Original subtitles

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

I hate snakes.

I don't care what my contract says,

I won't do the snake thing and that's final.

But, Oklahoma, the network research shows

that snakes boost ratings.

Nice watch, Roger.

- Gold? - Of course.

Hope it's waterproof.

Now about those snakes.

[ gulps ] I'm sure we can work something out.

See to it. In the meantime,

I'll know when I'm fashionably late.

Today's ALF Tale is "King Midas,"

the story of the man with the Midas touch.

Everything he touched turned to gold.

Woman: Smile, Professor.

Hey, my right profile's better.

[ camera clicks ]

This is Connie Chung, artifacts reporter

for the Irrational Broadcasting Company

here on the campus of Oklahoma Junior College.

Professor Oklahoma Jones, the world-famous archeologist,

is about to depart on his latest expedition.

Professor Jones is searching for the legendary King Midas.

Chung on radio: This will be Professor Jones' last lecture

before leaving on this perilous expedition.

[ German accent ] It will be his last lecture ever.

Audience: We want Oklahoma!

We want Oklahoma! We want...

Am I fashionably late yet?

We want Oklahoma.

- Thank you. - [ audience applauding ]

For years, King Midas has been

just another mythical figure

like the tooth fairy.

[ gasps, cheers ]

No tooth fairy?

But who left me all those quarters?

But new evidence has recently come to light.

Slide, please.

As you can see, he appears to really exist.

Unfortunately, the photographer who took this picture

made the mistake of shaking hands with King Midas

and was instantly turned to mold.

"Mold"?

Is he a knucklehead or what?

But the photographer's camera survived

along with this map

of the uncharted ancient theme park of Midasland.

And that's where our expedition is headed.

There's Hertz Budget Camel Rentals.

I hope they're open.

Welcome to the Hertz Budget Camel Rental.

You know our motto,

"It only hurts when you pay."

Brit?

Good to see you again, Okie.

What are you doing here?

I'll make this whole expedition seem more exotic

by speaking with a pretentious British accent.

Would you like the one-hump or the two-hump model?

Anything as long as it's air-conditioned.

I believe I have a reservation.

Ah, Professor Jones,

I presume.

The one and only.

Where have I heard that voice before?

Your camels are ready.

Did you want mirage insurance?

No, thanks. I gave at the office.

Say, haven't I heard your voice before?

Who, me?

Oh, you're mistaken, sahib.

I never forget a voice.

Stop that, hot breath.

My archrival, Professor Bouquet.

What are you doing here?

Following you, Oklahoma Jones.

Now hand over that map.

Make me, you sleazy bully.

Try your puny bullwhip

on my razor-sharp scimitar,

Oklahoma Jones.

Come on, punk. Make my day.

I think we'll be hiring a new prop guy.

[ yells ]

Grab a camel, guys. Let's split.

I will split you...

in half!

[ coughing ]

Herr Limburger, you fool.

You let them get away.

I'll get you yet, Oklahoma Jones!

Aha!

Signs of civilization.

You mean junk?

Jones: No, I mean junk food.

- [ door opens ] - [ bell rings ]

Oklahoma!

Rhonda!

Ow!

What was that for?

That's for jilting me 10 years ago

when you were a young instructor

and I was your innocent student.

Yeah, but at least you got an A.

Don't change the subject.

How about some service here?

I'm hungry.

Oh, typical.

Always thinking of yourself first.

Yeah, but I always thought of you second.

- Really? - Really.

Close your eyes, kids.

Here comes the mushy part.

Oh, Oklahoma.

Oh, Rhonda.

Hey, what happened to the schmaltzy love scene music?

Are the sound editors out to lunch or something?

Bouquet: No, but you are...

permanently.

[ muffled ] Let me go, you--

[ yells ]

Now hand over that map

or it's curtains for your girlfriend.

That's terrible.

I know she'd prefer Venetian blinds.

Jones: So there we were,

trussed up like turkeys in a roasting pan,

waiting for the bomb to go off.

- The evil Professor Bouquet - [ fuse sizzling ]

had absconded with the map to King Midas' castle

and left us up the creek without a poodle.

That's paddle.

Sorry. Typo.

Aren't you gonna do something

to get us out of here, Okie?

You're the macho one, remember?

I thought macho was out and sensitive was in.

[ grunting ]

That Limburger guy sure has a way with knots.

Bet he does some dandy macramé.

Brit: The bomb, Okie.

Don't worry.

No harm will come to me

while I'm wearing this solid gold Swiss timepiece.

[ explosion ]

[ ticks ]

Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

And now back to our show.

We've gotta reach King Midas before Bouquet and Limburger do.

But we have no map.

I forgot about that.

We're sunk.

If we don't make it out of here,

we'll never get to do a sequel.

Well, my place is history.

Guess I'll have to join you

so I can cash in on Midas' riches.

Besides, since you lost the map,

I'm the only one who knows the way.

[ hissing ]

[ squawking ]

Maybe we should've taken the freeway.

I thought you'd appreciate the scenic route.

So how do you know so much about this Midas thing?

Don't you remember?

I did my senior thesis on Midas.

Besides, I used to take my camel to his place for tune-ups.

[ yells ]

So how did he acquire this... affliction?

Well, he was Bob Midas then.

He started out with nothing

but a humble muffler shop in the desert.

He was a huge success.

He was the king of the muffler biz.

- [ yells ] - [ blasts ]

Rhonda: So he set up franchises all over.

There were Midas camel muffler shops everywhere.

Bob grew fabulously wealthy,

but still he wanted more.

One day a superior being named Cartier Tiffany...

- Ah! - brought his camel in

for a complete overhaul.

[ thud ]

Wow.

Rhonda: He gave Bob a wonderful gift

in exchange for reviving his camel.

Everything Midas touched turned to gold.

Jones: Hold it!

I thought it was mold.

Everything he touched turned to mold.

You were wrong.

Me wrong? Impossible.

The only mold is in your ears.

Gold with a G.

Oh, gold.

No wonder everyone's so excited.

Come on. We're at the entrance

to the secret passage to Midasland.

Are you sure this is safe?

Of course.

Ooh, it's in Latin.

What does it say, Okie?

"Caveat snakus fallum."

Watch for falling snakes.

[ gulps ] Uh...

ladies before gentlemen.

My hero.

[ all yelling ]

[ thud ]

Snakes!

Get me out of here.

Oh, stop it, you big baby.

They're more afraid of you than you are of them.

I don't think so.

[ hissing ]

Why don't you imagine that the snakes

are something that you aren't afraid of?

Think of your favorite animal.

Favorite animal, huh?

Okay.

- [ mooing ] - It worked!

Don't you just love cows?

They're so affectionate.

Cows!

I'm terrified of cows.

I'd rather be surrounded by snakes.

Snakes?

Did somebody say snakes?

[ hissing ]

Whoa!

I'm not scared, I'm not scared.

- I'm not-- - Watch out, Oklahoma!

Whoa!

- [ screams ] - [ crash ]

Midasland.

Wow.

[ thunks ]

Heavy metal.

This way.

Rhonda: This is Midas' wife....

and his two kids.

Jones: My, they're well-behaved.

A bit shy, perhaps.

And, finally, the king himself.

Rhonda, how nice to see you.

King Midas!

I'm Oklahoma Jones.

Are you nuts?

You wanna end up like them?

[ gulps ] Whoops.

Tell us what it's like

to be the richest man in the world.

It's lonely at the top.

And I'm starving.

I haven't eaten a thing in years.

You've got to help him, Oklahoma.

Sure.

No job's too challenging

for Oklahoma Jones.

There is a magic coffee mug

that can lift this curse.

But to get it, you must go to...

the Tomb of Dishware.

[ all gasp ]

[ together ] The Tomb of Dishware?

I have to ponder this for a while.

Isn't it about time for a commercial break?

Bouquet: Oklahoma Jones must never

leave the tomb alive.

I want that gold for myself

and my gruesome colleagues.

The gold is mine!

And as long as Midas has the magic touch,

I'll have an endless supply.

[ laughs ]

[ laughing ]

[ all grunting ]

Now, legend has it

that the entrance to the Great Sphinx

is through the snout.

Hmm.

There must be a trick lever around here somewhere.

[ yells ]

Yeow!

[ gasps, yells ]

[ slurps ]

[ fabric ripping ]

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm making a torch.

But that's my smoking jacket.

Be thankful I didn't take your trousers.

[ gasps ]

Let's see, according to my knowledge of hieroglyphics...

that inscription says...

"Play whatever tune you wish,

but get it wrong and you'll get squished."

Hmm...

why don't you try? I've got a tin ear.

- [ clanks ] - See?

I can't.

In these stories, the heroines are supposed to

scream a lot and act scared.

[ rattling ]

We're gonna be crushed!

Oklahoma, do something!

You might remember this next number

from a long time ago and far, far away.

[ rattling ]

Well, at least we'll all have thinner thighs.

My thighs are fine, thank you. Try again.

[ rattling ]

Brit: Well, Okie...

here we are in the Tomb of Dishware.

Now it's time for you to face massive danger

and get the magic mug.

- Says who? - [ gun cocks ]

- Bouquet: Says me, Okie. - [ screams ]

How nice of you to show up, Mr. Jones.

Now you can risk your life to get the mug for us.

Couldn't I just wash your car instead?

Get going.

Um, according to my thesis,

to reach the tomb,

one must solve three riddles.

The first,

"What lays eggs and goes quack?"

Hmm.

A chicken?

Nah, a chicken goes... [ clucks ]

A parrot?

Nah, a parrot goes, "Polly want a cracker?"

Okie, duck!

Yeah, that's it. Duck.

Boy, I bet you played a mean game of charades.

[ together ] No, stupid!

Duck!

[ gasps, yells ]

What ho!

Flying saucers.

Hopscotch, my favorite.

To pass safely,

you must correctly spell the word

"Encyclopedia."

How come it's never a word like "cat"?

E.

Whew. N.

Hey, I'm pretty good at this.

If we ever get out of this alive,

remind me to enter a spelling bee.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, "Encyclopedia."

E-N-S...

whoa!

- [ gasps ] - I say...

do you think I could have his hat?

From now on, I'm sticking to board games.

[ grunts ]

This is the toughest challenge of all.

You must believe that you can walk across this chasm

on your own imaginary bridge.

So long, good-bye, adios, I'm outta here.

I may take a lot of ridiculous, near-fatal risks,

but I'm not stupid.

I see a bridge.

Don't you see a bridge?

And what a lovely bridge it is.

One small step for man,

hopefully not one giant fall for me.

Hey, it works!

Solid construction.

I guess the trick to this believing thing

is to be 100% sure.

But I wonder what would happen

if I had just the teeniest bit of doubt.

Whoa!

I believe, I believe!

♪ I'm dreaming to dream ♪

♪ The impossible dream... ♪

Oof.

Well, it's about time.

I opened this lousy shop 700 years ago

and finally a customer.

Why open a shop in the middle of a sphinx?

The rent was cheap.

That's the last time I feed somebody

a straight line.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a magic mug,

preferably dishwasher-proof.

Magic mugs?

I got a million of 'em.

Sol: But choose wisely.

Only one will remove the Midas touch.

And the others will do who knows what.

Bouquet: Thank you for leading me to the magic mug,

Professor Jones.

What do you want with it?

You don't have the Midas touch.

Yes, but with Midas under my power,

I'll be the richest man in the world.

Now hand me the mug

so I can smash it into a thousand pieces.

[ laughs ]

Sol: Remember...

choose wisely.

You win, Bouquet.

But before you smash it,

allow me to toast your victory.

But, Oklahoma,

how can you give in so easily?

It's been a long day. I'm tired.

We'll have plenty more adventures.

Hmm, I guess Midas isn't the only one

with the golden touch.

Maybe this is what they mean

by a hardened criminal.

You interested in some solid gold bad guys?

- [ rumbling ] - All: Whoa!

It's Cartier.

He's angry that we're tampering with forces

that we cannot comprehend.

Boy, I'd hate to see him

after he gets a parking ticket.

Let's get out of here.

That's it. Run away.

Eh, you kids today.

Make a mess and leave the cleaning up for me.

The magic mug.

You found it.

Drink all you want, king.

It's decaf.

I'm cured!

What took you so long,

you no-good, lousy bum?

And why didn't you ever polish me?

I want my allowance.

[ crying ]

Boy, does she need a diaper change.

Ah...

the soothing voices of my loving family.

You know, Okie,

it's about time we started raising

a family of our own.

Family, suburbs,

the old nine-to-five thing...

Hey, Rhonda, watch out for that boulder.

What boulder? I don't see any boulder.

Okie, where are you?

Okie, come back!

I'll get your hat cleaned for you, Okie.

Wait!

- ♪ Gordon, send us... - ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah! I kill me!