Original subtitles

[ORCHESTRA TUNING UP]

WITH...

[IMITATING ALFRED HITCHCOCK] GOOD EVENING.

TODAY WE BRING YOU THAT CLASSIC THRILLER

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK.

I PLAY JACK BATES.

JACK AND HIS MOTHER RUN A SMALL MOTEL,

BUT BUSINESS HASN'T BEEN VERY GOOD.

JACK'S MOTHER HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO SEND HIM TO THE VILLAGE

TO SELL THEIR FAMILY PET WALLY.

THAT'S WHEN THINGS START TO GET CARRIED AWAY.

HEY, PUT ME DOWN, PLANT! HELP!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

I'M REALLY SORRY I HAVE TO SELL YOU, WALLY.

BUT WE NEED THE MONEY,

AND FRANKLY, YOU MAKE A LOUSY BELLHOP.

WHOA!

LOOK OUT!

OOF!

WHY DON'T YOU WATCH OUT?

I'LL TRADE THESE BEANS FOR YOUR COW.

I'M NOT SELLING THIS COW FOR BEANS.

THEY'RE MAGIC BEANS. HURRY! HURRY!

HERE.

HYEEAH!

HEY, YOU, GET OFF OF MY COW!

I HOPE WHEN MOTHER SAID,

"GET A LOT OF MONEY FOR WALLY,"

SHE MEANT DUMP THE COW AND BRING HOME 3 BEANS.

THAT COW WAS OUR LAST HOPE.

NOW WE HAVE NOTHING EXCEPT THESE BEANS.

BUT, MOM, THEY'RE MAGIC BEANS.

YOUR FATHER NORMAN WOULDN'T HAVE FALLEN FOR THIS.

HE WAS A SMART MAN AND A GOOD PROVIDER.

MOM, WHAT DID DAD DO FOR A LIVING?

YOU NEVER WANT TO TELL ME.

YOUR FATHER WAS A...

HE WAS A MAILMA...

A WIDOW WASH, UH--

A TAXIDERMIST.

OH.

YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO A HILL OF BEANS,

AND THAT'S WHAT THESE BEANS ARE ABOUT TO AMOUNT TO.

[MUMBLING]

[ALARM CLOCK BUZZES]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Radio: WE'LL BE SENDING OUT SOME DEDICATIONS

TO OUR BOYS IN THE CRUSADES.

BUT FIRST, HEY, WE'VE GOT A RATWATCH OUT.

DON'T PET THEM, DON'T FEED THEM, DON'T EAT THEM.

REMEMBER, PLAGUE IS EVERYONE'S PROBLEM.

THEY WERE MAGIC BEANS.

GENERAL MOTORS NEVER HAD SUCH A PLANT.

I WONDER IF I COULD CLIMB THIS BEANSTALK ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.

I FORGOT ABOUT MY DEVASTATING FEAR OF HEIGHTS.

I WON'T LOOK DOWN.

[GRUNTING]

WOW!

I HAVE A FEELING I'M NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE.

WHOA!

LOOKS LIKE BIG NEWS.

[WOOF WOOF]

SOUNDS LIKE A BIG DOG.

WOOF WOOF WOOF.

[PANTING]

AH, THE MORNING PAPER.

WHOA! THAT MUST BE A TRIPLE "E", EASY.

GOOD DOGGIE.

WHOA!

OH!

WELL, ALOYSIUS,

PHASE TWO OF THE MASTER PLAN IS COMPLETE.

SOON, NOTHING WILL BE ABLE TO STOP US.

UH-OH.

MY MUG RUNNETH OVER.

[SNIFF SNIFF]

FEE FI FO FUM!

I SMELL...

TEA.

I DEARLY WOULD LOVE A CUP OF TEA.

WHOA!

BAK-BAK-BAK-BAK!

COME THEN, LOVE, GIVE US ANOTHER EGG.

BAK.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT YOUR FAMILY

TO END UP EXTRA CRISPY, WOULD YOU?

BAK!

THAT EGG GETS THE GOLD MEDAL.

IN FACT, THAT EGG IS GOLD METAL.

WITH YOUR HELP, MY LITTLE GOLDMINE,

I WILL SOON COMPLETE THE MASTER PLAN.

I'VE GOT TO GET THAT HEN.

FOR MOM!

FEE FI FO FUM!

I SMELL.

I'D BETTER TAKE A BATH.

I'VE BREWED UP A LITTLE PLAN.

GET IT? BREW. HA!

GERONIMO!

WELL, PILGRIM,

WE'RE A-BUSTIN' OUT OF HERE, I RECKON.

HEE-HAW!

BAK!

I DON'T SUPPOSE HENS CAN FLY?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

6,000th FLOOR.

GOLDEN EGGS, GIANT HENS, AND CHICKEN THIEVES.

GOING DOWN!

CHICKIE, THIS COULD BE

THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR NEW DRESS, MOM.

IT'S LOVELY, AND SO IS THE NEW FURNITURE,

AND THE JEWELRY, THE BANK ACCOUNT,

THE TAX-DEFERRED BONDS.

ITS ALL THANKS TO THAT HEN AND HER 24-KARAT EGGS.

I'M HAPPY THE HARD TIMES ARE OVER.

AND THE GOOD TIMES ARE HERE.

DO YOU HAVE A VACANCY?

A CUSTOMER!

I'LL HAVE TO CHECK.

[COUGH, COUGH]

WELL, LET'S SEE....

UM...YES.

IT SEEMS THAT OUR LAST GUEST CHECKED OUT

26 YEARS AGO.

THE ENTIRE PLACE IS EMPTY.

ANY ROOM YOU LIKE IS YOURS.

YOU'RE OUR ONLY GUEST. THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

OH, THANK YOU!

YOU SURE SEEM TO LIKE BIRDS.

I ADMIRE THE WAY THEY'RE NOT SCARED OF HEIGHTS

AND ALSO THE WAY SOME OF THEM LAY GOLDEN EGGS.

EXCUSE ME?

NOTHING. YOU IN TOWN ON BUSINESS?

BUSINESS? UH, NO, NOT BUSINESS.

SORT OF BUSINESS.

BUSINESS-RELATED, NOT STRICTLY SPEAKING BUSINESS.

HA HA. UM, TELL ME,

HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS AROUND HERE LATELY?

SUSPICIOUS? HOW DO YOU MEAN?

NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN 2 GUYS SNEAKING AROUND THE MOTEL

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

I SEE. CAN I SIGN IN NOW?

TIPPI LEIGH SAINT. THAT'S A LOVELY NAME.

THANK YOU, JACK.

HOW'D YOU KNOW MY NAME?

LUCKY GUESS.

IS THERE A MRS. BATES?

YES--I MEAN, NO. I MEAN, MY MOTHER.

A BOY'S BEST FRIEND IS HIS MOTHER.

BUT, UH, THAT'S FOR BOYS.

I'M A MAN, AND YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

MY KEY? KEY. RIGHT.

YOU'RE IN CABIN ONE.

DO YOU HAVE AN UMBRELLA?

I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS GOING TO RAIN.

IT'S AWFUL GETTING STUCK IN A SHOWER.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE VERY SWEET.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE PSYCHO

NOT TO LOVE A BABE LIKE THAT.

MMPH!

[CLUCKING]

MR. BATES? MR. BATES?

MR. BATES, SO GOOD OF YOU TO JOIN US.

WHERE AM I?

OH, LET'S NOT PLAY GAMES.

NOT EVEN PICTIONARY?

HA HA HA.

I'M AFRAID YOU'VE BECOME A PROBLEM.

SEE, YOU'RE A MAN WHO KNOWS TOO MUCH.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ACCUSED OF THAT.

LET'S BE CIVILIZED ABOUT THIS, JACK.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

SOME CHOCOLATE MILK? A TUNA FISH SANDWICH?

A NEW BICYCLE? SOME SHOES? A BOAT?

I'LL TAKE THE SANDWICH, THE BICYCLE, AND THE SHOES.

AND I'D LIKE THE REST IN A GIFT CERTIFICATE.

NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

TELL ME, HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PLAN?

WHAT PLAN?

THE PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE ENTIRE VILLAGE.

THE HEN LAYS GOLDEN EGGS,

WE USE THE GOLD TO BUY THE VILLAGE,

THEN I TAKE OVER AND RULE WITH AN IRON FIST.

THAT PLAN.

WELL, I KNOW NOW.

THAT'S OK, I--I DON'T NEED A LIFT.

LANDAU, TAKE OUR NOTORIOUS GUEST

UP THE 39 STEPS TO THE TOP OF THE BELL TOWER.

BUT I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS.

NO NEED TO GET INTO A FRENZY.

YOU'LL ONLY BE UP THERE FOR A FEW MOMENTS.

OH, GOOD.

THEN, LANDAU WILL THROW YOU OFF.

OH, BAD.

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

AH, THE REAR WINDOW.

ALL CLEAR, JIMMY?

JIMMY'S ON A LOOKOUT. HE HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT

SHOWING OUR LAST GUEST THE BELL TOWER.

LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE THE VIEW.

MMPH! MMPH! MMPH!

MMPH!

MMPH! MMPH! MMPH!

UNH! AAH!

[BELL RINGING]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I FOLLOWED YOU. I'M AN AGENT.

I SUPPOSE THAT MEANS YOU'LL WANT 10% OF THE GOLD EGGS

AND THEN YOU WON'T RETURN MY CALLS

NO, A SECRET AGENT.

AND YOU'VE STUMBLED INTO A DANGEROUS SITUATION.

YOU'RE A SECRET AGENT AND A GENIUS? I'M CONFUSED.

I NEED A FLASHBACK.

IT ALL STARTED MANY YEARS AGO.

A GOVERNMENT SCIENTIST WAS WORKING ON A SECRET FORMULA

FOR CHICKEN FEED THAT WOULD GET HENS

TO LAY VERY SPECIAL EGGS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

FINALLY, THE SCIENTIST FOUND WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR,

A FORMULA THAT WOULD MAKE HENS LAY EGGS OF SOLID GOLD.

ALTHOUGH, THERE WAS ONE SIDE EFFECT.

THE EVIL GIANT STOLE THE HEN

AND HE DID AWAY WITH THE SCIENTIST

SO NO ONE ELSE COULD HAVE SUCH RICHES.

DID THIS GIANT WANT TO USE THE GOLD EGGS

TO RULE A CERTAIN VILLAGE?

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GOT INVOLVED

BECAUSE YOU WERE IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME.

WHY ME? I'M A QUIET GUY. MY IDEA OF EXCITEMENT

IS A BRADY BUNCH REUNION.

IT'S FATE, JACK.

THAT BRILLIANT GOVERNMENT SCIENTIST

THE ONE WHO CREATED THE CHICKEN FEED FORMULA,

HE WAS YOUR FATHER.

BUT I THOUGHT THAT MY FATHER

WAS A MAILMA--A WINDOW-- AN ARCHI--A TAXIDERMIST.

YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU THAT

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT YOU GETTING INVOLVED IN ANYTHING DANGEROUS.

I WON'T LET MY FATHER DOWN.

I'LL GET BACK THE HEN

DEFEAT THE GIANT,

AND MAKE MY VILLAGE SAFE FOR DEMOCRACY.

YOUR FATHER WOULD BE PROUD.

LET'S GO.

[GASPS]

IS EVERYTHING READY

FOR THE FINAL PHASE, OF THE PLAN, MARTIN?

YES. WHEN LANDAU RETURNS,

WE'LL LOAD THE GOAL ONTO THE BIRD

FOR SHIPMENT TO FORT LOX.

THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION.

I'LL FIX YOU ONE OF MY FLAMING FRUIT PUNCHES.

BAK BAK!

BAK BAK!

SIR, LOOK, LOOK!

[SNIFFS]

FEE, FI, FO, FUM,

I SMELL--

AW, SHUT UP ALREADY. THERE THEY GO.

HEE HAW!

BAK BAK!

MARTIN, RELEASE THE BIRDS.

THEY'LL TAKE CARE OF OUR LITTLE TRESPASSERS.

LET'S GET TO THE BEANSTALK.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

THERE ISN'T TIME TO STUFF THEM.

BAK BAK!

THE GIANT'S COMING AFTER US.

BOK!

[CLUCKS WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE]

I MAY LOSE MY TEMPER.

I MAY LOSE ME...DINNER.

BAK!

OH, NO. THE ELEVATOR'S NOT WORKING.

COME ON, JACK.

OW!

BAK BAK!

I--I CAN'T.

WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS, UH, I CAN.

BAK BAK!

UNH!

KEEP GOING. WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

I'M DEFINITELY LOSING MY TEMPER.

WHOA!

UMPH!

WE MADE IT! WE'RE SAFE!

I'LL HANDLE THIS.

WELL, I'VE CERTAINLY LOST MY TEMPER NOW.

THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

HEY, EVERYONE IN THE NEXT 3 STATES,

TIMBER!

CHOO! CHOO!

MMM.

WELL, MR. BATES, YOU SAVED THE VILLAGE,

YOU GOT RID OF THE GIANT,

YOU GOT BACK THE HEN.

AND I MARRIED YOU, MRS. BATES.

JUST YOU AND ME AND...OUR NEST EGG.

BAK BAK BAK BAK, BIG BUCKS!

HEY, MAIL MEISTERS,

TIME FOR ALF'S MAILBAG.

HERE'S A LETTER FROM LITTLE DEBBIE TOOTLEMAN

FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN.

"DEAR MR. ALF,"

"MR. ALF." ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?

"I LIKE THE ALF CARTOON.

"I LIKE ALF THE BEST.

"RICK IS CUTE. CURTIS IS SO CUTE.

"I THINK ALF'S DAD IS NICE.

I THINK CURTIS IS NICE. I THINK RICK IS--"

I THINK WE COULD HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE LETTER.

AH. "DEAR ALF, CAN I PLEASE HAVE SOME OF YOUR HAIR?

I COULD REALLY USE IT. SIGNED, BRUCE WILLIS."

DEAR BRUCE, FORGET IT!

I JUST WASHED MY HAIR,

AND YOU CAN'T DO A THING WITH IT.

HA! HA!

WELL, THAT'S IT FROM THE ALF MAILBAG.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME.

♪ GORDON, SEND US

♪ OH, SEND US

♪ INTO OUTER SPACE

♪ OUTER SPACE

♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪

♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE

♪ TEACH US, GORDON...

HA! I KILL ME!