Original subtitles

I, Neptune, ruler of all seas and oceans, rivers and lakes, brooks and wells

travelling across my endless kingodm, decided to visit this heavenly place on the cosat of Black Sea.

GENERATION P

There once was, indeed, carefree young generation in Russia which summers smiled and sun and sea and chose Pepsi.

In those distant days kids were supposed to strive to shiny firefighter's casket or white doctor's robe.

But we, lying by the sea in summer, stared at cloudless blue horizon, drank warm Pepsi-cola from glass bottles filled in Novorosiyska

and dreamt that someday distand and forbidden world from that side of the sea will come into our lives.

I fell into Generation P by default.

My name, Vavilen, was made up from words Vasily Aksyonov and Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.

In some sense I justified my name. I enrolled Institute of Literature, wrote verses and held course to eternity

pretending as if nothing happened around me.

As soon as eternity dissolved, I found myself in actuality. I had no connections, so I settled in as vendor in kiosk.

Job was simple, yet nervous.

In evenings I paid money to Hussein, chechen who always had butter-yellowish eyes due to opiate abuse.

Working in kiosk, I mastered two new skills. First was cynicism, endless like view from Onstankino tower.

Hello. Any complaints? No.

Lack of complaints does not free from responsibility.

Second skill was astounding and hard to explain. Be so kind, one cigarette...

It was enough to take a brief glance at clients hands to comprehend whether I can swindle him and on how much precisely.

Hand the money.

Forty six [thousand].

Life is a lonely journey, under scorching sun and chilling cold.

How often the road we are going leads us nowhere! And it is unknown when death will meet us.

When you think about it, everything in the world seems empty and small.

Then enlightenment kicks in: "Tuborg - be prepared for anything."

Pack of Davidov. Normal or light?

Normal.

Listen, have you got condoms? But good ones, not tampered with.

Durex - English quality. Jaguar of condom world. Nice slogan. How much?

Hundred forty five.

All the best on dick!

Vava?

Is that you? Markovin?

Take the key, I'm leaving.

Vova, it is special time now. It hasn't been anytime before and it won't be anytime in future.

Frenzy. Like in Klondike.

Yea, two more years and everything will be snatched, but today there is still real possibility to get into this system. Understand?

So, you've gotten into it. Process is in progress. Get in.

The only place where there is real dough is commercials.

This is roughly how it happens...

A man takes credit, on this credit he opens an office, buys Cherokee SUV and eight boxes of Smirnoff vodka.

When vodka is consumed, it turns out

that SUV is smashed, office is puked full, but credit must be returned.

If the bank to which man is in debt belongs to bandits, in some moment man...

is killed. I didn't catch what relation has all this with commercials?

Well. The most impotant thing.

When half of Smirnoff vodka is not consumed yet, some chemical reaction takes place in man's head.

He feels unrestricted power. And he wants to make commercial clip for himself.

This is the place where we come out of bushes.

There are some studios making commercial clips. They need shrewd script writes like bread to eat.

Oh, Vavilen Tatarskiy! Hello. This is Lena.

Is Tatarsky a surname or nickname? It is a surname.

This is Segey. Let's cut to the chase.

Vavilen...

story goes as follows...

Object is about fifty years old, he used to teach physics.

When all this havoc just began, he organized cooperative in producing cakes "bird's milk".

And in two years time he got so much dough, that now he rents half of Babayevski factory.

And recently he took...credit. Very big credit.

The day before yesterday he began boozing.

Where do you have such evidence from? Secretary is a friend of mine.

Well then, he must be taken right away. Because when he's sober he is very tightfisted.

Hi.

A jacket.

Put this thing on your belt. You have meeting with client at one o'clock. At one twenty I will call you on this bleeper.

When it bleeps, you get it, look at it with importance. Understood?

While client talks, make notes in this notebook.

Rolex. When you talk with the client, flash it.

Careful, don't scratch the plating.

You have got a wonderful factory. Shall we get to business?

What corporative positions are we gonna strenghten?

Well...I don't know. We have imported stands with fluoride...

Isn't that from Video International?

No, those shitheads don't call me anymore, thanks to God. Slava Zaitsev. Today's meeting is off.

Does he think we need this meeting more than he does? Let's talk about it later.

Excuse me...

aren't you afraid that one fine day all this...

could end?

You know what times we live in. What if everything collapses?

I am afraid. But who doesn't?

You crazy or what? We will get shit asking such questions. It will be fine. Now I know what he needs.

Folk comes and folk goes, but land stays. Mediis tempustatibus placidus - calm among the storms.

Lefortovski confectionary enterprise

That is how I became copywriter. I did not explain anything to my previous authorities.

I hope Hussein did get the keys from kiosk. People talked chechens asked big money for quitting the business.

Yes, Andrey Ivanich, we are working. Creative work.

Our [people] are all ears and have discount at Rakushki garages.

I did not earn particulary much money, but it still was more than in field of vending.

Tonigh on Vernatski prospect Zhilin, director of Lefortovski confectionary enterprise, was killed. His SUV Grand Cherokee was fired at from passing car.

Investigation suggests Zhilin's murder was connected with his business activities. Criminal case has been proceeded.

Dear viewers, we have to interrupt our translation due to urgent announcement from embattled White House.

As it has become known, convocation of deputies has impeached President of the Russian Federation Boris Yeltsin.

Hello, girls! Hello, boys!

On page thirteen there is article with my picture. Alexander Blo!

Soviet mentality? It has to be squeezed as a pimple, drop after drop.

What is soviet mentality? I have never quite had it, but I lost it after working several years as a taxi driver in New York.

As we say it in commercial business - different cultural references. Bingo!

What is soviet mentality or sovok I didn't understand entirely. But, according to my new boss Dmitri Pugin, I didn't have to understand anything.

I had to manage it.

You see, sovok produces hardly anything himself.

But people need someting to eat and wear.

Thus, western production will be flooding here soon.

Together with it there will be wave of commercials, but we can't just translate these commercials from English to Russian

because here are different...how was it?...cultural references.

Me and you, we think up...understand, think up... dummies for all important brands.

As soon as time comes we go to agency with folder in our hands and make business.

Try Sprite for starters. They intend to enter Russia.

Taking in consideration requests adressed to me by leaders of objects in Russian Federation, deputies, members of parliament,

citizens of Russia, I have decided on the following...

As you know, in Western Europen countries Coca-Cola is more of an ideological fetish than refreshing drink.

If, for example, Hershey drinks posesses taste of victory, then Coca-Cola posesses taste of freedom.

Get to the point. Okay.

Let's look at classic slogan: Sprite - The Uncola. For our consumer term "Uncola" posesses wide antidemocratic

and antiliberal connotations which make it very attractive in state of military dictatorship.

Translating to Russian, Uncola woud be Ne-kola. Sounding similar to name Nikola and with associations in mind

this word perfectly fits in aesthetics of plausible future. Possible versions of slogans:

Sprite - Ne-kola for Nikola.

Probable text for commercial.

I drank birch Sprite in forest in spring!

The Uncola is slogan of Seven-Up, not Sprite.

That's nothing. We can use it. Let's assume you've passed your exam. Now try some other brand.

Yes? Which one?

It is completely clear that, in order to make serious conception on Parliament commercial, we must first of all take in account...

What must we first of all take in account was completely unclear.

Parliament - the Unjava.

Tihamat 2 Earth sea. Chronological tables and appendices.

I had found this folder in waste paper which we were sent to gather after school.

As a child I was ashamed of my name and tried to pretend to be Vova whenever possible.

It turned out that my given name surprised me in the moment when I had completely forgotten about the role

which, as I told my friends, secret doctrines of Babylon had to play in my life.

Legend of Great Lottery inspired me particulary. More precise version of translation - Game without name.

According to this legend, way to wealth and total wisdom went through sexual union with golden idol of goddess Ishtar.

Any resident of Babylon could become goddesses husband.

In order to do that he had to drink ritual beverage of heavenly fly-agarics, then go up ziggurat and solve three godesses riddles.

Riddles of Ishtar were presented by three symbolic objects which were handed to babylonian wanting to become priest of goddess.

He had to explain meaning of these objects. Those, who solved even one riddle incorrectly,

where thrown down by guards and it meant certain death.

Man who solved all three riddles correctly climbed on the top, met the goddess and became her ritual earthly husband.

Gireyev?

Tatarskiy. It's not possible to recognize you. Well, how are you doing?

Complete harmony. And you? Where are you hurrying?

I have a rough time now. I communicate mostly with businessmen and advertising agents.

They put heavy load on me! Some couple of those advertising agents

came to me in Rastorguyevo in winter. ???? and after that they ran naked through the snow.

Let's go to my place and you will see for yourself.

Gireyev, in his wild clothing, seemed like last shard of destroyed universe. Not Soviet (because there were no wandering Tibetian astrologists)

but of some other existing parallel with Soviet world and even in spite of it, but destroyed together with it.

What is this? Fly-agaric.

Are you gonna drink this? Don't worry. There are no Tawny Grisette's in it.

Such beverage was made in ancient Babylon, by the way.

Only they added urine of red ox together with fly-agarics.

Correct. That makes it milder.

What should I do now? Do what you want.

Can I talk? Go on.

Have you heard about Lesha Chikunov?

Imagine, he drank some bottles of Finlandia and froze to death in starry January night in little house in childern's playground.

Went to Valhalla...paradise of Scandinavian warriors.

Have you got more?

Dried fly-agaric remind potato crisps by the taste. A little bit. Only they are tastier [than crisps].

What if to sell them like crisps in packages?

What is that?

Aum. That the way I travel. Where to?

Where to? It's hard to explain where to.

Much becomes clear when you stop thinking.

Advertising conception for fly-agaric.

Highest form of self-realization for fly-agaric as a mushroom is nuclear blast.

Sort of a glowing and unsubstantial body which posesses some advanced mysticism.

People are just auxiliary lifeform which fly-agarics use for achieving their higher goal.

How strange it all turns out.

Chikunov died but we keep on living.

It's just that I suspect that every time we go to sleep we die exactly like that.

Death is exchanging usual morning awakenig with something else, only we have no possibility to think about it

because our mind and the world...

is one and the same. So there are no death.

Threads disappear but pearls remain intact.

Why? Because preads disappera but searls remain intact.

What?

I'd like to wrink dater.

Confounding of speech was called rising the Tower of Babel.

Maybe they drank this fly-agaric tea and words began to break in their mouths just like it happens with me now.

Won't you tell me how to so to gation?

Where telectric rain is?

Stop fooling around, bastard! Where telectric rain is...

To meet Hussein now...interesting, would he be startled?

What do you want?

Just one minute. I just wanted to ask you, as a member of target group, what associations word "parliament" incites in you?

There was a poem...

Parliament of Birds.

Thirty birds went looking for bird named Semurg

king of all birds and great master.

How did all that end? When they had overcome thirty tests

they found out "Semurg" means "thirty birds".

DO NOT MAKE CAMPFIRES! What is "tower creation" anyway?

Creation of a tower, not building.

When confounding of speech occures, Tower of Babel comes in existance.

Or, perhaps, not comes into existance, rather door to ziggurat simply opens?

Yes, sure. Here is the entrance.

Everything is not so simple. It is something like huge garage.

Forward! To the hanging gardens.

Three riddles of Ishtar. Everything fits.

Poster depicts bank of Moscow river. Historic tanks from '93 in foreground.

We see huge package of Parliament in the place of White House.

There are plenty of palm-trees growing around it. Slogan:

And Motherland's smoke is sweet and pleasant to us. Parliament.

Brilliant, Tatarksiy. You've hit the bull's eye. This very moment package of Parliament costs the same as package of Marlboro.

After these events, I think, it will cost twice as much.

Congratulations.

There are two methods of advertising, but, in our opinion, first of all name-change of company must be considered.

Tampako - drink made of tampons?

[Under the wing of mighty company] Agents of Rosgovstrah {insurance agency} fly over city

and help all of the needy. Guardian angels!

Let's implicate "diesel" in chastuska:

I and Ivan Ilyich worked on the diesel, I'm a dummy, he's a dummy, and our diesel got filched.

That's all. Young people are ours.

Let's look at scrip of commercial clip. Young man, similar to protagonist from movie "Brat"

sits on the bench. Cut to the next scene.

Well dressed man comes out of mansion. He looks around worried and rushes to the car.

Young man puts two Tic-Tac's in his hand, throws them in his mouth and shuts his eyes because of pleasure.

Voice behind the scenes: Bro liked the coolness, he fried all others.

Tic-Tac with menthol, real explosion of taste.

Hallo. Good day. This is Vladimir Hanin from Secret Advisor agency.

I got your number from Dima Pugin. Couldn't we meet today? Better right away.

What's happened? Dima kicked the bucket.

I know you worked with him. And he worked with me. So we are kind of acquainted. {Ideological department}

How did it happen? That was ???? Robber, it seems, knew

Pugin had worked as a taxi driver in New York. Forty Sixth and Broadway...

That's all he managed to tell the police and doctors. Seven gunshot wounds were found. Seven.

They were shot right through the back of the seat.

Let's commemorate him!

Let's get through your latest works, of course, if you have no objections.

I assume you understand Dmitri brought them to me.

Parliament...

There is nothing I can say. Good.

Next...there you have got problems. Big ones.

Tampako. One of your advices offended them badly.

But name "Tampako" is really repellent.

Our business is a lottery, you know.

You are not lucky in this lottery lately.

And I know why.

Why?

You...don't believe in what you do. You don't participate with your soul. Well, I don't!

You want me to let this Tampako in my soul?

No whore in Pushkin Square would do that. Don't strike a pose.

You misunderstood me. Posture is the same for all of us. Why do I tell that whore wouldn't do that?

The thing is not in repulsion. Whore get money in any case whether client likes her or not.

I must firstly...

No whore are gonna work on such conditions.

Whore, perhaps, won't work but we will if we want to survive in this business.

We will do much more.

Are you gonna join my staff?

What position? Creator.

That is [creator in Russian]? If to translate.

We need [creator in Russian] like shit. Creator, Vavan. Creator.

Let's get acquainted. Vavilen Tatarskiy. Please, love and and have pity on him.

Each brand has its legend - what is that?

Legend - that's how we translate "brand essence" And brand essence is...

concentrated expression of all image policy. Brand essence of Marlboro is...

Land of cowboys and ????

Don't be afraid, this is Malyuta. Malyuta, say "hello". Attaboy.

We had sergeant in our company, surname Harley.

Beast of a man.

But he drinked himself to death. How come?

Simply there is no life for Russian man now.

For how much more Davidsons will be riding our Harleys? Russia, wake up!

Is this a parody, Malyuta? You know, Tatarskiy...

I have seen your work. You did good with Sprite, but all the rest...small matters.

You don't need to orientate yourself on Atlantic values. We are Eurasians.

Little, vietnamese village. Last American war prisoners are there.

They have piles of Nike sneakers in different stages of completion in front of them.

At first they growl quietly, then they tap with footwear... We want American consul! I'm begging you!

And then - burst of machine gun!

Tall, handsome Vietnamese with smoking machine gun appears on the doorstep.

He says in clean English:

Just do it! Nike. Good wins.

What is this?

You think customer will like this commercial? We ourselves tell customer what he likes and what he does not like.

Tell me, why do people commision us to make commercials?

To sell the goods.

To sell the goods...let it be. But that's in America. But why do our people do that?

Maybe to feel themselves powerful. Powerful...that was some three years ago.

Now it is different. Nowadays client wants to show to big daddies, who follow very carefully what's going on the screen and in life, too,

that he can take a million dollars and throw them in garbage bin without thinking.

The worse commercial is, the better.

Tricky. Yeah, it's not the same thing as reading Al Ries.

ISHTAR

Hello.

What sizes do you have? This is the only left.

Exactly your size. Two thousand rubles. I take it.

Tell me, please, what is there...

Ouija board. Paper goes in here

Here you put pen, better ball pen. Hands are put like this.

I'm showing you. You contact a spirit.

You allow hands to move freely.

Pen will write down message received. Listen, don't be angry, but I need to know which spirit.

If you take it, I will tell you. I take it. How much?

Seventeen thousand. Oh, seventeen thousand...

What are you by occupation?

What do you do? Commercials.

It would be better for you to avoid any contacts with spirits. That will offend them the least.

Interesting...how do spirits guess that I work in the field of advertising? Is that written on my forehead?

No. It is written on commercial that it came out of your head.

I summon spirit of Che Guevara.

I want to know...let's say...something new about commercials.

So that I understood more than the rest.

Future depends on you. According to burgeois thought, every man is cell of organism called Economics.

But we call it simpler - Oranus, which means "moutharse" in Russian.

Each cell of Oranus, e.g. man with his economic qualities, has its own socio-psychic membrane allowing money to go in and out.

These processes are regulated by nervous system of Oranus - television and mass media.

Personality of man gradually decreases and man becomes program looking another program.

There are three kinds of impulses Oranus sends throughout its virtual organism:

oral, anal and extracting WOW-impulse [named after] commercial interjection "Wow!"

"Man is a wolf to man" said some winged Latin words.

But for a long time already man is not a wolf to man, man is not even image maker to man,

not a dealer, not a killer, not even distributor as modern soiciologists suggest.

All is much more horrifying and simpler: Man is WOW to man.

Not a man, but exactly the same WOW, so that projecting this Latin saying in contemporary

system of cultural coordinates it sounds like: WOW WOW WOW.

"One can't understand Russia using mind, Russian can only be believed in..."

Smirnoff. How's the beat? Do you snuff?

It happens. From time to time. That's bad. Membranes in the nose is almost the same as open brain.

Where has this powder come from? Who put in what places? Have you ever thought about that?

One must live clean.

How's that? Only LSD.

Only on empty stomach and only with prayer.

Fucking incredible! So much different ones.

Do they work differently?

Why? Picture is the most important thing.

You can't escape the fact. You swallow Mel Gibson or red clove... These three identical, what are they?

What is that man depicted? With hat and beard? I don't know who that is.

But this thing is special: acid mixed with {metabolic}. And dose is enough for company of soldiers.

How much? Hundred and fifty [thousand].

I have only hundred [thousand] left. Okay, give it here.

Do you want to die?

Sirruf has arrived. What?

Do you at least know this pass was meant for four people?

You are only one here. Or are there four of you?

Please, don't do this to me anymore. I made a mistake. I understand I shouldn't look at Tower of Babel.

Tower of Babel can not be seen. One can only climb up there. I am telling you this as the guardian [of the tower].

The thing you see is tophet. What is tophet?

That is the place were people were sacrificed by fire.

I don't understand! You can consider tophet to be ordinary TV-set.

Am I in TV? In some sense, yes. You see technical universe in which your world is burning down.

Fire, in which you burn, must be serviced. And you are one of maintenance staff.

Maintenance staff? You are copywriter, aren't you?

So you are one of those who make people stare into flame of consumerism.

Agree that it's better to warm by this fire than to burn alive in it.

Listen, I'm in a trouble. I've overdosed acid. I am reading mantra in such cases. Write it down.

What does it mean? It doesn't matter. Do you have vodka?

Your mantra does not work, Gireyev.

Damn, I am so guilty before you, Lord.

I live bad and uncorrect, I know.

But I have nothing foul in my soul, word of honour.

I won't eat this stuff anymore.

I just want to be happy.

But I do not succeed.

I deserve so!

But I know nothing more apart from writing bad slogans.

But for you, Lord, I will write good one. Word of honour.

They position you completely wrong. They don't dig it at all.

Just to take this last clip...they gather money for this church. There is this old woman with a box.

She gets a ruble from man driving Zaporozhets, then hundred bucks from Mercedes.

Idea is clear, but positioning does not suit at all.

The one driving Mercedes is ashamed [being] after Zaparozhets. Everybody knows that.

We need Mercedes drivers as target group.

Script for commercial.

Long, white limousine in front of Cathedral of Christ the Saviour.

Rear door is open. Light pours out of it.

Out of light comes sandal lightly touching the asphalt. And hand touches door handle.

We don't see the face. Just light, hand and foot.

Slogan: Solid Lord for solid gentlemen.

Lord, do yo like it?

Hallo. Vavan, how are you?

So... Did it come right?

More or less. Better tell me what was that mantra you gave me.

That is no mantra. That is a sentence in Hebrew. It means: "Give me a cucumber".

Real mantra. If you put "Aum" at the end...

Alright. Take care.

I'm going for beer.

Let's go.

Why couldn't you explain yourself like a man? Why did you abandon the kiosk?

I was drunk.

What do you do now?

I work. Where?

Who's that?

Acquantance. He has nothing to to with this.

With whom am I speaking?

Hanin?

Hello, Hanin.

Who am I?

My name is Hussein. I am member of Caucasian folk.

This is where you, shitface, are hiding!

You wanted to hide, didn't you? Wanted to get away?

Don't tense up. Sure, he is merchant, but he is my merchant.

What? He was my merchant when were still pasturing goat in the hills. I was not pasturing nanny-goats, rather billy-goats.

If you came here to butt, I will put a ring in your nose. Ring, you say...

This one.

Alright. Let's meet tomorrow and discuss things. Ten o'clock in the evening.

I take the young man. He comes with me.

Do get acquainted. This is Vavan Tatarskiy, one of our best specialists. This is Vovchik Maloy. Almost your namesake. He is also called Nietzschean.

That's bullshit. That was long ago. Anyway, he is our roof. He has a commission for you.

Listen carefuly and memorize. You will write it down.

Do you feel humiliations when you are abroad?

I hardly go there. Good boy.

When you go you will feel it. I tell it for sure.

They don't consider us to be people.

They think we are all shit and beasts. Why is there such attitude? Any opinions?

Because we watch their movies, drive their cars and even eat their food.

We produce only dough which, according to all thoughts, are also theirs - dollars.

Sure, I am no economist, but I feel... The things is fishy.

There is some shame buried.

Spirituality has gone missing somewhere in all this. But we are Russia! Just think about it - mighty country. You agree?

Listen, state the task. He is my head creator. In one minute he earns more than we both together in a week.

Okay, I will simply explain this to you.

Our business goes out to intornational arena.

There are many kinds of dough swirling around - Chechen, Colombian... You get the idea.

If you look at them as simply dough, they are all the same.

But there is some national idea standing behind every dough.

We had this comunism, but now it has ended and we have no idea at all. Except dough.

But there is no way dough could stand behind dough because then it is unclear why ones are in front and others are behind.

Learn Vavan! Checens have got it. We have not.

That is why they look at us like at shit.

We need simple, clear Russian idea.

So that I could take any bitch from any Harward and in easy words explain....and no need to look at me like that.

So that they wouldn't think that we, in Russia, have stolen the money and put iron door in front of it.

So that these biches felt such spirituality as in [year] '45! At Stalingrad! Understand?

In the beginning I didn't find this task to be hard. But, once sitting behind the table, I realized with terror that nothing, absolutely nothing comes in mind.

Fyodor Mihailovich, wouldn't you tell what Russian national idea is?

After summoning spirit of Dostoyevsky on which I put particular hopes, there was some side effects.

Sure, I could comfort myself with assumption that Russian idea was so transcendental that this was only way to at least record it on paper.

Come on in.

Anyway, I wrote what I could...

But I think I have flopped and this can't be shown to Vovochka.

Well...forget it. Vovchik was busted.

How? Simple.

He had shootout with your Chechens yesterday.

The swines dug entrenchment on nearby hill. When he drove over, they blasted from two rocket launchers "Shmel"... Horrific stuff. Have you heard about such?

Vovchik had armoured car, but it was armoured against normal people, not some degenerates.

What does that mean for us? Time off.

Indefinite time off. There were two telepfone calls already.

Police? Police. And Caucasians. They tell: we know you have got diamonds.

What diamons? What diamonds do I have? I don't know...

Okay, calm down.

Keep on living, loving, working.... Hallo? Yes, he's with me.

He is on his way. Go, they wait for you in parlour.

Hello. Hello.

What mug have you got! Need a job? I need a job.

Let's go. I will explain you on the way.

What a car...

Do you like it? Sure!

It turns on oral WOW factor. It sure does. That's why we drive it.

Listen, where are we going? I don't want to spoil the impression.

Behave naturally. Don't say anything excessive.

What does "excessive" mean? Sentences like this one.

Ministry of communications. Institute of apiculture.

Don't be afraid to look like a fool, Vavilen. On the contrary, don't look too smart.

More cynicism.

Have a seat.

We are already seaten.

Like it? Sure. Piaget Possession, if I'm not mistaken. It costs 170 000 dollars.

Piaget...really. Nothing gives away man's affiliation with lower classes

like skill to know expensive watches, cars... Stop smartmouthing!

How was it? Great. Just great.

I don't understand why is there such technology. That is exclusive, but somewhat unusual.

Did you see this poster in front of our office? Institute of Apiculture?

We here...

...as if bees...

Stop! You wait with Alla. I will have some words with a man.

Have a seat. Go on.

Leonid Azadovskiy.

Vladimir Tatarskiy. You are not Vladimir, but Vavilen. I know about it.

Well....I have read your works.

And, you know...

I liked them. We need things like that.

But there are moments when I don't believe truly. You write...collective unconsciousness.

Do you know yourself what is it? Well, on the level of collective unconscousness.

Aren't you afraid there is somebody who knows for sure?

Mr. Azadovskiy, I am not afraid. I am not afraid because everybody who knows for sure,

what collective unconsciousness is, long since sell cigarettes in subway. Well, in one way or another, I want to say.

Do you at least believe in anything?

I don't.

Alright.

What's next? Political views...

It is written: [upper left] {written in english}... I don't understand. Shit, soon they will be writing everything in English.

So, what are you by your political view?

Marketer. Rather radical one. And more precisely?

More precisely? Let's say...

I like it when life has...big tits. And so called Kantesque tit doesn't move me at all,

regardless of how much milk it has got.

Keep looking!

Go on! What were you saying about tits? Just keep it short.

If short...in tit market only Feuerbachesque tit moves me.

That's what I think. Better be it small...

but Feuerbachesque.

That's what I wanted to hear. Have you done the control?

I praise you.

What's that? Rostrapovich.

Take him by the paws. Front paws. Strech him like little Jesus.

Lord's hamster Rostrapovich is being decorated...

What does he get decoration for? I'm in a good mood. Jealous?

Why does he have such strange name? Vavilen, who would've talked, but you...

Can I? Shitty question.

Madman, where are you going! Don't you see I wash here? Sorry. Nice institute you've got here.

It happens frequently: you go on the street in early summer morning and see big, nice, speeding world full of promises

and happiness dissolved in heaven. And suddenly there is this piercing feeling for a fraction of second

that there is life spread out before you and you can go forth without looking back, risk with yourself and win,

fly on white motorboat across its sees, drive white Mercedes across its roads,

and nobody would dare to call you in American word "loser".

Excuse me, Mr. military man, wouldn't you tell me if I get to the center by this road?

It was much more greater in Kandahar! Sorry.

Fucking fool!

Think! Whom would you believe: soulless commercial or your family doctor?

Here you go.

Yeah, he began running so fast only after upgrade. Before we needed two days for such bulletin, now we do it overnight.

That's why we can count in more gestures, facial expressions. What counting?

Azadovskiy says you love it when life has big tits. Arkasha, you will be laughing but we must do it one more time.

This is the biggest one! Have another glass. You're still tense.

How much more?

Who is that? Arkasha. Earlier he played roles in Shakespeare plays.

What is he doing?

You will see now.

What are those buttons attached to him? Transmitters.

Arkahsa moves, we pick up the trajectory, combine it with model and...

Do the thing with your hand majestically and slower.

Listen, why is he depicted drunk if he's virtual? Higher raitings for [TV] channel.

Why does minute on prime-time cost forty thousand dollars?

Render-server 100/400. We can calculate up to hundred big and four hundred second-rate politicians.

Do Americans have the same? They have ten times bigger.

Look what characters do we have: Yeltsin, Zyuganov, Zhirinovskiy... Chekhov, "Three Sisters".

But this is huge fraud? Nonsense! We make their lives easier.

By its nature, every politicians is a TV-program. Those who move are half-dummies, those who don't move - simply dummies.

Tuborg. Two.

We write speeches for politicians, but who gives the objective? Who decides which way national politics will turn?

Oligarchs? Oligarchs also are our clients.

Simply half of them is for leader to put to use. We drive them around benefit nights, news, trials.

One can say, we fuck their wifes for them.

That is how?

Wait, there are people who meet them every day...

There are secret service called "Will of People". More than hundred people from former KGB. Azadovskiy feeds them all.

This is their job to go around and tell they have seen our leaders just moments ago.

Someone beside three-storey cottage, other with underage hooker, some in yellow Lamborghini on Rublevski highway.

Wait, where does all of this lean upon?

What are you doing?

Do not think about this. Never.

Could you turn up the volume?

My sonny made this commercial. I haven't seen it yet.

...I drank birch Sprite in forest in spring...

Bitches!

Who? If only I knew.

Blo! Hello.

You too here? Are you in compromising?

How do you know? Everybody starts there. To acquire skill.

Where do you work? Department of Russian Idea. There, in the wing.

If you have an idea, come by, okay? There's little use of me. I tried to think couple of times, nothing good.

You know, drive around outskirsts and ask people. I tried that in the beginning.

You give him a glassful, look into his eyes, but he answers: "Fuck the hell off, damn mercedes!"

They can't imagine anything greater than Mercedes. Very destructive.

This one yours?

Yeah, mine. Forty minutes of shame and you're at work.

Alright, everything is ahead. Bye. Bye.

....exchange ???? with democracy and add black rethorics! Malyuta!

How did you get here? I write image-menu for all ???

Have you heard about spiked kvass with horseraddish? Or pancakes with ???

All of those are my hits. You know each other, right?

So-so. We sat together. At Hanin's. So you will have no problems working together.

Yes, Monopoly in Russia is a problem. You buy some streets and then turns out pople are living there.

And people think those are their streets. Not exactly so. In our days people get to know what they think from TV.

So, if you want to buy couple of streets and not to have pale look afterwards, you have to make sure your TV-tower hangs above them beforehand.

I sell my TV-announcer. I don't like television. I buy it.

What's up, Salman? I feel jumpy. My head is not armoured, no question about it, but your is also like that. You know it.

My infantry all around here. What were you told through transmitter?

It is written in Forbes that you grab everything as you run. But every man grabbing everything as he runs, Forbes continue,

must be prepared that one day he will be grabbed. Your infantry takes a rest.

You subscribe Forbes? Sure. Chechenya is in Europe now.

If you're so cultured, why do you grab the gun? Let's do it like two Europeans, without these wolfish ways.

By the way, who is filming us with hidden camera? What camera?

What is that case on the windowsill?

Listen, Tatarskiy...

where do you work? In PR department of LogoVaz or in my department of compromising?

In department of compromising. If I didn't knew this Berezovsky was created within these walls

I'd think you get your salary from him. And Raduyev?

He's like professor of holy scriptures. He reads magazines even I haven't heard about.

But...there must be some logic in development of story.

I don't need logic. I need compromising. And this is no compromising. This is shit. Understood?

Well, there is some good grain. It incites hatred against television. One wants to watch it and hate it.

An another "pro":

Monopoly.

You thought it up yourself? I did.

That's a fortune: oligarch and terrorist divides national goods behind gaming-table.

Hatred will thrive.

Wouldn't it be too much? No. People must have their brains occupied, let their emotions burn out.

So, this Monopoly thing is not bad. It will get up our rating for at least five per cent. Sit.

Well....

Let them play Monopoly. We'll tell the director to cut in various scenes: lines at savings banks, miners, old folk, hungry children, wounded soldiers...

You know, Markovin, involve in this Malyuta from geopolitics department. Get the material fast. Hot.

Well, do we have anything more? Commercials of new type.

Get rolling! We have twenty more minutes.

RUSSIA MOMMY

KOLYA OGORODNIKOV

Well?

I don't understand a thing. What do they sell? Yeah, what product?

Pickles.

You don't understand one thing. We don't infuse with pickles, but with patriotism.

Breaking news! Secret negotiations between Raduyev and Berezovsky. You will see how oligarch and terrorist plan to monopolize natural resources and human consciousness.

What cataclysms do they prepare for Russia?

Today, 10 PM, Farskeykin show.

Take this.

Twenty from Berezov.

Ten from Basayev. And two from ????

I don't understand. Do they give us their money so that we would compromise them?

Again?

I told you: don't take it in your head.

If you are given money, somebody must have reason to do so.

You yourself must do the pinching!

As soon as something like that comes into yor mind, pinch yourself or prick with something sharp.

You know, for this purpose I have got a pin. English pin.

I have it from year '96.

When I have these thoughts in my head...

I open it at once.

So it is.

Quiet.

I will explain everything.

Who was the last one to use Ivanov? Seva, as usual. What's happened?

You changed cigaretes on your own, bitch! You yourself wanted montage with Gitanes. Anti-american coalition...

Whom are you lying to, scumbag! Whom are you lying to! We have two-year deal with Camel!

Wait, I have something important to tell....

Wait, I want to tell important...

Did you see bulletin? I did. He waves package of Gitanes throughout the whole interview.

When must it be aired? - Tomorrow. And what should we do?

????? Exchange Gitanes for Camel!

Go or I'll kill you!

Make some suggestions.

Maybe we could put his hand into plaster so that package couldn't be seen.

Exactly. [He was] attacked. Attempt to blow up his car.

What legend do we make? Legend must be plain and simple.

Chechens, Islamic factor...

Suicide bomber in old Mercedes hits his car...

It's brilliant, but where can we get old Mercedes at 10 AM?

Maybe, Zhiguli? What Zhiguli! Mercedes! Solid and for sure!

One don't economize on ???

I saw white Mercedes in our parking-lot. Someone drives white Mercedes...

Go on! Faster!

I got new ???? there.... You fucking lost your mind! What ??? What are you thinging!

Now you go to film crash with Mercedes and Volga. Take this asshole Seva and put him in one of the driver's seats.

I need explosion! Blood and shards.

Today on Naberezhnaya there was an attemp to kill general Ivanov who was on his way to parliament.

Mercedes filled with explosives hit Volga. By miracle general remained alive, but his driver perished. Criminal case has been iniciated.

I think all leads found in scene of the crime point to Chechens. You can see exclusive footage...

....listen, Azadovsky was in two clips yesterday. I see him every time I turn on TV. What does all this mean?

Does he like having himself filmed? Yes, he's got such weakness.

This is my advice for you: don't stick your nose into it for now. Perhaps you will get to know later. Agreed?

Alright. Turn on the TV. Get to work right away! We have a crysis. Seva has deleted the government.

What does "deleted the government" mean? He wrote a program which was supposed to delete whole folder at the end of the month.

He put it inside file Kireyenko. Then this program infected whole government. After that - everything to default.

He wanted to tell something important before he died.

It's a pity this scumbag got such an easy death.

Get ready. The driver, Kolya, is waiting for you downstairs.

...no ikons, no Gordayev, no show "The Third Eye" will save from villains who steal oil and gas" Advertising service of Russian Radio.

And now news of Russian Radio. We have received report from Kremlin just now that president Yeltsin has signed order about dismissing Kireyenko's government.

Candidature of new Prime Minister is not asserted yet. It is possible to say Russia has no government at the moment.

Vavilen Vladimirovich, how to go on living if you don't believe in anything?

If you have conscience,

you will surrend your seat to old lady although you don't want to do it.

That's the whole truth of life.

Well, what is said...

The strong help the weak.

But not at us. At us it is - smother.

Rich - give away. But not at us.

Rake more and put guards in addition. So that it wouldn't get stolen.

You're a joker, Nikolai.

Vavilen Vladimirovich, I have got a joker in my pants.

Perhaps, we drop a hint to change in course? What?

We broadcast something... What do we broadcast?

What is usually broadcasted in such cases? Swan Lake. You know...

By the way, according to prophecy of Ilyin authoritative regime, national by its inclination, will be reborn in Russia.

Do you understand where does it lead? No, I don't understand!

We are the Third Rome, the one which is on Volka. From here comes our complete historical self-sufficiency and national virtue...

Yeah...yeah...harsh. What?

You remember, Philotheus said there would be no forth [Rome]... You remember?

And ???? said: Drink that day. But he didn't say which [day] exactly.

So, let's be drinking every day in order not to miss that day.

Why are you buffooning all the time, shitface? What did you yourself propose?

I propose a toast to you, Marlen, to your wooden mind.

Why are you squabbling? Why are you squabbling, fucker?

And why are you ????? What did you say?

How was this discharge? Great!

Exactly. If you ???? then do it properly. We need to give people a show.

Then it will forget about everything: mommy, daddy, work, wife. And most important - it will forget about government.

By the way, good brawl could substitute governement.

But who will be so sharp?

You haven't understood yet, have you?

We will create him ourselves. Can we do it? We can. Just give the shape.

We wil draw him and then even put in Kremlin.

We look at poor man...

We know - liars. It was shown on TV - all mafia. Just give him those fifty kopeck.

You're mistaken. Why do you believe that box all the time?

Real mafia are those who sit by the joysticks - five men manipulating with us. It won't work!

Here is Kolya. Our prototype.

Kolya, our advertising agency needs you. I am no Snickers to be advertised.

Name? Name? Ivanov.

Lame. Vasiliy?

No, Vasya, that's... How do you like Smirnov?

Good Russian last name, but, most important, world's biggest brand.

During preelections we start advertising campaign for Smirnoff vodka, thus we can flood city with commercials.

Nostrils...change nostrils a bit.

No, not here... Movemens must be more convincing, much more convincing than in life.

Now turn him around. Don't be afraid of nothing. We'll sort out everything.

Brilliant. Good. Beauty. Go on with computing.

Preelection race has begun...

Attacker turned out to be former fighter pilot Nikolai Smirnov whom we found in a vehicle...

Nikolai, why did you make the brawl... I can't stand ????

Do you intend to get involved in politics or are you weak?

Don't call me weak, get it?

Leader of the race is still KPRF, according to news more than 24% of electorate had voted for them until 14:00.

Peak of communism? Rating of KPRF higher than ever. Smirnov: "Attention!"

Pushed - and pushed out. Inciator of brawl in Council runs for president.

Smirnov - our saviour? Smirnov went good! Summaru of first degustation of new candidate for president.

Smirnov [goes] from brawlers to rulers.

Add moustache and decorations.

Sveta, I asked you not to call me at work!

Why is he beaming like a dumbass? Take that smile away.

My friends, did I think when I was little boy in Siberia that I would stand by the wheel of such a huge machine?

But, with such team as we have, even devil himself is harmless. TAMPAKS. The reds won't get through!

Cunning. People won't even notice we don't infuse with hygene pads but with anxiety.

And then - boom! - Smirnov [Smirnoff]. As only answer to created anxiety.

You're a genius after all, Vava. Son of a bitch.

Hallo. Markovin, look left righ away.

Do you know what it is? Oh, this...Azadovskiy told recently.

It was mean to be AAW station, some kind of ???? And then, you understand yourself...

How is the station, we're going to, called? Rastorguyevo. Classic, dirty boozer in Moscov suburbs.

Leva like to drink beer there in order to realize what he has achieved in life. Hello, folk!

How is my folk drinking?

Vava, I have a request for you. Let's go outside and talk.

Two of my brother moved here from Yerevan and decided to open their business.

Exclusive funeral parlour with higher class services.

I ask you as a friend, write some normal slogan which would really work on target group.

How is the business called? By last name. Funeral parlour of brothers Debirsian.

You will be laughing, but one of your acquaintances was our client.

Who was it? Hanin. Agency "Secret Advisor".

He was busted. By whom?

It's a dark story. Something in connection with diamonds. I'll go to take a tinkle. Wait me here.

I'm standing, buying half a liter [of vodka] in grocery store Kurskova. Suddenly, you imagine, there comes in...Smirnov! Damn!

Grey coat, mohair scarf and a cap. No bodyguards around. Just in right pocket there's a bulge as if there is a gun inside.

I'm watching with my mouth open, he noticed it, winked his eye, and off out on the street.

Such things happen! Damn. This Smirnov is one cool guy...

Will of People?

Take care of him.

Guys, everything is OK. I'm friendly troops.

Diamonds are not forever. Funeral parlour of brothers Debirsian.

Fucking diamonds ????

Tatarskiy! Will of People!

What is the choice of Russia? Russia chooses Smirnov.

Why is it turned upside down?

Long talk. Where do you come from?

It's long talk as well.

Yes. Vavan, you alive? Where are you?

Alive... These dumbasses were beaten just now, probably sent to jail.

Azadovskiy laughed so much after interrogation. He said you took all stress away from him.

Next time you'll get decorated together with Rostrapovich. Should I send a car for you?

No, thanks, I will go home. Nerves don't work. Yea...I can understand. Go and heal yourself.

Just don't be late tomorrow. We have very important event - Azadovskiy's collection. Spanish selection.

You know, they consider me to be a hamster.

What? It's not important.

Have you got more fly-agaric?

I have. But I won't be [taking them] with you. After that case...sorry.

I will pour you some vodka. It hits so hard on your brain when pure. Vodka calms it down.

You know, Andryuha, I don't want it to sound pathetic but many thanks to you.

What for? For allowing to live parallel life sometimes.

Without it real one would be so repulsive...

Just don't be late tomorrow. We have very important event...

Arrived? Where are we?

In Ostankino. Sorry for blindfold and stuff... You yourself understand - ritual and traditions.

Afraid?

Don't be afraid. It's all nonsense.

Alla! Show him everything. I have some business to attend.

Whom of great Spaniards do you love the most?

Velazquez. Me, too. I'm dead gone for the old man.

How do you do, Farsuk Karlovich? This one's Picasso. Ceramic Figure of a Running Woman.

This sculpture was bought for seventeen million dollars.

But where is the sculpture itself? If you're interested you can have a look at how it looks like.

There is a catalogue on that table. This is the current tendency in design. Monetaristic minimalism.

It was born in Russia. Do you like it?

Interesting. Though not completely understandable. I will explain. Take a walk.

If honestly, you saw a picture once, twice... and what new will you see there after that?

Nothing. Exactly. We will return here later. To have champagne.

Bend you heard. Ceilings are low there.

Put it on.

Let's go. Where to?

Don't be afraid. It's all friendly troops in there.

Don't fidget. And don't betray us. Don't think we are all fucked up here.

I don't give a damn, but you can't do without it in our business.

Have you been in pioneer camps? I have.

Remember, there was this Neptune day when everybody was was being poured over with water?

Yes, it was so. Pretend this is such Neptune day. Tradition.

Anyway, the thing is this. There was once an ancient goddess. According to this legend gods are also mortal and die exactly like men.

It was time for this goddess to die, she, naturally, didn't want to and she divided herself in her death and her not wanting to die.

She became gold, but not a metal. In figural sense, understand?

She became that which crave all human beings. All gold in general.

But her death became a lame dog with five paws who must always lie in some faraway northern country.

This is him depicted. See? With a paw instead of a dick. I read something of the kind in my university books.

What book? About our office? No, about heathen gods.

There was a lame dog with five paws named Pisdets among these gods.

According to legend, this dog lies somewhere far away in snow. When he aways, it will set in.

I didn't get it.

To whom will this pisdets set in?

It's not that it will set in to somebody or something. It will be pisdets for everything.

How is the goddess called? She has no name.

Once, long ago, she was called Ishtar.

It's the same with lame dog. But you said correctly all the rest. I think you understand particular responsibility lays on Russian people.

Because the dog is lying exactly here.

Stand on your knees. Take off the mask.

You are the medium

and you are the message.

What is that liquid? Dog's blood.

I hope I don't have to explain symbolism?

No. I'm no fool. I have read something.

What's next? Next you have to look inside Sacred Eye.

Don't be afraid. Through this eye goddess recognizes her husband.

Since she already has a husband, this is pure formality. It's quite tense when somedy else looks inside the Sacred Eye.

But it's been good so far. So, go on.

What's up? What's going on?

There is nothing going on. Everything has gone by.

But why?

It was predicted by orale that Isthar would have new husband on our country.

We have been experiencing problems with Azadovskiy for a long time already.

But we couldn't understand who the new one was.

The only thing know was...he would be a man with name of a city.

We thought, we searched... Then your file is brought to me from Department One.

And it turns out you, Vavilen, are the one as far as we're concerned.

Me? But why me?

I don't know. Ask yourself. Goddess didn't choose me for some reason.

Will I get strangled some day? That's part of the profession.

If you have any problems, come straight to me. Here's the first advice.

As soon as you move into Azadovskiy's office, throw the hell out that cocaine-soaked carpet.

Farsuk Karlovich, tell me a secret...

Who is actually in charge?

Here's second advice for you. Don't stick your nose in. You will be alive god for longer.

Although, honestly speaking, I don't know myself despite being in business for so many years.

What's this? 3-D scanner. Newest model. It was brought yesterday.

According to ritual, husband of the great goddess must be digitalized. Come here.

Don't be afraid! Scanning is not painful at all. Sit down.

Hold your back straight. This will be your main sacral function.

Well, husband of the great goddess won't be you, rather your 3-D model. You will be kind of regent or something.

Don't pay attention. It's calibration.

Farsuk Karlovich... Yea?

Have you heard about a bird named Semurg?

I haven't. What's that bird?

There was this Eastern poem...I haven't read it myself, just heard about it.

It's about thirthy birds looking for their king Semurg.

Overcoming multitue of various tests, they found out "Semurg" means "thirty birds".

So what? Nothing.

I just thought our generation which chose Pepsi...

Perhaps we all together are this lame dog with five paws.

And now we are, so to say, setting in.

So, freeze now and don't wink.

Ready? Ready!

I am bowing down before living god...

Hallo.

Hallo. I am bowing down before living god.

What are the orders for today, chief? No orders for now.

Although, no. You know what? There will be something.

Firstly, let carpet in office be taken away, I've fed up with it.

Secondly, from this day there should be only Coca Cola in refreshment room, and no Pepsi.

Thirdly, Malyuta doesn't work for us anymore.

Why? Because we need him as much as dog needs fifth paw.

He's just mutilating other people's scripts and we lose money. And you, Allochka, keep in mind:

when I say something, you don't ask why, but take your pencil and write it down. Understood?

Yeah. That's good.

Yes, one more thing. I totally forgot. Yes, I'm listening.

Take care of Rostrapovich.

Second stage in advertising campaign of Megaphone...

Che Guevara, in guerilla clothing among his friends down in jungle. Cell phone screen lit up.

It is written there: "Roaming. Even in Bolivia. Megaphone."

3-D double of Vavilen Tatarsky appeared on screen for unaccountable number of times,

but Tatarskiy himself, remembering those gone-by, as if in dream, days, like to rewatch just some clips.

"There were they in great fear: for God is in the generation of the righteous." Passage from Psalm 14.

Only few suspected this was Tatarskiy's advertising stunt for Pepsi-Cola, made up in accordance with his own advertising technology of WOWism.

American religious fundamentalists - coca-colists - stomps jars of Pepsi-Cola as symbol of liberalism.

With ruler's order...

Everybody remembers appearance of Vavilen Tatarskiy in role of Stenkirazin in monumental commercial for Head & Shoulders.

??????????

????????????????

???????????

When your head is taken away, you don't cry after your hair.

Well known is commecial for Moscow shop-chain GAP where Tatarskiy was filmed togehter with his deputy Markovin.

Kandagar was bigger!

3-D double of Tatarsky participated in political life.

His appearance in funeral of political technologist Farsuk Karlovich Forseykin

who was mysteriously strangled with skipping-ropes in Sandunovski bathohouses, is also known.

Tatarskiy's slogan for American Express is written in history: World is place where business meets money.

It is known that Tatarskiy's favorite job was advertisment for beer Tuborg. After watching it, as whispering told his secretary Alla,

tears came to Tatarskiy's eyes.

The commercial itself didn't pass WOW-test, thus it was not aired even once.

Stop! What's that with my eyes?

What is it? Those are sad eyes. Do something.

That's a different matter. And wider smile. More. Like that.

We are not advertising a product, but simple human happiness.

Life is a lonely journey, under scorching sun and chilling cold.

How often the road we are going leads us nowhere! And it is unknown when death will meet us.

When you think about it, everything in the world seems empty and small.

Then enlightenment kicks in: "Tuborg - be prepared for anything."