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1
00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:03,802
Woman (announcing):
Fx presents archer.
2
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:06,038
(gunshots)
3
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:11,744
[police radio chatter]
4
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:14,446
[chatter continues]
5
00:00:19,619 --> 00:00:21,553
[man]
well, what do you think?
6
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,389
[whistles]
I think that in my next life,
7
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,190
I'm gonna come back
as a movie star.
8
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:26,492
Yeah, look out, gay porn.
9
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,627
Rim shot.
Yeah, that could be your name.
10
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,329
So what, some movie star
lives here?
11
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,231
Veronica deane.
Can you believe it?
12
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,500
No shit.
You like her?
13
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:36,368
What, as an actress
or for this homicide?
14
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,203
Both.
Well, it's been a while
15
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:40,239
Since I've seen her
in anything, but, man,
16
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:43,342
She was incredible
in shanghai moon.
17
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:46,178
Oh, my god, that dress.
Oh, bejeezles, right?
18
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,714
But as for
tennessee tuxedo here,
I want to talk to her.
19
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,749
See if she knows who tried
to weight him down--
20
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,184
With an ounce of lead.
21
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,186
Found it on the ground
over there by the table.
22
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,355
Is it hers?
Hard to tell
with no serial number.
23
00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:58,390
Probably why they
put 'em on there.
Rim shot.
24
00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,758
Hey, you should ask
veronica deane
25
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,527
If her agent
reps gay porn stars.
26
00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:03,362
And maybe if
she murdered this guy.
27
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,531
You got a real knack for this.
Thanks.
28
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:08,400
But the household staff
says she hasn't been home
since yesterday.
29
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,436
And him?
They say that
as of midnight,
30
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,205
The pool did not
contain a dead waiter.
31
00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:16,275
[sighs]
okay, so, let's get
some unis on the gates,
32
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,444
Front, backside, whatever.
Nobody in or out.
33
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,212
And while we wait
for the m.E.,
34
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:23,282
We'll go talk to the staff,
maybe jog somebody's memory.
35
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,551
Rim schott.
How was that funny?
36
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,286
No, as my gay porn name.
37
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:29,421
You know--
♪ [hums tune]
38
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,023
[deep voice]
rim schott.
39
00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:32,257
Right?
40
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:34,193
[fizzles]
41
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,770
♪
42
00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:21,673
[archer]
it's not that bad.
43
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:24,810
No, on the contrary,
it's wonderful.
44
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,478
If you enjoy
starving to death.
45
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,646
Oh, please, mother.
46
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,481
The only thing you eat
is cocktail onions.
47
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,949
I simply cannot believe
48
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:33,652
I let you talk me
into this boondoggle!
49
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,287
Not just me. Lana?
50
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,356
Okay, me too.
A little.
51
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,358
But only because
the cia blacklisted us.
52
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,826
Plus now with a.J.,
53
00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,828
I thought it would be safer
than being a spy.
54
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,963
It's safer than being
a librarian!
55
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,332
Three months and not
a single client.
56
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:50,302
Oh, for-- mother,
when the word gets out
that sterling archer,
57
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:52,704
The world's greatest
former secret agent,
58
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,374
Has his own frickin'
detective agency--
59
00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:58,377
Which technically,
you do not.
60
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,879
Because california
is assholes.
61
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:03,515
What have I been saying?
Something about bears.
62
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,151
Because what other explanation
could there possibly be
63
00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:09,521
For california deciding
that a stupid law degree--
64
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,390
And a b.A.
In criminal justice.
65
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:14,726
Shut up. Somehow qualifies
an otherwise total idiot
66
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:17,796
For a private investigator's
license, but an entire career
67
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:20,499
As a secret agent does not.
Well, you're lucky they did,
68
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:23,202
Or you, or ray,
or you, lana,
69
00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:26,004
Couldn't work
as an investigator
under my license.
70
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,539
And I'm sure
that's the last time
71
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,374
We'll hear anything
about that.
72
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,510
And you can be sure
that the minute--
73
00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:34,513
Wait, the second I qualify
for my p.I. License,
74
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,515
This is the archer agency.
75
00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:38,750
Fair enough.
So let's circle back
76
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:42,020
When you have 2,000 hours
of investigative work
77
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,523
Certified by your licensed
employer, who is me.
78
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,925
Cyril--
and... Go!
79
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,428
[sighs]
2,000 hours?
80
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:51,530
At this rate--
mother, we will get clients.
81
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:53,398
All we need
is one high-profile case.
82
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,534
And some kick-ass advertising.
83
00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,402
Give me that.
84
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,705
Pam, if a single one of these
has left this building,
85
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:02,107
I will personally
sew you into a canvas bag
86
00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:05,577
Full of rats and throw
that bag into the river.
87
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,613
I gotta go get
my car smogged!
88
00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:09,781
What river?
It's a concrete slab.
89
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:11,950
The headline there
was a bag of rats.
90
00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:14,519
Here's a headline.
"malory archer bankrupt.
91
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,421
Feckless son to blame."
look--
92
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,390
And even if we get a case,
93
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,959
What, some cheating husband,
fake whiplash?
94
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:24,630
The whole thing
is just so...Grubby!
95
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,465
Grubby? Grubby?!
[woman] excuse me.
96
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,934
When we were spies, you murdered
the prime minister of Italy.
97
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,435
Prove it.
I can't!
98
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:33,138
Uh, excuse me?
Because krieger
chopped him up,
99
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,806
And then we stuffed him
in trash cans
100
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,608
All over
four different boroughs.
101
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,744
Well, then.
Wait. Four?
102
00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,979
I'm not schlepping
to staten island
103
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,481
In the middle
of the goddamn night.
104
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:43,448
Hey!
[all exclaim]
105
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,450
Jesus, lady, earballs!
106
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,620
[clears throat]
is this the figgis agency?
107
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,088
Well, we're not married
to that, but--
108
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:51,657
Yes, we are.
109
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,558
And yes, it is.
110
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,228
Hello, cyril figgis.
Owner, ceo,
111
00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:58,964
And fully licensed
private investigator.
112
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,632
Veronica deane.
113
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:03,302
[all react]
the movie star?!
114
00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:07,572
Ugh. May we talk
somewhere...Else?
115
00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:10,776
[malory]
blackmail.
I'm afraid so.
116
00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:13,412
You see, my home
was burgled recently,
117
00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:16,248
And in addition to cash
and some jewelry,
118
00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:19,651
They stole a computer disk
with, I suppose
119
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:23,989
You might call it,
sensitive information?
120
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,590
It's nine o'clock
in the morning.
121
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,092
I'm still on eastern time.
122
00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:28,694
[lana]
archer.
It's lunchtime there.
123
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:31,630
Yesterday, a lawyer named
alan shapiro contacted me.
124
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:33,832
He said he was
in possession of the disk
125
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,034
And wished to arrange
its return.
126
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,102
For a fee.
127
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:38,670
And the fee was?
128
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,505
I would think
none of your concern.
129
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,207
But--
yeah, lana.
130
00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,609
And this alan shapiro,
you've never met him?
131
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:46,445
As a matter of fact,
I have.
132
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:48,447
He was my ex-husband's
divorce attorney.
133
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,115
Oh, ellis crane,
the movie director.
134
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,817
So do you have
any reason to suspect
135
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:53,018
Your ex-husband
is behind this?
136
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,519
I have every reason.
137
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,321
Yeah. Lana.
138
00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:58,657
What?!
But mr. Shapiro
wanted to meet me
139
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,326
At his house, so I assume
the disk is there,
140
00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:02,694
Presumably in a safe.
141
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,697
I want you to go there
and recover it.
142
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,499
You mean steal it.
I mean--
143
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,501
Lana, she can't steal
what's already hers.
144
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:11,370
That's-- wait,
is it double jeopardy?
145
00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:12,371
[all]
no.
146
00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:14,139
The disk is rightfully mine,
147
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,708
And I will pay more
than fairly for its return.
148
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,511
Well, um, for a case
of this nature,
149
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:22,247
Our standard rate would be--
150
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:23,515
Cyril!
What?
151
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:24,883
Sterling!
For god's sake, man.
152
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,319
Mrs. Deane--
[laughs]
ms.
153
00:06:27,321 --> 00:06:31,089
[scoffing]
ms. Deane isn't
a standard client, cyril.
154
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,758
She is a film legend.
155
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:37,529
And as such, she deserves
our legendary service package,
156
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:40,532
Which includes, um--
get me the disk,
157
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:43,702
And I will pay
your agency $100,000.
158
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,003
[coughing]
159
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,706
Yeah, yeah--
[clears throat]
160
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:49,708
Yeah, that's our rate for that.
161
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,576
This is mr. Shapiro's address,
162
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:54,079
And I want the job done
as soon as possible.
163
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,014
And of course,
it goes without saying
164
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:58,583
That this matter
is strictly confidential.
165
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:01,219
Apparently not.
And conversely,
166
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,789
Anything you think you may
or may not have overheard,
167
00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:06,725
Regarding the italian
prime minister's murder
and dismemberment--
168
00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:09,561
Alleged murder
and dismemberment.
169
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,630
I couldn't care less,
mr. Archer.
170
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:14,132
All that matters to me
is that you return the disk.
171
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:16,168
Now, good day.
172
00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:21,573
[door opening]
173
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:23,775
[door closes]
174
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,044
[all laughing]
175
00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:30,749
Holy shit, $100,000?
176
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:34,619
I was gonna say $10,000.
177
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:37,422
[laughing loudly]
178
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:39,458
Oh, my god!
179
00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:42,327
[sighs]
yeah, what were you
gonna say, smart guy?
180
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,696
[continues laughing]
181
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,669
Nine!
182
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,539
[winding down]
183
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:04,816
[archer]
okay, people, listen up.
184
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,352
This is our first case,
and we're gonna crush it,
185
00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,855
So listen up!
These are your assignments.
186
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,823
Pam.
Hey, in case
you've forgotten,
187
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,092
The writing is literally
on the wall,
188
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,795
And I give the orders
around here.
189
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:19,431
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Please, by all means.
190
00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:21,266
Uh-huh. Um--
191
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:24,436
Well, our--
okay.
192
00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:26,805
Archer has your assignments,
so listen up!
193
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,774
Truly inspiring, cyril.
194
00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:32,444
It's like patton
and churchill had a baby.
195
00:08:32,446 --> 00:08:34,980
Oh, and put me down for 15
minutes of investigative work.
196
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,115
That wasn't even 15 seconds!
197
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:39,851
15 minutes is the smallest
manageable increment.
198
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,520
You dick!
Hey, shut up!
199
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:45,190
You... Also dick!
With just a hint
of oscar wilde.
200
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:46,825
Mother,
if you're not gonna help,
201
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,693
Maybe you'd be more comfortable
in your office.
202
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,462
No, I'm fine here.
203
00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:54,132
I want to see how you're
gonna crack the big case.
204
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,234
Nancy drew.
[all snickering]
205
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,870
Okay, pam, this is
our target location.
206
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,472
[all chattering]
207
00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:01,473
That's a nice house.
208
00:09:01,475 --> 00:09:03,842
4220 arroyo canyon road.
209
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,744
Find out everything
you can about this house
210
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:08,346
From the public records.
Plat map, utilities,
211
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,649
Building permits--
oh, and especially look
212
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,417
For any blueprints.
Oh, man!
213
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:13,752
Can't cheryl do that?
214
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:16,221
I wanted to be the gruff
but lovable driver,
215
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,723
Mechanic, and maybe
occasional muscle.
216
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:20,892
Like a folksy b.A. Baracus.
217
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,861
Fine. Carol,
you're head of research.
218
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:25,230
I'm on it.
219
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:28,099
How would one go about
being on it?
220
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:29,868
Try the internet.
221
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,903
And get everything you can
on the owner,
222
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,572
A lawyer named alan shapiro.
223
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:35,440
[typing]
[laughing]
224
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:38,510
I think it's safe to assume
he doesn't eat shellfish.
225
00:09:38,512 --> 00:09:40,445
[all chattering]
not cool!
226
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,447
What?
The fact that he's
a hollywood lawyer
227
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,282
Doesn't automatically
make him jewish.
228
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,051
Ew, he's jewish?
229
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,586
Probably, but that's
not the point.
230
00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:49,788
You can't say
shit like that!
231
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,957
Wait a minute.
If you didn't know
he was jewish,
232
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:54,593
Why'd you mention shellfish?
He's allergic!
233
00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:55,927
You buttlicks.
234
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,529
That's why he made
that big donation
235
00:09:57,531 --> 00:10:00,098
To the stupid
food allergy charity.
236
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,267
Oughta call it
the weak bloodlines
foundation.
237
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,302
Lana, you and I will
break into the house,
238
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,538
And since we can
assume there's a safe--
239
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:08,473
Ray? You care
to join us?
240
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:12,077
[sighs]
I guess, since
we're hourly now.
241
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:15,280
Okay, you got comms,
night vision,
242
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,282
Infrared, alarm bypass,
243
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,384
Suction cups,
this crazy spray,
244
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,786
Which shows laser beams,
and just in case
there's a guard dog,
245
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,556
You got doggy treats
loaded up with
tranquilizers, which I call--
246
00:10:24,558 --> 00:10:26,124
Wait, wait, wait--
I got something for this--
247
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,793
"hush puppies"
uh, damn! That's better.
248
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:32,130
Duh. And since
the front of the house by
the road is guarded 24/7,
249
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:35,934
You're gonna have
to go in from the rear.
250
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:37,936
No. You all
took it for granted.
251
00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,971
But the back hangs
off a cliff, like,
252
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,773
A hundred feet
above the canyon!
253
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:45,577
Which is why I invented
the rocket-propelled
grappling hook!
254
00:10:45,579 --> 00:10:47,345
You didn't invent that.
255
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,347
Ah, that's what
the patent office said.
256
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,915
And how much
is all this costing?
257
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:52,350
Oh, my god, cyril.
258
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:53,952
You have to spend
money to make money.
259
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,988
No! You don't!
You just have to
break into a safe!
260
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,356
[roaring whoosh]
[laughing]
261
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,325
[all yelling, screaming]
262
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,094
Shut that damn thing off!
Lame!
263
00:11:04,764 --> 00:11:06,331
Well, what the heck
is that thing?
264
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,999
Thermal lance.
For the safe!
265
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,001
Like jimmy caan
used in thief.
266
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,803
It'll cut through two feet
of reinforced concrete
267
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:15,140
Like non-reinforced...
Butter.
268
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,809
We don't need
a thermal lance, ass.
269
00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:19,678
Just a standard
safe-cracking kit.
270
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,213
Well, what's legendary
about that?
271
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,883
You know,
you guys could help.
272
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,818
Hey, you said
you're the muscle.
273
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,787
And what
are you doing here?
274
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:31,022
Pam's my ride home.
[sighs]
275
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,857
I can't even.
And, archer,
276
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:35,560
Do you really need
to do that right now?
277
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:38,830
Yes, I do. Somebody left
an entire palm print, lana.
278
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:41,466
Do you realize what skin oil
can do to the factory finish?
279
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,802
[laughs]
do you realize how
ridiculous you are,
280
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:44,969
For buying
that automobile?
281
00:11:44,971 --> 00:11:47,038
[scoffs]
what? Shut up,
it's amazing!
282
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,574
Okay. So we'll just
follow you in the van,
283
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:50,875
And watch in amazement!
284
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,877
Ha-ha! Try to keep up!
285
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,013
[motor revs]
286
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:57,015
So... My guess would be
the fuel pump?
287
00:11:57,017 --> 00:12:00,585
Great.
Shut your guess-hole.
Oh, come on!
288
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:03,021
It's gotta be
under warranty.
289
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:06,191
Right?
[sighs]
I don't know.
290
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:09,327
Warranty's in italian.
291
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:10,762
[all laughing]
292
00:12:20,339 --> 00:12:21,773
[grappling hook whooshes]
293
00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:25,343
[archer]
okay. Make sure they're secure.
294
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:27,445
'cause they're
our only way out of here.
295
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:30,248
[sighs]
oh, I was hopin' t.C. Was gonna
come pick us up in the chopper.
296
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,950
Ha!
297
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:33,918
Well, but he's gonna
be busy flying around,
298
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,920
Searching for your
battered corpses,
299
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,456
Only to find out later
that all the coyotes left
300
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,626
Was a pile of titanium gears
and a shitty weave.
301
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:43,328
[gasps]
first of all--
302
00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:47,365
This is not a weave!
[giggling] okay!
303
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:50,935
Well, it ain't
a shitty one.
304
00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:54,239
[archer]
you should do
the cameras first.
305
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,741
[mumbling]
I said, do the
cameras first.
306
00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,643
[muttering]
307
00:12:58,645 --> 00:13:00,712
I know, right?
How awesome is it
to be back,
308
00:13:00,714 --> 00:13:01,913
Doing what
we're best at?
309
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:04,449
What? Robbery?
It's not robbery, lana.
310
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,551
It's burglary.
Or maybe home invasion,
311
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:09,154
If we run into anybody, which
hopefully we won't, but...
312
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:12,724
I'm talking fieldcraft!
Stealth! Teamwork!
313
00:13:12,726 --> 00:13:14,259
Night vision,
grappling hooks--
314
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:16,294
Whatever the hell
ray's doing.
315
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,997
Well, it better be
the cameras. Ray, are
you doing the cameras?
316
00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:27,806
[softly]
yes, lana, I was
doing the cameras.
317
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:30,275
Okay, so cut the alarm
and jam the cell phone signal.
318
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:32,610
And, lana? The locks aren't
gonna pick themselves.
319
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,078
And meanwhile,
you were doing...
320
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,481
I'm goin' infrared, lana.
321
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,018
[gasps, laughs]
holy shit!
322
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,086
It's just like predator!
323
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:43,988
In 3-d!
Ow!
324
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,157
[sighs]
give me 90 seconds
on the lock.
325
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,625
60 seconds
on alarm and phone.
326
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:48,960
[lana]
not a competition.
327
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:50,962
Seriously,
we were made for this!
328
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,497
We'll be out of here
in no time.
329
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,599
Don't count your chickens
before they're hatched!
330
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:57,535
Okay, a, I'm pretty
sure chickens give
live birth, like sharks.
331
00:13:57,537 --> 00:14:00,138
What the--
and b, compared to espionage,
332
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:03,608
P.I. Work is gonna be
a total cakewalk!
333
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,810
But... I doubt they've
gotten the disk yet.
334
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:08,146
Don't you think
it's a little premature
to be celebrating?
335
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:10,114
Who's celebrating?
We're out of liquor!
336
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:13,151
But I admit, I'm
cautiously optimistic.
337
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,019
Because out here, you can buy
liquor at the grocery store?
338
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,355
Literally, the only thing
about los angeles
339
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,123
That doesn't make me
want to vomit.
340
00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:22,327
But I'm talking about
this new line of work.
341
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:25,830
A good detective
and a good spy share
a lot of skills,
342
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,665
And I'll deny
I ever said this,
343
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:30,001
But sterling was
an excellent spy.
344
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:33,738
So... Maybe we can
actually make
a go of this!
345
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:37,008
I mean, even pam
and carol are showing
some talent for it.
346
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:39,811
[carol gasps]
oh, my god, pam!
I forgot to give
347
00:14:39,813 --> 00:14:43,214
Mr. Archer one of the public
records that came back
on that guy's address!
348
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,183
What? His license?
349
00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:47,485
Well, I mean, it was
kind of a license.
350
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,587
[ferocious growling]
351
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:52,223
Oh! Mother of--
352
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,225
[laughing]
sweet jesus!
What?
353
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,594
[screams]
run!
354
00:14:56,596 --> 00:15:00,231
No, no, no, don't run!
I got them... Treats.
355
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,433
[screaming]
owww!
356
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:05,203
Bad dog!
357
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,671
Oww!
Archer, lower your voice!
358
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,907
[whispering]
owww...
359
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,675
What are you waiting for?
Shoot 'em!
360
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,877
With what?
We didn't bring guns.
What?
361
00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:15,246
Plus aww...
Oh! The treats.
Give 'em the treats.
362
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,181
Wait, no, hang on.
[kissing noises]
363
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,617
Treats!
No, no, no, no, wait!
364
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:20,852
[screams]
365
00:15:20,854 --> 00:15:22,153
[both gasping]
366
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:25,256
[archer]
ugh! Ooh!
367
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,057
[together]
ooh.
368
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:29,294
[grunting, groaning]
369
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:47,412
[lana]
well...
[dog groaning]
370
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:49,480
Aww, sleepy babies.
371
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,282
Guess we oughta...
Get crackin'.
372
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,252
Rim shot!
That'd be a good porn name.
373
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:57,055
Mine would be
"lance biggerstaff."
374
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,890
I'm picturing
a gay wizard.
375
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:00,558
I always am.
376
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,761
[coughs, moans]
377
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:07,298
Eat a dick, gravity.
Aww.
378
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:10,101
No, I don't
get this at all.
379
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,070
Maybe 'cause
it's upside down.
380
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:14,973
Wait. Really?
Yeah, you're just
kind of a hick.
381
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,775
Said the man with a relative
called, "uncle paw-paw."
382
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:20,445
[scoffs]
that's 'cause
he's my mother's...
383
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:22,113
Yeah, no.
Never mind.
384
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,448
So what's the deal?
How's that going?
385
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,283
[whispers]
it's goin' great!
386
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:28,286
And you talking is helping!
So, what do you think
is on that disk?
387
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:30,154
Uh, duh, sex tape!
388
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,690
Please. She's, like, 100.
She's, like, 50.
389
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:35,526
And she's also veronica deane,
you big jealous bitch!
390
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,662
[muffled]
archer?
391
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:41,332
Don't scream.
Because you have no reason
to feel threatened
392
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,167
By veronica deane.
[annoyed grunt]
393
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:45,470
Am I attracted to her?
Obviously. I mean, come on.
394
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:46,504
You saw shanghai moon.
395
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,139
Oh, my god. That dress?
396
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:49,807
[chuckles]
right. I mean, yeah.
397
00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:51,943
Maybe it was 20 years ago,
but if anything,
398
00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:53,177
She's hotter now--
oww!
399
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:55,279
Shh!
Ow! Ow...
400
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:57,281
How could you even tell
if she was still hot?
401
00:16:57,283 --> 00:16:59,283
She was basically just
gigantic sunglasses
and a big hat!
402
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:01,719
Trust me, lana,
she's still hot.
403
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,989
Oh, and the joke's on you,
because if I have rabies,
now you've got it!
404
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:06,991
Uh, I don't think you want
to get bitchy with me
405
00:17:06,993 --> 00:17:08,292
About communicable diseases.
406
00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:09,961
[scoffs]
crabs aren't a disease!
407
00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:12,363
Oh, my god. First of all...
[clattering]
408
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,700
So, if y'all are done
having your little
post-fight-makeup-sex-fight--
409
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,369
That's not what we do!
[whispers] oh, my god.
410
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:21,139
That is all you do!
Now can we go, before
shapiro knows we're here?
411
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:24,142
How would he?
Except for two
sleepy grizzly bears,
412
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,144
We didn't leave a--
[man] aaaaagh!
413
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:30,248
Intruder! Intruder!
414
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,883
That's bullshit.
How did he know?
415
00:17:33,185 --> 00:17:36,154
Guards!
Yeah, but besides that?
416
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:38,823
Why didn't you tell us
you were bleeding like
a russian princess?
417
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,526
Because I honestly
didn't know!
How could you not?
418
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:44,195
Because I took a bunch
of painkillers at the office!
419
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:45,563
Why?
[grunts]
420
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,598
Because somebody
left them out, lana.
421
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,568
Move, you idiots.
They got the disk!
422
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,537
I am so angry
at you right now!
423
00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:54,439
Well, you shouldn't
give me that power--
424
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,207
[screams]
jump!
425
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:59,043
Whoo-hoo!
Painkillers!
426
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:03,247
There! Agh! Agh!
Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!
427
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:07,385
Well, I hope you brought
enough painkillers
to share with the class!
428
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,787
No. I ate 'em all.
Because we're
all gonna get shot.
429
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:13,057
Relax. They're not
gonna hit us with
those suppressors on,
430
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:15,460
They'd need a--
grenade!!
431
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:18,563
And with that
having been said--
432
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,031
Son of a bitch!
433
00:18:20,033 --> 00:18:22,400
Why does a divorce lawyer
have grenades?!
434
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,302
Ray, they're terrible people!
435
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,871
You assholes!
If they live, you die.
436
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:28,439
Archer,
what are you doing?
437
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,441
Getting you out of here.
438
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,777
Ray, get her to the van.
439
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,612
What about you?
I'll be fine.
440
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,381
I lied, I got, like,
20 more. Go!
441
00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:39,250
Hang on, honey.
442
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:41,786
[lana shouting]
archer!
443
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:44,455
Wow, say what you will
about cyborgs.
444
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:47,091
Sure can run good.
445
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,093
And I should take
the fast way down too, so--
446
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:51,996
[exhaling rapidly]
447
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,432
[screaming]
448
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:55,433
[archer]
ow!
449
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:58,503
[grunting]
450
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:01,806
[shouting]
451
00:19:11,016 --> 00:19:12,283
[cyril]
and now, ms. Deane--
452
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,819
As promised,
your computer disk.
453
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:18,456
And your cashier's check
for $100,000.
454
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:21,092
And while I appreciate
your firm's hard work,
455
00:19:21,094 --> 00:19:22,760
I'm sure you'll
understand when I say
456
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,295
I hope we never meet again.
457
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:27,098
A feeling that
I assure you is mutual.
458
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,767
Then I bid you
good day and goodbye.
459
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,538
Yay!
[grunts]
460
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:36,140
Lower your voice.
[whispers]
oh.
461
00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:38,342
Oh, let her enjoy it,
sterling.
462
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:42,513
We just made $100,000!
Well, minus expenses, which--
463
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:46,517
Which reminds me we need to
add an extra $1,200 to that.
464
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,987
For what?
Something called
a pompa di benzina?
465
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,355
Called it.
No, you didn't!
466
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:53,958
And while you're at it,
add a case of champagne.
467
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,726
We deserve to celebrate.
[all gasping]
468
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:57,195
Ooh!
Bubbly!
469
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:59,497
Damn it, veronica deane
already left?
470
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,365
I wanted her to sign
this head shot.
471
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:04,502
Ooh, joan crawford's
gonna be so jealous.
472
00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:06,537
You know what--
[woman] excuse me.
473
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,739
[all groaning]
474
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,508
[ray]
oh, my god.
475
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,410
Is this the figgis agency?
476
00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:15,146
Again, not married to that.
Yes, we are!
477
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:17,381
[chuckles]
and, yes, it is.
478
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,350
I'm cyril figgis,
owner, ceo,
479
00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:22,420
Fully licensed investigator.
And you are?
480
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:24,488
She's...
481
00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:29,193
She's...
My name is veronica deane.
482
00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,761
[all gasping]
oh, goddamn it.
483
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:33,531
May we talk
somewhere privately?
484
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:36,100
Wait a minute.
If you're veronica deane,
485
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:37,535
Then who the hell was--
[gasps]
486
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,003
[whispering]
ow.
487
00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:42,440
I, um-- uh, that is
to say, uh, it's, uh--
488
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:44,408
Such a pleasure to meet you.
489
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,611
May I ask how you
heard of our agency?
490
00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:51,048
My housekeeper found this
under her windshield wiper
at the supermarket.
491
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:53,417
[snickering]
492
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,686
His name's furlock bones.
493
00:20:58,223 --> 00:21:00,291
♪
494
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:19,510
[man]made in georgia.
495
00:21:24,483 --> 00:21:26,083
Announcer: Thursdays.
37044
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