All language subtitles for Highway.To.Heaven.S04E12.With.Love.the.Claus.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor (1)_track3_[eng]

[music playing]

[music - "carol of the bells"]

Ah, Christmas.

Yeah, that time of year again.

Oh, it's my favorite
time of the year.

I love it.

I know what you mean.

It's like the whole world
takes on a kind of a glow,

you know?

Like everything
you see and hear,

taste and smell says, it's a
very special season, the kind

of season to maybe just
take a little time,

show a little love
for everybody,

to all your fellow men,
because it's Christmas.

[chuckles]

[tires squealing]

Hey!

Hey, you jerk, what do you
think you're doing here?

What are-- you
don't own the road!

Part of it's mine, you know?

- Mark, Mark, Mark.
- Jerk!

- Mark.
- What?

Christmas, remember?

I know that.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm looking for Mr. Burke.
We're the temps.

PAUL BURKE: The temps!

[laugh] Great, there
is a God in heaven.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Paul Burke.

This is my junior
partner, Matty Burke.

How ya doin', junior partner.

I'm Jonathan Smith.

This is Mark Gordon.

Here's our resumes.

Smith, Gordon.

Smith, you're the
attorney, and Gordon,

you're the investigator.

15 years Oakland
PD, last three years

you've been freelancing in
human resource development?

Yeah.

PAUL BURKE: Been a while since
you practiced law, Smith?

Yeah, it's been
a little while.

How are you on Santa Claus?

Santa Claus?

Yeah, I want to
take Matty down

to Newman's to meet the fat
man, you know what I mean?

And, uh, I have to appear
before a crotchety judge.

So what I was thinking
was that you guys

would come on down
with us, keep an eye

on Matty until I get back.

What do you say?

No problem.

PAUL BURKE: Great.

You follow me over
with your car.

[buzz]

WOMAN (ON INTERCOM): Mr. Burke,
I've got your ex on the line.

Oh, right.

Uh, OK.

One minute-- I got a
little negotiation here.

Uh, hi, Donna?

Yeah, listen, I've run
into a little snag here.

And I won't be able to get
Matty home until 8:00, OK?

Uh-- wait-- wait a minute.

Slow down, will you?

Would you hold on
a minute, will you?

What is the difference whether I
bring him home at 6:00 or 8:00?

Fine.

Super.

I just want you
to know one thing.

I have Matty this Christmas.

I was going to bring
him by to see you,

just as a little gesture.

But if you insist on playing
this petty game with me,

you can forget about
seeing Matty on Christmas.

Fine!

I don't need to be at
Matty's birthday party.

We'll make our own party.

Let's go see Santa.

[music playing]

[crowd murmuring]

Gosh, look at the
size of that line.

Well, you better get a place
if you want to see Santa today.

Right!

Listen, Smith,
I hate to do this,

but I might have to leave
before he's finished.

So you'd really be
doing me a favor if you

dropped Matty off at my ex's.

Sure, no problem.

Ever been married, Smith?

Ah, once, a long time ago.

So you know what it's like.

CASHIER: Well, you
know, I think--

[register beeping]

--I think the underwire
in that one would

hold up a lot better after--

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the Santa thing.

Could you tell me where?

Right through that door.

Oh, thank you very much.

The lace insert
on this would--

Merry Christmas.

You're number 28.

Have a seat and fill
that out, please.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm just here
for the Santa thing, you know?

This is it.

Have a seat.

No, no, I don't want a job.

I just want to know
where Santa is.

Well, you want the toy
department, third floor.

Oh, thank you.

Well, old-time, I
hope you get the job.

I already got it.

I am Santa.

But thanks for the kind wish.

What's your name?

Mark, Mark Gordon.

Got it.

I'm putting you on the list.

Right.

Well, good luck.

All right, number 14, you
can get started right away.

Go into the back and
get fitted for a suit.

Oh, thanks, but
I brought my own.

[imitating gunfire]

Boy, trying to find a
parking place around here

is ridiculous.

Tell me.

Where's Burke?

Oh, he had to take
off for that court date.

Oh, it's rough being
a single parent, yeah.

Really rough, it's
rough on all of them.

That's the assignment, isn't it?

Yeah, we got to
figure out a way

to get the Burke's
to stop being lawyers

and start being parents again.

And you'll get everything he
want come Christmas morning.

You be a good little girl now.

Well, children, Santa's going
to take just a little break,

and he'll be right back.

Hey, but I was next.

And you'll be first in
line when Santa comes back.

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho!

What a gyp.

He's probably going back
to the hit the bottle.

That's what they get to play
Santa, a bunch of old drunks.

But he isn't Santa, isn't he?

Yeah, I bet you believe
in the tooth fairy too.

I ain't waiting for that bum.

Oh, boy, am I glad
my shift is over.

This is worse than
dinner theater.

Listen, if the kid doesn't
know what he wants,

the manager wants you to
push the machine guns.

There's a pile of them
right next to the chair.

They want Santa to
push machine guns?

Well, machine guns, machetes,
grenades, the whole arsenal.

Oh, and don't take too
much time with them,

and keep them moving.

I've been at
this a while, Fred.

I think I can handle it.

Good luck.

This Christmas, ask me
about becoming a member

of the exterminator team?

What kind of Christmas is that?

[grunting]

[laughter]

Who's next?

Me, I guess.

[groans]

You forgot to say ho-ho-ho.

Well, I don't feel
particularly jolly when I

see a bunch of junk like that.

Well, what's your name, sonny.

Matty Burke.

I don't know if I've
been good or not.

How come, Matty?

Because everybody's mad
all the time, even you.

Oh, I'm not mad, Matty.

Just a little ticked
off when I see

what they're doing
to Christmas, what

they're trying to do to me.

Oh, but Matty, I have been
watching you all year.

And let me tell you,
you're trying to be good,

you're trying to do better,
and that's what counts.

You want to tell
Santa what you want?

Oh, Matty that's a--

kind of rugged.

Wouldn't you like something
the elves can paint?

Uh-uh, that's what I want.

Well, son, I won't lie to you.

Santa doesn't lie.

I can't promise you that I
can get you what you want.

But I'll work on it.

Fair enough?

Fair enough.

Aw.

And Merry Christmas.

Santa, can I have
a word with you?

You'll have to stand in line.

These kids are first.

I am Mr Grinchley,
the manager.

Who authorized you to
take down that sign?

And who authorized
you to use my name

to push a bunch of machine guns
so kids could play like they're

killing each other?

Does that sound like
Christmas to you?

It sounds like business to me.

Well, we've got the whole
problem there, haven't we, Bob?

Christmas isn't supposed
to be a business.

It's supposed to be a spirit.

And you guys are using
it and me to cram

these kids heads full
of hate and violence,

instead of peace and love.

And it's ticking old Santa off.

You guys want to make
a buck, go ahead.

But don't you use Santa
to be a gunrunner for you.

You catch my drift, Grinchley?

You're fired.

Take off that suit.

This suit was made
for me by my missus,

so get your mitts off it.

And you can't fire me 'cause
I didn't get the job from you.

I got it from the boss upstairs.

I am the boss from upstairs.

SANTA: No, you're not.

You're just little
Billy Grinchley.

And you're the same
brat now you were

40 years ago, only
now you're not just

picking on your little brother.

You're messing with
the fat man now!

Children, all of
this isn't Christmas.

Christmas doesn't belong
to any department store.

It belongs to you.

It's what you feel
in your heart.

And you can't get that
with a credit card.

[applause]

Wee!

[laughter]

Ha!

That's the-- the only thing
around here that's kind of fun.

You got the right
spirit, old-timer.

Listen, I think
you got a bum deal.

[laughs] That turkey
thinks he can fire me.

Listen, my partner's
an attorney, right?

He's on another
assignment right now.

Here's our card.

If you want to fight to
try to get your job back,

maybe, I mean maybe
we can help you.

Well, that's very nice of you.

Don't mention it.

We'll see you later.

[doorbell]

Hey, Mommy.

Oh, Matty, darling, I was
beginning to wonder about you.

It's past 6:00.

Mrs. Burke, I'm
Jonathan Smith.

I work for your husband.

He asked if we--

OK, so he couldn't even
bring him by himself?

Look, you tell Mr Burke
that the next time he--

[sighs] What's the use?

Matty, darling, Maria's
going to give you dinner.

Mommy has an important meeting.

But when I get home,
I'm going to come

in and kiss you goodnight.

And I'll see you tomorrow, OK?

Mommy, I saw Santa today!

You did?

Well, that's great.

Now you hurry up and go wash up.

JONATHAN SMITH: Mr Burke?

Yes.

I know it's none
of my business.

But if you knew you
were going to be out,

wouldn't it have been
better for the boy

to have dinner with his
father instead of with me?

You're right, Mr Smith.

It's none of your business.

[bells jingling]

[music playing]

[groans] Pat, do
you have any aspirin?

You bet.

Starting the day off
with a smile, huh?

Oh, I don't believe my ex.

She's taking me back
to court over my kid.

She's filed a motion that says,
for his emotional stability,

it's better that he should
spend Christmas with his mother.

I don't believe that--

where's Smith, Gordon?

I want them to take
some of the load off

so I can find something
that I can nail

the former Mrs. Burke with.

They're in the conference
room with a client.

A client?
They're temps.

They don't have clients.

Yeah, maybe you ought
to tell them that.

It'll probably get
them off the hook.

They've got a real dilly from
off the streets in there.

What are you talking about?

Does the phrase
ho-ho-ho ring a bell?

I'll tell you, it makes
me so mad I could spit.

Morning, Smith, Gordon.

Mr Burke.

And you are?

Santa Claus.

The Santa Claus?

Kind of awesome, ain't it?

In Bermuda shorts
and a Hawaiian shirt?

This is LA, kid.

It's 85 degrees out there.

You get a little
sticky in red flannels.

JONATHAN SMITH: This, uh--
this gentleman was employed

as a department store Santa.

He objected to the
use of Santa Claus

to help promote the
sale of machine guns.

And commando knives
and flamethrowers.

Flamethrowers!

They want Father Christmas to
help them haul flamethrowers.

By golly, it'll be
a frosty day in--

Uh, when he objected,
they canned him.

And now he wants us to help
him get his job back, right?

MARK GORDON: Well, yeah,
that's kind of the idea, yeah.

Not the idea, that's
not the idea at all.

I don't need the job.

I've got the job.

I've had it for 100 years.

They can't take diddly
squat away from me.

But what they can do
is take Christmas,

the spirit of Christmas,
away from their children.

What are you gonna do,
buzz them in your sleigh?

[chuckles] It's just
a little joke, Santa.

Look, I'm a busy man.

Give my love to the elves.

I'll leave some cookies
for you by the fireplace.

But I got to go prepare a
brief against my ex-wife.

SANTA: Those guys over at
Newman's are using my likeness

without authorization.

And if that isn't an
invasion of privacy,

I don't know reindeer
from bean dip.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

Those guys where?

At Newman's department
store, that's where.

Mr. Claus, consider yourself
represented by counsel.

Smith, Gordon, I want you to
drop everything else you're

doing, and I want you
to devote full time

to the case of Claus versus
Newman's Department Stores,

Inc.

We'd be happy to, Mr. Burke.

But do you mind telling me
why he changed your mind?

Mrs. Burke.

Mrs. Burke?

[music playing]

The lovely ex Mrs. Burke,
who just happens to be

chief corporate counsel for
Newman's Department Stores,

Inc. [laugh]

John.

Hmm?

Is this is guy Santa Claus?

I mean, he isn't really.

Is he?

I can't tell.

What do you mean
you can't tell?

You're an angel.

I mean, I can't tell.

I'm his lawyer.

He told me who he is in private.

I can't divulge that
kind of information.

It's-- it's like part of
lawyer-client privilege.

Oh, that's cute, John, cute.

Let's get it in gear.

What do you say?

Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've
call this press conference

today to announce
certain legal actions

that have been filed with the
court on behalf of our client.

My name is Jonathan Smith.

I'm here on behalf of
the attorney of record,

Mr. Paul Burke, who represents
our client, Santa Claus.

This is a joke, right?

JONATHAN SMITH: Well, not
as far as we're concerned.

We have this day
requested that the court

issue an injunctive order
against Newman's Department

Store, Incorporated,
demanding that they cease

and desist from using our
client's name and likeness

in the promotion of
products and values

that are contrary to
the spirit of peace,

love, and goodwill toward all--

the very essence of Christmas.

Santa is ready to take
your questions now.

Hi.

Is this a publicity stunt?

I don't need any
publicity, son.

I'm pretty well known as
it is, don't you think?

[laughter]

What do you hope
to gain by all this?

Gain?

I don't hope to gain anything.

Gain isn't my business.

Giving is, the spirit of giving.

And nobody has to gain it.

All you got to do is
give, and you got it.

And let me tell
you something else,

while we're on the subject.

I think all moms
and dads out there

ought to take the money that
they would spend on one big toy

and give that money to
charity, to cure a disease

or clothe the homeless or
feed the hungry or brighten

some less fortunate
child's Christmas.

And I think they ought
to tell their kids

that that's what they're
doing in their names out

of their love for them.

Because that way, you
can give your kids

the most precious gift
of all, the gift giving.

MAN (ON TV): --the LA Press
Club, where the opening salvos

in the courtroom drama of Claus
versus Newman's Department

Store have just been
fired, by a man claiming

to be Saint Nick himself.

And from the
response he's gotten

from some awfully
cynical reporters here,

he might just be Santa at that.

Back to you, Bart.

Who the hell does
he think he is?

Santa Claus, Mr. N-Newman.

I know who he thinks he
is, Grinchley, you twit.

I'm not talking about him.

I'm talking about your
husband, Mrs. Burke.

Who does that two-bit
shyster think he

is filing suit against me
on behalf of that overweight

mentally incompetent?

He's doing this to
get at me, Mr. Newman.

I know him.

I know how his mind works.

Well, that's where
you're wrong, Mrs. Burke.

He's doing this to me.

And I suggest you do it to
him before I do it to you.

With pleasure.

With pleasure.

I would have
loved to have seen

her face when that
press conference

came on in their boardroom.

[laughs]

Paul, we're not doing
this to get at your wife.

We're doing this to
do something positive.

Nailing my ex-wife
is the most positive

thing that I can think of.

[knocking]

Excuse me, are you Mr. Burke?

That's me.

I have a singing
telegram for you, sir.

[tone] (SINGING) Oh, jingle
bells, your lawsuit smells.

I've one more thing to say.

This is a restraining order.

Stick it in your sleigh.

This is for you, Santa.

Merry Christmas.

Let me see that.

Oh, the old wolverine
has fired back.

Well, I'm due in court.

We'll handle that
when I get back.

Hang in there, Santa.

We've just begun to fight.

What is that gobbledygook?

Ah, it's a John Doe
restraining order.

What it says is, since
there is no Santa Claus,

since Santa Claus is
a mythical creation,

you're hereby ordered to
cease and desist from posing

as said mythic character.

You're ordered to
cease and desist

making any and all
statements concerning

Newman's Department Store.

And until a hearing can be held
to make the order permanent,

you are enjoined from
wearing a red suit,

saying ho-ho-ho, Merry
Christmas, or any and all

other phrases
normally associated

with the mythic character
known as Santa Claus.

Is that legal, Jonathan?

The judge signed it.

It's legal, at least
until the hearing.

I can't wear the suit?

Can't say ho-ho-ho?

Can't even wish anybody a Merry
Christmas, for goodness' sake?

What kind of goofball judge
would sign a thing like that.

Judge Henry T. Clawson.

He's off the list!

I'll tell you right now, boy.

Old Hank could stick a mountain
of cookies by the fireplace,

and they'll be selling air
conditioners at the North Pole

before I--

No, no, no, come on, now.

Losing your temper
isn't going to help.

You can think this
is losing my temper?

I'll show you what
losing my temper is!

Where are you going?

To Newman's Department Store!

Look at this
beauty, boys and girl.

How would you like
Santa to bring

you this for Christmas, Johnny?

He wouldn't!

And you're not Santa.

You're a gunrunner.

How dare-- that is
N-N-Newman property!

Well, it's my face and name.

And get your finger
off my chest.

Or what?

Or that!

Oh!

And that!

And that!

And that!

Ah!

Arrest that man.

[music playing]

[sighs] What
happened to you, Spike?

I got caught.

What's it look like, pops?

No, no, no, I
didn't mean that.

I mean, what happened to you.

You didn't start out a bad boy.

You were a good kid.

Yeah.

How do you know?

I remember.

I remember a long time
ago, you must have

been four or five years old.

Your dad had run out on
you and your brothers.

Your mother was doing
everything she could

to hold the family together.

And there wasn't any
money that year for toys.

And you were all sad because
you couldn't buy a gift for her.

You loved your ma, Spike.

That was so long ago.

I hadn't even thought
about her in years.

She was the only one
who ever, ever loved me.

After she died, I--

how do you know?

You did give
her a gift, Spike.

Nah, there wasn't any money.

SANTA: Oh, no, no, no, but this
was something more important

than money, something
money can't buy, something

they don't keep in safes.

[music playing]

She was there,
crying at the table.

And you put your arm
around her and said,

don't worry, Ma, I love you.

And I'm going to make
something out of myself.

I'm going to make you proud.

And she put her arm around
you and said, Theodore,

you already have.

Theodore.

No one's called me that since--

SANTA: What would she
think if she saw you today?

It's not too late, my friend.

It's up to you.

This could be the first day
of a whole new life for you,

or just another
day in the slammer.

It's up to you.

My main man, the Claus.

What is it, Clarence?

CLARENCE: Visitation,
Claus-- your lawyer.

Thanks.

Think it over, Spike.

So have you got that cat
burglar thinking you're

really Santa?

And you don't, Clarence?

Hey, Claus, you're a nice old
guy, but you ain't no Santa.

Trust me.

I know.

You sound pretty
sure of yourself.

Yeah.

Well, I got four
little ones to raise.

How much you think a
jailer makers, huh?

Not enough.

How do you tell a five-year-old
he can't have that shiny train

set he has his heart set
on, that there's just

not enough money to go around?

You think money
buys happiness?

Well, if it
don't, you can sure

pay unhappiness to stay away.

[chuckles]

Could be.

Are your children
healthy, Clarence?

Knock wood.

Well, I know a
lot of rich folks

who would give all they have
and then some just to trade

places with you.

I'll tell you
one thing, my man.

They wouldn't find no takers
with me on that bargain.

I didn't think so, Clarence.

Ah, but it still would be
fun to get my boy a train.

We tried to get a hold of
Mr. Burke, but he was out.

The first thing
tomorrow morning,

we're going to see if we
can get in front of a judge,

get you out on your
own recognizance.

That's OK.

I got a nice bed, a real
friendly fella named Clarence

who takes good care of us.

I got some pretty decent
roommates, too, if I could

just get them to see that.

One day more is no problem.

Listen, I don't know
how to tell you this,

but I don't think they're
going to let you out.

But I got to get out.

Christmas Eve is
only two days off.

We'll do everything we can.

And unfortunately, I think
it's partly my fault.

We just let it get out of hand.

I mean, this thing has
turned into a vendetta

between Burke and his ex-wife.

I know.

You don't know how it pains me.

MARK GORDON: Hey,
look, man, I don't

know if you're Santa Claus or
if you are not Santa Claus,

you know?

But I do know a few things.

And one of the
things that I know

is that if you really are
Santa, you got the stuff.

You know, the stuff.

So why don't you
just use the stuff?

And the next thing
you know, it's up,

Donner, up, Blitzen,
you know what I mean?

Mark, I can't do that.

Well, sure you can,
if you got the stuff.

And what kind of
an example would

that set for the children?

Santa busts out of jail.

No, my friend, I'm
afraid you're just

going to have to go into
court and prove to a judge

that I'm Santa.

[music playing]

Your honor, I must
protest counsel's

cheap theatrical publicity
stunt of arranging for children

to come down to
the precinct where

he puts on some sort of a--

Your honor, I didn't
arrange for anything.

A reporter called for an
interview with my client.

I simply told the man
where my client was,

and I guess he did the rest.

I hardly think it's in the
best interest of the children

counsel purports to be so
concerned about to have them

trooped down to the city jail.

I'm not the one
that put Father

Christmas in the slammer.

MRS. BURKE: He is the Father
Christmas, and you know it.

And if you're so concerned about
giving more toys to children,

then how come you
gave Matty that--

that drooling monster, the one,
that mutant with the saliva

dripping down its fangs?

The mutant with
fangs is your mother.

Oh, you--

And the reason I gave Matty
the stuffed Godzilla baby was--

HENRY CLAWSON: Have
you two finished?

May I remind you,
this is my courtroom

and not a marriage encounter?

We are not
married, your honor.

We're divorced.

HENRY CLAWSON: And I
can't imagine a couple

better suited for it than you.

But this isn't
about your divorce.

This is about two
separate injunctions

and whether or not your
client can be released

on his own recognizance.

MRS. BURKE: Your
honor, the man is

an itinerant with no
permanent address, no means--

PAUL BURKE: The North
Pole is not exactly

what you call temporary.

MRS. BURKE: --no means
of support and no assets.

And he has already shown himself
to be of a violent nature.

Yes, well, when
I miss my lunch,

I have rather a violent nature.

So we'll adjourn for
an hour, and then I'll

hear your witnesses.

But I must warn you, Mr.
Burke, unless you can produce

something that'll
change my mind,

I'm rather inclined to
agree with Mrs. Burke.

Court is adjourned.

Excuse me, Mrs. Burke?

I was just wondering if we all
couldn't go sit down somewhere

and talk.

I don't think there's
anything to talk about.

Maybe there isn't.

But I don't see any reason
why personal problems

get in the way of
professional courtesy.

All right, I think
there's an office

down the hallway we can use.

Now, Mr. Burke, I
know I work for you,

and I may be stepping
way out of line.

But I've got to tell
you, you two are

acting like a couple of jerks.

OK Smith, that's enough.

All right, just let him talk.

Why?

Just because I told
him to shut up?

If I had said, let him talk, you
would have said, let him sh--

Would you listen
to yourselves?

I mean, that's exactly
what I'm talking about.

Look, you couldn't
live together.

Fine, you got a divorce.

Why are you still
using everything

you can get your hands
on to hurt each other?

You don't have to hurt
each other anymore.

You've made your decision.

Get on with your lives.

That's just what
I'm trying to do.

That's what I'm
trying to do too.

Oh, no, it isn't.

You're still fighting
out your marriage.

First you use your child
to hurt each other.

Then you use Santa Claus
to hurt each other.

It's ridiculous.

Don't you think it's time you
two grew up, for everybody's

sake, including your own?

Maybe he's right.

Yeah, maybe he is.

I mean, this whole
thing has gotten

really absurd, hasn't it?

Well, look who
started the whole thing.

Playing Look Who Started
It is not going to end it.

And we can end it, right
here, the two of us.

Yeah, you're right.

It's-- it's really simple.

Yes, yes, it really
is, very simple.

I mean, we're
scuffling and hassling.

And the solution is right
here in the palm of our hands.

What do you say, counselor?

You're a bigger man than
I gave you credit for, Paul.

I'll tell Mr Newman that
you're dropping the injunction.

Right.

Right after you drop yours.

Me?

Yeah, that's why he's in jail.

He's in jail because
he brought it on himself.

No, no, I take that back.

That poor old man
was just a pawn.

You brought this on.

Now you drop yours
and we'll drop ours.

PAUL BURKE: I'll drop
mine after you drop yours.

MRS. BURKE: If you don't drop
yours, I won't drop mine.

How do I know that if I
drop mine, you'll drop yours.

Drop yours and find out.

Drop yours.

You drop yours.

PAUL BURKE: I'm
not dropping mine.

MRS. BURKE: Well, then
I'm not dropping mine.

PAUL BURKE: Fine.

MRS. BURKE: Fine?
- Fine.

Fine.

I'll see you in
court, counselor.

Right.

The gloves are off, baby.

This is war!

[kinds chanting, "free santa!"]

BOY: Hey, mister, would you
like to contribute to the Free

Santa bail fund, sir?

Well, my fine little
fella, Santa's right in there

in our toy department.

You can go right in
and see for yourself.

Oh, no, sir, Santa's in jail.

This mean guy named
Newman put him in there.

And that's just
where he'll stay.

You hear that, Burke?

I'll show you what
it means to mess

with the biggest week of retail
sales in the fiscal year.

You want war,
Bucko, you got war.

This court is now ready
to hear whatever witnesses

you choose to call.

But I must warn you, Mr
Burke, that this court will

not be swayed by sentiment.

And Christmas Eve
or no Christmas Eve,

if this man is Santa
Claus, you're going

to have to prove it to me.

Your honor, I find myself
in the rather absurd position

of having to disprove a myth.

Now, Mr. Burke and Mr. Smith
may call various members

of the clergy or what
have you in their attempt

to verify their claim of
the reality of this myth.

I, however, have turned to the
world of empirical evidence

in calling to the stand
the foremost psychiatrist

in the state, Dr. Carl Erhart.

Do you swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the
truth in the matter now

pending before this
court, so help you?

I do.

Please state your name.

Carl Erhart.

And are you a doctor?

I am a psychiatrist,
MD, MA, PhD.

Do you believe in
Santa Claus, doctor?

No, I don't.

And has it been your
experience as a psychiatrist

that adults believe
in Santa Claus.

As a rule, no.

And if an adult believed
he was Santa Claus,

what would your diagnosis be?

If he really believed he
was Santa Claus, delusions

of grandeur, schizophrenia.

Thank you.

No further questions.

Doctor, let me ask you,
when you were a little boy,

did you believe in Santa Claus?

CARL ERHART: Yes,
I suppose I did.

Were you mentally
ill at the time?

(LAUGHING) No, I was a child.

And also, I did not
believe I was Santa Claus.

There is a difference.

JONATHAN SMITH: But children
do believe in Santa Claus,

do they not?

CARL ERHART: On the whole, yes.

Is there anything
wrong with that?

No, perfectly
harmless fantasy.

Might it not even
be a positive one

with positive values?

Yes, I suppose so.

Do you have any children?

Yes, and grandchildren.

Congratulations.

Do your grandchildren
believe in Santa Claus?

Oh, yes!

Well, why haven't you
told them there is no Santa?

Well, because, uh--

because they're children.

And to them, Santa is real.

CARL ERHART: Yes.

As real as you or I?

Yes.

I will say this.

There is a reality
of the Santa Claus.

It exists in the
minds of children.

Thank you very much, doctor.

And Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas
to you, too, sir.

Your name is Clarence Edwards.

That's right.

You're employed as a
jailer in the precinct

where my client is being held.

Correct.

As part of your duties,
you identify the prisoners

and fill out a
report on each one?

That's right.

Is this the report
that you filled out

on the prisoner in question?

Yeah, that's it.

Would you read the names under
which the prisoner was booked?

Claus, Santa, alias Kringle,
Kris, alias Christmas,

Father, alias
Nicholas, Saint, alias

Nicholas Jolly Old Saint--

PAUL BURKE: That'll
be enough aliases.

Did you fingerprint the
prisoner and run those prints?

Yes, I did.

Did those prints
show the prisoner

to have any other identity
but that which he gave?

Well, he came up clean
as a whistle-- no arrests,

no priors, no driver's license,
no social security card,

nothing.

So as far as you're concerned,
the name of the man that you

have in your holding cell is--

Santa Claus.

PAUL BURKE: That'll
be sufficient,

no further questions.

Have you never had
another prisoner who did not

show any means of
identification, whose prints

didn't show up anywhere, who
had no arrests, no priors,

no driver's license, et cetera?

Yeah, we get guys like
that, but not ones that

call themselves Santa Claus.

And when you get someone
who has no driver's license,

no place of employment,
no social security card,

or any other means
of identification,

what, in your professional
nomenclature, do you call him?

A bum.

[music playing]

Any further witnesses
to call, Mr Burke?

No your honor.

Yes, your honor.

Which is it, yes or no?

I have two more witnesses.

They better be
good, Mr. Smith.

Your honor, we
would like to call

an expert witness to testify as
to the reality of Santa Claus.

Oh, this I got to see.

And you will.

Mrs. Burke called her own
expert witness, who testified,

and I quote, "There is a
reality to Santa Claus.

It exists in the minds
of children," end quote.

We, therefore, would like to
call our own expert witness.

We call Matthew Burke.

BAILIFF: Call Matthew Burke.

Your honor, I protest.

That's my son, and I
don't give my permission.

Your honor, I have custody
this week, and I give mine.

HENRY CLAWSON: Swear
in the witness.

BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the
truth in the matter now

pending before this
court, so help you?

Sure.

Now, Matty, are you a child?

Yes, sir.

I see.

And how long have
you been a child?

Seven years.

Mm, that seems like
enough experience to me.

Matty, is there a Santa Claus.

Uh-huh.

How do you know?

'Cause Mama told me.

JONATHAN SMITH: Oh.

Do you see Santa Claus
anywhere in this courtroom?

Yeah, he's right there.

Hi, Santa.

[laughter]

Your honor, let the
record show that the witness

has indicated our client.

That was very good, Matty.

Thank you.

Your witness, counselor.

Hi, Matty.

Hi, Mom.

Uh, no questions, your honor.

Son, you may step down.

Thank you, sir.

JONATHAN SMITH: We
call Santa Claus.

BAILIFF: Santa Claus.

[crowd murmuring]

Do you swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the
truth in the matter now

pending before this
court, so help you?

So help me God.

How ya doin', Santa?

Hi, Jonathan.

Santa, aside from one other
person in this courtroom,

you know more about me than
anybody else in this world,

don't you?

Yes, Jonathan, I suppose I do.

And you know I've been
working on another case,

another assignment,
as it were, that

hasn't been going too well.

I know, kid.

I know.

So I'm going to ask
you to help me Santa

with my assignment, and
maybe, just maybe, it might

solve all of our problems.

I'll do anything I can.

You know that.

Santa, what did
Matty Burke tell

you he wanted for Christmas?

Oh, Jonathan, I
can't tell you that.

That's between the boy and me.

That's privileged information.

Matty?

It's OK, Santa.

Go ahead.

Santa, what did Matty tell
you he wanted more than anything

else in this world?

Well, he wanted his mom and
dad to stop fighting over him.

He wanted them to stop
using him to hurt each other

and to stop trying to
make him take sides.

The boy loves you both.

And he's living proof that
once you loved each other.

You're bound by the love your
child has for both of you.

And yet, you can't do the best
for your son if you're enemies.

Now, you may not
be married anymore,

but you're still his parents.

And you can't do
the best for him

if you're not friends, because,
with all your differences,

you still have
the most important

thing in the world in common.

You both love him.

Neither of you has to win, and
neither of you has to lose.

All you got to do is love your
son and work together, even

if you're apart, to raise him.

You know what I mean?

Your honor--

HENRY CLAWSON: Mr.
Newman, please be seated

and refrain from interrupting.

But I can save the
court a lot of time.

Let him go.

If he isn't Santa,
he ought to be.

[crowd murmuring]

You wish to drop
the injunction?

You bet I do.

Well, boys and
girls, looks like we're

never going to find out whether
I think he's Santa or not.

It's Christmas Eve.

Let's get out of here.

Case dismissed.

[applause]

Congratulations.

Yeah.

Mwah.

Yeah.

Come on, son, we got
a tree to decorate.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Merry Christmas, Matty.

See you Monday.

[music playing]

Maybe just this
once we could be

friends and spend it together.

What do you say?

You're on.

I got a client
to say goodbye to.

Where'd he go?

Where's Santa?

Mr. Burke, you
got to be kidding.

It's Christmas Eve.

[engine stalling]

Hey, Clarence, need a lift?

I guess.

If it's not one
thing, it's another.

I'd sure appreciate it, if
it's not out of your way.

No problem at all.

Your kids waiting
for you, Clarence?

Uh, no, they're over
their grandmothers.

I thought I'd be late tonight.

I'll pick them up
in the morning.

[laughs] That old fool, he's
really something, isn't he?

That he is.

Kind of made me wish
I was a kid again,

so I really could believe.

You know what I mean?

Believe me, I know
exactly what you mean.

Thanks a lot for the lift.

Hey, it was our pleasure.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Oh, Clarence.

Remember, there'll
always being Santa

Claus, because there'll always
be a little kid in all of us.

You have a Merry Christmas.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

[music playing]

[chugging]

[music playing]