Original subtitles

Okay, well, normally I don't give away

the programming in advance.

Everything is supposed to be a surprise on

"The Last Drive-In" and "Joe Bob's Red Christmas,"

but now that "Black Christmas" is behind us,

the rest of the evening is gonna be all about

Christmas cheer and healing and love and friendship

and...yeah, we do have a few murders and impalements

and torture scenes coming up, but other than that...

My point being that I've invited all the other horror hosts

in America to join me for a Christmas celebration

here at the end of the year,

and since there aren't as many of us as there used to be,

I'm especially thrilled

the queen of them all will be dropping by.

And the most famous male horror host,

probably because he's been doing it for 50 years.

How long has he been on the air, Austin?

More than 50 years, maybe.

Longer than me anyhow, and that's a long time.

And then we're also bringing in some contemporary horror hosts

and some local horror hosts, and we're all gonna kick back

some egg nog and trade horror host secrets

and bring the drive-in mutants together in unity.

Aw. That might be the sweetest speech I've ever heard you make.

I know, right? What's wrong with me?

[Laughs] Are we really doing that?

Yes, starting at the very first break of this next movie,

our main guest will be right here with me,

and she is very, very famous.

Oh, my God. A female horror host who's very famous?

-I wonder who it could be? -I can't tell you.

Ooh, I'm dyingof suspense.

And then, of course, we've got the big closer --

when you are brutally impaled on razor-sharp reindeer antlers.

Oh. Now they're razor-sharp?

Yeah, well, they may not be razor-sharp,

they may just be enormous, like moose antlers or something.

Yuki is finding the most badass antlers available.

Am I gonna need a special wardrobe for that?

I think you need to be nekkid.

I mean, wasn't Linnea Quigley nekkid in

"Silent Night, Deadly Night," Austin?

-Yeah. -Yeah, okay, no --

No, she had shorts on.

-Oh, okay, just half-nekkid. -Yeah.

Well, we'll have somebody come in

and advise you on your wardrobe for that.

Maybe we should have done that a couple of weeks ago.

Okay, but first we have

a deranged mutant killer snowman movie.

And not just any psycho snowman movie,

the best psycho snowman movie --

actually the only psycho snowman movie, "Jack Frost."

Yay!

You've been a long-time champion of "Jack Frost," I know.

Oh, yes, I love "Jack Frost."

Thank God there are no Santa Clauses in this movie,

so no need for any Santa hats on "The Last Drive-In."

I'm not putting on a Santa hat again this year.

If I can get impaled by giant antlers,

you can put on a Santa hat.

We'll talk about that later.

Right now we're gonna get nasty with a snowman.

Ooh, I am so down for that.

"Jack Frost" is the story of what happens

when a sadistic cannibalistic serial killer

on his way to the execution chamber

gets mangled into a gelatinous mess

when his prison transport vehicle crashes into a truck

carrying a top-secret experimental DNA scrambler,

and since it's Christmastime in Colorado,

it all gets mixed up with the thick snow on the ground,

and pretty soon we've got a giant snowman

with revenge on his mind.

Sure, we've seen it before, but have we seen it

with cleaning supplies used as deadly weapons?

I think not.

Let's look at those drive-in totals and get started here.

We have...

But, unfortunately, they are snow breasts.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for...

Scott MacDonald as the scar-faced killer

who turns into the demonic snowman who says,

"Well, it ain't fucking Frosty!"

F. William Parker as Paul the hardware store guy.

Christopher Allport as Sam the befuddled sheriff.

And Michael Cooney, the writer/director,

for one of the most original flicks of the '90s.

Three and a half stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

How come every winter it's a snowman

and not a snowwoman?

Nobody ever says, "Hey, let's go outside

and build a snowwoman," right?

Even though, think about it -- ever seen legs on a snowman?

No. Of course not. Too hard, right?

Snowwoman, it can just be that she's in a long dress.

Of course, I'm stereotyping.

The snowman could also be in a long dress.

And, hey, you know what? Snowtran.

It's not a snowman, it's a snowtran.

'Cause everything on a snowperson is ambiguous, right?

So you just sit in your front yard and you wait for people

to come by and say, "Hey, great snowman!"

And you say, "How do you know it's a man? Bigot!"

You know, so, come on, it'll make the Christmas season

festive, you know.

"It's a snowtran, you ignorant cisgender doofus, you."

Because that's what we do in America, right?

We tell one another how worthless we all are

when we use the English language to mean the same thing

it's meant for a thousand years. [Chuckles]

Are we really having a party tonight?

That is the second time you've asked me

if we're having a party tonight.

Yes. I've invited every horror host in America.

Well, most of them. I mean, the famous ones.

We invited the famous ones.

We invited at least three horror hosts.

Oh, my God, it's going to be so fun!

We have to decorate.

Okay. Yuki!

We got -- Oh, Yuki, no, no, no.

Forget it, you're way too busy.

We'll do the decorations ourselves.

No. Work on that, Yuki.

Good work, man. That's the idea.

You did some measurements on Darcy, didn't you?

Yes.

All right. Outstanding.

♪♪

♪♪

Girl: Uncle Henry, tell me a story.

Man: No, it's late. Go to bed.

Santa will be here soon.

No, I want a story. Please!

All right, all right.

You want a happy story, or you want a scary story?

I want a happy scary story.

A happy scary story?

-Yeah. -Fine.

Once upon a time, there lived a man by the name --

by the name of Jack Frost.

-Jack Frost? -That's right.

Like in the song, "Jack Frost nipping at your nose."

[Giggles]

Only this guy did it for real.

You know how regular folk get up in the morning,

eat something, then hurry off to do whatever for the day?

Uh-huh.

Well, Jack would get up, eat something,

then hurry off and kill someone.

'Cause that's what he did. He killed people.

He'd stick knives in their faces and cut out their tummies.

And stamp on their heads till their brains got all runny.

Uncle Henry, I don't think this is such a --

Hey, hey, hey. You wanted a story, you got a story.

Uh, okay.

But why did he hurt people?

How should I know?

Maybe his mum and dad never gave him enough hugs.

Maybe they gave him too many hugs.

Or maybe he just liked the color red

and things that went squish when he stuck

sharp points in them.

-Oh. -It doesn't matter.

The only thing that's important is that no one could catch him.

Some say that Jack was a ghost, that he was already dead

and could walk through walls or vanish into thin air.

-Oh. -Truth is he never stayed

in one place long enough to be caught.

-See, Jack was smart. -Uh-huh.

He'd drift into a town, blend in,

puree a few of the locals, then just drift off

to some place else that needed a little social pruning.

Any towns that had too many little girls

that looked just like you.

But -- But they did catch him didn't they Uncle Henry?

Well, for five years, through 11 states and 38 deaths,

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick,

Jack gouged eyes with candlesticks.

He smashed in skulls with sticks and stones.

Used iron bars to crush their bones

so he could hide his kills in tiny places,

and he wouldn't have to see their faces.

Uncle Henry --

That is until the pies.

Pies?

Yeah, little bits of people started turning up

in Mrs. Puddles' pecan pies all over the Midwest.

[Gasps]

Fingertips, eyelids, earlobes.

Mm-hmm, some say that Jack had got sloppy

or that deep down he really wanted to be caught.

Others said that it made the pies taste better.

-Eww. -Bottom line --

Jack had made his first mistake.

Authorities knew where he worked.

Within a week, they traced his car.

Then it was just a matter of time before he was caught,

tried, and sentenced to die.

Oh.

In fact, right this very moment,

Jack is being taken to his place of execution.

His story should end at midnight.

But the fun's just about to begin.

So why don't you go to bed

and have sweet, sweet dreams.

[Whimpers]

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

♪♪

♪♪

Tell you something -- that murdering bastard

Jack Frost in here is one lucky son of a bitch.

Lucky? He's being executed in 30 minutes.

Yeah, well, at least he doesn't have to drive

back through this crap.

[Chuckles]

Deep-fried Jack served at midnight!

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Electricity crackling]

♪♪

Say, pal...

how about a smoke?

[Lighter clicks]

♪♪

Say, Frost, why don't you shut the hell up?

♪♪

[Inhales deeply]

Ah.

Filtered.

♪♪

Man: Hey, Jack we just crossed the Snowmonton County line.

Ain't this where you screwed up?

Screwed up?

Yeah, for years, the FBI was chasing this

overgrown piece of shit.

Crossed like half a dozen states.

Then this backwater sheriff plays hero for five minutes

and takes all the glory.

[Both chuckle]

Ain't how it happened, Jack?

[Thudding]

Almost got away with it didn't you?

Harv?

Harv?

Everything okay back there Harv?

Oh, we're doing fine...

Phew!

...real fine.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

What... The...

Fuck?

[Tires squealing]

[All scream]

Oh, yeah.

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

[Rumbling]

[Gas hissing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chains jingling]

[Laughs]

Looks like deep-fried Jack's off the menu for tonight, huh?

Jesus Christ.

♪♪

Now, we can do this the easy way or we can --

This is gonna hurt.

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chuckles]

[Roaring]

[Screaming]

[Growling]

[Rock music plays on radio]

Honey, you're miles away.

I'm -- I'm all right.

It's after midnight.

No more stays of execution.

It's over.

No more nightmares about Jack Frost.

[Chuckles]

[Police radio chatter]

♪♪

♪♪

Hi there.

Engine problems?

Bladder problem. Ah.

I'm gonna need to see your license, please.

♪♪

Stay away from the vehicle, please.

♪♪

Make up your Goddamn mind.

You want to see my license or do you want me to stay here?

♪♪

It's your move, Sheriff.

♪♪

I want you to stay away from the vehicle

and lie down on the ground.

♪♪

♪♪

This one...

you are gonna regret.

♪♪

That's right, Sheriff, you take a good long look at this face.

'Cause the next time you see it,

it's gonna tear your world apart.

I'll find a way!

I'll tear your town apart!

I'll kill your family! I'll kill you!

You're dead! You hear me?! Dead!

Woman: Honey, honey? Honey!

Slow down.

What's going on?

Whoa!

Touch my finger, touch my knee.

Thank the Lord it was not me.

Wow, there's an ambulance.

Can we stop, please?I-I don't think so.

Now you just settle down, we'll be home in about 20 minutes.

There's two squad cars, an ambulance.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

That's very nice, Ryan.

Sweetie, put your seat belt on.

♪♪

What happened here, Officer? I'm with the local --

Keep it moving, sir. This is a federal matter.

Okay.

[Police radio chatter]

♪♪

Then it just ran off. Only it couldn't run.

It was -- It was like he was trying to...

but he didn't have legs.

Like he was part of the snow.

-What the -- -I'll take it from here.

You the man who witnessed the incident?

♪♪

Let's you and me take a little midnight stroll.

♪♪

[Siren wailing distantly]

["Deck the Halls" plays]

Man on radio: Well, I'm afraid federal authorities

are still holding a lockdown on everything around here.

All I can confirm is the death of condemned killer...

The driveway is clear.

It's all over the news.

Yeah, I was listening to it on the car radio.

...law enforcement officer Sam Tiler.

Dad, who's Jack Frost?

Jack Frost was a very bad man, honey, but now he's gone.

-Poof. -Like magic?

Yeah that's right, just like magic.

And is he coming back?

No.

So you don't have to worry about him.

And you made him go away, didn't you, Dad?

Well, I kind of helped, I guess.

My dad's a hero.

No, son, I just happened to be

in the right place at the wrong time.

-I'm not a hero. -You are to me.

Me, too.

-Oh, oh, oh. -Oh, come on now.

I'm gonna get all mushy and I got a job to go to.

But I made you special.

[Chuckles]

Oh, yum, Ryan, that looks great.

Uh, look, I think I'm gonna save this for lunch.

Okay? I'll put it in a baggie...

-Coward. -...and I'll have it for lunch.

Okay?

Take some more.

Thanks. Fill it up.

-Sam? -What?

I'm gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.

Come on, fill it up.

Dad, can I build a snowman for the competition today?

Oh, sure, how else you gonna win first prize?

But I want you all wrapped up, okay?

And the tree trimming is at 5:00 sharp.

-How could we forget? -Yeah.

No, no, no, no! No! [Laughing]

You're toast, Mr. Snowman.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, hey, no looking till Saturday.

-You know the rules. -Come on, Dad.

No, not until Saturday. You're gonna jinx us.

Woman: Look at this over here.

Way to go!

Hey Sam!

Oh, oh, Alex come here for a second.

Man: What do you want?

Morning, Jake.

I see you couldn't get to that porch railing

while we were away.

No, I didn't get to it. I'll do it.

Sure, by New Year's?

-Yeah, I said I'll do it. -Great. Great.

Hey, hey, hey.

-Hi, Jill. -Hi, Mr. Tiler.

I'm making angel wings.

Oh, that's beautiful, Sally.

Sally, you want to help me with this?

You know, when I was a little girl,

I always wanted to be the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Good.

You want to help me tie this now'?

Sure, honey.

How's it going there, Billy?

It's going.

I see your dad's got his snowman all covered up, big secret.

I guess.

Well, he may win for the 5th year in a row, right?

That's a pretty big deal.

Whatever.

Well, nice talking to you, Billy.

Working hard, Tommy?

Hey there Mr. T., how you doing'?

Everybody, the law is back in town.

So Mr. T., what do you think?

It's a snow babe.

I'm gonna call her Cindy Snowflake.

-I think it's very cool, Tommy. -All right.

Hey, wait a second.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Okay, Tommy. No, really, what's the difference?

I'll see ya, Tommy.

It's snowballs.

Get it Mr. T.? Snowballs.

[Horn honks]

Howdy, Bob.

♪♪

Morning, Paul. I saw your Tommy.

Keeping out of trouble, I hope.

As ever.

I heard about, uh, Jack Frost.

End of an era.

End of a nightmare.

I'll find a way!

Sam, you okay? Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm great. I'm great, Paul.

So you, uh, dig out your driveway this morning?

[Both chuckle]

Up at 6:00 AM.

Okay, all right, you come in the store,

I'll give you 20% off because I think you're about

the best law enforcement officer we ever had around these parts.

All right?Maybe next season, Paul.

Okay. Hold on, you know what the difference is

between a snowman and a snow--I heard this one, Paul.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, Tommy!

Good morning, Tommy.

Oh, hi, Jill.

Whatcha making, Tommy?

Oh, this? Um, uh, nothing.

Just, uh... I mean, it's not supposed to be you.

So, uh, you want to meet up later?

[Sighs] Later?

Um, actually, you know... kind of busy.

Busy -- I'm doing a lot of things.

I don't know if I can make it over.

We can go snowballing.

Tommy, we got salt, ice, you know.

Deliveries. Come on.

♪♪

Ryan: But, Daddy, I made those oats special for you.

Ah...

[Hair dryer whirring]

[Whistling]

Morning, Marla.

Where is everybody?

Well, good morning to you, too, Sam.

And how are you on this fine morning?

How was your weekend skiing?

Well, Marla, you know I don't like to ski myself,

but Ryan and Anne told me that they had a really gnarly time.

What's the matter, somebody die?

[Chair creaking]

Shit, Sam, we ain't had a killing

in the county all our lives.

I knew Old Man Harper ever since I learned

how to steal apples from his orchard.

We all did, Chris, we all did.

So what do you got?

Nothing.

What do you mean nothing? You got to have something.

Look about, Sam. We got no vehicle tracks.

No footprints in the snow.

I got no sign of a struggle

or attempt to break into the house.

No blood.

Nothing. Nothing.

All right, I don't want this thing spreading

any more than it needs to.

The whole town will go crazy.

Why don't you get Doc Peters?

Take your foot off the chair.

Get Doc Peters on the phone, tell him to come up here.

Yeah.

Why don't you go down to Donna's motel,

the gas station, liquor store,

ask them if anybody passed through last night.

Tell them a feed store was robbed or something.

Feed store, right.

Sam, what are you gonna be doing?

I got to make sure of something.

Marla, put me through to the FBI will ya?

Will you get me some apples?

[Laughs]

Show me two hours, no injuries, natural obstacles.

Woman: I have a sheriff from Snowmonton County

on the phone for you asking about Jack Frost.

Put him through.

This is Agent Manners. Who am I speaking to?

Uh, Sam Tiler, Snowmonton County Sheriff's Department.

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions

about the Jack Frost accident.

Well, I'm afraid that most information concerning

the incident is confidential, but I'll help you if I can.

Well, we had a killing down here last night,

and I need to know that Jack Frost is really dead.

Oh, yeah, Sheriff, Jack Frost did indeed die

in the accident, that I can assure you.

Anything else I can help you with?

-No, thank you very much. -Not a problem.

Good luck with your investigation.

Thank you.

[Sighs]

It's over.

It's started.

It wasn't meant to happen like this.

So you keep saying.

We hadn't even tested the acid on an amoeba.

Let alone a human cell.

This is a disaster.

Disaster?

You got to learn to look on the bright side of things.

-The bright side? -Sure.

At least you know it works.

It's just a shame that your guinea pig

had to be a homicidal maniac like Jack Frost.

Who I now have to put back...

in the test tube.

♪♪

[Sighs]

Well, there are no lesions in the muscles of the neck.

No tears.

Now, there is a fractured cervical vertebrae one and two.

So I'm guessing that his head was snapped back

with alarming force...

[Makes cracking sound]

but just the once.

Also notice that there's no bruising in the face.

So I would say something soft was held in place

to disperse the pressure.

Like, a -- a mitten or a -- a large glove.

That's all we need around here -- the catcher mitt killer.

Yeah.

You think he's gonna strike again?

I don't know, Doc, but I'll be bolting my door tonight.

I'll be tracking my dresser in front of mine, Sam.

[Scraping]

♪♪

Look, I made special.

Honey, I just cleaned up after your special oats.

But these are extra special.

They're very...

Not as special as that snowman

that you made outside.

I didn't make a snowman.

Oh, well, someone built it.

But it's not finished.

Needs a face, so I thought that maybe you could go outside

and finish that up for...

I'll just spray down the kitchen.

[Door opens, closes]

[All clamoring]

[Door opens, slams]

Sam, what's going on?

What the hell are you going to do about this?

All right, hold it, hold it, hold it.

I tried to calm them down, I tried.

There's no need to panic.

What the hell are you talking about, Sam?

Old Man Harper's dead.That's right, Old Man Harper

has been killed and we don't have a lead.

But you guys running around here like a a bunch of vigilantes

isn't going to make my job any easier.

Right.

Now I suggest you men go home to your families.

Jesus, you think this psycho drifter's gonna

snub out some other poor son of a bitch, don't ya?

Did I say that? Did I say that?

Look, Old Man Harper lived way out here,

five miles outside of town.

What does that mean?

We all live on the outskirts of town.

Right, and so do we, and we're not scared.

Now, whoever did this is already a 100 miles away from here.

Yeah, Sam, well, that may be, but I'll tell ya what.

I'm going to keep my store open all hours,

anybody wants to buy extra ammo, huh?

20% discount for an emergency.

Come on, come on.

I got shotgun shells, I got...

It's gonna be a gall-dang turkey shoot.

Oh, hell, Sam, it's quicker than a jury.

[Tires squealing]

[Engine revving]

So you reckon you're about ready to step out

to lunch with me then?

Do I look ready?

Sure do to me.

Ah, luckily for you, Joe, the power

to cloud men's minds is a responsibility

I take very seriously.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, move it. I said, move it.

Or are you deaf as well as butt ugly?

You're standing in the middle of a black ice

sled run, snot for brains.

But this is my dad's front lawn.

Look, are you gonna move, or am I gonna have to kick

your stomach out of the top of your head again?

[Sighs]

I hope he breaks his face.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Look, nobody says nothing behind my back.

Killer snowman, is it yours?

Yes.

No!

Oh, yes. [Cackles]

♪♪

I think the black ice sled run is officially open.

And all the king's horses and all the king's men

couldn't give a rat's ass about Tiler's little snowman.

Ha!

[Grunts]

Aah!

♪♪

I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

Boy: Holy moly, Ryan killed Billy!

It wasn't me.

♪♪

Okay, um, yeah, she can't make it this year.

She loves me and she loves the show,

but she can't make the party.

Well, that's okay, we have many other horror hosts available

at the next break.

And, um...

Okay, as we all know, anybody sledding in a Christmas movie

has to be decapitated.

That's a rule established by the original

"Silent Night, Deadly Night."

I think the original guy was decapitated

with a ax, right?

But "Jack Frost" takes it one step further

and decapitates the sledder with a sled.

[Laughter]

That opening "happy scary story" with the nasty storyteller

talking to the little girl?

That was writer/director Michael Cooney, a British guy

who was 26 years old when he made this movie.

It was originally gonna be a $30 million movie

directed by Renny Harlin, but when that deal fell through,

Michael Cooney said, "Well, what the hell?

Let's just rent a camera and, you know, shoot it low budget."

And so they went up to Big Bear, up in those mountains

a couple hours east of LA, where a million movies

have been filmed, and it was 1994, and that happened to be

the warmest winter in the history of Big Bear.

No snow. They had to fake all the snow.

They used foam, they used paper,

they used anything they could find.

But Michael Cooney is basically a writer --

he writes and produces TV series --

although he did direct the sequel in 2000,

"Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman."

And the less said about that one, the better.

But he's got a weird résumé.

He also directed many episodes of "Center Stage."

Now, I don't think anybody outside New York City

would know what "Center Stage" is,

but it's just the main announcer for the Yankees, Michael Kay,

interviewing random people on a set that looks like

it was rented that morning at the Ethan Allan Furniture Store,

so...

With a studio audience of, like, 12 people.

So, if I were Michael Cooney,

I don't think I'd be putting that show on my résumé.

Anyway, Michael Cooney does the voice-over

for the scary story told during the titles,

and he also does the voice of the little girl

that the story is being told to.

Jack Frost himself is played by

veteran character actor Scott MacDonald.

In fact, every single actor in this movie

is a character actor.

You should just write the words "veteran character actor"

before every thespian who's working in "Jack Frost."

No stars, just people with 2,000 credits each.

But Scott MacDonald is the king of them all.

He has done everything.

Grew up in Libby, Montana,

he went to Washington State -- Go Cougars!

He's a big Cougars fan.

Ouch, Scott, I saw that UCLA game.

Anyway, he got his master's in acting

at the California Institute of the Arts

in Santa Clarita, California.

Hundreds of LA people have gone there.

And then he did the regional theater thing --

all the best actors do that.

And then his big breakthrough --

And I saw this on opening night.

I don't know what I was doing there.

But he got the lead on Broadway in "The Kentucky Cycle."

Now, he was outstanding.

The play quickly closed 'cause it was one of those things

that's six fucking hours long!

Good grief, you know?

And I thought I was a motivated theatergoer.

It's the story of my people, rednecks in Eastern Kentucky,

and I still thought it was too damn long.

Anyway, Scott MacDonald got noticed for that role,

and since then, he's just been killing it.

He has played six different creatures

and one human on various "Star Trek" shows.

You know, that's versatile.

On stage, he's been both Hamlet and Bullwinkle the Moose.

But in the horror world, this is what he's known for,

and what's really interesting to me is he plays Jack Frost

as a human and Jack Frost as the monster.

Usually that's two different actors.

But he does all the voices, he does all the physical stuff.

Very impressive guy.

Anyhow, at the next break, we'll be joined by several

of my horror host colleagues,

as "Joe Bob's Very Red Christmas" continues.

So roll the film.

♪♪

She's just way too busy this year.

Especially this time of the year.

'Cause, "Nothing personal, Joe Bob."

You know? "I love 'The Last Drive-In.'

Are you upset?

Of course not.

Then let's get ready for the party.

I'm upset.

Don't be upset.

You know, we go back, like, 30 years.

It's okay. She loves you.

All right, let's watch the cool snowman movie.

Yay!

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct conversation]

Woman: You know, he just had a birthday.

Woman #2: Oh, what'd he get?[Speaks indistinctly]

Oh, he won't be needing that, will he?

You're right.

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Sobbing] -Shh, it's okay. It's all right.

Will you please stop telling me to calm down?!

Shut up!

I'm not nuts!

There's one Goddamn psycho in this town,

and it's your kid, Sheriff.Jake, Jake --

That kid is touched by the devil.

Honey, don't!Jake, let's take this somewhere else, come on.

This is okay with me right here.

Look, I am truly sorry about what happened,

but I have to believe my son.

Your son says a snowman pushed my son, Billy.

Do you believe that? Do you believe that?!

Jake, it couldn't have been a fight.

Billy is two feet taller than Ryan.

Woman: Not anymore he ain't.

You haven't heard the last of this.

I-I believe that. I believe that, Jake.

And you watch the way you talk to me.

I'm not above punching an officer of the law if it calls for it.

Why don't you go home and calm down?

We'll talk about this tomorrow.

'Cause I can't talk about it tomorrow.

'Cause I got to look for a place to bury...my son tomorrow.

♪♪

Jill, Sally, we're going home, come on.

♪♪

He's usually not so short-tempered.

-I know, I know. -I'm sorry.

[Horn honks]

♪♪

All right, why don't we all just go on home, all right?

Let's keep Billy in our prayers.

[People murmuring]

♪♪

I didn't do it. The snowman pushed him.

That's all he keeps saying. He must be terrified.

I know, Ryan.

I know.

♪♪

[Humming]

♪♪

[Owl hooting]

[Scraping]

♪♪

♪♪

Frost: You take a good long look at this face,

'cause the next time you see it,

it's gonna tear your world apart!

I'll find a way! I'll find a way!

I'll kill you and your whole --

I thought you destroyed those.

[Sighs] I wish it was that easy.

Sam, he's gone

and he can't come back.

The only place he exists now is in here.

I'm gonna destroy these.

[Bang]

[Clatter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Aah! Oh, Jesus, Sam!

Well, gosh sakes, I could have shot you.

[Chuckles] Well, Sam, hell, everybody knows you couldn't hit

the broadside of a barn with a scatter-gun.

Annie, hi, evening.

Hi, Paul.

Uh, where you want the salt? Garage is all locked up.

The salt?

Why don't you just put it right there.

All right, didn't mean to scare you, Sam.

That's all right, we're just a little jumpy tonight.

-All right? -Oh, okay, all right.

[Sighs] I'll see you in the morning.

-All right. -Thanks for the salt.

-20% off on the salt, too. -I'll see you in the morning.

And I'll give you 20% off of that garbage can.

Paul, thank you for the salt.

Your snow shovel's not looking very good either.

Okay.

♪♪

Don't ya think we ought to put the tree lights on?

♪♪

Your son isn't cold five hours, you want festivities?

-I was only -- -Yeah, well don't.

♪♪

Hey!

And where in God's name do you think you're prowling off

to like some lady of the night?

Our grief isn't good enough for you?

You may not have cared for your little brother --

Jesus, Dad, I loved Billy!

Do not be forsaking the Lord's name in my house, little girl!

The Lord forsook this house long ago.

I'm going to see Tommy.

♪♪

She's only talking back to you because she's upset.

♪♪

Sally, when I want philosophy, I'll turn on Oprah.

Finish my scarf. I'm going to get more wood.

♪♪

I'll make us a pot of tea.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Frost: Say, pal, how about a smoke?

[Chuckles]

♪♪

Who's that?

What's that?

Sam?

Hey, Sam.

Sam, is that you?

You come to make peace?

[Laughs]

♪♪

Oh. Yeah, get it.

Put your back into it.

Come on, come on, you can do it.

That's my boy. Get it, get it, get --

Oh, very good. [Laughs]

♪♪

All right.

All right, come on.

Come on, you Goddamn psycho freak.

I'm ready for you.

♪♪

♪♪

Come out here where I can see you you,

Christ-loathing dog!

♪♪

I'm warning you.

♪♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

Frost: Gosh, I only axedyou for a smoke.

[Laughs]

♪♪

Oh, Jake, if I've asked you once, I've...

♪♪

Oh.

[Humming "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"]

♪♪

[Scraping]

♪ Happy New Year ♪

♪♪

Oh, Jake, that's so sweet of you.

[Scraping]

♪♪

That's funny.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh.

♪♪

[Gasps] Ah!

♪♪

Huh?

♪♪

[Whimpering]

♪♪

Hey!

[Muffled screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Doorknob jiggling]

Oh, sorry folks. Shed was all blocked.

I didn't know where you wanted the salt.

Frost: Ho, ho, ho, and what's your name, little boy?

[Chuckles]

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Mm. Always remember to dress up warm.

[Chuckles]

[Panting]

[Wind whistling]

"I only axedyou for a smoke."

That line is so bad that --

[Phone rings]

I think I have an explanation for it, though.

Got to take this, our guest has been delayed at the airport.

So...

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, same.

I hadn't seen you in a while.

Okay.

Okay. No, absolutely not.

I completely understand.

You've got all that Christmas stuff going on in Chicago.

Texas is hard to get to.

It was always a long shot, so...

Hey! Stay scary, man.

I'll check back in a less hectic time for you.

Arbor Day or something, okay.

Yeah. Okay. Great.

Cool. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, bye.

Well, yeah, you know, horror hosts are busy at Christmas.

They are?

Yeah. Okay, so in the part we just watched,

that was veteran character actor Jack Lindine

as Jake, the dad with an ax shoved down his throat,

and that was veteran character actress Kelly Jean Peters

who was killed with the Christmas tree lights

and used as an ornament

by veteran character actor Scott MacDonald as Jack Frost.

All these are TV people.

If you added up all the TV series represented by the cast

of this movie, you'd probably have a thousand shows.

So, anyway, I love the quirky musical tracks on this movie.

Kind of country music for children

combined with country music for drunks, so...

And the townspeople remind me of a Preston Sturges movie,

you know, something like "The Miracle of Morgan's Creek,"

where everybody in town is an oddball.

Michael Cooney, the director,

is the son of Ray Cooney,

the famous writer of British farces.

And I say "famous." He's not really famous in this country,

but he's famous in places where people laugh at British farces.

So we'll talk about that later.

So can I assume that we're not doing the party?

No! We're doing the party! We're just starting late.

Okay. Did you invite other people?

Yeah, I invited 20, 30...

You know, I invited a lot of people.

Do they know what time?

Yes, they know what time! You know?

Wow. Someone's grumpy tonight.

All right. Just roll the movie.

I'm ready to be pierced by sharp reindeer antlers,

Doesn't that make you happy?I'm thrilled.

Actually, yes, that does make me happy,

so let's get back to the movie, though, about an ice-cold killer

called Jack Frost.

Frosty, man, Frosty.

[Laughter]

Who said that?

Frosty the Dog said that, the Dr Pepper dog said that.

You know how I know that? 'Cause there was always

a Frosty Dog float in the Cotton Bowl Parade.

Dr Pepper was invented in Waco,

but they moved it to here in Dallas,

so that was the home of Frosty Dog,

or Frosty theDog.

We need to look that up and get it straight.

But he would say, "Frosty, man, frosty."

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm okay until you ask me if I'm okay.

Wow. Okay.

[Laughs]

♪♪

Joe: I just came over here to tell

them all how sorry I was about Billy.

Jesus, Sam.All right, Joe.

We're gonna do this thing calmly.

I want you to get the photographer --

For Christ's sake, who the hell would do this?

Well, someone's got to go tell Jill her entire family's dead.

Jesus, she's only 18.

Keep it down, Joe. The whole town's gonna go crazy.

I need for you to keep it together.

We got a job to do. We're gonna do it right.

First, I want you to find Jill, and I want you to get

Doc Peters and bring him up here...

to take a look at Sally.

You don't reckon we should leave her up

for the 12 days of Christmas then?

[Retches]

[Horn honks]

[Dogs barking]

[Wind whistling]

Marla, I want you to call around,

see if you can get a hold of Jill Metzner.

Oh, call the FBI in Denver, too.

Some asshole named Manners.

Who are you?

I'm the asshole. I'll get back to you later.

Well, this is an auspicious start we've gotten off to.

You must be Sheriff Tiler?

-Yeah, Tiler. -I'm Agent Manners.

FBI?

Sure, why not?

And this is Stone.

-Agent Stone. -Sheriff.

Why are you here?

We've got a line on your Abraham Harper.

Old Man Harper, yeah, what about him?

His death matches the MO

of someone we've been tracking for some time now.

Yeah, well we've got two more deaths.

I was just about to try to get you on the phone.

Good. Have the MV's been moved?

Motor vehicles?

Have the murder victims been moved yet?

No, uh...

Jake and Sally Metzner have not been moved yet.

Fine, first take me to the crime scene.

Excuse me, Jake and Sally's place.

If everything checks out as I think it will,

I'll have a task force in here by midnight.

This mean the case is being taken out of my hands?

It was never in them, Sheriff.

[Police radio chatter]

[Door opens]

You were right the first time Sam.

[Door closes]Asshole.

♪♪

Sam: I don't know why you're so interested

in his darn footprint.

Whoever did this obviously came through the back door.

It was locked.

They locked it behind them.

You're obviously not a man of science, Sheriff.

The latest advanced in forensics means

that a footprint can be as accurate as a fingerprint.

♪♪

I'm reading something.

What?

Oh, sweet Jesus, look at this.

This thing is able to latently alter

it's elemental molecular structure.

English, Stone, English.

It can freeze and unfreeze at will.

It melted, came through the doggy door,

and refroze on the inside.

You mean Jack came through the doggy door

and refroze on the inside.

What the hell have you let loose in this town?

♪♪

Now, there should be lacerations to indicate

where the handle of the ax

was twisted from side to side to help it down.

But, no, all the cuts are near vertical.

It forced the handle straight down.

That's immensely powerful.

Did you say "it," Doc?I beg your pardon.

You said "it" instead of "he" or "she."

Well, that's just a figure of speech, Sam.

Who-- Whoever did this is an animal.

Metaphorically.

And I found this back door key inside Jake's pocket.

How many back door keys do you own, Doc?

-Just the one. -Me, too.

So, how did those footprints

walk into a locked back door?

Am I missing something?

Oh, no, nothing at all, Agent Manners.

We're just having some small town gossip here

about some tractor pulls and a barn raising.

Right.

Well, our equipment does in fact support your theory, Sheriff.

The killer locked the door himself after entering.

He --

Sheriff, I'm gonna need you

to arrange a curfew for the rest of the night.

It'll be safer for everyone involved.

Are you gonna tell me what this is about?

I'm afraid it's on a need-to-know basis, Sheriff.

I'll have a task force in here by midnight.

You just keep your townsfolk out of my line of fire

and we'll get along real fine.

Sure.

Now don't pout, Sheriff. You should be grateful.

You've got a madman on the loose in your town,

and I'm gonna take him out for you.

♪♪

-Sam. -What? What's this?

Federally approved curfew regulations and procedures.

-Yeah. -Evening Sam.

I'm afraid I haven't got round to turning the furnace on.

It's a trifle chilly inside.

Let's get it fired up, Father. Is everybody here?

-Pretty much, yeah. -Yeah. You seen Jill?

Uh, no, a few of the kids are still missing.

Well, let's round 'em up all right'?

Come on, Father, I want to keep a close flock tonight.

♪♪

[Applause]

♪♪

Okay, uh, now Father Branagh tells me the heating

will be turned on any minute now.

Okay?

[Applause]

Now, folks, folks, we have a situation.

Man: Way to go, Sam!

All right now, let's just settle down, all right?

That ought to cheer everyone up.

Under the advisement of the local federal officers,

I am going to put the town under a 24-hour curfew.

L-Listen, I'm not gonna -- I'm not gonna arrest you.

If you're just walking down the street,

I'm not gonna waste my time, but this is for your own safety,

so I urge you to follow it.

Paul: Fucker's a snowman!

[Banging]Now, Father Branagh has told me

that he'll keep the church open.

You can sleep down here community style if you want.

That might be a good thing.

I want you to stay off the phones

except in case of an emergency.

All right?

What the heck is going on out there?

It's, uh...

Paul Davrow.

Woman: Paul?

[Murmuring]

Okay.

Fucker's a snowman!

Fucker's a snowman! No, oh, ah!

Paul, what are you talking about?

-No, you don't understand. -Paul.

No. No, she had wires coming out of her.

She had little lights in her --

Paul. Paul, look at me!

-It's a seven-foot tall -- -Paul!

Oh, God.

[Crowd gasps]

Okay.

Well, bravo, Sheriff.

You didn't have to do that.

I hope this isn't a taste of what I can expect

from this town under your direction.

It's nothing, all right? We'll take care of him.

Well, you better. The man's a danger to the public

and a possible hindrance to my operation.

Your what?

You better get your act under control, Sheriff,

or I'll have you replaced.

I would appreciate it if all you people

would get off the streets.

Go darn a quilt or something.

[Scoffs]

What the hell's eating him?

I bet ya it ain't his girlfriend.

You should have punched him out, sir.

[Sighs] Joe, come here.

Get a hold of Paul. Take him somewhere, will ya?

Let him cool off for a while down at the jail.

-Come on, Mr. Davrow. -Come on, Paul.

-Okay, now. -Big nose.

-Okay. -Sharp teeth.

Chris. Yeah.

I want you to go up to Paul's place.

Maybe you can find out what set him off.

Uh, maybe I should help out Joe.

You know, with Paul 'cause he's a big guy

and he might be a little nasty later.

-Chris. -Right, I'm on it.

No, sure, Sam, I'll go check it out.

I'll see what freaked everybody out.

No problem.

It's just a madman on the loose.

Hey, Deputy Chris Pullman captures madman.

♪ Get the madman, be a hero, fa la la la la la la la la ♪

Whoa.

[Music plays on radio]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bubbling]

♪♪

Okay.

Oh, I've heard of stuff happening, thermal updrafts.

♪♪

Aah! Aah!

[Siren wails]

You know, there's a character in the movie

in an orange parka.

Actually, I think the same guy plays six different characters,

all wearing an orange parka.

But he's the guy saying those highly inappropriate things

like, "You don't reckon we should leave her up

for the 12 days of Christmas, do you?"

meaning the head of Mrs. Metzner

on the top of the Christmas tree.

That actor is not even an actor.

It's a guy named Brett Boydstun,

who was transportation coordinator on the film.

Meaning the chief driver.

And I think the weird humor of the movie

and what makes it popular at weed parties in college dorms

is that it's small-town America as filtered

through a British farce sensibility.

How do we know that?

We know that because Michael Cooney,

the writer/director, is the son of Ray Cooney,

the English playwright who wrote "Run for Your Wife,"

one of the longest-running comedies in the history

of the West End theater district in London.

It ran for nine years.

But Ray Cooney has actually written 17 plays

that were produced in the West End.

He got his start as an actor in the Whitehall farces

of the 1950s and '60s.

And we don't have time to go into the Whitehall Farces.

It's a Brit thing.

And does anybody even watch us in the UK?

I know we're on in the UK, but --

I know one guy -- yeah, one guy in Scotland --

At least two.

Two guys in Scotland who watch the show religiously,

but I don't think our penetration

is that amazing in England.

Penetration.

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt all that,

but did anyone else RSVP for the party?

'Cause I'm gonna have to --We're not doing that.

We're not?We're not doing the party.

Okay.

Well, we had a horror host just send his regrets.

He just found out about it like just now,

and he lives too far away to get here.

-He wanted to come to our party? -Yeah, yeah.

Well, there is no party.

Just get the -- get the deer antler stunt set up.

We're gonna -- We're going to that after the third movie.

We'll -- We'll sing a sad song, and then we'll do the stunt,

and that'll be Christmas here.

Why a sad song?

They're not really sad songs.

They're songs about how sad you are, and then you remember

it's Christmas, and somebody gives you five dollars.

What?

I'm -- I'm not in the mood to explain

how Christmas songs work right now.

But just get -- John Brennan will write a --

You know, we'll get him to sing a famous sad Christmas song.

Won't that cost us, like, $20,000?

I don't care if it costs $20,000! You know?

Austin: Yeah, no, no. We'll get, like, a sad cover song.

Hey, John, do you --

John, do you know -- do you know a sad Christmas song

that's in the public domain?

John: "Joy to the World"?

Does anybody besides me see what I'm dealing with here?

Are you listening, John?

The word "joy" in the title of the song

is a dead giveaway that's not a sad song.

Oh, I can make it sad.

We're not gonna make "Joy to the World" sad.

No, that's not what we're doing here, John.

This may be the worst Christmas special

that I've ever done, and I've done quite a few.

Okay. What was I talking about?

I was talking about British farce, all right?

Three people in our audience

want to hear me talk about British farce.

So, anyway, in the '50s and the '60s,

they had these silly, mindless comedies

with mistaken identities and saucy butlers

and people eavesdropping behind windowsills,

and they would play at the Whitehall Theatre in London.

Which is still there, but today it's called Trafalgar Studios.

And the actor-manager of that theater was Brian Rix.

And Brian Rix would produce these plays with titles

like "Dry Rot" and "Simple Spymen"

and "One for the Pot." "One for the Pot" was written

by Michael Cooney's father, Ray Cooney.

And Brian Rix would act in the plays,

and they would be sellouts,

but they were considered low class,

you know, sort of like this show, you know.

And so one of the actors in Brian Rix's plays...

Lord Rix, actually.

They put him in the House of Lords, he was so popular.

But one of the actors in his plays was Ray Cooney,

who then wrote a bunch of hit plays

while Michael Cooney was growing up.

So Michael Cooney grew up in rehearsal rooms

with a lot of British WAGs, as they say.

So he listened to a lot of British wagging

as they produced these shows, and I think that style of dry

but wacky comedy -- meaning ridiculous situations

but understated in the dialogue --

rubbed off on this movie.

Get it? Does that make any sense?

Okay, back to the movie.

Does anybody remember "Run for Your Wife"?

The most famous of Ray Cooney's plays?

It's about a bigamist taxi driver.

He has two families.

But then, he ends up in the hospital,

and so he has to shuffle both families around

and also deal with two different police forces,

leading to a series of absurd situations.

And Ray Cooney himself took the lead

when the play came to Broadway, and of course, it bombed,

it closed really quickly because we don't get that kind of humor.

We just don't fathom it.

And the film adaptation of "Run for Your Wife" in 2013

is considered one of the worst films in British history,

even by the British.

And that's a nation that thought Benny Hill was funny.

So, you know, anyway, if anything about it

resulted in a vicious killer snowman movie,

we like it, right?Yeah.

So what did I spend there --

five minutes discussing the Whitehall farces?

You know who else performed at the Whitehall Theatre?

You totally don't care about this one, right?

But you know who else performed there?

Phyllis Dixey.

Phyllis Dixey.

Anybody know who that is?

The greatest of all British strippers?

You know? They didn't call 'em strippers,

they called 'em "nude studies."

So she was the queen of the nude study girls.

You know? Phyllis Dixey.

Important British pop culture information

that doesn't relate to this movie one diddly squat.

Okay, I'm done.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

[Chuckles] Hey, kids.

Hi.

Ryan, where's your mom?

She went home to get some more blankets.

Did somebody go with her?

I don't know. Is she all right?

Hey, Joe!

[Siren wailing]

[Dryer door closes]

[Vehicle approaches]

[Engine idling]

[Car door opens, closes]

Sam?

Sam?

Is that you?

Deputy?

[Water trickling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

-Oh! -Sam.

I got it. I got it.

♪♪

[Coughs]

♪♪

[Groans]

Ice burst.

Lucky Sam sent me, huh?

Don't you ever creep up on me like that again.

You ought to get these pipes fixed, Mrs. Tiler.

[Chuckles] We ought to fix you, Joe.

[Chuckles]

[Water trickling]

I think we're gonna need a mop on this one.

Manners: And the roadblocks at 4th and Lacy

completely seal off Main Avenue.

You're forgetting the church.

No, Sheriff, the blockade is complete.

No, Father Branagh removed the fence here

from the cemetery last week, so this is all open field now.

All right, thank you very much, Sheriff.

Anything else you care to share with me?

No, not at the moment.

But if I think of something, you'll be the first to know.

[Chuckles]

Joe: After you get that done, though,

you want to get the fittings wrapped.

You can do that yourself.

You take some Teflon tape -- No, you can.

You wrap the male fittings only.

You don't wrap the female fittings.

And you got to make sure and wrap them

as you're looking down clockwise.

You wrap them counterclockwise --

here you go Mrs. Tiler -- then all the tape shreds off.

Also, I noticed that your linoleum's starting to peel

up there from all the water being on down there. You --

Get some caulk and get that back down there real easy.

Silicon caulk is probably better than...

[Engine turns over]

♪♪

♪♪

I don't think they saw us.

Jill, I don't know about this.

I don't think it's such a good idea.

Come on, you want me to have fun don't you?

Or do you want me to sit around and get morbid?

Jill, this is Sheriff Tiler's house.

Exactly.

Are you gonna come or not?

[Clatter]

Jill. Aah!

[Clattering]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't turn on the lights.

I'll get all scared of the dark.

[Sighs]

And then I'll need a really big boy to look after me.

[Chuckles]

Big boy?

You're getting there.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Exhales sharply]

♪♪

Mm.

Mm, mm...

mm, mm.

Mm.

♪♪

If you want me,

I want a roaring log fire

and a bottle of wine.

[Chuckles]

Come and get me when you're ready.

[Sighs]

Yes. If I wasn't any more ready, I'd explode.

[Jazzy Christmas music plays]

[Blow dryer whirring]

♪♪

Oh, shit.

[Sighs]

♪♪

[Sniffs]

[Spits]

Need some ice.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sighs]

Huh?

♪♪

[Hair dryer whirring]

Sheriff Tiler?

Sheriff, it's Tommy Davrow.

Look, uh, I'm n-- I'm not a burglar.

Sheriff?

♪♪

♪♪

Shit.

Shit.

♪♪

♪♪

Who's out there?

I s-- I said, who's out there?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

Who's out there?

♪♪

♪♪

I said, who's out there?

Aah!

[Groans]

Well, it ain't fucking Frosty.

♪♪

You stay back man, all right?

I'm gonna use this thing, all right?

Listen, just stay back.

Just --

[Grunting]

Oh, that's the spot.

Ahh.

What the hell are you?

World's most pissed-off snow cone.

No, no!

Aah! [Groans]

Well, what do you know, armed and dangerous.

Bottom of the ninth, four dead.

Here's the windup and the pitch.

Aah!

Whoo-hoo! It's a long drive.

[Cackles]

[Icicle thuds]

[Heartbeat]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you, Tommy.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Whoosh]

[Water sloshing]

♪♪

♪♪

Tommy, no.

Don't put cold water in.

Oh, it's freezing.

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

No! No! No!

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

Ooh, looks like Christmas came a little early this year.

Well, hope it was good for you, honey.

Oh, I must remember to send flowers.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

Okay, so, normally, I don't like to get down

into the nitty-gritty detail about rape scenes,

but since I've never seen a giant snowman

rape anyone before, and since this is the scene

that launched Shannon Elizabeth's career --

speaking of Waco.

Frosty, man, Frosty.

Shannon is from Waco.

We have so many inside jokes buried within

tangential references that I'm really getting sick of myself.

So, Waco native Shannon Elizabeth

gets offered her very first movie and her agent says,

"No, really, listen to me. Being raped by a giant snowman

will put you on the fast track to superstardom."

And so she does the scene.

But before I talk about that...

[Laughs]

...let's talk about the carrot, all right?

When she gets in the tub,

the carrot is floating on the surface of the water.

As the rape occurs, the snowman has no nose.

When the rape is over, the snowman makes a point

of putting the carrot back on his face.

So did we just see what I think we saw?

Because that's weirdly fetishistic.

But the snowrape would indeed launch Shannon Elizabeth

on a career path that included "American Pie,"

"Scary Movie," one of those "Jay and Silent Bob" movies --

I don't remember which one --

"Dancing with the Stars," before becoming

the world's leading spokesperson

for the fight against rhinoceros poaching.

Yes, that's what I said. And it all started

with a carrot and the world's most pissed-off snow cone.

Okay, let's get back to the movie.

I'm starting to get all melancholy and Christmasy,

and you know what? At the next break --

come on out, John Brennan --

John Brennan and I are gonna sing

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"

and make everybody cry.

Austin: You're not gonna make anybody cry.

We're not -- We're not doing that song.

"White Christmas." We'll sing "White Christmas."

No. Not doing that either.

"Little Drummer Boy." We'll do it like Bing Crosby

did it with David Bowie, all right?

Nope. Nope.

You know, all Christmas songs should be free.

I hate the commercialization of Christmas.

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," we'll sing that.

Can't do it.

Are you telling me people pay royalties to sing

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"?

Fortunately we're gonna impale Darcy later.

So, all right, John, do you have an "Impale Darcy" lyric?

♪ I'm dreaming of an pierced Darcy ♪

All right, I guess not.

♪ Have yourself a Darcy on a skewer ♪

Okay, sorry I asked. Back to the movie.

♪ Darcy's punctured, pa rum pum pum pum ♪

John, shut up.

♪♪

[Beep]

Hey, Bad Manners, this is for you.

-Coffee? -Oh, thanks. Please.

Just to the brim.

You heard from Chris yet?

He was up at Paul Davrow's place.

Not that I know of.

Why don't you see if you can get him on the radio, okay?

I'm worried about him.Okay.

There's a storm moving in over Denver.

They can't get the choppers off the ground.

They'll be taking everyone in by road.

[Laughs]

No way, never happen.

Might be a little late, but they'll be here.

[Chuckling] Oh, no, tell him, Marla.

No way. We're dead center of the Snowmonton Bowl.

It's 20 miles uphill in any direction.

If it's anything like last week, you won't even be able to get

a snowplow across the highway in an hour from now.

You telling me that there's no way to get my men in here?

Duh.

Stone: You can't let him escape.

Well, don't you fret, Agent Stone.

Nothing comes in, nothing gets out.

Ain't that right, Manners?

Yeah, right.

Tell me, Sheriff, what sort of armory do you have here?

Armory?

What kind of weapons are available to us?

We're just a small-town sheriff's office.

I told you conventional weapons will be useless against him.

We need the company.

Watch your mouth.

-What are you two talking about? -Nothing Sheriff.

Stone: I told you the company should have been called in

to handle this whole thing, not some Bureau mercenary.

You want to let me in on this?

Sorry, Sheriff, it's on a need-to-know basis

and you don't.

Oh, yeah, well, I think I might need to know.

[Siren wailing]

Oh, boys, Chris is back. I just heard his car pull up.

We're not finished.

♪♪

[Engine idling]

[Door closes]

♪♪

His car's here.

Where's Chris?

♪♪

Chris?

♪♪

♪♪

Wherever he is, he's soaking wet.

Hey, Sam, isn't this Jake Metzner's old scarf?

Marla, Marla, don't touch that.

What's the problem, Sam? [Laughs]

It's just a scarf.

[Screams]

Mother of God.

Nah, bitch couldn't make it.

Ow! Aah! Ow!

I thought you said conventional weapons

couldn't touch that thing.

Now look what you've gone and done!

Mm-mm!

Shut up! Inside.

Made in America.

[Chuckles]

Get out of the way! What, are ya nuts?

Get out of the way, Stone.

[Grunts]

♪♪

What wa-- What was that?

What's this place made out of?

Got quarter inch steel in the walls and the ceilings,

half-inch plate in the windows.

Let's just hope it's enough.

Enough for what? Tell me.

Sam, Sam, all the outside lines are down.

We need something to fight back with.

What are we fighting?

Look, I just saw something that doesn't belong in this world

and it's out there killing my friends.

Now tell me what it is.

Jack Frost.

No, Jack Frost died.

Jack Frost changed.

He changed?

Who are you people?

And don't give me this FBI bull crap.

Shut up, shut up, shut up! Listen.

What is that?

[Water trickling]

Sounds like water.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

Oh, Lord, the footprint at Jake and Sally's place.

Frost: I'll find a way!

He came back.

All right, stand clear.

Damn it, it's not working.

He's only vulnerable in his elemental state.

English, Stone.

He can only be hurt when he's frozen.

Well, and then he can just stick himself

right back together again, right?

[Distorted] Oh, my God!

[All shouting]

Come on, come on.

Stone: Don't hurt him!

Aah! Oh, hey!

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

-Sam! -Sheriff, come on, move it.

-Don't hurt him! -Shut up!

Ah! Ah! Ah, it's hot.

[Whimpers]

Oops.

Uh-oh.

Sam, come on hurry up.

Heat! We got to heat this place up.

You got to blow this place.

You got any cleaning supplies, aerosol's, something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪♪

Here. We got a lot of them. Here.

What are you doing?

I can't authorize this sort of action.

Nobody asked you to authorize it.

Stop this now.

Agent Manners, your orders are to observe,

restrain, and entrap.

Not question directives.

You see what's out there!

What's out there is my proof.

Yeah, well, fuck that.

Oh! Oh! God!

Get him out of here now.

♪♪

Come on.

♪♪

Come on, come on, hurry up.

Hurry up!

Move it!

[All shouting]

[Coughing]

-Damn, it's locked. -Stand back.

No, don't do that you'll blow the place.

Where's the fucking key?

Oh, heck.

Don't leave without me.

[Coughing]

[Coughing]

♪♪

♪♪

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

[Exhales sharply]

Oh...

Ugh.

Sam! Sam, where are you?!

[Bubbling]

♪♪

Oh, shoot.

♪♪

Come on.

Pick 'em up, pick 'em up.

♪♪

No.

[Grunting]

♪♪

Sam, we can't breathe here!

Argh!

Save me! Help me, help me.

Help me, please. Come on.

I got the key, Paul.

That one, that one, try that one.

-I don't think that's -- -Try it.

-Key! -Paul, that's not it.

That one. That -- That -- That one.

Paul, you're choking me.

That's a good one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.

Let's go, let's go, let's get out of here.

Killer snowmen.

[Both shout]

Hurry, hurry, hurry, he's coming.

[Coughing]

I got it.

-Hurry up, hurry up! -All right, come on.

Come on, women and cowards first.

Come on, go.

Give me his legs, give me his legs.

-I'm sorry, Jack! -Shut up.

Let's go!

Okay, Paul, Paul, need a forklift?

Come on.

-Push! -Come on! Go!

-Push! Push! -Push!

-Pull! Pull! -Push!

-Go! -Push!

[Grunting]

-[Grunting] -Oh!

♪♪

[Coughing]

Come on. Come on.

-Come on, come on. -Run.

-Come on! -[Coughing]

-Come on, shoot it. -Those are not your orders.

I hope somebody remembered to put out the cat.

Jack: Oh, shit!

♪♪

-We got him, we got him. -It's over now.

Sam: I don't know, Paul.

♪♪

I told you I'd take it out for you, and I did.

He's come back before.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, maybe Manley's right. What could have survived that?

Look, ma, I'm a Picasso. Ha ha!

♪♪

-You got to be shitting me. -Come on! Run!

[All clamoring]

I'll be back when I pull myself together!

[Engines turning over]

[Vehicles departing]

♪♪

Hey, anyone got an aspirin?

[Laughs] Oh, my head.

Your place or mine?

Yours.

Come on.

-What the hell was that, Sam? -It was a Goddamn snowman.

Look, we're all gonna have to fight this thing together.

Man: Tell us what's out there?

Look, I need everybody here to work with me on this, all right.

I need you to stay calm.

I need you to trust these people.

Why in the hell should we trust these guys?

Because we might just be your only hope.

That's right.

S-Sam, Sam, wait, wait.

[Engine turns over]

Stone: They're gonna send in some kind of snowmobile,

two hours at most.

Too late, now cut the crap.

I want to know who the hell you are.

Let's just say we're in damage control.

You I don't care about.

I want to know where you fit in.

Listen to me! We're in this together.

And that thing has got to be destroyed.

What exactly are we up against?

Not even the Secretary of Defense knows what I'm doing.

Christ.

Aah!

Thank you.No problem.

Do something.

Like what? Teach him how to shoot better?

Welcome to the team, Doc.

Now talk to me.

Jack Frost was an accident.

It was meant to be next-level genetic research.

To ensure the survival of our race through a global holocaust,

I created an acid that would bond a human chromosome helix

with an inert material

so that we could be resurrected in our future.

But something happened in the accident.

The snow didn't just store Jack Frost's DNA.

It's taken on his personality.

Exactly. You know what that means?

Yeah. It means he's killing my friends.

No, Sheriff.

It means that the soul exists.

And it's not just some esoteric spiritual entity

or even a vague electrical force.

The soul is a chemical.

You're insane.

This isn't what we could be talking about right now.

Frost's manifestation is my proof.

It's invaluable, we cannot destroy it.

Don't you get it?

Jack Frost came back here to get at me.

And he's gonna kill anybody who gets in his path.

If we don't destroy him, he's gonna kill every last one of us.

♪♪

I have no idea how to stop it.

♪♪

We have to contain it. How?

We have to put him in an absolutely watertight container,

otherwise he's gonna leak out. We can't risk that.

But to destroy it --

What do you want us to do, Stone?

Wait till spring and see if he melts?

Wait a minute, what about the furnace down in the basement?

Surely that's hot enough to destroy him.

Well, we tried blowing him up. It just pissed him off.

I-I suppose it's possible

that the sustained heat could agitate

the molecules sufficiently to destroy the helix.

Fine, fine, but how the hell do we lure him down there?

We don't lure him.

We force him.

"He's chillin' and killin'."

That was the tag line on the poster.

And I don't want to presume to understand the science

going on in this movie, but I think Jack Frost

can only kill when he's frozen,

and you can only kill him when he's frozen.

Stephen Mendel, the actor playing Manners,

the FBI agent -- Bad Manners, as somebody calls him --

veteran character actor.

You've seen him in a hundred things but you don't remember

him because he's a chameleon, he's totally unrecognizable

from one role to the next.

He plays good guys, bad guys, scientists, doctors, lawyers,

judges, sometimes wears a beard, sometimes wears a mustache,

wears a lot of hairpieces, different kinds of eyeglasses.

And he always sounds different.

He's a master of accents and dialects.

So he's in big demand for animation.

He does a lot of voice work for video games, audiobooks,

radio, TV commercials.

He's a singer, he plays guitar.

He studies an obscure martial art called Aiki Jujitsu.

He teaches scuba diving.

I was learning all this stuff about him and I was thinking,

"Man, this guy is so accomplished,

he makes us all look lazy,"

and then I found the ultimate résumé item --

"Sings Celtic music in pubs."

Are you kidding me?

Stephen Mendel, Agent Manners.

So speaking of singing in pubs,

I think we came up with one worthy of a beer joint,

if not a pub.

But, you know, I wanted a grim song,

like that "Merry, Merry Christmas" song

that Bonnie Tyler does, but these cheap wimps,

they don't want to spring for it, so...

See, I told you guys, the whole horror community

Christmas party thing was not gonna work.

You know, number of horror hosts so far

who say they want to come to the party -- one.

You know, where was he from?

Austin: Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Yeah, okay, so, number of horror hosts

showing up for the party -- zero!

Okay, let's do the song.

John Brennan, ladies and gentlemen,

our production coordinator who, ever since he helped us out

with "Hey, Travis Crabtree" back when we played

"Legend of Boggy Creek," he's been burning it up

with a series of 45s.

John, you're the only guy I know who releases his music on 45s.

But the punk version of "The Drive-In Oath,"

that's John.

The prom song at the end of the series last season,

that was John.

Okay, now, John, I asked you

to get really, really sentimental, self-pitying,

and sad.

But from within me. You know?

And you tried to do a "Joy to the World" cover.

So I know this is not in the dead center

of your comfort zone, so -- but together,

by sort of like getting -- getting sadder

than you've ever been a single moment in your life, John,

we got to a point where we came up with a sort of

crying-in-your beer, you know, Hank Williams-type, lonely...

Not Hank Williams Jr., but you know,

the one and only Hank Williams.

I told him I wanted a song like "Long Gone Lonesome Blues."

And he did it just in time for the stunning conclusion of...

"Jack Frost."

Okay, John, tune it up

while I stall for time here a little bit.

This "Jack Frost" is not to be confused

with the 1998 "Jack Frost"

starring Michael Keaton as a snowman

who is inhabited by the spirit of a dead musician

who comes back on Christmas to bond with his young son.

Puke-a-rama. No!

This is the rapist serial killer "Jack Frost,"

the "Jack Frost" that God intended.

And I still can't get over that thing about Agent Manners

singing Celtic music in pubs.

What language is that? Gaelic or something.

And then he goes home and does some aiki-iki-jutsu.

Kung Fu is not good enough for him.

I actually looked up Aiki Jujitsu

when I was researching this movie,

and it's so complicated,

you can't even pronounce the moves that they make.

But I found this one quote that sums it up.

It says, "The secret of Aiki" -- that's another name for it --

"The secret of Aiki is to overpower the opponent mentally

at a glance and to win without fighting."

Which sounds like you just go around staring people down

and they drop to their knees and beg for mercy.

So I'm gonna guess that that would not work

in a Texas beer joint.

See, some of this Japanese stuff,

they assume that your opponent is,

number one, intelligent and, number two, paying attention.

That doesn't work if he's on PCP

and he just came from a tractor pull.

So, they don't have that possibility

in the Aiki Jujitsu handbook.

All right. Are you ready, John?

Ready.

This is a little tune called "Lonely Red Christmas."

♪♪

♪ I don't need no tinsel ♪

♪ You can keep that Christmas tree ♪

♪ The night is so damn silent ♪

♪ Except for all the screams ♪

♪ The only snow I'm seeing ♪

♪ Is the static on TV ♪

♪ 'Cause this year, it's the VCR and me ♪

♪♪

♪ I'm settling in ♪

♪ For a lonely red Christmas ♪

♪ The only color that makes me whole ♪

♪♪

♪ It's another red Christmas ♪

♪ And I'm all alone ♪

♪ The only yule I've ever known ♪

♪♪

♪ See those shadows dancing ♪

♪ My only company ♪

♪ The movie credits roll now ♪

♪ As I drift off to sleep ♪

♪ The only sound I'm hearing ♪

♪ Is a cricket symphony ♪

♪ This year, it's the VCR and me ♪

♪♪

♪ I'm settling in ♪

♪ For a lonely red Christmas ♪

♪ A lonely red Christmas ♪

♪ The only color that makes me whole ♪

♪♪

♪ It's another red Christmas ♪

♪ And I'm all alone ♪

♪ The only yule I'll ever know ♪

♪♪

♪ Next year might be different ♪

♪♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪♪

♪♪

What if he doesn't show?

Jack was never one to miss a party.

♪♪

You know, I remember a night like this back in '79.

There were three of us holed up --

Shh, shh, shh.What?

You feel that?

Feel what? I don't feel anything.

You don't feel that?

A stampede of buffalo coming over the hill?

[Rumbling]

What the hell is that?

♪♪

I think Jack's about to make an entrance.

[All screaming]

Frost: Whoa! Oh, wa-ho!

-Hey, Jack! -What?

You left a 7-10 split.

Why you --

Oh, shit.

[Groaning]

Ca-Can't we talk this over?

It's hot, it's hot. Oh, great, another one.

My hair is dry, fellas.

♪♪

[Groaning]

Aah!

Another one down here.

[All shouting]

My face is melting!

My eyes, my nose!

Oh, that was no fair!

No! [Sobs]

[Screams]

No, no, no!

[Shouting]

The flames!

♪♪

We iced him.

[Cheering]

♪♪

Oh, baby.

Is it finished?

Oh, yeah, it's all gone, honey.

Poof, like magic.

I told you the snowman did it.

Oh, listen, I need for you to get to a phone.

We're gonna need some medical help.

I love you, too.

What about me?

No, honey, you're gonna stick with dad, okay.

Fastest blow dryer in the West.

[Both chuckle]

♪♪

♪♪

You know, at least you've still got your records, right?

You know, it's at a time like this

when I think all we can do

is turn our eyes up to the heavens and say...

oh, shit.

[Ice crackling]

♪♪

Blow me.

[Growls]

Frostbite.

Next time, we'll use mistletoe.

[Gasping] Aah!

I need floss.

P-Please, we know it's you, Jack.

Bah humbug.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

-Huh? -I can help you.

Maybe turn you back.

But I'm having so much fun just the way I am.

Wait, wait, wait.

-Then tell me what it's like... -Huh?

...to have breached death, a dream of every man on Earth.

-You're immoral. -Huh.

How does that feel?

Oh, it feels...

cold!

Put it on your head.

It's cold out here.

Listen, I want you to wait in here for just a minute.

I've got to talk to this guy.

Here.

Okay?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Fuck it.

♪♪

[Retches]

♪♪

♪♪

-Ryan! -Dad.

Ryan, open the door.

Quick, quick.

I'm scared, Dad.

♪♪

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Don't eat yellow snow.

Where's the key?

♪♪

Where's he gone?

I don't know.

It's coming in!

Don't let the water touch you.

Come here. Get over here.

Don't let it touch you. Don't touch the water.

Here. [Grunting]

Dad.

♪♪

Come on, come on!

[Engine sputtering]Come on, come on.

I think your engine's flooded.

[Cackles]

Locked.

Oh, what about --

Go on, honey, go!

Hurry, Ryan. That a boy.

It's just you and me, baby. Ah ha ha!

[Grunting]

Come on.

[Screaming]

It's burning. He's burning.

The oatmeal is making him burn.

Buddy, what did -- what did you put in those oats?

Sorry. No, it's a good thing that you did.

I didn't want you to get cold.

Honey, what did you put in the oats?

Antifreeze.

[Laughs]

I'm sorry.[Crashing]

You are so fucking dead.

Just what I was thinking, Jack.

[Horn blaring]

I can see your house from up here!

[Thud]

[Laughing]

Paul, antifreeze, antifreeze, you got any antifreeze?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I just got a load...

Oh, somebody get me the number of that truck.

I want you to get the antifreeze. Okay.

-Put it in the truck. -Right.

I want you to be back here in five minutes.

Five minutes, Paul. Exactly five minutes.

-Okay. All right. -All right?

-What about Ryan? -Ryan, go -- go with Paul.

-Get in the truck, babe. -Five minutes, Paul.

All right.

[Vehicle departs]

Looks like it's just you and me, Jack.

And then there was one.

-Hey, Jack! -What?

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

I don't know.

No balls.

I'll finish this.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Ryan, stay there.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Man: Go away!

Man #2: We're busy! [Giggles]

Woman: [Gasps] It's my husband.

Ryan, Ryan, don't move. It'll all be over soon.

Ryan: Okay.

Man #2: Under the bed, in the closet.

Shh! Just hide. Shh!

[Indistinct whispering]

[Frost grunting]

♪♪

[Indistinct voices on TV]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Shouts] -[Gasps]

Those stairs were a killer.

Argh!

♪♪

Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

[Laughs] Shall we dance?

Oh, I feel a hug coming on.

Oh, yeah, you have been the best so far.

Aah!

Listen, I've got a point I'd like to make.

[Cackles] Oh! Quit wriggling, will ya?!

Oh! Wait a sec.

Just a minute, let me see.

Oh, I think it is! I think I got some flesh!

[Groans] [Cackles]

Oh, yeah!

Oh, looks like I got right to the heart of the matter!

Ah! It's a gusher!

[Laughing]

You're not gonna get my family.

Oh, going, going...

gone.

I'm really looking forward to your wife, dead man.

[Gasps]

[Horn blaring]Huh?

♪♪

It's the cavalry, asshole.

[Shouts]

Piece of shit!

[Screaming]

No!

Sam!

[Indistinct shouting]

♪♪

♪♪

Come on, honey! Come on, honey!

Come on, baby! Come on!

[Shouts]

Go! Come on!

Ryan: Get him! Get him, Dad!

Come on, go! Quick, go! Go!

Come on, Dad!

♪♪

[Panting]

Poof. All gone.

-Yes. -Oh, bravo, praise be to God.

Praise be to God.

Dad, you forgot this arm.

No, Ryan!

-Help! -Get off him!

-[Screams] -Come on!

♪♪

[Frost screaming]

♪♪

Yeah. Oh.

♪♪

[Chuckles]

♪♪

♪ All is calm ♪

Branagh: May no one break the seal of holy Earth

by which we now inter this evil

on consecrated ground.

♪ Round yon virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

Anne: Looks like the calvary has finally arrived.

♪ Holy infant, so tender and mild ♪

Paul: So what do we tell the FBI, Sam?

Tell them...

it's too late.

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep ♪

♪ In heavenly peace ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Did you notice all the little insider jokes in the credits?

It's great that they kept their sense of humor,

because it was what they call a "troubled" project.

Made in 1993 and 1994, but it didn't come out until 1997.

It was 18-day shoot, and it didn't snow up there

on Big Bear Lake a single day.

The cavalry there at the end,

Paul Davrow, the store owner who shows up with the antifreeze,

that actor was F. William Parker,

kind of the ultimate veteran character actor

in a film full of veteran character actors.

Still working today in his late 70s,

and I don't mean the occasional walk-on guest role.

The man does dinner theater in Kansas.

And by the way, that big stunt at the end,

the biggest stunt in the movie, where the sheriff jumps

on the snowman, and they fly through the window

and land in the bed of the pickup truck --

one take for that.

Stone, the CIA guy, that's Rob LaBelle.

He has a hundred credits.

And of course, the star of the movie --

here's the great irony --

Christopher Allport as Sam the Sheriff.

He was in his early 40s when they made the movie.

He'd been in dozens of movies at that point,

usually in supporting roles, but the ironic part

is that 10 years after this movie came out,

he would be killed...by snow.

He was skiing at the Mountain High ski resort

in the San Gabriel Mountains, the same mountains

where this movie was filmed, and he and two other people

died in an avalanche.

So...sorry to end on a downer.

But on that note,

I think we can move on to our final movie

of the "Joe Bob's Red Christmas" triple feature,

"Silent Night, Deadly Night 2."

And I'll explain why it's 2 and not the original in a minute,

but not before Darcy the Mail Girl joins us.

Thanks, Darcy, for taking time --

Oh, my God. You are a snowman.

No, you're not. You're a snow-- Oh!

I'm a man. You're a snowtran.

There you go.

Thanks for taking time out of what I'm sure is

intense preparation and rehearsal

for the moment later tonight when you will be

impaled on reindeer antlers.

You are enjoying this way too much.

I'm loving this, but I'm also loving this new feature

that we're introducing tonight.

Yay!This will be a regular part

of our "Last Drive-In" double-feature season in 2020.

And that is...

The Silver Bolo Award.Yeah?

It's an actual silver bolo tie

that will be given to the winner each and every week.

And what do you have to do to win the silver bolo?

The Silver Bolo is awarded for excellence in horror media.

It's our way of giving recognition to horror blogs,

horror podcasts, YouTube channels, horror sites, whatever

that don't get the recognition that they deserve.

And you're the perfect person to do that

because you read all that stuff, you listen

to the podcasts, you keep up with it.

Well, not all of it. I rely on the mutant family

to let me know who's out there and doing really good work.

Okay, well, before you award the first silver bolo,

I want to point out you're a horror blogger yourself,

'cause you've been publishing Kinky Horror,

kinkyhorror.com,

since how long have you been doing that?

Maybe seven years now?

Okay. As far as I know, you're still the only blog

that reviews horror porn, which was a genre

I didn't know existed until you introduced me to classics

like "The Texas Vibrator Massacre,"

"The Hills Have Thighs"...

-I was supposed to be in that. -"Halloween --"

You were supposed to be in that? Is that what you said?

-Yeah, I really was. -Oh, my God.

"Halloween Triple X," "Wet Dream on Elm Street"...

So good. For real.

...and my personal favorite, "Skanknado."

-Also good. -Who made "Skanknado"?

Steve Matthews.

You know the director of "Skanknado"?!

[Laughs]

Actually, my favorite of all is "Evil Head,"

which I highly recommend."Evil Head"?

Yes. "Evil Dead" parody, shock, but it's amazing, so good.

All right. I mean, that's not the main

thing you do on Kinky Horror. You have everything on there.

Yeah. I started Kinky Horror

because I was an adult performer,

and whenever I'd talk about horror online,

I'd always get comments like, "Yeah, that's cool and all,

but show us your ass."

So I made a site to make sure that people knew it was

separate from all the other stuff.

So it's not just for porn fans.

It's for people who cared about horror,

and if you're also a porn fan, cool,

but it's a place for horror.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can attest

that Darcy has some writing chops.

Aw, thank you.

Okay, we're going on to the silver bolo.

Do we have the actual silver bolo here?

We do.

Yuki. Here.

All right, thanks.

Yeah, okay, good.

Yeah, it's got a Lone Star there on it.

Looks like it's made of actual silver.

Is it made of actual silver, Yuki?

Yuki: It will be!

[Laughs] Yay, thank you, Yuki.

All right, thanks, Yuki.

All righty, so,

the very first ever "Last Drive-In"

Silver Bolo Award goes to...

Dinosaur Dracula!

You talk about that guy all the time -- Dinosaur Dracula.

I love him.

He has a web site that covers vintage action figures,

junk food, roadside attractions,

monsters, horror movies, wrestling -- lots of wrasslin'.

Okay. I love it.

His motto is that he celebrates the sheer joy of trivial things,

and he's been around for a really long time.

He also hosts the Purple Stuff podcast

with Jay from The Sexy Armpit.

The Sexy Armpit? Yes.

That's another pop culture web site.

All right, well, high praise for the very first recipient

of the Silver Bolo.

All right, we are just moments away

from the final movie in our "Red Christmas" trilogy,

and it's good that we're showing this

'cause you can sort of brush up on exactly

what you need to do to emulate the famous Linnea Quigley scene

in "Silent Night, Deadly Night."

I don't need any brushups.

Okay, well, that's a major bra to fill, Linnea Quigley.

She wasn't wearing a bra.

Indeed she was not, but we're headed for trouble here,

I can already tell.

I wish I knew some Christmas jokes.

I actually only know one Christmas joke and it's dirty.

So... Please tell it then.

No, I want to tell you the one about the pig, okay?

Okay.

Man walks into a bar with a pig.

Bartender says, "That's a great-looking pig,

but why does he have a wooden leg?"

And the man says, "Well, let me tell you about this pig.

He's one special pig.

One night, my house was on fire, and this pig dragged

me to safety, saved my life."

And the bartender says, "Wow, that's great.

But why does he have that wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you something else about this pig.

He's very special.

One time, I was out sailing, and the boat capsized,

and the pig swam me to safety, saved my life."

The bartender says, "That's really terrific,

but why the wooden leg?" The man says, "Let me tell you

one more thing about this special pig.

Last week, during an earthquake, my house collapsed,

and my pig pulled me out, saved my life."

So, finally, the bartender says,

"Okay, I get it, it's a special pig.

He saved you from a fire, an earthquake,

and from drowning, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "When you have a pig this special,

you can't eat him all at once."

Wow. That was --

That was bad. Tell the dirty one.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

What?

The balls are just for decoration.

[Laughter]I like that one better.

Should have stopped at the pig, you know.

I like that one.

You goaded me into doing that one.

♪♪