All language subtitles for R.F.S01E05.My Boyfriend Lied About Being A Man [eng]

TJ was a right laugh.

PHONE BLEEPS

The banter was just there, the laughs
and the jokes.

The first time we had sex, why it
felt weird,

all the secrecy around their body,

you don't need to lie just tell me
the truth.

Gender reassignment surgery
never happened.

I had no control over my own bank.

Passport was hidden.

From there it was just downhill
mayhem.

This is a manipulative,

lying, deceptive, violent human
being.

The amount of times I come
out of this house,

like, covering up black eyes,

broken noses, busted lips,

or, actually, walked down the street

with bite marks on my face,

I'm screaming and shouting for help.

My eyes were burning,

and my throat was burning.

Roxanne's family were telling her
to leave.

There is your red flag right there.

It was all a pack of lies.

This person was worse than the devil.

So, my mum's friend was on Plenty
of Fish

and it looked like there were some
good-looking guys on there,

so I thought let's give it a go.

I was just kind of talking to people

seeing who, really, I caught a vibe
with.

I feel like TJ was a right laugh.

I felt relaxed,

like, the banter was just there,

the laughing and the jokes, so,
it, kind of, just free flowed.

What happened with me and my friends
at that day.

I got raped.

I feel like being raped at 16,

the police not believing me...

..I feel like the mental therapy was
just, kind of, like

six to 12 sessions, not much really
intense therapy.

I think I was probably mentally
depressed.

I feel like I was a lost soul trying
to dig their self out of a grave.

PHONE NOTIFICATION BLEEPS

TJ made me feel relaxed,

TJ made me feel heard

and TJ made me feel like everything
I felt was OK.

Roxanne, at that point, really
trusted TJ

and that must have felt like

a real gift to be listened to

to, to be cared about,

and that person, to be there to
support you.

So, she may have also felt a huge
sense of

I can just be myself with this
person.

TJ's plan was like, "OK we're going
to go have something to eat,

"have a couple of drinks".

I was just, kind of, hoping that
person that I had fun talking to

was that person in real life.

So, it was like for two weeks we'd
been talking,

and then I said to TJ, "Oh, I go past
Liverpool Street every day

"on the way home".

So, TJ suggested meeting up at
Liverpool Street.

And then out of nowhere,
TJ just kind of appeared.

He was a lot shorter than he said

but apart from that,

he looked actually quite similar to
the pictures.

There was no awkwardness.

It was like I always knew
this person.

The banter was there.

It kind of started the same as how,

like, our conversations were on
the phone.

Everything just seemed pretty normal.

And then TJ told me that we have
to go

to his dad's house for him
to get changed

because he was hot,

even though he just came from his
dad's house.

I was very anxious and worried
cos thought it was a bit weird,

cos it's like I don't know you,
you know,

I'm trusting you to take me
to someone's house.

Just didn't know really what
to expect.

The first real red flag that is
shown in this relationship

is when TJ takes Roxanne back

to his dad's house.

This wasn't part of the prearranged
location so straight away,

Roxanne is pulled out of her comfort
zone

and has gone somewhere she wasn't
expecting to go.

What people need to understand in
this situation,

are you doing what you feel
is right?

Is it comfortable for you?

Because if it's not, you trust that
instinct and you need to walk away.

We literally walked in, and I just
thought,

"Oh, my God, there's nowhere for me
to sit," because it was so nasty.

You know when a carpet's just been
ripped up?

It was just that throughout.

And it was dirty.

There was a sofa bed with all
the foam showing.

It was proper filth.

TJ just kind of stood there with me,

just talking to me
and we was chatting.

He said, like, "I'm sorry about the
state of the house.

"this is not where I live. This is my
dad's.

And I was like, "OK"

like, just went with it really.

We just stayed there talking

for a bit longer and stuff
and I just went home.

TJ texted me when I got home kept
on talking.

It just kind of went from there,
really.

It kind of just carried on talking
and meeting up

and having a laugh and joke.

Looking back on it now, it was very
intense, very quickly.

It kind of went to, like, every day.

At first it was all really happy
for her

just being with someone,

and she was obviously wanting
to spend time with him,

and they were enjoying time together
for her to be away from home.

But, yeah, at first it just seemed
normal.

It was obvious the conversations
weren't as often as we used to

have them.

I just didn't get to talk to her.

It was always them.

It was just, "Oh, yeah, we were just
busy or I'm just spending time

"with him," and that was just kind
of how it was.

It was the texts, the calls,

the understanding my feelings,
I'm stressed at work,

I'd got a lot going on,

and TJ is making it feel like
everything was OK.

Like TJ had my back and no-one else
did.

This is the stage that I see as very
much, TJ infiltrating her space.

Like, "You cannot be without me.

"I'm always there".

"I'm always here to

"take care of you."

I'm always here to do anything
for you."

He was literally giving her no
breathing space

to be away from him. Like, "Look how
close we are.

"Look how much I love you".

I think this is the beginning of
reeling her in.

We only had intimacy once.

That was the only time throughout
the relationship.

It was very uncomfortable.

TJ wanted complete darkness.

TJ kept clothes on.

You wasn't allowed to touch,

you wasn't allowed to have lights on.

You wasn't allowed to strip them.

It made me feel absolutely weird
and strange

and the most unnatural situation
you could ever have been in.

Then after that, it was like,
"I don't want to rush.

"I want to take the sex out of it
and just get to know you".

I want you to feel loved and cared
for

and not everything based around
intimacy.

And I was just like, "OK, this is
different",

because normally when you first
meet someone

and you finally do get intimate
with them,

it's that honeymoon stage,

it's like you can't keep your hands
off each other

but it was flipped back on me like,
well, no, actually,

we're going to take that away.

And I was just like, "OK, this is
really not how I expected it to go."

So, after me and TJ had sex,

I feel like it was two weeks later
that we went to Shoreditch.

TJ just said that we was going to go
for cocktails

and have a nice night

and everything was just going to be
happy.

I feel like I was trying to go with
it

to see if there was anything that was

going to come better from the
situation.

I was happy the fact that we was
going out for cocktails

and finally getting out of that
house.

So, it's the bar coming up.

It looked different back then.

TJ ordered cocktails.

I'm smoking a cigarette
we're chatting,

and TJ says, "I have something to
tell you."

TJ told me that they were
transitioning.

They were born with both genders
in them

and they wanted to go from male
to female

cos they believed that was their
true gender.

I'm going to have to take my time
to get my head around this,

especially of the fact of like,

I've never been with anyone like
this,

I've never dated any one like this,
I don't know no-one like this,

I was very shocked

and I, kind of, felt like, "How did
you think this was going to be OK?"

Like, "How do you think this is
going to work?

"Did you think no-one was ever going
to ask questions

"or people are that stupid?"

I kind of felt, like, "If I get up
and run now,

"it's pretty awful of me"

and then I found out the surgery was
happening within, I believe,

a week of this and it was only going
to be a day surgery,

which I found really weird.

I feel like it's not right to throw
that on someone,

especially without asking them how
they feel.

No-one really matters apart from TJ's
world.

This is mind-blowing information.

He's never shown any hint of any
of this

and suddenly he's laid all of this
information bare on her.

What that is, is information that is
going to shift

the nature of their relationship.

If she stays, how does she feel
about it?

What does she want?

Does she want to be in this
situation or not?

I'm confused, like I'm not even this
way inclined.

Should I just stay
and be supportive?

You should have been honest from
the start with me,

not held this information in.

There was, just, so many things
going through my mind at that stage.

Trauma bonding is a term that's used

to describe how perpetrators online
and off,

will use trauma as a means to bond
with their victim.

To initiate pity, sympathy, empathy,

attention, from, from the person
who's on the receiving end.

When TJ discloses that he's

going to have this gender
reassignment surgery,

I suspect that he needed

to lure Roxanne in here by making
her feel sorry for him,

pitying him, you know,

realising how tender and how wounded
he was.

But obviously, the goal is to coerce
and control.

Then when I asked, "Can I go to the
hospital?" It was no.

"Can I come to your surgery?" No.
"Can I come around the same day?" No.

How you coming home the same day from
surgery?

It's a big surgery.

I just felt that there were so many
excuses

it's just not right.

I was kind of confused because there
was no...

..nothing that I would say looked
anything like

a surgery has even happened.

It just didn't look right.

And TJ was like, "Oh, yeah, I've had
this done,

"that done, they built the vagina..."

and I'm just like trying to listen
and take this all in,

but trying to understand that I don't
get how you are at home.

It was all, though, like TJ had the
answer for the whole scenario.

I was trying to believe TJ but at
the same time, in case I'm wrong,

still support this person

or try and understand this person

or understand what they're going
through.

I mean it got to the point where I
would call her and

and it wouldn't even be her
answering the phone,

it would be him, and he'd say things
like,

"She's not home. She's in the bath.
She's having a nap."

Later on, I'd find out Roxanne
was actually there,

but she just didn't know
I was calling,

and she would look on the call log

and there would be no call from me
because he'd deleted it.

So, this is definitely
a huge red flag.

TJ's isolating Roxanne from
her family.

The communication has been broken.

She isn't getting any contact

with those people who matter to her
because in doing so,

he could have more monopoly
over her,

more control over her.

And by having more control over
her,

she'd become more reliant on him

and so the co-dependency glue
between them thickens.

So literally from surgery,

it just went from name calling
to a slap,

to a punch, to "No-one loves you.
No-one cares for you.

"You're fat, you're ugly. You're a
slag."

I could actually tell you like

the amount of times my head was
slammed against that door,

or the side of that wall.

Covering up black eyes,

broken noses, busted lips,

or actually walked down the street

with bite marks on my face.

I feel like TJ emotionally,

was just abusing me to feel like I
was reliant on them.

She was coming home with bruises,

and she was clearly being hit.

Yeah, I questioned her quite a lot.

We see the biggest red flag of them
all.

It has ramped up from controlling,
the jealousy, to physical violence.

She would say it was
just play fighting

and like accidental things that had
happened or something she had

inflicted on herself.

It was like she was just hiding
everything.

It was obvious what was going on
but you can only ask.

TJ found out that I got raped

when I was 16.

TJ acted very angry, wanted revenge.

Then TJ asked me who the person is.

I told them who they were.

And then I found out that TJ knew
the guy that done it to me.

From there it was just downhill
mayhem.

TJ had no car and TJ needed a car,

so TJ went online and used someone
else's pictures,

pretended to be that woman,

convinced the victim to come to
the house to steal their car...

..drugged the victim up, and then
stole the victim's keys.

POLICE SIREN

We was driving. Police sirens went
off.

Got pulled over.

The police searched the car,

and they found a disguised Taser in
the back.

I feel 100% remorse for the guy that
got caught up in this madness.

I fully accept my part that I
should've told the police the truth.

I should have told them exactly what
was going on.

I feel absolutely so apologetic
for the victim.

And I feel bad for what happened.

I think I was packing to leave. I was
like, "I'm out of here. I'm done."

Started packing my bags to go back to
my mum's

and TJ was like, "You're not leaving.

"If anyone's going to leave, we're
leaving together dead."

Next thing, I smelt fire, and I ran
in there and my bag was lighting up.

So, I put it out and I was like,
"What are you doing?"

Next you know, TJ's trying to light
another bag.

I put that one out.

TJ just started beating on me.

I think it ended up, at one point,
I'm on the floor.

TJ's pouring water down my throat.

Then the next thing you know,

TJ's sprayed me with lighter fluid.

So, my throat's hurting, my eyes are
burning,

my face is being irritated, my hair
is,

I'm wet,

I'm covered in lighter fluid...

..and TJ was trying to set me alight.

I'm screaming and shouting for help

and then, somehow, I ended up being
allowed to go and get in the shower

cos my eyes were burning and my
throat was burning

and as I'm in the shower, TJ came in,
punched me in the side of my face

and said, "You stupid bitch,
I was born a female."

I was like, "Oh, my God. This makes
sense."

Like, bells on.
Everything's answered itself now.

The first time we had sex,
why it felt weird,

all the secrecy around their body,

Not being able to do anything normal
with them in bed

the fact that you came back
the same day from operation,

it just all made sense.

The gender reassignment surgery
never happened.

TJ was born a female.

It was all a pack of lies.

We know that all wholesome,

healthy relationships are built on
mutual trust.

The biggest and most obvious red
flag is that

there was no trust,

there was no consent,

there was no authenticity.

If we discover this pattern,
this cycle of fakery,

those are red flags in itself that
tell us,

get out and get out double quick.

I wanted answers.

I knew TJ was lying,

but I wanted the proof, erm,

that TJ was pretending to be a male,

that TJ lied about transitioning.

I didn't know if I was even going to
go anywhere with it at this point.

I needed it for me.

TJ wasn't in the house

and I was looking through
the clothes cupboard.

I found letters from when TJ was
previously in prison,

from an ex-girlfriend writing and
saying,

"Why you in a female prison if you
was born a man?

"Because you've transitioned
so why'd you lie to me?"

I suddenly realised at that
moment that

TJ has done this before.

It made me feel that I'm not alone

and I wanted to get justice
for us all.

And then I found...

..the fake penis.

I was shocked.

I was like, "OK, so this is what you,
obviously, used

"when we first had sex."

It just made sense to why it was
so uncomfortable

and so painful,

and why the room had
to be in pure darkness

and why I wasn't allowed to touch
them.

TJ came back from wherever TJ was and
I said,

"I found that penis that you used."

And TJ's like, "Shut up, you know I
was born a man."

I was like, "No, you were a female.
You admitted it.

"So, you don't need to lie.
Just tell me the truth."

And TJ just beat me, so,

I, kind of, got the answer that I
wanted it was the one that you used.

So, this is just before where
we lived.

So, I was only allowed the phone when
it suited TJ.

I was only allowed to talk
to my mum when it suited TJ.

If TJ felt like beating me that day,
TJ would.

I think it's all control.

I mean, I had no bank card.

I had no control over my own bank.

Passport was hidden.

They had everything.

I think TJ knew by that point that
I knew it was a lie.

TJ knew that I didn't like them
at all.

They knew I hated them.

I feel like she hid quite a lot.

I thought it was because I was
young,

and she didn't want me knowing or

if she just didn't feel like she
could

say what was happening

but she definitely didn't tell us
everything we should have known.

A lot of people felt, I guess,

upset and angry at me that I didn't
call on no-one for help

but on the other hand,

I got myself into this
and I'm going to get myself out.

I think it can be very hard
sometimes

for people in abusive, toxic,

violent relationships to get up and
leave,

because, by that point, they have

possibly been so beaten down,

they have probably been isolated
from loved ones and friends.

They might have also experienced

intermittent reward from this
person.

Sometimes they're absolutely
wonderful and what they

then, are engaged in trying to do is
get that person back.

So, if I change the way I am,

that person will be loving and

and kind to me like they used to be.

But at this point, this person is
just trying very hard just

to survive from one day to
the next.

So, while we was moving,
I went through a lot of moving,

packing things up.

I realised there was a number of
birth certificates.

There was fake ones with like
different male names.

Then I realised there was one it had

the real stamp of approval,

everything on it was just real

and the name there was Hannah
Walters.

On the birth certificate, it had
Hannah Walters, birth female,

and the parents and the hospital
and, obviously, the address.

This must be this person's real
identity.

I now know the truth,

that TJ and all the other alias names
that they have,

is absolute lies.

This person's name is Hannah Walters

and they're born a female.

This is a devastating and shocking
moment for her

to discover that the whole
relationship, up to this point,

has been a lie.

At this point,

when Roxanne discovers TJ was born
a woman

and has other identities this
suggests to me

a very manipulative, dishonest,
person,

willing to lie so that they can do
what they want with you after that.

My investigation was done.

Now I needed to get the hell out of
this relationship.

TJ was constantly threatening

to set my mum's house alight,

to get my mum's family raped, to get
them murdered.

I felt petrified for their safety

because I knew TJ was capable

of everything that TJ was saying.

This person was worse than the devil.

When they realised there's
no more fear put into you,

they then turn on to the people you
love.

My mum was then getting to the point
where we weren't talking to her,

and she weren't coming home

so that's when she started getting
the police involved

and calling them to go check on her.

My mum was really paranoid.

Roxanne's family are almost begging
her to leave him.

They don't want her in this

relationship with TJ

and this is something that we see

time and time again.

Ordinarily, the person involved in
that relationship

doesn't see how toxic and dangerous
it is.

It's the people in their
inner circle,

these people on the outside that are

so important in cases like this.

Roxanne's family were telling her
to leave.

There is your red flag right there.

I rang my mum's friend and said,
"I need a cab now",

and I was like, "That's it, I'm
done, forget the stuff.

"I can order new bank cards,
forget everything. I'll start again.

"My body can't take no more. I've had
enough".

I don't know if TJ followed one day.

I don't know how,

but somehow TJ found out where I was.

One night I was asleep, and I could
hear the door going.

So, I ran up the stairs to my mum's
friend and I said,

"TJ's outside. I'm scared".

I didn't hardly sleep either. I was
scared to sleep.

In the morning, I said to my mum,

"I need to call the police. I can't
do this. My life is a living hell".

So, we did.

Watching the police officer's face
when I'm trying to

explain this scenario,

I don't know if I felt more
uncomfortable and more confused

or the poor first police officer that
had to listen to this.

I'm receiving phone calls off
TJ's mobile.

So, I ring the officer in question
and I'm like,

"TJ is calling me from the police
cells".

They're like, "What?"

I was like, "TJ's calling me from the
police cells".

So, from there, they had to transfer
TJ to Holborn Police Station

and from that day, I never heard from
TJ again.

So, I was not a willing participant
in this crime whatsoever.

I didn't want no part of it.

I mean, by this point I wasn't
allowed to eat

unless TJ gave me permission to eat.

I wasn't allowed to do anything apart
from if TJ agreed.

If not, I'd be beaten up.

I had no choice but to stay.

This story is incredibly mind
boggling

and very devastating from
Roxanne's point of view,

being caught in the net of a
manipulative, lying,

deceptive, violent human being.

What Roxanne would have had no idea
about, when she started

communicating with TJ online, was
that TJ was a serial abuser.

I feel very sorry for Roxanne in
this situation

because she has been duped by

a very dangerous con artist.

Roxanne was affected really bad,
really bad,

and even with moving on and getting
into new relationships,

I feel like it's always going to be
something that

she'll just have to think about.

You don't really know someone,

especially when you're just looking
at how they're presenting

themselves and telling you who they
are.

I think what people forget is that

rape survivors or abuse survivors
are left with

a life sentence of memories,
PTSD, feelings,

depression, anxiety...

Whatever you may have, we are left
with that for life.

This is a very unusual case,

but I think it's important to be
mindful that,

we're all susceptible to being taken
advantage of,

particularly if you are going
through

a vulnerable time in your life or
have been through difficulties or

traumatic periods in your life

and you then meet somebody who
apparently offers you

the solution and is loving and kind

and compassionate.

It is important for everybody

to be aware that we are all
potentially susceptible

to being taken advantage of.

To this day, TJ, has still not
admitted to me why TJ lied.

When TJ got sentenced, TJ looked at
me because TJ knew I'd won.

I smiled.

I was with another survivor.

We held hands.

I won.

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