Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

WITH...

HI. I'M RUNNING LATE.

WELCOME TO ALF TALES.

WARDROBE!

TODAY'S STORY IS THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA

YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHERE THE GIRL

HAS TO SLEEP ON A GIANT PILE OF MATTRESSES.

PARDON ME, MR. SHUMWAY.

I PLAY PRINCE GORDY, A GUY'S WHO'S ALL GROWN UP

BUT STILL SMALL ENOUGH TO FIT UNDER HIS MOTHER'S THUMB.

PRINCE GORDY'S SECRET DREAM IS TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,

TO BE A JESTER.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT IS THIS?

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A JESTER.

GORDON.

OH, NO.

GORDO, ROGER COHEN.

Both: NETWORK EXECUTIVE.

GORDO, OUR RESEARCH SHOWS

THAT THIS GETUP IS VERY BIG WITH THE KIDS.

I'M WEARING THE JESTER'S COSTUME,

OR YOU CAN GET YOURSELF ANOTHER BOY.

GET MR. SHUMWAY THE RIGHT COSTUME!

GORDON, THE NETWORK LOVES YOU.

DON'T HUG ME.

I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE THAT.

THAT'S ME. PRINCE GORDY.

IF MY MOTHER EVER FOUND OUT

THAT MY DREAM IS TO APPEAR ON THE DAVID LETTERROCK SHOW,

SHE'D GIVE ME SUCH A RIM SHOT.

SO SORRY, MY P-PRINCE.

THANKS FOR KNOCKING.

YOU'D BETTER GET DRESSED

FOR YOUR ENGAGEMENT P-PARTY, SIRE.

ENGAGEMENT PARTY?

MY MOM HASN'T EVEN FOUND THE FIANCEÉE FOR ME YET.

I GUESS SHE WORKS WELL UNDER PRESSURE.

SHTICK, CAN WE TALK AS FRIENDS?

B-BUT I AM YOUR S-SERVANT, SIRE.

PLEASE.

IN THAT CASE, GORDY,

WHY DON'T YOU STOP LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD

AND STAND UP TO YOUR M-MOTHER FOR ONCE

AND TELL HER THAT YOU WANT TO JEST.

CALL ME SIRE.

MY MOTHER ONCE SENT AWAY FOR A MAIL ORDER BRIDE FOR ME.

THE POST OFFICE SHOULD HAVE CANCELLED HER FACE.

[ALL LAUGH]

HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN.

ENJOY YOURSELVES, EVERYONE.

REVEL, REVEL. HUZZAH.

YOU ARE A B-BIG HIT.

PEOPLE SAY YOU'RE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.

'CAUSE I CAN TELL A JOKE OR TWO?

ALTHOUGH THEY MIGHT BE LAUGHING LOUD AND HARDY,

DEEP INSIDE I'M BLUE.

I CAN CHASE THOSE B-BLUES AWAY.

HOW?

THERE'S A COMEDY CLUB IN TOWN.

I KNOW. CATCH A RISING JESTER.

TONIGHT IS OPEN-MIKE NIGHT.

POOR MIKE.

ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO

CAN JUST GET ONSTAGE AND PERFORM.

YOU SHOULD GO.

GREAT. BUT IF MOM EVER FOUND OUT...

THE QUEEN DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW.

RIGHT. WHAT MY MOTHER DOESN'T KNOW

WON'T HURT ME.

YOU EVER NOTICE

THE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE

WERE NAMED AFTER THE ROUND TABLE?

ISN'T THAT WEIRD? ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

IT'S A GOOD THING THEY WEREN'T

SITTING AROUND A COFFEE TABLE.

AAH-- AAH--

DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW SCARY IT IS

TO BE ESCORTED BY A GUY WEARING A BLACK HOOD ON HIS FACE?

THAT'S IT. I'M OUTTA HERE.

I'M MEDIEVAL HISTORY.

G-GORDY. THIS IS YOUR DREAM.

ALL RIGHT, BUT KEEP THE HORSE AND CARRIAGE RUNNING.

WELL, HE STUNK.

FOR OUR NEXT PERFORMER,

JESTER SAM KENISTONE.

AAH! YOU PEOPLE!

I'M ON THE EDGE!

DON'T MESS WITH ME!

OHH OHH! AAH!

[CRASH]

OUR NEXT VICTIM CALLS HIMSELF

THE CLOWN PRINCE OF COMEDY.

IT'S HIS FIRST

AND PROBABLY LAST TIME HERE.

SO LET'S GIVE HIM A BIG WELCOME.

AAH! OOF!

[ALL LAUGHING]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MY MOTHER'S A LITTLE DOMINEERING.

SHE AGREED TO LET ME GO OUT ON WEEKENDS

AS LONG AS I PROMISE NOT TO GET A LIFE.

MY MOTHER INTRODUCED ME

TO A GIRL SHE THOUGHT I SHOULD MARRY.

THE NAME MIGHT RING A BELL--

QUASIMODO.

YOU'VE BEEN GREAT. GOOD NIGHT.

I'M GEORGE MARTY, OWNER AND EMCEE, KID.

AS SOON AS I SAW YOU,

I KNEW YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES.

YOU MEAN HE HAS WHAT YOU TAKE.

SHUT UP.

I WANT YOU BACK HERE TOMORROW.

THERE WILL BE SOMEONE HERE

I WANT TO SEE YOU PERFORM.

DAVID LETTERROCK.

D-D-D...

-DAVID LETTERROCK? -DAVID LETTERROCK?

GEORGE, MY MAN, MY CLIENT WILL BE HERE.

YOU'RE A PRINCE.

AND BELIEVE ME, HE KNOWS A PRINCE WHEN HE SEES ONE.

THIS IS IT, THE B-BIG NIGHT.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE GREAT.

CREATIVE AND FULFILLING LIFESTYLE,

HERE I COME.

AAH! GORDY?

MOM.

I HAVE SOMEONE HERE I WANT YOU TO MEET.

THIS IS PRINCESS VERMILION.

UH, NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOUR MOTHER'S TOLD ME EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,

AND WITH WORK, I CAN STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

IT'S BEEN AWFULLY NICE MEETING YOU.

LET'S DO THIS AGAIN REAL SOON.

I HAVE A WONDERFUL SURPRISE FOR YOU.

SURPRISE?

SHALL I TELL HIM?

OH, DO.

THANK YOU. PLEASE.

VERMILION AND YOU ARE TO BE MARRIED.

THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION.

SHTICK, PREPARE THE ROYAL ENTOURAGE.

WE INTENDED TO BOWL.

BOWLING? NOW?

YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO?

UH, NO. NO, NO.

GET READY, HUSBAND TO BE.

WE WILL LEAVE SHORTLY.

AFTER YOU.

PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

PINCH ME, SHTICK.

PINCH ME HARD.

S-S-SORRY, MY PRINCE,

I DON'T THINK THIS IS A DREAM.

I KNOW IT'S NOT A DREAM.

I JUST THINK I'D BETTER GET USED TO PAIN.

YOUR TURN, VERMILION.

OH, WHY DON'T YOU GO FIRST?

AFTER YOU.

THANK YOU.

UGH.

OOH! I GOT ONE!

I GOT ONE!

WELL, YOU WIN. GAME'S OVER. LET'S GO.

GORDY.

YES, MOTHER?

BOWL.

YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE A FIRM HAND...

OR THEY'LL TRY TO GET AWAY WITH SOMETHING.

EXACTLY.

THANK YOU. PLEASE.

I THINK I GOT A STRIKE.

AND YOU CAN STAND ON MY LEFT SIDE.

YOUR FATHER CAN STAND ON YOUR RIGHT.

BUT I GUESS GORDY HAS TO STAND SOMEWHERE.

OH. OH.

HELLO.

I'M A GHOST.

MOM, PRINCESS PESTER,

YOU DON'T MIND IF I EXCUSE MYSELF,

GO TO A COMEDY CLUB AND START A NEW LIFE, DO YOU?

I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE 3 HOURS LATE.

WHERE'S LETTERROCK?

HE LEFT HOURS AGO.

GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO WALK OFF A DRAWBRIDGE.

I'VE GOT 5 PAYING CUSTOMERS IN THERE.

IF I SCHEDULE YOU TO GO ON, THEN YOU GO ON!

[DRUM ROLL]

GOOD EVENING, LADY AND A FEW GENTLEMEN.

MY MOTHER'S A LITTLE DOMINEERING.

SHE LETS ME GO OUT ON WEEKENDS

AS LONG AS I PROMISE NOT TO GET A LIFE.

[SNORING]

MY MOTHER HAS A GIRL SHE WANTS ME TO MARRY.

THE NAME MIGHT RING A BELL--QUASIMODO.

HA HA HA!

I BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH,

AND I BELIEVE THIS PERFORMANCE PROVES THAT.

HA HA HA!

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

ANYWAY, I'D LIKE TO STAY,

BUT I HAVE TO GO HOME AND FIGHT PLAQUE.

THERE'S THE WAITRESS THAT LAUGHED AT MY STUFF.

THERE'S THAT FUNNY JESTER.

I THINK I'LL SAY HELLO.

SHE'S COMING OVER HERE. I'D BETTER ACT COOL.

WELL, I NEVER.

WAIT! DON'T GO.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M THAT JESTER'S INNER VOICE.

HE LIKES YOU.

HE DOES?

YEAH, HE'S JUST A LITTLE SHY

AND NEUROTICALLY OBSESSED WITH HIS MOTHER.

GO OVER AND TALK TO HIM, OK? OK.

HI. I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU

THAT I THINK YOU'RE CUTE.

THANKS, BUT I REALLY DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS.

I'M HIDING BEHIND A PLANT.

YOU'RE FUNNY.

I AM? I'M GORDY.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A FLAGON OF PUMA JUICE WITH ME?

I'D LOVE TO.

I'M AVERY FISHER HALL.

WELL, WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

GET ME FULL COVERAGE OF THIS.

THANKS, BUT I COULD NEVER MAKE IT AS A JESTER.

MY MOM WOULD CROWN ME, OR SHE WOULDN'T CROWN ME.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING A JESTER?

IT'S A PERFECTLY GOOD SOLID JOB.

WELL, CAN YOU KEEP A BIG SECRET?

SURE. WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

I'M NOT REALLY A JESTER. I'M THE PRINCE OF THE LAND.

WHAT?

ER--UH, OH, I MEAN, UH...

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT

AT THIS TABLE?

FINE. THANK YOU, GEORGE.

FINE. GOOD.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU'RE REALLY THE PRINCE?

WOULD I KID THE FIRST BABE

I'VE EVER SUCKED PUMA JUICE WITH?

WHAT AN IMPLAUSIBLE AND INDEED METAPHYSICAL COINKYDINKY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M A PRINCESS.

GET OUT OF THE KINGDOM.

HA, NO, IT'S TRUE.

I WANT TO BE A WAITRESS

BUT MY MOTHER WOULDN'T LET ME,

SO I STOOD UP TO HER.

TALK ABOUT YOUR ROLE MODELS.

GORDY, YOU'RE A GROWN MAN.

TELL YOUR MOTHER IT'S YOUR FUTURE, NOT HERS.

YOU ONLY GO AROUND ONCE IN LIFE.

YEAH. SO WHY SHORTEN IT?

SO THAT CLOWN PRINCE

IS A CROWN PRINCE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

IF THE QUEEN DISCOVERED

THAT HER SON WAS A LOWLY JESTER,

THE SCANDAL WOULD BE THE MEDIA EVENT OF THE DECADE.

WE'D BE THE MOST FAMOUS COMEDY CLUB IN THE KINGDOM!

I'LL HANDLE THE MEDIA.

YOU GET A MESSAGE TO THE QUEEN.

SURE THING, BOSS.

THE MESSAGE IS...

IF HER MAJESTY WANTS TO FIND OUT

ABOUT PRINCE GORDY'S SECRET LIFE,

SHE SHOULD BE HERE TOMORROW NIGHT AT 9:30.

YES?

THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE MESSAGE.

GO!

RIGHT! IDIOT.

UNSUSPECTING PAWN.

MILLIONAIRE.

I'M HAROLDO REVIEWER.

TONIGHT WE COME TO YOU FROM THE SUDDENLY POPULAR COMEDY CLUB

CATCH A RISING JESTER.

WE ASK THE QUESTION,

"JESTERS--INSANELY FUNNY, OR FUNNILY INSANE?"

TONIGHT. HERE. NOW.

LIVE ON MY SHOW-- HAROLD.

[GASPS]

YOU SEE THAT CROWD?

I'VE NEVER SEEN A CROWD THAT...CROWDED.

I-IT SURE IS P-P-PACKED.

TONIGHT IS A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT.

ONE REASON IS THE QUADRUPLE COVER CHARGE.

BOO!

AND THE OTHER IS OUR FIRST COMIC,

THAT CLOWN PRINCE OF COMEDY.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

I HAVE A VERY DOMINEERING MOTHER.

SHE FINALLY LET ME GO OUT ON WEEKENDS

AS LONG AS I PROMISE NOT TO GET A LIFE.

THEF, IT'S ALL GOING AS PLANNED.

HERE COMES THE QUEEN NOW.

MAYBE HER NAME RINGS A BELL--QUASIMODO.

AND SO I SAID TO MY OPPRESSIVE AND SMOTHERING MOTHER--

MOM!

GORDY!

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

AAH!

BY WHICH I MEAN,

WHAT A GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY, HUH? WHAT A NIGHT.

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

THE SON OF THE QUEEN A JESTER?

I COMMAND YOU TO GO TO YOUR ROYAL ROOM IMMEDIATELY.

TOUGH CROWD.

YOUR SON, GRACEFULLY COMIC,

OR COMIC DISGRACE?

THE PRINCE IS OLD ENOUGH TO RUN HIS OWN LIFE.

HE HAS A GIFT FOR COMEDY AND HE SHOULD SHARE IT.

COMEDY, GIFT FOR SHARING,

OR SHARING FOR--

HEY, HAROLD, LOOK OVER THERE!

A FAMILY OF NUDIST MIDGET PSYCHICS.

WHO IS THIS INSOLENT LITTLE TRAMP?

WHO? HER? SHE'S JUST A WAITRESS. CHECK, PLEASE.

GET OFF THAT STAGE!

COME HOME AND MARRY THE PRINCESS I HAVE CHOSEN.

NO, YOUR ROYAL MOTHERNESS.

YOU SEE, MOM,

I KIND OF LIKE AVERY HERE.

SHE UNDERSTANDS ME.

AND, WELL, I WAS THINKING OF ASKING HER TO BE MY WIFE.

OH, GORDY!

YOU CANNOT MARRY...THIS.

SHE IS NO PRINCESS.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, SHE IS!

RIGHT, AND I'M ONE OF THE GORGEOUS LADIES OF WRESTLING.

IT'S TRUE, YOUR HIGHNESS. I AM A PRINCESS.

IF IT IS SO, YOU WILL SURELY PASS

THE OFFICIAL STANDARDIZED PRINCESS TEST.

TEST? TEST?

TOMORROW, 6:00 P.M., THE ROYAL FAIRGROUNDS.

BE THERE.

AVERY FISHER HALL,

A TRUE PRINCESS, OR TRULY PRINCELESS?

ACCORDING TO THE QUEEN,

THERE IS ONE TRUE TEST--

A SINGLE PEA PLACED UNDER THE BOTTOM MATTRESS.

ONLY A REAL PRINCESS WOULD BE SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO FEEL IT.

SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO BE KEPT AWAKE

FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT BY THE DISCOMFORT.

AVERY AND PRINCE GORDY HAVE BEEN KEPT OFFSTAGE

IN A SOUNDPROOF BOOTH.

ALL THEY KNOW IS THAT AVERY IS TO SPEND THE NIGHT

ON THE MATTRESSES. IF SHE CAN'T SLEEP,

THE QUEEN WILL BE CONVINCED

SHE IS A PRINCESS.

IF SHE DOZES,

IT'S BACK TO WAITING TABLES.

SHE'S NODDING OFF ALREADY.

DEAD ON HER FEET.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO TO PASS THE TEST?

WELL, HERE'S A STACK OF 20 MATTRESSES.

I GUESS YOU GOTTA GO TO SLEEP.

I HEREBY ORDER THE SUN TO GO DOWN.

I-IXNAY ON THE EEPSLAY.

HUH?

LET THE TEST BEGIN.

[PLAYS TRUMPET]

[CLOCK TICKS]

♪ GO TO SLEEP, GO TO SLEEP ♪

♪ CLOSE YOUR PRINCESS-LIKE EYELIDS ♪

♪ GO TO SLEEP NOW, GO TO SLEEP ♪

♪ GO TO SLEE-EE-EE-EE

♪ EEP

WHOA!

[SHEEPS BLEATING]

196...

BAAA!

197...

BAAA!

[YAWNING] 198...

AAH!

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[SNORING]

DAWN. THE QUESTION--

DID THE WOULD-BE PRINCESS SLEEP,

OR DID THE SLEEPY WOULDCESS PRIN?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

GENTLEMEN, YOUR VERDICT.

AWAKE!

FULLY AROUSED.

HASN'T SLEPT A WINK.

I FAILED.

I'M A MESS.

YOUR MOTHER WILL NEVER LET ME MARRY YOU.

NO, NO, NO!

SCHTICK JUST EXPLAINED IT TO ME. YOU PASSED.

WE CAN BE MARRIED!

WHAT?

YEAH, YOU HAD TO STAY AWAKE.

YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS PEA IN YOUR BED.

EW!

I'LL EXPLAIN ON THE WAY DOWN.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS IN THE BAG.

SOMETHING MUST HAVE GONE WRONG.

YES. LIKE MY WEDDING PLANS, YOU COW.

SO, AVERY FISHER HALL PASSES THE TEST,

PROVING SHE IS A TRUE PRINCESS.

YAY! YAY! YAY!

THOSE MATTRESSES GAVE THE EXPRESSION

"CLIMBING INTO BED" A WHOLE NEW MEANING.

THAT'S ABOUT THE WHOLE STORY, DAVID.

YEAH.

MOM SEEMED PRETTY DOMINEERING.

YOU COULD SAY THAT.

SHE USED TO LET ME OUT ON WEEKENDS

AS LONG AS I PROMISED NOT TO GET A LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

AHA! YEAH!

PROMISED NOT TO GET A LIFE. MY, OH, MY.

BUT OF COURSE, YOU DID MARRY

THE LOVELY PRINCESS AVERY.

I UNDERSTAND SHE'S WITH US HERE TONIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT. CAN WE GET A SHOT OF HER?

[APPLAUSE]

I TAUGHT HIM EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.

IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE, GORDY. COME BACK ANYTIME.

ONLY IF I HAVE SOMETHING TO PLUG.

UH, WE'RE OUT OF TIME, FOLKS.

JOIN US TOMORROW FOR RITA RUDNER,

THE SOPHOMORICALLY SNIDE GUY,

AND A VISIT FROM THE NBC CENSOR.

GOOD NIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

♪ GORDON, SEND US

♪ OH, SEND US

♪ INTO OUTER SPACE

♪ OUTER SPACE

♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪

♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE

♪ TEACH US, GORDON...

HA! I KILL ME!