Original subtitles

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

Roll tape and action.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Stop the music.

Where are the dancers?

This is supposed to be the gala "Snow White"

opening number.

Roger: Hi, Gordon.

I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to

rethink this show.

What do you mean?

We've been rehearsing for a month.

And it's my first directing gig.

The legal department says we can't

do the opening song and dance routine.

But I've already spent most of the budget

on costumes and choreographers.

And an obnoxious-sounding brass section.

That's not my problem, Gordon.

I'm sure you'll come up with a creative alternative.

How's this?

We do "Snow White" as a documentary.

A documentary cartoon?

Sounds creative to me.

Well, I have a plane to catch.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I present today's ALF Tale, "Snow White,"

the world's first documentary cartoon.

I still think that production number

would've gotten us a lot of publicity.

[ Gordon speaks ]

Today's mystery takes us

to the picturesque ski resort of Hi-Ho.

There a beautiful young ski bunny

has been forced into hiding

following a bizarre series of attempted murders.

There have been many leads,

but so far the baffled police

have been unable to locate the suspect.

Last week, you the viewer helped us

apprehend that immature young boy in green tights

who was flying over London without a license.

And within two minutes of our broadcast

about the reptile con artist princess kisser,

a viewer called with a hot tip.

Now that alleged suspect is behind bars.

I'm Robert Stuck.

Maybe somebody out there

will help us solve today's fairy tale.

Maybe that somebody is you.

Whoa!

Fire the graphics department.

The world famous ski resort of Hi-Ho

has long been known as the meeting place

of the jet set, the elite,

and the frostbitten.

In that sleepy, happy community

of dopey, bashful locals,

a lithe young skier named Snow White

appeared on the scene.

In no time, Snow White had knocked everyone's socks off

with her schussing

[ clapping ]

With a name like Snow,

it sounds like you were born to ski.

Do you have any other hobbies?

Just cleaning house.

I'm a compulsive cleaner.

This is the first time in five years

that you, Wicked Queen,

haven't won this event.

Aren't you envious?

Me envious of that miserable little bimbo?

Not a chance.

Everyone in Hi-Ho remembers the events

that led up to Snow White's tragic disappearance.

Oh, she was such a nice girl.

And her room was so neat.

And then one day she didn't come home.

But she left such a lovely note.

It said, um, "Buy another three cases

of anti-mildew bathroom bowl cleanser."

[ cries ]

Evidence provided by Snow White's ski instructor

shed some light on her lethal game of hide-and-seek.

Before Snow White came to town,

the best skier in Hi-Ho

was a fun gal named Wicked Queen.

Every day on her way down the mountain,

Wicked Queen would always stop to ask me....

Stuck: Ask you what?

de la Wall: Well, she'd look right into

my mirrored ski goggles and say,

"Mario, Mario with a tan.

Who's the fairest skier in the land?"

Oh, Queen, fair queen,

I'll say what's true.

The fairest skier in town is you.

But the day that Snow White moved

to that winter playground...

things changed.

One theory is that Queen's envy drove her far.

Too far.

After Snow White came to Hi-Ho,

did you have any further conversations with Queen?

de la Wall: Oh, yeah.

She mighta said something like, uh...

"Mario, Mario, you're so cool.

Who's the skier who makes you drool?"

And what did you answer?

I'm not 100% sure,

but I think it was something like...

"Tough luck, lady, about your plight.

My vote goes to that chick, Snow White."

Stuck: Shortly after that day,

Snow White disappeared.

Investigators can only theorize

about what happened next.

[ screams ]

Quiet or I'll make you watch

eight and a half hours a day

of The Shopping Channel.

[ screams ]

Who are you?

Where are you taking me?

I can't tell you.

[ both grunt ]

"Thugs for hire."

Who hired you to do this to me?

I can't say.

[ grunts ]

Oof!

20 questions.

- Was it a woman? - Yes.

- A creepy woman? - Yes.

A creepy, eerie, scary, smelly,

yellow-toothed woman in a red ski jacket?

Yes, yes!

Did she used to be an award-winning ski bunny?

Yes!

[ both groan ]

Hmm, I have no idea who it could be.

Look, we're only a hundred meters

from the middle of nowhere.

Is that far?

I have trouble with the metric system.

I must leave you here.

That's not very nice.

I beg your pardon.

It isvery nice.

You see, I was hired to cut off

your toes and your fingers.

Oh, gross.

And then kill you!

Double gross.

But instead I'll leave you here.

Don't tell anyone.

Bye.

Bye!

One of the more pleasant thugs I've met.

Now how do I get outta here?

Welcome back to "Unsolved Fairy Tales."

Our case involves the mysterious disappearance

of Snow White, ski bunny extraordinaire.

Alone in the woods,

police have concluded that Snow White

looked to the forest creatures for support.

Thank you, my little wilderness friends.

I must remember to give a large donation

to Save the Squirrels.

[ grunts, gasps ]

Thank goodness. I'm in luck.

Oh, happy day.

Can I help you?

Uh, yes. Are my photos ready?

I'm sorry, Ms. White.

They won't be ready 'til late next week.

Oh, well...

someday my prints will come.

[ humming ]

[ low rumbling ]

What's that?

Do I hear footsteps?

Is that another cute, cuddly little forest creature?

[ roars ]

Help!

What'll I do now?

Hey, don't sweat it, kid.

This is only a reenactment, remember?

A reenactment?

Oh, what a relief.

[ roars ]

Stuck: Authorities believe that the bear

chased the lovely Snow White

through the forest to Dwarf Valley,

a popular condo development.

As far as we know,

the bear had no obvious motive.

But he aggressively continued his pursuit.

[ growls ]

[ roars ]

Stuck: Lock up your daughters, ladies and gentlemen.

That ferocious bear is still at large.

Just moments later,

investigators surmise that the despondent thug

paid a visit at Hi-Ho Novelties.

So in walks this despondent thug.

I sold him some fingers and toes

of the finest latex.

Nothing cheap for this thug.

What taste.

Stuck: Police theorized that Snow White

took refuge in the warm condo.

Uh, anybody home?

Think I'll make a cup of instant,

low-calorie hot chocolate.

Something's coming over me.

Clean. Clean.

I must be clean.

[ panting ]

I can't control myself.

[ whistling ]

What is that dreadful noise?

[ whistling continues ]

If there's anything I hate,

it's a whistle while I work.

Stuck: Meanwhile, surveillance experts

uncovered that the neighborly thug

paid a late-night visit to an isolated palace.

[ pounding ]

Wicked Queen's voice: Who is it?

Delivery.

I have those body parts you ordered.

Thank you.

You can leave them on the step.

You know, you're pretty nice for a thug.

Stuck: Our sources show that the cozy condo in the woods

was rented to seven ski bums.

G-g-go ahead, s-s-say it.

Stuck: Seven short ski bums.

Someone's been eating our porridge.

Wrong story.

There's a beautiful woman asleep in my bed.

That's more like it.

Ski bum: Look, she's waking up.

[ sighs ] Where am I?

At the Dwarf Valley Condos.

I'm Sleazy,

and these are my fellow short ski bums,

Flakey and Hokey and Tacky.

I thought there were supposed to be seven of you.

There are.

The rest are out working.

I thought you were ski bums.

We are, but we're also workaholics.

- [ clatters ] - And who are you?

I'm Snow White.

I think somebody's trying to kill me.

That's, like, a major bummer.

Would you like to hide out here?

Oh, that would be super.

I can't pay you anything,

but I will clean compulsively.

No problem.

Stuck: And so Snow White found domestic bliss

- with the seven ski bums. - [ coughing ]

The very next morning,

the pastoral quiet of the Hi-Ho slopes

was broken with the sound of Mario the ski instructor

conversing with one of his students.

Mario, Mario, you're always right.

Tell me who is dynamite?

Queen, my skier's intuition

says you still have competition.

Drat.

That means Snow White's still alive.

I knew that thug seemed too nice.

Stuck: Investigators discovered that the ski bums

had purchased a Nordic exerciser machine for Snow White.

Presumably because the onetime bunny

- longed for her skis. - [ crash ]

A little roof repair was no big deal

for the short workaholics.

Every day they'd come home,

eat a home-cooked meal,

and chill out by the fire.

Oh, I've never had so much attention in my life.

I'll have to tell all my girlfriends

about the merits of short men

when I go home.

If I cango home.

[ cries ]

She feared she'd have to hide

from her heartless pursuer forever.

Cheer up, Snow.

We'll buy you a new DustBuster.

We're off to work now.

Remember, whatever you do,

don't answer the door.

But Snow White was unaware that at that very moment,

someone was gaining intimate knowledge

of her whereabouts.

[ laughing ]

[ music playing ]

[ clicks ]

Now what did Flakey tell me not to do?

Um, not to clean the oven?

Not to take out the garbage?

[ doorbell rings ]

Hmm, I can't remember.

Well, I'd better get the door.

It's the Fruit-Of-The-Month Club.

I didn't order any Fruit-Of-The-Month.

[ sighs ]

I guess I'll have to let this

nice, red, ripe apple go to waste.

Or will you open up?

Sorry, Flakey's orders.

Well, if you want,

I'll just leave your special gift

here on the doorstep.

And I'll even take a bite

to prove it's not poisoned.

I'd appreciate that.

Now which side did I poison?

I'll also leave you with this delicious cup

of instant, low-calorie hot chocolate

to wash it down with.

Thank you.

Stuck: The famished Snow White

couldn't resist temptation.

She ate the apple and washed it down

with the hot chocolate.

Well, I'm not poisoned yet.

Uh-oh.

Spoke too soon.

You know, Sleazy, I never understood

why we carry these picks and shovels.

Yeah, I could see if we worked in the mines,

but we're waiters.

Oh, no!

She's been poisoned!

It says here

that this type of poison

causes deep sleep

and the only thing that will wake her up

is a kiss.

No problem.

"A kiss from a handsome prince."

That's a problem.

The ski bums set up a kissing booth

at the Snow Fair.

Expert smoochers came from far and wide

to kiss Snow.

Meanwhile, Wicked Queen competed

in the Snow Bunny competition.

And the winner is...

Wicked Queen.

Now, Mario, tell me.

Sorry, Queen, to mess you up,

but I think Snow White deserves that cup.

That's it, I'm leaving.

I'm not even any good at murder.

As we say in my country, ciao.

Wicked Queen: Hope your cheap goggles are shock-resistant.

Our sources show that the kissing

went on for days

until the townspeople had sore lips.

But nothing could interrupt

Snow White's marathon snooze.

The seven short ski bums

went on with their lives,

but things just weren't the same.

For one thing, their condo was a complete pigsty.

I think there's something wrong with this milk.

What's the date say?

44 B.C.

If only we could get Snow to wake up.

Maybe we could find a place

a little more upbeat for her to sleep than a coffin.

Stuck's voice: Wait, guys, I have an idea.

I'm tired of these theories and reenactments.

I wanna meet this legendary Snow White for myself.

I'm sorry.

She's all tied up on the kissing circuit.

Well, is there any reason that I couldn't get involved?

We're limiting our kissers to the skiing community.

Well, then, I'll just have to learn how to ski.

[ grunts ]

[ groans ]

Whoa!

So how was that?

Tell me, Mario, who's the most promising beginner

you've ever seen?

Words fail me.

Finally the day came that the seven short ski bums

allowed me to meet Snow White.

She was making a hastily arranged appearance

on the Date Connection Game.

Bachelorette number one,

what is your favorite pastime?

Oh, that's a tough one.

But I guess I'll have to say

buying turbocharged sports cars for my men.

- [ giggles ] - [ audience laughs ]

Thank you.

Number two, what is your favorite pastime?

Mm, I would have to say

boning a chicken.

- [ audience laughs ] - Hmm.

What have I been missing?

Now, number three.

My hobby is skiing.

What do you like to do?

[ groans ]

[ clock ticking ]

[ buzzer sounds ]

I'll choose Bachelorette Number Three.

I told you.

Today's bachelors don't want a girl

with her own opinions.

Good morning.

Is there any oat bran?

Did I miss the news?

She's awake!

But I thought only a handsome prince

could break the spell.

Didn't you know that TV hosts

have even more clout than handsome princes?

Boy, do I feel rested.

And so, Snow White and I are about to live happily ever after.

But there is still one unsolved mystery--

the whereabouts of that notorious suspect

Wicked Queen.

You can help us bring

this dangerous fugitive to justice.

If you have any information pertaining to this case,

call the Hi-Ho police

at 1-800-555-BUST-A-QUEEN.

I've had it. You win.

You are the fairest.

Wait a minute.

I made a mistake.

After careful consideration,

I've concluded that Judge Whomper,

the judge on "The People's Trial,"

is the fairest.

You mean neither one of us wins?

I can live with that.

[ click ]

Another alleged heinous criminal off the slopes

thanks to "Unsolved Fairy Tales."

You know, darling, you look remarkably

like that girl who played you in those reenactments.

That was me.

I needed the extra bucks.

Well, then let's blow this pop shop.

I'm tired of trash TV.

With your riches and my good looks,

we can live a life of leisureous ski bums.

- ♪ Gordon, send us... - ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah! I kill me!