All language subtitles for Highway.To.Heaven.S04E06.Playing.For.Keeps.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor (1)_track3_[eng]

[theme music]

[music playing]

[intercom buzzing]

Yep

SECRETARY (ON INTERCOM): Jackie
Cox here to see you, Mr Conrad.

Send 'em right in.

Jackie, come in.

It's good to see you.

I got a joke for you, Ben.

Ah?

Oh, you shouldn't smoke
these, they're terrible for you.

Oh.

Now this guy from Buffalo, he
saves up his whole life so he

can take the missus to Hawaii.

They fly to a O'ahu.

They lie in the sun,
have some Mai Tai's, do

the hula, grass skirts,
the whole thing.

Time of their lives.

Now the next thing you
know, this guy takes a dip,

has a heart attack and drowns.

Finish, kaput.

Now the wife flies him back,
takes him to a funeral home.

The mortician dresses him
up in his finest blue suit.

Now at the funeral
the guy's best friend

comes in, takes a look
at the open casket,

and goes over to pay his
respects to the missus.

He says, "Cecile,
John looks terrific.

" And she said, "He should,
he just got back from Hawaii."

That's a new one.

Boy, of course it's new.

I'm always working new
things into the act.

But what's the scoop?

Any jobs?

Not yet, Jackie.

Well, of course, it helps to
have an agent booking this act,

so we can try in all
his great new material.

I'm trying, Jackie.

I'm on the phone all day for you

I know that Ben.

Have you called Vegas?

Ah, they're booked
18 months ahead.

I headlined at
the Sands, now I

can't even get arrested there.

What about Atlantic City?

There's nothing
right now, Jackie.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, who wants
to go to New Jersey?

The weather's terrible.

Ha-ha.

What's the matter, Ben?

People don't want
to laugh anymore?

You gotta hang
in there, Jackie,

things will turn around.

[intercom buzzing]

Yeah?

SECRETARY (ON INTERCOM):
A Mr. Jonathan

Smith on line 2, Mr Conrad.

Ben Conrad.

Of course he's still around.

He's standing right
here in front of me.

Tell them I'm available.

Shh-shh.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Yeah, I've got it.

Right.

I'll give him the information.

Thank you, Mr Smith.

When you said things
would turn around,

you weren't kidding.

The guy who
called is a theater

director named Jonathan Smith.

Smith?
Never heard of him.

- Anyway--
- Jake Feldman in LA?

Them, I worked with.

Jackie, will you listen
to me for a second?

He's very interested in seeing
you for the lead role in a play

he's directing down
at Center Stage.

A play?

Ah, forget it.

Why?

Well, I'm a comedian, Ben.

I'm not an actor.

Hey, George Burns
was a comedian.

He won an Academy Award.

[birds chirping]

I cannot believe you
are directing a play.

I thought angels were people
who invested in plays,

not directed them.

There's a first time
for everything, Mark.

What's the name of the
play, "Heaven Can Wait?"

That's cute.

Miss Stevens?

Yes.

I'm Johnathan Smith.

Oh, thank God you've arrived.

This is Mark Gordon, my
set and costume designer.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

Why don't you have a seat.

Thank you.

Jonathan, I'm desperate.

My last director got hired
to do a Broadway musical.

I don't have a cast, and
the theaters in the red.

If this play isn't a
hit, I'm in big trouble.

We've already got
some actors in mind.

I need somebody
with box office clout.

We've got to pull
in an audience.

What about Rhett Clark?

Rhett Clark, the movie star?

The one who did "Poor
Little Rich Kid?"

That's the one.

What do you think?

Can you get him?

All I can do is try.

If you could get Rhett Clark,
that would be incredible.

Tell her who you called
to play the father.

Jackie Clark.

Who's Jackie Clark?

Oh, he was a big
name before your time,

but he's also Rhett
Clark's father.

Well, if you can
get Rhett Clark,

I don't care who
plays the father.

[chatter]

Rhett, you are the hottest
young actor in Hollywood.

Everybody wants to
do a movie with you.

Yeah, I know
that, Gary, I know.

You keep telling me.

So what's next?

Well, International
Film Corp. Is waving

big money in front of us.

They want to sign you to an
exclusive three-picture deal,

and I think you should do it.

Yeah, yeah.

OK, I'll think about it.

Excuse me.

Rhett Clark?

Yeah.

Rhett, you know this guy?

Never saw him before.

Well, my name's
Jonathan Smith.

I'm directing a play
here in Hollywood,

and I was hoping you'd
take a look at the script.

Excuse me.

Mr Clark accepts
scripts submissions

only through his agent.

Hey, you-- you're Gary
Sherman, aren't you?

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, well you're
Rhett's agent,

so why don't you submit
this to your client?

He's sitting at the
table next to you.

Look, old man, I'm
booked solid right now.

I don't have time to do a play.

Sorry.

Well, it would only take you
a couple of hours to read it.

I think you might
change your mind.

Look, Rhett is extremely busy.

You'll have to excuse us.

And I'm sorry for
interrupting you,

but this happens to be
a great part for Rhett.

It's a play about
a man and his son

who never got to
know each other.

Look, Smith, 20 unknown hacks
a day barge in here trying

to shove scripts at Rhett.

Now, we're not interested.

Oh, that's a shame.

I was hoping to get your father
to act in the play with you.

My father?

Rhett, we're talking
a three pic deal.

You can't even
consider doing a play.

Hang on a minute, Gary.

Did my father say that he was
interested in doing this play?

No, not yet.

But I have a feeling he
would if you do it with him.

I'll take a look at it.

OK.

I'll get back to you.

Rhett, are you crazy?

I have got a million dollar
deal in the offering,

and you're thinking
about doing some play

at a rinky-dink theater?

Gary, this is my career.

I hire you to work for me.

You remember that.

Mr. Clark, if you
have any questions,

you can reach me at the
Center Stage Theater.

The number's right
there on the script.

You have a nice lunch.

Rhett.

Oh, Rhett.

[sighs]

When I was a kid,
you were never home.

I was working.

I had a family to feed.

You know, it would have been
nice to sit down to dinner

like a family once in a while.

Sure, it would have been nice.

But there wouldn't have
been food on the table

if I wasn't out there
on the road working.

Sure you were.

And what's that
supposed to mean?

It means you liked
it on the road.

You liked being
with your friends

more than you did
your own family.

I did it because
that's what I had to do,

and I did it the best way.

Thank you very
much, gentlemen.

We'll be in touch as soon
as we make a decision.

That's it.

No more auditions for today.

How are you doing?

Rhett, good to see you.

Yeah.

Brett, this is Margo
Stevens, artistic director

of the theater.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

Nice meeting you.

You get a chance
to read the play?

Yeah, yeah I did.

It's great.

Reminds me a lot of
me and my old man.

Please tell me that you came
here to say that you'll do it.

Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.

Only one thing.

You name it.

I'm only going to do the
play if my dad does it with me.

Well, I'm afraid your father
turned the role down today.

Well, that's before he
knew I was going to be in it.

I don't understand why
you turned down the play.

You read it, you liked it.

I can't do a play
in this town, Ben.

Why not?

Why not, he asks.

I do a play, and it looks
like I'm not working.

But you're not working.

Listen, Mr Brilliant Ben,
who can't get me a job.

Now, all of a sudden I show up
in a play in some theater that

looks like a condemned
building, and everybody

in Hollywood's saying, Jackie
Clark's career's in the gutter.

Will you forget it?

Anything else, boys?

Yeah, Julie.

Give my grandfather the check,
and me your phone number.

You'll have to
settle for the check.

Jackie, it's work.

Ben, I don't want to work.

Why do you think I
became a comedian?

OK.

Good-bye.

No, no.

Give me that.

Jackie, I'm paying the check.

No, no, no you don't, No.

No.

No, we split the check in half.

You get the half with
the amount on it.

Jackie, you're nuts.

Crazy, bananas, nuts.

I never could do that trick.

The lobby's full of people.

We'll get a few more and
we'll play some cards.

Hiya, Dad.

Will you look at this.

Rhett.

Will you look at this?

A year I haven't seen him
and he gives me a handshake.

Give me a kiss on the lips.

What's the matter,
you're embarrassed?

Rhett, you know Ben Conrad.

Of course he knows me.

How are you, Rhett?

How is he?

Well, he's a star,
takes after his old man

I saw your last picture,
Rhett, you were terrific.

Thanks, Ben.

Oh, what's terrific?

That's not acting.

The kid's a looker.

The camera loves a pretty face.

Takes after his mother.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Dad, I'd like you to
meet two friends of mine,

Jonathan Smith and Mark Gordon.

Pleasure to meet
you, Mr Clark.

One of your biggest fans.

Jonathan Smith, the director?

I'm afraid that's me.

I figured Mr Clark could
turn me down on the phone,

but he wouldn't do it in person.

You-- you all know each other?

Sure, Dad.

I'm going to be doing a
play down at Center Stage

with Jonathan and Mark.

You?

In a play?

Yup.

Figure it's time to branch out.

You know, I've been
doing movies for a while

and I'd like to
try some theater.

You mean, you and me almost
was in a play together?

Dad, we still can.

What do you say, Pop?

It'll be a gas.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I--I but I--

I-- no, I can't.

I'm booked into a big club.

Couldn't you
postpone the club date?

It's not a problem, Jackie.

I can reschedule it.

Sure would be something.

Two generations of the Clarks
on stage together, same time.

Come on, Dad.

We're going to knock 'em dead.

Well, I--I-- I
don't know, this--

But this play is
kind of serious.

There's not a lot of yucks.

Mr Clark, if you could do
comedy, you can do anything.

You'd be great at
it, believe me.

And the check's
in the mail, huh?

Of course, how often
does a father and son

get a chance to work
together in this business?

So then you'll do it?

I'll do it.

Listen, Dad, I
gotta run right now,

but I'll see you tomorrow
afternoon at rehearsal, OK?

I'll see you.

Probably got a hot date.

[music playing]

How are you feeling, Dad ?

If I was feeling any
good, would I be in here?

Dad, that's not the line.

What dad are you
talking to, the one

in the play or the real one?

Both.

Are you trying to tell
me how to say my lines?

Jackie.

Rhett's right.

The line's not in the play.

But of course it's
not in the play.

I ad-libbed it.

Well, you can't
ad-lib in a play.

Jackie Clark can't ad-lib?

I'm the greatest ad-lib
guy in the business.

You don't make it in
comedy if you don't ad-lib.

Dad, this isn't a comedy.

It's a drama.

Well, that's the problem.

It's not funny.

Look Jackie, let's--

let's take it from the top
without the ad-libs, OK?

OK.

Your the director Hey, Mark.

When are we going
to get the costumes?

I can't be dressed like this.

I mean, what if
people should laugh?

God forbid people
should chuckle.

Oh, listen.

Jackie, we'll have
the costumes today.

OK, Jackie.

Come in.

OK, ready.

Did I ever tell you
about my husband?

Gilbert was a very jealous man.

He was jealous of my looks.

He figured anybody who looked
like this had to stay faithful.

Ho, that's funny.

Jackie, come on,
what are you doing?

What am I doing?

Well, Aunt Jackie.

She's the most popular
character in my act.

We're not doing your act, Dad.

In case you haven't noticed,
we're doing a play here.

When people pay $20
to see Jackie Clarke,

they want Aunt Jackie.

Hey, will you get
it through your head?

They're paying to see somebody
else besides you up here.

Look, you want to do it with
a dress and a wig, fine.

But I'm out of here.

Kid has no sense of humor.

He's always been like this.

Couldn't get his own way,
he storms out of the room.

Why don't we call it a day?

We'll pick up again tomorrow
when everybody's fresh, huh?

OK.

[music playing]

[knocking]

Hey, mind if we come in?

You're in, aren't you?

That father of yours is
quite a character, is he?

Yeah, he's a
character all right.

Never been much of a father,
but he's a character.

You know, when I was growing
up, we never had talks.

Dad just did his routines.

Mom and I watched.

I had a problem, I had
to talk to Aunt Jackie.

Never my father.

Come on.

That's all in the past.

In the past?

He's pulling the same garbage.

Come on, man.

You saw what he
did, you were there.

I saw what he did.

Look, you're a successful
actor now, yourself.

I think it's a little hard
for your father to take.

Come on, why don't
you relax a little?

Don't let them get
to you so much.

He gets to me.

What can I say?

He's a clown.

Don't you think you're
being a little hard on him?

Look, what are you in
here talking to me for?

Why aren't you
setting him straight?

I intend to talk to him.

He's just a little
nervous now, that's all.

Try obnoxious.

Come on, look this is
the first dramatic play

your father's ever been in.

It's just going to take him
some time to get into it.

By putting on a dress?

I'll take care of
your Dad, I promise you.

Meanwhile, I have to
know I can count on you.

I've got people lining
up to see this play.

I want it to be a great one.

You know why people are
lining up to see this show?

To see me, Rhett Clark.

Not some washed up old comedian
who dresses up like a woman.

No business like
show business.

Come on in.

Have a seat.

Can I get you some
coffee, Miss Stevens?

No, thank you.

Tea?

No, nothing.

I have herbal, Mandarin
orange, cinnamon and spice?

I'm fine.

What was it you wanted
to talk to me about?

Well, I understand
that you're sold

out for the run of the show.

Ah, yes.

Audiences are very
interested in seeing Rhett.

Sure they are, he's terrific.

And because it is Rhett
that's selling your tickets,

we've decided that
we'd like to change

the billing on all the TV,
the radio, and the print ads

and on the marquee.

We want Rhett's name
alone, above the title.

Well, you're the one that
insisted on equal billing

for your father.

It's not negotiable,
Miss Stevens.

I'm sorry, but if Rhett
doesn't get top billing,

he'll have no recourse
but to leave the show.

There you go.

Thank you, sir.

You bet.

Jonathan, this is living.

- Oh, you like this, huh?
- Like it?

Are you kidding?

What's not to like?

Got room service, maid
service, wake up service.

I mean, this is service.

Well, what are we watching?

It's Rhett.

Oh, Jon.

Give me a break, will you?

Can 't we watch somebody else
in something for a change?

Just watch this
interview, he's

supposed to be on with Jackie.

They're going to to promo
the play a little bit.

I'm here with Rhett
Clark, one of the fastest

rising stars in Hollywood.

Hi Rhett.

Hi, Katie.

Rhett, your last film has
been a tremendous success.

Thank you.

Now, tell us about
your next project.

Well, Katie, I'm going
to be doing a play down

at the Center Stage Theater.

It's called "Final Passage."

That's great.

And you're playing
the lead, correct?

That's right.

Now, I understand your
father, the comedian Jackie

Clark's, in the play, too.

Yeah, my dad's in it with me.

Well, we're sorry
that he couldn't come

with you on the show today.

Yeah, me too.

And I asked him to come,
but he couldn't make it.

I see.

I thought Jackie was
supposed to be on the show.

He was.

Rhett lied and never told
them about the interview.

[music playing]

What are you doing?

I'm putting up a sign, what
does it look like I'm doing?

I gave up Vegas to be
humiliated like this?

What's the matter, Mr Clark?

What's the matter she asked.

Somebody decided to put
my son's name above mine,

that's what's the matter.

Yes, I did.

Without consulting me first?

I'm afraid I haven't
much of a choice.

Rhett and his agent insisted
that he get top billing.

It wasn't negotiable.

If I didn't give it to him, he
threatened to leave the play.

Mr Hotshot did this?

My own son?

Well, fine.

Let him have top billing.

Let him do the play by himself.

Don't be taking this thing
on any joyrides to impress

your girlfriend, OK pal?

Yeah, I'll try and
fight off the temptation.

[music playing]

I'm telling you, Brett,
you've got to work the room,

work the room.

Everybody here wants
to do business with us.

Gary, I don't want to
do any business today.

I want to party.

Oh, come on, it's easy.

You smile, you say hello, you
pretend like you're listening

to everything they're saying.

And then you tell
them, talk to my agent.

Rhett!

I want to talk to
you for a minute.

Alone, if you don't mind.

Jonathan, could
we get back to you?

Gary, old buddy, why don't
we get a bite to eat together?

Why don't we go outside?

OK, Smith.

What do you want
to talk about now?

I want to know
what you were trying

to prove by putting your
name over your father's

on the marquee?

Wasn't my idea,
it was my agent's.

Come on, you expect
me to believe that?

Gary works for you, remember?

I don't care whether
you believe it or not.

Look, I'm bigger box
office than he is, right?

My name deserves to
be above the titles.

And what about your
father, doesn't he

deserve a little respect?

Respect's a two-way street.

Where's mine from him?

Your father respects you.

Get off it.

I get 50 letters a
day from my fan club.

I hear from him,
maybe, once a year.

And how many times do
you go to see him a year?

Come on, how many times
do you go see him?

You know, he told
me the only time

he gets to see you is
when you have a film open,

and then he pays his
money to see you.

OK, so I'm busy.

Oh, I thought it
was a two-way street?

Yeah, well, now he's
going to respect me.

Because I got my name
up in lights over his.

Do you really
believe that having

your name in bright lights is
what makes people respect you?

That's the name of the
game in this business.

We're not talking
about business,

we're talking about your father.

Well, now he'll respect me.

Because I'm more successful than
he is, and he can't stand it.

What is all this to you, anyway?

Your father said
he won't do the play

unless he gets equal billing,
and I don't blame him.

So, he'll go do his
dumb act in Vegas.

No great loss.

You really don't
know him, do you?

I know him inside and out.

Oh, no you don't.

If you did, you'd know
there is no Las Vegas,

there is no Atlantic City,
there are no club dates.

Your father hasn't had a job
offer in over six months.

What?

This play is the first work
that he's had in half a year.

A chance for him to do
what he loves the most,

to be back on the stage again.

God, don't take
that away from him.

What are you doing out here?

Come on.

Sid Ross has a deal
you won't believe.

Hey, I am talking Sid Ross.

Come on, Rhett.

[music playing]

HI, Dad.

Aren't you too important
to be talking to me?

Listen, I heard about
the club dates in Vegas.

I'm sorry.

Well, what about them?

You-- You know what
I'm talking about.

Who told you, Ben?

No, Dad, Ben didn't tell me.

Well, who?

It doesn't matter who told me.

You should have told me.

You never ask.

I asked, Dad.

Every time I ask, you
say everything's great.

You came in here for the
corned beef or to argue?

Mr Clark, I think there's
been a little misunderstanding.

I'm the one responsible for
Rhett's getting top billing.

Rhett had nothing to do with it.

That's the truth?

As God is my witness,
but I just want to tell you

that everything's
cleared up now.

From now on, you and
Rhett, equal billing.

Now, if you came here
to pity me, forget it.

Come on, Dad.

It's over, it was a mistake.

Now, are we going to do
this play together or not?

Well, I have to
think about it.

Dad.

Hey, you're a trooper, right?

You always told me,
"the show must go on."

OK.

OK, I'll do it.

[chatter]

You look nervous.

Well, this is
first assignment I've

gotten from the boss that's
being reviewed by the press.

Hey, don't worry about it.

Jackie and Rhett will be fine.

I hope so.

Come on, let's get backstage.

[knocking]

Places, Jackie.

How's the audience?

You got a full house.

Last time I had a full house
the guy sitting across from me

had a straight flush.

I lost everything.

I have a feeling tonight's
going to be the night.

Well.

When I was a kid,
you were never home.

Well, I was working,
I had a family to feed.

And what are you going to say?

I never had dinner with you?

Well, it would
have been nice, you

know, if you came home to dinner
like a family once in a while.

Sure, it would have been nice.

But there wouldn't have
been any food on the table

If I hadn't been
out on the road.

Who are you kidding?

What is that supposed to mean?

You like being on the road.

You like being with your friends
more than with your own family.

I did what I do best.

Now, I provided for you,
and all I get is abuse,

Yeah, well you never gave
me credit for anything.

The only credit you know
comes from credit cards,

and you don't mind using them.

I knew I shouldn't--

I should have never come
here to see you today.

[light applause]

It's not what they mean
by "break a leg," kid.

Oh, that's funny.

Well, it's the only
funny thing so far tonight.

Did you look at that audience?

They were coughing,
sleeping, and leaving.

Not what I would call engrossed.

Yeah, and whose fault is that?

Well, to be blunt, it's yours.

What the hell are
you talking about?

All right, what's the matter?

He's dying on me out
there and blaming it on me.

Well, of course
I'm dying out there,

that's the role I'm playing.

I'm on my death bed.

The problem is we're both
dying and it's only act 1.

Yelling at each other isn't
going to help matters any,

is it?

Well, he's right.

But I know audiences,
Mr. Movie Star.

We're losing them,
we gotta pick it up.

Why don't you
remember your lines?

That isn't easy when I
gotta say yours for you, too.

- You're throwing me off.
- Me?

How many times you been on stage
in your life, counting tonight?

What is it, once?

You just can't
admit it, can you?

Admit what?

Your timing's gone.

Why don't you admit
it, you're washed up.

Don't you ever say
that to me again.

You lost your stuff, Dad.

Face it.

Jackie, stop it.

You've hurt each other
enough in your lives,

isn't it time you stopped?

You're both supposed
to be professionals.

And there's an audience
out there that paid

good money to see the show.

Uh, Jonathan's right.

The show must go on.

I am so sick of that line.

I remember being in the high
school play while you were

on the road doing your act.

And you never showed up,
because the show had to go on.

In the hospital, getting my
appendix out, never saw you.

The show had to go on.

That's all that ever mattered
to you, doing your dumb act

and your dumb dress.

I embarrass him.

Come on.

He's just upset because
the play's not going well.

He'll get over it.

No, I saw it in his eyes.

I embarrassed him.

I always embarrassed him.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe I am all washed up.

[music playing]

Margo, darling.

How are you?

Hello, Katie.

Enjoying the show?

That Rhett Clark's a
handsome boy, isn't he?

And

Oh, isn't he a
good-looking young man?

What do you think of the play?

I wish you hadn't asked.

If it doesn't pick up in act
two, I'm not recommending it.

Ooh.

Excuse me.

Any progress?

Jackie is still
really down on himself.

Jonathan is with him right now.

Mark, intermission
is almost over.

Are they doing act two?

Just give Jonathan a
couple more minutes, OK?

You know, I just
figured it out.

My own son set me up.

What do you mean
he set you up?

He set me up, exposed
me to public ridicule.

And how did he do that?

He wanted me to do
this play because he

knew I've seen better days.

He knew I'd make a
fool out of myself

in front of that
audience tonight.

You know, blaming Rhett
isn't going to help you any.

I embarrass him, Jonathan.

He thinks I'm a silly old clown.

All his life he's thought that.

Now tonight, he's
getting back at me.

You believe what
he said tonight,

about your being washed up?

Well, it happens to
the best, Jonathan.

A few stay up all
their lives, but--

well, that's Newton's Law.

What goes up doesn't
necessarily stay up.

So what are you
going to do, give up?

You've had bad nights before.

Never as bad as this.

August 3, 1962.

The Friars Club
in New York City.

You were going
right in the toilet.

How do you know about that?

I told you.

I've been following
your career for years.

Ooh, was I bad that night.

But you pulled it out.

It's the night you introduced
Aunt Jackie to the audience.

Yeah, the audience
went bananas.

Ah, but this is different.

Half the audience
is already gone.

The critics are
going to crucify me.

Tomorrow the world will know
that Jackie Clark's a flop.

Stop it.

You know, for your information,
the world wants to give Jackie

Clark every chance to succeed.

It's Jackie Clark who won't
give himself a chance.

[knocking]

Is there going
to be an act two?

If not I have to go out
and make an announcement.

What do you say Jackie?

I never missed a
performance in my life.

I'm not about to start now.

I'm not coming here to
see you tomorrow, Dad.

I'm going home.

OK

Well, I was hoping maybe you
and me could talk before I go.

Fine, but don't
talk to loud or I

won't be able to hear the TV.

This food is terrible.

Who caters this,
the Salvation Army?

I

Don't know.

Look.

Look at this apple,
there's a worm in here

and he's wearing
a surgical mask.

[laughter]

Dad, what the hell
are you trying to do?

I tell you what I'm not doing,
I am not eating this food.

$1,700 a day, they
charge me, $200 a day

for food I don't get
that I can't eat.

Ah, but hospitals,
they're smart.

Oh, they know how to
do repeat business.

They fix you up then they
give you the bill, which

gives you another heart attack.

[laughter]

Jonathan, That's
not in the play.

Yeah, I know.

I've heard of diets before,
but this is ridiculous.

The Scarsdale Diet,
the No Diet Diet.

Mine is the no food diet.

[laughter]

The only other person I know
was on this diet besides me

was Mahatma Gandhi.

[laughter]

All I eat are pills.

Yes, doctor gives
me these pills.

These are for my heart.

Nitroglycerin.

Smart, if I go over a bump after
I take one of these, I blow up.

[laughter]

No.

Dad, you can't.

Dad, don't do this,
you can do this, Dad.

Oh, yes I can.

When I came into this hospital
they said I might die.

They didn't say of starvation.

Well, I'm dying, all right.

I'm dying to get out.

Dad, you can't do this.

I'm not letting you
get away with this.

Try and stop me.

I'm going for a
corned beef sandwich.

Dad, are you crazy?

That's a good idea.

If I get caught I'll say I'm
from the psychiatric ward.

Will you just
stop cracking jokes?

For once in your life,
will you just be yourself?

Well, this is me, son.

This is your father.

You're not my father.

You're a clown.

Yes, I am.

Some people God put on
this earth to be doctors.

Others, lawyers.

The man upstairs took one
look at this kisser of mine

and he broke up laughing.

He said, "Clark,
you're a clown."

Is it wrong to
make people laugh?

They laughed.

They made fun of me.

All the kids at
school laughed at you.

Yeah, but they laughed,
that's what counts.

You know, I always thought
it was the parents who

couldn't accept the children.

But not with you.

Oh, no, not with you, my boy.

It's the other way around.

Why can't you accept
me for the way I am?

Because--

Because what?

You were never home.

I know.

All I wanted, Dad, was
to have a regular father

like all the other kids had.

I know.

They went to work at 9:00, came
home in 5:00 and wore pants.

Unlike your old man, who
went to work in January,

came home in June,
and wore dresses.

Don't you understand?

I-- I missed you.

What?

And I didn't miss you?

Why, every time I left
home, I felt awful.

I said-- I figure, don't let
the boy see you sad, Jackie.

Put on a happy
face in this life.

The world's sad enough as it is.

I wanted to be like other
fathers, I couldn't help it.

I was just funnier.

Why are you crying?

I-- I don't know.

Yes, you do.

You're crying because
now we can be together,

and we don't know how.

But we can try.

We can start all over
like we first met.

You want to try?

Yeah, OK.

Give me a kiss on the lips.

Dad, come on.

Are you embarrassed of me?

Your own mother?

No, there's people here.

Oh the hell with them.

Show 'em you're not embarrassed.

[music playing]

[applause]

Charlie, the curtain.

[applause]

[whistles and cat calling]

I got to hand it to you,
you really saved the show.

You were cooking at
the end there, yourself.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, do we take this show on
the road together, or what?

Yeah, sure.

Sounds like fun.

But no dress.

What do you mean, no dress?

I mean, Dad, the
dress isn't negotiable.

Are you kidding?

The whole act's the dress.

They love the dress.

OK.

The dress stays.

[music playing]

[theme music]