Original subtitles

WITH...

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

WELL, CLORISSA,

I THINK WE CAN FIND YOU A SMALL PART IN THIS PICTURE.

REALLY? OH, MR. SKIP.

PLEASE, CALL ME SKIPPO.

WE'LL TALK LATER ABOUT AN AUDITION.

YOU'RE ON, SKIP!

TODAY'S EPISODE IS ENTITLED

THE ALADDIN BROTHERS AND THEIR LAMP.

AS THE STAR OF THE STORY--

SORRY I'M LATE. I WAS TAKING A NAP.

I THOUGHT I SET MY ALARM CLOCK.

YOU DID, BOY, BUT I TURNED IT OFF.

YOU TURNED IT OFF?

I'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT YOU, BOY.

YOU'VE BEEN WORKING TOO HARD.

OK, ST. SKIPPY, SIT DOWN.

ZIGGY AND ROY ALADDIN

TOOK THEIR SONG-AND-DANCE ACT

ALL OVER AMERICA.

WHEN THEY PERFORMED, AUDIENCES WENT CRAZY.

SO THE ALADDIN BROTHERS WENT TO EUROPE

WHERE THEY TURNED OUT TO BE IN GREAT DEMAND.

THE ALADDINS DECIDED TO RUN FOR COVER--

I MEAN, HEAD FOR THE MAGIC MYSTICAL MIDDLE EAST.

THE ALADDIN BROTHERS FIGHT SOMETIMES,

BUT THROUGH IT ALL THEY STICK TOGETHER.

DEEP DOWN EACH KNOWS THE OTHER

WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM,

A LOT LIKE SKIP AND ME.

ON THE BUTTON, BOSOM BUDDY.

SPEAKING OF THAT, PAL,

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT A FRIEND OF MINE.

SHE'S A VERY PROMISING ACTRESS,

IMMENSELY TALENTED.

OLIVIER CALLED HER A GENIUS.

OH, SKIPPY, THANKS EVER SO

FOR GIVING ME THIS RAD PART.

LOOK OUT MERYL STREEP.

OH. OH, WATER.

WATER. WATER.

"LET'S GO TO THE MIDDLE EAST," YOU SAID.

"DESERT CLIMATE," YOU SAID.

"FRESH AIR," YOU SAID.

WHY, I OUGHT TO...

DID YOU SAY, "WATER?"

WHERE? WHERE?

GET A GRIP. THERE'S NO WATER HERE.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, I HEARD THAT PEOPLE ARE 97% WATER.

I'M GOING TO WRING YOU OUT INTO A GLASS.

WHOA!

WHOA! WHOA!

UGH!

AAH!

UMPH!

UNH!

NOW I KNOW I'M GOING HEAT-HAPPY.

IT'S 120 DEGREES,

AND I'VE GOT ON A CAMEL-HAIR SWEATER.

[GRRR]

THAT'S NO CARDIGAN, MAN.

THAT'S SOMEBODY'S DROMEDARY.

REFRESH YOURSELVES, MY FRIENDS.

YEAH! YEAH!

AH! AH!

[BURPS]

FRIEND, YOU SAVED OUR LIVES.

WE'RE THE ALADDIN BROTHERS,

ZIGGY AND ROY.

WE SING, WE DANCE,

WE DELIVER SNAPPY PATTER

WITH A HINT OF WHIMSY.

I AM BUT A LOWLY TRAVELING MAGICIAN.

LOWLY SHMOLLY. WE OWE YOU ONE.

AND THE ALADDIN BROTHERS PAY THEIR DEBTS.

ACTUALLY, THERE IS SOMETHING

YOU CAN DO FOR ME.

IT IS A SIMPLE TASK.

WE'RE REALLY VERY BUSY. ANY OTHER TIME.

I CAN REWARD YOU GENEROUSLY.

TOO HAPPY TO HELP OUT.

ANYTHING WE CAN DO.

[RUMBLING]

YIKES!

HOLD THE PHONE, BLACK STONE.

WHAT'S THAT DOIN' IN THAT DUNE?

BEHIND THIS DOOR THERE IS A CORRIDOR.

AT THE END SITS AN OLD LAMP.

BRING ME THE LAMP, AND THE REWARD IS YOURS.

I SENSE A CATCH.

WHAT CATCH?

DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING IN THE CORRIDOR,

OR YOU'LL DIE... INSTANTLY!

THAT CATCH. THAT CATCH.

THERE IS NO DANGER IF YOU'RE CAREFUL.

PERSONALLY, I'D LOVE TO GO,

BUT WHAT WITH MY OLD TRICK KNEE,

MY OLD TRICK BACK,

MY OLD TRICK--

ENOUGH WITH THE OLD TRICKS, DOUG HENNING.

I'LL GO. I'M THE STAR.

WHOA!

NOW, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS NOT TOUCH THE WALLS

TO COLLECT BIG BUCKS

AND AVOID INSTANT DEATH.

NO PROBLEM.

KITTY BLASTERS. MY FAVORITE.

MAYBE IT'S A TRICK.

ZIGGY,

GIVE YOUR MOTHER A BIG HUG.

SORRY, MOM.

WHA--?

IN THE WORDS OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY--

I'LL TAKE THIS LAMP RIGHT THROUGH THAT GOLDEN DOOR...

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WELL, THAT WAS EASY.

WHA--?

[RUMBLING]

YEOW!

RRARR! AAH! RRARR!

WHOA!

HEY! HAUL ME UP!

HAND ME THE LAMP FIRST.

[THUD]

FIRST WE WANT TO MAKE A NEW DEAL.

WHAT DEAL?

I WILL SEAL THIS DOOR FOREVER.

HE'LL DIE A WRETCHED DEATH.

I DON'T LIKE THAT DEAL.

TAKE THE LAMP.

HE WILL SHRIVEL WITH THIRST,

HE WILL BLOAT WITH HUNGER,

HE WILL FRY.

YOU DON'T SCARE US.

HE SCARES US. HE SCARES US!

VERY WELL...

TRY THIS NEW DEAL.

WELL, I GUESS WE SHOWED HIM.

"LET'S MAKE A NEW DEAL," YOU SAID.

"LET'S NEGOTIATE," YOU SAID.

"HE DOESN'T SCARE US," YOU SAID.

I GOT US THE LAMP, DIDN'T I?

THAT AND A BULLDOZER WILL GET US OUT OF HERE.

SAY, THERE'S WRITING ON THIS THING.

"1. GRASP FIRMLY.

"2. POINT AWAY FROM THE EYES. 3."

SAY, JUNIOR...

HOLD IT. I CAN ALMOST MAKE IT OUT.

IT SAYS, "RUB LAMP AND STAND BACK."

THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU--

PERUSE THOSE PYROTECHNICS.

HERE'S GENIE!

[COUGH COUGH]

NEXT TIME I'LL ASK FOR NONSMOKING.

SAY, FELLA, ARE YOU A GENIE?

NO, CAMEL-BREATH.

I JUST HAVE A VERY TALL BOO-BOO ON MY HEAD.

HA HA.

BOY, YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GLAD TO BE OUT OF THAT LAMP.

I WAS IN THERE FOR A LONG TIME.

Audience: HOW LONG WAS IT?

IT WAS SO LONG

THAT MY VIDEO CLUB LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP EXPIRED...

THREE TIMES.

BUT SERIOUSLY, AN EVIL MAN

IMPRISONED ME MANY YEARS AGO,

AND I THANK YOU FOR SETTING ME FREE.

I NOW MUST FULFILL YOUR EVERY WISH.

I'LL TAKE A BOAT, A CAR, AND A MILLION BUCKS.

EASY ON THE AVARICE, AMIGO.

WE SHOULD SET AN EXAMPLE FOR THE KIDS AT HOME.

OH, YEAH. I'D LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS...

DONATED TO WORTHY CAUSES.

NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

I'D FEEL BETTER IF WE CAN GET

OUT OF THIS HOLE IN THE GROUND.

WE NEED FOOD, LODGING,

AND AN AUDIENCE WITH LOW EXPECTATIONS.

YOU'RE IN LUCK BECAUSE WE ARE NEAR

TO THE WONDROUS AND MYSTICAL CITY OF SIBOYGAN.

HOW DO WE GET THERE?

WELL, YOU TAKE THE SAN DIEGO FREEWAY

TO SLAUSON CUTOFF AND THEN YOU TAKE--

NEVER MIND THE DIRECTIONS.

JUST DO THAT VOODOO THAT YOU DO SO WELL.

ANYTHING YOU SAY, O MASTER.

WHOA! WHOA!

WHOEVER INSTALLED THIS CARPET

SKIMPED ON THE TACKS.

IT COULD USE A LITTLE MORE PADDING.

YEAH. LIKE 35,000 FEET.

THIS IS SOME CRAZY PLACE.

HEY, DIG THE PIED PIPER.

REMINDS ME OF OUR AGENT.

HE'S A BASKET CASE, TOO.

[FANFARE]

WHY RUSH DOWN THE ALLEY, BABA?

THE PRINCESS CASBAH AL BOUDOIR IS COMING.

SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN ALL THE LAND.

AND YOU'RE RUNNING AWAY?

NO COMMONER MAY LOOK UPON THE PRINCESS.

THE PENALTY'S DEATH.

RACE YOU TO KUWAIT.

SO WHO DOES GET TO CAST HIS BABY BLUES

ON THIS ROYAL BABE?

HUNDREDS OF PRINCES LINE UP EVERY DAY

TO BEG FOR HER HAND.

SAY, HOW COME YOU TWO KNOW SO MUCH?

WE'RE THE WRITERS.

WE'D BETTER GET OUT OF SIGHT.

IF SHE LIFTS HER VEIL...

THEY CAN'T DO THAT TO US.

WE'VE GOT THREE SEQUELS LINED UP.

BUT WHY TAKE CHANCES?

WOW.

OH, FOR THE TOUCH OF YOUR HAND.

THE VISE-LIKE TOUCH OF YOUR HAND.

GOING HEAVY ON THE BARBELLS, AREN'T WE, PRECIOUS?

THIS DOG HAS LOOKED UPON THE COUNTENANCE OF THE PRINCESS.

AND THIS IS HIS ACCOMPLICE.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

ANYTHING YOU SAY MAY BE USED AGAINST YOU

BY A GUY WITH A BIG AX.

DO YOU HAVE A LAST REQUEST?

YES.

CAN WE GET THOSE WRITERS BACK IN HERE

TO TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THIS PART OF THE STORY?

"CLOSE THE SHOP," YOU SAID.

"SELL THE HOUSE," YOU SAID.

"BUY A TICKET TO THE MIDEAST," YOU--

HOLD ON, BOSOM BUDDY.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO LOST HIS HEART AND OUR HEADS.

HEY, ROY, LOOKY HERE.

THE LAMP-- OUR TICKET OUT OF HERE.

BUT HOW DO WE GET IT TO US?

HEY, YOU REMEMBER ROUTINE SEVEN?

ROUTINE SEVEN!

OH, YEAH. GOOD IDEA.

IT'S A SHAME THAT OUR CAVE FULL OF TREASURE

IS SITTING THERE UNGUARDED.

SACKS OF GOLD AND PILES OF CASH.

I'D FEEL BETTER IF I KNEW SOMEBODY WAS PROTECTING IT

FROM THIEVES.

MAYBE I CAN HELP.

-MAYBE YOU CAN. -MAYBE YOU CAN.

BUT WE HAVE TO TELL YOU THE SECRET PASSWORD

THAT OPENS THE CAVE DOOR.

HERE'S THE PASSWORD.

PATT-A-CAKE, PATT-A-CAKE, BAKER'S MAN.

KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR AND SIM-SALLE...BAM!

HOW YOU COMING WITH THAT LOCK?

DON'T RUSH ME, BOY.

I WON'T, BUT THEY WILL.

OOH, EASY ON THE RUBBING.

YOU ALMOST GAVE ME AN INDIAN BURN.

SORRY. WE NEED YOUR HELP FAST.

CAN YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE STAMPEDE?

OH, YOU'RE SO COOL.

[CHATTERING]

WELL, I'M GLAD WE'RE HOMEWARD BOUND.

NOT ME.

I'M IN LOVE WITH THE PRINCESS.

COME ON, I KNOW PLENTY OF PRINCESSES BACK IN THE STATES.

THEY GOT NICE LONG FINGERNAILS AND RICH DADDIES.

SORRY, ROY.

I GOT TO TRY TO MAKE HER MINE,

EVEN IF IT MEANS...

BUT WE HAVE THE LAMP.

THE WORLD IS OUR BLUE POINT.

IT'S YOURS.

OH, ZIG, I COULDN'T.

IT'S YOUR LAMP. YOU SHOULD HAVE IT.

PLEASE, TAKE IT BACK. PLEASE.

NO, IT'S TOTALLY BAD.

NO, KEEP IT. I INSIST.

WELL, IF YOU INSIST.

OK.

GOOD LUCK, AMIGO.

I HOPE I SEE THE PRINCESS

BEFORE SHE'S SUCKERED IN BY ONE OF THESE SCHLEMIELS.

I AM PRINCE ABU-BEN BOOVY.

IF YOUR DAUGHTER SHOULD CONSENT TO MARRY ME,

SHE'LL RECEIVE THE FOLLOWING--

YOU'LL HONEYMOON AT THE FABULOUS FLAME HOTEL

IN CAIRO, EGYPT,

THEN YOU'LL RETURN, VIA NILE AIRWAYS,

TO YOUR NEW DREAM PALACE

IN BAGHDAD, IRAQ.

ABU.

OUR REGRETS, PRINCE,

BUT WE ARE DEEPLY GRATEFUL FOR YOUR APPEARANCE.

GET A LOAD OF THESE GUYS.

WHAT A PACK OF JOKERS.

TURN AROUND.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY LINES IN THIS CARTOON.

THAT'S ENOUGH FOR TODAY. THANK YOU.

AW! AW!

OHH.

PARDON ME.

WOW.

UH, YOUR SULTANTY,

I'VE GOT TO MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER.

HMM.

WHAT HAVE YOU TO OFFER?

OFFER?

UH...GUM?

[GASP]

SULTY, ALL I'VE GOT IS MY LOVE.

IN MY COUNTRY,

THAT'S CONSIDERED A PRETTY GOOD WEDDING GIFT.

YOUR MAJESTY?

YES, ROYAL MAGICIAN?

WITH YOUR GRACIOUS PERMISSION,

I BELIEVE I CAN HELP THIS PRINCE

FIND A WORTHY GIFT FOR HER HIGHNESS.

YOU'RE THE GUY FROM ACT ONE.

WHERE'S THE MAGIC LAMP?

I DON'T HAVE IT.

YOU WANT SOME GUM?

SO, YOU'D RATHER DO THIS THE HARD WAY.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

WHEN DID YOU ASK ME THAT?

I WANT THE EASY WAY.

THIS MAN IS NOT ROYALTY.

HE HAS LOOKED UPON THE FACE OF THE PRINCESS.

HE MUST DIE!

HEE HEE HEE!

WAIT!

I BEG YOU NOT TO HARM THIS COMMONER.

SURE. LET'S IGNORE THE LAW.

LET'S RUN WILD IN THE STREETS,

AND TEAR OFF OUR CLOTHES,

AND PARK IN RED ZONES!

HE'S RIGHT.

WE MUST UPHOLD THE LAW.

THERE'S NEVER A STUNT DOUBLE AROUND

WHEN YOU NEED ONE.

HOLD THE PHONE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU THINK I'D LET YOU PLAY THE PALACE WITHOUT ME?

WELL, I'M NOT GOING OVER AS A SOLO.

REMEMBER ROUTINE SIX?

YOU'RE RIGHT, ROY.

WE MADE A DEAL WITH HIM,

AND A DEAL'S A DEAL.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING SENSE, ZIG BOY.

NOW, YOU PROMISED A REWARD, REMEMBER?

YOU'LL GET EVERYTHING YOU DESERVE.

MAGICIAN, BRING ME THAT LAMP.

SHUT UP, PORKY.

I NOW HAVE ULTIMATE POWER!

YOU, MY BEAUTY,

I SHALL MAKE MY PERSONAL SLAVE.

AND YOU, JUMBO JERK,

I SHALL DESTROY.

SIBOYGAN IS MINE!

MINE! MINE!

[YAWN]

YOU JUST WATCH.

I'M GOING TO DO ALL THAT...

WHAT I SAID.

YOU'RE POWERLESS AGAINST ME.

OOH, I'M HELPLESS,

WHAT, WITH THE BLINDING GLEAM OFF THAT LAMP YOU'VE POLISHED,

I CAN'T DO A THING.

SEIZE HIM!

YOU TRICKED ME.

WHERE IS THE GENIE?

ROUTINE SIX-- THE OLD SWITCHEROO.

GREETINGS, SPHINX-BREATH.

YOU KNOW HIM?

THIS IS THE BOZO WHO IMPRISONED ME IN THE LAMP

ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

MAY A WEIRD HOLY MAN TIE YOUR TURBAN

TO A LOVE-CRAZED CAMEL.

YOU CANNOT HARM ME.

I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL.

YOU ARE HELPLESS AGAINST ME.

HEE HEE HEE!

TAKE HIM AWAY.

I'LL GIVE YOUR ANKLES SUCH A BITE.

THANK YOU FOR SAVING OUR KINGDOM.

SINCE YOU HAVE A GENIE,

AND WE HAVE A VACANCY,

PERHAPS YOU WOULD CONSIDER BECOMING OUR NEW ROYAL MAGICIANS.

WE'D BE PLEASED AS PUNCH, YOUR POTENTATE.

OF COURSE, A ROYAL MAGICIAN

IS QUALIFIED TO MARRY A ROYAL PRINCESS.

I FEEL A HAPPY ENDING COMING ON.

[WEDDING RECESSIONAL PLAYS]

...IN THE BOND OF MATRIMONY.

THE RING, PLEASE.

OH, THE RING.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE?

I'M ALWAYS THE ONE WHO GETS THE GIRL.

HE'S BEEN STRIP-MINING MY TERRITORY ALL EPISODE.

DON'T ASK ME ABOUT WOMAN PROBLEMS, MASTER.

I'VE HAD SIX WIVES.

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.

ALL RIGHT, JUST HOLD IT.

OH, CLORISSA.

CLORISSA!

NOW, MR. SHUMWAY?

NOW, CLORISSA.

OH, ZIGGY, I LOVE YOU.

I ADORE YOU.

MARRY ME AND MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING.

I GAVE HER A BIGGER PART.

OK, FRIEND, FROM THE TOP.

DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY--

UGH, AGAIN--

TO UNITE IN WEDLOCK THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN.

THERE'LL BE A SMORGASBORD

IN THE OASIS ROOM IN TEN MINUTES.

I'VE GOT DIBS ON THE KITTEN TARTAR.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

HI.

TIME AGAIN FOR THE MAIL BAG.

"DEAR ALF, I WANT TO WRITE YOU A LETTER,

"BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

"COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME?

SIGNED, LIZ BETSY, ELIZABETH, OHIO."

DEAR, LIZ, WHAT A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

TO PRESENT ALF'S LETTER-WRITING TIPS

FOR FANS AND OTHER WORSHIPERS.

ONE--TELL ME I'M CUTER THAN MICHAEL J. FOX.

TWO--TELL ME I'M CUTER THAN KIRK CAMERON.

THREE--TELL ME I'M CUTER THAN JASON BATEMAN.

FOUR--TWO TRAINS ARE TRAVELING TOWARD EACH OTHER

AT 90 MPH.

HOW MUCH TIME DO THE PASSENGERS HAVE TO JUMP OFF?

SEE, I THREW THAT LAST ONE IN TO REMIND YOU

THAT TV CAN ALSO BE EDUCATIONAL.

THAT'S ALL FOR ALF'S MAILBAG THIS TIME.

KEEP THOSE FICTITIOUS CARDS AND LETTERS COMING IN.

♪ GORDON, SEND US

♪ OH, SEND US

♪ INTO OUTER SPACE

♪ OUTER SPACE

♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪

♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE

♪ TEACH US, GORDON...

HA! I KILL ME!