Original subtitles

[engine rumbling]

Hey! Haven't seen you guys in months.

- Welcome back.

Yeah, we're having our end of summer town yard sale.

Sales have been quite robust.

- I saw it first.

- It's my birdbath!

- You know you fighting over a used bidet, right?

'Cause that's a big old badonk.

- It's my badonk!

- No, it's mine!

- Hey, stop playing with the kitchen gadgets!

Anyway, the town is busier than ever.

Thank goodness it's not bigger, though.

I don't think we could handle any more excitement.

- Woo-hoo, Flatch!

Get ready for Barb.

[laughs] Hold on, camera lady.

I'm feeling a celebratory donut coming on.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

[tires squealing]

Yeah, Flatch!

- So here's what's new--

I got my wisdom tooth taken out.

I actually feel smarter than before.

- Yeah, and--and my gap year from art school

is literally crazy perfect.

For starters, Nan went to Mexico for a medical vacation

to get her hips replaced,

and she ended up just loving that tequila

and her new hip so much that she just decided to stay.

So basically, this house is up for sale,

and no one is calling, probably because the phone number's

like a billion digits long.

So I basically get the whole place to myself.

It's my very own crash crib.

Calling it the Shrub Hub.

- Members only.

[both yelling] - [grunts]

- I'm living the gap year dream.

And I'm getting paid for my art.

So literally suck it, school.

Also, been hanging out with Beth, like, a ton.

- So do you want a Mickey two, three, or four?

- I mean, yeah, she's technically with Mickey, but--

Four.

--not for long, let's put it that way.

- That's a good one.

- But yeah, she's going to fall...

towards me and away from Mickey, so...

- Dude!

I found your nan's box of party hats!

- Dude, yeah!

Gap year on fuego!

[laughs] Oh!

- Well, here I am, back in my old hometown.

Ah, I haven't been here for eons.

[chuckles] I been living in Pompano Beach, Florida,

AKA "the Pomp." Ha.

But recently, some things have changed in Barb's life.

I just got separated.

And, I thought it would be a great opportunity

to have a little adventure.

Oops.

Did I do that?

Ha!

I was a pretty big deal back in the day--

Flatch royalty and all.

I just hope I don't draw too much attention.

Come on!

So, big news.

- Cheryl has been living with me at my house.

It's going really well!

- This relaxed, semi-rural life is really growing on me.

You know, I'm trying to be more organic.

I make my own deodorant. Hmm.

And it really works. [giggles]

[chickens clucking]

- And Cheryl's been raising chickens.

And they have definitely been keeping her busy.

And I am making my own beer.

I'm not sure why it's green, though.

It's a work in progress.

- So yeah, since you guys left, I had a baby.

Psych! [laughs]

No, can you imagine?

That makes me sick to think about.

Uh, this is my half-sis, Ashlynn.

My dad's been having me watch her a bunch.

He has his hands full with his girlfriend Jessie.

She's super high maintenance.

She, like, puts limes in her water.

It's like, pick a snack or a drink if you want one.

I'm teaching her the ways of the world, you know?

My dad wasn't really around for me growing up,

so same goes for her.

Falls on me to be her mentor.

- Kelly is 100% over-identifying

with that baby.

- Shrub, come on!

Push us.

- Please don't film me. Seriously.

Hi. - Oh, my God, Nadine,

you have to get that looked at by a doctor.

- Oh! Hah hah! It's a baby, idiot.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear you're having a baby idiot.

Oh! You just got Shrubbed.

- Look, I'm here on official Historical Society business,

Shrub.

- [as Yoda] Oh, who's Shrub?

I'm not Shrub.

- Oh, my gosh, just let me in--move!

I need the Flatch cane.

Now that your nan has moved, we need to pass it on

to the next oldest person in town.

- A cane parade! - A cane parade!

- Yes! Dude, party!

- The Flatch cane is a tradition we've had

for hundreds of years.

The oldest person in town is the keeper of the cane.

And when they move on to eternal rest,

or Acapulco,

we have a parade to take it to the next oldest person in town.

Now, the cane is going to Old Lady Flatch.

I invited her daughter Barbara

to come be part of the ceremony.

Can you imagine if she comes?

[exhales] Two Flatches in Flatch.

[two sharp inhales]

[exhales]

I have to control my excitement

so I don't go into early labor. [laughs]

I do not need a Virgo in my life.

- We haven't had a cane parade in forever.

- Yeah. - Everyone dresses up

their cars. - It's like a whole tailgate.

And guess who gets to lead the whole parade this year?

- Basically the youngest member of the family

passes the cane and has to make a speech.

Mickey's done it like four times.

- Yeah, well, obviously I'm gonna be way better

than Mickey on that.

- Totally. - [sighs]

It's actually gonna be perfect,

because I'm gonna use the speech

to express my love for Beth

in front of literally everyone in town,

and she's going to fall hard for me all over again.

- Chickens are so much fun.

I started with three,

but it's time to expand my brood.

So I ordered a bunch of chicks from this place

called chicks2you.com.

It's literally baby chicks that come to the post office.

[laughs]

Oh, uh, but don't go to chicks2you.net.

That's something entirely different, very illegal.

Anyway, so, um, yeah,

now Joe has his flock, and I have mine.

Oh, my God, it's a chicken joke.

I didn't even know. - Ha ha ha ha!

- Chickens on the mind.

Mmm.

- Borrowed my dad's truck for the Cane Train.

Course, he's too busy to actually be in the parade.

That's why me and my BFF--

Baby Friend Forever-- are hanging, per "yush."

- And I have been working on my killer speech.

- What you got so far?

- Not sharing. - You got nothing.

- No, that is--no.

I have nothing.

Beth's gonna see me crumble.

What rhymes with "cane"?

Nothing. It's insane.

- [laughs] I saw the funniest cat video.

Check this out. - Okay, so...

you want the good news or the bad news?

- I guess good.

- The town selectmen chose you

for a big, important role in the cane parade.

- [gasps] That's exciting!

Am I in the front, leading my flock?

- Negatory. You're the caboose.

You gotta ride in the back and make sure

nothing big gets left in the road.

It's kind of like a booby prize.

- So really, none of this is good news.

- Nope.

Delivering the cane to Mrs. Flatch is a big responsibility.

- You want chaos?

You let Kelly and Shrub lead the parade.

That's why I'm taking over as traffic warden

and unofficial parade marshal.

I got a personal investment in this thing running smoothly.

My meemaw was all set to get the cane, like, 100 years ago,

and then some dude's wheel fell off his horse wagon--

stopped the parade dead.

And then by the time they got to meemaw, she was dead, too.

Never again!

Not on my watch.

[background chatter]

[over megaphone] All right, everyone line up

right in front of Father Joe, way back there.

He's the caboose.

- I should be leading my congregation,

not bringing up the rear.

- Babe, the caboose is still a very special role.

You're the closer.

- It's the booby prize.

I'm the ca-boob.

- Anybody have eyes on Shrub or the cane?

Specifically the cane.

I really don't care about Shrub, actually.

Anybody seen 'em? Anybody?

- Hey, Kel, Kel, come on, let's go.

We're gonna be late. - I literally can't.

I still have the baby. - What?

- And my dad was supposed to pick her up,

like, an hour ago.

- What? - He's not picking up.

She's out of diapers.

- Just leave her on the couch, dude.

There's the--there's that weird stain already there.

- Are you insane? - Dude, you are not

ruining this for me, okay? This is the peak

of my gap year-- bring her with us, or don't.

I don't care--let's go!

[truck starts]

Let's do this.

- Hang on, baby girl.

- Whoa!

Puhhh!

I'm coming, Beth!

Here we are at my Mom's home, Shady Acres!

- God, more like Shoddy Acres.

Look at that janky-ass roof. It's terrible.

[crash] Oh, my God! Ah!

How are these not in the handicapped spot?

I mean, this is just--

Oh, hello!

More cameras.

Hi. Um...

I am Barb Flatch Feliciano,

soon to be...

Barb Flatch again.

I'm sure you are probably surprised to see me.

I mean, I bet everybody's

probably gonna be surprised to see me.

Ha.

Trying to keep a low profile, though.

Just make sure you, you know, get my good side.

Who am I kidding?

All of Barb's sides are good.

- Barbie, is that you?

- It is, Mom! Hey!

Oh, my God, are you so excited?

[whispering] She's excited.

My wigs?

Oh, they're just a form of self-expression,

you know, like hair theater.

I mean, real estate is all just make believe, too.

You gotta sell people on a dream, right?

Back in Pompano Beach,

we were house flipper extraordinaires--

top 22% sellers in the Greater Lauderdale market.

See? That's me.

Then Burt flipped me for a girl named Renee

who sells timeshares.

- So you drove Burt away, huh?

- Let's just concentrate on getting you that cane.

- I don't want the cane.

It's a curse.

You get the cane, and then you die.

I don't want their damn cursed cane.

- People, we have arrived, okay?

Cane King is here. Do not fret.

Follow us! - Hey, bro.

Looking good. - Yeah, I like your cape.

- Oh, my God, you do? Thank you.

Yeah, I made it myself.

It started off as a flag, to be honest.

But it looked so good that I just had to wear it.

- Hey, are you nervous for your speech?

- No. - That's good.

Because remember in fourth grade when you gave

that book report on "Beezus and Ramona," and you threw up?

- No, I--

- Really, it was, like, a big deal.

You started crying and got the hiccups.

- I said I don't remember, dude.

I'm not a nerd.

- Mickey, move it or lose it.

- Well, I am looking forward to your wise words.

And you got the Mickey number four.

He got the Mickey number four! That's a classic.

- Hey, we gonna chitchat,

or are we gonna hand over a cane?

- Yeah. - Everybody, follow me.

- Wait, no, no. I thought--I thought, like,

we were in the front.

- Uh, do you have the bullhorn?

No, you don't.

- Like-- - Move out!

- Move out!

[band music]

- Shady Acres!

-We're coming Mrs. Flatch, - Wahoo!

- we are coming!

♪ ♪

- This sucks.

[band music]

♪ ♪

- I'm sure our dad didn't mean to forget about you.

But I mean, yeah, kind of his thing.

One time, he left me at a Dairy Queen

for, like, an hour on accident.

Joke's on him, though, because everyone felt so bad for me,

they kept buying me Dilly Bars.

♪ ♪

Also, he's been super busy trying to make your mom happy.

Like, no offense, but she's a lot.

I give them like a month before they split.

Truthfully, I don't think he can commit to anyone--

you, me, my mom, your mom, the dentist.

Hey, Ron.

No, don't worry, okay?

Ashlynn, he left my mom, and look at me.

I'm fabulous.

Dude, what the hell? Is that coming from you?

[sighs] You heard when I said we're out of diapers, right?

[phone alert]

- Oh, my gosh, the chicks are in?

They weren't supposed to come till tomorrow.

We have to go to the post office.

- I have my super important caboose job, babe.

- I'm not kidding. It is hot out.

They could die in their cute little box.

We can't roast those chickens, Joe.

- Okay. - Go.

[honks]

- Hey, hey, hey! - Go!

Go, go, go-- - We're going!

- Hey, stay in line!

- Cheryl has to get her babies.

- Cheryl's having a baby.

Let 'em through.

- Lady in labor!

- Sorry.

- Don't apologize, it wastes time!

- You're right. I'm sorry. - It wastes time!

- I'm sorry. We're coming, babies!

- [crying] - You can make it.

You got this, okay?

- [crying loudly]

- Like a puppy riding a Roomba.

You love that video.

Ashlynn's having a meltdown.

She has, like, a pound of crap in her pants.

- Dude, well, tell her to suck it up.

I don't know what to tell you.

- If she sucks up all that poop into her body, she'll die!

- God. Well-- - Okay, we're doing a quick

pit stop at Jessie's house. - No!

- I have to get a fresh diaper. - No! No!

No! Don't turn!

Don't turn, dude!

What are you doing?

I don't know what to do!

♪ ♪

- Nothing but chaos.

- Okay, okay, nobody panic.

I still have the cane.

Just need to make a pit stop real quick.

- Come on, Ashy. Let me get you out.

- [crying]

- Oh, here they come.

That is one hell of a sad parade.

- Barbie Flatch?

- Little Mandy?

I haven't seen you since I supervised your tent

at the Girl Scout camp, and you tied me to my bunk.

- Oh, man, good memories.

- You were a little bossy pants.

- It's Big Mandy now, and I'm still the boss of my pants--

who gets in 'em, and who gets shut out of 'em.

Anyways, we ain't got time for chitchat.

As I predicted, the parade went all off course.

And I'm not letting it get worse,

so I got to take your mom to the new location, stat.

Let's go.

- Just give it to someone else.

- [whispers] No.

She died?

Not another meemaw.

- No, no, she's alive.

She just doesn't want to accept the cane.

- That's crazy.

- All right, look, just tell me where it is,

and I'll go get it for her. - It's faster if I show you.

Come on, hop on. Oh, wear this.

Hop on and hold on.

Where you put your hands is dealer's choice.

[engine revs]

[Kel panting]

- Hey, Kel, what's with the party down here?

- You were supposed to pick up Ashlynn two hours ago, okay?

She needs a fresh diaper and a dad that won't

leave her at Dairy Queen. - Okay, chill, chill, chill.

I just got busy with something kind of important, okay?

Just hold on to her for two more minutes, all right?

Just--yeah. - Are you serious? Dad--

- Just a few more minutes, okay?

- What the hell is happening?

What are we doing here?

If Barbara Flatch comes, she's never

going to be able to find us.

It's like you're making a mockery

of a revered town tradition.

- Oh, no. No, no, no, um...

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Excuse me!

Beth.

Oh, and--and everyone as well.

I still need to get my speech.

If you could come back here, that would be great.

- Hope my being here doesn't steal focus.

Hey.

What's going on?

Barb Flatch.

Okay.

- You left the AC on in the car, right?

- Yep. - Okay.

Do you think they're hungry?

- Maybe you could chew up a pretzel

and spit it into their mouths.

- Oh.

- Babe, joke.

- Duh! - [laughs]

- Hey, ticktock. Eyes over here, people.

- Hello, hi.

Welcome to my speech.

Um...

well, it's a start.

Nan is totally still alive.

Thank God, seriously.

My gap year is going literally amazing, Beth.

My art is, like, getting better.

I'm getting better, like, as a person.

Stronger--way stronger than Mickey, I'll tell you that.

I'm doing literally ab work every single day

and I'm getting swole and just living my best life.

Um...

Look, guys, everyone has to live out their dream

before they pass over their cane,

AKA die, right?

Like, you can't wait, people.

Like, be like Cheryl.

Like, have that baby.

- Oh, no, I'm not--

- Nan dreamt of walking normal.

But you can train yourself into literally anything you want...

Like getting back with the most perfect girl in Flatch.

Ha. Shoot, you make me smile.

Carpe diem, people.

Carpe diem, which is an ancient saying

that means seize your carpets,

which loosely translates to follow your dreams.

So do yourselves a favor and live out

your dream gap year every day.

You just got Shrubbed, all of you.

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh.

- Yeah, hi. - Who are you?

- Hi, I am Barb Flatch.

I'm here. It's me.

Hi. - Barbara Flatch!

Barbara Flatch.

That's Barbara Flatch, you guys.

- I am so excited.

I see so many familiar faces right now.

This is crazy.

And I just want to say I accept this cane.

- ♪ And though I'll make mistakes ♪

♪ I'll never break your heart ♪

♪ And I swear by the moon ♪

♪ And the stars in the sky ♪

♪ I'll be there...♪ - Bobby?

What are you doing? - Kelly, take this.

- ♪ I swear ♪

♪ Like the shadow that's by your side... ♪

[crowd gasps]

- Will you marry me? - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

Yes!

[cheering]

- Thanks for taking care of her, Kel,

while I was planning all of this.

I wasn't expecting the crowd, but the more the merrier.

Anybody got beer down there? I'm out.

[all cheering] Come on!

- Where are my girls? Where are my girls?

- ♪ I swear ♪

♪ ♪

- Where are the babies?

- Oh, they're in the car.

But don't worry, I left the AC on.

- [gasps, huffs]

- Ooh!

- I liked your speech.

- Hi. Well, thank you.

- Your necklace is awesome.

- Oh, thanks. Yeah, I made it myself.

- Do you want to hopscotch later?

- Uh, totally.

- Okay.

- So, yeah, killed it at the cane parade.

Pretty much blew Beth's mind.

- Guess who's babysitting Ashlynn later?

Moi, per yush.

When that marriage crashes and burns,

she's going to need me more than ever.

Nothing changes here in good old Flatch.

- Mm, the new lady's kind of hot, though.

And weird.

- Yeah.

- Cheryl and I are not pregnant.

Gonna have to return that Pack 'n' Play

and used breast pump somebody dropped off for us.

But I think that Cheryl and I

are gonna make great parents one day.

I mean, we're already co-parenting chickens.

And you know, if people don't always want to follow me,

that's okay.

You can't always wait for people to flock to ya.

Sometimes you just have to flock yourself.

- That weird kid's speech about carpe diem

really stuck with me.

I mean, it's never too late to start a second chapter,

am I right?

Hey, carpe diem kid.

Hey, Barb Flatch.

I just bought this house,

so I need you to move out

by next week.

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