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1
00:00:01,968 --> 00:00:06,801
(Pachelbel's "Canon in D"
concluding)
2
00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,300
Ben, son of Ben,
3
00:00:10,367 --> 00:00:11,601
do you take
this woman
4
00:00:11,667 --> 00:00:13,267
for your lawful
wedded wife?
5
00:00:13,334 --> 00:00:14,434
I do.
6
00:00:14,501 --> 00:00:15,567
And Dana Katherine,
7
00:00:15,634 --> 00:00:18,167
daughter of unbelievably
gorgeous gentiles,
8
00:00:18,234 --> 00:00:19,434
do you take this man
9
00:00:19,501 --> 00:00:21,300
for your lawful
wedded husband?
10
00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:22,434
I do.
11
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,534
I'll hurry before
she regains her sight.
12
00:00:27,601 --> 00:00:31,200
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
13
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,801
(cheering)
14
00:00:36,868 --> 00:00:39,267
("Hava Nagila" plays)
15
00:00:47,601 --> 00:00:49,367
I don't know where
Duckman could be.
16
00:00:49,434 --> 00:00:52,067
The New York Pornography
Expo ended three days ago.
17
00:00:52,133 --> 00:00:53,467
Why isn't he back yet?
18
00:00:53,534 --> 00:00:54,634
I'm sure Duckman's fine.
19
00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:56,868
Besides, it might be worse
if he does show up.
20
00:00:56,934 --> 00:00:59,634
Bernice is going to
reveal her secret today,
21
00:00:59,701 --> 00:01:01,734
and, well, when
Duckman finds out...
22
00:01:01,801 --> 00:01:05,267
It'll make Bosnia look like
a foot rub from Perry Como.
23
00:01:05,334 --> 00:01:06,968
Duckman's never seen
Ben's bride.
24
00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:09,400
Can you imagine what
he's going to say to Dana
25
00:01:09,467 --> 00:01:11,200
when he sees
how beautiful she is?
26
00:01:11,267 --> 00:01:12,801
I once saw him do ten minutes
27
00:01:12,868 --> 00:01:14,534
of insultingly crude
and leering come-ons
28
00:01:14,601 --> 00:01:17,300
to a heavily veiled Iraqi
transsexual in a full body cast.
29
00:01:17,367 --> 00:01:19,133
When he meets
this incredible woman...
30
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,701
She's so wonderful
31
00:01:20,767 --> 00:01:22,267
and he's so...
32
00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:23,300
well...
33
00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:24,734
Unbelievably lucky?
34
00:01:24,801 --> 00:01:25,734
Yeah.
35
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:28,067
But they sure
are happy.
36
00:01:28,133 --> 00:01:31,133
Yeah. Weddings, you know.
37
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,567
Yeah.
38
00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:37,901
* Oh, I am the Duckman *
39
00:01:37,968 --> 00:01:40,734
* Oh, Duckman, I gotta be,
I am *
40
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:41,901
* Duckman... *
41
00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,033
Dad.
42
00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:44,067
Hey, hey, hey.
43
00:01:44,133 --> 00:01:45,400
Dad, where
have you been?
44
00:01:45,467 --> 00:01:47,501
You've even beaten your
previous tardiness record
45
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,567
which you set at your
grandmother's funeral.
46
00:01:49,634 --> 00:01:50,634
Yeah, I remember.
47
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:52,767
No way I leave an
REO Speedwagon concert
48
00:01:52,834 --> 00:01:54,501
before they play
"Roll with the Changes."
49
00:01:54,567 --> 00:01:56,133
Look, I'll explain when
we get to our table.
50
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,901
We're not at your table.
51
00:01:57,968 --> 00:02:00,033
We're stuck at
the kiddy table
52
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:01,934
with all the
neighbor kids.
53
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,501
Scott Desalvo
keeps touching me.
54
00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:05,133
It's creepy.
55
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,000
Just come over
to our table in
a little bit
56
00:02:07,067 --> 00:02:08,100
'cause I have
some news.
57
00:02:08,167 --> 00:02:09,100
And bring Ajax.
58
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:10,100
Where is he, anyway?
59
00:02:10,167 --> 00:02:12,267
Over there.
60
00:02:12,334 --> 00:02:14,267
Dr. and Mrs. Stein,
61
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:16,534
thank you for inviting me
to your wedding.
62
00:02:16,601 --> 00:02:18,467
I hope you are blessed
with a child
63
00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:21,000
and that it is a masculine child
64
00:02:21,067 --> 00:02:22,634
and, um...
65
00:02:22,701 --> 00:02:24,000
damn.
66
00:02:24,067 --> 00:02:26,234
Dr. and Mrs. Stein,
67
00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:27,467
thank you for inviting me...
68
00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:29,601
Once you can move him
without waking him,
69
00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:31,267
come on over.
70
00:02:33,467 --> 00:02:34,801
Talk about
your party animals
71
00:02:34,868 --> 00:02:36,467
what time is
your next blink?
72
00:02:36,534 --> 00:02:38,267
Where have you been?
Are you all right?
73
00:02:38,334 --> 00:02:39,701
Duckman, we've
been waiting.
74
00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:41,300
I'm tip-top from top to tip.
75
00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:43,100
I'm sorry if you were worried,
but I'll explain everything.
76
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,200
Where's Bernice?
77
00:02:44,267 --> 00:02:48,033
Um, she and her date
must be running late.
78
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,334
Bernice has a date?
79
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,267
I thought the escort
services banned her for biting.
80
00:02:51,334 --> 00:02:52,300
They did.
81
00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:53,567
This isn't
an escort.
82
00:02:53,634 --> 00:02:55,167
She's...
seeing someone.
83
00:02:55,234 --> 00:02:57,601
In fact, it's
someone you know.
84
00:02:57,667 --> 00:02:59,501
Well, that rules out
my sons' teachers,
85
00:02:59,567 --> 00:03:01,567
my elected officials
and everyone on UPN.
86
00:03:01,634 --> 00:03:03,567
So, who's Lizzie Boredom
been whacking?
87
00:03:03,634 --> 00:03:07,901
Is every
b-b-body happy?
88
00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:09,000
King chicken!
89
00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:10,901
You and him!
Him and you!
90
00:03:10,968 --> 00:03:13,067
Before you get your 'roids
ruffled, listen up.
91
00:03:13,133 --> 00:03:14,334
We're in love!
92
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,434
That's right,
I, your arch enemy
93
00:03:16,501 --> 00:03:18,934
and he, your arch nemesis
are an item.
94
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,067
We're sick of sneaking
around behind your back.
95
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:25,133
We're here, we sneer,
we jeer, get used to it.
96
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,300
You two are going
out together?
97
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:31,467
(laughs)
98
00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:33,567
Well, he seems to be
taking it well.
99
00:03:33,634 --> 00:03:34,868
Yeah, that's what
Stanford White said
100
00:03:34,934 --> 00:03:36,868
when Harry Thaw showed
up at the Garden.
101
00:03:36,934 --> 00:03:38,634
They're called books, kids.
102
00:03:38,701 --> 00:03:39,634
Try reading one.
103
00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:46,000
I've never seen Dad
look like this before.
104
00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:48,167
He looks... happy.
105
00:03:48,234 --> 00:03:50,334
Duckman, what's going on?
106
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,167
I'm sorry, really.
107
00:03:52,234 --> 00:03:53,434
This is just
too perfect.
108
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:54,434
Duckman...
109
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:55,934
glad you could come.
110
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,434
Baron von Dockenstein.
111
00:03:58,501 --> 00:04:00,801
Rocky congratsiano to
you and the blusher.
112
00:04:00,868 --> 00:04:02,834
While I haven't a clue
what you're saying
113
00:04:02,901 --> 00:04:05,901
I'll take your air of
bonhomie at face value.
114
00:04:05,968 --> 00:04:06,968
What you said.
115
00:04:07,033 --> 00:04:08,734
So, where is the old
trouble and strife?
116
00:04:08,801 --> 00:04:10,133
Let's see what made this
117
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,234
miss a hit.
118
00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:12,300
WOMAN:
Hi.
119
00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:14,467
Why is everyone sneaking
up behind me today?
120
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:17,801
(celestial theme playing)
121
00:04:17,868 --> 00:04:20,767
Everyone, this
is my lovely bride,
122
00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:23,167
Dana Renard.
123
00:04:23,234 --> 00:04:25,968
Dana, this is Charles
and Mambo and Ajax
124
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:28,968
and their aunt Bev,
her boyfriend Cornfed,
125
00:04:29,033 --> 00:04:30,801
his partner Duckman,
126
00:04:30,868 --> 00:04:32,667
his sister-in-law
Bernice,
127
00:04:32,734 --> 00:04:34,501
her boyfriend King Chicken
128
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:37,300
and his cousin,
international film star
129
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:38,667
Kevin Bacon.
130
00:04:39,834 --> 00:04:42,767
Ben-o, beaucoupsde mazel tovs.
131
00:04:42,834 --> 00:04:44,400
And Dana,
congratulations
132
00:04:44,467 --> 00:04:45,901
on being able to
see what a kind
133
00:04:45,968 --> 00:04:48,968
and caring person
Stein's got stashed
inside.
134
00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:51,601
(chuckling):
Oh, thank you, Duckman.
135
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,334
I'm glad you'll be
our neighbor.
136
00:04:54,801 --> 00:04:57,067
He's really nice.
137
00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:01,567
What a great couple.
138
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:02,634
All right, who are you
139
00:05:02,701 --> 00:05:04,267
and what have you
done with Duckman?
140
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:05,667
(laughs)
141
00:05:05,734 --> 00:05:08,000
Bernice, I don't blame you
for being confused.
142
00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:10,334
The truth is, I have something
to tell all of you.
143
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:11,834
I'm in love,
144
00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:14,400
and you'll never believe
who with.
145
00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:16,901
She must still be out
looking for a parking...
146
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:17,968
Whoa!
147
00:05:18,033 --> 00:05:19,334
Here I am.
148
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,501
My little lover man.
149
00:05:21,567 --> 00:05:23,167
ALL:
Honey Chicken?!
150
00:05:23,234 --> 00:05:24,267
Hi, y'all.
151
00:05:24,334 --> 00:05:25,701
So, can you believe it?
152
00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:28,834
Me and Duckman an item.
153
00:05:28,901 --> 00:05:32,067
Honey and Duckman?
154
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:34,334
Hey, what are you
doing here?
155
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,934
He's with me,
and we're in love.
156
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,534
Really? Well...
157
00:05:38,601 --> 00:05:41,367
then what's the big deal to
Kingy if we see each other?
158
00:05:41,434 --> 00:05:43,167
Yeah, what's it
to you, King?
159
00:05:43,234 --> 00:05:45,367
Yeah, what's it
to you, King?
160
00:05:45,434 --> 00:05:48,367
Why, nothing,
of course.
161
00:05:48,434 --> 00:05:50,100
Duckman, how did
this happen?
162
00:05:50,167 --> 00:05:51,868
It's a really
romantic story.
163
00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:53,133
You tell them,
Honey.
164
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,434
Oh, I'm no good with stories.
165
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:56,968
Well, okay.
166
00:05:57,033 --> 00:05:59,868
A few months ago, I realized
I couldn't control my drinking
167
00:05:59,934 --> 00:06:01,567
'cause I was always drunk.
168
00:06:01,634 --> 00:06:02,801
I'd hit bottom.
169
00:06:02,868 --> 00:06:04,300
So I divorced Kingy.
170
00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:07,367
I set out to somehow
change my life.
171
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,067
It was tough
172
00:06:09,133 --> 00:06:11,033
but I managed
to get sober
173
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,868
and so far, stay sober.
174
00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:16,868
So, to celebrate, I decided
to take a trip to New York.
175
00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:18,133
Here's the me part.
Here's the me part.
176
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,467
That's right,
honey bunny.
177
00:06:22,534 --> 00:06:27,734
Who was I seated next to on theflight to New York but Duckman.
178
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:38,234
But then the plane developed,uh, engine trouble.
179
00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:39,968
There's a monster
on the wing!
180
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,667
There's a monster
on the wing!
181
00:06:47,367 --> 00:06:50,300
HONEY:
We thought we weregoing to die.
182
00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:52,534
(screaming)
183
00:06:59,234 --> 00:07:01,501
HONEY:
Fortunately, the captainwas able to make
184
00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:03,901
an emergency landing.
185
00:07:06,234 --> 00:07:09,133
We were bruised and shaken.
186
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,601
Mostly bruised.
187
00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:13,567
But we were alive
188
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,834
and we realizedwe were also in love.
189
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,934
(projector buzzing)
190
00:07:21,968 --> 00:07:23,300
By the time
we got to New York
191
00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:24,968
all we wanted to do
was be with each other.
192
00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:27,434
Right, cutie butt?
193
00:07:27,501 --> 00:07:30,167
You better believe it,
my little chitlin goo.
194
00:07:30,234 --> 00:07:34,167
I knew Honey was beautiful
and sexy and sweet and kind.
195
00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:36,067
But I also saw how strong she is
196
00:07:36,133 --> 00:07:38,834
and how brave and how much
she believes in me.
197
00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:42,200
And I want to see it every day
for the rest of my life.
198
00:07:42,267 --> 00:07:44,367
Duckman,
199
00:07:44,434 --> 00:07:46,968
you magnificently
sentimental bastard.
200
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:49,133
Are you asking
Honey to marry you?
201
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,200
Oh, uh, well, uh...
202
00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:54,367
Don't answer that,
Duckman.
203
00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:56,334
I have something
to say.
204
00:07:58,934 --> 00:08:01,801
Bernice, what
the idiot said
205
00:08:01,868 --> 00:08:03,734
touched me deep inside
206
00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:06,634
where my desire
meets my longing
207
00:08:06,701 --> 00:08:08,634
and causes love
to bubble
208
00:08:08,701 --> 00:08:11,734
over the side
of the glass
that is my heart.
209
00:08:11,801 --> 00:08:14,133
You should tilt your heart
when you pour longing in.
210
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:20,334
Bernice, this seems
incredibly coincidental,
211
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,934
but will you marry me?
212
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:23,934
But... should we?
213
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,467
Do you think it
would work?
214
00:08:25,534 --> 00:08:27,801
I mean, what do we
really have in common
215
00:08:27,868 --> 00:08:30,501
other than an unquenchable
lust for each other
216
00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:31,934
and a hatred of Duckman?
217
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,701
There's only one way
to find out.
218
00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:36,200
In the movie Clue,
219
00:08:36,267 --> 00:08:37,767
which was your
favorite ending?
220
00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:39,801
A, B or C?
221
00:08:39,868 --> 00:08:42,868
Why choose when the video
cassette has all three?
222
00:08:42,934 --> 00:08:46,300
Oh, baby, will you marry me?
223
00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:48,267
Yes!
224
00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:53,901
Boy, real life really is
stranger than fiction.
225
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:58,267
Duckman, were you really
asking me to marry you?
226
00:08:58,334 --> 00:09:01,467
Well, as a matter...
227
00:09:01,534 --> 00:09:02,767
Duckman, I'm sorry to
interrupt you
228
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,067
but strange
as it may seem
229
00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:05,334
I'm going for
the hat trick.
230
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,701
Bev, no relationship
I've ever been in
231
00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:08,801
feels this
right,
232
00:09:08,868 --> 00:09:10,133
and I've dated
Joan Lunden.
233
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,701
Will you do me
the honor
234
00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:13,634
of giving me your
hand in marriage?
235
00:09:13,701 --> 00:09:16,400
Of course I will, Corny.
236
00:09:16,467 --> 00:09:18,067
Cool.
237
00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:23,734
Look, sweetie, I know that
you were put on the spot.
238
00:09:23,801 --> 00:09:25,901
Duckman, you don't
have to marry me
239
00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:26,934
if you don't want.
240
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,901
I'll still love you
just the same.
241
00:09:28,968 --> 00:09:32,200
And I'll still be your
cuddle bug no matter what.
242
00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:34,534
Okay?
243
00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:41,234
Break out the Fresca.
244
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:42,901
We're getting married!
245
00:09:42,968 --> 00:09:46,234
(applause and cheering)
246
00:09:56,567 --> 00:09:57,834
Hey.
247
00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:58,901
Am I the first one?
248
00:09:58,968 --> 00:10:00,167
Yeah. King's not here yet
249
00:10:00,234 --> 00:10:02,467
and the girls
are fitting bridesmaids' dresses
250
00:10:02,534 --> 00:10:04,267
or fluffing
monogrammed napkin rings
251
00:10:04,334 --> 00:10:06,901
or registering toilet seat
cozy patterns. Something.
252
00:10:06,968 --> 00:10:08,267
They'll be here any minute.
253
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:11,734
In all the excitement
254
00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:13,400
we haven't had a chance
to sit as friends
255
00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:15,133
and reflect on the
enormous changes
256
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,667
we're about
to go through.
257
00:10:16,734 --> 00:10:19,000
We should take
some time to share.
258
00:10:23,734 --> 00:10:25,300
That's enough of that.
Thank God.
259
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,701
To be honest, I was worried
how the boys would react
260
00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:29,501
to my marrying
my arch nemesis' ex-wife
261
00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:31,400
but they're really
taking it well.
262
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,334
So, it's decided.
263
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,434
When this hideous marriage
screws up our heads,
264
00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:40,000
Charles and I will stick
up convenience stores.
265
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:42,234
And Ajax, you'll become
a street hustler.
266
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,634
I'm way ahead of you.
267
00:10:45,701 --> 00:10:47,200
I'm afraid the whole thing
will get called off
268
00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:48,767
if the ladies
don't stop squabbling
269
00:10:48,834 --> 00:10:49,968
over the wedding plans.
270
00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:51,200
Whose bonehead idea
was it
271
00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:53,067
to do a triple wedding
in the first place?
272
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:55,067
I believe it was yours.
273
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:59,434
Oh. Yeah. It was me.
274
00:10:59,501 --> 00:11:00,801
Forget it.
275
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:02,801
Anyway, our problem
is King you-know-who.
276
00:11:02,868 --> 00:11:04,868
Talk about pushy.
277
00:11:04,934 --> 00:11:05,767
You're right.
278
00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:06,868
If that overgrown squab
279
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,167
wags his finger at me
one more time
280
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,634
I'm going to break it off!
281
00:11:09,701 --> 00:11:11,734
Don't you mean...
(imitates clucking):
Break it off?
282
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:13,434
(both laughing)
283
00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:20,000
That raucous laughter
can only mean one thing--
284
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:22,033
a new dirty joke!
285
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:23,868
Come on, let me hear it.
286
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:24,934
Oh, it was, uh...
287
00:11:25,033 --> 00:11:26,200
Nothing.
288
00:11:26,267 --> 00:11:27,634
Oh, now, now, now.
289
00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:31,167
I might think the laughter
was at my expense.
290
00:11:31,234 --> 00:11:32,868
(clucking laughter)
291
00:11:35,033 --> 00:11:37,501
Oh, fine.
292
00:11:38,701 --> 00:11:39,968
Well, then, maybe
I'll just leave.
293
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,367
Kingy!
294
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:44,467
Are you throwing another one
of your famous hissy fits?
295
00:11:44,534 --> 00:11:45,701
This really...
296
00:11:45,767 --> 00:11:48,567
(everybody talking at once)
297
00:11:48,634 --> 00:11:50,033
Okay, everyone sit down!
298
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,100
Let's try to spend
one friggin' evening
299
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:54,033
planning this miserable wedding
without fighting!
300
00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:58,667
Boy,was that
not the right thing to say!
301
00:11:58,734 --> 00:12:01,467
Well! Sometimes I think
you dread this wedding
302
00:12:01,534 --> 00:12:03,501
more than anything else
on Earth.
303
00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:06,000
Now, now, butter buckles,
you know that's not true.
304
00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:08,067
The thing I dread most
is E!'s Gossip Show.
305
00:12:08,133 --> 00:12:09,167
(tittering)
306
00:12:09,234 --> 00:12:10,267
There you go.
307
00:12:10,334 --> 00:12:11,400
Now, let's all try
308
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:13,100
to get along, okay?
309
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,267
Duckman's right.
310
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,868
Now, we're here
to plan a wedding.
311
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:18,267
This is supposed to be
a happy occasion, remember?
312
00:12:18,334 --> 00:12:19,767
(grumbling)
313
00:12:19,834 --> 00:12:21,100
Okay, okay, listen.
314
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:22,901
Now, let's just try
to get to the real problems
315
00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:24,534
without finger-pointing,
without blame,
316
00:12:24,601 --> 00:12:26,834
without accusations, okay?
317
00:12:26,901 --> 00:12:28,634
Great. Now, King,
why don't you go first
318
00:12:28,701 --> 00:12:30,801
since you're the one
ruining this for everyone.
319
00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:32,234
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
320
00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:34,501
King, really,
I was just kidding.
321
00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:37,701
No, no, I'm well aware
that you all resent me
322
00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:40,167
for "taking over"
the wedding plans.
323
00:12:40,234 --> 00:12:43,267
It's just that ever since
I was a little boy
324
00:12:43,334 --> 00:12:45,801
I've always dreamed
of the perfect wedding--
325
00:12:45,868 --> 00:12:49,234
the decorations
and the bridesmaids' gowns
326
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:51,901
and the flowers...
well, what little boy
327
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:54,501
hasn't daydreamed
about all that?
328
00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:01,601
I know none of you think
the wedding coordinator matters
329
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:05,133
but I'm telling you, it does!
330
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,334
A successful affair has
got to have a concept--
331
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,133
an overriding theme--
the ties, the decor
332
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,400
the food, the clothes,
the entire experience
333
00:13:13,467 --> 00:13:15,567
into a cohesive whole.
334
00:13:15,634 --> 00:13:18,467
"A taffeta-tacular
in Candyland"?
335
00:13:18,534 --> 00:13:23,300
Don't you just love it?!
336
00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:26,801
Yes. I love it.
337
00:13:26,868 --> 00:13:27,968
It's...
338
00:13:28,033 --> 00:13:29,067
(whispering):
Yummy.
339
00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:30,067
Yes. Yummy.
340
00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:31,400
Good.
341
00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:33,234
Then that's settled.
342
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:34,400
Well...
343
00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:35,934
on a less
flesh-crawling note,
344
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,467
I have a problem with
the seating arrangement.
345
00:13:38,534 --> 00:13:40,367
My relatives are
sitting by the band
346
00:13:40,434 --> 00:13:41,601
and it'll be too loud.
347
00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:42,868
What do you mean?
348
00:13:42,934 --> 00:13:44,801
Our relatives
are all the way
in the back...
349
00:13:44,868 --> 00:13:46,200
by the kitchen.
350
00:13:46,267 --> 00:13:48,100
I'm talking about my relatives.
351
00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:50,334
Since when do you
have relatives I don't?
352
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:51,534
You're an orphan.
353
00:13:51,601 --> 00:13:53,434
I know I'm an orphan, Bernice.
354
00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:54,801
I consider the people
355
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,234
I grew up with
at the orphanage
356
00:13:56,300 --> 00:13:58,434
to be
my relatives.
Oh...
357
00:13:58,501 --> 00:14:01,200
After all, I've known them
a lot longer than you.
Bev.
358
00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:02,634
What's that
supposed to mean?
359
00:14:02,701 --> 00:14:03,901
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
360
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:06,300
Because you've
known me a hell
of a lot longer
361
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:08,567
than you've known...
Hamboneover there!
362
00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:09,968
Again with the pig jokes?
363
00:14:10,033 --> 00:14:11,601
Then why don't we talk
about the way
364
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:15,234
you two rut with each other
like godless hogs.
365
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:16,734
Yeah. We never do that.
366
00:14:16,801 --> 00:14:17,901
W-W-W-Wait-wait.
367
00:14:17,968 --> 00:14:19,234
What was that?
368
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:20,501
For the first
time tonight
369
00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,000
I heard something
interesting.
370
00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:23,267
Bev, what
are you saying?
371
00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:25,000
That he's never
foamed your runway?
372
00:14:25,067 --> 00:14:26,067
He's never jacked
your Valenti?
373
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,234
Woolied your mammoth?
Sha-na-ed your na?
374
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,467
Silenced your lamb?
Johned your 316?
375
00:14:30,534 --> 00:14:32,133
Pardoned your Nixon?
376
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,634
We're waiting
for the honeymoon.
377
00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:36,067
Sue me.
I'm old-fashioned.
378
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:37,234
Sure.
379
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:38,434
He's old-fashioned
380
00:14:38,501 --> 00:14:40,400
but she wanted
a screwdriver.
381
00:14:40,467 --> 00:14:41,868
Oh, yeah.
Look who's talking.
382
00:14:41,934 --> 00:14:43,367
What's that
supposed to mean?
383
00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:45,801
You are just like Cornfed,
you big hypocrite--
384
00:14:45,868 --> 00:14:47,968
refusing to have sex
until after we're married.
385
00:14:48,033 --> 00:14:49,434
What?!
386
00:14:49,501 --> 00:14:52,267
You'll be lucky if you
get it after you're married.
387
00:14:52,334 --> 00:14:54,000
I never did.
388
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:54,734
What?!
389
00:14:54,801 --> 00:14:55,901
Honey,
are you telling me
390
00:14:55,968 --> 00:14:57,767
in the nine years
you were married to King,
391
00:14:57,834 --> 00:14:59,734
you never once
had sex?
392
00:14:59,801 --> 00:15:00,968
That's a lie.
393
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:03,534
Honey, we had sex
constantly.
394
00:15:03,601 --> 00:15:07,667
And Bernice, you and I
are always having sex.
395
00:15:07,734 --> 00:15:10,133
I don't believe it.
396
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:10,968
What?
397
00:15:11,033 --> 00:15:14,834
Uh, King,
the things we did
398
00:15:14,901 --> 00:15:16,968
that's, um...
399
00:15:17,033 --> 00:15:19,400
that's not sex.
400
00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:21,100
Get out!
401
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,434
Then... what...
402
00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:27,634
DUCKMAN:
King...
403
00:15:27,701 --> 00:15:29,701
(whistles)
Come here.
404
00:15:31,634 --> 00:15:34,567
(whispering)
405
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,167
(gagging)
406
00:15:37,133 --> 00:15:38,200
(vomiting)
407
00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:39,634
(laughing)
408
00:15:39,701 --> 00:15:40,634
(snorting laugh)
409
00:15:40,701 --> 00:15:42,567
This is not funny!
410
00:15:42,634 --> 00:15:43,901
Bernice, come on.
411
00:15:43,968 --> 00:15:44,934
That's funny.
412
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,300
So, we all okay?
413
00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:47,734
Full steam a-wed?
414
00:15:47,801 --> 00:15:50,467
I'd like to bring up
this horrible
napkin color.
415
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:51,534
I mean, who
likes twill,
416
00:15:51,601 --> 00:15:53,501
for God's sake?
417
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:57,567
Twill was John-John's
napkin color.
418
00:15:57,634 --> 00:15:59,234
Hey, Kingy.
419
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:00,934
Penis.
(vomiting)
420
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,767
Bernice, I have two
questions for you.
421
00:16:02,834 --> 00:16:04,300
Who are you? And who the hell
do you think you are?
422
00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:06,167
(all talking at once)
423
00:16:06,234 --> 00:16:07,267
(loud whistle)
424
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,267
That's it!
425
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:09,267
I've had it.
426
00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:10,300
It's like
you're trying
427
00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:11,534
to tear
this wedding apart.
428
00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:13,067
I've been looking
for this kind of love
429
00:16:13,133 --> 00:16:14,200
ever since Beatrice died.
430
00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:15,734
This is my chance to be happy
431
00:16:15,801 --> 00:16:17,000
and you're not going
to take that away!
432
00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:18,634
So here's the way
it's going to work.
433
00:16:18,701 --> 00:16:20,234
I'm taking over the wedding,
I'm planning it
434
00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:21,968
and it will not be perfect.
435
00:16:22,033 --> 00:16:24,367
There will be a lot of things
you'll hate and it's okay
436
00:16:24,434 --> 00:16:26,434
because you'll honestly be able
to tell everyone
437
00:16:26,501 --> 00:16:28,801
"Hey, it's not my fault;
Duckman screwed up."
438
00:16:28,868 --> 00:16:30,334
All right? Are we agreed?
439
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:31,367
Good.
440
00:16:31,434 --> 00:16:33,634
Meeting over!
441
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,133
(door closing)
442
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,667
It's like a fairy tale,
isn't it?
443
00:16:37,734 --> 00:16:40,601
(King vomiting)
444
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:45,534
(church bells ringing)
445
00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:52,400
Friends of bride "A"
446
00:16:52,467 --> 00:16:54,601
in quadrant A-one to G-six.
447
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:57,434
Groom "A"
in quadrant A-six to M-six.
448
00:16:57,501 --> 00:16:59,167
Groom "B" in quadrant...
449
00:17:01,868 --> 00:17:02,968
Good afternoon.
450
00:17:03,033 --> 00:17:05,133
My name is Coco L'available,
451
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,267
and I am a professional
lounge singer,
452
00:17:07,334 --> 00:17:09,734
as well as Mr. Duckman's
dental hygienist.
453
00:17:09,801 --> 00:17:12,267
Not for deep scaling
and calculus and stuff.
454
00:17:12,334 --> 00:17:13,400
Just for cleaning.
455
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:17,000
And he has permitted me
to offer my gift of song
456
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:19,200
to you and yours today
457
00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:22,400
to celebrate he
and his wedded bliss...
458
00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:24,601
for always.
459
00:17:24,667 --> 00:17:26,133
(clearing throat)
460
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,934
Oh, and since mr. Duckman's
organ is not functioning
461
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,868
I will be singing
these a cappella selections
462
00:17:31,934 --> 00:17:33,200
with no accompaniment.
463
00:17:33,267 --> 00:17:35,334
(singing to the tune
of "The Wedding March")
464
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,601
* It's wedding day *
465
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:43,334
* It's wedding day *
466
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:51,300
(off-key):
* It's wedding d-a-a-ay *
467
00:17:51,367 --> 00:17:55,300
* It's wedding day... *
468
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:57,133
She was ordained
in Puerto Guano.
469
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,234
I figured she'd be
like Switzerland.
Neutral?
470
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:01,434
Oh! I thought she'd
give us chocolate,
471
00:18:01,501 --> 00:18:03,167
but you're right--
she's neutral, too.
472
00:18:03,234 --> 00:18:04,167
Shut up!
473
00:18:04,234 --> 00:18:05,367
You're making me sicker.
474
00:18:05,434 --> 00:18:07,834
Wow!
Kevin Bacon.
475
00:18:07,901 --> 00:18:09,033
My teacher's sister
476
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:11,801
works with your uncle's
brother-in-law.
477
00:18:11,868 --> 00:18:13,334
DUCKMAN:
Sit down!
478
00:18:14,434 --> 00:18:17,834
* Here come the brides *
479
00:18:17,901 --> 00:18:20,701
* Here come
the brides... *
480
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,300
Ow!
481
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:24,734
Ooh!
Ooh!
482
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:29,467
(men grunting)
* ...the brides *
483
00:18:29,534 --> 00:18:34,901
* He-He-Here come the brides *
484
00:18:34,968 --> 00:18:39,267
* Here... *
485
00:18:39,334 --> 00:18:40,601
Dearly beloved...
486
00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:43,601
Yes, sweetie-pie?
487
00:18:43,667 --> 00:18:46,934
Oh, right. Sorry.
488
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,067
The couples have chosen to
exchange their own vows.
489
00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:50,601
Duckman?
490
00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:52,067
Right here!
491
00:18:52,133 --> 00:18:53,767
I'm gonna do the
vows for everyone.
492
00:18:53,834 --> 00:18:55,767
And I don't think
there's anything
I could say
493
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:58,300
that would express
the love we all
share better
494
00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:01,901
than this quote from
a great American.
495
00:19:01,968 --> 00:19:04,033
"As I stood in that
Chicago hotel room
496
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:05,801
"and heard that
Nicole was dead,
497
00:19:05,868 --> 00:19:08,200
"I remembered how completely
not at the scene I was
498
00:19:08,267 --> 00:19:09,434
"when it happened
499
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:11,634
"and all I could do was
run into the bathroom
500
00:19:11,701 --> 00:19:13,734
"break a glass and then
head back to L. A.
501
00:19:13,801 --> 00:19:15,667
To get my passport
and my fake beard."
502
00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:17,968
(sobbing)
503
00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:21,133
* It's wedding day... *
504
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,133
Wow...
505
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,267
Uh... (clears throat)
506
00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:25,934
I mean, do you,
Eric Tiberius Duckman,
507
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,934
Willobald Fivel Cornfed
508
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,767
and George Herbert
Walker Chicken
509
00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:32,501
take these women to be
your lawful wedded wives?
510
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:33,901
We do.
We do.
Cluck-cluck.
511
00:19:33,968 --> 00:19:37,133
Do you, Honey Ursula Bacon,
Bernice Florence Hufnagel
512
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,734
and Beverly Glen Hufnagel
513
00:19:38,801 --> 00:19:41,968
take these men to be
your lawful wedded husbands?
514
00:19:42,033 --> 00:19:42,968
ALL:
We do.
515
00:19:43,033 --> 00:19:44,133
* It's wedding... *
516
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,634
ALL:
Will you shut up?
517
00:19:49,234 --> 00:19:50,267
Thank you.
518
00:19:50,334 --> 00:19:50,901
The rings?
519
00:19:50,968 --> 00:19:52,834
(grunting)
520
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,467
Oy, skip the rings.
521
00:19:57,534 --> 00:20:00,434
If anyone knows why
these couples shouldn't be wed,
522
00:20:00,501 --> 00:20:02,667
speak now
or forever hold your peace.
523
00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:03,834
(farting)
524
00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:04,667
Doesn't count.
525
00:20:04,734 --> 00:20:06,400
Then I pronounce you
526
00:20:06,467 --> 00:20:08,100
husbands and wives.
527
00:20:08,167 --> 00:20:09,334
Kiss 'em if you got 'em.
528
00:20:13,501 --> 00:20:19,400
(applause and cheering)
529
00:20:37,234 --> 00:20:38,467
WOMAN:
Stop!
530
00:20:38,534 --> 00:20:39,734
Stop the wedding!
531
00:20:39,801 --> 00:20:41,901
So solly. Too late.
532
00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:42,901
You should...
533
00:20:42,968 --> 00:20:44,000
(gasping)
534
00:20:44,067 --> 00:20:45,100
(gasping)
535
00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:46,200
(all gasping)
536
00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:49,400
DUCKMAN:
Beatrice!
537
00:20:49,467 --> 00:20:50,534
Beatrice?
538
00:20:50,601 --> 00:20:51,801
Beatrice?
539
00:20:51,868 --> 00:20:52,667
Beatrice?
540
00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:54,033
Who's Beatrice?
541
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,701
My wife.
542
00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:57,634
Uh, uh, my first wife.
543
00:20:57,701 --> 00:20:58,767
I-I mean...
544
00:20:58,834 --> 00:21:00,067
you're alive.
545
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,634
Well, yeah, sure I am.
546
00:21:02,701 --> 00:21:03,701
Didn't Cornfed ever tell you?
547
00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:05,000
(guests gasp)
548
00:21:05,067 --> 00:21:09,567
Uh, Duckman,
I can explain.
549
00:21:28,868 --> 00:21:31,934
* ...a-a-aay *
550
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,667
* A-a-aay *
551
00:21:35,734 --> 00:21:40,934
* A-a-aaaaay *
552
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,667
* It's wedding day *
553
00:21:44,734 --> 00:21:48,567
* It's wedding day *
554
00:21:48,634 --> 00:21:57,968
* It's wedding da-a-y *
555
00:21:58,067 --> 00:21:59,667
(takes deep breath):
* ...a-a-ay... *
556
00:22:05,334 --> 00:22:06,968
Does that do it?That is it.
557
00:22:07,033 --> 00:22:08,234
I think that's it.Okay.
38094
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