Original subtitles

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

[ sheep bleating ]

[ accordion music playing ]

Your knockwurst, sir.

Yeah? What about 'em?

Oh, thank you Brunhilda.

Greetings, "ALF Tale" aficionados.

And welcome to today's ALF Tale--

"Hansel and Gretel."

Hey, is that "Hansel" as in "tonsil"?

No, it's "Hansel" as in "cancel,"

which is what's gonna happen to this show if you're not funny.

Everyone's a comic.

Check, please.

"Hansel and Gretel" is the story of a plump Bavarian,

whose immense appetite gets him in hot water.

That's why I'm stuffing my snout with sauerkraut--

to help get into character.

Who is your character? A Buick?

Ha ha. Expect no tip.

The time? Once upon a.

The place? Somewhere foreign.

Girl: Hansel, come on. We've got work to do.

Here, you carry the bowling balls.

[ grunts ]

That's my sister Gretel, bless her heart.

We're selling bowling balls door to door

to raise money for our college education.

Hansel, I think we're lost.

Where's the map?

This isn't a map of the forest.

It was the last one they had at the AAA.

Huh. Should we go this way

or that way?

Let's go that way.

- Why that way? - Well, for one thing,

- the other way is blocked by a pack of hungry wolves. - [ snarling, growling ]

[ gasps ]

Something's wrong, Hansel.

We haven't sold a single bowling ball.

Could be 'cause the game hasn't been invented yet.

At least schlepping these balls through the forest

will give you a good workout.

I protest. My contract says

nothing heavier than breadcrumbs.

[ grunts ]

- [ loud thud ] - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Maybe we should reduce our inventory.

Lions.

Tigers!

And Bears!

Oh, my!

Don't worry. Big brother will protect you.

There's nothing to be afraid of in these woods anyway.

[ yells ]

[ cries out ]

- [ loud thud ] - [ Hansel grunts ]

Hey, anybody get the license plate of that truck?

Nice going, kiddo. I think you scared that squirrel.

Wait a minute.

There's not supposed to be a porcupine in this story.

On page 146,

there's a reference to a small forest animal.

Hi, toots. Will you marry me?

Are you rich? Answer the second question first.

Sorry, she doesn't date anyone with multiple quills.

Who are you anyway?

Let's just say I'm on a mission.

Hansel and Gretel: I'm on a mission.

Wait. Could you just direct us to the nearest house?

Or taco stand.

Well, there's Grandmother's house,

but that's over the river and through the woods.

And then there's the three little pigs' place.

But we did that last season.

And there's Camp Eat-A-Kid.

Camp "Eat-A-Kid"?

I don't like the sound of that.

They have a cookie orchard there.

Point me in the right direction.

Go about two miles

and hang a U at the Enchanted Tree.

Fruit rolls! One of my favorite food groups!

Stop thinking about your stomach.

We're still lost.

But at least we've got something to eat.

[ growls ] Hey, sucka,

what are you doing with my weaves?

Whaa! [ grunts ]

You must be Mr.--

the Enchanted Tree?

We missed our charter flight.

Can you tell us how to get to Camp Eat-A-Kid?

[ growls ] This way.

[ both yell ]

- Both: Wow. - A dream come true.

I feel a sugar rush coming on.

Uh, Hansel, you don't know where that roof has been.

Jalapeños.

Mangoes.

Plump Bavarian boy.

No plump Bavarian boy?

The recipe specifically calls

for plump Bavarian boy. No substitutes.

This roof could use a little bean dip.

Yahh!

[ grunts ]

Well, what have we here?

Cable repair. We fixed your shopping channel.

A little fattening and he'll serve four.

You poor, sweet, plump Bavarian boy.

Why don't you stay a while and I'll cook you--

oy, I mean, cook for you.

Great! I'm starved.

Hansel, are you okay?

I'm fine. My cellulite broke the fall.

And I've got other plans for the little fraulein.

Welcome to Camp Eat-A-Kid

the most popular resort in the forest.

Uh, if it's so popular, how come nobody's here?

It's the off-season.

Come spring break, this joint will be jumping.

Hansel, let's get out of here.

She gives me the creeps.

Relax. She's not so bad

for a hideously deformed woman.

This will be your room,

plump Bavarian boy.

- [ lock clicks ] - You can call me Hansel.

Witch: Whoops. Wrong room.

Hansel: What, no mints on the pillow?

What kind of hotel is this?

Now, let me show you your room,

- my sweet. - [ bones crack ]

Sweet dreams. [ cackling ]

[ TV theme music playing ]

Life would be perfect

if only I could get rid of this rash.

Woman on TV: Today on "Okrah,"

plump Bavarian boys who get eaten.

- Fact or fict-- - [ clicks, TV turns off ]

[ birds chirping ]

Oh, Hansel, it's time to take your measurements

for our yearbook.

[ grunts ]

Hey, give me a hand.

Almost ready.

You look a little thin.

Are you sure you're eating enough?

It's my metabolism. I can eat all I want

and it never shows.

Oops.

I'll have to check the warranty on my liposuction.

You look fine.

Here, have another can of Krisco.

No, thanks, but that's Gretel's fav.

By the way, where is she?

Oh, she's having breakfast in bed.

- Man: Hey, where's our s-s-slop? - Man #2: Yeah.

Who said that?

♪ Hello.

♪ Hello.

♪ Hello.

Hello. We're Theodore and Simon.

I thought there were three of you guys.

A-a-all we know is we came for a vacation.

The old lady gave the kid a deluxe suite

and made us prisoners.

Gee, that happened to me and my portly brother Hansel.

A-a-and we haven't heard from Alvin since--

Rise and shine, happy campers.

We've got a feast to prepare.

[ footsteps ]

Peel these kumquats on the double

and throw them into the pot.

What are we having for dinner?

I believe the appropriate word

is "who"? [ cackles ]

"Who"? What kind of cookbook is she using?

- There it is. - What about the troll?

- Simon: He looks kind of sleepy. - [ snoring ]

Maybe a lullaby would send him to dreamland.

[ vocalizing "Rock-a-bye Baby" ]

♪ Don't worry, be sleepy. ♪

I guess he was sleepier than I thought.

On the count of three:

one, two, three!

[ chains clanking ]

Boy, he could sleep through breaking dishes,

clanking chains, and other live sound effects.

She's an evil witch.

[ Gretel reading ]

I've got to warn Hansel!

Hello, room service?

I'd like to order two large pizzas.

Extra tabby paws. Hold the swimmers and gaggers.

Sis! So you've been in the Polynesian coconut relay.

And nice outfit! I'm getting a sarong.

Hansel, we've got to get out of here.

That old lady's a witch and plans to have you for dinner.

Of course she plans to have me for dinner.

I just ordered a pizza.

No, porko, she's eating you for dinner.

Here, look at this book.

Hmm. Tasty!

That's me! She can't eat the star!

Y-y-yes she can.

Let's boogie!

But we haven't even been formally introduced.

- [ pings ] - [ Witch yells ]

What happened here?

Where are my prisoners?

Where's my cookbook?

And most importantly, why am I talking to a lizard?

To the pool!

Hansel, this is Theodore. Theodore, this is Hansel.

Weren't you president of my 7th grade home loan?

All: Whoa!

Witch: And don't think about escaping.

Troll will be watching the door.

If we can't get out the door, we'll have to tunnel our way out.

Aren't you done yet?

Hey, watch it.

Quit complaining. You got us into this mess.

I'm not complaining. I'm supervising.

We're done.

Come on down.

Banzai!

I'm stuck!

Call the network. I think there's a movie in this.

[ Hansel grunting ]

I told you not to eat everything in sight.

Hey, I'm a growing Bavarian boy.

Well?

Jersey City. No way.

[ crowd cheering ]

[ yells ]

What was wrong that time?

Cartoon cliché.

Ouch!

Is it time for a commercial yet?

Oops. Nice oven. Self-cleaning?

So glad you could make it for dinner.

[ cackling ]

I'll be back to get you in one hour.

In the meantime,

pig out!

I must say, tunneling out of prison

sure gives you an appetite.

Hold it.

She wouldn't want you if you were skinny!

What? She only wanted me for my body?

I know! You have to get rid of that flab and fast!

But I'm the perfect weight for someone

who does nothing but eat and watch TV all day.

Not another bite.

You are going on a crash diet.

[ '80s pop music plays ]

Hey!

[ panting ]

[ loud crash ]

[ grunting ]

One more, Hansel. You can do it.

[ yells ]

Gretel: And four. And five.

- And six. - Simon: Go for the burn.

I'd rather go for the doughnuts.

Hey, look! Aliens are landing.

Come on. I'm hungry.

- So's the witch. - [ grunting ]

Wow. I've slimmed down to "Pudgy."

Come on, Hansel,

you still have five pounds of ugly fat to go.

That tacky music-- I can't control myself.

9,021...

9,022...

G-g-go, Hansel!

A million and one. A million and two.

Come on, you lazybones.

Gretel: But we're chained.

No pain, no gain.

She'll be here any minute.

This sauna should melt off those last few pounds.

Gretel, call my tailor. Everything gets taken in.

Where's my main course?

[ all coughing ]

Go ahead, make my dinner.

Get him!

But I thought he had to be fat.

Hey, I gotta watch my cholesterol too.

[ grunting ]

[ creature squealing ]

I told you to wash the gym socks!

One more step and the reptile gets it.

All right, witch, into the sauna.

You're good with the Limburger, Hansel.

Hey, I'm a cheese whiz. Hah!

[ Gretel giggles ]

Wait.

I'm not leaving the forest without my bowling balls.

Hmm.

Not bad.

After them!

Come on, guys. We're not out of the woods yet.

Catchy slogan.

[ alarms blaring ]

[ cackles ]

How do you like my home security system?

You left out the pit bull.

[ groans ]

Everybody to the volleyball net.

You know I can't spike.

You know, this flying- through-the-air stuff is getting old.

And these landings are murder.

Next time, I get a stuntperson.

How'd you get here so fast?

What do you think this broomstick's for?

Light housework? I'm a witch!

There, I said it.

Thank you for sharing.

What are we going to do?

I don't know about you, but I feel like bowling.

Strike!

Nice work, boys.

These are the creeps I've been chasing.

How did you find us?

I got a tip from some forest creature named Alvin.

H-h-he escaped!

We're a trio again!

And you two will get a fine reward for this.

Our college education!

How about me?

I hope you like prison food.

But we're still lost!

- [ wails ] - No, we're not.

[ loud clank ]

[ playing rock music ]

Has-beens. There's our ticket out.

It's my trail of bowling balls.

Gretel: Back to civilization.

Bright lights, big city.

Hansel: Gridlock, acid rain, trash TV.

Oh, I love happy endings.

Hansel: When we got out of the forest,

Theodore and Simon were reunited with Alvin.

Gretel became an aerobics instructor.

And me? Well, I gained back the weight

and invented bowling.

Hey! Another hole in one!

Hah!

- ♪ Gordon, send us... - ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah! I kill me!