Original subtitles

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

Hi. I'm Gordon Shumway.

And we'll be right back with "Another Cornball Skit to Grow On."

I'm not sure we should

be skateboarding today, Weasel.

Why not, Moonboots?

For one thing, we've got no protective gear,

like helmets or kneepads.

Also, there is so much traffic.

Oh, don't be a total dweeb, Moonboots.

Oh, what peer pressure!

I guess I'll have to just say yes!

Cool. I know this excellent place to skate nearby.

The on-ramp of the San Burrito Freeway.

[ horn honking, tires screeching ]

[ loud crashes ]

Moonboots and Weasel learned the hard way--

at the bottom of a 12-car pileup.

If you want to see them, visiting hours are from 2:00 to 4:00.

Remember, don't skateboard in traffic

and always wear protective gear.

Or if you're a klutz, stick to Pac-Man.

This has been Gordon Shumway

with "Another Cornball Skit to Grow On."

[ loud crash ]

Speaking of cornball,

you all know the one about Goldilocks,

who just couldn't set foot into anyone's home

without totally trashing it?

Today's ALF Tale stars me

in a poignant and contemporary version

of that repetitive, overrated bedtime story--

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears."

Nice highlights, Lorenzo.

Once upon a time

in the affluent beach community of Malizoo,

there lived a happening blond dude

with dreadlocks named "Goldilocks."

Goldilocks and his buds,

Rick the Dude and Skip the Other Dude,

were excellent skateboarders.

All three: Excellent!

[ siren blaring ]

All three: Bogus.

Here are your citations.

Mayor Bear has banned skateboarding

within the Malizoo city limits.

[ all three complain ]

And here are your citations for partying.

Both: Partying?

We weren't partying.

Mayor Bear has banned partying within the city limits.

And any gathering of two or more teenagers

constitutes a party.

But we were on our way

to our lowly, insignificant jobs.

That keep us out of trouble and off the street.

A-a-and teach us the meaning of responsibility

and responsibility of meaning.

And here are your citations for loitering!

And here are your citations for littering.

That will be 10,000 smackers each

plus dinner for two at the Velcro Turtle.

I heard somewhere that these guys take bribes.

What if we tempted you with a little something?

Like what?

Like a half-a-pound of this fresh Nova Scotia smoked salmon.

They don't call me "Goldi-Lox" for nothing.

No dice, but if you hand over

all of your worldly possessions,

I suppose we could look the other way.

Hey, dudes,

aren't you forgetting something?

Authentic tears.

No easy feat, crying on cue.

In another part of Malizoo lived the Bear family.

- Mayor Bear, a mayor. - Call me Papa.

How am I doin'?

And Mrs. Bear, a film director.

Action!

Call me Mama. Cut!

And Baby Bear, a spoiled brat.

Mama, Papa,

I need a year's supply of new toys on the double!

Mama: No problem, Baby.

Papa: Anything you want.

Gordon: And let's not forget the Bear family's

beloved canine Studs.

[ growls ]

One day, the phone rang.

Enough of the long-winded narration.

Let the story unfold.

Oh, Mama.

That was my task force

on the second-homeless.

They want to send us to Deer Tick Valley

on a fact-finding mission.

But we can't leave our lavish estate

and all our special things.

Not to mention our beloved canine

Studs.

[ growling ]

We'll have to find a house sitter.

You are the most trusted house sitter in Malizoo.

We need someone who truly cares about our place.

I care, Bears.

You see, in addition to the "bear" necessities,

we have many special things in our lavish home.

Papa: Our priceless, one-of-a-kind,

irreplaceable porridge sculpture

signed by Vincent Van Porridge himself.

Mama: Papa's custom-made, therapeutic

La-Z-Boy recliner

fashioned out of genuine Naugahydes

for head-to-toe comfort.

Papa: Mama's personalized, imported,

genuine canvas director's chair.

Mama: And Baby's very own beanbag chair

molded out of genuine vinyl

for hours of playtime pleasure.

You can trust me

with these very special possessions.

Mama: And this is our beloved canine Studs.

Make sure you walk him, feed him,

burp him, and water him three times a day.

Rhonda: You can trust me with this very special family pet.

[ growls ]

And here in the bedroom, we have our Magik Fingers vibrating beds.

I made them with my "bear" hands.

You can trust me with these very special vibrating beds.

"Bear" in mind, whatever you do, don't sleep in them.

[ objects shatter ]

You'll find your bed,

a smelly, stained, rollaway mattress, in the dog house.

And now we must be off or we'll "bear-ly" make our flight.

[ chuckles ] These sick puns are more than I can bear.

- [ rings ] - Bear residence.

Yes, this is Rhonda, house sitter to the stars.

Oh, hi, Liz.

Philip and I are off on a fact-finding mission

and we wondered if you were available to house-sit the palace.

Well, I'm sort of occupied.

Di will take you shopping.

You can trust me with your very special palace.

I'll catch the next Concord.

I've got to find

someone to care for the Bears' lavish home

in my absence.

[ rings ]

House-sit for the Bears? I don't know.

You'll be my girlfriend if I do a good job?

You got it! Excellent!

I hope I don't live to regret this.

[ growls ]

♪ Give me some porridge

♪ But temper it right...

- [ Studs neeping ] - ♪ Not hot, not cold

♪ I like it just right

♪ Well, give me a chair

♪ Of moderate height

♪ Not big, not small

♪ Well, I like it just right... ♪

- [ bones crackle ] - ♪ Well, give me a bed

♪ An orthapedic'd be nice ♪

♪ Not hard, not soft

♪ I like it just right

♪ Not hard, not soft...

S-s-sounds like a hearty party.

- Excellent. - Uh-oh.

- ♪ I like it just-- - Nobody's home!

O-o-open up. It's your lowlife amigos.

Yo, dudes!

You're looking rad and bad...

and cool and hot!

What happened to the teen slang of yesteryear?

Excellent pad, dude.

C-c-cool.

- Poochie wanna play? - [ neeping ]

Catch, Moondoggie.

No, not the priceless,

irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind porridge sculpture!

Yow!

Yeowch!

Defective craftsmanship.

All three: Whoa!

Sorry, dude. You think the mayor will notice?

Not as much as the prop guys.

Here, Studs!

Good doggie!

Yo, Studs!

Come to Uncle Goldie!

Hey, watch the hair.

This do wasn't cheap.

Yeowch!

Bad dog.

Whoa!

Yeah!

Whoa!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I don't know. What are you thinking?

About opening a raging waterslide and skate park in the backyard.

Sorry, I was thinking about curing this acne.

Goldilocks! Goldilocks!

Goldilocks, wake up.

We had a simultaneous brainstorm.

I know, I know. I read the script--

turn this place into a happening amusement park,

charge admission,

and with the megabucks we earn,

we could buy top-of-the-line skateboards.

Now all we need is a paying public.

[ crowd chattering, music playing ]

Goldilocks: Check out that Studs.

He has a promising future as a party mammal.

Hey, that's Baby Bear's imported beanbag chair!

This is not a good omen.

[ thudding, glass shattering ]

Rhonda's gonna kill me.

Hey, everybody, wet bikini contest in the pool!

Better check the bedrooms.

[ laughing ]

Surf's up!

Phew.

I need a little hiatus.

Magik Fingers, do your thing.

[ machinery whirrs ]

Party down!

Skating! Waterslides!

Teen fun.

Just when life was innocent and carefree.

Let's see your party permit.

Um, yeah.

Goldilocks has it.

He'd better.

Hmm. These kids must be rich.

I smell a nice, fat bribe.

[ phone rings ]

Whoa, w-what is it?

Rhonda?!

Uh, yeah. Everything's excellent.

Uh, the priceless, irreplaceable,

one-of-a-kind porridge sculpture?

Oh, it's safe and sound. Chill out, babe.

Everything's cool. I'll catch you later.

Now, where is that party mammal?

[ cheering, clamoring ]

I want that porridge sculpture now.

Have it back on the mantel in two minutes

or I'll electrify your favorite hydrant.

[ neeps ]

Sergeant Sloop. I didn't know you were here.

Section 12-5, Paragraph 2.

It is against the law not to know,

not to mention partying and skateboarding

and littering and loitering.

We're dead meat if you don't bribe Sloop to tear up those tickets.

[ girls giggling ]

Now, about that bribe-- ahem, little gift.

[ stammers ] Well, um...

Don't give him our half of the money

or we'll never get our skateboards.

Okay, I'll stash the bucks in the fridge.

Gee, uh, we don't seem to have any money,

but you can have anything else you want.

- Anything? - Anything.

[ air brakes hiss ]

Sloop: What the heck is that?

You call that art?

You can call it art. You can call it Fred.

You can call it whatever you want.

Okay, I'll take it.

Help, we've been robbed!

- Call the cops! - Yeah, do that.

When you got some more little "gifts" for me.

[ cackles ]

[ rings ]

Hello? Rhonda?!

What? You're coming back early?!

Eech.

Wait, I'll give you money!

Stock options! Junk bonds!

Anything!

So the Bears' house is a disaster zone.

The furniture's on its way to the flea market

and Rhonda's on her way back as I speak!

Furniture?! You got paid off in furniture?!

It's not lawn furniture like the last time, boss.

This is quality stuff.

You're gonna love the Plexiglas coffee table.

What do I know from Plexiglas?!

I want cold, hard cash!

[ tires screech ]

Hold everything. I want that furniture back!

Eh, what furniture, son?

I'll pay.

I hate those "Hairy" Krishnas.

P.A: Flight 505 from Deer Tick Valley

is arriving at gate 11 in 10 minutes.

Or is it gate 10 in 11 minutes?

Hey, don't ask me. I'm no rocket scientist, okay?

Uh-oh! That's the Bears' flight!

It's arriving a day early!

I've got to make sure their house is okay.

I know their house is okay,

but there's nothing in it!

How can this all be Goldilocks' fault?

You dudes didn't have anything to do with it?

Uh, yes. I mean, no.

He means yes.

- [ neeps ] - Studs is right.

Rhonda, I can explain everything

as soon as I spend all our hard-earned money buying the Bears' furniture back.

Help me, Rick!

Help me, Skip!

Help me, Studs!

Help me, Rhonda!

[ chuckles ] Forget it, turkey.

The Bears will be here any moment now

and who is gonna help me?!

Does this mean she won't be my girlfriend?

Oh, Mama, it feels so good to be home.

It sure does, Papa.

I can't wait to see

our special things in our lavish home.

One slightly used, genuine vinyl beanbag chair.

10 smackers!

10?! I could buy a new one

down at the PayMart for $7.95.

They're closed. Take it or leave it!

Oh, all right.

Mom, if you're watching this,

please cash in that bond that Grandma gave me

and send it ASAP.

What about this thing?

- Junk. Toss it! - Wait!

Oh, no! [ gasps ]

[ sighs ] Phew. Home run.

Oh, Papa, there it is!

Our lavish home

with all our very special possessions.

Darling, I have a strange feeling.

Have an antacid tablet, dear.

Not that.

I have a feeling that someone

has been doing something

in our house.

You mean...?

You hit the nail on the head.

[ gasps ]

♪ Someone's been eating our porridge sculpture ♪

♪ Kumbaya

♪ And someone's been sitting in our chairs ♪

♪ Kumbaya

♪ And someone's been doing who-knows-what ♪

♪ With my beanbag chair

♪ Kumbaya

♪ Our house is trashed ♪

♪ Kumbaya.

Where is that house sitter to the stars?

- Wait, Papa. - What is it, Mama?

I feel another verse coming on.

♪ Someone's been sleeping in our Magik Fingers beds ♪

♪ Kumbaya

♪ And someone's been flirting with our dog ♪

♪ Kumbaya

♪ And someone's left 50,000 bucks in our refrigerator ♪

♪ Kumbaya

♪ Our house is trashed

♪ Kumbaya.

$50,000.

Maybe we can learn to live with a little imperfection in our sculpture.

Mayor Bear, Honorable Dude, what's happening?

Have you seen any cash lying around?

Nothing except this $50,000.

Wait a minute!

Are you that irresponsible, borderline delinquent Goldilocks?

You must be thinking of Goldilocks Haim.

I'm Goldilocks Feldman.

Everyone always mixes us up.

Well, tell us, Mr. Feldman,

what are you doing in our lavish home

amidst our special things?

Bribing your police force to stay out of jail.

If you're fond of your furniture, I'll need that wad of cash.

I'm fond of the furniture. Give him the wad, dear.

[ plane flies overhead ]

Wait a minute!

I heard somewhere you guys took bribes!

And now I see proof!

Lock up these crooked officers of the law!

[ both groan ]

Now only one question remains:

what to do with the money?

Baby: Papa, I want a skateboarding park!

You know, we could use the money

to start a skateboarding park.

Excellent!

Or we could quit our jobs

and become a new beach community

folk-singing sensation-- The Mama and the Papa!

♪ Dreaming of our beds

♪ Dreaming of our chairs

♪ Dreaming of hot cereal

♪ We're the famous Bears.

- ♪ Gordon, send us... - ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah! I kill me!