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In the criminal justice system,
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00:00:03,334 --> 00:00:05,501
there are two separatebut equally important groups:
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00:00:05,534 --> 00:00:07,167
the police and prosecutors
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00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:08,834
who apprehendand try the offenders
5
00:00:08,868 --> 00:00:11,501
and the idiotic defendants,who take up the court's time
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00:00:11,534 --> 00:00:13,234
with theirself-serving blather.
7
00:00:13,267 --> 00:00:15,200
These are their stories.
8
00:00:17,968 --> 00:00:20,267
Now, Judge Keaton
gave us special permission
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00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:24,033
to observe his court today,
so best behavior, okay?
10
00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:26,701
So, she hit the switch
and sent a million volts
11
00:00:26,734 --> 00:00:28,567
to the leprechaun's pot of gold.
12
00:00:28,601 --> 00:00:30,367
There was smoke and cool sparks,
13
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,667
and the little creep's head
went ka-pow!
14
00:00:32,701 --> 00:00:33,834
But in Leprechaun 6,
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00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,968
we find out that
that was a lepreclone
16
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,334
and the real leprechaun...
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00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:39,901
Mr. Duckman,
you've now acted out
18
00:00:39,934 --> 00:00:41,734
five Leprechaun movies,
19
00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:43,267
six Puppetmaster movies
20
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:46,234
and nine Maniac Cop movies!
21
00:00:46,267 --> 00:00:48,334
Yeah, yeah, I know. There were
ten Maniac Cop flicks,
22
00:00:48,367 --> 00:00:50,667
but real M-Cop fans
don't count number eight,
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00:00:50,701 --> 00:00:53,434
which totally violated
the integrity of the series!
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00:00:53,467 --> 00:00:55,334
What does that have to do
25
00:00:55,367 --> 00:00:58,200
with the land fraud charges
against you?
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00:00:58,234 --> 00:01:00,367
Bottom line? In a world
of psycho zombies
27
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:01,934
and pumpkinheads
and killer puppets
28
00:01:01,968 --> 00:01:03,501
who drill your eyeballs
with their little screw hats,
29
00:01:03,534 --> 00:01:05,501
am I really such a bad guy?
30
00:01:05,534 --> 00:01:06,834
Just 'cause a few
of my customers
31
00:01:06,868 --> 00:01:09,667
got buyers' remorse
over the houses I sold them?
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00:01:09,701 --> 00:01:11,200
I still believe in a place
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00:01:11,234 --> 00:01:13,400
where overcrowding
is never a problem.
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00:01:13,434 --> 00:01:15,834
I still believe
in a town called Chernobyl
35
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:19,701
and in a planned community
called Chernobyl Vista Heights.
36
00:01:19,734 --> 00:01:21,567
I find you guil...
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00:01:21,601 --> 00:01:23,467
Put that peeve on pause, M'lud.
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00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:25,434
I have proof that I'm innocent.
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00:01:25,467 --> 00:01:26,400
(whistles)
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00:01:29,567 --> 00:01:31,434
Letters!
Thousands of them--
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00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:35,067
all addressed to a guy
who'd never commit fraud: Santa.
42
00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:37,467
Delivered by the United States
Postal Service to me
43
00:01:37,501 --> 00:01:40,100
proving that I am Santa.
44
00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:42,267
(spectators murmuring)
45
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:43,701
Order!
46
00:01:43,734 --> 00:01:46,868
Even if this were relevant,
which it isn't,
47
00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:49,434
these aren't addressed
to Santa, you idiot!
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00:01:49,467 --> 00:01:51,100
They're addressed to Satan.
49
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,901
Stupid post office.
50
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:56,701
Your Eminence, please instruct
the jury to disregard...
51
00:01:56,734 --> 00:02:00,634
For the 19th time,
there is no jury.
52
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,434
(chuckling)
53
00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:10,033
Wow, I knew I was drunk,
but I must be drunk.
54
00:02:10,067 --> 00:02:11,033
Hoo-hoo!
55
00:02:11,067 --> 00:02:12,734
Regrettably, my liege,
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00:02:12,767 --> 00:02:16,467
a jury of decent, hardworking,
system-hating African Americans
57
00:02:16,501 --> 00:02:18,801
was essential
to my defense strategy.
58
00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:21,467
So, I must take a mulligan
and officially change my story.
59
00:02:21,501 --> 00:02:23,467
I now claim
I was rendered incompetent
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00:02:23,501 --> 00:02:26,501
by a known medical condition:
NHL fever.
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00:02:26,534 --> 00:02:27,601
(yelps)
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00:02:27,634 --> 00:02:29,734
If this state's
three strikes law
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00:02:29,767 --> 00:02:32,767
hadn't crammed our prisons
full of shoplifters,
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00:02:32,801 --> 00:02:35,767
I'd still be able to send
murderers and felons
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00:02:35,801 --> 00:02:37,167
and you to jail,
66
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,901
but... I can't.
67
00:02:38,934 --> 00:02:41,400
Yes! I'm going to Disney World!
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00:02:41,434 --> 00:02:44,601
* Neener, neener,
neener, neener! *
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00:02:44,634 --> 00:02:45,634
DUCKMAN:
* You put your down, down
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00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:47,367
* And thrust your pelvis, huh!
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00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,334
* Thrust your pelvis, huh!
72
00:02:48,367 --> 00:02:49,467
* Thrust your pelvis...
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00:02:49,501 --> 00:02:51,501
Freeze, you degenerate lout!
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00:02:51,534 --> 00:02:52,501
Huh?
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00:02:52,534 --> 00:02:54,901
You've shown galling contempt
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00:02:54,934 --> 00:02:56,767
for this court, for me,
77
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:59,334
but worst of all, for the law
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00:02:59,367 --> 00:03:04,133
in front of some Malthus High
honor students that I invited.
79
00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:06,300
What must they think
of the law now?
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00:03:06,334 --> 00:03:07,701
What lesson
did they...?
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00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:10,467
Judge, F.Y.I, Singled Out
starts in 20 minutes,
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00:03:10,501 --> 00:03:11,968
and I'm way across town.
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00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,300
That's it!
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00:03:13,334 --> 00:03:15,467
I'm making an example of you.
85
00:03:15,501 --> 00:03:19,400
I hereby sentence
you to 5,000 hours
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00:03:19,434 --> 00:03:22,100
of community service
at Malthus High School
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00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:23,434
starting today.
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00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:24,767
We're adjourned.
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00:03:24,801 --> 00:03:25,968
Bailiff...
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00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:29,934
if he's not gone
in 15 seconds, kill him!
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00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:31,968
(nervous laugh)
92
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,634
5,000 hours?!
93
00:03:33,667 --> 00:03:35,100
That's 45 minutes!
94
00:03:35,133 --> 00:03:37,334
Actually, it's
about seven months.
95
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:38,334
What?!
96
00:03:38,367 --> 00:03:39,667
Damn metric system.
97
00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:41,634
Please, I hope
you kids understand
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00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,334
that what
that man did... ow!
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00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:44,868
Someone call
an ambulance.
100
00:03:44,901 --> 00:03:46,567
Wow, Malthus High.
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00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,801
That school is located
in a ghetto cesspool
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00:03:48,834 --> 00:03:51,133
full of crime and
poverty and despair.
103
00:03:51,167 --> 00:03:52,167
Oh, Malthus.
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00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,133
That's half a block
from my house.
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00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,834
Yeah. The commute's
a breeze.
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00:03:55,868 --> 00:03:56,834
Sweet.
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00:03:56,868 --> 00:03:58,167
(siren blaring)
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00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,801
(brakes screeching)
109
00:04:02,434 --> 00:04:05,234
Good thing I know
how to handle street kids
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00:04:05,267 --> 00:04:08,400
with their corduroys
and lip gloss and pudding.
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00:04:08,434 --> 00:04:09,968
Duckman, it's possible
your perceptions
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00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,601
of high school
may be a little off.
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00:04:12,634 --> 00:04:13,801
Wrong, Coronary.
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00:04:13,834 --> 00:04:16,000
I learned all about
high school from movies--
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00:04:16,033 --> 00:04:18,901
To Mr. Tibbs, With Love
and Les minds Dangereuses
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00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:20,067
and The Blackboard Diaries.
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00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:22,234
Movies have taught me
how to handle a classroom.
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00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:25,100
From Jeff Belushi to Goose
Gossett Jr. to Tom Berenstain,
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00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:27,100
movie guys know the best way
to deal with these punks
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00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,934
is to beat the crap
out of them!
121
00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:30,934
Then when one of them
molests the pretty lady teacher,
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00:04:30,968 --> 00:04:32,267
that's the one you kill!
123
00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:33,234
Hmm...
124
00:04:52,968 --> 00:04:56,167
I forgot the name of the teacher
that I'm subbing for.
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00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,601
He got hit in the head
at the courthouse.
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00:04:58,634 --> 00:04:59,968
Salgado. Right, right.
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00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,267
Thanks. Good-bye.
128
00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:05,734
(muffled):
Hello.
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00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:07,901
Uh... hi.
130
00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:09,400
(nervous chuckle)
131
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,901
Uh, no air here.
132
00:05:11,934 --> 00:05:13,300
Hello?
133
00:05:14,334 --> 00:05:17,067
I... help. Hi.
134
00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:18,133
Name's Duckman.
135
00:05:18,167 --> 00:05:20,267
Checking in for my
community service.
136
00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:21,267
Where do I go?
137
00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:22,267
Oh. Yes.
138
00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:23,267
Yes?
139
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:24,434
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
140
00:05:24,467 --> 00:05:25,434
Yes, yes.
Yes?
141
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:26,434
Yes?
142
00:05:26,467 --> 00:05:28,100
Hollind paunda noo-rip.
143
00:05:28,133 --> 00:05:29,267
Yes. Hi.
144
00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:31,601
Where do I go?!
145
00:05:31,634 --> 00:05:33,434
Community service?
146
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,434
I'm Duckman?
147
00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:38,767
I used to have rough sex
with your mother?
148
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:41,434
Truck drivers
would pay to watch?
149
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:42,434
Hi.
150
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,901
Great. Unless
Commander Mumbo
151
00:05:43,934 --> 00:05:45,834
from the planet Jumbo
goes to Berlitz
152
00:05:45,868 --> 00:05:47,501
on his lunch break,
I'm screwed.
153
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:49,601
Stupid judge, sitting
so high and mighty
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00:05:49,634 --> 00:05:50,601
in his courtroom.
155
00:05:50,634 --> 00:05:51,968
Who's he to
pass judge...?
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00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,801
Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
157
00:05:55,834 --> 00:05:58,200
Courtinroom, yes!
158
00:05:58,234 --> 00:06:00,434
Salgado, ow!
159
00:06:00,467 --> 00:06:02,701
Salgado, ow!
160
00:06:02,734 --> 00:06:04,400
You substitute.
161
00:06:04,434 --> 00:06:05,567
Substitute.
162
00:06:05,601 --> 00:06:06,801
One-four-one. Hi.
163
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:08,133
One-four-one.
164
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:09,634
Yes. Room 141.
165
00:06:09,667 --> 00:06:11,033
Yes. Thank you.
166
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:13,934
"Substitute." Belly of
the beast, huh, judge?
167
00:06:13,968 --> 00:06:16,067
Probably thinks this sweltering
cesspool of drugs,
168
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:17,834
gang violence
and irresponsible sex
169
00:06:17,868 --> 00:06:19,667
will be more than I can handle.
170
00:06:19,701 --> 00:06:22,400
Sounds kind of appealing,
actually.
171
00:06:22,434 --> 00:06:25,400
Well, since our substitute
is late today,
172
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:28,367
maybe we should review the list
of positively charged radicals
173
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,067
in the hydrogen cycle.
174
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,534
Ahh!
175
00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:32,567
Whoa! Are you all right?
176
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,601
You got hit pretty hard.
177
00:06:33,634 --> 00:06:35,200
Back offa that, homey!
178
00:06:35,234 --> 00:06:37,167
If you on the pipe,
maybe I give you the pipe.
179
00:06:38,968 --> 00:06:41,033
Anybody else want some?
180
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:44,200
I just popped the freshness seal
on a new can of buttkick,
181
00:06:44,234 --> 00:06:47,267
so all I need's an excuse,
you fly?
182
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:52,067
(karate yell)
183
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:53,367
(groans)
184
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,434
Mm... hmm.
185
00:07:03,267 --> 00:07:06,634
"Duckman"? Hey, you're that guy
from court this morning.
186
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:08,000
The one we told you about
187
00:07:08,033 --> 00:07:09,868
who played the judge
like a vintage Steinway
188
00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:12,634
and talked his way out
of some serious jail time.
189
00:07:12,667 --> 00:07:14,067
(twitching)
190
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,400
Man, are you all right?
191
00:07:15,434 --> 00:07:17,100
I don't like being talked about.
192
00:07:17,133 --> 00:07:18,701
You're lucky
I never hit a lady
193
00:07:18,734 --> 00:07:20,067
who makes
my Noam Chomsky.
194
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:22,300
Degrading sexist remark noted.
195
00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:24,133
Oh... yeah.
196
00:07:24,167 --> 00:07:26,901
Who's real now,
huh, Dexter?
197
00:07:26,934 --> 00:07:29,534
This scene is real gone, baby.
198
00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:32,100
I am into it all, dig?
199
00:07:32,133 --> 00:07:35,100
Oh-ho-ho, very hep,
very... hep.
200
00:07:35,133 --> 00:07:38,267
Do you need a shot of insulin
or something?
201
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,934
I don't do that crap.
202
00:07:39,968 --> 00:07:40,934
I'm clean.
203
00:07:40,968 --> 00:07:42,434
What are you into, hmm?
204
00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:44,434
Shiners? Boom-booms? Rippos?
205
00:07:44,467 --> 00:07:45,934
Calestogan canoe wax?
206
00:07:45,968 --> 00:07:47,267
Sinuvian swampweed?
207
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,267
Ladder-batter?
208
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:49,834
Budbugs? Spot-foxys?
209
00:07:49,868 --> 00:07:52,434
Or is booger sugar your lady?
210
00:07:52,467 --> 00:07:54,367
Look, we just want
to study hard,
211
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,400
get good grades
and go to college.
212
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:58,400
Ooh, easy, kitten.
213
00:07:58,434 --> 00:08:01,000
I don't know
what all that is code for,
214
00:08:01,033 --> 00:08:04,367
but keep back, 'cause I am am
what it am not, dig?
215
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,367
'Cause I am...
216
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,434
(agonized cry)
217
00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:08,501
Ooh!
218
00:08:08,534 --> 00:08:10,167
(crying)
219
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,701
I got a feeling this guy
ain't gonna be taking us
220
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,133
through the hydrogen cycle.
221
00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:18,968
...is lust in action
222
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:23,000
and till action,
lust is perjured.
223
00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:23,734
Duckman!
224
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:24,734
For the last few days,
225
00:08:24,767 --> 00:08:26,067
I've been doing
everything I can
226
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:27,400
to try and get through
to you kids,
227
00:08:27,434 --> 00:08:28,601
but you were too busy
228
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,200
boosting your
grade-point averages,
229
00:08:30,234 --> 00:08:31,767
researching your
end-of-term projects,
230
00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:33,968
and volunteering
for school outreach programs.
231
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,334
Now, as the final insult,
I find this.
232
00:08:38,567 --> 00:08:40,434
You kids disgust me!
233
00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:43,167
Look at you-- frittering away
your formative years
234
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,968
on good citizenship
and improving your minds
235
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,868
when you should be out
stripping BMWs
236
00:08:47,901 --> 00:08:50,033
and learning the rudiments
of credit card fraud.
237
00:08:50,067 --> 00:08:51,033
Eww!
238
00:08:51,067 --> 00:08:52,601
Biology...
239
00:08:52,634 --> 00:08:54,467
calculus...
240
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:55,467
Calcu-losers!
241
00:08:55,501 --> 00:08:56,834
I submit that you kids
242
00:08:56,868 --> 00:08:58,667
don't know the first thing
about the real world.
243
00:08:58,701 --> 00:08:59,667
Are you serious?
244
00:08:59,701 --> 00:09:00,868
We're all at the top
245
00:09:00,901 --> 00:09:02,367
of the state percentiles.
246
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,801
Oh, yeah? Let's say
I got five apples here.
247
00:09:04,834 --> 00:09:06,767
Maria asks me
for 20% of my apples.
248
00:09:06,801 --> 00:09:08,601
How many apples do I have left?
249
00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:10,534
Oh, that's easy--
four apples.
250
00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:12,400
Wrong! The answer is five.
251
00:09:12,434 --> 00:09:14,367
No one gets 20% of my apples
252
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,200
unless I see some
sort of kickback.
253
00:09:16,234 --> 00:09:19,133
You wash my back, I wash yours--
which, incidentally,
254
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:21,133
is a lesson I plan to cover
with the girls next Tuesday.
255
00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:22,300
Please do the reading.
256
00:09:22,334 --> 00:09:25,000
Mr. Duckman, that is not
how we do things here.
257
00:09:25,033 --> 00:09:27,601
Yeah. We're laying
the foundation
258
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:30,234
for some fast-track careers
and big-time opportunities.
259
00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:31,801
Why should we listen to you?
260
00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,901
(chuckling):
Careers...
261
00:09:33,934 --> 00:09:35,133
(snorts)
Opportunities...
262
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:36,667
Don't be ridiculous, girls.
263
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:38,868
It's men who have all
the real power in this world.
264
00:09:38,901 --> 00:09:40,667
You just sit there
and look pretty.
265
00:09:40,701 --> 00:09:43,400
But Mr. Duckman,
women are valuable
266
00:09:43,434 --> 00:09:45,434
and equal members
of our society.
267
00:09:45,467 --> 00:09:47,901
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
268
00:09:47,934 --> 00:09:49,968
You're so whipped.
269
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,467
You don't even realize
that the other kids
270
00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:52,968
would be scared stiff
if you'd only use
271
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,133
your physical size
to intimidate them.
272
00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:57,200
From now on, your new
threatening bully name
273
00:09:57,234 --> 00:09:58,467
will be Skunk.
274
00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:01,267
He doesn't need
some equivalency school dropout
275
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:03,033
messing with his self-esteem.
276
00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:05,067
Ah,Luis!
277
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,834
You're the ringleader.
278
00:10:06,868 --> 00:10:08,901
If I can reach you,
the others just might follow.
279
00:10:08,934 --> 00:10:10,100
What'll it take,
mi hermano?
280
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:11,167
Bootleg cigarettes?
281
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:12,434
Fake ID?
Eight tracks?
282
00:10:12,467 --> 00:10:14,033
Why are you even here?
283
00:10:14,067 --> 00:10:16,167
I'm here because
I'm concerned
about your welfare.
284
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,434
All this fancy book-learning
is setting you kids up
for a sucker punch.
285
00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:21,334
What happens when you
finally hit the mean streets
286
00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:24,067
with your diplomas and find out
the only jobs available
287
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:26,067
involve dressing up in
frightening plastic clown heads
288
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:28,334
taking burger orders
at a local drive-through?
289
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:29,801
So, you got
a better idea?
290
00:10:29,834 --> 00:10:33,367
I just might. I want you kids
to follow the simple principles
291
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,000
that made this country great.
292
00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:36,667
Why did the founding fathers
fight for their independence
293
00:10:36,701 --> 00:10:38,133
as soon as taxes got too high?
294
00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:40,334
Why did we force the Indians
onto worthless tracts of land,
295
00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:41,501
only to kick them off onto
296
00:10:41,534 --> 00:10:42,901
even more worthless
tracts of land
297
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,901
as soon as the first drop
of crude oil was discovered?
298
00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:46,968
And why did our own government
trade arms
299
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,267
for hostages for narcotics
for hostages for arms
300
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,601
with the very same drug cartels
301
00:10:50,634 --> 00:10:52,000
they're supposed
to be fighting?
302
00:10:52,033 --> 00:10:53,767
Anyone?
Skunk!
303
00:10:53,801 --> 00:10:55,300
Because the American system
304
00:10:55,334 --> 00:10:57,434
may be bad,
but it's the best we have?
305
00:10:57,467 --> 00:10:59,501
Quaint notion, but wrong!
306
00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,534
Because we're keeping
the world safe
307
00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:02,767
for freely elected...
308
00:11:02,801 --> 00:11:04,267
Blah-blah-blah,
whatever you said.
309
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:06,000
Damn it, kids!
Quit thinking rationally
310
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,167
and open your eyes.
311
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,868
I've got to
make you kids understand.
312
00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:10,868
(heavy sigh)
313
00:11:10,901 --> 00:11:12,801
Are you saying
that the big guns
314
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:15,334
go where the big money
sends them,
315
00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:17,934
and that afterwards,
the dudes that win these wars
316
00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:20,100
get to write
the cleaned-up history
317
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:21,834
we read in these textbooks?
318
00:11:21,868 --> 00:11:22,834
(bell dings)
319
00:11:22,868 --> 00:11:24,501
Actually, I thought
320
00:11:24,534 --> 00:11:26,067
it had something to do
with defective breast implants,
321
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:27,434
but your answer's good, too.
322
00:11:27,467 --> 00:11:30,968
People, take out your textbooks
and turn to chapter one...
323
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,534
and tear out those pages.
324
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,133
Tear out
the confusing squiggly marks
325
00:11:34,167 --> 00:11:35,133
that cover those pages.
326
00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:36,300
Free your minds!
327
00:11:36,334 --> 00:11:38,767
Your butts should follow.
328
00:11:44,234 --> 00:11:48,767
Kids, you've taken your first
steps into a much smaller world,
329
00:11:48,801 --> 00:11:50,767
but there's still so much
you need to know.
330
00:11:50,801 --> 00:11:52,601
Hence, I forged
your parents' signatures
331
00:11:52,634 --> 00:11:53,767
on some permission slips
332
00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:55,100
so that a few
of my most remedial students
333
00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:56,434
can hit the town
for a little
334
00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:59,634
down-and-dirty,
real-life experience.
335
00:11:59,667 --> 00:12:02,133
You're in my classroom now.
336
00:12:05,501 --> 00:12:06,434
(snaps fingers)
337
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,868
(background crowd noise)
338
00:13:05,334 --> 00:13:07,267
(crickets chirping)
339
00:13:10,901 --> 00:13:13,801
I had a really great
time today, Mr. Duckman.
340
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,834
The rewards are
all mine, kids.
341
00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:17,934
But we lost
a lot of time today.
342
00:13:17,968 --> 00:13:19,267
We were supposed to be studying
343
00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:21,100
for the college boards
next week.
344
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:22,100
That's right.
345
00:13:22,133 --> 00:13:23,467
We'll have to make it up
346
00:13:23,501 --> 00:13:25,100
with some serious cram time.
347
00:13:25,133 --> 00:13:26,200
Damn it!
348
00:13:26,234 --> 00:13:28,100
Haven't you kids
learned anything?
349
00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:29,434
Studying is
for suckers.
350
00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:31,634
How the hell are we supposed
to pass the test
351
00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:32,801
if we don't study?
352
00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:35,334
The old-fashioned American way.
353
00:13:42,434 --> 00:13:45,133
(whispering):
Duckman, I found
the answer sheet.
354
00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:47,767
Yes! We're going
to Disney World.
355
00:13:47,801 --> 00:13:49,667
(loud crashing)
356
00:13:51,734 --> 00:13:53,267
(alarm blaring)
357
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,667
Let's get out of here.
358
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,334
Gangway!
359
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:57,501
Whoa!
360
00:13:57,534 --> 00:13:58,934
(body thuds,
Duckman groans)
361
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:01,934
LUIS:
Mr. Duckman,
throw the rope up.
362
00:14:01,968 --> 00:14:04,734
Sorry, son, that would cost me
valuable seconds of escape time.
363
00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:07,367
Think of this
as your final lesson.
364
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,901
And remember,
when you arrive in prison,
365
00:14:08,934 --> 00:14:11,801
attach yourself to the biggest,
most dangerous con you can find.
366
00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:13,634
You don't want to end up
as just anyone's bitch.
367
00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:14,834
Hasta luego.
368
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:19,033
(guns cocking)
369
00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:24,133
(squeaking)
370
00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:30,133
GUARD:
One-two-seven on the gate.
371
00:14:32,701 --> 00:14:36,567
This school takes detention
very seriously.
372
00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:40,501
Wow! You're Cornfed,
Peru's legendary forward!
373
00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:43,367
You powered that team
to three World Cups.
374
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,100
Four World Cups,
but then the hamstring went.
375
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,367
Now I mainly work
as Duckman's partner.
376
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,300
He sent me
to get you out of here
377
00:14:50,334 --> 00:14:52,133
and to assure you
that he will do anything--
378
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:53,734
anything at all--
to clear you.
379
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,167
He'll admit
the break-in
380
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,267
was all
his idea?
381
00:15:04,634 --> 00:15:05,934
Some good news:
382
00:15:05,968 --> 00:15:08,100
I met with the vice-principal,
Dr. Aconian,
383
00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:10,133
and he agreed to release you
until the hearing.
384
00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:12,968
Unless Duckman confesses,
that's all I can do.
385
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,467
Man, that duck
is one big rat.
386
00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:19,300
No one da'st blame this man.
No one.
387
00:15:19,334 --> 00:15:20,901
He's... complex.
388
00:15:20,934 --> 00:15:23,634
It's hard for him to separate
his craven, cowardly side
389
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,734
from his disloyal, selfish side.
390
00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:29,000
Hmm. If that's true,
I may have a plan.
391
00:15:33,801 --> 00:15:35,400
DUCKMAN:
Cornfed, come in.
392
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,534
Quickly.
393
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:39,868
Well, did you...?
394
00:15:39,901 --> 00:15:41,467
They're in
a lot of trouble.
395
00:15:41,501 --> 00:15:42,901
Well, that's bad--
of course,
396
00:15:42,934 --> 00:15:44,467
that-that kind of trouble's
just the worst possible--
397
00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:46,133
but they, uh, they
made their own bed.
398
00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:47,167
I had no idea they...
399
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,501
But they say
you knew--
400
00:15:48,534 --> 00:15:50,367
you knew
because you planned it.
401
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,400
Well, that's, uh, no, no, no,
I never knew, I couldn't know.
402
00:15:53,434 --> 00:15:56,400
That would be wrong, against
school rules, it's just...
403
00:15:56,434 --> 00:15:57,801
We know you didn't know,
404
00:15:57,834 --> 00:15:59,834
but they're liable
to say you did
405
00:15:59,868 --> 00:16:02,000
to make... accusations.
406
00:16:02,033 --> 00:16:03,033
And that's just it--
407
00:16:03,067 --> 00:16:04,868
y-you know I did it,
I know I did it,
408
00:16:04,901 --> 00:16:07,501
but that jerk Keaton
doesn't know. No one knows.
409
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,234
No one... could...
410
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:15,501
...know... they could...
411
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:23,334
They look at you and see
what they want to watch.
412
00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:26,100
They look at me and know
it's the wrong channel.
413
00:16:29,701 --> 00:16:31,767
Pray with me, Cornfed.
414
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,133
(crickets chirping)
415
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:44,434
What would Lucas Tanner do?
416
00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:47,734
Or the White Shadow?
Gabe Kaplan?
417
00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:50,868
Or Karen Valentine?
Or, uh... uh...
418
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:52,400
LUIS:
Matt Waters?
419
00:16:52,434 --> 00:16:54,033
Montel?
420
00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:55,133
Who's there?
421
00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:57,801
Oh, you.
422
00:16:57,834 --> 00:16:59,234
You disagree with me,
I suppose
423
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:01,467
about the way thing...
with the break-in.
424
00:17:01,501 --> 00:17:03,400
You mean the
one you planned?
425
00:17:03,434 --> 00:17:05,000
The one you made us do?
426
00:17:05,033 --> 00:17:07,834
Well, yes, yes, I-I...
planned it, yes.
427
00:17:07,868 --> 00:17:09,434
But they, they, you see,
wouldn't understand.
428
00:17:09,467 --> 00:17:10,767
Hey, you know I did it,
429
00:17:10,801 --> 00:17:13,267
but that jerk Keaton
doesn't know. No one knows.
430
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:14,534
I can't confess.
431
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,601
I just don't want
to get in trouble
432
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:18,400
unless it's trouble
with honor.
433
00:17:18,434 --> 00:17:20,601
Sorry.
434
00:17:20,634 --> 00:17:23,334
God bless you all!
435
00:17:31,434 --> 00:17:34,234
...Then, in the movie
Living Dead 8,
436
00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:35,701
we, uh, learn
that the government
437
00:17:35,734 --> 00:17:37,567
is infecting people
with the zombie virus
438
00:17:37,601 --> 00:17:40,234
and turning them into flesh-
eating special forces units,
439
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:41,234
which... whoo!
(gavel bangs)
440
00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:43,033
KEATON:
Mr. Duckman,
441
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:45,467
as President
of the School Board,
442
00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:48,133
I can't tell you
how pleased I am
443
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:50,667
to be presiding
over the termination
444
00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:52,400
of your community service.
445
00:17:52,434 --> 00:17:54,968
Before I send you
back to my courtroom,
446
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,767
and the criminal conviction
you so richly, richly deserve,
447
00:17:58,801 --> 00:18:00,868
do you have any evidence
448
00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:04,634
that doesn't relate
to some gory splatter flick?
449
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:07,167
Only the example and guidance
I've tried to provide
450
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,968
for this great bunch
of young people, Judge.
451
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,367
Right, kids?
452
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,367
DUCKMAN (on tape):
You know I did it,
I know I did it
453
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,200
but that jerk Keaton
doesn't know. No one knows.
454
00:18:15,234 --> 00:18:17,467
Is it too late
to take another mulligan?
455
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:19,934
Duckman,
what you did to these kids
456
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:21,801
was beyond reprehensible.
457
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:22,934
You're a danger
458
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:25,067
to the moral health
of this entire community
459
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:27,367
and as such, I...
LUIS: Wait!
460
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,734
Your Honor,
may I speak?
461
00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:31,501
I object! Your Honor,
this boy is underage,
462
00:18:31,534 --> 00:18:33,234
and hence, any
testimony he gives
463
00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:34,767
about me cracking
open a parking meter
464
00:18:34,801 --> 00:18:36,167
to give him change
for a condom machine
465
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,701
is completely
inadmissible!
466
00:18:37,734 --> 00:18:40,501
I'll allow the testimony.
467
00:18:40,534 --> 00:18:41,968
Your Honor, everyone knows
468
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,334
that Duckman
is the lowest brand of scum.
469
00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:47,234
Objection!
Not everyone knows that.
470
00:18:47,267 --> 00:18:48,734
Please interrupt again
471
00:18:48,767 --> 00:18:51,067
so I can have you
bound and gagged.
472
00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:55,267
But Your Honor,
who has Duckman actually harmed?
473
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:56,267
Not us.
474
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,501
In fact, no one else
475
00:18:58,534 --> 00:19:01,000
has ever helped us
quite like Duckman.
476
00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:04,834
This man taught us to make
the most of every opportunity
477
00:19:04,868 --> 00:19:06,734
to cover our butts
at all costs
478
00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:09,868
and finally, to tape
an incriminating conversation
479
00:19:09,901 --> 00:19:12,334
and use it
to betray those dearest to us.
480
00:19:12,367 --> 00:19:14,601
He showed us
how the educational system
481
00:19:14,634 --> 00:19:17,067
does little more
than prepare its graduates
482
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:20,067
to work the deep-fry station
at a burger joint.
483
00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:22,033
But he did more
than open our eyes
484
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:24,734
to the uphill battle
we have ahead of us.
485
00:19:24,767 --> 00:19:27,734
He taught us that no matter what
horrors lie in store for us,
486
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:30,734
we don't ever, ever
want to be like him.
487
00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:33,434
Your Honor,
Duckman taught us these things
488
00:19:33,467 --> 00:19:34,968
because he cared for us,
489
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,133
and I say that
if caring for kids is a crime,
490
00:19:37,167 --> 00:19:39,133
then pronounce
Duckman guilty.
491
00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:40,901
But no matter
what your decision,
492
00:19:40,934 --> 00:19:43,734
he'll always be
a hero to us.
493
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,367
STUDENT:
Whoo-hoo! All right!
494
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,200
STUDENT 2:
Yes! All right!
495
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:48,834
STUDENT 3:
You said it!
496
00:19:48,868 --> 00:19:50,701
In light of the new evidence,
497
00:19:50,734 --> 00:19:54,534
I declare Duckman not guilty
on all charges.
498
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:56,934
(students cheering)
499
00:19:57,868 --> 00:19:59,467
(gavel banging)
500
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:04,567
But to ensure that Duckman never
sets foot near this school again
501
00:20:04,601 --> 00:20:05,734
I'm terminating
502
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:08,234
the remainder of his
community service
503
00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:09,434
and ordering him
504
00:20:09,467 --> 00:20:11,734
to maintain a distance
of at least four Miles
505
00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:13,067
from all students.
506
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:15,567
(students groan)
507
00:20:15,601 --> 00:20:17,934
Your Honor, I leave here
with more than
508
00:20:17,968 --> 00:20:19,400
the hundreds of dollars
in school supplies
509
00:20:19,434 --> 00:20:20,567
I've stuffed in my briefcase.
510
00:20:20,601 --> 00:20:21,901
I leave here
511
00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:24,367
with the love and respect
of a great bunch of kids,
512
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:25,767
and I promise them
513
00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:30,734
that the lessons they taught me
will remain in my heart forever.
514
00:20:30,767 --> 00:20:32,000
God bless you all!
515
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:36,300
Mr. Duckman?
516
00:20:55,234 --> 00:20:57,267
(car horns honking)
517
00:20:57,300 --> 00:21:00,434
(clapping)
518
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,834
(clapping continues)
519
00:21:02,868 --> 00:21:05,067
Will you shut the hell up
and go home?!
520
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:06,334
I've called the cops!
521
00:21:06,367 --> 00:21:08,167
DUCKMAN:
Friggin' hoodlums.
522
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,400
(helicopter overhead)
523
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,801
OFFICER:
Please disperse.
524
00:21:11,834 --> 00:21:12,934
(all screaming)
525
00:21:17,033 --> 00:21:19,968
(music a la
theme from Law & Order plays)
526
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,000
DUCKMAN:
Kill the puppetswho drill your eyeballs
527
00:22:08,033 --> 00:22:09,234
with their little screw hats.
37897
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