Original subtitles

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

Hi. Like my costume?

Okay, skip it.

Anyway, it's a trick question.

This isn't my costume. It's my underwear.

Ha! Wait a second.

This is more like it.

As a matter of fact, today's show

is sort of about costumes.

Presenting "The Emperor's New Clothes."

Love that alar.

And what have we today, Lord Bloomingdale?

Leisure wear, Your Excellency.

Good. I'm down to my last 10,000 ensembles.

- Proceed. - Music.

[ playing ]

Excellency, here's Doug,

and he's ready for a day at the jousting tournament

in this single-vented, all-chain mail creation

- from Sir William McClaire. - [ glass shatters ]

Meanwhile, Evan can't wait for that next court picnic

to show off his crisp, but casual sunsuit

in double-thick sackcloth with a real heavy metal trim.

[ rumbling ]

It's cute, but it's not me.

Lord Bloomingdale, the Designers Label Day parade

is coming up and I want something new.

Something fresh and exciting and daring and fun.

Yes, Your Excellency.

- [ fabric ripping ] - [ screaming ]

And sprightly and wild and zany and...

I wish he'd just shop by catalogue.

...and I'm not paying retail.

Hear ye, hear ye, old-fashioned designers,

the emperor needs a new look for the parade.

He wants something fresh and daring

and fun and-- you know, the usual.

[ scattered cheers ]

Here. Is this fresh and fun or what?

You want daring? I'll show you daring.

Trés chic.

I could get you this wholesale.

Gordon: Um, excuse me.

Could somebody tell me the way to the emperor's palace?

[ angry murmuring ]

And why do you wish to know, young stranger?

My name is Benetton Esprit. I'm a designer.

A fashion designer?!

[ all laugh ]

If they think that's funny,

wait till they hear I'm also an accountant.

Hey, you look familiar.

Yves Saint Bernard!

Ralph Polo!

Norma Tamali!

The greatest designers in the known universe.

Yes, we are,

except for my archrival Norma Tamali, of course.

Well, Polo, you creepy little rat, why, I oughta...

Benetton Esprit?

I like your style.

Do you know who I am?

You're Coco Klein.

I'll give you a little hint.

I am Coco Klein.

Props, get this woman a hearing aid.

I'm a big fan of yours, Madam Klein.

So am I.

Come, you will be my assistant.

Oh, it is true that the pay will not be very much.

That's okay. As long as the hours are long and grueling.

Ciao,everybody. See you at the Label Day parade.

Don't you just hate bright, fresh, young talent?

We may have to do something about that young man.

Ralph, Norma, stop bickering and leave the poor boy alone.

After all, the knight is young.

[ cackles ]

These are removable pads. See?

Perfect for the woman with removable shoulders.

Klein: Hmm.

And what is this abomination?

Well, it's called a Hawaiian shirt.

It's perfect when you're in a lazy luau kind of mood.

Benetton, let me show you what fashion should be.

Christie!

Put on the chunklike tunic, dear.

Christie, darling, this is Benetton Esprit.

Benetton, this is my very rich and very thin model--

Christie Dinkley.

Please, study this while I make a phone call.

- All right? - I could study her forever.

Not the model, the outfit!

Hello?! Nancy!

When am I getting those dresses back?!

So, you're new here.

Maybe I can show you the sights.

Which sights did you have in mind?

Oh, the moon and the stars.

I've heard about the moon. Can we go now?

Don't you think we should wait till tonight?

But then we won't be able to see anything.

But, Madam Klein, he's a genius.

His designs are too practical, dear.

But the emperor wants something new.

[ shrieks ]

Hmm.

Well, I suppose he might like

one of Benetton's baseball caps.

Come, Benetton.

We're going to the palace.

Excellency...

Madam Coco Klein

and "Badminton Ess-spritt."

Well, Coco and Badminton,

what have you for me today?

Uh, Your Excellency...

these are linen slacks with pleated vents

and vented pleats.

Upland dress shirt

with French cuffs, Italian pockets,

- and Spanish fly. - [ all gasp ]

Coco, a technical question, if I may.

Please, Excellency.

Is this a joke?!

Now take this concoction of monstrosities

and split the royal scene!

Coco: Christie, Benetton will be leaving us.

Give him his pink slip.

And also his yellow dress

and his light green blouse.

But Ben's work is so elegant.

As we say in France, Christie,

"Elegant, schmelegant."

The emperor wants something

vogue and vague and terminally hip.

Now, au revoir.

And a word of advice: find a different line of work.

But fashion design is my life.

Then you're dead.

- Shut up, you. - Good-bye, Benetton.

And watch out for those other designers.

They're cutthroats.

I'll heed your advice.

But where will you go?

Somewhere-- somewhere there's a place for me.

A place where a man can design an all-cotton dress shirt.

With a roll collar? And button cuffs?

I don't know. But remember,

whenever you look at the moon, make sure it's night.

Huh?

[ shrieks ]

[ playing medieval tune ]

This looks like it was made from an old army tent.

I have 35 of these upstairs. Next!

Your Excellency,

meet Christian.

His three-piece matching ensemble

combines the high-energy flash

of today's go-for-it party animal

- plus the-- - Benetton: Stop the music!

- [ loud crash ] - What is the meaning of this?!

This? It's a pronoun, I think.

I thought it was a preposition.

It can also be an adjective.

"Put this orange on the table."

What orange?

Puh. Never mind.

- You, what is your name? - Guess Who.

- I give up. - No, Guess Who.

I said I give up!

No, I Give Up is my agent's name.

Are you with Philip Morris?

Me too!

My lords and ladies,

juggling!

Your Excellency, I think what this man means

is his name is... Guess Who.

I can't.

You can't what, sire?

I can't guess who.

All of you, you're under arrest!

Especially you!

My apologies, Excellency.

My first name is Guess. My last name is Who.

Oh, I see.

Guards, throw this man out!

- But why? - Well, for one thing,

you're not wearing any pants.

That's why I'm here, sire.

Hold it! You barge into my court

and interrupt my private fashion show

to tell me you're not wearing any pants?!

Sire, my pants are made of a new miracle fiber

called Schmatex.

It is more beautiful than silk,

more durable than polyester,

warmer than wool, and cooler than cotton!

However, it can only be seen

by the vogue, the vague, and the terminally hip.

To everyone else, it is invisible.

Enough of this corny thought bubble. Anyone have a hairpin?

Well, I thought his pants were fabulous!

- Man: Subtle. It's subtle, sure. - [ court clamoring ]

Did you hear? "Noblewomen's Wear Daily"

says, "Guess Who's new Schmatex is hot, hot, hot!"

And "Vanity Friar" says, "Guess Who's new Schmatex is cool, cool, cool!"

We're ruined, ruined, ruined!

We must forget our petty disputes and band together.

When we're done with him, Guess Who will be history!

What ho? An ominous musical sting!

- Come in. - Hello, I'm Ralph Polo.

And this is Schmatex.

Interesting. Where do you have this made?

At the Hayley Fabric Mills.

Mm, yes. I wondered

what happened to the Hayley Mills.

I'll take 2,000 yards.

Sorry, Ralph, but I don't sell wholesale to the trade.

Only to fine stores everywhere.

This isn't easy, but it sure beats working.

- Vogue. - Vague.

Terminally hip!

- What's that smell? - What smell?

So this is the fabulous Schmatex.

Much too downtown for us. Come, Christie.

I suspected that Christie was an uptown girl.

If Christie recognized me, she'd come back.

But if she didn't, she wouldn't.

If she did and she didn't, then why didn't she?

Hey, Guess. Hey.

This should be good.

Please. I'm Guess Who.

And you are?

O'Armani from the Irish department store chain.

- What's that smell? - What smell?

So, what do you think of Schmatex?

It takes a vogue, vague,

and terminally hip attitude to see it.

So, of course, you had no trouble.

Right. Great. Well, thanks for the--

whatever. Stuff looks great.

You're probably--

Things are heating up a bit, huh?

This show may not have any faeries or witches,

but it has nudity, so stick around.

Whoa!

Don't worry. I saved the Schmatex.

It was indescribable, sire.

But what did it look like, Lord Bloomingdale?

Like-- like a combination

of springtime

and air.

Indeed.

Summon this Guess Who to the palace.

Mr. Who.

I would like you to create an original garment for me

for the Label Day parade

out of Schmatex.

I would be honored, sucker-- I mean, sire.

Your pay will be the usual astronomical sum.

My treasurers, the Brooks Brothers,

will visit you with the first installment in three days.

Whoa!

[ stammering ] Be sure you have something to show them!

In that case, better make it two days.

You'd think Christie would come back now

while I'm glumly sketching her face,

but no! [ sighs ]

We're the Brooks Brothers, the emperor's treasurers.

Albert, this seems a bit thin, doesn't it?

Um, well, you know, it's a work in progress.

Christie: Oh, Guess, darling.

How is my Schmatex robe coming along?

- Huh? - [ sighs ]

[ Christie giggles ]

Albert, what's good enough for the very rich and very thin Christie Dinkley

is good enough for us, wouldn't you say?

Uh, good work, Mr. Who. Here's your money.

[ grunts ]

Farewell, Guess, and don't spend it all in one place.

There must be something there.

But if it's a hoax,

the emperor will rip out his seams and stonewash his jammies

with him in 'em.

[ knocks ]

- Christie! - Benetton!

How'd you know I wasn't Guess?

I guessed. Oh, Ben,

I'm so proud of you and your Schmatex.

It's nothing.

Just as I thought.

But why are you doing this?

To show these people what phonies they are.

And to get on the 6:00 news.

The emperor is sending a limo for me.

I'm going to dress him for the parade today.

In Schmatex? But that means he'll be--

But what if he finds out?

He'll rip out your seams and stonewash your jammies.

What's worrying me more is how we're going to get away with this on a family show.

Don't worry, darling. And don't go changing.

I like you just the way you are.

Oof!

Ah, right on time.

Come in, dear boy.

Mr. Who, in four hours, the entire empire

will watch me parade down Seventh Avenue.

I want them to remember what they see for the rest of their lives.

They will, sire. I guarantee it.

Oh, goody.

But first I must ask you to take off all your clothes.

Voilà, sire.

The sheerest of boxer shorts.

Made from 100% virgin Schmatex.

How often do I have to change these?

And now, the doublet, whatever that means.

Sire, it's almost 11:00.

- And you're-- - Well, Lord Bloomingdale?

- What do you think? - Sire, it's...

fabulous.

It's a very lightweight outfit, you know.

I feel like I'm not

wearing anything at all.

What you need, Your Excellency,

is the cape.

Well, it does have a certain

je ne sais quoi.

I didn't know he was a Conehead.

[ marching band playing ]

Isn't this fun?

That's not what you told Mommy.

You said the only thing the Label Day parade is good for

is getting off work.

She's a compulsively honest child.

You see, we are poor, but honest.

Daddy, look, it's starting!

I thought you said you could get rid of him.

A slam dunk.

Noblemen and noblewomen,

peasants and peons,

dudes and dudettes,

welcome to this year's Label Day parade!

And now it's my great pride and privilege

to present the most exalted ruler of this nation

and its subject colonies...

prince of the city, lord of the manor,

king of the wild frontier,

and chicken of the sea...

a man who needs no introduction,

the emperor!

I told you those designers were cutthroat.

Gee, they've made me feel right at home.

Yeah, if your home was Waterloo.

You've got to stop this.

He'll throw you in jail.

That's okay. I could use some good stock tips.

[ collective gasp ]

- [ music stops ] - [ crowd chuckling ]

You know, I'd never seen Schmatex in daylight.

It's startling.

Yes. In the sun,

it's as though you can see right through it.

Look, Daddy! The emperor's naked!

Hey, Your Excellency,

did you, like, forget something?

- Now, stop it. That's not nice. - [ crowd laughing ]

Here, sire.

One day you will laugh at this too.

Oh, I intend to laugh at this in about five minutes.

As soon as I've locked someone in the dungeon!

Who exactly do you mean, sire?

Guess! I seem to be stark raving naked, Mr. Who.

You lied to me! You tricked me!

Oh, no, Excellency, someone did lie to you,

but it wasn't me.

Stop that. No pictures!

Mr. Who, if you didn't lie to me, then who did?!

Here comes the moral.

Everyone you trusted lied to you.

They did and he did.

And, of course, they did.

- Well, I never. - How dare you?

- Your designs are a fraud. - Sire, this man is a fraud.

That's not what you said last week.

Here, sire, put these on.

Hey, these feel pretty good.

Who makes 'em?

A talented young man named Benetton Esprit.

Benetton Esprit.

That sounds familiar. Where can I find him?

- Right here. - You know,

not one of your designs

is as comfortable as this.

Comfort isn't everything, sire.

You need us to tell you what's good.

Not anymore, I don't. Watch this!

Ladies and gentlemen,

in honor of this year's Label Day parade,

I am donating my entire wardrobe

to you, my subjects.

Go to the palace and take whatever you want!

I'm serious!

Do you want them or don't you?

[ cheering, clamoring ]

But they're commoners.

They're peasants.

Since you object,

I'm sending all of you

to open a discount fashion outlet

in one of our Antarctic colonies!

And you!

Hope it's a happy ending.

Would you be interested in the position

of official designer to the emperor?

That pig is taking my leather riding suit!

Sire, is something wrong?

No, no.

It's just that I've always wanted

to walk through the town square without pants.

And this is the only chance I'll ever get.

Care to join me?

- ♪ Gordon, send us... - ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah! I kill me!