All language subtitles for Archer 2009 S06E12 1080p BluRay x264-SHORTBREHD (1)_track4_[eng]

MAN: Before we begin, I want to make
one thing perfectly clear to all of you.

The information you're about to hear
is top secret.

Unauthorized publication or "leaking" of this
information would be an act of high treason...

...for which you would be tried and convicted
by a secret military tribunal and executed.

So no, Miss Poovey,
I don't think a selfie would be appropriate.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Okay, I'm not. Jesus.
Why is she even in this briefing?

She's not allowed to go on missions.

Because she always stows away somehow,
as do Figgis and Dr. Krieger...

...and Julia Gluey-Dreyfus over there...

...so this time they're going on the mission,
so we can contain them.

Well, unless the mission is a softball game
against Gary's Olde Town Tavern--

No, it's--
In which case I nominate Ray Pitcher.

You know what--?
Not because it's black.

You know what--?
Lana, he's the one ashamed...

...of his hand's heritage, not me.
I'm not ashamed.

[SOBBING]

[WHISPERS]
Psst. Ray, call-- Call-- Call me.

Ooh, a little "handingo" action.
HOLLY: Ahem.

Time is a bit of a factor here, so as much as
I'd like to spend the day murdering all of you...

...I'm afraid we need to press on.
To wit, this is Dr. Zoltan Kovacs.

Last night in Paris, someone--
We suspect the Russians.

--attempted to abduct him.

A high-speed chase ended in a crash...

...which left him in a coma
with a blood clot in his brain.

Which matters because...?

Because since defecting to the West
20 years ago...

...Dr. Kovacs has been developing a top-secret
process for molecular miniaturization.

Aren't they already pretty small?
It doesn't miniaturize molecules.

The process can miniaturize anything
down to sub-microscopic size.

Robotics, computers, video cameras, vehicles,
even human beings.

But--
KRIEGER: You maniacs!

You stole it! You stole my idea!

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

I've been working on miniaturization for years,
damn you, years!

Krieger, those were Shrinky Dinks.
It's the same principle!

It is absolutely not the same principle.

Well, then I've wasted my life.
And all of my good markers.

But how does it work, this process?

You'll be given a cursory explanation
at the CIA laboratory in New Mexico.

Why?
Well, I assume they needed a large building...

...in a remote location
with plenty of parking.

And real estate is cheaper out in the desert.
No, not why is the lab in New Mexico.

Why are you gonna tell us
how this super-top-secret shrink ray works?

Because in less than 14 hours,
you're all going to be miniaturized...

...down to the size of bacteria
and injected into Dr. Kovacs.

LANA: Wait, what?
CYRIL: Is that possible?

What if we don't consent to be
Dr. Shrinkered?

Well, there's a carrot and a stick here.

The carrot being a one-time payment
of $1 million each.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

And the stick?
The stick is, this is your last chance.

You people have bungled every assignment
the CIA has given you...

...so if you refuse or fail this mission...

...I will personally ensure that none of you
ever works in espionage again.

CHERYL: I'm just an assistant.
CYRIL: No likey.

Well, it's normally the other way around,
but this time I think I definitely prefer the carrot.

Not dick, Pam, stick.
Carrot and stick.

Yeah, I know.

HOLLY:
Okay, people, listen up.

We've got an enormous amount of information
to cover and a very short time in which to do it...

...so your undivided attention is of the utmost--
Mr. Figgis, may I help you?

Uh, yeah, is there any reason
why you can't just do regular brain surgery...

...without a shrink ray?

Yes, there is.
And, Mr. Archer, may I help you?

[BUZZES]

Yeah, why the hell would this guy
have an oil can in his--?

Elbow grease.
Wow. It's "pun" for the whole family.

GILLETTE:
That's racist!

You know what I don't have time for?
Mm, shopping for clothes?

Your particular brand of bullshit.

I was trying to familiarize myself
with the human body, Slater.

Yeah? You know what this is?
Your best gal?

You son of a--
Slater! We do not have time for this.

After this is over, you and me.
Boop.

[SLATER GROWLS]

Why do you constantly antagonize him?

I-- Oh, my God. Cyril, are you jealous?

No, I'm--
I'm gonna make it up to you, buddy.

Please don't.
HOLLY: Archer.

If you're done trying to win votes
for class clown....

More like "Most Handsome."

I was voted "Best Milker."

Me too.
ALL: Ew!

Please direct your attention
to Dr. Kovacs' assistant...

[MISPRONOUNCES]
...Dr. Sklodowska.

It's Sklodowska.
I'm sorry. What'd I say?

I don't know. Something else.
Welcome, all of you...

...and thank you for volunteering
for this mission.

Albeit under threat of death.
Due to boredom.

Come on, let's get shrunked up already!

First, we need to cover some basics.

Now, as you may or may not know,
Dr. Kovacs and I are lovers.

If that is shocking to you, so be it.
CYRIL: That's not shocking at all.

This is Dr. Kovacs' brain, home to
the greatest mind in the history of mankind...

...if not the universe.

This is the blood clot that threatens
to destroy that brain.

But we will destroy the clot with the Nereus.

Dibs on captain. Dibs on driving!
You have dibs on neither.

Mr. Gillette, who is a licensed pilot,
will be piloting the Nereus.

So I'm good enough to drive y'all around?

Great. Maybe on the way,
we can stop off down the Piggly Wiggly.

When this is over, I think you and I
should have a nice, long talk.

I'm sorry. Am I forgetting my place?
Little bit.

After being miniaturized,
the Nereus and its crew will....

Yes, Mr. Archer?
Yeah, I think I should at least be co-captain.

I've had astronaut training.
So what? So did I.

So did most of us.
Yeah, but you sucked at it.

You kept puking your guts out on the, uh....
Don't say it.

The vomit comet.

[LANA RETCHES]

But I kicked total ass in zero gravity,
so I think I should be in charge.

What the hell are you talking about?
I know how to do it, be weightless.

So?
So when we're floating around...

...in this Kovacs guy, in the submarine--
Have you ever seen a submarine movie?

Oh, my God, Operation Petticoat,
Das Boot, The Enemy Below...

...Run Silent, Run Deep,
uh, Gray Lady Down....

Ooh, Yellow Sub--
Yellow Submarine, yes!

Wow. There's so many submarine movies.

And, in any of them, was anyone onboard
any submarine weightless?

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Yeah, plus that time we were all on a submarine
and were not weightless?

Oh, right. But this time we're gonna be tiny.
SKLODOWSKA: Ahem.

After being miniaturized, the Nereus,
with the mission team onboard...

...will be injected into Dr. Kovacs here,
as close to the blood clot as possible.

This is because
we only have exactly 60 minutes...

...before the process wears off
and we revert to normal size.

Sixty minutes exactly?
Yes, I feel like I was very clear on that.

Our progress will be tracked in real time
on a 3-D map of the human body--

Ta-da!

Oh, my God, Slim Goodbody.

No! No, this is absolutely not
that trademark character.

This is--
Michael? Oh, my God.

Just a unitard with the systems
of the human body on it.

On a guy.
On a guy named TV's Michael Gray.

What?
CHERYL: Earballs! Jesus!

I see I have some fans in the audience.

Ha. Are you kidding?
Are you?

Lana, it's TV's Michael Gray.

Billy Batson, from The Shazam/Isis Hour?
Well, and The Brian Keith Show.

Obviously and The Brian Keith Show.
Who is Brian Keith?

Now you're just trying to piss me off.
So, what's up? What have you been doing?

As you see, my good sir....
Uh, CIA puppet shows?

Acting, you philistine.
Michael, what are you doing here?

I--
How did he even get on the base?

He said he knew you.
You let an unauthorized civilian...

...onto a CIA black site
just because he said he knew me?

Well, plus, he is TV's Michael Gray.

[SKLODOWSKA SIGHS]

And as you may or may not know,
TV's Michael Gray and I were lovers.

If that is shocking to you, so be it.

CYRIL: No.
PAM: I get it.

I think maybe you're confusing the word
"shocking" with the word--

This! This is shocking!
No, that's just gross.

Which is also the word I think
you're looking for with your old-man fetish.

Come on, they're not so--
That one doesn't even have skin!

Okay, if everyone will follow me
into the miniaturization chamber...

...we will now begin boarding the Nereus.
Whoa, wait. Already?

Yeah. Shouldn't we learn a little more
about the mission parameters?

You absolutely should.
But we're behind schedule, thanks to--

TV's Michael Gray.
ARCHER: Whoo!

And....
Scene. Yes, we get it, Michael.

Scene! No, you ruined it.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Miniaturization will begin in 60 minutes.

SLATER:
Okay, people, you heard the lady.

Here are your mission assignments.
Archer--

ARCHER: Captain!
No, you're not.

Gillette is the pilot, and Cyril is the co-pilot.
ARCHER: Well, we'll see about that.

Go see about that.

Okay, Pam and Crazy Glue,
your job is to stay out of everybody's way...

...so maybe go do that in the rear.
Pfft. What, like, butt sex?

Of the ship.
Well, let's keep an open mind.

And a closed mouth. How about that?

PAM: Mmm....
Just go.

Okay, Lana, you think you can help
Dr. Sklodowska with the navigation?

Well, I did get an A in college biology.
Oh, wow, great.

So when we're traversing the occipital lobe,
you'll know what to do...

...if the ship is in imminent danger
of phagocytosis...

...by polymorphonuclear leukocytes?

It actually might've been an A-minus.
Ugh.

Okay, maybe just help Archer
with the laser, if he ever gets...

ARCHER: Ow!
...out here.

You two head up to the laser turret
and get acquainted with that bad boy.

[IMITATES LASERS FIRING]

ARCHER:
Jesus H. Christ, Ray!

Speaking of "H," do you see me in a sort of
Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy type role, or...?

Meaning?
Irascible onboard medical officer.

Mm, yeah, I wouldn't say "onboard."
Oh, man!

So not only am I not going to Tiny Town,
now I have to execute a guy?

What are you talking about?
This big, meaty bastard.

What are we doing, lethal injection?
Are you--? This is Dr. Kovacs.

This is? Are you sure?
Yes.

Because even a first-year phrenology student
could see that this man...

...is a cold-blooded murderer.

Phrenology?
Who are you, George Combe?

Pfft. Man, I wish.

Because now I probably have nerve damage.
Uh, I've decided to let Ray drive.

With his racist robot monster hand!

[GILLETTE SOBS]

Hand, legs, feet. I am a monster!

Oh, now, come on. You're not a monster,
you're just different.

Come on, it could be a lot worse.
How?

I guess the hand-- Or the tissue covering
the bionic part, it would be, I guess.

--could've come from a serial killer.

And then one day soon, maybe you're shaving,
and you find out it has a mind of its own.

It's a force of pure evil, and it starts
dragging you out into the city at night.

Just cats at first,
but once the hand gets a taste for killing...

...it's only a matter of time before
you're out there strangling male prostitutes...

...then posing them in grotesque
and horrific parodies of Mentos ads.

You know, The Freshmaker.

In which case, I guess try to remember
I was always kind to you.

Not always.

[CYRIL CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Uh....
WOMAN [OVER PA]: Miniaturization...

...will begin in 30 minutes.

And besides, I don't think Ray's hand
is the one that's racist.

Shock. Nothing.
What?

Ugh. So listen--
ARCHER: I can't, I'm swiveling.

LANA: Yes, you can, Archer.
I need to talk to you about something important.

Lana, what's more important
than blasting imaginary womp rats...

...in my imaginary T-16 back home?
Uh, your infant daughter.

Oh, right. Sorry. What's up?

Well, A, this mission feels fairly dangerous
and totally half-cocked.

That's normally cock aplenty.
Shut up.

And what if Kovacs dies
and the CIA disavows us...

...and we're blacklisted from intelligence work?
I'd have more free time?

So your entire career,
your entire personal identity as a spy, gone.

Maybe I finally learn to fly fish.
That's great, Archer.

What if we die?
I'd have a lot more free time?

Well, if we do die, I just want to reiterate...

...that my parents are gonna be A.J.'s
legal guardians, not Malory.

Okay, A, you've made that hurtfully clear
about a jillion times.

B, Ava Jean could do a lot worse
for a guardian.

Really?

Ba.
MAN: Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry. I didn't see the child.
Hm?

Oh, she's fine. She's used to it.
Really?

"Then the mama bear said,
'Well, somebody's been eating my porridge.'

And then the baby bear said--"
MALORY: Are you out of your goddamn mind?

What?
What? I just had the drapes cleaned!

"And then papa bear said,
'Yeah? You just keep it up...

...because this town is crawling
with Goldilockses...

...with hot, young bodies
and daddy issues."'

[A.J. BABBLES]

Exactly. Like what's-her-face at work.
Ha-ha. Debbie, yeah.

[A.J. BABBLES]

And as far as I'm concerned, the sooner
she learns about cigarettes, the better.

This little pudge-pop's going to need all
the help she can get in the battle of the bulge.

[A.J. BABBLES]

ARCHER: And, C, even if, God forbid,
something happens to you, I'm gonna be fine.

So if, say, there's a malfunction
with the shrink ray and the ship...

...and everything in it gets vaporized?
I'd just jump out at the last second.

While every single atom and molecule
in your body is being destroyed?

Uh, no. I already jumped out.
It's this new thing called cat-like reflexes.

So can you seriously not even grasp
the concept of your own mortality?

Lana, nobody can.
Really?

Except maybe bears.
Ugh.

So will you do everyone a favor
and relax for once?

Nothing bad's gonna--

[EXPLOSION]

Sorry, gang. My bad. That was on me.

Hey, somebody roll that guy around.
He's smoldering.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Miniaturization in...

You were saying?
I don't know.

...10 minutes.
Probably something about Paris.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Miniaturization in five minutes.

SKLODOWSKA:
Roger that, Mission Control.

Navigation systems are online.
We are ready for miniaturization process.

SLATER [OVER COMM]:
Copy that, Navigation.

Bridge is online and we are ready
for miniaturization process, over.

Said your dick.

SLATER: That would mean it's too big, dummy,
and so it's ready to be made smaller.

Damn it.

Turret, are you ready
to begin miniaturization? Over.

Yes, if.... Lana, you good?

[EXHALES]

Yes.
We'll be fine, all right?

A.J. will be fine.
Just remember what we talked about.

You already forgot.
Bears. Turret ready.

Roger that, stupid.
You guys ready to make history?

I'm ready to make a million dollars.
Close enough. Okay, let's light this candle.

What are you doing?

He said light the candle.
Not an ear candle!

Well, you won't bleed him, you won't cup him,
you won't divine his humors.

For all you charlatans know, this poor man
is both phlegmatic and bilious.

Get out.
Gladly!

So, hey, do I need to swipe a keycard or--?

Oh!

Paging Dr. Dickwads.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
All clear.

Commence initialization sequence.
All clear.

Mission control, this is Nereus.
We are ready for miniaturization, over.

Speak for yourself! Holy shrink-snacks!
Yeah, this is kind of terrifying.

Why are you messing around
with this crazy shrink ray?

It's not like you need a million bucks.
Are you kidding? It's not about the money.

Pam, we are going on a voyage
of medical discovery unparalleled...

...in not only the history of mankind,
but also perhaps its future.

Hippocrates, Galen, Percival, Sharpe.

For thousands of years, physicians
have dreamed of having the power...

...to see what we've been given
the chance to...

...through this truly awe-inspiring process
of miniaturization, which I think you'll agree...

...is the very embodiment
of Arthur C. Clarke's Third Law...

...which states that any sufficiently advanced
technology is indistinguishable from magic...

...or, if you like, a miracle.

I--
Plus I'm going to use the money...

...to buy an orphanage and then bulldoze it.
Why?

Shits and grins and screams.

Wah! Porridge. Wah!

Aah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, maybe she'll die.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Commence miniaturization in 10, nine, eight...

[LANA BREATHING HEAVILY]

Lana? Lana, calm down.
...seven, six...

...five, four...
You're making me really hard.

...three, two, one.
Goddamn, dude.

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

Wait, what happened?

It-- It's gone.
Hang on.

Mission Control to Nereus, over.
SLATER [OVER COMM]: This is Nereus, Control.

[ALL CHEERING]

How wonderful.
Miniaturization complete, over.

ARCHER [OVER COMM]:
Whoo!

Oh, my God.

[THUDDING]

[LANA SIGHS]

Time. Okay, people, we have one hour
to save Dr. Kovacs.

And then hopefully a lifetime to be with him.
Once he leaves Hilda.

SLATER [OVER COMM]: Control, I think
we're ready to start transport and injection, over.

HOLLY [OVER COMM]:
Roger that, Nereus.

So, uh, should we be steering or--?
Shh.

Okay. Now the submarine
is in a saline solution in the syringe...

...which the robot will now gently transport
into the surgical theater...

...where it will prepare
to inject the solution...

...into the cerebrospinal fluid
at the base of Dr. Kovacs' skull.

We're not weightless!
Why not?

And since we only have, eh, 59 minutes-ish
until the Nereus reverts to normal size...

...it is crucial that the injection be as close
to the blood clot as humanly...

...well, robotically possible, I guess.

We're looking good down here, Control.
All lined up on the injection site.

Roger that. Nereus, are you ready?

[THUDDING OVER COMM]

LANA [OVER COMM]:
Aargh! Yes! Let's get this over with!

HOLLY:
You are go for injection, doctor.

DOCTOR [OVER COMM]:
Preparing to inject.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING OVER COMM]

So should there be screaming?
Shh.

Control, we're hearing some screaming?

Which, um.... What's the story on that?

What in the name of sweet jiminy Christ
do you think you're doing?

Standing up for myself!

Because maybe I didn't go to some
fancy-pantsy Ivy League med school...

...and maybe I didn't go to some other med
school, even the one down in Grenada...

...which was my fallback, but whatever.
That doesn't give you the right to bully me.

I have had it!

Oh, and by the way,
if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler...

...wouldn't I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?

Huh. I never thought about that.
Doctor?

What?
HOLLY: Not you.

Doctor, please tell me the Nereus
was injected into Kovacs.

It was.
Whew. Okay. So we're still okay.

I'm sorry.
I should've finished that thought.

It was injected into Dr. Kovacs,
but not at the injection site.

What? Well then, where is it?
His foot.

Wow. Now I feel like Dr. Dickwads.

Krieger, shut up!
And, you, get them out of there.

Ah, we can't. They're way too small.

They'll have to make it to his tear duct
like we planned.

Is there enough time to make it
to the clot, laser it and escape?

I mean, it'll be close, but maybe.
Damn it!

[HOLLY SIGHS]

So do we tell them?

Well, they'll find out soon enough.

And in the meantime,
I'm sure Sterling has everything well in hand.

[THUDDING OVER COMM]

ARCHER [OVER COMM]:
Goddamn it.