Original subtitles

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

"Grandma, what big ears you have."

"B-b-better to hear you with, my dear."

"And what big elbows you have."

"The better to nudge you with, my dear."

And, Grandma, what big thighs you have.

Uh-oh. Better get out my workout tape.

As you might have guessed, today's ALF Tale

is the classic epic "Moby Dick."

[ laughs ]

Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Actually, today's ALF Tale is really the symbolic

and whimsical "Little Red Riding Hood."

It has laughter. It has pathos.

And for the media connoisseurs,

it even has special effects.

- [ zaps ] - [ yells ]

So grab your granny, basket of goodies,

and your local huntsman and enjoy,

because we went way over budget on this one.

[ all murmuring ]

Hello. Little Red Riding Hood Delivery Service.

We'll deliver your package. Have no fear.

And if you don't believe me, stick it in your ear.

Whoa!

There and back in three minutes and 22 seconds--

a Little Red Riding Hood record.

But, Red, you forgot to deliver the package.

What do you want, perfection?

D-d-do you deliver packages?

No, we deliver packages.

Thank goodness.

There's an old lady scientist

working on a secret project for the government.

Her code name is Grandma.

Aren't secret agents supposed to have numbers?

I don't know, but if she doesn't get this package immediately,

it could mean the end of the world as we know it.

No cable television?

No Janitor In A Drum?

No insider trading?

That is serious.

Well, we can do it, but it won't be cheap.

[ coughs ]

It's a deal. One more thing:

before you give her the package,

she's got to give you the secret code.

A secret code.

What an original plot twist.

First you say, "Grandma, what big eyes you have."

Then she's got to answer--

"The better to see you with, my dear."

Lucky guess.

Then say, "And, Grandma, what big ears you have."

Then she'll answer--

"The better to hear you with, my dear."

Hmm. I think I detect a pattern emerging.

Then say,

"Grandma, what big teeth you have."

- And then she'll say-- - "The better to eat you with, my dear."

Wrong! What do you think she is, a wolf or something?

I thought I was on a roll.

She'll say, "That's because I put in

my sister's false teeth."

Remember, the world as we know it!

Hey, it's just a package. Don't drop dead over it.

[ cries out ]

[ screams ] He's dead!

No, he's not. Here at "ALF Tales,"

we're proud of our long record of non violent entertainment.

- [ knife pops ] - See? It's a trick knife.

Hey, it's a trick cartoon knife.

Okay, Rick, you can get up now.

H-h-hi, everybody.

How'd I do, Gordon?

Great, Rick. You're one heck of a corpse.

And now back to "Little Red Riding Hood."

Ahhh! He's dead!

Well, gotta run. Got tickets for the play-offs.

Red, I am sick and tired of your screwing up.

Get this package to Grandma or you're through.

I'll make it easy on you. I'm through.

You could always go back to your old job.

What, and trade in this nifty red Windbreaker

for the drab green smock of a brain surgeon?

No way.

One more thing.

Beware of the... w-aaah.

Beware the "waah"?

Did he say beware of the "waah"?

No problem. I'll watch out for the waah.

Vroom. Vroom!

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood.

And then you take the liver--

New from MelMo, the Cat-O-Matic--

...a beautiful day in this neighborhood.

When this idiot tells me where Grandma is,

I'll steal her invention

and the world will be mine!

By the way, my dear,

did I tell you how lovely you look in mink?

Oh, you are a mink.

[ siren blares ]

[ cries out ]

Whoa! Ooh!

[ Southern accent ] Where's the fire?

Uh, Grandma's house-- Geritol Village,

condo 109, unit 3A, apartment 206.

I probably shouldn't have told him that, but, hey,

if I kept it a secret, there'd be no Act II.

That'll be 85 bucks.

How about a sizeable bribe?

That's the idea.

I'll also be needing this.

Now, relax.

Stop and smell the roses.

[ tires screech ]

Ha! Some speed trap. Fooled him!

Grandma: A little twist here, a little twist there,

Whiskers, we're ready to test

my greatest invention ever--

a miniaturization machine!

Yeah, right. Like an old lady

could really invent a miniaturization machine.

Who are you calling old, fleabag?

[ chuckles ]

Uh, I take that back. You're not getting older;

you're getting better.

Now make me big again.

No can do, not until the messenger gets here

- with the enlargement part. - [ doorbell dings ]

Wolf: ♪ Little Red Riding Hood.

How can I be sure? Let's see some ID.

Okay, Granny, hand over the machine.

Not by the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.

Sorry. Wrong story.

Hyah!

[ martial arts yells ]

Uh-oh.

I hope he doesn't have morning mouth.

Oh, you're back.

Let me show you what I've been up to

during intermission.

Following that nice officer's instructions,

I stopped to smell the roses...

until I discovered I was allergic to roses.

Then I stopped to smell the hoses.

Finally, I stopped to smell the toeses.

But she was allergic to me.

- [ beeps ] - That's my beeper.

The office must be looking for me.

- Hi, what's up? - Red, where are you?

[ pants ]

Um, I'm at the corner of Collins Avenue and 20th

just a couple of blocks from Grandma's.

If you don't make that delivery in 10 minutes,

the boss says you're fired.

You got it!

By the way, I'm kind of thirsty.

Mind if I reach into your half of the screen

for some cream soda?

Whoa!

Oof!

Thanks, Joe. Great stunt.

[ playing classical music ]

What ho! A little culture for the kiddies.

- [ doorbell dings ] - Who is--

[ falsetto ] Who is it?

Little Red Riding Hood Express.

We have a package for you.

Come in!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

our unique interpretation of that classic scene

from this timeless tale.

[ thinking ] This is one funky- looking grandma.

But I make it a policy never to judge people by their appearances.

Now, before you can sign for this package,

I just have to ask you a few questions.

Shoot.

Ahem.

Grandma, why is this night different from all other nights?

Huh?

Sorry, sorry. Now I remember.

Grandma, what big eyes you have.

The better to see you with, my dear.

And, Grandma, what big ears you have.

The better to hear you with, my dear.

So far, so good.

And, Grandma, what big teeth you have.

The better to eat you with, my dear.

Right after I miniaturize you.

Hmm. Not quite the answer I was looking for.

Maybe this is what the guy meant

by "beware of the w-aah."

Sorry, Granny, no delivery.

Now, what's this miniaturization business?

Grandma, what really big teeth you have.

Hey, don't you know that two out of three dentists

recommend brushing and flossing after every meal?

Me and my big mouth.

I bet that wolf swallowed Granny too.

Organ, please.

Have you seen an old lady drenched in saliva

and about, oh, two inches tall?

Top floor. Optic nerve, ear canal and the brain.

Just think-- entertainment and a biology lesson.

Who says cartoons aren't educational?

Sorry. We got the hiccups.

[ Wolf's voice thinking ]

At least he's got his priorities in order.

Wait. Allow me.

Fourth floor. North stomach,

pancreas, Isles of Langerhans.

Red: North stomach, Isles of Langerhans.

Whoa! Gastric babes!

Where's my 35 SPF lotion?

Hmm. The sun must have been behind a cloud.

[ gulps ]

Cowabunga! A tidal wave!

Whoa!

Flu bug? What swine!

Where am I?

You're in the stomach.

This is where the red blood cells

pick up food for the rest of the body.

Enough with the educational spiel.

- What's on the menu? - Funny you should ask.

You don't want to eat me.

I'm the most tasteless guy I know.

You must be Grandma.

You must be Little Red Riding Hood.

[ French accent ] And you two

are the soup of the day.

Boys.

[ Red yells ]

Anyone got some antacid pills?

Hope you're serving salad.

If I'm gonna be eaten,

I'd like to at least be part of a balanced meal.

Hey, sonny, forget the cooking tips.

We got to get out of here.

It's time for the old last-request trick.

Overused, but, hey, what else do you do

when you're about to be slimed by stomach acids?

Hey, Chef, those red blood cells

looked a little anemic.

How about a few jokes to liven things up?

I suppose that could be arranged.

Pickup for Spleen.

Before we get to our main course-- me,

how about a few lunchtime laughs?

So, anybody here going to the lungs?

One thing about those lungs--

they're full of hot air.

[ grumbling ]

[ stomach grumbling ]

Hmm, my stomach's grumbling.

And how about those cells in the bladder?

Don't they have a lot of gall?

[ grumbling, muttering ]

[ booing, jeering ]

Hey, watch it!

I guess someone I ate

didn't agree with me.

That's what you get for eating ethnic.

Ouch!

Hello, Operator?

Please send a doctor to Geritol Village,

condo 109, unit 3A,

apartment 206.

[ groans ]

Food fight!

What's going on?

The Wolf's gonna belch!

Come on, Granny, let's beat it before this baby blows!

Run for your lives!

[ belches ]

Next time I will beware of the waah.

Whoa!

Oof!

Feeling better now?

[ falsetto ] A little.

Well, let's take a peek inside just to make sure.

Now stick out that tongue

and say "ah."

Ah!

Well, here's your package. Sign here.

[ grunts ]

I'll take your word for it.

Everything looks fine to me.

Say, you're kinda cute.

And I'm a lonely widower.

Are you seeing anyone?

Not at the moment.

We've got to install this part

in my miniaturization machine

or we'll be lima bean-sized forever.

Help me get this box to the workbench.

[ grunts ]

Ah, ah, ah. No getting out of bed

without Dr. Huntsman's permission.

Couldn't you have made all our lives easier

and invented a garlic press?

You know, I've always believed in large families.

How old are you, anyway?

It is a small world after all.

Move it, sonny, and watch out for that dust bunny.

You know what would help? A nice cup of tea.

Ow!

They weren't kidding when they said special effects.

Oof!

What's this?

Now you just relax, sweetheart.

[ growls, normal voice ] I'm out of here!

Although Mother always wanted me to marry a doctor.

[ Grandmother grunts ]

Fee fi fo fum,

I see Grandma and that delivery bum.

Hey, we did "Jack and the Beanstalk" last season.

I'll never squish a bug again.

I thought I told you to stay in bed.

[ falsetto ] I was just trying to kill a couple of household pests.

Just one more turn.

- [ part clicking ] - [ both grunt ]

Ooh, I like a woman with spunk.

This may seem awfully sudden, sweet cheeks,

but I'm a man who knows what he wants...

and gets it.

[ normal voice ] Look, Doc,

I got a confession to make.

I'm not an old lady.

To me, age is just a state of mind.

Wolf: I'm not even a lady!

Huntsman: Your past is of no concern to me.

Don't you get it?! I'm a wolf!

Nobody's perfect.

Go, Granny, go!

Say, you're kind of cute and I'm a lonely rodent.

- Seeing anyone? - [ exasperated yelling ]

I'm big, I'm bad, and I'm back.

Rhonda: Congratulations, Red.

You did one heck of a job today.

Well, you know the Little Red Riding Hood motto.

"A wolf a day keeps the doctor away."

Please, you've got to deliver this package immediately

or it could mean the end of the world as we know it.

End of the world, huh?

- [ punch thuds ] - Whoa-oa!

I can only save the world once an episode.

- ♪ Gordon, send us... - ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah! I kill me!