Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

OH, HI.

TODAY WE BRING YOU TO ENGLAND--

BACK TO A TIME WHEN MEN WERE MEN,

AND WOMEN WERE GLAD OF IT.

THAT COULD BE JUST ABOUT ANYTIME,

BUT IN THIS CASE, IT'S THE MIDDLE AGES.

THIS IS THE COSTUME OF THAT NOBLE OUTLAW

OF SHERWOOD FOREST-- ROBIN HOOD.

ROBIN HOOD WAS BRAVE, GALLANT, GENEROUS,

AND VERY POPULAR WITH THE LADIES--

TYPECASTING.

WHILE I CHANGE,

LET ME CATCH YOU UP ON THE SITUATION.

ROLL THE CLIP.

[PROJECTOR RUNNING]

ENGLAND IS A MESS.

GOOD KING RICHARD IS OFF IN A FARAWAY LAND

PROMOTING HIS NEW BOOK--

HOW TO BE A REALLY NICE KING.

MEANWHILE, HIS EVIL BROTHER, PRINCE JOHN,

HAS TAKEN OVER ENGLAND.

THE NASTY SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM

IS FORCING THE PEASANTS TO HAND OVER ALL THEIR MONEY

AND COUNTER-TOP APPLIANCES...

WHILE KEEPING THE KING'S NIECE,

THE LOVELY MAID MARIAN,

A PRISONER IN NOTTINGHAM CASTLE.

[PLAYING HARMONICA]

ROBIN HOOD IS FIGHTING THIS INJUSTICE

BY TAKING FROM THE RICH

AND GIVING BACK TO THE POOR.

ALWAYS AT HIS SIDE ARE HIS BAND OF MERRY MEN.

ESPECIALLY HIS TRUSTY COMPANION, FRIAR TUCK.

OH, TUCK. OH, FRIAR.

D-D-DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO G-G-GRANDMA'S HOUSE?

RICK, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU WEARING?

I-I'M LITTLE RED R-R-RIDING HOOD.

LITTLE RED--NO, NO!

IT'S ROBIN HOOD.

ALL RIGHT, THEN, LITTLE RED R-R-ROBIN HOOD.

THERE'S NOTHING LITTLE AND NOTHING RED, RICK.

IT'S JUST PLAIN ROBIN HOOD.

OH, I G-G-GET IT.

GREAT. NOW, GET INTO THE FRIAR COSTUME.

R-R-RIGHT.

ON WITH OUR STORY.

W-W-WHAT'S A FRIAR?

AHH...

ROBIN AND HIS MEN ARE SPENDING

A TYPICAL DAY IN SHERWOOD FOREST.

[SNORING]

STOP THE MIDDLE AGE MUSIC!

LET'S PLAY SOMETHING THAT REALLY SWINGS.

BUT ROBIN, PRINCE JOHN HAS OUTLAWED ALL HEP MUSIC.

[SAXOPHONE PLAYING IN THE DISTANCE]

THAT'S THE BEST ALTO SAXOPHONE

I'VE EVER HEARD IN THESE WOODS.

HE'D BE G-G-GREAT IN THE BAND.

ONLY IF HE CAN FIGHT AS WELL AS HE PLAYS.

PRITHEE, STRANGER. ARE YOU AS GOOD WITH THE QUARTERSTAFF

AS YOU ARE WITH YON SAXOPHONE?

WHAT'S A QUARTERSTAFF?

OH, YOU MEAN THE BIG STICK?

AS THEY SAY IN THE CRUSADES,

HAVE AT YOU!

HA! HO HO! HA!

AAH!

AHEM! [HUMMING]

[YAWNS]

HAVE AT YOU AGAIN.

OH!

WHOA!

[SPLASH]

TRADITIONALLY, THE RULES CALL FOR THREE OUT OF FIVE.

FOUR OUT OF...

16 OUT OF...

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

MAYBE WE COULD TRY BOBBING FOR APPLES.

I NOW ADMINISTER THE PLEDGE OF THE MERRY MEN

TO OUR NEWEST RECRUIT, LITTLE JOHN.

DO YOU SOLEMNLY PLEDGE TO TAKE FROM THE RICH,

AND GIVE TO THE POOR?

TO HELP THOSE IN NEED, AND FIGHT THOSE IN POWER?

AND TO RUN THROUGH THE FOREST IN TIGHTS,

SCREAMING THINGS LIKE, "WHAT, HO?"

COOL.

WELCOME TO THE MERRY MEN!

YAY!

MASTER ROBIN! MASTER ROBIN!

PRINCE JOHN IS HEADED THIS WAY!

HE'S WITH THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM

AND THE ENTIRE ROYAL GUARD!

WHAT A BREAK!

THE PRINCE IS SURE TO HAVE THE PEASANTS' GOLD WITH HIM.

HE WON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT.

WE'LL TAKE THE GOLD BACK

FOR THE GOOD PEOPLE OF SHERWOOD.

YAY!

ARE YOU READY, LITTLE JOHN?

YO.

WILL SCARLET.

MY SWORD IS SWORN TO YOUR SERVICE.

ALLAN-A-DALE.

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM AND LIBERTY.

FRIAR TUCK.

G-G-G-GRANDMA, WHAT BIG EARS YOU HAVE.

DOES ANYONE OUT THERE FIT A SIZE 7 FRIAR'S OUTFIT?

OH, MY, MY,

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!

WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL CASH!

SHERIFF, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH IT ?

NO, PRINCE JOHN, YOUR POINTLESSNESS.

I'M GOING TO ROLL AROUND IN IT UNTIL THOROUGHLY COATED.

YOU ARE A FINANCIAL WIZARD, YOUR SLOWNESS.

[SAXOPHONE PLAYS]

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S OUTLAW MUSIC,

AND WHERE THERE'S OUTLAW MUSIC,

THERE'S ROBIN HOOD AND HIS MERRY MEN.

ROBIN HOOD!

CALM DOWN, YOUR HIGH-STRUNGEDNESS.

ROBIN HOOD WOULD NEVER ATTACK

A FULLY ARMED ROYAL ENTOURAGE.

LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

COMPANY! AND THE FOREST IS A MESS.

YOU'RE COMING WITH US, ROBIN HOOD.

I'D LOVE TO JOIN YOU IN YOUR TRAVELS, SHERIFF,

BUT I PROMISED MY MERRY MEN A BIG FIGHT.

I'D BE HAPPY TO HELP OUT.

SEIZE HIM!

[SHOUTING]

[WHISTLES]

[SWORDS CLANGING]

AHA!

[NEIGHS]

[NEIGHS]

GET OFF ME!

I SAID, SEIZE HIM--

ROBIN HOOD!

HIM!

AAH! NO!

SEIZE HIM!

WHAT?

[HORN PLAYING]

AAH-HA!

OOF!

OH.

ALL RIGHT, PRINCEY. HAND IT OVER.

HAND WHAT OVER?

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANY GOLD.

NO!

HOORAY!

HOORAY FOR ROBIN HOOD!

PRINCE JOHN,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR GENEROUS CONTRIBUTION.

YAY, ROBIN!

ALL MY MONEY, MY MONEY, MY MONEY!

IT'S ALL GONE, ALL GONE!

HOW I HATE THAT ROBIN HOOD

WITH HIS CAP AND HIS FEATHER

AND HIS ROBBING AND HIS GIVING

AND HIS RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT.

I HATE HIM. HIM I HATE!

Sheriff: BUT I'VE DEVISED THE PERFECT SCHEME

TO TRAP ROBIN HOOD AND HAVE HIM AT OUR MERCY.

OH, GOODY, GOODY, GOODY!

WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT SCHEME?

WELL, FIRST...

AH, MAID MARIAN,

THE LOVELY WARD OF THE ABSENT KING RICHARD.

GOOD AND REPULSIVE SHERIFF,

DID I HEAR YOU SAY THAT YOU PLAN TO CAPTURE ROBIN HOOD?

YES, MY LADY.

NO! AAH!

PSST! PSST!

THE SCHEME, THE SCHEME!

WHY, MARIAN!

DO I DETECT THAT YOU HAVE FEELINGS

FOR THIS BANDIT?

OH, NO. FEELINGS?

OH, NO. HE'S AN OUTLAW.

I SAY "FEH" TO ROBIN HOOD.

GOOD.

BECAUSE I WOULD HATE TO THINK

THAT THE WOMAN I PLAN TO MARRY

LOVES ROBIN HOOD.

HA! LOVE THAT BRAVE, GORGEOUS,

HUNK OF A MERRY MAN?

AH!

HOW COULD I, AFTER THE GLORIOUS GIFTS YOU'VE GIVEN ME?

THE 24-HOUR GUARD AT MY DOOR,

THE MOAT AROUND MY BED,

THE SECURITY CAMERAS IN THIS CORRIDOR.

YOU'RE TOO GENEROUS.

[CHUCKLES]

JUST WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS.

WAS IT YOU WHO MENTIONED A SCHEME?

WHAT IS YOUR SCHEME, SHERIFF?

PRINCE JOHN WILL DECLARE A ROYAL ARCHERY CONTEST

TO TAKE PLACE ON THE CASTLE GROUNDS.

ROBIN HOOD WILL, DOUBTLESS, SHOW UP.

THEN, WE HAVE HIM.

UM, WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME? I HAVE TO FLOSS.

SELMA, YOU MUST HELP ME.

I WANT YOU TO RELAY A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE

TO ROBIN HOOD.

OH, WHAT IS THE MESSAGE?

THE MESSAGE IS, THE ARCHERY CONTEST IS A TRAP.

YOU GOT THAT?

OH, YES, M'LADY.

GET THIS MESSAGE TO ROBIN HOOD.

YES, YES?

UM, THE PARTRIDGE TREE CONQUEST

IS A SNAP.

GET THIS MESSAGE TO ROBIN HOOD.

THE TAUGHT AWFULLY DUMB TEST...

[PANTING]

HAS NO PLUCK.

OK, HERE'S YOUR TAX MONEY.

NOW GO WITH MY BLESSINGS.

[PANTS] ARE YOU ROBIN HOOD?

THAT DEPENDS.

I HAVE A MESSAGE FROM THE MAID MARIAN.

THE MESSAGE IS,

UH...

NO STARCH IN THE COLLAR,

AND I'D LIKE MY SHIRTS...AAH!

WRAPPED.

LITTLE JOHN,

GIVE ME YOUR GIBBERISH-ENGLISH,

ENGLISH-GIBBERISH DICTIONARY.

"NO STARCHED IN THE COLLAR,

AND I'D LIKE MY SHIRTS WRAPPED."

TRANSLATION--

THE ARCHERY CONTEST IS A TRAP!

YOU C-C-CAN'T GO!

YOU'LL BE WALKING RIGHT INTO THEIR TRAP.

THERE'S NO TRAP THAT CAN HOLD...

ROBIN HOOD!

I SAW A BIG METAL TRAP ONCE WITH BIG, SHARP TEETH.

AND IT SPRINGS CLOSED ON YOUR FOOT,

LIKE THIS!

I DON'T THINK HE HAS ONE OF THOSE.

IF WE CAN'T S-S-STOP YOU,

THEN WE'RE G-G-GOING WITH YOU.

FINE. WITH YOUR HELP,

I WILL WIN THE CONTEST,

THWART THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM,

AND SWEEP THE FAIR MAID MARIAN

OFF OF HER CUTE LITTLE TOOTSIES.

THEN LET'S BE OFF.

WAIT!

WE HAVE TO WEAR DISGUISES SO NO ONE NOTICES US.

OH, GOOD, I'LL WEAR MY GREAT BIG PUMPKIN HEAD.

YOU ALWAYS GET TO WEAR THE P-P-PUMPKIN HEAD.

I WANT TO WEAR IT.

GUYS...

IT'S MY PUMPKIN HEAD.

IT IS NOT.

HIGHLY TRAINED PROFESSIONALS.

GROG! GET YOUR ICE COLD GROG RIGHT HERE!

GET YOUR GROG!

AHH...

[GASPS]

[SNAP] YII!

[FANFARE]

AHEM...

HERE ARE TODAY'S CONTESTANTS.

COUNT BACKWARDS FROM 10,

SIR TIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY,

MURRAY,

BOBBIN HOOD.

NEVER LET A GOOD COSTUME GO TO WASTE.

PSST! HUH?

COMMENCE THE FIRST ROUND.

[FANFARE]

Man: YEOW!

SORRY.

OOF! COMMENCE THE SECOND ROUND!

[FANFARE]

SHUT UP, ALREADY!

WHOA!

OOF!

TWO CONTESTANTS LEFT.

LET THE FINAL TRAP-- UH, ROUND BEGIN.

[FANFARE]

YAY!

NO PROBLEM.

OOH!

[DRUM ROLL]

YAY!

YAHOO!

Y-Y-YIPPEE! YIPPEE!

WELL, IT SEEMS WE HAVE A WINNER.

WELL, MR. BOBBIN HOOD.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

I AM FROM THAT PLACE WHERE JUSTICE STILL REIGNS.

I SPEAK OF SHERWOOD FOREST,

THE HOME OF ROBIN HOOD.

YOU'VE WALKED RIGHT INTO MY TRAP.

YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS

OF MY MOST FEROCIOUS GUARDS.

THE ODDS ARE MOST CERTAINLY AGAINST YOU.

THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG,

FOR I HAVE MY TWO MOST TRUSTED MERRY MEN--

THE COOL GUY AND THE PUMPKIN HEAD.

TOGETHER, WE WILL LIBERATE THE FAIR MAID MARIAN,

THAT IS, IF SHE'LL HAVE ME.

HI.

FINE. THE WEDDING IS OFF.

SEIZE THEM!

[PLAYING BASS NOTES]

[PLAYING SWING]

THIS MUSIC IS OUTLAWED.

GUARDS, STOP THEM! HUH?

STOP THAT!

STOP THAT! STOP THAT!

I SUSPECTED THEY WERE HEP CATS.

[SWING ENDS]

[PLAYING GUITAR]

NO! OH, NO!

WHO ARE YOU, VISITOR?

WHY, IT'S THE WOLF,

DRESSED JUST LIKE MY GRANDMA.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, PRINCE JOHN?

DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN BROTHER?

THE KING!

IT'S THE KING!

ELVIS?

WHA...

KING RICHARD, YOUR MAJESTY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON MY THRONE?

OH, MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS. IS THIS YOUR THRONE?

MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE, DICK--

UH...RICH, UH...YOUR HIGHNESS.

LONG LIVE THE KING!

All: LONG LIVE THE KING!

WELL, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU BACK, YOUR MAJESTY.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING? SOFT DRINK, A HOT TOWEL?

20 BUCKS?

-SHUT UP. -SHUT UP.

YOU HATH TRIED TO USURP ME.

I HATE THAT.

I SENTENCE EACH OF YOU

TO 10 YEARS OF WATCHING THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK.

TAKE THEM AWAY.

HUH?

AAH!

NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

NO, PLEASE! AAH!

AAH!

NOW, WHICH OF MY SUBJECTS

PLAYED THAT COOL AND GLORIOUS MUSIC

I HEARD UPON MY ARRIVAL?

IT WAS I, ROBIN HOOD, AND MY BAND OF MERRY MEN.

THEN KNEEL BEFORE ME, ROBIN HOOD.

I DUB THEE SIR ROBIN OF HOOD,

THE KING OF SWING.

THANKS, YOUR MAJESTY.

SIR ROBIN, YOU AND YOUR BAND

SHALL PLAY ALL THE BIG PARTIES

AT THE NOTTINGHAM HALL OF CATERING,

COMMENCING WITH YOUR OWN WEDDING TO MY WARD,

THE FAIR MAID MARIAN.

AHH.

M-M-M-MAZEL TOV!

THREE CHEERS FOR ROBIN HOOD!

CHEER!

AND WHAT SAY YE TO ME, SWEET ROBIN?

MARIAN, WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE.

WHAT BIG LIPS YOU HAVE.

WHAT A BIG SNOOT--

HOLD IT. H-H-HOLD IT!

I THOUGHT YOU SAID N-N-NO LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.

IF THE LINE WORKS, THE LINE WORKS.

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER,

ESPECIALLY ME,

STARTING IN ABOUT 2 SECONDS.

AH HA! NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

HI, LETTERHEADS.

IT'S TIME TO DIP INTO THE BAG O' MAIL.

WRONG BAG. THAT'S MY LUNCH.

"YO, ALFER, I'M AN ALIEN, TOO.

"I'M AS CUTE AND FURRY AND TALENTED AS YOU,

"AND I CAN DANCE.

"THE NETWORKS ARE BEATING DOWN MY SPACESHIP DOOR

"FOR ME TO DO A SERIES.

"MY AGENT IS SURE I WILL BE AT LEAST

"THE BIGGEST STAR AS YOU.

"WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU OFFER ME?

SIGNED, ALF LIKE YOU."

DEAR ALF LIKE ME,

DON'T WASTE YOUR TALENTS ON TV.

TURN YOURSELF OVER TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

ALIEN TASK FORCE DIVISION.

THEY'LL TAKE REAL GOOD CARE OF YOUR CAREER.

DO WHATEVER THEY TELL YOU TO DO,

EVEN IF IT INVOLVES CAGES AND ELECTRODES

AND BRAIN WAVES. THEY KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU.

AND THIS GOES FOR ANY OTHER AMBITIOUS ALIEN OUT THERE.

THE REST OF YOU, I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

THE NERVE!