Original subtitles

Announcer: WITH...

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

ISN'T THIS YOKEL RUSTIC AND COLORFUL?

HE'S HERE BECAUSE TODAY'S ALF TALE

IS BASED ON THAT CLASSIC OLD FOLK SONG,

THE BALLAD OF JOHN HENRY.

THE ORIGINAL JOHN HENRY

HAMMERED A PIECE OF STEEL THROUGH SOLID ROCK

TO CLEAR TUNNELS FOR THE RAILROAD.

[PLAYS GUITAR]

WE'RE UPDATING THE STORY.

I'LL BE PLAYING JOHN HENRY,

BUT INSTEAD OF THE ROCK-BASHING MOUNTAIN MAN,

I'M THE WORLD'S GREATEST CHEF,

A MAN WHO BELIEVES YOU MUST PREPARE FOOD

WITH CARE AND PATIENCE

AND RESPECT FOR YOUR INGREDIENTS.

WHAT ABOUT MY SONG?

WE'VE UPDATED THAT, TOO.

GORDON, DARLING, ARE YOU READY?

MOM'S TEACHING ME THE FINER POINTS OF CHEFING.

I'LL SHOW YOU MY SPECIAL FRUITCAKE.

UH, MOM, COULD WE MAKE SOMETHING ELSE?

I'M ON A DIET.

OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THESE LYRICS.

I'VE GOT ENOUGH PROBLEMS.

GO BE RUSTIC AND COLORFUL.

AND NOW, JOHN HENRY AND HIS DOWN-HOME FAVORITES

ON THE EATIE GOURMET.

HOWDY. TODAY WE'RE GOING TO MAKE WHAT I CALL

POOR MAN'S CATFISH.

USE ONLY FRESH CAT AND FRESH FISH.

BUT FIRST, WE'VE GOT TO CHOP UP OUR ONIONS,

AND PEPPERS, AND CELERY.

PHEW! THAT TOOK FOREVER.

I'M GETTING OLD.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO USE

FRESH, ALL-NATURAL INGREDIENTS.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO CHOP THESE THINGS BY HAND.

DON'T GO BORROWING A CHAIN SAW

FROM THE LOCAL MANIAC.

THERE.

NOW THAT'S HOW I'D WANT TO BE SLICED

IF I WERE AN APPLE.

AND THAT'S JUST ABOUT IT.

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT THE FINISHING TOUCH.

YOU SHOULD ADD A LITTLE FLOUR.

THERE YOU GO-- A LITTLE FLOWER.

THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY ON THE EATIE GOURMET.

SORRY I'M LATE.

I WENT OUT FOR A COUPLE OF

NON-ALCOHOLIC CHATEAU LALAND 1964s

WITH THE BOYS.

SOMETHING WRONG?

IT'S THIS SLICING AND DICING.

IT IS SO TEDIOUS.

CAN'T WE BORROW THE CHAIN SAW FROM THE MANIAC?

I'M SURPRISED.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT SEPARATES US

FROM THE LOWLY BEASTS OF THE JUNGLE?

UM, SOMETIMES WE GO BOWLING?

YES, THAT, AND OUR SENSE OF ARTISTRY.

ONLY WE COULD DEVISE THE FOUR BASIC FOOD GROUPS.

AND ONLY WE CAN COMBINE THEM

WITH SKILL AND LOVING CARE.

YOU'RE RIGHT, JOHN.

SOMETIMES I LOSE SIGHT OF THE BIG PICTURE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

HI, SID.

JOHNNY, THE PRESIDENT HAS ANNOUNCED

HIS ANNUAL GOVERNOR'S BANQUET.

GREAT. I'LL GET TO WORK ON THE MENU.

WHOA. WE CAN'T BE SURE THAT THE PRES WANTS YOU.

BUT I'VE BEEN CHEF-IN-CHIEF FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS.

I STILL HAVE TO CONFIRM.

WHAT'S A MANAGER FOR, RIGHT?

TAKE CARE, KID.

SOME SERVE THEIR COUNTRY ON THE BATTLEFIELD,

OTHERS SERVE ON THE SENATE FLOOR.

I SERVE ON PLATES.

HERE'S THE STUFF, BOSS.

JUST A MOMENT, ETHAN.

THERE. WHAT DO YOU SEE?

A BIG SHEET LYING ON THE FLOOR.

THE MOST BRILLIANT MAD SCIENTIST BOSS

A GUY COULD EVER HAVE?

I AM NOT MAD!

I'M JUST A LITTLE ANGRY.

WELL, NOT ANGRY, REALLY.

I'M PEEVED.

NO! HERE IT IS.

I'M IRKED.

I AM AN IRKED SCIENTIST!

BECAUSE OF THAT TIME YOU WENT TO COOKING SCHOOL

WITH JOHN HENRY,

AND HE BECAME THE WORLD'S GREATEST CHEF,

AND YOU FLUNKED OUT?

YES. THAT'S IT IN A NUTSHELL,

AND I MUST WORK THROUGH MY IRKEDNESS

VIA DEEDS OF DESTRUCTION.

LET'S PROCEED.

ALL SET, BOSS.

READY TO MAKE FOOD HISTORY, ETHAN?

OK.

READY.

EXCELLENT.

SHOULDN'T WE TASTE IT, BOSS?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE

HOW IT TASTES?

WHAT MATTERS IS

PHASE ONE OF MY MASTER PLAN IS COMPLETE.

IS THAT THE MASTER PLAN

WHERE YOU TAKE OVER THE WHOLE WORLD, BOSS?

I DON'T THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALLUDING TO, REALLY.

REMEMBER? YOU TOLD ME THIS MORNING.

PERHAPS I DO HAVE LARGER AMBITIONS.

PERHAPS I DO WANT TO PAY BACK JOHN HENRY

FOR SHOWING ME UP.

PERHAPS I WOULD LIKE TO RULE THE WORLD AS WELL!

BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST.

PHASE TWO OF THE MASTER PLAN--

MARKETING!

ARE YOU FED UP WITH MAKING HOMEMADE MEALS

FOR YOUR FAMILY?

IS THIS YOU?

HELLO, DARLING.

SAY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER? SANDWICHES AGAIN?

SORRY, HONEY, I'VE JUST HAD IT WITH MAKING MEALS.

I WANT MORE OUT OF LIFE.

WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?

I'M JUST A REGULAR PERSON.

DON'T YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS?

HELLO, DARLING. SAY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

GOURMET TEMPTATIONS MADE QUICKLY AND EASILY

WITH THIS WONDERFUL NEW DEVICE, DEAR.

IT'S CALLED THE K-ART CHOPPER,

AND IT'S CHANGED MY LIFE.

I'LL SAY.

YOU LOOK MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN EVER.

HERE. TAKE THIS GREAT BIG DIAMOND NECKLACE.

AND TO THINK,

I OWE IT ALL TO THIS, THE K-ART CHOPPER.

YEAH, RIGHT, AND I'M JULIA CHILD.

BUY MY MACHINE. BUY MY MACHINE.

BUY MY MACHINE.

MR. KWISINE, YOUR INVENTION

SEEMS TO HAVE TAKEN THE COUNTRY BY STORM.

YOU AIN'T JUST WHISTLING DIXIE.

SALES OF MY K-ART CHOPPER

HAVE TRIPLED IN THE LAST HOUR AND 1/2.

THREE OUT OF THREE HOMES

NOW OWN A K-ART CHOPPER.

DO YOU HAVE PLANS TO EXPAND?

DEFINITELY.

HOW ABOUT DIVERSIFICATION?

CERTAINLY.

WHAT ABOUT WORLD DOMINATION?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I JUST WANT TO HELP PEOPLE.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

YOU'RE RIGHT, JANE.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, DARLING.

COULDN'T HELP BUT AGREE.

REPORTERS ARE FOOLS.

TELL THEM YOU DON'T INTEND TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD--

HEH HEH HEH HEH!

AND THEY BELIEVE IT!

HEH HEH HEH!

NOW, YOU'LL WANT TO BLANCH YOUR ALMONDS,

SO BOIL SOME WATER.

BLANCHING YOUR NUTS CAN BE TROUBLESOME,

BUT IT'S WORTH IT.

AND THE K-ART CHOPPER WILL MAKE JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

SAY YOU WANT TO PREPARE

THOSE CUCAMONGA CHIMICHANGAS

THAT ARE SO POPULAR THIS WEEK.

JUST POP IN THE INGREDIENTS.

BUT THESE CUCAMONGA CHIMICHANGAS

LOOK JUST LIKE THE ANAHEIM AVOCADO SALAD.

EXACTLY. AND TASTES LIKE IT, TOO.

AND MY TRADEMARK TOMATO ROSE.

I MEAN, MY WIFE PUT IN A COUPLE OF PAIR OF SOCKS.

AND BOOM! WE HAD THIS FOUR-COURSE VEAL DINNER.

WELL, IT WAS LIKE VEAL.

AND A LITTLE HOT SAUCE,

WHICH MY CAMERAMAN ERNIE ALWAYS LIKES.

RIGHT, ERN?

ERNIE? HELLO? HELLO?

THE BUSINESS IS SLIPPING FAST--

SALES ARE DOWN,

THE RATINGS ON YOUR SHOW ARE DOWN.

IT'S THIS KWISINE GUY.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE BUSINESS.

WHAT MAKES ME MAD IS THAT HE'S PUSHING

ARTIFICIAL, FORMULATED,

CHEMICAL-LADEN JUNK ON GOOD PEOPLE.

JOHN, I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHAT?

PUSH ARTIFICIAL, FORMULATED, CHEMICAL-LADEN JUNK FOOD

ON GOOD PEOPLE, TOO.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL STAY AFLOAT.

ART KWISINE IS BURYING YOU.

SID, I WANT YOU TO GET ME FACE-TO-FACE

WITH KWISINE ON LIVE TV.

I WANT TO TELL THE PEOPLE

THAT EVERYTHING HE STANDS FOR IS WRONG.

OK, JOHNNY, OK.

JUST PROMISE YOU WON'T DO ANYTHING RASH.

GOOD EVENING, I'M TNED KNOPPLE,

AND THIS IS NIGHT LIGHT.

WITH US IN OUR LOS ANGELES STUDIOS

IS ART KWISINE,

INVENTOR OF THE AMAZINGLY SUCCESSFUL K-ART CHOPPER,

AND IN OUR RICHMOND, VIRGINIA STUDIOS,

JOHN HENRY, WORLD-FAMOUS CHEF

AND HAM-SLICING AUTHORITY.

ART KWISINE, YOU'VE JUST ABOUT CHANGED

THE WAY WE ALL MAKE DINNER.

YES, I HAVE, TNED.

I'VE REMOVED ALL THE UNNECESSARY STEPS.

YEAH, LIKE STARTING WITH FOOD.

YOU'RE JEALOUS BECAUSE PEOPLE

WANT THEIR MEALS FROM THE K-ART.

YOU CALL THAT STUFF MEALS?

I'D RATHER EAT THE MACHINE.

I CAN ARRANGE THAT.

I WANT YOU, KWISINE.

YOU HEAR ME? YOU, YOU, YOU!

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, MR. HENRY?

I WILL MEET YOU ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, FOR A COOK-OFF.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN REAL VITTLES AND YOUR ROBO-FOOD.

OOH...I--

I ACCEPT!

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

WE'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT.

THIS IS GREAT.

GENTLEMAN AND GENTLEMACHINE,

EACH OF YOU IS TO PREPARE AS MANY SIX-COURSE MEALS

AS YOU CAN IN HALF AN HOUR.

MAY THE BEST CHEF WIN.

FINALLY, MY CHANCE TO SLICE, DICE,

HUMILIATE, AND ELIMINATE YOU, HENRY!

HEE HEE HEE!

DON'T COUNT YOUR OVEN STUFFERS

BEFORE THEY'RE BASTED, KWISINE.

ON YOUR MARKS...

GET SET...

COOK!

[PANTS]

[BUZZER]

HEY, BOSS. WHAT IS THIS STUFF, ANYWAY?

WHO CARES? WHEN IT TASTES LIKE...

VICTORY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE PRESIDENT HAS JUST ASKED ART KWISINE

TO BE OFFICIAL CHEF

FOR THE GOVERNORS' BANQUET AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

BUT THAT WAS MY JOB.

HI, THIS IS THE EATIE GOURMET.

I DON'T KNOW,

LET'S MAKE SOMETHING EASY--CORNFLAKES.

JOHN, HAVE YOU SEEN THESE?

THE RISE AND FALL OF JOHN HENRY,

THE HENRY COOKIE CRUMBLES,

JOHN HENRY, A LEFTOVER.

SID, WE'RE ON THE AIR.

NO, WE'RE NOT, KID.

THE SHOW'S BEEN CANCELED.

THE NETWORK WANTS TO TEST A NEW CONCEPT.

HOLD ON NOW, SON.

WHERE'S THE ROSE?

THE ROSE, MR. PRESIDENT?

EVERY YEAR AT THIS BANQUET,

I LOOK FORWARD TO THE TOMATO CARVED

MIGHTY LIKE A ROSE.

IT'S A TRADITION.

IF THE PRESIDENT WANTS A TOMATO ROSE,

SOMEBODY GET HIM A DARN TOMATO ROSE.

RIGHT AWAY.

OK, WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

STOP! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

I'M WELL-CONNECTED. I KNOW BOB HOPE!

CAN THAT K-ART THING MAKE TOMATO ROSES OR NOT?

SIR, A TOMATO ROSE

IS A THING OF DELICATE BEAUTY.

ONLY HUMAN HANDS CAN CREATE ONE,

IN FACT, TWO PARTICULAR HUMAN HANDS,

AND THOSE HANDS BELONG TO...

JOHN HENRY.

JOHN! JOHN HENRY!

DARLING!

JOHN, PUT DOWN THE FORK. WE LOVE YOU.

I'M SORRY, KIM.

THIS IS WHERE I BELONG.

MR. HENRY,

I'M FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.

YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU, SIR.

IT'S TRUE.

THE GOVERNORS AT THE BANQUET WANT YOUR TOMATO ROSES.

THEY WANT MY...ROSES?

YES, HONEY.

NOW GIVE ME THE FORK.

I WON'T LET MY COUNTRY DOWN.

AH! BOB, YOU OK?

I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE DINNER.

[CHEERING]

HUH?

NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

NOW, ETHAN. PHASE THREE.

ATTENTION, K-ART CHOPPERS.

[SCREAMING]

PHASE THREE IN MOTION, BOSS.

ATTENTION!

ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY,

K-ART CHOPPERS ARE AWAITING MY COMMAND TO TAKE OVER.

MR. PRESIDENT, GOVERNORS,

YOU ARE MY PRISONERS!

BEHOLD!

[SCREAMING]

MR. PRESIDENT,

TURN OVER CONTROL OF THE NATION TO ME,

OR YOUR COUNTRYMEN WILL BECOME SIX-COURSE DINNERS.

ART KWISINE!

I KNEW YOU WERE EVIL.

I SHOULD HAVE DONE AWAY WITH YOU IN COOKING SCHOOL

WHEN YOU WOULDN'T LET ME CHEAT OFF YOU

ON THE FINAL EXAM.

YOU SAID I COULDN'T CUT THE MUSTARD.

YOU CAN'T.

YOU SPOON THE MUSTARD.

[GASPS]

HUH?

[GASPS]

AAH!

UNH!

JOHN, BEHIND YOU!

OH!

WRONG REMOTE!

YEOW!

HUH, K-ART CHOPPERS?

DON'T EXPECT A BIG TIP.

JOHN HENRY, YOU HAVE PROVEN

THAT FOOD FOR THE PEOPLE MUST BE MADE BY THE PEOPLE.

AND SO I GIVE YOU

THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL OF FLOUR...

AND I INVITE YOU

TO BE THE OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE CHEF.

JOHN, THE NETWORK WANTS YOU BACK

IN PRIME TIME.

AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.

YOUR MASCARA'S RUNNING, DEAR.

MOM, THE SHOW'S NOT OVER!

IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER. HAPPY ENDING.

HERE, THE FRUITCAKE IS DONE. TASTE.

I TOLD YOU I'M ON A DIET, MOM.

WELL, EVERYBODY, HAVE A PIECE.

FRUITCAKE? MY MOM MADE IT.

AAH!

I SHOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT IN ACT ONE.

♪ GORDON, SEND US

♪ OH, SEND US

♪ INTO OUTER SPACE

♪ OUTER SPACE

♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪

♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE

♪ TEACH US, GORDON...

HA! I KILL ME!