Original subtitles

Okay, it's Christmas on "The Last Drive-In,"

and as you all know, or the ones know who have watched

all the 347 Christmas shows I've done,

we always get a little sappy towards the end.

I mean, we do what we can.

We don't aspire to the brilliance

of the CBS 1987 "Claymation Christmas" special

hosted by the California Raisins.

Actually, I think the Raisins were just backup singers.

The hosts of the show were the claymation dinosaurs.

Right, Darcy?

-You're correct. -All right.

And, of course, there was the ice ballet

with the claymation walruses.

-Oh, my God. Of course. -Yeah, walri.

Anyway, I thought I would address

this year's Christmas message

to all the government employees

and legislators and public officials

who have turned nasty over the last few years

and keep telling us that we're screwing up

and we need to be punished.

And since you probably don't know what I'm talking about

when I say that, let me put it this way.

You know that person in every family,

you always end up talking to them at Christmas,

that person who just won't behave?

And it drives you crazy, doesn't it?

"There goes Juanita, having anotherbaby,

and she couldn't even afford the first six."

"There goes Big Al, getting drunk again.

You know, if he gets drunk one more time

and puts Doris through any more pain,

I'm never loaning him another cent."

You know, "We told Stephanie to stop going out with older guys.

She's only 17. She's dating guys in their late 20s!

She promised she wouldn't do it anymore,

and then what do we find out?

There she was last Saturday night at 2:00 in the morning,

parked out behind the Wal-Mart with Pig-Face Walls.

You know, everybody has family members like this, right?

Everybody has friends like this, right?

Another version of it is the person who's always telling you

that this is the year they're gonna fix their life.

"I really mean it this time.

I'm going back to school," "I'm starting a new business,"

"I'm not going back to Daryl, no matter what he says."

And then they never do diddly squat, right?

Just drives you crazy, doesn't it?

Or how about your aunt that sits around all the time,

saying, "Nothing ever goes right for me.

Nothing exciting ever happens to me.

Nothing ever happens to me, period.

I'm so boring. My life is so boring."

On and on and on, you know,

until you want to pick the old bag up by the shoulders

and scream in her face,

"Get your butt out on the street, lady!

Make something happen, instead of sitting there

like an old piece of underwear

on the discount-pantyhose table at Walgreens!"

Okay, so everybody knows what I'm talking about, right?

It's the people in every family who keep screwing up.

No matter what you do to them, no matter what you say to them,

what they say to themselves,

what they decide to do for themselves,

they just keep screwing up, over and over and over again.

Well, the government now has a plan for these people.

The government is fed up with these people.

Like that personal responsibility law

that Congress passed.

If you're a teenager

and you don't maintain a "C" average in school,

some states want to revoke your driver's license.

Then there's all the Republican legislatures

that have even tougher laws coming up.

If you're an unwed teenage mother,

you can't get any welfare benefits

unless you remain in school and live with your parents.

If you're already on welfare and you have another child,

your benefits might get cut.

If you miss a PTA meeting,

you might not get your check next week.

If your kid is absent from school without an excuse,

you can lose your welfare check.

And on and on and on like this.

Now, let's take a look at this idea -- honestly.

Doesn't everybody remember a time when Dad stood up and said,

"if you ever do that again, even one more time,

I'm gonna cut off your allowance forever."

And what happened?

You did it one more time.

Admit it. You did.

And he probably cut off your allowance.

But he didn't cut off your allowance forever.

Because he was Dad, and he didn't really mean it.

But these people really mean it.

These people know so little about human nature

that they don't realize there are people

who try to change, who want to change,

who are constantly being ordered by their families to change,

but they just can't change.

So, what are you gonna do?

Cut off all their benefits, make them even more suicidal?

Listen to me. Some people can't hack it.

It's not their fault.

These are the people we need to help.

If the person canhack it, he doesn't need our help.

Is this so hard to understand?

"Yeah, Joe Bob, I know what you mean.

I believe in giving people a second chance.

But we're talking about people who have gotten into a pattern

that goes on for years and years.

They never change.

They just keep taking money from the government,

they don't get a job,

they don't take good care of their children,

they become substance abusers" -- on and on and on.

What do we do about them?

What do we do about the ones

who have already been given six chances?"

And here's the Joe Bob Christmas answer to that --

we give them another chance.

If it's the 500th dad-blamed time,

we give them another chance.

Nobody does that on purpose.

It infuriates me, too. It frustrates me, too.

But nobody does it on purpose.

We give them another chance.

That is the American way.

That is the Christian way, that is the Jewish way,

and that is the Islamic way.

It's called having faith in people,

even when they disappoint you, and it's what Dad does.

We need more dads

and fewer vengeance-seeking spinster aunts --

if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Okay, now, one person we do not want to give a second chance to

is Ricky Caldwell.

And actually, I have to explain this.

The movie is "Silent Night, Deadly Night"...

-Yaaaaaaaay! -..."Part 2."

-Oh. -[Laughs] Yeah, I know.

We lost the rights to Part 1 -- long story.

But, for people who never saw Part 1,

don't worry, because most of Part 1 is in Part 2.

People don't remember this today,

but "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

was a major banned movie in the '80s.

It was banned in Milwaukee, New Jersey, Chicago, Peoria,

Fort Worth, just to name a few of the places.

The original came out in 1984, and it's the story

of little Billy dressing up in a Santa Claus suit

and going over to the St. Mary's Catholic Orphanage

to kill all the orphans with a meat ax.

For some reason, the PTA didn't like that.

So, "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

came out on the same day as "A Nightmare on Elm Street" --

November 9, 1984.

It was outgrossing Wes Craven,

until everybody got their panties in a bunch.

'Cause TriStar, the distributor, ran the trailer as a TV ad,

and in one market, it ran right before

"Little House on the Prairie,"

So parents flipped out.

Protesters gathered outside theaters,

Siskel and Ebert weighed in on it,

and so TriStar caved.

They pulled it out of release two weeks after it opened.

But, obviously, it went on to become a cult classic.

It spawned four more sequels.

It was remade in 2012.

Nobody protested in 2012, although maybe they should have.

So, the original "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

kicks off with crazy grandpa

terrorizing little apple-cheeked Billy

by telling him that Christmas Eve is

"the scariest damn night of the year"

and that Santa Will punish him.

So the next thing, a psycho Santa Robs a store

and then murders Daddy and rapes and murders Mommy

while a traumatized Billy hides in the bushes,

and Little Billy is sent to a Catholic orphanage,

where one of the nuns wants to get him therapy

but Mother Superior decides to beat it out of him instead

and tells him if he's not a good boy,

Santa will be mean to him.

So of course little Billy becomes clinically Santaphobic.

And then 17-year-old Billy is working at a toy store,

and he's doing okay until he has to fill in for Santa

and he sees the girl that he likes

getting molested by a co-worker.

That, of course, is naughty.

And pretty soon, Billy's making like G.I. Joe

and turning people into Tinker Toys.

Okay, so, here's how "Silent Night, Deadly Night 2" happened.

The producer of the first one, a guy named Ira Barmak,

was pissed at TriStar for ruining his box office

when they pulled the movie out of theaters,

and he's also kind of offended

that he'd been raked over the coals by Siskel and Ebert,

who had dogpiled on this movie.

They hated it.

Siskel called it "sick, sleazy, and mean-spirited."

So, anyway, he got it back from TriStar,

and he gave it to Aquarius Releasing,

and they re-released it in the spring of 1985,

and it did okay.

But then in 1986, LIVE Entertainment --

remember them?

They released it on video, and it did really, really well.

So now LIVE decides they want to make a sequel,

but the original director refuses to be involved,

and in truth, they don't really want to actually film a sequel.

So a producer named Larry Appelbaum

takes two editors at his company and he says,

"I want you to take all the footage from the original movie,

scramble it up, make it into a new movie."

[Laughter]

Who does that?

So, first of all,

the people involved in the making of Part 2,

they tell that story with a straight face,

like it was possible.

I mean, Part 1 had been -- it wasn't big-budget,

but it was made by the low-budget division

of a big-budget studio, meaning they had enough money.

It was directed by Charles E. Sellier,

the creator of "The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams."

He later disavowed the film.

He said he just did it as a favor.

But they went to a little Mormon town in Utah called Heber City,

population about 4,000, so it was a location shoot.

It was a 32-day shoot, which is long for a horror flick.

So, the new producers say,

"Well, we don't have the money to do that again,"

and so they say to these two editors,

"Just put a sequel together for us."

So Lee Harry, the director, wasn't a director.

He was an editor.

And he talked to his editing associate, Joe Earle, about it,

and they decided to just spend the weekend writing a sequel,

trying to use as much footage

from the first movie as possible.

And when they finished, they said, "You know, I'm sorry,

but we can't completely do what you guys want" --

you know, because that would be crazy, first of all.

"But if you give us $100,000 and seven days of shoots,

we can do it."

So that's what happened.

They shot 45 minutes of new film,

they used 40 minutes from the old film.

The theatrical release was May 1987,

and the film was universally hated for...

using all that footage from the first film!

Duh!

But they hired an actor named Eric Freeman for the lead,

and his performance is so out-of-control, over-the-top

that he eventually became world-famous

and an Internet meme,

and so around 15 years ago,

people started searching for him.

There was a huge movement called Find Freeman.

And it was assumed that he was hiding out

to escape the infamy of "Silent Night, Deadly Night, Part 2."

and they eventually didfind him,

and we'll tell that history later,

but right now, let's just run down

those drive-in totals and get into it.

This is actually a sequel that you're better off seeing

if you did not see the first movie,

'cause most of the first movie is here.

We have...

Are you ready, Darcy?Heck yeah.

Reenactment coming up later by Darcy.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for...

Frank Novak as the loan shark

who beats up a guy in the alley and says,

"I hope you don'tpay on Monday, 'cause I enjoy this too much."

James Newman as Dr. Bloom,

the no-nonsense Psychiatrist Number 13.

Eric Freeman, as Ricky, for the one-liner

that has been turned into more memes

than any one-liner in film history.

I speak, of course, of "Garbage Day!"

[Laughter]

Jean Miller as Mother Superior, for saying "Very, very naughty."

Elizabeth Kaitan -- and her two enormous talents --

as the psycho-killer love interest.

And Kenneth Brian James as Chip, the ex-boyfriend,

who says, "If I knew you could sink this low,

I never would have dumped you."

[Chuckles]

Three stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

And everything in this movie is blamed on the Catholic Church,

before it was fashionable

to blame everything on the Catholic Church.

I mean, in France, you know,

they've been doing that for years.

They've been hacking off the heads of priests and cardinals

for centuries in France.

They're used to it.

But these nasty nuns in this movie are just vicious.

They create holiday-themed ax killers

by their brutal orphanage disciplinary policies.

And so...

And isn't that the point of all these

"Silent Night, Deadly Night" movies?

Of which there are five, by the way.

That's scary.

I never went to Catholic school, but I know that those --

Did you go to Catholic school? You went to Catholic school.

For a bit.

Those nuns can open up a can of Biblical whoop-ass, right?

And they can devise medieval tortures

involving, you know, tree limbs

and pressurized rubber and stuff.

That's what I've heard, anyway.

That's not exactly right.

[Laughing] All right.[Laughs]

They can basically fold you into a flesh sandwich

and tell you that you deserved it.

They wear those shoes.

You know those shoes that the nuns wear?

I blame it on those shoes.

You put on a shoe like that,

you know, you want to put that shoe

up somebody's rectum, I would imagine, you know?

I shouldn't be picking on the Church, though,

'cause it's Christmas, you know.

But come on. There's a reason that Jesus wore flip-flops.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Sign buzzing, clinking]

[Static]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct talking in distance]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You can leave now.

♪♪

Now!

♪♪

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

My name is Dr. Bloom.

You can call me Henry.

Or, if you would feel more comfortable,

you can just call me Doc.

Fuck off, Doc.

I'm not one for games, Ricky.

I'm a professional.

My time is very valuable.

Oh. And mine isn't?

Your time is running out, son.

♪♪

I'm your last chance.

Yeah?

Yeah.

♪♪

Well, what makes you think you can bullshit your way

into my head,

like every other pencil-necked piece of shit?!

I told you to get out!

♪♪

♪♪

[Door closes]

♪♪

Sit down, Ricky.

♪♪

♪♪

Let's get something straight.

I will ask the questions.

You will answer them.

You will talk.

I will listen.

But then you know that.

I'm not the first psychiatrist you've seen.

No kiddin'.

Fine.

♪♪

Then let's get started.

♪♪

I need to ask you something.

Shoot. It's your dime.

♪♪

It's my dime.

♪♪

Who killed your parents?

♪♪

You really want to know?

♪♪

Who, Ricky?

♪♪

Who did it?

♪♪

Santa Claus.

♪♪

It was Christmas Eve.

♪♪

I was just a baby, and Billy was only 7.

But he knew all about Santa Claus.

Mom? What time is it?

♪♪

It's almost 4:30, honey.

We're gonna be at Grandpa's pretty soon.

What time does Santa Claus come?

Not until everyone is asleep in bed, hon.

Can't I stay up and see him?

I wouldn't if I were you.

It's naughty to stay up past your bedtime.

What if we don't get home by my bedtime?

We will, hon. Don't worry.

Santa Claus is gonna bring you a big surprise tonight.

You just wait and see.

♪♪

It was night by the time we reached that turnoff.

♪♪

I don't know what made him stop.

What's that? Hmm?

Actually, I do know what made him stop.

There it is again. See?

There's something up there, all right.

Do you see what I see?

Billy was there.

You think we should wake up Billy?

Billy told me everything.

-Santa Claus!

Looks like you get to see him tonight after all, Billy.

[Bells jingling]

Need a ride, Santa Claus?

Well, no. Not exactly.

♪♪

Jim, go!

[Tires squeal]

Go!!

[Baby crying]

[Bells jingling]

♪♪

♪♪

Help!

[Screaming]

[Crying continues]

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, yeah?

Dare to hit me?!

♪♪

Shoot.

[Cackling] Ho, ho, ho.

It was him, jolly Saint Nick...

with a knife in his hand.

Where are you, you little bastard?!

[Crying continues]

♪♪

Bastard.

He left us out there to die.

That was a long time ago.

How could you possibly remember all that?

Because...

I was there.

You know, I don't like your attitude, Bloom.

Myattitude is not the issue, Mr. Caldwell.

[Scoffs]

Oh. I forgot.

You in a hurry, Doc?

Am I wasting your valuable time?

[Sighs]

Tell me about your stay at Saint Mary's orphanage.

I hated that fucking place.

♪♪

It was rough on both of us.

And Christmastime was always the worst.

Sister Margaret: All right, now, who's next?

We haven't seen yourdrawing yet, have we?

It didn't exactly bring out the best in Billy.

Billy?

Billy.

Okay. Come on up here.

Put your drawing up on the board with the others.

You put it in place, and I'll put the tape on it.

[Screams] Sister, look!

♪♪

Billy! Take that down!

♪♪

Explain this, William.

I'm sorry, Mother Superior.

Are you?

I don't think so.

But you willbe.

You will learn what it is to be sorry.

Now go to your room and stay there.

Yes, Mother Superior.

♪♪

Until I tell you to come out.

♪♪

[Door closes]

Well, you finally have what you've been asking for,

Mother Superior.

Proof.

Of what, Sister Margaret?

Of what I've been saying.

That it's all still inside him.

Simply because something unfortunate happened

to his parents, which he knows nothing about,

is no reason to allow him to run wild.

He must be taught.

Good day, Sister.

♪♪

Good day, Mother Superior.

♪♪

[Indistinct shouting]

♪♪

♪♪

I think you've been locked away up here long enough.

Why don't you come out and help us build our snowman?

I can't.

Look, Billy, Mother Superior only wants what's best for you.

And I think what's best for you is to come out

and play with the other children, okay?

Hmm? Yes.

[Laughing] Okay.

♪♪

[Moaning in distance]

♪♪

[Moaning continues]

♪♪

[Moaning continues]

♪♪

[Moaning continues]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Moaning continues]

[Woman laughs]

♪♪

[Mother screaming]

[Gasps]

Filthy devil!

You'll pay for this.

Punishment.

You devil, take your punishment.

[Gasps]

Devil!

[Man and woman screaming, belt cracking]

William!

Don't blame him, Mother Superior.

I told him he could come out.

Stay out of this, Sister Margaret.

William, come here.

Billy, what's wrong?

Your brother's a nutcase. That's what's wrong.

No, he's not! Take it back!

Boys!

What did you see upstairs, William?

Nothing, Mother Superior.

What they were doing was something very, very naughty.

They thought they could do it without being caught.

But when we do something naughty, we are alwayscaught.

And then we are punished.

Punishment is absolute.

Punishment is good.

Yes, Mother Superior.

You left your room, William.

Yes, Mother Superior.

Very, very naughty.

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Grunts]

She...was...naughty.

[Birds chirping]

You miss your brother?

What do youthink?

You felt sorry for him.

Why?

I feel sorry for you.

You do? Yeah.

You're shrink number...

13.

Good.

That's my lucky number.

♪♪

Do you dream, Ricky?

♪♪

I...don't...sleep.

But Billy had dreams --

bad dreams.

[Whimpering]

Every day, I'd hear about them.

[Whimpering continues]

But every night, he'd live them.

[Groaning]

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

Please let me up!

Mother Superior had a thing about discipline...

[Voice breaking] Sister Margaret.

...what was naughty... and what wasn't.

Let me out!

Leave him alone. Let me up.

♪♪

Let me out of here!

Let me up!

Let me up!

♪♪

Let me out of here! Please!

[Whimpering]

♪♪

[Voice breaking] Sister Margaret...

But on Christmas day...

it all went straight to hell.

No! No! Aaah! No!

Out of the way.

No! [Whimpers]

You will learn gratitude!

Say thank you to Santa Claus.

No. No!

[Grunts]

♪♪

Billy! Billy!

♪♪

[Voice breaking] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be naughty.

Don't punish me.

Please.

[Footsteps approaching]

Mother Superior: William.

No one heard him screaming.

But Idid.

♪♪

[Sighs]

New tape.

[Birds chirping]

What do you see out there?

Bars.

[Sighs]

Let's jump ahead.

Let's.

Your brother eventually left the orphanage.

Yeah.

Left you alone.

He didn't leave me.

He was 18.

Mother Superior got him a job --

at the local toy store.

That's very good.

Very realistic.

Isn't it, Mrs. Randall?

He's definitely fat and jolly.

Take a closer look at yourself in the mirror, Billy.

Picture that.

Now, just remember, lots of "Ho, ho, ho."

Try not to scare the little bastards.

I guess they think the old guy's scary.

Silly, isn't it?

Silly.

[Indistinct talking]

Stop it. [Whimpering]

Please, stop it.

Do you have any idea what you're doing?

You're being naughty.

I don't bring toys to naughty children.

I punish them...

severely.

He sure knows how to handle kids.

He's great, isn't he?

[Whimpers]

Mommy!

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year ♪

♪ Good tidings for you wherever you are ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year ♪

♪♪

[Whirring]

♪♪

Hey, Santa!

[Slurring] Santa, you -- you better sober up.

You got a long night ahead of you.

[Laughing]

Huh?

You remember what Santa does on Christmas Eve, don't you?

♪♪

Yeah.

Yeah, I know what he does.

♪♪

[Whirring]

♪ Santa's watching, Santa's waiting ♪

♪ Christmas Eve is slowly fading ♪

♪ Can you hear him in the night? ♪

♪ Close the door, turn out the light ♪

♪ Santa's watching, Santa's creeping ♪

♪ Now you're nodding, now you're sleeping ♪

♪ Were you good for Mom and Dad? ♪

[Singing continues indistinctly]

Woman: Oh, stop it.

♪♪

Come on.

Come on. Don't do that, Andy.

Andy!

Unh-unh.

No. Don't do that.

Come on. Let's go back now.

Andy! Stop it!

Please, Andy! No!

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Laughs]

♪♪

No! [Screaming]

♪♪

Naughty!

♪♪

[Choking]

♪♪

♪♪

You bastard! You're crazy!

Get the hell away from me!

♪♪

[Thud]

Did you hear something?

I didn't hear anything, Mr. Simms.

Must have been your imagination.

♪♪

[Screams]

Punishment is good!

I heard something, by God.

[Whimpering]

No.

[Gasps]

♪♪

Anybody in here?

[Bells jingling softly]

♪♪

♪♪

Aah--

Mr. Simms!

♪♪

[Train whistle blows]

Mr. Simms!

Come out here and see this!

This is lovely!

♪♪

Mr. Simms! Are you hiding in there?

[Train whistle blows]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Whispering] Answer!

Operator. Thank God.

No!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

No!

♪♪

[Screams]

[Static]

Okay, you kinda see what I mean when I say it doesn't matter

if you haven't seen the first movie?

You're gonna see it.

That first flashback when Santa attacks the parents

is from Ricky's memory as an infant.

He's the baby in that car.

And actually, they kinda deal with it by saying that Billy,

the older psycho Santa, told Ricky,

the baby soon-to-be psycho Santa, how everything went down,

but even Billy is only 7 at the time of that highway scene.

So, anyhow, does anybody remember a basketball player

named Bill Laimbeer?

He played for the Detroit Pistons in their glory days.

Don't you think Ricky looks exactly like Bill Laimbeer?

Just saying -- big athletic guy.

Laimbeer was a 7-footer, I think.

Eric Freeman got relentlessly lampooned for this performance,

but I actually kinda like it.

I like the way he sneers.

Somebody went through the movie and counted the number of times

he raises an eyebrow --

130 times.

We'll talk more about Bill Laimbeer --

I mean Eric Freeman,

I mean Ricky Caldwell -- in a minute,

but basically, what we've got here is a framing story

with a no-nonsense psychiatrist as an excuse

to get the whole first movie into this movie.

We've got the big set pieces

of the Santa Claus murder of the parents,

the mean Mother Superior flogging Billy and tying him up,

the toy store murders 'cause people are being naughty.

So we know that a couple of things set Billy off --

the color red, 'cause Santa's suit is red,

and people having sex,

because he witnessed Santa attempting to rape his mom

and then slitting her throat.

There are eightwriting credits on this movie --

two for the original characters.

The story has four credits,

and the screenplay has two credits,

including Lee Harry, the editor-turned-director,

who admits he was scared as heck

when he walked on to the set the first day

and realized he was in charge

and everybody was gonna look to him to tell them what to do.

One interesting thing

about the "Silent Night, Deadly Night" franchise

is that every single person who worked on it,

including the original director, said,

"A," they were not horror fans and, "B,"

they didn't like the story -- they thought it was too violent.

And then they made it moreviolent.

'Course, the guy commissioning the sequels

is the head of LIVE Entertainment,

Jose Menendez, who would not live

to see the revival of interest

in "Silent Night, Deadly Night, Part 2,"

due to his sons, Lyle and Eric Menendez,

having an attitude similar to Ricky's.

And on that note, let's get back to the movie.

♪♪

Everybody that commits murder in L.A. is good-looking.

Have you noticed that?

They got personal trainers and makeup assistants and stuff.

Do they have a red carpet

down at the Los Angeles County Courthouse?

They probably do.

Lyle and Eric, they were just like Ricky --

studly guys, ladykillers.

And their reason for killing their mom and dad

was something like "We needed more personal space."

Right?

They were too constricted in their lifestyle.

They needed better courtside seats at Staples Center.

'Cause have you seen that Mark Jackson trading card?

You know, Mark Jackson was a point guard for the Knicks,

and on the official NBA trading card,

you can see Lyle and Eric sitting courtside

while he makes a bounce pass.

eBay pulled all those off the site.

You can't buy them anymore.

I don't know why.

It's not like Eric and Lyle get money

for being on the Mark Jackson basketball card.

I know what it was.

They were spending their parents' money

after they killed them.

That's how they ended up at Staples Center --

or wherever they went to the Knicks game.

Maybe it wasn't Staples Center.

Wait a minute. There was no Staples Center at the time.

So that would have been at the Forum.

But what would really be interesting --

and make this ridiculous, rambling thing I'm doing here

make some kind of odd sense --

would be if the Knicks were playing Detroit at the game

where the Menendez brothers were sitting courtside,

because then you would have Bill Laimbeer on the same court

as the guy who resembles

the fictional "Silent Night, Deadly Night" killer

who is buff and sharp-looking

and about the same age as the Menendez Brothers,

who actually spent money

from the "Silent Night, Deadly Night 2" proceeds

to purchase those courtside seats.

You see how life is a circle?

[Laughter]

Or maybe an octagon?

I need to shut up. Yes.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Sign buzzing, static]

But it wasn't his fault.

It couldn't be.

Then whose fault was it?

It was that bitch Superior.

She made him do it.

Was Billy being naughty?

No.

Theywere naughty.

He punished the bad ones.

How did he know who the bad ones were?

He didn't have to look very far.

[Bells jingling]Oh, shit.

What?

[Sighs] Sorry, Tommy.

I gotta go upstairs for a minute.

What for?

Um, the cat wants to come inside.

How do you know?

I heard her collar jingling at the door.

Uh...

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

[Cat meows]

There you are, you bad kitty!

Punish!

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

What are you doing?

No! No!

[Whimpering]

Punish.

Punish!

[Gasping]

[Cat meows]

[Wind whistling]

Holy shit.

[Cat meows]

♪♪

Denise?

Are you okay?

♪♪

Oh, if this is some kind of joke, I'm gonna kill her.

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

[Dial tone]

[Dialing]

[Ringing]

Operator.

Operator.

Operator, I-I need the police.

Dial 911 for emergency --

Sir, is this a joke?

♪♪

Punish!

[Gasping]

♪♪

Punish!

No!

♪♪

Dr. Bloom: But the others were innocent.

Ricky: Oh, no.

They deserved it.

But no one understood.

Not even the police.

Officer: Can you believe this?

It's Christmas Eve,

and we got orders to bring in Santa Claus.

♪♪

Hey, look.

♪♪

[Tires screech]

♪♪

What are you doing?

What do you think you're doing?!

♪♪

Hold it! Stop right there!

Daddy.

Daddy?!

♪♪

Daddy almost got his present early.

[Siren wailing]

But Billy was miles away.

♪♪

It was something to see. [Chuckles]

Cops stopping every Santa

between here and the state line.

[Siren continues]

But that didn't matter to Billy.

He knew the roads -- the shortcuts.

He knew exactly where he was going.

And nothing was gonna stop him.

♪♪

At least...not for long.

♪♪

Look at this hill. Virgin, man.

The only kind you'llever get.

I'm going down first.

♪♪

What's the matter? You afraid?

Be quiet for a minute.

I feel like somebody's watching me.

Like who?

♪♪

Well. If it isn't Bob and Mack.

Now why don't you guys just get the fuck out of the way?

♪♪

Glad to, little man.

But, uh, we're gonna go sledding.

Oh, that's the plan.

Yeah.

♪♪

All right! All right! I'm sorry!

♪♪

Now get out of here!

-Come on! Go on! -Get out of here.

Yeah. [Laughs] All right.

All right. Let's go.

You go first.

Oh, okay.

♪♪

Hey, what if I hit a tree?

Just go.

♪♪

Yeah!

[Laughs]

Ha! Whoo!

Yahoo!

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

♪♪

All right.

Now watch this!

♪♪

[Shouting, laughing]

[Screaming, cheering, laughing]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screams]

Oh, God!

Billy hated bullies.

♪♪

But he was starting to leave a bloody trail.

Three more murders.

Been eluding my men all night.

♪♪

Kid may be nuts, but he's not stupid.

♪♪

There oughta be a way we can predict his next move.

Oh, my Lord.

Ricky: Sister Margaret had it all figured out.

She always knew the score.

But Mother Superior called the shots.

It's fairly obvious where he was going.

Really?

Well, maybe you were just jerking off here, then.

Huh? If you say so.

♪♪

You're good, Doc.

But I know all the moves.

I could squash you like a bug.

♪♪

You don't scare me.

[Chuckles]

Not yet.

♪♪

[Indistinct talking]

I want those papers folded and stacked.

And I want each one of you to write a nice "thank you"

to Santa -- for his visit later.

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

If any of you get wet or start to feel cold, come back inside.

[Indistinct talking, laughter]

♪♪

Cut it out! Can't you see who's coming?

♪♪

Billy?

[Siren wailing]

This is Officer Barnes. I'm approaching the orphanage now.

♪♪

Shit!

♪♪

All right, hold it!

Don't take another step, or I'll shoot!

Billy. Get out of there! Get away from him!

Billy.

♪♪

Sister Margaret: Oh, my God.

Children! Inside! Hurry!

[Indistinct talking]

Ricky!

Come away from there!

One problem.

It wasn't Billy.

It was old man Kelsey, the janitor.

Poor, deaf son of a bitch.

Mother Superior was pretty pissed off.

I guess the cop kind of felt bad about it, too.

I couldn't give a shit.

I knew Billy'd take care of him.

He was dressed as a Santa Claus.

I'm sorry for what happened,

but there is a killer on the way here.

Oh, the children.

No harm must come to the children. Do you understand?

That's why I'm here, Sister.

I am Mother Superior.

And so far, all you have done is harm.

I'm gonna check out the grounds.

In the meantime, you make sure everyone stays inside.

Don't let anybody come in unless you know exactly who it is.

No one is going to get in that doesn't belong here.

♪♪

♪♪

[Liquid dripping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cat hisses]

[Bottle clinks, rolls]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Cat meows]

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

♪♪

Punish!

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Siren wailing]

♪♪

♪♪

Poor things. They're scared to death.

♪♪

Hmm?

Oh. Yes.

They need something to keep their mind off it.

We're gonna sing.

Ready, Sister?

"Deck the Halls."

Andrew, where do you think you're going?

Come on. We need altos.

♪♪

No! Don't!

Girl: It's Santa!

Chrissie, stay away!

But, Mother Superior --

Chrissie.

It's Santa Claus.

Stay away from him.

Come here.

Andrew, come here.

♪♪

There's no Santa Claus.

Naughty.

There is no Santa Claus!

Naughty. Naughty.

There is no Santa Claus!

Naughty!

[Gunshots]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You're safe...now.

Santa Claus...

is gone.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Adult Ricky: Naughty.

♪♪

Verynaughty.

[Static]

Okay, Darcy, were you paying close attention

to the "impalement on reindeer antlers" scene?

Because I want us to be

absolutely historically accurate.

I've seen that scene a million times.

Okay, then let's go over it.

That's Linnea Quigley in the impaled-slutty-girl role.

I don't think she's slutty.

She's just chilling with her boyfriend, checking on her cat.

Okay, well, she gets interrupted from pool table sex.

You have experience with pool table sex?

Yeah.

You say that like everybody has pool table sex.

So, you're having pool table sex with your boyfriend,

but you get interrupted.

We need somebody to play the boyfriend --

somebody on the crew who looks good with your shirt off.

So, uh...

[Laughter]

Okay, that's not gonna happen.

So, you go to the front door to check on your cat,

but when you open the front door,

a deranged Santa Claus grabs you

and raises you up over his head

and brutally rams you down onto the antlers.

Yes? Can you do that?

I'm so down for that. Okay.

And the antlers go through your rib cage -- very gory --

and they splatter blood all over your nekkid upper body.

[Laughs] Got it.

Only, your body won't be nekkid, because...

Shudder doesn't like us to do stuff like that.

So what do you want me to wear instead?

Oh, we can't see any nipple.

I thought we were gonna do the scene exactly as it is.

Well, yes, and I know your whole "Free the Nipple" crusade

that you have and how strongly you feel about it,

but we have children who watch the show, and so...

The children are gonna see it in the movie.

Yeah, I know, but...

Okay.

I think I have a solution.

You do? Yes.

You won't see a nipple at all.

Okay.

Now, who's playing Santa Claus?

I thought youwere.

You would let meimpale you on antlers?

It's a way to get you in the Santa outfit.

Okay. Totally worth it. Okay, sold.

In the meantime, I think we've finally

reached the end of the flashback part of the movie.

And by the way, how does Billy find these couples

having sex in the first place?

How did he know that you would come to the door

to check on your cat?

And why does he care?

Okay, the guys who stole the sleds were bullies,

so Billy hates bullies,

and he goes to the orphanage

because that's where the mean Mother Superior is,

and he hates her.

But he doesn't have any reason to hate Linnea Quigley.

He's just going house by house, judging.

[Laughing] Okay.That's my theory.

And she's having sex on a pool table and going topless, so...

"Naughty."

"Punish."

Ooh. You do that a little well.

All right, back to the movie.

What's your solution for nekkidness?

Pasties.

Oh, no, no, no. Shudder's not gonna go for that.

Pasties -- they don't cover up enough.

I have really cool festive pasties.

Really?You're gonna love them.

All right.

Oh, I'm sure I'll love pasties,

and I'm sure the crew will love pasties,

and I'm sure men all over America will love pasties,

but I can tell you, we have to harness those babies,

'cause we gotta keep those things under control.

Among other things, I'm gonna be hoisting you up

in a dangerous maneuver,

I'm gonna be inches from your chest.

You could put an eye out.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Sign buzzing, clinking]

[Static]

[Tape flapping]

So...

this is me, huh?

[Chuckles]

They closed the orphanage after that.

You bet.

But kindly Sister Mary was able to find me a family.

The Rosenbergs.

[Scoffs]

They definitely did not get involved with Christmas.

[Click]

[Projector whirring]

The sister gave them my...

background.

And they treated me okay.

I was finally able to act like a kid.

Not some freak show with a killer for a brother.

It wasn't bad.

Hell, what did I know?

I was 12 years old.

[Projector whirring]

[Whirring stops]

Martha? Martha!

Oh, Jill! Hi!

How are you? Oh, good to see you.

Ricky, you stay right there. Okay?

Oh, I'm so glad I ran into you.

[Continues indistinctly]

♪♪

Mom.

Just a second, honey.

♪♪

Mom.

Ricky, darling, Mommy is talking.

♪♪

Mom, look!

What is it, sweetheart?

♪♪

[Sighs]

I don't know what is wrong with him.

Jill: [Laughing] Oh, that's okay. So, anyway...

♪♪

Well. Good afternoon, Sisters.

I'll be right with you.

♪♪

♪♪

[Gunshots]

Jill, hold this.

♪♪

Oh, my God.

♪♪

I need to go.

Sister Mary: You've got to understand the situation.

Understand?

The boy -- he had some kind of a seizure.

This is not normal.

I was afraid they'd send me back.

Morty, Morty, you didn't see it. You don't know.

You weren't there.Yeah, but he's my son.

Crazy kid and all that.

I'd like to know what the hell is going on here!

If I may make a suggestion --

But Sister Mary straightened things out,

and pretty soon, the whole thing was forgotten.

Mother Superior has assured me

that his behavior will improve

once he has a stable family environment.

♪♪

Morty, he needs us.

♪♪

[Sighs]

Come on, honey.

I'd...like to spend some time with him.

♪♪

It was about five years later that my stepdad died.

[Crows cawing]

And guess what.

That hit me pretty hard.

♪♪

♪♪

The Rosenbergs had always been good to me.

And I knew what she was going through.

All alone.

[Cawing continues]

♪♪

After the funeral, I needed some time.

♪♪

I felt like running away.

♪♪

I've never told anybody this before.

Let it out.

[Chuckles]

Here it comes.

[Birds chirping]

I used to walk for hours on those back roads.

♪♪

No one was close.

♪♪

No one to lose.

♪♪

You tend to get paranoid when everyone around you gets dead.

♪♪

That's life.

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct talking]

♪♪

It doesn't really work that way.

Mm-hmm.

Is that cold?

[Both laugh]

♪♪

Ooh.

You're gonna need a new shirt.

[Laughs]

Why?

What do you mean?

I mean, I see something I like.

Eddie, you are such a pig.

Yeah.

[Sighs]

That's what you like about me, ain't it?

Say it.

Say what?

You know. Tell me you want it.

Eddie. Look.

If you don't tell me you want it, you can't have it.

[Chuckles]

I do want it.

But not right now.

♪♪

You're always in such a hurry with me.

Yeah, so what?

So maybe I'm tired of you always grabbing at me.

With your friends, it's real funny.

But not right now.

So leave me alone!

Come on!

Eddie!

♪♪

This will be fun. Eddie!

Ain't this exciting?

Goddamn it, Eddie! Stop it!

[Screams] [Screams]

♪♪

♪♪

Naughty.

♪♪

Fuck this.

I'm gettin' a beer.

Then I'll be back.

♪♪

You're an asshole, Eddie!

♪♪

♪♪

[Tab pops]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Horn blares]

[Engine starts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Engine revs]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Going too fast for you, Doc?

"Red car."

Good point.

You got any kids, Doc?

No, we were never blessed with children.

Married, then, huh?

Yes.

But my wife has been dead many years.

Too bad.

How'd you meet her?

In college.

And that's none of your business.

My old lady couldn't afford to send me to college.

So I got a job.

I was 18.

Washing dishes, dumping trash -- that kind of shit --

at the Chez Ritz across town.

Man: Rocco!

Man #2: [Laughing] No!

I think you'll enjoy this.

Come on, Rocco.

Rocco.

Sounded like some squirrel getting its nuts squeezed.

Rocco, let's talk!

No.

Rocco, just between the two of us!

[Laughing] No.

Rocco, come on. We can --

No!

Monday -- I swear I'll pay it all on Monday.

You won't live until Monday.

[Groans]

[Whimpers]

Listen, listen. I got a line on something.

I can feel it. It's gonna happen.

Hey, you know what?

What?

[Groans]

I hope you don'tpay on Monday.

[Groaning]

[Whimpers]

'Cause I enjoy this too much.

♪♪

♪♪

What are you looking at, kid?

Get out of my way.

♪♪

Ooooh!

You're really asking for it.

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Naughty.

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

[Gurgles]

♪♪

[Thunder rumbles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

I wonder how many times Ricky says "Punish" in this movie.

The theory of this movie is that he's a Pavlov's dog.

Whenever he sees something that could be interpreted as rape,

he flashes back --

Actually, let me correct that.

He can't flash back to his own memory,

so he somehow enters the brain of his dead brother

and uses hisflashback to the attempted rape

followed by throat slashing of their mother.

And, of course, anything red sets him off

like a bull in Pamplona.

So he gets triggered.

And also bullies -- he hates bullies.

I'm not sure what caused the childhood bully hatred.

They don't really establish that very well.

But a loan shark would be a bully, I guess.

What's with the girl thanking the serial killer

for running over her boyfriend, though?

She was upset because he was always grabbing her.

He was a pig. She calls him a pig.

And he admits it. He fesses up.

He says, "Yeah, I'm totally a pig."

And so he deserves death, I guess.

A fantasy scene for every incel, you know?

You guys know what incels are?

They're those guys on the Internet who believe

they will never have sex because all the girls

are taken by guys named Chad who deserve to die.

That's what they call them -- the Chads of the world.

They're kind of boyfriend-haters.

They're also girl-haters.

They think every girl chooses the wrong guy

instead of choosing an incel.

'Cause an incel is an abbreviation

for "involuntary celibate."

So they go to chat groups and talk about

how unfair dating life is 'cause they never get laid.

So this scene is what should happen in a perfect incel world.

He paws the girl, he acts like a pig.

Sorry -- he has to die so that an incel will have a chance

to have sex with her.

[Laughter]

Oh, there were three different Rickys

in the scenes we just watched.

The Ricky at age 10 was a kid named Brian Michael Henley.

This is the only time he was ever on film.

He's the kid who kept nagging his Jewish mom

because he saw those two nuns walking down the sidewalk

and it freaked him out.

By the way, the friendly nun's solution

to Ricky's psychiatric problem is Judaism.

[Laughs]

"We'll just put Ricky with a nice Jewish family,

and he'll never have to face Santa Claus again."

And then the Ricky at age 15, who runs over the boyfriend,

that was played by Darrel Guilbeau.

He was a day player brought in

to do the Jeep and the graveyard scene.

And then, of course, the loan shark,

umbrella-through-the-gizzard scene -- that was Eric Freeman.

So three actors, three Rickys

to show all the stages of Ricky's life.

So, this is one of those movies from the '80s --

and this happens a lot these days --

where the film gets totally forgotten

and then people rent it on VHS, they buy the DVD,

they start talking about it on the Internet,

they start posting their favorite scenes on YouTube,

and pretty soon, you have a cult classic on your hands.

And the reason in this case is the performance of Eric Freeman,

especially in the scenes we're about to watch.

If you talk to the filmmakers, they're amazed.

They had no idea.

Lee Harry, the director and co-writer,

only did one other feature, "Street Soldiers,"

a gang war movie with lots of stunts in it.

He was actually -- originally, he was going to school

in Bridgeport, Connecticut,

and he made a film called "Button Button"

based on a Richard Matheson story

that actually won a Student Film Academy Award,

and that's what caused him to move to Hollywood

in the first place, and his first real paying job

was doing the editing on "Hellhole,"

which was a slasher film set in an insane asylum.

This was in the era

when slashers were really considered reprehensible.

You didn't want to be associated with slashers.

But he had moved to Hollywood and he needed the money,

and so the producer of "Hellhole" was Larry Appelbaum,

and he came up later and said,

"Can you editors take 'Silent Night, Deadly Night'

and do something sequel-wise with it?"

And so they got this minuscule budget.

They got a revenge-plot script

that was kind of thrown together in three days.

It was just "cast, shoot, and run with that thing."

And the exam room where Bloom questions Ricky,

that was the Veterans Administration Hospital.

All these scenes we're watching now,

starting with the nuns on the sidewalk and the loan shark,

were in the little town of Sierra Madre,

population about 10,000, which is where you go

when you want to shoot a so-called typical American town.

It's not a typical American town

'cause nothing in Southern California

looks like a typical American town,

but it's got generic suburban neighborhoods

where people will let you use their property for cheap.

John Carpenter used Sierra Madre all the time.

The cemetery scene in the original "Halloween"

is the same cemetery where Ricky and his Jewish mom

mourn the passing of his Jewish dad,

and then Carpenter came back to use Sierra Madre

in "The Fog," "Halloween 2."

Hundreds of movies have been shot there,

going all the way back to D.W. Griffith in the silent era.

But they had so little money

that they had to shoot really, really fast,

so all the locations were what was called "hard outs,"

meaning you rented the place for a certain number of hours,

and when it got to be 6:00, you had to be cleaned up

and out of there, or all hell would break loose.

And so, Lee Harry remembers this putting him

under intense pressure and stress --

so much so that he didn't have time

to talk to the actors about their performances.

Now, Joe Earle, the other editor who was helping him

do the movie, the co-writer on the movie,

didn't have any qualms about talking to the actors,

so he was standing on the sidelines

all the time Eric Freeman was doing his scenes,

saying "Bigger! More! Crazier!"

And Freeman obliged him, as we will see shortly.

Okay, back to the flick.

[Sighing] Oh, boy.

I don't totally understand the whole incel thing.

Ricky is kind of an incel

because once he does get a girlfriend,

he's psycho about it.

See, that's the problem --

if an incel, you know, lucks out,

and gets a woman in his life,

he's gonna claw her to death with how clingy he's gonna be.

Which -- And I don't want to do spoilers,

but the incel philosophy is "I'll never have sex,

'cause girls only like bad boys, and I'm a nice guy,

so the girls hate me."

'Cause they get shot down all the time.

Well, here's some news for you --

every male has been shot down

like a wounded duck in an Arkansas rice paddy, you know?

Isn't that what you do in your 20s, you know?

You have a lot of girls say

"I'm not interested in you," "You're not my type."

And then she leaves all her stuff on your dresser.

That's how you know you're not an incel anymore, you know?

You discover a mascara stick covered in toothpaste.

And you think, "Oh, my God, she's not leaving."

Does that make sense?

So, incels, be careful what you ask for.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Sign buzzing, clinking]

[Static]

♪♪

What in the hell?

I see no mention of these two incidents in my notes.

Oh, my God.

The state review board will certainly

find out my opinions on --

[Birds chirping, crowd cawing]

Well... You didn't think...

...we've covered a lot of ground today....I was gonna let him get away with it?

Much more than I had anticipated.Did you, Doc?

[Pounds table] No way!

Too many people get away with shit like that.

Punishment.

Discipline.

You're really starting to get to me, Doc.

You're getting real close.

Then tell me about Jennifer.

Eat shit.

♪♪

Richard, do you know why you are here?

No, Doc.

Tell me.

No, you tell me.

I'm finished talking, Henry.

♪♪

[Paper rustles]

♪♪

Who is this?

♪♪

Jennifer.

♪♪

She's the only thing I ever cared about.

[Engine starts]

[Engine revs]

One day...

we just bumped into each other.

♪♪

[Tires screech]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

She was a knockout.

♪♪

I never wanted to lose her.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

That was my first time.

♪♪

I thought... it was Jennifer's, too.

[Explosions, laser gunfire]

Announcer: "Chaos.

The motion picture you've been waiting for.

More action. More violence.

[Woman screams]

Announcer: More death and destruction

than any film ever seen before.

You like this stuff?

"Chaos." Huh?

[Explosions, gunfire continue]

This movie's supposed to be scary.

When's it start?

Soon.

Let's go! Start the movie!

[Chanting] Movie! Movie!

[Sighs] Oh, great.

We have to listen to that for two hours?

It's okay. It's starting.

[Theme music plays]

[Vocalizes theme music]

♪♪

[Continues vocalizing]

♪♪

You got a problem, pal?

See what I mean?

♪♪

Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

[Whispering] You know, I really like you, Ricky.

♪♪

You're...different.

♪♪

I don't know what it is. I just --

Yeah.

I know.

Me too.

[Man smooching loudly]

♪♪

Go ahead, studly!

Kiss her! Ha!

[Movie dialogue]

[Scoffs]

I knew it.

Faggot!

[Laughs]

[Chuckles]

Well, we know that'snot true.

[Dialogue continues]

♪♪

What did you say this movie was about?

Oh, it's great.

It's about this guy who dresses up like Santa Claus

and kills people.

What?!

I'm holding you up, asshole!

♪♪

Punish.

♪♪

Ricky! Where are you --

[Sighs]

Santa Killer: 31 bucks!

Merry Christmas!

[Bells jingling]

[Engine starts]

[Tires squeal]

[Gasps]

Guess who.

Chip. Yuck.

[Sighs]

You haven't returned my calls, babe.

Imagine that.

Woman: Want a ride or not?

You must be getting pretty popular these days.

Go away.

I saw your dad at the club.

He said he hardly sees you anymore.

Like he cares.

I'dlike to see you again.

For yoursake.

Oh. Lucky me.

[Scoffs]

What have I done to deserve this treatment?

What haven'tyou done, Chip?

Wait a minute.

Is this the same girl

who pledged eternal love in the back seat of my car?

[Whispering] If you ever tell anybody about that,

I will kill you!

Don't worry.

It's our little secret.

Go...away.

Hey.

I'm trying to give you another chance.

Great.

You stood me up. You cheated on me.

You ruined my best sweater.

And I would rather diebefore I'd go out with you again.

♪♪

What are you trying to say?

Go...away, Chip.

I have a date.

[Sighs]

You mean Kong?

Is he housebroken?

♪♪

This movie's so bogus.

Really is.

Watch this.

The guy's gonna go down into the basement

without a flashlight.

Brilliant.

♪♪

Never mind the fact that everyone else

in the movie's dead.

How stupid.

Next thing you know --

♪♪

[Whispering] Shh.

Naughty.

[Man groaning]

[Chuckles]

Meter's running, Chip.

Or are you using a credit card?

Chip: Oh, Roxanne?

She's okay.

She keeps me in shape.

Till you come back.

Right. Possible.

She does get impatient, though.

Can't say I blame her.

Give me a break.

But I'll be home all summer.

Call me sometime.

I'll be busy.

I'll be waiting.

♪♪

[Movie dialogue]

♪♪

♪♪

Oh. You're back.

Let's get out of here.

No.

I'm beginning to like this picture.

[People screaming]

♪♪

So, tomorrow, after you go shopping,

would it be all right if I came and picked you up on my bike?

Sure. Good.

There's a certain spot I'd like to show ya.

Where?

♪♪

Well, it's kind of romantic.

It's, uh, up in the canyon.

You may like it.

♪♪

[Chuckles] Okay.

♪♪

So!

[Chuckles]

Thisis what you ended up with?

If I'd known you'd sink thislow,

I never would've dumped ya.

Chip, you're a jerk.

Why don't you just leave us alone?

Come on.

Don't you miss me?

♪♪

All those good times we had together.

Chip. Homecoming.

Chip!

♪♪

[Laughing] The hayride.

♪♪

That's enough.

Oh! It speaks.

I said that's enough.

Listen, bud, that's what shesaid

when I fucked her brains out

in the back seat of Old Red here.

Shut up!

♪♪

[Laughs]

Falling for me again, huh?

And you --

[Choking]

♪♪

♪♪

[Electricity crackling]

♪♪

[Crackling intensifies]

♪♪

No!!

♪♪

[Crackling stops]

♪♪

What are you doing?!

Are you out of your mind?!

...very naughty.

You killed him!

Punishment is good.

I hate you, Ricky!

Punishment is absolute.

I hate you!

Punish!

[Gulps]

Uh-oh!

♪♪

[Choking]

♪♪

♪♪

Officer: Freeze, asshole!

Okay, pal.

You stand right there.

♪♪

Right there!

♪♪

Let's be real civilized about this.

♪♪

Okay.

♪♪

That's fine.

♪♪

Now, I don't wanna have to hurt you.

♪♪

All I'm gonna do is slip these cuffs on.

And no funny stuff!

[Chuckles]

I know how to use this.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

[Thud]

♪♪

[Chuckles]

♪♪

[Chuckles slyly]

♪♪

♪♪

Hey! What the hell's all that noise out there?!

♪♪

Motherfucker.

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]

♪♪

♪♪

Garbage day!

Huh?

No!

♪♪

[Laughs]

[Blows]

♪♪

[Chuckles]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Excuse me, mister.

That's okay.

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughs]

♪♪

Bingo!

♪♪

♪♪

Ha!

[Laughs]

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Drop your weapon!

Drop it!

♪♪

[Laughs]

I repeat -- drop it!

Now!

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Gun cocks][Shotgun cocks]

[Laughs]

♪♪

No!

Don't do it!

No! It's not worth it!

Don't be a fool!Don't do it!

Don't kill yourself!

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Gun clicks]

[Static]

And so, the romantic part of Ricky's life

ends with extremely emotionally supportive cops

begging him not to kill himself.

Doesn't that save the state a lot of money

when the serial killer kills himself?

Right after Ricky utters one of the most famous lines

in horror film history -- "Garbage Day!"

[Laughter]

It was actually that one line

that probably resulted in the movie

being resurrected and worshipped today,

because literally millions of people sampled that line,

made memes out of it, spread it all over YouTube.

That led to the Find Freeman Movement.

Nobody could locate Eric Freeman for a long time,

and the rumor is that he was hiding in shame

over his performance in "Silent Night, Deadly Night 2."

He eventually surfaced and was good-natured about it,

although he admitted that he was trying to be a serious actor

and he just felt he had no guidance from the director.

And the director admits he had no guidance from the director.

They just kept telling him to get bigger and more deranged.

The girlfriend, Jennifer, is played by Elizabeth Kaitan,

in her first film role after moving to L.A.

She was working as a receptionist

at the same postproduction house where the director worked.

She's Hungarian.

She moved to New York City at the age of 8

and became a model,

got a couple of bit parts in "Waitress!"

and "Zelig," the Woody Allen film.

Then she moved to L.A. and had a short but very lively career.

She was Candy in the "Vice Academy" series,

she was Daria in "Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity,"

she was one of the bimbos in "Assault of the Killer Bimbos,"

she was Julia in "Necromancer,"

and probably the role most people have seen,

Robin in "Friday the 13th Part VII."

And lest we forget, Gretchen Hope

in "Roller Blade Warriors: Taken by Force."

Always sexy and chipper in her B-movie roles.

Retired from the business in the '90s, got married,

works as a secretary for David Horowitz,

the conservative political activist.

I should also mention James Newman

as Dr. Henry Bloom, the psychiatrist.

He was a theater actor.

He had just finished playing the psychiatrist in "Equus"

during a six-month theatrical run.

All right, that stunt with the car,

where Ricky fires three times

and makes the car crash and explode,

that was Spiro Rozatos, the one stuntman they had,

who did every single stunt in the movie,

standing what looks to be about 8 inches from that car

as it goes over that ramp.

So, does a little sidestep to get out of the way.

Great stunt for having no money.

Um...

all right, what else?

Yuki. Yes.

Are we ready for the reindeer antler finale?

We are ready.

Okay, the antlers have been aerodynamically tested

to handle the weight of Darcy

and to precisely puncture her rib cage?

We are ready.

Okay, well, I know Darcy is getting ready for her close-up.

And, uh, what are those?

For covering up the nipple.

No, no, Yuki. We can't use these.

They're way too small.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

Those are hysterical, and you should wear them at home, Yuki,

but those are not gonna work.

Shudder will kill us.

No? Oh, shoot.

[Laughter]

You're gonna have to cover up her breasts.

Okay.

You guys are --

All right, let's just go back to the movie,

and I'll get this straightened out.

And now for the thrilling conclusion of

"Silent Night, Deadly Night, Part 2."

♪♪

What if we just used stunt breasts for the close-up?

Did we ask Shudder about that?

See if you can get a message to the head office.

What if we used Linnea Quigley's breasts?

From the movie?

'Cause, you know, sometimes I host movies

made in the late '60s, early '70s,

and we'll have the cast members at the screening,

and those girls -- hippie girls, mostly, from the '60s --

who were in the exploitation movies of that period,

you ask them about nudity, and they're like, "What?

Who cares?"

You know, "We whipped off our clothes at a moment's notice."

They're the least uptight of all generations.

And then as you move steadily in time,

you start getting "I don't think I can do that."

You know?

The girl who was in the jeep scene that we just watched,

she flaked at the last minute.

She said she didn't feel comfortable going topless,

even though it was kind of necessary in the scene

'cause it's supposed to look

exactly like that scene on the highway

where Santa Claus rips off the blouse of Ricky's mom.

It's a trigger moment.

But she wouldn't do it, so they had to work around it.

Roger Corman would have fired her.

He had that stuff in writing, in your contract.

But, you know, breasts just aren't what they used to be.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Sign buzzing, clinking]

[Static]

♪♪

No more bullets.

♪♪

Young and stupid.

♪♪

That was my problem.

♪♪

And it's a shame they stopped me

before I did what I really had to do.

♪♪

[Chuckles]

But, hey...

that's life.

♪♪

♪♪

Sorry things worked out this way, Henry.

You only wanted to help.

I appreciate the effort, though.

But between you and me, Doc, I know who's to blame.

[Clatter]

Dr. Bloom: Hey, what the --

Man: Oh, my God! He's loose!

[Indistinct shouting]

♪♪

♪♪

Man: ...told me that there'd been a murder at the institute.

We've got a problem, Sister.

He walked out of here six hours ago.

And it's Christmas Eve.

The orphanage is closed, Lieutenant.

Mother Superior had a stroke.

She's retired and lives alone.

Oh, my God.

♪♪

Okay, hold it.

Nah.

He'd have to find her first.

Man: Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!

Give a dollar for the kiddies!

Ho, ho, ho --

Well, hello, there, big fella!

How'd you like to give a little somethin' to Santa?

[Grunting, groaning]

[Metal rattles]

♪♪

[Metal creaking]

[Ricky humming "Jingle Bells"]

[Fabric tearing]

[Vocalizing]

[Vocalizing stops]

[Pages turning]

[Humming]

[Humming stops]

Oh, ho!

[Receiver clicks, dial tone]

[Coins clinking]

[Humming]

[Clinking continues]

[Dialing]

[Laughs evilly]

[Dialing continues]

[Line ringing]

Mother Superior: Hello?

Merry Christmas.

Who is this?

Santa's back!

[Coins rattle]

♪♪

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Tires squealing]

[Dial tone]

♪♪

[Receiver clicks]

♪♪

[Children laugh]

♪♪

♪♪

Announcer: Merry Christmas!

Live from downtown, it's the annual Christmas parade,

featuring a selection of the city's number-one drill teams,

Shameful. marching bands and cheerful floats

from all over the area.Sacrilegious.

Why, they've made a travesty of the sacraments.

[Children laughing]

♪♪

["Silent Night"plays, distorted]

♪♪

♪♪

Children should be in bed.

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Children scream]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

Mother Superior!

♪♪

I've got a present for you!

♪♪

[Grunts] [Gasps]

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]

Oh! There you are!

♪♪

That was close.

♪♪

Come on!

♪♪

Let me in.

I wanna talk about...

old times.

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Chuckles]

Oh, good!

I love a chase!

And, hey, kids, here comes Santa Claus!

He's gonna find out who's been naughty or nice.

[Screams]

[Screaming, grunting]

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Laughs]

Ohh!

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughing]

♪♪

[Laughing continues]

♪♪

Gotcha!

[Screaming]

♪♪

I'm really mad now!

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Grunts angrily]

♪♪

[Laughs evilly]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Richard?!

♪♪

Richard!

You come and face me!

♪♪

Richard, I am not afraid of you!

You are weak, just like your brother!

♪♪

And like your brother, you must be punished!

[Door creaks]

♪♪

You're looking well.

♪♪

I am your Mother Superior!

As I raised you from a child,

I order you to put that weapon down

and take your punishment!

No more punishment.

♪♪

You are being very, very naughty!

Naughty this!

♪♪

[Sirens wailing]

♪♪

[Ricky shouting in distance]

Officer: You two, up the stairs!

♪♪

This way, Lieutenant.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Mother Superior?

Mother Superior, it's Sister Mary.

Please, dear God.

Mother Superior, are you all right?

[Screams]

♪♪

Boo!

♪♪

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Shotgun cocks]

♪♪

Yeaaaaaah!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

He's gone, Sister.

It's over.

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Static]

Okay, a few things here.

After Ricky kills the psychiatrist,

why would the cops invite good Sister Mary to the crime scene?

You know, she's the kindly nun who tells us that,

unfortunately, Mother Superior has had a stroke.

And apparently, it's the kind of stroke

that creates massive boils all over your face.

[Laughter]

So you can't tell that this Mother Superior is different

from the Mother Superior in the previous scene.

But before Ricky can go visit the object of his vengeance,

he needs a Santa suit,

and so he kills a Salvation Army Santa

played by cinematographer Harvey Genkins.

He's the guy with his face pressed up against the glass.

He has to step in because the actor didn't show up that day

Harvey did all the camerawork

on "Silent Night, Deadly Night 2,"

and he did a good job.

It's in focus.

I have to say, though, in that final sequence,

the Mother Superior puts up a hell of a fight

from her multiple wheelchairs.

And, of course, they set it all up

for "Silent Night, Deadly Night" 3, 4 and 5.

All of which, oddly enough,

had much bigger-name actors involved.

So, to sum up, the original came out in November 1984,

was pulled out of theaters due to massive protests,

the original studio sold the distribution rights

to Aquarius Releasing.

They did a spring 1985 re-release.

Then LIVE Entertainment released it on video in 1986.

The theatrical release of the movie we just watched

was May 1987.

Audiences were underwhelmed,

which is why the next three went straight to video.

Part 3, "Better Watch Out,"

was directed by a pretty famous guy --

Monte Hellman of "Two-Lane Blacktop" fame.

And it stars Bill Moseley as Ricky,

who has a clear glass dome on his head

making his brain visible.

And Robert Culp is in the movie in a Dr. Loomis type of role.

That one came out in Christmas 1989.

Part 4, "Initiation," was produced by Richard Gladstein,

who would go on to win Academy Awards,

but for this one, he hired Brian Yuzna,

who said, "I didn't want do the Christmas thing for Part 4,"

so Part 4 has nothing to do with Christmas,

and, in fact, it's kind of a "Blood Feast" idea.

Clint Howard and his female coven --Darcy: Whoo!

Yeah! Darcy's a big Clint Howard --

I'm a big Clint Howard fan, too,

but you're obsessed with Clint Howard.

I mean, he's amazing.

And Clint is obsessed in the movie with resurrecting

Isis the Egyptian goddess in that movie.

Maud Adams is actually the cult leader.

With special effects by Screaming Mad George,

the same guy who did "Society."

That was released at Christmas 1990,

even though it had nothing to do with Christmas.

Part 5, "The Toy Maker,"

was produced by Yuzna but not directed by him.

He hired Martin Kitrosser, a first-time director,

to make a sort of weird adaptation of "Pinocchio"

starring Mickey Rooney

as a drunken shop owner named Joe Petto.

Get it? Joe Petto?I get it.

All right.

It's about android toys.

So, anyway, it's weird that Mickey Rooney would star in it,

because when the first movie came out in 1984,

Mickey Rooney said it was disgusting and

"The scum who made that movie should be run out of town."

And the reason he said that is that Mickey had been Santa Claus

in "Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July."

And who would dare demean that classic? Okay.

The Mickey Rooney movie came out in 1991

and put the franchise out of its misery.

Oh, I forgot -- but the remake.

The remake directed by Steven Miller in 2012.

No relation to the original at all.

Did you see the remake?

I did. And you loved it?

[Laughs] No, I didn't.

I don't always like the remake better.

Okay. Thank God. 'Cause I --

All right. Are you ready for action?

You told me that you've solved the nudity problem

with a very festive bra that you --

Oh. Is that a bra?

Yeah. I mean...

[Laughter]

Does this make you happy? Is this good, Shudder?

I don't know how you're gonna put that on, but yeah.

We're gonna make it work.

I expect that will make me happy.

[Laughter]All right.

Is this the lamest Christmas special

in the history of Joe Bob Christmas specials?

Oh, no! You've had way worse.

[Laughter]

Well, nobody showed up for this one. That's for sure.

We invited 30 people. Nobody came.

I'mhere.

Well, yeah, but you haveto be here, so that doesn't count.

I'm here 'cause I want to be here.

And Yuki's here and Austin

and Jordan and the whole crew.

Yeah, I know. We're all here.

[Laughter]

I wish you could see all the tweets and the e-mails

and just the love that's pouring in for you

from the whole "Last Drive-In" family all around the world.

Our friends are here.

You know, one reason why people tell sad stories on Christmas

is because the Christmas story itself is a sad story.

Mary is pregnant, can't find a place to have her baby,

has to go to a stable.

You know?

Three strangers show up.

Arabs, you know?

Joseph is freaking out 'cause he doesn't know

how Mary got pregnant in the first place.

So that's a weird story, right?

But the ending is happy.

Yeah, and that's why Christmas is all about making people

feel like they belong when they don't belong.

Okay, so, here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna tell a sad Christmas story,

and then youhave to tell a sad Christmas story, okay?

I guess so.

All right.

All right, here's my story.

All right.

Not too many years ago, around Christmastime,

when I was knocking around New York City,

trying to find jobs during a recession,

I was flat broke.

I've been flat broke several times in my life.

And so when you're flat broke, you take the bus a lot.

And to take the bus in New York City,

you have to have this thing called a MetroCard,

which -- they will not sell you one on the bus.

You have to go to a train station to get one.

And you put money on the MetroCard,

and then every time you take the bus,

a little machine by the driver takes the money off

and says "Okay, this guy can ride."

And one more setup for this story.

When I'm not wearing my bolo tie

or my hat or my boots or, you know,

it is very, very rare

for anybody in New York to recognize me --

mostly because, let's face it, my audience was never that big.

I was off the air for 17 years.

So, especially in New York City, I just don't get recognized.

People think you're Norm Macdonald.

Yeah, I know! I know. What is that?

You know, they say, "Norm Macdonald. Hey, Norm."

You know?

[Laughter]

So, one day on Sixth Avenue, I walk on to the bus,

and it's a very crowded bus,

and so I walk into the back door,

and when you walk into the back door,

you're supposed to fight your way up to the front of the bus

and stick your card in the thingy, right?

And so as soon as I step on the bus, I reach for my card,

and I remember, "Oh. There's no money on it."

And not only that, I didn't even have the 20 bucks

to put on there anyway,

you know, to fill the stupid bus card.

And so I think, "Well, I got to get uptown for this meeting,

'cause I have no choice.

I need a job.

I was going to a lunch

with the editors of The Wall Street Journal.

[Laughs]

'Cause there was a possibility of doing some writing

for the entertainment section of The Wall Street Journal.

And so I think,

"Well, I'll just sort of blend in

to the crowd at the back of the bus,

and maybe the driver won't notice."

So the bus goes one block, and the driver yells,

"Hey! You! Big guy!"

[Laughing] And I realize that he's caught me.

And he says, "Pay up or get off!"

And everybody on the bus turns around, and they look at me.

There's like 50 people. This is a crowded bus.

There's like 50 people staring at "the big guy."

So, right at that moment,

this guy in some kind of horror shirt --

he had a black T-shirt, and I don't remember the movie,

but he had a horror shirt on --

and he says, "Hey, man," you know, "I'll pay your fare."

But, first of all, there's no way for him to pay the fare

'cause you got to have a MetroCard,

but I guess he was gonna use hisMetroCard.

But I was too humiliated at that point, you know, like,

to follow him up to the front and him pay the fare,

and so I got off the bus,

and he was kind of trying to follow me, you know,

'cause he felt so sorry for me

and kept saying he'd pay the bus fare.

And so my first thought was, "Well, this is the bottom

The good thing about this is

I cannot go any lower than this."

I'm getting kicked off the bus in Lower Manhattan,

not being able to get to my meeting.

But here's what makes it a Christmas story.

I like to think that that guy was a horror fan

who had seen one of my shows.

I'm not sure he was, but he had a horror shirt,

and he was really, really trying to pay my fare,

when everybody else was trying to run away from me,

which makes it all the more embarrassing

because then you're like Burt Ward, right?

"Oh, I saw Burt Ward.

He used to be Robin."

Burt Ward is awesome!

Okay, well, Iknow Burt Ward is awesome,

and youknow he's awesome, but people are mean.

So, what I realized that day --

This is the real Christmas part of the story.

I know my stories are too long.No.

I thought, "Those fans will always be there.

The film family will always find me."

And that turned out to be true, 'cause none of those

Wall Street Journalguys are even there anymore.

And who got me back in the hosting chair?

The fans.

We did the marathon, the fans showed up.

That's why we have to take care of the fans,

'cause they never go away.

Everybody else goes away.

So you're right -- everybody who's tweeting us,

those are the real guests at the party.

That's my story.

That was an amazing story.

But next time, if that ever happens again, call me.

I got your back.

You're never gonna not be able to ride the bus again.

You can't fill my bus card from L.A., but thank you.

All right, your turn.

Oh, man. Okay.

Um...

A few years ago, I was living in crappy motel rooms

with my small son,

and we weren't allowed to leave the room at any time.

What do you mea you weren't allowed to leave the room?

We were kind of, like, prisoners in the room.

There was, like, tape on the door

so you could tell if we went --

to make sure we didn't leave.

For how long?

Like, years.

What?

Yeah, probably like...

Wait a minute. You're actually imprisoned in a motel?

Well, different ones, but yeah.

Oh, okay, in a series of motels.

And you're taking care of your kid in that environment?

Yes.

And he's a special-needs kid.

Can we say he's autistic, or will that embarrass him?

Okay. 'Cause he actually helps the show.

I've had dealings with Alex.

He helps us with research on "The Last Drive-In."

He's amazing.

He's the guy who, when you went to Italy,

he identified Luigi Cozzi on sight.

Yes. Who does that?

Who can identify Luigi Cozzi on sight?

Your son can.

He's actually the person who came up with the title

"Halloween Hootenanny."

Yes! He's so proud of that.

[Laughing] Okay. So, all right, go ahead.

Sorry. No, please.

All right. Okay.

So, yeah, so, Halloween always gives me strength

and makes me think I can do things,

and for me, I consider the holiday season

from Halloween all the way to Christmas.

Okay.

So one year, I got the strength

to, like, escape from my abusive husband

and take my son out of that environment.

But then my husband kidnapped my kid for, like, over a year,

and I had to search for him, and the police wouldn't help.

And I finally found him and brought him back.

Yay.

Darcy, this is a Lifetime movie already.

This is like a four-hour Lifetime movie already.

You know? Okay.

But I'm not at the Christmas part yet.

Okay. All right. Okay.

So, now I'm like,

I got a kid and me, like, alone for the first time.

I have to keep food in the house, pay rent,

pay for all his special-needs stuff,

and it was completely scary to be in charge.

And I started working at this really crappy job

at a sock factory.

A sock factory? Yeah.

Where they make socks? Yeah.

Like, in the...

They made socks. It's a sock factory.

And it didn't make --

it was not enough money to take care of us,

so I went to apply for welfare.

Where are you?

In South Carolina. Okay.

So, I was standing in the welfare line,

and it dawned on me that the thing

I should actually be doing was go become a stripper.

[Laughs]

I'd kind of always thought of doing it before,

but my family -- it's, like, a sin and terrible

and "You'll be a terrible mom if you do that."

And I was a scaredy-cat anyway about, like, everything,

so I didn't even think I could do it if I tried.

So, I started working at this nekkid car-wash place,

just to get used to taking off my clothes in front of people,

and -- Wait a minute.

Like "Bikini Car Wash," the movie?

Yeah, but, like... nekkid.

[Laughs] Naked car wash.

Oh, it wasn't just bikinis? You were really --

Well, it depends on how much you paid. [Laughs]

Really? Yeah.

And they would actually get really mad.

Like, they'd want you to, like, detail their --

They'd get really mad about the quality of your car wash.

[Laughing] Really?"That's not the point."

[Laughs]

Anyway...

Was that a good job?

I mean, it was way better than the sock factory, but...

It was attached to the strip club,

so at night, it was a strip club,

so you could go around the corner and see it,

and I'd, like, peek around at the stages and be like,

"Maybe one day."

[Laughs] Yeah?

And then, at the holidays,

car wash work wasn't so busy.

I got the courage to actually go into the club

and dance for the first time,

And it was crazy.

Like, I made more money than I'd ever seen in my life,

And I brought home this, like, mountain of cash

and, like, put it on the bed

and showed it to my son, and we just...

I was like, "Look at this.

We are okay now, and we're never gonna have to worry again."

And he was just so adorable.

He, like, started rolling around in the money

like Scrooge McDuck style, like "Yeah!"

And so, we both did that, and anyway, we were happy.

And so the next day, I started dancing full time,

and we ended up having the best Christmas ever

because we were free and not stressed out anymore.

That is a great Christmas story.

And so, you and Alex rolled around in the money?

He started it, but, you know...

[Laughs]

He was all about it.

That's a very good Christmas story.

So, actually, I'm going back to that same club

for just one night

to do a featured dancer thing in the spring.

It's, like, a fundraiser.

So, all the money that we make

goes to organizations that help young dancers.

You're going back to the same club where you first --

My very first strip club that I ever worked at,

we're gonna do a fundraiser there.

And you're the featured dancer?

Yeah.

I know that charity that you're talking about.

You do? Yeah.

Yeah, it's an amazing charity, and they do great work.

So, youhave to come.

You want me to come to that?

Yeah, you are requiredto come.

Okay, done. How can I refuse? It's Christmas.

Are you ready to be impaled on reindeer antlers?

Never been readier.

Okay, John Brennan, do you have any music

to create a creepy atmosphere

so that Darcy can go to the door and check on her cat,

unaware that a deranged Santa Claus is on her porch?

John: I have a two-hour mixtape with that theme.

[Laughing] Okay, great.

[Laughs]

Let's do it! Come on!

Yay! Let's go!

Whoo-hoo!

♪♪

[Gasps]

[Growls]

♪♪

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Squish]

♪♪

Wow. That felt good.

[Laughter]

Which is so wrong.

[Laughter]

[Sighs]

Thank you for spending your Christmas with us.

I'm not sad anymore, you know?

John, do you have something you can play that's happy?

I feel like we should gather around the bloody antlers

and the late Darcy and sing a carol.

John: All right!

[Click]

♪♪

♪ I don't want to celebrate the holidays ♪

♪ Because every year, it's all the same ♪

♪ The parties are bad, and that's the truth ♪

♪ Your Grandma Ruth only has one tooth ♪

♪ Your Uncle Bob is a great big slob ♪

♪ And your Aunt Lorraine, she's a major pain ♪

♪ The food is stale, and the drinks are weak ♪

♪ Below the mistletoe, I see a lecherous freak ♪

♪ Forget about holiday cheer ♪

♪ Joe Bob's drinking some Lone Star Beer ♪

♪ Fire up the VCR ♪

♪ And host a movie marathon ♪

♪ On this merry red Christmas ♪

♪ I'd rather be alone, unplug my rotary phone ♪

♪ Merry red Christmas ♪

♪ Turn off the schmaltzy music ♪

♪ We'll all do a lot less puking ♪

♪ Merry red -- ♪

Naughty!

♪♪

Punish!

♪♪

♪ All the malls are packed to the brim ♪

♪ And "Deck the Halls" gets under my skin ♪

♪ Hell on Earth is a SantaCon ♪

♪ Happy days are now woebegone ♪

♪ There;s too much fightin' and there's too much fuss ♪

♪ Corporate greed replaced baby Jesus ♪

♪ So, like Macaulay, I'll be home alone ♪

♪ This Christmas goose has been picked to the bone ♪

♪ Forget about holiday cheer ♪

♪ Joe Bob's drinking some Lone Star Beer ♪

♪ Fire up the VCR ♪

♪ And host a movie marathon ♪

♪ On this merry red Christmas ♪

♪ I'd rather be alone, unplug my rotary phone ♪

♪ Merry red Christmas ♪

♪ Turn off the schmaltzy music ♪

♪ We'll all do a lot less puking ♪

♪ Merry red Christmas ♪

♪ Forget your roasted turkey ♪

♪ I'll stuff my face with beef jerky ♪

♪ Merry red Christmas ♪

♪ Shut down the Polar Express ♪

♪ And I'll bet you'll be a lot less depressed ♪

♪ Merry red Christmas ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪