
ever gonna notice. [laughs]

If you know what I mean
and I think you do.

It's a tour-de-force performance

by the man who wowed The Last
Drive-In audience last season

with his star turn as
the devil worshiping,

military school kid
in "Evil Speak,"

Clint does creepy
better than most

and the level of creep here
is truly inspirational.

Backed by a supporting cast
of international stars,

like David Warner,
Olivia Hussey,

Jan-Michael Vincent, Sandahl
Bergman, David Naughton,

Steve Garvey, [laughs]
yes, that Steve Garvey

with a cameo by the porn
superstar, Tory Wells--

- Yay!
- This is the first

and probably the only
movie made for children

that features the
idea that ice cream

might not be just for children,

children might be in
the ice cream. [laughs]

In fact, I think there's
a scene where Clint

slams the freezer on a kiddy's
capture and then he says,

"You're ice cream now."

So, getting into some
dangerous territory here.

You're reading way
too much into it.

Well let the
Drive-In mutants decide

what I'm reading into it,
but Darcy, merry Christmas.

Thank you.

And let's look at
those Drive-In totals.

We have seven dead
bodies, one dead dog,

with meat grinding, extreme
closeup eyeball chewing,

ice cream bucket facial,
worm-infested ice cream flavors,

supermarket chase scene
with grocery cart escape,

one ice cream drive-by,
body-part ice cream,

ice cream parlor ax smashing,
deadhead puppet show,

waffle iron face burning,
multiple child kidnapping,

eyeball in a jar,
machete to the bimbo,

multiple needles to the brain,

cultish graveyard ice cream
ceremony for the dead,

zombie psycho ward gang fight,
icepick through the head,

full-body ice
cream vat grinding,

gratuitous Pied
Piper references,

gratuitous plastic daisies,
gratuitous David Naughton,

gratuitous Sandahl Bergman,
gratuitous racketeering,

heads roll, Kung Fu,
Lee Majors Junior Fu,

Stigmata Fu, fake bird call fu,

plush toy fu, ice
cream scoop fu,

Drive-In Academy
Award nominations for

Clint Howard, in the
title roll for saying,

"You little turds are
gonna have to learn,

"you can't run from the
Ice Cream Man." [laughs]

JoJo Adams as Tuna, for dropping
his ice cream in the dirt,

but eating it anyway.

Andrea Evans as the local
amusement park ride who says,

"I'll have a gallon
of your hard-pack."

E.E. Bell as the
loony doctor who says,

"There are no bad days, Gregory,

"only happy, happy, happy days."

David Warner as the
minister whose palms bleed

for no apparent reason.

Mikey Le Beau as small Paul,

the Stockholm
Syndrome kidnap victim

from the elementary school.

Olivia Hussey as Nurse
Wharton, recently retired

from the Wishing Well Hospital
For the Mentally Disturbed.

Jan-Michael Vincent as a cop

for successfully getting
through a whole movie

with a single facial expression

and Norman Apstein,
the director,

for hanging from the
rafters in a straight jacket

and regretting directing the
movie for the rest of his life.

[people laughing]

Three stars, Joe Bob
says, check it out.

No way.

Okay, because it's
Christmas, four stars,

Darcy says, check it out.

I'm doing muy best not
to trash the movie.

"Ice Cream Man,"
"Ice Cream Man--"

[Man] Hogzilla, hogzilla--

"Ice Cream Man!"

- Hogzilla.
- "Ice Cream Man."

Hogzilla, hogzilla, hogzilla--

- Hogzilla--
- I don't even know

what's going on here anymore.

So let's just,

oh, you know what we have to
do before we go to the movie,

we have to put up the
first auction item.

So here it is, our
first item in the 2021

Last Drive-In Christmas
auction is the script

I used as State Trooper Joe Bob

in the Mitt Gariss
mini-series, "The Stand,"

written by Stephen King,
and as you can see,

this version has a blue cover,

indicating it had all
big Steve's changes

up to the shooting date
of January 8th, 1993,

and for some reason, I
signed it way back when.

I don't know why I signed it.

I think it was a tradition at
the time to sign your script.

Anyway, we're gonna
start the bidding

on this obscure Drive-In
artifact at 100 bucks.

It has no wild pigs in it.

[Man] Hogzilla,
hogzilla, hogzilla--

"Ice Cream Man,"
"Ice Cream Man."

[sighs] All right, guys,
can we just go to the movie?

You're not supposed to talk
during the Christmas message,

you're not supposed to talk
during the auction item

on a pedestal voiceover, okay?

[Man] Hogzilla.

[Darcy holding in a laugh]

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

John what, what are you doing?

I'm sorry man, I was just
feeling the Christmas spirit.

Okay.

[Joe Bob sighs]
[twinkling music]

[hissing static]

[twinkling, dramatic music]

[guns blasting]
[wheels screeching]

[people screaming]
[guns blasting]

[ice cream man thunks]
[gurgles]

[guns blasting]
[wheels screeching]

[birds chirping]

[dramatic, orchestral music]
[baby crying]

Oh my God, Gregory!

Oh my God, my baby! [gasping]

Are you all right?

Oh, say something.

[Gregory] Mom?

[Mom] Yes, what is it,
my little [voice fades]

I'm just gonna bring
the ice cream, mommy.

[people chattering]
[birds chirping]

[dramatic, orchestral music]

[dramatic music]
[game controller clicking]

[ice cream truck music]
[game controller clicking]

Mom, the ice cream man's
here, the ice cream man's here!

[Mom] All right, all
right, let me get my change.

Roger, I don't want you
going into my purse.

[Roger] Sorry mom,
won't do it anymore.

You get back here
right now, Roger!

[twinkling ice
cream truck music]

Ice cream.

[twinkling ice
cream truck music]

Um, can I have an orange pushup?

[freezer clanking]

[twinkling music box music]

Hey, what's your
problem, mister?

[ominous, gentle music]

You didn't say, "Please."

Yo man, I could be a grandpa

by the time you get your pushup.

[ominous, gentle music]

Can I have my pushup, please?

[ice cream man growls]
- Hey Tuna.

[Tuna] Hey, give
me your change.

- Cream sickle.
- Bomb-pop.

[Ice Cream Man] Next.

Two cream sickles
and a Bomb-pop.

[change clinking]
[twinkling music]

[Ice Cream Man] Icing
with the hard pack.

It's pistachio.

Yo man, I said two cream
sickles and a Bomb-pop,

I don't eat nuts,
they give me gas.

That new ice cream
dude's pretty freaky.

Maybe he's just different.

Good ice cream
is good ice cream.

Come on, Rocketeers,
to the park.

Race ya, girls against boys!

[Racer] Last one
there is a rotten fart.

Oh man.

[gentle, eerie music]

[dramatic, ominous music]

[Heather]
[laughing] Girls win.

[Racer] Hey, watch it!

Hey up yours, you
had a headstart.

[Heather] Watch your mouth,

at least you're not
the rotten fart again.

[Paul] Hey guys,
I've been waiting.

[Racer] Hey Rocketeer.

[hands clap]

Hey small Paul.

You guys got ice cream, huh?

Yeah, Bomb-pop.

[Paul] You always
get Bomb-pops.

They're cool, looking.

[wheezing]
[labored breathing]

[Tuna grunts]

[sighs] Damn.

Tuna, you're not gonna--

Oh gross, Tuna. [sighs]

Anybody want a bite?

No thanks, most
viral contagions

are passed through
oral submission.

[twinkling music]

Hey small Paul,
what's your book?

"Pied Piper."

The kids threw pies at
him, get it, Pied Piper?

[Tuna laughs]
- Hardy har, Tuna.

He cleaned the city of rats
by enchanting them with music.

Well obviously, he
missed one of the big ones.

He led them to the
river and they drowned.

[Man] Then he got the kids.

What kids?

From the town.

The adults were trying
to stiff the Piper

for the job he did on the rats,

so instead the Piper led all
the kids down to the river

and drowned them,

just like the rats.

That's what happens when
you don't pay the Piper.

Uh actually, I think
the kids got away.

[Man] Oh, I thought
they all drowned.

Nah, the kids always get away.

[Man] Kids.

[Roger humming quietly]

[twinkling ice
cream truck music]

[birds chirping]

[pick thunking]

[gentle, eerie music]

Ice cream man?

You feel okay?

Yeah little boy,

Ice Cream Man feels very happy,

very, very happy.

[pattering footsteps]

[door clatters]

Well, [door clatters]
what have we got here?

Three weary pilgrims, back
from a hard day's adventure?

[Tuna] Hi Mr. Langley.

You okay, Tuna?

[Tuna] [labored
breathing] Yeah.

I just need a rest after
carrying these babies home.

Oh yeah, right.

Heather, darling, have
you worked up an appetite?

Yes dad.

Well boys,

if Mrs. Langley and I had
known you were coming,

we would have set a place.

[Racer] Uh, that's all
right, we've got to get going.

Be safe, boys, God speed.

[door clatters]

[twinkling ice
cream truck music]

[door swishes]

[Gregory singing]

[door creaks]

Hello puppy.

[dog barks]
[muffled yelling]

Are we having a bad day?

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[dog squealing]

Who's there?

[playful, eerie music]

Happy day, Nurse Wharton.

Gregory, did you hear my dog?

No Nurse Wharton, I
did not hear your dog.

What's that, on your nose?

It's grenadine, for
my ice cream treats.

Well now that's nice,
Gregory, that's very nice.

I swear I heard Binky cry.

Well you know, Nurse Wharton,

your hearing is not
what it used to be.

I've gotta unpack the
truck, the ice cream melts.

Bye.

Always such a happy
boy, my little Gregory.

[quiet, cheerful music]

[quiet, ominous music]

Happy day, little puppy.

They'll love you.
[squishing flesh]

[dramatic music]
[clattering door]

Did you see this?

My son shoots me dead for
going 30 in a 25 zone.

Hey, when I become a cop,
there's no more flesh and blood,

it's just me and the
law. [mimics gunshot]

We are very proud
of you, Jacob.

Very proud.

Where's Racer?

Sorry I'm late,
I was at Heather's

and Tuna's mom picked me up.

What kind of
name is that, Tuna?

Tuna, Tuna!

It's so stupid.

Now Jacob, Tuna
is a very nice boy.

It's just dumb.

I will admit,

the twerp does stick like
a rotten fish, though.

Hey hey, this is not very
nice dinner conversation.

Racer, come on and
eat, here you go.

[phone rings]

I got it.

[Jacob] That is the stupidest
thing I ever heard, Tuna.

Honey, what should
we name the kid?

Hello?
[distant chattering]

Oh hi, well no, I was just,

really? [gasps]

You're kidding me.
- Hey stop it--

Well maybe he just
lost his way home.

No--
- Will somebody tell me

where I lost control?
- Marcy, okay.

- Honey, will you save me?
- Okay, bye.

The inmates have taken over.

Johnny, did you see
little Roger Smith today?

He was at the park, why?

Because he hasn't
come home yet,

his mother's worried sick.

Did she call the police?

Not yet.

Johnny, I don't want you out
after dark anymore, okay?

Oh come on.

In fact, Jacob, why
don't you and Janet

take him to the movies tomorrow?

This is great.

I'm definitely not
going to a G film.

[hissing static]

Okay, we're gonna go
ahead and break in here

because, first of all,

who would let their kid buy
ice cream from Clint Howard,

especially when he
does that eye squint

and he screws up his
face like that, I mean,

forget the fact that he's got
tarantulas in his ice bucket,

just the way he talks
would pretty much destroy

any credibility as the guy

bringing happiness to the
neighborhood, right Darcy?

I would so buy ice
cream from Clint.

Even when he bugs out his eyes

and he sneers at you like that?

Especially when he bugs out
his eyes and sneers at you.

Okay, so of course,
you have to assume

that if your kid is
normal, not like Darcy,

the film is implying
that the parents

are not paying attention,

they never go to the ice
cream truck with their kids.

And when I first saw
this movie, I thought,

well maybe that's why they
hired so many big stars

to play the parents so that
you would pay attention

to the fact that they
were not paying attention

because, you know, you
could tell this story

without doing those parenting
scenes at all. [laughs]

I mean really, what are David
Naughton and David Warner

doing in this movie
and Steve Garvey,

you know, Steve
Garvey's eight years

out of baseball at this point

and he's already used
up all his money?

Why is he in this
movie? [laughing]

Also, what about the white
haired man in the rubber boots

who's picking up trash
on the playground

and seems a little bit too
interested in the kids?

Is this movie gonna
be about pedophilia?

Because, you know, plus
repeated references

to the story of the Pied Piper,

which, to refresh your memory,

is about a professional
rat catcher

who went to the little
German town of Hamelin

in the year 1284 and was
promised 1,000 gilders

if he could get rid of
all the rats in the town.

You remember this story, Darcy?

Keep refreshing my memory.

Okay so the rat catcher
had some kind of magic pipe

that the rats would follow
and he led the rats outta town

and he forced 'em into the
river Weser, and he drowned 'em.

Vazer, Veezer, I don't
know what it was,

it was not like
W-E-E-Z, yeah, okay,

but then the mayor refused
to turn over the money,

he would only pay 50 gilders
instead of 1,000 gilders

and so the Pied
Piper was pissed off

so he led 130 children out
of the town with his music

and drowned them
in the River Weser.

I mean, later on they
changed the legend

to various less gruesome
versions of the story,

there are about 30 different
versions of the story,

but the original is all
your kids are dead now.

That's what happens when
you don't pay the Piper.

And so we have that early scene

where the little kid is
reading "The Pied Piper" book

and they're discussing
what happens in the story.

So anyway,

I was wrong about the reason
for all the big stars,

the reason for all the big
stars is that the producer,

David Goldstein, had never
made a mainstream movie before.

He was a porn producer
and somebody convinced him

that if he loaded it up
with well-known actors,

he would have a better
chance of selling it later,

which is true, if
you have actual roles

[laughs] for the
well-known actors to play,

and he didn't really have that.

So they said, "Well, we'll
worry about that later."

And so he and his
friend, Norman Apstein,

better known as Paul Norman,

'cause that's the
name he directed under

when he was making more
than a hundred porn films,

they rewrote a horror
script together

and Goldstein trusted Apstein

because they had
made a lot of money

with an X-rated flick called,

"The Erotic Adventures
of the Three Musketeers,"

starring Nina Hartley, Deidre
Holland and Britt Morgan.

Is that a good movie, Darcy?

This might surprise you,

but I haven't seen
every single porn film.

Okay well, I thought
you'd seen every film

of every genre, 'cause
you're constantly amazing me.

So, their way of
making a horror movie

was to put an ad in
the Hollywood Reporter

and ask people to
send 'em scripts.

So of course they got
hundreds of scripts

and one of 'em was sent in
by a couple of film students

at the University of
Southern California,

David Dobkin and Sven Davison

and it was the script
for "Ice Cream Man"

and it was very dark,

and David Dobkin wanted
to direct it himself,

which probably would
have been a good idea

since David Dobkin went on
to direct "Wedding Crashers"

and many other big
budget Hollywood hits.

But for Norman Apstein,

it turned out to be not a
very happy experience [laughs]

and it was his last
foray into horror

or anything other than porn.

He would retire from
the business in 2000

after directing 134 porn
films and one non-porn film,

this one, so, [laughs]

but actually, I take that
back, he didn't retire,

he just became mostly an editor.

But anyway,

he was given a $300,000
budget to make this film,

but then the producer
got talked into hiring

several expensive stars so
the budget went up to $420,000

and then they couldn't finish
shooting on time everyday

and so they had to pay
massive overtime to the crew,

plus when children have to
work overtime, it's even worse,

plus some of the parents
of the child actors

were asking for
money under the table

to let their kid
come back to the set

after the children's
hours were over, [laughs]

plus somebody
threatened a lawsuit,

claiming that they owned
the title, "Ice Cream Man,"

and so they had
to hire a law firm

to fight the claimant to that

and so it ended up
costing 1.2 million,

making it exactly
300% over budget.

So David Goldstein,
the producer,

was still bitter about that
more than two decades later.

He said,

"I kept putting money in,
until halfway through,

"I didn't even care
if we finished it.

"It was a piece of crap like
I've never seen in my life."

And he said that one reason is
that Apstein's wife left him

in the middle of the shoot,

taking their two sons and
he couldn't concentrate.

Which is very strange
because, as you'll see,

Apstein's wife is in the movie.

So all right, well, as you can
see, our phones are humming.

Our phones are
humming, right Darcy?

Yeah they are.

[Joe Bob] Because
people need tote bags!

I think the shirt's probably
a little bit more popular.

Because people go, "I was
gonna buy a $50 shirt bag,

"but then I realized, for $100,

"I could get a shirt to
put in my shirt bag," so--

Don't forget the hoodie.

And the hoodie is
the best bargain of all

'cause just contribute
$150 to our charity,

which this hour, is First Book,

which provides educational
opportunities and books

for small kids that
live in poverty

and have a lot of obstacles

in the years when they're
just starting school,

and you can own
the tote, the shirt

and this warm, cozy hoodie.

Darcy, you should model
this hoodie, cause--

Only if you cosplay
the Ice Cream Man.

I might be able to do that.

[gasps] No way.

All right, [laughs] so,

we're gonna go back to the movie

and it's time for you to
introduce our next auction item.

All righty.

Our next auction item
is the surgical scissors

that I used when we
showed "Exorcist Three."

Bids are gonna start at $50.

You actually threatened me
with those giant scissors.

Oh yeah I did, I am gonna
miss these babies. [laughs]

[Joe Bob] You're sentimental

about your massive
hedge clipper things?

[Darcy] Oh, I have
them mounted over my bed.

[Joe Bob] You do not.

Mm, well not anymore because
I wanna support First Book.

My favorite place to go when I
was a kid was Book Warehouse.

My sisters and I could
only get one book at a time

so we spent forever picking
out the perfect book.

I can visualize Book Warehouse

'cause I go to a
lot of small towns

and it's usually in
the strip mall, right?

- Yes. [laughs]
- There's a huge,

it's a huge, like the
Walmart of books, right?

What was your first book?

Let' me guess,
"Pippy Longstocking."

No.

"Anne of Green Gables."

No.

"Misty of Shinkatee." [laughs]

No. [laughs]

What?

"Green Eggs and Ham."

What was your first book?

No, I was gonna say
the same thing, actually.

That's your first book too?

Was that everybody's
first book?

'Cause I swear, you
stole my thunder,

my children's book thunder.

[everyone laughs]
Classic Dr. Seuss.

But I had lots of books
'cause my mom and dad

were kind of book people and uh,

but they don't have a Book
Warehouse in Earth, Texas.

[laughs] You had to drive
to the Rexall Drug Store

in Muleshoe and they sold
books for kids there.

You could buy a
book and a parakeet.

But we are way off topic--
- Yeah you are.

But that's what we do, right?

We?
[people laugh]

Okay, that's what I do.

[Darcy] Mmhmm.

[pair laughs]
[quiet music]

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

John, what the fuck?
[Darcy laughs]

What, you did it again.

I'm sorry, I'm just feeling
the Christmas spirit, okay?

[Darcy] It's
okay, John. [laughs]

Don't do it again.

[Darcy gasps]

[hissing sparklers]
[twinkling music]

[hissing static]

♪ Be happy, be happy

♪ Woo, happy, happy, happy

♪ Happy, happy, happy

Oh.

Open wide, Gregory, Gregory.

[twinkling music box music]

Gregory.

Are you all right, Gregory?

[birds chirping]

Rent's due in a couple days.

Four gallons?

Five, and I want Rocky Road.

I'll make it
special, Nurse Wharton.

I'm glad I can watch
over you, Gregory.

Besides, this old parlor

was starting to look
like a lost soul to me.

I do so wish you'd
plant one in my yard.

I will bring the
ice cream tomorrow.

That'll be just fine.

[quiet, twinkling music]

[Jacob] So take the bus back

and don't be late
or mom will kill me

and then I'll have to kill you.

Okay?

Yeah yeah, no problem.

[Jacob] Oh yeah, lose
some weight, Fish Boy.

[engine revs]
[humming]

Hey dad.

[Martin] Hey, my number
one son and his tag-team.

Yeah, we just saw a movie.

[Martin] Oh yeah,
what, "Target to Kill?"

"Sleeping Beauty."

Oh we'll just have to
see that this weekend.

Don't tell your mother.
[phone rings]

Martin Kesura.

Hey gorgeous.

Keeping that oven heated up?

It's your mom.

[Heather] She's really pretty.

Martin, I really want
to see you tonight.

I can't wait.

[woman laughs]
I'll see you tonight then.

[phone clatters]
Well, [sighs]

dad's gotta get
back to work, but,

eh eh eh, later.

Bye.

All right, thanks dad.

[people chattering]

Oh and um, by the way,

what's mom cooking in the oven?

Come on, Tuna.

[twinkling ice
cream truck music]

[birds chirping]

We got a missing kid.

Thought maybe you might
have seen something.

Little guy never made it home
from the park last night.

Oh no, have any leads?

It's classified, Ice
Cream Man, it's classified.

Listen,

all we want you to do is
keep your eyes open for us.

Sure.

Who am I looking for?

Anything strange.

So how about some
of that world-famous

hard pack I've
been hearing about?

It's Rocky Road today.

Do me two scoops
on a sugar cone.

It'll be $2.00.

[twinkling ice cream music]

[Detective] You got
a buck, I can borrow?

[gentle, eerie music]

Here you go,
Detective, just for you.

Hey, now that's
an ice cream cone.

Mm, what's in it?

It's classified,
Officer, classified.

Oh, you're a quick one, Ice
Cream Man, you're a quick one.

What do you think, officer?

[Officer] Don't worry about
it, lady, we'll find your boy.

[Detective] Can we
buy you an ice cream?

No thanks.

[birds chirping]

Can we buy you an ice cream?

What, I was trying
to cheer her up.

[playful, cheery music]

[rhythmic, playful music]

Ah, ladies first.

[giggles] My,

I'd like to guy a gallon
of your uh, hard pack.

Do you deliver?

No.

[giggles] One four nine,

that cute little house
right over there.

Come any time.

[boys mimic farting]
[chuckling]

[laughs] Charming.

Uh, one, four, nine.

[Tuna] Man, she stank.

Oh, [chuckles]
you should talk.

I wonder how many
whales they killed

to make all that perfume.

They don't kill whales
for perfume anymore.

- Next.
- Whales in perfume?

Next.

Um, three hard
packs and a Bomb-pop.

[Paul] Make mine
a fudge sickle.

Yeah, and make
mine a hard pack.

Risky of you.

Um, all right, three hard
packs and a fudge sickle.

Plain, sugar, or
new waffle cone?

Um, sugar.

Sugar.

Uh, I'll have plain.

Actually, make mine plain too.

Any other alterations?

[Tuna mutters quietly]

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[children muttering quietly]

Three hard packs.

And your fudge sickle,

[Racer] Last one ahead
is a granny's fart!

Oh man.

[twinkling ice
cream truck music]

[Sexy Woman's Voiceover]
One, four, nine.

[playful, cheery music]

There are no bad days,
Gregory, only happy,

happy, happy days.

[dramatic, foreboding music]

Now, what kind of day
are you having, Gregory?

[twinkling ice
cream truck music]

[engine humming]
[twinkling music]

Uh guys, I'm gonna
go in alone, okay?

Can we play tomorrow?

[Racer] Yeah.

All right, I'll see
you guys later, okay?

[Racer] All right, later.

[door clatters]

[woman muttering senselessly]
[quiet music]

Heather!

Heather, come quickly.

[woman muttering senselessly]

The Arch Angle Gabriel's
speaking through
your mother again.

Heather?
[door clatters]

You know, Heather's
been acting a lot weirder

around her mom lately.

Well her father,
being a minister,

all the more they
just talk about God.

No, but that's
not it, it's just,

I don't know, she's
just acting weird.

Anybody for ice cream?

Eh, we just had ice cream.

Can you ever have
too much ice cream?

[Tuna] Impossible.

Nah, I gotta get home,
my mom's gonna kill me.

Come to my house
with small Paul and me.

[Racer] I gotta get home.

Tuna?

Well, my mom sorta gets
mad about all the ice cream

I spill on my shirts.

Last one there is a
string of squid snot!

What?

Now small Paul's trying to
pin the rotten egg on me.

[Racer laughs]

I'll see if I ever invite
you to my birthday party.

What, I didn't do anything.

[quiet, circus-like music]

[Paul] Hello?

Oh.

Well well, what do we have here?

Want some ice cream?

[Paul] Um, uh, maybe not.

It's too close to dinner.

Nah, come on, what's
your favorite flavor?

No wait wait, let me
guess, let me guess,

don't say anything, I um,

uh, it's uh, I can taste it.

Nah,

Butter Brickle.

How'd you know that?

'Cause it's my
favorite flavor too.

[door squeaks]

[cheerful, twinkling music]

Wow.

[quiet, gentle music]

You like my ice cream truck?

Yeah, I never saw
the inside before.

You know, it's
hard to meet friends

when you're always
stuck on the inside.

I know, I had to stay inside
a lot when I was little.

'Cause I was really sick.

That's why I'm so small.

You know, I was sick
too when I was little.

But I'm better now.

Here you go.

Wow.

I don't think I have
enough money for that.

My treat.

[stick clatters]

[dramatic music]

[shuffling footsteps]

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

Hey, little boy,
[door clatters]

you want some free ice cream?

Uh, this little
fella, he got hurt.

I'm gonna take him
to the hospital.

Hey!

Hey, hey hey!

You little turds are
gonna have to learn

you can't run from
the Ice Cream Man!

I know where you live.

You tell anybody, I'm
gonna get your mom and dad!

[grass rustling]

[quiet, suspenseful music]

[Roger] Who's that?

What's the matter?

How long have you been here?

At night,

the Ice Cream Man,

he,

he killed the park guy.

He killed small Paul.

So what do we do?

My dad will know what to do.

He's out there.

I'll follow you to your house

and go through the backyards
'til I get to mine.

Come on.

I drove by the
bank an hour ago

and the whole place was
shut up, dark as a tomb.

[Martin] So, I drove by
the bar after I got off,

what of it?

Oh so now the story changes
to you left work on time,

but you hung out at
a bar for four hours?

[door clatters]

Mister, shoes on the
porch, you know the rules.

[gentle music]

[Martin] No, I worked late
and then I stopped at the bar.

- Mom, I saw--
- Come on, Marion,

just admit it, do you think
I'm seeing someone else?

Think, I know you're
seeing somebody else, Martin,

come on, Martin,
who is it, tell me.

Let's not do this again.

- Dad, I--
- Not now, Chris,

go to your room.
- But dad--

I said go to your room!

I knew you'd have problems
with my longer hours.

Come on, why don't
you just admit it,

stop working the facade.

[Martin] How many times
do we gotta go through this?

To hell with you.

Oh sure, that'll
solve everything, huh?

To hell with me.

Come over here!

Don't walk away from me!

You know Marion,
I got news for ya,

and I know that you're
gonna think-- [voice fades]

[dramatic, foreboding music]

What the hell is that ice
cream dork doing out this late?

[sighs]
[door clatters]

[quiet, foreboding music]

[hissing static]

[cheerful, strumming music]

If you can't get
through on the phones,

just keep trying, Yuki
is especially popular.

Yuki, can you hear me, are
you moving those tote bags?

Yeah, I'm toting.

[chuckles] One thing
you may have noticed,

at this point in the
movie is that Tuna,

the subject of constant
references to how fat he is,

is not fat.
[people laughing]

But he's outfitted
with a fairly obvious

pillow under his clothes.

That actor was JoJo Adams
who had only five roles

all around the same time,
before he left the business,

and the kid who
plays small Paul,

who just got kidnapped
by the Ice Cream Man,

that's Mikey Le Beau, who
also left the business

the year after this came out.

The wife of David
Naughton, Tuna's mom,

is of course, Sandahl Bergman,

last seen on this show in
"Hell Comes to Frogtown,"

Red Sonja herself.

I gotta think she could kick
David Naughton's ass, though.

The two cops are played
by Jan-Michael Vincent,

who kept a bottle of gin
with him at all times

[laughs] during filming
and Lee Majors the Second,

who had a brief,
uninspired movie career,

I think he made about 10 movies

and this was the last
one that he made.

Strangest of all, is Olivia
Hussey, as Nurse Wharton,

in both the scenes where she's
looking for her dead dog,

and then in the flashback
scenes at the mental hospital.

The original script didn't have
the mental hospital at all,

but the producer,
David Goldstein,

wanted an explanation
for why the Ice Cream Man

does what he does,
that explanation being

that they did
strange experiments

involving shooting green
stuff into his brain,

[people laughing]
at the mental hospital.

If you ever ask Director
Norman Apstein what happened,

he'll tell ya, "Well
it didn't work."

He says this over
and over and over,

"Well, we tried something
that didn't work,

"but it was funny."

Or, "We tried something
that didn't work,

"but it contributed to
making it a cult movie."

So this movie was
no fun for anybody.

Except Clint.

That's true, actually,
Clint Howard talks about

what a good time he
had on the movie.

And the children, it's
really a children's movie,

but the director
decided, you know,

I didn't want any harm
to come to the children.

So even though it's based
on the Pied Piper story,

we just found out that little
Roger, who was missing,

was not kidnapped at all,

but now small Paul is kidnapped,

but if you ask Norman
Apstein about it, he'll say,

"You know it's wrong, we
shouldn't have done that.

"We shouldn't have
kidnapped him."

But don't kids get snatched
and captured and threatened

with death in like every
fairytale ever told?

They kinda do.

Yeah, it's like "Jack
and the Beanstalk,"

I mean, terrifying, right?

So I don't see why they
were so worried about it.

Actually, they weren't worried
about it because Norman says,

"We just didn't think
about what we were doing."

So he's implying that they
did some over-the-top,

ridiculously sadistic thing and
that's why the movie failed.

In fact, he says, "We
made a movie for pre-teens

"that no mother was gonna
allow her pre-teen to see,"

which I also think is not true,

but my main gripe
about the movie is that

it's just incredibly complicated.

How many Rocketeers
are there, four, five?

And I don't know if
you followed this,

but Roger tells Tuna
in the graveyard

that the Ice Cream Man
killed the janitor,

meaning the blood on the
spike that small Paul saw,

causing him to be snatched
as a potential witness,

was not a kid, but
the old creepy guy
with the rubber boots.

So anyway, cast of
thousands in a movie

that didn't need a
cast of thousands.

All right, you've still
got time to send us money

for our first Christmas
charity, First Book,

which provides books to
kids who can't afford books

and we'll send you one-of-a-kind
Last Drive-In merch,

tote bag at the $50 level,
shirt at the $100 level,

and hoodie at the $150 level.

Get all three, amaze
your friends by playing

Last Drive-In dress-up
with a tote bag.

So call now and one of
our scary phone operators

will hook you up.

Okay, back to the movie.

Our latest auction item

for the Last Drive-In
Christmas telethon

is a grinning, life-sized
standee of Joe Bob Briggs,

used by the Movie
Channel in the 80's

to convince people
that the Movie Channel

was better than Cinemax.

The results of this marketing
effort were negative.

[people laughing]

But the standee remains as a
symbol of American optimism.

Bidding for this item
will start at $50.

And hell, I have three
of 'em, so take 'em all

'cause I want 'em
out of my garage.

Oh my God, I
want one of these.

- Really? [laughs]
- Yes.

Okay.

What would you do with it?

- I don't know.
- They're big.

Put it in my living room?

It's how I remember you from
when I first saw you on TV.

Well what were you, four
years old when you saw me on TV?

Something like that. [laughs]

I wonder where these
standees were used.

I mean it's a cable network.

So it's not like they
have theater lobbies.

Children's birthday parties?

No, they didn't do marketing
for the Movie Channel

at children's birthday parties.

[Darcy] It looks
like something

for a child's birthday party.

Well I know, that's
why it didn't work.

You really were
four, weren't you?

[laughs] It's like, you know,

I do not like
green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

[laughs] We really did
have the same first book,

destined to be partners
in silliness, right?

Aw, hell yeah.

[laughs] That was terrible.

How are you liking

the nonsensical plot
of this movie so far?

It's fun.

I knew you were
gonna say that.

♪ Christmas--
Uh, no, uh uh.

[Darcy laughs]

Christmas is a
miracle and so are you.

[Joe Bob] Oh my God.

[Darcy laughs]
[twinkling music]

[static hisses]

[birds chirping]

Come on, Tuna, let's go,

gotta make it to the store and
back before my Pinochle game.

[Tuna] All right,
all right, I'm coming.

Well let's go then.

[sighs] God Tuna, you can make
a mess, go find another pair.

Come on, let's go.

[dramatic, foreboding music]
[birds chirping]

Hey Sam.

Morning Miss Kesura,
nice to see you.

Here you go.

Thanks honey.

[people chattering]

[door squeaks]

[playful, eerie music]

[door squeaks]

[playful, eerie music]

[door clatters]

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[door clatters]

[paper products thumping]
[shelf crashes]

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[pattering footsteps]
[labored breathing]

Mom.

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[pattering footsteps]
[dramatic, foreboding music]

Oh, oh, excuse me, what
do you think of this color?

I don't know either, I mean,

according to my color
charts it should work,

but last time I followed those,

I ended up looking like a clown,

splattered with cherry syrup.

Cherry syrup is good.

Looks good on you, get a dozen.

[dramatic, foreboding music]

Where is that fatty?

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[door clatters]
[dramatic, foreboding music]

[burbling liquid]

It's okay little fella,
I'm not gonna hurt ya.

What on Earth do you
suppose he was running from?

I don't know.

Well maybe you should
go in and talk with him.

I'm sure once you do that, we
can get to the bottom of this.

By the way, you're not gonna
take us to court, are ya?

Chris, what happened?

Oh honey, I'm here.

Don't worry, now come on,
tell me what happened.

Chris, unless you
tell me what happened,

mommy can't help you.

He said he'd
kill you if I told.

What, who said that?

The Ice Cream Man.

He killed small Paul last night.

Oh my God, oh honey.

[dramatic, orchestral music]

[humming engines]
[dramatic, orchestral music]

[door clatters]

Nice to see you
again, officers.

You Gregory Tudor?

Yes, yes I am.

[radio chattering]
- Give him the warrant.

Can I keep this?

Got any large
dogs, Ice Cream Man?

No.

[dramatic, orchestral music]
[police radio chattering]

Why the search, officers?

[Detective] I want you
to go through everything,

find any hollow doors or
floors, bust 'em open.

You got it?

Yes sir.

Hell, I remember getting ice
cream here when I was a kid.

Who was the guy who owned it?

Brickle, Butch Brickle.

Oh yeah, the Ice Cream King.

It's nice to see somebody's
opening the place up again.

Wow, sounds like we're
missing out on all the fun.

[distant crashing]
[banging]

[glass tinkles]

[dramatic, orchestral music]
[clattering items]

[stuttering] That's candy!

Could you search a
little more carefully?

Hey um,

uh--
[items clattering]

[dramatic, orchestral music]
[police banging]

This is a collectible.
[police banging]

Jesus!

Hate to get my hand
caught in that.

I use it to chop nuts.

[items crashing]
- You find anything?

[Officer] There's
nothing down here, sir.

Do you realize how long it
takes to make butter brickle?

[eerie, twinkling music]
[police banging]

[humming machinery]
[eerie, foreboding music]

[Detective] Well
Ice Cream Man,

we're sorry, we
didn't find anything.

You're sorry you
didn't find anything

and wrecked my place?

Or are you just sorry
you didn't find anything?

You boys have the wrong
house, I'm the one--

- [Officer] Whoa, hold it.
- Missing dog.

Where were you last
night around 6:00?

He was here, working
to pay his rent.

Why are you bothering
this poor boy?

I'm the one with
the missing dog.

Who are you?

I'm Nurse Wharton,
Gregory's landlord,

neighbor and guardian.

Serve and protect, my ass.

You have to understand,
people get pretty uptight

when there's a missing
child involved.

But I'm the Ice Cream Man.

I make children happy.

Today you ruined the
happiness of those children

for many days to come.

Do you understand
the consequences?

You know, I never
thought about it like that.

Yeah, I bet you didn't!

You call this number tomorrow,
tell 'em what happened.

Be sure to see [voice fades]

What about my dog?

You know, those
daisies are magnificent.

How do you do that?

Actually, I chop up policemen
and use 'em as fertilizer.

They make great fertilizer.

[gentle, eerie music]

[door clatters]

You know,

there's something
weird going on here.

Get some background on that guy.

You got a hunch?

I might.

Let's put a tail on him anyway.

[engine humming]
[quiet, eerie music]

You know, I'm sure your
dog is around here somewhere.

That's very sweet
of you, Gregory.

You have a happy day.

Remember, no
bad days, Gregory,

only happy, happy, happy days.

[dramatic, eerie music]

[items clatter]

Oh no, don't worry,

I'm not gonna hurt ya.

What do you think, little boy?

Are you having a bad day?

Yeah, you're right.

Not every day is a
happy, happy, happy day.

[machine whirring]

Ice cream, Professor?

Butter Brickle.

[machine whirring]

He's gotta keep quiet.

Suffer the little children.

Jesus so wisely
admonished his disciples

on the coasts of Judea.

Suffer not to come onto thee

for such is the
Kingdom of Heaven.

Always remember
that neither death

nor power, nor height,
nor any creature

shall be able to separate
us from the love of God

which eternally rests in Christ
Jesus, our Lord and Savior.

Let us pray.

[quiet, organ music]

[people chattering]

I told the police
everything, they'll get him.

Yeah, but I'm still
grounded for a month.

Hey, don't worry,

there might be an opening
in the Rocketeers.

Hey guys, let's go.

[quiet, eerie music]

Small Paul's dead.

[distant, twinkling music]

[Heather thumps]

[distant, twinkling music]

[Racer] No one else seems
to think anything's wrong.

[Tuna] But how
could they let him go?

All I know, is I'm
not letting him get us.

All the grownups worry
about their stupid problems.

What we need to do
is catch him on film.

Since when do kids
go trailing murderers?

We're just kids.

We'll get killed,
just like small Paul.

Look Tuna,

I know you've been through
a lot more than we have,

but we' gotta do something.

Why, why is it up to us?

Why can't we just
stay in our backyards

and just keep away from him?

Because we're the Rocketeers
and we stick together!

We are doing this.

The three of us.

We'll need a camera.

We can take a picture of him
and give it to the police.

[Racer] Hang on, I
think I can get one.

[hissing static]

[cheerful, twangy music]

All right, who wouldn't
want this hoodie, you know?

It'll rain on us, but
it won't rain on you.

Okay, before we go
back to the phones,

you may be wondering
why David Warner,

as Reverend Langley
is featured in a scene

where he holds up
his hands to show

that they're bleeding like the
hands of Jesus on the cross.

And the reason is, it's
because they had paid for

a full day of
David Warner's time

and [laughs] there were
still some hours left

so they decided to
stick that in the movie.

Organic screen writing
is what you call that,

organic screen
writing at its best.

And then you also
may be wondering why,

in the scene where Tuna is
chased through the isles

of the grocery store
by the Ice Cream Man,

escaping by sliding onto
the bottom of a cart

while the guy pushing the
cart never notices, [laughs]

you may be wondering why
he's stopped by a woman

who asks him what he thinks
about the shades of lipstick

she's thinking of buying.

Because that's what women do,

they find the
closest nine year old

and consult with
him on cosmetics,

and the reason for that scene

is that Director
Norman Apstein's wife

wanted to be in the movie,

yes, the same wife
who was leaving him
at the time, [laughs]

and her name was Tori Wells
and she was a big porn star.

How big of a porn star
is Tori Wells, Darcy?

- Huge.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Very big, all right.

You know, of all the
stars in this movie,

the one I keep going back to
in amazement is Olivia Hussey

who was in Franco Zeffirelli's
"Romeo and Juliet,"

any number of big-budget,

prestige, international
co-productions,

but I do remember that when
we showed "Black Christmas,"

she had taken that role
because a psychic told her

that she was going to Canada
and so when the offer came in

for a cheap horror
flick in Canada,

she felt like she had to go,
the psychic told her. [laughs]

So she would occasionally
do these low-budge movies,

apparently, for
paranormal reasons.

She was also in "Psycho
Four, in the Beginning."

She was in a Steve
Railsback futuristic drama

called "Turkey Shoot."

She had a habit of
taking these roles

that I'm sure her management
advised her against.

- Good for her.
- Yeah,

well the one big star that
people may not remember today

is Andrea Evans as Wanda.

She was huge as the blond
bombshell in the daytime soaps.

She was on The Young
and the Restless,

The Bold and the Beautiful,

One Life to Live, she was
always this sexy vixen

and I actually
don't know exactly

what Wanda is supposed to
be doing in this movie.

She seems to be a
mistress and a hooker

and somebody who just is a
nympho, wants sex all the time.

What's the line when she goes
up to the ice cream truck

and she says, "I want a gallon
of your biggest hard pack,"

or something like that. [laughs]

So they say they worried
about getting a hard R rating

for a movie that's
directed at pre-teens,

but then they put dick jokes
in a scene with eight children.

So this movie is
just schizophrenic.

It's fun.

I know, okay.

It's time for the
Rocketeers to swing into

investigative action to
bring down the Ice Cream Man,

but I wanna remind you that
we're still raising money

for First Book, the charity
for underprivileged toddlers

who need some help
getting to first grade

and we're now gonna add our
second charity of the night--

[Darcy] All right.

We always have
a women's charity

in honor of what Jesus' mother
went through on Christmas.

And so this year,

it's the National Coalition
Against Domestic Violence,

and no, we're not saying
that Joseph beat Mary.

That's not what we're saying.

When I suggested this charity,

somebody on the
staff here told me,

"Joseph was not mean to Mary."

And I'm like, "Look,

"it's not a one-to-one
equivalence, okay?

"It's a female charity."

Most domestic violence
is against women.

So, The National Coalition
Against Domestic Violence,

it's not a shelter,
what they do is

they support all the shelters

by working at the highest
levels of government.

So they get new
legislation passed

and they work with
judges and attorneys.

They train police officers

and they use grassroots pressure

to make the world
safer for women.

And we like 'em and so
we're raising money for 'em,

starting now, and
I'll repeat again,

if you can't afford to
bid on the auction items,

you can still buy a tote bag

or a shirt, or a
hoodie or all three

and you'll do a lot
of good for the world.

Darcy, do you have
anything to add?

Mm, you should
probably mention

that the ice cream is
actually mashed potatoes.

Oh in the movie, all right.

Yeah, masterful special effects.

Mashed, [laughs] I
should involve you
in the analysis more.

You're an "Ice
Cream Man" expert.

The director
really wanted Clint

to have a gravely voice,

so everyday, as he's
driving into work,

he would roll up the windows

and scream as loud as
he could for 20 minutes,

the length that it took
to get to the studio,

so by the time he got there,

he would have no choice
but to sound gravely.

Do you know where I
learned that from?

From Clint.

- Nope.
- You got that from Clint.

From your interview with Clint

on Monster Vision, 25 years ago.

[sighs] [laughs] Again,

when you were four years
old, right? [laughs]

- Something like that.
- All right,

what do you think
of our charities so
far tonight, though?

You're a mom, so presumably,

you bought your
kid his first book.

And you're opposed
to domestic violence.

You know, not that anyone is
in favor of domestic violence,

[laughs] I mean, but that's
one of your causes, right?

- It is, yeah.
- Okay,

you've got a very
interesting auction item.

Go ahead into that.

I do.

From the classic Roger Corman
episode, The Last Drive-In,

the Audrey Two puppet,
from the musical version

of "Little Shop of Horrors,"

because I like the
Rick Moranis musical

better than the original.

[Joe Bob] You would
give up your Audrey Two?

[Darcy] I'm giving it up.

[Joe Bob] You love
that Audrey Two puppet--

- Yeah.
- Or whatever it is.

[Darcy] I love Rick
Moranis. [laughs]

Well, we can't auction
off Rick Moranis, so.

If we could, I
would be top dollar.

I know you would
and it's scary.

All of your crushes are scary.

True.

All right, no singing.

You're not singing,
you're not singing.

[phones ringing]

Christmas is a
miracle and so are you.

[Joe Bob sighs]
[twinkling music]

[hissing static]

[Racer mimics a crow]

That was a bird?

I can't do bird calls.

You said you could.

I didn't wanna look stupid.

- I got news for you--
- shut up.

I can hear you guys all
the way in the backyard.

Let's go.

[bicycles rattling]
[squeaking]

Okay guys, it's 11:45. [sighs]

We've been out for 35 minutes.

Let's take a break.

[sighs] You know,

maybe the Ice Cream Man
thinks he's the Pied Piper.

[Tuna] Huh?

Well, he drives
around in this truck,

playing the music and all
the kids come running,

but then, he catches
one of them alone--

Yeah well um, let's not
talk about that right now.

[gasps] Get down!

[engine humming]
[quiet, dramatic music]

[whispers] Let's go.

[bicycles clattering]
[squeaking]

[Racer] Come on, Tuna!

[bicycles clattering]
[gentle, dramatic music]

[door clatters]
[squeaks]

[gentle, dramatic music]

[door swishes]
[gentle, dramatic music]

[dramatic, eerie music]

[bicycles clatter]
[squeak]

Tuna, come on!

[bicycles rattling]
[gentle, dramatic music]

[wind hissing]

Where the hell's he going?

Shh.

Small Paul.

I wanna go back,
I wanna go back.

[knife thunks]

What's he doing with small Paul?

[Racer] I don't
know, I can't tell.

What is it?

It's,

it's ice cream.

I'm fixing up a
little party for you.

You're gonna like
this one. [laughs]

Looks like you got
a lot of friends.

I didn't know how much
ice cream to bring.

You can pass it out later.

I'm doing really good.

Yeah, they love
ice cream. [laughs]

It's gonna be a good summer.

Hey, would you
mind your business?

I'm talking to somebody.

You guys having a party?

[gentle, dramatic music]

[Ice Cream Man whimpers]

[cheerful, twinkling music]

You have a happy, happy day.

[quiet, gentle music]

Sure is getting
noisy around here.

[gentle, eerie music]

[engine humming]
[gentle, eerie music]

Butch Brickle, ice cream king.

Let's go.

[gentle, eerie music]

[Gregory] One four nine.

[gentle, eerie music]

[bicycles rattling]

I lost track of Tuna,
we'd better get back.

[Heather] You go.

What?

I'll be fine.

Just give me your bike
so I can have a rocket.

I don't think so.

Don't worry, I'm a Rocketeer.

Just make sure Tuna
didn't fall or something.

Meet me back here, all right?

And hurry. [sighs]

[quiet, dramatic music]

[camera clicking]
[dramatic, suspenseful music]

Tuna, you okay?

No.

Well what's wrong?

My sides are killing me,
I feel like I wanna puke.

Hey, where's Heather?

I left her back at
the ice cream truck.

[quiet, dramatic music]

[whispers] Small Paul.

[camera snaps]
[Heather exhales]

[Tuna screams]

[rocket blasts]

Holy shit, kid's got a gun!

[engine rattling]
[humming]

This isn't a game, boys.

There's a child
stalker out there

and you two are playing
cops and robbers.

But what about
Heather, she's gonna die!

The Ice Cream Man's got her!

I've already called it in,

there's someone already
on the way to her house.

Her house, she's
not in her house!

Hey!

You guys wanna end
up on a milk carton?

[engine hums]

[door clatters]
[knocking]

I'm sorry to disturb
you, Reverend Langley,

but we had a report
that your daughter,

Heather, was missing.

No, she's tucked away in
bed, has been all night.

What's the matter, Charles?

I hate to do this, sir, but
could you please check on her?

[door squeaks]
[clatters]

[door clicks]

[door squeaks quietly]

[quiet, dramatic music]

[door clatters]

She's sleeping like a baby.

Come to church on
Sunday, Charles,

I'm giving a sermon on trust.

[door squeaks]
[clatters]

[sighs] Damn.

[Police Radio] The
Langley girl is fine,

sleeping like a baby.

10-4.

Look boys, enough
of these stories.

- But--
- First the Ice Cream Man

kills the Weatherly boy
and now the Langley girl?

I mean, we've had it up to here.

[engine revs]

[birds chirping]
[camera clicking]

[Clerk] When do you want 'em?

It says one hour.

You could get our duplicates

or you could get our
eight hour service for

10, depends on how many
exposures come out.

I need those immediately.

Four by six oversize is

14 bucks, three
by five regular--

How soon?

One hour.
[Heather sighs]

14 bucks, one day,

12.
[zipper buzzes]

Back in an hour.

[distant traffic humming]

[gentle, dramatic music]

[Gregory knocks]

The Ice Cream Man is like
the Pied Piper, only evil.

[Tuna] What?

Well he drives around in his
truck, tempting all the kids,

and they follow him,

and slowly, he gets
rid of them, like rats.

[Tuna] Ha, another.

Lovely, we only need
$10 worth of quarters,

then we can pick up the film.

[Racer] I think we got it.

[bank rattles]
[thunks]

Johnny, what the hell are
you doing with my camera?

Where's the film?

Start with you,
where's the film?

Here, let's go, come
on, I got it, let's go.

[twinkling, cheery music]
[birds chirping]

[door clatters]

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

Hey, get that hunk
of junk outta here.

Hey, hey Ice Cream
Man! [thumps door]

Come on, let's go, I'm in
a hurry here! [thumps door]

Yo, come on, this
isn't a parking lot.

Hey, Ice Cream Man!

[Martin screaming]
- This is not a hunk of junk!

[knocking at the door]
[pattering footsteps]

Well hello.

If I'd known this
was delivery day,

why that stand-in would have
never made it through the door.

I brought you
something special.

Oh, [laughs] sounds yummy.

You know, we should
swap recipes, uh,

cream sickle and a
custard pie. [laughs]

[woman screaming]

[pick thunks]

Well I checked out Ice Cream
Man, couldn't find squat,

but that weird
lady, with the dog?

I remember she was just
as flipped as he was.

You're talking
about the nurse?

[door clatters]
- Yeah, Nurse Wharton.

I called and checked
on her nursing license,

she had a career
from 1950 to 1993,

spent the last 20 at some
private clinic called

Wishing Well for the
Mentally Disturbed.

I can't believe
those little perverts,

what the hell were they
doing, developing my pictures?

[Janet] Oh my God!

I'm gonna kill those bastards.

[machine humming]

[Janet screams]

[static hissing]

[cheerful, twangy music]

Remember when David
Naughton used to sing,

I'm a pepper, you're a pepper?

Or whatever that
Dr. Pepper song was,

remember how you wanted to cram

a hot waffle iron into his face?

[people laughing]
Well here you go!

Not only that, Clint Howard

somehow manages to turn him
into a waffle cone. [laughing]

And by the way, did you notice

that when the Rocketeers wanna
hide from the Ice Cream Man,

they hide behind their bikes?

Has anyone ever successfully
hidden behind a bicycle?

But perhaps the best
scene in the movie

is the ice cream man at
the grave of Butch Brickle,

the Ice Cream King,
who we now know

because of seeing the
clipping on the wall

of the ice cream parlor
was dealing drugs

out of his ice cream truck

and that's why he was
machine gunned to death

in front of impressionable
little Gregory

in the opening
scene of the movie.

And speaking of
additional characters

that we don't really need,

are Jan-Michael Vincent
and Lee Majors the Second,

the most boring,
inept, passionless cops

in the history of buddy cop
screen writing and acting.

I mean, not only do they
put the audience to sleep,

but Jan-Michael Vincent appears
to be sleeping! [laughs]

And you know, there's
another character

that has no business being
in the movie, but he's here.

I don't know how many
people remember him,

but the grocery store
manager is Doug Llewelyn,

the announcer, reporter
guy on People's Court,

the original People's Court,

the original one
with Judge Wapner,

very recognizable face at
the time of this movie.

And they put a line
in about being sued

in case people didn't get
that it was Doug Llewelyn,

he says, "By the way,

"you're not gonna take
this to court, are you?"

So, [laughs] all right,

are you turkeys, back
there on the phones,

raising any money for

The National Coalition
Against Domestic Violence?

Are ya, okay, good.

Are we moving those
Last Drive-In hoodies?

Are they going for the
$150 on the hoodie?

All right.

What about the tote bags?

I am toting.

[laughs] Okay, great.

Darcy, do you think this
movie crosses the line?

Does this go towards pedophilia?

Does this endorse
child endangerment?

- Absolutely not.
- Okay,

I don't either, but that's
what some people say.

But in the next sequence,

where the Ice Cream Man
is continuing to bond

with small Paul, the director
said this about that scene,

he said, "This is
wrong, wrong, wrong,

"holding that
little boy in a cell

"and it gets even wronger as
their relationship develops.

"He's supposed to have

"this kind of Stockholm
Syndrome thing,

"connecting with his captor,

"and of course, who
doesn't love ice cream?

"Clint and I both cringe
over these scenes,

"how did we not recognize
this at the time?

"I guess we were both in the
midst of making the movie

"so we didn't recognize it."

I don't know.

Would you say that
about "Home Alone?"

You know, and by the way,

small Paul looks kinda
like Macaulay Culkin,

don't you think?

I mean, in "Home Alone"
the kid is in danger

in about 90% of the movie.

You know, but it's what
happens to the kid that matters

and we don't know what happens
yet to this kid, right?

Right.

Okay, so all right, before
we go back to the movie,

I just wanna remind
you that you can bid

on any of the junk
that we have, I mean,

you can bid on the valuable

Last Drive-In
memorabilia that we have,

including this item.

Starting at $100, you
can own the very jacket

that I'm wearing
tonight. [laughs]

I'm a size 46, but it's not
exactly a skin tight garment.

So be the oddball at your
Christmas party by bidding now.

You think this will get as
much money as your reindeer bra

that we sold last year?

Oh, it's more practical.

I kinda wanted
that reindeer bra.

I miss it, I wanted
to bid on it actually.

I miss that reindeer bra.

You wanted it how?

I don't know,
just it spoke to me.

It wasn't really a bra,

it was more like
crocheted pasties.

Oh, that's what I mean, see,

the idea of crocheted pasties,
who could resist that?

Okay.
[people laughing]

Don't okay me.

Why?

You're saying I'm crazy,

but you're not gonna
say it out loud.

Because I said, "Okay?"

Yes, that's what okay means.

Respect my lifestyle
choices, Darcy, it's 2021.

Anything you say.

Anything you say
is a form of okay.

Oh my God, that's silly.

That's silly is a form
of anything you say,

which is a form of okay.

You have nothing to say to that?

I'll get you a brand new bra.

That's not the point.

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

Who is that?

[Man] That's Doug the gaffer.

[Darcy chuckles]

[sighs] Where am I?

[Darcy laughing]
[twinkling music]

[hissing static]

[machine whirring]
[cheerful, twinkling music]

You know, this is the whole
secret to making ice cream.

It's this kinda, secret
ingredient I put in it.

[machinery clanks]
Here, come on,

let's go put it in.

You gotta just dump a
little bit of this stuff in,

makes it sweet, see?

You gotta just put
a little bit in.

It's the special
amount you put in.

Now, the trick is
stirring it in just right.

[liquid sloshes]

Would you like to stir?

Yeah.

Here you go.

[liquid gurgles]
Oh now, watch your hand.

That blade, that blade'll
take your hand right off.

[Paul laughs]
[Gregory laughs]

[liquid gurgles]
There you go.

Woo!

[Paul chuckling]
[liquid burbling]

[sifter swishes]

[gentle, twinkling music]

[colander rattles]
[gentle, twinkling music]

Do you really
think your brother's

gonna pick up those pictures
without looking at them?

I don't know.

He's stupid enough.

[quiet, suspenseful music]

Well what happens if he's not?

[gasps] Geez, what
are you, stupid?

[Racer] Did you see the truck?

No, I gotta get home.

If my mom finds out
I snuck out again--

We'll ride with you.

I'll be fine.

We're riding with you.

Things aren't the same as
they used to be around here,

more patients have died
and some pockets dried up.

Hm, course when you die,
you'll dry up. [laughs]

Why all the plastic flowers?

Because real ones die.

We want happy patients.

So you do shock
therapy lobotomy, like
that cuckoo movie?

We believe in keeping
our patients happy.

We believe in compassion.

[Patient] Help me!

Shut up!

You remember a Nurse Wharton?

Do I, [laughs] oh.

Hell, everybody did.

What was it that
everybody liked so much

about Nurse Wharton?

She gave everybody ice cream.

When the pain and
the loneliness came,

[inhales] she cared
for the patient.

[whispering] Gregory
was her favorite.

- Gregory?
- Mm.

Gregory Tudor?

[Patient] Oh
God, do something!

Anthony's getting out of hand.

I must ask you two to leave.

[door clatters]

This is not a happy
day! [laughing]

[creepy, twinkling music]
[doctor laughing]

[pattering footsteps]
[distant laughter]

[creepy, quiet music]
[muttering]

[Detective] Oh my God.

[pattering footsteps]
[creepy, quiet music]

[distant laughter]
[creepy, quiet music]

[door clatters]

[creepy, quiet music]

Remember,

only,

happy days.

A bad day, gentlemen,
a very bad day.

[laughs] ♪ Come
out, come out today

♪ Come out, come out,
it's a wonderful day ♪

♪ Come out, come
out, come out today ♪

[doctor singing creepily]
[gentle, eerie music]

[Patient] Only happy days.

Let's get out of
here, [mutters] Sheriff.

This isn't our jurisdiction.

[creepy, dramatic music]

[evil laughter]
[creepy, dramatic music]

All right, I'll
meet you at the car.

[creepy, dramatic music]
[evil laughter]

[door clatter]

[woman laughing]

[doors clatter]

[creepy, dramatic music]

[bodies thumping]
[creepy, dramatic music]

No one leaves the wishing
well, doctor's orders. [laughs]

[doctor laughing]
[creepy, dramatic music]

[patient screams wildly]

[fist smacks]

[body thumps]
[patient grunts]

[patient yells]
[fist smacks]

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[mutters] everywhere!

[pattering footsteps]

Cloverdale, this is Detective
Maldon, Riverside P.D.

Emergency, repeat, emergency.

[Radio] Go ahead, Detective.

[gun blasting]

Yeah, we're at the
Wishing Well Hospital,

get some people down here quick.

[Radio] Do you have an
address on the Wishing Well?

[dramatic, suspenseful music]
[officer yelling]

[Detective] Come on,
let's get outta here.

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[engine revs]

[Officer] Come on,

that way, go!

[pattering feet]
[dramatic music]

[hissing static]

[cheerful, twangy music]

Darcy, when I promise
cosplay, I deliver cosplay.

Dude, I am so impressed.
[Joe Bob chuckles]

Amazing.
- I think I

shoulds done one of the
mental patients, 'cause--

No way, this is
so much better.

All right, well you know the
guy hanging from the rafters,

upside down in a
straight jacket,

laughing like crazy
in that scene?

- Yeah?
- That's Norman Apstein,

the director, not only
doing a Hitchcock moment,

but probably expressing
his inner self

during the making of this movie.

I'm actually expressing
my inner self right now

'cause remember when I dressed
up like a taco for Halloween?

How could we forget?

All right, I'm cosplaying
all the major junk food groups,

so it's-- [laughs]

It's good to have goals.

I'm not really sure the reason

for the whole Wishing
Well loony bin sequence

other than to take a
really vicious shot

at the mentally ill.

Those are the most
aggressive mental patients

in the history of asylums.

Jan-Michael Vincent's escape
from the zombie hoard,

'cause they do see
like zombies, right?

His escape seems like
it's in slow motion

and he's just mildly annoyed,

although the soundtrack
music indicates

he's probably in mortal danger.

And we also had a
brief Kung Fu sequence

in which Lee Majors
the Second knocks out

a few aggressive patients and
you still like this movie?

I love everything
about this movie.

Okay, well the real
reason I'm dressed up

like the Ice Cream Man is
that we're still raising money

for the National Coalition
Against Domestic Violence

and you have two
ways to contribute,

you can buy a Last
Drive-In tote bag for $50,

you can get a tote bag
and a shirt for $100,

or you can get a tote bag, a
shirt and this hoodie for $150.

So, that's the first
way you can contribute

and the second way
is to participate in
our ongoing auction.

The bids were so high last year

that a lot of people who
wanted to participate

got aced out of the
process pretty early

and that's why we added
the easier way to give.

So, Darcy, as the expert
on "The Ice Cream Man,"

what else should we
know about this movie?

Well, when the Ice
Cream Man goes to the sink

and uses the sieve to see what
comes out of the grinder--

- Yeah?
- One of the items

is the diaphragm of Wanda.

[people laugh]
- Wow, okay.

Very alert, so
he's showing a kid

how to put diaphragms
of dead hookers

into the secret
ice cream recipe.

I mean, I'm not sure it's
exactly that, but maybe.

[people laugh]

You know, I take it back,
I sorta do like this movie

because who does that? [laughs]

Exactly, it's fun.

That's true, diaphragms
are always fun.

Before we go to the bizarre
conclusion of "Ice Cream Man,"

I wanted to mention two actors
that I have not mentioned yet

and that's Justin
Isfeld, who plays Johnny,

the son of the Steve
Garvey character

and the younger brother of Jake,

and Jake is the wannabe cop
who takes pictures of himself

having sex with his girlfriend.

Justin is actually the
second lead in the movie,

after Clint Howard.

I think he's supposed to be

the main member
of the Rocketeers.

Although the one that comes
across as the most sensible

and shows the most
signs of leadership

is Andi McAfee as
Heather Langley,

the daughter of David Warner.

She was actually 14 at the time,

although she looks much
younger in the movie.

Of all these kids,
she turned out to be

the most successful, actually.

She's a much in demand
voiceover actress.

She has done dozens,
if not hundreds

of video games, TV
series, animated movies.

Justin Isfeld also had a
little bit of a career,

he was in all the
"American Pie" movies,

but hadn't been seen
for about 10 years now.

Okay Darcy, anything else?

The guy behind
the photo counter?

Yeah, who was that?

He looked kinda familiar.

Lumpy Adams, from
the Adams Family.

Oh, this is just a big name
jamboree, this movie. [laughs]

[Darcy] Right, it totally is.

Okay, all right, we now
have five auction items,

we have my script
from "The Stand,"

we have the surgical scissors

you used in the
"Exorcist Three" episode,

we have the life-sized
standee or yours truly

from the 80's at the
movie channel, [laughing]

we have your Audrey Two puppet

from the Roger Corman episode

and we have the Christmas jacket

that I was wearing
before I decided to dress

as the Ice Cream Man.

So, any of those
items can be bid on,

just go to the website
for a full description,

but tell me what's
the next one, Darcy.

In 1990, Joe Bob celebrated
the 5th anniversary

of his show on the Movie Channel

by traveling to Las Vegas
and meeting Wayne Newton

and the star of "Tarzan
the Ape Man" with Bo Derek.

This is the original Sony
tape of those segments.

First of all, where
did you get that?

I'm digitizing all your
old shows, you know that.

I'm your archivist.

Secondly, that is old
school, Sony, one inch tape,

nobody has any recording device

that can actually play that.

Only geeks who worked at
TV stations in the 70's

would even know
how to cue that up.

I know, but it's a
really cool souvenir

and I'll throw in a copy on VHS.

You're gonna give 'em
a copy they can play?

[Darcy] If you have a
VHS, it's easier to watch.

All right, well, it's
no reindeer bra, but,

and you shouldn't tell
people that Bo Derek

is in the show though,

'cause it's not Bo Derek in
the show, it's Miles O'Keeffe,

the guy who played
Tarzan opposite Bo Derek.

He's famous as the Tarzan
who never spoke. [laughs]

Yeah, he's hot. [laughs]

I know he's hot, but people
probably don't remember

that particular
version of Tarzan.

Wayne Newton, though,
is indeed in the show.

He came to the Elvis Suite
of the Las Vegas Hilton

so we could shoot that scene.

So do you not want
me to auction it off?

No, I don't care, you
can auction it off, but,

you know, they might need it
for the Wayne Newton Museum.

[people laugh]
- There's a Wayne Newton--

No, there is no, but
maybe someday there will be

'cause he sold Casa
de Shenandoah though.

And?

That was his ranch, out
in the middle of Vegas.

So I can auction the tape?

You can auction the tape,

but you have to tell people

it has no practical
value whatsoever.

All right, then
that's my final answer.

Okay, you're gonna get
$5.00 for that tape. [laughs]

[Darcy] I think not.

All right, we'll see.

Okay, back to the movie.

How many of those
Sony one inch tapes

from the dark ages of television
did you find in this--

Millions, I think. [laughs]

Oh God. [sighs]

All right, now, don't tell me,

the gorilla's gonna
sing now, right?

[gentle, quiet music]

All right.
[twinkling music]

[hissing static]

[Racer] Ram Tuna.

[Tuna] Be quiet, I'm
moving as fast as I can.

[Racer] [laughs]
That's your fastest?

[Tuna] Shut up.

[Racer] [laughs] You shut up.

[Heather screams]
Oh crap! [mutters]

Go, hurry, hurry!

[Heather] Don't stop pedaling!

[Tuna] He's gonna run us over!

Go!

[laughs] Trolling for tuna.

[bicycle clatters]
[dramatic music]

[muffled screaming]
[dramatic music]

You're ice cream.
[door thunks]

[dramatic, suspenseful music]
[muffled screaming]

[Jacob] Okay, pump it.

[engine revs]
One more time.

[engine revs]
Good.

All right, shut it off.

[door clatters]

[Racer] Jacob!

Jacob, call the police,
call the police,

the Ice Cream Man just got Tuna!

Calm down, calm down,
you can't call the police.

You're the guys who cried wolf.

Look, besides, we
don't have any evidence

and obviously,
either do the police

or they would have him my now.

So, [sighs] this is my
chance to mess him up.

Come on, we've
got to do something.

Cut the Lone Ranger shit,
you're not a police officer.

Janet, I got the gun,
the badge'll follow.

Oh no.

Listen, you guys, you're
gonna get in the car, all right?

Anything goes wrong,
all you have to do

is call in the radio, you
call in for backup, all right?

Look, I think we should
just call the police.

No look, let's just
go help the fat kid

while there's still time.

Get in the car, please?

I need you to look
after these two.

There's still no
sign of Charlie or Gus?

[Radio] No word.

Well get some backup over
to that ice cream parlor.

Keep trying to reach
those officers.

Who is he?

He's the king.

Yes.

He's like the Pied Piper.

Chases away all the bad
and leaves a world of good.

Yes.

[engine humming]

Now it's illegal to use this
channel unless you're P.D.

So nobody calls in unless
it's an emergency, okay?

Now this is serious,

I want you all to stay in
the car no matter what.

You hear shots or screams
or anything funny,

you press the button,
you radio it in

and then you hit my alarm, okay?

It sounds like a police siren.

Be careful.

[gun clicks]

[door clatters]

[nervous breathing]

Sounds like we got a customer.

Come on.

[gentle, quiet music]

I'll be right back.

[gentle, twinkling music]

[door squeaks]

[gentle, suspenseful music]

[dramatic, suspenseful music]
[pattering footsteps]

What's he doing?

I don't know,

but he better get the
hell out of there soon.

Oh come on, Jacob. [sighs]

[door thunks]
[shuffling footsteps]

[door clatters]
[squeaks]

Hiya, honey!
[Janet screams]

[children screaming]

That's what I call
a brain freeze.

[children screaming]

Cream sickle!

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[Paul laughing]

This is gonna be
fun. [zipper buzzes]

[Racer grunts]

Come on.

Come on!

[children scream]

[gate rattling]
[screaming]

Hurry!

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[screams] How are we
gonna get outta here?

I don't know,
we'll find a way,

we'll find a way out of here.

[Gregory] Psst, hey kids!

Over here, I'm a cop!

What are you doing running
from the Ice Cream Man?

Don't you know that he
slaves day and night

to make his treats for you?

It's like Big Ice always said,

"You can't always
find a sweet kid,

"but you can make a kid sweet."

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[children screaming]

Hurry!
[children screaming]

[Racer] Come on!
[labored breathing]

Hey kids, don't you
know there's a curfew?

Kids, always getting in trouble,

kinda makes your head spin.

Yeah, looks like yours
spun right off. [laughing]

Boy, I didn't know you cops

had such a hearty
sense of humor.

That's us, hearty.

Good humor. [laughs]

Shut up, you're not funny.

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[gate rattling]
[labored breathing]

[Heather] I can't make it!

Don't you know you can't run
from the long arm of the law?

Oh shit, oh shit. [screams]

[dramatic, eerie music]

[children screaming]

Christ Frank, you
can't just jump on women,

you gotta take it
slow, charm 'em.

[head thunks]

[dramatic, foreboding music]

I guess two heads
aren't better than one.

[panicked breathing]

[Racer] Where do we go?

[dramatic, foreboding music]
[metal clanking]

Hey you guys.

Gregory?

[twinkling cheery music]

What's all this infernal racket?

Sorry Nurse Wharton,

some of the neighborhood kids
wanted to play hide and seek.

I told 'em it was
too late, but they--

Oh my little Greggor,

always so kind to
the little children.

We'll try to be more quiet.

Okay, good luck.

[labored breathing]
[dramatic music]

What are we gonna do?

Shh, shh, just stay quiet.

He's gonna get us,

he's gonna get us just
like everybody else.

[labored breathing]
[dramatic music]

There's somebody in there.

Let's get help.

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

Hurry, open up, open, please,
hurry up! [thumping door]

What is all this noise?

He's after us!

Come on it's
the Ice Cream Man!

Oh my, quick quick,
we'll have to hide you,

come on, come on
inside, quickly.

Hide and seek, hide and seek.

[door clatters]

[Radio] We're over
at the Spodak house,

we have a report of
three missing kids now.

I don't give a damn.

Warrant or not, we're going in.

[dramatic, foreboding music]

You kids don't wanna play
with the Ice Cream Man?

You like his treats,

but you don't stick by
him when he needs ya.

[door squeaks]

Oh, who died and
made you prince?

What, are you trying to run?

No, you can't run from
the Ice Cream Man.

You do that, you won't
get any ice cream.

[Officer] Hey,

freeze!

I mean it!

[door clatters]

[Gregory hollers
enthusiastically]

You know, you
want some ice cream?

Yeah, how about
some ice cream, hm?

Yeah, you like that.

This is nice.

[Officer] Keep that
kid visible at all times!

Let us see the kid.

[Gregory] I make the
terms, blue belly man.

[door swishes]

Check the back.

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[scoops thunk]
[men grunt]

Now, where was I?

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[Nurse Wharton] Gregory?

Ah, my little twin pops.

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[door squeaks]
[thumps]

[quiet, dramatic music]

[screaming] He'll kill us!

Gregory wins hide and seek.
[children screaming]

[Paul] Gregory!

[Gregory] Butch.

Butch Brickle.

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

Ice Cream Man.

[gentle, dramatic music]

Now Gregory, you're going
to be with us a very long time

and I want you to get
something straight,

there are no bad days here at
Wishing Well, only happy days.

What kind of a day are
you having, Gregory?

Gregory.

[Gregory screaming]

[quiet, dramatic music]

[Gregory] It's a happy day.

Thanks, Ice Cream Man.

[eerie, twinkling music]

Happy, happy day.

[eerie, twinkling music]

[Gregory screaming]
[thunking]

[dramatic, suspenseful music]
[liquid sloshing]

Who's the Pied Piper
now, Ice Cream Dick?

[gentle, melancholy music]
[birds chirping]

[Nurse Wharton]
Did you find my dog?

[gun clicks]

[Heather] Small Paul!

[Nurse Wharton]
Where's Gregory?

[birds chirping]
[quiet, melancholy music]

Bye daddy.

[quiet, melancholy music]
[birds chirping]

Hey guys.

[Group] Hey.

Woo! [laughs]

[laughs] Thanks.

[sighs] You ready?

Let's do it.

Wow.

[hands claps]
[boys chuckle]

- All right.
- Yeah.

So where's small Paul?

Where else?

Therapy.

[quiet, foreboding music]

[crank squeaking]

[playful, eerie music]

[sexy, rhythmic music]

[static hissing]

Okay, so they set
it up for a sequel

with small Paul becoming
the Ice Cream Man,

but of course,
there was no sequel

because the movie was
a box office disaster.

I think my two favorite
Clint Howard moments though

are when he leaps
down off the truck

and knocks out both cops

with ice cream scoops
to the cranium. [laughs]

And of course, the
scene where he does

the impromptu puppet show with
the two disembodied heads.

On the day they
shot that, actually,

Clint asked his
dad, Rance Howard,

who was also a character actor,

to come to the set and coach
him through that scene.

So okay Darcy, how did
you like your gift?

I loved it, thank you so much.

[laughs] All right.

I guess "Ice Cream Man" is
one of the three or four

major roles of Clint
Howard's career.

We had him last season
in "Evil Speak."

A lot of people
like his character

in "Rock and Roll High School."

Then he had those heartwarming
roles in "Gentle Ben"

and "The Red Pony,"
when he was still a kid.

Clint told me that he
was at a Dodger's game

a few years later, after
making "Ice Cream Man,"

and Steve Garvey was
there, and of course,

Steve Garvey was
Mr. Dodger, I mean,

I think he was the first guy

ever voted onto the All-Star
Team as a write in candidate.

That's how much the
fans loved him in L.A.

And so Clint saw him
coming and he says,

"Hey Steve, remember
me, Ice Cream Man?"

And Steve Garvey could
not run fast enough

in the other
direction. [laughing]

He definitely did not want
to be reminded of this movie.

But Clint and Norman Apstein,
the director, became friends

and they say they occasionally
talk about doing a sequel,

but Clint says, "And then we
take a nap and we're better."

[Joe Bob laughs]
- Aw, we need one.

Because he says it gets
too close to pedophilia

to be acceptable to
distributors today.

So I don't really think so,

I think it's too comedic to
summon up those ideas, right?

It's fine, they're
overreacting.

[Joe Bob] Did they get slammed

by the media or
something because--

I don't think so, they're
just kinda speculating.

Anyway, I think it's
getting kinda late in the game

to do a sequel anyway.

Just as a reminder,
we're still raising money

for the National Coalition
Against Domestic Violence

and First Book and how are
we doing, John Brennan?

We can't answer these
phones fast enough.

Really, okay, great.

Should they do a sequel
to "Ice Cream Man?"

Hogzilla Two!

[everyone laughing]
Hogzilla Two!

Hogzilla!

Why do I even think I
can get John to talk to me?

All right, Norman
Apstein's directing career

was from about
1985 to about 2000,

125 films, all of them
porn films except this one.

His most famous movies
are "Edward Penis Hands,"

"Intercourse with a Vampire,"

and "Sperm Bitches."

Have you seen "Sperm
Bitches," Darcy?

Who hasn't?

[everyone laughs]

But he grew up, Norman
grew up in Hollywood.

He's the son of veteran
television writer,
Theodore Apstein

who wrote for Kung Fu,
The Walton's, Ben Casey,

Daniel Boone, The
Virginian, he goes way back.

He wrote a well-received
Broadway play.

His father's career
goes back to live TV

in New York, back
in the early 50's.

So Apstein grew
up in the business

and David Dobkin,
the co-screenwriter

would make some hit
feature films including

"Wedding Crashers," and
he created the series

Into the Badlands and we
were just talking about this,

he created "Green Eggs and Ham."

Would you like
them in a house?

Would you like them
with a mouse? [laughs]

Dr. Seuss, Dr. Seuss
just never goes away.

So David Dobkins is
partner on the screenplay,

fellow USC student, Sven
Davison, became a novelist.

Jan-Micheal Vincent,
who at one time,

was considered on the
road to super stardom,

back when he was making films
like "White Line Fever,"

and "Big Wednesday,"
and "The Mechanic,"

he didn't last much longer
in Hollywood after this film.

His last film was
"White Boy," in 2002

and then he lived out
the rest of his life

in Redwood, Mississippi,

where he died pretty much
in seclusion in 2019.

I should also mention, E.E. Bell

as the happy, happy,
happy day doctor,

very well-respected character
actor, still working today.

And also, if you wanna get a
sense of the yin and the yang

of Clint Howard's life,

he actually made two movies
that were released in 1995

and the other movie was
"Apollo 13." [laughs]

So--
- Eh.

Okay Darcy,

we are done with yet another
Clint Howard masterpiece.

So now where's my
Christmas gift?

I can't tell you yet.

Better be a movie I
know something about.

Oh, it is.

[Joe Bob] All right.

It's one you've wanted me to
cosplay for a very long time.

Oh no, really, okay.

Well that can only be one movie

and are you gonna cosplay it?

I definitely am.

All right, that truly
is a great Christmas gift

'cause as you know, if they
ever remake that movie,

I think you should
star in the remake

because this is exciting.

Okay, reminding everyone
that you can buy

the Last Drive-In merch for
$50, $100, and 150 bucks,

depending on whether
you want the tote bag

or the tote bag and the shirt

or the tote bag and the
shirt and the hoodie

and all the money goes to
our four charities tonight,

I didn't even show it, I just
grabbed it out of the thing,

[laughing] I didn't even
show what it looks like.

Anyway, for $150, you
get the hoodie and,

you get all three
of 'em for $150.

So we try to do charities that
mirror the Christmas story.

So tonight that's
women, children,
homelessness and animals.

And so far we've done
women and children.

I shoulda known what
the second movie is

because of the, we have
to do an animal charity,

and it relates to that,

which we will reveal
during the second feature.

Okay Darcy, I need you
to keep us organized.

How can I do that?

Start getting into cosplay
for that second feature

[laughing] is what you--

How about at the first break?

All right, perfect.

And in the meantime,

please keep ordering
Last Drive-In merchandise

for our charities and

usually we show the new
auction item on a pedestal,

I don't know how
we can do this one,

but our 7th auction
item of the evening

is an all expense paid visit

to the set of The Last
Drive-In during the broadcast

of a season four
episode for two people.

Plane and hotel included,

you can sit right
behind the camera

and annoy Austin and Yuki.

[Darcy] Nice. [laughs]

[laughs] And
that's it for now.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs,
reminding you

to never ask a man
the size of his spread

and the drive-in will never die.

So, this is the season
of birth, right?

So we're honoring Jesus' birth,

so as I point out every year,

Jesus' birth had to
be hard on Joseph.

'Cause he's having to explain

how she got pregnant
in the first place.

Plus, he just walked 97 miles

to sleep in a cave
full of barnyard smells

and there's nobody there to say,

"Hey Joseph, you know,
you did your part too."

You know, [laughs]
'cause in this case,

he didn't really do his part,

he didn't really do
anything to make the baby.

So I have a joke for that.

Of course you do.

[laughs] Four guys are in
the hospital waiting room

because their wives
are having babies

and the nurse goes up to
the first guy and says,

"Congratulation, you're
the father of twins!"

And the guys says, "That's great

"'cause I work for
the Minnesota Twins."

And the nurse says
to the second guy,

"Congratulations, you're
the father of triplets!"

And the second guy says,
"Well it must be fate,

"I work for the
Three M Company."

And the nurse tells
the third guy,

"Congratulations, you're
the father of quadruplets!"

And the guy says,
"Wow, you know what?

"I work for Four
Seasons Hotels."

She gets to the
last man in the room

and he's groaning, he's banging
his head against the wall

and the nurse says,
"What's wrong?"

And he says, "I
work for 7-Eleven."

[scattered laughter]

No.

[cheery, twinkling music]

[hissing static]