Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

HELLO AND WELCOME TO NIGHTLINE.

NAH, JUST KIDDING YA.

TODAY'S ALF TALE IS FROM THE STORIES OF THE BROTHERS GRIMM.

LET'S PEEK IN.

OOF!

UNH!

[BOTH LAUGH]

WOW!

YOU'D NEVER GUESS THEIR NAME WAS GRIMM, WOULD YOU?

AND THAT'S WHAT TODAY'S SHOW IS ABOUT--

A NAME.

PARTICULARLY THE NAME OF A CURIOUS LITTLE FELLA.

AND IT'S UP TO ME TO FIND OUT THAT NAME.

WHY?

BECAUSE I PLAY A PRIVATE EYE.

I'LL MEET YOU INSIDE AFTER THE TITLES, SWEETHEART.

WHY A PRIVATE EYE?

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I SEE MYSELF AS A WHITE KNIGHT

IN AN EVER DARKENING WORLD.

THAT MEANS I'M A GOOD GUY.

BUT EVEN GOOD GUYS HAVE BAD DAYS.

AND MINE STARTED WHEN SHE WALKED IN.

PFFT!

SHE WAS A KNOCKOUT.

THE KIND OF GIRL WHO COULD MAKE MR. SPOCK SPEAK FRENCH.

EXCUSE ME. DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

UH, UH, NO.

CAN I HELP YOU?

MAYBE, GUMSHOE. GOT A LIGHT?

THANK YOU.

I NEED YOU TO FIND A MAN'S NAME FOR ME.

WHOSE NAME?

IF I KNEW HIS NAME, I'D KNOW HIS NAME.

I HAVE A FEELING A FLASHBACK WOULD HELP CLEAR THINGS UP.

IT ALL STARTED LAST MONTH.

I WAS WAITING FOR MY FATHER,

THE MILLER, TO COME HOME.

[DOOR OPENS]

HELLO, FATHER. HOW WAS MILLING TODAY?

I MUST'VE MILLED FOR HOURS.

IT IS FORTUNATE YOU LOVE TO MILL SO.

BUT THE PAY IS POOR.

I'M SO SORRY THAT I CANNOT GIVE YOU MORE.

OH, WELL. WE MUST BE HAPPY WITH THE THINGS WE HAVE--

I MEAN, THE THING WE HAVE.

DO NOT FEAR.

TOMORROW KING BUNDY WILL BE SPEAKING

AT THE SMITHIES, WINEMAKERS, AND MILLERS CONVENTION.

HOW WILL THE KING HELP US?

WHEN HE LAYS HIS ROYAL BABY BLUES ON YOU,

HE'LL FALL CROWN OVER HEELS IN LOVE.

YOU'LL MARRY HIM,

AND HIS FORTUNE AND OUR LUCK WILL CHANGE.

WE WENT TO THE CONVENTION, AND MY LUCK DID CHANGE,

ONLY NOT FOR THE BETTER.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

MILLING AND YOU. READ ABOUT IT.

MILL, MILL, MILL, A MILLER'S DAY.

HIS EXCELLENCY,

IN THE BLUE TRUNKS WITH MAGENTA STRIPE,

KING...BUNDY!

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

[SNIFF SNIFF] GRAPE.

GRAPE IS MY FAVORITE FRAGRANCE.

ALL MY WOMEN WEAR GRAPE.

THIS IS NO TIME TO BE SHY, DEAR.

KING BUNDY'S GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

♪ GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

THIS WOMAN IS A COMMONER.

ONLY AN UNCOMMON WOMAN IS WORTHY OF A KING.

THAT IS TRUE.

IF ONLY YOU HAD SOME SPECIAL ABILITY.

WHAT KIND OF ABILITY, YOUR HIGHNESS?

OH, SINGING, DANCING, HEAT VISION.

I MUST GO NOW.

MY DAUGHTER HAS A SKILL

MUCH MORE RARE AND SPECIAL THAN THOSE.

IT'LL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF.

MY DAUGHTER CAN-- SHE CAN, UH...

OH, TURN STRAW INTO GOLD.

OHH! OHH!

WELL, THEN...

DAD!

TAKE THIS YOUNG LADY TO THE PALACE.

GIVE HER A SPINNING WHEEL AND PLENTY OF STRAW.

IF YOU CAN SPIN STRAW INTO GOLD

AS YOUR FATHER CLAIMS,

I WILL MARRY YOU.

BUT WHAT IF--

AND THIS IS JUST A WHAT IF, MIND YOU.

WHAT IF I CAN'T SPIN STRAW INTO GOLD?

IF YOU CANNOT,

YOU WILL STAY IN THE DUNGEON FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I'M SORRY, SWEETHEART.

I'M SO, SO SORRY.

I GOTCHA, AW, GEE, UH,

I'M SO SORRY, SORRY, SORRY. I CAN'T--

DID THEY TAKE YOU TO THE PALACE?

AND THERE I WAS VISITED

BY A BIZARRE, STRANGE IMP OF A MAN.

PEE WEE HERMAN?

NOT THAT STRANGE.

TURN TO GOLD. TURN TO GOLD.

TURN TO GOLD, YOU STUPID STRAW!

OH, I'LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE.

MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO.

HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?

EASY.

A LITTLE THING CALLED MAGIC.

YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE?

YES, BUT I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE

IF I DON'T CHANGE THIS STRAW INTO GOLD.

WELL, NOW, RELAX. I CAN DO THIS EASY.

BUT IT'S GONNA COST YOU. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

I'VE GOT THIS SNOUT COZY.

I'LL TAKE IT.

WONDERFUL.

AND YOUR FIRST-BORN CHILD.

WHAT?

NO! I COULDN'T GIVE UP MY FIRST-BORN CHILD.

I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD HIM, HER, IT YET.

FINE, FINE, FINE. WELL, SEE YA.

[CRYING]

TELL YOU WHAT.

I'M A SPORTING MAN.

I'LL MAKE THIS A CHALLENGE,

A CONTEST, A GAME.

YOU GOT 24 HOURS TO FIND OUT MY NAME.

IF YOU CAN GUESS IT,

YOU KEEP YOUR FIRST-BORN.

BUT IF YOU CAN'T NAME ME,

THE CHILD IS MOURN,

UH, MINE, WHATEVER.

UH, SO, ALL I DO IS FIND OUT YOUR NAME,

AND I GET THE GOLD AND I CAN KEEP MY FIRST-BORN CHILD.

YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.

FINE. NOW WATCH ME WORK.

♪ STRAW INTO GOLD

♪ ALL DONE BY A LITTLE THING ♪

♪ CALLED

♪ MAGIC

THAT WAS FANTASTIC.

UH, CAN I HAVE YOUR CARD

IN CASE I NEED YOU FOR A PARTY OR SOMETHING?

NICE TRY.

FINDING OUT MY NAME ISN'T GONNA BE THAT EASY,

BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE.

IT'S NOT IN THERE.

[ELF CACKLES]

[ELF CACKLES]

I DON'T SEE A RING ON YOUR FINGER.

SO, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T MARRY THE KING.

I'D LIKE TO MARRY HIM,

BUT I CAN'T, KNOWING THAT, ONE DAY, AN UGLY LITTLE MAN

WOULD TAKE AWAY MY FIRST CHILD.

HOW'D YOU GET OUT OF THE DUNGEON?

I CALLED THE GUARD TO SHOW HIM THE GOLD.

I ALSO SHOWED HIM THE TIGERS,

HE SAW THINGS MY WAY.

YOU'RE ON THE LAM.

IF THEY CATCH ME, I'LL HAVE TO MARRY THE KING.

AND IF YOU DON'T FIND OUT THE LITTLE GUY'S NAME--

THAT TROLL WILL LAY CLAIM TO MY FIRST-BORN CHILD.

IN 18 HOURS.

WILL YOU TAKE THE CASE?

THE RIGHT ANSWER FOR DAMES LIKE YOU IS USUALLY NO.

BESIDES, I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

WHEN THE LITTLE MAN DISAPPEARED, HE LEFT THIS.

A RACING FORM.

WILL YOU HELP ME?

SURE, I'LL HELP YOU, SWEETHEART.

BUT WHO'S GOING TO HELP US?

[SIREN]

THERE THEY ARE. LET'S GO, MEN!

UNH! UNH! OOH!

YIKES! YIKES!

HUH?

OK, WE'RE GOING IN.

OH, NO!

ALL RIGHT, SHOVEL, YOU'RE COMIN'--

YIKES! YIKES!

WHERE'D THEY GO?

LIEUTENANT, OVER THERE.

I SHOULD'VE GUESSED!

EVERY TWO-BIT GUMSHOE AND PASTRY CHEF IN THE VILLAGE

KNOWS THIS OLD TRICK.

WE LOST THEM, HUH, SIR?

MAYBE NOT.

I GOT A HUNCH.

[CRUNCH]

[TRUMPETS PLAY CALL TO THE POST]

AND THEY'RE OFF.

[MEOWING]

CAN YOU SEE THE LITTLE MAN ANYWHERE?

NO, BUT WHEN I DO, I'M REALLY GONNA LET HIM HAVE IT.

SAM, YOU'RE SO DEDICATED.

DEDICATED NOTHING.

I PUT 2 BUCKS DOWN ON THAT TABBY

HE CIRCLED IN THE RACING FORM.

[GIGGLES] MAYBE WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE.

THE LITTLE GUY'S BOUND TO SHOW UP.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING.

[POLICE WHISTLE][GASPS]

HEY.

GETTING THE HECK OUT OF HERE.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING.

-WHOA! -AAH!

WHOA!

HEY!

AHH!

[GRUNTING]

SAM.

WE'LL TAKE THE TUNNEL. LET'S GO.

OOF! OHH!

SAM, IT'S SO DARK.

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, SWEETHEART.

IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS, WE'LL BE OUTSIDE AND HOME FREE.

YOU CARE TO BET ON THAT, SHOVEL?

A SPOTLIGHT! A SPOTLIGHT!

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE PERFORMANCE, SHOVEL?

OHH!

SAM!

HO HO, HA HA HA HA!

SAM SHOVEL, TOUGH GUY, PRIVATE EYE,

HE USED TO BE A JAZZ SINGER,

PRETTY GOOD, TOO,

UNTIL THAT ONE NIGHT A FEW YEARS BACK AT RICK'S PLACE.

REMEMBER, SHOVEL?

THEY WERE A TOUGH CROWD.

SHRINERS.

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

SINCE THAT NIGHT, I CAN'T STAND TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT.

OH, NO, SAM. NOT STAGE FRIGHT!

[GULPS]

YOU HEARTLESS BRUTE.

THANKS, DOLL.

HEY, SINCE YOU LIKE ME SO MUCH,

I'M SURE YOU WON'T MIND IF I TAKING YOU BACK TO THE PALACE.

HOSE OFF, COPPER! SHE HAPPENS TO BE MY CLIENT.

SHE IS? WELL, THEN YOU CAN COME WITH HER.

ACTUALLY, SHE'S NOT OFFICIALLY MY CLIENT.

NO MONEY HAS EXCHANGED HANDS.

DID THE COPS HURT YOU?

THOSE FLATPAWS!

THEY TRIED THE USUAL BRUTAL TACTICS,

BUT THEY DIDN'T GET A THING OUT OF ME.

COULD YOU CHECK THIS--

IT TOTALS YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBERS

YOUR SECRET HIDING PLACE FOR MARBLES AND BULLETS,

AND YOUR MOTHER'S RECIPE FOR NOODLE KUGEL.

THAT'S TWO TEASPOONS OF CINNAMON.

THANKS.

WELL, THEY HOLLERED AT ME!

SAM, YOU'VE GOT TO FIND OUT THAT LITTLE GUY'S NAME.

THE KING SCHEDULED THE WEDDING FOR 9:00 TONIGHT.

9:00--THE DWARF'S DEADLINE.

I'LL GET THE GUY JUST LIKE THAT.

DID SOMEONE NOT MENTION MY NAME?

YOU GNARLED LITTLE GNOME,

WHAT'S YOUR STINKING NAME, YOU TROLL?!

AHH! TAKE IT EASY!

LAY OFF!

LADY, YOU NEED THERAPY.

SO, DETECTIVE. I SEE YOU'VE FALLEN FOR THE BLONDE.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO'S TAKING THE FALL AROUND HERE, SHORTY.

IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER,

I'D THINK THAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME.

I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU STAND FOR.

YOU ARE STANDING, AREN'T YOU?

YOU SEEM PRETTY SURE OF YOURSELF.

WHY DON'T WE UP THE ANTE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU GUESS MY NAME,

I'LL NEVER BOTHER THE BLONDE AGAIN.

I KNOW YOUR WEAKNESS, SHOV.

IF YOU DON'T GUESS MY NAME,

YOU DO THE LATE SHOW AT RICK'S PLACE.

HA HA HA!

THE SPOTLIGHT...

WILL BE ALL YOURS.

YOU GOT A DEAL.

NO, SAM!

YOU GOT MORE GUTS THAN I THOUGHT.

YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED, CREEP.

YOUR NAME'S MY GAME.

DIG THIS, SHOVEL.

IN 12 HOURS, I'LL BE PICKING OUT BABY FURNITURE,

AND YOU'LL BE DYING OF STAGE FRIGHT.

[CACKLES]

[GASPS]

I HATE THAT LITTLE GUY.

I TALKED TO EVERY STOOLIE FROM HERE TO HONOLULU

ABOUT THE MYSTERY OF THAT LITTLE TROLL'S NAME.

THE INVESTIGATION LED ME TO A STRANGE PLACE

FULL OF PEOPLE WHO FOUND AN ALTERNATIVE

TO DEALING WITH LIFE.

YOU EVER SEEN THIS GUY?

INDEED, CAPTAIN.

YOU KNOW HIS NAME?

UH, NEGATIVE, SIR.

BUT I WAS AT A PARTY AT HIS PLACE ONCE.

FASCINATING THING.

NOBODY THERE SEEMED TO KNOW HIS NAME,

BUT HERE'S HIS ADDRESS.

[PIANO PLAYING]

♪ OH, THE KING'S FIRST-BORN WILL SOON BE MINE ♪

♪ JUST AS SURE AS THE SUN DOES SHINE ♪

♪ I'LL SOON HAVE ME SOME ROYAL KIN ♪

♪ OR MY NAME ISN'T RUMPELSTILTSKIN ♪

HA HA HA HA HA!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN! YEAH!

YOU KNOW, THAT COULD BE HIM.

TIME TO PLAY THE NAME GAME.

PACKAGE FOR YOU. SIGN HERE.

"GNARLED DWARF ENTERPRISES"?

IT'S MY COMPANY'S NAME, SEE.

FULLY LEGAL, I ASSURE YOU.

CRAFTY.

[CRASH]

THE LITTLE GUY WAS SMART,

BUT SOONER OR LATER, VANITY WOULD BE HIS UNDOING.

HA HA HA HA!

I THINK I GOT HIM.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I'M SORRY I'M LATE. REALLY SORRY.

ACTUALLY, YOU'RE TWO MINUTES EARLY.

SORRY.

THIS BETTER BE GOOD, SHOVEL.

DRAGGING ME DOWN HERE RIGHT BEFORE THE ROYAL WEDDING.

I HOPE YOU LIKE HALVA.

IT'LL DO.

THIS BETTER BE GOOD, SHOVEL.

JUST A LITTLE DINNER PARTY WITH A SURPRISE ENDING.

THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD, SHOVEL.

I THINK IT WILL BE, SIRE.

SAM, IN FIVE MINUTES THE DEAL WILL BE FINAL

AND THE DWARF WILL GET MY KID.

I KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, MR. SHOVEL, WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT, ANYWAY?

I'VE INVITED YOU HERE BECAUSE I HAVE THE ANSWER

TO THE MOST PRESSING QUESTION OF THE DAY.

YOU MEAN, WHY DO THEY IT CALL "SHIPMENT"

WHEN IT GOES BY CAR

AND "CARGO" WHEN IT GOES BY SHIP?

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

NO. I MEAN, WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS MAN?

I SEE THIS IS AN A-LIST PARTY, SHOVEL.

THANKS FOR THE INVITE.

WELL, HONEY, YOUR TIME LIMIT'S ABOUT UP.

YOU READY TO TELL HIS EXCELLENCY

ABOUT OUR LITTLE DEAL?

DEAL?

THAT'S RIGHT, CROWN TOP. THIS DAME YOU'RE ABOUT TO MARRY

PROMISED ME HER FIRST-BORN CHILD.

WHAT?

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY SHE COULD GET HIM

TO SPIN THAT STRAW INTO GOLD.

[ALL GASP]

THAT'S WHY SHE RAN FROM THE DUNGEON.

SHE WOULD RATHER FACE YOUR ROYAL WRATH

THAN GIVE HER CHILD TO THIS MINIATURE EXTORTIONIST.

All: AWW!

I GAVE HER AN OUT.

ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS GUESS MY NAME IN 24 HOURS.

GRANTED NO ONE'S BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT IN 2,500 YEARS.

THERE'S STILL TIME LEFT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU STILL GOT 10 SECONDS.

ANYBODY CARE TO MAKE A LAST MINUTE GUESS?

CALVIN?

UH, STING.

OSCAR LEVANT?

BOND. JAMES BOND?

[YAWNS]

LIEUTENANT LOUIS?

[SNORING]

YOUNG ABE LINCOLN?

SORRY.

WELL, I GUESS YOU LOSE.

NOT SO FAST...

RUMPELSTILSKIN.

[RINGING]

DARN!

SAM, YOU DID IT! YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

HOW DID YOU DO IT?

YOUR VANITY WAS YOUR UNDOING.

WELL, RUMPELSTILSKIN,

YOU'RE COMING DOWNTOWN WITH ME.

WE'VE BEEN AFTER THIS CHARACTER FOR SOME TIME.

HE TRAVELS FROM KINGDOM TO KINGDOM

TURNING STRAW INTO GOLD

AND DESTABILIZING CURRENCY MARKETS.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU CAN'T CHANGE STRAW INTO GOLD.

YOU'VE SHOWN THE RARE QUALITY OF COMPASSION.

I STILL WANT YOU AS MY QUEEN.

ONE MINUTE, YOUR MAJESTY.

BABY, I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

IF YOU DON'T GO WITH THE KING,

YOU'LL REGRET IT,

MAYBE NOT NOW, BUT SOON.

AND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

BUT, SAM--

'TIS A FAR, FAR BETTER THING I DO

THAN I'VE EVER DONE BEFORE.

I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, SAM.

OH, AUNTIE EM, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.

SAM, YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

YOU'RE INCOMPARABLE.

YOU'RE IN...

IN A SPOTLIGHT!

YOU'VE CONQUERED YOUR STAGE FRIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I GUESS BEING NOBLE WILL DO THAT FOR A GUY.

WHAT A GUY.

I'M HONORED TO HAVE KNOWN HIM.

I'M SORRY TO SEE HIM GO.

REALLY SORRY.

A REAL MENSCH.

IF I HAD TO GET BUSTED, I'M GLAD IT WAS HIM WHAT DID IT.

I WONDER WHAT FATE HAS IN STORE FOR SAM SHOVEL?

HMM?

Sam: THE ROAST'S PERFECT.

SOUP'S ON!

YAY! ALL RIGHT!

SAVE ME A RARE PIECE!

YEAH!

-WOW! -I SHOULD SAY SO.

CATNIP OF...

NO, MARK. NO!

I WILL NOT MAKE A GUEST APPEARANCE

ON THE GOLDEN GIRLS.

I'M TALKING TO MY AGENT.

I'M NOT GONNA DO IT!

BECAUSE I DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE

ESTELLE GETTY'S MOTHER, THAT'S WHY.

THAT'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR ALF'S MAILBAG.

LET'S CANVAS THE CANVAS.

OUR FIRST LETTER IS FROM A LESLIE PODKIN--

[TELEPHONE RINGS] OF...

HELLO?

MARK!

IF YOU SO MUCH AS MENTION THE WORD "GOLDEN..."

OH, YOU CAN MENTION THE WORD "GIRLS."

ESTELLE GETTY'S MOTHER PALS AROUND WITH GLORIA ESTEFAN?

MARK, BABY, I LOVE YA!

HOLD ON.

THAT'S ALF'S MAILBAG FOR THIS WEEK.

SEE YA NEXT TIME.

LET'S TALK LOVE SCENES.

YEAH.

NO KIDDING.

♪ GORDON, SEND US

♪ OH, SEND US

♪ INTO OUTER SPACE

♪ OUTER SPACE

♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪

♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE

♪ TEACH US, GORDON...

HA! I KILL ME!