Original subtitles

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

Welcome to a very special edition of "Alf Tales."

Today I get to play that eternally young lad

in green pantyhose.

- Man: Dick Clark? - No, Peter Pan.

Hey, watch it!

Through the miracle of special effects,

you can't see the wires holding me up.

Show 'em, boys.

Gordon: All the good people work for George Lucas.

Can we try that again?

Now where was I?

Oh, yes. London, in the early 1900s.

The fog is as thick as pea soup.

[ tower bells ringing ]

Prepare to meet thy doom, scallywag!

When will you little terrors ever grow up?

Never!

Speak for yourself, shrimp.

I can't wait to blow this joint.

Children, while your father and I are at the opera,

I want you to obey your governess.

And this time, no flushing her down the toilet.

Don't worry, Mummy, we'll be good.

[ door closes ]

[ breathy squeal ]

Prepare to meet thy doom, scallywag!

[ distant yelling ]

[ crashing ]

Girl: Who are you, and what was wrong with the door?

I'm Peter Pan.

And this is Tinker Bell, my faithful fairy companion.

Say, you kids look like you know how to par-tay.

How about flying with me to Never Never Land

where you play all day, never have to grow up,

and there's no sales tax?

Right!

But commercial air travel won't begin for another 20 years.

No problem. We don't need a plane.

All we have to do is think wonderful thoughts.

Watch. Ice cream is not fattening.

Er, blondes have more fun.

[ gasps ]

Tony Orlando and Dawn

are getting back together...?

I'm... toilet trained!

[ giggles ]

Never Never Land, here we come!

Say, are you seeing anybody on a regular basis?

I'd sure like having a swell babe like you

around our bachelor pad.

Sounds cool, but can't we lose the flying mutt?

I'm allergic to fairy dust.

[ growls ]

Ah-choo!

Boy: Hey, we're here!

Good evening, crew, and welcome to our show.

Tonight, like every night, we bring you that pirate of puns,

the man who knows every pirate joke on the Seven Seas,

let's have a big hand for the man with one hand,

Shecky Hook!

[ applause, cheering ]

[ feedback squeals ]

Good evening, everybody.

Hey, take my first mate, please.

[ beams creak, silence ]

[ buzzes ]

[ pings ]

[ buzzes ]

[ applause, laughter ]

Hey, how many pirates does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two-- one to steal it from the hardware store,

and the other to screw it in.

[ laughter ]

And why aren't you laughing?

- [ feedback squeals ] - I heard Peter Pan

tell that joke last week.

Men, feed this scoundrel to the sharks!

But it's much funnier when you tell it!

Pan, always Pan!

That little runt who pushed me into the water

so that crocodile could munch on my hand.

So the fool thinks he knows more jokes than I do.

Well, I think it's time I put an end to this.

I want Peter Pan fried!

[ machine buzzing ]

Captain, fairy alert!

Peter Pan and his pals at 12 o'clock high!

- Battle stations! - [ alarm blares ]

Battle stations! This is not a drill!

[ alarm blares ]

[ clicks, squeaks ]

[ fizzes ]

Peter: Whoa-aa!

Peter, what's that?

It's either Captain Hook firing at us

or one nearsighted bowler.

Tink, take our new pals to the Lost Boys.

And take good care of them,

especially my main squeeze, Wendy.

[ growls ]

Why, if it isn't Captain Hook.

I heard you bombed in Vegas.

No, I bombed Vegas

when they wouldn't laugh at my jokes.

G'day, mate.

Great Caesar's Ghost. It's Crocodile Dumbdee,

the lizard who lunched on my limb.

That's me, mate.

Say, why don't you throw another hand on the barbie?

[ yelling ]

Hey, Captain, did you hear about the croc

who couldn't resist eating pirates?

I guess you could say he was "hooked."

[ laughs ]

I'll get you yet, Pan,

as soon as I find out your home address.

Look, you flying fleabag,

when Peter and I start playing house,

I'm replacing you with a Shih Tzu!

Agh-- ugh...

ah-choo!

Hey, Dean, ain't this the life?

Spending every day hanging out on the corner,

checking out the babes in Never Never Land?

[ stutters ] Y-You bet, Sammy.

Too bad there aren't any babes

in N-N-Never N-Never Land.

[ Tink whimpering ]

Whoa, giant birds! What about 'em, Tink?

Dean: Er, pan-- er, f-f-frying p-pan.

Er, pan for gold?

Sammy: Peter Pan!

Er, a-a gun!

Er, Peter Pan and a gun.

I-I got it!

Peter Pan says, "Blow the big bird out of the sky."

Ow!

[ squeals ]

[ squeals ]

Hey, that's not a bird,

it's a g-g-girl!

Wouldn't you know it? A babe finally comes to Never Land,

and we shoot her.

[ screams ]

Lucky for you I was in the neighborhood.

Peter, I owe you my life.

How can I ever pay you back?

Just stick around and let the good times roll.

As for you, my fairy-weather friend,

I order you to go into the woods

and write "I'm a rotten fairy"

100 times in the dirt.

Where are we?

I-I don't know.

D-Do you know where we are, Sammy?

No, Dean, I never know where we are. We're lost.

Th-that's why they call us...

[ together ] The Lost Boys!

Well, here's our swingin' bachelor pad.

Wendy: A tree house?

Actually, it's more of a tree-penthouse.

Now let's par-tay.

Hey, babe, we're low on dip.

Keep your tights on! I only got two hands!

Hey, it's about time.

Ugh-hh!

I don't get it, Wendaroonie.

Since your first day here, you've been one cranky camper.

You mean when I had to wash your tights, vacuum the tree house,

and make all those peanut butter sandwiches with the crust cut off?

So what's the problem?

That's what babes are supposed to do.

That does it! I'm leaving!

But, Wendy, we need you.

You don't need me, you need a maid.

If you guys really want to get "babes,"

you're gonna have to grow up

and leave Never Never Land.

G-G-Grow up?

Learn to take care of yourselves.

Make a living and treat women like equals.

That's the kind of guy girls like.

Maybe we should grow up. Then we'll be able to get babes.

Hold on. What about the good times?

Wake up and smell the cocoa, Peter.

Nobody comes to our parties except a couple of fairies

and squirrels from upstairs.

W-We're out of here.

- ♪ The party's over. - [ bubbles ]

Hmm?

Smee, bring Mr. Bell--

may I call you Tink?

[ fairy dust jingles ]

Bring Tink another round of meat.

You know, Tink, they say a fairy is a man's best friend...

until a woman comes into the picture.

Ah-hh...

choo!

[ snorts ]

I can help you, Tink.

All you have to do is tell me where Peter lives,

and I'll make that pesky Wendy watusi down the gangplank!

[ growls ]

Don't you worry.

He won't lay a hand on Peter.

We like Peter.

Don't we, Smee?

We love him to pieces.

Lots of pieces.

[ squeaks ]

Now, where's the hideout?

[ yips ]

Thank you, you pea-brained pixie.

Smee, seize him-- I mean, her!

I mean-- er... whatever it is.

Ugh.

[ Tink barks ]

Pan is mine!

W-Well, Peter, I-I guess this is good-bye.

It's been real.

But, guys, you can't grow up and leave me.

Sorry things didn't work out, Pete.

If you get your life together and you're ready to make a commitment,

call me.

Ah, excuse me, does this bus stop at London?

Man: Why, certainly, my dear.

[ chuckles ]

Hello, Dial-A-Maid?

- [ buzzing ] - Hang on, somebody's at the door.

- [ buzzing ] - Yes?

Delivery for Mr. Pan from Wendy.

Sign here.

"Dear Peter, hanging out with you was a blast."

[ package ticking ]

Hmm...

by now, your friend Peter Pan

has received my complimentary bomb.

Peter's much too clever to fall for one of your schemes.

Sh-she obviously hasn't known Peter very long.

And you kids are going to need

something to do with your lives.

Have you considered the piracy?

There's travel, good benefits,

and the company of a few good men.

No way, Hook. Becoming a pirate

would be a betrayal of everything Peter stood for.

All right.

Smee, toss them overboard!

I-I'll be a p-p-pirate!

I'll be a pirate.

I've always wanted to be a pirate.

Pirate, pirate, pirate!

Maybe you can scare them, Hook, but not me.

I'll never be a pirate.

Of course you'll never be a pirate. You're a babe.

Smee, the cleaning supplies.

Start with the heavy artillery.

And I want to see myself in those cannons.

What is it with you guys in Never Never Land?

[ yells ] Clean this floating dump yourselves!

You try to be nice to people,

and where does it get you?

Prepare to walk the gangplank!

Oh!

[ grunts ]

- Hmm, nice wrapping. - [ package ticking ]

And ticking, too.

Maybe it's a kitchen timer.

I'm gonna need one of those

now that I'm doing my own cooking.

Tink!

[ slurps ]

You're back!

- Charades? - [ sputters ]

I'm game.

Now-- taking a nap.

Come to think of it, I'm kind of tired.

[ ticking continues ]

Your kids.

I didn't know you were married.

Now, kids... oh, I've got it!

Napkins!

I'll go to the store right away.

Not it, huh?

Let's see, "kid," "nap"-- I've got it!

Wendy and the boys have been kidnapped!

[ slurps ]

But if Wendy was kidnapped,

she couldn't have had time to send me this

loudly ticking kitchen timer.

Which means that this isn't a loudly ticking kitchen timer,

but a-- oh, boy!

[ blasts, rumbles ]

Yikes!

Tink, speak to me. Tink!

Hey, anybody got a spotlight out there?

Poor Tink's got one paw in Fairy Heaven,

but you can help me save her.

All you've got to do is clap your hands

and say no to senseless violence

in fairy tales.

[ sparse clapping ]

Come on, kids. Think of what fairies have done for you,

like the Tooth Fairy-- all those quarters under your pillow?

[ applause ]

[ applause rising ]

I can't hear you.

[ applause rising ]

[ meter buzzes ]

[ fanfare plays ]

Ah-choo! He's back!

Come on, Tink. We've got a big rescue scene to do.

I'll tell you what.

I'll do the cleaning, but no ironing.

And I'm off Thursdays.

Peter: Knock, knock.

[ gasps ] Who's there?

Peter Pan. Who'd you expect, Mister Rogers?

[ gasps ]

Gee, it worked for Errol Flynn.

[ all gasp ]

Par-tay!

[ screams ]

- [ razzes ] - Hah!

Get down-- below, I mean.

This is no place for babes.

Oh, yeah?

Watch this!

Wha...? Oof!

- What a woman! - [ snarls ]

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

You can't duel what you can't see.

[ blades clang ]

[ grunts ]

[ squeals ]

- [ mast creaks ] - [ screams ]

[ boys laugh ]

[ panting ]

[ yelling ]

[ snickers ]

[ clanging ]

Catch me if you can.

[ growls ]

Oh, all right. Come and get me.

Now, let's see who can really par-tay.

[ clanging ]

You may be okay with a sword,

but let's see how you are when it comes to comedy,

barnacle breath.

Hit me with your best shot.

When is a pirate like a baseball player?

[ clanks ]

When he's a Pittsburgh Pirate.

Peter: Where does a pirate keep his gym clothes?

[ blades clanging ]

In Davy Jones' locker.

[ clanging ]

[ plank creaking ]

Why did the pirate cross the ocean?

Why... I don't know.

To get to the other tide.

- Hah! Bon voyage! - [ Hook screams ]

G'day, mate.

Welcome to the land down under.

[ Hook screams ]

We won! This calls for a par-tay!

Hey, come on.

We'll get a big keg of cat juice and...

I'll even make the dip myself, okay?

Peter, it's time we went back.

Our parents miss us, Michelle needs changing.

Besides, there are no shopping malls in Never Never Land.

If that's what you want.

What about you guys?

W-We're going back to sch-school

and have c-c-careers.

Maybe even drive the big rigs.

Looks like you and I are the last of the party animals.

Oh, no. You're selling out, too?

[ crickets chirping ]

- Wendy? - Yes, Peter?

I've been thinking about that growing-up stuff,

and maybe you're right.

- Really, Peter? - Absolutely.

I'm even thinking of going into business.

Hey, Captain, I need two crocburgers and fries,

on the double.

- Coming right up. - [ sizzling ]

Hey, people gotta eat.

- ♪ Gordon, send us... - ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah! I kill me!