Original subtitles

From prehistoric times, from the earliest known history of man...

and woman.

On the very spot which was later to become known as Transylvania

the original vampire made his first appearance,

and he was called Dracula!

Over the centuries, the vampire legend continued

as bit by bit or bite by bite as it were,

the curse was passed from ancient Rome to the modern home.

Long fangs were to a vikings liking or a knights delight,

which all goes to prove that the fang is mightier than the sword.

Over the centuries a lust for blood was found in kings, crusaders, and soldiers

as well as emperors, dictators, and other general nuisances that cluttered

the pages of history.

As anyone with average perception could tell, the vampire is not only still with us

but has become increasingly difficult to identify.

Therefore, trust no one with pointy teeth.

Especially, if their using a syringe.

According to a recent survey, one in three people is a vampire. Think of it.

Think of three of your closest friends. If they seem alright to you,

then you're the one.

For the tell tale signs that wait and watch.

Watch for a man with pointy teeth, and a cigar, and money, and a pen,

and a pen, and a fat hand, and a contract, and black socks, and a mask,

because he's the Tooth Fairy.

In collaboration with Quartet films presents the Dracula movie

to end all Dracula movies.

- The year is 1784.

The place, Eastern Romania,

far into the dark reaches of the Carpathian Mountains

along a seldom traveled winding road,

a carriage and its anxious occupants

race against the oncoming darkness.

A lady of breeding and her guardian,

a young adventurer, and a man of the cloth.

Unaware that his attractive traveling companion

soon will become the bride of Dracula.

- Boris, did he say bride of Dracula?

- What you're asking me?

I don't speak English.

Besides, look out for holes in road.

- What holes?

- Those holes, Dr. Voyachek.

Go check at passengers people,

I look at wheel, goddamn it.

- We hit hole in road and got a small problem.

- How long will it take to fix, my boy?

- Suddenly, out of the fog

in the midst of the Transylvanian night,

a gleaming black carriage comes upon the stranded travelers.

Inside, the emissary to the Prince of Darkness himself,

Juan Miguel Roberto Jose Fidel Martinez del Morto,

also known as Jim.

- John.

- Marcia?

- John, John, John.

- Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

- John.

- Marcia?

- John was just remarking on how marvelously quiet

things have been today, Brunhilde.

- Ix-nay, Arcia-May.

Or you'll egnant-pray by Saturday.

- Saturday?

I wonder what she could possibly mean.

- I will take this, madam.

- He picks that up as though it were nothing.

It is laden with my precious gold and silver.

- If she ever knew

I stole her precious gold and silver.

Thank God she don't suspect.

- The Count awaits, my dear.

Are you ready?

- I was ready before I met this stiff.

Farewell, for now.

- Allow me to welcome you both to Transylvania.

- Oh, Juan Miguel!

- Call me Jim.

- That has got to be

the biggest hickey I've ever seen.

- The count is awaiting your arrival

most anxiously, milady.

And so until tomorrow we bid you good night.

Say good night, Brunhilde.

- Good night, Brunhilde.

- I...

Good night, Jim.

- Marcia.

Come.

Come, Marcia.

I have waited more than 400 years for this moment.

Marcia.

What beautiful music we will make together.

- What a wonderful organ.

- Go look in the glass.

You'll be quite surprised at what you see.

- Oh.

- Not one mark on you.

- Amazing.

Brunhilde was mutilated.

- Juan Miguel is no more than an amateur.

- Jim?

- I will love you my dear.

Forevermore.

- I bet you say that to everyone.

- There have been some.

- But I am different.

- Yes you are different.

So you will become the bride of Dracula.

- Bride?

- What would the neighbors say

if they suspected we were living together?

I promise you that from this day, from our union,

there will emerge a new Prince of Darkness.

Congratulations, madame.

You have been delivered of a son.

We shall call him Young Dracula.

Put him in his box.

- He has changed, master.

At his midnight feeding he wanted milk instead of spiders.

- Don't let him bug you.

And now my dear.

- Do not distress yourself.

Just two small marks.

They're charming.

You can hardly notice them.

I was exceedingly careful.

- It's not that.

It was the mirror.

- Have you forgotten the vows of your marriage contract?

You will never see your reflection in the mirror again,

which is one of the minor inconveniences of our race.

Besides, what use will you have for a mirror?

I will remind you of your beauty.

You will always have me.

- Meanwhile, in another part of town,

a familiar figure approaches the house of young God.

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Orange.

- Orange who?

- Orange you glad I didn't say Dracula?

Come along boy, I've got something to show you.

- Having been plagued for centuries

by the curse of the living dead,

the people of Transylvania were now

even more terrified than before.

It would only be a matter of time before the infant son

of the Prince of Darkness

would fly in the footsteps of his father.

Desperate for a solution to their needs

and to avoid what could only result in abject hopelessness,

The man of the cloth insisted that he had found

the way. - A double cross, my boy.

Think of it Like nothing else in the entire world.

Let me show you how.

- The only thing is, you should never put it down.

- But I detest priests.

- Providence, my dear Marcia, it's your destiny.

Remember that men of the cloth

stand for truth, justice, and the Transylvanian way.

Jim.

- Remember my boy,

not only will the double cross ward off vampires,

but don't you know it would look very nice

in Christmas seals as well.

Good night dear lad.

May the cross be with you.

May the cross be with you.

- The double cross!

- Madam, please, it is almost time.

- But we mustn't waste it.

There are people starving in Europe.

- Madam, this is Europe.

- Well then there are people starving in China,

and in Cincinnati.

- Cincinnati is not a country, madam.

- Oh, what about Africa and India?

I know there are people starving in India.

And what have you got to say about that?

- Oh my god.

- No!

- Come on, madam.

I insist.

- Oh please.

Let me go back.

- Unhand that woman, you despicable cur!

Or by all that is holy

you shall feel the sting of the Transylvanian double cross.

I swear by the soul of that poor dead man behind me

that your fate shall be the same as his.

- No, no, not that!

Anything but-

- Marcia!

- John.

John, I...

- Marcia, what's a nice girl like

you doing in a place like this?

Marcia, don't just stand there.

Why don't you say something?

Marcia?

- Well done, man of the cloth.

As my first victim, I shall reward you handsomely.

Wanna fool around?

- Me?

- Milord.

Dawn's approaching she's going to burn!

- Hold your tongue.

- Yah!

Yah!

Yah!

- And so the princess of darkness comes finally

to rest within the confines of the great Castle Dracula.

Nevermore, with a look that is a kiss

to darken his life again.

- Marcia.

- Time passes slowly when one does not

thoroughly enjoy oneself.

And though the years gone by may pluck from the memory

of rooted sorrow and raze out

the recent troubles of the brain,

the dust of an earthy today

becomes the earth of a dusty tomorrow.

For well he knows that life, even for the dead, must go on.

- Thank goodness for the boy.

He's all I have left.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Shame on you.

One does not play with the ashes of one's mother.

- See here, young man!

Drink your blood before it clots.

- Young man, do what you're told and get into your box.

It's almost dawn.

You must stop feeding him between transfusions.

- Na na na-na na!

- Young Dracula?

Where are you?

Victor?

Victor!

Victor, open this door at once!

I'm melting!

I'm melting!

- Are you satisfied?

Really you know how difficult it is to get help these days.

I wish you'd grow up.

- With the turn of the century

and the passage of more than 120 years,

the family resemblance is indeed astonishing.

The deep piercing eyes, the stature, the grace,

and the mustache are the only noticeable differences

between father and son.

- Drive on, Jim.

Why are you wearing that ridiculous false mustache?

- Because I don't want to be recognized!

I'm not cut out for this stuff, you know.

- Try it, you'll like it.

Ah, perfect.

Don't let her get away.

- Get away?

She can hardly move.

Look. Why don't we come back tomorrow?

- That won't do!

I refuse to feed you out of a bottle

for the rest of your life.

You're 120 years old and still without your first victim.

- Couldn't we start

with something more attractive?

She looks like a truck driver.

Besides, I've seen better legs on a piano.

- We are not interested in her legs.

- Say that again.

Well, madam, did anyone ever tell you you bear

a startling resemblance to Annette Funicello?

I think I'm going to be sick.

- Get on with it.

- Trick or treat.

- What a nice boy.

- Would you do me a favor?

Go behind a tree and scream.

- Blast, you nitwit!

You should have been a bloody boy scout.

- I know you'll never believe this.

- What?

- But actually I'm about 50 years older than you.

You see, long ago...

- The years passed,

and revolution gives way to peace,

but not without a price.

The stately baronial castle once feared by peasants

and royalty alike has become yet another cluster of ruins

in the countryside.

With no thought of tradition,

nor remembrance of the great evil that once was,

It is now known as The People's House of Pleasure and

Proletariat Dance Hall.

The rose land of Romania.

Together with his son and faithful companion,

The Prince of Darkness lives now only in the shadows

of winding passageways and misty labyrinths.

His spirit all but broken in the memory of days gone by,

he wonders what the future can hold

with the present in such poor and frivolous condition.

- If they keep this up, we won't have anything, I've had it!

Wake up!

We're leaving.

- You alright?

What's the matter?

- There are Romanians running all over the parlor!

That's what's the matter.

- In the parlor?

- Where I met your mother.

- Hey, what's the ruckus?

What's going on up here?

Move over.

Oh.

Now that's not bad.

- Your father thinks it's very bad, kiddo.

- Oh, come on.

Let me see it.

Ooh, let me see.

Whoa!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

How about comrades?

- Run, master Victor!

- I think we're in big trouble.

Hold them off, I'll go and get help.

Pop!

- Come along, Victor, there's not a moment to lose.

Well, look at here.

Where is that cross?

- What is cross?

- And so the end of Jim.

Without bag 'o baggage, our two dauntless denizens

of the dark vanish into the misty night.

- Where we going, pop?

- We are going to Paris, my boy.

- But how do we get past the border guards?

- And what happens if the sun comes up

and we're stuck without a casket?

You don't exactly qualify for American Express, you know.

- Shut up and look where you're going.

- What's up next pop?

- Don't call me pop.

What's up next is to find a couple of live ones so to speak.

Ahh. Just what we're looking for.

The two French sailors, there.

- Don't tell me your idea of live ones

is those guys over there.

- Indubitably, booboo.

- Don't call me booboo and I won't call you pop.

Anyway, all I see is two pom-poms and a mustache.

- Is that what you see?

Two pom-poms?

- And a mustache.

- You have missed the most important thing.

Our passport to freedom.

- It's not easy getting

these screws out with your teeth.

I almost broke a fang.

- Sir.

Look, here!

- How come this is not fastened?

They screw up everything else.

- Must be three hours I'm working on this thing.

I can't budge it.

I wish I was dead.

- You are dead.

- Don't remind me.

- L'chaim.

- L'chaim?

What does L'chaim-

- Mazel Tov.

- Is this the end of a legend?

Will the Prince of Darkness be seen no more?

And what of his son,

washed ashore in a lonely and deserted beach near Paris?

- Hang on to him!

- I got one!

Don't let him get away!

Damned immigrant!

- Before I launch my attack on you ruffians,

it might interest you to know

that I hold a black belt in karate.

- Meanwhile, the Mexican fishing ship

La Cucaracha raises its final catch of the day.

But wait.

Could this be a red herring,

or is there more inside than meets the eye?

- Ay caramba!

Santa Maria, Jose!

Ay, Mira Mira!

- Fools.

Will they never learn

that a vampire can't be seen with a mirror?

- By the way,

how did you happen to get mixed up with the three gorillas?

- I hit the big one with my pocket book.

- Hey.

Hey what time is it?

- Forget it.

- Hey up there, what time is it?

Hey!

- It's seven o'clock,

and time for music at dawn.

- Good grief.

Stop the truck, dammit!

- I got to get to bed!

- But I don't even know you.

- Terrific.

Hey!

- I don't believe this.

- Shut up you pineapple

and try to think of something

to get us out of here, will you?

- Hey, wait, what are you doing?

- Stop this truck!

- My god, he's an animal.

I love you!

- Why don't you look out you stupid son of a bitch!

- Come over here you son of a,

I'm gonna kill you, break your, what are you doing to my,

what are you, come over, you no good fruitcake!

I kill you!

- Wait.

Please!

You forgot my phone number, hey!

Are you there?

Can you hear me?

Hello.

Please listen to me.

I wanna give you-

Well lookie here, Buford.

- What are you doing in our neighborhood?

- Waiting for a bus.

- You better start

saying your prayers, fruitcake.

- Oh boy.

- Meanwhile, in London,

the Cucaracha unloads a mysterious cargo,

little knowing how serious an effect it will have

on her majesty's sleeping citizens.

- Come on, lad.

- Oh he's a gentleman he is.

- Oh, strange man.

- Strange smell.

Smells like fish.

- Strange place.

- Things are not much better in Paris

where young Dracula looks for his first job

in a noisy metropolitan hospital.

Few jobs can offer the security found

about the modern hospital,

especially for an old fashioned vampire.

And so it would seem that young Dracula was finally ready

to strike out on his own.

- Hi, going my way?

- Drop dead.

- Maybe we could get together sometime

before the cock crows.

- Weirdo.

I wonder how pop is doing?

- Just outside of London, The Prince of Darkness

continues to suffer from starvation, anemia,

and rubber poisoning.

In one last herculean effort to survive

he staggers from his hiding place

to keep an unexpected date with destiny.

- Laura, do you see what I see?

- A phone booth?

- No, the guy in the cape.

Look at him, he's a dead ringer for Christopher Lee!

- Oh wow.

- Oh my god.

He's perfect.

Oh, wow.

Right out of heaven.

- Okay, let's give it a whirl.

Blood of the Vampire, scene 23, take one.

Through the door, sweetheart, good.

Now lots of authority.

And!

- I am count Dracula.

And I was sent here to see Van Helsing.

Tell him I will wait no longer.

- What do you want?

- Van Helsing's not here, go away.

I said go away!

- Close but no cigar honey,

it sounds like a Bund meeting.

- with steady employment

and the freedom to come and go as he pleases,

young Dracula begins to notice

an interesting change in his lifestyle.

- What do you say we-

- Can't talk now, in a rush, yeah.

- Although he still enjoys the thrill

of stalking his victims,

and sneaking about in darkened corners,

he realizes that in place of murder and mayhem,

he's beginning to prefer simple robbery.

He also begins to develop a severe case of coffee nerves.

- Who are you?

- What's the matter?

- Do you have any idea What you just dumped on the floor?

Stupid.

That might've saved somebody's life.

- I'll drink to that.

- What type are you?

- Me?

Are you hard of hearing or what?

- Ow!

- You're not supposed to get it from me,

I'm supposed to get it from you.

Stop hollering.

You want to wake up the dead?

- I don't know.

- Blood of the Vampire, scene 23, take...

- 15.

- 15.

Boris Karloff would be nice, try that.

- I am Count Dracula.

I was sent here to see Van Helsing.

I...

Wait a second.

- What do you want?

Van Helsing is not here.

He's in the Grand Canyon.

- Does anybody get the feeling

we'll never get this thing in the can?

- I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole.

- 19?

- 16.

- Speed!

I'm running out of ideas, honey, surprise me, okay?

- I am count Dracula.

And I was sent here to see Van Helsing.

I will wait no longer.

- What do you want?

Dr. Van Helsing is not here.

Go away.

- Hey, you know,

I think we got something here, Sandy.

Don't stop, move right through the hallway

and see if we could pick up a wide angle shot on Billy

when he comes in with the-

- Lance, I'm sorry,

I think these are Laura Jean.

- Right, Laura Jean!

- I will take those.

I'll see that she gets them.

- Okay, here's what's happening,

Jane, Robin, and Melissa come into the presentation room.

Scotty we'll need to do some, oh good,

you've got the slate for scene 26,

my God, look at the rings!

What happened?

- Nothing.

Well now sugar, I am downright thrilled

that you decided to sink them pearly white teeth

of yours into my neck.

'Cause now I can live forever right here

inside this little old box.

Oh my lands, living forever.

That's such a long time, eh, sugar pie?

Sugar pie?

Are you listening to what I'm saying?

- Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

- Oh, well.

If that's the way you feel about it, sugar,

I want to make one thing perfectly clear.

I don't happen to need the likes of you

to make me a long liver, mister.

Because my family happens to breed long livers.

Grandfather Culpepper on my mother's side

had a liver three feet long.

- You know Miss Gaylord, that dress.

Very becoming.

I've always admired women in red.

- Thank you sweetie pie.

But my dress is lavender, the walls over there are red.

Now old Aunt Livinia used to have wallpaper like that.

- A little music, perhaps?

And then...

- Yes.

- The record player's in the other room.

Pick something you like.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome, my dear.

- I do adore fine music.

It makes me feel warm all over.

Sweetiepie!

- Sweetiepie.

- Meanwhile, at the noisy metropolitan hospital,

the new nightwatchman makes his rounds when suddenly...

- Who's there?

- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

to pray for scene 23, take 86, oh god.

- I wish he'd watch his language.

- I am...

I forgot my name.

I'm sorry.

- You'll be named Ruby Begonias --

- Is it possible in the motion picture Dracula

for Dracula to forget he's Dracula?

- Remembering what the kindly old man

had told him on his first meeting,

young Dracula finds his way to the morgue

for a midnight snack.

- Ah!

Frozen food.

- What happened to your tooth?

- You wouldn't believe it.

- How have things been with Noisy Metropolitan Hospital?

- Noisy.

- You in?

- And the man who says he's a vampire

is coming to Paris, and with taller stories than before.

He claims he's in excess of 500 years old.

He also bears a strong resemblance to film star

Christopher Lee, - Papa!

- who had no comment to make

on the man who says he's Dracula.

- Welcome my dear count.

I hope you had a pleasant trip.

- Thank you.

- Allow me to present your co-star, Rosetta Demure.

- How do you do?

- Howdy doo.

- Don Paolo, the director.

- Buongiorno.

- And our new business manager.

- Pleasure.

- After you.

- Victor.

Victor!

- Papa!

- Were you worried about your father?

- Yes, I didn't know about the boat.

- How old are you?

- Well I don't like to get too specific, you see.

Let's see, on April 19th, I'll be 189.

- Is that yours, sir?

- It's my coffin .

- That is a Gucci bag!

Sacre bleu!

- I should hardly be likely to use a Mark Cross.

- Your grace, I'm sorry,

but that object is in great question.

- I assure you.

Tomorrow I shall install my son in a casket like no other.

- Ach.

- Now of course these are extremely fine examples

of early American craftsmanship and worthy

of your most careful consideration.

The presidential model.

Made of alloys that are bulletproof.

And guaranteed to last a lifetime.

We feel it will satisfy the tastes

of the most demanding connoisseur.

Might I ask who is the-

- It's for my son.

- Oh.

- What do you think?

- Can I charge it?

It's being extravagant.

- It's not what we would call cheap, but then,

one can't be too extravagant when honoring the memory

of a beloved child.

- Might we try it?

- I beg your pardon?

Surely we can't buy it without trying it.

- Right.

- Please don't mind.

He'll be careful.

Take your shoes off.

- What a wonderful father.

- What a wonderful son.

- What a homely child.

- Is it too tight?

- It'll do.

It's too short.

- I hope their bankroll isn't short.

- Can you show me, see when I close the...

It's nice, but I'm worried about my teddy bear.

- If you like it, we'll buy it.

- Expensive hotel room.

Top of the line casket.

This is really living.

Now if only I was an actor like my father.

An actor like my father.

- Blood of the Vampire, starring Victor Dracula.

Scene 23, take one.

- Oh, Victor!

- We love you Victor,

do something brilliant, darling.

- My name is Count Dracula,

what is yours, my little prairie gem?

On second thought, never mind, where's Van Helsing?

- What do you want?

Van...

Oh you have such gorgeous eyes, Victor.

- Oh I love you!

- Okay, Victor, one more,

but then we must press on, no slate on this one, Sandy.

- Press on, press on!

- Who do you want to see girls?

Make it Cagney.

- My name is Count Dracula.

You've got that charcoal?

And I'm gonna give it to you in the back

the way you gave it to my sister in the front.

- After tomorrow.

Oh, take me.

- Oh god, if only he wasn't straight!

- Dream on, young Dracula.

But as you sleep

the real world of make-believe goes on,

and the real Prince of Darkness encounters...

What was that?

- French horn.

- You enter from over here.

Now.

She watches as you approach.

- Forgive me.

I thought you were someone I knew.

- Please!

- I beg your pardon.

- Could we try to get this one down, please!

We're behind schedule!

- Well?

- Would you mind talking of a project

I'm anxious to discuss with you?

- A film?

- Well it's film.

But something different.

It's an advertising campaign

based on your unusual personality.

You probably haven't given much thought.

You have given...

I... - Look at me.

It's strange how you remind me of a woman I knew long ago.

- Was she...

- She was wonderful.

She was more than any man could ever want

or need in a thousand years.

- You must have loved her more than-

- No, no.

Please let me.

What is it?

- It's that hour.

- What do you mean that hour?

We can wait a bit surely.

- I don't think so.

We'll meet again tomorrow.

Please forgive me for having to leave so suddenly.

You are so lovely.

I nearly forgot who I am.

- See you in the movies.

- Victor!

- You know what?

She reminds me of mama.

- You were too young to remember her.

- What happened?

- Nothing happened.

Don't tell me you were kind of bite her on the neck!

- Of course I was.

- I thought because she was like,

you might've given it some time.

- You there?

- Hi.

- Is it finished?

- I was finished three days ago.

- Let's have a look.

- Help yourself,

it's over there on the drawing board.

I will never drink again as long as I live.

- One day at a time, so they say.

"Permadent.

Pour ceux qui ont besoin de leurs dent.

For those who need the teeth," not bad.

- Did he bite?

The vampire.

What's the matter?

- I hope he understands.

- I don't understand.

- You are not happy?

- This... dentifrice?

- It's what it says, Permadent.

- Ah, a publicity stunt of some kind.

I manage to do nicely without having to sell toothpaste.

Thank you, Nicole.

I should have known better.

The very idea of a vampire

of my description using toothpaste is out.

And that goes for your medicine tasting mouth washes too.

Goodbye.

- Definitely not playing with a full deck.

What do you think?

Huh?

- Don't make fun.

- Well.

- Hi there.

Remember me?

I just saw my father leave.

Don't worry.

You would remember.

You see, he seems to have a flair for the dramatic.

It's been that way for centuries.

You know what he did on the movie set the other day?

This is my big chance to make an impression.

- God, I wish he'd shut up.

- They always start with the bells.

Then this guy comes up with a sign for the camera man.

It says scene 23, take 110.

My father comes to the door dressed in his Bela Lugosi suit.

My name is Count Dracula and I'm here to see Van Helsing,

I really mean that Liza, yes, I do.

We have thunder and lightning.

Everything looks great,

then the old lady looks down at my father and says:

- Your fly is open!

- You laughed!

Huh?

Like father, like son.

Ahh.

- I wish you had the job.

You're terrific.

But that's not the problem.

- What's up?

- To me your father's a super guy.

He's even more important to me than my career.

- He might be super, but isn't that a little heavy?

- But that's just the way I feel with him.

- With papa?

Oh.

- Only with him.

Where is he?

- It's midnight.

He's taking his nap now.

- Give me the keys.

- Wait, Nicole, listen to me.

It's very dangerous to go in vamping vampires

in the middle of the night.

He's not that good!

He sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club,

they sent it back.

They said they weren't that lonely.

Oh come on, Nicole.

- Please just leave me alone.

- How can you be so cruel to me?

After all, I'm trying to give you 300 of my best years.

Nicole.

- Why have you come here?

- I just wanted to prove my love,

that perhaps life has more to offer

than a tube of toothpaste.

- I was cleaning my room and I dropped a lamp.

Fell out the window.

- What are you doing?

- Going to bed.

- What time is it?

- Six o'clock.

- Are you trying to say I slept half the night?

- Did you a world of good.

In rare form.

You don't look a day over 300.

I hope you'll forgive me, but the hour is late.

I am terribly sorry Nicole,

I'm aware that my Cinderella act is somewhat irritating.

Believe me, no one is more irritated than I am.

Goodnight.

What happened to my hourly chimes?

- Why?

- I heard two.

- Two?

It's two o'clock.

- Time flies when one is having a good time.

Do you have your own apartment?

- Yes, but-

- Excellent.

We should go to your place for some privacy.

As long as we're here, we should never be left alone.

- Throw my clock out the window, will you?

Gonna start throwing things out the window.

Throw your stuff out the window, how does that grab you?

- Hey, it's a bloody Gucci bag.

- You have the most lovely skin, Nicole.

It is like satin.

- Good evening, sir.

Evening miss.

You'll excuse me,

but we've got a little party going on

back in the woods there.

An interesting group of a variety of people.

I mean, one sexy time.

- Oh, the perverts are back in town.

Move.

Hey Stavros, I've seen some weirdos in my time,

this guy looks like Dracula.

- I'm awfully sorry this had to happen, sir.

It's a misunderstanding.

The police commissioner himself sends his apologies to you.

And oh, excuse me miss.

- I regret my dear that I should not

be able to see you home.

I must return to the hotel immediately.

And I would appreciate your not asking any questions.

It's been an exasperating evening already.

- Victor. - I'm not here!

- What have you done with my coffin?

- It fell out the window.

- It fell?

And I suppose it fell by itself.

- Would you believe I threw it?

- Do you know it's almost dawn, you imbecile?

Open this up and open it up right this minute.

- No way.

From now on it's every ghoul for himself.

- Argh!

Murderer!

What's the quickest way to get to the sewer?

- Quickest to what?

- The sewer!

This is an emergency.

- Wonderful.

We take care of you.

Emergency sewer is through that door.

- I hope this kid can act.

- You know me.

Why lose your temper?

- You haven't seen me lose anything,

but if you think for one minute

that we're going to blow this account

because you've got the hots for some lunatic

Who thinks he's Boris Karloff, you're crazy.

- He'll be fabulous.

- I hope so, Nicole.

- Victor, if you bite her on the left side,

how can the holes be on the right side?

It's impossible.

- Oh.

Does she say yes when you smile?

No?

Then you should brush with Permadent!

The toothpaste for children of the night.

According to recent tests

at a young ladies' boarding school,

38% had fewer cavities using Permadent

and regular dental checkup.

The remaining young ladies not using Permadent

got pregnant.

Do what I do.

Have health, have Permadent.

- You are grotesque.

- Oh?

- So you've decided to use this amateur

to replace me, hmm?

Look at you.

What makes you think he has my class, my delivery?

- What a hambone!

- Be quiet.

I was brought up to respect my parents in my own way.

I never tried to assassinate my father.

Maybe it was just different, 500 years ago.

- Victor!

Unlock this door at once!

Victor!

Victor!

What is going on?

- I decided to go back.

At least if my friends think I'm grotesque,

they don't humiliate me for it.

- Unpack that bag.

Your reason for this is just to save face.

- You know, the other day, I wasn't moving.

Because I've come to a lot of realizations.

I'm free.

Then again, I'm not free to do the things

that have happened.

I'm not a good vampire.

What I'd like to be is a normal human.

And that's what I'm going to be.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye, papa.

- Good luck!

- Thanks boss!

Thanks for the trouble.

- Hey, he wanted muscle.

You wanted a job.

Come on.

- Yeah, well I sure am happy to be here.

- Wow!

I hit the jackpot.

- You're kidding.

Hey what is it?

Don't you feel good?

What's the matter?

- All the blood makes me-

- Oh.

How could you be a butcher if you can't stand blood?

- Believe me.

It was more of a surprise to me than it was to you.

Nicole!

Nicole.

- It hasn't been easy to find you, you know.

- No necking.

- Right.

- This is-

- Excuse me just a minute.

- Victor I have some wonderful news to tell you.

That commercial you made was so funny they want you!

- Fantastic.

- I'm really impressed.

- Okay, cut!

- Cut?

You always say that at the most important moment.

- Okay, it's that time again, kids.

Blood of the Vampire, scene 23, take 109.

- Beep.

- And action!

109's my lucky number, do it, honey.

- I am Count Dracula.

And I was sent here to see Van Helsing.

Tell him I will wait no longer.

- What do you want?

Dr. Van Helsing is not here, go away!

- Beautiful, that's a bye, sweetheart.

- Let's see you do that with your camera tricks.

Well.

It looks as though the Prince of Darkness

still has a few tricks up his sleeve.

But what's this?

Patent leather hair.

Long stemmed roses?

Could this mean...

- Good evening, the Count is expecting you.

- Thank you.

- Mademoiselle Nicole.

But what of, but who?

But wait!

- My key.

- But I thought you had checked out of the-

- Give me my key!

- The count wastes no time this time making time.

Be careful Nicole, or...

Meanwhile.

- It is right there that I wish to make love to you.

- In the neck?

- A little touch and you will be my wife for all eternity.

- There will be no pain.

That which will come from me has been offered to no one

for better than 200 years.

- Does it matter to you what happens to us?

- Together we shall shun the light of day.

Come Nicole.

I shall make you my new princess of darkness.

- Oh, I'm impressed.

How did you do that?

I don't know.

It must've been a fuse.

- I'm afraid.

- Oh.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Is there no one alive in this place?

- Are they going to do something?

- Stay here.

I'll go and see.

Argh!

Damn!

- And now, out of my personality

as Young Dracula, and into Old Dracula.

- That you?

- Yes.

- You scared me half to death.

Wait.

- I can't explain it,

and I have never been a member of the Nazi party.

- I'll see to it that this is reported to the management.

- She must be having an asthma attack.

What the devil's going on here?

Who are you?

- Who are you?

- Hi there.

- Victor!

Mmm.

You're a real live boy.

- Foiled again.

- I'm really in love!

I love you, Nicole!

- As the city sleeps Young Dracula realizes

the fate of his destiny would not be long,

for in the moment, he will discover

the light at the end of the tunnel!

- Uh oh, light at the end of the tunnel!

- On come on, really mister?

Oh you see Harry?

I told you they're just as weird here

as they are in New York!

- Yeah, kind of makes you homesick, don't it?

You sure this is Louisaind?

- Harry, if it's Friday, this is Louisaind.

Would you mind removing

your hand from my leg?

- Ugh.

Disgusting.

- Oh my god, Nicole!

I'm alive.

I'm really alive.

Look at me everybody, it's me.

For the first time in 189 years.

I don't have to drink that lousy blood!

I can eat, I can drink, I can, whoa!

I love you!

I love you too!

Don't worry, I don't bite.

Lady, look!

Look.

I can see myself in the mirror.

Aren't I beautiful?

- You've gotta be kidding!

- And perhaps the lobster thermidor.

- After the roast beef?

- Do you still want me to bring out the t-bone?

- Absolutely.

I've always wanted a t-bone.

You know this eating stuff could catch on.

- What are you thinking?

- About papa.

I wonder if he calmed down.

- Yeah, as W.C. Fields used to say,

never give a vampire an even break.

- You mean sucker.

- Does it matter?

Just keep going.

Wow.

Your mother must be loaded.

- She used to be.

Ah, here they are.

For a minute I thought she took the keys.

If your father can find is up here, he's got radar.

They cut off the power!

- Where's the main switch?

- Don't ask me

Come on.

Sweetheart?

- You know you turn me on, lady.

Uh oh.

Those sound like the footsteps of my father.

Unless your mother has a wooden leg.

- I can explain everything.

You see- - You've made me waste

a great deal of time.

Therefore, I shall go straight to the point

to set matters right in the few moments that now remain.

You could have been mine forever more.

But you wouldn't have it that way.

Maybe you find more in my son.

Look at you.

The closest vampire I've seen next to a human being,

- But there's a reason, papa.

You see, I am human.

And I don't even know why.

I was in the subway when I found out.

- My poor boy, I can offer you no reason

for this delusion, but forget it.

With me Nicole, you would travel for all eternity.

- No, thank you.

- You have no choice, Nicole.

- How about a little drink, papa?

Come on, let's get out of here!

Ow!

Quick, run this way!

- If I could run that way,

I'd be on the Green Bay Packers.

- What would Jimmy Cagney do in a spot like this?

Over here.

Oh, come on.

- Victor, the cross!

- Alright, you dirty rat.

Make one move and I'll fill you full of cross,

you got that, huh?

What do you hear, what do you say?

- But Victor.

How can you...

- I'm human.

Don't be mad at me.

It could've been you.

Papa, we don't see things as they are,

we see them as we are.

- Victor, why?

- Wait, Nicole.

- Get down in the cellar, papa.

It's dawn.

- I can't stand it.

If you two can't behave like grown men,

I'm sick of your games!

- Nicole, no!

- My god.

- If only he could have used his evil for good.

- Victor?

Come on sweetheart.

Oh god, it's like waking the dead, Victor.

- Oh boy.

- If you're gonna watch movies all night, my love,

you're liable to miss what's playing in the bedroom.

You know what I mean?

- Fun in the bedroom.

Sounds delightful.

- Come on, it's coffee time, let's go.

- Coffee?

Is it that late?

Will you leave your sister alone?

Come on.

- Victor's really been acting strange lately.

When he teases Marcia, there's a weird look in his eye.

He reminds me of your father.

- Hey, I had a dream last night,

Victor, leave your sister alone.

Victor!

It's time for school.

Let's go.