Original subtitles

[ORCHESTRA TUNES UP]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

[FANFARE]

GREAT PARTY TONIGHT.

PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.

BOY, I'M HUNGRY.

[BABY CRYING]

HI! SOME PARTY, HUH?

I'VE ALREADY HAD 26 FLAGONS OF THIS STUFF,

AND I DON'T EVEN FEEL FILLED UP.

URP!

MUST BE THAT NEW NONALCOHOLIC GROG LITE.

THE REASON FOR ALL THIS MERRIMENT

IS THE BIRTH OF THE NEW PRINCE.

[BABY CRYING]

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

THEY LOVE HIM!

BUT NO ONE LOVES HIM MORE THAN THE KING AND QUEEN.

THE ENTIRE KINGDOM--

GORDON!

ROGER COHEN FROM THE NETWORK.

IT'S A GENUINE PLEASURE.

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCENE HERE.

LISTEN, GORD, THE NETWORK FEELS THE KIDS AT HOME

MIGHT NOT RELATE TO A MEDIEVAL SETTING.

OUR RESEARCH SHOWS THAT--THAT LESS THAN 2% OF OUR AUDIENCE

LIVES IN THE DARK AGES.

SOMEBODY GET THIS JERK OFF THE SET.

WE'RE JUST GONNA UPDATE THE LOOK A LITTLE,

YOU KNOW, GIVE THE KIDS AT HOME SOMETHING FAMILIAR.

GEE, CAN'T YOU JUST FEEL THOSE RATINGS SKYROCKET?

THE PRINCE HAS BEEN GETTING A LOT OF GREAT GIFTS.

NOW HE'S GOING TO GET VERY SPECIAL PRESENTS

FROM THE THREE NICE WIZARDS.

THE THREE NICE WIZARDS!

[APPLAUSE]

WELCOME, WIZARDS.

IS THIS THE NEW PRINCE?

HE IS LIKE A GIFT FROM ABOVE,

FILLING OUR HEARTS WITH BOUNDLESS JOY.

[GIGGLES]

UH-HUH.

I'M WIZARD BILL GRANDALF.

THIS IS MY PARTNER WIZARD JOE FRODAY.

THIS IS B-B-BUZZ, JUST OUT OF THE ACADEMY.

OH, HEY, WANNA SEE MY MANUAL?

WE'LL HAVE TO GIVE YOUR BOY A FEW MAGICAL GIFTS.

HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE REGULATIONS

PERTAINING TO MAGICAL GIFTS,

I HEREBY BESTOW UPON THE PRINCE THE GIFT OF BEAUTY.

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.

YOUR TURN, KID.

OK!

I GRANT THE PRINCE...

WHAT?

AH! I KNOW!

I GRANT THE PRINCE THE SENSE OF SMELL.

THIS GUY WILL SMELL!

-KID? -YES, SIR?

THE PRINCE ALREADY HAS A SENSE OF SMELL.

BORN WITH IT.

NO FOOLING?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOMETHING ELSE?

SOMETHING WONDERFUL AND G-G-GOOD.

SOMETHING LIKE... WISDOM.

WISDOM! YEAH! THAT'S GOOD!

WISDOM!

WISDOM.

SMART AS A WHIP!

YOUR SHOT, JOE.

WOW! WHAT A SPELL!

THAT WASN'T ME, KID.

OOH!

THE EVIL SORCERESS OF DARKNESS!

OH, SURE, SURE. HAVE A BIG PARTY AND DO I GET INVITED?

NO! AND SUDDENLY I'M THE BAD ONE?

I JUST HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE

TO GIVE MY GIFT TO THE PRINCE.

YOU'RE REALLY TOO KIND.

MA'AM, YOU'RE IN VIOLATION OF PENAL CODE 764 SUBSECTION D.

WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWNTOWN.

I'M GONNA LOOK THE OTHER WAY THIS TIME,

BUT I ADMONISH YOU TO WATCH YOUR STEP.

THIS CHILD WILL INDEED

BE FAIR OF FACE AND WISE OF MIND.

BUT...FOR HIS 16th BIRTHDAY,

THE PRINCE WILL RECEIVE MY GIFT!

FOR BEFORE HE TURNS 16,

THE PRINCE WILL RECEIVE...

OHH.

A NASTY...

VILE...

PAPER CUT!

OHH!

WAIT! A PAPER CUT. THAT'S NOT SO BAD.

AW, BIG DEAL.

AND THIS PAPER CUT WILL KILL HIM!

HEE HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

I FOR ONE AM NOT SURPRISED.

I HOPE YOU LIKE MY LITTLE GIFT,

CHOSEN ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

WHAT, UH--WHAT EXACTLY IS THE EXCHANGE POLICY ON THIS GIFT?

SORRY. THE SALE'S FINAL!

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

[BABY CRYING]

MY BABY!

NICE WIZARDS,

YOU MUST BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING.

WHY MUST HE DIE BEFORE HE TURNS 16?

M-M-MA'AM, I--

AHEM.

EXCUSE ME.

MA'AM, WE DON'T HAVE THE POWER

TO UNDO THE EVIL SORCERESS' SPELL OF DEATH,

BUT I CAN HELP.

I HAVEN'T YET GIVEN MY GIFT TO THE PRINCE.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

WELL, IT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED.

IT SAYS RIGHT HERE IN PARAGRAPH D OF SECTION TWO,

"A SPELLS OF DEATH BROUGHT ON BY A PAPER CUT

CAN BE TRANSFORMED INTO A SPELL OF SLEEP."

CAN YOU REALLY TURN DEATH INTO A NAP?

YES, MA'AM.

SHOULD SHARP EDGE OF PAPER CAUSE BLOOD TO SEEP,

THE PRINCE WILL NOT DIE, BUT MERELY SLEEP.

THEN THE EVIL SORCERESS WILL BE FOILED,

BECAUSE ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY'RE ABOVE THE LAW

HAS GOT ANOTHER THING COMING.

WONDERFUL.

NOW, IF MY SON GETS A PAPER CUT AND FALLS ASLEEP,

ALL WE'LL HAVE TO DO IS WAKE HIM UP.

THE ONLY THING THAT CAN WAKE HIM

IS THE K-K-KISS OF TRUE LOVE.

I'LL KISS HIM. I LOVE HIM.

NO, MA'AM.

THE PRINCE WILL NEED--HE'LL NEED

A G-G-GIRLFRIEND.

WELL, THIS KING ISN'T GOING TO TAKE THIS SITTING DOWN.

HEAR YE, HEAR YE!

LISTEN UP!

IN ORDER TO AVOID THE EVIL SORCERESS,

THE PRINCE SHALL NOT LEAVE THE CASTLE

UNTIL HE TURNS 16.

THAT WOMAN'S A BAD INFLUENCE!

[APPLAUSE]

OH, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU PROCLAIM.

AND TO REMOVE ALL POSSIBILITY OF PAPER CUTS,

I HEREBY BAN ALL PAPER.

THERE WILL BE NO MORE BOOKS,

MAGAZINES, OR NEWSPAPERS.

ROYAL SUBJECTS WILL WATCH TV INSTEAD.

YAY! YAY!

AND FROM NOW ON,

ALL UTILITY BILLS AND GREETING CARDS

WILL BE PRINTED ON CANADIAN BACON!

YAY! YAY!

NOW WE CAN REST ASSURED

THAT OUR SON WILL GROW UP SAFE AND SOUND.

Alf: THE NEXT 16 YEARS OR SO WERE PRETTY QUIET AROUND THE KINGDOM.

IN FACT, THEY WERE BORING,

WHICH IS WHY WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU THIS COMMERCIAL NOW.

THE COMMERCIAL ISN'T EXACTLY 16 YEARS LONG.

IT JUST SEEMS THAT WAY.

IT'S BEEN 15 YEARS, 11 MONTHS, AND 29 DAYS

SINCE THE EVIL SORCERESS ZAPPED ME WITH HER EVIL SPELL.

BUT I'M HAPPY TO SAY THE SPELL RUNS OUT TOMORROW

ON MY 16th BIRTHDAY.

SO MUCH FOR EXPOSITION.

WHAT'S ON TV?

THUNDERSLUGS.

FLUFFYSMOOCH.

AND THIS GUY.

I'M BORED WITH THIS JUNK.

I WANT SOMETHING TO READ.

A CEREAL BOX, A SHOPPING LIST, A LUGGAGE TAG.

I WISH I COULD GET OUT AND MINGLE

INSTEAD OF JUST STARING FORLORNLY OUT THE WINDOW.

WOW! LOOK AT THE SNOOT ON THAT BABE.

[HEART THUMPS]

[THUMP THUMP]

YO, BABE!

ARE YOU A GIRL?

OF COURSE I'M A GIRL.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A GIRL BEFORE?

ON TV. BUT THOSE GALS JUST HAD HEIGHT AND WIDTH.

YOU'VE GOT DEPTH.

I BET YOU SAY THAT TO ALL THE PRINCESSES.

YOU'RE A GIRL AND PRINCESS?

WHEN I SCORE, I SCORE BIG.

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE DARNDEST THING,

BUT I HAPPEN TO BE A PRINCE.

I KNOW.

EVERYONE KNOWS OF YOUR PLIGHT,

EVEN IN MY KINGDOM.

GREAT. THE SYMPATHY VOTE.

DO THEY ALLOW PAPER IN YOUR KINGDOM?

REAMS.

WELL, AFTER TOMORROW, I'LL BE OUT OF HERE.

HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW A BOOKMARK WORKS.

HOW TO TURN PAGES.

IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE.

THEN MAYBE ON A MOONLIT NIGHT

WHEN WE'RE ON SOME LONELY ROAD...

YES? AND WE'RE CLOSE TOGETHER...

YES, YES.

YOU COULD TEACH ME THE WAYS...

YES!

OF THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM.

UH...

APPRENTICE!

[SHOW TUNE PLAYS]

[GRRR]

[ROWF ROWF]

[GRRRGLE]

FROM THE PIT OF DARKNESS,

THE EVIL SORCERESS!

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, E.S.?

IT'S BEEN ALMOST 16 YEARS SINCE I PUT THAT CURSE ON THE PRINCE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE DAY LEFT FOR MY EVIL SPELL TO WORK.

WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO?

SO FAR, THE KING HAS PROTECTED THE PRINCE FROM HARM,

BUT I HAVE COOKED UP A LITTLE SCHEME.

I NEED YOUR HELP, APPRENTICE.

DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

I AGREE. I AGREE.

GOOD. "X" GETS THE SQUARE

AND THE WHOLE BLASTED KINGDOM.

AAH HA HA HA!

THIS IS GREAT. I GET TO LEAVE THE CASTLE TOMORROW,

AND I'VE ALREADY GOT AN ENTRY ON MY SOCIAL CALANDAR.

WHAT COULD BE BETTER?

PAPER! GET YOUR PAPER HERE!

PRINTED MATTER! STUFF TO READ!

GET IT HERE!

SOMETHING TO READ!

MAYBE YOU SHOULD WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW,

WHEN EVIL SPELL IS BROKEN.

PRINCE TO CHECK OUT PRINCESS AT LOCAL LIBRARY.

ROYAL COUPLE OVERDUE FOR LOVE.

I WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT IT.

I'LL TAKE A PAPER.

AAH!

HEH HEH HEH.

"ATTACK OF THE ELVIS CATS."

"EAT ALL DAY, AND GET FAT QUICK."

OUCH!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, PRINCE?

NO PROBLEM. JUST A LITTLE PAPER CUT.

UH-OH.

Evil Sorceress: DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE.

[YAWNS] WELL, IT'S NAP TIME.

NO. DO NOT SLEEP, PRINCE,

LEST YOU REST FOREVER.

I'M NOT GOING TO SLEEP.

I'M JUST GONNA REST MY EYES A LITTLE.

YOU KNOW, I'M NO GOOD WITHOUT MY 300 OR 400-YEAR SLEEP.

WAIT HERE.

LISTEN HERE, YOU WAKE HIM UP THIS INSTANT,

OR I'M GOING OVER YOUR HEAD.

YOU ARE OVER MY HEAD.

WELL, I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME

TO THAT EVIL SORCERESS OF DARKNESS RIGHT NOW.

MY PLEASURE.

WHOO!

WHOA!

[SNORING]

WAKE UP!

[CLANG]

[BOOM BOOM BOOM]

[TOOT]

[DING DING DING]

OOH. AHH. OHH.

WIZARDS. ANYBODY HERE SEE ANYTHING UNUSUAL?

WELL, YOU GUYS JUST FLEW IN HERE.

D-D-DID THE PRINCE HAVE ANY VISITORS B-B-BEFORE HE FELL ASLEEP?

I HAPPEN TO SEE SOMEONE WITH THE PRINCE THIS AFTERNOON.

DID YOU GET A GOOD LOOK, MA'AM?

WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY A GOOD LOOK. A FAIR LOOK.

BETWEEN FAIR AND GOOD, BUT CLOSER TO GOOD.

OK, GOOD.

UH-HUH.

COULD YOU IDENTIFY THE V-V-VISITOR?

A PRINCESS.

SHE WAS VERY INTERESTED.

A GIRLFRIEND.

K-K-KISS OF TRUE LOVE.

DID YOU SEE WHERE SHE WENT?

WELL, THIS EVIL SORCERESS APPRENTICE

TIED HER UP AND PUT HER ON HIS BIKE,

BUT WHERE SHE WENT, WHO CAN SAY?

HEY, MAYBE THEY WENT TO THE EVIL SORCERESS' CASTLE!

BINGO!

[DING DING DING]

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

JUST DOING OUR J-J-JOB.

THEY PROTECT AND SERVE.

WHO ARE YOU?

WIZARDS, MA'AM.

GREAT. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

C-C-CAN'T DO THAT, MA'AM.

"ONCE YOU'RE BOUND BY EVIL,

ONLY YOU CAN SET YOURSELF FREE."

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY EVIL SORCERESS IS KEEPING ME HERE.

SHE KNOWS THAT IF YOU KISS THE PRINCE,

YOU MAY WAKE HIM UP.

I MIGHT?

IF YOU HAVE T-T-TRUE LOVE IN YOUR HEART.

WOW! WHAT A DATE.

THE BOOK OF TRUTHS.

IT'S THE LATEST VOLUME FROM THE SPELL-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB.

IT CAN HELP YOU DEFEAT THE SORCERESS.

TRUTH ALWAYS DESTROYS EVIL.

"THE TOMATO IS NOT A VEGETABLE.

IT IS ACTUALLY A FRUIT."

GOOD LUCK AGAINST THE SORCERESS, MA'AM,

AND REMEMBER ONE THING.

YES?

THAT BOOK'S ON A 10-DAY FREE HOME TRIAL.

YOU BREAK IT, YOU BOUGHT IT.

"THE WHOLE IS EQUAL TO THE SUM OF ITS PARTS."

AAH!

AAH!

OH, SURE. GO AHEAD AND LEAVE.

NEVERMIND THAT I'VE BEEN COOKING ALL DAY.

AAH!

OW!

"THERE ARE 42 DOTS ON A PAIR OF DICE."

THE BOOK OF TRUTHS, VOLUME SEVEN.

YOU'RE FINISHED, OLD LADY.

I WON'T BE DEFEATED THAT EASILY.

I'LL COMBAT YOUR TRUTH WITH LIES.

MOST BREAKFAST CEREALS HAVE NO ADDED SUGAR.

WHOA!

"CITIZENS OF NEW ZEALAND ARE CALLED KIWIS."

AAH!

MY NAILS! YOU'VE CHIPPED MY NAILS.

ALL RIGHT, TRY THIS ONE ON FOR SIZE.

THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL!

AAH! WHOA!

AAH HA HA HA!

WHERE IS THE TRUTH NOW, YOU BRAT?

UH...

LEFT UNTREATED, PLAQUE CAN LEAD TO GUM DISEASE.

AAH!

AAH! MY PERMANENT.

OHH! MY DIET.

I SMELL SOMETHING BURNING.

OH, NO! MY CREDIT CARDS. THEY'RE MELTING.

THEY'RE MELTING!

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME.

YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME NOW.

I'VE GOT A HOT DATE WITH A SNORING PRINCE.

OK, WHERE'S THE PATIENT?

JUST A SECOND, MISSY.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

BUSTING INTO OUR THRONE ROOM

AND TRYING TO SEDUCE MY SON?

LUCILLE, THE KISS OF TRUE LOVE

WILL WAKE OUR SON.

KNOCK HIS SOCKS OFF.

[ALARM BUZZES]

THAT WAS GREAT!

I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN ASLEEP A HUNDRED YEARS.

WHAT'S THAT, SIR?

A CLOCK RADIO.

SEEMS TO WORK.

I'LL MAKE A NOTE TO PUT THAT IN THE MANUAL.

I ALREADY DID, SIR.

THANKS, KID.

IT SEEMS THAT WE ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

LET'S EAT.

NOT SO FAST, SUGAR SNOOT.

[POP]

WELL, I FEEL RESTED--

[POP]

NOTHING LIKE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

[POP]

I'VE BEEN HAVING THE WEIRDEST DREAM.

[POP]

WHEN THE PRINCESS FINALLY RAN OUT OF STEAM,

WE GOT MARRIED AND WE REALLY DID LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER,

EXCEPT FOR AN IMPRESSIVE CASE OF CHAPPED LIPS.

AHH! AHH!

[SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH]

GREETINGS, FIRST CLASS FANS.

IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR "ASK DR. ALF."

OUR FIRST ONE.

"DEAR DR. ALF,

"I EAT NOTHING BUT BABY FOOD.

"I ENJOY SENSELESS VIOLENCE,

"AND MY HEAD FEELS LIKE IT'S MADE OF STEEL.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?"

SIGNED, COLOR ME BLUE.

DEAR COLOR ME BLUE,

YOU'RE NOT SICK, YOU'RE A ROBOCOP!

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

"DEAR DR. ALF,

"AFTER WATCHING TV FOR 8 OR 9 HOURS STRAIGHT,

"MY EYES BEGIN TO HURT.

WHAT CAN I DO?"

SIGNED, SOFA SPUD.

DEAR S.S., WORK THROUGH THE AGONY, ALL RIGHT?

AFTER 12 OR 13 HOURS,

I GUARENTEE YOU, YOU WON'T BE AWARE OF THE DISCOMFORT,

OR ANYTHING ELSE.

REMEMBER, NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

NEXT!

♪ GORDON, SEND US

♪ OH, SEND US

♪ INTO OUTER SPACE

♪ OUTER SPACE

♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪

♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE

♪ TEACH US, GORDON...

HA! I KILL ME!