Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,167 --> 00:00:10,701
(quacks)
2
00:00:13,467 --> 00:00:14,934
Come on, Charles.
3
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,434
Don't be chicken.
4
00:00:16,501 --> 00:00:20,300
No! Will not submit
to peer pressure!
5
00:00:20,367 --> 00:00:23,133
Ah, stop your
struggling, Chas.
6
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:26,501
Just lay back and enjoy
a nice, refreshing...
7
00:00:26,567 --> 00:00:28,334
cigarette.
8
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,334
(fiendish laughter)
9
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,334
(taking long drag)
10
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,501
(coughing)
11
00:00:36,567 --> 00:00:38,000
Damn you, Mambo!
12
00:00:38,067 --> 00:00:40,834
You've been sneaking
cigarettes for weeks now.
13
00:00:40,901 --> 00:00:44,000
Frankly, I'm growing tired
of the secondhand smoke.
14
00:00:44,067 --> 00:00:46,167
Ha, ha, ha! Don't
get uptight, man.
15
00:00:46,234 --> 00:00:47,834
Everybody knows
cigarettes
16
00:00:47,901 --> 00:00:50,601
make us look mature,
sophisticated and cool
17
00:00:50,667 --> 00:00:52,534
and the best thing
about them
18
00:00:52,601 --> 00:00:54,534
is they're so relaxing.
19
00:00:54,601 --> 00:00:57,000
(woman screaming)
20
00:00:57,067 --> 00:01:00,000
(babbling)
21
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:05,434
(keening)
22
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,467
Aunt Bernice,
don't you think
23
00:01:09,534 --> 00:01:11,901
we're a little old
for a time out?
24
00:01:11,968 --> 00:01:14,367
I'd say it's time somebody
got a good spanking.
25
00:01:14,434 --> 00:01:15,434
No!
26
00:01:15,501 --> 00:01:17,767
I was talking
about me.
27
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:20,801
This is no time for jokes!
28
00:01:20,868 --> 00:01:22,667
This is serious!
29
00:01:22,734 --> 00:01:24,934
Bernice, don't you
think you're getting
a bit carried away?
30
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,667
I mean, what red-blooded
American boy hasn't
snuck a few ciggies,
31
00:01:27,734 --> 00:01:29,534
cut a couple of classes,
given the home ec teacher
32
00:01:29,601 --> 00:01:31,133
an after-class
tongue bath?
33
00:01:33,234 --> 00:01:36,934
You've led a really
interesting life, haven't you?
34
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,868
What a long, strange trip
it's been.
35
00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:41,701
When children
pick up bad habits
36
00:01:41,767 --> 00:01:43,767
it's time to take a good,
hard look at ourselves
37
00:01:43,834 --> 00:01:46,200
and place the blame
where it obviously belongs--
38
00:01:46,267 --> 00:01:47,968
on the cigarette companies.
39
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:50,834
And it's about time
somebody taught them a lesson.
40
00:01:50,901 --> 00:01:52,601
ANNOUNCER:
And now we join
41
00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:56,801
the congressional anti-smoking
hearings already in progress.
42
00:01:56,868 --> 00:02:00,067
I also propose that instead
of using cute, cuddly mascots
43
00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:01,501
to promote their products
44
00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:04,868
the tobacco companies only
employ unappealing spokespeople.
45
00:02:04,934 --> 00:02:07,834
For example, instead of,
say, Joe Camel, we'll have...
46
00:02:07,901 --> 00:02:10,133
Sammy Stroke-face...
47
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,334
Randy the Respirator...
48
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,601
and Carcinomi,
the Cancer-ridden Clown.
49
00:02:15,667 --> 00:02:16,934
(all shuddering)
50
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,634
We're also
all familiar
51
00:02:18,701 --> 00:02:20,067
with the glamorization
of smoking,
52
00:02:20,133 --> 00:02:22,334
particularly in old movies
and TV shows.
53
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,667
Well, I think
I've come up with something
54
00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:26,601
that finally nips that
in the bud.
55
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:27,601
Lights!
56
00:02:30,501 --> 00:02:32,334
Here we see
Mr. Humphrey Bogart
57
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,968
perpetrating the myth
that smoking is cool.
58
00:02:35,033 --> 00:02:36,634
Play it again, Sam.
59
00:02:38,701 --> 00:02:41,601
Now, watch what happens
when we employ a process
60
00:02:41,667 --> 00:02:44,033
called "revisionization."
61
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:47,801
His cigarette becomes
a nutritious, delicious carrot.
62
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,634
Play it again, Sam.
63
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:53,601
Revisionization comes to us
from Germany
64
00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:56,734
where the government uses it
to block out all evidence
65
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:58,100
of their nazi past.
66
00:02:58,167 --> 00:03:00,133
These measures,
along with my plan
67
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,734
to banish all smokers
to an underground penal colony
68
00:03:02,801 --> 00:03:05,000
are reasonable and rational...
69
00:03:05,067 --> 00:03:07,834
MAN:
Some people say
that smoking is evil.
70
00:03:07,901 --> 00:03:10,334
Well, we'd like
to ask those people:
71
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,767
Are parks evil, too?
72
00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:14,734
The tax revenuecollected from tobacco products
73
00:03:14,801 --> 00:03:17,067
goes directlyinto our nation's parks
74
00:03:17,133 --> 00:03:18,901
and recreational facilities.
75
00:03:18,968 --> 00:03:22,467
So, next time you ask someoneto snuff out that cigarette
76
00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:26,501
remember, you're snuffing outa child's happiness.
77
00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:32,334
(crowd murmuring, gavel bangs)
78
00:03:33,767 --> 00:03:35,601
MAN (southern drawl):
Forgive me for splicing
79
00:03:35,667 --> 00:03:38,300
my moving picture
to the end of yours, ma'am,
80
00:03:38,367 --> 00:03:39,701
but as president
81
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:42,033
of one of them so-called
"evil tobacco companies"
82
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:46,000
I merely wanted to present
the other side of the story.
83
00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:48,000
Rip out his trachea!
84
00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:50,234
String him up by his lungs!
85
00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:51,901
(chortling)
86
00:03:51,968 --> 00:03:55,167
Has anyone ever told you
how pretty you are
87
00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:57,667
while in the throes
of bloodlust?
88
00:03:57,734 --> 00:03:59,033
(suppressed giggle)
89
00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:00,634
My name's Walt Evergreen,
90
00:04:00,701 --> 00:04:03,033
and I'd like
to extend an invitation
91
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:06,100
for you to visit
one of my tobacco facilities.
92
00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:08,734
I think you'll find that,
like it or not,
93
00:04:08,801 --> 00:04:12,267
cigarettes are as American
as a pie-eatin' jamboree.
94
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:14,567
(chortling)
95
00:04:14,634 --> 00:04:17,434
Okay, I'll visit your garden
of deadly delights,
96
00:04:17,501 --> 00:04:19,067
but I'm bringing my family
with me
97
00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:21,033
because this
is who pays the price
98
00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:23,934
for your toxic tobacco,
Mr. Evergreen--
99
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,934
the average,
normal American family.
100
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,267
(woman screaming)
101
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,067
hey, it's your loss, baby.
102
00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:34,701
What the hell
are you staring at?!
103
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,400
(snoring)
104
00:04:40,467 --> 00:04:43,000
Kathy Ireland...
105
00:04:52,267 --> 00:04:55,367
Miss Bernice
and her kinfolk.
106
00:04:55,434 --> 00:04:57,868
Welcome to Tobacky Land.
107
00:04:57,934 --> 00:04:59,634
It's beautiful!
108
00:04:59,701 --> 00:05:02,868
And they're even
more beautiful--
109
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:05,634
Your own private
assistants,
110
00:05:05,701 --> 00:05:07,033
who will happily
111
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:10,567
satisfy each and every one
of your personal needs.
112
00:05:10,634 --> 00:05:11,901
And you're mine?!
113
00:05:11,968 --> 00:05:15,334
Whoa! Check out the size
of the boll weevils on you!
114
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,467
Now, I'd be happy
to answer any and all questions
115
00:05:18,534 --> 00:05:20,501
regardin' our
little cottage industry,
116
00:05:20,567 --> 00:05:23,234
but before we get
to the serious stuff
117
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:25,801
I'd like to give y'all
a heapin' helpin'
118
00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:27,934
of Southern
fried hospitality.
119
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,133
(chortling)
120
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:37,367
EVERGREEN:
So, I turned and said,
121
00:05:37,434 --> 00:05:39,601
"Don't be afraid, Mr. President.
122
00:05:39,667 --> 00:05:43,267
With gums that bad,
I doubt she'd even have teeth."
123
00:05:43,334 --> 00:05:45,033
(both laughing)
124
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:48,267
Oh, Walt, you're such a
brilliant conversationalist.
125
00:05:48,334 --> 00:05:49,868
And what a gracious host.
126
00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:52,400
I mean, the generosity
you've shown us--
127
00:05:52,467 --> 00:05:53,834
the food, the gifts
128
00:05:53,901 --> 00:05:57,434
the extremely entertaining
holograms of Billy Ray Cyrus--
129
00:05:57,501 --> 00:05:59,300
oh, how can I ever thank you?
130
00:05:59,367 --> 00:06:01,501
Miss Bernice,
it's reward enough
131
00:06:01,567 --> 00:06:04,667
that you now realize
we tobacco industry folks
132
00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:06,400
aren't so bad after all.
133
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:09,400
Well, unfortunately,
tobacco is.
134
00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:11,467
Come again?
135
00:06:11,534 --> 00:06:14,901
While I'm certainly grateful
for your incredible hospitality,
136
00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:16,767
nothing could ever
change my mind
137
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,834
about the evils
of your cursed crop.
138
00:06:20,267 --> 00:06:22,334
I hope you understand, Walt.
139
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:26,501
I understand completely.
140
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:28,801
(all gasp)
141
00:06:28,868 --> 00:06:31,601
Man, this vacation keeps getting
better and better--
142
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:33,834
the old bind-and-boink!
143
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:37,234
(groans)
144
00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:38,801
Now a little
slap-and-tickle!
145
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,834
Ow!
146
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:44,567
(slurring):
Now "multiple skull fractures
with cerebral hemor..."
147
00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:56,534
You couldn't keep quiet
148
00:06:56,601 --> 00:06:58,567
about the tobacco
thing, could you?
149
00:06:58,634 --> 00:06:59,934
I was only
doing my job.
150
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,467
How was I
supposed to know
151
00:07:01,534 --> 00:07:02,968
Walt's a little
bit country,
152
00:07:03,033 --> 00:07:04,567
a little bit
Hermann Goering?
153
00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:06,767
(both grunt)
154
00:07:06,834 --> 00:07:09,300
You tobacco thugs
may take away our freedom,
155
00:07:09,367 --> 00:07:10,734
but remember
that nobody
156
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:13,467
nobody can take
away our dignity.
157
00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:16,801
Listen to the chains
sing their happy chain song.
158
00:07:16,868 --> 00:07:18,300
* Doody-doo-doo-doo *
159
00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:21,634
* Doo-dee-dee-dum-dum
be-bop bop-a-squee-da *
160
00:07:21,701 --> 00:07:23,234
(laughs)
161
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:26,601
Is there someone else
we can be shackled to?
162
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:27,634
Quit complaining.
163
00:07:27,701 --> 00:07:29,567
Out of all the people
and farm animals
164
00:07:29,634 --> 00:07:30,934
I could be shackled to,
165
00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:33,033
why in the name
of all that's nude and oiled
166
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:34,501
and slides up and down
a brass pole
167
00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:36,334
do I have to be shackled
to Grandma-ma?
168
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,601
(sobs)
169
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,334
Well, we're
certainly enjoying
170
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:41,767
your little Bataan
Death March,
171
00:07:41,834 --> 00:07:43,434
I wish you'd say
where you're taking us.
172
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:44,834
'Fess up, Walt.
173
00:07:44,901 --> 00:07:46,100
What are you
going to do--
174
00:07:46,167 --> 00:07:48,601
beat us, torture
us, murder us?
175
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:51,434
And miss out
on all the irony?
176
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:53,033
No, my sweet lady.
177
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:55,701
I've devised
the most insidious plan
178
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,300
you could even imagine.
179
00:07:57,367 --> 00:08:01,200
You see, I want y'all
to pick tobacky.
180
00:08:03,634 --> 00:08:06,400
(growling)
181
00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:09,467
Wow! I haven't felt this level
of Mason-Dixon sexual tension
182
00:08:09,534 --> 00:08:12,100
since Barney Fife was in
the kitchen with Aunt Bee.
183
00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:13,434
Shut up!
Shut up!
184
00:08:13,501 --> 00:08:15,200
You all do what I say,
185
00:08:15,267 --> 00:08:17,667
and everything'll
go just as smooth
186
00:08:17,734 --> 00:08:20,467
as a lung full of
mentholated nicotine.
187
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,868
Break the rules,
and so help me God,
188
00:08:22,934 --> 00:08:24,334
I'll be all over you
189
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,734
like Louie Anderson
at a bake sale.
190
00:08:26,801 --> 00:08:29,267
And now for the recitation
of the rules:
191
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:30,501
Now wait just a...
192
00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:33,000
Anyone interrupting the
recitation of the rules
193
00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:35,367
will spend a day
in the box.
194
00:08:36,434 --> 00:08:37,634
(all gasp)
195
00:08:37,701 --> 00:08:39,734
Now, as I was saying...
196
00:08:39,801 --> 00:08:41,434
Just a ruby-redneck
minute here.
197
00:08:41,501 --> 00:08:42,834
I've got some complaints.
198
00:08:42,901 --> 00:08:45,434
First off, where are
the topless Tantric
massage therapists?
199
00:08:45,501 --> 00:08:48,267
The bursitis in my soon-to-be
tobacco-picking right arm
200
00:08:48,334 --> 00:08:49,400
hasn't been this inflamed
since I bought
201
00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:51,334
the Shannon Tweed
laser disc box set.
202
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,100
Secondly,
this tar-heeled humidity
203
00:08:53,167 --> 00:08:54,501
is absolutely disgustifying.
204
00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:56,834
How about building
an air-conditioned dome,
205
00:08:56,901 --> 00:08:58,334
with naked
cosmetically- augmented
206
00:08:58,400 --> 00:08:59,567
trapeze artists overhead,
207
00:08:59,634 --> 00:09:01,601
so one could not only
pick tobacco without chafing
208
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,467
but also
be delightfully entertained?
209
00:09:03,534 --> 00:09:05,400
Thirdly...
210
00:09:05,467 --> 00:09:07,000
Congratulations,
young fella.
211
00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:11,267
You just earned
yourself a week
in the box.
212
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:12,267
(all gasp)
213
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:13,300
(screams)
Not the box!
214
00:09:13,367 --> 00:09:15,067
I'm afraid of tight places.
215
00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:16,934
That is to
say, certain
tight places.
216
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:17,968
(chuckles)
217
00:09:18,033 --> 00:09:20,067
No! Sweet mother of mercy!
218
00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:21,067
Not the box!
219
00:09:21,133 --> 00:09:22,501
Don't put me in the box!
220
00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:24,000
Don't put me in the box!
221
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:25,901
No! Please!
222
00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:27,367
(whimpers)
223
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:30,267
Huh? When did I get
a tattoo there?
224
00:09:34,734 --> 00:09:37,467
I'm hot and sweaty.
225
00:09:37,534 --> 00:09:39,567
I'm thirsty
and nauseous.
226
00:09:39,634 --> 00:09:41,801
And I miss Teddy.
227
00:09:41,868 --> 00:09:42,968
Oh, we'll be home soon
228
00:09:43,033 --> 00:09:45,000
and you can hug
your little teddy bear.
229
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,934
Not my teddy, Aunt Bernice.
230
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,334
Teddy Kennedy.
231
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,033
He invited me to a kegger
at the compound.
232
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:53,567
Will we ever
get out of here?
233
00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:54,567
Of course we will.
234
00:09:54,634 --> 00:09:55,901
And you
want to know why?
235
00:09:55,968 --> 00:09:58,133
Because our neighbors
must have noticed
236
00:09:58,200 --> 00:09:59,868
we haven't been home
for a while
237
00:09:59,934 --> 00:10:02,234
and they're going
to do something about it.
238
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:03,801
(all laughing)
239
00:10:09,033 --> 00:10:10,200
Why, I bet the police
240
00:10:10,267 --> 00:10:12,133
are out looking for us
right now.
241
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:15,734
(snickering)
242
00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:17,334
Hey, and let's
not forget Cornfed.
243
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,434
He's probably waiting
by the front door
244
00:10:19,501 --> 00:10:20,434
till we get back.
245
00:10:20,501 --> 00:10:25,567
(Muzak playing)
246
00:10:25,634 --> 00:10:27,033
We're going
to get out of here.
247
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:28,734
I promise.
248
00:10:28,801 --> 00:10:30,334
(faintly):
I promise.
249
00:10:33,701 --> 00:10:36,968
Oh, if I weren't trying to
be cool smoking cigarettes,
250
00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:38,901
none of this would
have happened.
251
00:10:38,968 --> 00:10:40,300
Nobody's blaming you, Mambo.
252
00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:42,901
I am! These conditions
are inhuman.
253
00:10:42,968 --> 00:10:45,701
This place is going
to kill us, I tell you.
254
00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:47,767
It's going to kill us all!
255
00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:49,601
Man, this country living
is fine-tastic.
256
00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:51,734
Who'd have thought
being shoved in a box
257
00:10:51,801 --> 00:10:53,434
with your ankles
behind your ears
258
00:10:53,501 --> 00:10:54,601
could be such a rush?
259
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:55,901
Anyhoo, I got a few minutes
260
00:10:55,968 --> 00:10:57,267
before being shoved
back in the box.
261
00:10:57,334 --> 00:10:59,534
Got it booked for the High Holy
Days, you know, and, uh...
262
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,067
No offense, team,
263
00:11:03,133 --> 00:11:05,200
but I've seen
peppier-looking roadkill.
264
00:11:05,267 --> 00:11:06,801
Might I suggest a multivitamin?
265
00:11:06,868 --> 00:11:09,434
(sobbing):
Don't you see, Duckman?
266
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:12,234
This place
is killing us!
267
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:15,567
On your feet,
Miss Bernice.
268
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:17,567
Break time's over.
269
00:11:17,634 --> 00:11:20,167
What? We picked
every single leaf of tobacco
270
00:11:20,234 --> 00:11:21,367
on this plantation.
271
00:11:21,434 --> 00:11:24,067
True. But we still need
some guinea pigs
272
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:27,567
to test the addictiveness
of our new king-sized lights.
273
00:11:27,634 --> 00:11:28,567
Walt, please!
274
00:11:28,634 --> 00:11:29,968
We're not going
to make it!
275
00:11:30,033 --> 00:11:32,100
Guess you should
have thought of that
276
00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:35,834
before you rode
your liberal high
horse into town.
277
00:11:35,901 --> 00:11:37,300
You and your kinfolk
278
00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:39,534
gonna be slave to
the tobacco industry
279
00:11:39,601 --> 00:11:41,901
for the rest of
your natural lives.
280
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:43,634
(laughing)
281
00:11:46,434 --> 00:11:47,667
That's it!
282
00:11:47,734 --> 00:11:49,934
I've had it!
283
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,000
(gasping)
284
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:52,434
Lousy stinking screw.
285
00:11:52,501 --> 00:11:55,434
Nobody treats me like that
and gets away with it.
286
00:11:55,501 --> 00:11:57,234
ALL:
Grandma-ma?!
287
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,667
Guess again.
288
00:11:58,734 --> 00:11:59,968
Rosie O'Donnell?
289
00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:05,801
(whooping)
290
00:12:05,868 --> 00:12:07,267
I'll give you a hint:
291
00:12:07,334 --> 00:12:08,567
Hyah!
292
00:12:08,634 --> 00:12:10,567
Remember a few months back...
293
00:12:10,634 --> 00:12:12,501
when I busted out of Death Row?
294
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:15,801
And then I pulled a switcheroo
with your Grandma-ma,
295
00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:19,000
who just so happens
to look just like me.
296
00:12:19,067 --> 00:12:20,133
Ha!
297
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,534
Sure, you caught on
and called the cops.
298
00:12:22,601 --> 00:12:23,901
But right before
they cuffed me
299
00:12:23,968 --> 00:12:26,667
I pulled yet another switcheroo.
300
00:12:26,734 --> 00:12:28,000
These past few months
301
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:30,767
I've been pretending
to be your Grandma-ma,
302
00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:33,701
but it's really been
little old me all along.
303
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:34,868
Agnes Delrooney?!
304
00:12:34,934 --> 00:12:36,133
Miss me, baby?
305
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,767
Mm-mwa!
306
00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:40,000
(both spitting)
307
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,133
If you're Agnes,
308
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,834
then the real Grandma-ma
is rotting away
309
00:12:42,901 --> 00:12:45,334
in some lice-infested
prison cell.
310
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,000
(Godfather-like music playing)
311
00:12:53,834 --> 00:12:55,200
Uh-oh,
better get going
312
00:12:55,267 --> 00:12:56,901
while the going's
still good.
313
00:12:56,968 --> 00:12:58,567
Move it, petunia.
314
00:12:58,634 --> 00:12:59,901
Yahh!
315
00:12:59,968 --> 00:13:02,734
Oh, for God's sake,
please, get help!
316
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,400
Dahh!
317
00:13:14,367 --> 00:13:18,033
(screaming)
318
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,734
Argh! My effin' back!
319
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:24,901
(grunts)
320
00:13:24,968 --> 00:13:26,501
Try to keep up, butch.
321
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:27,767
Button your lip, Mary.
322
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:30,033
You fake being catatonic
for six months.
323
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:32,734
Then see how easy it is
running for your life.
324
00:13:32,801 --> 00:13:35,300
Okay, people, listen up:
325
00:13:35,367 --> 00:13:38,334
I want a hard-target search
of every outhouse,
326
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,000
beach house, warehouse,
boathouse, smokehouse,
327
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:44,834
clubhouse, icehouse, hothouse,
white house, crack house,
328
00:13:44,901 --> 00:13:48,367
bathhouse, doghouse,
cathouse, reptile house,
329
00:13:48,434 --> 00:13:50,434
halfway house, slaughterhouse,
330
00:13:50,501 --> 00:13:53,734
haunted house, gingerbread house
and Joe Eszter-house
331
00:13:53,801 --> 00:13:55,300
in the tri-swamp area,
332
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:58,901
and people, I want 'em
brought back alive.
333
00:14:00,501 --> 00:14:01,801
Aw, who am I kidding?
334
00:14:01,868 --> 00:14:03,167
This is the Deep South.
335
00:14:03,234 --> 00:14:05,601
Let's bring 'em back dead.
336
00:14:05,667 --> 00:14:08,167
(cheering)
337
00:14:08,234 --> 00:14:10,601
(panting)
338
00:14:10,667 --> 00:14:13,200
Hey, Dingleheimer,
I want to thank you
339
00:14:13,267 --> 00:14:15,467
for waiting on me hand and foot
these last few months.
340
00:14:15,534 --> 00:14:18,601
When I think of all the times
I had to shave your shoulders
341
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:21,067
or trowel boil salve
on your hideous white butt
342
00:14:21,133 --> 00:14:23,534
or scrape Fromunda cheese
off your toenails...
343
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:27,868
I remember a certain little
thing you seemed to enjoy.
344
00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:30,701
Well, sure, live guppy enemas
are always entertaining.
345
00:14:30,767 --> 00:14:32,534
My point, Agnes,
is that you stink--
346
00:14:32,601 --> 00:14:35,534
both literally
and, uh, the other "'tively."
347
00:14:35,601 --> 00:14:37,501
Save your fancy words,
college boy.
348
00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:39,734
The only way
you're going to impress me
349
00:14:39,801 --> 00:14:42,000
is getting us out
of East Jerkwaterville.
350
00:14:46,767 --> 00:14:48,901
Hmm. I got an idea.
351
00:14:52,234 --> 00:14:56,000
Are you sure this is
the only way across that stream?
352
00:14:56,067 --> 00:14:58,167
It is without getting wet,
fruit cup.
353
00:14:58,234 --> 00:15:01,167
Now, quit your yapping
and pull your weight.
354
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,000
Speaking of weight, things
would be a lot easier for me
355
00:15:04,067 --> 00:15:07,067
if Planet Agnes didn't have its
own massive gravitational pull.
356
00:15:07,133 --> 00:15:08,200
Why, I oughta...
357
00:15:08,267 --> 00:15:09,367
(yells)
(grunts)
358
00:15:09,434 --> 00:15:10,067
(screams)
359
00:15:10,133 --> 00:15:10,901
(grunts)
360
00:15:12,133 --> 00:15:12,834
(screams)
361
00:15:29,267 --> 00:15:30,868
(squeaking)
362
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,033
(moaning):
Oh...
363
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:37,267
(laughs)
364
00:15:37,334 --> 00:15:39,868
Have I told you lately
that I hate you?
365
00:15:39,934 --> 00:15:41,734
Oh, I'm deeply hurt.
366
00:15:41,801 --> 00:15:43,734
Please like me, Poindexter.
367
00:15:43,801 --> 00:15:46,501
I want so much
for you to like me.
368
00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:49,467
I'd rather drive cross country
with the road company of Rent
369
00:15:49,534 --> 00:15:51,200
than spend a second
with the likes of you.
370
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:53,534
Them's fightin' words,
limp wrist.
371
00:15:53,601 --> 00:15:55,334
Maybe you'd like
to take a swing at me.
372
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:56,901
Come on, Mighty Joe Louis.
373
00:15:56,968 --> 00:15:58,300
You want a piece of me?
374
00:15:58,367 --> 00:15:59,601
Let's go, milk dud!
375
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:00,834
Hit me
with your best shot!
376
00:16:00,901 --> 00:16:02,367
Fire away!
377
00:16:02,434 --> 00:16:03,801
(grunts)
378
00:16:03,868 --> 00:16:05,734
Did somebody punch me,
379
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:08,200
or was that
a gentle summer's breeze?
380
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:10,000
(shrieking)
381
00:16:10,067 --> 00:16:15,000
(grunting)
382
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:17,534
(weak chuckle)
383
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,701
(groans)
384
00:16:23,868 --> 00:16:25,667
(hounds baying)
385
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:28,300
Good news, Captain,
we gave the bloodhounds
386
00:16:28,367 --> 00:16:30,501
one of the old lady's
undergarments
387
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:32,367
and after they stopped
convulsing
388
00:16:32,434 --> 00:16:34,767
it looks like they picked up
their trail!
389
00:16:40,868 --> 00:16:43,300
Well, what do you know?
390
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:46,467
I guess our little rumba
broke our charm bracelet.
391
00:16:46,534 --> 00:16:48,300
And not a momento too soon.
392
00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:50,033
Last thing I need
is an attack dog
393
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:51,868
mistaking my heinie
for kibble and bits.
394
00:16:51,934 --> 00:16:53,434
Thanks for everything, Aggie--
395
00:16:53,501 --> 00:16:56,067
the beatings, the put-downs,
the incessant loogie hawking.
396
00:16:56,133 --> 00:16:59,000
You shall be missed.
397
00:17:00,067 --> 00:17:01,501
(groaning)
398
00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:02,634
Old Bagnes--
399
00:17:02,701 --> 00:17:04,634
storm troopers
right around the bend.
400
00:17:04,701 --> 00:17:06,801
Wouldn't this be the time
to bust a move?
401
00:17:06,868 --> 00:17:08,701
I can't feel my legs.
402
00:17:08,767 --> 00:17:09,534
Como?
403
00:17:09,601 --> 00:17:11,334
My legs, you dumb Dora.
404
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,501
I guess I fell funny
back there.
405
00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:16,367
Well, you got to do something.
Roll! Bounce! Levitate!
406
00:17:16,434 --> 00:17:17,834
Put a fork in me, skeezix.
407
00:17:17,901 --> 00:17:19,601
This bird's done.
408
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:21,901
Still, I could think
of worse ways to go.
409
00:17:21,968 --> 00:17:23,534
Want to hear something funny?
410
00:17:23,601 --> 00:17:24,834
These past few months
411
00:17:24,901 --> 00:17:27,400
have been some of the best times
of my life--
412
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:29,267
being part of a family, and all.
413
00:17:29,334 --> 00:17:30,968
(gulps)
414
00:17:31,033 --> 00:17:33,167
Heck, if I had a family
like yours
415
00:17:33,234 --> 00:17:36,067
maybe I'd have gone on to become
something respectable--
416
00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:38,601
you know, like a forger
or an extortionist,
417
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:40,634
instead of this old, lost soul.
418
00:17:40,701 --> 00:17:42,634
(dogs baying)
419
00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:44,067
MAN:
Whoa, Ed!
420
00:17:44,133 --> 00:17:45,567
Hey, this way!
421
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,667
Well, what are you waiting for?
422
00:17:49,734 --> 00:17:51,000
Go save your family.
423
00:17:51,067 --> 00:17:52,868
Go on! Beat it.
424
00:17:57,467 --> 00:18:00,968
Uh, no offense, Ignatz,
but I ain't in the mood for sex.
425
00:18:01,033 --> 00:18:02,200
What?
426
00:18:02,267 --> 00:18:03,634
DUCKMAN (straining):
I'm taking you with me,
427
00:18:03,701 --> 00:18:05,367
and I don't want to hear
any more lip!
428
00:18:05,434 --> 00:18:06,868
�Comprendo?
429
00:18:06,934 --> 00:18:08,901
(dogs barking)
430
00:18:08,968 --> 00:18:10,734
Hard human targets in sight.
431
00:18:10,801 --> 00:18:12,634
Fire at will.
432
00:18:15,734 --> 00:18:18,267
(panting)
433
00:18:18,334 --> 00:18:20,767
(gunshots continue
in distance)
434
00:18:23,801 --> 00:18:25,467
Ya!
435
00:18:25,534 --> 00:18:26,567
Hey! Open up!
436
00:18:26,634 --> 00:18:27,767
Help!
437
00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:28,968
(gun cocks)
438
00:18:29,033 --> 00:18:30,167
(laughs)
439
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,934
You two might as well
save your last breath.
440
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,400
You see, we're
the tobacco industry.
441
00:18:35,467 --> 00:18:38,501
We've taken on doctors,
lawyers, presidents--
442
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:40,934
and we're still making
more money than ever.
443
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,734
Ain't nobody
going to help you now.
444
00:18:45,534 --> 00:18:47,334
Tony Randall?!
445
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,934
Good day, madam.
446
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,634
May I be of...
447
00:18:53,701 --> 00:18:54,968
(sniffs)
448
00:18:58,167 --> 00:19:01,501
Young man, this is
a smoke-free zone.
449
00:19:01,567 --> 00:19:04,133
Mr. Randall,
I happen to be president
450
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,601
of one of them so-called
evil tobacco companies.
451
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:08,834
He's trying
to kill us!
452
00:19:08,901 --> 00:19:10,067
Of course he is.
453
00:19:10,133 --> 00:19:11,868
The tobacco companies
are vampires
454
00:19:11,934 --> 00:19:13,901
preying on the lungs
of our children
455
00:19:13,968 --> 00:19:16,200
and the circulatory system
of our society.
456
00:19:16,267 --> 00:19:18,367
He means kill us now.
457
00:19:18,434 --> 00:19:20,767
I've been dreaming
of this moment
458
00:19:20,834 --> 00:19:24,000
Mr. Anti-smoking
New York City thespian.
459
00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:27,167
Why, I'll bet you're
probably Jewish, too.
460
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:28,968
Be that as it may...
461
00:19:29,033 --> 00:19:31,133
eeka-beeka-boo, my dear.
462
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,534
Eeka... beeka... boo!
463
00:19:36,434 --> 00:19:37,767
I don't believe it!
464
00:19:37,834 --> 00:19:40,067
Tony Randall turned
them into bugs!
465
00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:42,067
Orthoptera locustidae,
to be precise
466
00:19:42,133 --> 00:19:44,400
although you probably
know them
467
00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:46,467
as tobacco-eating locusts.
468
00:19:46,534 --> 00:19:48,501
Fly on, insatiable little ones.
469
00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:50,067
Be fruitful and multiply
470
00:19:50,133 --> 00:19:53,167
and devour every last
tobacco plant on this planet.
471
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,334
Holy tamale!
472
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:55,767
How'd you do it, Tony?
473
00:19:55,834 --> 00:19:57,133
While people always
think of me
474
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,100
as Felix Unger
or Jonathan in Pillow Talk
475
00:19:59,167 --> 00:20:00,367
they always seem to forget
476
00:20:00,434 --> 00:20:03,000
I was also the star
and technical consultant of...
477
00:20:03,067 --> 00:20:06,634
the 7 Faces of Dr. Lao.
478
00:20:08,033 --> 00:20:10,534
The Seven Whazzis
of Dr. Whozis?
479
00:20:10,601 --> 00:20:11,601
It's a renter,
480
00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:13,267
available at your
local Blockbuster.
481
00:20:13,334 --> 00:20:15,234
Make it a
Blockbuster
night.
482
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:16,400
(fanfare)
483
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:25,033
Hey, Mambo,
we're being honored
484
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,234
for busting
the tobacco industry
485
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:30,300
all because you got busted
for smoking a cigarette.
486
00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:32,100
Ironic, isn't it?
487
00:20:32,167 --> 00:20:34,501
Don't you ever shut up?
488
00:20:36,734 --> 00:20:38,501
You know, Agnes, for
a psycho-thrill-killing
489
00:20:38,567 --> 00:20:40,334
convicted felon-- now
conveniently pardoned
by the president--
490
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:41,767
you ain't half bad.
491
00:20:41,834 --> 00:20:44,067
You ain't too shabby yourself,
liver lips.
492
00:20:44,133 --> 00:20:46,167
How's about a toast
to celebrate
493
00:20:46,234 --> 00:20:48,100
our return to civilization?
494
00:20:48,167 --> 00:20:51,267
WOMAN:
Hey! They've
got alcohol!
495
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:53,367
Municipal Health Code 1914
496
00:20:53,434 --> 00:20:55,634
expressly prohibits
the consumption
497
00:20:55,701 --> 00:20:57,033
of alcoholic beverages
498
00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:59,133
without posting
proper health warnings.
499
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:04,167
Duckman, Agnes,
I'm afraid you're under arrest.
500
00:21:04,234 --> 00:21:06,167
(laughing)
(laughing)
501
00:22:03,701 --> 00:22:06,501
MAN:
Eeka... beeka... boo!
35477
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
