All language subtitles for Dinner.with.the.Parents.S01E05.1080p.HEVC.x265-MeGusta

- Thank for coming. Sorry for your loss.
- Take care of yourself.

- Hello, friend!
- Rachel.

It’s a kugel. Sorry I’m late.
I burnt the first three.

Thank you so much, Rachel.

Do you mind just sticking it
in the kitchen or whatever?

- Are you okay?
- No, I-- I've never done one of these.

I’ve never hosted a shiva.

I mean, it’s like last-minute.
I’m-- I’m freaking out.

You’re doing great.

Oh, excuse me.

- Oh, excuse me. Look, Jane.
- What?

Why are those mirrors not covered?

So you can see yourself in them?

This is shiva! We cover the mirrors!

Well, I-I didn’t, I...

Oh, my God, the rabbi going to think
we are bad Jews!

Okay, since when are you
a "Super Jew," Mom?

You don’t even go to temple.

- I go to temple!
- You don’t go to temple!

You don’t go to temple.

- I’m sorry. She does not go.
- No, she doesn't go.

I go!

Ladies, ladies, ladies!

- I go!
- No one goes to temple!

- You relax.
- I go to temple!

Why don’t we go cover the mirrors.
Just give me two minutes.

- That for you.
- Thank you, Rachel. Thank you.

Next time you go to temple,
we’ll talk about it.

Which is never
'cause she never goes to temple.

Listen, don’t let your mom
get to you, okay?

I wish I could crush the shiva,
just to show her!

Oh, I know, I know...

Why did I not pay more attention
in Hebrew school,

instead of like sneaking out back
and having a cigarette

and, you know, fooling around with you?

Oh, I don’t think that was me.

Hey, Jenny! Are you coming to the shiva?

Oh, yeah. Come here.

I’m so sorry about
your Great Uncle Reuben.

Oh, I didn’t... I didn’t actually
know him, but thank you.

- Yeah.
- Oh and major thank you

for bringing my phone back to me,

'cause, you know,
Gregg and his pranks, it’s just...

Yeah, I still don’t see how
Gregg throwing your phone

into my bedroom window was a prank.

Like, what’s funny about that?

Well, Gregg’s pranks
are never actually funny.

You know, it’s kinda like Gregg himself,
now that I think about it.

Oh, um, you know, speaking of funny,

uh, do you still like George Saunders?

The-- The writer?

I was obsessed with him in high school.

I-- Yeah, I remember.

So, well, anyway, he, uh, Tuesday,
he’s doing a reading at the library.

- Shut up!
- So I was wondering if maybe...

- Hey.
- Oh, hi. Okay.

Yeah, uh, David, this is Paul.

- Hey, man. How's it going?
- Paul, David.

- Nice to meet you.
- We were at med school together.

- Yeah.
- Oh, nice.

- Sorry about your uncle.
- Oh, thanks, man. Yours too.

My uncle’s fine. But thanks, bro.

Yeah. Fo sho.

- Um, shall we? Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

- I'll see you inside.
- Okay, cool.

Yeah.

- Well, I think it’s...
- Grandpa!

- Grandpa!
- You gotta be quick...

Hey!

Hi. How was your flight?

Oh, terrific! I had a middle seat.
Two strangers to talk to!

And I could not stop bragging
about my grandsons,

the professor and the music mogul.

Yeah, right. Gregg the music mogul.

David, will you put down
the haterade, and suck on this:

Gregg by Greggwest is happening.

Investors just ponied up $10,000
for a laser machine!

Whoa.

“Investors”? Come on, man.
Where’d you really get the money?

Bet you he’s selling his sperm again.

I am not!

- Don’t say “sperm” to Grandpa.
- No, please, don’t say “sperm” to me.

Sorry.

Besides, David, why can’t you just be
happy for your little brother’s success?

- He’s lying. That’s why.
- I am not lying!

Yes, you are.

No, no, fellas. Enough now, please.

Tonight is about remembering Uncle Reuben.

You know, G, I’m gonna be honest with you.
We don’t remember Uncle Reuben.

Yeah, never met the man.

Me neither. In fact, I don’t know half
these peop-- Hey!

Back away from that Tiki mug.

It’s a rare collectible. Thank you!

Do we really have to host this thing
in our house?

Yes. It’s the least we can do
for Aunt Edna.

We have an Aunt Edna?

Uh, sorry, guys, I gotta take this.

It’s Doja Cat. Again.

Later, skaters.
And non-skaters.

You’re... you’re leaving?

Gregg, there is nothing
more important than family.

Of course. You know,
I hate to mourn and run,

but it’s just... it’s Doja Cat, right?

Excuse me, ladies.

Hey, Oscar, I'm on my way.

Don’t “hey” me! You were supposed to
meet us at the catering van an hour ago.

Sorry. I--

We just arrived at the client’s home.

I’ll text you the address.
Get there fast, or you’re fired!

Oscar?

Gregg? How’d you beat us here?

Never mind.

Where’s your bow tie? Put it on,
and start unloading the van! God.

I’m catering our shiva.

Gregg?

Don’t just stare into space
like a dairy cow. Help them.

You know, Oscar. I... I don’t think
I can work this gig, so...

What? Why not?

I have a... conflict of interest.

I’m just gonna go ahead and peace out.

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, woah... “Peace out”?

Get to work, right now,
or I’m never hiring you again.

Oscar, please.
I... I really need the money.

I'm in so much debt.

Then put on your damn bow tie
and get busy. Jesus!

Are you with the caterer? I have a, uh...

Just leave it on the counter.

- Gregg? Are you with the catering--
- Shh! Yes.

Yes. Please don’t tell anybody, okay?

Why? Your mother’d be relieved
you got a real job.

She’s worried about
this whole concert thing.

Said you talked a bunch of investors
into buying you a laser machi--

Oh, there are no investors.

There will be, okay?

I just had to prime the pump a little bit.

Oh, honey, I get it.
We all have our secrets.

I burnt this one, too.

Well, I won’t tell if you don’t.

You don’t mind keeping a lookout for me?

If I sense any danger,
I’ll caw like a crow.

Yeah, I don’t know if that’s the best--
Thank you, madame!

I shall keep this warm until serving time.

Thank you, “sir.” Whatever your name is!

Guys, come on.
Hors d'oeuvre’s, oven, let’s go...

See that man over there?

The bumpy skin on his neck...
Atopic dermatitis.

Yeah, probably.

And that lady with the brooch?
Follicular keratosis.

Let’s take a break from medicine.

I want to do something fun this week.

And David was saying that
there is a reading this Tuesday night.

And it’s George Saunders.

Oh, the chicken guy?

That’s Colonel Sanders.

Oh. Right. Yeah.

Oh, you see that old dude with the walker?

Dead in a month.

Need some binoculars, Davey?

Hey, Tamara. How’s... how’s it going?
It’s been a while.

- Who’s the chick?
- High school crush.

Want me to make her jealous?

Yeah, but we... we’re cousins,
so I think I--

She doesn’t know that.
Go ahead, tell me a joke.

Um, well, I-I don’t know any jokes
off the top...

That’s good, she’s watching us. Thank you.

Tell me another joke.

No, I didn’t tell you one in the first--

- You know, I just...
- We’re just getting started.

Uh, yeah.

Did you ever meet anyone who enjoyed
doo-wop more than Reuben?

- Not even close!
- Not even close.

- And what a collector!
- Oh, what a collector.

His jazz records, the bottle caps...

The bottle caps... And his mugs!

- Oh, the mugs, yeah...
- Mugs, you say?

- Yeah, mugs.
- What kind of mugs?

Oh, just like those. With the faces.

- Uh-huh?
- He had dozens.

Going back to the '50s.

Such a benevolent spirit, that Reuben.

Listen, just out of curiosity,
what’s gonna happen to those mugs?

Reuben’s sister, your Great Aunt Edna,

will be doling out his personal effects
to those who knew him best.

- Mm-hmm.
- That’s so nice. That’s so nice.

Which one’s... which one’s Edna again?

You know what, don’t worry. I’ll find her.

Edna!

Ah, Judaism, so many rules...

- Excuse me, Jane?
- Hi.

Rabbi Sarah Schiff.

Hi. I know you, of course, from temple...

where I go frequently.

But I sit, you know, I sit in the, uh,
in the way, way, way back.

Because of the acoustics,
are unreal, like the...

the "achhh"'s really just pop,
you know, they just...

- Right.
- Yeah.

Uh, Jane, I wanted a word with you.
About the shiva.

Yeah. Yeah.

I just felt that I should thank you
for keeping our traditions.

Oh! Really?

I mean, you’d be surprised how many people
don’t even know the basics.

- Oh.
- Like covering the mirrors.

Oh, covering the mirrors. I mean, come on.

That’s Jewish 101, right there.

In fact, I might just keep ‘em up
all year long,

in case somebody else dies.

'Cause, um, that’s the kind of Jew
that I am. So...

You might be more Jewish than me.

Come on.

Am I? Sure thing. Sure thing...

Oh.

Hey, Mom.

- Hello.
- Hello.

What was that all about, huh?

Uh, just a Jewish thing.

You wouldn’t understand.

Greg, hair nets in the kitchen!

Oh, right. Sorry, uh...

And when I’m done, get these whites,
take ‘em out, please.

But I’m on kitchen duty here.
Gotta finish cutting these veggies.

You just did.

This one’s actually a little uneven,
I would say.

Come on, what’s wrong with you?

Get these whites, take ‘em out, please.

- Yeah, I’m on it.
- Now, please!

- Yes.
- Come on!

Hey, welcome to my home, huh?

It looks like the bartender
over-served me.

Look at all these drinks in my hand.

Hey, do you wanna take one of these
off my hands? Thank you very much.

I gotta stop quadruple-fisting!

Whoo, what?
Take one of these. For you, madame.

Very good. She’s thirsty, it sounds like.

I’m gonna give this to her. There you go.

Leave me alone.

Fine. Hey, Dad,
how about some wine, huh?

- Oh, God, yes.
- Grandpa, some wine?

No, thank you.

What about the DJ Dojo Cat?

Dojo Cat? She can wait, you know?

'Cause it’s like you said to me earlier:

there is nothing
more important than family.

What a mensch!

Hey, I’m glad you stayed,
‘cause there’s someone you should meet.

Bronstein!

He’s deaf as a post. Bronstein!

Here’s that grandson I told you about.

Bronstein’s an entrepreneur,
just like you.

Very wealthy man.

- Oh.
- Come on, kid.

Hello, sir.
My name is Gregg, with two G's.

Well, obviously.
Otherwise, you’d be “greh” or “regg.”

- Two G’s at the end, sir.
- What’s with the hair net?

Ca-caw.

Sir, this is no hair net.

This is a traditional Jewish garment
known as a mourner’s net.

But in Hebrew, it’s called a...

“cholocha.”

Cholocha? Never heard of it.

I brought a few extra
in case you forgot yours.

Thank you very much.

Great.

Why don’t we, uh, get to know each other
over a couple of cocktails? Huh?

- Garçon.
- Hm?

Two Old Fashioneds. Top shelf.
And keep ‘em coming.

Very good.

And my brother’s foundation
did so much for childhood cancer.

Oh, wonderful, good.

Oh, yeah, Aunt Edna.

You’re Aunt Edna, right?

Yeah.

Oh, Reuben and I,
we spent countless hours together,

just hammering away
at that charity of his.

- What?
- Oh,

you were involved with his foundation?

Yes, yes, I was. Very much so.

Oh, Reuben.
More like a brother than an uncle, really.

Called him my bruncle.

Bruncle?

We had all the same likes and dislikes...

People, ding. Charity, ding.
Childhood cancer...

Collecting tiki mugs,
ding, ding, ding, ding.

Never knew you were so close.

We were so close. The closest.
As close as you can get.

If only I had something
to remember him by.

If only I could figure out
what that would be...

Am I proud of my boychiks?

Oy, you bet yeah. What mother isn’t?

But here now, do I wish they were doctors?

You bet your “pupkis” I do!

Oy gevalt! Eidle-deidle-deidle...

Normally, she don’t talk like this.

She's just trying to show me up.

No, Mommy.

It’s very sad, you know, her mind,

- it’s slipping.
- What?

- You’ve been there.
- No.

- I-I-I remember!
- She doesn’t remember voices,

- she doesn’t remember faces.
- That's not true!

- Mother!
- What?

It’s me. It's your daughter. It’s Jane.
Remember?

It’s so nice to meet you.
You’ve raised a wonderful Jewish woman.

Why, thank you, Rabbi.

You bananas!

Okay. Well, oy,
this is what I put up with.

What am I gonna do,
leave her in the street?

It’s my cross to bear.

If I believed in crosses,
which I don’t because I’m Jewish.

Oh, yeah.

Her eyes keep flickering over.
She’s definitely curious.

- Then it is time to escalate.
- What does that mean?

Feed me a strawberry.

No, I don’t really--
I don’t feel comfortable with--

Strawberry, now.

Okay.

Here it comes.

What are you doing?

You want this to work?

Ugh.

- Not the neck.
- Yeah.

Tamara!

Oh, my God.

Okay. All right, all right.

A little... Excuse us. Sorry.

Oh, Mr. Bronstein! You’re killin’ me, man.

But look, when it... when it comes to
hiring, I only have one rule.

Oh, let me guess: “no assholes.”

Uh-uh.

All assholes.

You’re good, kid.

I know.

Yeah, but, uh, you know what?

Okay, I gotta drain the main vein,
if you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah. Your... your penis.

You’re here to serve, not schmooze!

- And don’t wear your hair net out there.
- Sorry.

- Only in the kitchen.
- Right. Sorry.

You’re in the kitchen!

Yes.

Get back out there
and make the announcements.

The brisket’s ready,
the salad contains nuts,

and please serve yourself.
The line goes right to left.

Can’t Kevin do it? He’s a theater major.

You wanna keep your job? Then do your job.

Come on, let’s go. Come on!

Move, move, move.

Oh, God.

What are you doing?
Our family’s out there!

How does this look?

I’m more interested in how it feels.

How it feels?

Oh, God.

Oh, come on, David.

All those summers at the beach house.

Didn’t you ever wonder
what it’d be like to...

No! Nope!

I was 100% focused on teaching myself
how to skimboard!

Oh, sorry! It wasn’t... Okay.

I will leave you guys to it.

You two can’t do that! You’re rela--

tionship is over. Yes. I know.

We’re supposed to be broken up.

- Uh-huh.
- But I can’t help myself.

Excuse me, everyone.

David...

- Relationships, right?
- I have to use the bathroom.

Right. Sure.

I’d like to just pause for a moment
to say a few words.

Great Uncle Reuben was... was just that.

You know, he was great.

He lived a long and happy life.

Made all the happier
by things like, like brisket,

which, I just found out,
coming out pretty soon.

You know, and if Reuben were here, he...
he wouldn’t be able to eat the salad

'cause he was allergic to nuts.

Which is ironic,
considering he was such a nut.

And a devoted Jew.

He could read Hebrew,

which, as you all know,
goes from, you know, from right to left,

not unlike the buffet line.

And above all else,
he was a man who served God...

just as you all may serve yourselves.

- Thanks.
- Hear, hear! Well said! That’s great.

Gregg, what the hell was that?

Oh, you liked my toast? Thanks, dude.
Maj’ preesh.

You don’t even know Uncle Reuben.

What was all that stuff
about a nut allergy?

You know,
I think the real question here is,

are you banging cousin Tamara?

No. No, no.

She’s just helping me with Jenny,
that’s all.

Yeah, right. You know what,
this is a shiva, for God’s sake.

At least wear a cholocha.

- Put it on your head.
- Okay.

Mm.

Religions are weird.

His favorite song. He loved this.

What’s everybody looking at?

For Reuben!

It saddens me that your Uncle Reuben
can’t be here

to see you celebrate him
with such Jewish spirit.

Yeah, I know, Rabbi.
I mean, could it be any sadder?

That’s not Jewish. That’s Chandler Bing.

I should start the service.

- Okay.
- Jane...

Yes?

Will you assist me with the prayers?

Assist you?

We’ll begin in just a moment.

Where’s the English?

Ha ha! So what is it you’re working on?
Some kind of music festival?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Imagine a live music event
that perfectly splits the difference

between Woodstock and Woodstock ‘99.

A Woodstock 44 and a half, if you will.

Or, as I like to call it,
Gregg by Greggwest.

Christ almighty!

There you are.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt.

I’d like to apologize for letting
this man bother you all evening.

Come with me. Now.

Sorry.

Let’s handle this in the kitchen.

The hell’s he talking about?

Nah, dude.

We’re gonna do this right here,
and right now. You’re fired.

What?!

That’s right, dude.
I said you’re fired, bro.

You know why? 'Cause the food sucks,

the service, shit,
and you’re rude as hell.

Are you out of your goddamn mind?

Do you know who he is?

Don’t let him talk to you like that!

The hell not, Bronstein.

What are you still doing here, bro?

I said, you’re fired.

You’re fired!

No. You’re fired!

I can do this all night, bitch!

Hello, everyone. Hello.

And now Jane would like to lead us
in the memorial prayer

for her dear Uncle Reuben. Jane?

This will be good.

Thank you, Rabbi.

Uh, oh... I don’t...

You know what, I don’t have my gla... sses.

Alright. Thank you, Mother.

Okay, so if we could all just together,

uh, silently recite the prayer
to ourselves.

Oh, the regular way, out loud, is fine.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Out loud.

You work for me!

No, you work for me!

You are literally wearing a hair net!

How dare you.

This is a cholocha!

What the hell are you talking about?

He told ya, pal, it’s a cholocha!

Goddamn antisemites!

Now get out of my house.

Your house?

Yeah!

That’s right. Did I stutter?

Go.

Bronstein, let’s talk business.

After the service.

So nervous.

I bet you are.

Why don’t we start by singing
the first few lines together?

Oh, okay.

Great.

♪ Hanukah ♪

♪ Bar Mitzvah ♪

♪ A dreidel ♪

What?

♪ Shalom ♪

♪ Shalom, shalom, shalom ♪

♪ Shalom, shalom, shalom
Dreidel, dreidel, hey! ♪

You know what? Um, perhaps I can help.

She's showing off.

Your Nana’s got pipes.

Thank you, yeah.

Listen, Jenny, I just
want to say I’m sorry about earlier,

- 'cause, you know.
- Oh, that’s fine, it’s not...

You know, she and I do not see eye-to-eye.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

I mean, at this point, your only
real option is... is palliative care.

Yeah... I think I know the feeling.

Thank you for a beautiful shiva.

I’m in charge of Reuben’s belongings.
I don’t know if you knew that.

I did not.

Well, I think he’d have wanted you
to have his mugs.

Oh...

Oh, I don’t know what to say.
That’s amazing. Thank you. Dad.

Would you mind getting their attention
for me?

Oh, hell, yeah.

Okay, Rose, hit the pine.

There you go, out you go.

This is Aunt Edna.
She has an announcement.

I have a letter here from Reuben,
which he asked me to read at his shiva.

Oh...

- Edna, may I?
- Thank you.

This is Harvey Langer,

Reuben’s dearest friend, closest partner,
and most trusted advisor.

- Wow.
- Thank you.

That’s Aunt Edna.

Um, okay.

“To my dearest family and friends..."
That’s us.

"It pains me that I cannot be there with
all those I love gathered in one room.

But it shames me beyond words
to admit what I’ve done.”

“For decades, my partners and I
have siphoned millions

intended for
children’s cancer research...”

Ooh, boy. Rose...

Wow, what a prayer you gave.

Do you feel like giving us another one?
Let’s here from Rose again.

Read the letter!

Okay, alright. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Rose, thank you.

“And we have spent the children’s money
on private jets..."

- My God.
-"...yachts, exotic cars,

and the original whip that was
used in the Indiana Jones film franchise.”

I’m sorry, this is not-- I didn’t...

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Shit.

Well, I didn't... mad at me...

Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt.

Ma’am, I just have to ask.
Do you know this caterer?

Who, Gregg?

Caterer.

I knew something was up.

I’ve been talking to the help all night?

Mr. Bronstein, I’m not the help, okay?

- I’m a multi-hyphenate!
- Liar hypen bonehead.

Oh, Gregg. We love you no matter what.

You don’t have to pretend to be
somebody that you’re not.

Good advice, “Mayim Bialik.”

Rabbi...

Say, Edna, about those mugs.
Do you know if they’re dishwasher-safe?

'Cause if they’re not, you just keep ‘em.

I don't mean to be harsh,
but it's our Silver Anniversary

and you kinda Harvey'd it.

How long can I leave a fish
in a hot car before--

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

Come on, bro. You need this money, too.

We're renting out their home
to random German people.

We have to stay down here?

No, you get to stay down here.

Luxury. Yes?

Are Koi even edible?

Dude, it’s the sea bass of Japan.

No! No!