Original subtitles

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

Hi. Gordon here.

You know, on "ALF Tales," I've had some great parts--

princes, kings, adventurers, explorers.

Okay, so some parts weren't that great.

- [ loud crash ] - But this is the first story

that really and truly happened to me.

Honest. Would I lie?

[ horn honks ]

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Melmacian goes over the rainbow and back!

What about the rumor that the Wicked Witch had a nosejob?

Is it true that the Wizard of Oz's

favorite food is frozen Snickers?

Yo, guys, easy on the flash.

I'm beginning to see auras.

Mr. Shumway, please tell us--

[ mimics reporter ] How did it all happen?

I thought you'd never ask.

It all started back on the farm in East Velcro.

A little harp music for the flashback, guys.

[ harp trilling ]

Those were the days before color TV.

I was selling encyclopedias.

It was the year of the dust bowl.

It was also the year of the Great Depression.

Well, not great. Maybe just adequate.

[ knocks ]

Encyclopedias were my life and I knew all the tricks.

Whoa! [ grunts ]

But I wanted more from life than sore feet...

like my own TV show.

I wanted adventure. I wanted exotic.

I wanted those hula girls.

[ sighs ] I couldn't even score in my dreams.

In those days, I lived on a farm with Ma and Pa,

my brother Curtis, and Skip and Rick,

who worked the farm with us.

- [ all panting ] - [ clucking, squawking ]

But I'd had enough of the farm.

Of course, I'd miss my animal friends.

And it was hard to leave my true love Rhonda Jean.

I almost forgot our neighborly next-door neighbor.

It was my last night at home.

Boy, did Ginger look cute.

[ shrieks, static ]

This is Bryant Gum-ball

sitting in for my best friend Willard Scotty.

We have a late-breaking tornado alert

for the Greater Velcro metropolitan area.

- [ all laugh ] - Gordon's voice: We thought it was only a joke.

[ wind howling ]

[ neighbor cackling ]

[ groans ]

[ yells ]

Gordon's voice: Hold it. Hold everything!

- [ brakes screech ] - This is just a joke, right?

I'm not really gonna crash-land, right?

I still haven't recovered from that crash landing

in "Hansel and Gretel."

[ resumes yelling ]

[ grunts ]

And people say I'm off my rocker.

Hah!

[ object whizzing ]

Didn't we just do this bit?

Ow, ow, ow!

Next time, I'm going to fly business class.

Man: Hey, this is a heavy scene.

You just squashed one of our resident wicked witches, man.

Sorry about that.

You see, I was trying to find Culligan's Island.

I guess I missed, huh?

Well, I bet my luggage is there.

Say, who are you?

I'm yours. You are mine.

You are what you are.

Why do I feel like I'm in a time warp?

Because, man, this is the land of Oz.

Oz? Does this mean

I have to sing a bunch of corny songs?

No, but this is the Mellow Brick Road.

Good place to crash.

"Mia casa ey tu casa"

and all that jazz.

[ woman cackling ]

What was that?

You guys been eating too many burritos or something?

Oh, no.

You say hello

and I'll say goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Ahh. So, my little Milk Dud, I have found you at last.

Not only do you total my dear sister,

but you steal her sneakers. Hand them over.

Why do I get the feeling I'm not in East Velcro anymore?

You look familiar. Didn't I sell you an encyclopedia?

Flattery will get you nowhere.

Maybe I've seen your picture at the post office.

No. That's the president.

Now quit stalling. Hand over those sneakers right now

or I'll turn you into a chicken nugget.

[ clucks ]

What did you say your name was?

Witch. Wicked Witch to you, my little Jujube.

Now let's have those ruby hi-tops

or I'll turn your little munchie friends into trees!

He's partial to sandalwood if you can arrange it.

Now where are those alleged sneakers?

On your toes, genius.

Hey, that's an unusual plot twist.

I'm sure I was barefoot when I came out of the shower.

Okey-doke. Enough small talk.

Abracadabra.

Hay fever sneeze.

Turn these weird midgets

into trees!

- [ buzzing ] - Oh, drat.

Not again.

I ask for trees and get bees.

And last week, I tried to turn a prince

- into a stone and he became a phone. - [ yells ]

I hope he has call-waiting.

It's those shoes.

Without them, my spells never work.

And my triathlons aren't the same either.

There goes the ozone layer.

Now get naked from the ankles down

or I blast you to cartoon heaven.

They won't come off!

[ grunts ]

Shoehorns. Never leave home without one.

[ sneezing ]

Ooh, now you've done it.

You give me back those hi-tops,

my little wonton.

Or I'll make sure you get blisters

and bunions and corns.

Blisters and bunions and corns! Oh my!

Wait a minute. We can't end the act without an evil cackle.

[ Witch cackles ]

[ Gordon grunting ]

[ loud zapping ]

I thought this was the season of the witch?

[ loud thuds ]

Maybe you should consider switching to Top-Siders.

[ motorcycle engine revs ]

I'll get those hi-tops back

if I have to turn you into a cough drop.

[ engine roars ]

Whoa! [ grunts ]

As long as she doesn't call me her little wonton again.

So give me a hint. I gotta get out of this place

if it's the last thing I ever do.

Did he say "pastrami on rye with mustard"

or "go see the wonderful Wizard of Oz"?

The Wizard it is.

But how do we find him?

Man, do you think we'd be so short if we knew?

Man, don't be swattin' that bee.

He ain't heavy, but he's my brother.

Why do I have the feeling that this story

could become very short and very ugly?

Now, now, my little munchies,

that is no way to treat a visitor to Oz.

Wow. This must be Culligan's Island after all.

I could flip for a dame with a sweet snout like yours.

[ giggles ] Oh dear.

- [ grunting ] - I'm not that kind of girl.

Unfortunately.

Oh. Well, what kind of girl are you?

The Good Witch kind.

But I think I can help you find the man

who will answer all your questions.

You mean The Great Carnac?

No, the Wizard!

You just follow the Mellow Brick Road,

make a right at the Enchanted Forest,

hang a Louie at the Poppy-Tart Field,

and truck right up to Cubic Zirconia City.

Maybe you could lead me there yourself.

[ giggles ]

Sorry. I've got more good deeds to do.

But you can't miss it.

Just remember...

follow the Mellow Brick Road.

Follow the Mellow Brick Road.

Confusing directions.

If I only had a little dog to show me the way.

[ trills ] Now run ♪ along.

And whatever you do, don't take off those ruby hi-tops.

They're extraordinarily,

astonishingly, bewilderingly powerful.

And they weren't cheap.

I thought there was supposed to be

more of a love interest in this story.

I didn't even get the address of her castle.

Dateless and desperate again.

Oh well. I guess I'm off to see the Wizard.

[ Witch cackling ]

So my little turnip thinks

he'll just waltz to the Wizard for help,

does he?

Open sesame

with noodles lo mein.

Make Gordy fall

and writhe with pain.

I said pain, not rain!

Oh, if only I had

those ruby hi-tops.

Funny. Bryant Gum-ball didn't say anything

about a torrential downpour.

[ grunts ]

Wow.

Panorama-vision!

She wasn't kidding about the tennies.

We're the new folk singing sensation--

- Tin... - Straw...

And F-f-fur.

But we can't seem to get a gig.

I can see why.

Well, according to the short guys down the road,

there's this Oz guy and--

You're going to see the Wizard?

Yeah, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Okay, I said it. I didn't want to,

but it just slipped out.

C-c-could we come along?

I don't see why not. Let me just take a look here in the script.

Here it is.

"Gordy, Tin, Straw, and Fur

go off to see the Wizard together,

but then suddenly"--

S-s-suddenly what?

Oh, I'm so afraid.

Well, it says here that "the sky abruptly blackens

as hundreds of biker cats descend...

swooping down with their claws."

[ all three yell ]

[ grunts ]

Oh, great. Without the script,

we'll have to improvise the rest of the story.

This could be an animation first.

Help!

Or words to that effect.

Excuse me.

Are you serving dinner on this flight?

I could go for a tabby puff pie about now.

Hey, this is great.

And I thought those ruby hi-tops

were just a cliché plot device.

Get ready for extremely low visibility, furbrain.

[ yells ]

Geronimo!

Look, a falling star.

He's not that big.

He hasn't even been in a movie.

Oh my.

[ spits ] This is the last straw.

Tin: Why are you always falling to pieces?

I thought we worked on that in therapy.

Where the hay are we?

[ stammering ] Helplessly hoping

and hopelessly lost.

Phew.

Oh, we'll never see the Wizard now.

What will we do?

Don't worry. There'll be a new credit card

waiting for you at your hotel.

Why am I the one who always has to get us out of these jams?

Why can't I be rescued for a change?

I ask you, why is it always me?

Good. Go with that feeling. Get your anger out.

You have to do something.

You're the one with the ruby hi-tops.

Hmm. You got a point.

Okay, everyone hold on.

[ tires screeching ]

Gordon: Whoa. Psychedelic.

Cubic Zirconia City, here we come.

[ tires screech ]

[ all three yell ]

[ loud thud ]

Fur: T-t-there it is!

Tin: Cubic Zirconia City!

Gee, I've always wanted to play the palace.

Man's voice: Yo, Theo.

Is that you?

Well, sir, Your Wizardliness,

we came to ask for some help.

Now who might that voice be connected to?

Is this about the frozen Jell-O pops?

- Or what? - All three: Help!

Listen, we've been getting the runaround for the last two and a half acts.

We're mad as heck and we're not gonna take it anymore.

Yeah, man. Put up your d-d-dukes.

Put up your duchesses--

[ gruffly ] Hey, hey, hey!

Cool it, boys.

Wow, it's you.

What happened to Oz?

It went out with the '60s.

Gordon: You've got to help us.

The Wicked Witch is after us and--

Relax. I know the whole story.

My agent read it to me over the phone. You know what I'm saying?

Then you'll help us?

Tell your peoples to call my peoples.

But if you want to speed things up,

you've got to get the Witch's Harley-Broomstick.

[ chuckles ]

C-c-couldn't we just get her DustBuster?

I said it once, guys,

and I won't say it again.

The Wizard has spoken.

How will we ever find the Wicked Witch

when we can't find ourself?

Tin: Look!

Gee, you ever have the feeling

that you're walking into a trap?

Not a bad place for the home

of a hideously deformed woman.

- Yikes! - [ all clamor ]

Well, my little snow cones,

I think it's time

we made a little stew, don't you?

Gee, don't you think stew is a little heavy for this time of year?

I've had quite enough out of you,

my little tortilla chip.

And I'm running out of food names to call you.

Come, I have something to show you.

Gordy?

Gordy, where are you?

We miss you so much.

I'll never see

my little Gordy again. [ wails ]

That's it, Witch. You've really got my dander up.

By the way, what exactly is a dander?

[ cackles ]

I challenge you to a game of basketball.

One-on-one. If I win, we go free

and you leave my beloved family alone.

And if you lose?

If I lose, I lose.

Holy fungus, pimples, and warts.

Turn my castle to a basketball court.

Why do I think she's got the home court advantage?

Now what shall I use for a ball?

This will do nicely.

Oh great. A basketball with feathers.

Nice spandex.

All: Ooh.

What's the matter, my little corn dog?

Distracted by my dribble?

How about a hookshot?

[ cackles ]

Does she have to cackle after every point?

- Time-out, time-out. - [ buzzer blares ]

Anyone got a bucket of Gatorade?

What have you done?!

Well, I think I've slipped a disc.

Then again, maybe I gave myself a mild concussion.

[ cats clamoring ]

I'm not sure.

[ stammering ] Oh my gosh,

she's melting.

I'm melting.

Woe is me. I'm melting away!

What a terrible, terrible world.

Ugh.

Gee, I've never seen someone turn into a puddle before.

Not a pretty sight.

You've done it. You melted the Wicked Witch!

You're now the proud owner

of the deluxe Harley-Broomstick,

- leather saddlebags. - [ loud dings ]

Wizard: Darling, would you please get the door?

Thank you very much.

That's not the doorbell. It's a music cue.

That means the Witch is dead.

Well, guys, congratulations.

And for the utterly stupendous job you've done,

you have the honor of a guest spot on my show.

What do you think of that?

But we wanted to play with Paul and the Band.

Uh, excuse me, Your Wizardliness,

O Cosmic Leader, O Mr. TV Cue.

Speak up, boy. I don't have all millennium.

Here I am at the railroad station

with a ticket for my destination.

Whoa, whoa.

Home. I'd love to be homeward bound.

Okay. Okay, son, like they say,

there's no place like home.

- Who's "they"? - The folks at the network.

Who else? They have a surprise for you.

Dear, could you pass me the newspaper?

There's no place like Culligan's Island.

- ♪ Gordon, send us... - ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah! I kill me!