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1
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,922
ARCHER: Come on, you know you want it.
LANA: You don't know what I want.
2
00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,633
ARCHER:
Oh, yes, I do. Come on, just the tip.
3
00:00:08,801 --> 00:00:11,010
I don't know. It's pretty big.
4
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:13,930
I think it's just the standard
breakfast burrito size.
5
00:00:14,098 --> 00:00:16,099
Here, first take a bite of mine.
6
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:19,227
No, first you take a bite of mine.
Let's do it together.
7
00:00:19,395 --> 00:00:21,896
Is that crazy? Oh, my God, okay.
8
00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:24,065
[BOTH MOANING]
9
00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:31,948
BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Oh, my, God.
10
00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:33,741
Men's room?
Broom closet.
11
00:00:33,909 --> 00:00:39,080
It's dirtier. No, bring the burrito.
Oh, my, God.
12
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,876
[PAM VOMITS AND ALL GROAN]
13
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:46,963
Well, we were all thinking it.
14
00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:48,923
That and how chili's not breakfast.
15
00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:52,301
Well, technically anything's breakfast,
if it's your first meal of the day.
16
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:55,221
Oh, then Ray's right.
And also, duh.
17
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,307
Well, hooray. Give yourself a hand.
You know what?!
18
00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:01,894
I know you better sit your ass down
before I jam an Easy Spirit up it.
19
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,814
Hey, Pam, Ray. Come on, you two.
20
00:01:04,982 --> 00:01:08,359
You're not mad at each other.
You're mad at the unspeakably revolting...
21
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:11,446
...symbiotic mass of bodily fluids
that is now Archer and Lana.
22
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,947
They make me sick.
23
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,366
Rub it in our faces
how we're doomed to be alone.
24
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:17,952
Well, your face. And Ray's, I guess.
25
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,288
Wait, nobody's rubbing off in my face.
26
00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:22,874
That's her point.
And think how hard watching them...
27
00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:26,335
...must be for Cyril.
No. It's-- That's not-- I mean, come on.
28
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:29,964
I'm totally over Lana, so--
Cyril, you can lie to yourself.
29
00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:33,301
Obviously, look at your sweater.
But don't lie to Team Breakup.
30
00:01:33,469 --> 00:01:35,762
What?
Guys, it's obvious what we gotta do.
31
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,264
Throw acid in their kissy faces.
32
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:39,932
No.
Wait.
33
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:43,603
You wanna try to break them up?
I mean, it's either that or....
34
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:47,690
No. The solution to every problem
isn't throwing fricking acid on it.
35
00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:51,277
Unless the problem is a solution
with an overly-alkaline Ph balance.
36
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,071
Krieger, hush. Pam, you have a plan?
I don't know.
37
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:56,532
We could do something
like one of those bait cars?
38
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,368
But obviously, the car would be a vagina.
Hmm.
39
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:02,455
Okay, so we get a woman
that Archer would find irresistible.
40
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,541
Maybe by having her fog a mirror.
Put her in Archer's path...
41
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:08,878
...and his pathological need to sleep
with every woman does the rest.
42
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:11,714
Or, you know, a lot of couples
break up if their kid dies.
43
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:14,217
Really?
Yeah. Easy peasy.
44
00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:17,220
We hire somebody to kidnap
their fat, gross baby.
45
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:21,140
There's this huge man-slash-baby hunt.
It's in all the newspapers.
46
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,684
On the wireless.
America's going apeshit.
47
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,603
Then, we double-cross the kidnapper...
48
00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:28,773
...who obviously we paid
with easily--traceable gold certificates.
49
00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:31,484
We plant a shitload of dicey evidence
in his garage.
50
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:36,155
Tip off the cops, he's basically convicted
of being German and then: zap!
51
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,617
Dirt nap for the kraut.
Compliments of old Sparky.
52
00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,118
Goddamn.
Wireless?
53
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,205
But wait. If it's a kidnapping....
Ugh!
54
00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:46,749
CHERYL: The child is sent to Bhutan,
where, for 20 years...
55
00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:48,417
...she's raised as an assassin...
56
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:52,088
...by Ra's al Ghul before returning
to destroy those who once betrayed her.
57
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:58,344
Us.
Yes. But it buys us time.
58
00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:41,178
ARCHER: Oh, my God, Lana. That was--
LANA: That was insane.
59
00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:45,224
It's insane, like, every time now.
What is going on with you?
60
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,143
Going on with me how?
What do you mean?
61
00:03:47,311 --> 00:03:51,480
I mean, and don't take this the wrong way,
but did your dick get bigger?
62
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:55,151
I don't think so. Is that a thing?
I think I would have heard of it.
63
00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:58,029
Wait, in Le Retour de Martin Guerre,
didn't his get bigger?
64
00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:02,241
Nope. His feet got smaller.
Oh. Well, I know my feet are the same.
65
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:05,161
His wife fell in love with him
when he came back. He was caring...
66
00:04:05,329 --> 00:04:07,496
...and loving, which he wasn't before.
67
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,290
Larger penis probably didn't hurt.
68
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:12,919
I'm sure my feet are the same.
My cordwainer would have said something.
69
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,047
Whatever, for some reason,
I don't have to suppress my gag reflex now...
70
00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:19,800
...whenever you mention your cordwainer.
What should I call him? A shoemaker?
71
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,178
What I'm trying to say is,
you were different...
72
00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:24,472
...then you were
when we dated the first time.
73
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,850
More mature, maybe?
And definitely more focused on me.
74
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:31,520
As opposed to every single woman
you meet in a bar...
75
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:34,440
...or at a party,
or just merely walking down the street.
76
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:38,069
I-- Yeah. I-- I'm sorry for that time.
Sss.
77
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:41,030
Times, yes. Plural. And I promise you...
78
00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:43,532
...that won't ever happen again.
It better not.
79
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:46,327
Because this time--
It's really kind of good, right?
80
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,704
No, Archer, it's great. Somehow.
81
00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:50,873
I can't remember when I was this happy.
82
00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:55,336
You recently gave birth to a child.
Shit, right.
83
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:59,173
But besides that,
this is the happiest I've been in a while.
84
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,759
Which is why we can't tell Mother
we're dating again.
85
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:04,387
Obvious?
Because she'd try to break us up somehow.
86
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,722
She can't stand for me
to be in a relationship.
87
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:09,016
I think it actually causes her physical pain.
88
00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:12,436
You realize your relationship with Malory
isn't a huge selling point?
89
00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:17,149
Yeah. So to make up for it, what say
I bend you back over the mop sink?
90
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,985
Bring it, Sommersby.
91
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:22,989
Because, you ding dong, our bait-car hooker
has to be hotter than Lana.
92
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:28,327
Pfft. That won't be hard.
What?! Did you suddenly go blind?
93
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:29,662
No. Phew.
94
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:33,416
But, Pam, come on. The prostitutes
on this website are like-- Cheesy Pete's!
95
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,167
Some of them are 10,000 a night.
96
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,294
Yeah. So 2 grand apiece.
Are you...?
97
00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:40,047
I wouldn't even pay $2000
to get myself laid.
98
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:43,592
Well, maybe now, but a few more weeks
without that hand....
99
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:47,263
That's not even the hand I--
Don't see how that's any of your beeswax.
100
00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:50,141
Speaking of, do I smell beeswax?
101
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:52,393
Probably.
Maybe you can pay one of these...
102
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:54,145
...high-class hookers with it.
103
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:55,563
PAM: Really?
No.
104
00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:57,940
Because I'm not chipping in
2000 bucks.
105
00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:01,777
Or even 1000.
Because I just found out our shitty insurance...
106
00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:04,321
...doesn't cover prosthetic limbs.
Really?
107
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:08,576
How do you not--? You're head of HR.
Because I got two fricking hands.
108
00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:10,745
[ALL CLAMORING]
109
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,497
[HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING]
110
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,249
PAM: Jesus.
CHERYL: Ear balls.
111
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,293
If I wanted to hear you people scream...
112
00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:20,421
...I'd have you flown
to a CIA black site in Morocco...
113
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:23,591
...and listen to your torture session
on speakerphone.
114
00:06:23,759 --> 00:06:26,761
Speaking of, any word from Slater?
No.
115
00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:30,014
Not a word from the CIA
since you idiots ruined the mission...
116
00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:32,099
...with the Durhani royal family.
117
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,810
So I have no idea what our status is.
118
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,104
For all I know,
we're wanted for treason again.
119
00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:38,939
Well, no news is good news.
120
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:42,026
You do realize
this is an intelligence agency?
121
00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:43,527
Ostensibly.
What?!
122
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,196
Nothing.
123
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:46,989
[MALORY AND CHERYL GROAN]
124
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:51,202
Why don't we just tell her they're dating?
She'll make them so crazy they'll break up.
125
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:54,663
Then she'd tell them we told her.
Then even if I did want Lana back...
126
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,665
...which I don't--
It wouldn't matter.
127
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,418
Because Mr. Archer would feed you
your own bones.
128
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,797
I don't know about that.
Please. You'd die of marrow poisoning.
129
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,632
So come on. Let's pick a hooker.
130
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,468
One that Archer's never had sex with.
Is there one?
131
00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:11,514
You're forgetting what the largest sex organ
on the human body is.
132
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,058
The penis?
Well, I was gonna say vagina.
133
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:16,393
I was gonna say "Pam's vagina."
Me too.
134
00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:18,270
The brain.
ALL: Ew!
135
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,523
Not like that,
what is wrong with you people?
136
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:21,732
Ray's missing a hand.
137
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:24,026
Archer won't risk
his relationship with Lana...
138
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,445
...for a previous conquest,
especially a prostitute.
139
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,823
For a man like him,
it's all about the hunt.
140
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:31,325
They're all gonna have--
I said hunt.
141
00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:34,829
Oh. Still, though.
So we have to pay a hooker up front...
142
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:38,207
...to bump into Archer somewhere
and just hope he's never banged her?
143
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,876
Come on, it's New York.
I bet there's 20,000 hookers.
144
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:44,130
What are the odds Mr. Archer
already banged whichever one we pick?
145
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,965
I was gonna say fifty-fifty.
Me too.
146
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,716
I was gonna say "Pam's vagina."
147
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,718
So we have to find a beautiful woman...
148
00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,555
...who Archer's never had sex with.
Or....
149
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:54,431
Well, that counts me out.
Me too.
150
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,892
Which part?
Keep it up, Stumplestiltskin.
151
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,561
Or-- Both of you shut up.
152
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:02,898
--better yet, a woman who has
a powerful psychological hold over Archer.
153
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,484
Please, tell me you don't mean his mother.
154
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,403
What?
Yeah, because even for us--
155
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:09,071
I'm not talking about Ms. Archer.
156
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:12,741
The only woman Archer ever really cared
about besides Lana is....
157
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:15,077
ALL: Ah!
What? Who?
158
00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:16,912
Seriously?
Yeah. Who is it?
159
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,207
Hang on, before we call her,
are we sure we want to do this?
160
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:25,629
No, you're my smoochy-boochy.
No, you're my smoochy-boochy.
161
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,006
[ALL GROAN]
162
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,341
So is there a country code, or...?
KATYA: Da?
163
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:35,014
Yes. This is Colonel Kasanova.
Yes. Oh, really?
164
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,975
Yes? Yes? I understand.
165
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:41,020
Yes. Yes. Goodbye.
166
00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:43,480
Who was that?
Who was who?
167
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,733
What are you talking about?
You were....
168
00:08:45,901 --> 00:08:49,320
Did you just not have telephone call?
Heh-heh. No.
169
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:52,781
Don't be an idiot.
Also, I must go to America.
170
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:56,493
Unrelated to the telephone call
that I just did not receive.
171
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,627
[TOILET FLUSHES]
172
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,629
ARCHER: Cyril.
Archer.
173
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:09,715
How are you holding up, buddy?
With regard to...?
174
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,635
Um, me and Lana?
Oh, right.
175
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,721
Gotta be tough, huh?
Yeah, I'm barely muddling through.
176
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,390
I'm sensing a little sarcasm.
177
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,893
Really?
Yes, Cyril, I am.
178
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,812
Maybe that's because I don't care
that you're dating Lana...
179
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,649
...because you'll never have
what she and I had.
180
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,525
Like what?
Like, uh....
181
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,569
I don't know, Archer. The little things.
182
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,238
Like Stir Friday.
You're right.
183
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,407
Nothing I could do could ever compare
to the sensual pleasures...
184
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,661
...to be found in a greasy wok
full of tiny ears of corn...
185
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,997
...and meat the exact size
and shape of dice. Which--
186
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:46,085
You just realized is why that method
of chopping food is called dicing.
187
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:51,590
Maybe. And maybe since it's Friday, Cyril,
tonight, I'm gonna make Lana stir-fry.
188
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:55,928
You what? No.
Yes. So soy you later.
189
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,930
[ARCHER CHUCKLING]
190
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,181
[DOOR OPENS]
191
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:03,894
Soy.
Operation Stir Cry-day is go, over.
192
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,522
PAM: Copy that, Figgis Newton.
What?
193
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:10,109
And also, shitty operation name.
Why can't you use the women's?
194
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:13,862
And why'd you give me a walkie-talkie?
Why do you care?
195
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,948
About either?
LANA: Wait. What?
196
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:18,951
Dinner, tonight, my place. I'll cook.
197
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:23,372
What is this, like a word scramble?
No, it's like me cooking you dinner.
198
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,165
You, as in Woodhouse?
199
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:28,377
No, me as in me, Lana.
I don't even know where Woodhouse is.
200
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:31,880
I actually haven't seen him in, like, weeks.
Uh-huh.
201
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:35,259
I'm cooking. Me, Lana. Me. Me.
MALORY: Oh....
202
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:39,221
You two and your constant bickering.
What is it this time?
203
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,307
Lana's hogging the copier.
204
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:44,893
I swear to sweet Jesus.
Okay, Julia Childish.
205
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:48,897
I'll get a sitter for A.J. So, what time is dinner?
And can I bring anything?
206
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,985
Let's say 7-ish and, yes,
you can bring 100 copies of this.
207
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,655
[ARCHER HUMMING]
208
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,575
LANA:
Wait. What?
209
00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:00,909
[HORN HONKING]
210
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,494
KRIEGER:
Come on.
211
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,414
Sorry, I had to get stakeout supplies and....
212
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:08,792
What happened to your van?
We can't stake out Archer's apartment...
213
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:12,421
...in the Rush van, it's way too iconic.
CYRIL: Wait, this is actual ice cream.
214
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,006
Plus, I've been moonlighting.
215
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,592
[ALL GROAN AND HOLOGRAM SPEAKS
IN JAPANESE]
216
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,928
KRIEGER: Shut up.
Okay, little help here, numbnuts.
217
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:24,808
Think you got enough beer?
No. Ah. But I brought a couple joints.
218
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,977
[ARCHER HUMMING]
219
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,645
[DOOR OPENS]
220
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:32,149
No, it's cool. I got it, Woodhouse.
Unless you came home?
221
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:36,820
You little scamp.
Woodhouse? Woodhouse.
222
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:39,823
Seriously, I hope he didn't die.
223
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:43,535
Meemo. Check obituaries.
224
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:47,039
Meemo. Tell Woodhouse
to buy newspa-- Damn.
225
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,624
No, that's just a feedback loop.
226
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:49,792
[FAUCET SQUEAKS]
227
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:52,336
What? Goddamn it, Woodhouse,
you stack of bones...
228
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:55,381
...if you're using my bathroom,
you're gonna need an obitu--
229
00:11:55,548 --> 00:12:00,344
What the...? Woodhouse?
No, my darling. It is I.
230
00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:03,806
Katya?
Heh. Well, you sound surprised, darling.
231
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,976
Well, why are you in my bathroom?
Oh, I was just preparing.
232
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:12,898
In my apartment? In America?
Oh, I just had to see you, darling.
233
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,442
I have been longing for your tender touch.
234
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:19,238
Well, but just, like, out of the blue?
Was Barry's touch not tender? Or...?
235
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,241
I, how you say, uh, "dump" Barry.
236
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,743
Oh, right.
You knew this?
237
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:29,623
I assumed it was bound to happen,
since Barry was such a douche.
238
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:31,667
And still is. Presumably.
239
00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:34,586
And also alive, and not crushed
and then burned to death...
240
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,089
...in a grain silo. Presumably.
241
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:40,717
What is the matter, darling?
Are you not excited to see your Katya?
242
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:44,596
No, "excited" is actually
the exact word I would have cho--
243
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,557
[ARCHER MOANING]
244
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:51,145
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God.
This is, like, the perfect day.
245
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:56,024
Aw. The day Archer finally gets what's
been coming to him all these years.
246
00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:59,361
So wait. When did you put
all those cameras in his apartment?
247
00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:02,489
The same time I did the rest of--
You know what's good? Hochschiebens.
248
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:04,992
Yeah, let's all have a Hochschieben.
249
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,202
[KRIEGER SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
250
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:10,831
Yes. I mean, no.
I mean, my neck's all sweaty.
251
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:13,667
It can't possibly taste good so....
Mmm.
252
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:18,130
I love. It's salty. It's like caviar.
253
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,258
Which, boy,
talk about an acquired taste, huh?
254
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:23,927
And a little-known fact....
255
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:27,181
Darling, you're on fire.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
256
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:28,807
So are you.
No.
257
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,059
Literally.
You mean figuratively.
258
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,729
Oh, God, there's so much
we never had time to--
259
00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:36,064
[SCREAMING]
260
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:38,400
Darling, there. The champagne.
261
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,236
[ARCHER CLEARS THROAT,
THEN GROANS]
262
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:43,864
Very high in cholesterol. Caviar.
263
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:47,576
Darling, are you all right?
Yeah. I'm fine.
264
00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:51,121
Messrs. Kilgour, French, Stanbury,
Turnbull and Asser, not so much.
265
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:54,124
Oh, well, then let's get you
out of these wet clothes...
266
00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,627
...and into something--
Dry?
267
00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:57,920
[CHUCKLES]
268
00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:01,798
Oh, I can promise you, it is not dry.
269
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,175
[GULPS]
270
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:11,892
Blarp.
271
00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:15,687
Well, in the immortal words
of Wendell Stamps...
272
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,565
...that's going in the slideshow.
273
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:21,401
Burp. No offense.
Why would I be offen--?
274
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,695
[CHERYL BELCHES, THEN LAUGHS]
275
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,950
[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL]
276
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,458
KATYA [OVER TV]:
Oh, baby, it is all over everything.
277
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:41,713
CYRIL: So is Cheryl. Will you get off?
That's what she said, right?
278
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,550
More like what he said.
Katya, please.
279
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,718
Please, I have to tell you something.
280
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,722
I'm listening. Go ahead, baby.
They're jingling, baby.
281
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:54,851
Huh. I didn't know you were a fan
of early crossover mainstream hip-hop.
282
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:58,647
Or that you were that strong.
Oh, my God. I'm glad I'm not a woman.
283
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,649
[KATYA SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
284
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,151
No, not in a general sense. Look.
285
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:04,653
CYRIL:
Look, look, here comes Lana.
286
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:09,700
Oh, man, I don't wanna sound greedy
but a threesome and then a breakup? Burp!
287
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:14,496
Or a foursome and I'm the pizza guy?
You have pizza?
288
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,165
[CAR ALARM BEEPS
AND LANA HUMMING]
289
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:24,548
Darling, I do not understand.
290
00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:28,010
I know, and me neither.
This is all uncharted territory for me.
291
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,470
But I've changed, Katya. I've changed.
292
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,599
Well, I have also changed.
My new operating system...
293
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,560
...includes the entire Kama Sutra.
Wow, okay.
294
00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:40,564
The first edition of the old
Mr. Boston Official Bartender's Guide...
295
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:46,194
...and a deep, hard-wired understanding
and appreciation of men's lacrosse.
296
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:49,823
Aah!
No, darling, wait.
297
00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:51,700
[HUMMING]
298
00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:54,077
What?
MAN: Out of order.
299
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:57,080
Yes, thank you. I can see that.
Why you ask?
300
00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:02,044
Out of order?
I'll show you out of order.
301
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:07,049
Lana Kane? The giant negress?
Hey. Now, come on. She's not--
302
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:09,343
What? A negress?
Gigantic.
303
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:12,512
I mean, she's tall,
but a lot of that's the boots and the hair...
304
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,932
...and those hands aren't doing her
any favors, human-size-wise.
305
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,976
She's basically Groot.
306
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,895
[SPUTTERING]
307
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,939
In the dark it's like Eubie Blake's
reaching out for you, but--
308
00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:25,442
But you prefer her to me?
309
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:29,029
I mean, no, but wait.
You slept with Barry at our wedding.
310
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:31,573
Ah! At second wedding.
Oh, right.
311
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:34,326
At our first wedding--
I saved your life from Barry...
312
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,453
...and in process, I lose my own life.
313
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:40,290
But then again, you slept with him
at our second wedding, which kind of--
314
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:44,127
You were the one who could not deal
with the fact that I am now cyborg.
315
00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:46,880
You were the one who banged Barry.
Ah! Bozhe moi.
316
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:50,384
You have not changed a bit.
Ha! Shows what you know.
317
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:53,887
You Barry-banger. I have changed.
I have a kid.
318
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:56,598
[KATYA GASPS,
THEN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
319
00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:02,104
Yeah. A little baby girl, Abbiejean.
With Lana.
320
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:06,566
And then we started going out again
and somehow it's kind of amazing, really.
321
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,820
We're, like, connecting, you know?
I realize that all this time...
322
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:13,907
...even though we fought like cats
and a very tall dog...
323
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,493
...we've always been best friends.
324
00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,870
And then to realize you
might actually be in love...
325
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:22,416
...with your best friend who also happens
to be the mother of your child.
326
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,001
That's, like, a miracle.
327
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:28,630
And so even though I'll always have
a special place for you in my heart...
328
00:17:28,798 --> 00:17:31,508
...and obviously in my slideshow, I--
Your what?
329
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:34,136
It doesn't matter.
I feel like I just found Lana...
330
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:37,472
...after all these years
and I can't risk losing her again.
331
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,852
I-- Don't know what to say, Sterling.
332
00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:45,480
I feel-- I feel like....
333
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:47,482
[ALL SNIFFLE AND CYRIL SIGHS]
334
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:52,612
A great big, jerky, giant asshole.
Right?
335
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,615
Well? Are we just gonna sit here?
336
00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:59,202
CHERYL: I can't believe they're in love.
Cheesy Pete's.
337
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:03,707
Lazy, lazy, fatty, fatty gaijin. Whee!
338
00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:07,544
I mean,
how do you not murder her every day?
339
00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:10,088
[SOFTLY]
I do.
340
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,257
No, please, I feel like the asshole.
341
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:16,553
I mean, look at you.
I literally cannot believe I'm asking you to go.
342
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:20,307
But you must.
Yeah. I've seen her crush a cue ball.
343
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:23,351
Oh, I forgot something in bathroom.
I'll mail it to you.
344
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,812
But you got to go now.
She'll be here any second.
345
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,063
Whew.
346
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:31,443
Suck it, you dick stairs.
347
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,780
Is a bit awkward,
to leave from balcony.
348
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,865
I know, sorry, but the elevator's out...
349
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:40,202
...and I can just see you two running
into each other on the stairs.
350
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:43,246
No, because the last time I leave
your apartment from balcony--
351
00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:44,873
Oh, right. You died.
352
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,793
But the last time, I did not have this.
353
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:50,962
Wow.
Da.
354
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:55,967
It is also very good for bondage,
mild BDSM, things of this nature.
355
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,054
I bet.
May I kiss you goodbye, Sterling?
356
00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:02,390
Yes. Yes, please.
357
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,768
[SIGHS]
358
00:19:04,936 --> 00:19:09,314
I will miss you. Very much.
Me too. But if it's any consolation...
359
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:14,611
...I'll be thinking of you
the next several times I have sex with Lana.
360
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:18,365
Well, goodbye. Sterling.
361
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:21,493
[SIGHS]
362
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:24,371
Oh, holy shit, I gotta make stir-fry.
363
00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:27,415
Why is the door open? That's weird.
364
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,835
ALL: Lana!
What? What the shit?
365
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,170
There's-- Oh, I got a stitch.
366
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:36,049
What are you idiots doing here?
What am I even doing here?
367
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:40,011
Well, Archer, the first thing you're doing
is making a very stiff drink.
368
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,305
Well?
Cyril? You gotta....
369
00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:45,392
What?
Cyril's gotta tell you something.
370
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,519
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
371
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,105
Yeah, Cyril.
That is just.... Argh!
372
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:53,108
Cyril. What?
373
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,819
Lana, please don't go in there
because I still love you.
374
00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:57,529
There. I said it.
375
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:58,822
Wow.
376
00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:01,199
Yeah.
Ha!
377
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,076
[ALL CLAMORING]
378
00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:08,832
LANA: So how's all that going?
Agh! Not great.
379
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:13,336
Jesus, Woodhouse really is gone, huh?
Which-- Here are your fliers.
380
00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:16,673
I actually don't need them.
What? After I made all these copies?
381
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,800
Well, who's gonna put them up, Lana?
Hey. Whoa.
382
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:22,220
I did not just schlep my ass up
your jillion idiot stairs...
383
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:24,848
...to eat your shitty attitude for dinner,
mister.
384
00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:28,018
I might as well go eat with Cyril.
At least he can cook stir-fry.
385
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,604
And he's still totally in love with me.
What?
386
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:34,316
Yeah. Right outside, just dumped
his purse all over the welcome mat.
387
00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:36,359
Ugh. So pathetic.
388
00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:39,237
Seriously. Maybe try growing a pair.
389
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:43,158
But here I am with the old Archer.
What? I'm not the old Archer.
390
00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:44,492
I'm the new Archer.
391
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:47,746
I've changed, Lana.
Please, you're halfway to half in the bag.
392
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:51,833
As usual, walking around in your--
Why are you in your spreefs?
393
00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:54,419
They complement my active lifestyle?
394
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,254
Archer.
Um....
395
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:57,589
Uh-huh.
396
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,926
Oh, what, what, Lana.
Wait. No, there's nothing in there.
397
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:04,638
LANA: You call this nothing?
Yeah, so....
398
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:09,434
Because I call it smoochy-boochy town.
Uh-- Hm?
399
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,103
LANA:
Smooth jazz, rose petals, candles...
400
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:16,024
...not sure what happened there,
but, oh, my gosh. And Dom Pérignon?
401
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:20,695
Which, I assume, was delicious.
Um, expensive fire extinguisher.
402
00:21:20,863 --> 00:21:23,365
Then go get a few more bottles
out of the fridge...
403
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:27,619
...just to be safe
because I am gonna burn you down.
404
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,287
[GIGGLING]
405
00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:33,124
Back in a sec, new Archer.
406
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:38,838
Yeah. I am new. I am, Lana.
I mean, I feel like a brand-new man.
407
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,131
I've really changed.
408
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,592
LANA: Really?
Yeah.
409
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,135
[LANA CLEARS THROAT]
410
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:49,057
Then why is there a vagina in the sink?!
411
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:53,436
Um.... So funny story.
34637
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