All language subtitles for The Last Drive-in With Joe Bob Briggs S06E02 Jack Frost 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-monkee_track4_[eng]

Okay, well, normally
I don't give away

the programming in advance.

Everything is
supposed to be a surprise on

"The Last Drive-In"
and "Joe Bob's Red Christmas,"

but now that
"Black Christmas" is behind us,

the rest of the evening
is gonna be all about

Christmas cheer and healing
and love and friendship

and...yeah, we do have a few
murders and impalements

and torture scenes coming up,
but other than that...

My point being that I've invited
all the other horror hosts

in America to join
me for a Christmas celebration

here at the end of the year,

and since there aren't as many
of us as there used to be,

I'm especially thrilled

the queen of them all
will be dropping by.

And the most famous
male horror host,

probably because he's been doing
it for 50 years.

How long has he
been on the air, Austin?

More than 50 years, maybe.

Longer than me anyhow,
and that's a long time.

And then we're also bringing in
some contemporary horror hosts

and some local horror hosts,
and we're all gonna kick back

some egg nog and trade
horror host secrets

and bring the drive-in mutants
together in unity.

Aw. That might be the sweetest
speech I've ever heard you make.

I know, right?
What's wrong with me?

[Laughs] Are we
really doing that?

Yes, starting at the very
first break of this next movie,

our main guest will be right
here with me,

and she is very,
very famous.

Oh, my God. A female horror host
who's very famous?

-I wonder who it could be?
-I can't tell you.

Ooh, I'm dyingof suspense.

And then, of course,
we've got the big closer --

when you are brutally impaled
on razor-sharp reindeer antlers.

Oh.
Now they're razor-sharp?

Yeah, well, they may
not be razor-sharp,

they may just be enormous,
like moose antlers or something.

Yuki is finding the most
badass antlers available.

Am I gonna need a special
wardrobe for that?

I think you need
to be nekkid.

I mean, wasn't Linnea Quigley
nekkid in

"Silent Night,
Deadly Night," Austin?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, okay, no --

No, she had shorts on.

-Oh, okay, just half-nekkid.
-Yeah.

Well, we'll have
somebody come in

and advise you
on your wardrobe for that.

Maybe we should have done that
a couple of weeks ago.

Okay, but first we have

a deranged mutant
killer snowman movie.

And not just any psycho
snowman movie,

the best psycho
snowman movie --

actually the only psycho
snowman movie, "Jack Frost."

Yay!

You've been a long-time champion
of "Jack Frost," I know.

Oh, yes,
I love "Jack Frost."

Thank God there are no
Santa Clauses in this movie,

so no need for any Santa hats
on "The Last Drive-In."

I'm not putting on a Santa hat
again this year.

If I can get impaled
by giant antlers,

you can put on
a Santa hat.

We'll talk about
that later.

Right now we're gonna
get nasty with a snowman.

Ooh, I am so down
for that.

"Jack Frost" is the story
of what happens

when a sadistic cannibalistic
serial killer

on his way to
the execution chamber

gets mangled into
a gelatinous mess

when his prison transport
vehicle crashes into a truck

carrying a top-secret
experimental DNA scrambler,

and since it's Christmastime
in Colorado,

it all gets mixed up with
the thick snow on the ground,

and pretty soon we've got
a giant snowman

with revenge on
his mind.

Sure, we've seen it before,
but have we seen it

with cleaning supplies
used as deadly weapons?

I think not.

Let's look at those drive-in
totals and get started here.

We have...

But, unfortunately,
they are snow breasts.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for...

Scott MacDonald as
the scar-faced killer

who turns into the demonic
snowman who says,

"Well, it ain't
fucking Frosty!"

F. William Parker as Paul
the hardware store guy.

Christopher Allport as Sam
the befuddled sheriff.

And Michael Cooney,
the writer/director,

for one of the most original
flicks of the '90s.

Three and a half stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

How come every winter
it's a snowman

and not a snowwoman?

Nobody ever says,
"Hey, let's go outside

and build a snowwoman," right?

Even though, think about it --
ever seen legs on a snowman?

No. Of course not.
Too hard, right?

Snowwoman, it can just be
that she's in a long dress.

Of course, I'm stereotyping.

The snowman could also be
in a long dress.

And, hey, you know what?
Snowtran.

It's not a snowman,
it's a snowtran.

'Cause everything on a
snowperson is ambiguous, right?

So you just sit in your front
yard and you wait for people

to come by and say,
"Hey, great snowman!"

And you say, "How do you know
it's a man? Bigot!"

You know, so, come on,
it'll make the Christmas season

festive, you know.

"It's a snowtran, you ignorant
cisgender doofus, you."

Because that's what we do
in America, right?

We tell one another how
worthless we all are

when we use the English language
to mean the same thing

it's meant for a thousand years.
[Chuckles]

Are we really having
a party tonight?

That is the second time
you've asked me

if we're having
a party tonight.

Yes. I've invited every horror
host in America.

Well, most of them.
I mean, the famous ones.

We invited the famous ones.

We invited at least
three horror hosts.

Oh, my God, it's going
to be so fun!

We have to decorate.

Okay. Yuki!

We got --
Oh, Yuki, no, no, no.

Forget it,
you're way too busy.

We'll do the decorations
ourselves.

No. Work on that, Yuki.

Good work, man.
That's the idea.

You did some measurements
on Darcy, didn't you?

Yes.

All right.
Outstanding.

♪♪

♪♪

Girl: Uncle Henry,
tell me a story.

Man: No, it's late.
Go to bed.

Santa will be here soon.

No, I want a story.
Please!

All right, all right.

You want a happy story,
or you want a scary story?

I want a happy
scary story.

A happy scary story?

-Yeah.
-Fine.

Once upon a time,
there lived a man by the name --

by the name of Jack Frost.

-Jack Frost?
-That's right.

Like in the song, "Jack Frost
nipping at your nose."

[Giggles]

Only this guy
did it for real.

You know how regular folk
get up in the morning,

eat something, then hurry off
to do whatever for the day?

Uh-huh.

Well, Jack would get up,
eat something,

then hurry off
and kill someone.

'Cause that's what he did.
He killed people.

He'd stick knives in their faces
and cut out their tummies.

And stamp on their heads
till their brains got all runny.

Uncle Henry, I don't think
this is such a --

Hey, hey, hey. You wanted
a story, you got a story.

Uh, okay.

But why did he hurt people?

How should I know?

Maybe his mum and dad
never gave him enough hugs.

Maybe they gave him
too many hugs.

Or maybe he just
liked the color red

and things that went squish
when he stuck

sharp points in them.

-Oh.
-It doesn't matter.

The only thing that's important
is that no one could catch him.

Some say that Jack was a ghost,
that he was already dead

and could walk through walls
or vanish into thin air.

-Oh.
-Truth is he never stayed

in one place long enough
to be caught.

-See, Jack was smart.
-Uh-huh.

He'd drift into a town,
blend in,

puree a few of the locals,
then just drift off

to some place else that needed
a little social pruning.

Any towns that had
too many little girls

that looked just like you.

But -- But they did catch him
didn't they Uncle Henry?

Well, for five years,
through 11 states and 38 deaths,

Jack was nimble,
Jack was quick,

Jack gouged eyes
with candlesticks.

He smashed in skulls
with sticks and stones.

Used iron bars
to crush their bones

so he could hide his kills
in tiny places,

and he wouldn't have
to see their faces.

Uncle Henry --

That is until the pies.

Pies?

Yeah, little bits of people
started turning up

in Mrs. Puddles'
pecan pies all over the Midwest.

[Gasps]

Fingertips,
eyelids, earlobes.

Mm-hmm, some say that
Jack had got sloppy

or that deep down
he really wanted to be caught.

Others said that it made
the pies taste better.

-Eww.
-Bottom line --

Jack had made
his first mistake.

Authorities
knew where he worked.

Within a week,
they traced his car.

Then it was just a matter
of time before he was caught,

tried,
and sentenced to die.

Oh.

In fact, right this
very moment,

Jack is being taken
to his place of execution.

His story should end
at midnight.

But the fun's
just about to begin.

So why don't you go to bed

and have sweet,
sweet dreams.

[Whimpers]

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

♪♪

♪♪

Tell you something --
that murdering bastard

Jack Frost in here
is one lucky son of a bitch.

Lucky? He's being executed
in 30 minutes.

Yeah, well, at least
he doesn't have to drive

back through this crap.

[Chuckles]

Deep-fried Jack served
at midnight!

[Laughs]

♪♪

[Electricity crackling]

♪♪

Say, pal...

how about a smoke?

[Lighter clicks]

♪♪

Say, Frost, why don't you
shut the hell up?

♪♪

[Inhales deeply]

Ah.

Filtered.

♪♪

Man: Hey, Jack we just crossed
the Snowmonton County line.

Ain't this where
you screwed up?

Screwed up?

Yeah, for years, the FBI
was chasing this

overgrown piece of shit.

Crossed like half
a dozen states.

Then this backwater sheriff
plays hero for five minutes

and takes all the glory.

[Both chuckle]

Ain't how it
happened, Jack?

[Thudding]

Almost got away with it
didn't you?

Harv?

Harv?

Everything okay
back there Harv?

Oh, we're doing fine...

Phew!

...real fine.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

What...
The...

Fuck?

[Tires squealing]

[All scream]

Oh, yeah.

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

[Rumbling]

[Gas hissing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chains jingling]

[Laughs]

Looks like deep-fried Jack's
off the menu for tonight, huh?

Jesus Christ.

♪♪

Now, we can do this
the easy way or we can --

This is gonna hurt.

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chuckles]

[Roaring]

[Screaming]

[Growling]

[Rock music plays on radio]

Honey,
you're miles away.

I'm -- I'm all right.

It's after midnight.

No more stays of execution.

It's over.

No more nightmares
about Jack Frost.

[Chuckles]

[Police radio chatter]

♪♪

♪♪

Hi there.

Engine problems?

Bladder problem.
Ah.

I'm gonna need to see
your license, please.

♪♪

Stay away from
the vehicle, please.

♪♪

Make up your Goddamn mind.

You want to see my license
or do you want me to stay here?

♪♪

It's your move, Sheriff.

♪♪

I want you to stay away
from the vehicle

and lie down
on the ground.

♪♪

♪♪

This one...

you are gonna regret.

♪♪

That's right, Sheriff, you take
a good long look at this face.

'Cause the next time you see it,

it's gonna
tear your world apart.

I'll find a way!

I'll tear your town apart!

I'll kill your family!
I'll kill you!

You're dead!
You hear me?! Dead!

Woman:
Honey, honey? Honey!

Slow down.

What's going on?

Whoa!

Touch my finger, touch my knee.

Thank the Lord it was not me.

Wow, there's an ambulance.

Can we stop, please?I-I don't think so.

Now you just settle down, we'll
be home in about 20 minutes.

There's two squad cars,
an ambulance.

And a partridge
in a pear tree.

That's very nice, Ryan.

Sweetie,
put your seat belt on.

♪♪

What happened here, Officer?
I'm with the local --

Keep it moving, sir.
This is a federal matter.

Okay.

[Police radio chatter]

♪♪

Then it just ran off.
Only it couldn't run.

It was -- It was like
he was trying to...

but he didn't have legs.

Like he was part of the snow.

-What the --
-I'll take it from here.

You the man who witnessed
the incident?

♪♪

Let's you and me
take a little midnight stroll.

♪♪

[Siren wailing distantly]

["Deck the Halls" plays]

Man on radio: Well, I'm afraid
federal authorities

are still holding a lockdown
on everything around here.

All I can confirm is the death
of condemned killer...

The driveway is clear.

It's all over the news.

Yeah, I was listening to it
on the car radio.

...law enforcement officer
Sam Tiler.

Dad, who's Jack Frost?

Jack Frost was a very bad
man, honey, but now he's gone.

-Poof.
-Like magic?

Yeah that's right,
just like magic.

And is he coming back?

No.

So you don't have
to worry about him.

And you made him go away,
didn't you, Dad?

Well, I kind of helped,
I guess.

My dad's a hero.

No, son,
I just happened to be

in the right place
at the wrong time.

-I'm not a hero.
-You are to me.

Me, too.

-Oh, oh, oh.
-Oh, come on now.

I'm gonna get all mushy
and I got a job to go to.

But I made you special.

[Chuckles]

Oh, yum, Ryan,
that looks great.

Uh, look, I think I'm gonna
save this for lunch.

Okay?
I'll put it in a baggie...

-Coward.
-...and I'll have it for lunch.

Okay?

Take some more.

Thanks.
Fill it up.

-Sam?
-What?

I'm gonna be okay,
it's gonna be okay.

Come on, fill it up.

Dad, can I build a snowman
for the competition today?

Oh, sure, how else
you gonna win first prize?

But I want you all
wrapped up, okay?

And the tree trimming
is at 5:00 sharp.

-How could we forget?
-Yeah.

No, no, no, no!
No! [Laughing]

You're toast,
Mr. Snowman.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, hey, no looking
till Saturday.

-You know the rules.
-Come on, Dad.

No, not until Saturday.
You're gonna jinx us.

Woman: Look at this over here.

Way to go!

Hey Sam!

Oh, oh, Alex come here
for a second.

Man:
What do you want?

Morning, Jake.

I see you couldn't get
to that porch railing

while we were away.

No, I didn't get to it.
I'll do it.

Sure, by New Year's?

-Yeah, I said I'll do it.
-Great. Great.

Hey, hey, hey.

-Hi, Jill.
-Hi, Mr. Tiler.

I'm making angel wings.

Oh, that's beautiful, Sally.

Sally, you want
to help me with this?

You know, when I was
a little girl,

I always wanted to be the angel
on top of the Christmas tree.

Good.

You want to help me
tie this now'?

Sure, honey.

How's it going there,
Billy?

It's going.

I see your dad's got his snowman
all covered up, big secret.

I guess.

Well, he may win for the 5th
year in a row, right?

That's a pretty big deal.

Whatever.

Well, nice talking
to you, Billy.

Working hard, Tommy?

Hey there Mr. T.,
how you doing'?

Everybody, the law
is back in town.

So Mr. T.,
what do you think?

It's a snow babe.

I'm gonna call her
Cindy Snowflake.

-I think it's very cool, Tommy.
-All right.

Hey, wait a second.

What's the difference
between snowmen and snowwomen?

Okay, Tommy.
No, really,
what's the difference?

I'll see ya, Tommy.

It's snowballs.

Get it Mr. T.?
Snowballs.

[Horn honks]

Howdy, Bob.

♪♪

Morning, Paul.
I saw your Tommy.

Keeping out of trouble,
I hope.

As ever.

I heard about,
uh, Jack Frost.

End of an era.

End of a nightmare.

I'll find a way!

Sam, you okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm great.
I'm great, Paul.

So you, uh, dig out
your driveway this morning?

[Both chuckle]

Up at 6:00 AM.

Okay, all right,
you come in the store,

I'll give you 20% off
because I think you're about

the best law enforcement officer
we ever had around these parts.

All right?Maybe next season, Paul.

Okay. Hold on, you know
what the difference is

between a snowman and a snow--I heard this one, Paul.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, Tommy!

Good morning, Tommy.

Oh, hi, Jill.

Whatcha making, Tommy?

Oh, this?
Um, uh, nothing.

Just, uh... I mean,
it's not supposed to be you.

So, uh, you want
to meet up later?

[Sighs] Later?

Um, actually, you know...
kind of busy.

Busy --
I'm doing a lot of things.

I don't know if I can
make it over.

We can go snowballing.

Tommy, we got salt,
ice, you know.

Deliveries.
Come on.

♪♪

Ryan: But, Daddy, I made
those oats special for you.

Ah...

[Hair dryer whirring]

[Whistling]

Morning, Marla.

Where is everybody?

Well, good morning to you,
too, Sam.

And how are you
on this fine morning?

How was your weekend skiing?

Well, Marla, you know
I don't like to ski myself,

but Ryan and Anne told me that
they had a really gnarly time.

What's the matter,
somebody die?

[Chair creaking]

Shit, Sam, we ain't
had a killing

in the county
all our lives.

I knew Old Man Harper
ever since I learned

how to steal apples
from his orchard.

We all did, Chris,
we all did.

So what do you got?

Nothing.

What do you mean nothing?
You got to have something.

Look about, Sam.
We got no vehicle tracks.

No footprints
in the snow.

I got no sign
of a struggle

or attempt to break
into the house.

No blood.

Nothing.
Nothing.

All right, I don't want
this thing spreading

any more than it needs to.

The whole town will go crazy.

Why don't you get Doc Peters?

Take your foot off the chair.

Get Doc Peters on the phone,
tell him to come up here.

Yeah.

Why don't you go down
to Donna's motel,

the gas station,
liquor store,

ask them if anybody
passed through last night.

Tell them a feed store
was robbed or something.

Feed store, right.

Sam, what are you
gonna be doing?

I got to make sure
of something.

Marla, put me through
to the FBI will ya?

Will you get
me some apples?

[Laughs]

Show me two hours, no injuries,
natural obstacles.

Woman: I have a sheriff
from Snowmonton County

on the phone for you asking
about Jack Frost.

Put him through.

This is Agent Manners.
Who am I speaking to?

Uh, Sam Tiler, Snowmonton
County Sheriff's Department.

I'd like to ask you a couple
of questions

about the Jack Frost accident.

Well, I'm afraid that most
information concerning

the incident is confidential,
but I'll help you if I can.

Well, we had a killing down
here last night,

and I need to know that
Jack Frost is really dead.

Oh, yeah, Sheriff,
Jack Frost did indeed die

in the accident,
that I can assure you.

Anything else
I can help you with?

-No, thank you very much.
-Not a problem.

Good luck
with your investigation.

Thank you.

[Sighs]

It's over.

It's started.

It wasn't meant
to happen like this.

So you keep saying.

We hadn't even tested
the acid on an amoeba.

Let alone a human cell.

This is a disaster.

Disaster?

You got to learn to look
on the bright side of things.

-The bright side?
-Sure.

At least
you know it works.

It's just a shame
that your guinea pig

had to be a homicidal maniac
like Jack Frost.

Who I now have
to put back...

in the test tube.

♪♪

[Sighs]

Well, there are no lesions
in the muscles of the neck.

No tears.

Now, there is a fractured
cervical vertebrae one and two.

So I'm guessing that his head
was snapped back

with alarming force...

[Makes cracking sound]

but just the once.

Also notice that there's
no bruising in the face.

So I would say something soft
was held in place

to disperse the pressure.

Like, a -- a mitten
or a -- a large glove.

That's all we need around
here -- the catcher mitt killer.

Yeah.

You think he's
gonna strike again?

I don't know, Doc, but I'll be
bolting my door tonight.

I'll be tracking my dresser
in front of mine, Sam.

[Scraping]

♪♪

Look, I made special.

Honey, I just cleaned up
after your special oats.

But these are
extra special.

They're very...

Not as special
as that snowman

that you made outside.

I didn't make a snowman.

Oh, well,
someone built it.

But it's not finished.

Needs a face, so I thought
that maybe you could go outside

and finish that up for...

I'll just spray
down the kitchen.

[Door opens, closes]

[All clamoring]

[Door opens, slams]

Sam, what's going on?

What the hell are you
going to do about this?

All right,
hold it, hold it, hold it.

I tried to calm them down,
I tried.

There's no need to panic.

What the hell are you
talking about, Sam?

Old Man Harper's dead.That's right, Old Man Harper

has been killed
and we don't have a lead.

But you guys running around here
like a a bunch of vigilantes

isn't going to make
my job any easier.

Right.

Now I suggest you men
go home to your families.

Jesus, you think this psycho
drifter's gonna

snub out some other poor
son of a bitch, don't ya?

Did I say that?
Did I say that?

Look, Old Man Harper
lived way out here,

five miles outside of town.

What does that mean?

We all live on
the outskirts of town.

Right, and so do we,
and we're not scared.

Now, whoever did this is already
a 100 miles away from here.

Yeah, Sam, well, that may be,
but I'll tell ya what.

I'm going to keep my store
open all hours,

anybody wants to buy
extra ammo, huh?

20% discount
for an emergency.

Come on, come on.

I got shotgun shells,
I got...

It's gonna be
a gall-dang turkey shoot.

Oh, hell, Sam,
it's quicker than a jury.

[Tires squealing]

[Engine revving]

So you reckon you're about
ready to step out

to lunch with me then?

Do I look ready?

Sure do to me.

Ah, luckily for you, Joe,
the power

to cloud men's minds
is a responsibility

I take very seriously.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, move it.
I said, move it.

Or are you deaf
as well as butt ugly?

You're standing in the middle
of a black ice

sled run, snot for brains.

But this is
my dad's front lawn.

Look, are you gonna move,
or am I gonna have to kick

your stomach out of the top
of your head again?

[Sighs]

I hope he breaks his face.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Look, nobody says
nothing behind my back.

Killer snowman,
is it yours?

Yes.

No!

Oh, yes.
[Cackles]

♪♪

I think the black ice sled run
is officially open.

And all the king's horses
and all the king's men

couldn't give a rat's ass
about Tiler's little snowman.

Ha!

[Grunts]

Aah!

♪♪

I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.

Boy: Holy moly,
Ryan killed Billy!

It wasn't me.

♪♪

Okay, um, yeah, she can't make
it this year.

She loves me and she loves
the show,

but she can't
make the party.

Well, that's okay, we have many
other horror hosts available

at the next break.

And, um...

Okay, as we all know, anybody
sledding in a Christmas movie

has to be decapitated.

That's a rule established
by the original

"Silent Night, Deadly Night."

I think the original guy
was decapitated

with a ax, right?

But "Jack Frost" takes it
one step further

and decapitates the sledder
with a sled.

[Laughter]

That opening "happy scary story"
with the nasty storyteller

talking to the little girl?

That was writer/director
Michael Cooney, a British guy

who was 26 years old when he
made this movie.

It was originally gonna
be a $30 million movie

directed by Renny Harlin,
but when that deal fell through,

Michael Cooney said,
"Well, what the hell?

Let's just rent a camera and,
you know, shoot it low budget."

And so they went up to Big Bear,
up in those mountains

a couple hours east of LA,
where a million movies

have been filmed, and it was
1994, and that happened to be

the warmest winter in
the history of Big Bear.

No snow.
They had to fake all the snow.

They used foam, they used paper,

they used anything
they could find.

But Michael Cooney
is basically a writer --

he writes and produces
TV series --

although he did direct
the sequel in 2000,

"Jack Frost 2: Revenge of
the Mutant Killer Snowman."

And the less said about that
one, the better.

But he's got a weird résumé.

He also directed
many episodes of "Center Stage."

Now, I don't think anybody
outside New York City

would know what
"Center Stage" is,

but it's just the main announcer
for the Yankees, Michael Kay,

interviewing random people on
a set that looks like

it was rented that morning at
the Ethan Allan Furniture Store,

so...

With a studio audience
of, like, 12 people.

So, if I were Michael Cooney,

I don't think I'd be putting
that show on my résumé.

Anyway, Michael Cooney
does the voice-over

for the scary story
told during the titles,

and he also does the voice
of the little girl

that the story is being told to.

Jack Frost himself is played by

veteran character actor
Scott MacDonald.

In fact, every single actor
in this movie

is a character actor.

You should just write the words
"veteran character actor"

before every thespian who's
working in "Jack Frost."

No stars, just people with
2,000 credits each.

But Scott MacDonald is the king
of them all.

He has done everything.

Grew up in Libby, Montana,

he went to Washington State --
Go Cougars!

He's a big Cougars fan.

Ouch, Scott,
I saw that UCLA game.

Anyway, he got his master's
in acting

at the California Institute
of the Arts

in Santa Clarita, California.

Hundreds of LA people
have gone there.

And then he did the regional
theater thing --

all the best actors do that.

And then his big breakthrough --

And I saw this on opening night.

I don't know what
I was doing there.

But he got the lead on Broadway
in "The Kentucky Cycle."

Now, he was outstanding.

The play quickly closed 'cause
it was one of those things

that's six fucking hours long!

Good grief, you know?

And I thought I was
a motivated theatergoer.

It's the story of my people,
rednecks in Eastern Kentucky,

and I still thought it was
too damn long.

Anyway, Scott MacDonald got
noticed for that role,

and since then,
he's just been killing it.

He has played six different
creatures

and one human on various
"Star Trek" shows.

You know, that's versatile.

On stage, he's been both Hamlet
and Bullwinkle the Moose.

But in the horror world,
this is what he's known for,

and what's really interesting
to me is he plays Jack Frost

as a human and Jack Frost
as the monster.

Usually that's two different
actors.

But he does all the voices,
he does all the physical stuff.

Very impressive guy.

Anyhow, at the next break,
we'll be joined by several

of my horror host colleagues,

as "Joe Bob's Very Red
Christmas" continues.

So roll the film.

♪♪

She's just way too busy this
year.

Especially this time
of the year.

'Cause, "Nothing personal,
Joe Bob."

You know?
"I love 'The Last Drive-In.'

Are you upset?

Of course not.

Then let's get ready
for the party.

I'm upset.

Don't be upset.

You know, we go back,
like, 30 years.

It's okay.
She loves you.

All right, let's watch
the cool snowman movie.

Yay!

♪♪

♪♪

[Indistinct conversation]

Woman: You know,
he just had a birthday.

Woman #2: Oh, what'd he get?[Speaks indistinctly]

Oh, he won't be
needing that, will he?

You're right.

♪♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Sobbing]
-Shh, it's okay. It's all right.

Will you please stop
telling me to calm down?!

Shut up!

I'm not nuts!

There's one Goddamn psycho
in this town,

and it's your kid, Sheriff.Jake, Jake --

That kid is touched
by the devil.

Honey, don't!Jake, let's take this
somewhere else, come on.

This is okay with me
right here.

Look, I am truly sorry
about what happened,

but I have
to believe my son.

Your son says a snowman
pushed my son, Billy.

Do you believe that?
Do you believe that?!

Jake, it couldn't
have been a fight.

Billy is two feet taller
than Ryan.

Woman:
Not anymore he ain't.

You haven't heard
the last of this.

I-I believe that.
I believe that, Jake.

And you watch the way
you talk to me.

I'm not above punching
an officer of the law
if it calls for it.

Why don't you go home
and calm down?

We'll talk about
this tomorrow.

'Cause I can't talk
about it tomorrow.

'Cause I got to look for a place
to bury...my son tomorrow.

♪♪

Jill, Sally, we're going home,
come on.

♪♪

He's usually not
so short-tempered.

-I know, I know.
-I'm sorry.

[Horn honks]

♪♪

All right, why don't we all
just go on home, all right?

Let's keep Billy in our prayers.

[People murmuring]

♪♪

I didn't do it.
The snowman pushed him.

That's all he keeps saying.
He must be terrified.

I know, Ryan.

I know.

♪♪

[Humming]

♪♪

[Owl hooting]

[Scraping]

♪♪

♪♪

Frost: You take a good long
look at this face,

'cause the next time
you see it,

it's gonna
tear your world apart!

I'll find a way!
I'll find a way!

I'll kill you
and your whole --

I thought you
destroyed those.

[Sighs]
I wish it was that easy.

Sam, he's gone

and he can't come back.

The only place he exists now
is in here.

I'm gonna destroy these.

[Bang]

[Clatter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Aah!
Oh, Jesus, Sam!

Well, gosh sakes,
I could have shot you.

[Chuckles] Well, Sam, hell,
everybody knows you couldn't hit

the broadside of a barn
with a scatter-gun.

Annie, hi, evening.

Hi, Paul.

Uh, where you want the salt?
Garage is all locked up.

The salt?

Why don't you just put it
right there.

All right, didn't mean
to scare you, Sam.

That's all right, we're just
a little jumpy tonight.

-All right?
-Oh, okay, all right.

[Sighs] I'll see you
in the morning.

-All right.
-Thanks for the salt.

-20% off on the salt, too.
-I'll see you in the morning.

And I'll give you 20%
off of that garbage can.

Paul, thank you
for the salt.

Your snow shovel's not looking
very good either.

Okay.

♪♪

Don't ya think we ought
to put the tree lights on?

♪♪

Your son isn't cold five hours,
you want festivities?

-I was only --
-Yeah, well don't.

♪♪

Hey!

And where in God's name
do you think you're prowling off

to like some lady
of the night?

Our grief isn't good enough
for you?

You may not have cared
for your little brother --

Jesus, Dad,
I loved Billy!

Do not be forsaking the Lord's
name in my house, little girl!

The Lord forsook this house
long ago.

I'm going to see Tommy.

♪♪

She's only talking back to you
because she's upset.

♪♪

Sally, when I want philosophy,
I'll turn on Oprah.

Finish my scarf.
I'm going to get more wood.

♪♪

I'll make us a pot of tea.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Frost: Say, pal,
how about a smoke?

[Chuckles]

♪♪

Who's that?

What's that?

Sam?

Hey, Sam.

Sam, is that you?

You come to make peace?

[Laughs]

♪♪

Oh. Yeah, get it.

Put your back into it.

Come on, come on,
you can do it.

That's my boy.
Get it, get it, get --

Oh, very good.
[Laughs]

♪♪

All right.

All right, come on.

Come on, you Goddamn
psycho freak.

I'm ready for you.

♪♪

♪♪

Come out here where
I can see you you,

Christ-loathing dog!

♪♪

I'm warning you.

♪♪

[Gasps]

♪♪

Frost: Gosh, I only axedyou
for a smoke.

[Laughs]

♪♪

Oh, Jake, if I've asked you
once, I've...

♪♪

Oh.

[Humming "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas"]

♪♪

[Scraping]

♪ Happy New Year ♪

♪♪

Oh, Jake,
that's so sweet of you.

[Scraping]

♪♪

That's funny.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh.

♪♪

[Gasps] Ah!

♪♪

Huh?

♪♪

[Whimpering]

♪♪

Hey!

[Muffled screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Doorknob jiggling]

Oh, sorry folks.
Shed was all blocked.

I didn't know where you wanted
the salt.

Frost: Ho, ho, ho, and what's
your name, little boy?

[Chuckles]

Oh, God.
Oh, my God.

Mm. Always remember
to dress up warm.

[Chuckles]

[Panting]

[Wind whistling]

"I only axedyou for a smoke."

That line is so bad that --

[Phone rings]

I think I have
an explanation for it, though.

Got to take this, our guest has
been delayed at the airport.

So...

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, same.

I hadn't seen you in
a while.

Okay.

Okay. No, absolutely not.

I completely understand.

You've got all that Christmas
stuff going on in Chicago.

Texas is hard to get to.

It was always
a long shot, so...

Hey! Stay scary, man.

I'll check back in a less hectic
time for you.

Arbor Day or something, okay.

Yeah. Okay. Great.

Cool. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, bye.

Well, yeah, you know, horror
hosts are busy at Christmas.

They are?

Yeah. Okay, so in the part
we just watched,

that was veteran character actor
Jack Lindine

as Jake, the dad with an ax
shoved down his throat,

and that was veteran character
actress Kelly Jean Peters

who was killed with
the Christmas tree lights

and used as an ornament

by veteran character actor
Scott MacDonald as Jack Frost.

All these are TV people.

If you added up all the TV
series represented by the cast

of this movie, you'd probably
have a thousand shows.

So, anyway, I love the quirky
musical tracks on this movie.

Kind of country music
for children

combined with country music
for drunks, so...

And the townspeople remind me of
a Preston Sturges movie,

you know, something like
"The Miracle of Morgan's Creek,"

where everybody in town
is an oddball.

Michael Cooney, the director,

is the son of Ray Cooney,

the famous writer
of British farces.

And I say "famous." He's not
really famous in this country,

but he's famous in places where
people laugh at British farces.

So we'll talk about that later.

So can I assume that
we're not doing the party?

No! We're doing the party!
We're just starting late.

Okay. Did you invite
other people?

Yeah, I invited 20, 30...

You know, I invited
a lot of people.

Do they know what time?

Yes, they know what time!
You know?

Wow.
Someone's grumpy tonight.

All right.
Just roll the movie.

I'm ready to be pierced
by sharp reindeer antlers,

Doesn't that make you happy?I'm thrilled.

Actually, yes,
that does make me happy,

so let's get back to the movie,
though, about an ice-cold killer

called Jack Frost.

Frosty, man, Frosty.

[Laughter]

Who said that?

Frosty the Dog said that,
the Dr Pepper dog said that.

You know how I know that?
'Cause there was always

a Frosty Dog float in
the Cotton Bowl Parade.

Dr Pepper was invented
in Waco,

but they moved it
to here in Dallas,

so that was the home
of Frosty Dog,

or Frosty theDog.

We need to look that up
and get it straight.

But he would say,
"Frosty, man, frosty."

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm okay until
you ask me if I'm okay.

Wow. Okay.

[Laughs]

♪♪

Joe: I just came
over here to tell

them all how sorry
I was about Billy.

Jesus, Sam.All right, Joe.

We're gonna do this thing
calmly.

I want you to get
the photographer --

For Christ's sake,
who the hell would do this?

Well, someone's got to go tell
Jill her entire family's dead.

Jesus, she's only 18.

Keep it down, Joe.
The whole town's gonna go crazy.

I need for you
to keep it together.

We got a job to do.
We're gonna do it right.

First, I want you to find
Jill, and I want you to get

Doc Peters
and bring him up here...

to take a look at Sally.

You don't reckon
we should leave her up

for the 12 days
of Christmas then?

[Retches]

[Horn honks]

[Dogs barking]

[Wind whistling]

Marla, I want you
to call around,

see if you can get
a hold of Jill Metzner.

Oh, call the FBI in Denver, too.

Some asshole named Manners.

Who are you?

I'm the asshole.
I'll get back to you later.

Well, this is an auspicious
start we've gotten off to.

You must be
Sheriff Tiler?

-Yeah, Tiler.
-I'm Agent Manners.

FBI?

Sure, why not?

And this is Stone.

-Agent Stone.
-Sheriff.

Why are you here?

We've got a line
on your Abraham Harper.

Old Man Harper,
yeah, what about him?

His death matches the MO

of someone we've been tracking
for some time now.

Yeah, well we've got
two more deaths.

I was just about to try
to get you on the phone.

Good.
Have the MV's been moved?

Motor vehicles?

Have the murder victims
been moved yet?

No, uh...

Jake and Sally Metzner
have not been moved yet.

Fine, first take me
to the crime scene.

Excuse me, Jake
and Sally's place.

If everything checks out
as I think it will,

I'll have a task force
in here by midnight.

This mean the case is being
taken out of my hands?

It was never
in them, Sheriff.

[Police radio chatter]

[Door opens]

You were right
the first time Sam.

[Door closes]Asshole.

♪♪

Sam: I don't know why you're
so interested

in his darn footprint.

Whoever did this obviously
came through the back door.

It was locked.

They locked it behind them.

You're obviously not a man
of science, Sheriff.

The latest advanced
in forensics means

that a footprint can be
as accurate as a fingerprint.

♪♪

I'm reading something.

What?

Oh, sweet Jesus,
look at this.

This thing is able
to latently alter

it's elemental
molecular structure.

English, Stone, English.

It can freeze
and unfreeze at will.

It melted, came through
the doggy door,

and refroze
on the inside.

You mean Jack came through
the doggy door

and refroze on the inside.

What the hell have you
let loose in this town?

♪♪

Now, there should be lacerations
to indicate

where the handle of the ax

was twisted from side
to side to help it down.

But, no, all the cuts
are near vertical.

It forced the handle
straight down.

That's immensely powerful.

Did you say "it," Doc?I beg your pardon.

You said "it" instead
of "he" or "she."

Well, that's just a figure
of speech, Sam.

Who--
Whoever did this is an animal.

Metaphorically.

And I found this back door key
inside Jake's pocket.

How many back door keys
do you own, Doc?

-Just the one.
-Me, too.

So, how did
those footprints

walk into
a locked back door?

Am I missing something?

Oh, no, nothing
at all, Agent Manners.

We're just having some
small town gossip here

about some tractor pulls
and a barn raising.

Right.

Well, our equipment does in fact
support your theory, Sheriff.

The killer locked the door
himself after entering.

He --

Sheriff,
I'm gonna need you

to arrange a curfew
for the rest of the night.

It'll be safer
for everyone involved.

Are you gonna tell me
what this is about?

I'm afraid it's on
a need-to-know basis, Sheriff.

I'll have a task force
in here by midnight.

You just keep your townsfolk
out of my line of fire

and we'll get along real fine.

Sure.

Now don't pout, Sheriff.
You should be grateful.

You've got a madman on
the loose in your town,

and I'm gonna
take him out for you.

♪♪

-Sam.
-What? What's this?

Federally approved curfew
regulations and procedures.

-Yeah.
-Evening Sam.

I'm afraid I haven't got round
to turning the furnace on.

It's a trifle chilly inside.

Let's get it fired up, Father.
Is everybody here?

-Pretty much, yeah.
-Yeah. You seen Jill?

Uh, no, a few of the kids
are still missing.

Well, let's round 'em up
all right'?

Come on, Father, I want to keep
a close flock tonight.

♪♪

[Applause]

♪♪

Okay, uh, now Father Branagh
tells me the heating

will be turned
on any minute now.

Okay?

[Applause]

Now, folks, folks,
we have a situation.

Man: Way to go, Sam!

All right now, let's just
settle down, all right?

That ought to cheer everyone up.

Under the advisement
of the local federal officers,

I am going to put the town
under a 24-hour curfew.

L-Listen, I'm not gonna --
I'm not gonna arrest you.

If you're just walking down
the street,

I'm not gonna waste my time,
but this is for your own safety,

so I urge you to follow it.

Paul:
Fucker's a snowman!

[Banging]Now, Father Branagh has told me

that he'll keep the church open.

You can sleep down here
community style if you want.

That might be a good thing.

I want you to stay off
the phones

except in case of an emergency.

All right?

What the heck is
going on out there?

It's, uh...

Paul Davrow.

Woman: Paul?

[Murmuring]

Okay.

Fucker's a snowman!

Fucker's a snowman!
No, oh, ah!

Paul, what are you
talking about?

-No, you don't understand.
-Paul.

No. No, she had wires
coming out of her.

She had little lights
in her --

Paul.
Paul, look at me!

-It's a seven-foot tall --
-Paul!

Oh, God.

[Crowd gasps]

Okay.

Well, bravo, Sheriff.

You didn't have
to do that.

I hope this isn't a taste
of what I can expect

from this town
under your direction.

It's nothing, all right?
We'll take care of him.

Well, you better.
The man's a danger to the public

and a possible hindrance
to my operation.

Your what?

You better get your act
under control, Sheriff,

or I'll have you replaced.

I would appreciate it
if all you people

would get off the streets.

Go darn a quilt
or something.

[Scoffs]

What the hell's
eating him?

I bet ya it ain't
his girlfriend.

You should have
punched him out, sir.

[Sighs]
Joe, come here.

Get a hold of Paul.
Take him somewhere, will ya?

Let him cool off for a while
down at the jail.

-Come on, Mr. Davrow.
-Come on, Paul.

-Okay, now.
-Big nose.

-Okay.
-Sharp teeth.

Chris.
Yeah.

I want you to go up
to Paul's place.

Maybe you can find out
what set him off.

Uh, maybe I should
help out Joe.

You know, with Paul
'cause he's a big guy

and he might be
a little nasty later.

-Chris.
-Right, I'm on it.

No, sure, Sam,
I'll go check it out.

I'll see what freaked
everybody out.

No problem.

It's just a madman on the loose.

Hey, Deputy Chris Pullman
captures madman.

♪ Get the madman, be a hero,
fa la la la la la la la la ♪

Whoa.

[Music plays on radio]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Bubbling]

♪♪

Okay.

Oh, I've heard of stuff
happening, thermal updrafts.

♪♪

Aah! Aah!

[Siren wails]

You know, there's a character
in the movie

in an orange parka.

Actually, I think the same guy
plays six different characters,

all wearing an orange parka.

But he's the guy saying those
highly inappropriate things

like, "You don't reckon
we should leave her up

for the 12 days of Christmas,
do you?"

meaning the head of Mrs. Metzner

on the top of
the Christmas tree.

That actor is not even an actor.

It's a guy named Brett Boydstun,

who was transportation
coordinator on the film.

Meaning the chief driver.

And I think the weird
humor of the movie

and what makes it popular at
weed parties in college dorms

is that it's small-town America
as filtered

through a British farce
sensibility.

How do we know that?

We know that because
Michael Cooney,

the writer/director,
is the son of Ray Cooney,

the English playwright who wrote
"Run for Your Wife,"

one of the longest-running
comedies in the history

of the West End theater district
in London.

It ran for nine years.

But Ray Cooney has actually
written 17 plays

that were produced
in the West End.

He got his start as an actor
in the Whitehall farces

of the 1950s and '60s.

And we don't have time to go
into the Whitehall Farces.

It's a Brit thing.

And does anybody even watch us
in the UK?

I know we're on in the UK,
but --

I know one guy --
yeah, one guy in Scotland --

At least two.

Two guys in Scotland who watch
the show religiously,

but I don't think
our penetration

is that amazing in England.

Penetration.

Sorry, I didn't mean
to interrupt all that,

but did anyone else RSVP
for the party?

'Cause I'm gonna have to --We're not doing that.

We're not?We're not doing the party.

Okay.

Well, we had a horror host
just send his regrets.

He just found out
about it like just now,

and he lives
too far away to get here.

-He wanted to come to our party?
-Yeah, yeah.

Well, there is no party.

Just get the -- get the deer
antler stunt set up.

We're gonna -- We're going
to that after the third movie.

We'll -- We'll sing a sad song,
and then we'll do the stunt,

and that'll
be Christmas here.

Why a sad song?

They're not really
sad songs.

They're songs about how sad
you are, and then you remember

it's Christmas, and somebody
gives you five dollars.

What?

I'm -- I'm not in
the mood to explain

how Christmas songs
work right now.

But just get -- John Brennan
will write a --

You know, we'll get him to sing
a famous sad Christmas song.

Won't that cost us,
like, $20,000?

I don't care if
it costs $20,000! You know?

Austin: Yeah, no, no. We'll get,
like, a sad cover song.

Hey, John, do you --

John, do you know -- do you know
a sad Christmas song

that's in
the public domain?

John: "Joy to the World"?

Does anybody besides me see
what I'm dealing with here?

Are you listening, John?

The word "joy" in the title
of the song

is a dead giveaway
that's not a sad song.

Oh, I can make it sad.

We're not gonna make
"Joy to the World" sad.

No, that's not what
we're doing here, John.

This may be the worst
Christmas special

that I've ever done,
and I've done quite a few.

Okay.
What was I talking about?

I was talking about British
farce, all right?

Three people in our audience

want to hear me talk about
British farce.

So, anyway,
in the '50s and the '60s,

they had these silly,
mindless comedies

with mistaken identities
and saucy butlers

and people eavesdropping behind
windowsills,

and they would play at
the Whitehall Theatre in London.

Which is still there, but today
it's called Trafalgar Studios.

And the actor-manager of that
theater was Brian Rix.

And Brian Rix would produce
these plays with titles

like "Dry Rot"
and "Simple Spymen"

and "One for the Pot."
"One for the Pot" was written

by Michael Cooney's father,
Ray Cooney.

And Brian Rix would
act in the plays,

and they would be sellouts,

but they were considered
low class,

you know, sort of like this
show, you know.

And so one of the actors
in Brian Rix's plays...

Lord Rix, actually.

They put him in the House of
Lords, he was so popular.

But one of the actors in
his plays was Ray Cooney,

who then wrote a bunch
of hit plays

while Michael Cooney
was growing up.

So Michael Cooney grew up
in rehearsal rooms

with a lot of British WAGs,
as they say.

So he listened to a lot of
British wagging

as they produced these shows,
and I think that style of dry

but wacky comedy -- meaning
ridiculous situations

but understated
in the dialogue --

rubbed off on this movie.

Get it?
Does that make any sense?

Okay, back to the movie.

Does anybody remember
"Run for Your Wife"?

The most famous
of Ray Cooney's plays?

It's about a bigamist
taxi driver.

He has two families.

But then, he ends up
in the hospital,

and so he has to shuffle
both families around

and also deal with two different
police forces,

leading to a series
of absurd situations.

And Ray Cooney himself
took the lead

when the play came to Broadway,
and of course, it bombed,

it closed really quickly because
we don't get that kind of humor.

We just don't fathom it.

And the film adaptation of
"Run for Your Wife" in 2013

is considered one of the worst
films in British history,

even by the British.

And that's a nation that thought
Benny Hill was funny.

So, you know, anyway,
if anything about it

resulted in a vicious
killer snowman movie,

we like it, right?Yeah.

So what did I spend there --

five minutes discussing
the Whitehall farces?

You know who else performed at
the Whitehall Theatre?

You totally don't care about
this one, right?

But you know who else
performed there?

Phyllis Dixey.

Phyllis Dixey.

Anybody know who that is?

The greatest of all British
strippers?

You know? They didn't call 'em
strippers,

they called 'em "nude studies."

So she was the queen of
the nude study girls.

You know?
Phyllis Dixey.

Important British pop culture
information

that doesn't relate to this
movie one diddly squat.

Okay, I'm done.

[Laughter]

♪♪

[Wind whistling]

[Chuckles] Hey, kids.

Hi.

Ryan, where's your mom?

She went home to get
some more blankets.

Did somebody
go with her?

I don't know.
Is she all right?

Hey, Joe!

[Siren wailing]

[Dryer door closes]

[Vehicle approaches]

[Engine idling]

[Car door opens, closes]

Sam?

Sam?

Is that you?

Deputy?

[Water trickling]

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

-Oh!
-Sam.

I got it.
I got it.

♪♪

[Coughs]

♪♪

[Groans]

Ice burst.

Lucky Sam sent me, huh?

Don't you ever creep up
on me like that again.

You ought to get these pipes
fixed, Mrs. Tiler.

[Chuckles]
We ought to fix you, Joe.

[Chuckles]

[Water trickling]

I think we're gonna need
a mop on this one.

Manners: And the roadblocks
at 4th and Lacy

completely seal
off Main Avenue.

You're forgetting
the church.

No, Sheriff, the blockade
is complete.

No, Father Branagh removed
the fence here

from the cemetery last week,
so this is all open field now.

All right, thank you
very much, Sheriff.

Anything else you care
to share with me?

No, not at the moment.

But if I think of something,
you'll be the first to know.

[Chuckles]

Joe: After you get
that done, though,

you want to get
the fittings wrapped.

You can do that yourself.

You take some Teflon tape --
No, you can.

You wrap the male
fittings only.

You don't wrap
the female fittings.

And you got to make sure
and wrap them

as you're looking
down clockwise.

You wrap them
counterclockwise --

here you go Mrs. Tiler --
then all the tape shreds off.

Also, I noticed that
your linoleum's starting to peel

up there from all the water
being on down there. You --

Get some caulk and get
that back down there real easy.

Silicon caulk is probably
better than...

[Engine turns over]

♪♪

♪♪

I don't think
they saw us.

Jill,
I don't know about this.

I don't think it's
such a good idea.

Come on, you want me
to have fun don't you?

Or do you want me to sit around
and get morbid?

Jill, this is
Sheriff Tiler's house.

Exactly.

Are you gonna come
or not?

[Clatter]

Jill. Aah!

[Clattering]

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

Don't turn
on the lights.

I'll get all scared
of the dark.

[Sighs]

And then I'll need a really
big boy to look after me.

[Chuckles]

Big boy?

You're getting there.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Exhales sharply]

♪♪

Mm.

Mm, mm...

mm, mm.

Mm.

♪♪

If you want me,

I want a roaring log fire

and a bottle of wine.

[Chuckles]

Come and get me
when you're ready.

[Sighs]

Yes. If I wasn't any more ready,
I'd explode.

[Jazzy Christmas music plays]

[Blow dryer whirring]

♪♪

Oh, shit.

[Sighs]

♪♪

[Sniffs]

[Spits]

Need some ice.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sighs]

Huh?

♪♪

[Hair dryer whirring]

Sheriff Tiler?

Sheriff, it's Tommy Davrow.

Look, uh, I'm n--
I'm not a burglar.

Sheriff?

♪♪

♪♪

Shit.

Shit.

♪♪

♪♪

Who's out there?

I s--
I said, who's out there?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Door creaks]

♪♪

Who's out there?

♪♪

♪♪

I said, who's out there?

Aah!

[Groans]

Well, it ain't fucking Frosty.

♪♪

You stay back man,
all right?

I'm gonna use
this thing, all right?

Listen, just stay back.

Just --

[Grunting]

Oh, that's the spot.

Ahh.

What the hell are you?

World's most pissed-off
snow cone.

No, no!

Aah!
[Groans]

Well, what do you know,
armed and dangerous.

Bottom of the ninth,
four dead.

Here's the windup
and the pitch.

Aah!

Whoo-hoo!
It's a long drive.

[Cackles]

[Icicle thuds]

[Heartbeat]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you, Tommy.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Whoosh]

[Water sloshing]

♪♪

♪♪

Tommy, no.

Don't put cold water in.

Oh, it's freezing.

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

No! No! No!

[Screaming]

♪♪

[Screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

Ooh, looks like Christmas came
a little early this year.

Well, hope it was good
for you, honey.

Oh, I must remember
to send flowers.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

Okay, so, normally,
I don't like to get down

into the nitty-gritty detail
about rape scenes,

but since I've never seen
a giant snowman

rape anyone before,
and since this is the scene

that launched Shannon
Elizabeth's career --

speaking of Waco.

Frosty, man, Frosty.

Shannon is from Waco.

We have so many inside jokes
buried within

tangential references that I'm
really getting sick of myself.

So, Waco native
Shannon Elizabeth

gets offered her very first
movie and her agent says,

"No, really, listen to me.
Being raped by a giant snowman

will put you on the fast track
to superstardom."

And so she does the scene.

But before I talk
about that...

[Laughs]

...let's talk about the carrot,
all right?

When she gets in the tub,

the carrot is floating on
the surface of the water.

As the rape occurs,
the snowman has no nose.

When the rape is over,
the snowman makes a point

of putting the carrot
back on his face.

So did we just see
what I think we saw?

Because that's weirdly
fetishistic.

But the snowrape would indeed
launch Shannon Elizabeth

on a career path that
included "American Pie,"

"Scary Movie," one of those
"Jay and Silent Bob" movies --

I don't remember which one --

"Dancing with the Stars,"
before becoming

the world's leading
spokesperson

for the fight against
rhinoceros poaching.

Yes, that's what I said.
And it all started

with a carrot and the world's
most pissed-off snow cone.

Okay, let's get back
to the movie.

I'm starting to get all
melancholy and Christmasy,

and you know what?
At the next break --

come on out, John Brennan --

John Brennan and I
are gonna sing

"Have Yourself a Merry
Little Christmas"

and make everybody cry.

Austin: You're not gonna
make anybody cry.

We're not --
We're not doing that song.

"White Christmas."
We'll sing "White Christmas."

No.
Not doing that either.

"Little Drummer Boy."
We'll do it like Bing Crosby

did it with David Bowie,
all right?

Nope.
Nope.

You know, all Christmas songs
should be free.

I hate the commercialization
of Christmas.

"Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer," we'll sing that.

Can't do it.

Are you telling me people
pay royalties to sing

"Grandma Got
Run Over by a Reindeer"?

Fortunately we're gonna
impale Darcy later.

So, all right, John, do you have
an "Impale Darcy" lyric?

♪ I'm dreaming of
an pierced Darcy ♪

All right, I guess not.

♪ Have yourself a Darcy
on a skewer ♪

Okay, sorry I asked.
Back to the movie.

♪ Darcy's punctured,
pa rum pum pum pum ♪

John, shut up.

♪♪

[Beep]

Hey, Bad Manners,
this is for you.

-Coffee?
-Oh, thanks. Please.

Just to the brim.

You heard from Chris yet?

He was up at
Paul Davrow's place.

Not that I know of.

Why don't you see if you can
get him on the radio, okay?

I'm worried about him.Okay.

There's a storm moving
in over Denver.

They can't get the choppers
off the ground.

They'll be taking everyone
in by road.

[Laughs]

No way, never happen.

Might be a little late,
but they'll be here.

[Chuckling]
Oh, no, tell him, Marla.

No way. We're dead center
of the Snowmonton Bowl.

It's 20 miles uphill
in any direction.

If it's anything like last week,
you won't even be able to get

a snowplow across the highway
in an hour from now.

You telling me that there's
no way to get my men in here?

Duh.

Stone: You can't
let him escape.

Well, don't you fret,
Agent Stone.

Nothing comes in,
nothing gets out.

Ain't that right,
Manners?

Yeah, right.

Tell me, Sheriff, what sort of
armory do you have here?

Armory?

What kind of weapons
are available to us?

We're just a small-town
sheriff's office.

I told you conventional weapons
will be useless against him.

We need the company.

Watch your mouth.

-What are you two talking about?
-Nothing Sheriff.

Stone: I told you the company
should have been called in

to handle this whole thing,
not some Bureau mercenary.

You want to let
me in on this?

Sorry, Sheriff, it's on
a need-to-know basis

and you don't.

Oh, yeah, well, I think
I might need to know.

[Siren wailing]

Oh, boys, Chris is back.
I just heard his car pull up.

We're not finished.

♪♪

[Engine idling]

[Door closes]

♪♪

His car's here.

Where's Chris?

♪♪

Chris?

♪♪

♪♪

Wherever he is,
he's soaking wet.

Hey, Sam, isn't this
Jake Metzner's old scarf?

Marla, Marla,
don't touch that.

What's the problem, Sam?
[Laughs]

It's just a scarf.

[Screams]

Mother of God.

Nah, bitch
couldn't make it.

Ow! Aah! Ow!

I thought you said
conventional weapons

couldn't touch that thing.

Now look what you've
gone and done!

Mm-mm!

Shut up! Inside.

Made in America.

[Chuckles]

Get out of the way!
What, are ya nuts?

Get out of the way, Stone.

[Grunts]

♪♪

What wa--
What was that?

What's this place
made out of?

Got quarter inch steel
in the walls and the ceilings,

half-inch plate
in the windows.

Let's just hope
it's enough.

Enough for what?
Tell me.

Sam, Sam, all the outside lines
are down.

We need something
to fight back with.

What are we fighting?

Look, I just saw something that
doesn't belong in this world

and it's out there
killing my friends.

Now tell me what it is.

Jack Frost.

No, Jack Frost died.

Jack Frost changed.

He changed?

Who are you people?

And don't give me
this FBI bull crap.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Listen.

What is that?

[Water trickling]

Sounds like water.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

Oh, Lord, the footprint at Jake
and Sally's place.

Frost: I'll find a way!

He came back.

All right, stand clear.

Damn it,
it's not working.

He's only vulnerable
in his elemental state.

English, Stone.

He can only be hurt
when he's frozen.

Well, and then he can
just stick himself

right back together again,
right?

[Distorted] Oh, my God!

[All shouting]

Come on, come on.

Stone:
Don't hurt him!

Aah! Oh, hey!

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

-Sam!
-Sheriff, come on, move it.

-Don't hurt him!
-Shut up!

Ah! Ah!
Ah, it's hot.

[Whimpers]

Oops.

Uh-oh.

Sam, come on hurry up.

Heat! We got to heat
this place up.

You got to blow
this place.

You got any cleaning supplies,
aerosol's, something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪♪

Here.
We got a lot of them. Here.

What are you doing?

I can't authorize
this sort of action.

Nobody asked you
to authorize it.

Stop this now.

Agent Manners, your orders
are to observe,

restrain, and entrap.

Not question directives.

You see
what's out there!

What's out there
is my proof.

Yeah, well, fuck that.

Oh! Oh! God!

Get him out
of here now.

♪♪

Come on.

♪♪

Come on, come on, hurry up.

Hurry up!

Move it!

[All shouting]

[Coughing]

-Damn, it's locked.
-Stand back.

No, don't do that
you'll blow the place.

Where's the fucking key?

Oh, heck.

Don't leave
without me.

[Coughing]

[Coughing]

♪♪

♪♪

Come on, come on.

Come on,
come on.

[Exhales sharply]

Oh...

Ugh.

Sam!
Sam, where are you?!

[Bubbling]

♪♪

Oh, shoot.

♪♪

Come on.

Pick 'em up, pick 'em up.

♪♪

No.

[Grunting]

♪♪

Sam, we can't
breathe here!

Argh!

Save me!
Help me, help me.

Help me, please.
Come on.

I got the key, Paul.

That one, that one,
try that one.

-I don't think that's --
-Try it.

-Key!
-Paul, that's not it.

That one.
That -- That -- That one.

Paul,
you're choking me.

That's a good one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
come on.

Let's go, let's go,
let's get out of here.

Killer snowmen.

[Both shout]

Hurry, hurry, hurry,
he's coming.

[Coughing]

I got it.

-Hurry up, hurry up!
-All right, come on.

Come on, women
and cowards first.

Come on, go.

Give me his legs,
give me his legs.

-I'm sorry, Jack!
-Shut up.

Let's go!

Okay, Paul, Paul,
need a forklift?

Come on.

-Push!
-Come on! Go!

-Push! Push!
-Push!

-Pull! Pull!
-Push!

-Go!
-Push!

[Grunting]

-[Grunting]
-Oh!

♪♪

[Coughing]

Come on. Come on.

-Come on, come on.
-Run.

-Come on!
-[Coughing]

-Come on, shoot it.
-Those are not your orders.

I hope somebody remembered
to put out the cat.

Jack: Oh, shit!

♪♪

-We got him, we got him.
-It's over now.

Sam: I don't know, Paul.

♪♪

I told you I'd take it out
for you, and I did.

He's come back before.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, maybe Manley's right.
What could have survived that?

Look, ma, I'm a Picasso.
Ha ha!

♪♪

-You got to be shitting me.
-Come on! Run!

[All clamoring]

I'll be back
when I pull myself together!

[Engines turning over]

[Vehicles departing]

♪♪

Hey, anyone got an aspirin?

[Laughs] Oh, my head.

Your place or mine?

Yours.

Come on.

-What the hell was that, Sam?
-It was a Goddamn snowman.

Look, we're all gonna have
to fight this thing together.

Man: Tell us
what's out there?

Look, I need everybody here to
work with me on this, all right.

I need you to stay calm.

I need you to trust
these people.

Why in the hell
should we trust these guys?

Because we might just be
your only hope.

That's right.

S-Sam, Sam,
wait, wait.

[Engine turns over]

Stone: They're gonna send in
some kind of snowmobile,

two hours at most.

Too late,
now cut the crap.

I want to know
who the hell you are.

Let's just say
we're in damage control.

You I don't care about.

I want to know
where you fit in.

Listen to me!
We're in this together.

And that thing has got
to be destroyed.

What exactly
are we up against?

Not even the Secretary
of Defense knows what I'm doing.

Christ.

Aah!

Thank you.No problem.

Do something.

Like what?
Teach him how to shoot better?

Welcome
to the team, Doc.

Now talk to me.

Jack Frost was an accident.

It was meant to be next-level
genetic research.

To ensure the survival of our
race through a global holocaust,

I created an acid that would
bond a human chromosome helix

with an inert material

so that we could be
resurrected in our future.

But something happened
in the accident.

The snow didn't just store
Jack Frost's DNA.

It's taken on
his personality.

Exactly.
You know what that means?

Yeah. It means he's killing
my friends.

No, Sheriff.

It means that
the soul exists.

And it's not just some
esoteric spiritual entity

or even a vague
electrical force.

The soul is a chemical.

You're insane.

This isn't what we could be
talking about right now.

Frost's manifestation
is my proof.

It's invaluable,
we cannot destroy it.

Don't you get it?

Jack Frost came back here
to get at me.

And he's gonna kill anybody
who gets in his path.

If we don't destroy him, he's
gonna kill every last one of us.

♪♪

I have no idea
how to stop it.

♪♪

We have to contain it.
How?

We have to put him in an
absolutely watertight container,

otherwise he's gonna leak out.
We can't risk that.

But to destroy it --

What do you want us
to do, Stone?

Wait till spring and see
if he melts?

Wait a minute, what about the
furnace down in the basement?

Surely that's hot enough
to destroy him.

Well, we tried blowing him up.
It just pissed him off.

I-I suppose it's possible

that the sustained heat
could agitate

the molecules sufficiently
to destroy the helix.

Fine, fine, but how the hell
do we lure him down there?

We don't lure him.

We force him.

"He's chillin' and killin'."

That was the tag line
on the poster.

And I don't want to presume
to understand the science

going on in this movie,
but I think Jack Frost

can only kill when he's frozen,

and you can only kill him
when he's frozen.

Stephen Mendel, the actor
playing Manners,

the FBI agent -- Bad Manners,
as somebody calls him --

veteran character actor.

You've seen him in a hundred
things but you don't remember

him because he's a chameleon,
he's totally unrecognizable

from one role to the next.

He plays good guys, bad guys,
scientists, doctors, lawyers,

judges, sometimes wears a beard,
sometimes wears a mustache,

wears a lot of hairpieces,
different kinds of eyeglasses.

And he always sounds different.

He's a master of
accents and dialects.

So he's in big demand
for animation.

He does a lot of voice work
for video games, audiobooks,

radio, TV commercials.

He's a singer, he plays guitar.

He studies an obscure martial
art called Aiki Jujitsu.

He teaches scuba diving.

I was learning all this stuff
about him and I was thinking,

"Man, this guy is so
accomplished,

he makes us all look lazy,"

and then I found
the ultimate résumé item --

"Sings Celtic music in pubs."

Are you kidding me?

Stephen Mendel, Agent Manners.

So speaking of singing in pubs,

I think we came up with one
worthy of a beer joint,

if not a pub.

But, you know,
I wanted a grim song,

like that
"Merry, Merry Christmas" song

that Bonnie Tyler does,
but these cheap wimps,

they don't want to spring
for it, so...

See, I told you guys,
the whole horror community

Christmas party thing
was not gonna work.

You know, number of horror hosts
so far

who say they want to come
to the party -- one.

You know, where was he from?

Austin: Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Yeah, okay, so,
number of horror hosts

showing up for the party --
zero!

Okay, let's do the song.

John Brennan,
ladies and gentlemen,

our production coordinator
who, ever since he helped us out

with "Hey, Travis Crabtree"
back when we played

"Legend of Boggy Creek,"
he's been burning it up

with a series of 45s.

John, you're the only guy I know
who releases his music on 45s.

But the punk version of
"The Drive-In Oath,"

that's John.

The prom song at the end of
the series last season,

that was John.

Okay, now, John, I asked you

to get really, really
sentimental, self-pitying,

and sad.

But from within me.
You know?

And you tried to do
a "Joy to the World" cover.

So I know this
is not in the dead center

of your comfort zone, so --
but together,

by sort of like getting --
getting sadder

than you've ever been a single
moment in your life, John,

we got to a point where
we came up with a sort of

crying-in-your beer, you know,
Hank Williams-type, lonely...

Not Hank Williams Jr.,
but you know,

the one and only Hank Williams.

I told him I wanted a song like
"Long Gone Lonesome Blues."

And he did it just in time for
the stunning conclusion of...

"Jack Frost."

Okay, John, tune it up

while I stall for time here
a little bit.

This "Jack Frost"
is not to be confused

with the 1998 "Jack Frost"

starring Michael Keaton
as a snowman

who is inhabited by the spirit
of a dead musician

who comes back on Christmas
to bond with his young son.

Puke-a-rama. No!

This is the rapist serial killer
"Jack Frost,"

the "Jack Frost"
that God intended.

And I still can't get over that
thing about Agent Manners

singing Celtic music in pubs.

What language is that?
Gaelic or something.

And then he goes home
and does some aiki-iki-jutsu.

Kung Fu is not good
enough for him.

I actually looked up
Aiki Jujitsu

when I was researching
this movie,

and it's so complicated,

you can't even pronounce
the moves that they make.

But I found this one quote
that sums it up.

It says, "The secret of Aiki" --
that's another name for it --

"The secret of Aiki is to
overpower the opponent mentally

at a glance and to win
without fighting."

Which sounds like you just go
around staring people down

and they drop to their knees
and beg for mercy.

So I'm gonna guess that
that would not work

in a Texas beer joint.

See, some of this
Japanese stuff,

they assume that
your opponent is,

number one, intelligent and,
number two, paying attention.

That doesn't work if he's on PCP

and he just came
from a tractor pull.

So, they don't have
that possibility

in the Aiki Jujitsu handbook.

All right.
Are you ready, John?

Ready.

This is a little tune called
"Lonely Red Christmas."

♪♪

♪ I don't need no tinsel ♪

♪ You can keep
that Christmas tree ♪

♪ The night is so damn silent ♪

♪ Except for all the screams ♪

♪ The only snow I'm seeing ♪

♪ Is the static on TV ♪

♪ 'Cause this year,
it's the VCR and me ♪

♪♪

♪ I'm settling in ♪

♪ For a lonely red Christmas ♪

♪ The only color
that makes me whole ♪

♪♪

♪ It's another red Christmas ♪

♪ And I'm all alone ♪

♪ The only yule
I've ever known ♪

♪♪

♪ See those shadows dancing ♪

♪ My only company ♪

♪ The movie credits roll now ♪

♪ As I drift off to sleep ♪

♪ The only sound I'm hearing ♪

♪ Is a cricket symphony ♪

♪ This year,
it's the VCR and me ♪

♪♪

♪ I'm settling in ♪

♪ For a lonely red Christmas ♪

♪ A lonely red Christmas ♪

♪ The only color
that makes me whole ♪

♪♪

♪ It's another red Christmas ♪

♪ And I'm all alone ♪

♪ The only yule I'll ever know ♪

♪♪

♪ Next year might be different ♪

♪♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪♪

♪♪

What if he doesn't show?

Jack was never one
to miss a party.

♪♪

You know, I remember a night
like this back in '79.

There were three
of us holed up --

Shh, shh, shh.What?

You feel that?

Feel what?
I don't feel anything.

You don't feel that?

A stampede of buffalo
coming over the hill?

[Rumbling]

What the hell is that?

♪♪

I think Jack's about
to make an entrance.

[All screaming]

Frost: Whoa! Oh, wa-ho!

-Hey, Jack!
-What?

You left a 7-10 split.

Why you --

Oh, shit.

[Groaning]

Ca-Can't we talk this over?

It's hot, it's hot.
Oh, great, another one.

My hair is dry, fellas.

♪♪

[Groaning]

Aah!

Another one down here.

[All shouting]

My face is melting!

My eyes, my nose!

Oh, that was no fair!

No!
[Sobs]

[Screams]

No, no, no!

[Shouting]

The flames!

♪♪

We iced him.

[Cheering]

♪♪

Oh, baby.

Is it finished?

Oh, yeah,
it's all gone, honey.

Poof, like magic.

I told you
the snowman did it.

Oh, listen, I need for you
to get to a phone.

We're gonna need
some medical help.

I love you, too.

What about me?

No, honey, you're gonna
stick with dad, okay.

Fastest blow dryer
in the West.

[Both chuckle]

♪♪

♪♪

You know, at least you've
still got your records, right?

You know, it's at a time
like this

when I think
all we can do

is turn our eyes up to
the heavens and say...

oh, shit.

[Ice crackling]

♪♪

Blow me.

[Growls]

Frostbite.

Next time,
we'll use mistletoe.

[Gasping] Aah!

I need floss.

P-Please,
we know it's you, Jack.

Bah humbug.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

-Huh?
-I can help you.

Maybe turn you back.

But I'm having so much fun
just the way I am.

Wait, wait, wait.

-Then tell me what it's like...
-Huh?

...to have breached death,
a dream of every man on Earth.

-You're immoral.
-Huh.

How does that feel?

Oh, it feels...

cold!

Put it on your head.

It's cold out here.

Listen, I want you to wait
in here for just a minute.

I've got to talk
to this guy.

Here.

Okay?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Fuck it.

♪♪

[Retches]

♪♪

♪♪

-Ryan!
-Dad.

Ryan, open the door.

Quick, quick.

I'm scared, Dad.

♪♪

Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Don't eat yellow snow.

Where's the key?

♪♪

Where's he gone?

I don't know.

It's coming in!

Don't let the water
touch you.

Come here.
Get over here.

Don't let it touch you.
Don't touch the water.

Here.
[Grunting]

Dad.

♪♪

Come on, come on!

[Engine sputtering]Come on, come on.

I think
your engine's flooded.

[Cackles]

Locked.

Oh, what about --

Go on, honey, go!

Hurry, Ryan.
That a boy.

It's just you and me, baby.
Ah ha ha!

[Grunting]

Come on.

[Screaming]

It's burning.
He's burning.

The oatmeal
is making him burn.

Buddy, what did -- what did you
put in those oats?

Sorry.
No, it's a good thing
that you did.

I didn't want you
to get cold.

Honey, what did you put
in the oats?

Antifreeze.

[Laughs]

I'm sorry.[Crashing]

You are so fucking dead.

Just what
I was thinking, Jack.

[Horn blaring]

I can see your house
from up here!

[Thud]

[Laughing]

Paul, antifreeze, antifreeze,
you got any antifreeze?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I just got a load...

Oh, somebody get me
the number of that truck.

I want you to get
the antifreeze.
Okay.

-Put it in the truck.
-Right.

I want you to be back here
in five minutes.

Five minutes, Paul.
Exactly five minutes.

-Okay. All right.
-All right?

-What about Ryan?
-Ryan, go -- go with Paul.

-Get in the truck, babe.
-Five minutes, Paul.

All right.

[Vehicle departs]

Looks like it's just you
and me, Jack.

And then there was one.

-Hey, Jack!
-What?

What's the difference
between snowmen and snowwomen?

I don't know.

No balls.

I'll finish this.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Ryan, stay there.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Man: Go away!

Man #2: We're busy!
[Giggles]

Woman: [Gasps]
It's my husband.

Ryan, Ryan, don't move.
It'll all be over soon.

Ryan: Okay.

Man #2: Under the bed,
in the closet.

Shh! Just hide. Shh!

[Indistinct whispering]

[Frost grunting]

♪♪

[Indistinct voices on TV]

♪♪

♪♪

-[Shouts]
-[Gasps]

Those stairs
were a killer.

Argh!

♪♪

Is it cold in here,
or is it just me?

[Laughs]
Shall we dance?

Oh, I feel
a hug coming on.

Oh, yeah, you have been
the best so far.

Aah!

Listen, I've got a point
I'd like to make.

[Cackles]
Oh! Quit wriggling, will ya?!

Oh!
Wait a sec.

Just a minute,
let me see.

Oh, I think it is!
I think I got some flesh!

[Groans]
[Cackles]

Oh, yeah!

Oh, looks like I got right
to the heart of the matter!

Ah! It's a gusher!

[Laughing]

You're not gonna
get my family.

Oh, going, going...

gone.

I'm really looking forward
to your wife, dead man.

[Gasps]

[Horn blaring]Huh?

♪♪

It's the cavalry,
asshole.

[Shouts]

Piece of shit!

[Screaming]

No!

Sam!

[Indistinct shouting]

♪♪

♪♪

Come on, honey!
Come on, honey!

Come on, baby!
Come on!

[Shouts]

Go! Come on!

Ryan: Get him!
Get him, Dad!

Come on, go!
Quick, go! Go!

Come on, Dad!

♪♪

[Panting]

Poof. All gone.

-Yes.
-Oh, bravo, praise be to God.

Praise be to God.

Dad, you forgot this arm.

No, Ryan!

-Help!
-Get off him!

-[Screams]
-Come on!

♪♪

[Frost screaming]

♪♪

Yeah. Oh.

♪♪

[Chuckles]

♪♪

♪ All is calm ♪

Branagh: May no one break
the seal of holy Earth

by which we now inter this evil

on consecrated ground.

♪ Round yon virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

Anne: Looks like the calvary
has finally arrived.

♪ Holy infant,
so tender and mild ♪

Paul: So what do we tell
the FBI, Sam?

Tell them...

it's too late.

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep ♪

♪ In heavenly peace ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Did you notice all the little
insider jokes in the credits?

It's great that
they kept their sense of humor,

because it was what they call
a "troubled" project.

Made in 1993 and 1994, but it
didn't come out until 1997.

It was 18-day shoot,
and it didn't snow up there

on Big Bear Lake a single day.

The cavalry there at the end,

Paul Davrow, the store owner who
shows up with the antifreeze,

that actor was
F. William Parker,

kind of the ultimate veteran
character actor

in a film full of veteran
character actors.

Still working today
in his late 70s,

and I don't mean the occasional
walk-on guest role.

The man does
dinner theater in Kansas.

And by the way,
that big stunt at the end,

the biggest stunt in the movie,
where the sheriff jumps

on the snowman, and they fly
through the window

and land in the bed of
the pickup truck --

one take for that.

Stone, the CIA guy,
that's Rob LaBelle.

He has a hundred credits.

And of course,
the star of the movie --

here's the great irony --

Christopher Allport
as Sam the Sheriff.

He was in his early 40s
when they made the movie.

He'd been in dozens of movies
at that point,

usually in supporting roles,
but the ironic part

is that 10 years
after this movie came out,

he would be killed...by snow.

He was skiing at
the Mountain High ski resort

in the San Gabriel Mountains,
the same mountains

where this movie was filmed,
and he and two other people

died in an avalanche.

So...sorry to end on a downer.

But on that note,

I think we can move on
to our final movie

of the "Joe Bob's Red Christmas"
triple feature,

"Silent Night, Deadly Night 2."

And I'll explain why it's 2 and
not the original in a minute,

but not before Darcy
the Mail Girl joins us.

Thanks, Darcy,
for taking time --

Oh, my God.
You are a snowman.

No, you're not.
You're a snow-- Oh!

I'm a man.
You're a snowtran.

There you go.

Thanks for taking time out
of what I'm sure is

intense preparation
and rehearsal

for the moment later tonight
when you will be

impaled on
reindeer antlers.

You are enjoying this
way too much.

I'm loving this, but I'm also
loving this new feature

that we're
introducing tonight.

Yay!This will be a regular part

of our "Last Drive-In"
double-feature season in 2020.

And that is...

The Silver Bolo Award.Yeah?

It's an actual
silver bolo tie

that will be given to the winner
each and every week.

And what do you have to do
to win the silver bolo?

The Silver Bolo is awarded for
excellence in horror media.

It's our way of giving
recognition to horror blogs,

horror podcasts, YouTube
channels, horror sites, whatever

that don't get the recognition
that they deserve.

And you're the perfect
person to do that

because you read all
that stuff, you listen

to the podcasts,
you keep up with it.

Well, not all of it.
I rely on the mutant family

to let me know who's out there
and doing really good work.

Okay, well, before you award
the first silver bolo,

I want to point out you're
a horror blogger yourself,

'cause you've been publishing
Kinky Horror,

kinkyhorror.com,

since how long have
you been doing that?

Maybe seven years now?

Okay. As far as I know,
you're still the only blog

that reviews horror porn,
which was a genre

I didn't know existed until
you introduced me to classics

like "The Texas
Vibrator Massacre,"

"The Hills Have Thighs"...

-I was supposed to be in that.
-"Halloween --"

You were supposed to be in that?
Is that what you said?

-Yeah, I really was.
-Oh, my God.

"Halloween Triple X,"
"Wet Dream on Elm Street"...

So good.
For real.

...and my personal favorite,
"Skanknado."

-Also good.
-Who made "Skanknado"?

Steve Matthews.

You know the director
of "Skanknado"?!

[Laughs]

Actually, my favorite
of all is "Evil Head,"

which I highly recommend."Evil Head"?

Yes. "Evil Dead" parody, shock,
but it's amazing, so good.

All right.
I mean, that's not the main

thing you do on Kinky Horror.
You have everything on there.

Yeah.
I started Kinky Horror

because I was
an adult performer,

and whenever I'd
talk about horror online,

I'd always get comments like,
"Yeah, that's cool and all,

but show us your ass."

So I made a site to make sure
that people knew it was

separate from all
the other stuff.

So it's not just
for porn fans.

It's for people
who cared about horror,

and if you're also
a porn fan, cool,

but it's a place
for horror.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I can attest

that Darcy has
some writing chops.

Aw, thank you.

Okay, we're going on
to the silver bolo.

Do we have the actual
silver bolo here?

We do.

Yuki. Here.

All right, thanks.

Yeah, okay, good.

Yeah, it's got
a Lone Star there on it.

Looks like it's made
of actual silver.

Is it made of
actual silver, Yuki?

Yuki: It will be!

[Laughs]
Yay, thank you, Yuki.

All right, thanks,
Yuki.

All righty, so,

the very first ever
"Last Drive-In"

Silver Bolo Award
goes to...

Dinosaur Dracula!

You talk about that guy all
the time -- Dinosaur Dracula.

I love him.

He has a web site that covers
vintage action figures,

junk food,
roadside attractions,

monsters, horror movies,
wrestling -- lots of wrasslin'.

Okay. I love it.

His motto is that he celebrates
the sheer joy of trivial things,

and he's been around
for a really long time.

He also hosts
the Purple Stuff podcast

with Jay from
The Sexy Armpit.

The Sexy Armpit?
Yes.

That's another
pop culture web site.

All right, well, high praise
for the very first recipient

of the Silver Bolo.

All right,
we are just moments away

from the final movie in our
"Red Christmas" trilogy,

and it's good that
we're showing this

'cause you can sort of
brush up on exactly

what you need to do to emulate
the famous Linnea Quigley scene

in "Silent Night,
Deadly Night."

I don't need any
brushups.

Okay, well, that's a major bra
to fill, Linnea Quigley.

She wasn't wearing a bra.

Indeed she was not, but we're
headed for trouble here,

I can already tell.

I wish I knew some
Christmas jokes.

I actually only know one
Christmas joke and it's dirty.

So...
Please tell it then.

No, I want to tell you the one
about the pig, okay?

Okay.

Man walks into
a bar with a pig.

Bartender says,
"That's a great-looking pig,

but why does he have
a wooden leg?"

And the man says, "Well, let me
tell you about this pig.

He's one special pig.

One night, my house was on fire,
and this pig dragged

me to safety, saved my life."

And the bartender says,
"Wow, that's great.

But why does he have
that wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you
something else about this pig.

He's very special.

One time, I was out sailing,
and the boat capsized,

and the pig swam me to safety,
saved my life."

The bartender says,
"That's really terrific,

but why the wooden leg?"
The man says, "Let me tell you

one more thing about
this special pig.

Last week, during an earthquake,
my house collapsed,

and my pig pulled me out,
saved my life."

So, finally, the bartender says,

"Okay, I get it,
it's a special pig.

He saved you from a fire,
an earthquake,

and from drowning, but why does
he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "When you have
a pig this special,

you can't eat him all at once."

Wow.
That was --

That was bad.
Tell the dirty one.

What do a Christmas tree
and a priest have in common?

What?

The balls are just
for decoration.

[Laughter]I like that one better.

Should have stopped
at the pig, you know.

I like that one.

You goaded me into
doing that one.

♪♪