Original subtitles

[ORCHESTRA TUNING UP]

WITH...

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, THE HOME OF THE PIGG FAMILY.

THEY'RE ABOUT TO BE VICTIMS OF ONE BIG, VERY BAD WOLF

WITH A CASE OF HOT AIR

AND A DESIRE TO TAKE IT OUT ON 3 LITTLE PIGS.

TOMORROW, THE PIGGS' QUIET EXISTENCE

WILL TAKE A WRONG TURN DOWN THE OFF-RAMP OF LIFE,

GO 2 BLOCKS PAST THE BIG RED HOUSE MARKED "MISFORTUNE,"

AND PULL INTO AN ALLEY OF TEARS

WHICH LEADS TO THE DEAD END, KNOW AS THE ALF TALES ZONE.

GORDON SHUMWAY?

SGT. CAMFRALL, COMEDY LOGIC SQUAD.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE NOT PROPERLY SETTING UP THE STORY.

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

IS A WISTFUL, ENCHANTED TALE.

IT NEEDS A STORYBOOK SETUP.

OK, BOYS.

WHAT?

OK, SHUMWAY. READ. AND MAKE IT GOOD.

MY KIDDIES ARE WATCHING.

"ONCE UPON A TIME,

"IN THE SMALL TOWN OF PORKVILLE,

"THERE LIVED A FAMILY BY THE NAME OF PIGG.

IT WAS MOVING DAY FOR THE 3 PIGG BOYS."

[CRYING]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE ALL GROWN UP AND MOVING OUT.

IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE BOYS.

NOW, NOW, THINK OF THEIR NEW LIVES.

THINK OF THEIR FUTURE,

THINK OF GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM WHENEVER YOU WANT TO.

D-DON'T WORRY, MOM. WE'LL VISIT.

AFTER ALL, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO OUR LAUNDRY.

WELL, THANKS FOR ALL OF YOUR NURTURING.

WE'LL MISS YOU.

AND WE'LL MISS YOU, TOO.

YOU HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING BEHIND?

UH-UH. GOT IT ALL.

SURE THERE'S NOTHING IN YOUR ROOM?

NADA. NADA. NOTHING.

GOOD. OK, MEN. BRING IT ALL THIS WAY.

PUT IT IN THE EMPTY ROOM.

AT THE END OF THE HALL.

SO MUCH FOR A SHRINE TO MY YOUTH.

HERE WE ARE! OUT OF THE NEST!

ON OUR OWN.

TO THE T-TOTALLY INDEPENDENT.

LET'S BUILD OUR NEW HOME RIGHT HERE.

L-LET'S MAKE IT OUT OF SOUP CANS.

I SAY WE GO WITH POPSICLE STICKS.

WHAT K-KIND OF STUPID IDEA IS THAT?

GEE, POPSICLE STICKS... SOUP CANS...

AND ALL ALONG I WAS THINKING OF BRICKS, MORTAR AND STEEL GIRDERS.

I GUESS I'M THE STOOP.

I MOVED OUT SO I COULD LIVE

IN THE KIND OF HOUSE I LIKE.

AND THAT HOUSE IS MADE OF POPSICLE STICKS.

E-EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE BOY,

I-I WANTED TO LIVE IN A HOUSE MADE OF SOUP CANS,

AND NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT DREAM AWAY FROM ME?

YOU KNOW, GUYS, A NICE STUCCO IS ALWAYS IN STYLE.

POPSICLE STICKS.

S-SOUP CANS.

STICKS!

CANS!

GUYS, GUYS, LET'S ALL COMPROMISE

ON SOME FEDERALLY-APPROVED BUILDING MATERIALS.

WELL, I'M BUILDING MY HOUSE ON MY OWN.

ME, TOO.

ANYBODY GOT A NICE CONDO FOR SALE?

WELCOME, WELCOME.

I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.

WOLF, I'VE GOT A BIG JOB FOR YOU.

IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

B.B. WOLF CAN HANDLE ANYTHING!

GOOD. THERE'S A RICH OIL FIELD

UNDER SOME PRIVATE PROPERTY

JUST OUTSIDE OF TOWN.

THE OWNERS DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SITTING ON.

I WANT YOU TO GET THEM TO

SIGN THEIR LAND OVER TO THE CITY--

MAINLY, ME.

AND IF THEY WON'T SIGN?

BLOW THEM AWAY.

RIGHT. JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS.

I'LL HUFF, AND I'LL PUFF...

HERE'S THE ADDRESS.

NOW, LET'S LAUGH AN EVIL LAUGH TOGETHER

TO SEAL THE DEAL.

[BOTH LAUGH EVILLY]

SO MUCH FOR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORS.

[SITAR MUSIC PLAYS]

P-PRETTY GROOVY PAD, HUH?

FAR OUT.

M-MY BROTHERS DON'T G-GET IT.

CHIP'S INTO POPSICLE STICKS,

AND ALL ROBBIE THINKS ABOUT IS BUILDING CODES.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

HI. B.B. WOLF,

B.B. WOLF DEMOLITION.

WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO SIGN THIS FORM

WHICH TURNS ALL YOUR PROPERTY RIGHTS TO THE CITY?

HUH? NO!

I J-JUST BUILT THIS HOUSE.

I WANT TO K-KEEP IT.

I'LL GIVE YOU 10 BUCKS.

10 BUCKS?

I D-DON'T THINK SO.

EVEN IF I DID SIGN,

YOU'D NEED MY BROTHERS' SIGNATURES, ALSO.

WE'LL GET TO THEM.

BUT FIRST, AHEM...

MR. PIGG, MR. PIGG, LET ME IN.

NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY CHINNY CHIN CHIN.

WELL, THEN, I'LL HUFF, AND I'LL PUFF,

AND I'LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN.

HA HA HA.

GET A LOAD OF THAT.

AS YOU WISH.

D-DO YOU THINK HE'S SERIOUS?

NO. NO. NO.

I'VE GOT YOU NOW, MY LITTLE PIGGY.

SOON, I'LL HAVE YOUR BROTHERS, TOO.

IT'S TIME FOR AN EVIL LAUGH.

HEH HEH HEH.

HEY, CHIP, HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME CATCH A FLICK?

COME ON, CHIPPER. HASN'T THIS COLD SHOULDER THING

GONE ON LONG ENOUGH?

WE'RE EACH ENTITLED TO OUR OWN HOUSE.

YOU WITH YOUR STICKS,

ME WITH MY QUALITY MATERIALS,

AND ERNIE WITH HIS PILE OF RUBBLE AND DEBRIS.

HUH? HUH?

ERNIE.

ARE YOU IN HERE?

ERNEST.

YO, ERNESTO.

YOU SEEN MY BROTHER AROUND?

HE'S A SHORT CHUBBY GUY.

NO. SORRY.

THANKS.

HEY, WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING

LOOKING THROUGH ERNIE'S SHAMBLES?

I'M LAURA DAY, REPORTER FOR THE PORKVILLE TIMES.

LAURA DAY!

YOU WROTE THAT DARING EXPOSE

THAT KNOCKED THE SOCKS OFF THE STATIC CLING INDUSTRY.

THAT'S ME.

I'M ROBBIE PIGG.

THIS IS MY BROTHER, CHIP.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR BROTHER?

THIS WAS HIS HOUSE.

BY THE LOOK OF THINGS,

I SUSPECT THAT THIS IS THE WORK OF...

THIS MAN!

Both: ED McMAHON?

OH. OH, NO. SORRY.

THIS MAN!

HE LOOKS PRETTY MEAN. WHO IS HE?

B.B. WOLF, PORKVILLE'S FOREMOST DEMOLITIONS EXPERT

AND TERRIBLE GUY.

I AM WORKING ON A STORY

THAT WILL SEND WOLF TO JAIL,

ALONG WITH PORKVILLE'S CROOKED MAYOR.

YOU THINK WOLF HAS ERNIE?

HE MIGHT.

WE'VE GOT TO SAVE HIM.

I NEED PROOF OF WOLF'S CORRUPTION FOR MY STORY.

I'VE GOT A PLAN THAT'LL GET ME INTO HIS OFFICE.

THAT'S PROBABLY WHERE THEY'RE KEEPING YOUR BROTHER.

I'M GOING WITH YOU.

CHIP, STAY AND KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S HOW WE DO IT.

FIRST, YOU AND I...

YES, MA'AM.

UH, MR. WOLF, I'M ROWENA SIDING,

ACE REPORTER FOR BETTER DESTROYED HOMES & GARDENS,

THE BIBLE OF THE DEMOLITION INDUSTRY.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO THE PRESS.

COME NOW, MR. WOLF.

I'M HERE FOR A STORY, AND I'M GOING TO GET IT.

WE KNOW YOU FOR EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE--

THE BEST DARN DEMOLISHER IN THE BUSINESS.

ME?

WE WANT YOU FOR NEXT MONTH'S COVER.

I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF BEING CONSIDERED THE LEADER

OF THE VANGUARD IN MY INDUSTRY.

UH...YEAH, YEAH.

SIT DOWN. I'VE GOT LOTS OF QUESTIONS.

ERNIE?

[MUFFLED TALKING]

ARE YOU OK?

TH-THEY SET A NICE TABLE HERE.

WE HAD EGGS B-BENEDICT THIS MORNING.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HOUSE?

IT WAS HUFFED AND PUFFED TO DEATH.

YOU HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW HOUSES DOWN?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BAD WOLF,

I HAD LOTS OF ALLERGIES.

IT GAVE ME SHORTNESS OF BREATH.

YEAH?

THEN I DISCOVERED

THIS WHOLE YOGA BREATHING THING.

IT GAVE ME POWERFUL LUNGS

AND CURED ALL MY ALLERGIES, BUT ONE.

WHICH ONE?

MY ALLERGY TO...

AH-AHHH...

TO FL-FL...

FLOWERS.

BUT WHY DOES WOLF WANT OUR LAND?

I DON'T K-KNOW.

WOLF CAN'T HAVE OUR PROPERTY

UNLESS ALL 3 OF US SIGN THE DEED.

TH-THAT MEANS HE'LL COME BACK FOR CHIP AND YOU.

SORRY, WOLF. I'M NOT BUYING.

BEFORE I MAKE YOU A COVER BOY,

I WANT TO SEE YOU BLOW DOWN A HOUSE.

BUT...UH...

TELL YOU WHAT,

I'M SCHEDULED FOR A BLOWING JOB TONIGHT.

CHIP PIGG, HUH?

YOU BE AT THAT ADDRESS RIGHT AFTER SUNSET,

AND YOU'LL HAVE ALL THE PROOF YOU NEED.

YOU'VE GOT IT, WOLF.

ALL THE PROOF I'LL NEED.

DON'T GRAB HIM BEFORE YOU SEE MY FLASH GO OFF.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE I GET A GOOD CLEAN SHOT OF HIM.

NO PROBLEM.

IS CHIP IN THE HOUSE?

READY AND WAITING.

[GASPS]

HERE HE COMES.

THIS IS IT. REMEMBER, DON'T GRAB HIM

TILL YOU SEE THE FLASH.

[SQUEAL]

GOOD EVENING.

I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING

THE UNUSUAL CONSTRUCTION OF THIS HOUSE.

POPSICLE STICKS, ISN'T IT?

POPSICLE FOR THE WALLS AND FOUNDATION,

CREAMSICLE FOR THE ROOF.

I WOULD LIKE TO BUY IT

PLUS, OF COURSE, THE LAND UNDER IT.

NO DEAL.

I CAN OFFER YOU A VERY HANDSOME SUM.

THIS IS PIG LAND.

MR. PIG.

LET ME IN.

NO WAY, JOSE.

CHINNY CHIN CHIN.

THEN I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF

AND I'LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN.

WHOA! AAH!

CAN I GRAB HIM NOW?

CHIP, ERNIE, JUST SIGN THIS NICE DEEDY WEEDY FOR MR. MAYOR

AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT THAT BIG OLD NASTY LAND OF YOURS AGAIN.

ALL RIGHTY?

NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY--

ENOUGH WITH THE CHINNY CHIN CHIN!

BOYS, I WANT TO BE NICE TO YOU,

BUT IF YOU DON'T COOPERATE,

I WON'T BE ABLE TO HOLD BACK BIG BAD WOLF HERE.

RIGHT, WOLF?

RIGHT. HOW WOULD YOU LITTLE PUNKS

LIKE A GREAT BIG HOT FUDGE SUNDAE WITH JIMMIES?

HOW MANY TIMES MUST I EXPLAIN IT?

I'M THE GOOD COP. YOU'RE THE BAD COP.

YOU AND YOUR HOSTAGE STRATEGIES.

[KNOCK KNOCK]

QUICK, HIDE THEM IN THE BACK.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO THE PIG HOUSE, WOLF.

YOU'RE OUR COVER BOY.

PUDKIN HERE WILL TAKE YOUR PICTURE.

NOW?

SAY GORGONZOLA.

EEAGH!

I DON'T SEE THEM.

KEEP LOOKING.

UH, TELL ME, WOLF,

UH, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

SAY MONS... MOONTZ...MUNTS...

SAY SWISS.

EEAGH!

EEAGH. THAT'S A SORT OF A BEIGE, ISN'T IT?

I FOUND THEM.

LET'S GO.

AND SO YOUR SORDID GAME IS OVER,

MR. BIG BAD WOLF.

ONCE AGAIN, THE LITTLE PEOPLE--

GET ME OUT OF THIS!

OOH. THANK YOU.

ANY OF YOU GUYS BEEN THINKING OF DROPPING A FEW POUNDS?

THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME.

TAXI!

♪ IF ONE OF THOSE BOTTLES SHOULD HAPPEN TO FALL ♪

♪ 3 BOTTLES OF STUFF ON THE WALL ♪

♪ ...OF STUFF ON THE WALL

THANKS, LAURA.

OH, FORGET IT.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LET'S HUSTLE.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

HEY, EVERYONE HERE

WHO OWNS A HOUSE IN ONE PIECE,

RAISE HIS HAND.

INSIDE.

ALL RIGHT, OPEN UP, YOU PIGS, OR WOLF HERE WILL--

STOP. THERE IS AN ART AND A RITUAL TO THIS.

YOU'RE SO CALLOW.

AHEM. AHEM.

MR. PIG.

LET ME IN.

NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY CHINNY CHIN CHIN.

THEN I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF

AND I'LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN.

NOW YOU'LL SEE WHY I'VE GOTTEN THOSE

HOME IMPROVEMENT BOOKS ABOUT EVERY MONTH.

MR. BLOWHARD.

MR. POWERFUL LUNG.

YOU KNOCKED OVER 6 TREES

AND A MAILBOX.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

THE MAYOR IS TYING A ROPE TO B.B. WOLF.

NOW WOLF IS STARTING TO BLOW UP AGAIN.

WAIT! WE'LL SIGN THE DEED.

YOU WILL?

YEAH. WE WANT TO MAKE NICE.

IN FACT, WE'VE GOT A LITTLE GIFT

FOR MR. WOLF.

FOR YOU.

HIT THE DECK!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

AH...AH...

WAIT. WAIT. DON'T SNEEZE.

AH-CHOO!

GESUNDHEIT.

WELL, ROBBY, I'VE GOT TO GET GOING.

YOU'RE LEAVING?

I'VE GOT A STORY TO FINISH.

I'VE GOTTA FIND OUT WHY THE MAYOR AND THE WOLF

WANTED YOUR LAND SO MUCH.

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

HEY, THAT'S WHAT MUCKRAKING IS ALL ABOUT.

SEE YOU IN THE FUNNY PAPERS.

HELLO, CHILDREN.

MOM! DAD!

YOU CAME ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE LAWN.

I WISH I HAD PREPARED SOMETHING.

SINCE YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN NOW,

YOUR MOTHER AND I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO HAVE THIS.

TH--TH--THANKS.

I'LL PUT IT UP RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S A FINE-LOOKING HOUSE.

AND IT'S VERY WELL CONSTRUCTED.

AND IT'S OUR HOME.

THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

IT'S OUR HOME AND OUR LAND,

AND NOTHING WILL EVER MAKE US LEAVE.

L-L-LOOK.

BUB--BUB-- BUBBLING CRUDE.

OIL, THAT IS.

BLACK GOLD.

TEXAS TEA.

LET'S GET OUT OF THIS DUMP

AND MOVE INTO A REAL HOUSE.

WELL, AS LONG WE LIVE IN A PETROCHEMICAL-BASED SOCIETY,

I GUESS WE'RE RICH.

IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU--

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF MONEY,

OR IF YOU'VE GOT IMPORTANT PARENTS.

WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU'RE HONEST,

AND WORK HARD, AND HAVE OIL UNDER YOUR HOUSE.

[THEME FROM TWILIGHT ZONE PLAYS]

♪ GORDON, SEND US

♪ OH, SEND US

♪ INTO OUTER SPACE

♪ OUTER SPACE

♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪

♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE

♪ TEACH US, GORDON...

HA! I KILL ME!