Original subtitles

[upbeat, twanging music]

♪ Hey everybody, have you heard the news, ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kookie fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show

♪ It's gonna be legendary

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show

♪ It's gonna be very scary

♪ Joe Bob's Last Drive-In Show

♪ Let's go

[upbeat, cheerful music]

[hissing static]

[slow, twangy music]

I'm Joe Bob Briggs and I am just brimming

with yuletide emotion.

I'm just ready to stick a candy cane

in a vat of eggnog and fling it all over a saucy elf.

You know, I'm ready to go to an office party.

Are office parties back again?

Are they having those?

I'm ready to go to an office party

and sing, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer"

with a Karaoke machine,

while wearing a sweater with Edmund Gwenn's face

embroidered on the front of it

'cause Edmund Gwenn, he's the guy who played Chris Kringle

in "Miracle on 34th Street."

But the important thing to remember this time of year

is that Christmas is all about hope and optimism

and the idea that the world can get better.

We don't have to sit around

bitching at one another all the time.

There's a better way, right?

So tonight, on The Last Drive-In,

we're gonna do the same thing we did last year,

we're gonna raise money for good causes,

causes that move things from a bad place to a good place,

sometimes from a hateful place to a love place.

And while we're doing that,

we're gonna celebrate drive-in culture

because what do we know about the drive-in?

The drive-in is the place where everybody is welcome, right?

At the drive-in, the guy driving a 2006 Ford Fusion

pays the same price as a guy driving

a 2022 Toyota Tundra half-ton pickup, right?

Although, if you drive onto the lot

in one of those GMC Yukon XL's,

I'm gonna send you to the back row,

not because we don't like ya,

but what if some guy in a Chevy Spark is parked behind you?

All he's gonna see is chrome and steel,

he can't even see over your tires on that thing.

But the drive-in is the place

where there's always room for one more.

So no matter where you're from

or how you dress or what you believe,

we might have to squeeze you in, but we'll do it.

And every once in a while,

we get some fan mail from people saying,

"How could you have that person on your show?

"Don't you know who they give money to?

"Don't you know what they said on Twitter in 2009?"

But we're all about inviting everybody to the show,

all races, all nationalities, all genders,

all political orientations and what-have-you,

and if somebody doesn't wanna join us,

that's because they don't wanna join us,

not because we excluded 'em.

Which leads me to the annual

Joe Bob Briggs Christmas message.

Now, Darcy's over here wincing

[people laughing] because she knows

how I don't always stick to the proper Catholic details

on the Christmas message,

just stay over there 'til I finish, Darcy.

I'm gonna make it short and sweet this year,

you don't have to worry, I will not embarrass you.

So, the idea I wanna talk about this year is

no room at the inn, okay?

The reason the Baby Jesus ends up being born in a manger,

which is a horse trough,

is that Joseph and Mary were told,

"There's no room at the inn,

"you gotta just hunker down over there with the animals."

And this was after they had walked,

well Joseph walked, they probably set Mary up on a donkey,

but that's why we had the Donkey Rescue Charity last year,

remember that, anyway,

they had this heroic donkey that they used

to bring Mary to Bethlehem,

not the donkey that we rescued,

but the donkey that Mary rode in on.

So, Joseph and Mary had traveled by foot and donkey

all the way from Nazareth.

Do you know how far that is,

using the dirt roads available at the time?

97 fucking miles!

You know, I don't know how long that takes

when you're nine months pregnant,

but I'm thinking you gotta stop pretty often

and you don't move real fast.

Plus, you know, food, water, places to take a leak,

places to crash, I think they're doing great

if they hit 10 miles a day,

which if you do the math on that, comes out to 10 days,

10 days they've been trying to get to Bethlehem

and why are they going to Bethlehem?

Not for any good reason,

just because some asshole in Rome

said that's where they have to register

so he can put a tax on 'em.

I mean, come on, nine months pregnant,

get you out of jury duty and almost anything else,

so I gotta think Joseph is, he's pissed off,

by the whole situation.

You know, we're going down there for what?

You know, plus, you know,

let me show you this, does somebody have my map

of the Jordan River Valley in the year four B.C.?

[people laughing] Austin.

[Austin] No.

You don't have that map?

Stop cringing, Darcy, it's almost over.

[Darcy laughing] So, well anyway,

you got, you know, you got Nazareth up here at the top,

and you got Sumeria over here,

I'm doing it in reverse so you know what I'm talkin' about,

you got Sumeria down here on this side

which would be the most direct route

because the Sumerians and the Jews

weren't getting along too great at the time

so they're not gonna go that way,

they're gonna go old school,

they're gonna come over here

by the flat lands of the Jordan river,

but that means they gotta zigzag out to the east

and then go through the Judean Desert

where it's freezing at night

and sometimes it only gets up into the 80's during the day,

and then part of this route is heavily forested

do you've got lions and bears and wild pigs,

you know, those giant kind with the wicked tusks on 'em?

And so-- - Hogzilla, hogzilla,

hogzilla, hogzilla. [people laughing]

Guys, we cannot do the hogzilla [laughs] chant

in the middle of the Christmas message, okay?

We need to be serious here for a minute.

You know, do not disrupt the Christmas message.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself for going that?

- Hogzilla? - All right,

so anyway, they're carrying some water

and bread and herbs to eat,

maybe some dried fish or something,

they're trying to travel only in daylight

'cause you got pirates and robbers out in the woods,

not to mention, don't even think about it.

Don't even think about it.

And then listen to this part,

the last 20 miles is uphill.

Once they hit Jericho, which is like right,

almost to Bethlehem, they gotta climb 3,500 feet

through rocky desert.

Okay, so they make it, they hit Bethlehem

in time for the tax man, and what happens?

No room at the inn, sorry dudes.

Okay, let me start with this,

there's always room at the inn.

Bring me any Hilton night manager at any hotel in the world,

bring him to this show, hook him up to a polygraph,

say, "Do you have rooms when you're sold out?"

He's got a room.

It might not be a room he wants to rent,

it might not be convenient for him to authorize that room,

it might be a VIP room he's ordered to protect

in case a VIP shows up, but he's got a room.

You know, but it gets more sinister

when we go back to the original Greek in the Bible

'cause the word for inn is actually kataluma

and that can mean hotel, like we normally think of it,

but since these were Jews,

they didn't normally stay in hotels

'cause there were gentiles there

and they didn't mix with the gentiles

and so it could also be translated, guest room,

and it was the tradition at the time

for people to just stay with their relatives

no matter how distant those relatives were

and each house had a quote, guest room, upstairs.

So these might be the relatives of Joseph saying,

"Sorry, Joe, yeah, we know you walked 10 days

"with your pregnant wife, but life is tough

"and Uncle Alister already took over the guest room.

"So you know what, you can stay in the stable.

"We don't mind."

And you can imagine what people are saying to him, like,

"Well you shoulda got here quicker."

And, you know everybody has to register for the tax,

what'd you expect?

The rooms are all booked up.

And you know,

immediate family gets precedence over distant family.

And you know, it'd be rude to ask another family

to share the same space with you just because she's pregnant

and why did you move

to Butt Fuck Nazareth in the first place?

'Cause once people are comfortable in their environment,

you know, they don't like anybody else mucking it up.

And so that's what everybody did then

and that's what everybody does now.

So, you know, here's our little group,

sorry, you can't come in.

It'd be hard on us.

You shoulda thought about that when you decided to ask us

and so we have these little pods of people saying,

"No room at the inn, you don't meet the qualifications,

"you voted for the wrong person,

"you gave money to something I don't agree with,

"you tweeted the wrong thing,

"find some other place to sleep,

"I don't wanna hear your sob story."

But the official reason is, "We'd like to accommodate ya,

"but we just don't have room."

But here's the joke on them, down there in the stable,

which is probably some kind of cave with goats

and sheep and donkeys in it, and chickens,

that's where the party is!

You know, [laughs] the things we remember,

not the times when we were full of food

and had the great house and the great job

and the big, happy family,

the times we remember when we get kicked out

and lose our job and we're lonely and weak

and a handful of people say, "Hey, they're kicking you out.

"That's okay, there's a party in my stable."

So you take those memories to your grave.

So a lot of people got kicked out last year,

a lot of people got told, "You can't come in here."

And a lot of people said,

"Remember that time my family got kicked out,

"well I'm gonna kick out a few people myself

"to get even with 'em."

But we'll never do that on The Last Drive-In,

'cause remember, there aren't any verses in the Bible

saying Joseph and Mary resented walking that 97 miles

and getting cold-shouldered on their arrival,

they just settled in to getting the horse trough ready.

So the party, my point is,

the party is not over on Netflix,

there's no room at that inn,

even though they claim to be inclusive, you know?

The party is right here on Shudder,

and The Last Drive-In is proud to be the stable.

Okay Darcy, you can come on over now.

Come out of hiding. [laughs]

That was good, aw. [audience applauding]

People get nervous when I talk about the Bible--

- Yeah. - But um,

as I point out every year,

Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, Atheist,

you're still invited to the party.

The reason I use the Christmas story

is that's one of our foundation stories

that everybody can relate to

'cause it's bringing love into a world

that doesn't necessarily want love

to be brought into the world, like today.

So Darcy,

it is time for your Christmas present.

Aw, thank you.

So remember the first year Christmas special,

we did all the [laughing]

we did all the Phantasm movies?

Yeah, except for "Phantasm Two,"

which people will not let us forget.

Okay, well, people got upset, like you,

'cause they said, "Those aren't Christmas movies."

And so the next year,

we had a Christmas triple feature,

we had "Black Christmas," and "Jack Frost,"

and "Silent Night, Deadly Night Two,"

featuring the guy who says, "Garbage day."

And you--

You impaled me on antlers.

Right, right, and so,

one of my finer moments, I think.

One of my finer moments.

[people laugh] - All right, so,

and people complained about "Black Christmas"

for reasons that had nothing to do with us and "Jack Frost,"

'cause they thought that was a silly movie--

It's so good. [claps hands]

And "Silent Night, Deadly Night" because it was basically,

we were showing the second one

and it was basically "Silent Night, Deadly Night One"

with a few extra scenes,

so why didn't we show "Silent Night, Deadly Night One?"

- They have a good point. - Then last year,

we decided to show "Christmas Evil,"

which everybody said was, "Oh, that's too dark."

And "Dial Code Santa Claus," which people said,

"You're showing French Christmas with gall darn subtitles."

You know, provin' that when it comes to Christmas,

we can't please anybody.

You know, and so this year, you know what we're gonna do?

Show better movies?

Oh no, we can't do that, we could never do that.

But, we're gonna keep it in the family,

we're gonna do a gift exchange.

So I'm gonna present you with a movie

that you've been asking for-- - Oh!

[Joe Bob] For a long time, not my favorite movie--

[Darcy shrieks] but we're gonna

show it to you to make you happy--

Shut up.

And then, for the second feature,

you can present me with a movie.

I did get that memo from Austin

and I have your movie ready

and I'm even gonna cosplay for you.

So what's my movie?

Okay, well before we go there--

[Darcy squeals] [claps hands]

I also need to mention that this is a telethon tonight--

- Yay. - So guys,

take your positions at the phone banks.

We have the Chili Bandit!

[audience applauding] [Darcy cheering]

Felissa Rose!

Ernie!

John Brennan!

Steve Wilcox!

Where's Yuki?

[Man] He's still in L.A.

Yuki's in L.A., building that house

for the Japanese government, he's still doing that?

[Man] Yeah, he is, he's got the day off.

He's gonna be on the phones too.

Okay, Yuki's on a phone right now?

[man talking] - He's on a phone?

Hey Joe Bob, merry Christmas.

Let's do this!

Okay, all right, well remember last year

when we raised $44,000 in Christmas money

for the Trevor Project and Peaceful Valley Donkey Rescue

and National Women's Loss Center

and the Organization for Autism Research.

Yes, I was amazed how much we raised.

I know, everybody was amazed

because we were just auctioning off junk

that was lying around the set.

You know, we thought it was a joke, so,

and I think the top dollar getter

was your demons mask, right? - Yeah,

I think we auctioned off like 20 items and ranked them

and my 10 items were one through 10

and yours were 11 through 20.

I don't think that's correct,

I thought I had one, I had one that beat yours.

Nope, no you didn't.

All right, well whatever,

we're changing up two things this year,

first of all, the stuff we're auctioning off

is actually interesting.

It's like real memorabilia.

You mean like your seahorse belt buckle from last year?

[people laughing] - You know what?

I got good money for the seahorse belt buckle,

but a lot of people wanted to contribute to the charities,

but those auctions got way out of hand really fast.

Like the first bid would sometimes be 1,000 bucks--

- That was crazy. - And

I remember your crew jacket was several thousand dollars,

right? - And you're still mad

that I got rid of it, but okay.

[pair laughs]

And so most people couldn't participate.

I didn't know we had any viewers that had 1,000 bucks,

but we're connecting, we're correcting all that this year,

we're still gonna be doing the auction,

we'll put up an item at the end of every segment,

you can bid on it by going to the website

that's listed on the screen, but also

we have premium items that we will sell at a fixed price.

The premium items are,

thank you for bringing 'em out, Darcy,

[Darcy] [laughs] My pleasure.

The premium items are,

a Last Drive-In Christmas Special tote bag

for toting stuff.

Why is it called a tote bag?

Because you tote things in it?

Okay, why the word, tote?

Why do they always say, "Tote?"

Mm, so it won't be confused with a purse or a backpack?

Okay, and it sure won't,

[Darcy laughs] 'cause

you know, it's kinda flimsy.

So, here it is-- - Aw, it's lovely--

For anybody contributing 50 bucks

to one of our Christmas charities, but there's more!

We also have a Last Drive-In Christmas Special shirt,

made by the famous Fright-Rags Company of Rochester,

New York-- - Yay!

And with artwork by Justin Osborne of Saint Louis.

We don't give Justin enough credit,

Justin does all those amazing logos

for the Shudder seasons

and you get one of these babies for a $100 donation.

That is an expensive shirt.

Yes it is, but it's for charity.

So, have you ever watched PBS, Darcy?

Mm, does Sesame Street count?

No, I mean, this is what they do on PBS,

they say, "Do you know that your donations

"make Ken Burns possible?"

They make you feel guilty,

they think you're responsible for Ken Burns, they say,

you know, Ken Burns told the story of the entire Civil War

with just one old, brown photograph,

he would push in on it, pull out on it,

pan across it, cut to Shelby Foote, talking about it,

back to the same photograph,

one bearded Confederate soldier,

he made a whole miniseries and it's that kind of filmmaking

that we're able to do more of

when you buy this coffee table book about swans.

What are you talking about right now?

That's what they do, swan photography

from the galleries of Copenhagen,

not available anywhere but here on PBS.

And so-- - I don't think

that's what they do-- - No, that is what they do,

on PBS and that's what we are doing.

So call up one of our operators, standing by,

and if you get John Brennan,

be prepared for a few F bombs and say,

"I would like to support original programming

"on The Last Drive-In, like um--

[Man] Hogzilla, hogzilla, hogzilla.

[people laughing] - Okay,

I guess yeah, that is the only original programming

[laughing] we've ever had on this show.

[Man] Hogzilla!

[laughs] All right, and then you say,

"Gimme one of them tote bags," you know,

"gimme some stuff, I need to tote some stuff."

And they ring you up for a contribution, but wait!

There is more! - There's more?

Yeah, you knew there was more,

we have a Last Drive-In Christmas Special hoodie!

The same picture is on the back,

the same drawing is on the back.

Why is it called a hoodie?

'Cause it has a hood on it?

I think they call it a hoodie 'cause the style of it

identifies your hood, where you're from.

I don't think that's why. [laughs]

And where you're from,

if you give us 150 bucks, is the Last Drive-In,

you were at the highest level of Drive-In mutandom,

you get the tote bag, where is the tote?

The tote bag, the shirt, and the hoodie,

you could actually, I'll prove it,

you could actually stuff both your shirt and your hoodie

inside the tote bag and, I learned all this on PBS,

and you could rock the promenade on the weekends.

What does that mean?

You know, you'd be struttin' on the avenue

with your tote bag, you know, everybody would go,

"Why is he high steppin'?

"Oh yeah, he got one of them Last Drive-In tote bags.

"I bet there's a hoodie inside there.

So-- - All right,

I think you've explained the premiums pretty well.

- What premiums? - These.

Oh, these are the premiums.

These are called premiums and if you donate

to any of our charities at one of these levels,

you get a premium.

Okay, so you get a tote bag, a hoodie and a shirt,

is what you get. - Right.

I'll explain it to you later.

Okay, so ready for your present?

[shrieks] Yes--

- All right-- - What is it, what is it?

You're nervous?

Mmm, I'm hopeful.

All right, and by the way,

our charity for this segment is called First Book.

We wanted a children's charity

in keeping with the Baby Jesus theme,

and this is a Washington D.C. based organization

that gets books into the hands of children

who can't afford books.

It started out in 1992 as a way to give disadvantaged kids

the opportunity to read and own their first book

and since then, they have distributed 200,000,000 books,

but they've also been all over

the low income communities in the country

with these after-school programs and summer programs

and early childhood education programs and libraries

and community support programs, military programs,

they're reaching about 5,000,000 kids a year,

but they can always get bigger.

So First Book, get a tote bag,

give it to a kid, the tote is First Book.

Okay Darcy, you should be nervous

because look at those phones light up,

look at that, I can already tell,

we're gonna run out of tote bags.

[people laughing] So Darcy,

I present you with the ultimate Christmas gift--

[Darcy shrieks] "Ice Cream Man!"

[people chuckle] - Okay.

[phones ringing] Thank you.

That's cool. [laughs]

- Ah! - It's not what I thought

you were gonna say, but I do love "Ice Cream Man."

Okay, well we're gonna reward you

as the world's biggest Clint Howard supporter.

Would you call this Clint Howard's masterpiece?

Absolutely, yeah.

Okay well, very flawed movie, very confusing movie,

in my opinion, but-- - In your opinion.

Yeah, but okay, stick with me

because I'm gonna have a lot of questions to ask you

as we advance through the troubled plot

of the 1995 box office flop--

That's because it was mishandled.

That's what they always say when it's a box office flop,

the 1995 turkey, "Ice Cream Man,"

starring Clint Howard as a creepy guy

in a beat up ice cream truck

who roams through the neighborhoods,

skewering the populace and incorporating them

into his ice cream concoctions.

You may not realize this,

but you can put anything in a rocky road hard pack

in a waffle cone and nobody's ever gonna notice. [laughs]

If you know what I mean and I think you do.

It's a tour-de-force performance

by the man who wowed The Last Drive-In audience last season

with his star turn as the devil worshiping,

military school kid in "Evil Speak,"

Clint does creepy better than most

and the level of creep here is truly inspirational.

Backed by a supporting cast of international stars,

like David Warner, Olivia Hussey,

Jan-Michael Vincent, Sandahl Bergman, David Naughton,

Steve Garvey, [laughs] yes, that Steve Garvey

with a cameo by the porn superstar, Tory Wells--

- Yay! - This is the first

and probably the only movie made for children

that features the idea that ice cream

might not be just for children,

children might be in the ice cream. [laughs]

In fact, I think there's a scene where Clint

slams the freezer on a kiddy's capture and then he says,

"You're ice cream now."

So, getting into some dangerous territory here.

You're reading way too much into it.

Well let the Drive-In mutants decide

what I'm reading into it, but Darcy, merry Christmas.

Thank you.

And let's look at those Drive-In totals.

We have seven dead bodies, one dead dog,

with meat grinding, extreme closeup eyeball chewing,

ice cream bucket facial, worm-infested ice cream flavors,

supermarket chase scene with grocery cart escape,

one ice cream drive-by, body-part ice cream,

ice cream parlor ax smashing, deadhead puppet show,

waffle iron face burning, multiple child kidnapping,

eyeball in a jar, machete to the bimbo,

multiple needles to the brain,

cultish graveyard ice cream ceremony for the dead,

zombie psycho ward gang fight, icepick through the head,

full-body ice cream vat grinding,

gratuitous Pied Piper references,

gratuitous plastic daisies, gratuitous David Naughton,

gratuitous Sandahl Bergman, gratuitous racketeering,

heads roll, Kung Fu, Lee Majors Junior Fu,

Stigmata Fu, fake bird call fu,

plush toy fu, ice cream scoop fu,

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for

Clint Howard, in the title roll for saying,

"You little turds are gonna have to learn,

"you can't run from the Ice Cream Man." [laughs]

JoJo Adams as Tuna, for dropping his ice cream in the dirt,

but eating it anyway.

Andrea Evans as the local amusement park ride who says,

"I'll have a gallon of your hard-pack."

E.E. Bell as the loony doctor who says,

"There are no bad days, Gregory,

"only happy, happy, happy days."

David Warner as the minister whose palms bleed

for no apparent reason.

Mikey Le Beau as small Paul,

the Stockholm Syndrome kidnap victim

from the elementary school.

Olivia Hussey as Nurse Wharton, recently retired

from the Wishing Well Hospital For the Mentally Disturbed.

Jan-Michael Vincent as a cop

for successfully getting through a whole movie

with a single facial expression

and Norman Apstein, the director,

for hanging from the rafters in a straight jacket

and regretting directing the movie for the rest of his life.

[people laughing]

Three stars, Joe Bob says, check it out.

No way.

Okay, because it's Christmas, four stars,

Darcy says, check it out.

I'm doing muy best not to trash the movie.

"Ice Cream Man," "Ice Cream Man--"

[Man] Hogzilla, hogzilla--

"Ice Cream Man!"

- Hogzilla. - "Ice Cream Man."

Hogzilla, hogzilla, hogzilla--

- Hogzilla-- - I don't even know

what's going on here anymore.

So let's just,

oh, you know what we have to do before we go to the movie,

we have to put up the first auction item.

So here it is, our first item in the 2021

Last Drive-In Christmas auction is the script

I used as State Trooper Joe Bob

in the Mitt Gariss mini-series, "The Stand,"

written by Stephen King, and as you can see,

this version has a blue cover,

indicating it had all big Steve's changes

up to the shooting date of January 8th, 1993,

and for some reason, I signed it way back when.

I don't know why I signed it.

I think it was a tradition at the time to sign your script.

Anyway, we're gonna start the bidding

on this obscure Drive-In artifact at 100 bucks.

It has no wild pigs in it.

[Man] Hogzilla, hogzilla, hogzilla--

"Ice Cream Man," "Ice Cream Man."

[sighs] All right, guys, can we just go to the movie?

You're not supposed to talk during the Christmas message,

you're not supposed to talk during the auction item

on a pedestal voiceover, okay?

[Man] Hogzilla.

[Darcy holding in a laugh]

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

John what, what are you doing?

I'm sorry man, I was just feeling the Christmas spirit.

Okay.

[Joe Bob sighs] [twinkling music]

[hissing static]

[twinkling, dramatic music]

[guns blasting] [wheels screeching]

[people screaming] [guns blasting]

[ice cream man thunks] [gurgles]

[guns blasting] [wheels screeching]

[birds chirping]

[dramatic, orchestral music] [baby crying]

Oh my God, Gregory!

Oh my God, my baby! [gasping]

Are you all right?

Oh, say something.

[Gregory] Mom?

[Mom] Yes, what is it, my little [voice fades]

I'm just gonna bring the ice cream, mommy.

[people chattering] [birds chirping]

[dramatic, orchestral music]

[dramatic music] [game controller clicking]

[ice cream truck music] [game controller clicking]

Mom, the ice cream man's here, the ice cream man's here!

[Mom] All right, all right, let me get my change.

Roger, I don't want you going into my purse.

[Roger] Sorry mom, won't do it anymore.

You get back here right now, Roger!

[twinkling ice cream truck music]

Ice cream.

[twinkling ice cream truck music]

Um, can I have an orange pushup?

[freezer clanking]

[twinkling music box music]

Hey, what's your problem, mister?

[ominous, gentle music]

You didn't say, "Please."

Yo man, I could be a grandpa

by the time you get your pushup.

[ominous, gentle music]

Can I have my pushup, please?

[ice cream man growls] - Hey Tuna.

[Tuna] Hey, give me your change.

- Cream sickle. - Bomb-pop.

[Ice Cream Man] Next.

Two cream sickles and a Bomb-pop.

[change clinking] [twinkling music]

[Ice Cream Man] Icing with the hard pack.

It's pistachio.

Yo man, I said two cream sickles and a Bomb-pop,

I don't eat nuts, they give me gas.

That new ice cream dude's pretty freaky.

Maybe he's just different.

Good ice cream is good ice cream.

Come on, Rocketeers, to the park.

Race ya, girls against boys!

[Racer] Last one there is a rotten fart.

Oh man.

[gentle, eerie music]

[dramatic, ominous music]

[Heather] [laughing] Girls win.

[Racer] Hey, watch it!

Hey up yours, you had a headstart.

[Heather] Watch your mouth,

at least you're not the rotten fart again.

[Paul] Hey guys, I've been waiting.

[Racer] Hey Rocketeer.

[hands clap]

Hey small Paul.

You guys got ice cream, huh?

Yeah, Bomb-pop.

[Paul] You always get Bomb-pops.

They're cool, looking.

[wheezing] [labored breathing]

[Tuna grunts]

[sighs] Damn.

Tuna, you're not gonna--

Oh gross, Tuna. [sighs]

Anybody want a bite?

No thanks, most viral contagions

are passed through oral submission.

[twinkling music]

Hey small Paul, what's your book?

"Pied Piper."

The kids threw pies at him, get it, Pied Piper?

[Tuna laughs] - Hardy har, Tuna.

He cleaned the city of rats by enchanting them with music.

Well obviously, he missed one of the big ones.

He led them to the river and they drowned.

[Man] Then he got the kids.

What kids?

From the town.

The adults were trying to stiff the Piper

for the job he did on the rats,

so instead the Piper led all the kids down to the river

and drowned them,

just like the rats.

That's what happens when you don't pay the Piper.

Uh actually, I think the kids got away.

[Man] Oh, I thought they all drowned.

Nah, the kids always get away.

[Man] Kids.

[Roger humming quietly]

[twinkling ice cream truck music]

[birds chirping]

[pick thunking]

[gentle, eerie music]

Ice cream man?

You feel okay?

Yeah little boy,

Ice Cream Man feels very happy,

very, very happy.

[pattering footsteps]

[door clatters]

Well, [door clatters] what have we got here?

Three weary pilgrims, back from a hard day's adventure?

[Tuna] Hi Mr. Langley.

You okay, Tuna?

[Tuna] [labored breathing] Yeah.

I just need a rest after carrying these babies home.

Oh yeah, right.

Heather, darling, have you worked up an appetite?

Yes dad.

Well boys,

if Mrs. Langley and I had known you were coming,

we would have set a place.

[Racer] Uh, that's all right, we've got to get going.

Be safe, boys, God speed.

[door clatters]

[twinkling ice cream truck music]

[door swishes]

[Gregory singing]

[door creaks]

Hello puppy.

[dog barks] [muffled yelling]

Are we having a bad day?

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[dog squealing]

Who's there?

[playful, eerie music]

Happy day, Nurse Wharton.

Gregory, did you hear my dog?

No Nurse Wharton, I did not hear your dog.

What's that, on your nose?

It's grenadine, for my ice cream treats.

Well now that's nice, Gregory, that's very nice.

I swear I heard Binky cry.

Well you know, Nurse Wharton,

your hearing is not what it used to be.

I've gotta unpack the truck, the ice cream melts.

Bye.

Always such a happy boy, my little Gregory.

[quiet, cheerful music]

[quiet, ominous music]

Happy day, little puppy.

They'll love you. [squishing flesh]

[dramatic music] [clattering door]

Did you see this?

My son shoots me dead for going 30 in a 25 zone.

Hey, when I become a cop, there's no more flesh and blood,

it's just me and the law. [mimics gunshot]

We are very proud of you, Jacob.

Very proud.

Where's Racer?

Sorry I'm late, I was at Heather's

and Tuna's mom picked me up.

What kind of name is that, Tuna?

Tuna, Tuna!

It's so stupid.

Now Jacob, Tuna is a very nice boy.

It's just dumb.

I will admit,

the twerp does stick like a rotten fish, though.

Hey hey, this is not very nice dinner conversation.

Racer, come on and eat, here you go.

[phone rings]

I got it.

[Jacob] That is the stupidest thing I ever heard, Tuna.

Honey, what should we name the kid?

Hello? [distant chattering]

Oh hi, well no, I was just,

really? [gasps]

You're kidding me. - Hey stop it--

Well maybe he just lost his way home.

No-- - Will somebody tell me

where I lost control? - Marcy, okay.

- Honey, will you save me? - Okay, bye.

The inmates have taken over.

Johnny, did you see little Roger Smith today?

He was at the park, why?

Because he hasn't come home yet,

his mother's worried sick.

Did she call the police?

Not yet.

Johnny, I don't want you out after dark anymore, okay?

Oh come on.

In fact, Jacob, why don't you and Janet

take him to the movies tomorrow?

This is great.

I'm definitely not going to a G film.

[hissing static]

Okay, we're gonna go ahead and break in here

because, first of all,

who would let their kid buy ice cream from Clint Howard,

especially when he does that eye squint

and he screws up his face like that, I mean,

forget the fact that he's got tarantulas in his ice bucket,

just the way he talks would pretty much destroy

any credibility as the guy

bringing happiness to the neighborhood, right Darcy?

I would so buy ice cream from Clint.

Even when he bugs out his eyes

and he sneers at you like that?

Especially when he bugs out his eyes and sneers at you.

Okay, so of course, you have to assume

that if your kid is normal, not like Darcy,

the film is implying that the parents

are not paying attention,

they never go to the ice cream truck with their kids.

And when I first saw this movie, I thought,

well maybe that's why they hired so many big stars

to play the parents so that you would pay attention

to the fact that they were not paying attention

because, you know, you could tell this story

without doing those parenting scenes at all. [laughs]

I mean really, what are David Naughton and David Warner

doing in this movie and Steve Garvey,

you know, Steve Garvey's eight years

out of baseball at this point

and he's already used up all his money?

Why is he in this movie? [laughing]

Also, what about the white haired man in the rubber boots

who's picking up trash on the playground

and seems a little bit too interested in the kids?

Is this movie gonna be about pedophilia?

Because, you know, plus repeated references

to the story of the Pied Piper,

which, to refresh your memory,

is about a professional rat catcher

who went to the little German town of Hamelin

in the year 1284 and was promised 1,000 gilders

if he could get rid of all the rats in the town.

You remember this story, Darcy?

Keep refreshing my memory.

Okay so the rat catcher had some kind of magic pipe

that the rats would follow and he led the rats outta town

and he forced 'em into the river Weser, and he drowned 'em.

Vazer, Veezer, I don't know what it was,

it was not like W-E-E-Z, yeah, okay,

but then the mayor refused to turn over the money,

he would only pay 50 gilders instead of 1,000 gilders

and so the Pied Piper was pissed off

so he led 130 children out of the town with his music

and drowned them in the River Weser.

I mean, later on they changed the legend

to various less gruesome versions of the story,

there are about 30 different versions of the story,

but the original is all your kids are dead now.

That's what happens when you don't pay the Piper.

And so we have that early scene

where the little kid is reading "The Pied Piper" book

and they're discussing what happens in the story.

So anyway,

I was wrong about the reason for all the big stars,

the reason for all the big stars is that the producer,

David Goldstein, had never made a mainstream movie before.

He was a porn producer and somebody convinced him

that if he loaded it up with well-known actors,

he would have a better chance of selling it later,

which is true, if you have actual roles

[laughs] for the well-known actors to play,

and he didn't really have that.

So they said, "Well, we'll worry about that later."

And so he and his friend, Norman Apstein,

better known as Paul Norman,

'cause that's the name he directed under

when he was making more than a hundred porn films,

they rewrote a horror script together

and Goldstein trusted Apstein

because they had made a lot of money

with an X-rated flick called,

"The Erotic Adventures of the Three Musketeers,"

starring Nina Hartley, Deidre Holland and Britt Morgan.

Is that a good movie, Darcy?

This might surprise you,

but I haven't seen every single porn film.

Okay well, I thought you'd seen every film

of every genre, 'cause you're constantly amazing me.

So, their way of making a horror movie

was to put an ad in the Hollywood Reporter

and ask people to send 'em scripts.

So of course they got hundreds of scripts

and one of 'em was sent in by a couple of film students

at the University of Southern California,

David Dobkin and Sven Davison

and it was the script for "Ice Cream Man"

and it was very dark,

and David Dobkin wanted to direct it himself,

which probably would have been a good idea

since David Dobkin went on to direct "Wedding Crashers"

and many other big budget Hollywood hits.

But for Norman Apstein,

it turned out to be not a very happy experience [laughs]

and it was his last foray into horror

or anything other than porn.

He would retire from the business in 2000

after directing 134 porn films and one non-porn film,

this one, so, [laughs]

but actually, I take that back, he didn't retire,

he just became mostly an editor.

But anyway,

he was given a $300,000 budget to make this film,

but then the producer got talked into hiring

several expensive stars so the budget went up to $420,000

and then they couldn't finish shooting on time everyday

and so they had to pay massive overtime to the crew,

plus when children have to work overtime, it's even worse,

plus some of the parents of the child actors

were asking for money under the table

to let their kid come back to the set

after the children's hours were over, [laughs]

plus somebody threatened a lawsuit,

claiming that they owned the title, "Ice Cream Man,"

and so they had to hire a law firm

to fight the claimant to that

and so it ended up costing 1.2 million,

making it exactly 300% over budget.

So David Goldstein, the producer,

was still bitter about that more than two decades later.

He said,

"I kept putting money in, until halfway through,

"I didn't even care if we finished it.

"It was a piece of crap like I've never seen in my life."

And he said that one reason is that Apstein's wife left him

in the middle of the shoot,

taking their two sons and he couldn't concentrate.

Which is very strange because, as you'll see,

Apstein's wife is in the movie.

So all right, well, as you can see, our phones are humming.

Our phones are humming, right Darcy?

Yeah they are.

[Joe Bob] Because people need tote bags!

I think the shirt's probably a little bit more popular.

Because people go, "I was gonna buy a $50 shirt bag,

"but then I realized, for $100,

"I could get a shirt to put in my shirt bag," so--

Don't forget the hoodie.

And the hoodie is the best bargain of all

'cause just contribute $150 to our charity,

which this hour, is First Book,

which provides educational opportunities and books

for small kids that live in poverty

and have a lot of obstacles

in the years when they're just starting school,

and you can own the tote, the shirt

and this warm, cozy hoodie.

Darcy, you should model this hoodie, cause--

Only if you cosplay the Ice Cream Man.

I might be able to do that.

[gasps] No way.

All right, [laughs] so,

we're gonna go back to the movie

and it's time for you to introduce our next auction item.

All righty.

Our next auction item is the surgical scissors

that I used when we showed "Exorcist Three."

Bids are gonna start at $50.

You actually threatened me with those giant scissors.

Oh yeah I did, I am gonna miss these babies. [laughs]

[Joe Bob] You're sentimental

about your massive hedge clipper things?

[Darcy] Oh, I have them mounted over my bed.

[Joe Bob] You do not.

Mm, well not anymore because I wanna support First Book.

My favorite place to go when I was a kid was Book Warehouse.

My sisters and I could only get one book at a time

so we spent forever picking out the perfect book.

I can visualize Book Warehouse

'cause I go to a lot of small towns

and it's usually in the strip mall, right?

- Yes. [laughs] - There's a huge,

it's a huge, like the Walmart of books, right?

What was your first book?

Let' me guess, "Pippy Longstocking."

No.

"Anne of Green Gables."

No.

"Misty of Shinkatee." [laughs]

No. [laughs]

What?

"Green Eggs and Ham."

What was your first book?

No, I was gonna say the same thing, actually.

That's your first book too?

Was that everybody's first book?

'Cause I swear, you stole my thunder,

my children's book thunder.

[everyone laughs] Classic Dr. Seuss.

But I had lots of books 'cause my mom and dad

were kind of book people and uh,

but they don't have a Book Warehouse in Earth, Texas.

[laughs] You had to drive to the Rexall Drug Store

in Muleshoe and they sold books for kids there.

You could buy a book and a parakeet.

But we are way off topic-- - Yeah you are.

But that's what we do, right?

We? [people laugh]

Okay, that's what I do.

[Darcy] Mmhmm.

[pair laughs] [quiet music]

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

John, what the fuck? [Darcy laughs]

What, you did it again.

I'm sorry, I'm just feeling the Christmas spirit, okay?

[Darcy] It's okay, John. [laughs]

Don't do it again.

[Darcy gasps]

[hissing sparklers] [twinkling music]

[hissing static]

♪ Be happy, be happy

♪ Woo, happy, happy, happy

♪ Happy, happy, happy

Oh.

Open wide, Gregory, Gregory.

[twinkling music box music]

Gregory.

Are you all right, Gregory?

[birds chirping]

Rent's due in a couple days.

Four gallons?

Five, and I want Rocky Road.

I'll make it special, Nurse Wharton.

I'm glad I can watch over you, Gregory.

Besides, this old parlor

was starting to look like a lost soul to me.

I do so wish you'd plant one in my yard.

I will bring the ice cream tomorrow.

That'll be just fine.

[quiet, twinkling music]

[Jacob] So take the bus back

and don't be late or mom will kill me

and then I'll have to kill you.

Okay?

Yeah yeah, no problem.

[Jacob] Oh yeah, lose some weight, Fish Boy.

[engine revs] [humming]

Hey dad.

[Martin] Hey, my number one son and his tag-team.

Yeah, we just saw a movie.

[Martin] Oh yeah, what, "Target to Kill?"

"Sleeping Beauty."

Oh we'll just have to see that this weekend.

Don't tell your mother. [phone rings]

Martin Kesura.

Hey gorgeous.

Keeping that oven heated up?

It's your mom.

[Heather] She's really pretty.

Martin, I really want to see you tonight.

I can't wait.

[woman laughs] I'll see you tonight then.

[phone clatters] Well, [sighs]

dad's gotta get back to work, but,

eh eh eh, later.

Bye.

All right, thanks dad.

[people chattering]

Oh and um, by the way,

what's mom cooking in the oven?

Come on, Tuna.

[twinkling ice cream truck music]

[birds chirping]

We got a missing kid.

Thought maybe you might have seen something.

Little guy never made it home from the park last night.

Oh no, have any leads?

It's classified, Ice Cream Man, it's classified.

Listen,

all we want you to do is keep your eyes open for us.

Sure.

Who am I looking for?

Anything strange.

So how about some of that world-famous

hard pack I've been hearing about?

It's Rocky Road today.

Do me two scoops on a sugar cone.

It'll be $2.00.

[twinkling ice cream music]

[Detective] You got a buck, I can borrow?

[gentle, eerie music]

Here you go, Detective, just for you.

Hey, now that's an ice cream cone.

Mm, what's in it?

It's classified, Officer, classified.

Oh, you're a quick one, Ice Cream Man, you're a quick one.

What do you think, officer?

[Officer] Don't worry about it, lady, we'll find your boy.

[Detective] Can we buy you an ice cream?

No thanks.

[birds chirping]

Can we buy you an ice cream?

What, I was trying to cheer her up.

[playful, cheery music]

[rhythmic, playful music]

Ah, ladies first.

[giggles] My,

I'd like to guy a gallon of your uh, hard pack.

Do you deliver?

No.

[giggles] One four nine,

that cute little house right over there.

Come any time.

[boys mimic farting] [chuckling]

[laughs] Charming.

Uh, one, four, nine.

[Tuna] Man, she stank.

Oh, [chuckles] you should talk.

I wonder how many whales they killed

to make all that perfume.

They don't kill whales for perfume anymore.

- Next. - Whales in perfume?

Next.

Um, three hard packs and a Bomb-pop.

[Paul] Make mine a fudge sickle.

Yeah, and make mine a hard pack.

Risky of you.

Um, all right, three hard packs and a fudge sickle.

Plain, sugar, or new waffle cone?

Um, sugar.

Sugar.

Uh, I'll have plain.

Actually, make mine plain too.

Any other alterations?

[Tuna mutters quietly]

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[children muttering quietly]

Three hard packs.

And your fudge sickle,

[Racer] Last one ahead is a granny's fart!

Oh man.

[twinkling ice cream truck music]

[Sexy Woman's Voiceover] One, four, nine.

[playful, cheery music]

There are no bad days, Gregory, only happy,

happy, happy days.

[dramatic, foreboding music]

Now, what kind of day are you having, Gregory?

[twinkling ice cream truck music]

[engine humming] [twinkling music]

Uh guys, I'm gonna go in alone, okay?

Can we play tomorrow?

[Racer] Yeah.

All right, I'll see you guys later, okay?

[Racer] All right, later.

[door clatters]

[woman muttering senselessly] [quiet music]

Heather!

Heather, come quickly.

[woman muttering senselessly]

The Arch Angle Gabriel's speaking through your mother again.

Heather? [door clatters]

You know, Heather's been acting a lot weirder

around her mom lately.

Well her father, being a minister,

all the more they just talk about God.

No, but that's not it, it's just,

I don't know, she's just acting weird.

Anybody for ice cream?

Eh, we just had ice cream.

Can you ever have too much ice cream?

[Tuna] Impossible.

Nah, I gotta get home, my mom's gonna kill me.

Come to my house with small Paul and me.

[Racer] I gotta get home.

Tuna?

Well, my mom sorta gets mad about all the ice cream

I spill on my shirts.

Last one there is a string of squid snot!

What?

Now small Paul's trying to pin the rotten egg on me.

[Racer laughs]

I'll see if I ever invite you to my birthday party.

What, I didn't do anything.

[quiet, circus-like music]

[Paul] Hello?

Oh.

Well well, what do we have here?

Want some ice cream?

[Paul] Um, uh, maybe not.

It's too close to dinner.

Nah, come on, what's your favorite flavor?

No wait wait, let me guess, let me guess,

don't say anything, I um,

uh, it's uh, I can taste it.

Nah,

Butter Brickle.

How'd you know that?

'Cause it's my favorite flavor too.

[door squeaks]

[cheerful, twinkling music]

Wow.

[quiet, gentle music]

You like my ice cream truck?

Yeah, I never saw the inside before.

You know, it's hard to meet friends

when you're always stuck on the inside.

I know, I had to stay inside a lot when I was little.

'Cause I was really sick.

That's why I'm so small.

You know, I was sick too when I was little.

But I'm better now.

Here you go.

Wow.

I don't think I have enough money for that.

My treat.

[stick clatters]

[dramatic music]

[shuffling footsteps]

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

Hey, little boy, [door clatters]

you want some free ice cream?

Uh, this little fella, he got hurt.

I'm gonna take him to the hospital.

Hey!

Hey, hey hey!

You little turds are gonna have to learn

you can't run from the Ice Cream Man!

I know where you live.

You tell anybody, I'm gonna get your mom and dad!

[grass rustling]

[quiet, suspenseful music]

[Roger] Who's that?

What's the matter?

How long have you been here?

At night,

the Ice Cream Man,

he,

he killed the park guy.

He killed small Paul.

So what do we do?

My dad will know what to do.

He's out there.

I'll follow you to your house

and go through the backyards 'til I get to mine.

Come on.

I drove by the bank an hour ago

and the whole place was shut up, dark as a tomb.

[Martin] So, I drove by the bar after I got off,

what of it?

Oh so now the story changes to you left work on time,

but you hung out at a bar for four hours?

[door clatters]

Mister, shoes on the porch, you know the rules.

[gentle music]

[Martin] No, I worked late and then I stopped at the bar.

- Mom, I saw-- - Come on, Marion,

just admit it, do you think I'm seeing someone else?

Think, I know you're seeing somebody else, Martin,

come on, Martin, who is it, tell me.

Let's not do this again.

- Dad, I-- - Not now, Chris,

go to your room. - But dad--

I said go to your room!

I knew you'd have problems with my longer hours.

Come on, why don't you just admit it,

stop working the facade.

[Martin] How many times do we gotta go through this?

To hell with you.

Oh sure, that'll solve everything, huh?

To hell with me.

Come over here!

Don't walk away from me!

You know Marion, I got news for ya,

and I know that you're gonna think-- [voice fades]

[dramatic, foreboding music]

What the hell is that ice cream dork doing out this late?

[sighs] [door clatters]

[quiet, foreboding music]

[hissing static]

[cheerful, strumming music]

If you can't get through on the phones,

just keep trying, Yuki is especially popular.

Yuki, can you hear me, are you moving those tote bags?

Yeah, I'm toting.

[chuckles] One thing you may have noticed,

at this point in the movie is that Tuna,

the subject of constant references to how fat he is,

is not fat. [people laughing]

But he's outfitted with a fairly obvious

pillow under his clothes.

That actor was JoJo Adams who had only five roles

all around the same time, before he left the business,

and the kid who plays small Paul,

who just got kidnapped by the Ice Cream Man,

that's Mikey Le Beau, who also left the business

the year after this came out.

The wife of David Naughton, Tuna's mom,

is of course, Sandahl Bergman,

last seen on this show in "Hell Comes to Frogtown,"

Red Sonja herself.

I gotta think she could kick David Naughton's ass, though.

The two cops are played by Jan-Michael Vincent,

who kept a bottle of gin with him at all times

[laughs] during filming and Lee Majors the Second,

who had a brief, uninspired movie career,

I think he made about 10 movies

and this was the last one that he made.

Strangest of all, is Olivia Hussey, as Nurse Wharton,

in both the scenes where she's looking for her dead dog,

and then in the flashback scenes at the mental hospital.

The original script didn't have the mental hospital at all,

but the producer, David Goldstein,

wanted an explanation for why the Ice Cream Man

does what he does, that explanation being

that they did strange experiments

involving shooting green stuff into his brain,

[people laughing] at the mental hospital.

If you ever ask Director Norman Apstein what happened,

he'll tell ya, "Well it didn't work."

He says this over and over and over,

"Well, we tried something that didn't work,

"but it was funny."

Or, "We tried something that didn't work,

"but it contributed to making it a cult movie."

So this movie was no fun for anybody.

Except Clint.

That's true, actually, Clint Howard talks about

what a good time he had on the movie.

And the children, it's really a children's movie,

but the director decided, you know,

I didn't want any harm to come to the children.

So even though it's based on the Pied Piper story,

we just found out that little Roger, who was missing,

was not kidnapped at all,

but now small Paul is kidnapped,

but if you ask Norman Apstein about it, he'll say,

"You know it's wrong, we shouldn't have done that.

"We shouldn't have kidnapped him."

But don't kids get snatched and captured and threatened

with death in like every fairytale ever told?

They kinda do.

Yeah, it's like "Jack and the Beanstalk,"

I mean, terrifying, right?

So I don't see why they were so worried about it.

Actually, they weren't worried about it because Norman says,

"We just didn't think about what we were doing."

So he's implying that they did some over-the-top,

ridiculously sadistic thing and that's why the movie failed.

In fact, he says, "We made a movie for pre-teens

"that no mother was gonna allow her pre-teen to see,"

which I also think is not true,

but my main gripe about the movie is that

it's just incredibly complicated.

How many Rocketeers are there, four, five?

And I don't know if you followed this,

but Roger tells Tuna in the graveyard

that the Ice Cream Man killed the janitor,

meaning the blood on the spike that small Paul saw,

causing him to be snatched as a potential witness,

was not a kid, but the old creepy guy with the rubber boots.

So anyway, cast of thousands in a movie

that didn't need a cast of thousands.

All right, you've still got time to send us money

for our first Christmas charity, First Book,

which provides books to kids who can't afford books

and we'll send you one-of-a-kind Last Drive-In merch,

tote bag at the $50 level, shirt at the $100 level,

and hoodie at the $150 level.

Get all three, amaze your friends by playing

Last Drive-In dress-up with a tote bag.

So call now and one of our scary phone operators

will hook you up.

Okay, back to the movie.

Our latest auction item

for the Last Drive-In Christmas telethon

is a grinning, life-sized standee of Joe Bob Briggs,

used by the Movie Channel in the 80's

to convince people that the Movie Channel

was better than Cinemax.

The results of this marketing effort were negative.

[people laughing]

But the standee remains as a symbol of American optimism.

Bidding for this item will start at $50.

And hell, I have three of 'em, so take 'em all

'cause I want 'em out of my garage.

Oh my God, I want one of these.

- Really? [laughs] - Yes.

Okay.

What would you do with it?

- I don't know. - They're big.

Put it in my living room?

It's how I remember you from when I first saw you on TV.

Well what were you, four years old when you saw me on TV?

Something like that. [laughs]

I wonder where these standees were used.

I mean it's a cable network.

So it's not like they have theater lobbies.

Children's birthday parties?

No, they didn't do marketing for the Movie Channel

at children's birthday parties.

[Darcy] It looks like something

for a child's birthday party.

Well I know, that's why it didn't work.

You really were four, weren't you?

[laughs] It's like, you know,

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

[laughs] We really did have the same first book,

destined to be partners in silliness, right?

Aw, hell yeah.

[laughs] That was terrible.

How are you liking

the nonsensical plot of this movie so far?

It's fun.

I knew you were gonna say that.

♪ Christmas-- Uh, no, uh uh.

[Darcy laughs]

Christmas is a miracle and so are you.

[Joe Bob] Oh my God.

[Darcy laughs] [twinkling music]

[static hisses]

[birds chirping]

Come on, Tuna, let's go,

gotta make it to the store and back before my Pinochle game.

[Tuna] All right, all right, I'm coming.

Well let's go then.

[sighs] God Tuna, you can make a mess, go find another pair.

Come on, let's go.

[dramatic, foreboding music] [birds chirping]

Hey Sam.

Morning Miss Kesura, nice to see you.

Here you go.

Thanks honey.

[people chattering]

[door squeaks]

[playful, eerie music]

[door squeaks]

[playful, eerie music]

[door clatters]

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[door clatters]

[paper products thumping] [shelf crashes]

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[pattering footsteps] [labored breathing]

Mom.

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[pattering footsteps] [dramatic, foreboding music]

Oh, oh, excuse me, what do you think of this color?

I don't know either, I mean,

according to my color charts it should work,

but last time I followed those,

I ended up looking like a clown,

splattered with cherry syrup.

Cherry syrup is good.

Looks good on you, get a dozen.

[dramatic, foreboding music]

Where is that fatty?

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[door clatters] [dramatic, foreboding music]

[burbling liquid]

It's okay little fella, I'm not gonna hurt ya.

What on Earth do you suppose he was running from?

I don't know.

Well maybe you should go in and talk with him.

I'm sure once you do that, we can get to the bottom of this.

By the way, you're not gonna take us to court, are ya?

Chris, what happened?

Oh honey, I'm here.

Don't worry, now come on, tell me what happened.

Chris, unless you tell me what happened,

mommy can't help you.

He said he'd kill you if I told.

What, who said that?

The Ice Cream Man.

He killed small Paul last night.

Oh my God, oh honey.

[dramatic, orchestral music]

[humming engines] [dramatic, orchestral music]

[door clatters]

Nice to see you again, officers.

You Gregory Tudor?

Yes, yes I am.

[radio chattering] - Give him the warrant.

Can I keep this?

Got any large dogs, Ice Cream Man?

No.

[dramatic, orchestral music] [police radio chattering]

Why the search, officers?

[Detective] I want you to go through everything,

find any hollow doors or floors, bust 'em open.

You got it?

Yes sir.

Hell, I remember getting ice cream here when I was a kid.

Who was the guy who owned it?

Brickle, Butch Brickle.

Oh yeah, the Ice Cream King.

It's nice to see somebody's opening the place up again.

Wow, sounds like we're missing out on all the fun.

[distant crashing] [banging]

[glass tinkles]

[dramatic, orchestral music] [clattering items]

[stuttering] That's candy!

Could you search a little more carefully?

Hey um,

uh-- [items clattering]

[dramatic, orchestral music] [police banging]

This is a collectible. [police banging]

Jesus!

Hate to get my hand caught in that.

I use it to chop nuts.

[items crashing] - You find anything?

[Officer] There's nothing down here, sir.

Do you realize how long it takes to make butter brickle?

[eerie, twinkling music] [police banging]

[humming machinery] [eerie, foreboding music]

[Detective] Well Ice Cream Man,

we're sorry, we didn't find anything.

You're sorry you didn't find anything

and wrecked my place?

Or are you just sorry you didn't find anything?

You boys have the wrong house, I'm the one--

- [Officer] Whoa, hold it. - Missing dog.

Where were you last night around 6:00?

He was here, working to pay his rent.

Why are you bothering this poor boy?

I'm the one with the missing dog.

Who are you?

I'm Nurse Wharton, Gregory's landlord,

neighbor and guardian.

Serve and protect, my ass.

You have to understand, people get pretty uptight

when there's a missing child involved.

But I'm the Ice Cream Man.

I make children happy.

Today you ruined the happiness of those children

for many days to come.

Do you understand the consequences?

You know, I never thought about it like that.

Yeah, I bet you didn't!

You call this number tomorrow, tell 'em what happened.

Be sure to see [voice fades]

What about my dog?

You know, those daisies are magnificent.

How do you do that?

Actually, I chop up policemen and use 'em as fertilizer.

They make great fertilizer.

[gentle, eerie music]

[door clatters]

You know,

there's something weird going on here.

Get some background on that guy.

You got a hunch?

I might.

Let's put a tail on him anyway.

[engine humming] [quiet, eerie music]

You know, I'm sure your dog is around here somewhere.

That's very sweet of you, Gregory.

You have a happy day.

Remember, no bad days, Gregory,

only happy, happy, happy days.

[dramatic, eerie music]

[items clatter]

Oh no, don't worry,

I'm not gonna hurt ya.

What do you think, little boy?

Are you having a bad day?

Yeah, you're right.

Not every day is a happy, happy, happy day.

[machine whirring]

Ice cream, Professor?

Butter Brickle.

[machine whirring]

He's gotta keep quiet.

Suffer the little children.

Jesus so wisely admonished his disciples

on the coasts of Judea.

Suffer not to come onto thee

for such is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Always remember that neither death

nor power, nor height, nor any creature

shall be able to separate us from the love of God

which eternally rests in Christ Jesus, our Lord and Savior.

Let us pray.

[quiet, organ music]

[people chattering]

I told the police everything, they'll get him.

Yeah, but I'm still grounded for a month.

Hey, don't worry,

there might be an opening in the Rocketeers.

Hey guys, let's go.

[quiet, eerie music]

Small Paul's dead.

[distant, twinkling music]

[Heather thumps]

[distant, twinkling music]

[Racer] No one else seems to think anything's wrong.

[Tuna] But how could they let him go?

All I know, is I'm not letting him get us.

All the grownups worry about their stupid problems.

What we need to do is catch him on film.

Since when do kids go trailing murderers?

We're just kids.

We'll get killed, just like small Paul.

Look Tuna,

I know you've been through a lot more than we have,

but we' gotta do something.

Why, why is it up to us?

Why can't we just stay in our backyards

and just keep away from him?

Because we're the Rocketeers and we stick together!

We are doing this.

The three of us.

We'll need a camera.

We can take a picture of him and give it to the police.

[Racer] Hang on, I think I can get one.

[hissing static]

[cheerful, twangy music]

All right, who wouldn't want this hoodie, you know?

It'll rain on us, but it won't rain on you.

Okay, before we go back to the phones,

you may be wondering why David Warner,

as Reverend Langley is featured in a scene

where he holds up his hands to show

that they're bleeding like the hands of Jesus on the cross.

And the reason is, it's because they had paid for

a full day of David Warner's time

and [laughs] there were still some hours left

so they decided to stick that in the movie.

Organic screen writing is what you call that,

organic screen writing at its best.

And then you also may be wondering why,

in the scene where Tuna is chased through the isles

of the grocery store by the Ice Cream Man,

escaping by sliding onto the bottom of a cart

while the guy pushing the cart never notices, [laughs]

you may be wondering why he's stopped by a woman

who asks him what he thinks about the shades of lipstick

she's thinking of buying.

Because that's what women do,

they find the closest nine year old

and consult with him on cosmetics,

and the reason for that scene

is that Director Norman Apstein's wife

wanted to be in the movie,

yes, the same wife who was leaving him at the time, [laughs]

and her name was Tori Wells and she was a big porn star.

How big of a porn star is Tori Wells, Darcy?

- Huge. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Very big, all right.

You know, of all the stars in this movie,

the one I keep going back to in amazement is Olivia Hussey

who was in Franco Zeffirelli's "Romeo and Juliet,"

any number of big-budget,

prestige, international co-productions,

but I do remember that when we showed "Black Christmas,"

she had taken that role because a psychic told her

that she was going to Canada and so when the offer came in

for a cheap horror flick in Canada,

she felt like she had to go, the psychic told her. [laughs]

So she would occasionally do these low-budge movies,

apparently, for paranormal reasons.

She was also in "Psycho Four, in the Beginning."

She was in a Steve Railsback futuristic drama

called "Turkey Shoot."

She had a habit of taking these roles

that I'm sure her management advised her against.

- Good for her. - Yeah,

well the one big star that people may not remember today

is Andrea Evans as Wanda.

She was huge as the blond bombshell in the daytime soaps.

She was on The Young and the Restless,

The Bold and the Beautiful,

One Life to Live, she was always this sexy vixen

and I actually don't know exactly

what Wanda is supposed to be doing in this movie.

She seems to be a mistress and a hooker

and somebody who just is a nympho, wants sex all the time.

What's the line when she goes up to the ice cream truck

and she says, "I want a gallon of your biggest hard pack,"

or something like that. [laughs]

So they say they worried about getting a hard R rating

for a movie that's directed at pre-teens,

but then they put dick jokes in a scene with eight children.

So this movie is just schizophrenic.

It's fun.

I know, okay.

It's time for the Rocketeers to swing into

investigative action to bring down the Ice Cream Man,

but I wanna remind you that we're still raising money

for First Book, the charity for underprivileged toddlers

who need some help getting to first grade

and we're now gonna add our second charity of the night--

[Darcy] All right.

We always have a women's charity

in honor of what Jesus' mother went through on Christmas.

And so this year,

it's the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence,

and no, we're not saying that Joseph beat Mary.

That's not what we're saying.

When I suggested this charity,

somebody on the staff here told me,

"Joseph was not mean to Mary."

And I'm like, "Look,

"it's not a one-to-one equivalence, okay?

"It's a female charity."

Most domestic violence is against women.

So, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence,

it's not a shelter, what they do is

they support all the shelters

by working at the highest levels of government.

So they get new legislation passed

and they work with judges and attorneys.

They train police officers

and they use grassroots pressure

to make the world safer for women.

And we like 'em and so we're raising money for 'em,

starting now, and I'll repeat again,

if you can't afford to bid on the auction items,

you can still buy a tote bag

or a shirt, or a hoodie or all three

and you'll do a lot of good for the world.

Darcy, do you have anything to add?

Mm, you should probably mention

that the ice cream is actually mashed potatoes.

Oh in the movie, all right.

Yeah, masterful special effects.

Mashed, [laughs] I should involve you in the analysis more.

You're an "Ice Cream Man" expert.

The director really wanted Clint

to have a gravely voice,

so everyday, as he's driving into work,

he would roll up the windows

and scream as loud as he could for 20 minutes,

the length that it took to get to the studio,

so by the time he got there,

he would have no choice but to sound gravely.

Do you know where I learned that from?

From Clint.

- Nope. - You got that from Clint.

From your interview with Clint

on Monster Vision, 25 years ago.

[sighs] [laughs] Again,

when you were four years old, right? [laughs]

- Something like that. - All right,

what do you think of our charities so far tonight, though?

You're a mom, so presumably,

you bought your kid his first book.

And you're opposed to domestic violence.

You know, not that anyone is in favor of domestic violence,

[laughs] I mean, but that's one of your causes, right?

- It is, yeah. - Okay,

you've got a very interesting auction item.

Go ahead into that.

I do.

From the classic Roger Corman episode, The Last Drive-In,

the Audrey Two puppet, from the musical version

of "Little Shop of Horrors,"

because I like the Rick Moranis musical

better than the original.

[Joe Bob] You would give up your Audrey Two?

[Darcy] I'm giving it up.

[Joe Bob] You love that Audrey Two puppet--

- Yeah. - Or whatever it is.

[Darcy] I love Rick Moranis. [laughs]

Well, we can't auction off Rick Moranis, so.

If we could, I would be top dollar.

I know you would and it's scary.

All of your crushes are scary.

True.

All right, no singing.

You're not singing, you're not singing.

[phones ringing]

Christmas is a miracle and so are you.

[Joe Bob sighs] [twinkling music]

[hissing static]

[Racer mimics a crow]

That was a bird?

I can't do bird calls.

You said you could.

I didn't wanna look stupid.

- I got news for you-- - shut up.

I can hear you guys all the way in the backyard.

Let's go.

[bicycles rattling] [squeaking]

Okay guys, it's 11:45. [sighs]

We've been out for 35 minutes.

Let's take a break.

[sighs] You know,

maybe the Ice Cream Man thinks he's the Pied Piper.

[Tuna] Huh?

Well, he drives around in this truck,

playing the music and all the kids come running,

but then, he catches one of them alone--

Yeah well um, let's not talk about that right now.

[gasps] Get down!

[engine humming] [quiet, dramatic music]

[whispers] Let's go.

[bicycles clattering] [squeaking]

[Racer] Come on, Tuna!

[bicycles clattering] [gentle, dramatic music]

[door clatters] [squeaks]

[gentle, dramatic music]

[door swishes] [gentle, dramatic music]

[dramatic, eerie music]

[bicycles clatter] [squeak]

Tuna, come on!

[bicycles rattling] [gentle, dramatic music]

[wind hissing]

Where the hell's he going?

Shh.

Small Paul.

I wanna go back, I wanna go back.

[knife thunks]

What's he doing with small Paul?

[Racer] I don't know, I can't tell.

What is it?

It's,

it's ice cream.

I'm fixing up a little party for you.

You're gonna like this one. [laughs]

Looks like you got a lot of friends.

I didn't know how much ice cream to bring.

You can pass it out later.

I'm doing really good.

Yeah, they love ice cream. [laughs]

It's gonna be a good summer.

Hey, would you mind your business?

I'm talking to somebody.

You guys having a party?

[gentle, dramatic music]

[Ice Cream Man whimpers]

[cheerful, twinkling music]

You have a happy, happy day.

[quiet, gentle music]

Sure is getting noisy around here.

[gentle, eerie music]

[engine humming] [gentle, eerie music]

Butch Brickle, ice cream king.

Let's go.

[gentle, eerie music]

[Gregory] One four nine.

[gentle, eerie music]

[bicycles rattling]

I lost track of Tuna, we'd better get back.

[Heather] You go.

What?

I'll be fine.

Just give me your bike so I can have a rocket.

I don't think so.

Don't worry, I'm a Rocketeer.

Just make sure Tuna didn't fall or something.

Meet me back here, all right?

And hurry. [sighs]

[quiet, dramatic music]

[camera clicking] [dramatic, suspenseful music]

Tuna, you okay?

No.

Well what's wrong?

My sides are killing me, I feel like I wanna puke.

Hey, where's Heather?

I left her back at the ice cream truck.

[quiet, dramatic music]

[whispers] Small Paul.

[camera snaps] [Heather exhales]

[Tuna screams]

[rocket blasts]

Holy shit, kid's got a gun!

[engine rattling] [humming]

This isn't a game, boys.

There's a child stalker out there

and you two are playing cops and robbers.

But what about Heather, she's gonna die!

The Ice Cream Man's got her!

I've already called it in,

there's someone already on the way to her house.

Her house, she's not in her house!

Hey!

You guys wanna end up on a milk carton?

[engine hums]

[door clatters] [knocking]

I'm sorry to disturb you, Reverend Langley,

but we had a report that your daughter,

Heather, was missing.

No, she's tucked away in bed, has been all night.

What's the matter, Charles?

I hate to do this, sir, but could you please check on her?

[door squeaks] [clatters]

[door clicks]

[door squeaks quietly]

[quiet, dramatic music]

[door clatters]

She's sleeping like a baby.

Come to church on Sunday, Charles,

I'm giving a sermon on trust.

[door squeaks] [clatters]

[sighs] Damn.

[Police Radio] The Langley girl is fine,

sleeping like a baby.

10-4.

Look boys, enough of these stories.

- But-- - First the Ice Cream Man

kills the Weatherly boy and now the Langley girl?

I mean, we've had it up to here.

[engine revs]

[birds chirping] [camera clicking]

[Clerk] When do you want 'em?

It says one hour.

You could get our duplicates

or you could get our eight hour service for

10, depends on how many exposures come out.

I need those immediately.

Four by six oversize is

14 bucks, three by five regular--

How soon?

One hour. [Heather sighs]

14 bucks, one day,

12. [zipper buzzes]

Back in an hour.

[distant traffic humming]

[gentle, dramatic music]

[Gregory knocks]

The Ice Cream Man is like the Pied Piper, only evil.

[Tuna] What?

Well he drives around in his truck, tempting all the kids,

and they follow him,

and slowly, he gets rid of them, like rats.

[Tuna] Ha, another.

Lovely, we only need $10 worth of quarters,

then we can pick up the film.

[Racer] I think we got it.

[bank rattles] [thunks]

Johnny, what the hell are you doing with my camera?

Where's the film?

Start with you, where's the film?

Here, let's go, come on, I got it, let's go.

[twinkling, cheery music] [birds chirping]

[door clatters]

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

Hey, get that hunk of junk outta here.

Hey, hey Ice Cream Man! [thumps door]

Come on, let's go, I'm in a hurry here! [thumps door]

Yo, come on, this isn't a parking lot.

Hey, Ice Cream Man!

[Martin screaming] - This is not a hunk of junk!

[knocking at the door] [pattering footsteps]

Well hello.

If I'd known this was delivery day,

why that stand-in would have never made it through the door.

I brought you something special.

Oh, [laughs] sounds yummy.

You know, we should swap recipes, uh,

cream sickle and a custard pie. [laughs]

[woman screaming]

[pick thunks]

Well I checked out Ice Cream Man, couldn't find squat,

but that weird lady, with the dog?

I remember she was just as flipped as he was.

You're talking about the nurse?

[door clatters] - Yeah, Nurse Wharton.

I called and checked on her nursing license,

she had a career from 1950 to 1993,

spent the last 20 at some private clinic called

Wishing Well for the Mentally Disturbed.

I can't believe those little perverts,

what the hell were they doing, developing my pictures?

[Janet] Oh my God!

I'm gonna kill those bastards.

[machine humming]

[Janet screams]

[static hissing]

[cheerful, twangy music]

Remember when David Naughton used to sing,

I'm a pepper, you're a pepper?

Or whatever that Dr. Pepper song was,

remember how you wanted to cram

a hot waffle iron into his face?

[people laughing] Well here you go!

Not only that, Clint Howard

somehow manages to turn him into a waffle cone. [laughing]

And by the way, did you notice

that when the Rocketeers wanna hide from the Ice Cream Man,

they hide behind their bikes?

Has anyone ever successfully hidden behind a bicycle?

But perhaps the best scene in the movie

is the ice cream man at the grave of Butch Brickle,

the Ice Cream King, who we now know

because of seeing the clipping on the wall

of the ice cream parlor was dealing drugs

out of his ice cream truck

and that's why he was machine gunned to death

in front of impressionable little Gregory

in the opening scene of the movie.

And speaking of additional characters

that we don't really need,

are Jan-Michael Vincent and Lee Majors the Second,

the most boring, inept, passionless cops

in the history of buddy cop screen writing and acting.

I mean, not only do they put the audience to sleep,

but Jan-Michael Vincent appears to be sleeping! [laughs]

And you know, there's another character

that has no business being in the movie, but he's here.

I don't know how many people remember him,

but the grocery store manager is Doug Llewelyn,

the announcer, reporter guy on People's Court,

the original People's Court,

the original one with Judge Wapner,

very recognizable face at the time of this movie.

And they put a line in about being sued

in case people didn't get that it was Doug Llewelyn,

he says, "By the way,

"you're not gonna take this to court, are you?"

So, [laughs] all right,

are you turkeys, back there on the phones,

raising any money for

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence?

Are ya, okay, good.

Are we moving those Last Drive-In hoodies?

Are they going for the $150 on the hoodie?

All right.

What about the tote bags?

I am toting.

[laughs] Okay, great.

Darcy, do you think this movie crosses the line?

Does this go towards pedophilia?

Does this endorse child endangerment?

- Absolutely not. - Okay,

I don't either, but that's what some people say.

But in the next sequence,

where the Ice Cream Man is continuing to bond

with small Paul, the director said this about that scene,

he said, "This is wrong, wrong, wrong,

"holding that little boy in a cell

"and it gets even wronger as their relationship develops.

"He's supposed to have

"this kind of Stockholm Syndrome thing,

"connecting with his captor,

"and of course, who doesn't love ice cream?

"Clint and I both cringe over these scenes,

"how did we not recognize this at the time?

"I guess we were both in the midst of making the movie

"so we didn't recognize it."

I don't know.

Would you say that about "Home Alone?"

You know, and by the way,

small Paul looks kinda like Macaulay Culkin,

don't you think?

I mean, in "Home Alone" the kid is in danger

in about 90% of the movie.

You know, but it's what happens to the kid that matters

and we don't know what happens yet to this kid, right?

Right.

Okay, so all right, before we go back to the movie,

I just wanna remind you that you can bid

on any of the junk that we have, I mean,

you can bid on the valuable

Last Drive-In memorabilia that we have,

including this item.

Starting at $100, you can own the very jacket

that I'm wearing tonight. [laughs]

I'm a size 46, but it's not exactly a skin tight garment.

So be the oddball at your Christmas party by bidding now.

You think this will get as much money as your reindeer bra

that we sold last year?

Oh, it's more practical.

I kinda wanted that reindeer bra.

I miss it, I wanted to bid on it actually.

I miss that reindeer bra.

You wanted it how?

I don't know, just it spoke to me.

It wasn't really a bra,

it was more like crocheted pasties.

Oh, that's what I mean, see,

the idea of crocheted pasties, who could resist that?

Okay. [people laughing]

Don't okay me.

Why?

You're saying I'm crazy,

but you're not gonna say it out loud.

Because I said, "Okay?"

Yes, that's what okay means.

Respect my lifestyle choices, Darcy, it's 2021.

Anything you say.

Anything you say is a form of okay.

Oh my God, that's silly.

That's silly is a form of anything you say,

which is a form of okay.

You have nothing to say to that?

I'll get you a brand new bra.

That's not the point.

♪ Christmas is a miracle

♪ And so are you

Who is that?

[Man] That's Doug the gaffer.

[Darcy chuckles]

[sighs] Where am I?

[Darcy laughing] [twinkling music]

[hissing static]

[machine whirring] [cheerful, twinkling music]

You know, this is the whole secret to making ice cream.

It's this kinda, secret ingredient I put in it.

[machinery clanks] Here, come on,

let's go put it in.

You gotta just dump a little bit of this stuff in,

makes it sweet, see?

You gotta just put a little bit in.

It's the special amount you put in.

Now, the trick is stirring it in just right.

[liquid sloshes]

Would you like to stir?

Yeah.

Here you go.

[liquid gurgles] Oh now, watch your hand.

That blade, that blade'll take your hand right off.

[Paul laughs] [Gregory laughs]

[liquid gurgles] There you go.

Woo!

[Paul chuckling] [liquid burbling]

[sifter swishes]

[gentle, twinkling music]

[colander rattles] [gentle, twinkling music]

Do you really think your brother's

gonna pick up those pictures without looking at them?

I don't know.

He's stupid enough.

[quiet, suspenseful music]

Well what happens if he's not?

[gasps] Geez, what are you, stupid?

[Racer] Did you see the truck?

No, I gotta get home.

If my mom finds out I snuck out again--

We'll ride with you.

I'll be fine.

We're riding with you.

Things aren't the same as they used to be around here,

more patients have died and some pockets dried up.

Hm, course when you die, you'll dry up. [laughs]

Why all the plastic flowers?

Because real ones die.

We want happy patients.

So you do shock therapy lobotomy, like that cuckoo movie?

We believe in keeping our patients happy.

We believe in compassion.

[Patient] Help me!

Shut up!

You remember a Nurse Wharton?

Do I, [laughs] oh.

Hell, everybody did.

What was it that everybody liked so much

about Nurse Wharton?

She gave everybody ice cream.

When the pain and the loneliness came,

[inhales] she cared for the patient.

[whispering] Gregory was her favorite.

- Gregory? - Mm.

Gregory Tudor?

[Patient] Oh God, do something!

Anthony's getting out of hand.

I must ask you two to leave.

[door clatters]

This is not a happy day! [laughing]

[creepy, twinkling music] [doctor laughing]

[pattering footsteps] [distant laughter]

[creepy, quiet music] [muttering]

[Detective] Oh my God.

[pattering footsteps] [creepy, quiet music]

[distant laughter] [creepy, quiet music]

[door clatters]

[creepy, quiet music]

Remember,

only,

happy days.

A bad day, gentlemen, a very bad day.

[laughs] ♪ Come out, come out today

♪ Come out, come out, it's a wonderful day ♪

♪ Come out, come out, come out today ♪

[doctor singing creepily] [gentle, eerie music]

[Patient] Only happy days.

Let's get out of here, [mutters] Sheriff.

This isn't our jurisdiction.

[creepy, dramatic music]

[evil laughter] [creepy, dramatic music]

All right, I'll meet you at the car.

[creepy, dramatic music] [evil laughter]

[door clatter]

[woman laughing]

[doors clatter]

[creepy, dramatic music]

[bodies thumping] [creepy, dramatic music]

No one leaves the wishing well, doctor's orders. [laughs]

[doctor laughing] [creepy, dramatic music]

[patient screams wildly]

[fist smacks]

[body thumps] [patient grunts]

[patient yells] [fist smacks]

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[mutters] everywhere!

[pattering footsteps]

Cloverdale, this is Detective Maldon, Riverside P.D.

Emergency, repeat, emergency.

[Radio] Go ahead, Detective.

[gun blasting]

Yeah, we're at the Wishing Well Hospital,

get some people down here quick.

[Radio] Do you have an address on the Wishing Well?

[dramatic, suspenseful music] [officer yelling]

[Detective] Come on, let's get outta here.

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[engine revs]

[Officer] Come on,

that way, go!

[pattering feet] [dramatic music]

[hissing static]

[cheerful, twangy music]

Darcy, when I promise cosplay, I deliver cosplay.

Dude, I am so impressed. [Joe Bob chuckles]

Amazing. - I think I

shoulds done one of the mental patients, 'cause--

No way, this is so much better.

All right, well you know the guy hanging from the rafters,

upside down in a straight jacket,

laughing like crazy in that scene?

- Yeah? - That's Norman Apstein,

the director, not only doing a Hitchcock moment,

but probably expressing his inner self

during the making of this movie.

I'm actually expressing my inner self right now

'cause remember when I dressed up like a taco for Halloween?

How could we forget?

All right, I'm cosplaying all the major junk food groups,

so it's-- [laughs]

It's good to have goals.

I'm not really sure the reason

for the whole Wishing Well loony bin sequence

other than to take a really vicious shot

at the mentally ill.

Those are the most aggressive mental patients

in the history of asylums.

Jan-Michael Vincent's escape from the zombie hoard,

'cause they do see like zombies, right?

His escape seems like it's in slow motion

and he's just mildly annoyed,

although the soundtrack music indicates

he's probably in mortal danger.

And we also had a brief Kung Fu sequence

in which Lee Majors the Second knocks out

a few aggressive patients and you still like this movie?

I love everything about this movie.

Okay, well the real reason I'm dressed up

like the Ice Cream Man is that we're still raising money

for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

and you have two ways to contribute,

you can buy a Last Drive-In tote bag for $50,

you can get a tote bag and a shirt for $100,

or you can get a tote bag, a shirt and this hoodie for $150.

So, that's the first way you can contribute

and the second way is to participate in our ongoing auction.

The bids were so high last year

that a lot of people who wanted to participate

got aced out of the process pretty early

and that's why we added the easier way to give.

So, Darcy, as the expert on "The Ice Cream Man,"

what else should we know about this movie?

Well, when the Ice Cream Man goes to the sink

and uses the sieve to see what comes out of the grinder--

- Yeah? - One of the items

is the diaphragm of Wanda.

[people laugh] - Wow, okay.

Very alert, so he's showing a kid

how to put diaphragms of dead hookers

into the secret ice cream recipe.

I mean, I'm not sure it's exactly that, but maybe.

[people laugh]

You know, I take it back, I sorta do like this movie

because who does that? [laughs]

Exactly, it's fun.

That's true, diaphragms are always fun.

Before we go to the bizarre conclusion of "Ice Cream Man,"

I wanted to mention two actors that I have not mentioned yet

and that's Justin Isfeld, who plays Johnny,

the son of the Steve Garvey character

and the younger brother of Jake,

and Jake is the wannabe cop who takes pictures of himself

having sex with his girlfriend.

Justin is actually the second lead in the movie,

after Clint Howard.

I think he's supposed to be

the main member of the Rocketeers.

Although the one that comes across as the most sensible

and shows the most signs of leadership

is Andi McAfee as Heather Langley,

the daughter of David Warner.

She was actually 14 at the time,

although she looks much younger in the movie.

Of all these kids, she turned out to be

the most successful, actually.

She's a much in demand voiceover actress.

She has done dozens, if not hundreds

of video games, TV series, animated movies.

Justin Isfeld also had a little bit of a career,

he was in all the "American Pie" movies,

but hadn't been seen for about 10 years now.

Okay Darcy, anything else?

The guy behind the photo counter?

Yeah, who was that?

He looked kinda familiar.

Lumpy Adams, from the Adams Family.

Oh, this is just a big name jamboree, this movie. [laughs]

[Darcy] Right, it totally is.

Okay, all right, we now have five auction items,

we have my script from "The Stand,"

we have the surgical scissors

you used in the "Exorcist Three" episode,

we have the life-sized standee or yours truly

from the 80's at the movie channel, [laughing]

we have your Audrey Two puppet

from the Roger Corman episode

and we have the Christmas jacket

that I was wearing before I decided to dress

as the Ice Cream Man.

So, any of those items can be bid on,

just go to the website for a full description,

but tell me what's the next one, Darcy.

In 1990, Joe Bob celebrated the 5th anniversary

of his show on the Movie Channel

by traveling to Las Vegas and meeting Wayne Newton

and the star of "Tarzan the Ape Man" with Bo Derek.

This is the original Sony tape of those segments.

First of all, where did you get that?

I'm digitizing all your old shows, you know that.

I'm your archivist.

Secondly, that is old school, Sony, one inch tape,

nobody has any recording device

that can actually play that.

Only geeks who worked at TV stations in the 70's

would even know how to cue that up.

I know, but it's a really cool souvenir

and I'll throw in a copy on VHS.

You're gonna give 'em a copy they can play?

[Darcy] If you have a VHS, it's easier to watch.

All right, well, it's no reindeer bra, but,

and you shouldn't tell people that Bo Derek

is in the show though,

'cause it's not Bo Derek in the show, it's Miles O'Keeffe,

the guy who played Tarzan opposite Bo Derek.

He's famous as the Tarzan who never spoke. [laughs]

Yeah, he's hot. [laughs]

I know he's hot, but people probably don't remember

that particular version of Tarzan.

Wayne Newton, though, is indeed in the show.

He came to the Elvis Suite of the Las Vegas Hilton

so we could shoot that scene.

So do you not want me to auction it off?

No, I don't care, you can auction it off, but,

you know, they might need it for the Wayne Newton Museum.

[people laugh] - There's a Wayne Newton--

No, there is no, but maybe someday there will be

'cause he sold Casa de Shenandoah though.

And?

That was his ranch, out in the middle of Vegas.

So I can auction the tape?

You can auction the tape,

but you have to tell people

it has no practical value whatsoever.

All right, then that's my final answer.

Okay, you're gonna get $5.00 for that tape. [laughs]

[Darcy] I think not.

All right, we'll see.

Okay, back to the movie.

How many of those Sony one inch tapes

from the dark ages of television did you find in this--

Millions, I think. [laughs]

Oh God. [sighs]

All right, now, don't tell me,

the gorilla's gonna sing now, right?

[gentle, quiet music]

All right. [twinkling music]

[hissing static]

[Racer] Ram Tuna.

[Tuna] Be quiet, I'm moving as fast as I can.

[Racer] [laughs] That's your fastest?

[Tuna] Shut up.

[Racer] [laughs] You shut up.

[Heather screams] Oh crap! [mutters]

Go, hurry, hurry!

[Heather] Don't stop pedaling!

[Tuna] He's gonna run us over!

Go!

[laughs] Trolling for tuna.

[bicycle clatters] [dramatic music]

[muffled screaming] [dramatic music]

You're ice cream. [door thunks]

[dramatic, suspenseful music] [muffled screaming]

[Jacob] Okay, pump it.

[engine revs] One more time.

[engine revs] Good.

All right, shut it off.

[door clatters]

[Racer] Jacob!

Jacob, call the police, call the police,

the Ice Cream Man just got Tuna!

Calm down, calm down, you can't call the police.

You're the guys who cried wolf.

Look, besides, we don't have any evidence

and obviously, either do the police

or they would have him my now.

So, [sighs] this is my chance to mess him up.

Come on, we've got to do something.

Cut the Lone Ranger shit, you're not a police officer.

Janet, I got the gun, the badge'll follow.

Oh no.

Listen, you guys, you're gonna get in the car, all right?

Anything goes wrong, all you have to do

is call in the radio, you call in for backup, all right?

Look, I think we should just call the police.

No look, let's just go help the fat kid

while there's still time.

Get in the car, please?

I need you to look after these two.

There's still no sign of Charlie or Gus?

[Radio] No word.

Well get some backup over to that ice cream parlor.

Keep trying to reach those officers.

Who is he?

He's the king.

Yes.

He's like the Pied Piper.

Chases away all the bad and leaves a world of good.

Yes.

[engine humming]

Now it's illegal to use this channel unless you're P.D.

So nobody calls in unless it's an emergency, okay?

Now this is serious,

I want you all to stay in the car no matter what.

You hear shots or screams or anything funny,

you press the button, you radio it in

and then you hit my alarm, okay?

It sounds like a police siren.

Be careful.

[gun clicks]

[door clatters]

[nervous breathing]

Sounds like we got a customer.

Come on.

[gentle, quiet music]

I'll be right back.

[gentle, twinkling music]

[door squeaks]

[gentle, suspenseful music]

[dramatic, suspenseful music] [pattering footsteps]

What's he doing?

I don't know,

but he better get the hell out of there soon.

Oh come on, Jacob. [sighs]

[door thunks] [shuffling footsteps]

[door clatters] [squeaks]

Hiya, honey! [Janet screams]

[children screaming]

That's what I call a brain freeze.

[children screaming]

Cream sickle!

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[Paul laughing]

This is gonna be fun. [zipper buzzes]

[Racer grunts]

Come on.

Come on!

[children scream]

[gate rattling] [screaming]

Hurry!

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[screams] How are we gonna get outta here?

I don't know, we'll find a way,

we'll find a way out of here.

[Gregory] Psst, hey kids!

Over here, I'm a cop!

What are you doing running from the Ice Cream Man?

Don't you know that he slaves day and night

to make his treats for you?

It's like Big Ice always said,

"You can't always find a sweet kid,

"but you can make a kid sweet."

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[children screaming]

Hurry! [children screaming]

[Racer] Come on! [labored breathing]

Hey kids, don't you know there's a curfew?

Kids, always getting in trouble,

kinda makes your head spin.

Yeah, looks like yours spun right off. [laughing]

Boy, I didn't know you cops

had such a hearty sense of humor.

That's us, hearty.

Good humor. [laughs]

Shut up, you're not funny.

[dramatic, foreboding music]

[gate rattling] [labored breathing]

[Heather] I can't make it!

Don't you know you can't run from the long arm of the law?

Oh shit, oh shit. [screams]

[dramatic, eerie music]

[children screaming]

Christ Frank, you can't just jump on women,

you gotta take it slow, charm 'em.

[head thunks]

[dramatic, foreboding music]

I guess two heads aren't better than one.

[panicked breathing]

[Racer] Where do we go?

[dramatic, foreboding music] [metal clanking]

Hey you guys.

Gregory?

[twinkling cheery music]

What's all this infernal racket?

Sorry Nurse Wharton,

some of the neighborhood kids wanted to play hide and seek.

I told 'em it was too late, but they--

Oh my little Greggor,

always so kind to the little children.

We'll try to be more quiet.

Okay, good luck.

[labored breathing] [dramatic music]

What are we gonna do?

Shh, shh, just stay quiet.

He's gonna get us,

he's gonna get us just like everybody else.

[labored breathing] [dramatic music]

There's somebody in there.

Let's get help.

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

Hurry, open up, open, please, hurry up! [thumping door]

What is all this noise?

He's after us!

Come on it's the Ice Cream Man!

Oh my, quick quick, we'll have to hide you,

come on, come on inside, quickly.

Hide and seek, hide and seek.

[door clatters]

[Radio] We're over at the Spodak house,

we have a report of three missing kids now.

I don't give a damn.

Warrant or not, we're going in.

[dramatic, foreboding music]

You kids don't wanna play with the Ice Cream Man?

You like his treats,

but you don't stick by him when he needs ya.

[door squeaks]

Oh, who died and made you prince?

What, are you trying to run?

No, you can't run from the Ice Cream Man.

You do that, you won't get any ice cream.

[Officer] Hey,

freeze!

I mean it!

[door clatters]

[Gregory hollers enthusiastically]

You know, you want some ice cream?

Yeah, how about some ice cream, hm?

Yeah, you like that.

This is nice.

[Officer] Keep that kid visible at all times!

Let us see the kid.

[Gregory] I make the terms, blue belly man.

[door swishes]

Check the back.

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[scoops thunk] [men grunt]

Now, where was I?

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[Nurse Wharton] Gregory?

Ah, my little twin pops.

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

[door squeaks] [thumps]

[quiet, dramatic music]

[screaming] He'll kill us!

Gregory wins hide and seek. [children screaming]

[Paul] Gregory!

[Gregory] Butch.

Butch Brickle.

[dramatic, suspenseful music]

Ice Cream Man.

[gentle, dramatic music]

Now Gregory, you're going to be with us a very long time

and I want you to get something straight,

there are no bad days here at Wishing Well, only happy days.

What kind of a day are you having, Gregory?

Gregory.

[Gregory screaming]

[quiet, dramatic music]

[Gregory] It's a happy day.

Thanks, Ice Cream Man.

[eerie, twinkling music]

Happy, happy day.

[eerie, twinkling music]

[Gregory screaming] [thunking]

[dramatic, suspenseful music] [liquid sloshing]

Who's the Pied Piper now, Ice Cream Dick?

[gentle, melancholy music] [birds chirping]

[Nurse Wharton] Did you find my dog?

[gun clicks]

[Heather] Small Paul!

[Nurse Wharton] Where's Gregory?

[birds chirping] [quiet, melancholy music]

Bye daddy.

[quiet, melancholy music] [birds chirping]

Hey guys.

[Group] Hey.

Woo! [laughs]

[laughs] Thanks.

[sighs] You ready?

Let's do it.

Wow.

[hands claps] [boys chuckle]

- All right. - Yeah.

So where's small Paul?

Where else?

Therapy.

[quiet, foreboding music]

[crank squeaking]

[playful, eerie music]

[sexy, rhythmic music]

[static hissing]

Okay, so they set it up for a sequel

with small Paul becoming the Ice Cream Man,

but of course, there was no sequel

because the movie was a box office disaster.

I think my two favorite Clint Howard moments though

are when he leaps down off the truck

and knocks out both cops

with ice cream scoops to the cranium. [laughs]

And of course, the scene where he does

the impromptu puppet show with the two disembodied heads.

On the day they shot that, actually,

Clint asked his dad, Rance Howard,

who was also a character actor,

to come to the set and coach him through that scene.

So okay Darcy, how did you like your gift?

I loved it, thank you so much.

[laughs] All right.

I guess "Ice Cream Man" is one of the three or four

major roles of Clint Howard's career.

We had him last season in "Evil Speak."

A lot of people like his character

in "Rock and Roll High School."

Then he had those heartwarming roles in "Gentle Ben"

and "The Red Pony," when he was still a kid.

Clint told me that he was at a Dodger's game

a few years later, after making "Ice Cream Man,"

and Steve Garvey was there, and of course,

Steve Garvey was Mr. Dodger, I mean,

I think he was the first guy

ever voted onto the All-Star Team as a write in candidate.

That's how much the fans loved him in L.A.

And so Clint saw him coming and he says,

"Hey Steve, remember me, Ice Cream Man?"

And Steve Garvey could not run fast enough

in the other direction. [laughing]

He definitely did not want to be reminded of this movie.

But Clint and Norman Apstein, the director, became friends

and they say they occasionally talk about doing a sequel,

but Clint says, "And then we take a nap and we're better."

[Joe Bob laughs] - Aw, we need one.

Because he says it gets too close to pedophilia

to be acceptable to distributors today.

So I don't really think so,

I think it's too comedic to summon up those ideas, right?

It's fine, they're overreacting.

[Joe Bob] Did they get slammed

by the media or something because--

I don't think so, they're just kinda speculating.

Anyway, I think it's getting kinda late in the game

to do a sequel anyway.

Just as a reminder, we're still raising money

for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

and First Book and how are we doing, John Brennan?

We can't answer these phones fast enough.

Really, okay, great.

Should they do a sequel to "Ice Cream Man?"

Hogzilla Two!

[everyone laughing] Hogzilla Two!

Hogzilla!

Why do I even think I can get John to talk to me?

All right, Norman Apstein's directing career

was from about 1985 to about 2000,

125 films, all of them porn films except this one.

His most famous movies are "Edward Penis Hands,"

"Intercourse with a Vampire,"

and "Sperm Bitches."

Have you seen "Sperm Bitches," Darcy?

Who hasn't?

[everyone laughs]

But he grew up, Norman grew up in Hollywood.

He's the son of veteran television writer, Theodore Apstein

who wrote for Kung Fu, The Walton's, Ben Casey,

Daniel Boone, The Virginian, he goes way back.

He wrote a well-received Broadway play.

His father's career goes back to live TV

in New York, back in the early 50's.

So Apstein grew up in the business

and David Dobkin, the co-screenwriter

would make some hit feature films including

"Wedding Crashers," and he created the series

Into the Badlands and we were just talking about this,

he created "Green Eggs and Ham."

Would you like them in a house?

Would you like them with a mouse? [laughs]

Dr. Seuss, Dr. Seuss just never goes away.

So David Dobkins is partner on the screenplay,

fellow USC student, Sven Davison, became a novelist.

Jan-Micheal Vincent, who at one time,

was considered on the road to super stardom,

back when he was making films like "White Line Fever,"

and "Big Wednesday," and "The Mechanic,"

he didn't last much longer in Hollywood after this film.

His last film was "White Boy," in 2002

and then he lived out the rest of his life

in Redwood, Mississippi,

where he died pretty much in seclusion in 2019.

I should also mention, E.E. Bell

as the happy, happy, happy day doctor,

very well-respected character actor, still working today.

And also, if you wanna get a sense of the yin and the yang

of Clint Howard's life,

he actually made two movies that were released in 1995

and the other movie was "Apollo 13." [laughs]

So-- - Eh.

Okay Darcy,

we are done with yet another Clint Howard masterpiece.

So now where's my Christmas gift?

I can't tell you yet.

Better be a movie I know something about.

Oh, it is.

[Joe Bob] All right.

It's one you've wanted me to cosplay for a very long time.

Oh no, really, okay.

Well that can only be one movie

and are you gonna cosplay it?

I definitely am.

All right, that truly is a great Christmas gift

'cause as you know, if they ever remake that movie,

I think you should star in the remake

because this is exciting.

Okay, reminding everyone that you can buy

the Last Drive-In merch for $50, $100, and 150 bucks,

depending on whether you want the tote bag

or the tote bag and the shirt

or the tote bag and the shirt and the hoodie

and all the money goes to our four charities tonight,

I didn't even show it, I just grabbed it out of the thing,

[laughing] I didn't even show what it looks like.

Anyway, for $150, you get the hoodie and,

you get all three of 'em for $150.

So we try to do charities that mirror the Christmas story.

So tonight that's women, children, homelessness and animals.

And so far we've done women and children.

I shoulda known what the second movie is

because of the, we have to do an animal charity,

and it relates to that,

which we will reveal during the second feature.

Okay Darcy, I need you to keep us organized.

How can I do that?

Start getting into cosplay for that second feature

[laughing] is what you--

How about at the first break?

All right, perfect.

And in the meantime,

please keep ordering Last Drive-In merchandise

for our charities and

usually we show the new auction item on a pedestal,

I don't know how we can do this one,

but our 7th auction item of the evening

is an all expense paid visit

to the set of The Last Drive-In during the broadcast

of a season four episode for two people.

Plane and hotel included,

you can sit right behind the camera

and annoy Austin and Yuki.

[Darcy] Nice. [laughs]

[laughs] And that's it for now.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you

to never ask a man the size of his spread

and the drive-in will never die.

So, this is the season of birth, right?

So we're honoring Jesus' birth,

so as I point out every year,

Jesus' birth had to be hard on Joseph.

'Cause he's having to explain

how she got pregnant in the first place.

Plus, he just walked 97 miles

to sleep in a cave full of barnyard smells

and there's nobody there to say,

"Hey Joseph, you know, you did your part too."

You know, [laughs] 'cause in this case,

he didn't really do his part,

he didn't really do anything to make the baby.

So I have a joke for that.

Of course you do.

[laughs] Four guys are in the hospital waiting room

because their wives are having babies

and the nurse goes up to the first guy and says,

"Congratulation, you're the father of twins!"

And the guys says, "That's great

"'cause I work for the Minnesota Twins."

And the nurse says to the second guy,

"Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!"

And the second guy says, "Well it must be fate,

"I work for the Three M Company."

And the nurse tells the third guy,

"Congratulations, you're the father of quadruplets!"

And the guy says, "Wow, you know what?

"I work for Four Seasons Hotels."

She gets to the last man in the room

and he's groaning, he's banging his head against the wall

and the nurse says, "What's wrong?"

And he says, "I work for 7-Eleven."

[scattered laughter]

No.

[cheery, twinkling music]

[hissing static]