Original subtitles

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

Because I'm the star, that's why.

Voice: Try it, you'll like it.

[ voices overlapping ]

Woman: It'll do a 67 share. Come on.

Hi there. Welcome to an "Alf Tales" story meeting.

Today we're discussing

why "Alice In Wonderland" is a dumb tale to do.

[ voices overlapping ]

They think you wanna watch me chase a rabbit for 23 minutes.

I give you more credit. I know you'd rather see...

...adventure, action!

Me in a really nifty costume!

[ yelling, jeering ]

It's a nice book, Gordo. Lots of pictures.

See the bunnies?

There's no story, no motivation,

and no love scenes.

Either I perform feats of derring-do

or you do "Please Stand By."

Meanwhile, I'll be in my dressing room

buckling my swash.

Rhonda: How can you be so stubborn?

You know how much I wanted to play Alice.

And you'd make a wonderful Mad Hatter.

I don't do supporting roles anymore.

- I'm a star. - Ooh! Gordon!

Can't you give in this once?

You want me to look like a wimp?

I just hope that someday

you find yourself somewhere where you don't get

the star treatment you're used to.

[ stutters ] She-she-she's really mad, Gordon.

She'll get over it when she sees that I remembered her birthday

with this great gift.

[ loud bang ]

No more "Mr. Nice Network Guy," Shumway.

It's either "Alice" or... "Rick Tales."

Now, start learning your lines!

[ door shuts ]

[ stutters ] I-I think you oughta stick to your guns

in this "Alice" controversy.

And I think I'd better read this book.

"Chapter One. Alice was beginning to get very tired."

See? She even bores herself.

[ Gordon snoring ]

- [ clinks ] - Huh?

Help! Security!

I've just been robbed by a pit bunny.

[ bell pings ]

- [ thumps ] - [ elevator bell pings ]

[ pings ]

Yikes!

Ooh!

- [ growls ] - Yikes!

Phew.

[ woman screams ]

[ screaming stops ]

Hmm, a cat door.

At least they won't go hungry down there.

- Huh? - [ cuckoo chirps ]

Hey! Come back with that, you felonious furball!

[ grunts ]

[ groans ]

[ clatters ]

"New Classic Diet Drink Me."

- [ clicks ] - [ gulping ]

[ belches ]

Aw, it's just soda pop.

Hey!

I'm nothing without my sword.

[ creaks ]

Oh, sure-- I have to turn into a munchkin to find an open door.

Now how do I turn back?

"Tabby-Flavored Eat-Mes, Now With Fiber."

I've landed in Forest Lawn.

[ chirps ]

"Wonderland"? Hah!

They ought to call it "Unsanitaryland."

[ voices overlapping ]

Man: Think they can just cross over and insult...

Man #2: I don't want to know anything about it...

Oh! Welcome to Wonderland!

Now go home.

Oh, great. Crotchety chrysanthemums.

Serves you right, buddy.

You trampled my cousin over there.

Wah-choo!

I've gotta get more sleep.

[ snickers ] And what kind of outfit is that?

You look like one of the Smith Brothers.

I'm a musketeer.

Yeah? Which one, Annette?

Look, I was robbed by a big white pit bunny.

He took a very expensive, custom-made slugskin purse.

- Ah, a purse, huh? - Ooh!

I'm explaining myself to shrubbery.

For my girlfriend's birthday.

That rabbit--

[ razzes ]

That's him, the purse-snatching pit bunny!

[ sputtering ]

- Ah-- ah... - [ flowers laughing ]

- [ trumpet fanfare plays ] - What's that?

All: The Queen! The Queen!

The Queen? Great! She'll help me get out of this place.

No! That's Rhonda's gift!

[ rustling ]

Excuse me, but there's been a mistake.

Who are you, young man?

Gordon Shumway-- TV star, bon vivant, raconteur.

Around here, young man,

you're nothing but dead meat.

Off with his snout!

Off with his snout!

Yikes! Don't I even get novocaine?

Wait! I'm a visitor here.

I'll report this to the Department of Tourism.

[ gasping ]

What's going on here?

I said off with his snout!

Begging your pardon, Your Majesty,

but he's a visitor and was gonna report us

to the Department of Tourism.

You idiot! They're closed today.

I want his snout!

[ yells ]

Oh!

[ yelling ]

[ pings ]

[ babbling ]

[ razzes ]

This isn't a place, it's a living salad bar.

[ birds chirping ]

[ rumbling ]

Whoa-aa!

Ooh--!

And I thought New Yorkers were rude.

Yo, up here. Got any floss?

Oh, boy! Dinner!

Stop drooling. I'm not your dinner,

I'm the Wooster-Chester Cat,

your guide along the highways and byways of Wonderland.

Then guide me out of here.

There's an ugly queen and a pack of cards after me.

Yeah, I know, but what about Rhonda's gift?

How do you know about that?

I saw the first act. Look, you don't wanna mess with the Evil Queen,

so your best bet is to get out of here and buy Rhonda a new purse.

I can't. It's a one-of-a-kind slugskin clutch.

Besides, that rabbit stole it, and I want it back.

You're just another victim of Blanche du Lapine,

the White Rabbit. Purse-snatcher extraordinaire.

If she's so good,

maybe I can talk her into stealing it back for me.

Where'd they go?

That-a-way.

But I really don't advise following them.

No problem.

Er, or was it this-a-way?

[ razzes ]

- Just when I was starting to trust houseplants again. - [ razzes ]

[ trumpet fanfare playing ]

I have to get the Rabbit's attention.

I'll do it. Hey, Blanche!

It's him! Get him!

Don't let him get away this time!

Idiots! I want a new deck!

[ jazzy saxophone music playing ]

[ bubbling ]

[ bubbling ]

[ music resumes ]

[ music stops ]

Thanks for the lift. Now where am I,

and how do I get out?

You are in danger.

But these will save you.

[ pops ]

Not those "Tabby-Flavored Eat-Mes" again?

Oh, yuck! No, these are Worm Scout Cookies.

They ward off evil spirits and ugly queens.

And the money goes for a good cause.

Look, what I need to do is get Rhonda's purse away from the Queen

before she cuts off my snout.

Ah, that will take three boxes.

[ pops ]

What you must do is get the Rabbit to admit she stole the purse.

She's the only one the Queen listens to.

How will I find her?

Your carriage awaits.

[ bubbles ]

Remember, feed your cheese.

Hey, these cookies aren't bad.

Whoa!

[ splashes ]

[ splashes ]

This isn't a dream, it's the main event.

Watch your mouth, pal.

I'm Tweedle Dum. And this is Tweedle Blonde.

We're the Tweedle Sisters.

We don't only sing, but we dance just as good as we walk.

Aw, stop auditioning.

This guy's not a talent scout.

[ splashes ]

But I am a major television star.

Maybe we can help each other.

What's in it for us?

Tell me where I can find the White Rabbit

and you can be on my show.

Nah, not good enough.

Get us dates with Hulk Hogan.

Or Barry Manilow.

Just because we're sisters

doesn't mean we have the same taste.

Or any at all.

Okay. Last time I saw Blanche,

she was going to the Mad Catter's Split-Pea Party.

He never invites us.

Girls, girls!

My snout's hanging in the balance.

Where's this Mad Catter?

Over the river and through the woods.

No, that's Grandma.

Er, over that way.

There's just enough time for another round

of mud wrestling before dark.

[ splashing ]

A guy could make a fortune with a map concession in this place.

We tried that. He got lost. Like you.

Listen, you smiling hors d'oeuvre,

you're supposed to be guiding me.

Where's the Mad Catter's Split-Pea Party?

Er, that-a-way.

Er, or is it this-a-way?

But I'm warning you, those guys are insane!

[ snoring ]

[ stutters ] Y-You can't s-sit there.

That's m-my seat.

But you're in your seat.

Y-You don't understand.

W-We drink soup in shifts.

That way, we never have a dirty cup--

a-and who invited you, anyway?

I'm looking for Blanche du Lapine,

the White Rabbit.

B-B-Blanche? She had to leave.

She gave the Queen a nice gift and got promoted

to Head Trumpeter in the Royal P-Procession.

Thanks.

Let me ask you something.

Why did the turtle cross the road?

[ rapid clanking ]

M-M-Move! M-M-Move! Time for a f-fresh cup.

Look, I'd love to stay, but I'm late for a very important date.

Come on. Why did the turtle cross the road?

It's chicken-- "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

G-Go easy on him.

He's n-n-nuts.

Why should a chicken go to a Shell station?

D-Don't pay any attention

t-to the guy in the Errol Flynn costume.

H-He's nuts.

If I'm nuts, it's because of people like you.

Now just tell me where I can find

that larcenous pit bunny

so I can get out of here.

I-I believe B-Blanche is playing the P-Palace today.

Where's the Palace?

[ yawns ] Hollywood and Vine Streets.

Not that palace, you gavoon.

- [ alarm clock clatters ] - Ch-change cups!

No problem. I'll find it myself.

That was my reverse. Like it?

Wonderful. Where's the Palace?

Aw, that's easy. Right through that tree.

Oof!

Cat: Oh. I meant that tree.

[ rustling ]

I have to talk to you, Rabbit.

All:

Off with his snout! Off with his snout!

[ trumpet fanfare plays ]

Your snout is mine! [ cackles ]

[ Gordon grunting ]

The nerve of this intruder.

Trying to take my scissors away!

Isn't that the King over there with that cute little bunny?

That is my purse, young man!

Your Majesty, this purse was stolen from me.

Your swashbuckling attire is slugskin?

Don't you know anything about fashion?

I had it custom-made for my girlfriend's birthday,

which I usually forget, so I need it back.

Off with his snout!

But he's so sincere!

Off with your snout, too!

In fact, off with all the snouts in the entire zip code!

Gordon Shumway, man without a snout!

Gordon: I'll have to get new 8x10s taken.

Bailiff: Next witness, the Mad Catter.

This is ridiculous.

Shh-hh!

One witness at a time.

Off with their snouts!

Off with your own snout, you old bag.

[ all gasp ]

[ gasps ] Off with his tail, too!

Now, about my purse, young man.

That rabbit stole the purse from my dressing room.

[ stuttering ] C-C-Can I sit down now?

I did not steal it. You bought it for me.

I did not. It belongs to--

Rhonda?!

What are you, crazy?

All: Surprise! Happy un-birthday!

But it's not my birthday.

It's your un-birthday, Gordon!

In fact, it's everyone's un-birthday,

except for mine, because I was born today.

When did you turn weird, Rhonda?

I knew you wouldn't understand.

That's why I took the purse and made you follow me here.

[ all cheering ]

Get back! Stop showering me with gifts!

Just a tiny slice-- maybe a little bigger.

With a whisker.

Wake up, Gordon.

Huh?!

Hah! It was a dream!

Rhonda, open the credenza.

There's something for you.

[ drawer opens ]

A slugskin purse! Oh, Gordon!

It's a little beat up-- but it's lovely!

You don't know what I went through to get that for you.

You're not still mad at me?

I'm not, but--

So, what's it gonna be, Shumway?

I love this story!

Let's do it all season.

I knew you were a man of vision.

You'll make a fabulous Alice.

Alice? No! I refuse to wear--

Ugh!

Sometimes I hate show-biz.

[ laughs ]

- ♪ Gordon, send us... - ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah! I kill me!