Original subtitles

WITH...

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

HI.

TODAY'S ALF TALE IS ABOUT A YOUNG WOMAN

WITH AN AMAZING HEAD OF HAIR--

NO, NOT WHITNEY HOUSTON--

I'M TALKING ABOUT A GIRL NAMED RAPUNZEL,

WHOSE FLOWING TRESSES

GET HER IN A HEAP OF TROUBLE.

ALL DONE, MR. SHUMWAY.

AAH!

YOU'RE NEW AROUND HERE.

YOU SEE, I'VE GOT THIS LOOK I TRY TO MAINTAIN.

MR. SHUMWAY, THIS CUT IS THE LATEST.

YOU LOOK OUT OF THIS WORLD.

I'M FROM OUT OF THIS WORLD.

IT'S A GOOD THING I'M NOT IN THIS SHOW

UNTIL THE SECOND SCENE.

WARDROBE! GET ME A BIG HAT!

[RAP BEAT PLAYING]

THAT'S THE W.I.T.C.H. EVENING NEWS,

I AM THE WITCH,

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS

BECAUSE I SAY SO.

STAY TUNED FOR DESIGNING WITCHES

FOLLOWED BY THE TRACEY ULLWITCH SHOW

AND THE NEW SHOW

THAT HAS THE CRITICS RAVING--WITCHYSOMETHING.

YOU'RE WATCHING W.I.T.C.H., WITCH TV

BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING ELSE ON...

EVER.

I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE TO WATCH.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, RAPUNZEL.

THE WITCH OWNS EVERY TELEVISION STATION.

OH, LOOK! A NEW COMMERCIAL.

IS YOUR HAIR DULL AND LIFELESS?

THEN TRY NEW WITCHES' BREW SHAMPOO.

ITS GENTLE FORMULA OF NATURAL MOISTURIZERS AND GOOK

WILL LEAVE YOUR HAIR SO SHINY, SO LIVELY,

SO BOUNCY.

WITCHES' BREW SHAMPOO--

IT WASHES LIFE IN AND INSECT LARVAE OUT.

SO GO BUY SOME NOW!

OH, DAUGHTER, I WISH WE COULD AFFORD

TO BUY YOU NICE THINGS LIKE SHAMPOO.

AS IT IS, WE CAN'T EVEN AFFORD FOOD.

THAT'S OK, MOTHER.

I WOULDN'T USE THAT STUFF

EVEN IF THE WITCH LOCKED ME IN A TOWER

A HUNDRED STORIES UP WITH NO WAY OUT.

SAY, IT'S NEARLY TIME FOR OUR FAVORITE GAME SHOW.

THE ONE, THE ONLY...

WITCH-O!

IF WE COULD ONLY GET ON YOU BET THE WITCH,

MAYBE WE'D WIN THE JACKPOT.

WE COULD WIN A STEREO SYSTEM,

OR A BOAT, OR MAYBE EVEN SOME FOOD.

I THINK WE SHOULD APPLY TO BE CONTESTANTS.

I AGREE.

AFTER ALL, WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO LOSE?

NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.

MADAM, HERE'S THE LATEST BUNCH OF APPLICANTS

FOR THE GAME SHOW.

STUPID MORON.

UGLY...

WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

LOOK AT THAT HAIR.

DISGUSTING, ISN'T IT?

DON'T POINT YOUR HEAD AT ME, MAX.

THE GLARE IS BLINDING.

YES, MADAM. I WILL SAND IT AT ONCE.

NOTIFY THIS FAMILY THAT THEY CAN APPEAR ON THE SHOW IMMEDIATELY.

WITH A GIRL LIKE THAT,

I'LL MAKE WITCH'S BREW SHAMPOO NUMBER ONE

IN THE KINGDOM.

WE WILL CONTINUE WITH 101 HOURS

OF 101 STRINGS IN A MOMENT.

THIS IS W.I.T.C.H.-- RAP-FREE RADIO.

[TURNS RADIO DIAL]

WE'LL CONTINUE WITH 101 HOURS

OF 101 STRINGS IN A MOMENT.

THIS IS W.I.T.C.H.-- RAP-FREE RADIO.

DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL OR TOUCH THAT DIAL.

IT WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

RAP-FREE RADIO.

I'D LIKE TO OFFER THAT WITCH

A LITTLE RAP OF MY OWN.

I'LL NEVER GET TO HEAR ANY RAP MUSIC.

DAD, SHE CONTROLS EVERY TV AND RADIO STATION

IN THE KINGDOM.

WELL, SON, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

SOON SHE'LL START BUYING NEWSPAPERS AND STORES,

AND SHE'LL OWN EVERYTHING.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE A LAW TO STOP HER?

NOW, YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE TO INTERFERE

IN GOVERNMENT.

DAD, YOU ARE THE GOVERNMENT.

OH, MY.

WELL, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

CREATE AN ORGANIZATION THAT WILL END THE WITCH'S MONOPOLY.

A SOME SORT OF COMMISSION.

A COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION.

A FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION.

MY STARS!

YOUR STARS, SIRE.

THE MOON IS IN THE 7th HOUSE.

AND JUPITER IS IN THE 4th HOUSE.

AND MICHAEL LANDON IS IN LITTLE HOUSE.

THE STARS SAY IT'S A BAD TIME TO DO ANYTHING,

AS USUAL.

WELL, THAT'S IT, THEN.

[BEEP BEEP]

SAY, MICKEY SAYS IT'S TIME FOR MY FAVORITE GAME SHOW.

SIT DOWN, SON.

DAD, I THINK THIS IS A LITTLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN...

MOVE OVER.

WELL, YOU'RE A LOVELY FAMILY,

AND I'VE ENJOYED CHATTING,

BUT IT'S TIME TO PLAY YOU BET THE WITCH.

I ASSUME YOU'VE ALL READ THE RULES OF OUR GAME.

WHA--I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT.

NO, NO. I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT.

THAT'S DANDY.

ANSWER THE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY,

AND YOU COULD WIN... MAXIMUN?

ENOUGH FOOD AND WATER TO STAY ALIVE, WITCH-O.

WONDERFUL.

HERE WE GO.

REMEMBER, SAY THE SECRET WORD

AND WIN A YEAR'S SUPPLY

OF WITCH'S BREW SHAMPOO.

HERE'S YOUR FIRST QUESTION--

COMPARE AND CONTRAST FRANCE DURING THE NAPOLEONIC ERA

WITH THE AMERICAN CONFEDERACY DURING THE CIVIL WAR.

[BUZZER]

THE ANSWER'S 17. NEXT QUESTION.

WHAT DO I HAVE IN THIS BOX?

[TICKING]

[BUZZER]

TIME'S UP.

NOTHING.

LAST QUESTION.

WHO'S ALWAYS RIGHT-- EBERT OR SISKEL?

UH, EBERT.

WRONG.

THE ANSWER'S SISKEL.

WELL, WHAT HAVE THEY LOST, MAXIMUN?

WITCH-O, THEY MUST FORFEIT ONE DAUGHTER

WITH LONG, LUXURIOUS, NATURALLY-SHINY HAIR.

AAH!

RAPUNZEL!

YOU WITCH!

THAT'S THE SECRET WORD!

AND THERE'S YOUR YEAR'S SUPPLY

OF WITCH'S BREW SHAMPOO.

I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE, WITCH-O.

GOOD NIGHT.

POOR RAPUNZEL.

MEAN OLD WITCH.

OBLIVIOUS DAD.

[SOBBING]

I'LL NEVER SEE MY FAMILY AGAIN.

OK, RAPUNZEL.

WE'RE READY.

WAIT FOR YOUR CUE.

OK.

IN 5, 4, 3, 2...

NEW IMPROVED WITCH'S BREW SHAMPOO

WILL MAKE YOUR HAIR LONG, LONG, LONG,

AND STRONG, STRONG, STRONG. WATCH.

RAPUNZEL, RAPUNZEL, LET DOWN YOUR HAIR,

THAT I MAY CLIMB THE GOLDEN STAIR.

THAT'S LONG.

NOW WATCH HOW STRONG.

THAT'S THAT RAPUNZEL BABE FROM THE GAME SHOW.

AAH!

HA HA HA!

THE WITCH IS HOLDING HER PRISONER.

WELL, THAT'S HER BUSINESS.

IT'S NOT THE GOVERNMENT'S JOB--

I WISH YOU'D CONJURE UP SOME INTESTINAL FORTITUDE.

WHICH REMINDS ME, SON.

THE DEPARTMENT OF MY INTERIOR

IS FEELING A LITTLE QUEASY.

PARDON ME.

WELL, I'LL BE DARNED

IF I'M GOING TO LET THAT WITCH

HOLD THE AIRWAVES AND RAPUNZEL CAPTIVE.

OH, BODYGUARDS!

ROYAL BODYGUARDS!

WE'RE GOING TO FIND THAT DOLL AND FREE HER

AT ANY COST...

EVEN IF IT TAKES ALL AFTERNOON.

SEE ANYTHING YET?

YEAH, A BEAUTIFUL SWIRLING DESIGN OF GEOMETRIC PATTERNS

AND MANY COLORS.

WHAT?

THIS IS A KALEIDOSCOPE.

I NEVER SAID IT WASN'T.

♪ I'M LOCKED UP IN A TOWER ♪

♪ WITH NO WAY OUT

♪ AND I WISH THAT THERE WAS SOMEONE TO HEAR ME SHOUT ♪

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

HELP! HELP!

DO YOU HEAR THAT? IT'S RAP MUSIC!

S-S-SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S IN TROUBLE.

YEAH, LIKE MAYBE A CERTAIN LONG-HAIRED SHUT-IN

WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

COME ON.

♪ AND I WISH THAT THERE WAS SOMEONE TO HEAR ME SHOUT ♪

♪ TO HEAR ME SH-SH-SH-SH

♪ HEAR ME SHOUT

AAH! LET ME OUT!

I WANT MY MOMMY!

HELP!

NO PROBLEM, OH YE OF LENGTHY LOCKS.

I AM HERE TO SAVE YOU AND TO ROCK YOU.

[BEATBOX PLAYS]

♪ RAPUNZEL, RAPUNZEL, LET DOWN YOUR HAIR ♪

♪ THAT I MAY CLIMB THE GOLDEN STAIR ♪

♪ YOU'RE IN THE WITCH'S POWER ♪

♪ SHE LOCKS YOU IN HER TOWER ♪

♪ WITH SHAMPOO IN THE SHOWER ♪

♪ AND ALL THAT HAIR

♪ YOU'RE A HUNDRED FLIGHTS ABOVE ME ♪

♪ BUT NO ONE HAS TO SHOVE ME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU WILL LOVE ME ♪

♪ WHEN I CLIMB UP THERE ♪

♪ R-R-RAPUN R-R-R-R-PUN ♪

♪ RAPUNZ

♪ RAPUNZEL, RAPUNZEL, LET DOWN YOUR HAIR ♪

♪ THAT I MAY CLIMB THE GOLDEN STAIR ♪

♪ THE GOLDEN STAIR

♪ G-G-G-G-GOLDEN, GOLDEN STAIR ♪

♪ THE GOLDEN STAIR

AH! OK!

HOME, BOYS.

OK. HOME, BOYS.

HERE I COME, PUNZIE.

I HOPE YOUR ROOTS RUN DEEP.

YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR LANDLORD

ABOUT FIXING THE ELEVATOR.

YOU OK?

I'M GETTING USED TO IT.

SO, WHO ARE YOU, CUTE AND ADORABLE STRANGER?

I AM THE PRINCE OF THE LAND.

I SAW YOU ON TV AND VOWED TO SAVE YOU.

GOOD VOW! GOOD VOW!

WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO RAP?

WE POOR KIDS COULDN'T AFFORD INSTRUMENTS,

SO WE LEARNED HOW TO RAP.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

WE RICH KIDS ALWAYS THOUGHT

YOU POOR KIDS WERE SO COOL.

SO WE STARTED RAPPING IN-BETWEEN PIANO LESSONS.

WELL, YOU RAP DEF AND COOL.

OH, NO. YOU, YOU'RE THE RAP MASTER.

I'D LIKE TO HEAR YOU RAP ALL DAY LONG.

ALL LIFE LONG.

IN FACT, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

WELL, SEEING AS HOW MY PROSPECTS ARE SLIM,

AND YOU ARE THE MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR

IN THE KINGDOM, NOT TO MENTION A HUNK AND A HALF...

SURE!

WHAT THE HECK. OK.

GREAT! JUST STAY PUT.

I'LL BE BACK REAL SOON WITH A LADDER.

SO, COULD YOU-- YOU KNOW, RAPUNZEL...

OH, RAPUNZEL...

RIGHT. OF COURSE.

GIVE ME A DRAMATIC CLOSE-UP.

THE PRINCE AND RAPUNZEL CAN'T GET AWAY WITH THIS.

I'LL GET THE PRINCE FOR MYSELF.

I WILL. AND THEN HIS KINGDOM WILL BE MINE.

ALL THAT'S STANDING IN MY WAY IS THAT BRAT RAPUNZEL.

BUT I DON'T SEE A PROBLEM THERE.

HA HA HA!

♪ RAPUNZEL, RAPUNZEL, YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND ♪

♪ NOW ALL YOU NEED IS A GOOD CREAM RINSE ♪

♪ CREAM RINSE, CREAM RINSE ♪

HELLO, MY BEAUTY.

HAD ANY VISITORS LATELY?

I'M NOT JOKING, HAIRY.

PERHAPS THIS WILL JOG YOUR MEMORY.

ISN'T THAT ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE

OF KNOTS-IN-MY-HAIR LANDING?

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE DROPPED YOUR HAIR

FOR ANYONE BUT ME.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME, WITCH.

I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!

ACTUALLY, YOU DID ME A BIG FAVOR.

WITHOUT YOUR HELP,

I NEVER WOULD HAVE FIGURED OUT A WAY

TO MAKE THE PRINCE MINE,

GET RID OF THE KING,

AND TAKE OVER THE ENTIRE KINGDOM!

HA HA! AHEM.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH ME?

LET'S JUST CONSIDER THIS--

A CLOSE SHAVE.

OH, GOOD.

A VERY CLOSE SHAVE.

A-HA! A-HA HA!

AAH!

♪ RAPUNZEL, RAPUNZEL, LET DOWN YOUR HAIR ♪

♪ THAT I MAY CLIMB ET CETERA ♪

HI, THERE, DREAM THING.

WHERE'S RAPUNZEL?

I SENT HER ON A NICE NATURE STROLL

THROUGH DEVIL'S FOREST.

SHE'LL BE LOST FOREVER.

DO YOU THINK I'M HEARTLESS?

THERE'S AN EXCELLENT CHANCE

SHE'LL BE EATEN BY WILD ANIMALS.

RAPUNZEL.

OH, FORGET ABOUT HER.

WHAT HAS SHE GOT THAT I HAVEN'T GOT?

CERTAINLY NOT HAIR.

MARRY ME, SNOOKUMS.

WITH MY PROPERTY

AND YOUR ROYALTY, WE'LL RULE THE KINGDOM.

MARRY YOU?

YOU'RE PUTRID, SLIMY, AND EVIL.

I'LL GROW ON YOU.

LIKE RINGWORM.

I'M OFF TO FIND MY TRUE LOVE.

WAIT!

NO MAN DUMPS ME.

ACTUALLY, EVERY MAN DUMPS ME,

BUT I GET ALWAYS GET BACK AT THEM.

WHOA!

THAT WILL TEACH YOU! AH HA! AH HA!

OH, I'VE GOT TO GET A LIFE.

OHH!

MY GLASSES!

I'M BLIND WITHOUT THEM.

HELP ME!

SOMEBODY!

I'VE GOT TO FIND RAPUNZEL.

RAPUNZEL!

RAPUNZEL!

RAPUNZEL?

ARRGH!

NOT RAPUNZEL.

♪ RAPUNZEL, RAPUNZEL, YOU NEED A MAP ♪

♪ THE WITCH SET YOU UP ON A BUM RAP ♪

♪ RAPUNZEL, RAPUNZEL, YOU'RE IN DESPAIR ♪

♪ YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, AND YOU'RE OUT OF HAIR ♪

RAPUNZEL!

PRINCE.

HERE, PRINCE.

MY HAIR!

I CAN'T LET HIM SEE ME LIKE THIS!

I'M COMING.

IS THAT YOU, RAPUNZEL?

OH, NO! IT'S ME, IRMA THE TALKING TREE.

YOU SOUND JUST LIKE MY BELOVED

AND BAD RAPPER SWEETHEART RAPUNZEL.

WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU ACT LIKE YOU CAN'T SEE A THING,

NOT EVEN A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT.

THE WITCH DROPPED ME FROM HER TOWER

AND BROKE MY GLASSES.

OH, MY POOR DARLING.

IRMA, I HARDLY KNOW YOU.

IT'S ME, RAPUNZEL.

RAPUNZEL THANK GOODNESS I'VE FOUND YOU!

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

OHH!

OOH! SORRY, IRMA.

THIS IS TERRIBLE!

YOU CAN'T SEE,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE,

AND WE'RE DOOMED!

DON'T CRY, MY SWEET.

CRY, WOMAN!

CRY YOUR LITTLE HEART OUT.

I CAN SEE!

YOUR TEARS HAVE GIVEN ME PERFECT VISION.

OH, THAT.

IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

OUR TEARS HAVE CORRECTED VISION FOR GENERATIONS.

EYE DOCTORS HATE US.

OH, MY HAIR!

NO. IT'S ALL RIGHT. LOOK!

AH HA!

WE'VE GOT TO STOP THE WITCH

BEFORE SHE TAKES OVER EVERYTHING.

I'VE BEEN THINKING.

COULDN'T YOU CREATE SOME SORT OF...

Both: FEDERALCOMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION?

I KNOW, BUT MY DAD WON'T DO IT.

WE'LL HAVE TO GO RIGHT TO THE PEOPLE.

RIGHT ON.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE!

♪ THE PEOPLE HAVE THE POWER ♪

♪ TO STOP THE WITCH'S TOWER ♪

♪ FROM GROWING BY THE HOUR ♪

♪ AND WE WON'T LOSE

♪ TO GET THE KING'S PERMISSION ♪

♪ TO MAKE A NEW COMMISSION ♪

♪ AND START A NEW TRADITION ♪

♪ THE RIGHT TO CHOO-CHOO ♪

♪ CHOO-CHOO

♪ CH-CH-CHOO

♪ CH-CH-CHOOSE

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

WELL, THERE THEY GO AGAIN.

WELL, YOU FOUGHT LONG AND HARD,

AND YOUR KING HAS HEARD YOU.

I HEREBY DECREE THAT THE WITCH MAY OWN

JUST ONE LOCAL TV STATION.

I ALSO PROCLAIM THE FORMATION

OF THREE TV NETWORKS.

PLEASE MEET THE HEADS OF THESE NETWORKS.

BRANDON TARTERBLANK.

BRANDON STUBBORN.

AND JUST PLAIN BRANDON.

AND FINALLY, WELL, I ANNOUNCE THE FORMATION

OF THE FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION

TO MAKE SURE THAT NOBODY EVER TRIES

TO TAKE CONTROL OF TV OR RADIO AGAIN.

[CHEERING]

I'M RUINED.

MAX, I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP NOW.

YES, MADAM.

[SCREAMING]

THE NEW COMMISSION HAS COME UP

WITH A FEW RULES AND REGULATIONS.

♪ RAPUNZEL, RAPUNZEL

♪ LET DOWN THE RULES

♪ SO THOSE IN CHARGE WON'T LOOK LIKE FOOLS ♪

HO HO HO.

OOF.

THANKS TO THE NEW RULES,

FROM NOW ON TV WILL BE ENTERTAINING,

EDUCATIONAL, AND HIGH QUALITY

FOREVER!

HEY, POSTAL GEISTS.

IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER LETTER FROM THE MAILBAG.

"DEAR ALF, I'M 6 MONTHS OLD AND FILLED WITH DESPAIR.

"WHEN I TRY TO MAKE CONVERSATION WITH MY PEERS,

"THEY SPIT UP.

"AND THEY CERTAINLY DON'T

"SHARE MY ENTHUSIASM FOR BARYSHNIKOV.

"MY PARENTS ARE NO BETTER.

"LAST WEEK I GREETED THEM IN LATIN,

"THEY RAN IN HORROR AND CALLED IN AN EXORCIST.

"HERE'S MY QUESTION--

"I'VE DISCOVERED A THEORETICAL WAY

"TO BRIDGE TIME AND SPACE.

"SHOULD I TELL THE WORLD,

"OR AM I JUST ASKING FOR TROUBLE?

SIGNED WITTY BITTY BABY."

DEAR WITTY,

NOBODY LIKES A SMART-MOUTH KID.

I'VE GOT LOTS TO OFFER, TOO,

LIKE HOW TO SUCK THE CREAM OUT OF A TWINKIE

WITHOUT OPENING THE PACKAGE,

BUT THE WORLD JUST ISN'T READY FOR CERTAIN CONCEPTS.

BEFORE YOU DISCOVER THE FOURTH DIMENSION,

DISCOVER THE POTTY.

WELL, THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TIME AND SPACE FOR.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

BABY.

♪ GORDON, SEND US

♪ OH, SEND US

♪ INTO OUTER SPACE

♪ OUTER SPACE

♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪

♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE

♪ TEACH US, GORDON...

HA! I KILL ME!