Original subtitles

Nice hat.

Oh, yeah, something I'm trying out.

My thought was, most people can't pull off

the hat, but I'm one of the lucky few who has the perfect bone structure for it.

Some say it's just me and Robert Downey Jr.

But don't know, it's cool.

Hey, maybe I should get a matching.

That would be like a team.

We're not a team.

We are a team.

I mean, we have lunch together every day.

We play Xbox every night.

We do Fijita Fridays.

We finish each other fajitas.

If that doesn't make us a team, then what are we to each other?

What are we?

I'm the general manager.

And you are the boss's son who, instead of having an actual job,

follows me around every day asking, what are we to each other?

Great. Let's get asked for that.

When's your jazz trio performance. Cool hat.

It looks like you're in the press bowl for the moon landing.

That is fantastic, Ben.

You just gave my smile a smile.

This is not a joke.

This is a real thing that's happening.

And I'm sorry that you guys are jealous that you can't make this look work.

I'm not sure about that.

Now there's a man who can wear a hat that is awesome.

You look like Seal on vacation.

I am young and hip and with it, with it, with it.

I have the perfect bone structure for this hat.

Right.

So ticket sales are up for Saturday night.

See, people are dying to come to Terry Hunter's self help seminar.

I use Terry's method every day.

And with his help,

there's no limit to the success I can reach in the business world.

He's amazing. I'm sorry.

I can't keep up. Is this the guy with the bangs who helped you find your

inner champion or the very thin gentleman who wanted you to move into a tree?

All I know is that I used to be terrified

of public speaking, but with Terry's help, I'm not.

He has all the answers I've been looking for.

In fact, Alice is the keynote speaker

at my annual girls basketball camp this year.

Kudos, you've reached the mountaintop.

Lose the hat. Listen up, people.

Change of plans.

We need a new actor Saturday night.

Terry Hunter is a fraud.

He was just arrested at the airport

for tax evasion and will be unavailable for his power of persuasion seminar.

No.

And in an unfortunate twist, he also scammed us out of his upfront money.

We don't give Axe upfront money. I know.

He talked me into it. He's wildly persuasive.

It's a shame he won't be speaking.

Oh, my God.

There must be some mistake.

Benjamin, I need you to get a replacement act.

Better call in a favor.

Oh, give Peter Satera a jingle.

Tell him ChuChu says it's time he'll know.

I don't believe this.

He's a fraud. I'm sorry.

This must be really hard for you.

Where did you end up on that? Yes, sir.

Or no.

Hi, Heather.

Hi.

You look so pretty. Thanks.

I cried for two and a half hours straight

this morning, and that always makes my eyes really sparkly.

It's working.

Heather, we need a new act for Saturday night. Can you?

Oh, my God.

I love your hat. I love it.

Love it. Thank you.

Finally somebody gets me. Hey, I get you.

I said I liked it. Quiet, Roman.

Heather sang.

I have the perfect bone structure for this hat.

Hey, Ben, this might sound weird, but can I take a picture with you in your hat?

That does sound weird.

And yes.

Oh, Roman, would you mind taking a picture?

Sure.

I just want to make it into a piece of clothing and wear it

or print it and burn it and inhale it so that it is inside of me.

Hey, what was that all about? You heard her.

She wants to inhale me.

There's not a lot of nuance there.

Seems like there was something going on.

Oh, come on, buddy.

There's nothing going on.

She's a crazy lunatic.

I mean, she's perfect for you,

and she's going to make a great mom someday, but there's nothing going on.

Hey, Ben, do you think that we could

hang out sometime? There's a full moon.

We could take a drive.

I don't think so, Heather.

My social calendar is jam packed.

But I'm in charge of your calendar.

And the only thing that you have a week is cardio hip hop.

Well, that's not true.

Don't take.

Okay.

One of these days, I'm going to get you.

Why didn't you say anything on the call

with the people from the children's beauty pageant?

I sounded like a creepy guy begging to get a bunch of girls here on Saturday night.

And now I'm going to be on a list.

I just know I'm going to be on a list.

Her public speaking thing is.

Back when I started to speak, I was so aware of myself talking.

It felt like I was outside of myself listening.

And then my voice sounded really weird to me.

Like a cartoon duck.

All you said was, Are we all on?

Don't you have an angsty indie film to direct?

We're friends. Let's not take shots at each other.

You do sound like a duck, though.

Hey, honey,

you feel better once you talk to my girls at the basketball camp this afternoon.

No, I can't.

I have to cancel that. It's low pressure.

Just a bunch of 13 year old girls.

You don't know what a hurdle this was for me to get over.

It was all tied up in my self esteem issues.

Please stop listening to me.

But Alonso's, ladies need you.

Excuse me.

You call your girls basketball camp.

Alonso's, ladies, I do.

I take a bunch of young girls band.

And with these two hands.

I shape and mold their young, promising bodies.

You don't actually hear what you're saying, do you?

Neither have you seen Roman we're supposed to go to lunch like we do every day.

I've seen him.

Word of advice.

Never a good idea to get involved with the boss.

Done a dozens of times. It never works out.

Except the time I got involved with the boss, and I got this arena out of it.

That time it worked out.

You know what I like about Manny's Tacos and Donuts.

I love Tacos, but I also love Donuts here.

You can have it all.

I could be this Logan.

Yeah, if it weren't already.

I hope you don't have a lot to do this afternoon.

There you are. I was just looking for you for 20 minutes

at the office so we could have lunch like we do every day.

Right here at this very table.

Well, I'm having lunch with Alonzo.

What's up, big band? Join us. I can't join you.

The chairs. Don't move in here.

All right.

I decided to roll the dice and get the patterned fish.

Taco, how about you guys?

Hey,

tell me more about your job.

What is charity?

What I do is I organize outreach programs and benefits for children.

There are some people at the arena.

Makes their job sound important, but your job.

It really is.

Roman, is this about Heather? Because there really is nothing going on.

I am not an idiot. Come on, Alonzo.

Let's go.

Come on, Alonzo.

Let's go.

You're not leaving. Oh, no.

Who's going to follow me around?

Who's going to get grape jelly on all my stuff?

Weird, right?

Not as weird as these Tamale holes.

My man.

I am calm.

I am centered, and I am enough. I can do this.

Babe.

You'll be okay.

I have faith in you.

And it's like I tell my girls.

If you can't find the tools inside you, you can always use my tool.

Wait. You tell young girls that tool of courage.

Okay, we should get started.

Okay, girls, take a seat

and let's give a warm. Alonso's.

Ladies, welcome to Alice.

Aubrey.

Hi, guys. Or

girls?

You're not guys, or are you?

I'm Alice, and I'm going to be talking to you about female empowerment.

13, huh?

You guys look a lot more developed than I was at your age.

I read it has something to do with the milk you're drinking,

especially you.

Wow.

Would have hated you.

Me with my padded bra and my braces and my dorky crush on Steve Sheranin.

But he did College online and had a pretty severe meth problem.

So sorry, bro.

What's happening? We are witnessing a world class implosion.

Women are power.

Wow.

Who here thinks they can do anything?

No one.

Well, that doesn't surprise me.

When I was your age, I was timid and afraid, too, but I had two dreams.

One was to become the most powerful woman

in all of San Diego and by extension, in the world

and B to marry a Swordy Prince whose pet name for me would be White Goddess.

As of today, I've accomplished both.

So let me ask you again.

Who here thinks they can do anything?

Alice, put your hand down, dear.

I had big dreams of success, and now I have no answers.

Romans acting really weird.

And Heather's in love with me.

I'll see you.

Crystal, can I ask you?

Oh, am I interrupting something?

I'm hosting a high stakes game night tomorrow, and I'm practicing my Sharon

when you talk to those girls just now. How did you?

Okay.

How did you speak so confidently, too?

Please.

How do you do everything you do so easily?

Well, I believe in myself.

I have an incredible lawyer who supports me both legally and emotionally.

And every day

I take one of these

two of these. And at 240.

05:00 p.m. On the dot 26 of these, they're all natural.

You know what?

That sounds really good to me.

I'll make you an appointment with my herbalist Norm.

He believes people live to be 250 years

old, and he's fairly certain he's a Ghostbuster.

But don't let him alarm you

or touch you.

Don't let him alarm you or touch you.

Hey, Roman,

I'm coming pretty close to booking an allnight rave for Saturday night.

Now, I can't promise you you'll get

to play with the fog machine, but the guy seemed open to it.

You're getting a fog machine.

Thank you, but I'm busy helping out with Alonso's.

Ladies,

are you wearing a girl's track suit?

Yes, I am.

It's letricious she quit the team because she was having chest pains.

Sounds like you guys are going to have a lot of fun.

Oh, yeah. We're going to double team.

You have to just think those things

you can't.

Your herbalist is amazing. You saw Norman.

How are you feeling? Electric?

Do you ever feel electric? I do.

I do feel electric. Often.

This stuff makes me feel like the person

I've always wanted to become but was too stupid to do it.

What is it, anyway?

I just know, it comes from this great Earth.

I believe they're grown in animal manure.

Well, it is really working for me.

I just dominated a conference call

with the snow cone reps, and then I called my mother.

I told her I was sick of her crap, and I think my hair smells better, too.

Smell my hair. If I want to smell it,

I like you. Now.

Let's hang out.

Yeah, let's do it.

I can't feel my calves.

Neither can I.

Every decade,

I choose one very special young woman to take under my wing and help her

to become the extraordinary woman I know she can be.

Last decade, it was Danica Patrick. Oh, my God.

She's so fast and pretty.

You're coming to Sharad's Night?

Your teammates will be some

of the wealthiest, most successful people in San Diego.

And if you move them the way you just moved me,

you two might win the Tokyo 300.

This is my shot.

Welcome to the penthouse.

Oh, the key.

I get it.

You're ready?

Bring a ponytag.

Okay.

You look well

as to you.

Have you gained weight?

I've been happy.

Alonzo makes me happy.

Look, Roman, this is getting really weird.

I'm not going to compete with Alonso for you.

This isn't a competition.

Alonso and I are something you and I never were a team team, Ronzo,

that's the first part of my name.

Then rest of his name.

Heather. I will take that drive with you.

Great. Meet me at 530.

Oh, and leave your wallet.

Well, how about that?

Heather and I are going for a drive tonight.

I say that both to hurt you and to make

sure you can tell them where to look for my charred, lifeless body.

If you're asking yourself if that's the Mayor talking to Jimmy Smith

in Europe's greatest diamond thief, the answer would be

Crystal. This is incredible.

I can't believe I'm here with all these people.

You are these people.

After tonight, you can write your own ticket.

Are you ready?

I just took four more of Norman's herbal lightning bolts.

Let's do this.

All right, my turn. Look alive.

Here we go.

All right. Okay.

Great TV show. That's a sign of a song.

Hal, wake up. You can't talk.

Well, I can talk if HAL's going to be an idiot.

Wind beneath my wings.

You powerful morons.

Sweetie, could you help me for a second?

There's a punch bowl up in this closet.

I can't seem to read you.

I love it in here.

I knew you'd like the stars in the desert, but I didn't expect to see you cry.

We were just so far away from the city lights and witnesses.

Oh, Hi. Lonzo and I are just going to dinner.

Might go see a movie, too.

Hope that doesn't hurt you, like in your heart.

Okay. You two need to talk.

I don't know what's going on between you two, but I do know it's weird.

There's nothing to talk. About Roman started this friendship

with you because he thought for some crazy reason it would upset me.

I only did that because you started your little thing with Heather Rowan.

There's nothing going on with me and Heather.

I'm very flattered, but she's my assistant, and it's inappropriate.

And he reminds me of my grandfather.

And I remind her of a what's that you say when you start wearing that hat?

It made me see you in this new light. And I guess it just made me miss my pop pop,

right? I remind her of her pop pop.

Her very old and probably dead. Is he dead?

I remind her of her old dead pop.

Tomorrow, I'm going to bring in your favorite three bean soup.

Yeah, I should be going to.

But just so you know, Roman was just helping me out with a lot

of ladies that's all those girls can be too much for one man to handle.

And as they get older, physical needs get exhausting it.

I just heard it.

I need to make a few changes on my website

just to be clear.

There'S nothing romantic going on between Heather and me.

Romantic.

That's not what I was worried about.

Well, then what the hell?

What

wasn't Heather?